Pendejo Time - machine pitch mafia

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

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Now listen, alright, I've been driving, I've been working the rig for 40 years, okay? And I have a question that I need answering. And nobody can provide no answer to me. I'm not, you know, I'm a forward-thinking man. It's 2021, a great year of our Lord. How come at every loves and every, you know, fucking truck stop

from here to goddamn Bozeman, the only things you can fuck out there are fat white women. I feel like you need to get a different type out there. We need to provide more opportunity. Are you suggesting like postmates for sisters i mean not necessarily i'm just saying you know i mean i've been having

fat white women in my in my bed in my camper for you know you know since the reagan administration i'm saying you know everybody wants to talk about equality. They want to talk about progression. And I see all this stuff in news media and people on TV, what were not on TV, you know, so many years ago or weren't supposed to be. And so I'm thinking, could you give some of that? What if I wanted a Chinese one night? Well, I'm right there with you, man. I mean, I can't can't have like vaginal

session no more after you know like i had that accident i cut my my pecker open on a can of grizzly wintergreen right you know those those lids are real sharp man because i like to chow down on that on that i like to eat the whole can i like to i feel you brother you just gotta chew the whole fucking can and you know because when i'm doing cuny lingus uh i like to eat the whole can sometimes. I feel you, brother. You just got to chew the whole fucking can. You know, because when I'm doing Cunha Lingus, I like to keep a dip in so I can spit back in it, and then she starts having a seizure a few minutes in. Right.

Because nicotine content. See, Cunha Lingus is a name I'd like to hear on the lot list. That's that gentlemanly fellow off of Roots. Yeah. Cunha Lingus. I got a bone to pick. Sing it, Jake. You know the rest of the song. I got a bone to pick.

All the light lizards in my yard are white women with BMI's of 39. I got a bone to pick. I don't want you silly fellas getting on my throne again. getting on my throne again. I'm thinking, you know, I'm thinking that if people want to talk about stimulus, truckers need to be stimulated. And if I have to fuck the same

sort of leopard skin thong fat white woman for another 40 years, I don't know if I got another 40 years left on this earth. And I'm thinking if I could just get me like a malaysian one or like you already said chinese you're right i'm sorry well i mean malaysians are like mexican chinese it was mexican asian yeah something like that well you know you looking – I used to be looking for middle-agents, and now I'm just middle-aging, you know. That's the way it happens. Oh, I don't care who you are.

That's funny right there. That's the way it happens. So, I mean, I think, you know, the way that – because I'm not – you know, people got a bad perception of truck drivers that were backwards or were, you know, socialist-stunted or just sort of like it's a job for sociopaths or something. But I have

feelings too, and I feel though that I've done fucked enough sort of goblin-looking kind of like sort of half orc famous stars and

straps back tattoo type women. I've had enough about that. I want the kind of women that they be putting

on like you ever watch that Disney channel? I don't know if I'm following you there old cowpoke.

Well, I mean so like if you watch following you there, old cowpoke. Well, I mean, so, like, if you watch this. You got some clarification to do, sir. I'm just a woke pedophile trucker. Hey, Breaker Breaker, I got a question for you. I mean, you know, we all get down out here, but, I mean, all you ever seen any of these truck stops, any of these places where us rest our weary heads, it's just fat, stumpy white women. I'm trying to get on some of that Disney Channel.

You hear me? It's being like, one more time there. One more time there, Buckshot. Just one more time. I'm trying to get me some of that Disney Channel tale. I'm trying to. I just want to take a bunch of Sudafed, go out in the sleeper cab like David Carradine. You feel me? Right, right, right. I'm going to need you to provide a bunch of Sudafed, go out in a sleeper cab like David Carradine, you feel me?

Right, right, right. I'm going to need you to provide a little clarification back there. You're breaking up there. Well, I'm just saying, you know, if I can hold some of that truck speed, and if I can fuck me a girl that looks like Dora the Explorer, I think that I'd be on something new. I always want to go up to one of them big old fat butch-like clerks and punch straight through her chest, you know?

You know, I'm tired of fucking women what look like they work, they manage a Waffle House. I'm trying to get me something new, Biles, something quick, built for speed. I don't like how well new Biles rolled off your tongue. That's not a word people say, man. Listen, I'm not me, Jake, one of the hosts of this show. My name is Buckshot.

I'm a truck driver from Texarkana. So, I mean, don't worry too much about me. Look, you strike me as a nice, kind, gentlemanly, ebony man. And I don't want no trouble, all right? I'm not an ebony man. But I do like to tickle the ivories. And by that, I mean smoke, crack, rock.

I guess just what I want, you know, I do want peace on Earth. But before, I'd like to get a piece of something from a different part of the Earth. And I think that means the same thing, last I checked. So, again, if anybody's listening and you think you can answer this question for them, I'm just trying to ascertain. You know, it's about Christmas time, and while y'all are focused on Ebenezer Scrooge,

oh, you know, old Buckshot over here's focused on Ebenezer Chew. I do. Just let me know on that one i think that was i'm thinking i'm realizing your mic is real hot and and i think maybe the gamer mic might be plugged in oh there cowpoke would you mind checking for me let me see if i'm even recording let's see how about right now i my okay so i cut out but only for a few seconds while i was fucking with it am i back okay you're you're fine everything sounds good are you on am are you on amazon are you on audacity yeah no i uh i cut out on audacity for it just sounds way more gainier

than usual but that's fine it's it's i'm sure it's fine it's okay hey don't worry about it fuck it we should have dealt with it's fine yeah the gain is exactly how it was that's fine that's fine. I'm sure it's fine. It's okay. Hey, don't worry about it. Fuck it. We should have dealt with it. It's fine. The gain is exactly how it was. That's fine. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, welcome to Padeo time. How about now? It's fine. How about now? I'm not doing anything. I'm just being annoying.

No, I know. You know what? It sounds the same. How about now? How about right now? I will figure it out in post. How about that? Hey guys, can you just let Jake know if it sounds weird, okay? Please. Because we want this to be really good. So, like, I need you. If it's wrong, if we mess up, that's on me. And I need you to tell Jake.

All right? Hey, man, you're cutting out. Hey, why don't you cut a little bit? I can't hear anything you're saying right now. Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Did you invent that song? I did, it's for you I'm sick and tired of the distance

Don't go breaking my heart Don't go shutting my heart I was in a liquor store the other day, yesterday Wow I was trying to get some beer at the liquor store. And they have a, so this liquor store is in a particularly nasty part of town.

And by nasty, I just mean like no break-ins really happen. It's just like there is one homeless guy who's like like all day out front. Is it next to the Domino's or whatever? Yeah, Papa John's. So it's liquor store, vape store, Papa John's. Basically a one-stop shop for me.

And they have a security guard at the liquor store. Now, I've been going to this liquor store. It's one of my main ones. I've been going for a while. This dude is like, I'm not kidding, man. Gotta be like somewhere between, he had boots on. 4'11 and 5'1. That rules, man.

Maxing out 5'1 with the boots on. Was he stocky? No. Hell yeah, dude. It's nice to have a fucking Civil War ghost as your security. So I thought for a second, I'm not kidding, it was his back. He had like a sort of like an afro type deal facing away from the window.

I was like, oh, the liquor store lady has her son here. That's cute. I didn't know the fuck you could have them there, but whatever. He's talking to the lady and they're like laughing. I see outside the window. I walk in and uh the fucking goddamn she's like you know hey or whatever and i turn to my right expecting to see like at most like a like a 12 13 like a small 12 or 13 year old boy no this man uh has like stubble

and then like an afro and he's like not he's not um like when i And he's not – when I say he's not stocky, he was very lean and very sinewy, but he wasn't yoked. But he just sort of looked like one of those guys that you work with. If you look at them the wrong way, like a sinewy short guy, you're like, hey, can I get that? You pass me that Allen wrench. They're like, I i get that like uh he passed me that allen wrench they're like i'll fucking dude i'll fucking you know like one of those guys like short man syndrome to the like the 10th degree at that point why not run like a cycle is gonna make you like 300 pounds

yeah just become a bowling ball and die when you're 22 yeah clearly he has good genes in so far as there was not an ounce of body fat well man well good genes for like a female bodybuilder right yeah and uh and so like me not i don't know how to talk to people sometimes and uh he was in like a security outfit. He's in a security outfit. It says Allied Security on the sleeve. And the lady hands, I hand the lady the beer. She rings it up. I hand her my ID. I hand her my cash.

She hands me the beer back. She's like, you know, make small talk with me. You know, you have any holiday plans? I'm like, yeah, you know, I'm going to cook for family or whatever. The guy's looking at me and I'm looking at her and I look at him and for some reason, I don't know if I've ever told you, I bowed to the sushi

lady at H-E-B one time. I told you that. Sometimes I just do shit. Sometimes I just say and do shit that is not acceptable behavior. And I don't do it on purpose. It's just like Tourette's, but for like fucking awkward shit.

And so I look at the guy and I'm like, you work security here? Like, just like that. I know that I said it like that because he looked at me like this. Like, I know that you guys can't see, but it was just clearly like a, you know, like, I don't know why I even asked him that

because he wasn't even talking. And I literally, like, he was like, yeah, I do. And I was like, sick. And I just walked out. And I didn't realize that I had had like a, until I got in the car and like put the beard in the passenger seat. And I was like, why did that feel weird? Same thing happened when I bowed to the sushi lady at H-E seat. And I was like, why did that feel weird? Same thing happened when I bowed to the sushi lady at H-E-B.

I was like, why did that feel weird? Oh, yeah. Because you looked at a short guy who's probably a buck 05, a buck 15 maybe. You were like, it's your job to secure the print. Like, what are you going like jump on my back and yeah yeah like if i were to ko this register lady now again i mean you don't know what people are capable of well sometimes you i feel like with a certain frame you kind of max out at a certain point like like if me or you because we tend to be unintentionally the same size most of the time.

You know, if me or you were to confront someone our own size, you know, things might go in our general direction. But you take just like a 6'7 guy who is like on his computer all day, you know, he might – he's probably just, you know, having his way with me. Right. Well, I think teach you know he might he's probably just you know having his way with me right well i think you know i mean he can do whatever he wants i mean he could split me open like a coconut yeah he could probably just like he could really put me in a submissive position you know yeah yeah dude this is a large size he kind of like bro i hate I hate getting dominated, dude. Bro, I like... I hate even thinking about it, dude. I hate making up a scenario where I'm facing against a guy the size of literally like Goliath. Right.

And he just fucking like obliterates me, dude. I would hate to be like... I'm just tears streaming down my face. Like a helpless little animal. I'm blushing. You know, and you know, just sort of like a... He just takes his belt off and approaches, you know. That would suck, dude.

Because I get a job interviewing the person's like, so what are your greatest fears? And you're like, um, you know, like, I guess like not living up to expectations, you know, but there's something bigger than that. And they're like, oh, you know, you're like just kind of being like a helpless little like a little creature right and then just like a big burly like a like a paul bunion type cryptid human guy like we're talking he's human but he's like seven nine maybe five ten five twenty uh just approaching towards me i'm buckling his big belt buckle that just would still send me a great fear yeah my my greatest fear is a hagrid from harry potter um takes me to his cottage and fucks me to death that would do that would suck and i hate even like thinking about a scenario like that but you got to be ready mentally you

know like what if you're out swimming and there's just like a shark like human with like a seven foot penis and you you see it like gliding along the top of the water like a shark fin um and you see like the veins on the side and then it just like barrels through you know like you ever see a shark bite yeah out of a you know but just straight through the middle and it goes up through my like supple little you know hole dude i would get pissed off if that happened because i wouldn't like it dude the i remember this and then he like swims off like a great white you know and then but what they do is they do that because they hit you and then they come back and they go in for the kill

so he you know he leaves me gasping and then comes back, and he just finishes me right off. Dude, I would be pissed. I'd be mad about it, dude. If a shark-like human came and fucked me to death out in the Pacific Ocean, bro, I'd be like – I'd be so mad. I probably wouldn't even tell anybody or, like, complain about it. I – you know there was like a era I guess this was like height of the

Trump era or whatever but which is still yet to come right correct we're dealing with number two brother there was like the whole like trans bathroom thing when that was happening here it seems like to be like it's happening in the UK now like the whole thing shifted but some of the replies that you'd see from like guys with like ads like trevor29155529 they would be like you know you know what's gonna

happen a big burly man in a wig is gonna come into the bathroom while i'm shitting he's gonna come into the bathroom and he's gonna to be like, I'm a woman. And he's going to strip my wranglers off me and he's going to make me feel like I've never felt before. And we cannot have that. And God's like, there are plans. We're going to be in our little,

you know, let's say we're in our little bathroom and I've got my trousers unbuttoned and a giant, mastiff-like individual comes in in a dress of all things and he takes got my trousers unbuttoned and a giant mastiff like individual comes in in a dress of all things and he takes off my trousers and treats me like a little puppy doll like a little rag doll

and he wails me around in front of my son and he puts me up on the sink and he lifts my leg and he goes to town on me and then he makes me wear the dress afterwards you telling me that's alright uh no thank you yeah that was like that those sweat just dripping down their foreheads yeah their awful teeth just gnashing together like that was those replies like i'll see one in the wild every now and then from like a dude with like like a like a punisher av or something like

from the states it's like yeah you know they, now we're supposed to call him she. What am I supposed to next? Be pissing in a urinal after watching a movie with my family? And I'm pissing in my dicks in my hand? And I'm not hard, by the way. You think I want to watch my son get fucked in front of me? Yeah, you got another thing coming. You think I want to be bent over panting and begging?

You think I'd even think about experimenting with these, by the way, guys? Like, I know that, like, it's like a cliche, like a hat cliche to be like the closet case conservative or whatever. But, like, I understand. Like, I don't understand because there's like not a lot of like crimes of this that have happened but like if you're like a like a normal reaction and being like well you know i don't want you know like that's stupid but you don't have to there are some guys that are like uh i would i would hate to be fucking just legs behind my ankles propped up in a handicapped stuff forced to wear a wig by a guy

who walked in wearing one I wouldn't like that and if we start saying their pronouns that's going to happen and I would hate something like that you think I want an apple stuffed in my mouth like a Thanksgiving pig and I want to go back to my high school and get fucked by all the guys who were on the football team back then and their current sons

yeah I'm an American bitch I own an AR-15 you think you're gonna come to my house and put a condom over the barrel and fuck me in the ass in front of my wife yeah you got another thing coming pal listen you think because i know hop keto bitch you think i'm gonna tolerate you think i'm gonna tolerate going to see trolls too with my son and i and i have to go pee because i had too much mr pip and a fucking 220 big adams apple fucking catcher's mitt hand motherfucker walks in in a lulu lemon leggings and he just fucking lays out a yoga mat and we start doing fucking bickram yoga and maybe we get married maybe we

get married and i forget my son i leave him at the movie theater and we fucking abscond we abscond to fucking portugal and we get married and i take his her last name whatever the fuck and then i start wearing a wig then he has an identity crisis and he's no longer a woman he wants to be a man again he wants to he wants to join up with the green braids again and now i'm left alone i'm left alone and portugal where's my son it's been 10 years now anyway i think that stuff's really stupid and I don't agree with it politically or ideologically. I think it's very silly. I think it's immature.

It's politics. The best is when Steven Crowder dresses up, uh, in drag like twice a week. And he's like, yeah, I went to Starbucks and they kicked me out. Where's the acceptance now?

One of my, I was like, even his fans are like, Hey hey man you've been doing this like a lot like we just do this was really funny for like two years but now it's like you have you have a lot of dresses now man you have very you have a lot of dresses that you are getting he's not even good at makeup no No. I haven't seen it. I mean, I think I know what you're talking about. It reminds me, though, of Nick Fuentes, that guy.

He went on a block spree after the video got released. But that motherfucker is one of them Catholic closet. There's no fucking doubt in my mind. He's one of them classic Catholic closet case motherfuckers. But he goes on a bro date with this cat boy Nazi from Australia. And they YouTube it. And he, like, goes on, like, a bro date with this, like, cat boy Nazi from, like, Australia. And they YouTube it. And they're like, chews, right? The guy he, like, took out, like, they hung out for, like, a YouTube episode.

Ironically, like, sucks black dildos and, like, wears little skirts and is, like, for the glory of the fatherland, like, seek Heil or whatever. And, like, people people his fans were like haha uh like the start of the video is like oh i'm here with so and so whatever forget the guy's name and now they're just like in a car and it's like oh he's hanging out with the cat boy the cat boy's also a nazi i guess that works for us you know and then like they're like playing arcade games together and it's like, Oh yeah, you can, you know,

and people like in the replies to the episode on Twitter, we're like, Hey man, I was a big fan of yours until you hung out with a gay man. So we're going to have to, and like, he was like mass blocking and like all the episodes after he released were like, yeah.

So a lot of you guys don't know the situation. Okay. Uh, you know, this is irony, you know, are you, are you just not, you don't know the situation, okay? You know, this is irony. You know, are you just not – you don't understand irony anymore? It's like I want these like hardcore right-wing dudes to take the ironic bits so far that they're like, oh, a man can't get fucked in his ass in a fucking Bucky's bathroom, ironically. Like I can't just throat cock like like a fucking champaign you know

after you couldn't suck dick at bucky's there's too much traffic there that is true i feel like you'd have a hard time doing it the bathrooms are always crowded but they are clean they are clean and i feel like you could not saying you can't do it i'm just saying it's a man that's a family environment that's an excellent go to the pilot if you want to do that but yeah that you know those fucking i think there is like a i don't know like a weird crossover with like neo like zoomer fascism and then like just being into like you talk to a lot of neo-zoomer fascists don't you no you're pretty up on the scene uh i mean you know i'm like more of a like a mentor to these young men that's what i would that's what we should build a halfway house for these guys i dude i do want to be like i've often joked about like like i feel like i have enough sort of like

candor like confidence like i like like a charisma when i'm talking to be like like do seminars for incels and be like listen dude listen all you gotta do okay it literally all you gotta do is watch like across the across the universe, like, a couple times. Read, like, The Bell Jar. Like, you could just read the Wikipedia. And then just listen to, like, one Dr. Dog album. You can do all that stuff. I don't know what any of that shit is.

I'm talking to guys who don't. Right. But, like, guys who just, like, I don't understand how to get pussy. How do I get pussy? You know, like, young, frustrated, ugly men. Just get a taper fade. Get one flannel. Get, like, some, like, straight leg black denim.

All right? Get, I don't fucking know, like, some high top Vans. I don't know. You don't even have to play the guitar. You know, if you're, like, entering college and you're like, oh, the world's been unkind to me. Also, just keep up with your showering and deodorant. You don't even have to work alone. Yeah, that's a big one.

Well, here's the thing, though. There's like a whole new genre of bitch that don't care about that. I mean, I guess not new, but I guess it's like the reiteration. Like grungy, like just kind of like. I don't care about that. In general, you should like not smell like shit. Iy like uh like just kind of like i don't care about that in general you should like not smell like shit i smelled like shit a lot i once went an entire summer without showering uh okay man i'm just was that the best time of your life are you saying that i'm a bad

person that i'm saying you should i'm saying you shouldn't do that um no it was not a good time in my life i was doing a lot of pills right you weren't on top fuck you shouldn't do that. No, it was not a good time in my life. I was doing a lot of pills. Right. You weren't on top. You weren't fucking Jordan Belfort for this summer. I like how that's your, that is the hypothetical metric of success. Hey, you weren't fucking an old man at this part of this time in your life, you know? Oh, wait, I'm not fucking Jordan Belfort.

I was just using fucking as like as a yeah okay i thought you know jordan belfort now you know i mean you weren't doing motivational speeches for 500 yeah i thought you were like hey you were fucking jordan belfort that summer it's like yeah i mean i guess i wasn't fucking an old like you know like fraudster like a con man but no as an adjective for like no I was not although I will say this some of my most

what I would say like best pussy getting eras in terms of just numbers probably when I stunk the most and when I looked the most sick like I was dying now granted it was only with a specific type of bitch um but you know yeah you were getting a lot of pussy from bitches you see how you see how my friend jake treats women they're just objects to him you know what's

funny is i don't mean to i'm talking literally like three times like three different i'm not talking like a crazy like Yeah. I'm like. We don't have to lie to each other man. We don't. Probably the time when I was having the most casual sex. Three. You know. And by that I mean.

Probably once every six months. You know. No. You want to put up numbers like me. You want a body count. That's like. But here's the thing. Even guys like you.

More than zero. You fucking. You take a shower. You put on... But here's the thing. Even guys like you... More than zero? You fucking... You take a shower, you put on pants, you put on a shirt, and you go to a place. Look, these guys need honesty. I feel like they could use guys like me and guys, you know, guys, normal guys who get a normal amount of pussy. Well, the truth is a lot of them just fucking suck. That's true. Yeah.

Here's the truth, man. Girls don't want to fuck you because you suck. To be around. around and for that reason they don't want to stay around and fuck you like they don't want to have they don't want to be near you much less fuck you the problem isn't man girls don't want to fuck me and the problem is the girls they don't like you like as a person to begin with right right this is i'm not saying this is everyone but the guys i see online complaining about it's like really i hang out at the bus stop all day with a boner and nobody comes and sucks it well that's the kind of shit that i'm like dude i'm like like if i'm thinking about get rich quick schemes i'm like all right

do seminars for fucking guys we're not rich no not rich. No, I'm saying get rich. No, no, I'm saying get rich. Get pussy quick schemes? No, I don't want to get pussy. I want to make money doing seminars. No, I'm saying it's a get pussy. It's like Herbalife for incels. No, we get rich.

Oh, wait, that's just like Gumroad, I think. Yeah, no, we get rich. They get maybe one or two crumbs of pussy. What I'm saying is me and you are like, hey, you don't got to hit the gym. You don't got to do all this crazy shit. Just get like one button up and some Armani code and a taper fade and like shave a little bit and just a little bit of fucking clinical strength deodorant. And then like go to the bookstore. You don't even got to like to read.

Go to like, not a Barnes & Noble, but like a local bookstore. And then just look for a big. I think we have completely different approaches. like to read go to like they're not a barnes noble but like like a local bookstore and then just look for i think i think we have completely different approaches no i'm not saying this is a universal approach not that we're active in the game not that this is approach that i even i'm not saying i'm saying this is a because you sound like you're trying like you're trying to get them to marry like like they're trying to become a youth pastor or something for pussy, which does work. Yeah, a lot of these guys are. But only for, you know.

Well, I'm saying like, you know, these guys aren't going to go to the club. They're not going to go like pussy hunting. But I'm saying like, you know, just if you want a trad wife or whatever, you know, like go to the fucking pots and pans. Please don't say that on my show. Please don't say that on my show. If you want to get fucking shacked up with some plain fucking looking weirdo, go to the pots and pan aisle at a fucking, I don't know, like H-E-B. Go to the bookstore and go to the romance area.

Go to the area with the wolf on it with a six pack and be like, hmm, I love this one. You want to get married quick? Go to the military. Yeah, go to the military, get 30 grand, buy a fucking Hellcat. Get divorced two years later later it's a dream marry a really fertile overweight latina girl and knock her up nine times at 10 times do that uh and did hey but at least you'll have gotten and you know and you will have served your fucking country i was about to say something but i should

i gotta i got something i got something i got an interesting little tidbit for you. Is it Wednesday? It is Wednesday. And when it's Wednesday, it's a men's day. And when it's men's day, you got to think about your money. Hey, Christmas is around the corner, bitch. Christmas is fucking Saturday. And if you don't know what to get. Saturday is for the boys.

And by that, I mean the triple trifecta. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, bitch. Three wise men. You know what I'm talking about. The Trinity. Mary, Jesus, and, Holy Spirit, bitch, three wise men. You know what I'm talking about. The Trinity. The Trinity. Mary, Jesus, and Joseph.

Mary, Jesus, Joseph. Damn. Mikael. Get the fucking Ridge Wallet, dude. You know what the wise men should have brought was a fucking Ridge Wallet. Fucking gas, dude. They should have brought gas. Dude, they shouldn't.

You can't bring weed to a baby. They should have brought that fucking loud pack they should have brought that shit dude you think i'm fucking playing with you anyway if you've got if you've got a fucking wallet and you're sick of the fucking life that you lead and you fucking look back in your life and you're like fuck i wish i would have a different wallet ridge wallet is probably your best fucking bet because it's the premier front pocket wallet all? It has room for 12 cards and cash. It's got a money clip on it. These things are durable as fuck.

They got all different types of materials. Carbon, fucking fiber, aluminum, burnt titanium, different designs. They got over 40,000 five-star reviews. They are. It's a very, very well-liked product. And don't even get me started on that RFID blocking technology. You know what that stands for? Facts, dude. Facts. on that RFID blocking technology. You know what that stands for?

Facts, dude. Facts. Really fucking individual and diverse. Rape? Never mind. No, man. It's not. There was one thing that I would rather you not start it off.

Well, it doesn't matter. Anyway, if you're trying to get a fucking Ridge wallet and you're a dude, I've got a deal for you. I've got a fucking deal fucking Ridge wallet and you're a dude, I've got a deal for you. I've got a fucking deal. You've got a deal for me? I've got a deal. I've got a deal for you.

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They've got knives. They've got fucking phone cases you ever wanted to get a wallet but you you were only willing to pay like 75 for it we got good news with this discount code because it's gonna make you pay like 68 dollars you know um if you want a fucking sick ass wallet or you want to get your brother your dad when your mom won or whatever if you got a son you don't like but you need to get him something do you not know your dad that well correct he probably has money or a card he probably has an idea he clearly doesn't like you so maybe fucking put it in you know put in a little good word put it in his fucking gas tank yeah put it in his fucking get put it in the exhaust pipe uh you know cut his fucking brake line and tape it to the undercarriage fucking stab him

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A lot of people, you need to use these codes because I need this money next year I really need it we will be honest none of you use the codes like 5 of you use the codes like 7 of you literally 5 people do you know how much

they don't listen to ads if you guys knew how much money I don't know if we're allowed to. I don't care. That we lost them. It's so funny. It doesn't fucking matter, man. It doesn't matter, but when I saw those numbers...

They have not checked out one ad that we've done. When I saw those numbers and I saw that they had made like... Very nice people, but yeah, that's... Yeah, I was like, oh, so what's up for March? Like, hey, can we get back on this? Because that was some sick cheddar you threw my way for no fucking reason. Fuck, anyway, if you thought that was funny, you should fucking, you should buy 70 Ridge wallets. Get your fucking bank account, dude.

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Of that shit I think actually it's done This is the second to last one Shout out to the Ridge Wallet guys. They were way too nice to us. And I guess thanks to Nick for getting that. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I'll tell you what, man. What's up, Playboy?

I'm tired of this supply chain bullshit. I've decided. Because i'm having a hard time finding correct fuses for my truck and i've decided that it's china's fault how do you feel about that i'm kind of inclined to agree with you because i've been trying to so like i've been i don't i don't like shit to get myself so i I've been buying like more Muay Thai shorts and like different boxing gloves and stuff. And I've been trying to buy a pair of fucking shorts from Thailand for like two months. And I keep buying them and then they keep not showing up. And I'm willing.

All right, look. I'm willing to accept the fact that this pandemic has killed a couple people, okay? A couple people died. It's really sad. I'm trying to get more tiny, shiny shorts for my little tiny, shiny fucking behindy. That was fucking gay as fuck. For my little behindy.

So I can go do kickboxing class. I could do adult fucking kickboxing class with a bunch of flat earther guys. So this whole supply chain issue, if you're a trucker and you're fucking on strike or you're not trucking, you need to get to trucking before I get to fucking and sucking. Yeah, the supply chain is because truckers are so lazy. They're all sitting in parking lots texting and taking selfies right now. There is like a genre of TikTok that fucking like there's just a bunch of truckers.

One of my favorite guys just has like a dog that he found on the side of the road. And it's like a – dude, I'm not kidding, man. It might be like Park Coyote. It's clearly like a part of a dog, but it's like a, dude, I'm not kidding, man. It might be like part coyote. It's clearly like a part of a dog, but it's like wild looking. And he has like a bowl that like the thing eats out of in the passenger seat. And he's like, you better start acting right. I'm going to drop you off back inside the road. And this thing is like, it's a little puppy right now.

He just found the fucking thing like two weeks ago. And I'm like, uh, uh you that is part dog i'm thinking it's like maybe like a wolf dog i don't know why the fuck like that's part dog that thing is going to get bigger than meaner than fuck in about three months and i feel like that guy's tiktok is going to get way more interesting in like six weeks time it's like a rabid fucking animal it's like if i were have you ever been on the side of the road and you see like a possum? I think possums are cooler than fuck. And I've been really wanting to pick one up.

They kind of suck, dude. I love possums, man. These things are cooler than fuck. They're so cute, dude. I really like possums. They're so cute, dude. Dude, possums are so... Dude, they're snarling animals, bro.

No, they're just misunderstood. I used to... Growing up, I used to run after possums in the yard at night. That makes a lot of sense. See how far I could get down in the woods before they'd lose me. Before they'd lose you? Before they'd get away. It says something really dark about a man who has a primal urge to sprint into the woods at night.

A child. Do you have problems mentally? I've gotten pretty close to chasing down a grown deer on foot. I have ran down a doe. It was like a neighborhood doe. I was drunk. We were coming home from a party and it was like... Well, you're a sick animal.

Yeah. I was going to We were coming home from a party, and it was like... Well, you're a sick animal. Yeah. I was going to see if I needed to, and I would never do this, but what if I needed to catch deer and take its life to feed my family? In pister? I would do it if I had to. I don't need to, though. I've never been hunting except for frogs. I don't know if you count shooting squirrels

and pigeons off of power lines with the bb gun hunting but i did do i remember one time we were out uh with me i was probably like 10 or 11 years old and uh my dad had like come to visit my mom and was just sleeping it off. I think he'd had a nice little spell. Me and my friends are out in the backyard and we're smoking. It's all sharing one Marlboro light and we're shooting my BB gun at a squirrel and a pigeon on a power line. We can't hit it. And we're like, or whatever. And fucking suddenly I hear the fucking back door rip open,

and I'm like, oh, fuck my mom. We're in trouble because my mom – that is not like mom-approved behavior is to shoot animals with an air gun. It's just not. I look at my dad's there in his long johns. My dad does not wear breeches or boxers or tighty whities. My dad either wears no underwear at all

or long johns. I don't know if I've ever told you that about Big Dave. That is fucked up, man. But it's either long johns or commando. It's fucking sick. Anyway, he's like, the fuck are y'all doing out here? And I was like, oh, we're just shooting the BB gun.

He's like, are you trying to kill that fucking squirrel up there on the power line? I ain't stupid. And I was like, no, sir. My friends are all like looking away from him or whatever. Like, fuck. He's like, give me that fucking thing. And I was like, oh, fuck, dude. I'm in trouble.

And he just goes, thunk, thunk, thunk. And just shoots. Just one shot dead. He just shoots the squirrel. And it just falls. I don't know. I guess he hit it right in the fuck. He just one-shotted it with the pellet gun.

Did he, like, take a long time to aim or anything? No. He just fucking. Gone. He's fucking dead. No. He just fucking gone. It's fucking dead. No, he's just fucking. He was like, all right, I got it. Good night.

And I went back in the living room. And my friends were like, dude, that was the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. And at the time I was like, yeah, fucking that was sick. That was awesome. And honestly, not much has changed. That's probably one of the funnier memories I have. That's not true. There are other ones.

But when you're a kid and you think you're in trouble, and then your parent just does what is in your mind the coolest thing in the whole world, you're kind of like, oh, fuck, that was sick. I'm going to remember this for the rest of my life. He like, he used to to one of the when we would go to the mall there was a shitty ass fucking mall

in South Houston well it was in Pasadena Pasadena Town Square Mall it was like where Pasadena meets South Houston I guess we would go there

to like get like shitty pizza and he would go to the GNC there to get old old jacked he would go there to get the the fucking DMAA jacked

from the GNC there at this mall this shitty ass mall with like nothing in it except a GNC a pizzeria and a fucking arcade anyway we would be in the parking lot and he had his Toyota 4Runner and there would be a bunch of pigeons in the parking lot and he'd be like you want to see something I'm like yeah all right he would gun it in the parking lot. And he'd be like, you want to see something? I'm like, yeah, all right. And he would gun it in the parking lot, like just pedal a metal and go, dead bird, dead bird, dead bird,

dead bird, dead bird. And just, I try to hit like a bunch of pigeons. They would all fly out of the way. And he would be like, yeah, don't tell your mom about that.

I was like, I was like, I mean, I guess I won't. I thought it was so funny, dude. I used to fucking walk around my mom's house and be like, dead bird,

dead bird. She's like, what are you doing? And I so funny, dude. I used to fucking walk around my mom's house and be like, dead bird, dead bird. She's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, nothing. And I remember being like a teenager or whatever. And I was like, what was the dead bird thing? And I was like, oh, dad used to try to kill a bunch of birds with his car. She's like, sick. I was like, that is, you you know that's awesome i'm really glad that like that you were subject to

that uh um yeah when i was when i was in t-ball so i played i talked to him about this i played t-ball all the way up to i think it's called pony which is like the first kid pitch league uh and uh my dad would put me on one end of the backyard it is where he lived at his mom's place and then i would sit on the other end of the yard and with a bat and my dad would be fucking shithoused. He'd be like, you know what my fucking pop used to do to me? Teach me not to be afraid of the fucking ball.

And I was like, what? He's like, he used to fucking put me at one end of the fucking gate over there. He'd stand by the fucking dirt road and he'd hum fucking baseballs at me as fast as that fat motherfucker could for fucking hours, end on end probably

like 11 or 12 years old and i'm like so what's happening now like i could see in his eyes yeah it's my turn you know this is all like this is full circle he's like i ain't gonna throw it hard at you i just need you to understand something you cannot be afraid of this motherfucker because we're living we're leaving machine pitch okay we're in kid pitch some of these kids are harder than dude so if you're afraid of that cocksucker sometimes it ain't gonna fly straight ain't coming from a machine it's coming from a real okay so i'm gonna throw it at you ain't gonna throw it that hard but i'm gonna throw it at you as hard as you know one of these little out here would dude my dad would hum that cocksucker in my foot.

Dude, just full wind up, dude, full grown man. At this time, my dad's in good shape. He'd fucking leg up, fucking hip torque. And I would hear that. And it would hit the fence behind me. He's like, you got to fucking swing. You're going to fucking swing at it or you're going to fucking look at it? I'm like, all right, fuck, I'm going to swing.

And again, like, as he, like, I'd throw the ball back to him. He'd be like, man, you know, I mean, the way that I learned was just my pop would just fucking hum this motherfucker at me. You know, I'm fucking, you'd be glad that we ain't doing that shit. Like, I'm sitting there with an aluminum bat and I'm, you know, I'm like fucking sixth grade and i'm like uh yeah cool like i fucking i barely know where my dick is so i think like and i think it's only right i don't want to get my kid if i have a son i don't want him to play baseball

it's a fucking gay sport but uh the baseball is pretty fun it's fun to play i think it's fucking dog shit to watch no i don't like watching it it's fun it's fun i was i was never like crazy good at it but it was i mean it's a fun game i wasn't either i just was like fat so i played first base and i could hit the ball hard when you're like a fat 10 year old that's cool like you know it's just you're playing like a contact base and then you're like you can just swing harder than the other kids because you're a fat fucking 10 or 11-year-old kid. I actually suffered from ADHD as a child, believe it or not. So I was a right fielder.

No, I didn't. Yeah, we've talked about this. I did too. I got put in outfield a couple times, more than a couple times, because I would just like play with the fucking dirt. Like if it was a slow game and i did not have my attention like maintained they would fucking have to pop me out in right field because i would like sit i would just like make little squares in the dirt with my cleats or whatever yeah it was cool finding out

as like a 17 or 18 year old that i have like basically two-dimensional depth perception. All my years of baseball, which wasn't an insane amount, but I played as a kid and I played one season in high school kind of as a joke. The coach let me because I went to all the summer lifting workouts or whatever. Yeah.

I can work hard in practice or whatever like but i didn't have any like talent really i had an okay arm and i could hit like not home runs but like decently decently consistent like singles maybe a double you know whatever uh anyway i say that i don't actually think I ever hit a double in a season, but I hit, you know, a few singles. No, I hit one double off an error. That was pretty sick. But, yeah, I honestly forgot most of what I was saying.

That's okay. But, yeah, it was cool because as an outfielder, they'd be like, boy, you know, you just get out there. And I know you're, what, like nine years old. But, you know, you get out there, you keep your glove up, son. And you just keep your eye on the ball and you just follow it. And I would end up, dude, not exaggerating, like 50 feet away from the ball. Like I didn't know where the fuck that thing was going ever.

I would run towards, like, second base, and it would hit the back of the fence. All the parents, you know. If a dad brings his fold-out chair to a baseball game, I don't care what grade it is. I don't care how old his kid is. He's going to yell at you. For sure.

He's going to. For sure. Oh, come on, man. Oh, shit. Shoot. The part of, come on, man. Oh, shit. Shoot. The power of my language. God. Feel the fucking ball, boy.

God damn. The fucking, the coaches one season, this was fall ball, which was like off-season community-based, but you'd play it to get ready for like to play like genuinely next season. I was probably like eight or nine. This is when I was playing like a lot. I played from, I played tee ball all the way up to ponies. So I probably played from when I was like five to when I was probably like eight or nine this is when i was playing like a lot i played from i played t-ball all the way up the pony so i probably paid from when i was like five when i was like 11 12 years old and uh um the coaches dude it didn't matter

if you were a fucking little kid man it wasn't all the coaches but there would always be one coach and by the way it's just always some kid's fucking dad who played college ball or whatever you're like out there you know you're a kid and you got add and like i'd be on first base like kicking the base or i'd be out like you know center field or something whatever the fuck they had me in practice and i would hear hey you don't feel the fucking ball you're gonna play specker in your head you you little cocksucker? And you're like, again, you're like in fourth or fifth grade, and the guy's like walking out to you, and he's like, big old fucking wad of dip into a big old pinch.

Spitting, dude, just like, I ain't ever seen two sets of useless fucking hands on nobody. Fucking ground ball comes your way, you field a motherfucker, you don't sit here and play with your fucking little nutsack, ain't you? And in my head, I'm like, you know, like I'm kind of scared. And then, like, I get older and I'm like, I don't think it's cool for a 50-year-old man to be talking to me about my nutsack. We should go to some batting cages. Dude, I'm so fucking down. I would love that shit. We could do it for a video episode or we could just do it.

We could just attach the loft mics to us and just hit balls for an hour. Dude, the sound would be so bad, but I'd yeah i would love that shit yeah um we're like smoking cigarettes next to all the kids or whatever shit man that would move pretty far all the dads are like our age yeah hey how old are you kid 11 you ever seen a pussy before i bet i get way more pussy than you i can i can buy real tobacco if i want to yeah you have to smoke you have to fucking chew big what are you oh you're you're varsity baseball at a at a 5a school i probably don't get much pussy as you bro but i am older and i can't buy alcohol whatever you bench now i benched more than that for a couple months last year a couple months in 2018 i was i could again if i wanted to, but I work a lot.

You know, I got priorities. My shoulder clicks now. I'm a family man. Yeah, I got a shoulder problem. What are you putting up, 270? I put up 270 December 2017. And my dad didn't even help me that time. He didn't even help me.

He didn't even help me. He wouldn't even call on me then, really, or talk to me too much. Dude, okay, so this is – all right. help me he wouldn't even call on me then really you're talking to me too much um dude okay so this is all right there was a scare and again i i found out about this uh i i was in college probably like 19 or 20 um but i it was i was back home for the holidays uh and uh we got time for this shit we got time we got time we got time i was back home for the holidays this is our show yeah this is our show we don't got a nobody's schedule i was back home for the holidays and uh this is like one of the few ones i guess that like you know it's me my mom and my dad my brother and

like everything's mostly chill we're all just hanging out and i remember thanksgiving christmas we're bullshitting and we were talking about like my baseball days or whatever and now my dad's cracking jokes he's like hey you, you never weren't too good, but, you know, hit the damn ball real hard or whatever. And we were talking about this team I played on for fall ball one year, the Phillies. And so, anyway, I didn't know this at the time And I could not have known

Because I was a kid But my dad was like He looked at my mom And he was like Remember that That lady Who coached the other team They were playing

We like won the Like community league Fall ball We got like a plastic trophy From Party City or whatever That game He was like Remember that lady that was uh that was like changing the machine for the other team the team that jacob was playing and my mom

was like yeah i remember that i was like what do you mean changing the machine so like this lady was a coach or no she wasn't a coach she was She was like a, like a fundraiser mom for baseball. Like she would raise money for like the concessions or what I remember. She was very like, I guess what you'd call Karen ish. Now you just kind of like very real thin, very tan, very wrinkly, very Bobby hair or whatever. It's very annoying. And her son played on the opposite team that we were playing that

we played them a couple times we were playing them i guess in that like community league little trophy shit or whatever anyway uh he's like my i hear my dad say something akin to you know she was uh she was fucking the dude who ran the pitching machine and they were knocking it down a couple miles per hour for the other team and my mom was like oh yeah and i was like hold on i was i was like hold the fucking phone my dad was like yeah i mean i guess you're too little for it to matter to you then he's like y'all won though so i guess it ain't no big deal and i was like i don't give a fuck that we won are you telling me right't give a fuck that we won. Are you telling me right now that a grown woman, we're talking a grown woman, not in her fucking 20s, not in her fucking 30s,

maybe pushing 50, was sucking cock to get the pitching machine at a community league baseball game dropped like four miles per hour for their batting line. And my dad was like, I mean, yeah, you put it that way. I can see how it's, he's like, I mean, it was funny to me then, but that, yeah, that's, yeah, that's, that's basically what happened. And I was like, come on, like, like, like, what do you mean? And he was like, yeah. So he was like, I don't know the relationship of one of the like i think it was like her ex husband or like a step or something but she had like a son or stepson that was on the other team that was like you know like batting or whatever and the dad the guy was like he was the the the

coach that ran the pitching machine for everybody and the way that they did it at this fall ball thing was it like the umpire didn't run it it was like just one of the dads or whatever i mean who do you think is rigging a fucking 10 year old's baseball game you know who you know who i guess that is you know you know the honor code or whatever and uh yeah so she and then apparently she my dad had heard and i don't know how he fucking heard this i mean he, he drank with all the dads after or whatever. But apparently she was like, she had finagled her way into fucking and sucking the guy. Or maybe they had been fucking and sucking. I don't know.

But anyway, she was doing sexual favors for like a five mile an hour reduction on the pitching machine for her son's team. That's one of the noblest things you can do. You don't see that kind of loyalty anymore. You know, you hear about mothers in times of crisis like doing superhuman feats of strength and like lifting cars off their babies, but it takes a real down-southern-Texas-ass mom. That's the closest thing to La Miserable that we'll get to. Yeah, you're swallowing loads so your

son we don't know if she was swallowing let's assume that she was you're was this now here's a question as as a child were you did you find the pitching coach hot the guy yeah no he's a good-looking guy i mean he just looked like any other baseball dad very red swollen about five eight probably muscly no i mean you know he was uh he was like dad swole did he have a certain charm about him the way he carried himself he said the n-word like all the time so yes see that's why yeah yeah i think he just worked he works his way honest yeah no he that woman was so convinced that she was rigging it no she was in control of the situation yes she was it and here's the thing is that she thought she was like fucking

well the thing is is that i didn, I remember this conversation between my parents and I didn't remember that we won. And so I was like, well, fuck, like, I mean, you know, whatever you got to do to win, I guess. And he was like, no, y'all won. Y'all won that year. Dude, I want to start a machine pitch, like adult baseball league so bad now. Like adult baseball league so bad now. I was like, hold on. Are you telling me that this woman, whether or not he was doing it because she was sucking his or they were fucking, I'll never know truthfully. But it was probably at least part and parcel of the whole deal.

But she was fucking this guy and was like, hey, maybe knock it down a little bit for my boy so he can win. You can just go buy a trophy from Party City. You can buy as many as you want. They're about $2. this guy and was like hey maybe knock it down a little bit for my boy so he can win you you can just go buy a trophy from party city you can buy as many as you want they're about two dollars she was doing all that shit and then we ended up winning with like i like we like we it was a it was not apparently a court my parents remember it was not an even game it was a pretty fucking far spread game too so i just, just like doing sexual favors, maybe 70% positive doing sexual favors. So your son wins a trophy and then your son teams lose.

Like they lose. That just rocks to me. Again, that is a motherly love that I just, I fucking, you know, I just won't ever understand that. I would never do anything like that. Well, I hope you find yourself in a similar position someday. Wait, am I the coach or am I the mom? No, I hope you're in a similar position, you know,

to where you can know what it's like to show that level of loyalty. Right, yeah. Well, I mean, dude, honestly, you bring up a good point. When I think, like, I do want to – I'm not kidding. Like, I have a bad right shoulder, so, I mean, I, you bring up a good point. When I think, like, I do want to – I'm not kidding. Like, I have a bad right shoulder, so, I mean, I – you know. But I would love to get into, like, not softball. I'm not that old yet. I'm not 35.

But I would love to get into, like, an adult machine pitch league. That would be so – just crank dingers. Dude, we should just start practicing just playing catch. I'm down. We could just have a catch, just two guys, you know. You come say for the weekend. I'm like, yeah, you know, like, we're going to be really cranking them out. Like, honestly, like, we won't even have time to hang out, honestly, with each other.

And then you just look in the back. She just looks in the backyard, and we're just like, all right, so you threw it way too hard last time. It, like, almost broke my glove, honestly. What was that, like, 40 miles an hour? That was fucking insane, bro. You broke the hummingbird feeder. Dude, that thing's like pure glass. I don't know how you even broke that.

Dude, there's definitely batting cages in Fort Worth. Oh, absolutely. I'm down to just fucking go take a day. I'll set the laptop. I wonder if we can rent it. I was thinking, do we have money like that renting a batting cage for an hour is probably like 40 dollars like it's definitely not outside the realm of possibility um i just set the laptop up and we just go and just fucking hit dingers or maybe strike out the whole hour but it would be sick do like a

to do like a fucking uh like a batting cage episode. It would honestly because I would get competitive because I'm a competitive person. It would be like, hey, dude, all you hear is like, you're a pussy, dude. I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, yours actually went slower that time. I don't think this – I think we needed a – the belt on it is fucked up. The belt is fucked up, yeah. I mean yours is probably throwing 81. Mine is throwing 86. Both of us fucked up, yeah. Yours is probably throwing 81.

Mine's throwing 86. Both of us are on the kid level. It's throwing like 25. We're both using like two-foot-long bats. Yeah, and there's a wiffle ball. Fucking like softball pitch machines. It's like, yeah, we're just making sure the mics are on, tapping them.

It's like, yeah, these are the fast machines. These are the really, really adult machines. What was that, 105? The Nolan Ryan. Yeah, we're on the Nolan Ryan machine. Yeah, I mean, I would really hate, you know, for you to lose because, you know. Yeah, I would, dude. That would be so sick.

I haven't been to batting cages, I think, since I played baseball. That's been, dude, it's been a long time. Yeah. Well, it's been probably five years for me. Yeah, I'm so fresh yeah you're a newbile man uh you're a sort of a newbile young book and you know what newbile young books love to say i'll tell you what they love to say and i think you know it too later