Pendejo Time - Maltzheimers

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

3 Colt 45 Straight to the fucking. Straight to the Brain Stem. Forget your name. Forget it all. But I remember. I remember everything. Support the Show.

Well, this one's going to be good. Yep. Um... Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- to audio only yeah you can hear the flesh and yeah did you hear that yeah that was my shoulder without moving oh solid nice i was just i just had my elbows up on the arms of my chair and looked up with my neck and my shoulder just... That's okay. It happens. Just did it to the other one. That's okay.

We were play wrestling. Yeah, I bet you were. Nothing. And I rolled over and swept her like swept her and like tried to catch her with my legs but like she like went with it and like ended up on her head and like I just heard this cracking sound like on her neck and I for a split second and she like rolled over and was like oh that felt kind of good but for a split second before she was like, I was like, I need to get out of this. I was like, I'm going to have to leave to Mexico.

I thought I killed my girl in her own house. Yeah, your first thought isn't like, oh no, it's like, all right, escape plan. Here we go. I've got the backpack in the back of my car. I've got the go bag. I was like,

first aid, all that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm fucked. Dang, no, man, not again. It's the ninth time this year I've done something like this. Wake up in a cold sweat. No, I did it. Done it again. And I...

Oh, fuck. Well, folks, this is the freebie of Pendejo time. It's a free episode. You like that falsetto? Yeah, that was good, man. You been working on it? It's a free episode.

You sound like Axl Rose. It's beautiful. It's a free episode It's a free episode You know, that might not have sounded good, but keep in mind that I am whispering at about 14 octaves above my normal speaking voice. You try and do that while hunched over in a gaming chair that you broke five minutes after taking it out of the box. Yeah.

I bet you can. I bet you can. But it'll be hard. It'll test you. You'll be tested like you never were. People think this is an easy job, that we just show up 30 minutes after we planned and talk about kidney stones and getting our licenses suspended for doing too many donuts in front of AutoZone.

You try waking up at 5.30 to 2 p.m., depending on who we're talking about here, every other day for a week. Yeah. You try to have your car paid for every month doing something like this. Yeah. That is just like, it is, you know, a lot of people have DM'd me and said, man, you know, I want to get into podcasts.

You and Thomas have had so much initial luck and it is an incredibly popular show and it's super well done. They say, what's the secret? I was like, dude, you know what? The secret is bone-breaking hard work. It's not for everybody. We record 75 hours a week

of material and this is the gold that makes the cut. We've got people hitting us up. We're going on Spike TV soon. Yeah. We got offers.

Oxygen. Lifetime. Yeah. Yeah. We're going. We're the next college humor. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Fuck Jerry DMs us 10 times a day. Oh, that was a great post. Great episode. Are you hard right now? You know, stuff like that. Yeah. You know, the media companies post. Great episode. Are you hard right now? You know, stuff like that.

Yeah. You know, the media companies DM guys like Thomas. You think it's easy chipping a tooth like once a week? It's easier than you'd think. You think it's easy chipping your tooth because you're gritting your teeth in traffic for no reason really? You just kind of, you know, you have the stress level of like an olympic swimmer you're super chill and you're not very high strung or anything like that one time i chipped a tooth brushing my teeth that's what i knew i had to get one of those electric ones because i was going ham

on that thing man i was full i was full riley reed on it i was i was was taking, I was scrubbing out part of my stomach, you know. If anyone hears that in the background, my chair just creaked and it sounded suspicious. That's okay. We'll edit that out. We'll put a siren over that.

That's what the sirens sound like somewhere. They got police in Antarctica. They should. They should let the penguins do it. Like a polar bear? A little penguin driving a car. That'd be cute.

Yeah. A little AK-47. A little European. You know, they got a big old penguin and it crunched up in a Fiat 500, but it's got snow tires on it. Just think about that. Something to think about.

Something to think about. I bet you don't think about stuff like that. There's a lot of things to think about. Do you know where my mouse pad's coming in? The mail. Do I know? Yeah, I was wondering. Yeah, it's going to be there tomorrow at 3.30.

Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir yes sir yes sir yes sir it's like have you ever uh it's like a reaction video or whatever but people will like reply with it sometimes and it just shows like the it just shows that it's an audio file and you click it it's just like 20 people saying yes sir yeah i it's not like funny but it does always catch me off guard yeah that one too that people reply it's like an insult video where the two guys are in the theater and it's like he's spitting yes sir he's like whipping his shirt against the back oh yeah i love that one dude it has a word in it I can't say but you know well

I can I guess you can I wouldn't advise it yeah that's a $10,000 a month subscription tier where we just it's a 3 second audio clip no it's an hour it's one long drawn out though

like we take a bunch of breaths yeah yeah yeah i can you know i'm just trying to think of who like one of the lawyers on twitter that like you know like over the course of 10 years you find out they make like 300 000 a year yeah it's like one of those but he's like an irony guy or whatever for some reason and it's like, he would pay for it so you'd have to do it. Yeah. Yeah, the ultimate form of revenge,

giving me $10,000. To say, to say the word. Yeah. And then, that would, I wouldn't do it, I'm a man of strong morals.

I'd probably do it for like 100 bucks. Never said it, never will. I didn't even know it until sixth grade. You didn't even know it? No. I asked somebody at my lunch table and they told me right off the bat.

And I was like, oh, well, I guess now I know. I used to think that the S word that you call is like a racist term for Hispanics. I don't want to say it, but... It's not that bad. Yeah, whatever. Actually, it's really bad. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really bad to me.

I've never even thought it. Yeah, of course you haven't. No. You're a man of good character. I used to think it was just a synonym for like, like when I was like, because my dad used it so much, because my dad's racist.

Dude, let's get him. Let's get him. Let's get him fired. Canceled from his refinery job. They're like, what? I thought he said a bad word. Hell yeah, I thought he said, hell, I thought he said, yeah,

that's a good one. I like that one. Kind of got a ring to it. Yeah, I'll use it right now. Yeah, I thought it said, yeah, that's a good one. I like that one. Kind of got a ring to it. Yeah, I'll use it right now. Yeah, I thought it just meant like Mexican guy. Well, it does, but you weren't. I don't want to say you were correct. Yeah.

That's not the verbiage I like to use. But you weren't wrong. Yeah. I guess you're right. Well, that's not new. i don't know what yeah yeah i don't know what you think anyway yeah i got in trouble for saying it i was like what it's just you know what's it's like what you'd uh you know like call a friend or something and they'd be like the the teacher sent me to the principal, and the principal had to be like, you do not call. We don't.

And I was like, my dad says it all the time. And he was like, you could tell he was trying not to laugh. Yeah. Just like, well. Yeah. Still shouldn't. The most unintentionally racist thing I've ever done. I say unintentionally.

I've done way worse things intentionally. But in like fourth grade, because I was homeschooled up to that point. Yeah. So I didn't have any Mexican friends at all until then. I didn't know any. Any social skills you couldn't read, stuff like that? No, I just didn't have any Mexican friends.

No, you couldn't read or talk to people? No, I just didn't have any Mexican friends. No, you couldn't read or talk to people? No, I could. You still wore diapers. I was at a college reading level. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. A special type of college, you know. Yeah.

It's like MIT. No, I had, I made my, I guess, first Hispanic friends or whatever, and I was on my iPod shuffle one time, and I was like, what kind of music do you like? Well, like, uh, mariachi, probably. You know? Because you're, he was like, what, what do you mean? I was like, well, because you know how you, how you are, you know, and I like, just, he was like, what, dude? What are you talking about?

I was like, I was just wondering if you don't like it. And he was like, I mean, my grandparents like it. Like, my dad plays it. Like, there's some good songs. I don't like the whole genre. I don't chill and bump it. I was like, well, know it's i was just worried if you liked it and he was like no man i like like taiga and like low lane and stuff

stuff you like when you're in sixth grade yeah well this was fourth grade to be fair so i was like i was like 10 years old yeah i get i get i get a slight pass for this out of ignorance i don't get a pass for this next one I was 23 years old and it was unintentional I don't know why I did it it was one of those things that sometimes in my brain I'm like hey you shouldn't do this thing it'll be really awkward if you did it

and then I involuntarily I do that thing so I was at the sushi line at fucking I'm at HEB at HEB in Texas and there is an Asian lady back there but it

she's not like she's like maybe 22 and she's clearly like this is a job she has because she's in college. So she's not that Asian. She's Asian. I don't know, Vietnamese, I don't fucking know. So she's, like, mostly, but not all the way, you know. Yeah, yeah, she's very Americanized.

Anyway, she hands me my sushi, dude, and I bowed to her. I did a little bow, not a full bow but i like hands and i don't know why on the way up there a part of my brain was like wouldn't it be funny if you bowed to the sushi lady and then i was like no it wouldn't dude it would be really fucking awful and then i get there i pay for my fucking california roll and then just like the way my heart beats or the way my lungs involuntarily taking oxygen i fucking bowed to her and the whole way home i was thinking i was like i'm gonna drive my car into a fucking telephone pole like i should kill myself it wasn't even that bad of a thing to do but like you know like like what's wrong

what kind of mental illness is it where you're like hey you shouldn't bow to like a like you know like a like an as Asian person because it's really stupid and then I'm used to it that sounds that sounds bad in Taekwondo it was like real traditional

and we would bow to each other yeah but like also one time when I was like 16 I was at Target I think I was on like

a first date with a girl. And, you know, small town, you go to Target. Yeah. So she knows you have money. That's the place to bump. Yeah. And it's like, I just, I think, I'm not sure if I had my black belt yet, but I was like definitely working towards it, if not. So I taught classes like every week.

working towards it if not so i taught classes like every week and uh this this little girl who was in one of my classes she was you know she's good and everything she's chill but she saw me and you know being like a little kid went up to say hi to me but just in the middle of target like walked up to me not saying anything bowed and said hello master thomas and the girl i was with um it hadn't come up you know that i did martial arts at all and so i it wasn't like an awkward, awkward situation. Like I just had a brief – like it was clearly a not scary, very friendly encounter where I probably just seemed like I was good with kids or whatever, you know. Yeah. Like I just sighed and stuff. But immediately after I had to be like, yeah, I teach martial arts classes.

Like that was – Yeah, I'm not – Yeah, yeah. You had to get that one out of my face. She was like, oh, okay, cool. Yeah, that was –. Yeah, yeah. You had to get that one out of the way fast. Okay, cool. Yeah, that was, could have been rough. If I had fumbled that,

that would have been into the line for sure. No doubt. Just a really chaotic move would have been like, what was that about? Oh, nothing. Don't worry about it.

It's not even, what are you talking about? What do you mean? A little girl came up and bowed you. I've never seen that girl in my life. I get really... Yeah, you get really defensive.

What are you... Why are you asking questions? Why the fuck does it matter to you? Oh, now I can't have other friends? Yeah, I can't have friends. Is this how we're starting our relationship? Yeah, I actually hang out with this person a couple times a week. We hang out in a ball pit.

Around 6.30 to 7.30. Well, her parents are at30. Is that a problem? Is that coming the way of this? Yeah. Target's open all the time. Now I can't go places other than Target just because it's great. Yeah, I can't go within 1,000 feet of a school. Yeah, and this girl who had not a whole lot of interest in me

was just probably interested in getting free coffee at Starbucks. Yeah. Yeah, would be like in getting free coffee at Starbucks. Yeah. Yeah, I would be like, oh, okay. Classic high school type thing. Yeah. Well, except she was probably super interested because I'm so charismatic and good with women. Super like... Yeah, kind of like a Casablanca type guy.

There's a... Man, I wish I could remember his name. No, Casanova. Casablanca. No, Casablanca is just the movie with... I don't get it. Gregory Peck or whatever. Yeah.

I was like... I said that and then I was like, man, I've watched Casablanca. What? That guy was... I mean, he was charming and stuff, but it was just because he was Gregory Peck. That wasn't like the main part of the movie.

Gregory Peck had game, dude. Dude, he was late. He had it on lock. That man had a chin that could tunnel through a mountain. Yeah. That was your Tonka Trunk moment. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See, Gregory Beck, you know, if you're listening from the grave, you have my respect, uh, just as a classically handsome gentleman who was good at his job.

You can use some more of those in this cold, cold world. And I hope you weren't like a pedophile or anything, cause I'm not going to look it up. And if, if you were, somebody's going to tell me, I'm not going to feel that up, and if you were, somebody's going to tell me. I'm not going to feel that bad about it,

but it's whatever, you know. Yeah, it's whatever. There was a, it reminded me of, I can't think of his name, it pissed me the fuck off. There's a pickup artist guy on Twitter, and he's like big on Instagram, and he like, he's like also a championship kickboxer,

and he does those videos in his course where he's like, quit fucking complaining, get in the gym, and fucking work out, and fuck bitches, because she's not going to fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, like super massage. Anyway, I was always kind of like, how does this guy make his money? I was just curious.

So I Googled and read about him. He runs a camming warehouse in Romania where women diddle themselves. Yeah. And he takes a cut of it. And I was thinking, I was like, why Romania? And then I remembered, it's like, oh, this guy's definitely running women. I don't have any proof, but it's like, you can do that in LA. It's a pretty lucrative gig, I guess, if you have no soul.

Like, you can do that in L.A. It's a pretty lucrative gig, I guess, if you have no soul. But it's, like, why in a country that has, like, very lax prostitution laws that are, like, they're, quote-unquote, like, sexually liberated or whatever in that way, like Denmark or whatever. And it's, like, oh, yeah, he's probably, like, running women out of that world. Like, if you find out where it is and he's cool with you, he's, like, yeah, you can have one of them. Like, I don't care. They're runaways. You know, like, I don't, it's not a big deal to me have one of them. Like, I don't care. You're runaways. It's not a big deal to me.

What, you want two? I don't care, you know. Yeah. I don't know what I'd do if I was gifted a woman's life. I probably, I mean, I know I wouldn't do anything bad. That sounds like I'm, like, in a morally... Like, oh, should I kill her? That's a very weird question to pose yourself. No, but it's like...

What I suppose gifted a human being. I'm like, do I give you money to start a new life? Or... Yeah. Do you want to go back to Romania? He's going to find you again. Yeah. Or...

You want to come to Texas? The thing or and this could be the thing is this could be like easily a Julia Roberts movie from her back in the day where she like falls in love with you know

whoever it is who just just decides not to you know you know you know but uh

yeah I uh I think You know, but yeah. I think – Do you ever think about that? You probably think about that a lot. Yeah, I think about that a lot. There's a guy coming up to me in kind of a shawl, like a wizard's robe, and he's got a rune, and he's like, I will give you this woman. And I'm like, oh, dope. This happens a lot.

I know exactly what to do. And then he'd be like, you do whatever you want with her but you can't set her free and I'd be like man I know this dude this happens once a week I don't know probably teach her tricks and shit I would buy a gay prostitute and just make him mow my lawn

he's like down on his luck guy yeah you know somewhere in manhattan and you know you're like uh all right i'm gonna give you about 10 grand you gotta come out to texas though oh oh okay uh and get there and he's uncertain apprehensive all right i got a riding lawnmower and i got a couple of hedge trimmers out there and a couple weed whackers i'm gonna go to my house uh you just get to work uh i don't really like want to talk to you or anything like that um but uh got a big yard so it's gonna be a long day here's 300 bucks you go to tractor supply and get you some normal clothes yeah uh you. I don't know why you're wearing this lace tunic, but I don't need you in that.

That's going to get caught up in the weed eater. Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to show you how to use it. Maybe penetration rated. Show you how to use a power washer. I want my deck looking pristine because I got a barbecue next week. You read Home and Garden, right? Something like that.

How them houses look, that's what I want my house to my son's dead so yeah i kind of i do this like once a month you know i got money like that so yeah that would be crazy that would be so cool everybody listening is like wow you guys are so funny. You're so cool. You're so – We're not – this is my – I'm turning against the whole theme here, all right? Yeah. I'm refusing to ride the wave. See, it's easy for us to coast and just roll and say things that are slightly funny for an hour. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm here to start a revolution. Yeah. All right? This is a new wave. We're not going to say anything cool anymore. We're going to wear leather jackets when we record, and we're just going to do, like, cultural commentary, but not PC. We're going to say stuff like, you know. I'm tired of all these liberals.

I'm tired of them, dude. I'm sick and tired of them. And let me tell you, I think that they should get the wall. Yeah. Dude, they should get fucking the wall. I wear aviators, and you're trying to mess with me right now. Yeah, I wear aviators to the 7-Eleven. Yeah.

To pull out cash to buy ketamine. Yeah. And so I think that what should happen to liberals is they should get assassinated by the police the police which i'm a member of by the way the the communist revolution would definitely take a guy like me five eight buck 25 to be the new spetsnaz um and i would probably be like commissar or something you know yeah like ministry or just you know because i'm really smart too and super strong and uh really good at like guns and fighting and stuff. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, thanks for coming to the DSA meeting.

Yeah. I tell everyone that I'm not allowed within 100 feet of any woman here. This is how I have to start this off. Yeah. So that's why you guys are so far away. How about the Gestapo? They're just looking under tables and stuff for hot guys. Yeah. Gestapo. You know, looking under tables and stuff for hot guys. Gestapo. You know, it's got some legs.

It's grown. People think this is easy. People think I can come up with this stuff in my sleep. I'll tell you what I can come up with in my sleep. Apnea. An angel with a thousand eyes and a heart that beats like a like an organ you ever visit that uh helen keller church in the dc no i'm not it's like the national uh

cathedral or whatever but she's like in a tomb there it's kind of cool yeah you've been there but now um i i i went on a field trip to washington dc uh in eighth grade because, you know, I'm really rich like that. And the National Cathedral is a beautiful place. It's got like, it's all like stained glass windows. But it's like, they're like almost monuments in terms of like how each one is designed. A lot of them are from, are like, you know, know super old but there's a few newer ones too and she's uh helen keller um rest in peace she passed away recently but she's buried there

like entombed if you go down some stairs and the tour guide if you go there, they'll say, this was one of Helen Keller's favorite places. She loved it here. But from the perspective of someone who can see and hear just fine, if you close my eyes, and let's say, put some earplugs in me. I don't know how bad not being able to hear is.

Maybe you can hear a little bit. Maybe she can hear some whispers. And you made me walk around in there, maybe with a cane. I'm just going to run into benches the whole time. It's like being in a big field full of benches. I would hate it there. It's just a place to sit down. There's no way that Helen Keller loved it in the National Cathedral.

It's just a... Not that it's a bad place, it's just a regular... The only places you could... Would you even enjoy being in a field? Because then you're just lost. You're gone. I imagine that your sense of smell is probably pretty acute, so if it's like a cow field, no,

but maybe like a field of lilies or something. I don't know. I mean, you've got to have... Maybe did they put a leash on her or something? Like a halter? She had a saddle. Like one of those horse blinders on her? How about Ratatouille, but it's just he's got a saddle

and he's making Alan Keller run laps, getting her ready for the Olympics. Something to think about. He grew up in, you know, where did he grow up? He grew up in a Harlem attic, you know, watching SportsCenter, and now he's making this poor girl, you know, get ready. It's probably easy for her to do push-ups, you know. Yeah. Form-wise, not complicated.

Pull-ups, imagine you'd smash your head a few times, but you'd get down. Yeah, you'd have to try and do a muscle-up and you'd just dislocate both your shoulders. Yeah. Yeah. You ever done a muscle-up? I used to be able to, but my shoulders are too fucked now. How about you you keep bringing that up showing off i'm jay let me bring this up i can do a muscle up let me just tell you that

we not we're talking about helen keller yeah god i can't stand you i don't know man it's see everybody people think because we do this that we like each other I despise we're we're beefing like Stephen yeah we beef a lot and uh

beef like Steve Steve beef hey beef stew got the teeth too that's my uncle

used to say before he would lock me in a closet yeah before he'd have a seizure teeth too. That's what my uncle used to say. Before he would lock me in a closet? Yeah, before he'd have a seizure. Just imagine a big fat guy like he's the cool uncle and you're like, I can't wait to go hang out with Uncle Thomas. It's just like, I got the beef stew and the teeth too and they have a full-blown grand mal feature just shaking like foam at the mouth for like 20 minutes

yeah i'll never forget that. It's like my dad used to say. It's like my father told me right after he hurt his back. He said, Stays with you, you know., stays with you, you know. Stays with you, you know. It's the words of my grandfather before he was shot to death in a robbery. He's, oh, oh, fuck.

Just a cartoon pain. Oh, oh. Nag, nag, nag. Getting, like, your head stomped in and a mugging in your life and you're like gee golly you're golly we're quite an animal anyway see that's one of those things cartoon deaths like they're funny on screen and you know you think uh you know but if that happened in real life. But, dude, if an anvil fell on my best friend's head and killed him instantly, I would, it would be sad, okay?

But first instinct, dude, I would laugh so hard. That is one of the most, maybe that's just me. You can cut that part. No, I was just thinking about like. Like getting killed by like a p a grand piano or something like come on yeah it's it's it's if i'm like standing in line like you know we're trying to get into a bar or something i'm just like yeah man it's like we can get out of here after um just bar hop meet meet the girls or whatever later on and then like as i'm speaking to them

a normal conversation like a fucking trash can filled with fish skeletons falls from the sky and just decapitates them. Yeah. Before I started freaking out, I'd be like, man, that was pretty good. Yeah, I've lost seven nephews to them lighting a stick of TNT that looked like a candle. Mm-hmm. And it blows their nose off and their face gets all covered in soot. Yeah, and then they smile real big. They got huge teeth.

Mm-hmm. They already had huge teeth. Actually. And they were already wearing, you know, big red lipstick, too. Yeah? Were they? Yeah, well, because

I'm inclusive like that. Mm-hmm. Blackface nephews. Wow, Jake, that was quite a... See, I can do that now. I just looked at the audio waves on that. Dude, it looks like... You ever hear whale calls?

Yeah. It looks like... Yeah. This is a good one I uh my brother was on my youtube and one of the most recent things was scary music from hereditary that I had searched. And he was like, why did you search that? And I told him,

I think I've told you this before. I don't remember, but when debt collectors call me, uh, like, and it's from a one 800 number. I know it's not like a robo debt call. Like there's a motherfucker on the phone when I pick it up. Yeah.

I'll quickly go to the, like, if I'm working on my laptop, it's only when I'm working that I can quickly just Google really scary, spooky music. And I play it. And then I just go like to the, like if I'm working on my laptop, it's only when I'm working that I can quickly, I just Google really scary, spooky music. I play it. And then I just go like, yeah,

yeah. Into the phone until I hang up. And I hear them on the speakerphone. They're like, I'm, I'm looking for a Jake Rhodes. Uh, what account needs to be settled up?

And then like, and it's like, you know, eerie, like piano, off key scratching sounds. And I'm like... And like, dude, most hang up within like 10 seconds.

But every now and then, this has only happened once, actually, somebody will like... I guess somebody's really intent on collecting that debt that day and those calls are recorded also so like they have those on file i guess for whatever if they want to be a small claims court and also maybe to the hospital he sat on the phone for like a minute actually to the point where i was like uh man i really expect you to hang up and he was like oh okay so we need to talk i just i hung up him, but I was like, that guy's life definitely rocks. He's definitely doing good where he's just not fazed by this at all.

Yeah. Like the names that he's called on a daily basis, which is, you could not imagine probably. Yeah, yeah. Well, you could, but, you know. Pretty easily, actually. I'm doing it right now, actually. Here are the things I'm... I'm thinking of.

Yeah. Yeah, like, I don't know, I still don't know if this is illegal, but I used to, when debt collectors would call me, they'd be like, look over Jake Rhodes or whatever,

and I'd be like, oh, yeah, excuse me, sorry, like I choked up on the phone, I'd be like oh yeah excuse me sorry I choked up on the phone this is his brother we're settling everything up but he's dead and they'd be like

oh my god and they were like oh you know well thank you they just get off the phone and then I told a story to somebody and they were like I don know well thank you sorry like they just get off the phone and then like i told a story to somebody and they kind of said what you they were like i don't know if it's illegal but if they remove that debt under the assumption that you're a dead person i'm pretty

sure that's super yeah like super illegal and i wasn't doing it to get the debt removed necessarily i was doing it because it's funny to me i don't want to pay the debt you know i'm not trying to pull one over on anybody but it's fun funny to me to fuck with those people. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, they would not just immediately close the account. No, they would go through several open public records, find death certificates. They would announce it at your funeral. This was one of the

brokest dudes who ever lived. We just want y'all to know. Credit score? Anyone in the audience, empty your pockets, please. Yeah. Any donations, don't make it to the funeral. Make it to the following bank as he defaulted on a loan we made for a 2014 Kawasaki motorcycle. I do want to get a motorcycle, man. You want like a crotch rocket or like a Harley?

No, I want like a shorty bike. Like all matte black. Like Curtis has a cool bike. Yeah, he's got like the Indian. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, huh, maybe I'll rob you one day. If I'm ever up in that area, wherever the fuck you live. Curtis, if you're listening, I don't plan on robbing you.

You're a cool guy. No, I do want to get one, but my mom, she's weird. All the stupid shit I've done in my life, times I guess I should have died. She's like, if you get a motorcycle, I'm going to disown you. I'm like, okay, well, I'm not getting an inheritance, so I don't know what you're going to disown me from. She's not exaggerating she's like i will literally like i i cannot think about you having a motorcycle it'll scare me to death and i'm like i used to mix drugs like all day every day like she was like yeah that scared me too and i was like so you did never disown me for that but getting a motorcycle and

she's like yeah i can't handle it and i'm like do you think i'm gonna do evil kenevil shit like i would probably barely ever ride it like yeah i just want to have one like if i do want to go riding like to have it yeah i i've always wanted like like a big or like not like like a chopper yeah dude like yeah like i want to sit sit low yeah with the handlebars like seven feet above your head. Because I'm realistic. I know I'm only getting fatter from this point. Easily.

Like, why do you say easily? Well, you know, it's just, you said it, man. Well, I said it. I didn't say easily. Maybe I was thinking about myself. This is my last chance to finish. No, we were talking about me I said I know this

and you said easily big fat elephant hippo huge fat guy you big fat freak you big stupid obese fat

huge fat big and fat guy that's what you said to me anyway anyway it's all downhill from here most definitely so if i get like a small motorcycle i'm not like a crazy big guy but like you look way cooler if you're like funny you look cool on a small motorcycle only if you're like lean you know like i can't imagine being a fat guy on a tiny motorcycle i'm not putting myself through that no yeah people will you'll become a meme yeah because i got yeah i got big haunches and stuff dude i'm not fit i'm not putting myself on a tiny motorcycle i think it would be cool if you got a big motorcycle, but you just – you became fatter than you anticipated, so it still looked like that. I'm thinking –

Like 600 pounds. Yeah, I'm thinking like 240. Probably cruising that. Dude, I was 265, and let me tell you, man. Okay, it was nice. it wasn't nice at all it was it helped that i'm tall yeah it was like 265 under like 265 unless you're a powerlifter a bodybuilder or six eight get the fuck out of here yeah like i was dude i like uh i was getting like making noises when i breathe fat like i would like during the day, you know? Yeah.

And I'll look at pictures and I'm like, dude, what, like I know what happened. I was eating like, like I was like going through some shit and like drinking way too much and eating like chicken wings all fucking day. But I was like, if I looked like this at 265, which was abysmal, people, like, what if I, what is 365? Like, just another 40 pounds. Like, what if I just said, fuck it, went to 300, you know? Yeah, I mean, I've known guys who are super tall and, like, mildly chubby, and they were, like, over 300. 310 or something. Yeah.

And it's, like, it's crazy to me i mean obviously that's i'm not trying to like make anyone feel bad but like that's not a healthy amount of weight to carry around you know no like you're i mean just being tall you're not going to live that long anyway i'll let you know but like but like the idea of because the the level of fat that they will look at that this specific three people i'm thinking of like it is like me weighing like five pounds more than i do right now like yeah that would be crazy to just yeah you hit 400 pounds and everyone thinks you're like oh you you drink like an extra beer or something you know yeah? Yeah. But yeah. The guys that like fight in the heavyweight and UFC, they walk around at like 265 and they're like, like, yeah, like 6'6", 6'7". And I'm like, like, so if you're cutting to 265 and you're jacked at 265, that means you're probably walking around like at or near 300.

Yeah, definitely. And I'm like, and even then you're probably still in great shape so i'm like what happens when these guys retire you know and you're like and it's like i mean like i just would never people like i was being tall it's like dude i would never want to be like six eight because first of all if you're over like six five that's the only thing that strangers like possible new friends are going to be able to say to you yeah yeah as a person who it's happened to me where i'm like i mean like somebody's like oh hey this is uh my friend john he came to hang out and he's like six nine or six eight and i'm like dude you shouldn't even be allowed to go outside you need to like

yeah kept in a cage yeah no i uh it's funny with like super heavyweights and you know like and heavyweights too like where people are like oh yeah dude like you get up to a certain weight class and they're just awful at fighting you know because they wear out quick and it's like it's not like these guys aren't hitting cardio yeah it's like you're at that weight because i've been uh i'm not sure how heavy i was in my biggies probably 240 ish not like crazy but that was a super out of shape 240 ish oh yeah and and like just going down like 10 pounds from that, I'm further down than that now, but just losing like 10 pounds, which didn't take long with how bad my lifestyle was. I was like, oh dude, this is game changer.

Because before, I would walk up a flight of stairs and be out of breath for,, I've got, um, like pretty decent asthma. It would take me like no exaggeration, 30 minutes to catch my breath. Yeah. I mean, I was, I was probably going to die when I was like 22, but that's a different story. But like just, just now being, um, I don't know, two 10, maybe two 15 on Thanksgiving.giving um like just the difference in moving around is amazing but also like we're we tend to we're like roughly the same way you're actually you're like lower now but i think i'm 195 yeah yeah so that's a actually pretty significant difference but um 195 yeah yeah so that's a actually pretty significant difference but um

i've been down to like 200 and dude it's so much easier to like just like i step down from a trailer now and i have to like brace my weight or my knee will like not give out but i'll like definitely worry about it for sure you're kind of like yeah it'll be like yeah and when i was whenever i was fat dude i because i've got real bad ankles, I would sprain an ankle, no joke, every like two months and just be hobbling around. It was super embarrassing one time because I was hanging out with some friends. And I don't know if I've told this story before, but one of them I was good friends with.

He's one of my best friends still, but the others, like, I didn't know that well. Like they were kind of recent, like mostly just mutual friends. And I, we were at a park just hanging out, you know, and I go down a playground slide half as a joke, but also cause you know, I'm at a park I'm gonna slide yeah not a tall probably a 12-foot high slide yeah hit the bottom ankle pops like they were pretty far away and could hear and it is just destroyed just lightly get gently going down a slide. Yeah. And I'm not going to admit that I might have broken it.

Like, it hurt so bad. But they were like, dude, are you good? And I was like, yeah, man. Why are you asking me? It feels good, actually. But in my head, I was like, dude, you are an elephant. You are the fattest man in the world. And I just walked on it, like, immediately. Because I was like, dude, you are an elephant. You are the fattest man in the world. And I just – I walked on it like immediately because I was like, they're not going to know.

Even though I was like just dripping sweat and so much agony. Yeah, I had a – the last time I went to New York in 2019, I was at my heaviest. That was like right before I went and worked at a refinery and lost like 30 pounds in a month and a half just working seven 12s. But I was like two 65, two 62, 65. And like all of my friends at that point, like, um, they were like in incredible shape. Like one of my friends had quit drinking and he was like a year and a half sober. He just lost like 35 pounds. My other friend and roommate at the time had really dedicated himself to like Olympic lifting and like cutting and was like, like just sculpted.

And my other friends are just gym rats. Like they just, and so anyway, we're walking around Manhattan, dude. And I'm not kidding. Like I would, I would go like a city block and I would, and I was also smoking like a pack a day at the time and I'd be like hey can we swing in man like just grab a beer or something like have a seat because we got a lot of walking to do today

and I don't want to burn myself out and they were like we have I can see the Airbnb it's just past the light like we walked out of the door and I see like do you just want to go back and i'm like no man i want to see the city like i like i came here i paid the money so like i'll just tough it out man and then like two blocks later like they were making fun of me i'd be like

hey uh there's a there's a bar right up there like let's let's sit down like grab a cigarette like chill out and they're like dude we're walking to like we're walking to a different borough it's gonna be like a three mile walk so i need you to mentally understand that like we're not gonna stop for your fat fucking ass you know like that was also a time i've definitely told that told you this but same time when i'm it was one degree we're in the subway station and i'm pouring sweat and my friend cameron's like hey man why are you sweating right now? And I'm like, dude, it's hot. He pulls his phone out and shows one. And, dude, I was pouring sweat. And he was like, dude, you really need to lose some fucking weight, man.

I'm not even trying to be a dickhead. You are unhealthy and you're fat. And I was fucked up, drunk, and I just had a bunch of dim sum. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to get around to it. So as we get back from this trip,'m gonna I'm gonna get my life together you know but it was it was bad dude like I don't know how many like people I annoyed like not for being fat just generally that but being like going out to go hiking or going out to the river and just being like I'm gonna sit on this tree stump, man, for like seven hours. Like, I'll catch you on the way back, you know?

Yeah, I specifically remember at one point I had a friend who was living on the – I still have this friend. He didn't die or we didn't fall out or anything. But I did have him at the time also as a friend. He lived on the third story of this apartment complex. And I would, I'd like to say I was going to be there at a certain time and I'd get there, you know, roughly that time. Yeah. And then like, it would take me like 12 minutes to be up at his apartment, like at the door.

He'd be like, hey man, you still coming? I'd be like, yeah, man. Second flight. I'm, second flight of stairs. I'm grabbing smoke real quick, man. I'll be,

be right up there. I'm throwing up over the side of this railing and I'll, I'll be, I'll be right there, man. Don't even sweat it. I come up and I'm just clearly having an asthma attack at this house party.

I'm just, oh, yeah, it's rough. When I first moved back, right after I got the job in Houston to plant, I was making money for the first time in forever, like good money. And so I went to a CrossFit gym around the corner because I was like, I need to get back in shape before I was going to start boxing again. Because I go, I've been doing it off and on for like 10 years but way more often on like two three year breaks when i get really depressed and really big anyway like uh i show up to this gym and i got

my running shoes and dude i had not lifted or ran at this point probably like a year and a half two years maybe like i just been completely like fucked up on drugs and drinking and doing nothing jacking off all day and this crossfit like crossfit instructors it's like a gamble some of them they're like licensed personal trainers and they understand like really out of shape people how bad their joints are and they're very they work with you they scale things down like the guy I that I work out with now like the strength and conditioning coach at my boxing gym, he's one of those guys. And then you have the motherfuckers

who are like, we're gonna get it today. Here's your first day back and you gotta make an impression on yourself and you believe in yourself and you trust in the Lord. So what we're gonna do today

is you're gonna snatch and clean 315 pounds. Yeah. I've never done a snatch. I've never deadlifted in my fucking life. That's right, you've never done a snatch.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. All right. Yep. And my computer fans started going in. And I was like, man, I don't understand these movements. Like, I don't want to hurt myself, you know?

Like, this, I don't understand this movement. And I was like, is there I don't understand these movements. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't understand this movement. I was like, is there a way to scale it? What can I do or whatever? He's like, yeah, so we'll just scale the weight down. I was like, okay, I'm going to do the bar. He's like, no, you're a big guy. I walked out halfway through the workout. I was like, no, man, thanks for the free trial or whatever,

but if I work out here, I'm going to, like, blow both my knees up. And a lot of those CrossFit guys that go after it, like, compete, they have dogshit joints because, like, muscle-ups are bad for your shoulders. Like, doing, like, trying to get, like, the hypertrophy or the strength or whatever to do 50 chin-ups for a competition, like, unless you're, like, trying to, like, I guess be in the military or whatever or whatever, or try out or whatever. I feel like doing 80 weighted chin-ups a day, every day, is bad for you. Not underhanded, but overhanded traditional.

Bad for your shoulders. Because I have dogshit shoulders from jiu-jitsu and shit. And I'm like, that can't be good. And they're always like, no man, my hips are fucked from squats and deadlifting. And I'm like, okay, so maybe stop. like lighten the weight and they're like never brother not a day and not i wouldn't even ever consider it yeah yeah that's one thing i've had to realize with like heavier lifting because i'm very like max oriented on everything even though i don't have impressive maxes you know yeah but uh like i'll like last year i trained

heavy for like eight months straight yeah um and i didn't start doing um deload weeks you know what that is so whenever you i don't know how i imagine it's fairly common, but if you're lifting heavy, that's your main thing. I did hypertrophy work and stuff too, but I was lifting heavy every day that I worked out. Basically, you have one week at the end of the month where you just do light stuff and a lot of reps to give your joints a break. But I didn't do that for like a year. I just went, I just went hard every time until failure. Yeah.

My shoulders were just terrible. And then I started just like doing a little cardio and other stuff and immediately felt 10 times better. Like my maxes started exploding because my shoulders weren't, um, undergoing, uh, a complete breakdown every 18 hours.

That was nice. Yeah. I can't really PR on bench anymore. I benched for the first time in forever because my shoulder, like the other day I told you, I was like, wow, this is pathetic. I'm a grown man. It was pathetic.

I also remember that I have done irreparable, terrible damage to my right shoulder and my left one. Fuck too. And it's like, I like beat myself up, but it's like, well, you know,

like you're never going to be the guy that benches like 300 pounds. Like, it's just, you're, you're, it's just never happened. Like it's okay. It's cool.

But in my mind, I'm like, no, you got to fucking, you know, cause I'm stupid as fuck. And like, you gotta fucking you know because i'm stupid as fuck and like you know i can't like put that aside or whatever um same thing with like squatting because my knees like it's in the family it's like a knee thing so like you know like i can

like leg press i could go really heavy but squatting not really and like dead lifting like no like uh it's just it's just bad for my fucking knees and you know i'm like see people like deadlift like four or five plates and i'm like fuck yeah god damn it you know like yeah i always get uh because like lifting is such a long-term thing yeah it's way easier to just lose fat and build a little bit. Like building strength is such a – like there's guys my age who can bench and squat and dead way, way more than me. And I'll be like, maybe genetics or something.

And then I remember these guys have been lifting a lot of them since like seventh grade you know yeah they've been working on this for like eight years so it's like well you started when you were like super fat and like on drugs and 19 years old yeah their body is like conditioned from puberty to lift heavy weight yeah there would be guys that would they hit the thousand pound club in my high school uh and it would be like 16 year olds like you know like uh what is it squat bench deadlift i think yeah where it like equals a thousand or whatever yeah and like guys that are 16 years old and i was like i remember like at 16 i was like why can't i do that and i was like oh yeah like not only are these guys like just genetically like they're linebackers it's like you spend all they do in

keyboard cleaner and acid and you eat like popcorn chicken from sonic that's been in the fridge for three days and you like you know smoke weed every single day and so like that's why and but in my mind like my own ego i guess i was like dude if I just put in six months I could bench 285 for reps and it's like no you can barely bench a plate on eat like you can barely be 135 okay yeah lifestyle is a big factor it's it's also funny like you guys will be you know putting up crazy maxes and like what they do throughout the day is like they had they work like at best buy or something yeah and uh and then i get mad because i'll work for 11 hours like hauling logs or like doing construction type stuff and i'm like yeah dude i can like 225 is like kind of heavy today yeah like i can do it but like this doesn't feel

right i'm like yeah man probably because you like minorly tear your rotator cuff every day yeah yeah and you're exhausted and you haven't had a drink of water since 10 a.m yeah yeah like most people don't have the resources to do everything no and it's like yeah like i like the the time that i was super in shape and like leaned out and like like muscle mass or whatever was when i was like 20 and in college and like i had scheduled purposely scheduled like that semester to where i never had friday classes and everything was in uh the morning so i would like go to class and then i this is like we were talking about it earlier like i would probably this is when i was working out at the gym like and not like alone so i wasn't bullshitting like it was just putting in work two and a half three hours like i would do it i would do like 45 minutes an hour cardio and then i would

lift heavy as fuck for two hours and i had like push pull days like i was trying to be super like like professional with it or whatever well as close as professional as you can at 20 with like a school gym yeah a small school gym a small school gym and but like I think about that now and like I have a lot of time now and so far as I work remotely but like I don't have that kind of time

because like mentally it's a lot of like to have like Monday be like push arms Tuesday like you know like like legs and back or whatever and then like Wednesday's pull are like to have to think about it that much like I just don't have that kind of like band mental bandwidth anymore you know yeah it's uh it's it's rough with having like a a physical job and then yeah also pushing heavy I'd say, which I'm not going to be like,

like there's guys who work concrete all day and then can bench four or five. So, I mean, I'm not like, I, dude, I could be pulling 700 right now. Cause I couldn't, but like, or whenever I first started my new job, it's like, like landscaping was pretty physical, but it was mostly just like uh it wasn't super heavy you know it was just kind of menial but i like destroyed my back doing a deadlift wrong and then i just had to i didn't tell anyone i just wore a weight belt under my coat for like two days at work and i would just pick up stuff with my like i would bend and pick up logs from the side with one hand yeah and like dude it hurt it hurts so bad but i can't imagine

like because my job's pretty physical but there's guys who have worse jobs and and do more stuff and they're still putting civil work like yeah kind of off topic but like i remember i made friends with this guy who uh dug ditches and poured concrete uh like laying foundation for like where we're going to build tanks like to mix the plastic or whatever i made friends with him and he asked me first he was like you know what do you make out here like as an apprentice and i was like oh the hourly is not that great but with the overtime it's pretty good, like 18 an hour. Plus I get per diem, so it's actually kind of more like, you know, like in the mid to high 20s because of my per diem.

He was like, that's dope. And I was like, what do they pay the civil guys out here? And he was like, oh, dude, I get paid $36 an hour. And I was like, dude, we were working like 7-12s with like a fatigue day on the 13th day. We worked two weeks straight. And I remember being like, thinking back, I had a flashback. My mom was like, you need to go to college or you're going to be a ditch digger.

And I was like, dude, ditch diggers at like plants? I don't know about just digging like ditches for like, you know, like residential, like pond, but like doing civil work. Jesus Christ. These guys were making some of the best money on the fucking job site. Like it was insane. They weren't even foreman. They were just fucking like, like laborers. Yeah. Doing civil work? Jesus Christ, these guys were making some of the best money on the fucking job site. Like, it was insane. They weren't even foremen.

They were just fucking, like, laborers. Yeah. Yeah, now, I mean, you can also make $5 an hour doing that. It depends on who you... Yeah, that's a good point, too. Yeah. That's one reason I quit landscaping is because anytime I did my own jobs, like side jobs, which wasn't all the time, I'd make, like... Because I didn't charge crazy because, you crazy because if you're just some college kid, you really can't. Yeah.

Like $25 an hour, something like that. But sometimes – because I got paid – I was day labor at my job. So sometimes I'd make like $20 an hour and then sometimes i'd work crazy shifts i'd be like digging holes for like 50 gallon trees and making like seven dollars an hour doing it yeah and i just remember one day i it was it was five sun was going down because it was it was whatever time of year it was like uh late fall yeah it was getting cold and i've been digging and planning stuff all day and i was like all right uh all right boss you want me to go ahead and pick up tools and he was like oh no man i forgot you got to dig this one giant tree still

it's gonna take you like 40 minutes you know and i was like, yes, I'll do this for like one more week. And I'm not, not doing this ever again. That was, I'm going home, you know. Not dug the tree because I'm a little cuck like that, but. I remember the, like right before they laid me off, they had moved me to work on the, like the truck that like delivered, that delivered shit to different parts of the plant, but also replaced all the water bottles. It was summer out there, and it was hot. So I would refill ice chests.

Because they hired another mechanic. They didn't need an apprentice anymore, and they didn't want to pay me that. Anyway, they said, okay, so we need you. Don't come in at 630 like everybody else. You're going to come in now at 5, you and this other guy, and you're going to like basically like set the whole like warehouse up. So when the guys come here, because they were doing a big push, it was like I think we worked like, I don't know, 15, 16 days straight,

which I didn't even know it was legal. Was that a fatigue day? But we did. And I was like, okay, so you want me to get here at 5 in the morning and then we work. So they're 12 hours. So what would be my 12 hours? The plant's still open for an hour and a half. So this is 13 and a half hour shifts.

And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, every day for 12 days in a row? And they'd be like, uh-huh. And I was like, I am going to quit this job. Like, I would be so like, I would come home. I was staying with my mom at the time, dude. And I would get home and I would go to the store and I would buy a big tall boy or like a 40.

And I'm like, fuck, I need this beer. I need this beer. I'd be thinking about the whole way fucking home on the freeway. I'd get inside my mom's apartment. I would sit down on the fucking couch and I would pass out with the beer unopened in my hand with my boots and shit everything's still on like i would pass the fuck out yeah it's just like i just i had not i and again like you said there are guys that like they do that shit and then they go to the gym for three hours

yeah they're just freaks dude just insane psychos yeah i had a on a closing note i i had whenever i worked warehouse um i ended up uh the night shifts threw my whole like everything off dude and i ended up having this like weird manic episode where i would work it was an hour drive i would work like 13 hours so like 15 hours dedicated i couldn't sleep at all so i would work out for like two hours i would go on my way home and then go home and sleep for like 45 minutes and then go work and i did that for like a couple weeks and then i would crash and i would sleep through my alarm i'd sleep like 12 hours and then i would crash and i would sleep through my alarm i'd sleep like 12 hours and then i would show up like halfway through my shift and they'd be like you know you need to be a little bit more dedicated to this yeah you know all right i'm

sorry but also if you talk to me one more time i'm gonna go out my car and i'm gonna drive it through the gate until one of the guards shoots me so how about you just leave me alone for a minute yeah they got really strict with shit at my old job and it was like if you didn't have if you had so they had the 50-50 shades so they're like

they're tinted so the sun doesn't burn your fucking eyes out of your head and then they had the clear ones if you walked into the warehouse with the 50-50s on they would write you up because like it was hard to see invisibility was bad because we had an accident and then like that next day we had a pretty bad one so for like two weeks dude like i would just forget it's fucking 110 degrees dude i'd have my 50 50s on i'd get out of my truck i'd go to the warehouse to get something and i would keep them on and the foreman would fucking, hey, I fucking done told you. Fucking three times, motherfucker.

I'm about to send you home. And I would be like, okay. I got about two hours left. We're on day 13. I'm at like 35 hours of overtime at time and a half. I would love to go home because that means I still have a couple bit of energy left. And I can get fucked up and sit in front of the TV and maybe watch a movie before I fall asleep. You know, like,

you got me, you know, fucking checkmate retard. Well, that'll do it. Yeah, that'll do it. Folks, this is a freebie, correct? Yeah, if you're listening to this, go on over to patreon.com slash

bendejotime and give us a sub. We're damn near close to 200, and that would be a cool milestone. I would love it. If you do that, I'm going to make Jake quit his job. Yeah, I would quit. And he'll have to figure things out because that is not enough money for him to pay rent or anything. I'm going to make him do it. I'm going to manipulate him.

And, yeah, maybe I'll keep my job and everything but he'll be out on the streets selling his body for money and stuff yeah you guys go over and sub appreciate y'all checking in bye bye have a good one