Pendejo Time - Lipper......

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

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Why doesn't anybody want to buy, you know, this car that's made me really miserable and I've put too much of my money into it? And then I remember that the markets are unhealthy. The markets are showing signs of distress. The markets are showing signs of a deep sickness. And so people are probably apprehensive about making rash, this economic financial decisions. To which I say, poppycock. You know what I mean?

Just purchase, just purchase the dang van so I can run the IRS their money. I don't want them to dig me down and take me to jail and lock me down. But I want somebody to buy it. But here's the thing. I will not take anything less than a certain amount that no one would pay for it. So I'm kind of in what's called the old shit box gambit,

where my sunk cost fallacy has put me in a place where I'm like, well, I don't think I want to take anything less than $12,000 for this piece of shit. And nobody, I think, anybody wants to pay it for that. But maybe somebody who doesn't understand. I like that we took opposite approaches to the same method of losing like $9,000. Yeah.

Whereas yours broke down soon after you got it. And so you started putting money into it and fixing it over and over and over. And mine stopped working. And I immediately parked it in my backyard until I moved across the country. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I moved it. I only sold it like a week before. Yeah. Yeah. I remember I would go over to your house and there would be like grass growing around it. And I was like, when are you going to get this thing going? And he'd be like, any day now.

I think that's on the agenda at some point. I remember we were like talking or whatever. And I was like, I remember we were talking or whatever, and I was like, I'll come over. I think my van had, I think the motor had just exploded, and I was thinking about fucking just setting it on fire. It's like the first time the engine blew up, and I was like, dude, I'll come over. I'll bring, I think I've got a,

I think I've got one of those metric ratchet sets you get from AutoZone, and I've got one of those Harbor Freight jack stands. I think I have some tubes. I think I have some hoses for like a small block Chevy. And I think I've got a radiator that a bunch of rats lived in for a little while. And I think maybe we do it if we put our minds together,

both you and I could die under that car, under that C-10 before noon if we really wanted to. I got it pretty well figured out. I knew the transmission was fucked, and then I got it to start, and it was white smoking. I turned it back off, and I went, well, there you have it. White smoke means that they've chosen a new transmission for my Chevy C-10.

Yep, white smoke is good. It's awesome. That means it's smoking weed. That means my truck's high as hell. Oh, man. That means we're hot boxing the box body. And after that, it sort of becomes like a couch. Yeah, I know for sure.

If you ever bench-sieged a couch in the backyard, you can sit in and you can think of everything you ever did wrong. You know about how you thought you were going to be a guy from a movie. Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And now you are a different guy from a movie. Now you're Bill Murray in Rushmore. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're fucking one of the guys from Fargo, one of the fucking misguided detectives. It's not even really like a depressing thing. It's just like, you know what? You think, man, I used to grill out here.

I used to do it. I used to do it. I used to do it. Yeah. Now I sit in my weeds. In my weed truck. My weeds. My three foot tall weeds all in the yard.

I used to let the backyard get like two or three feet tall sometimes also. Yeah, I remember. And then people would be like, oh, I just got to grab something from the back row cook and I'd be like, all right, sorry, it looks like I kill people. I don't. I think if you just had the overgrown yard, it wouldn't have looked like you kill people. But you also had the deadlift on the concrete slab with the C10, with the weeds growing into the C10. And then I had all the firewood, too.

Yeah. Yeah. For no reason, no fireplace. Yeah, yeah. It was all for community service hours. Yeah, yeah. I had this hair-brained scheme. I was going to use the fireplace. It was all for community service hours. I had this hair brain scheme. I was going to use the firewood to pay my community service hours.

I ended up just, turns out you could just buy $400 worth of diapers. Donate them. Did that for a lot of it. Did that for a lot of it. And then I just let the rest rot. It's so funny to have to get court mandated community service. I did that for a while, but then I just let the rest rot. It's so funny to have the court mandated community service. And you're just like, I think I'm just I think I'll just buy my way. I'll tell you what, I wasn't doing community service.

Yeah. Done enough for that before. I'm not I'm not picking up trash with a bunch of 16 year olds. Yeah. No. My fucking. Take my disgusting body out to the highway. It's funny now I pick up trash for work and 25 and I make the same money I did in high school so. It's honestly not that bad. Yeah, this is pretty cool. I always do, every time you go on one of these monologues, I think about fucking Devin at the Living Party show all pissed drunk giving us our monologue about how we need to take our lives serious. It's like, what do you do?

What do you do for work? And I'm like, I think I send emails is like what about you? You're like, I dig fucking holes enough of this you boys need to move to LA Quit this fucking working man shit Fuck yeah, I It's not too bad. Fuck. Yeah. It's when you think, I remember when you first got it, there's something about, and I'm sure there's some listeners that can relate to this. There's something about spending every dollar

that you've spent a long time saving on something like an old truck or a fast old car. And for like three weeks, it's like, dude, for three weeks, it was like nothing bad had ever happened to me. I mean, for like I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt every day. Yeah, I was driving. I was drinking and driving and I was like, I can't go to jail. The car's too cool.

Like, I can't like I can't they can't even arrest me because this thing is so badass I mean dude really it's awesome like I would show up to parties sober just smiling just like I don't know man Something's happened dude. I just I think I find think it finally clicked for me man all the fucking pain Dude, all this stupid shit just fucking went away. I think I just, I don't know. And it's because I had a cool old car. And then it stops running. And you're like, nope, it's all real. It all comes rushing back. All the fucking hurt, the betrayal, the deceit,

the fucking lies, dude. It all comes rushing. You hear that fucking k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k. And you tell yourself it's an exhaust manifold leak. You go, that? I know that rushing. You hear that fucking k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k- there, tighten some bolts, maybe throw a new gasket on there, and it's fine. And then your transmission goes, and you go, that is the sound of a good, hardworking 700R4 transmission. When it goes, every time you put it in reverse, and when you put it in reverse and it doesn't go into reverse,

that means that the truck is just taking a little break. You know what I mean? The transmission is just going, and it's going to do a big lift, and it's going to make you go into reverse really fast and efficiently. You know what I mean? That's what that means. Doesn't mean that it's over.

It doesn't mean that you've lost completely that it's over. It doesn't mean that you've lost completely and that you've made a fucking tragic error. There's something kind of nice about losing completely, though. Everything? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when I went to sell the truck, I was like,

I'm not going under $1,800. Yeah. The guy showed up and gave me $1,200. And I said, you got yourself a deal. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I had the van listed for $15,000. That's about what I paid to get it transported to Texas. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. I had it listed. Yeah, like, I think what I'm going to have to do is I'm going to have to knock it down to like seven or eight. I know that's what's going to have to happen because it's got a new engine, it's got a new transmission, but it just, I don't know, it doesn't want to fucking run. And in your case, I mean, yeah, that's no good. You kind of hit the nail on the head. You do feel, you're like, I always wanted to be a guy with an old truck, but in the movies, the truck never breaks down. And if it does, there's like a montage of the guy with just like a, you know, like a 14 millimeter ratchet. And then maybe like there's an engine

hoist like in the garage and the engine's already in there. And then like they slap the top of it and it goes, and it runs. As I found it, and it goes, go, go, go, go, and it runs. As I found out, that's not how it works in real life. In the movies, the guy never sits in the van and thinks about killing himself, you know what I mean? All the money that he could have had if he just didn't do it, didn't have it. You know?

Anyway. It doesn't matter. I just wanted to start you guys off with something positive. Yeah, a positive note. If you guys are on Facebook Marketplace and you have a little bit of money that you saved up, I want to let you guys know that the markets are fine and you want to buy that old fucking third gen F body.

You want to buy the old fucking GTO. You want to buy that rice burner? Do it. While it runs, you will have no problems. I do mean that. I'm not being sarcastic for the show. While that old car runs, it will solve literally every problem you have.

You got a girlfriend you want to break up with, but you don't know how to do it. Old car fixes it. Your dad's an alcoholic. You don't know how to talk to him. Old car fixes it. Your mom is schizophrenic or something. Old car fixes it. Your mom is like schizophrenic or something, old car fixes it, you know.

You got a sister, she's dating a, not a contributing member of society, old car fixes it, you know. Caught your old lady cheating on you with a goddamn, with a goddamn fucking platypus. Old car fixes it. It's easy, squeezy, limbo, peasy. Life's a breeze when you're living easy.

I was coming up with cars that I've decided to invent earlier because I do believe whenever I'm in a more powerful position that people ask me to invent cars. And that is something that's true, I think. President Tom, do you think you have time to invent a new automobile? Yeah, I'll cut my golfing down to nine holes this weekend and get to it.

I invented a hybrid Crown Victoria, the 2026 Crown Victoria. It's a hybrid V8. And I hear what you're saying. Thomas, if it's a hybrid, you could probably not get down to a v6 right? well I decided not to for this invention. It'll still it'll get about 21 miles per gallon. Okay. Because we're talking about a v8 so and rather than with most

hybrids whenever it's idling, it'll just be the hybrid engine. For this one, the hybrid engine is only whenever you get up in speed. The idling will still be dirty. The idling will only be the gas engine. Yeah, and as a feature, to give it a bit more rugged feel, the air to fuel ratio is completely fucked.

So it's going to idle at like, I don't know. What do you think, Thomas? 4,000 to 5,000 RPM? That sounds just about right, Jake. And I seem to be pretty loud. You actually get better gas mileage when you're driving. Because when you're idling, you're going to be idling at about third gear.

Yeah. But it's what people have been asking for. And even if I don't agree with all the features, it's what people want. Right, right, right. Now, I have to ask you, because it doesn't seem like at any point so far the hybrid engine has kicked in, the electric motor.

I'm going to just throw out a guess. The electric motor is going to kick in when you throw that bad boy into reverse. Is that true? It does reverse in electric, only in electric, which is nice because it's got a completely different feel. You get the pedal and it accelerates at a much higher rate in reverse than it does going forward. Yeah, forward 0 to 60 in about 9 seconds, reverse 0 to 60 in about 1.4. That's right. Yeah. So we do advise people to be careful.

These are not safe to drive. If I'm not mistaken, it's the first car that in reverse has a higher horsepower to wheel output than in forward. That's right. That's right. And that's a huge design flaw on my part. But I'm putting this car out because I do believe in it

and it's what people have asked for. And I'll be calling it the hybrid Ford Crown Victoria. And it has nothing to do with the brand Ford. It is a model based on theirs, but these are cars that I've made with some of my friends, all based in Brooklyn. So that'll be cool. Just you and two Dominican guys, one Hassid.

And Nick Mullen. And we've all been together working on these. Nick Mullen. Yeah. The two Dominican guys are drinking fucking goddamn soul just on the fire escape, watching the Jewish guy just kind of stare in the engine bay. You and Nick both have YouTube up,

and you're watching a YouTube video of a guy with Down syndrome having sex with a playground slide. And you're like, we're close. We almost got it ready to go. Yeah, we're going to try and push this one a little late tonight, burn the midnight oil, and get this car done so we can have it for sale in the lot tomorrow. Yep.

Imagine a car dealership where the cars are freshly made, so they're still hot when you get in them. Yeah, the engine is about 400 degrees. Yeah, the door handles and everything are all hot. It's all steamy in there as soon as you get in the car. Because people talk about new car smell, but how about new car feel? Hot car feel. Yes. Yeah.

The paint should be fresh. Fresh paint. Very fresh. Yeah. Dry, but only just dried. Soon as it's dry, get it out of there. We don't want to see it anymore. When you turn the car on, it's idling 3, 4,000 RPM, just right in park. The paint's wet.

All the plastic on the dash and stuff, it's still kind of moldable, because it just came out of the fucking, the cast. The engine is soft too. The metal is still like a glowing orange, you know what I mean? Because it just came out of the, whatever the fucking thing it is.

And that'll keep the fluids in there. Yeah, at optimal temperatures. You want your oil to be about 1,000 degrees Kelvin. I think that's what a, that's the normal operating temperature. Man, I think the hybrid Ford Crown Victoria V8 model is going to be a real hit with the young kids. I hope so. I got a lot of money riding on this,

and I really need it to do well for me to just keep living the lifestyle that I'm living. I've kind of banked everything on this. I've got a lot of debt related to this. Cars. I've spent hundreds of thousands on licensing, branding, building the cars, getting the studio space together. It's probably cost me over $200,000

to make and design these cars. And I've probably made, I don't know, 200 of them. Well, so here's my thing. The hybrid Ford Crown Victoria V8 model is the name of the car. But every, you know, that's just the model. Every make has got a classic name. Tesla, Chevrolet, Kia, you know, Aston Martin. You know what I mean?

Dodge. So I guess my question to you is that if the name of the car, think of it like a Sonata or a Camaro, is the hybrid Ford Crown Vittoria V8. What is the make? Is it just Thomas Carr's? I mean, you can go minimalistic with it, but knowing you, I would assume that you have something kind of immediately

recognizable. It has that undeniable magic. It has that undeniable like Bugatti, just immediately recognizable and immediately understood as and, and just kind of immediately understood as valuable. It'll have two badges. It'll be centered. So it'll have the Ford badge and then it'll have the Thomas White International League of Automobiles. Twila. Gotcha. Yeah. It'll have that badge next to it. Um, but the same size. Okay. So the font will be on the smaller side, but we trust it won't be abbreviated, but it'll be same size. Okay. So the font will be on the smaller side but we

trust it won't be abbreviated but it'll be probably size 12. Okay. And I'm really excited about it because I've never had my name on a car before and growing up people said that it was unlikely that when I got older I would make my own cars with my friends based on Ford. People said that was probably not going to happen. Nobody told me it couldn't, but people said that they doubted that's what my calling was

and that I would enjoy doing that. People even at my last job were saying that I would probably be better off continuing to have a job. Yeah. And not going into a lot of debt to make different pieces of a car that I could actually put together in my home. Yeah.

Keep working in the arborist thing, man. You'll get your license eventually. Yeah. Yeah. You guys stick with that. It takes a lot to cut down a tree. It takes a lot more to put together an automobile based on parts that you can even get from a tree.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Who could actually carve a car out of a tree? Me and Henry Ford, two men who think a lot alike, even if we act differently on our thoughts. You know, the first complete automatic transmission made out of the China berry tree, the bark. So I appreciate that.

And I'm sure that'll have a long and sturdy life. You know how we're fucked? You know why we're fucked. You know why we're fucked. You can't even get a Ford Taurus or Ford Focus anymore. They don't even make the Focus. Yeah, we lost recipes, I think. There's nothing like an ugly... We're losing all the sedans. Yeah, we're losing the...

You can't get a Lincoln Town Car, you can't get... Buick doesn't make a sedan, Lincoln doesn't make a sedan. It's over. Everything's a crossover. Yeah, it's all crossover SUV. I don't know. I like hatchbacks, so... They're okay. I miss this.

I mean, like, if you... A hatchback is very utilitarian, you know, I mean, it's hard. Yes. It's hard to deny the utility of a hatchback. Yeah, I Miss this I miss the wide square body 90s everything I do. I love that shit It's why you know if money was no object. I would be a hellcat white guy I just I can't help it like I love the way I love them. I know that they are mostly designed to kill people They're not really meant to be driven normally but Yeah, I'm we I don't really I'm not too crazy about the crossovers. It's all it they all I

Know why dealerships do it It's because that's what people with money like and you chase the money. The consumer that has the money makes the taste and people with money have no taste. That's kind of the way that it works. But yeah, I hate it. The van has this kind of interior,

but do you remember when like every car, regardless of trim just had that red burgundy everything. Yeah. I miss that. The red burgundy cloth, red burgundy dash, red burgundy carpet. The van is like that. Once I sell the van, I know I'm probably never going

to ride anything like that again, which hurts. But I miss when they would throw that shitty fucking red burgundy cloth in literally every fucking truck and SUV and sedan like the the goddamn Crown Victoria's had it the ones in the early 90s all the old Jimmy's had it fucking old old Bourbons etc so on and so forth and now we have is Nardo Grey and shitty fucking leather interior. Yeah, Texan, why don't you try taking the train for once? Yeah, I'm sure there's some nice burgundy interior on the bus you could use.

Okay. Yeah, that's my roast to you. Oh, it's your roast to me? You got roasted by me. Because I don't have any... Because I was calling you a car sell. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yep. You guys have to pay... It's awesome that this train ticket is not actually that good. I was going to say when we were on tour to get out of New Jersey, I saw some of the, this trend here is like not actually that good. I was going to say when we were on tour to get out of New Jersey, because we stayed in Cherry Hill when we played Philly, you had to pay $6 to get out of Jersey just to get out of the city.

There was no other way around to get out to pay without getting out. And again, I could be wrong on that. If you're a Jersey head and I'm wrong. In a car or in a? In a car. We were in a car. Oh, yeah, you got to pay a toll to?

Like, get out of New Jersey, like to go towards Pennsylvania, or to get out of the state. And we had. I thought you meant just in, like, I thought you meant across a particular bridge or whatever. I didn't know you meant like all. It could have been the particular, we may have just made a wrong turn,

but we asked the toll lady, it was like, what happens when you don't have the money? And she was like, I don't know, we don't bill people. And I was like, and they also didn't take card. We had cash, but I was like, am I just like, am I stuck in New Jersey forever? I'd kill myself. I mean, obviously not.

You know, I'd figure out a way out. But like, it was just weird that it was like, yeah, you have to pay $6 to get out of here or else. Yeah, it might have been just a bridge toll thing. Maybe. Yeah, probably. I'd probably be making a mountain out of a molehill. But I thought it was weird to be like,

I just need to get to the next city of this tour. And I don't want to pay $6. Is that fine? And it wasn't fine. I was just swinging through. We're at that hotel. We stayed at it in Cherry Hill. It was a real piece of work.

The door had been recently kicked in. And I told the front desk lady, and she was about, Thomas, I want to say, 385 pounds, maybe 4 foot 9. And I mean, just a real smoke show. You know what I mean? Huge flat ones and a scar that ran from the top of right around here to about the bridge of her nose. And I said, excuse me, ma'am.

And she went yeah and I said I think somebody kicked the door and it doesn't shut and she said I don't give a shit we had like about six grain worth of musical equipment in there and I was like okay and I said we have the blankets were on the floor and there's no sheets and she just didn't even look me in my eye. It was awesome. I love hotels like that. It's not really, it's nice to stay in a nice hotel.

But sometimes it's nice to stay in a place where you might get fucked financially and just like you know. You didn't just ask for a different room? You stayed in the room? Yeah, we stayed in the room. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I slept in there. I think I shouldn't have slept on that bed. You remember that hotel we stayed at in weed where everything was wet? Yeah. That was like the four seasons compared to the one we stayed. That place.

I know that you stayed up all night thinking about fantasizing or not fantasizing, but like kind of having anxiety, nightmares about both of us getting stabbed and fucked to death in that hotel. But this place that we stayed in in Cherry Hill was like. I kept falling back to sleep in the dream about getting murdered in the hotel room. And I was like, not that paranoid.

And I was like, this is not that bad. Stop having dreams about getting murdered in here. All the details would be be perfect in the dream. I'm like, how do I know this room that well? I don't even know my own apartment very well in dreams. I think I woke up at one point. You were in the bathroom. But I feel like I sat behind my eyes for a while, not asleep,

but not awake. But you were just in the bathroom in there. I don't know if you were having a panic attack or something. Maybe I dreamt that. But I definitely remember. I took a shower pretty late. Oh, OK. Yeah, that might have been it.

It's just like, I'm with you, though. When that family pulled in and stayed next to like two houses, two rooms down from us, I was like, you don't need to bring your kids here. This is literally the, this literally where you go in the movie when you just killed all the coeds and you just need a place to hide out for a little while. You know what I mean?

You did an Elliot Rodger in UCLA and you got to hang out a little bit. And then I insisted on going to that diner and there was like 100 flies in there. Dude, dude, the way that you know the... Finally some good... Good eat. Good food.

Yeah. From the kitchen to the bathroom to all the tables, there was just big black house flies. That's how you know it's fresh. Oh yeah. That's how you know it's got that good shit, that good... You got that yummy, yummy, yeah. That's how you know it's got that good shit. That good is. You got that yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. Do you think he's talking about dinner in that song? That she's got really good dinner in her house?

I think he's talking about dessert. Ooh, you think he's talking about cake? Vagina. Probably pussy. He's probably kissing it. Probably, yeah. Justin Bieber kissing and licking vagina. Dot com.

Jamie, pull that up. Jamie? Justin Bieber eating pussy. Justin Bieber licking and sucking on pussy.gov. Please? Justin Bieber kissing girl who looks like him. Justin Bieber having sex with a girl. Justin Bieber kissing Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber kissing Justin Bieber's mom. Justin Bieber was caught canoodling with himself outside of a girl. Justin Bieber kissing Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber kissing Justin Bieber's mom. Justin Bieber was caught canoodling with himself outside of a club. Just shows him jacking off. Sitting in the front of a fucking bugatti. Ooh, who's Justin Bieber's new bae? It's his fucking 50%er. Just halfway hard.

Fucking straight splurting it. He seems like he's not doing too good. But then again, like, you know. Who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck? Who is? You know what I mean? Whenever I see a picture of him.

He's had this coming for a long time, that asshole. Rod in hell, Bieber. Rod in hell, Bieber. I'm the guy from the YouTube comments in 2009. Suck your own dick and fucking die, Justin Bieber. I'm the guy from the YouTube comments in 2009. Suck your own dick and fucking die Justin Bieber. You've ruined music for the last time Bieber. Yeah I hated the song baby whenever I was a kid. Yeah. And fuck you Ludacris. Just for good measure. Just for being on Baby. And fuck that YouTube video and fuck PewDiePie too. He's cringe as hell.

I can't stand for this. The internet used to be a place where I could. Yeah, I just listen to, I just watch fucking John Tron all day. Listen to stained. You guys fucking suck. I'm gonna go watch Vsauce. I'm gonna go watch Smosh and listen to fucking epic rack battles of history. I don't know if there's something you would like, but the Mustang Dark Horse Premium

with the modified Coyote V8 and 500 horsepower, Trimix 6-speed. It starts at $69,375. I didn't know if that was up your alley. It's funny because whenever I go window shopping for cars, I'll start where my budget ends, which is about $22,000. And I'm like, all right, you know, I can get like a 2019 Kia K4 with like 60,000 miles. And then what I'll do is I'll bump my budget up $1,000

until I'm on the Ford dealership looking at the GTD or the dark wars. And I'm like, okay, so at 69950 with a $10,000 down payment, which I have, by the way, that'll put me at about $1,800 a month for 72 months. I think if I cut back a little bit, I can make that work. With insurance, we are looking all in at about $2,400 a month, but it will be my daily.

So I think I can make that work if I just break up with my wife. And if I leave my wife and I move into outside, if I move into outside, then I could have the dark horse. I don't know how to drive a stick shift very well. I know how to drive it to the point where I could burn the clutch out in about 1,000 miles, 2,000, maybe. There are a lot of hills out here,

so I'd definitely probably burn it out in a sub 2. Yeah, I can make that work. We can do that. I'll be the guy with the fucking Mustang. You know what I've noticed? I've never been like crazy jacked, but I've seen anecdotal stories of crazy jacked guys who they were like, yeah, I wanted

to get Jack to meet girls. And the only compliments I get are from guys, like online or whatever. I didn't get the van, obviously, for attention from women. I got it out of a weird desire to get the big homie nod from old head hippie dudes. You know what I mean? Just the knowing.

And I don't get those. You know who says the van is cool? Mexican Taquache Edgar guys. They can't get enough of it. One guy asked me at AutoZone how much I want to sell it for, because at the Purcell sign up, I said $12,000. He goes, ah, all at once? And I was like, yeah, all at once.

And he was like, OK, if I gave you two, and then maybe later. I was like, no, but those are the only guys that like it. The guys with the crazy haircuts, and they've got like the Fort Worth Metroplex. I bet he was good for it too. It just would have taken a while. Taken maybe 20 years.

20 years, but he would bring you over some food and stuff. Yeah, he'd bring me a 24 case of Modelo every two months. Say, I'm working on it, man. Hey, man, like I've been trying, bro. Oh, dude. I just lost some of it of it bro I just had some money on the way over and that shit was gone. I lost it. It fell out the window. Yeah it was in my pocket bro it's gone. It was 10 bands. It was 10, it fell out a whole of my dickies. It just the wind took it bro. Yo I had to spend it I had to spend it on my daughter's getting her class A CDL.

So she's going to make a lot of money and be able to pay you back. I'm putting my baby girl in traffic school. She's going to be a crossing guard. It costs about exactly as much as I owe you, weirdly enough. Down to the dollar. $20,000 to be a crossing guard. So she can make $20,000 to be a classic. So she can make $35,000.

$35,000 a year. Before taxes. After taxes, maybe $26,000. Yeah. Yeah, so I'll get it to you soon. But you know, don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. That actually did straight up happen to Ed,

my old roommate, you met him, Edgar. Man, he like bought a, he got his motorcycle license and he bought like this custom, like the frame was dipped in this like really cool fucking like, I don't know, like crazy geometric design, like ninja. I think it was a Hyas, whatever the fuck, ninja bike. It was crazy, dude. Sounded sick. I mean, it was black and red as bad ass.

And we get like a panic knock on the door one day. And we open it. It's this jacked, like fucking good old boy, white dude. And he's like, Hey, hey, I just chased like five kids down a neighborhood, and I got a hold of one of them. There was a fat kid on your motorcycle, he knocked it off, bro, the exhaust fell off, and I think maybe the steering column's fucked up too. And Edgar's like, what?

He was like, yeah, I got a hold of one of them though. Edgar's like, hold on, man. What happened to the bike? And we go outside, and sure enough, a bunch of fat Mexican kids were playing on his bike and knocked it the fuck over. Knocked the exhaust. I don't know how, but the exhaust was just off the bike. And it had fallen on one of the handlebars, and it just snapped the fucking handlebar clean off.

And the fuel tank was all dented. And then the Guy was like yeah, I got one of them and we didn't know what to do. We were like 22 And this white dude this big like corn-fed white boy is just standing next to this like fucking like sixth grader He's like, I don't know what y'all want to do. But hey, we got him We were like we were like dude. Let him go now. He was like, let's touch this kid. We were like, well, because for a second, for a split second, me and Edgar and the boys, we were like, OK, all right, thank you for getting him.

You know what I mean? He did a crime. And so now the crime is solved. The next step is rectifying the situation and then all of us Immediately realized that we are two seconds away from being accessories to the kidnapping of a child Because his kids obviously not happy that he was chased down and grabbed by a big scary white guy he's very unhappy about it, and he's very fat and he's very crying and And and he's very fat and he's very crying. And anyway, like, it gets sorted out.

Nobody ends up going to jail over that. But Edgar did work out a deal with the kid's dad, where he was like, hey, man, like, you know, your son was playing on my. He like, you know, the kid's like, I live over there, my dad. Just talk to my dad, whatever. You know, Edgar goes over there and he comes back

and he's just got like a yellow piece of notebook paper. And he's like, this guy says he's going to pay me $1,000 a month for like six months. And I was like, he's going to do that, like, for sure. Like, for sure. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, I think two months later, the guy just moved.

He just like up and left. Edgar never got any of that money. But yeah, it was pretty funny. The like after the kid left, he was like, what are you guys gonna do? And I was like, dude, you need to get out of here. I can't believe you grabbed a child and held him until like you, this isn't Scooby Doo, man.

There are like serious repercussions for this. This isn't like a fucking family guy cutaway gag like you can't you can't be doing shit like this I don't know what they were doing. He looked like kill the guys dad and the kid and we have to keep destroy the bike Plastic part of the bike makes you smell good be look green kill the dad. Oh be look green kill the dad oh shit they moved we better kill ourselves we better kill that neighborhood we better blow up my house so it looks like they did it right after they moved yeah the ultimate crime police will know exactly what happened. I'll go to jail for 20 years. I'll go to jail. I'll never see that one again.

I'll blow up the whole... That guy moved. What are you guys going to do, hold me down and tickle me? Yeah, that might make y'all feel better. Tie me up, put a wall my feet, and fuck him. I worked out a gentleman's deal with the guy's dad. I'm gonna tie my feet up together with a bunch of rubber bands and duct tape and let him oil my feet up and fuck the soles

until we're both squared away. Until I don't have bunions anymore. He's gonna fuck the bunions right off these old dogs. And that's the God's honest truth, brother. I've been trying to get foot jobs, but I have rheumatoid arthritis, so I gotta point my knees in weird. Just to get my toes to line up. I just tape my knees together when I do it. I take my knees together when I do it. These kids are into some weird stuff.

You know, whatever they need to do to get their yucks. You know, I just have to... You look like a double hourglass. I got to put my breathing strip in. I got to take my fiber pills and they take me to church. You know what I mean? They fuck the hell out of me. Yeah, I wish they'd fuck my ass instead.

I like that better. Decrepit pervert. They said my ass is all used up. They gotta use my feet. Fuck my feet. Even my hands are too blown out. Gotta take all these pills. Ain't got fucking my hands too much.

I can't get them out of the O shape. The decrepit perfect. I go down to the bar, let the boys run a train on my hand. I show them my asshole and they say, this thing's too blown out. Let me see those hands. I get a shower with glory holes. I'll just put my hand on it. You put your hand through the glory hole in another guy's mouth.

It's not your... Oh, okay. I thought you were just putting your hand through the hole and the guy was sucking on your hand. You didn't want to put your penis through there. Yeah, just Kiss it to the glory Yeah, I'm a breath is amazing stranger Which is a smaller hole? I have to take a lot of a leave and I got to keep a lot of that

What's that stuff called that flex sealant? I got to keep a lot of that in the truck I know you're supposed to use it for you know rubber stuff But it really helps with my blown out butt cheek and my hands, you know The youngins are into some wild stuff these days, but I am a pervert So I got I got to keep having sex or I'll get depression Yeah I'm a pervert, so I gotta keep having sex or I'll get depression. Yeah. I'm just an old lunch. I've been trying to work on myself lately.

I've been real depressed, so. Been trying to work on that, been letting everybody bang my hands. They curl up like crabs. Sort of like fucking a lobster, fucking a lobster, kind of. Because it's so, it's like a boiling shell around your member. Yeah. Well that's unfortunate.

You know, I'm kind of a lunch pail pervert, you know what I mean? You know, I mean like a hard working,, just kind of old school sexual deviant. That's nice. I show up to work every day in my long johns, and I let a couple of pipe fitters just kind of rip them off of me and fuck me silly in the cooling tower. You know what I mean? And you know it's a hard day's work.

We work 712s. It's turnaround work. You know what I mean? And you know, it's a hard day's work. We work 712s. It's turnaround work. You know what I mean? They turn me around. And you know, my family despises me for it. They look upon me with disgust and shame. But you know, I make a dollar a day. So my hands look like this, so my ass can look like that.

You know what I mean? I'm an old school pervert. I go up to the big beam in this guy, and I suck the guys off at the end of it. You dangle your feet off. I say, what are you going to do? Run past me. I'm up here on those beams, and you're on the wrong end.

Yeah, you're going to get your penis sucked by me. You've got to bounce on this beam. I've got to bounce on the beam also while I'm I'm really trying to think of how I would do this. I think if you reversed cowgirled it and straddled the beam and the fellow was so damn scared. I don't know how I'd be able to stay hard perform. Yeah, me neither. I think my penis would be very soft.

Too scared for any of it. I'd be so terrified. Please can we go down to a hotel? I have an affair down there. I hate wearing a high vis vest during the act. I hate wearing a high vis vest during the act. I hate wearing square toed fucking goddamn work boots while I get my shit blown the fuck out of the high vis. I hate giving it while wearing a hard hat. Makes me sad.

Makes me feel like gay bop a builder. Do you got your PPE on? I say, son, yes I do. Condom and dental dam. And I got my hard hat on too, soldier. Yes, sir. And CDD. Condom, dental dam.

Condom, dental dam construction. I got my PPE. Penis, pussy, excellent. Because I like both. I like both. And I don't care who I get it from. The bisexual foreman. They gotta be grown ups. That sounded bad.

Welcome to your first day on the job, son. I'm going to let you know that I need to have your PPE. Pussy penis? Excellent. Because I like both. I'm supervisor Horner Blowey. I'm from San Saba, Texas. One thing you need to know about me is that I am for sale every part of me and I can be used up here up here in this crane however need you need over you are needed to do that get over here green hand and once you put one of these crane joysticks in your ass and sit here and eat crackers with me until the cows come home. There's a reason this here, this here company has the most accents of any

contracting force in the southwestern United States. It is because I blow every safety guy and because he they all fuck me. And it's because all the guys who are trying to work, I play with them. I run. And I wear sperm jeans to work. Genes that create sperms. I run a loose ship, you understand?

I get people hurt but I fuck and suck all the OSHA guys so I don't really have to make no paperwork. The pay's not as good as it should be. The benefits ain't good. The safety's not really there. For DM's dog shit. You gotta pay me to come get fucked by me. And it's bad. And you're not gonna get paid. At the end of the day, you might have a hard time paying people out. I don't give any jobs done.

When they are, they aren't too good, but if there's one thing I can give you, it's a blow job. So the jobs that we do have open right now. The exact type of strain of syphilis that killed Al Capone. We do have curb stomper, and we do have load dumper, and we also do have pot fitters apprentice. But load dumper gets paid,

he's getting a bit more per diem, and curb stomper has no per diem, but he does have a bigger hourly. Now you will not, I wanna clear some up, you don't get to do the stomping, you are the stomped one. So it's sort of like a one day job type deal. Yep. It's sort of like ancient Greece. You know, it's like with the grapes, it's like I will stomp on you and it produces liquid that I later drink. Correct.

I make that's hey, that's how I feed my wife and kids. So don't you worry about yours. I worry about mine. Don't worry about your family. The only family that needs worrying about is mine. Because I do neglect them to have sex with all the men on the job site. And I'll say it like this. All my offspring are adults.

And they're old. Some of them older than me. And they'll be around. Make sure you're acting good. Make sure you're acting good cause they'll be acting bad. They will be hurting people here. They do do terrible things to people's spits and bodies.

My son, Sherpa, he's 36 years old. He'll do the same as me. He'll perch up on your neck like a parrot. Bend down and suck your cock. Oh, I'll sit on your shoulder. He'll take all the way tip to base and even the balls too. Because he's a good, hardworking Christian man. That's Charperper the 36 year old

He'll do that up in the crane. Sometimes he'll cut no safety harness. No nothing He'll be up there and he's able to jump out and kill himself after Bones in the break room He's eating a honey bun smoking a Marlboro light playing with his balls. That's old Charper. Yeah my other boy Lipper he's a millwright. He'll grab onto the sack and twist it around full 360 and then let it go like one of those toys from when you're a kid. 360 and then let it go like one of those toys when you're a kid like a double end bag or something he don't kill himself but he's just always around he's on the night shift to olip ain't that right Lipper how old are you now, Lipper? Lipper.

That's the answer you get. He mostly just says his name on account of a bad work accident. As he's fucking you, he will say his own name and then if you ask him to stop. Lipper. Yep, correct. Yeah. Lipper, I'm your daddy. Ain't that true?

Yeah, but he wasn't born yesterday. Oh, he's saying other words besides his name. Yeah. Everybody was a boy yesterday. Oh, he's saying other words besides his name. Sometimes, sometimes he gets it right. That's good. Lipper. Yep. Well, just be clear. Lipper and chirper and she won't get fucked to death by two

hard-working millwrights slash I don't even know what chirpers actual title is. I believe he just rapes people in the crane. I don't know if we got like a blue collar term for that. Crane rapist. That's a union job. That's what union job. That's what you got on the insurance paperwork. That's true, yeah.

You know, we've got- Crane rapist. We've got biggie crane and then we got, you know, churper crane systems. The, yeah, you get right up there in the cockpit. Hey, Lipper. There he is. Hey. Lipper. Hey, Lipper! There he is!

Hey! Lipper! Lipper! That's what he says right when he comes up behind you. Oh, Lipper! And then he reaches around and grabs your whole shit. Starts clapping your fucking cheeks like the Oscar crowd. Loud and quick and not stopping anytime soon.

It's over. And then he dismounts you and shoots you in the head. Pow! My bad, Lipper. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter.

I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. I'm going to sign a letter. Let's go, Dick, Lipperdick, why's that fine town turned back? Yeah, yeah, we gotta get the new guys a new set of high-vis every week

because they're usually covered in lipper stains, we call them, before the end of the week's up. Yeah, it's getting lipperdema. That's where, that's where I come, coagulates into fat on your body. My lippor fluid turns into a fatty mass, quickly debilitating the victim. Hold on a minute. Lippert, I didn't know you were a crime fighter.

Yeah. And then. And then I lay my eggs. I lay my eggs in the mass as a fatty flesh. And that's what creates my babies. My little babies. I call them the beanie babies. The beanie baby is tiny like a bean. That's so sweet, brother.

Oh, Leper. Leper. Leper. Tiny like a bean. That's so sweet, brother. Oh, leper. Leper. Leper. Leper. Yes. I love this song. Me too, man. You about to kick this issue off?

Yeah. I don't know what I'm, I don't, I don't. Me and you. I'm gonna show you what the Lipper Show. Marvel's newest supervillain joining the League of Fuckers. The new money, the new movie, Money. with superhero Timber and evil man Lipper creating horrible fights across the galaxy for a just cause in an unjust mind. Two men, one green one yellow both from planet Zorlox attempting to instigate a life into a planet

created through terraform One man Green Good Timber One man small yellow impish Lipper. In theaters Friday the December 21st.

I love how you described Lipper as evil man and not the normal title of villain, which I believe is the opposite of superhero. Lipper the evil man. Born in blood forged by flame. Two feet tall, yellow. Born in the dirt. Riding around like mole.

Stronger than ox. Swarthier than I don't know probably won't keep that one in probably gonna bleep that one out Probably gonna throw a censorship on that probably will not keep that one in. I believe times have changed. Lipper. He brings evil out. He makes you say, he makes you say things that'll get you fired even from podcasting. The Lipper.

Oh, you got a great new opportunity. What if the Lippers showed up and got you to improv something that would get you Oh my God. A chip. A really good chip. That Tim's the superhero into taking a nasty bite. Barbecue flavor. Hey man, uh, what floor are you going up to?

Oh, I'm going up to the seventh floor. How about you? Me too. Yeah, I'm going up to the seventh floor. I'm here for a job interview, actually. Oh, really? What are you? I think I am too.

Yeah, I'm interviewing for torturer and sucker. What about you? Oh, they must be having two types of interviews. What are you interviewing for? Tortured one and hurted with guy. Oh my god. Wow. Maybe we'll end up working together. Whoa, what the fuck man?

How'd you find it on Indeed? I actually had a friend who used to get tortured here. He got killed, but he really liked it. This is like a wink-wink thing. My brother was the original torturer and sucker. So I have to, it's a family thing, you know what I mean? He got his degree in torture. Yeah, it's good for interviewing and stuff though.

There's so many like Neppo babies in this industry. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, a lot of people like to be the torturer, but I just kind of wanted to like get my hands all twisted up and get spikes driven up into them and then get lashed probably a couple thousand times and my back flayed.

And ultimately, I want to be finished off by slitting my stupid throat. All right, that's great. They cut my tongue out and all that. Yeah, that's great. I love doing all that stuff. Is this going to be your first time torturing and killing? I had an internship when I came out of Yale. I was breaking guys' backs.

Oh, yeah, I bet you were. Yeah. And I don't know why you're looking at me like that in the elevator. I hope actually that you get the job, so I get to flay you and bust your back down. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that would be nice. My back hurts. I mean, I was hoping somebody could hurt at worse. Well, it looks like we're coming up on the floor here.

Well, good luck, man. I hope everything goes well for you. I hope I don't get to see you. I hope you do well for you. I hope I don't get to see you. I hope you do. I'm sick. And then you're getting fucked and raped and tortured by me. And this is planned. It would be a consensual situation.

Yes, sir. I would say, no, this is fine. It's fine. It's fine with me. I would say if it was like, you was like one of those Joe Pesci movies where they're torturing the shit out of somebody, and they've got my thumb in a screw and all this stuff, and they're cutting off my balls, I would say, check, please.

Yeah, I think I'll go ahead and take the check. He's right behind me fucking me, isn't he? Yeah. So this is not the chiropractor I signed up for. This is just humor to lighten the situation. I know I'm captured. I know this sucks. Your shit's arched up and Joe Pesci's fucking you,

and you're like, uh, this check, please. Let me guess. He's right behind me. Let me guess. His dick is hard, and he's right behind me, isn't he? Hey, kid. Let me see what emo cloud rap is. ["Emo Cloud Rap"]

Ooh. OK. I don't hate this. Yeah, I mean, we played it before, but you see this. I think we have, too. I'm trying to go through all the. I think we played every song we have on there right now, but we can upload something next time.

Yeah, we need to get new fresh ones on there. It's been a long time. Anyway, um... Ah! Zaganyas! Zimabazin! Zimbabwe! Uh...

Um... Oh, fuck me. What time is it? It's fucking time to fucking. 720? Jesus Christ. All right. Time flies when you're having fun.

Time flies when you're having fun. I'm pretty sure Hank is pissed everywhere, so I've got to go take him for a walk. Go to the show, please. We have a show on Saturday. Yeah, please buy. Yes. Go to thevelveteroom.com.

Go to May 10th and buy tickets. I guess maybe because the show is late, that some people don't want to fucking come. They're saying, Jake, the show is too late. Why is it so late? Because we're going to do things that we can't do at an 8 o'clock show or a 10 o'clock show. What is that going to be?

I don't want to tell you. It's going to be crazy. It's going to be naughty.. It's gonna be dirty. It's going to be sleigh. It's going to be girl. It's gonna be cunt. It's gonna serve fucking plate. It's gonna eat pussy. So head on over there to thebellyroom.com and get fucking tickets for our Austin show. Mada fang. And please do that. Please come see the show. Please subscribe to patreon.com slash Pendejo time. Get some motherfucking cheese.

I know times is tough, but the gift that keeps on giving, yeah, that's going to be laughter. So $5 a month access to the bonus episodes, $10 a month access to video episodes, plus new treats. New treats and new awesome stuff. Working on, I know I said it's coming. It's taking a little bit longer than expected, because it takes a long time to do it.

But the new Mousy Cheese is just around the corner. And then I've got a bunch of stand-up coming up that I just booked. But I want to wait to announce it. And it's going to be an exciting moment for some of you guys, for some of you Dejos. You're going to go, wow, you're going there? You're going there?

And I'm going to say, yeah, we're going there. We're going there. If you're thinking it's like Australia or something, I got to tell you guys down under, homies, of which I know there are about 30 of you, that would be the most financially irresponsible thing that Thomas and I have ever done. I have exactly three people from Australia

that have asked me, and they live in different parts of Australia. I thought Australia was the size of Rhode Island for some reason. It's really big. I need you guys to make the country smaller, and I need you guys to tell everyone to listen to it. I do wanna go to Australia and take the show there,

but it would cost about $4,000. And I think maybe if we played our cards right, we could make $300. So anyway, yeah. Subscribe to the show. Come to the Austin show. And I love you. Goodbye.

Bye bye.