Pendejo Time - maroon 5 IQ

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

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to the mic check one two to the fucking god damn it whatever man i'm turning red and green and blue i'm turning red and green and blue i'm the brown m&m and i'm sexy too they took off all my underwear and made me a guy because of politics or something what'd they do to the green m&m they took her they they no they took her they changed her shoes shoes. She wore like high heels or pumps or something before. Oh, and they took it. Now she's got sneakers like some kind of lesbo. That's awesome. Isn't that something?

That's awesome. You know, I hate it when they take away my favorite candy, Sex Appeal. You know, something I don't understand, and the way the world's going, is when I want to jack off to the green M&M's feet, I don't want to see no lesbian Reeboks. I want to see a nice pair of red pumps. Whenever I see them dusty-ass White Air Forces, it does not turn me on. It goes soft as a gummy worm.

I can't handle it no more. Remember whenever they stopped making hot tamales look like a pecker? Yeah, I know. They straightened it out. They got rid of the curve on it. No, Mike and Ike's now, he's just straight as an arrow, man. Ain't got no curve or nothing. Now it's just Mike and Velma.

Yep, exactly. Instead of Mike and Ike, just two. It's a guy and a girl. I think if they fuck up one more candy, I am going to set fire to the state capitol. I'm going to hang myself with a bunch of Twizzlers tied up in intricate knots. I swear to God, man. This country's going to hell. I don't under...

Was any of that outrage real, or was that like a meme? I do remember reading about that. I think people were just mad because it was fucking stupid. I don't think anybody was like, this thing is hot. It's hot as fuck. It was just like, man, nobody gave a fuck about the green M&M. Yeah. I do.

Something for me that was astounding. Like, because for me, if you're actually mad about this, you're showing your hands, like, your hand is a, like, a real deranged, unhinged, fucking depraved animal. When they made Lola Bunny kind of, like, just like a fucking, like, not with huge fucking glistening tits. They just made her, like, I don't know, like a fucking normal rabbit with a shirt on. Dudes were coming out of the woodwork like, I fucking, this whole world is fucked. I can't do this shit no more i'm just mad because i can't i gotta check off the regular syrup now you know how the fuck am i supposed to do that it's just like a picture of a mill yeah it's fucking stupid that thing was awesome because if for i don't know if they're still like

this but for a bit if you go by the Pearl Mining or Milling Company or whatever, in little red letters it said, you know, same great flavor for Aunt Jemima. So it's still like, it's still there. They didn't really like do anything, even in like the superficial like bullshit way of like trying to be more progressive or whatever the fuck. Now it's Cousin Pearl. Cousin. They just double down, and it's like, Mammy's special syrup. We got two of them now. That's right, bitch.

Two Aunt Jemimas. Two Aunt Jemimas, and they're both fat as fuck. They're huge bitches. She's even blacker. She's even... She ain't no light-skinned auntie, I tell you that much. She's dark as hell. You know how funny it would be if they just gradually made her white, but like, just like a couple pixels at a time.

Yeah, over the course of like 10 years. Yeah, it's just like, man, Hinch and Mama's. They try to like. I'm taking some of that cream. They try to like Mandela effect their way out of it and just slowly make her Chinese. Like, nah, she's always been fucking. She's always been Korean, dude. I don't know what you're all fucking upset about.

You know, as a man who loves candy and syrup uh as a high iq fucking warrior i hate it when they make the m&m ugly when they make lola bunny stop doing that dude it's a vape trick you look like a fucking it's a i forgot to tell you um So I went to the doctor last week, and I didn't know they were going to do blood work. Yeah. And so I had lunch on the way there, and it was a fast food lunch. Right. And that's okay. It happens from time to time.

I didn't think anything of it. Right. I get my blood work back today, and they're like, Hey, man, I know we didn't ask you to fast before this so i understand it's not going to be a fasting level blood sugar you know right that's a whole different range a blood sugar reading should never be this high like ever it doesn't i don't know even if you just ate there is no how much did you like just the doctor just in his notes just seemed like how the fuck did you do this like how you had like two big gulps

dr pepper well i i had a double cheeseburger fries um a big duck or pepper and a Gatorade on the way over. Awesome. And that'll do it, it would seem. Yeah. It's fun to fuck up your, like, to really fuck your blood work up and your piss up and your blood pressure up and then, you know, get your results back and you're like, it's curtains for me. I'm done.

You know, it's funny because, like, insurance has to pay, like, 500 bucks or whatever for it just for me to be like, oops. Yeah, none of that was accurate. No, I had, like, fit, what, 67 grams of sugar, like, right before I came here. Yeah, I ate, like, an amount of food that would, like, kill anyone under 14 years old. Or over, over like 55. I when I was a kid, I used to think that Kool-Aid was healthier for you than soda. I don't know why this was not like there's no science, no evidence.

So I would make a bunch of Kool-Aid like nine or 10 years old or whatever. And I think I heard like on the news, you know, soda makes people fat. And I was like, well, I'm already a fat kid. I don't want to be I don't want to be fat. So I would make Kool-Aid, but I would make Kool-Aid with like half the like half the five gallon or five pound bag of sugar. I'm like, well, as long as it doesn't have any bubbles in it, you know, and I would like drink that all day. doesn't have any bubbles in it you know and i would like drink that all day and one time my mom caught me making kool-aid she was like uh do you always put this much sugar um i would literally just like with a big brick of like sugar comes like this i was like yeah so i was making she's

like you're not allowed to make that anymore like Like, you're not that. You're literally going to make yourself sick. And I'm like, oh, I'm sick. Actually, are you telling me this is bad? Because on the package, it just says grape. And as far as I know, grapes are super good for you. And sugar is, you know. You're mad at me for drinking basically a smoothie. Yeah. You're mad at me for, you you know basically trying to be a healthier fifth

grader you know i'm trying yeah i i remember all through middle school i was eating cliff bars constantly because i was like this is how you build muscle yeah it's a candy i just had like a fucking gut yeah but like on it you know like not on a big frame you know just like a fucking punch yeah yeah arms and legs yeah dude same that was like my build for a while like before i like i guess got more into like sports or i guess like kickboxer whatever but i think like when you're a kid and you don't have like because i told you about my dad. Like so my dad, when he would get in shape, I told you about his meal. It was that blended up fucking smoothie of peas and tuna and like fucking Tony Satchry's or whatever. My dad, you know, I was like, I'm not eating this shit or whatever.

He's like, you want to lose weight. You want to get in shape. Eat this all fucking day. It stinks like shit. Fucking taste grosser than hell. You know, but like as a kid, I had no like guidance in that way. It's like sort of a latchkey situation. So I like well what do we got in the pantry we got some tomato sauce we got some snickers rice crispy uh we got ramen so if i put um ramen is noodles so that's healthy

ramen is just soup so that's good i thought i had the same thing about like progresso and campbell's i'm like soup is basically what michael phelps eats he just eats fucking cans like 15 cans of canned soup a day and then he gets super shredded and he swims faster than fuck so that's what i'm gonna do i'm also gonna eat a whole sleeve of saltine crackers because that's just you know that's just like empty like it doesn't even have anything in it. It's nothing. They eat air. Yeah, there's no nutritional value to it whatsoever. It's just, like, 800 empty calories. So we're going to add that, stack that on the ramen and progressive soup thing. And then, you know, for dinner we're going to get, you know, a Little Caesars pizza.

But you're only going to eat two slices, but it's the two biggest slices. Because the people at Little Caesars don't know how to cut normally i remember like like when i was fat as fuck trying to lose weight and like i was like trying to like actually stay on a diet i would do that shit uh i would get like i would go get pizza like fuck up on a cheat day i was like i'm only gonna have two slices but i would get the slices that whoever cut it fucked up so it's like little caesars they don't really care so it would be like half the fuck you know what i'm talking about like yeah yeah so you're eating like it's only one slice you're like my roommates were like dude that's half that's half the pizza and i'm like no it's just it's one like my fitness pal says it's only 185 calories and they're like all right you know what man you're right yeah you fat motherfucker like you know no problem

whatsoever um yeah i remember when i started losing weight i got really mad because i couldn't eat a whole pizza in my car anymore yeah yeah i was like man this fucking sucks i can't do anything anymore my life is done My life fucking sucks now. Dude, one that really broke my heart, and this happened fairly recently. I think I was like 21 or 22. So, you know, like 55. How old am I? 90 years old.

Smoothie King. I would go get the Nutella one, like the protein chocolate, and I would get like the 32-ounce big one. Oh, God. And I was like was like well it's got protein powder and it's got bananas you know peanut butter that's good for you and then i like i like go to like input it into the app that i was using and it was like 865 i could have just gone and had like like a cheeseburger like like they were yeah and i dude that one really did get me and i'm an idiot for not knowing that. But I was like, dude, it's just peanut butter and bananas.

And I guess like five scoops of Nutella, which is just, I thought it was healthy. It's not. It's just chocolate. It's paste. I had a, I had a stomach bug last year. It was real bad. Yeah. And I had to get, had to get like IV injections.

Yeah. And I remember like walking out of that place with like a terrible headache. I'm super weak. I'd lost like 15 pounds in the last like 18 hours or whatever. And I remember there was, I was at the urgent care, and there was a smoothie king in the same plaza. And I was like, this is either going to like kill me on the spot or be like, yeah, or like, I'm just going to be fine. Yeah.

And it was somewhere in between. I literally felt like I was drinking like hummingbird nectar. Just like 150 grams of sugar. Yeah. I was like, this is what my body needs. This is nutrients. Yeah. I was like, this is what my body needs. This is nutrients. Yeah. I'm like,

I got banana power. I got sugar power. Yeah. Milk power. That's all brother needs. It's either day. It's it like, it's always like,

uh, when I talk with the first time I talked to somebody who like knew how to cut weight properly was at one of the gyms I was at and I just was asking him like hey man like you know I'm kind of plateauing and he's like what do you eat and I'm like well you know I cook at home and he's like what are you cooking I'm like hamburgers you know it's healthier to cook at home and the guy was like you just say something so stupid to somebody and they just kind of like i was like oh i'm eating the same thing that i would eat if i went to mcdonald's i'm just making it with a lot of oil

at the house like i'm making french fries i'm making like turkey burgers but it's covered in like a1 and mushrooms and fucking you know potato chips and shit you know guys like all right you can't you're an idiot like you just need to like eat like vegetables like literally just eat fish and you'll be fine how much are you drinking and i'm like um like like a normal amount he's like what's that mean anytime someone's like i just drink like a regular amount yeah it's not that it's not that no it's not good my doctor used to ask me that he like i told you that doctor that was just straight up with me was like, you're going to die. I remember one time I walked in there at, like, 220.

It was, like, the first time that I gained a bunch of weight. I think I was, like, 20 or 21. He's like, what are you drinking? I'm like, how much are you drinking a night? Beer will put it on you in college, right? And I was like, you know, like, you're like a normal college kid. And he was like, you want to give me a number on that and i was like oh like 15 16 beers a night and he was like okay and i was like the tall boys though so he's like so he's like okay let's call it 24 beers we're doing seven days a week and i'm

like six five and then like on the other day he's like a bottle of liquor and I'm like, six, five. And then, like, on the other day, he's like, a bottle of liquor. And he's like, uh-huh. So, like, if you just don't do that, like, all this would fall off. You know that, right? And I'm like, yeah, it's just like, I'm just partying, you know, like, college, you know, crazy. He's like, man, like, a lot of kids in college don't drink 23 beers a night. And I'm like, man, I don't know what kind of college. Boring-ass school you went to, Mr. Doctor.

I don't know if he went to gay guy college. He went to boring nerd gay guy school for gay nerds. He's like, I went to John Hopkins. I went to UT, and then I went to fucking Baylor. I'm like, okay, well, Mr. Baylor, I don't know what y'all got into there. That is the thing, though. Like, most doctors have not drank an illogical amount. Well, they, well, I thought the same thing until I saw some study that was like, doctors, lawyers, accountants, like, they fucking, they get down.

But this, my doctor was like a fucking, you know, he was like an old fit guy. He was like very sinewy and very, like very sinewy and very leathery or whatever. But it was like, I really believed that. With my whole heart, I was like, everybody in college is doing Dilaudid. Everybody in college. I told you we had that conversation. And he was like, what's your drug intake like? And I was like, it's just know, it's just like same thing.

It's just like experimenting and stuff. And he's like, well, I mean, you know, we did take your piss. It's like opiate. I was like, yeah, you know, some morphine, some Vicodin, some oxy every now and then, damerol, a lot like some cocaine in there, molly, benzodiazepines, whippets, fucking ketamine. And he's like, yeah, man, again, I don't know what school you go to, like the one from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I don't fucking know.

But I'm telling you right now, a lot of 19-, 20-year-olds are not doing, what did you say, Dilaudid? You know that's what we give to people with terminal cancer. If you break your leg, you don't even get that shit. Like, out the door. I don't know where you're getting it or whatever. And I was like, yeah, man, again, you probably just went to a gay... Yeah, you probably don't know much about medicine.

You went to seminary school for gay doctors, like boring, you know. You went to seminary school where you learned how to be gay and not do cool, badass shit with your friends. I'm telling like a jacked millionaire doctor who has owned his own practice in Houston, Victoria. I'm like, yeah, you're probably like a big gay guy who sucks dick. You're probably a pussy, dude. You're probably a pussy. You don't know what real life is like yeah you couldn't KO me in one punch I'm not high right now like you could like I'm so strong from painkillers dude like you have no idea how tough I am I remember going home like so I would go to Houston because this was like my doctor from like I went from like pediatrician to this guy from like 14 on like into my 20s or whatever.

And I'd seem like once a year and I'd go home in this time that we had this conversation. I went back home to Catalina, the house I told you about the fucking rat infested shithole. And every time, every year that went past, I would go back to my roommates and I was like, hey, man. So like my doctor says it's not normal for us to snort Dilaudid like every day. And they'd be like, oh, that guy's like a gay idiot. Isn't he? He's like, they're like, he's not. Why?

I mean, we're just partying. Like that was the thing we all said. It's just partying. It's just normal partying. And I'd be like, mean yeah sometimes but like do we have to like do we have to do like coke and opiates together like apparently that's dangerous chris farley and they're like yeah it feels awesome though and i'm like yeah you're right it does it does like that's it is that's a genuine thing it feels good as fuck yeah i like the idea.

People forget about that. Yeah, they do. Doctors don't realize that it feels good as fuck to almost die all the time. Yeah. It's so awesome for a doctor to be like, okay, cocaine and hydromorphone, all right, that's like a speedball light, but it's still super dangerous. And you're like, I see what you're saying, man. And I respect your opinion, like, as a medical professional. But it's awesome.

Key word here is light. You know, you drink a light beer, you can still drive home. Yeah, if you drink 55. If you drink a heavy beer, maybe you can't. Who knows, though? If it's too heavy, then it hurts your foot. Because of the weight. and you drop too fast. Man, that shit's awesome.

Dude, we should just get back into hard drugs. We should. I totally—I always joke around, like, hey, man, if something happens in my life that's like a—let's call it like a – tragedy for me exists in tears. Like T-I-E-R. So like – But they exist in tears as well. Right.

They do, yes. T-E-E-R. T-E-E-R. Like a dead pet? No, I don't think I'd start running and gunning again. But like if – Who gives a fuck, right? Yeah, yeah.

I would be really upset. Fuck my cats, dude. Pussy ass cat motherfucker. No, like I would be devastated, but I don't think... But like dead family member, you know, it's like fuck, man. I don't know if I can... My life's been going like fuck man i don't know if i can my life's been going pretty good you know like if i stub my toe i got some bad news man your whole family's gonna die at some i blew them up there yeah i exploded your whole fucking family you dork that's my next plan you know that yes we need a grieving arc yeah dude the show would be so bad i just be like

because i'm already like a complaining like little bitch of a guy so i'm like i stubbed my toe and i got a headache and you're like shut the fuck up if somebody in my family died we'd probably this show it would just be you complaining and me i'd have my mic next to the keyboard and i would just be typing the whole time it would be very funny if you did the same thing that you do when i'm like yeah man i've just been cutting here like hey man no one gives a fuck like they just it's like my dad dies and you're like i'm like man it's just you know i keep thinking about my dad and you're like hey man i nobody gives a fuck about your life nobody cares about i keep thinking about eating a big burrito so like i'm getting so sick and go to bed about it you know uh yeah i i don't know but no yeah the i don't think dude i'm gonna i'm gonna be honest man i don't know if my body could handle it again like if something did happen to me and i did go down

i don't think i could first of all everybody in my life would be like all right man we you know you're fucked again we're not doing this again second of of all, I try to like, I'll have a rain and then like a cup of coffee at night, and I'll lay in bed and I'm like, you know, like fucking completely losing it. Oh, yeah, it is an objectively unhealthy amount of caffeine. And you should really stop those. They're bad for you.

Yeah. I'm going to start getting preachy about that too. How much? What? Go ahead. It's all right. I haven't had an energy drink since Friday, I think. I've been drinking coffee.

I'm trying to cut back on the rains. I really am. Because I was going to ask you, is there a legal limit? I think 300 is like, that's got to be. I think it's higher than that because i know some pre-workouts like the like the some pre-workouts dude are dated i think that's like 500 million like well there is i know there's a legal limit i do because starbucks doesn't let you have things past a certain vinti I think it's their nitro cold brew or something like you can't get the Venti. But I wonder if there's like, I don't know.

It's not interesting or funny in any way. But now I'm thinking like I can go and buy six rains at one time and drink all of them and probably fucking die. But like, how much can you put in one drink? Like, that's our next merch idea. I wonder if there's a per ounce potency thing somebody posted on twitter he worked at dunkin donuts and it was the cold brew concentrate syrup and in the bottle that was like this big it was like 10 000 all you'd use like a dash of it i don't know if it's a thousand or ten thousand milligrams of caffeine i think it was like i don't remember but anyway he was like this is what we

pour in like the hot water and then like put it in the fridge and this is our cold brew and i and he was like if you drink this whole bottle you'll die i think it was like closer to 10,000 whatever anyway i remember thinking like that is irresponsible as fuck to just have that like out because i'm an idiot and if i was like this kid's age i'd be like i'll just take one of these home i just i'll just see like i'll make a concoction you know like just see what i can get away with try to recreate for loco from like back in the day do a little experimento yeah oh yeah yeah i thought the the quitting energy drinks energy drinks thing would be worse but honestly like uh it hasn't been that bad um i mean i still have coffee in the morning but i had never really gotten into coffee that much before i don't like

hot coffee yeah i'm not a big coffee guy i found if i have it black yeah then i just like drink it as a utility thing it's not right you know it needs to be drank so i don't get a headache later right yeah yeah um i mean i like the way it tastes i don't like uh i really don't like super sweet coffee i like it somewhere in the middle it can't be overwhelming uh but like it my problem is if it's cold i'll drink it like water like i'll get a fucking i'll just drink that shit all day and then i'll you know be freaking the fuck out later or whatever when i don't i told you when i don't take my vape to the gym obviously i'm not vape it'd be very funny if like in between rounds of like rolling jujitsu i'd be like hey one second just go rip my fucking

sorry guys but i will have a headache like on way home because it'll have been like two or three hours. I'll go do Muay Thai for two hours and I'll go lift. And I'll have a headache on the way home and I'm like, what the fuck's going on, man? I'm like, am I all right? Man, it was a hard workout. My head hurts. I feel sick.

It's like, oh, you suck on nicotine air all fucking day and then you haven't had any for three hours. Yeah, I will say getting an actual mod has not been good for me yeah because i know it's not gonna run out and i can see how much it's got left and i've got more juice and i can just put more in there and then i can charge it and then i can do it more and i can do it all that i want yeah and then i can go to the store and get more coils i can get more juice i can get another charger of my brakes and i can get more naked i can get more i can hit it all the time yeah i can feel really good my ears will get really hot my vision will cross i'll go like i hear like my ear which which you know what that means it means it's working right that means your

vape is of high quality your vape should make you go yippee yay yay yay it should turn you into a little little gnome i uh it would be funny for me to finally develop a cocaine addiction but only to do this podcast for me to finally develop a cocaine addiction but only to do this podcast you know because like i most i vape constantly yeah yes i don't hit i don't hit it at that rate throughout the rest of the day but it is at least every i'd say two minutes yeah yeah yeah yeah which is probably super good for you probably not like an average amount of nicotine no it's not i hit it like all i have to put it away from me sometimes because if I'm working, I work from home, I just fucking rip. I literally will make myself sick. I'll be operating a wood chipper and vaping while I do it.

I'll be feeding brushing and I'll be hitting it. I'll literally be climbing a tree and I'll find a way to keep my vape in my pocket so I can hit it while I'm climbing because otherwise I'll get a headache before I come down that's awesome dude one of my friends I had to tie a jewel onto his climbing line so he could pull it up to himself and hit it it's pretty funny dude I really do like it it's fucked up because it's not that shit it's so it's so bad, dude. Like, I remember I told you when I went back to cigarettes because I was broke. I was like, fuck it, man. You know?

And I think when I quit smoking and switched to Juul, I was smoking like half a pack a day. So not as much as I, like, at my peak, like a pack, pack and a half or whatever. Right. I was having to smoke like a pack a day to keep up with, like, what my body needed. Like, I was going through like a pack of Turkish oils a day. So so i was like this is you know whatever it's ridiculous uh anyway nicotine's bad for you you shouldn't do it um but there's a lot of worse things out there you know for sure but i guess if you've done all of those two it doesn't like yeah does it really matter i guess you know uh like if you've like fried your dopamine receptors out of your head and they've kind of come back i think we've talked about this on an episode

like the guys who are like yeah man you know i used to do heroin but now i hike up a big mountain it's the same thing no it's not it's it's not man like i know i don't know if you have to tell yourself that like like hey man when you go on a run and you get that runner's high it's the same thing as oxy runners high feels great and honestly a lifters like lifting you get that endorphin oh yeah that shit feels nice that but let's be honest it is not it is not viking it nice like let's just keep it 100 like it's cool you know but it isn't you know it's not nodding off watching all the lord of the rings movies all day like calling it to work like it's not you know let's let's keep it a hundred i used to drink fucking a pint of jim beam a day

and all i do now is ride my bike and it's the same no it's not if life has really handed you a lot of lemons and you don't care about making lemonade, there's nothing better than completely giving up and just fucking getting into a really good movie or show series and just being fucked up all goddamn day. It is awesome. Now, will it kill you eventually? Sure. Maybe not tomorrow.

Maybe not the next day. But, you know, it is awesome for a little bit. I will be honest with you there. It is really cool. It's awesome to do it. Yeah, and you should. Yeah, if you're listening to this in your life, if you're listening to this in your life,

no, I don't want to put that out into the ether. But it is funny. I don't know. This is going to sound really bad. But like I think for especially for the A.A. in a like the anonymous crowd there there has to be the redemption arc. It's fundamental to the whole narrative that helps people stay sober. But there is like I've known people. It's like, hey, man, life isn't going to get any better.

It it's like, you know, it's not you know, I had a roommate for a little while. He like crashed on our couch for like, you know, a couple months. And he was like, man, I got to quit with the Benzos. You know, I'm going to try to get my shit together. And his life, he was a real piece of shit. And I remember thinking like, you know, I'm telling him like, yeah, man, as soon as you quit Benzos, you're going to try to get my shit together. And his life, he was a real piece of shit. And I remember thinking, like, you know, I'm telling him, like, yeah, man, as soon as you quit Benzo's, you're going to be an astronaut. Like, it's going to get really good for you. But in my head, I'm like, even if you do, you know, it's not.

You're still, like, kind of an annoying, shitty guy. So, like, even if you're just sober and annoying, which I feel like is worse, kind you have no excuse anymore you know i'm saying i don't know it's uh when somebody's sober and annoying it's like well at least at least you're not making it worse for yourself you know yeah true i guess yeah that makes although it's like i mean sometimes it's like man i really wish you were the type of person who could find a drug and be cool from it. Yeah. Some people are better when they're drunk. Like when they're sober, they're dickheads.

Like dry drunks, I guess, is the term. Yeah, like as soon as I couldn't smoke weed anymore, like I just was not as fun to be around. And I don't mean that like, wow, I was so cool. But like I'm just like harder to tolerate. And that's okay like you know you don't really shit doesn't really matter in that regard i would like to think that i was like in my mind when i was doing a bunch of coke i was like man this makes me so much easier to be around like i can talk to people like i'm not you know self-conscious or insecure or whatever like and i guess in my head i'm like because when you know you're on blow you're like dude I'm

fucking slick with it I'm witty I'm fucking you know I'm the life of the party but then like you talk to like a handful people are like yeah man you're just like really sweaty and you stink and you're loud as fuck and uh you're just annoying. So, no. Like, whatever's in your mind, aversion of you on cocaine, like, no. No. I would rather you just be on bars because then you don't talk. You just kind of, like, sit and play Rocket League for about half an hour and then you just fall asleep or whatever. We should get addicted to baking cupcakes.

That would be a good idea. Did you ever... There was a guy that would come hang out every now and then. I never... I understand some people get really klepto-y when they black out. They just pocket shit. But I don't like to be... I'll handle...

If you punch a hole in the wall or smash something over your head and there was a time in my life when i was down for that that was funny to me but there was a guy who was a friend of a friend that would come stay like i didn't want to invite the guy but he's like hey he wanted to roll to austin and i'm like i mean he's at my apartment or whatever so he literally before we would like start partying he's like hey man uh i just want you know uh like i'm just like keeping it real man like sometimes like i eat a couple sticks and i just start stealing shit out of people's houses and i was like uh that's like you said that way too cool like i'm just supposed to be like oh yeah no makes sense he's like yeah man like you know when i wake up like when we wake up tomorrow just

like ask me to empty my pockets man i won't even be mad or nothing because i probably will steal like stuff and i was just like all right bro like and i was like the guy that brought him i was like hey man like uh this guy just straight up told me admitted before the crime he was like hey i'm gonna steal out of your house bro and you like tomorrow you gotta remind me that I did it which is like very retarded but I guess we've all been there you know sure enough the next morning we all wake up hungover and we're like gonna go get some food and I was like hey Lowe's um you told me to do this so like hey like you have anything in your pocket in your backpack and he was like oh yeah and he had my roommate like old classic big ipod he had the tv remote in his backpack to my to the team to our tv uh he had a rolled up 20 bill it was mine that we used to do blow and then he had uh one of the

other guys car keys in his backpack he was like just like fucking dora the explorer like the shit that she collected like on the adventure he's like yeah i got some car keys i gotta roll up 20 i got an old ipod i got a tf remote i'm like god like respect like thanks for not keeping it i guess but also like don't come to my apartment anymore dude like you just like i can handle rowdy ass motherfuckers like get into a fist fight like we can talk about it later it later. It's not a big deal to me. But I also respect being like, hey, man, I'm a thief. Like, I don't know if you know this about me. Hey, man, I get a little, like, relaxed. I'm just, like, the lowest of the low, man.

I'm a real piece of shit. Like, I will lick your earlobes. I get fucked up, dude, and I will go for that nutsack. I'm just letting you know man Man I just gotta warn you bro Before we smoke this cigarette Like I get nicotine buzz

I start killing people I start I just start stabbing motherfuckers Like a lot Like a lot of times too I guess you really gotta know yourself How many conversations With your close friends

Do you have to have But When you get to the point Where you're like, I'm not going to stop doing Benzos. But what I will do is I will give people a preemptive speech to be like, hey, man, sometimes like I get I get a little barred out, man. And I just start. Yeah, I start like driving people like I start crashing my car and the motherfucker. That same dude, I went to Houston and partied with them. Like, and that guy who brought him over to my place, they were hanging out. And they were coming to the party.

And I text him or whatever, you know. And fucking, like, an hour and a half, two hours ago. They were supposed to be down the road. And I was like, hey, what happened? And he calls me. He's like, hey, man, how fucked up are you? And I'm like, I'm pretty tossed, man. And he was like, yeah, so Los, I was pretty chopped. And Los told me he's like hey man how fucked up are you and i'm like i'm pretty tossed man and he was like yeah so los uh i was pretty chopped and los told me he was cool so he drove

and so this guy had never driven a stick before lied that he had driven a stick and just dropped this guy like destroyed the guy's clutch and everything like he had like a nice little honda he'd put some money in he was just like, like just fucked his transmission and everything up. Like going like just completely fucked his whole car up. He was like, yeah. So he told me he drove stick and now my car don't work. And I was like, oh, swag. So you let that happen?

And he was like, I mean, I don't know. I was like, all right, man. I don't know. This guy is the worst judgment of anyone. Yeah. He heard your stories. Well, he's not a good guy i like he's kind of a you know i don't i don't know if the guy's even still alive or whatever but

the the friend of the friend but yeah i remember thinking like i mean the guy tells you that he like robs people like i don't know if i'd let him drive my like shit box i put like that's such a funny claim like i don't know why it's still like it's seen as like unmanly to not know how to drive stick driving stick sucks dude it does it really does it's like i don't really know how to even fucking do it but i mean i can i can sort of do it but not not fluently i'll put it like that you know there certain, there's like a whole category of like, you're a pussy bitch. Weird, like trivial. Like I saw two fat guys get into a shoving match, almost a fist fight at a place I used to work at.

Because one guy was like, you order boneless wings, you got a pussy in them jeans or what? The guy was like, ah, like kind of like laughed it off. And he was like, man, boneless, like just kept going on. I'm like behind the bar. And that guy, you know laughed it off and he was like man boneless like just kept going on i'm like behind the bar and that guy you know like and i've heard that before like if you eat boneless wings you're like a lady and i'm like dude it's just chicken like who gives a fuck sometimes you don't want to go after all the fucking shit you just want to eat some goddamn nuggets with sauce on it that one i've heard people almost come to blows over that one the clutch thing yeah um transmission Transmission, fucking manual.

What else? Wearing women's underwear. Apparently that is not cool. You don't know how to change your tire, which, to be fair, is a very easy thing to do. Yeah, that is an easy thing to do. I don't think it has anything to do with masculinity or whatever, but it is very easy.

It's like, as a man, you should know how to change your tire change your own oil and then it'll get into like you should know how to rebuild your transmission you have and do a full uh ls swap yeah yeah yeah on a honda s2000 it's like well i don't think i need to know all that to be on the first part yeah i was with you on like the first one and a half i guess like you don't even really know how need to know how to change your own oil like if you have like 30 dollars yeah you can just have somebody to do it and it's like not that big of a deal yeah i don't think yeah no it is there's this whole like i'm not very handy with shit in fact there are so many holes in the in the walls of my apartment because i don't care to find a stud get a stud finder and

i just hammer away at shit you can you know you can borrow i have one man oh okay well that would have been when i moved in i guess i should have because like i i have it hidden with shelving and shit but i finally bought one i i I've lived here for like a year. And I'd use the excuse to not hang anything up on the walls the whole time I've been here. And he was like, are stud finders expensive? And I was like, nope. Like 20 bucks. She was like, well, where can we get one?

And I was like, pretty much anywhere. That's not even hard to find. Walmart. I ended up getting one for 10 bucks yeah works fine but yeah i was i was just kind of like enjoying the fact that like i had done nothing to the place yeah yeah i did absolutely nothing to it i made the yard look good that was it actually moved in and really made it like a really nice apartment and whenever people visit whenever people visit you know like uh like my mom knows me and when she comes over she's like

so how much of this is you you know and i'm like the the big painting above the fireplace that's me everything else literally is you know actually will ask me if i like something and i'm like yeah but if she did not like put like i just i the the twitter pictures is like men really live like this and it's a lawn chair and a flat screen tv to me that's sick that is a very that's all you need that's a solid setup like i do not maybe an ice chest for a foot rest that's as crazy as i'll go but i wish i knew how to build shit. I'm not insecure about it, but it would just be cool. But I'm very lazy.

The thing is, with being handy or whatever, tools get expensive fast. There's some projects where I'm like, oh, I could figure this out with a little bit of trial and error. But I'm like, I would need a $300 saw that I would use twice a year. Yeah. And I can't do that right now. I remember when I learned how to fix the ripcord in a generator.

I was like, dude, I can build a house. It takes like 20 minutes. You go buy a cord from the shop or an Auto like an auto zone or something you come back you know you unspool it you wrap it up and i remember when i figured out how to do that i was like yeah dude next thing i'm gonna build what you do is you take it out and you use a ratchet strap to start it forever yeah you never just you just wind it and then you just figure out how many wraps you need. Yeah. Clockwise. And then you got to, if it doesn't start, you got to rewind it.

I remember when, I think I told you when that fucking, one of the welders put diesel in like an unleaded, like a welding machine. And we had to take like everything out, dude. Like we had to take this like this like everything out dude like we had to fucking you know and the guy like i was like an apprentice to like the main mechanic at this job site he was like you ever done anything like in jet like spark plug you ever like completely flush a whole and i'm like uh no um i know how to change a tire on a car and he's like uh okay you're gonna be like he learned very early on that i just they threw me they were like you're this guy's helper go help him well how much car experience

do you have uh uh i could change oil i guess i was like all right so i just you know i was not much not much help but sometimes in life you just fuck up a bunch of shit and it ends up it ends up being all right you know it ends up being okay it's not a big deal it's okay it's it's okay to be a fucking idiot it's okay and i know everything because you know it's gonna be okay. You know it's alright, Jake. You know it's gonna be a great good day. You sound like Down Syndrome fucking Adam Levine. Fucking Maroon 5 is like, Sunday morning, Wayne is falling.

Stay so comfortable. She will be well. She will be one. She will be one. I was so high, did not recognize the fire burning. He just does the Super Bowl next year, and's He's just full blown Like eyes and everything He's like Hey Cincinnati Like wait

When did this shit happen? I got to move I got to move I forgot about that one I don't even care All right anyway i like there's like three times every episode where we have to pause because somebody might be breaking into your apartment yeah yeah well there was a moment there where you were like is somebody breaking into my apartment hey man what's up

are you good oh no don't be breaking in. I'm just, yeah, I have a mental disorder or whatever. I remember back in the early days of you moving into that joint, you're like, yeah, I got like an exposed piece of floor here that people would just crawl in here and kill me, you know? I was like, when are you going to get that fixed? And you're like, it's not really like high on the priority. It's not high on the priority.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that ever. Yeah. That is sick though there's just like a hole in your house like a pretty sizable one well uh i sealed off oh okay okay sides okay um there's no cats living under there anymore uh that's good you just the two that you own. Right. They live above the... Yeah, in their house. Above the foundation. Right, yeah. Hell yeah.

That was a nice one. And she will... And she will... Will be well. And she will be well. And she will be wild. Sunday morning, waiting for wind. When you go to the store, can you get me a Nerds rope?

They taste really good. Ha, ha, ha. sometimes my mom she gives me goldfish but they make my tummy hurt when we bed. And I go to bed. I circle on my bed. It's a sleepy little man. Mom's like, all right, fucking God. All right. All right, we're doing the Maroon 5 thing tonight. Dad's like, okay.

How many songs has he done? she's like like the whole fucking first album so you're taking the second album he's up there right now sunday morning waste i gotta taste some chocolate milk all right all right fucking god damn it oh fuck you know sometimes so good so. Would you buy some candy I could eat? Are you looking up Maroon 5 songs? I was looking up Maroon 5. No.

I looked up Maroon 5 lyrics. Yeah, yeah. It's so good. It's tasty. It's Starbucks. That's kiddos for me I forgot about that one Some nice ice day

That's fun We've already done that one Some nice ice day Trying to steal my dance He's like a bad kid But he also has I am in the bathtub I have a

dog it's red are you looking at more no I may have paid for trying to call all the change I spare on food

I chewed on There's so many songs That just like Don't exist outside of like PacSun or something Yeah Now you got me doing it Because I feel like I'm forgetting a bunch

Did you know that they formed that band in 1994? Yeah they've been around a hot minute dude Jesus Christ Dude songs about Jane is a banger Let's go It's getting harder And harder to eat This candy

Has taken It's toll On me I need More soda Let's see Sunday morning I already did that one

It doesn't matter Maroon 5 IQ guys Oh yeah These guys Down You know You understand These You know Sunday morning. I already did that one. It doesn't matter. Maroon 5 IQ, guys. Oh, yeah. These guys. You know, you understand. It's just classic stuff. It's stuff that you come to expect from the show at this point. Let's hear it, man.

I know you're gay. You got one in the chamber. I can see it. No, I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about, man? Take me to your best friend's house. Found a bug, I ate a mouse. Oh.

Take me to your best friend's house. Found a bug, I ate a mouse. My mom is mad and my dad went out. Oh, yeah. Don't take my torture. Don't take my tractor. My tractor? Why the fuck did you Oh god damn it How about instead of group love

It's group of guys love Take me to your best friend's house If he's a guy I'll bang him man Oh yeah Don't Don't be A Straight

Guy I am A Gay Guy Zig It's good Man we're really good at this Take me to your gay friend's house It's good.

Man, we're really good at this. Take me to your gay friend's house. Be as long as hanging out. Oh, yeah. Take me to a gay guy's house. Fuck his ass and I'll eat him out. Oh, yeah. Don't bring no conjures.

I am on hell. Yeah. Woo! Yeah! Yeah!

Fuck man yeah Hell yeah Take me to a great big mouse Light a cheese He eats it now Oh yeah Fuck Whatever man It don't

This shit don't fucking Take me to gingerbread house Lots of candy We eat it now Oh yeah Take me to I will shoot and kill my spouse. I hated her a lot and she's dead right now.

Why are we still trying to rhyme it with house? We can make it anything. It doesn't have to be. We've gone so far off the reservation. It doesn't fucking... Take me to your best friend's house. Rise again. We are the sound. Oh, yeah.

I hate all... So that's the only direction we can see this song going. Yeah. It's like a behind the scenes. It's like, well, you know, we did a gay and a mouse and spouse murder. So the next one was KKK guy. I got two friends, Jeffrey Klaus.

They are great and they are grouse. Oh, yeah. Then we kind of went schizophrenic with it. You know, it kind of just sort of derailed from anything. Take me to the hunting house. Get some pheasant. Get some grouse. Oh oh i am in a haunted house it's very spooky i'm scared right now i'm a little scared guy it's like you know what's awesome man is is that obviously i want people to listen to the show but i really

one of my favorite things about doing this is it is really for me and you like it's like 98 percent of it i hope other people like it okay i'm i really do and i think some people do but i've slowly i realized over the last year year and a half or so that it'll it really is this just it's so much of it is for me it's like uh fuck i can't even yeah it doesn't even matter what it is son sunday morning jail is calling look man That was really inappropriate of you Yeah It's not funny to me

I'm trying to find one here What was another party house party favorite Of that era I'm on the pursuit of Being Wait no I'm trying to remember this one Wait, no. I'm trying to remember this one.

All right, let me see what you got, man. I'll let you run it. All right, give me a second here. Give me like 35 minutes here. We only got eight minutes left in the episode. Just give me like half. Give me like three or four hours. You didn't have to go play golf.

Okay. You didn't have to play a long game of golf. But you didn't have to suck me up. See, that's the obvious one. I couldn't go with that. No, we got to get it out of the way. That's just like first base hit. You didn't have to wheeze or cough. You should have gotten your COVID-19 vaccine.

And you should have voted for Hillary Clinton. Now you're just somebody that I used to vote somebody. Somebody that I used to vote. Somebody. Somebody that I used to vote. Somebody. Somebody. Hell yeah. That's good.

Weezer cough. You didn't have to weezer cough man i'm reading the real lyrics to this and it's like more embarrassing than the ones we're coming i hated that song more than anything in the whole fucking world and it was really you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness like resignation to the end. Always the end. So when we found out that we could not make sense. Well you said that we would still be friends. But I'll admit that I was glad it was over. That's the second verse. That's such an ass.

I didn't know that coffee's hot. So I burn it all over my trousers. And that was like, ooh, gee, ah. And now I'm just wearing some really hot, hot pants. Hot, hot pants. I like that he's pitching. So he's pitching all versions of this to, like, Sony. He's like, so when I get my food, it's hot.

I blow on it like, then I put it in my mouth. And they're like, all right, cut the beat, everything else. Yeah, yeah, I got a couple. I don't like to clean my house, but I don't want rats or bugs, so I sweep on the floor. No, all right, man, we're going to go. What else you got? You didn't have to take me to your best friend's house.

That's already a song. We can't do that. It's against copyright. Some nights you didn't have to cut me off at your best friend's house. Some nights you didn't have to cut me At your best friend's house Pursue the happiness I love you now Kid Cudi

Kid Cudi They're like That is an artist Yes okay Alright Very very good Nice By the way

We've invested like half a million Into you man So I don't know I don't know where the fuck Oh my god But you Tonight We are at your best friend's house

And you didn't have to cut me off The lonely stoner seems to get cut me off late at night. And like it happens, it's Sunday morning. Rain is falling. It's too late to apologize. I apologize. How to get cut off. How to save a life.

I don't know. Oh, man. How to save a life. stuff oh oh oh man how to save a lot thomas just pulled his phone out he's about we're fucked step one you say you like to eat candy it's really good what's your favorite i just remember this group exists and it like made my day worse. What group? The Fray? 21 Pilots.

Dude, I remember when they got famous. I didn't even know who they were. It seemed like they were just the biggest thing in the world. Like one day I woke up. I didn't like. Well, man, that's okay. Do they sing that radioactive song? No, that's Imagine Dragons.

They. What's it? What is this? i don't even know any 21 pilot songs um oh there was that one stressed out ah yeah yeah i think there's another one something about a face like blurry blurry fade that one yeah yeah my name's stupid guy and I go to school. What else is fucking? What other kind of music is there? What other kind of fucking music is there, dude?

Wish I could go and eat a big spaghetti. When I go to the Italian restaurant, they serve me food. Yeah, again, there's like A&R guys like, man, I love the beat. I love the energy. Do you have any other topics other than like food and candy or like sucking off other guys or fucking them? Wish I could eat big lettuce in a salad with some salad dressing Croutons and cheese Yes, sir, thanks Okay, yeah, no, again The problem is

Is that it's about food I really like the beat I feel like we do Oh, not about food No, not about food Again, hey Beat's great Energy's great

I love the melody Can you give me something That's not about going To a restaurant Okay Or eating candy Those are just Let me hear about your life, man

Like, what's your story Okay, yeah, I got you. I got something perfect. All right. Play it back. Let's go. All right. I'm at home making some nice Kool-Aid.

Yum, yum. And it's slurpy, slurp, slurp. So good. Yes, Red. It tastes good. Okay, all right. We went away from food. Now we're at beverage.

I need... it's a completely different subject matter i understand i really understand but i need like the kids aren't going to resonate with that this is you know we're looking our demographic here is like 16 to like 25 like discontented youth you know like they have problems you mean like drug stuff no i mean uh well you mean like mental health stuff? Yeah, let's go mental health. That's big. Kids love mental health.

Okay, I got something perfect for that. All right, let's hear it. Run it back. Where I get so sad, I absorb powder from the lemonade juice. It's used to make a big drink. Okay, let's not go eating Country Time lemonade out of the jar. We're getting closer, though. I will say you're getting 1.5% closer to what we're looking for here.

You know, the studio's paid for, so let's go no lemonade, no spaghetti, no croutons, no gay guy stuff. Okay, no beverages, mental health, teen struggle teen struggle you know you were a teenager right how old are you 58 okay remember what were you going through when you were a young man and you felt you know disenfranchised broken away from society that's what we're looking for with this song okay i got something All right, let's hear it. I wish I could kidnap a teenage girl and feed her some big spaghetti lemonade nice. Okay, I think we're going to... You know what?

We're just going to... Okay, you know what? I guess this is my fault I'm a nurturer That's what I do I understand You're a storyteller I just

I feel like I'm No I do that I do that part Oh so you do Kidnap women No I give them Lemonade and spaghetti And I can get them

Big and strong What do you do With them after I fucking Throw them off The bridge Big ol' splash I'd fucking throw him off the bridge. Big ol' splash.

The fucking serial killer, like, in the golden age of serial serial killers like Richard Ramirez, BTK. The fucking FBI is pulling their hair out and they're like, I don't fucking understand. He's got a type, okay, blonde. It's like 15 to 18, all right? He fucking kidnaps them, okay? He doesn't hurt these girls, okay? But we find them at the bottom of the Schuylkill River, all right? Bellies filled to bursting with country time lemonade and fucking SpaghettiOs.

He don't torch them or nothing. He don't, like, assault them. He don't beat them. He takes them from school and he fucking feeds them a bunch of shitty lemonade and canned spaghetti and then throws them off the fucking bridge. Right over the GWB in the fucking harbor. I have no fucking answers. I don't understand. He's not sending us letters. We have no fucking answers. I don't understand. He's not sending us letters.

We got no fucking fingerprints. He's killed 98 women this way. You're like, they turn the camera on you, they catch you, and they're like, all right, we got you.

You're fucked now, okay? We saw you leaving the're fucked now, okay? We saw you leaving the scene of the crime. You threw a 16-year-old girl, belly bloated, full of spaghetti, eliminated. Off the fucking GWB. Right into the fucking Hudson. We've been hunting your sick fuck for a long time. So we don't even need a fucking confession.

I'll turn the camera off for you why the fuck did you do it wait what why'd you feed all those girls all that lemonade and fucking spaghetti

and then throw them off the fucking bridge well you know girls get hungry like fast listen I ain't got time for fucking jokes.

I was supposed to fucking retire. That's all I got at my house, man. What, you want me to feed him cat food? Listen, that would make more fucking sense. You're a sick fuck. You kill, like, that's what serial killers do. You're telling me I did something illegal. I mean.

Other than make beautiful music You're a musician That changes everything Am I free to go? Yes Am I free to go? I mean I fucking guess so. I mean, you musicians.

You should be allowed to say that at any point in an investigation. Am I free to go? No, you've been in prison for five years, man. Dude, you are on death row. Can I go home? Can I leave? Dude, I've been here a long time, man. It's like two weeks.

Can I go home? I think I've been here for life. No, you force-fed like 30 women and threw them over the bridge. I think I did life. I should go now. Actually, they lethally injected me last week. I think you can haul me off. The judge only gave me like 45 minutes.

I think I was supposed to be like, I got to go. I got shit to do. You're in prison for like, I mean, you're in jail for like a minutes. That guy, I'm supposed to, I think I'm supposed to be like, I gotta go, you know, I got shit to do. You're in prison for like, I mean, you're in jail for like, a PI, like you're in county,

you're like, I know I killed like, a lot of people, but can I go? Hey, I know I force fed all those girls at SpaghettiOs at Lemonade, that threw them off the bridge,

but I got, I got shit to do. You know, I gotta work them all. So, I'll just, one week's speed, you know,

just speed this along. Wish I could turn back time to when I didn't kill people and I didn't feed them spaghetti. When the mama said, you can go hang out with Winston. Who's Winston? Was he in honor with you? Did he help you feed the women? Spaghetti and lemonades? Anyway, if you like this show, we've got some shows coming up in person. If you think that this is awesome, we've got a show coming up in a couple weeks with Podcast About List in Fort Worth at Tulips on May 16th.

Tickets for that. 15th. 15th. Yeah, 15th. Yeah, Sunday. At Tulips on Sunday in Fort Worth. Tickets for it at swagpoop.com. So go grab some tickets.

There's still some left. We'd love to see you guys hang out, whatever the fuck. We also are going to be back at Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. We got two shows, 7 o'clock and 9 o'clock on June 24th. Um, those just got booked. Um, if you went to our last Creek show, thank you. We will, uh, we're going to be back doing some more shit. Gonna, gonna, gonna plan some stuff out. We're going to get some shit going for this one. Uh, so please buy tickets to that. You can go to Creek, uh, creaking cave.com and then go to the calendar and then fucking scroll to the 24th. Tickets are $20 online, and they will be $25 at the fucking door.

Yeah, please go to that. You know, we need, like, a lot of money. I need, like. We need buku cash. I need buku, boingo bucks. Also, for I forget, June 5th, I will be in Fort Worth, as always. Working. Doing my close, very close friend of mine, Joey Johnson's podcast, mine um joey johnson's um podcast basement manifesto that's what it's called yeah hyenas in fort worth um what time is that oh look at me fucking calendar man over here

what time is it how much the tickets where can you get them you know come on man i don't know it's on a thursday i don't fucking know it's the hyenas in fort worth how about you show up and figure it out just show up at hyenas at any moment look for thomas dude uh yeah suck me off suck us off come hang out bye