Pendejo Time - Lone Star State of Mind

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

What type of dad will you become? You gotta keep your eye on the ball son. Support the Show.

sure yeah so who cares it's just going to be me laughing it's just going to be me laughing at giving him slop people are just going to hear my side of the michael chimo thing and then no no it was it was recording before it was yeah but just on my headphones but just on zoom right like or i guess it wasn't recording i was in aud Well, the audio quality is going to shift drastically. Who gives a shit? I did that with the podcast about this Christmas episode. Oh, yeah? It was like an hour and a half through it.

I realized my mic hadn't been plugged in the whole time. It was rough. Thankfully everyone else was like much funnier on that than I was. So it was like really made up for it. You know, I only said like five things. It was really fine. Low effort. Yeah. Just go in, just dial it in, just come up. Say, yeah, I mean, I'm just here to cash checks. I'm not really here to, to do really much of anything.

I just do it for, in my mind, it's something I do for money. Yeah. But you do anything cool this week? I started going back to the gym. I guess it's the middle of the week. Like fully, you know, like we kind of talked about that. It's like it's cool. I needed it.

In terms of coolness, not really. I've been playing like a lot of video games. I'm still like work's not back started. And I want to get into alchemy or time travel or something like that. Because I feel like I could figure it out. It doesn't seem very hard for a guy like me to like do stuff like that. I'm probably, probably like the second or third smartest guy that ever lived.

And so I think that turning lead into gold time travel, like all that stuff is like, it's easy to me. It's like addition to me. So, uh, and I've known this all along, but I think now's the time, you know, I've been being selfish, not sharing this information or putting it to use. Um, but if you want to know about time travel and alchemy and my solving those problems, then you have to subscribe to the premium episodes. That's where I talk about those things. Well,

just had a premium discovery that you guys are getting for free. Yeah. I got, I got a new loose tooth. Nice. Nice. Sick. What about you, Andy? Did you do anything cool? I did

something awesome today. Backflip? So for something close, so for whenever you work on oak trees, you know, when you're cutting off pieces to prevent oak wilt, they'll just spray paint over the wounds or whatever in the tree. So the beetles that spread oak wilt can't, you know, they're repelled from burrowing in those spots.

You know, they're repelled from burrowing in those spots. So obviously, you know, you don't shimmy up the whole tree with a can of spray paint, you know, like some hooligan. You put it on a pole and then there's a string on it and you can just hold it up. So I had to swap out the spray paint can on it because I ran out and I didn't know how. So I just started prying it with a screwdriver and then I popped it. They go off like an ink bomb in a bank vault type shit. Oh, yeah. It took me a good while. You know that soap that has like the pumice in it or whatever?

The lava soap, I think. Yeah, yeah. It took me like 15 minutes in the shower with that stuff to get it off. But anyway, my face was close by. Since it was mostly empty, it wasn't like a Tom and Jerry type situation. Was it black spray praying? Yeah. Yeah. That's where you're going with it. Okay. I got you.

Part of me was hoping part of me wasn't, you know, we just had to see how it worked out. Yeah. But, um, I like, you know, I'm like, Oh, I'm covering paint. And I just like slowly slip into like a Cat Williams impersonation throughout the day. But no, I, but anyway, whenever I did that, my face was kind of close to it. And none of the paint got on my face. But I did inhale quite a bit of, I don't know what else in paint, but I've had a headache. All sorts of pain.

Pretty heavily. It feels like. What if you would have. I don't know what else in pain, but I've had a headache. All sorts of pain. It feels like somebody totally covered your face. It's like somebody just hit me in the head with a shovel, but the handle end of a shovel. Not all the way. I wish that... How much would it take for you to kill somebody with a shovel?

10 grand? Are there legal repercussions? No. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, okay. What is the moral status of this person? Do I know if they're good or bad or is it just any guy

like a guy appears you gotta do it it's probably a guy who'd be like main event or something oh okay okay just like a saturday for the boys kind of guy like that maybe maybe maybe not you know just like he's not like bad enough coming across for you to be like of course you know I'm not doing a moral good thing by doing this in no situation is this guy like a pedophile or something

you can just have that out of your conscience where it's just like yeah maybe he's done like low-level embezzlement you know he stole 500 bucks from work i would do something like that so i mean yeah like i would well now you yeah i don't know why you said yes why'd you you say yes? Why would I say yes to what?

That I would kill a guy? You said you'd do it for 10 grand. Yeah. Who gives a shit? Yeah. I'd never do something like that. You would never kill a guy with a shovel for 10,000 billion? No.

Why not? No, I don't know why you'd even say that. Well, you asked and I thought about it and I ran it. Yeah, I asked so you could say no. I was providing an easy way for you to look good and you said yes. We don't look good.

A lot of people think that we're scoundrels. We've got our angles that we're scoundrels. Yeah we get our angles you know. Yeah that we work. You reminded me with this. My roommate we had like it was like dead of summer and there was like six wasp nests all on the right out the front door and uh we were like day drinking or whatever and he was like i'm gonna put on a bunch of hoodies and i'm gonna go punch all these wasp nests down i'm sick of it and i was like dude we have like wasp spray he was like no it doesn't work they come back i'm gonna put it into this like now

and it's like it's like 150 degrees outside you better make this quick and have a heat stroke or It doesn't work. They come back. I'm going to put an end to this, like, now. And it's like 150 degrees outside. You better make this quick. You're going to have a heat stroke or whatever. And so he, like, puts on a fucking, like, he had, like, a balaclava. He puts that on, puts on, like, three or four foot. He has a big, thick jacket. But he does not cover his hands.

And I'm like, dude, like, bandana it i wasn't thinking honestly i didn't give any advice i was like you yeah let's run it you you've hyped me up i'm here for this round one like let's take out all these motherfuckers and so i'm out in the yard smoking a cigarette and he's like okay here we go and he punches a small one i guess you wanted to start small yeah there were so many there was just a lot so he just starts like three piecing the side of our house just like way too hard like he doesn't he was like hitting the siding like a big guy and i was like it's their safety deposit she's going out the window with each part and i like circle around because they start swarming and stuff so i go around and i still hear him like

and uh i go into the back door i'm like i'm not gonna get stung i don't want to get some this shit sucks and he comes in about five minutes later and he's like man they didn't sting me like through the jacket this is a really good idea i was like did they get you in the face and he's like no uh one of them like landed on my head but like i think they couldn't bite through the thick now he was like but my hands and he like held his hands up and it was just like popeye's forearm it's just like like red and like knotted and welted and just like i mean just look like shit i was like how many times you get bit dude he was like man i don't know it hurts like a lot though and i was like i was like

the reality of it set in because by the way this wasn't like i wasn't 19. i was very much like 24 years old this was like only like maybe 24 months ago. Like it really wasn't, I can't chalk it up as like. You were the same person you are now. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, definitely fatter, but like mentally, like my moral compass, my IQ, very much the same.

And he like had to like call out of work the next day and he was like working in an office because like it like it took a couple days to go down and i remember that like right what happened was like should we go to like hospital he's like no and i was like you might need like he's like i'm not allergic and i'm like at some point it stops mattering i guess if you're allergic to the venom or not. I'm pretty sure you got stung like 30 or 40 times. He's like, yeah. Anyway, you want to play Rocket League?

And I'm like, can you? And he's like, no, I don't think so. But I tried. But he's like, I don't know. Story ends there, but I would be laughing because we would be playing Rocket League. And I would look over, and his hands were like Shaqq's hands like the pictures where he's holding like a basket which is like he had covered the whole controller and he was like I was like dude you really need to go ice those things he's like I'm straight dude it only hurts like a lot I was like this is like it was one of my best

didn't even take like Benadryl or anything no I think he took like later on in the day he took like a Tylenol but like it's just he's one of my best friends Didn't even take like Benadryl or anything? No, I think he took like later on in the day, he took like a Tylenol, but like, it was just, he's one of my best friends in the world still is. And I was like, it was like one of those moments where you're like, how insane and like tough, like just pain tolerance, like the people you meet in your day-to-day lives. Like you kind of just assume everyone's like, ah, man, that hurts. I don't want to do that. But just the brittle insanity of your average human being. Just to the point where you might die and you're like, eh.

Not even like a doomer, depressed way. You're just kind of like, man, it's a cool story. It makes me feel cool. The wasps are gone, so I don't really understand why you're concerned. I did you a favor. Meanwhile, his hand is pulsating with the time of his heartbeat. I used to, whenever I was a kid, that was one of my

big hobbies, was knocking down wasp nests. But I'd do it with a broom, but then I wouldn't have a spray or a backup plan. So I'd always just get stung broom, but then I wouldn't have like a spray or like a backup plan. So I'd always just get stung in the face a bunch of times, but I wanted to say like, yeah,

but I built up a tolerance, but no, I'm like allergic. So it just kind of got worse over time. But I, I remember one time, this actually did not happen just one time. It's happened weirdly,

like a lot of times in my life where i will be on the freeway doing like highway speeds 85 miles an hour or whatever and i will hear a buzzing sound and i'm like oh there's a fly in here and uh no it's like a big red wasp and that type of thing just really increases your chance of car crashes by like a hundred thousand fold. Cause I'm trying to remain calm, but I just, there's just no, I hate, I hate being, I take the nearest exit. I hop out the car and I just start like slap box in the air for like 45 minutes until it gets out of my car. until it gets out of my car. Yeah, whenever I was probably like 11 or so,

we used to have one of those mailboxes where it's like, it's fancy enough to where you need a key, you know, but it's not like one of the custom ones or anything, you know. But there's like a little slot where the the mail guy drops the mail in and then you use a key to get it out use the little door but i would just jam my hand through the mail slot so i didn't have to bring the key and one time i did that and there was a wasp in there but i thought it was a piece of confetti because i reached in and I felt his wing or whatever. And I was like, somebody, I got a gift. And so I started like diddling with it.

Yeah. Stung me. And then I wrenched back and I broke the mailbox and, uh, powerful child Thomas. And then, yeah, then we had to get a new mailbox. I felt terrible. Uh, I remember this was, uh was it was hard to like make friends growing up especially like if i hung out with somebody like two or three times my like playing music

or something like 13 14 years old my dad would be like he just likes people to like barbecue and drink beer all day and uh and so he'd be like oh well yeah does his dad play guitar or something i'm like yeah i guess so and so he would just invite himself over to like me hanging out with friends or whatever and one time him and my mom both show up and they do like i guess in a weird parent way you know when you're like a teenager and your parents have friends like what the fuck is it what is this and they like hit it off or whatever and they're drinking and uh my dad my dad is like a give me my keys or i'll kill you type guy he's like i'm driving home i don't care if i can't see. Probably why he has so many DUI. Anyway, dude, I was good friends with this guy, and my parents made friends with him,

and then my dad backs out of the fucking driveway, turns, completely miscalculates his two- or three-point turn, and just knocks their brick mailbox down. Boom, dude, just fucking destroys it. He was like, should I go in and say something? And I'm like, yes. I don't, I mean, maybe not. I don't know.

Like, I don't know. I didn't. And he was like, I guess I should. He's really fucked up, though. So he gets out of the car but forgets to put it in park. So he gets out of his car and it's just rolling up the curb. Like, it hits the curb, goes up a little bit. He jumps back in, hits it in part.

Sprints inside, weirdly enough. Like, and he like not bangs on the door. And I could hear him from the car. He was like, hey, I just knocked your mailbox over. And I'm kind of like in your front yard. Don't worry about it, though. I'll take care of it. He didn't, he wouldn't take care of it. He had like $33.

I'm imagining it was checking account at that time. And anyway, yeah. Like that was just one example of like the ways in which my parents like would just, I couldn't, it wasn't all the time, but it was like, if they thought that they could like make friends with like girlfriends, parents or like friends, parents, it was just like a it wasn't like a drunkenly like, oh, kind of embarrassing thing. They would just do stupid shit all the time to where, you know, the only people that enjoyed my company or theirs were people whose parents were also equally like mentally deficient people, just fundamentally like like just just broken people. Yeah. people just fundamentally like like just just broken people yeah yeah i never had any of that actually we i uh my mom was like really big in the church and was like she still is and she would like drag me my brother and she like when I was like 13 or 14 and I was like

really I had just watched SLC punk and I was playing a lot of Tony Hawk so I had like got a mohawk and was like just really being like a, the way some guys in their thirties get into like being a UK, like sex pistols guy, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And just kind of like showing up to a small Baptist church and like skin tight blue denim and like combat boots and like a denim jacket with like studs on it my mom's like can you wear like church clothes i'm like no and at the time i was like i'm a fucking dude i'm an anarchist i'm i'm i'm the same as like and che guevara i'm a revolutionary but I was just telling my mom, like, fuck you, you know, like not even.

Yeah. Just kind of like kind of like Huey Newton, but also a lot like Gigi Allen in some ways. Yeah. Also. Yeah. Also, just like not really even having any political opinions. I'm just like at the age where I want to frustrate as many people as I possibly can. at the age where I want to frustrate as many people as I possibly can.

And, and I want to do that through, I guess, whatever actions I could take that aren't a big deal, but they still like, I guess, give me some satisfaction being a fucking shithead. Yeah. I never really went through that specific phase because whenever I was like around that age, I just wanted to be really good at sports. I think like, well, I mean, I mean, I played sports, you know, and I had fun doing it. But I was like, oh, you know what? I should like invest a bunch of time into like being good at like basketball and stuff.

Yeah. And then I'll like be good at basketball probably. Yeah. And that's not really the case when you start taking a sport seriously in like seventh grade, you know. And also lack, you know, any sort of fundamental talent. Depth perception. Speed, strength. Step like that. Social skills.

Yeah, math. The ability to make eye contact. Yeah, emotional maturity, understanding people on a fundamental level. Yeah. Yeah, stuff like that. I remember when I played baseball for like a long time but like as a kid like as a really young kid it was just something to keep me busy as long as it worked so from like five to like i guess 12 but i had like severe like i guess undiagnosed

add like any child most children and i could not focus to save my fucking life. So a lot of times, like, I would be mid-game, dude. The fucking floodlights are on. Drunk parents in the stands. Yes, my boy. That's my fucking boy. Like, just shouting expletives and slurs at, like, little children. Like, just a good Texans, like, local baseball game.

And I would just be staring at, like, the dirt. Just, like, watching little bugs crawl on my legs. And I'd be like, nice. and I would just be staring at like the dirt, just like watching little bugs crawl on my legs. And I'd be like, nice. And then a ball would just come like rolling at my feet. And I'd be like, hey, what's that? I completely forget that I'm like, people care about this, especially the parents. And I'm like, I guess you can have this ball or whatever.

Were you one of the right fielders? I was always that kid. They would stick me. It was weird. Like I would, I would either play first base because I was fatter than fuck. And my coach like was weird about like, dude, we were children eight or nine and he's like, baseball is a contact sport. You understand me? And I was like, what? He's like, you see a motherfucker coming in hot, you shoulder into his ass.

I mean, me and Blue can have a conversation about it. I'm like, dude, this isn't fucking the national playoffs for the pennant. This is a child's game. I'm batting zero, and the pitches are coming in at a blistering 19 miles an hour. Nobody's cranking out dingers out here. I used to think, I remember in like second grade, the coach put me in right field and he was like, no, son, I'm doing this because you got a mean arm on you.

You got a good arm, let me tell you. And that's why I'm putting you out in right field. And I want you to just have fun out there okay just have a good time if the ball comes at you you throw it to the center fielder and he'll take care of it yeah you just thomas i'm glad you're here all right you show up to practice every day and that means a lot in life you know it's like having a job and i would hear that and be like wow i'm gonna i might play for the rangers someday yeah yeah you get it just just having like having a grown adult like with a mouthful of dip spit in the nicest way tell you that he can't bench you because it doesn't really mean i guess he could but like it doesn't work that way so you're gonna essentially stand next to the foul line and like just like try not to fall asleep

like try not to just lay down and start eating bugs and fucking dirt and shit i remember that like one of our coaches the same guy that was like baseball as a context was kind of the same he was super intense and he would be like you know he was like he would like try to tell us like I guess he was like a good college ball player. I don't know. Because he was like there's a science

to stealing base. You got to know. Again, we're eight years old. I barely even know where my fucking dick and balls are at this point. He's like you got to, there's something called this, the look. So you look at the pitcher, you keep your left eye on him, and he thinks,

he's not even worried about you. We were doing pitching machine at this time, but there was like a kid that would stand there, I guess, to catch line drives. He was like the pitcher or whatever. And he would be like, now you keep your eye on him. He thinks he's staying where he's staying. But, yeah, your other eye, your other eye is over there on second base.

So you see the pitcher, and you see the pitch, the ball go in, and your second foot, I mean, you're already halfway there by time ball, and I'm like, again, because I can't focus, I'm thinking about like, dude, I've got a little kid's cuisine at home, and it's the one with the brownie in it, and it's got the little colored little pink and blue little sugar flakes on it. And then Ed Ednetti's coming on the TV, and I got a Dr. Pepper in for it. And he's still yelling at me.

No. He's still yelling at me. No, yeah. I remember in second grade, I was in this little league for basketball, and I thought I was pretty good. I thought I was probably one of the best players. But I was all right. I was good on defense. But I didn't score until the last game of the whole season, which, to be fair, was maybe six games due to how little league organizations are run.

But I remember it was just like it was a pretty close shot also but i made it nothing but net which you know as it was like a six you know seven year old or whatever it's pretty cool and i didn't think it was that big of a deal but then they chanted my name in the lockout or whatever yeah i realized in that moment hey dude like everyone here thinks you're like severely autistic because you like don't talk i was homeschooled so like i didn't really like talk to anybody and i was like even as like you know like maybe a seven-year-old, I was like, oh, dude, this is like... They think I have a clear... No.

They think there's something bad, actually. Like, you've done something good, but it's... It wasn't good enough to warrant this. Yeah. No one expects you to do anything impressive ever ever actually so that's

it's it's positive and it's kind of in some ways you know deeply negative yeah i think i was like i think my like my mom just i think she expected me to like you know just like work at the church or something and like make pastries and like knock up some force girl like six times before I'm 22 and the fact that I like did stuff like stand-up or music she's even if it sucks like I was never particularly good at stand-up but I did it a lot or like anything I've like anything I've done in my life that's a creative pursuit or academic she she's like, man, that's crazy. That's awesome. Because, you know, like I think in her head,

I was just meant to like chew on doorknobs or something or like get hit by a truck or something, you know, like just not do really much of anything. But, you know, we're here now. Yeah. Well, I mean, my parents never had, like, super high expectations for me sports-wise. They were just kind of – which was kind of nice, you know. Like, no one in my family is, like, super good at sports, really. My little brother's pretty good at basketball.

But – so that was nice not having the the because a lot of dads especially north texas dads and i imagine just southern dads in general yeah are and i mean this is you could also find this in like boston and some places you know like just a particularly passionate yeah i know a father but who's only the only part of fatherhood that he gets excited about is being like you know an amateur you know sideline coach yeah just just screaming at his kid it's the same type of guy that watches football and like some like superhuman athlete, 6'5", 240 pounds, solid muscle, 6% body fat, spreads a 4'4". Got an arm like a cannon, makes a small error due to the pressure of the game or just fucks up and they're on the couch, 396 pounds, 5'7".

And they're like, yeah, I mean, if I was in this game, I wouldn't have done something like that. In fact, I would have probably thrown a Hail Mary 98 yards from end to end. And, uh, and, and everybody would have loved me and I, my life would have meant something and I wouldn't feel so empty all the time, but you know, I had to like raise a family and I had to, you know, I did my part and, and, my part and I'm a good person. But had I not had two, seven, nine kids that I don't love,

I would have probably been the best football player and the best baseball player and the president and astronaut and a pop singer. And I would have been a country star. But, you know, I just couldn't. I had to be a father and there's a burden in that. You see Clayton Kershaw

throw a bad pitch or something and he's just like, oh man, that type of play wouldn't have flown back at Baylor. Yeah. You didn't even go to Baylor he dropped out man my friend who went to Baylor

man he my doctor for my hypertension he went to Baylor and he said that wouldn't have flown let me tell you I'm telling you know if you're not up to it I mean look a fastball is a fastball we We're talking 99 miles an hour plus. We can go in the backyard right now. I got a radar gun. I bought it 17 years ago. It's been collecting dust in the garage. I'll go

hum it at the back fence and I'll dislocate my shoulder. But when you look at that radar gun, it'll say 114 miles per hour, because I you i promise you if they were to put me in at world series game i will close that fucker out all strikeouts look not so nowadays you want to be in the in the nlb you gotta be throwing at least what 72, 72, 75 fastball. I'll go out there to the backyard and I'll throw a 64 right now. I'm almost there. I mean, I'd have to practice a little bit, but I think I'd get back to it if I wanted to.

I think it's like back in college, man. I mean, sometimes, you know, big old head baseball coach, he'd ask me to come out there and practice some pitches. And I said, no, I can't. I got a family to provide for. I mean, it's a given. I didn't have a kid for another seven years. But I had my mom, you know, and my pops, who was, you know, he had a bad back you know and sometimes you gotta make sacrifices you

gotta make see the lord the lord test and the lord will give you two doors and he'll say 500 million dollar mlb contract or a loving family and you know, the sick man, the sinful man would take, you know, the $500 million, but a man of God like me, he understands that money ain't everything. And I could do it. I could have walked in. I could have walked through that door, and I could have played baseball for 95 years.

But I didn't want to because I'm a righteous man, and I walk in the path, the shining path. Yeah, I always felt like God was calling me to get laid off in the worst oil field jobs imaginable every six months. That's just what his plan for me was. There's Mary, a woman who makes $22,000 a year

as a vet tech there's something there's just something you know and son I know that right now you think dad I know dad I understand you don't know because there's something that little boys like you don't because there's something that

little boys like you don't get. It's that, you know, are you listening to me? Quit chewing on that fucking doorstopper. I've got something to tell you. Quit playing with it. I'm telling you right now that you

need to understand that your pa made a great sacrifice. I could have bailed. You know, hell knows, Lord knows I wanted to. I mean, look at your mother now. She's 414 pounds. She used to be something to look at. And I didn't sign up for nothing like this. I sure as shit didn't sign up for it.

I mean, look at me. I'm in great shape. I, you know, I do get winded going up the stairs like 10 to 15 times a day but you know i'm your old man's still stronger as shit i i can go in the garage right now that weight set's been out there for 40 43 years i can go out there right now and put up 350 you know why because i still got it because i still you think you're all that and a bag of chips just because you're 17 and you got a girlfriend who knows how to play the drums. Back in my day.

Back in my day, we didn't have no... Fuck. Oh, fuck. You think because you got you one of them Denton... Listen to me. You got one of them Denton, she, listen to me, you got one of them Denton fucking wearing a beanie and fucking going to the concert type girlfriends. She does a, she's got a longboard. And you think she, you think that makes you something?

Because she can, she's got her eyeshadow all fucked up and she's got borderline personality disorder. You think that makes you, man? You think it's cool to go to a house music show with an old abandoned airplane hangar with your friends who wear

raw denim? Daddy knows like way too much about actual, like, spot on. Yeah. You think you're post-ironic enough to like way too much about like actual like too much thought on yeah you think you're post ironic enough to like

a hundred geeks do you I mean I bet you do back in my day it was Twisted Sister and I you think I don't

understand meta irony in music and I don't understand animal collective or that I don't understand and appreciate the movies of Wes Anderson

that I don't I mean do you you that i don't understand and appreciate the movies of west anderson that i don't i mean do you think i don't understand discordant i've got three peter paul and mary records on vinyl kid you fought do you even i mean you you go on the internet and you go on there and you look at your drills and your prospectors and you think you understand it, but you don't. You fucking don't. You think you know about forum posting? Oh, I bet you do. I bet you know everything about that.

I bet you do. Just the idea of a dad giving like a heart-to-heart drunken baseball lecture just somehow spinning it into like oh and by the way you think you're fucking cool too you think you can wear your fucking levi skinnies and your fucking little doc martens and you can think a christian baptist dad who has a profound understanding of like irony, hipster culture. Yeah.

That's going to be, I feel like we're going to, there's no way that that's not down the pipe for a lot of people. Probably, I'm probably going to be that. You think you're a man talking to cat girls on Discord? Listen, back into it, look, court woman it used it used to be something you had to be a man about you had to go up to her and you have to say hey baby i want to finger fuck you in the back of my daddy's four pinto and now you know there ain't none of that there ain't none of that show show it ain't about being a gentleman no more it's about asking for feet pics and sending cop pictures with filters on them make them look bigger and it's about you know uh saying that like

all sorts of manner slurs and dms with people and that you'll get fired later uh you know that's that ain't about that's not what what man is that is. That ain't what being a man's like. You know, back in my day, you know, my idea of fun, I might listen to Neon Moon in the back of my Chevrolet Cavalier. Now these kids might – they might sit underneath the Neon Moon and watch the Cleveland Cavaliers. You ever think about that? Man, I – look. Man, listen, I really appreciated this 24-minute lecture on everything

from baseball to hyper pop and – This should just be how we talk now. Basically my regular voice. Just a little exaggerating. But slightly, slightly off. No, yeah, it's fine. We can get way too into character. Yeah, I wonder if some of like, I don't know, people online or just people in day to day life won't ever age out of like, like they're permanently damaged from the internet. So I know we were obviously doing. I'm just kidding like being so damaged that like obviously you cannot like it's here it's irreparable so like you do grow up to be like like the Gen X cool dad that still like has a

beer belly but still wears like super skinny pants and it's like what's that nirvana nice you know just a guy that's like 48 years old and I was in a DM. I was in a group DM with, you know, Mr. Poopy Butt and Prospector in 1488 Ninja and Dr. Retarded. And, you know, so I think maybe I know something about subversive comedy that you don't understand. And so maybe, you know, you should take a lesson from me. you don't understand. And so maybe you should take a lesson from me. You're getting jumped by a bunch of Korean kids and you're like, well, I guess somebody's having a normal one.

They robbed at gunpoint being like normal world. Oh, this is the normal world for sure. And they're just like, they're just like stomping your teeth out and you're barely able to speak. You're like, oh yeah, this hell world I got ain't nothing right in hell world here. Oh, this is

fun to me. The wallet taker has logged on. He that The wallet taker has logged on. He, he, he, the. I love. You got a. You got a desert eagle on the, on the back of your head. You know, the guy's trigger fingers shaking.

He's about to do it. And you're like, Hey, hey. Vorat voice. My wife. The guy's like... The guy's like, what? He's like, I wish I brought more bullets. He actually doesn't kill you because at that point he feels bad

for killing someone who is that... It's like a Jedi mind trick. Yeah, yeah. It's like killing, it would be like a guy who doesn't want to kill a mentally deficient person because it feels worse than just killing a guy. You know? It's like just shakily with the pistol to the back of your head.

Any last words? Yeah. What about this, bench? My good bench? What do you think about that? It's just like dude i'm gonna fucking kill you oh yeah how about how about you get corncobbed bench dude i'm gonna fucking paint the concrete back your fucking head is that the last thing you want to say to me yeah dude you're getting fucking owned right now You're getting dunked on like a bench.

You're just like, I don't know. Yeah, I got to go pick my kids up from school. He's all stomped on and bloody. He done got corncobbed today. Not understanding, trying to be a relatable dad but not understanding the lingo my daughter was owned at a party

that's bad I didn't I'm sorry I thought of it too but I didn't you didn't want to pull the trigger corncob was a really corncob was a really bad one. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

So guys, hopefully the audio isn't working again this time. Cut out on that one. Did you see the news? but um i uh did you see the news you're gonna have kids you're like around the age oh let's do your question first uh yeah thanks for saying that um every month that or day that passes i get closer to the age in which younger people on Twitter are like, bro, you're still on Twitter. Go start a family. And like by this age, I know that my mom's kind

of an outlier, but like at this age, I mean, now my mom had a 10 year old. So I think that I don't want to have kids at all. I'm like just as mentally and emotionally and financially prepared to have children now as I was at seven years old so I don't think I'm going to like have them I don't want to have them and I don't like need to have them well I was just thinking it would be a good stunt for the

show if I had a kid yeah let's say a thousand dollars a month you you have a kid no no because no two thousand dollars a month and the second one okay all right guys appreciate you folks getting us up to eleven thousand dollars a month unfortunately um if that were to happen i would need to keep all the money yeah no yeah uh uh what was your question oh i was i was i wasn't pointing i wasn't singling you out i've been thinking you know i I'm ready. I think it's my time. To like not grow up?

I think I'm getting pregnant this year. You're getting pregnant. No, no. Yeah, yeah. I got that flex money right there. What was your question? Did you see the news today? The NKU's canceled.

Yeah, well, I was talking about they're going to give canceled. Yeah, they're good. Well, I was talking about they're going to give two thousand dollars a month to everybody that has more than one concussion and a small penis. So you should be good. Actually, I've only got one concussion.

Thank you very much. OK. What about the other thing? So I wouldn't qualify. That's worried about me. No, I wanted Okay. What about the other thing? Yeah, so I wouldn't qualify. Don't have to worry about it, man. No, I wanted... This whole show is writing off a myth, and we have to keep it intact.

I think, yeah, I understand. Well, there's several myths that this show operates under. Levels, layers. Yeah. The first of which being that we are in any way like people uh who deserve to be listened to yeah that's the biggest one um whose opinions are are valid even within the scope of if we were just talking to each other and not broadcasting it.

Yeah. You know, that's one of the big ones. But, you know, we can't. It's too late now. We've got to take it and run with it. Yeah, I mean, the triggers are even pulled. And so I feel like to stop it now would just be no good. Yeah.

We got to start coming up with like some really contrarian opinions. Yeah. That's what really gets you pretty much, pretty much agree with everybody. Not everybody, but like a good, everybody that I'm friends with, you know, so I don't feel the need to, well, not even everybody I'm friends with, you know, so I don't feel the need to, well, not even everybody I'm friends with. I just, if I have a differing opinion, you know, it's not like far enough off the map to get,

it doesn't matter. Yeah. I don't even come, I don't even have that many. I have like six opinions now and half of those are about knife companies that are like... What's a knife company you like, man? So, look, I don't want to talk about it, okay? I've asked you over and over to keep my personal life out of this.

Yeah, you have. That's true. Every time. You try and mess that up for me. I tell Yeah, you have. That's true. Every time. You try and mess that up for me. I tell people you know your street number. I tell you you know. Yeah. Listen. I can legally own a gun now.

For real? Yeah. I'm not going to. Can you get your CHL? I'm not going to. I'm not saying that necessarily you want to. I'm saying you can now. I think I I think I could I would

there's like to me the daily carry thing is so dumb especially open carry having it in your car or whatever also you know not a great idea most of the time but

I feel like a lot of people you know, not a great idea most of the time, but. I feel like a lot of people, especially like in Texas and just the South in general, like, you know, they get a CHL, well, they buy a pistol, they buy a Glock on sale, and you get the fucker and you get your CHL. And they're like, I now know how to shoot like Jason Bourne. In a tactical situation, these are the same dads as the dads we were talking about earlier,

the sports dads. The same guy where they're like, I'm going to get Weaver grip and I'm going to be clearing corners. If there was a mass shooter, like a team of special retrained dev group type SEAL type guys, they wouldn't stand a chance against me and my bargain by glock like they wouldn't because they don't fundamentally

understand tactics strategy they don't understand like you know stealth and stuff like that and you're no muscle memory also yeah you know and you're like dude you can't like you you can't like walk through a door normally you have to turn at an angle to get through it because you are wide yeah for me because I do understand why people carry

them in their cars I'm not super opinionated on like on stuff just because I'm not the most educated but me personally the main reason why i wouldn't isn't like somebody breaking in or something like that it's a if you honk at me and i have a gun in my car which i don't you know i don't

yeah let's say i did i would get it out and i would point it at you yes because i get mad immediately in traffic which is fine because i don't swerve at people or anything like that i'm just in my own little bubble yeah and i'm not driving with other people yeah and so what you know whatever whatever happens happens you know yeah i think i mean it's good obviously i've never tried to kill you with my car but for a long time the only reason like because i can't get a chl for reasons that i posted about on the internet to keep it short i it admitted myself to a funny farm some years back so like apparently you can't apparently i can't uh Does that disqualify you? From my understanding, yes.

But I did – a guy that was a regular in my bar, I was telling him because he was a big gun guy and a big Joe Rogan guy. That was his idol. And he was telling me – we were talking about CHL. Big pro-gun, big Texan, libertarian guy. Anyway, he was like, man, you seem to know a little bit about guns. You should get a CHL. You should go to range or just get a pistol and go to range. And I'm like, there's a lot of reasons I won't get a pistol, man, but there's one big reason why I can't get a concealed carry.

And he's like, what's that? And I'm like, I went to the mental institution. I admitted myself. And he's like, oh, man, it's too bad. And then he like kind of – there was like a dead air silence for a bit. He goes, but here's the thing he's like you can find you know a lot of like instructors and like certifiers who like don't really care too much about that type stuff and i'm like what and he's like yeah i mean like you know the background check like you know it really ain't

all that like stringent or like they don't really, like, look that hard. Some people do. But if you just, like, lie, they probably won't. And I was like, that's, like, supremely irresponsible. That sounds, because it's like, I'm not, I would never go on a rampage. I mean, who knows? But I mean, I probably would just one day just be like, man, this looks like like it'd be good to eat and i would just eat the gun and then pull sugar and die but like that's what you know but you know like he was adamant that he was like man you don't need

to worry about a thing like that you can just go just go get it it's only like 400 it gives you get two get ten you know uh so i don't know maybe i will but it feels wildly irresponsible for me to $400. It gives you. Get two. Get ten. You know? So, I don't know. Maybe I will, but it feels wildly irresponsible for me to do that. Yeah. If I ever start carrying a gun, I'm going to make it one of those like gay little revolvers, like the tiny ones.

Like the little Derringers or something. Yeah. And I'm like Peashooter. Yeah. I'm going like, pea shooter. Yeah. I'm going to open carry it. I think, uh, just get whooped.

Yeah. Just get like, just, just a guy that just sees you pull it out and he just hits you with like a right. Just puts you the fuck out. Like he's not even scared of it. Not even,

that's my biggest fear. I think is like you pull a gun on a guy and he's not even scared of it not even that's my biggest fear i think is like you pull a gun on a guy and he's like i would hate to pull a pistol out on a dude that's like robbing me or something and he it's just too close quarters and i just in the moment don't create space or whatever he just like smashes me with a fucking head takes my gun and i die it happens all the time. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah. Whenever I worked at a lumberyard,

we used to have this guy who would sometimes get like two 8-foot 2x4s and put it in the back of his 3500 HD or whatever. Yeah. And he would be walking.

Yeah, he would be walking around lumberyard in full starched cowboy garb. And he would have like a huge revolver on his side like Yosemite Sam, open carrying

it around a lumberyard. And you know, he went everywhere with it he had a holster yeah but not like a not like an open carry or concealed carry normal holster it was like one of those you know you can get like custom belts done yeah like a utility you know with like the burnt leather or whatever yeah yeah well he had he had like the burnt leather or whatever you know stencil but it was just like this tiny little holster for like a it was like a judge or something like it's a giant revolver like in 44 magnums yeah uh my uncle who is a full-blown like sir like he's not a survivalist he would die if he went outside his

front door because he's really fat but he's like a prepper insofar as he has a lot of guns probably like 50 in the house i don't know if that's legal and uh him and i don't see eye to eye on anything at all i remember he was like whenever you get your house you got a woman in it you need to get yourself your own personal arsenal it's your right as an American and it's your right as a man to do so and I'm like no I think I'm good like I'll

probably have a shotgun and I like I might get a pistol but I'm not gonna have like like a weapons cache from Grand Theft Auto in my bed yeah and he's like well why the hell not it's your rock do it and i'm like well first of all like you've gone into like forty thousand dollars of credit card debt for this hobby i already have an expensive hobby i don't need like this one second of all like you have a little child and you like don't keep your weapons locked up because

you're like philosophically ideologically opposed to it you have them on display if my son or daughter if i did have kids like grab that and like glue themselves away with it then like you know he's like well that's just something you gotta you gotta you gotta take that what it is i mean that don't even happen and i'm like statistically it happens all the time. It happens like an insane amount. And it's like, no. And it was one of those moments where you present someone with facts that

you know, to be true. And they're like, that don't even, I don't even know what you're even saying right now. I'm like, this is real. There is like a,

there is a vast amount of data to support this. And they're like, nah, I don't even know like what data means or like, no, I don't even know like what data means or like, like I don't understand fundamentally what you're saying right now.

But I do know that I have a lot of guns and I'm going to let my little, in fact, the person that I'm talking about, my uncle, he just got his kid who's like nine

a fucking shotgun. I think it's like a 16 gauge or something but the kid this kid he wants to play fortnight and he wants to like listen to doja cat and like do front flips and like burn little bugs in the ground and he wants to like eat sugar cane and like fucking pop rocks and fucking like drink dark pepper all day yeah he doesn't want to like bird hunt it's clear this kid is like not like him or whatever but he keeps pushing the lifestyle on you know it's just we're talking again we're talking about the same guy

the same guy we've been talking about the whole time I think the general thesis of you know what we've got going on here is there's only like eight guys in Texas and you get to meet them all in a very early age in your life like at

a really early age and then you get to keep meeting them for the rest of your life you know it's like uh it's like different classes in dnd or something it's like yeah yeah i think it's gonna say different races in dnd but i decided not to say that because it doesn't translate very well. Yeah. I don't know if, like, that's one type of dad. And then there's, like, I'm trying to think of another good one. There's, like, a cool alcoholic mechanic dad. Yeah, for sure. uh there's like a cool alcoholic mechanic dad uh the guy that's like always broke but he shows you pictures of cars you worked on and they're like oh this stingray i built up from nothing i put

about 40 grand into it you know but like their house is like there's just dog shit everywhere like cigarette butts in the kitchen sink like it's just yeah life is in disarray and they're like yeah you know if you do something like this this is the kind of hobby and they're like they're not like the gun guys they're like probably in the middle or maybe even pretty liberal but they just don't talk about it they're kind of apolitical or whatever but they're like you know you put like seven eight months of time in and like four or fifty thousand dollars worth of like credit cards. You can resell this vehicle for 51. If you put 50 grand in, you can resell

it for $51,000 and that's cash in your pocket. And I'm like, that sounds $1,000 for nine months of work. Oh yeah, buddy. Yeah. And you're like, okay, that's, yeah, that rocks. You ever heard of those old vw beatles

you ever fix one of those up no no i got 57 of those out back and i'm looking for i'm gonna fix them all up and sell them all for 700 dollars if you so listen the guy I worked with at the construction site was one of those guys he was the mechanic and I was his assistant now I'm letting you know dude I walked into that job knowing how to change a tire and how to

change oil and this guy worked on my forklifts and trucks cranes and he was like alright this is like week three he's like all right we got 150 foot crane uh you know big old motherfucker and ac's out so we're gonna flush that free on we're gonna replace it too we're going to put tanks in and we're gonna close that fucker up and get a nice cold back in there capatian i'm like i don't even know what an allen wrench I know what it is but I don't really know like I

just know how to do the shit that keeps my car like not exploding he's like oh it ain't nothing and it's like I'm sure if you've been doing it a long time that like redoing an entire AC is not a big deal even if you're doing a little bit of time but to a guy like me I was like I don't even know what's free on is that the cold stuff you know like i knew what it was but i was just fundamentally stupid but he was you know he was he would show me pictures with me to work truck all day he's like i fixed this thing up i fixed this enough cost about 70 grand sold for 73 you know i mean it's just like flipping houses you know and you do this 50 60 times a year and you work 140 hours a week on top of

what you work you can make 19 000 a year on top of your overtime pay now that's money and then like you know what like dude build the car and then drive it around it's a nice car nah you sell it you sell that book it's like i don't know if i built something up then it was nice i sure as shit wouldn't sell it to like a dentist i'd crash into a fucking telephone pole you know yeah i really like those like uh like when you see like an old fixed up bronco or something and you can tell some guy i just put put his life into it and then, you know, sold it for $200 more than he put into it. Yeah. I, uh, it's whenever I remember before I got my Nissan,

I was looking at Pontiac GTOs. This is like car I've always wanted, you know, and every Pontiac GTO or Pontiac G gt that was for sale on craigslist for like within reason for me to purchase some years back when i had a steady job the the little craigslist biography or whatever the thing was always the same it's like yep here's my baby 19 000 original miles uh i got canin air filter in this motherfucker. I got a LS Turbo. This thing's cranking out 700 horsepower. I love this thing more than I love my dog, more than I love my wife, more than I love

my kids. I need you to understand that because I don't want to sell it to you for this much. I don't want to sell it to you at all. But my wife told me that if I don't, she is going to divorce me. And I guess I can't be having any of that. So I need you to buy this from me fast. Like it's always like the guys are on the verge of losing their entire families because they just spend 22 hours a day with the car in the car, you know, like making it go just too fast and making it laddered and all fuck.

And then the reason they have to suddenly no longer be interested in this thing is because they're going to lose everything in their life if they don't. Yeah. I'd like to get like that with

comedy podcasting. I'm just putting so much into it. Everyone around me, I'm losing everything somehow. All my friends cut me off. I think that it's clear that we are fundamentally incapable of that because we're like a month in

and I am just now considering making the audio better like with just basic just basic tactics yeah people have been telling us for like three months we started or something yes i said three months we've had this going for like five weeks yeah no yeah they've been like hey man um everything ever think about like just working on it like a little bit just slightly improving anything and we're like honestly no dude i thought about it like a little bit like the way you think about like you know getting a like getting a two per place or like going yeah to the doctor or going to therapy or something you think about it and you're just

like now i'm good yeah it's like getting your oil changed or something. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I'll do it in like, I'll do it in like six months. Yeah. I'll do it. Yeah. I'll do it on my birthday. Nine years from now, whatever. Yeah. I, I like don't have like health insurance and, uh, yeah, cause you're poor. And, uh, my, my job, they're like, Hey, we have health insurance plan. And I'm like, Oh, cool.

This was like a year and a half ago when I started and I'm like, okay, like what's it like? And they're like, well, it's not really a plan. Uh, we just take like $400 dollars or like really like five hundred dollars out of your paycheck and then once you meet like a big deductible uh then your copay goes down from like a hundred dollars to like eighty dollars i'm like cool so like like a truck payment and i get to go to the doctor and i still pay a lot of money. And they're like, yeah. I'm like, cool. No. And they're like, well, it's, you know, we always encourage our employees to use our plan.

I'm like, I'm sure you do. Because it's like a shared thing where it's like, I don't really know how fucking works. I'm stupid and shit. But it's just, but as I walk around and I'm like, I need to go to the dentist. I need to like, you know, I need to go to the dentist. You know, I need to like, I need to like get my eyes checked. I have moles that I need to get removed, but I don't have $500 to like throw out. to throw out.

Baka binga. Anyway. Just now. Just now, go back. Yeah. I was trying to do an emergency save there, and it didn't work. Yeah, no, we're still rocking.

We're having a little bit of video that's going to appear. A little bit of fucking stupid shit. But I think as we speak... Jake just dipped out and then he came back and he was wearing a dress. I was wearing a big old dress. He's wearing a big, flirty dress.

Yeah, a really big dress. I think that... Old farmer's wife dress. Pentecostal yeah I think that would be cool I'm not going to say what I was about to say I think I'm good

on what we're just going to have to leave that in the old chamber anyway thanks for listening to this free episode of Pendejo Time I do appreciate it and I know

Thomas appreciates it and I do deeply this is the free episode and if you're listening to this and you're not subscribed to the Patreon the episodes on there are so good I mean really there are so good.

Really, they are... They're so good. It's the best. Top of the line. You think this is good? This is like... This is streetball, okay? These are the pros. Premium is the pros.

This is streetball. I promise you that we don't have funnier free episodes than we do premium ones. I promise you that that's not the case and it's never been the pros. This is streetball. I promise you that we don't have funnier free episodes than we do premium ones. I promise you that that's not the case and it's never been the case. That's a good way to put it. I promise you that the premium ones are funny. They're informative. We really just sort of get down to the granular nature of what's going on. economics, geography, science, physics, magic, real estate, culture, things like that.

You want to know stuff about hip-hop, things like that. You want to know about the five pillars. You want to know about karate chops. Yeah, the pharmaceutical industry. I think it's funny that a lot of the feedback i do get is like i like that they talk about construction and labor jobs and i like that they talk about lifting weights but that's like not what this podcast is at all i don't think it's anything talk about it like once for like 15 minutes every couple of yeah and then but it's like i've got like three or four replies

that are like yeah i really like the the osha violation stories are really funny and i'm like that was the first two or maybe three episodes yeah also it was just um just you that really had any stories there yeah i've never even worked directly with OSHA. They were just saying, hey, Jake is funny. And we'll listen. Hey, thanks guys. Thanks for tuning in.

If you want to be a sponsor or something. Yeah, if you've got like a mattress or a condom or a flashlight or something. Maybe $20,000. $50 million. Something like that. We'll break it in for something. Maybe $20,000. $50 million. We'll break it in for you. We'll think about it. I'll check my email in three weeks, but we'll get back to you on that.

Yeah, me neither. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, yeah, bye. Yeah, that was pretty good I guess gets the job done

I'm going to I've got my audio here