Pendejo Time - long

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

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yeah let me let me get a whopper and uh let me get um picture that dick playboy let me get uh a fucking piece of that thing bro i like a fucking hey um uh i like a fucking piece of... Yo. Yo. This socially awkward DL thug. Yo, man, I don't know if you know this, but... He's got like 10... I don't usually say this, but... Yeah. you say this but uh hey yeah he's like he's killed like 11 people he's like you know certified bd a um

i fuck um yeah i just not a lot of people know about me. So, I just want to see if I could, fuck, no, I ain't fucking trying to fuck or nothing. You ever, what? You ever thought about. Yo, I saw you. I was thinking if you... If there's ever something... My girl, she go to community college in the city. She go to community college in the city.

And I know you came over to sell me some switches. But I'm horny. I'm assuming that's how that would happen. Yeah, for sure i'm yeah i'm assuming that that's how download uh gay guys who are gang affiliated talk to one another dude i've been uh i think i fucked up my instagram algorithm no um i have been it's not good i want to preface this i want everyone to know where i stand on this issue but the way that that Nigerian and Ugandan politicians are homophobic is, and I'm not saying that like the way that the blank comment,

no, like the type of homophobia that it is. Like any fucking, you know, any like, you know, Dan Patrick or any of these guys, any fucking, you know, Southern, I don patrick or any of these guys any fucking you know southern i don't gotta be from texas it's like oh it ain't natural and it ain't it does not abide by the word of the lord and then there will be like ugandan parliament whatever the fuck and i'll be like they must go in the trash like the the shit that like the way that they express if i see one i will put him in i will put him in the garbage if my son is gay i would beat him with a drum i would feed him to a bug yeah it's not it's also like if you watch their whole speeches that don't have to do with

gay people it's not an esl issue they speak perfect english they're very eloquent so it's it's yeah it's not that they're trying to say something and it's fucked up in their language like with spanish it's like like the translation it's like no they know exactly what they're saying they're very well-learned men so it's not like that means something in the translation to english it's like i i would get him on a roller coaster and i would take off the strap when we go up the loop if he was gay these gay men are eating poop i love that video dude oh yeah yeah they take the poopoo and dude it's again it's of all the types of homophobic you can be it's not good to be any of them i want to make that clear but it is funny there's certain types of it that are truly hilarious uh just you know

decontextualized from the violence or whatever like there was one i was watching and this lady stood up and she was like you know would you be willing to have like a sit down with the gay community of, you know, the city or whatever? And the guy was like, I will not sit. I refuse to sit with them. They will not. What are you looking at on your phone? Green slime. Is that a jello shot?

I got this free green slime at school. Look at it. It's made out of beads. Oh, it's like kinetic slime or whatever the fuck. green slime. And, yeah, so, I think the two best forms are that

and the Mexican homophobia because I had Homophobia? No, I'm the two best forms are that and the Mexican homophobia because I had... Hobophobia? No, I'm a good fucking... Homeless guys are gross. I can't be seen around them. I don't know what homophobia is. But anyway, I had a co-worker come up to me randomly one time and asked me if I'd rather be gay or have Down syndrome.

To me, that was the most obvious answer ever. You know, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'd rather be gay because it doesn't really affect my... You lead a normal life. It's not really a disability, you know. So I think I'm going to choose to not have a disability. Pretty easy for me. He was like, fucking weirdo.

And I was like, why is that? First off... Yeah, what if he called you ableist? He wasn't asking me whether I'd rather have a chocolate bar or suck a dick. It was that. It was either be gay, like... Which to me, I'm like, okay, if I'm suddenly gay, then that's just who I am. Then it wouldn't be.

Right now, it would suck for me to be gay because I don't have any desire. I don't want to suck dick and get fucked in my ass. I don't have any desire to switch, like, not even that. I just, I've got a feeling I don't want to change my identity this late in the game you know what I mean where it's like you know your friends start going through phases and it's like I don't want

people to be like oh yeah you know gay now he made a bet with a fellow day laborer anyway but yeah I think I don't even want to know what like the russians and chechens think gay people i don't i mean i know i know the muslims don't approve of

it but i don't even want to know how they would try and put it um well i know that that uh katarov when asked about it he was like uh when he was asked about the the war crime like the crimes against humanity he was like i cannot imprison nor execute that which does not exist in chechnya which like in terms of responses go like like that's peak deny till you die like somebody's like i hear that you're killing gay men and women he's like i'm not they're like oh you got all this evidence and he's like i i can't kill people that aren't real like they don't live in my house like they don't live like they don't live in chechnya like they're out they're out there elsewhere you know hanging around but they don't hang out here imagine yeah that's a good thing to think about that's a fun little thing yeah that's

fun um imagine you're a gay guy in dagestan and you're a really good wrestler and you know that's that's got to be the ultimate thrill dude to be because if you're a gay guy like in san francisco you just get to be like a gay guy but if you're like a gay guy, like in San Francisco, you just get to be a gay guy. But if you're a gay guy in Dagestan, you got to do Mission Impossible stuff. Yeah, you got to get a guy dressed up like a bear. And then you... Ah, this bear keeps fucking me. I got to get better at wrestling.

Every night I wrestle with this bear. It lives in an apartment. I have to watch. Yeah. I just watched moonlight with this bear last night. Uh, the wrestling kind. And,

um, yeah, we wrestled. Yeah. I mean, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta go pick the bear up from work.

Uh, he needs a ride really bad to the, to the steel mill where we both work together. He's my bear friend. He's a wild animal, so he really shouldn't come around when we're around each other. He's got poor impulse control due to him being a bear. Yeah. Yeah, stuff like that. That would be really silly.

Yeah, stuff like that. Yeah, that would be really silly. I mean, when you think about how much fun can be had in the world of thought, there's really no end to it. Yeah, I really don't think we... You can just think about different stuff. I kind of wanted to spend a little bit longer on Nigerian politician addressing the homosexual community, but I feel like that's a

that's a very thin line you get to ride for a short amount of time it's not a it's not a ride at the at six flags that you get on a bunch you know you ride it once or twice and you're like man that was fun but that was a little too dangerous you know what i mean it's it that's how you feel yeah a little bit you know i guess as someone who has green slime now you know there's different ways that i can look at life and right now let me tell you man um as an owner of green slime i really feel like i have a different manufacturing company uh corporation in stanford connecticut made in china you know in china they've got know, in China, they've got green slime. They've got pink slime. Basically any slime you want.

Oozes and goops, too. They're the number one exporter of oozes, goops, and slimes, last I checked. Yeah, they put flubber on the sidewalks there, so when workers jump out, they just bounce right back up to their working station. Yeah, when they're working on iPhones, and yeah, they go to kill themselves, they just land in a big pile of goo. Yeah. Then the CCP whisks them away.

Like a Chinese salary man, just like, I'm done. I can't handle this shit anymore. I'm making fucking two bucks an hour you're like i'm taking a header it's i'm i'm at foxconn i love you and then you know leap out the window you just land comfortably a big pool of green news robin williams tries to hang himself with a flubber rope and he just his head hits the ceiling really hard. He boings. Boing. Oh, I gotta... I try to hang myself. I can't do him. It's the cadence I can get.

His voice is strange. Hi, I'm Robin Williams. I'm the comedian. Hey, I'm Robin Williams. I'm suicidal. And I did Good Will Hunting and I did Flubberant. Hey, everybody. It's me, Robin Williams, and I'm fucking suicidal

And I hate being alive How about instead of Goodwill hunting It's Goodwill monkey And it's Okay Instead of Matt Damon

It's a banana And Okay And Robin Williams Is a monkey And instead of math It's about munching. Trees, climbing trees.

Munching, and he sees a banana, and he thinks about munching it, and he decides to hang out with it, but he's secretly looking for a snack later, which will be the banana. A little foreshadowing. I haven't seen Good Will Hunting, but that's how I imagine roughly it goes,

except for there's a genius who's a janitor and then it kind of right you know rain man's the same thing where you know you find out he has autism um right right um i don't think that's a bad idea um like i i think that's pretty good i think you're onto something yeah did you eat any of the slime before we started doing the show and you know another another thing i was thinking about was you know and this is just another film idea you know what i mean um instead of rain man it could be grain man and he's um he's looking for the perfect loaf of bread.

What do you think of that? Okay. I'm not opposed to that. What would you think about it though? I would watch it. I think you'd be interested. Yeah, yeah. I think I would watch something like that. Okay, that's good.

It's about a theory of everything, but it's a theory of every string, and he's trying to knit a sweater for his wife. Oh, my gosh, that would be a hoot and a holler. I would love to watch something like that. Three and a half hours? Yeah, you betcha, man. How about instead of Rush hours 2 it was rush hours school

and instead of you know there's so many things instead of Chris Tucker it was Chris kid fucker and it was a teacher who wanted to fuck Jackie Jackie Chan it's the same guy teacher who wanted to fuck Jackie Jackie Jackie Chan

it's the same guy how about how about Jackie Scam and he lives in he lives in Michigan and he yeah he's a credit card guy

yeah that would be pretty funny what about Rush Hour it's Go Shower and they both stink or it's Blush Hour and they fall in love. Yeah, they kiss each other sweetly.

It's a rom-com starring Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. And they make sweet, passionate love for two and a half hours. Set to Chumbawumba's I Get Knocked Down. But I Get Up Again. They're never going to bring me down Last I checked You know Whenever I I remember whenever

I first got Pandora That was one of the first bands I wanted to check out I think I was 11 or so Yeah And I thought You know They made a song like that

They probably got a lot of other hits too Right And as it turns out Fucking huge Let down Chumbawamba's part there i thought the same thing about harvey danger they did that song flagpole city i'm not sick but i'm not well and i'm so hot because i'm in here it's a really popular song for the 90s it was in a bunch of

movies and then you go listen to all the other shit and it's like it's it's fucked. I got mad respect for people who, my dad was a big Primus fan. I don't know. You know who Primus is? Are you lying? No, I like the Brown album. Okay. That's one of the albums they made. It's named after a color.

Yeah. Let's check that. Hey, it is hey i trust you okay um no i didn't my dad my dad would put on uh i was remember i like a like i was like a kid not like a little kid but like 10 or 11 and we like listen to metallica in the car. And then he had like a, he had bought, he had bought like a six CD changer. That was like his big fucking, like his purchase for like 10 years.

And it would be like, you know, fucking for whom the bell tolls. And he'd be like, all right, we're done listening to Metallica. And he would put on, you know, Danny was a race car driver. And I was like, what is this he's like oh this is primus this is like you know really it's good music or whatever and to me it just sounded like nightmare stuff but

as i got older you know i i really grew to appreciate how much it sucks and and sometimes stuff that's good is really dog shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Bro, is that fucking... Did you make that noise or was that a cartoon? Bro, that was a cartoon munch noise. You can fucking go back and play that shit. That was like a... Bro, what the... That was a fucking...

You're a trip, man. You crack me up. I'll tell you what. What do we got going on this week? Let's see. You're coming to hang out with me in my house. Yeah. Just one way to look at it.

You know, we're going to try to get this video episode tonight up. Tonight, the one for... Oh, nice. Yeah. The one for April. Yeah. One for April., nice. Yeah. The one for April. Yeah. One for April. Awesome stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm going to fucking, you know... I got this slime. You got slime and I think... As an owner of Green Slime, how has your life changed since you came into contact with it? It's good. Sometimes I get paranoid when there's green slime.

But, you know, overall, what it really does is it helps me think of new things to eat peanut butter with. And, you know, at the end of the day, people say. Thomas, how did you get that slime? People say, Thomas, Thomas. Yo, young Thomas. How did you get that slime? I said, I went to the school And they gave it to me And it didn't cost a dime

Dude we need to fucking You and me Whenever I was in college I almost signed up for A rap battle in Dallas That's awesome Continue So basically

I used to be on a forum in high school. Yeah, yeah. Like early high school, to clarify. This was two years ago, by the way. 14, 15 years old. Yeah. That time. Maybe, you know what?

Probably up until 16. Up until 16, I think. I can't even give myself too much credit here. I was on a rap battle forum and i would rap battle people through um text and and then the way you would win those rap battles was people would vote okay it was just whoever your followers were would vote for you basically so all and it wasn't like a super high volume like high traffic website so most people had like pretty good but it was just cause like like rhyme density

you know like it was just a bunch of guys we were all secretly white except for like two people right yeah black guys don't do stuff like that no the black guys that did do it were like 12 it wasn't like yeah it was like

it wasn't like... There wasn't like grown-ass men. There were grown-ass men on there. In fact, dude, I almost made a song with one. And then it ended up being the exact same song as Damien by DMX.

Nice. There we go. I was like, bro. This dude was like 40. I was like, bro. I've been thinking about writing a song about peer pressure, but I need somebody to do it with. Mm-hmm. And he was like, damn, you'd want to do it with me? That could be cool. I was like, yeah, I just got to get like a microphone.

And he was like, yeah, you should for sure get one and i was like yeah bet i'm like i'm going to i didn't have a job i couldn't drive yeah i'm gonna get one soon and he was like yeah you should probably listen to damien by dmx because it sounds like like kind of a similar message and then i did and it was like i just didn't even say anything to him after that and then i remember uh yeah i remember bragging bragging to people on there that i'd gotten on probation um and i was on probation for trying to sell my grandfather's stolen bike it in um that was my yeah that was my fucking i was like yeah yeah i know it's not cool in real life but like on the internet i get some points but yeah anyway so uh i've been

i hadn't rap battled in a long time and when i had actually i rap battled a couple times in high school but just like for fun, you know what I mean? Where it's like legitimately nobody thinks they're good. It's just fun. Anyway, so I'm like 18, 19 now. This is when I'm at UTA. So I have not really talked to another person in a few days. And I've basically just been holed up. i'm very sick very sick i had i was horribly sick for a couple weeks

but i didn't really notice it at first if that makes sense i know yeah yeah i had i ended up having two ear infections a sinus infection uh throat infection and a sinus infection, a throat infection, and a respiratory infection. Yeah, it's like college sick. The doctor was like, Jesus Christ, I think you have AIDS. Anyway, but so I was just, I was fixing it by drinking Gatorade with beer to try, you know, and then just like Pop-Tarts and pudding also to stay hydrated add a roll and fucking yeah xanax and stuff anyway i remember seeing it medicine yeah and i remember seeing somewhere there was gonna be a rap ad on dallas and i just thought damn did i just find my calling

like just being just a fucking loser. Like looking back and just having like the worst ideas ever all the time. Like, damn, like somebody left a fucking skateboard up by the cafeteria building. That shit's worth some money. Yeah, yeah. Just the fucking most like borderline crackhead thoughts like like damn i could make some serious money if like i started like uh like a cooking business like cooking food yeah yeah when i i was uh this fantasy extended like well into my 20s, but it started in college.

I watched a documentary on moonshiners in Kentucky and Virginia during Prohibition. And there was something very romantic about that life that I was like, I was going on Google and I was like, uh, uh, grain alcohol stills. They're like $900. I was like, all right, if I could just save up a little bit, I can get a still and I could put it in my dorm and I could say it's,

I was a philosophy major. I was like, oh, this is for bio class. I was thinking like, I would get really high and I would go on these like forums and these websites. It's like, yeah,

you don't want to get, you need to get copper. You don't want to do anything else. Copper is a way to do it. That's how the shiners did it. If you want to stay true to the craft, you can't do anything. Steel is just it. You're going to fuck your mashup, blah, blah, blah, all this shit.

I have no idea how any of this stuff works. But I had the same kind of thought process where I was like, if I just put 10 grand into this, right now I have negative $36. But if I can dump 10 grand into this, I can make alcohol illegally out of my dorm and go to jail. I could probably get away with something like that. And then during COVID, I was drunk as shit every day. And right when the pandemic happened and I was like telling people in DMS on Twitter that I was like,

going to get into making moonshine. They're like, Jake, what are you doing? And I'm like, ah, I'm just getting fucked up. I'm looking at buying some stills online and they're like,

stills of what? Like pictures. And I'm like, no copper stills to make corn mash whiskey. Like what? Don't you live in student housing? You live in an apartment? And I'm like, yeah.

I figured I would just put it in my bathtub, and I could call it Jake's Juice. You start making up names. You take the fantasy so far. Oh, yeah, like you look at bottle designs and stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. I was like, I would call it Jake's Jugs, or Jake's Juice or something, like the jug. I would like, I would call it Jake's Jugs or like Jake's Juice or something like the jug.

I would make like a funny redneck name for it. And it would be the best corn mash whiskey that anyone ever had. And I would sell it to my friends who have jobs who go to the liquor store to buy alcohol. And they would not buy alcohol from their friend who three months ago stopped doing cocaine. from their friend who three months ago stopped doing cocaine like they're not like they're not gonna buy fucking like homemade corn mash whiskey from the most like mentally ill friend in the group it's just even the ones that are still close with me if i was like hey man i made some whiskey they would be like you need to get back on lithium i don't know why you ever stopped if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, all those... This type of fantasy...

Do you know the musician James McMurtry? He's a country musician. He's got that song Choctaw Bingo. I don't know who the fuck that is. Okay. It doesn't matter.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is there's like certain songs that'll like play in the car i'm on the way to cvs to get like ephedrine like pseudofed for my cold but it'll be a song about like a moonshining cowboy like a 50 year old outlaw country song i'm in my nissan ultimate i'm like yeah i'm on the way to get some pseudofed i'm an outlaw too like like i do it i do it specifically i do it with old country and then like new country like sturgill and james mcmurtry and tyler like like songs about like you know fucking coal miners and you're like yeah i work in the mines like my life my life is fucking. The digital mines.

Yeah, I'm a down-home hard fucking hard dick warrior who works in the mud. It's like, no, I work from my couch. I'm a huge pussy. But it's that type of fantasy that I think is good. Like, maladaptive fantasy world. I never really – I knew that I sold cocaine small time. I never really like had any – but I had a roommate who was like, yeah, you know, I'm moving a lot of weight these days.

I got to keep my profile low. That's the one I told you about who like would buy an ounce and then smoke half of it and then move the other half over the course of like two and a half weeks dessert would make like 85 dollars profit at max you know and he's like yeah shit's just getting really hot dude he uh my the like my first girlfriend i had when i was in college she like would text me and she's like hey can i can i buy weed from your roommate i'm like yeah yeah sure no problem uh here's his number um but you can't text him because he he claims that the dea and the atf monitor his stuff or they're like they watch all of our like texts and phone calls um so you have to call him and she was was like, I'm not, I'm going to text him for weed. We live in Austin, Texas.

Like I'm going to text him for a gram of weed and I'm not going to call him on the phone. And I was like, all right, your funeral. And again, you know, buck 20 soaking wet, like five, three, uh, she would call me like upset. She's like, uh, so I texted, uh, you know, so-and-so for weed and he called me weed, and he called me stupid and an idiot and yelled at me on the phone for 20 minutes saying that he's going to go to prison forever because she had texted him about a cram of weed. And I looked in front of him.

I was like, hey, man, I'm not trying to yuck your yum or nothing. I know you've got a really big enterprise going here, and the Zetas are on your tail. The cartel is really hunting your ass down, and so is the DEA. Can you not, like, yell at my friends and my girlfriend when, you know, they want to buy weed from you or whatever? And he's like, I just, you know, can't be too careful these days, bro. He would sell, like, a pre-roll, like, out of his car. car like he would get out of the car and be like

all right yeah take yeah y'all bet y'all gotta get out of here for real like y'all can't stay what the fuck are we doing here dude yeah or uh guys who would like give you special instructions for like whenever you got to the parking lot or whatever yeah it'd be like a 20 transaction and they're like yeah don't park even anywhere close to me you know okay walk half a mile get in the trunk get in the trunk and i'm going to leave in a different car and in the glove box it'll be locked you have to find the key it's under a different car there's half a gram of weed

and don't smoke it don't smoke it don't smoke on the way home don't smoke when you get home wait a couple months you need to leave the five dollar bill in a boot that's going to leave the five dollar bill in a boot that's gonna be under the way take it dude i used to fucking try and be generous with my friends whenever i'd like flip stuff like you know like little stuff or whatever and then i

would just like grossly miscalculate yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And give them like just like something I wouldn't even reserve for myself. Like one time I was trying to be generous and I accidentally gave a guy like half an ounce extra and he had given me like $30. I was like, yeah, have some. Have some more.

Hey, bro, bugger, yeah. And then he like didn't even stay and hang out with me. Like he wasn't, he didn't like me. I was just like, yeah. And then I was like, oh, well. That's fine. It comes around, though, because I used to do that shit.

I would go to Coke dealers' houses who were shut-ins and be like, hey, bro, here's your eight ball or whatever. You want to stay, reel some lines, just hang out a bit? I got some people coming over. And, of course, there, you know, here's your eight ball or whatever. Like you want to stay real, some lines, just like hang out a bit. Like I got some people coming over and of course there was never anybody coming over. But I would, at that point I was like,

I'm not going to say no to free yak. And you just end up having the dumbest conversation with the dumbest man you ever met in your whole life. The whole time you're trying to leave. But I would do that shit where I was like, I would have the eight ball or I would have the quarter or whatever the fuck I had and then you know people would come over uh to like to the house and you know I'd be like oh yeah here's your gram or whatever hey you want to break something down like hang out and they'd be like oh yeah I mean you can you could break some down for sure I don't know about the

second part like I don't know about the second half of that and they would you know we would run through like a gram and a half together like dude i really gotta go away from you you nothing about this situation is you know i was gonna do cocaine at a house party with my friends and i'm just in this kind of like apartment with the windows like shuttered like we had stapled we had nailed black curtains to the windows to just always have it like party mode in there we had like this one little shitty strobe light that we had. And we realized that if we wanted to get fucked up during the day, we couldn't really have like a true party. So we just blacked out all the windows with black sheets.

This is like halfway through our time living there. And we were like, oh, yeah, it's just a 24-7 party. That's all it is, baby. And people will come over and be like, why are all the fucking windows blacked out? And it's like, oh, we got this strobe light from the dollar store. It doesn't look good when there's, like, sun coming in through the windows and shit. What a fucking stupid life. It's not necessarily just exclusively mine, but just, like like putting yourself through stuff like that is so unnecessary.

I mean, it gives you like a bit of an edge to you, which I guess is fun, you know. But like, have you ever talked with somebody who didn't and you kind of like, maybe you're telling a story or referencing something and they just have genuinely no idea what you're talking about? It's like, yeah, giving a guy a free half ounce of weed somebody's like why would you why would you do something like that man did you buy green slime did you have too much green slime today i did have too much green slime today but you know at the end of the day i think uh you know everybody has times in their lives where they're a little bit unhinged or whatever you know um so for some people it's later you know they that's true you know they just that's very true dude you know their sauce yeah when they're younger dude i think i've talked good first you

know cancer diagnosis or whatever suddenly somebody understands being a little mentally unwell i uh i'll i'll like hang out with friends of friends and somebody who's like not in my friend group but is like in a adjacent friend group who's close to my age maybe you know 27 28 whatever their late 20s would be like yeah I just tried cocaine for the first time last weekend. You know? And in my mind, you know, having, I guess, gotten that out of the way early, I was like, dude, 28 is like not when you start doing blow. In my view.

That's not... Like, if I hear, dude, I just fucking tried Vicodin for the first time, and you're like 20, you're like almost 30. There's nothing... I'm not saying anything against you. I'm not judging. I am. That's when you're like, it's over. You don't start doing shit.

You can't be doing stuff like that. Yeah. If you got kids or something. No, you can't just try Hydros this weekend. You know what I mean? Yeah, good point. I'm saying if you don't have kids, if you're just cruising and hanging out, but it's still dangerous.

I feel like when you're 17, 18, 19, I mean, I let it go on a little longer, but when you're in your early 20s, it's like, what are you? I mean, I had bills and shit like I do now, but I was, you know, you could bounce back. It's like, are you really're gonna go to a kickback Like you're at a 28 year old party You're not at like a kegger you know what I mean Like you're not at like a fucking

Like a rager Like it's 10 people you know who don't have kids And aren't married it's the last You know the last of the Mohicans Yeah You're gonna start doing ketamine When you're 33 pop a foot you're gonna start doing ketamine when you're 33 yeah

you're gonna get grandfathered in with ketamine if you do it before like 27 or whatever you can do it again but I've got a narrow window where I'm like I don't really want to try it I don't think I will it's not great

it sounds like something that can make you go crazy and i know yeah i know i've tried other stuff that could but i'm saying i think i'm about maxed out on things i can try that sort of almost do it without just going insane yeah yeah very good point i feel like i could just have a lot of bad days in a row and then become clinically insane like I've got things under control don't get me wrong

it's just like when you're younger you don't see the pathway you know you're like how do people even get addicted to drugs you know okay I could do I've never been addicted to cocaine but if i do

it two more times in my life yeah even if it's 10 years apart i think that's it for me because i kind of yeah the first time i hated it the second time i didn't really like it third time i kind of liked it and then i then i tried it again fourth time. I thought, this is a bit much. And so I thought, hey, I think what I'm about to become is a guy who does cocaine, which I cannot afford to be that economically or friendship-wise. So, you know, because I didn't have any friends who I had a couple of friends who did, but they were kind of like. In overlapping circles, I guess, but it was never like an OK thing to be right. It's it was it was so prevalent in my friend group that it was like it. Obviously, it wasn't encouraged to.

Right. No, I'm just saying, like, if you're... There are certain drugs that I think don't have a lifespan. Stuff like mushrooms. Like, old people do mushrooms. Old people smoke weed. You know, like, I'm talking about people in their 40s and shit. Yeah. You know, like, they did edibles and, like, you know, God knows with the opiate crisis, everybody loves a good Perk 30 every now and then.

I mean, who the fuck don't? You know what I'm saying? But I think at a certain age, you kind of know what you're cut out for. You know what I mean? No, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Like I think I'm like a beer and maybe like you know a little

weed or whatever and then like maybe mushrooms like once or twice a year if that I think that's where I kind of like I don't think I don't think I need to go any further than that I always tell Ashley I'm like man i would love to do acid

again and she's like what and i'm like oh i'm not going to i i'm done like i can't do it anymore if there's to your point if there was one thing that i think would like like actually oh yeah dude because like the last time i ever did it was before i ever was like okay i'm not doing drugs anymore it was like that was a big for me the the last time i ever did it i was like okay i'm not doing drugs anymore it was like that was a big for me the the last time i ever did it i was like okay i think i need to like at least be uh have moments of sobriety like not get high right yeah in the morning and stuff like that you know what i mean yeah like at work yeah yeah like yeah i think of how i tried to get through college while also getting high at 7 a.m every day and i'm like how did you think your day was gonna go

did you think you were gonna start off with success and in my head i was like well i get anxious so i have to it's like yeah you fucking start off your day with an energy drink and adderall fucking start off your day with an energy drink and adderall and fucking a dab cart and a beer it's like that's not gonna work dude you can't remember i would see how many churros i could eat i would have meals that were only churros and then i'd be like damn dude my depression is getting so bad god fucking god my curse my horrible curse is on me and i would literally do i think i ate 27 churros in a sitting i think that was my record and i remember being so proud of myself and i looked over and there was another table next to me because i was at my own table it was just me table next to me of like regular dudes was

looking at me like they had just watched a guy like slit his wrist or something they were like astonished I wasn't even honestly that was a high point for me because I worked up to that I think at first I was in the teens somewhere right then

you know i really like you know did intermittent fasting or whatever and i got up there but yeah yeah yeah yeah i was able to get it under control yeah i uh there was a moment like a good i would say a good two years of college i think my junior and senior year i would go to the cafeteria because i had uh like through one of my scholarships i was able to like always just sort of have a meal plan like typically it's only for like freshmen and sophomores but i kept it as an upperclassman because i was so broke and it was basically how i ate food like while i was in school and i would go get um there's a there's a soda company i forget what what they're called there in Austin,

but they have this drink called the Pink Drink, and it's a prickly pear lemonade. They have it at Torchy's and shit. Yeah. So good. I would get a big prickly pear lemonade and then like a fucking salad or something, because I was watching my figure. I was trying to be healthy. But I would sit in the back of the cafeteria every day around noon,

and I'd have my chicken salad, salad and i get my big pink drink and then i would pull out a flask of um what's the el toro tequila it's like the six dollar tequila that like yeah like you could yeah and i would i would pour like the whole flask into the pink drink and i just stirred around my finger and then i would you know get after it uh and uh i do remember there was i was like this like group of people that were sick because again stuff like the churro incident and uh pink drink tequila it's a solo table endeavor you're not hey you guys want to come sit over here like you guys you guys want to come sit like i don't really have anybody to sit with but i'm like a super chill guy you guys

want to come over here and sit with me you You look like you've seen a ghost, man. No, I was remembering how fucking good those churros were. Anyway, the fucking, I was like, just looked over and somebody was like, giving me like a, I was like, oh, it's tequila. And they were like, yeah, they just gave me like a thumbs up. And was like yeah i've just you know i just finished class like i was trying to explain my i'm an alcoholic

that's what i do yeah i'm a yeah i'm a i'm a alcoholic and a drug addict and everybody in my life uh is really mad at me constantly all the time. This is a cry for help. Yeah. Yeah. Cry for help. Public cry for help. Yeah, can you please drive me home? Or really to just like a church or like a rehab center.

Something like that would be super sick. Hey, last kid kid. Yeah. Yeah, hey, my mom had me at 16. She didn't know what she was doing. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, my mom had me at 16. She didn't know what she was doing.

My dad, he just kind of worked on a tugboat, and then he just showed up for a little bit, and then he had stuff to do. You know, that's just kind of like. I remember my first roommate in college, his dad bailed on him completely to go to prison for a very long time. And so we kind of like bonded over and we would get into heated debates when we were drunk it was like what is what's worse having a dad that's not around at all or having a dad that like every couple months is like hey what's up like he's like well i mean at least he's like on the one hand you got to hang out with your dad and you

guys did dad son stuff together right and i was I was like, Oh, I mean, we, uh, we hung out in parking lots and drink beer and his forerunner. I mean, I guess, you know, he's like, yeah,

you know, my dad sold meth and now he's in prison for like forever, I think. And we would have these heated, like, and again, what the end result was, we know there's no right answer to that debate.

And of course, when it, when we did it, when we would get drunk and do it around people who were like why don't the fuck is wrong with you two hey could you guys think of literally anything else to talk about yeah i mean talk about a lose-lose situation you know like oh you know yeah my dad you, he sends me letters from jail sometimes. I'm like, that's nice. My dad, he came to visit and we went to the drive-thru liquor joint where you get the drink that has the tape on the straw hole.

It says, don't drink this. And my dad taught me this really cool trick. So you go up and you order from the drive-thru alcohol joint and the lady says, you're not allowed to drink this. She has to by law. And you go, 100%. I'm going to wait until I get home. And my dad taught me this really nifty trick. When you drive off, you drink it.

You break the tape seal, and you drink that drink anyway on the way home. It's probably one of the coolest tricks my dad ever taught me. I'm trying to butt in, and I'm like, yeah, my dad didn't let me watch Scooby-Doo. He said it was too worldly. Yeah.

They're like, did he die? No, he's a good man. He's a really good guy. Yeah, he can't really say much negative things but you know he could be stern never you know never abusive but stern and they're like yeah isn't that just what a dad is

in some ways you're right well he was taller than me growing up so yeah but you guys have like you have you have what am i thinking you have like almost like lord of the rings style lore where like like a hundred episodes ago you were

like yeah we were we were mennonite for a couple years like that like that is that is is lore like that's dad lore like when you start learning like even if your dad was a good dad and like an otherwise well-adjusted guy oh no they were i mean they were horrible people growing up but i mean that's not my parents they were okay but like they were just fucking like we grew up with like puritan families basically that makes yeah yeah yeah tell me basically that makes yeah yeah yeah it's like tell me like like we would go we would go on like a church say like camping trip or something and there would be a guy who was just trying to big dick big dick everybody else would be like should we pray for an hour before we go on the kayak and then everybody has to be like yeah yeah that sounds, that sounds good. Yeah, we should do that.

And he's like, should I lead? Should I lead? Oh, okay, yeah, I'll lead it. And, dude, you ever meet somebody in church who, like, fucking, like, the way that they pray is, like, you're like, dude, you're hamming this up a little bit. Yeah, no, yes. Like, whenever they're doing it to impress you. You're hamming this up a little bit. Yeah.

No. Yes. Like whenever they're doing it to impress you. I never felt like that was usually the case. But whenever you hear it, you can fucking hear it for sure. This guy would be like, he would be like, God. Our beloved God. Like his pauses would be so long.

I'm like, dude, you better fucking get this out of the way. All right. I'm trying to go swim Trying to go fucking swim Trying to get into two And he's like our beloved Sacred master With the all reigning Power of the thousand

Mighty staffs From the twelve nations of Judea With your reign Descending from the highest throne. I'm like, like the intro would be like fuck it. I'm talking 10-12 minutes for the intro. I'm waiting for the fucking beat to drop. And then his actual

prayer is like stand with us. Walk with us. Be us. Let us be you. I love that tone yeah that tone right there let us walk

let us walk in your let us walk in your footsteps Lord let us be let our eyes be your eyes that cadence is so is so annoying

God the fuck I want you God to show us what it means to be on it means to be where you are. Wherever you may be. Everywhere that you is.

God. The children are going on a tube today, God. I beg of your eternal peace and forgiveness to keep these children safe, Lord, just to keep them safe, to keep them above the water for a long time. And to keep them because, God, God, you created the waters in which we raft, the clouds that bring the rain that goes into the lake. And God, if you could just keep these boys from drowning. But if it's your will, when they say something, they don't want to happen, but they have to add the caveat. Yeah, they say it's okay.

If it's your will, Lord. Yeah. Lord, if it's your will to kill my wife and kids in a drowning accident and leave me lonely and back to drinking again, Lord, if that's your will, I'm merely a vessel, God. God, if you are calling me to leave my family and go marry a 19-year-old, then that's what your message is. God, if you want me to stop embezzling from the church,

please let me know. Until then, I will follow what I understand to be your mission for my family, which is moving to Tampa. Moving to Highland Park. And buying my wife a white on white G-Wagon Lord because that really if you think about it God your chariot was the original

G-Wagon and I am merely needing a wagon to take my family up to where Jay is oh God if it be your ever-divine holy moly one million love please protect under this car and make the smoke go awesome wherever the awesome smoke be,

all in the building, make it be clouds. Make there be... God, if you could just... I know that my house is on fire right now, God, and my wife is burning alive, but just... God, if you could just make the fire go out the window when the firemen come with hose god that would just that would be so great and i

would be such a thankful servant of your holy word god but if it's your will to let my family god if it's your will to let them burn and die horrifically and slowly due to smoke inhalation, my baby boy, then, then I, I will prostrate myself before the Lord. Um, because I'm, I'm just, I am nothing. I'm dirt beneath your feet. There was a, um, I don't know if I've told the story here when I worked with my dad at the plant, we would go into the, every morning, we'd get there at 5.30, and then from like 6 to 6.30, we would have our safety meeting,

which was like, hey, don't do anything unsafe. And then immediately when the meeting's done, you're asked to do 10 things that are just straight up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But there was this, he was the crane supervisor he was above all the foreman his name was spanky he was like the crane soup and he was this fucking big fat duck dynasty looking motherfucker and i don't know if he if he if his calling in life was

to go to seminary nothing about the safety meeting was inherently spiritual like no and everybody hated that he did this but he was really tight with the with the site supervisor billy and so he would do whatever the fuck he wanted so he would go up there and dude he would do a sermon about like uh like uh like bull riggers and crane operators like hell yeah by lord he'd be like lord every, every day, us crane operators and the riggers out there, we come and we put our lives on the line to get this job done. And, Lord, if you could just make it to where me and my boys, we put up 10,000 pounds of iron an hour, and it's flying all around, Lord, and it's not safe.

And I have seen and I have heard tragedy, Lord. Tragedy has befallen many a job site I've been on, but dude, he would do this shit, same as your guy. That's what I was thinking when you were saying, like 10 minutes would go by and he'd be like, I remember 1982, Lord, you saved me. I was bringing up a big old piece of pipe and the wind caught it a certain way

and I just knew I was gonna come meet you, Lord, but you kept me here for another 30 years for which i do not understand he would sometimes get like he would talk about a near-death experience he had on a plant and then he would say i don't know why you kept me here lord as like showing his hand a little bit like i was ready to die but you know you kept me around i can't figure out the god damn i don't know why i'm still here i still had to declare bankruptcy three months later thank you god for that i was looking at i was looking forward to my bitch wife taking half of my money before i fucking you know god, God, if I fucking kill myself, my kids don't get the goddamn life insurance policy. And I was hoping that that big piece of steel would come through the fucking window and just take me the fuck out.

But you can't be here, God. Honestly, God, I wish you would have swapped me out with my wife in that moment and let me watch from the sky. See her get turned into a big jar of tomato paste he would do that shit dude for like half an hour and then like the site supervisor would be like off to his left just like kind of doing the thing where he's like trying to find the moment to take the mic you know and like all right okay all right all right spanky all right and uh it's just funny to uh it's very funny to describe a tragedy that could befall you like while you're saying a prayer and then just be like if it happens though you know i'll i'll figure it out you know i i am

unwavering in my faith. Remember as a kid, we're hearing shit like that. Like, you know, if God, when a hurricane hit, we went to church. And the pastor would be like, there's a big tropical storm coming, everybody. And, you know, the mayor wants us to be afraid of this. But are you guys afraid no why aren't y'all afraid you got the power of lord on your side don't you amen yeah it's like fuck yeah i remember i was like 12 and i was like god is not gonna stop flash flooding we are one foot above sea level we live 20 minutes from Galveston Bay

Okay This is And sure enough Fucking like half my neighborhood Was like under three or four feet of water Or whatever the fuck And uh And I remember

Yeah That next Sunday Like you're in church Waist deep in sewage water And you're like The one lady who only exclaims like that she only like the way she talks like during sermons is the only way she talks

like is she okay yeah amen yes sir preach you tell her it would piss me the fuck off because I, like, again, just the little moments in your life where you're like, I think I'm being scammed.

I think I'm being lied to. Yeah. A lady who just got divorced is like, hey, man, that's fucking right. Yeah, I'm telling you, you think I'm going to board my windows up? I'm not afraid of no storm. You think I'm going to go get firewood and meals ready to eat from the army that's in the parking lot two minutes from my house? No, I'm not.

You think I'm getting baby formula? No. You think I'm going to get baby food for my baby? The Lord provides for my baby. You think I'm going to unchain my pit bull in the yard? No way. You think I'm going to bring my cat?

He's got a two foot chain on him. Yeah, he'll be fine. If he drowns, it's the Lord's will. Yep. Do you think I'm going to bring my cats inside?

I left my son outside to play two weeks ago. That's the Lord's problem. That ain't mine. We'd fucking, we would sit there. You think I'm going to, do you think i'm gonna uh do you think i'm gonna uh do this is a shy church lady whenever the the preacher says something uh

uh do you um yeah uh yeah preacher uh do you do you think she wants to be she wants to be the sort of exuberant, high-energy churchgoer? Amen. Do you? The lily of the valley. I'm sorry. I don't even. How about shy uh baptist preacher uh y'all um whenever uh whenever the lord so whenever the lord cometh he bring uh well i guess what he mostly bringeth with

with him is where uh and i don't you know, but fire and brimstone. Yeah. I guess. So. If you guys want to, you don't have to, but if you could open up Ephesians. I'm not saying that you got to do anything. I don't want, you know, I'm not a that you've got to do anything. I don't want... I'm not a pushy guy or anything like that.

I'm not one of them preachers. I'm just doing like gay southern preacher. If you guys want to open up Micah, that's okay with me. But you don't have to open up... If you want me to go home and kill myself, I'll do that. Yeah.

Just for you. Dude, the ones who were like yeah giving it all i'm i fucking got up here yeah when we like preaching anymore the altar calls were the best dude because that's when you dude publicly airing out your family shit you never quite got details but you got filled in from all the other gossips at the church but you know some lady would would it's like you know the pastor's like that the fucking band's playing g and c over and over again real soft it's like if anybody's got something that's just weighing on their heart and and you and you praying and you praying and it won't seem like the lord don't seem like the lord's hearing you. I promise he is. But if you just need a little extra encouragement,

I encourage you to just come up and let the congregation know what's weighing on your heart. Somebody, you know, a guy come up there and be like, oh, you know, I just feel like I've been, I am ashamed,

but I've been drinking again. You know, not necessarily, it's like I've got old habits and, you know, amen and God loves you i've got old habits and you know you know amen and god loves you inevitably one of those women would stand up be like um i just want i want to pray for donna's son he um he he don't come to church no more but he's been living a lifestyle and we all know who donna's son is donna's son is the gayest

man that you've ever like i grew up with donna's son right like i knew donna's son when he was in sixth grade and he was gay then and then the lifestyle he's living is he just moved to new york to do musicals like it's not like they talk about it as if he's like a heroin addict so yeah yeah but really he makes ninety thousand dollars a year as a creative director right yeah yeah he's like his life is awesome he's got a boyfriend and a dog he's got a nice brownstone in manhattan yeah like like uh i like it my some of my family will talk about my like uh my lesbian aunt like she's like been homeless for her whole life but she's like a warehouse manager i'm pretty sure she's like yeah there's she's never done it she's like been homeless for her whole life but she's like a warehouse manager i'm pretty sure

she's like yeah there's she's never done it she's not like she's never had like a drug problem or anything she's just yeah a gay woman like she's married yeah yeah yeah she's not fucking she's not prostituting you know it's like what's going on they talk about like they join the sith they have an evil lifestyle they're living and i the the the you know he's he's listening he's watching hamilton he's he's he's hanging out with some of the guys who work with the caterers on rupaul's drag race he said that was really cool to him he's got a red lights he's got a red lightsaber and a mask he's uh he talks funny now um he does magic he has powers of the force he uses the dark side you know my son has been addicted to interior decor since a young age and it's really weighed heavily on our family you know i don't know where he got it i mean good lord knows you know there's no clues around and the husband's like i just can't tell

you why honey i have no idea yeah it's either that i can't i really have no idea honey i mean we don't have anybody like that in our family and you know if they were i'm sure we'd know you know somebody would have gotten a hint by now but you know we used it's probably because a surrogate for him you know we used because i get scared yeah i was so terrified of of breaking my purity even after our marriage that i just knew that we had i had to have we had to do in vitro with another man's semen that i procured mysteriously and i'm still under trial for in my own marriage it's either the deeply closeted gay dad or the um interior it's like the homemaker mom who only had six rowdy sons and never got a daughter so it's just one of them it's like the homemaker mom who only had six rowdy sons and never got a daughter

so it's just one of them it's just one of them that she was like what if we played you know what if we played house what if your mommy's little helper I fucking love like the different ways that Christian families describe what is to me utterly mundane. I told you, anything that's not like Conway Twitty and then worship music is Slipknot. Like a movie with Jason Bateman will be really controversial. Within homeschooling moms like they'll be mad at a movie

that like nobody sees that was a big thing like going to public school and then like realizing that movies my parents were mad about was like not like my parents were mad about the Happy Feet movie because it was anti

global warming and they were pro global warming for a while The spirits were mad about the Happy Feet movie. Yeah, like, they're mad about... Because it was anti-global warming, and they were pro-global warming for a while. They were like, it's not fucking happening. It's not fucking... And that movie was about, like, ice melting when it gets warm. It wasn't even, like... It wasn't about, like... Dude, they fucking hated the Lorax.

Oh, man, that's awesome. They were like, yeah, well, they don't want wood being chopped down. Oh, I guess they like trees. Yeah. I remember as a kid being like, okay. All right. I think the Happy Feet thing was one of the first things where I was like, I think they're kind of full of shit. I think.

Yeah. Because that's a movie. That's a musical for penguins yeah it's about penguins dancing and singing the only message is as it's only made for people who attend the oscars it's like he's got like hugh jagman doing like musical black guy voice stuff. Yeah. It's just, it's just like, Hey, but not a big dog. I'm the,

but yeah, it's, it's, yeah. Yeah. That was a very, that's not fucking, that movie is not culturally relevant at all anymore,

but that was a big movie. I think it was. And I, but it does speak to how ideologically pure at one point your parents were, if they're like happy feet and we can't, sorry. Oh yeah. like what we can't do that fuck happy feet my mom was was pretty like she didn't she was pretty run-of-the-mill she didn't like me i i still watched it but like because it was like uh it was the same thing where mom would be like you don't need to be watching south park and like my dad was a big george carlin fan and you know like my mom would

come in and my dad would like be watching carlin and Carlin's like what about pussy farts anybody remember when women used to fought out of that put you know whatever and my mom would be like you know you can't watch this shit with with Jacob around and then you know like my mom was like no South Park no George Carlin you know whatever and then my dad be like hey do you want to watch South Park for like nine and a half hours? I'd be like, yeah, that sounds pretty good. But, yeah, you don't. You get like, like, I remember my Meemaw. And that's how the fucking, the stupid ass names that we give the old people in our lives.

I had a great aunt named Bobo. She was pretty awesome uh just shaking your head with this give me your fucking relative dog names yeah this was my uncle doofus he he used to he actually wasn't my blood uncle he's worked for doodo, and Dodo really liked him. So Dodo started calling him. Dodo is my mom's aunt. Yeah, this is my Aunt Bum. Aunt Bum Bum. This is my great uncle Ginko. He's a really good guy.

He's related to Bunky. This is my stepdad. His name is Doopy. Doopy's awesome. this is my stepdad. His name is Doopie. Doopie's awesome. It's my stepdad. It's like introducing old people. You can do it that way, but if it's a younger family member, that is funny to me. Hey, this is my stepdad.

He's my new dad. I'm 28 years old. This is my stepdad Doopie. I've been thinking about how people try and bring back names? You know, like, you try and stay ahead of the curve naming-wise so your kid can have a unique name. But, like, a cool unique name. I'm just going back to, like, southern people in their 60s names, if that makes sense like linda and like like uh theodore scott cecil yeah like just just like like your kid you're like yeah this is my son craig frederick uh willhelm

like it might so uh i didn't know this uh but my my great-grandfather's brother so i guess my great great great uncle i don't fucking know how that shit works uh he what was his fucking uh his name was mutt that's what they called him and uh he died on d-day he like died you know like and the the the fuck he was storming the beaches of normandy or whatever the fuck and uh i was like trying to read about the family tree or whatever and somewhere in france i'm assuming his body's not in the dirt but there's a fucking somewhere in the beautiful hillside of france where they have all of the american soldiers that died on d-day they have like a great shot there. There's a little pole with a plaque on it that says Mutt Rhodes.

I want to travel so badly. Not because I don't know who that motherfucker was. He died when he was 19 and before I was even a concept in the universe. But that's an awesome name, Mutt. Yeah. I don't know his actual name. I was making fun of you, but I have a great Uncle Dub.

That's awesome. But you know why he's called Dub? Why? It's because his middle initial is a W. Oh, okay. That tracks. That's not fucking... That sucks. His name is John.

They call George Bush W know like i guess but anyway he was the uncle who this was five years ago at my grandma's funeral so he's my great uncle he was my grandma's uh little brother he went up and dude i'd never seen this i've only ever seen this dude once it was that time i thought he dead. I thought that was a general consensus. This dude is dead, for sure. There's an old person you've never heard of. He's dead, typically. Named Dub.

Yeah. Dub is dead. That's the name of a dead guy, for sure. Yeah, Dub and Mutt are both super dead. Those are both dead guys. That's like when you hear about a guy whose name was Horace. He's fucking dead. No chances he's still alive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway, dude, he fucking comes up. Yeah, he comes up after my great aunt. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? He's like, I am Dub. I was, my sister has passed away and uh mary will be missed by some by um most who knew her and unfortunately both bobby you know my sister and i we will both be following her soon

yeah i've heard that one before yeah both of them are still alive my great aunt's like 91 now and he's got to be like 88 89 neither of them has died somehow and at this point nobody's like come on hang in there at a certain point at a certain stage of being old i'm not wishing death upon anybody but at a certain stage of being old it's like all right you know you can hang out for as long as you want but your duty i mean your duty is done when you hit 90 for sure your duty is done before then but if you hit 90 it's like yeah like if you want to keep living you can but like wrap it up nobody's gonna be mad at you for dying at all wrap it up yeah when you hit 85 it's like all right welcome to the bonus years because nobody expects to live past 85 i don't think i don't if i do that's cool but

i'm not gonna be like damn you know like it's not a competition you just you're blessed with as many years as you get but at a certain point it's like when you can't eat normal food anymore right to me to me that's when it's time to go if i can, like if it hurts to eat really bad every time and then I like shit myself as I eat and then like my butt. If picking up a sandwich hurts really bad, I'm probably going to kill myself. You're pissing blood 50% of the time. And there's no known cause for it.

Like there's no cause. It's just your old. I never understood fundamentally. There's a lot of healthy people who have that too, but that's just you're old. Yeah. I mean... I never understood fundamentally... There's a lot of healthy people who have that, too, but that's not that big of a deal. When someone in my family... It's good for you. Someone in my family died...

Yeah. When someone in my family died, they were old. My mom would be like, oh, he died of old age. And I'd be like, that's not... Like, I know that he's old, but, like, old motherfuckers die of shit.

Like, they die of things. Like, my like my great grandfather just had an aneurysm that he knew about like 10 years ago. And he was like, I don't give a fuck no more. Bye bye. And then he lived for another 10 years. Same with my grandmother. Oh, I was going to tell you my mom. This was like two or three months ago. So my great grandfather, his brother that died in World War II,

he had like a whole mess of kids. Sorry, he had a whole mess of siblings. He had like 11 or 12 of them. They were from a really small area in Mississippi. And that's just what you did when you were like sharecroppers, I think. Because you just had kids because they had to work the farm. And I don't know if they were sharecroppers.

I think they were just poor. But anyway, she sent me a screenshot of a Facebook group that was like Mississippi World War II veteran, you know, memorial dinner. And it was for all the people that were, that had died either in the war or after.

And there was a handful of motherfuckers that were still kicking. And it was my great grandfather who's been dead 13 years now. It was his oldest brother, Marshall. I don't remember. A hundred and two. Damn.

A hundred and two. And it was a picture of him. She said she was like, look, it's your great, great. Oh, you know, dude, he's like he looks like a lizard, dude. He's so fucked up dude you get to a certain age you don't look like anybody you don't look like you know what i mean yeah you don't even look like a fucking person anymore after a hundred yeah you don't resemble anything at all i had i had a fucking teacher in high school walk into class one day and be like i'm

sorry guys if i see him down. I've been out of class lately because my father died. Yeah. We were all like, damn, I'm so sorry. It's terrible. And she was like, yeah, he was 104. And we were all instantly like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck about him?

Nobody's dad is living that long, dude. Some of us don't have dads. Fuck you. She was like, yeah, he was still running half marathons when he died. I'm like, fuck you. Shut the fuck up. Fuck him. I hope he dies again.

I hope he dies twice. Fuck you. I don't care, Howie. I don't care if he's tripped over a brick. He's gone. He should have mourned 20 years ago dude imagine you're old enough to go and fight in world war ii with no deployments you go to war and you're there till the war's over and you're just in berlin and you're just in france from

like 1940 whatever the fuck to like 1945 and 1945. And then when Vietnam rolls around, you're fucking 40. Like your youth's behind you. You got probably two kids. Maybe they're in high school. Maybe they're about to graduate. And then Vietnam rolls around. Or sorry. Yeah.

No, Korean Wars before Vietnam. Desert Storm. Right, yeah. We're fighting the fucking, the Mujahideen, and we're funding them, and we're fighting the Ruskies. And you're 70. You're like, goddamn. Dude, the Twin Towers are still twinkling in the fucking skyline. Them motherfuckers ain't going down for another 13 years.

And you're like, fuck, I'm 72. Or, yeah, yeah i'm 72 years old and i'm old as fuck and then 9-11 happens and you're 95 you're like holy fucking shit or you're you're 90 sorry you're like god damn that sucks or whatever you're you know i i think he's still alive and she sent me that screenshot a little while ago so i think he's probably 103 now that's too much life like i don't want to i i'm not necessarily afraid of dying i'm afraid of becoming an invalid but a death i'm not necessarily afraid of but that's so much life like if you see world war ii you see jfk die you see mlk die you see malcolm x die you see freddie i'm sure he was torn up about yeah i'm sure he was torn up about freddie murphy my great great uncle from mississippi yeah i'm sure he's like no not malcolm x no not

freddie murphy malcolm fuck i really liked them No, like, I think you had a, you're 85 point, that's good. That's bonus years. But once you hit 100, it's like, okay, what the fuck are we doing here? You like, you prestige up every, like, two years after that. No, I mean, I, my great-grandmother lived to be 101 or 103 and i didn't even realize she was i was so young i didn't even really realize she was a person yeah and that sounds bad but she was so frail she like she was like non-verbal yeah yeah and her hair was super short and um she's an old as fuck and she would always sleep she couldn't walk my great granddad she was

fine i mean i'm not saying like damn she was lame as fuck but i was like i didn't really understand what she had going on i kind of thought she was immortal yeah whenever she died i was like she could die people die yeah weird my great grandfatherfather, I mean, we grew up like five miles from a chemical plant, and he grew a bunch of shit in the soil in his backyard, which was just tainted with, like, benzene. I mean, he still ate the shit that came from it, so fuck it. He lived to be almost 100 years old. But anyway, he grew up in abject poverty.

He was born in 1919. He grew up in abject poverty in Mississippi. Dirt fucking poor. No money. Used to fucking like shake people down that were walking down the street like after the Great Depression for like the last piece of hard tack they had. And anyway, he, whenever I would, my mom, she dropped me off over there a lot. She kind of bounced me around when she was really young because she was like a 19-year-old mom, 20-year-old mom with a 4-year-old kid.

And I just had places I had to stay. So I would stay with him sometimes. And I remember some of my first memories of him making me breakfast. At that time, I want to say, this was, this would have been probably right around 2000.

So he would have been 81. And he would serve me his breakfast. We would eat the same breakfast. And it would be like a sleeve of stale crackers, bland grits. No butter, no salt, just grits. Like you've had grits before. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But no butter, no salt, salt No brown sugar Just like grain Slop Two slices of tomato That he grew in his backyard Which just tasted like Weird plastic metal Because of where we live

And then just like A little bit of lettuce And he's like We never spoke He'd be like Breakfast And I'd be like Okay thank you Hayes What's this And he'd be like Gr breakfast. I'd be like, okay, thank you, Hayes.

What's this? And he'd be like, it's grits. It's tomato. Lettuce. Biscuit. He was old enough that there's a certain old person in the South where biscuit and cracker, it's the English. It's still, he would call crackers biscuit.

Biscuit. Now, a biscuit, a biscuit though the breakfast biscuit same thing they were both biscuits but he didn't say cracker i don't know what the fuck anyway and he would hand it to me and i would have to sit there if you didn't like it if you like complained then you would hear him speak he's like i don't know 19 28 29 coming out of depression. I did it. You have to eat it with it. And I would be like, I know, I know. And then like,

as I got older, his depression stories, you just, old people, I feel like. You're like, shut up. You're like, shut up, great grandpa. I'm a drainer.

Yeah. Yeah. Great grandpa, have you ever heard of Klonopin? I'm a drainer. Yeah. Great grandpa, have you ever heard of Klonopin? I'm on it now at Christmas. I'm going to show you how to twerk. Yeah, yeah. Dude, hey, check this shit out, grandpa. I'm hooked on Perk.

Have you ever heard of Perk? Did they have that shit in Normandy, you fucking old bitch? Hey, grandpa, I just fucked a bass head. You know what that means? My girlfriend's a chicken head. You know what that means? Yeah. Cluck, cluck. You know what that means? My girlfriend's a chicken head. You know what that means, Grandpa? Yeah. Cluck, cluck.

You know what that means, Grandpa, you old bitch? Damn, you old as hell. How many wars you were in? Korea and World War II? Damn, you love war. Old stupid-ass war-fighting bitch. Damn, one for two, dumbass. Damn, you know how many wars I had to fight Zero

You got drafted You were working at the fucking tire shop Drinking mock milkshakes Trying to get pussy from a girl in a poodle skirt And they said time to go to Germany you old bitch You were fucking 18 years old I'm sure they would have lost without you dumbass Yeah

You were just trying to fang a a girl In the back of a Bel Air And they made you go to Korea To fight To fight fucking communists You old bitch All your friends got murked by spears All your friends got killed by fucking People who didn't know how to read

By people with slingshots and shit You got killed by pitchforks You got killed by illiterate communists You fucking loser. I heard they ran up on your homie with a fucking bo staff. Eviscerated. I heard that your homie got stabbed with a musket from fucking the First World War because that's all of it.

I heard your bitch got stolen by a dude who just had some nunchucks on him. Dude, I know we're running long, but that must have sucked, dude. The draft. You're just smoking weed. You work at your uncle's tire shop. You make a dollar a day. And hey, that's a good money at that.

Two bucks a day. And then some guy fucking rolls up on you and is like, you got to go to fucking Normandy. You know how many... Dude, imagine how fucking hard they went before they got deployed. Oh, my God.

They were probably killing people. Dude, they were probably... Dude, there were probably some assaults done for sure. Oh, 100%. Yeah, I'm about to be out of the country for four years, and I'm a guy who's willing to join the military. Yeah, I'm not going... That had to be pretty bad and it

was like fucking you know there's a world war that imagine how many 13 year olds got pregnant right before we landed that's why everybody that's why everybody was alive in the great depression and during world war ii is because all the moms were nine. Especially in the South where it just like you were basically like in the South, we had infrastructure kind of at that time. We were like two generations away from the Civil War. From uncontacted tribes. You know that tribe in the North Sentinelese people? We were like Reconstruction Era South.

There were parts of it that were like, like they were essentially uncontacted. But they're still getting drafted. We needed all the bodies. So like, yeah, early 1940s. Dude, if you know, if you knew that if you go to war, there's a solid. This is in the thick of it, man. Hitler's really crushing it out there. Not saying what he's doing is right, but he's doing a good job in terms of efficiency goes and he's winning and you all of your friends are dead you haven't heard

from them they were writing at first when they were doing push-ups before they got sent to war that's that trips me out too basic training now is like all right 12 weeks we're gonna teach you how to shoot we're gonna teach you how to do push-ups we're gonna teach you how to be tough as hell mentally you're gonna run fucking 100 miles a week. Basic training in World War II was like gun, shirt. You could go. Like go to war. Dude, every guy was busting raw for sure.

Yeah. If you're a man in a relationship, you are making your mark. You're trying to get out. You are putting a baby in there. And every girl that you lay eyes on. And you know. I guess that probably also happened. But you know if you die, she's going to fuck somebody else.

Yeah, that's true. The least you can do is make that guy raise your kid. Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah, you get the draft card you fly it's friday you're kicking back having some suds with the boys you guys been working on the fucking you know you've been working on the chevy all night saturday morning rolls around draft man comes gives you a card you fly out to the war on mond Saturday night you're gonna fuck all your friends you're fucking the

boys like what if there's no women around the girls are asleep the boys stay up and party the girls got to go to bed and think about fucking imagine imagine a guy dying in World War II while getting having gotten to zero pussy because that definitely happened dude imagine being incel and then you go to world war ii you're like this is my shot i'm gonna i'm gonna be fucking because you know that's the only reason audie murphy was putting up those numbers he was trying to get fucking pussy when he got back did you see how i actually i yeah dude i went to school with a dude who had a very funny relation to him he was the step great

grandson of Audie Murphy but he was not by blood and he would be like dude that's my fucking grandpa right there I don't think you get to have a step great granddad

maybe a step granddad if you know him but I don't think you get to have a step great granddad yeah maybe a step granddad if you know him yeah yeah but I don't think it's like you get the heritage it's just you have a dad again now who was like who in terms of war heroes was like John Wick of World War 2 right but it's like even if

I feel like we're enough generations away already to where it's like okay maybe if you're in the Marines, that's cool. But if you work at a car dealership, by chance, probably not the craziest story ever. A little off topic, but my first, like, the first, like, government class I had to take was on, like, I forget. It was just like civil government or whatever the fuck. And the old ass professor that taught it his hobby his like old ass motherfucker hobby was public records and he was just like really into ancestry and like not just his but just like

lineage so like he would talk about like you know the lineage of like you know like carl marx and you know like all these big people in history abraham lincoln and like you know apparently there's some lincolns that are still like uh that are direct descendants from him that are still like um successful in tennessee they have like their own anyway he was like a little side note um i tracked down the uh the great great great you know so on and so forth grandson of george washington interesting uh he works at the heb on south congress and he was like isn't that crazy you know i mean if this was england he would be he wouldn't have to do that like he thought he was sick but it was so the way he framed it was so depressing he's like if this was if we still had the crown you know he he would have be easy living but you

know he's he works at the heb just down the road from the university ain't that something just goes to show you you know and in my I was like, that guy probably thinks about killing himself. Because you know that guy knows. There's no way he doesn't know that his great-great-to-the-10-power granddad was George Washington. Yeah, that's one of the only cool stories you can have in America. Yeah. Like, every white guy's great-great-great-granddad owned a slave. But if you're George Washington,

you obviously don't get a pass, but at least that's a cool slave owner. Hey, guys, my great-grandfather... As far as they come, you know what I mean? My great-grandfather was Thomas Jefferson. Anyway, guys, this has been a 90-minute episode. I think this is the longest one I've ever done. Tight 90, you know what they say.

Action movies. I'm going to be a tight 90 when I get old. I'm going to be a tight 90 you know what they mean you know they say movies um that tight i'm gonna be a tight tight 90 when i get old yeah i'm gonna be a tight 90 year old little talk anyway if you listen to this that means it's free which means you probably haven't done the thing i need you to do because there's a lot of subs there's a lot of downloads on this show a lot of streams but there's there's less in fact we have already we have over a million listeners now. Thank you so much. I didn't make that up. That's one million people. That's one with over 100 zeros after it, and it means so much to us.

But we're going to need you to go to patreon.com slash pendejotime. Isn't that right, Jake? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You're going to patreon.com slash pendejotime. You're going to check out some of those tiers, because one of those, that's going to bring you tears of laughter when you sign up. Ooh, yeah, there we go.

There we go. Now we're cooking with peanut oil. Yeah, we're cooking. Because the $5 tier, that's going to get you a bonus episode every week, plus all of the extra cool shit, and you get Discord access. There's a lot of cool people in there, funny people, helping each other with love and laughter and getting jobs and shit. $10 a month gets you access to the video episode we got a whole backlog of those and the

bonus episodes going back two years um and those video episodes are a lot of fun we've been getting better at them uh but as we get better at them the longer it takes for us to make them so yeah you know sometimes it's okay because fuck you and quit fucking yelling at me. If you're mad about how long the video episodes take to get out, you don't know how much time I put into it and how much, you know, there's a, I got to download the audio for it. And I got to, you know, I got to send it to Jake. He's got to go on, you know, it takes over two hours to do every video episode editing wise

um something yeah you think about and i know you guys you guys only pay ten dollars a month for it so it's like yeah yeah anyway but you can get that and more on the patreon and uh if you don't want to you know i mean that's gonna be a big problem for us. Just keep pirating the episodes. I think somebody uploads them to YouTube, but that's all right. We love you guys. Thank you for listening. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.