Pendejo Time - late night radio

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

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energized and ready to party yes sir two guys who anytime we go to a party together me and thomas you know that it's gonna get crazy we're gonna take all that's something we do a lot as we go to parties and we do it together i think we've probably been to two two parties max and they're in our years of friendship together and they were like birthday parties yeah they were like adult kickbacks i don't i think i had like a couple beers and then we went home anyway my friend katherine's birthday party that was nice yes it was and uh hung out with i like the idea that even though it was just a first name that my friend katherine who's just like you know just a nice lady and like a you know grown up just like loses

her job over me well like i always i i think it's because like i'm still like mentally like kind of a fucking like a kid in a lot of ways so like i'll be like yeah like an adult kickback like i'm not fucking almost 29 years like i'm not like you know like 28 like a full like i have if i i'm supposed to be having if i do have people over which i'd never have people over my apartment but like i would have like hey we can have we have wine like i feel like around like 26 there is you're under some obligation to have your parties change like i don't mean that's not true i know a bunch of people like my friends are in sales and stuff that are my age that still get the fuck down and go wild but i feel like if you're not in an environment like that it's like

yeah you i mean like i love shotgunning beer i told myself at 30 no more shotgunning beer it's just not like it's not you know what i'm saying like it's it's just i i feel like it has no justification past a certain age i don't know you know think once you get old, it's like kind of, you know, it's fine. Yeah. I don't plan on being, I don't see myself as being particularly cool now. It doesn't matter. No, I mean, like, I see what, like, I kind of see what you're saying. It's like, I'm not.

Not that I'm an entirely saucelless individual, but you know what I mean? No, I see what you're saying. If I'm 42, you know, at that point, if my main priority is being like a party guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. If I don't have a family by then or at least like I'm involved in like, like, let's say by then, if I don't have kids, I'd better be like a damn good uncle or something. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Or at least, like, fucking doing something for somebody. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to get. If we're still like, God, dude, we're going to get famous off podcasting. We're fucking 45. Oh, my God.

Like, 20 years from now. Oh, no, dude. That's bad. No, the best thing that can happen is like let's say like we go our separate ways but then you know like in a good amount of time however long that is we're just and then like 20 minutes and then like 20 minutes not 20 minutes 20 years later both of our lives either one of our lives is or one of ours and we try and do like a reunion tour basically to keep one of us like alive yeah where it's like hell yeah dude we'll do another run and it's like hey padeo time is back jake's got nope nobody gives a fuck like nobody cares everybody who liked it at any point is either dead or just has a family like

they should yeah or had a family to begin with and just doesn't have an hour long commute anymore yeah exactly yeah i i like the idea of like the show ending and you're like go our separate ways like well that was fun man i'm never gonna talk to you again yeah it's mad well see ya oh man that would be awesome it's just like well i mean you know we hung out together a lot and we've talked you know pretty not every day but pretty pretty much every day so i figured if i never speak to you again it'd be the last fucking time uh go fuck yourself it'd be funny if we this is the only way we knew how to hang out, so we just had to hold microphones. Yeah. And we just didn't record.

We just, yeah, you know. Did I ever tell you about the timer? I'm like, yeah. Go ahead and tell it. We're at a dim someplace, and the guy's like, what do you want? And you're like, sorry, I've got to set up the interface. And he's like, what? We can't even have lunch. So I have to set the fucking interface up.

I've got to work the cans. It's pretty cool if technology doesn't go anywhere the next 50 years. It would be fine. I wouldn't really care if we still used USB microphones. No, I think that's fine. I don't think there's any. I don't know. I mean, I feel like we've hit a little bit of a plateau,

and everything else is just sort of like pipe dream. I think the rich people are like, this will work for now well like like they've got everything that they need yeah like i've always people like like for instance a perfect example elon with like the neural link thing i'm like listen man like we already sort of have like brain machine interface devices we use it to like people use it for like interface devices. We use it to like, people use it for like prosthesis. They also use it to like do science and shit. We're not where you're at though.

Like I understand wanting to have a chip that like in your brain that makes you see shit. I don't fucking know. But yeah, like we're not there yet. Like it's not like he killed like 3000 monkeys or something. But, yeah, like, we're not there yet. Like, it's not, like, he killed, like, 3,000 monkeys or something. Like, over 3,000 capuchin monkeys, I think, died getting, like, the chip and put it in their head.

They were, like, smashing their shit against the wall and stuff. So I'm like, hey, man, maybe you just don't get to fantasize about technology, like, anymore. Your cars don't work. Your tunnels are dog shit. They're just tunnels. Like, they're not. I don't know what the fuck that is. Like, it's 3,000 monkeys dying by smashing their heads against a wall. What is this?

A dang Justin Bieber concert. You're doing like late night. You're five minute late night special. You have a fucking train track nail, like the railroad spike. Oh, yeah. Just stuck out of your head. You're like.

Yeah, so I'm seeing this week, Jay Leno, he got in a little fire accident. Yeah, Jay Leno with a little red on his face. What is he at the roast of Jay Leno? And he's embarrassed. A little red on his face. Thank you so much, Thomas. I really, Jay's a great friend of mine.

Hope he has a speed recovery. If that's going to be it, you can just, you can just get the fuck off the stage, man. Oh, I got another one. This one's directed to the other guy who's at the roast of Jay Leno. Okay. Hey, Pete Smallsburg. Hey, Pete Smallsburg, if you went around with that rump of a nose, you'd probably go downhill crashing into a building. Yep.

If you knew Pete, then you'd know kind of the context of that joke. Who's Pete? Smallsburg. He used to be on To Win a Basket. Okay. It was a very low-stakes game show, basically. This was in the late 90s in which contestants would spin a wheel and they'd have to answer usually 300 to 500 questions correctly in a row. And if they got all these, you had one second for each question to answer.

And if you got all of them correct in a row, you would win a basket. Like a wicker basket? It would usually have Easter eggs in it, and they would have candy. Other times they would have lottery tickets in the basket. Okay. Was Pete Smallsburg the host of this show? No, he was one of the contestants. Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah, so you kind of had to watch the show pretty religiously to know him. Because they had usually... He wasn't even a winner. He was just one guy who played. Actually, they'd make the same guy play okay for a full month they'd let him sleep for 30 minutes every night and then he'd have to play all day the next day and you only get one second to answer the questions and you

have to answer 500 questions correct in a row to be released from the show and get your basket okay okay so what type of questions would be on there like history mathematics okay so keep in mind after i finish um asking this question you have one second okay okay how many teeth are in the room right now 64 uh uh two different rooms. The Zoom room, it kind of counts, doesn't it? I'm asking the questions here. Okay. Okay, restarting at one.

What is my favorite kind of mushroom? Horse mushroom. Okay, fuck. favorite kind of mushroom uh horse mushroom okay fuck how am i supposed that's not trivia that's your personal all right i'm asking the questions okay all right number two we'll just skip to number two what is my second favorite kind of mushroom portobello but you did answer on time correct but the right answer was fairy ring champignon. Okay. But I give you that and you win your basket. Oh, I thought I had to answer 500 of them.

Who gives a fuck? Nobody tunes in to watch this shit. No, no. We've been running this show since 5 a.m. We've been on Spike TV for five years and not one set of eyeballs until we win a basket. Every viewer watches the show for three seconds before they flip to a different channel. It sounds like a nightmare. It's like some sort of scary story TV show.

I don't know if I would like it. I'm just trying to imagine. show you know like i don't i don't know if i would like i'm just trying to imagine it sounds like uh what it would be like to like take an sat now yeah that's it yeah dude if you tried to make me take a time test now i would just spit on you like i fucking i don't know if i finished my sat i think during part of the math part i like oh i Oh, I remember what I did. Now, nobody get my SAT score revoked for this, but I went back and worked on other sections. I did that too. I already went to school.

I don't give a fuck. No, we can't talk about this. The college board will find out. And they'll have us in cuffs. St. Edwards University and Texas State University will find out that you, Jacob Rhodes, cheated on your SAT fucking 12 years ago. I don't even know. You're so wise.

Yeah, I'm so old and wise. You're so old and wise. I'm so old, dude. May the Lord gift you with a crown of silver hair. I've been saying stuff like that lately just to kind of ruin conversations. Yeah. Figured I could kind of. Hey, buddy, you know, I hope God's light is shining on you today, player.

You want to hear something fucking annoying I said at work today? Sure. Just with all the guys there, somebody said something about somebody had like a her first husband died and the second one like had like a like a bad husband or something.

Yeah. And I said well every man has his lot in life. I don't know what the fuck I meant by that. I don't think that yeah I was going to say cryptic shit you know

you just sort of talk sometimes yeah you just say shit i mean i could have just shit my pants and it would have been the same thing basically i mean i feel like when you're around a bunch of people that are like from the south like i feel like you do get to just like my memoir used to just be like man i mean if he ever comes around again that'll be the last time I see a chicken at the hen house. And I'm like, uh-huh, okay. And if I ever see his wife again, there'll be two seals in the pond instead of one. And I'm like, all right, well, you have dementia, and you're fucking annoying, but what does that mean?

Can I get just a Webster's Dictionary version of what that means? Never understood. Phrases from the South. Like, two rats, hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock, the goat, Southern phrase. I get that. Rats are hairy creatures. If you put them in a wool sock, which is a warm clothing item, and they fuck each other, that's going to create friction. Yeah, the guy who came up with that one was spitting for sure. Literally cooking with gas on all cylinders from the hip.

Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock. It's up there with my dad and his buddies used to have one. Tighter than none pussy. That one was pretty good. When I was in junior high, high school, I was like, I like that one. It's not as clean as two rats fucking in a wool sock, but it's nice. Colder than a witch's tit. That's a classic one.

Also, using... I don't know if you ever heard this. Maybe you have. What the fuck am I... My least favorite one... Hello. Checking here. Yeah, we're good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My least favorite one is when people say that they're sweating like a hooker in church. Sweating like a whore in church, yeah. Yeah, that doesn't go hard. Yeah, it's... Well, for me... Why would she be there in the first place? Why is she forcing herself

into this uncomfortable situation? And why is it funny that she's having to clearly grasp with her? Yeah, she's... It's such a weirdly specific moment. That one is, to me, a little too overdone. And it's also like, well, I'm pretty sure lots of whores go to church, and they're just fine.

This makes me feel bad. Yeah, it does. That kind of does. You're like, hey, man, come on. One that I really like, and you crack me the fuck up, Come on. One that I really like, these crack me the fuck up,

is any, like a unit, using a man or woman's pubic hair is a unit of measurement. Like, I was helping stack pallets in the little fucking, using one of those little warehouse forklifts. Didn't forever ago.

And my dad was working there too, and he was like, hey, move that pallet over there just like a fucking nut hair. I knew exactly what he meant. It's like a little bit more than a couple inches, but like not quite a foot. You know what I'm saying?

It's not even quite half a foot. It's like a nut hair, you know, also a cunt hair, pretty popular. To me, though, that's a shorter unit of measure. That's like you almost got it, but you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I like those a lot those are good um the one my grant now this one i didn't i never understood the meaning of but it always felt poetic my dad's mom my grandma would say uh when it was sunny and raining outside to the devil's whip and his wife i never understood that but i've heard it from so many people from

the south like if like you know sun's shining but it's like fucking pouring down rain or whatever man devil's whipping his wife i asked my grandma why like like like what why this is like i just it's just when i don't know man like that one could give me an answer i've always been curious like i want to know like the edit the the origin for that phrase itself right yeah or you know whatever it's you know there's just so many that come to mind you know when i start thinking of southern indians you know just all the classics i start thinking about those ones you know the classic ones yeah you know like oh man it's more agreeable

out here than a whole HR department talking about a work retreat yep yeah these flies are buzzing like the slack channel on happy Friday

happy Friday my grandpa used to say that yeah yeah you're just you've tried to fit in like you're in a car heart blown out and one shorts and work boots and you're like it i like an apple office and you're like man when that slack channel buzzes on a happy friday yeah y'all did sometimes the linkedin um group dms be really like just going haywire whenever the new guy gets promoted you're there trying to like steal their food and their beer that they have like in their fancy ass cafeteria and they're like what department are you working in you're like oh like um cycles and sheet acquisitions and sheets i'm like sort of the are the acquisitions program advisor and they're like oh oh you know kelsey and you're like 100 i do hey happy it's

it's slack happy friday you know what i'm talking about yeah i fall under creative directives and basically it's like i'm here to make sure the the good time has a good place you know what i'm saying yep so i'm gonna do is i'm gonna take these 17 liquid deaths and all these starbursts that nobody's eating yep i'm gonna go to my car i'm gonna eat all this i'm gonna drink all these Starbursts that nobody's eating. I'm going to go to my car. I'm going to eat all this. I'm going to drink all these. And I'm probably going to fall asleep out there. Y'all have a work-tastic day. Somebody's like, hold on a second.

You don't have a badge. And you smell like motor oil. Yeah, I do have a badge. It's called a police badge. You're all under arrest for working too hard. Yeah, y'all a badge. It's called a police badge. You're all under arrest for working too hard. Yeah, y'all stay safe out here, okay? Yeah, I don't want to ever

fucking ever go into an office again as long as I live. I have to every now and then for my job, like once a month. But it's mostly on shoot days and stuff. Yeah. You remember that classic phrase? Oh man but it's mostly on like shoot days and stuff um but yeah you remember that classic phrase oh man it's slimier out here than a huge woman's groin man it is stinkier out here than a fat man's butt cheeks dude Oh, man. The sun is hotter than... It's hot out here, man.

You go to work tomorrow, if the sun shines... I don't even care if it's cold. Just kind of, not loudly, but also not under your breath, be like, man, it's hotter than a five-year-old kid out here. Man, it is. Just with an earshot of like your boss. Man, it's hotter than a fucking seven-year-old boy out here, dude. So what the fuck?

Oh, yeah, it's hot, man. It's real fucking warm. It's colder than a seven-year-old's dead body out here, ain't it? It's just colder than a child's corpse. Man, it is crazier out here than Alicia Roberts, the girl who went missing in this area six years ago. You're having to explain yourself. Oh, man.

It is... explain yourself oh man it is man that dog is cuter come on dude it's cuter than a little button okay man it's it's this this job's crazier than my dad's friend. Oh. Man, this workday feels longer than my family friend's weekend. He works at Lockheed, so he works four days on, three days off. Okay, they're like, all right, yeah i mean i guess so yeah uh like an hour goes by it's like man lunch went by faster than one of those you know um like like when a guy kind of puts a lot of work into a car and it goes it kind of gets some speed going to it. Man, lunch went by faster than that for sure. Yeah.

How about it's like Dennis Miller. He's trying to fit in at the job site. It's like, yeah, this workday feels longer than freaking Starbucks cashier doing a Boris Karloff impression with her cleavage hanging out. And you're waiting on the order and you say Earth to Starbucks? I keep, I'll see clips like there's a Jim Brewer one. I've seen some Dennis Miller ones. There's another one.

Who's the guy that's in TV2? Kind of looks like Kevin Bacon. Is that who I'm thinking of? I don't know. Jeff Dunham? No, no. Anyway, like, I don't know who the fucking audience is. Like, another good example, Adam Carolla.

That's not what I was thinking of. But, like, I don't know who the audience is. Because I guess Chappelle is still funny. And, like, Louie's still funny. You know, like, there's some things about Chappelle's shit that kind of just like I'm like you're fucking annoying and you're an idiot But Who's the audience for like when you go

And you're in a rush And you want a nice coffee and there's a fat Blue haired pig honking Her pronouns At you and that Feeling when you just have to kind of tell her Not today Satan And then the whole crowd I don't know if they're pronouns at you and and that that feeling when you just have to kind of tell her a not today satan and then the whole crowd i don't know if they're canning the laughter but like when you

watch these clips it's like like i don't know who that's for like is it because they'll pay to the audience and they'll be like younger people there like it won't be just like old like fucking jeff dunham you know like fucking retards but i don't i don't know like i just want to meet somebody and see if they're real like hey maybe it's people who grew up homeschooled i don't know yeah i mean i would imagine so like there was a i forget the name of the comedian he's a clean comic and he was doing liberty university and he literally was like really glad i came to see a college that doesn't have a bunch of blue-haired freaks, fat freaks walking around yelling about their sexual organs. And the audience is going absolute fucking horse shit nuts.

And I'm like, I don't like, I want to be, I want to be, have a life like that. What's up, Eden? She gave the mic a fist bump. Hell yeah. She's allowed to speak in the house, just a heads up, but she's shy. It's okay. I just want the audience to know. I just want to clear the air.

My girlfriend is not speaking at all. I want the audience to know I'm not like. I'm not a progressive guy. I wasn't like making a scary face at it or anything. Anyway, earlier she was in a Zoom meeting, and Otis got pissed off at me for being like, I wasn't even late feeding him. It just wasn't time to feed him yet.

Yeah. But the sun goes down earlier now, so he doesn't realize because he's a cat. He's a fat retard doesn't look at the clock yeah anyway yeah he jumped up on the table while i was eating my chicken and i just i was like now that i think about it if i'd overheard somebody saying what i said in that tone it would seem threatening but i was like get the fuck off the table and i realized she was like in a Zoom meeting. And I was like, man, I hope.

But then I was like, does she, do they think we have a child that was on the table? It's clearly like a pet, like a pet command, you know. Dude, every time Ashley's like, she'll be on her Spanish class. And I like, I'll forget because she just has that one Zoom class. And then she's got to go to campus for some other fucking course. But it's like hybrid or whatever. I just talk shit, dude. Like, I just talk to myself all fucking day. Like, I'll stub my toe, and I'm like, dude, you get to suck my dick off my body.

Not talking to anybody. Nobody. I'm not talking to the dog. I'm not really. I'm kind of talking to God. I don't fucking know. But, like, I'll, like. That's deep.

Yeah. You know, hey, God, you can, like. That's deep. Yeah, you know. Hey, God, you can come get this fucking stinker, dude. But, like, I was, like, the other day, I guess her class. Yeah, her class on Monday. I had, like, dropped a piece of ice on the ground. And then I, like, stepped on it. It hurt.

And I was, like, dude, big ass cock, man. Fuck. Just, like, we were talking about when we were first doing the show. Where you're, like, working. I was working that job. And I would fucking break a tool or something i was like dude come on my butt dude fuck all those guys would get mad she's looking at me like i'm like oh you're in your spanish class are you muted you know like you should mute yourself i don't want to be the asshole but i i don't have to rat so i guess i don't have an excuse. I could control it, but sometimes I'm just walking around the house and I'm like, when you want to suck on a big ass.

I had a fucking bad one a few weeks ago. I don't remember the exact circumstances. But I believe it was maybe a parking situation or something. But I said, hey, I was in a parking lot. I believe I said something like, well, I guess you might as well just go ahead and fuck me in the ass. And then it turned out I was not alone. It was me and one other guy in this parking lot. I love that.

And I just kind of gave him like a homie nod like i didn't explain myself or anything it was just one of those like hey you can clearly see i'm not about to try to fuck you like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna rape you in the parking lot if that's what you're worried about yeah and for some reason i also assessed him to see like well he's not gonna fuck me or nothing yeah no i could i could i could totally rape this guy if i wanted to i'm not going to though i won't do it but yeah anyway yeah sometimes that's what men do like if i'm ever in a fucking if i'm ever like when i meet it when i meet a new motherfucker of course and in my head i'm like i think maybe i think maybe i could knock this guy out or or

i'm like oh fuck this guy if he wanted to he could just you know fuck my if he wanted to he could just fuck me in my head

oh man I hope it doesn't come down to it where one of us has to fuck the other for dominance just saying that you ever meet

one of your girls ex-boyfriends and you gotta think man I wonder which of us could last longer in the other

I would be really into it cause I got that tight tight I wonder which of us could last longer in the other. I would be really into it. Because I got that tight tight. Good luck, buddy. Good luck. I'll last a long time. Anything you want to do to her, you got to do to my asshole first. Dude, I fucking love that fucking dad thing, dude. It's like, anything

that you do to my daughter, I'm gonna do to you. It's like, are you gonna suck my dick while we're watching fucking Emily or like Annabelle? Like, are you gonna jack me off in the car while we're at the beach? Like, this is when I was in high school, obviously, not when I was an adult.

So, like, I dated this girl for like... I just realized how fucking disgusting once you're at a certain age is, like, any of that. Yeah, exactly. Like, fucking... Dude, getting jacked off at a movie theater is such fucking depravity. Yeah, this happened to me, like, two months... No. Yeah, I know what you mean.

No, I mean, like, I was in high school, and I dated this girl for a little bit, and, like, her dad was, like, an old-school, like, fucking salt-life retard. grow for a little bit and then like her dad was like an old school like fucking salt life retard and uh you know the motherfucker was like uh like on facebook posting pictures like i guess you know we'd hung out and he'd take pictures and on the caption was like anything does my daughter i do to him haha you know god bless america or whatever and i saw that posted and in my head i was like you have to suck my dick at the golf course uh behind the shed where they fix the golf carts uh you and me I I have to fuck you while we watch across the universe the Beatles movie uh just taking an inventory of like everything I was like okay I'm

in 10th grade what have I what do I got under my belt so far? We have to smoke so much weed together that you have a panic attack, and then you make me have a panic attack. If we're talking about everything, if we're clearing all the bases, we are going to take Xanax, and then we're going to lose your phone, and then we're going to tell your dad that it broke. We just got to run the whole gamut of shit that we have to do. But you do have to let me fuck you. Are you going to be that type of dad, Thomas? whole gamut of shit that we have to do. But you do have to let me fuck you. And, yeah.

Are you going to be that type of dad, Thomas? I've thought about it. I don't, I don't, um... I don't see it being that way. Me neither. But I don't see myself being, like, a cool dad either. No, but, like, like like I could never be like the dad who's like,

you guys want to blaze up while you're here? Yeah, no, of course not. That's like worse somehow. Yeah, no. I mean, it depends on how old. If your kid's like 18 or whatever, I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to smoke with them. Yeah, but I'm not going to try not gonna like try and be like yeah hey you guys want some daiquiri my dad did that to me and i'd like yeah i'm hey you guys want to you guys want to fucking drink some rum

and like listen to alice in chains in the garage it's 110 degrees in there by the way you guys want to smoke some k2 and just fucking see the devil and talk to him yeah no i i won't do that shit but i also i'm not gonna be like like the dad's against daughter's dating type guy where it's like. Yeah, I mean, if a guy is going to date my daughter, I want to see his dick. You know, I want to see what he's working with. He comes over. He's like, his eyes are all down.

Hi, Mr. White. My name's Colin. I'm here to pick up your daughter. Hey, I'm just going to let you know, I'm chill. Like, we. White. My name's Colin. I'm here to pick up your daughter. Hey, I'm just going to let you know I'm chill. We're cool. I'm not even that type. I almost said the N-word. I'm not even that type of guy.

But I do have one rule. Oh, like have her back by 1130? She told me about that one. No, that is a rule, but that's not the rule. She told me that you have a rule, but you don't tell her what it is. You've got to pull that penis out. I've got to sniff it before and after the day. Yeah, because if I sniff it right now and it's clean, then I know that you're a clean guy.

And if I sniff it after and it stinks, then I know that you fucked around and I'm going to shoot you in the head. So what you're going to have to do is I've got to start base to shaft. I get one up the whole thing because I don't want you fucking around with me just washing the tip or washing your nutsack. I got to get a whole fucking, you know, base to tip sniff. And then, you know, if everything's kosher, we're good. Jesus Christ. This is a fucking rough one. Yeah, it is oh thank you no thank you sir i uh you know i love your daughter she's the best

if you want to date my daughter i got one rule and i think it's pretty reasonable we do one round of russian roulette together and if one of us dies the other one has to be her dad. If you win, if I die, alright, you don't get to date her, but you have to be like a weird father figure. You have to fuck my wife. It's like the most

high-stakes cuck shit on planet Earth. And if you die, I have to date the daughter yeah you have to fuck my son and daughter he's like wait what he just knocked on the wrong door he's about to the guy's about to get like they both survive you know it's like five years down the road yeah the guy good on his wedding day before he walks down the aisle that the deads I hate by the way I palmed you're a good man you're a good man I appreciate you I really

god I wish that was me did you I wish that was me waiting waiting at that altar actually I think I have the bride and groom mixed up

I think I forgot how weddings work I don't why would the why would the groom walk down last? I was shot in the head. That's the opposite of what weddings are.

I was shot in the head. I played this part myself a lot. It got bad. I don't know why I'm walking down the aisle with you. You're not my daughter. Where's my daughter?

I will find her I like going to weddings I think I just get so horny Yeah I'm thinking about marriage Fuck This shit's awesome

I'm hearing some guy do the vows As soon as I see the kiss I go, damn I went to a wedding Somewhat recently It wasn't Shut the fuck up As soon as I see the kiss, I go, damn. I went to a wedding somewhat recently. It wasn't. Shut the fuck up. I just hear them vows and I start jacking off.

Yeah, I hear him kiss and I fucking record the audio on my phone. I loop back over and over. Couples kissing. Couples kissing. It's my friend and his wife who I've hung out with like 50 times. I like to bring binoculars to see if I can catch a glimpse of some tongue. Oh, fucking God damn it. Yes, sir.

I really like whenever there's a wedding and the girl jumps up and hugs the guy because that's how I know she is getting some dick tonight. I love in a wedding. Yeah, dude, that's awesome. Like when the you may now kiss the bride part happens, you're just like, ugh. That just sounds super loud. I wish they said you may now kiss the bride part happens, you're just like, ugh. It's just super loud. I wish they said you may now finger and fuck the bride. It would be way even awesomer if they said some shit like that.

If anybody has any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I'm holding my dick right now. I'm holding my shit good right now. Just let him get to the kissing part because I got to go to work. I can't miss work for this. Till death do we part? More like till death do we fuck

and screw. We are the fuckers. Yeah, getting married is basically like the mecca of screwing Yeah it's like the coolest thing you can do If you're trying to get pussy Yeah it's like the easiest way Cause once you get married you have sex

Every night All night All my married friends talk about how often they fuck Basically it's like a huge Cream fest every night. Just getting pussy and you just come in and it's fucking pussy. That's another stupid kid myth I had. I was like, dude, when people get married, they probably get their dick sucks like ten times a day.

When I was in junior high. And then I was like, no. No. I don't even like first of all getting your dick sucked 10 times a day probably sucks sounds awesome basically like a huge blowjob festival just for me oh yeah

nut city whole my whole house smells like fucking cum cleaning fluid if I could I'd bust a load every single second and feel like

fucking awesome that's so fucking gross I wish I could basically like queef like if I if I could just cum like a girl like one time basically like a big clitoris at the tip of my fucking dong

just fucking who are you talking to my 1901 vintage singer uh antique sewing machine hey dolly but it could also be talking to a person such as the mailman say hey dolly what's what's up dolly what you want she's uh she's over here trying to get some butt rubbins. Is she in heat yet? Yet? No, she had the snip snip. She don't get it. Oh, right. Yeah.

You sound disappointed. Oh, fuck. No, no, it's fine. Oh, you piece of shit. All the birds are in heat here. And some of the bugs. Oh man, I come outside and all the birds are just hella horny, dude. Yeah, and all the birds are like crazy wet this morning.

It's so fucked up how crazy wet the birds get sometimes, you know. Yeah, they sing the... I'm wet song. They sing the Sneaky Link song. Tiddly-tiddly. Tiddly-tiddly. The end of the Lord of the Rings, you know, where the eagles carry him off. And they say, I'll get fucked to death.

The eagles just scare the... Just like huge pink manes get up to the mountain. to death. The eagles just scare the shit out of me. Just like huge pink manes. Just get up to the mountain. Like a 19 foot penis. Hell yeah. Oh we're saved. We're saved.

It's just like the size of a school bus. It's just the size of a school bus. I just can't fuck to death. Oh, God damn it. Fuck. That would be something, wouldn't it? That would be something Wouldn't it You know That would be wacky

And wild If you could Man Get fucked to death Get fucked to death The big ass eagle From Lord of the Rings Dude

Sorry My brother just sent me this Kanye Just posted a star Of David with a swastika In the middle of it Yeah Yeah I saw that It was pretty good me this. Kanye just posted a star of David with a swastika in the middle of it. Yeah, I saw that one. Pretty good.

Pretty good stuff. God damn it. He's off the fucking Resolute, brother. Yeah, I think he's off the Zaza. Yeah, he's off that fucking Sticky Green. That's how I'd be when I'm off that Zaza. Yeah, I'd be listening to Hitler's speeches when I'm hot as fuck, dude.

Oh, man. Listening to fucking his Nuremberg shit in the rally. When I'm off that fucking sticky, sticky ganja tree. Man. Yeah. Man, it's so awesome to have a bunch of money. Like, literally, like, more money, 10 lifetimesimes your family will never ever ever ever ever be fucked up barring some sort of cataclysmic like global earth shattering event you get so much

money that you don't want for anything anymore but the one thing you do want for some reason is to hang out with milo yiannopoulos and like Tim pool. Like, I don't, I don't understand that. I, I, somebody had like said like on Twitter, like I had posted something about like Elon thing and they were like, yeah,

you know, uh, they, they just want to be like contrary and like they want to identify with the crazies, but they're losing all their money. And I'm like, why?

Like maybe because I don't have all that money. I'm like, dude, I would just go, like, hang out somewhere forever. But I guess, like, they've been rich forever, so what's left? Like, getting into, like, Holocaust denial and, like, hanging out with, like, Mike Cernovich and shit and those fucking dumb retards. Like, I don't understand the motivation. You know what I'm saying?

I see why he would end up with him i think you just run out of people to piss off after that is true you know that's a very good point like people like he can really he seems to have a unique ability to alienate himself yeah well it's it's funny that like i not to be like i'm the kind No, but I know what you mean because I was laughing. Like, it's... He... When guys get divorced, and I've known a lot of divorced men, they do different types of shit.

Maybe they pick up hobbies they were into before they got married and their wife kind of just stopped them from doing them. Maybe they go hunting more or whatever the fuck. A common one that I see, though, is the whole TRT, start fucking a 22-year-old yoga instructor type shit. These are people that I know that have gotten divorces, like dad's friends that I'm friends with on Facebook or whatever. They got a new girlfriend.

That, to me, seems like a pretty good, well-rounded, jack-of-all-trades move. Get on TRT, take a couple years, you're 42, by the time you're 44, you'll be lean as fuck, feeling like you're 20 years old again. And then, you know, go get pussy from like a SoulCycle instructor or some shit. Don't, though, what you shouldn't do, I guess, is to go on like tv and be like yeah i love hitler i love hitler and i like to wear biking jackets and rain boots everywhere and i have a mask on and hitler was good uh and the nazis were pretty cool guys he said he was like uh i must he was one of the things he said on info wars was uh how am i supposed to hate the guy that invented

the microphone that i use on my album? Hitler didn't invent the microphone. And he was also like, how am I supposed to hate the guy that invented the highway? Hitler didn't invent the highway. So I don't know where he's at mentally. Like a German guy invented the Siemens microphone, and then a German guy invented the Autobahn, but I don't think Hitler had anything to do with those things.

I think Hitler encouraged the Autobahn or whatever like, I don't think Hitler had anything to do with those things. I think Hitler encouraged the Autobahn or whatever, but I don't think it was. Yeah, he didn't like go out there and, you know. But it is funny

to have every. I guess I should play devil's advocate, you know. Yeah. Well, you know, Hitler did create. Well, you know,

he didn't invent the microphone, but he had a beautiful singing voice. Well, you know, he didn't invent the microphone, but he had a beautiful singing voice. You know, he didn't invent the highway, but he could do a front flip on solid ground. He could paint the hell out of a highway. Yeah, he could do a gainer. Have you ever seen a five-foot-five man do a gainer off a diving board into his dad's pool?

I don't know why, but when I was a kid kid if i was too chubby to do gainers whoever figured the gainer off the dive board ever figured that one out first uh was the cool was a cool kid i never had a pool with the you know i never didn't have one at the house in the house like Were you a belly flop kid? Belly flop and cannibal. Yeah, if you're a fat, chubby little piece of shit, you've got to pick one. And I guess I've always just sort of had like a willingness to experience physical pain. I don't have a tolerance for it. It hurts no matter what I do.

I just don't mind it, I guess. So I figured out that like really quickly, I remember being in like fourth or fifth grade and being fat that cool kid they typically you know like dad's pool kid like this is his dad's house he's got the gainer on lock gainer's pretty fucking cool all right I'm not gonna I'm not gonna but let me get a couple fucking doritos locos tacos in me dude let me get a couple things of baja blast and you're gonna see 110 pound nine-year-old fucking jump as high as his little legs will take him and i'm gonna land flat on my fucking belly and face and it's gonna make a loud smack and i'm gonna steal all your thunder brother it's the curtains for you it's done that was my loud smack and I'm going to steal all your thunder, brother. It's the curtains for you. It's done. That was my.

I think if you get if you get too fat, then you can only be a cannonball. Yeah. Yeah. If you get to. I never got to that point, but I always had a little belly on me. They qualified me for the the belly belly flop. Yeah. Belly flop racket. Now, the cannonball kids kids the whole point of being a cannonball kid

is that you're so fucking fat a bunch of water comes out of the pool and that's always a good gag but but that'll start to piss the parents off so you don't really get too many of those so you gotta you gotta losing weight to be a belly flop kid you're like yeah i'm sorry i'm gonna die and i i can't do the cannon anymore. You know you're a little chubby if you ever do a dive and people think it's a joke. Yeah, yeah. If you watch a couple of your friends do dives, you're like, I want to try that,

and you just kind of graze the top of the water and then sink to the bottom like a rock, and you hit it, and you're like, yeah, I guess I'm a fan. I didn't really know i was a chubby kid until like i don't know i guess i always kind of knew because my dad would be like what's up fat you know what's up fat boy or whatever but like the the i didn't know amongst my peers i was chubby until we would do pool stuff.

And, of course, I was shirt in the pool kit for sure, 100%. Were you a shirt in the pool guy? No, I've always had it off. But I never really was, like, fat. Oh. I don't want to make it seem like I was huge, but I was definitely chunky. Like, I wasn't medically fat as a kid, but I was definitely, like I wasn't medically fat as a kid but I was definitely like like chubby like it was I had the I guess I had basically the same body I have now yeah I'm trying to think if I know because I'm not fat right now I I guess fat me I was pretty fat but I was I wasn't like you know like 500 pounds I was probably I was pretty fat, but I wasn't like 500 pounds.

I was like 265. Yeah, I mean, I was probably in fifth or sixth grade. I was well over a bill. But I think I just hit a growth spurt, and I just stayed like 155 until I left for college or whatever. Yeah, being a fat kid is awesome. You've got to learn to do all sorts of type of shit. You've got to learn to do back sorts of type of shit. You gotta learn to do back flips, belly flops.

It always sucked because... The watermelon. The watermelon. The corkscrew type thing. Yeah, jackknife. On the trampoline, you're always the double bouncer. You never get to be double bounced, but that's a sacrifice you have to make

when you eat fucking Fritos all goddamn day. Were your parents strict on what you ate as a kid? Somewhat, but we had so many kids in the house that, like, let's say if we got a two liter of Dr. Pepper, it would literally last 15 minutes. So if you got a little cup of it, that was what you got. I remember we didn't eat fast food really because we couldn't afford to. Yeah. But we would still have like pan fried chicken or like chicken and dumplings, you know, time to time. have like pan fried chicken or like chicken dumplings you know time to time but we honestly i remember there was like a stretch of a few years where we pretty much exclusively ate casserole

yep yep there was like a casserole era and like a frito pie era hamburger helper era um i remember like a lot of pork chops because they you can get, like, ten of them for, like, you know. Yeah. No goddamn money. Or just fucking bland-ass chicken breasts sometimes. Yeah, baked, and it's dry as fuck. Like, the kind of baked chicken with no seasoning that's just, like, yeah, it's just, like, chewing on a fucking piece of leather.

A lot of spaghetti, but, like, with the ragu. Yep, yes, sir. Spaghetti, and it's it's like a meat sauce oh we had a pretty good month that's not bad uh you're looking at our spaghetti stats i got my spaghetti stats why did i didn't i did not authorize to pay uh the conboys from our i don't know why it's doing that i wonder if it's we've been subbed to it for like five months. I assumed you did it.

I wonder if that because I merged my – this isn't funny. But I merged my personal with this, but I didn't authorize it. Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. It's fine. I'm fine with it coming out of there. I didn't mean for that. I'm sorry.

I literally – We owe them like 80% of our following. That's true. I know this is very... I legitimately did not know that was happening and I'm sorry. No, I've known it was happening the whole time. It's fine. It's very funny.

Whatever. I wonder if it's because my... Did you know we're still paying Shopify $26 a month to have a storefront where there's no... No, but that's fine. Yeah, I figured that one out the other day. Yeah, that's okay.

That's very funny. Man, that rocks. We're gonna have a fucking pretty penny this month. That's not too bad. Probably like a million dollars? Yeah, 14 bucks. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude. I think I made like negative 500 bucks this week. This is like a fucking rough week. Yeah, dude. I got paid and I went Christmas shopping and paid a bunch of bills

except rent. And I was like, let me check how I'm doing now. And it's like, you have enough money to pay rent. And that's it. And I'm like, oh, man, that's so awesome. That's the sickest thing in the whole fucking world. I had to get Christmas gifts and shit.

What did you get me for Christmas, man? For Christmas? Yeah. I got you a secret. i can't tell you i know christmas is coming up and i've already gotten my gifts for everybody um and i know what you're getting um uh you know and that's i wouldn't even worry about it if I were you Because I've thought about what I'm getting everybody I'm probably going to get

I'll probably just buy my extended family gifts this year Just like my cousins in Georgia who I've never spoken to Yeah And like My ancestors maybe. My great aunt in orange who probably doesn't remember who I am. Maybe, I don't know. What about you?

You doing anything fun this year? I think I'm just gonna go as a snowman or something this year. Christmas Halloween? What are you gonna be for Christmas? I'm gonna be the fucking Christmas tree. I'm gonna be an ornament. I'm just gonna gain like 800 pounds and get perfectly around. Yeah, I don't know. around um yeah i don't know uh i'm going to ashley's um parents for a uh for a pajama party um and like the whole family's gonna be there and uh we're gonna hang out i got gifts for the kids

and uh gifts for you know i just did a bunch of shopping today I'm not good though with gifts Like kids Give a kid a fucking like wand I don't know like a fucking Like a sparkly thing If it's a girl If it's a guy Give him a fucking truck And then get the fuck out of your way But with my own girlfriend

Dude like earlier today She was like We should surprise each other this year And I was like Oh Okay She's like I got you stuff

And I was like Cause we typically don't do gifts because she doesn't like, I don't like to receive gifts and she doesn't like jewelry or like we just like to go places. Like we like to travel and shit together. But then she was like,

we should get each other stuff. And I was like, okay. And she was like, you have to surprise me though. And I was like, I don't know what you, she's like, we've been dating like three years.

I'm like, what do you like? I was like, I don't mean what you. She's like, we've been dating like three years. I'm like, what do you like? I was like, I don't mean to sound. You want a gift card? Walmart. Dude, I'm like, I do so much. I feel like I'm a great boyfriend. Like, I do all that, you know.

But I was like, I know you wanted a coat and some glasses, like some drinking glasses, like vintage ones. And she was like, yes. I was like, all right, I'll get those. those and she was like that's not really a surprise now that's like well i wanted to make sure you wanted those things and she was like i did say that i wanted them and i'm like yeah but i got them i'm not good at surprises babe like here's what i got you you have to forget now by the way what size pants are you i know we've been dating for like three fucking years at this point you gotta be like ah well this is gonna be a big surprise i got us a pool table yep well i i couldn't ask you whether you wanted it looks like a yeah there's no returns on it it was i got us a 1977 corvette stingray uh yeah it, it was $13,000. Surprise.

I've wiped us both out and then some, because I know both of us don't have anywhere close to that much money. This is a hypothetical, but yeah, I got a minigun from GTA V, and I got the Corvette Stingray. I got this Malaysian child that you just can get now. But I didn't want to ruin it. I have to ruin this prize. I commissioned Mikey Miles to do a tribute video for you on OnlyFans.

Did you see? Man, you brought up the fucking. Did you see his most recent post? No. Man, let me read this to you. It's awesome. I'm used to having no money. Actually, I'm used to having a negative balance.

If I have some money for some pizza or underwear recently, I'm jumping up and down. I have lived in very small rooms all of my life. Paying the rent and having food in my fridge is my top priority. Everything else is icing on the cake. I'll usually pick up pennies on the ground i've been single for years and have no children it's sink or swim paycheck to paycheck one week to the next i feel like he's gonna do something really bad soon like i i don't

and i feel like everybody's hasn't he had like two sexual assault charges? Yes, but you know what I mean. Like I feel like, yes, you're right. He's already done something really bad like I think two times. But I'm talking like bodies. Like I just, this reads like, you know. And you know what? I feel like the internet or at least the little corner of the internet that we have

is partially fucking responsible for this shit. Because I don't know if had he not been found by all the old school fucking forum dickheads or whatever. I say that like I'm not friends with most of them. Like all of them or whatever. But had they not found him, I wonder if he would have just got a normal job at Cheesecake Factory. No, no. There's no chance. You don't think so?

No, dude. His brain is not equipped. You don't think so? No, dude, his brain is not equipped. You don't think so? You don't think that internet fame hasn't made him worse? I don't think there was a way for him to recover. He's fucking like 40 years old and still thinks he's going to be a fucking professional actor. That is not the internet. He was like that before.

Right, I get that. I understand. When you're 35, it's over. Your brain's not developing. He wasn't going to flip a switch and go work at Goldman Sachs. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, very good. He wasn't going to find the limitless pill on the ground

and start fucking coding or something. Start finger fucking coeds and shit hanging out. Yeah, it was. You fucking look at him, man. He looks like Gollum. It's been over before it started. That's a very good point. He has the spine of a fucking gargoyle.

It's over. Dude, fucking Eli. The rock and roll photos. Mikey posted like, you know uh 37 years old today it's only up from here eli replied he was the first one no it's not man i know he's a cocksucker like not eli eli's great but like i know mikey's a piece of shit but like it was the first reply it It had like 300 likes. It's just fucking ratioed on its own post.

Like, another year older, another year wiser. Just a kid from NY. Always striving to do my best and forget about the rest, and I'm ready for the test. You know, hashtag just a kid from NY. 37 years old, 38. Can't wait for it to get better. Fucking Eli.

It's not going to, man. It's like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I guess you're right, dude. Part of me feels this weird guilt for like, because there's so many fucking just monsters. Like me and Ben and Cam and our buddies uh say you know all our friends we have like this main chat and primarily what it is is it's like well primarily it's just like saying stupid shit but we send like different tiktok and like twitter guys back to each other

whatever and i'm like i feel a little guilty for like encouraging this but it is kind of like my version of reality tv which i don't like watch that much unless like ashley puts it on but it's like i'll talk shit about my 600 pound life or whatever i'm like who would watch this why are you consuming this fucking trash and then i'll watch a schizophrenic guy who has like two tiktok followers like smoke glass on live and then like run his head through a thing of sheetrock and And I'm like, hell yeah. This is totally forgivable and excusable behavior. Yeah, I mean, you see a guy jacking off on a park bench. He's not going to finish jacking off and then go to work.

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Like tomorrow, he's not going to be like, hey, yesterday I jacked off on the park bench, but today I'm going to start a charity. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like tomorrow he's not going to be like, hey, yesterday I jacked off on the park bench, but today, you know, I'm going to start a charity. Yeah, yeah. He might jack off on the same park bench. Yeah. You know, that's either here nor there, but that's what happens typically.

I'm not saying people can't, you know, improve their own behavior and stuff. I'm just saying past a certain point if it hasn't happened it it not saying it won't happen but it probably won't be like a complete 180 you know what i mean one of my favorite youtube channels is uh and i i understand from an aesthetic standpoint like why they think they're doing good work like i don't i understand i think they have the best intentions but they're those barbers and they go around like east la and they go around like places in harlem that are still bad and they go around bad neighborhoods and they pick up homeless people and then they edge their shit

up tight as fuck dude their beards they give them fucking like the cleanest taper fade you've ever seen and then they try to get them help and nine times out of ten these dudes don't want help there's always like a nice success story where a guy's like man street man i can't fuck and you know he goes and gets help or whatever which is awesome i have a fucking stupid brain and i'm thinking about that guy is gonna go pull his penis out at the liquor store but with the cleanest fade you've ever seen like if a guy has a full mop of hair with bugs in it and he's got a fucked up beard he pulls his penis out you're like okay i saw that coming from a fucking way but if a guy has the cleanest fade you've ever

seen the freshest one and his beard is lined the fuck up and his jaw's popping and he's fucking looking fresh and they do this the skin cleansing thing too with a pumice stone his jaw's popping and he's fucking looking fresh. And they do this skin cleansing thing too with a pumice stone. His shit's looking soft as fuck. And he walks up to the fucking liquor store cashier and just slaps his nuts down to the table. Like, that's jarring. Because if a guy with like stinky dreadlocks

with like dead mice in it does that shit, you're like, you're still fucking upset about it. But you fucking saw it coming because he's a fucking homeless guy with dead rat in his head but if the if like if drake walked up but just a little stinkier it was like yo i'm gonna pull my penis out you don't give me some of that parrot bay rum like you would be fucking weirded out because he's cleaned up and most of these guys don't choose the rehab they're like nah man like out on the street man i'm a real ass motherfucker man

i'm on the street but they look like actors because they clean man like out on the street man i'm a real ass motherfucker man i'm on the street but they look like actors because they clean them like here's the thing obviously like i'm not saying homeless guys under all that are fucking you know chiseled models but for whatever reason i guess for the camera every now and then they will like clean up a dude who's like like conventionally handsome like he like underneath all that shit he's like yeah you know me i'm mr tweed bird i've been living under the gwb my whole life and i've been fucking killing big birds with a hammer and they're like absolutely man you want to get off fint and he's like no man i love smoking it and they're like swag okay they send him on his way he just skips down new york cleanest motherfucker that anybody's ever seen fresh fade

completely schizophrenic and strung out and i i love that like it's i again i get what they're doing but like imagine imagine get i mean i don't know you can get robbed by anybody but like yeah imagine turn on the corner and a guy's got his dick in a drain spout, but he looks like DJ Khaled. Like, he's as cleaned up as, like, I don't know, Deshaun Watson. Like, just the cleanest fucking shit you've ever seen. Like, it would be a little bit more upsetting than if you just saw a dude, yeah, with, like, a rat's nest or whatever. Anyway, I had to get on my little soapbox uh

no i i see where you're coming from i'm uh i hate homeless people man hey i'm just kidding i'm just kidding uh hey if you're in uh los angeles uh in like even if you're homeless if you're homeless come to the show homeless Come to the show Come to the fucking show Especially if Actually only if Yeah we only reserve the tickets For homeless guys Hey

Where else Where else do you need to be that night Yeah we're gonna give you a fresh fade And then we're gonna give you Some pain And Jake's Jake's gonna pay for you To have a hotel for a week

Yeah yeah It's coming out of Pandejo time It's not coming out of my money It is coming out of Jake's personal account, which I can give you the numbers for. Yeah, I think you probably could. Please don't. I cannot, but I bet I could guess the password in three tries. Please don't do it on here.

I got to try one. Yeah, come to the Virgil doors at 530 on December 10th. That's a Saturday. Me and Thomas are going to be joined by our very funny friend, Ben Avery, host of the Lemon Party podcast. Check out that shit on Patreon, Spotify, Apple Pod, any fucking thing where you listen to your shit. He's a funny motherfucker, a very close friend of mine,

and he's going to be doing the show with us. Not as close as a friend of mine, but he is a funny guy, and I'm getting to know him better. Yep, that's true. Hey, you know, I don't know him that good like Jake does, but I have seen him. Jake has known him for a lot longer than I have, but we do get along well. Something to keep in mind. Yeah, he would be joining us. And then I don't think that we did a meet and greet thing,

but obviously if y'all want to take pictures or whatever, hang out. I don't think any of you are going to want to do that. But, you know, if you want to take pictures. We'll be hanging out. LA is a. Probably not in the venue. No, we'll go outside. Outside.

And we'll start a riot. We'll start shooting guns. I'll bump cigarettes off you sick bucks. Yeah. Wee! I don't know why... Woo! That's what riots sound like.

Wee! Yeah! Yeah, I love killing police officers. Wee! Oh, goddammit. Goodbye.