Pendejo Time - little dribblers

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

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Try the new medicine that hurts so bad. It's indescribable. I don't have the script for this ad read, but it says, the one in my brain says the first medicine to be blue and to hurt families abroad and at home. Actually, I think that's just oxy. I think they invented that one a long time ago. The first, yeah, lithium, the first medicine to make the radio quiet.

Yeah, all this scientists, they're like, So you know how people are coming back from the war and the housewives, they know they're all crazy sometimes, sad sometimes. Yeah, we got this medicine. We don't know how to advertise it. Oh, okay. Does it make you less crazy? No, no, no, not really. Well, does it make you fit and happier?

No, absolutely. No, not at all. What is it? It's lithium. You mean the metal? Yeah. Well, what, how does it help with the bipolar disorder? uh it makes everything um green and gray and uh and it makes you uh basically it turns off all parts of your brain

uh that don't have anything to do with eating sleeping pissing and shitting so you're not miserable but you are something for sure dude they who the i have you ever watched those shows that where they talk they do like it's either a documentary or like a movie where they recreate the oxy salesman like the crisis and uh i was i was watching one and it was like a lady rich lady she dude she did not feel bad at all like she was like classic north dallas mom like high park whatever like uh the fuck-ass bob with the brown umbrae and then the pearl necklace and then the red dress and the fucking cheek filler probably in her 60s classic classic uh uh uh

friend you make in basketball little dribblers his mom and you try to be his friend because you guys get along in practice but then whenever you go over to their house something in your mom's voice told you that you can't be friends with them

you have to leave you need to get out of that house also can I ask you a question were you actually in a little league basketball a league called little dribblers I was in second grade they could have came up with a better name than that i liked you man

um hey little squatters water swimming league it wasn't like that it wasn't like that i wasn't even being perverted man no i know it's just like you know it's funny man i i've i've whenever i tell people this i can tell it's like i think i've talked about it on the podcast before but whenever i tell people this they interact with it like it's a story i came up with for stand-up. Yeah, yeah.

It's something I'm exaggerating to just to try and tell a funny story. And, you know, we have thousands of hours of footage of me attempting to tell some kind of story. And we know my ability to make a structure. This is one of the only real stories I can tell. But whenever I was in second grade, I really, I desperately wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to be athletic so bad. I'm one of the least athletic people in the world. I'm horrendously uncoordinated.

I can only really wheelbarrow well. But in second grade, on my quest to achieve athletic greatness, I joined the Little Drivelers League. I was on the white team. I forget. I, maybe we were the spurs. I don't know, but we wore white jerseys. I was a white little dribbler.

And played the whole season. Did not score. I'm not sure if I got a rebound. I think I got a few assists maybe, but I didn't know that was even a stat. Right, right, right, yeah. No assist was the thing that you could do. I just knew that I wasn't supposed to have the ball, so I'd give it to someone else,

then they would usually score. But I was a little dribbler, and in the last game of the whole season, they throw it to me, and I'm staying kind of almost out of bounds, but kind of behind the basketball goal almost in a really crazy way. In a position that does not exist in the game of basketball. And I throw it over the back.

I somehow throw it over, the back of the backboard and it goes in. Is that out of bounds? Does it count? No, it was, it didn't hit the backboard. Okay. If it hits the very top,

I believe that's out of bounds. Or if it hits the back of the back of the back. But were you out of bounds being behind the backboard? Okay. All right. Okay. A child's, a child can take up a very small space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. Um, and I get this, I couldn't get this shot now if I tried. Mm-hmm.

But it was a two-point shot. got from up around probably six feet from the goal. You know, on probably an eight foot rim. Max eight. Eight's crazy. The whole crowd goes fucking wild. All right. And it was like in a movie.

It was like, have you seen radio? Of course. It was like a radio type moment. And I was a little bit thrown off even as a child by how crazy the crowd went. But I felt like my moment. I did make me feel amazing. But then.

at the we do our huddle or whatever and at the lockout you know it's like on three they say Thomas nice and I remember thinking wait they don't do that when other people score I'm just a part of this team I just score why do they say my name

like yeah it was a cool shot like why are we saying Tom you know are we saying Thomas I've got two points in this game one of the other big kids has eight they thought you were retarded or something yeah dude no straight up later I realized because, like, I couldn't really look anybody in the eye, and I started really bad.

I forgot you were like, you were like... And I remember one time I accidentally slapped a kid's face while trying to play defense. Yeah. Like, I just, like, slapped his face because I was trying to slap the ball. Mm-hmm.

And I didn't even slap him that harder than I cried. Yeah, I am. And everybody was like, oh, my God, this kid has serious, serious problems going on. They thought I was either full-blown... medium functioning autism or the most molested person

ever ever I made Cory Feldman look like he had a cherubic perfect life I love the age I can remember those times

and my life was not really not really worse than anybody else's this is simply I'm just I'm this way for no reason. There's something really beautiful about a, like, because some guys never come to this realization

and they're some of the most annoying guys in the world. It's really a beautiful thing to, like, to realize at like 10 that you're not an athlete. You know what I mean? Like, you're never. It sucks worse than anything. What I was, because I played baseball. My mom put me in baseball,

but it was like community ball. It wasn't like, it was just like this community. community baseball league where you know they would give you uniforms and stuff and it was like 50 bucks for the year or something it was just something for the fucking the trailer park kids to do and

and you know the times that my dad would show up he was way too into it he was one of those drunk dads that was like well gotta fucking call is that blue and blue is just like a 20 year old kid who has to do this or he'll go to jail like this is community service and I remember

I played t-ball I played coach pitch I played machine pitch and then I got all the way up to Pony League so I guess I played from like five to like kid pitch so like actual pitchers and I could always hit really good

but it's because I was I was fat like I was fat as fuck and so I was always like I could not play any other they had me play first base because I just kind of took up the whole run like the whole lane or whatever

but I remember when I I was like, I had the illusions because I was okay at baseball until other kids could pitch. And then I'd never been beaned. It's weird that I went to combat sports pretty much right after this. But like, you never got beaned with the ball if it was with machine pitch or coach or the T-ball. You couldn't get hit by the ball. But I could hit good. And so the other kids just would be mean me.

They would throw the ball at heart as fuck. And it's a 12-year-old. So it's like probably 40, 50 miles. hour and it would just hit me like in my rib or my knee and i just dude i was like fuck this i hate this shit and i realize in that moment i'm not an athlete and it was like all up until that point you know my grandma you're a fat little kid from the south you're like i want to uh you know you know nolan ryan i want i'm gonna be noan ryan and you're and your fucking me mom's like you're gonna be the best known you're gonna be the best pitcher or whatever and they're not even just drunk old lady at your

house, whatever. You're going to be Jeff Bagwell, son, and you're like, yeah. And then you're in fifth grade and you're fat and you can't run the base. Your coach is like, let's see some hustle up on that base. And then you're running like a 1440. Like you're like, it's an impot. It is not. I mean, I was jiggling up and down that, that fucking diamond.

And, and I remember like, yeah, fifth or sixth grade going, okay. yeah, I'm not going to be in the MLB. I'm not going to be a star. I'm going to get into skateboarding, and I'm going to fail at that too. And then I'm going to get into kickboxing, and I'm going to also fail at that. But I'm going to do that one. That one I'll stick with. But I'm not, like, you call it a heartbreaking feeling.

I remember kind of feeling. I hated baseball. It's just me. I remember feeling relieved. I was like, I'm not going to, you know. Because when I went, you know, you get to high school, people play baseball in high school. and football and shit, and they had to be up at like 6 a.m. So, fuck all that.

I ain't doing that. I played JV. Baseball, my sophomore year at high school. Oh, yeah, I remember you telling me about that. Yeah, as a, you know, I was a walk-on. And I had to resign from the team towards the end of the season due to trying to sell bike it into school, which is a strict violation of the baseball team's. Baseball code. Rules.

I broke baseball Bushito law. Did you find out they're all on oxy? All the pros are on like gear. I didn't even think about it being against the rules to my mom was like, I turned in your baseball uniform and I was like, oh damn, all right, well. Yeah. Probably is the consequence of my actions. One of the things that kind of pissed me off.

I got kicked off the UIL spelling team too for that. Oh, really? I was supposed to go to regionals. I went to regionals. All right, man. That's kind of my thing. It was, dude, it was in like a court. It was in the city hall of, uh, Port Texas.

It was a, uh, I spelled follicle wrong and that's how I got out. Piss me the fuck off. You don't want to know how I'm, so I won my sixth grade spelling B, right? Dude, me too. Yeah, yeah. That's how I got yet. Okay. So, I'm just saying we got the same experience.

Oh, man. Tell yours, motherfucker. I want to hear it. Eighth grade, man. I spelled sketch wrong. Oh, damn. I went SC off instinct. Then I went.

Oh, damn, I just said C. But I won my sixth grade spelling B, and then I spelled phylum wrong at the district. No, damn, yeah. File. I had never heard the word phylum in my entire life. Dude. And then I got offstage, and I wept. I, uh...

And then my teacher, who had gone with me, got me a breakfast at a, at a, at a small diner, and I didn't know that they charged for each Dr. Pepper you drank. And so my teacher had to pay $12. for Dr. Pepper that morning. You're getting drunk off the pep out of heartbreak. Yeah. You had eight peps. You're just like, fuck it.

Dude, I remember the person who was overseeing the regional spelling bee at the Harris County or whatever, Harris County ISD or she's whatever the fuck. When I spelled follicle wrong, he goes, that is incorrect. Moving on, Marcus Rodriguez. And the way that he said incorrect, dude, I don't. like turned around and started bawling my mom was there like he could have just been like I'm sorry uh that is not there's only one L and uh and it's F O L so he goes that is incorrect uh moving on dude I was like immediately started crying at like ball I was like the whole way home my mom was

like I think my mom was probably like 28 she was like dude I gotta go work at Sonic a follicle F-O-L I see next time. I didn't do any more spelling bees after that. It is crazy to think about like if I was raising you like like my daily life

but I'm also raising Yes, yeah I think about that all the time. I think I'm 30 I just turned 32 When I was when my mom was 32 I was going to looking at colleges

And I think about like my life right now And like just some teenager being like Hey do you know what fast is? I'd be like Get the fuck Get out of. Here, I got to fucking talk about. Yeah, I think my parents, when they were my age, had three kids.

That's crazy, dude. No, they had two. And, yeah. I think by 30 they had like four. Yeah, no. Nope. You know, which more power to them, but I just, man, I'm really, like, immature. Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's my thesis is, damn, I'm, I don't even do my taxes. It's just me. I think about, like, when my mom was 28, I was 13, 12 or 13, and I just started getting drunk on the weekends. And I think about, like, being a 28-year-old girl. Like, I know some of Ashley's friends are around 27, 20s.

28 and you're like you're that age and you have a 13 year old kid that's like smoking weed and like drinking beers in the ditch and like trying to kickflip he's like listening to metallica and just basically already decided to throw his life away and and you have to be like don't do that but also like you smoke weed like my mom smoked weed like you go and play slot machine like how do the fuck I don't know how the fuck my I remember one time uh it was we were at dinner and uh I had my phone out at the table, and it was my dad, his sister's and my aunt, my grandma, and then my aunt's daughter and my cousin, and my aunt, who's this very prim and proper North Texas, kind of the lady we were talking about, very like, no elbows on the table.

And she was one of those, she practiced, like, fork on the left type shit. Like, she was very serious about that. And her daughter had her phone out, and she was like, Caitlin, no phones at the table. I was like 15 And my dad I had my phone out And my dad was like Hey man

You gotta put that phone away He tried it But it was it Dude it wasn't even in his voice His Like I don't know how to do You know Everybody knows my dad

In the show He was like Hey son You gotta put the He's drunk He goes you gotta put the You gotta put the phone You wanna put the phone

And I was like Nah I'm not listening to you Like at all And he was like I said no problem Like Because my aunt was like Caitlin

we've talked about this. No phones at the table. It is incredibly disrespectful. My dad's like, yeah, could you, uh, uh, he always was trying to show off in front of his sister because his sister was like successful, like, you know, got it out the mud, whatever. And so he was like, hey, could you, uh,

he's got like three empty Long Islands in front of him? He said, could you put, uh, he put your phone, you put your phone away for him? Just, I was like, nah, no, fuck you, man. He was like, all right. That's, I mean, I gave it a, and my aunt was like, my dad was like, just don't, just leave the boy.

He ain't going to fucking. To be honest, I don't know. Hey, you know what? Fuck it. We're at the Casa. I'm drunk shit. Whatever, you know. What, do you graduate in high school or something?

Something's going on? All right. He, uh, every now and then, when he caught me smoking, when he caught me smoking cigarettes, he was like, how long he'd been smoking for? And I was like, uh, probably six years. He was like, six years? You're 17. I was like, yeah, I started smoking when I was like 11 or 12.

He's like, that's no good, man, you can't be doing that. And I was like, you gave me a cigarette. You gave me my first one. And he was like, oh, yeah. Like he tried. He was like, you can't, hey man, because I started smoking when I was your age. And now look at me. And I was like, you gave me my first cigarette and on my first beer when I was nine.

And he was like, yeah, yeah, I got to, man, I got to quit doing shit like that. Fuck. I got to. He would try to parent. Like, he would have these moments where, like, he'd have, like, a moment of clarity where I, maybe I'd mouth off my mom or something. He'd be, hey, man, you can't talk to your mama like yet. And I was like, you were at this, you just got home from the titty bar. And he'd be like, man, come on, man.

You can't be, you know, I'm like, dude, you've been gone five days. You got paid on Thursday. It's Sunday. He'd be like, yeah, just, you know, don't yell at your mama, man. You know, she got a lot going on. I'm like, you? Like, you can't. Hell no.

I do feel bad about yelling at my mom, but I ain't going to catch, I'm not going to catch flat, no flag from you. You just got back from Moment's strip club in South Houston because Bridget the Midget was in town. Dude, part of me, part of me wishes I would have caught the midge. Damn. She was a strip club in South Houston and they would advertise. She was like, do you remember like Ron Jeremy era porn when you come to find out it was basically all illegal and terrible? I mean, it still is, but even more, it was way worse back then. They, she was like a...

They get to have, like, driver's licenses and stuff now. People who do porn now, like, they get to have cell phones and stuff. Yeah, that's true. That's true, yeah. She was like a little person who was in pornos, and she would come strip at the strip club by my old house. My dad would be like, I'm going to drop you off with your mom's.

Me and Georgia are going to Moments. Bridget the midgets performing, and you know I can't miss it. I'd be like, all right. Sounds good. My Pasadena boys are know what I'm talking about. Shout out. Oh, I was going to say the fucking, the lady that was the oxy sale, I was watching the documentary, and the interviewer was like, do you feel any guilt?

She was like, nope, not at all. It helped people with their pain. And I kind of like, I feel like more than any other part of Texas, North Texas, a certain type of like, girl boss is the wrong word, but you know what I'm talking about? Like all the cunning and sociopathy of like a, of like a male used car salesman,

there are women up, like in Dallas that are like that. You know what I mean? Like just evil, they're evil. They're very successful, and they always have, like, they wear suit coats when it's like August.

It's like 105. It's like, yeah, it's your friend's mom and you go over to the house and the dad's this, like, defeated punchbell. skinny armed guy and he's like you boys can go play

at the pool table and you go you got a pool table and you go up there and the mom's sitting on the pool table drunk she's just got a suit in on in the house and you're like first of all that was when I realized that there are other types of classes and I was not in that class second of all I didn't know moms could wear jewelry and have like stuff you know what I mean like you meet a mom that's like a like a like a because I know your family like you know you

but you meet like a bitchy rich mom like the mean girl's mom yeah the one that she's like you want to see grooms and you're like I'm only allowed to drink with my dad I don't want to drink with you you fucking old weird lady like one of my buddy's moms was like that dude

she's like you want when you want a glass of wine and I'd be like no no no no Ms. Mitchell no I'm good and then I would go tell my dad and he'd be like you should have got drunk with her see what happens literally he's like hey sometimes, you know, but you never know what can happen.

You know, world's a crazy place. I only ever really drank with people's parents in a barn setting, which is not really conducive to, you know, that sort of thing. Rural is different. I never really had a high club. Well, I've definitely drank at rich people's houses, which is a beautiful experience. It's so awesome. When you get drunk and you see wealth.

Chandelier. You're like, a ruff. A Persian rug. There's just a rug in general. A real table that's made from real carved wood. A wood table? Yeah. That's not like a fucking wayfair table.

Yeah. You're like, what? A bathroom with one of those sinks where it's a bowl. Yeah, yeah. Or the double sink with the hot tub bathtub and you go, fuck. Wait a minute. I don't know.

I don't know this. I don't know this. You could do this type of shit. Dude, I think I've taught... In New Texas, whenever I was growing up, it was, oh my God, there's so many taxidermid animals and weird animal horns in here. These people must be so rich. This couch has so much cow...

Spot. Hair on it. My uncle's friend was, like, redneck rich, and he had the couch that, like, it wasn't cured leather. It was just cow skin. You know what I mean? Like, it had the spots that... like a cow has or whatever the fuck.

It was just like a cow skin, you know, leather with the first. And it's like, you know, whatever. And I was like, I remember thinking, what the fuck? I know I've talked about it on here before. But because my parents let me get fucked up whenever I wanted to pretty much after like seventh grade. I never had, I never learned how to be straight. Like, I never learned how to act. Tell more.

Do tell. Elaborate. No, I never like, dude, like, I never learned all my, like, every other friend of mine, if we, if we smoked weed, we got drunk, we popped pills. If we went back to their place to play Halo or something, we had to have the in the car meeting, in the hot box meeting, which is like, all right, hey, like, all right, okay, like, everybody tight the fuck up. We're going into Blake's house. You know Blake's mom's not chill with this stuff. Like, he got in trouble like six months ago, so, like, we all just got to be chilled. And then, like, everybody would have to lock in on me, though.

because I never had to learn at all. If I walked into my house like, oh! It was, my dad was like, my mom was like, it didn't matter. That's translated into like now. We're like, dude, when I go to company retreats, I don't know how to fucking,

people will have like three cocktails and they're like, ha ha, ha, it's just at the happy hour. And I'm like, dude, I was reading the fucking news. And I think we got to start stockpiling 22, 22 rounds because you can carry a lot of them more. Everybody says 45 ACP. That's heavy. You can't carry that many.

You got to go 22 LR with a rifle with a good scope on it. You could shoot somebody in the head with 200 yards. That's all you need. And it can kill small animals. Like I never ever learned how to act normal because I never had to. I would be at my friend's places and they would be like, go to my friend Blake's place, for example. And we would go straight upstairs. He'd be like, just go upstairs.

Don't even say it. My dad, don't say it. Nothing. we go upstairs and play halo we'll chill we'll order some pizza it'll be chill and we were walking to the living room and uh they would all go upstairs and then like

his mom would be like hey Jacob how are you and I'd be like I'm awesome how are you guys what's up buddy guys you guys you got what you guys watching just loud as just loud as fuck like just immediately and the dad immediately goes

like an old southern church dad immediately knows what's up we're all fucked up that's why I just like like everybody we just started partying in my house because you could come into my house and throw up on the floor and my dad would be like yeah nice anyway I wish I could like I never it's a skill that I feel like you should learn at a young age is like how to tighten up I can't I'd never learn to this day I just I can't okay this is um this is you just smoked weed with the menendez

brothers and you're sneaking into their house all right ready yeah okay okay okay guys just just lock in real quick, okay? We're just going to go in, go upstairs, and my dad's going to be in the bathtub, and we're all going to suck his dick, and then he's probably just going to fuck me while you guys watch. No, no, even better the night of the murder.

It's like, you're like in the Mercedes with him, and you're like, okay, we're just, okay, we're just going to go inside. My dad and my mom, I know it's 8 p.m. on Thursday. They're going to be in the den. They're going to be watching Mattlock. Okay. All we're going to do is we're going to go in there,

we're going to blow their fucking heads off and shoot in the chest with guns. Okay. I'm going to shoot them in slow motion and blow up their stomachs and chests and heads. But don't act weird, okay? They'll get mad. They'll get really bad.

And then beer both going to go to prison. You guys do whatever you want. Hey, guys, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. Hey, dude, I know we got real high. If we go in there and they know we're high, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to blow my dad's head off. It's going to be too awkward.

I'm still laughing about what you said earlier. Like, it was such a, having the, I think I, I actually think I got spidey sense, but not for getting molested because, dude, I've been, like, I'll have like a sleepover at a buddy's place or like, you know, you go to your friend's friend's place and his dad's or whatever's, he lives with his uncle or something. And it's like 10 p.m. and y'all are eating pizza and like playing call of duty or whatever. And there's just a voice in your head. The uncle's been hanging out upstairs a little too long. And there's a voice in your head that says, call, you. your mom call your mom and get leave and you're like no like i don't know what this voice is i'm playing halo i'm having a good time i'm meeting dominoes and the voice is like you need to you you must leave i've had so many like and i never was confirmed if anybody was molested in that house but i have had those like childhood intuition like something that will alter the trajectory of your life forever is going to happen if you do not tell your mom to pick you up right now

Those are fun. I think it was just growing up, just being in a trailer park. Not a very safe. Yeah, I think that was probably. Probably a lot to do with it was the trailer park. Oh, man. Often, you know, I don't want to people call people who live in a trailer park criminals, but it's hard to have a trailer park and not have crime.

At least one nefarious character. Yeah. Yeah. I've worked in a trailer park only maybe once or twice. And I've never not had something bizarre happen while I was there. Truly bizarre people there, especially old people in trailer parks. Yeah.

Turn into fucking, I don't know what they get up to when they move into the trailer. But they become weird and often rat-like. And I had, I made a, the trailer park was like it was all it wasn't just like a white you know there was like whole many races and uh i i made friends with this black kid who lived on the other side of him i would ride my bike this is like training wheels there i'd ride my bike over to his house and we would play uh you know he just i play with chalk and uh he's my friend and uh his dad's i never

lose dad's real name uh but he went by chip like uh he was just like an old man mechanic black dad whatever and like I miss you know I'd say hi miss Chip he's like just call me Chip hey Jacob how you doing no how's your family in him and I whatever old southern black guy uh that friendship was ruined because um we were at my place and my dad was home for like I he was I think he needed money or something so he like swung by and uh the kid was there and my dad was like hey what y'all doing we were playing with chalk in the front yard and uh I was like playing with chalk, dad, or whatever. And he goes, you're that boy what lives over on Eagle Run?

And the kid goes, yeah. He goes, what's your daddy's name again? He works on the trucks. And then my kid goes, oh, we just call him Chip. But his real name is, I forget. My dad goes, chocolate chip. And then the kid fucking, like, just made a weird face. And then we kept playing with chalk.

And then I never played with that kid again, ever. And I never put two and two together until, like, maybe, I don't know, fifth or sixth grade when I saw him in junior high. And I was like, hey, what's up, man? He was like, hey. And I was like, hey, you know, did you guys move? And he's like, no, I was still live with the trailer park. And then I, like, had it in my head.

I was like, no, the kid probably told his dad that your dad called him chocolate chip as a racial thing. And then said, you're not allowed to play with that white family anymore. You're not allowed to draw chalk with that racist white family anymore. You know, good. Sorry. Sorry for your experience Or whatever the fuck That was awesome

I love dude honestly Could have been way worse in terms of Oh yeah It could have been way worse With my dad Yeah yeah yeah The pool was always green We swam in it anyway

It was like a deep green People pissed in there a lot It was cool Pecan Plantation That's the name of the trailer park by the way It still exists And It never struck to me how

It's a rough one Yeah Yeah, it never struck me how good of a name that was for a trailer pork until I was like To imagine being a slave in their synony you have to gather pecan's it's got to be a pretty cushy gig You're in the shade all day Oh master's gonna make a pie I remember um You'd probably get a nice little wicker basket

You know that is not really pushing you as hard production you as hard production wise. I like to imagine they were coming up with the name for the trailer park and they were like Peach Plantation, no, that's, they had those, those were real. Obviously, you can't. The problem was their hands were too big and they crushed them. They were like, what kind of plantation did they not have that we can name this trailer park?

I guess pecans aren't really something you, it's not, not really a backbreaking laborer to get, I guess we'll go with that. Fruit Roll up plantation. Shit. Skiddle Village. I would love to live in Skiddle Village. I'll tell you that. Dr. Pepper Acres.

Hey, hey, where'd you grow up? Like, just trying to, like, call somebody out in their hoods. Like, hey, yeah. What'd you grow up? Skiddle Village, Southside. Yeah. Skiddle Village is this motherfucker.

Oh, oh, you from Second Ward? Yeah. I heard it's kind of, I heard it's kind of soft. Skiddle Village Yeah You know I grew up in Raising Brand Terrace

It's just like Hanging out with 21 Savage And he's like Yeah zone 6 wasn't sweet But I knew a dude I knew a dude that grew up Coco Puffs Lane Yeah he

He was hard Yeah I'm a proud Texan I grew up in Raising Cain's Texas And I was at Waterburger Estates They are gonna change The name of comfort

to Constitution City which is really just sucks ass the locals that comfort Texas don't want it but a bunch of tech guys have moved out there

bought up a bunch of land and they're gonna change I'm gonna change the name to sexual pleasure right next to it closer to comfort than constitution is

Constitution City well they're all like free they're gonna make it a free city I don't know what that means to these guys right that's why they named it after rules. Yeah.

Yeah, the famous big-ass document. Yeah, recess city. It's going to be governed by teachers. I also like, whenever these tech guys, like, you know what they want to do out there. They want to fucking have to. It's like something Stephen Crowder would say. Yeah, recess. Yeah.

Yeah, let's make a recess city where the teachers are the, the mayor. The mayor. Where teachers is the mayor. The mayor. Speaking of the mayor If you are a government official You want to listen up And if you're not a government official

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I remember telling all the neighborhoods, every neighborhood that is the same thing. It's like, you know, Terrace Acres or whatever, you know. There's a little buckle. Yeah. But all these tech guys, I'm like, they want their own cities.

They're libertarian, like Robert Nozik, Anarchy State and Utopia, fucking suck. Like little, like they want them, but they don't understand. You don't need to take over a town. You can just go to the panhandle and build a ranch out there. Or like Santo.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Southwest, Texas. You can go out there and you can do whatever you want. You don't need to make a town called like Liberty, like Liberty Village. You don't have to do that. Freedom Town.

You don't. Texas is actually still in the 21st century with fucking drones and FaceTime. Like it is still the Wild West and parts of it. Parts of the Panhandle, parts of Southwest Texas. Hell, even parts of near Corpus. You can do whatever the fuck you want in Corpus Christi. You can do whatever you want in Lubbock. I don't know how.

Do you remember way back we were doing a video episode and we were talking about like Austin's not weird? Denton's not weird. You know what's weird? San Saba and Lubbock. Like, those are the cities that are actually strange. Like you don't. And so all these tech guys that are moving to Texas that,

want to live away from Kami-Forna and they want to, I know what it is. They want to have ranches where they can do molesting and they can stay away from other people in molest and peace. You can just do that. Do you know how many people just do that in the Panhandle already? They're Mormons or they're like weird Church of Christ cultists. Like they just do that in the big cities too. That's true.

Yeah, that's true. One of the big things people do get into actually is sex trafficking. Sex trafficking, yeah. Dude, there's got to be traffic for there to be sex traffic, you know what I mean. I remember they put out a, do y'all got a road, do you all have you like the Dallas, is it the DFW rodeo or just a, they both have their own rodeo? There's individual rodeos too. Oh, okay.

Going to the Weatherford rodeo, but there's one in Fort Worth, too. I went to the Pasadena. I don't know if there's one in Dallas because I'm, frankly, wouldn't go all the way out there for a rodeo. I would go to the Pasadena one and the Houston one, and I remember the schools were saying, when I was in high school, there was like a PSA that the Houston rodeo is one of the number one places for sex trafficking

in the country. So you always be careful, you know, obviously don't talk to strangers, but I got it in my mind. Like, talk to strangers. How do you get... Become over 200 pounds? Yeah, well, that, but like, how do you get sex trafficked at the rodeo?

Like, I'm not, I'm sorry, I'm trying to make... Probably just, drugs in people's drinks or whatever or something like that but realistically if you are going to get sex trafficked it's probably going to be by your abusive boyfriend or something

yeah it's always somebody you know I guess they got horse traitors it's just people I you know I get their trust and then I'll do that you shouldn't do stuff like that man I shouldn't but it's a thrill

the thrill of the chase honestly I just get a big adrenaline rush from it It makes me feel like I'm in control of my own life. Like Alex Honold, the free solo guy, but just like, yeah. So, you know, I know it's dangerous. It is dangerous. But, you know, I take precautions. And, you know, I always make sure to not show my face.

And, you know, a lot of people, they ask, oh, it's, you know, aren't you afraid? No, no. I mean, I am. But, you know, you, you befriend somebody. And then they're pretty easy to traffic. At that point, they're just going across state lines with you, you know. It's not, I mean, the law has a different name for it. but for me it's a road trip and it's really all it is.

Yeah, to me it's just sex trafficking. It's just, you know, it's pretty simple. It's what I like to do. And I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I've actually trafficked a lot of, a lot of people you wouldn't expect. Actually, a lot of people from underprivileged communities and people who are vulnerable.

And, yeah, I've kind of forced them into a lifestyle that they didn't sign up for. And I've actually made a lot of money. money doing it. I bought things like a Chrysler 300. And a couple of nice puffer coats. Being a mid-tier pimp and doing the most depraved shit. I go to Dave and Busters pretty often and for multiple reasons.

Actually, sex traffic people at Dave and Busters a lot and I'll get them stuff out of the claw machine and just kind of how. things start. The, um, being, being a mid-tier pimp and doing the most depraved shit a human can do to make like $45,000 a year. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, that was the thing in Fort Worth is I'd be on Lancaster somewhere and I'd see. Yeah.

A couple of girls step out of a Chrysler 300. Uh-huh. Yeah. Ma'am. Hey. Yeah, get a guy with a, with a car brand that's going to be around in a few years. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, try. It doesn't have to. be a, doesn't have to be a Rolls-Royce, doesn't have to be a Bentley, but it does have to be a car that they still make. Yeah, please don't get trafficked out of a cavalier. Don't get, don't get trafficked in a car that they don't make parts for anymore. Caprice? Yeah.

I remember, I remember, Houston's where is Bissinette. And then, yeah, when we would go down there to buy weed or whatever the fuck, you'd see girls, yeah, you'd see girls getting out of, uh, not one of the, not one of the, nice Lexuses, like a glorified Toyota. You know what I mean? Like the old, and there's not even the cool box, the box bodies, just, you know. And you're like, obviously you feel. Yeah, you feel bad for the girl, but then you're like, bro, you're doing evil-ass stuff. It's like hitmen, like real hitmen.

They get paid like, like, oh, my. I remember when I was, I read this book, I forget what it was called, but it was like, like enforcers for the Genovesi crime family. and they were like yeah you know you know yeah we still got guys it was written in like the mid-2000s they're still active yeah we know we got guys they'll hurt you or hurt you real bad

$200 and I was like the kind of guy to torture to torture somebody like because as a kid you watch the movies and the video games you John Wick and you're like oh I'm getting a million dollar contract to like shoot or like break this guy's legs and then like all the books you read about

like actual mob enforcers are like gang like shooters it's like yeah you know yeah they call them mike uh yeah yeah mickey the bullet yeah you can you can pay him 25 dollars and he'd kill you a whole family kill the whole family it's like bro 100 bucks like you're gonna commit you're gonna commit you're gonna commit four soul-wrenching murders for like a tank of gas and like a pizza like what are like come on dude like i guess in my mind it's one of those things you charge more for i suppose yeah we're like you would have to pay a certain amount for somebody good to do it Yeah.

Yeah. Like somebody's going to make it look like not a brutal. But also like you watch movies and stuff and you forget how easy to ambush almost any regular person. Yeah. You get like in a movie you see somebody just get into their car and turn it on and then they blow up and you're like, yeah, I would never do that. It's like, well, you wouldn't get it. You wouldn't just get in your car and turn it on. Yeah.

Yeah. I would like guys walk into their house. I would always check under. the backseat to make sure there wasn't a 5-4 guy with a piano wire back there. Yeah. Yeah, I would never ride in front of somebody in a car. That literally happened to me when I got mugged and those guys jumped me. And I was like, later on I was having like thoughts about like,

I should have just ran or something. And then one of the thoughts was like, yeah, man, you should have been in that parking garage. But it's like my car was there. So it's like, like, I had to walk into the parking garage. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't going to walk back to fucking, I was going to walk 30 miles home. Like, in my mind, I was like, you shouldn't have, shouldn't have walked into that parking garage, bro. Like, you know, that could have been the end of you.

I also got mad that they beat me up. I think I told you this. I've definitely talked about this before. But I remember when I was, the EMTs were checking on me and I was, like, laying on the concrete. And I was still drunk and I was still coked up. And I was mad that I didn't. John Wick all of them. Like I was mad I didn't beat all them up.

And I think I verbalized that to the EMT in some way. He was like, well, I mean, they were six guys. He was, he was being funny. He was like trying to joke with me because I was like freaking out. But I was like, man, I'm just mad they got away. And he was like, well, like, I mean, he wasn't trying to be me. And he was like, come on, bro. Like, I was wearing skinny jeans and Doc Martins.

Like, I had like a Ramon shirt on. Like, I was not clear. I had no cauliflower ear. was not an operator. I did not give off operator vibes. I definitely gave off 23-year-old open-mic cocaine addict vibes. Like, I was like, dude, I could have, maybe I could have roundhouse kicked one of them.

And then the guy's just like, no. Six guys, even on like a train killer is like, that's a lot. Like, you're going to, it's surprising they didn't stab you or shoot you. And then I was like, oh, yeah, that's true. That's, dude, if I would have gotten killed by, like, a bunch of Mexican teenagers, like, in fucking one, there was, like, one older guy with them. I think they're all like 18. That would have pissed me the fuck off.

I guess it wouldn't have been mad. I'd have been dead, but, yeah, that beat me up pretty good. Yeah, I would never be in that position. I know. You would have done, do you remember? I still, I was just telling the story, actually, at the All Things Comedy thing, I was talking to some other comedian there. And when we were doing Chapo and me and you were trying to do sidekicks backstage

and both of us popped our hips. Like both of us, we were just doing front leg sidekicks trying to hype each other up. And I heard both of our hips. hips popped loudly at the same time. We were like, oh, okay. All right. I can't be doing that. I thought it was good.

Yeah. Yeah. We're like, and it's all up from here too. Right now it's a thousand people. Next show. Who knows? 5,000 people maybe? 45.

Next show, next show 20 people. I'm like, yeah, Chapo probably, Chapo probably sold. Yeah, at least 80% of these tickets. I remember at Houston there was like seven people there for me and I was like Yeah Yeah so yeah they probably broke even with How much they pay with having us on

Yeah Dude I love those guys I remember I remember you and me sitting in your house Just not just being like how much you think we should get paid for this like $20, $50 just going back and forth being like okay 80 bucks. Eden had to talk some sense into us for that. Like,

because I legitimately, dude, I think you and me decided on like, yeah, 150 flats's good. She was like, what? You guys are going to be off work

for like a week and a half. They pay for hotels and shit. Oh, that was funny as fuck. Dude, when you and, when you and fucking, uh,

when you and Alex showed up to the Houston hotel late, and dude, I was, uh, it was a trucker motel like literally 50. minutes from where I grew up and I was drinking a six-pack of a lone star tall boys in the fridge didn't work and It was in the it was dark in there too because the light bulb was going out. It was like flickering and I was sitting in this hotel like Literally like if I got in my car and took three exits I would be at my grandma's place where like my family was living at the time

It's like I'm drinking alone at a hotel that's less than half an hour from my house like This is something if there were any other situation Thomas I would be shooting myself in here but I'm I'm actually doing like a big show. You're doing yourself for having an affair. Yeah. With a gay guy with a guy. Like I'm fucking a guy. Like that.

Hey, we're going to get a hotel 15 minutes from my place. Don't tell anybody. Yeah, I thought that was funny. Oh, man. I hope those guys, I want to, I need to, they need to, we need to do another show with them. And never mind. I was going to say something, but it's not anybody's business. Anyway.

Fucking, what was I going to say. Oh, did you see the, were you watching the Oscars? Did you watch Senators? No, I, man, I really meant to, and I just didn't, wow. Oh, fuck, is this still in theaters? Yes, it sucks. You can watch the Amazon, it's ass. Oh, man, I really wanted to.

It looked good, man. It sucks so bad, dude. Oh, man, with the dancing and the, oh, Michael B. Jordan and he's two characters? I love it when he's one, too, so. Oh man What a good actor, man There's a There's a scene in the movie

Where one of the twins Is talking to the young buck in the movie And he's like Now whenever you get with a girl You got when you And whenever you go down She got a button She got a button

Right above her Her spot Press that button And boy she won't leave you alone And I just thought It was like a throwaway line deep south you know bootleger talking to a child

type deal like a dirty old man or a dirty man saying a dirty thing to a kid you know how it was back then later on in the movie like Chekhov's pussy or something the kid gets with a girl and

and he takes her to the back room of the fucking juke joint and he goes they're making out and she's she's like trying to go and take off his pants and he goes wait a minute I want to try something

and he does the pussy eating move from like an hour previously in the movie and like you know the girl's like and like go you know whatever and then there's like blues music playing and there's like all this shit

I was like and then it won all these awards and all this crazy stuff people were talking about it's like a generation movie I was like you mean the movie with the pussy eating

technique scene where he makes a point to like almost look at the camera and go wait a minute I'm gonna try the secret pussy eating technique that my mobster cousin taught me in the middle of this fucking

goddamn hoot-in'any. I was like, how the fuck come? It ruined the whole. I mean, there are other reasons the movie sucked my nuts. But it ruined the whole. I was like, why is pussy eating that important to the fucking plot of this movie? This movie's about like how music transcends culture

and like, you know, racial fucking segregation of violence and history. Hold on. I just remember. I got some grape candy in my pocket. Like it felt so Like cartoonishly like Yeah yeah

Hold on Hold on I just remember But I got grape soda I wanted to drink Like it was so fucking stupid Dude Anyway

Yeah I don't I don't know People are like Sometimes a movie comes out And it feels like You have to like the movie People did that

With everything everywhere All at once Where it was like You have to like This movie About a Chinese mom Who's mean through a Chinese daughter.

And I was like, hey, man, if you're Asian and you have a family dynamic like that, that's awesome. This movie was dumb to me. I totally understand where you're coming from, though, because if you show me any movie, like, Warrior or like Iron Claw or like Honeyboy, I'm going to fucking, that's me. You know what I mean? Like, you show me a white dad who fucking throws shit. I'm going to be like, that's my fucking, that's my everything everywhere all the ones. But you don't see me going around to people being like, you have to like this movie. Or you're doing anti-white racism if you don't like Ironclaw.

You're doing fucking anti-Irish racism if you don't like Warrior. Well, my favorite take on Sinners was from one of my coworkers who believe there was actually witchcraft designed to take the souls of black people. Was he Hotep? Is this the Hotep guy? Yep. Yeah. It's so sick, dude. I loved it.

Whenever you meet a Hotep guy in real life, it is kind of jarring. Like, there's one that trains at the gym that I train at. And sometimes we'll be bullshit. And then every now and then he's like, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been reading about, you know, like, Chi and like, you know, oh, dude, I didn't tell you. This was like, this was like three or, I don't know, a few months ago. It was in the winter. We were, like, unwrapping our hands.

It was like a sparring day. We just got done sparring. and we were bullshit and uh and uh he was like uh he had a fight coming up and he was like yeah I'm uh I'm practicing retention

and I was like oh uh like water retention like like you know like he's like no no no I'm not fucking I'm not coming nothing nothing I'm keeping my keep my energy and I was like oh and you know how like if a I don't want to talk about come with any guy even my friends so when anything like that like if come comes up you go Oh, cool, man. Like, I don't know you, so I'm going to put my stuff in my duffel bag and get ready to go. I tried to use my body language and the tone of my voice to indicate I don't want to talk about your black guys come with you.

And he was like, have you ever tried it? Man, it makes you crazy, like, you get crazy great gains in the gym. And like, bro, when I come in here, I'm ready to kill every day. I mean, I spar ten times better than I, and I fight better. And I was like, oh, that's cool. And he's like, yeah, you ever try it? And I was like, no, no, no, never. No.

But I didn't know how to tell him coming is not a thing for me that's special or good. It's just pure utility. Like, it's not good or bad. Like, it's just, I'm, it's like blowing your nose. You know what I mean? Like, it's not, I don't see it as bad or, like, you should jack off a ton. Like, I don't have any position on coming or holding onto your comb. But he was like, not, dude.

When I'm done with you, you will. I want to change your penis politics. penis politics with thomas why the hell a guy vane in it they're supposed to be blood down there or something what the hell's got vein is it an arm a bicell what is it a muscle

a bone black community who's never looked at his own dick why the hell my dick got skin on it what's this thing between my legs what got a vein and a hole on it big black, vainy thing between my legs. Is this a black dick?

Wait. Y'all, is this my big black? Wait, hold on. Somebody from the audience. That's what Michael Richards said at the Comedy at the Life Factory. Wait. Do I loki have a big-ass black dick? Y'all, I'm tripping.

Tripping over this big black dick I got twin my Jewish legs. I can't. I'm sure to think of like a Cat Williams opening. I'm a opener. I can't get an opener for like Patrice. It's like, I got a question of y'all in the audience. Y'all, y'all know what this is? He's just pulling this dick.

I ain't never, I ain't never, I have no, I woke up, I found this fucking thing. I don't know what they do. I don't know what the hell is supposed to be doing. Everything come out of saying either yellow or white. Any of y'all have any other colors that have come out of there? Because I ain't never seen another, but yellow or white. That's it Sometimes clear

Yellow is a relief And white is a crazy joy White White White is crazy Is one of the most sensational I feel amazing when I release white From this thing Feels like an orgasm

Is that what y'all be calling Patrice dabbing his head With the towel I have a crazy experience With I produce white Dabbing his dick off with the towel Yeah Yeah

Having a little bit of yellow Come out He's just peeing into the town Yeah A little bit of yellow I'm sorry boys Oh man Fuck

Don't know whether you're supposed To hold this Or just let it all come out When you feel I just let it on the floor I don't know what the hell I'm supposed I saw a guy grab it

Like pee I have to do it sometimes Fuck Yeah that would be crazy That's nothing Anybody should ever say or do I never think about doing May not

I uh how was that that's not important I remember getting very scared first of my jacked off I was terrified I was like I'm going to hell fuck

it's like I'm going to hell I think I was talking I think it was Ben I was talking about it yeah it was Ben because he threw his he threw his iPad touch into the river after he jacked off to a bikini

babe screen saver but uh I remember talking to him about it. He's like, yeah, immediately when I was done, I was like, well, that's it. I betrayed God. And I betrayed my family.

He watched me do that. So, yeah, I'm going to go to hell. Maybe that's, I can't speak for you. Some of my friends would, like, like, make fun. Not make fun me for it, but, like, ask, but like, I never really like to talk. This is not even like a white night. shit, whatever, like, I'm better.

I never liked to talk sick, pussy never was, like, with the boy locker room. I never liked that shit. And I think it was like, it wasn't even like a moral thing for me. Like, oh, my girlfriend wouldn't like that. It was like, when I was younger, I was like very, like, I felt like talking about it. Even though I didn't believe in God, I was like, I'm going to go to hell. Like, it's still like, I've told you before, like, I don't believe in God, but I do think about going to hell like at least once a month. And I remember when I was like younger, like in college people would be like, oh, what, you know, you go over to so-and-so's place, you all hook up.

I was like, no, we just, we just, we just, yeah, because in my head, I was like, you talking about sex is forbidden. You can't talk about butt. Titties. It just made me feel weird. To this day, it's so it makes me, I'm just like, I don't, uh, whatever.

I remember I used to hang out with girls so long without anything happening that people wouldn't believe me sometimes. I would just genuinely be like, no, man, like, I just keep taking her out to eat. And then, like, we just, I would honestly share. a lot of meals together, but no touch. I was so bad at picking up on cues in college and high school, dude.

I didn't, I did Russ. Girls don't like it when you hang out with them for a long time and do not make a move. Yeah. I didn't pick up on that at all for about 10 years. Yeah, I remember. I learned that years into a long-term relationship. I had to have it explained to me like I was an idiot.

It was an old friend of mine, she was like, yeah, we're scared of you guys. So if we hang out with you more than one time, it's usually like we want to hang out with you thing. Like we like you. And I was like, oh, I just, fuck, I figured, you know, raising cane. I didn't pick up on that at all. Not me, me either. I was like, I was like, oh, you want to watch. I thought women just love sharing amazing meals with me and going home, which I like to.

Me too. Yeah. Dude, some of the best times I've had have been like. Maybe women think I'm really hard to get. I've been on dates. I'll say beautiful women had amazing meals, gone home,

nothing. Been happy, honestly. Didn't even Jack Oz went to sleep. Nope. Develop an amazing friendship. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Who cares? Yeah, who gives a fuck, yeah. I think more of, I mean, I think more young men

should find the utility and having a meal with a lady. Yeah, yeah. Have a meal with a lady. You don't have to go over there and,

and, and, and spake it around on her, whatever. You can just go get Middle Eastern food or something like that. And then go home and read a book. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Don't even talk to her again.

Just spend $100 on a nice dinner with a lady. And then check her Instagram later. She's married. Maybe someone else. By later you mean seven years later. Seven years later, yeah. You're like, oh, okay. I have gotten to a point now where I do unfollow people for being,

somebody whose life I no longer am interested in I can hang on for a long time and hearing a detail every once in a while of somebody's life but I've seen updates from people

and been like I straight up I don't care and I've unfollowed yeah me too you are removed from the most tertiary plane of existence

in my life I have people that like you I don't care that you got a master's degree it's over there are people that I follow that they'll post once a year and I'm like

dude I should have thought you were dead or like or like went on a sabbatical or something they'll be like I'm my third kid and I'm like unfollowed we had sixth grade math together and we used to fucking watch UFC at your dad's place while he fucking yelled the N-word at an old fox body Mustang in his garage because he couldn't get the fucking engine to run but yeah I don't care that you're on your third kid

also I know guys who have families who they were losers when we were friends and then before when I would come back home from college we would go to this place that's now burned down called Molly's Pub and they were losers then and maybe they'd have like their their baby mama would be on first kid pregnant with first kid one they were losers then

and then I would you know you hear rumors and stuff and I go you know a years goes by that I come to Molly's that they're on kid too and he's still a loser and then they're posted on Facebook like the most perfect husband in the world just took me and our three kiddos to Disney World and I'm like, that guy has pictures, I don't know about

now, but I know that as recently as 2019, that guy had a lot of pictures of other girls' butts on his phone, and he would get a lot of shots, and he would try to show you them on his phone. So if you don't know that he's doing that, then I don't know. Maybe you're buying out the guys take fucking creep shots

was such a crazy... I don't, is that real? The people... I mean, I know it's real. Guys fucking do that. They'll, like, see a girl at the mall and take a picture of her butt I've met guys Don Vito did that I didn't know that was like I mean I know people like normal looking guys too

It's crazy and they're like isn't this cool And it's like now I'm in like I'll kill you You're not even like an old man You're not even like an old perv You're 22 You could she's your age Yeah

That is weird No I've never encountered anything like that Normally when it was guys It was always like older dudes that I worked with it The plant or like Unlike when I was doing roofing or whatever it was never uh

yeah never anything like that um but then again you have to remember like our slash jail bait was a thing like not even that was that 20 years ago like where you just take a pick

like guys with it was the most part just take a picture of a young girl at the mall and be like she'd tell you I'd go to jail for this one and then like every it was like a thousand up votes like yes sure like you're like oh yeah we're

we're like kind of there are a lot of people who have have to die. There's just a lot of guys who just got to die. That's pretty much it. One of my, one of the things that sucked about studying philosophy, like, at all, well, other than, like, not having a job or whatever, is, like, finding out, like, reading a book of a guy and being like, wow, this was really illuminating. And then you go to his Wikipedia page to maybe find out some of his other works. And, like, line three is, like, Pierre,

Olivier signed the Man Boy Love Act in Paris 1978 him and his partner lived there still alive they live in Paris and every year they attend the It's okay to kiss a boy festival

which parts of France still throw it by the way and I was like oh maybe that's only one French or German guy and then it's like 10 of them across the political spectrum right wing guys like to be like oh all of your philosophers are pedophiles and it's like okay actually all philosophers

are pedophiles yeah let's let's keep it a book like you know I'm not a philosopher I just have a master's degree in it yeah he's just really good at it yeah he only studied it for six years in road a book it's only your passion dude yeah it was only something you dedicated like

seven years of your life to doing I think I did it to keep I think I did it to get my life back on track I definitely was one of those guys I was a classic cliche. I need to fix my life so I went to grad school. But it actually worked. For most people, it does, I don't recommend it. For most people, it does not work. You have serious problems that cannot be solved by getting a master's in like English lit or like social work or getting a master's in political science or something. But I also firmly believe in never paying

student loans back. So if you just want to hang out for a bit and learn, do that forever. One of my friends from my alma modern undergrad he's got two PhDs and he just keeps going to school and he's like yeah I think I'm in like 200 grand debt but he's just he's like fuck I don't get fuck he's got a PhD in history

and a PhD in political science that's a cool thing to do it's cool it's cool and like he's not people should be academics I agree we have enough people like me arguably you're not stupid though like you're not a dumb

guy at all. Right. Should have done, should have just gone to school or something and you don't, bro,

you're not, I went to school for long enough. Actually, if I just gone to school full time all this school and gotten the credits

for all the school I've done, I could have a master's degree. I went to community college for over five years. Yeah. Well, I think your,

your problem is, as far as long as I've known you is that you are a very intelligent guy, but, uh, when presenting, with a task,

you, sometimes you'll go, eh, that's just, that's, I mean, like, we've had conversations

where I can tell that you don't understand things, you're not stupid at all, but one of, one of your classic traits is a, a task presented to you,

and, you give it a few minutes to mull it over, and you go, I don't think I'm going to even, uh, look at that at all. I don't think I'm going to even,

I don't like, my, I do, there was a college, one of my one semester of university there was a college class where I could not find the classroom and I just said

you know what I think that's a wrap on that one I went I was looking at the whole building I went I asked somebody that said you're in the wrong building I said you know what I'm good I'm not going to a different building I'm going back to my dorm I did that with an 8 a.m.

but just too early. Like, I registered for classes late, and I ended up getting a D because I would turn everything in, but I never went. Like, I literally would never go to, I would just read the online notes and then the lecture, and then I would just turn in dog shit, and, you know, they barely pass me.

But I remember I ended up having that professor two years later, my senior year, and he was like, you're the guy that only came to the first syllabus class and the theory of knowledge? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, can that may i ask why he was like an old like head philosophy i was like oh yeah i just didn't like waking up that early

like um uh eight o'clock like i'm i'm a night owl you know what i mean uh i go to bed these days i'm 21 these days i go to bed around 745 in the morning i just you know i'm living hard so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna get 10 minutes of sleep and then go learn take epistemology from you i'm sorry yeah i my philosophy Class, my first time taking philosophy, I only showed up for the midterm. It was the only time I was at that class. I did the midterm.

Don't know what I made on it. And I ended up with an eight in that class. Dude, getting anything less than a 10 is when you get like a 12, you're like... I got a zero and I think half of my class is my first semester college. A zero. And I got an eight. And then I think an eight was maybe my eight and maybe a 12 was my highest.

grade. What I'm saying is a zero is like, okay, you didn't fucking, whatever. When a professor has the audacity, like, you could give you a 14, you're like, you should have just give me the zero, big dog. Almost a D. A. 60 points away. Oh, man.

Fuck. Oh, I got to go. Shit. Thanks for listening, guys. Please subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon. com slash Pandejo time. throw us a few bones.

I'm sorry for the video episode, guys. I've had like four comedians drop and everybody's out of town or doing South by shit. So I've got a couple of other people I'm going to reach out to to do the show. But if you want to see me do stand up and you live in Austin, Texas,

this Sunday the 22nd and Monday the 23rd at the Velvita Room, I will be there for cocktails and comedy and then Power Bomb. And then March 25th, the valve. I'll be there for the hump the Wednesday show and then that the next day

Creek I'll be there at Creek for Litty Titty Thursdays 24th doing a motherfucking 20 minutes at the goddamn green room get tickets at green room ATX and then April 28th and May 1st if you are a lemon party

slash Pemdeo time fan you can get tickets to party.com. I'm opening up for the boys on the road once more. Thank you You got anything going out Thomas Check out Joe Box Season finale on Monday And check out his other stuff too

And that's all for me No stand up right now Swag All right peace Bye