Pendejo Time - Martin Luther Squeak jr.

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

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Why, I know you won't leave me, but I refuse to let you go. And that's a song by the, who gives a fuck, you know what I mean? Crewie Newton and the Holiday Spaz. Yeah, probably my favorite pop band of yesteryear, Crewie Newton and the Holiday Spaz. I didn't know spaz is a slur overseas. Did you know that? Yeah, it's like... It's like the R slur.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's... Whenever there was like a moment on the internet... Which is fine. You're allowed to have different slurs than us. But I thought I always thought of it as like uh like not like an onomatopoeia you know like bam you know right he zoomed out of there i knew it meant like weird but i i thought it meant like goofy like yeah you know and it's

like oh it's for spastic like an episode and i'm like okay see i never knew that uh you don't see him much anymore i kind of miss them but the big long like manic screeds on like twitter they they mostly came from tumblr that were like here's a list of words that you might be using in your day-to-day life that are actually way worse than the r word and it's like idiot moron dingbat nimrod it's like first of all idiot moron those aren't going away a and b though i've never i've who are you being insulted by like a 1920s like bank teller like nobody says i mean idiot moron oh this gosh darned income poop right yeah yeah yeah yeah like they like spaz i remember seeing spaz on there and i was the same as you i was like the person was being dead serious they

were like if you really care about disabled people you won't say spaz i was like i haven't said spaz since like third grade so i guess i'm in the clear but like moron is awesome idiot fucking idiot like nothing hits that's a classic. It's like Coca-Cola classic. Fucking moron. Like, that, you know. Well, also, Nimrod was the great-grandson of Noah in the Bible. Right.

That's a biblical thing. So, like, what's the fucking. Yeah, but he was a skilled hunter. Nitwit. So, Nimrod also means an adept hunter. nitwit so nimrod also means an adept hunter i wonder nimrod nimrod what are some other ones dim dimwit uh dimwit yeah did something whittle dunce dimwittle or is it i think it's like you're like wit like dim like guys. You gosh darn loafer. You fucking heber. You damn ne'er-do-well. Ne'er-do-well is a good one.

I like that. You foolish cunt. Who? Cunt doing some heavy lifting there. Cunt. Who? Cunt doing some heavy lifting there. Okay, yeah.

You. You. Stupid bitch. Yeah, you just fucking sack of shit. You fucking piece of shit. You fucking retard. Let's see. How about... So we're going archaic here?

Mongoloid is one that my dad was... Oh, you chaff. Calf? No, chaff. Oh, chaff. Okay. That one is, you know, I've never really heard many people use that one. But let's see.

Ancient insults. Ancient insults. Yo, this is our new epic podcast. Ancient insults. This is going to be bad A. This is going to be bad A. This is going to be epic AF, dude. Let's see. A scobberlotcher.

No, there's no way that's real. It's somebody who avoids hard work at all costs. That's me. I'm a real-ass scobberlotching asshole. That's a pretty good one, actually. That is pretty good. A fop doodle. Someone who doesn't really matter much.

Man, that's a harsh one. Kind of harsh. I wouldn't want to say that to anybody. You know why? Because everybody matters. I've heard this one. Ragabrash. I haven't heard that one.

Basically disorganized and unkempt to a point to where it's annoying to people around them. Yeah. I haven't heard that one. Wiffle Waffle. Wiffle Waffle? A time waster, basically. I think I've said this one on here before, but the one that I never heard anybody use other than my really old family. It's not an insult.

It's for penis. It's tallywhacker, which is just like... That is... I've never... I've even brought it up to people who are not from the South. And they're like, I've never... What the fuck is that? I'm like, it's your fucking dick.

Oh. You want to hear a good one for a tall, gangly type guy sure duke of limbs that's pretty good that's pretty good duke of limbs um oh hmm almost said one that you you know, out loud. It got close, didn't it? Yeah, we're probably on the same list there. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, it started off, and then I realized,

that's half of the N-word. And, you know, I've taken some artistic liberties You know Before but I'd rather say 0% of the n-word That's how much I want to say Anyway You know I think a good rule For can you get away With

Saying something is Is the first half of it Of this word Also the first half of it, of this word, also the first half of the N-word? Yes. And if the answer is yes, proceed with caution, I would say. There's a cool one, bed swerver. That's like a serial adulterer.

Which, like, that kind of sounds cool. Like, that sounds like a cool, like, shoegaze band name. Kind of like a Deftones-sounding band. We got Bob-a-Line. Old Tudor English word for fool. Yeah, I have the same anxiety that you have, where I feel like I'm going to say one of these, and then I'm going to read the description, and then I'm not going to have a job anymore,

which is fine, I guess. Driggle Draggle. Oh, she... She Driggle Draggle. She Driggle my Draggle till I poppycock. Till I fop doodle. Driggle Draggle is an untidy woman. Man, I used to love to hang out with Driggle Draggle.

That was kind of my thing there for a minute. She's the kind of lady who just fucking ramen bowls with food still in the sink. Oh, my gosh. Dude, you are just plain old not batting on a full wicket. Yeah. Okay, you gilly wet foot. All right. One of these is good.

Gobermouch. No, I don't want to. Sir, you, sir, are daft as a bush. Mumblecrust. There's an old English term for a man... Just let it out, man. A man who's a slut, essentially. Okay.

And the term is like a dog with two dicks. Okay, that's fine. I guess it's a guy who will fuck anything, I guess. Yeah, that sucks. Here's a good term for gay. Uphill Gardener That's pretty funny actually I kind of like that one

That one doesn't sting like the other one The big ones do And I like that it's descriptive In that way And it says a lot With saying very little Yeah I like it It's sort of like

He's a little light in the loafers. You know what I mean? Anyway, I wouldn't advise, you know, I wouldn't advise using any homophobic slurs, but if you're going to use one, I would say Uphill Gardener. It's on the tamer side. Pretty solid. You know?

Yeah, pretty solid. Something you could give a little joking rib to your homosexual friend, you know? Which we all love to do. Speaking of uphill Gardner. I love ribbing my gay friends. I love ribbing gay guys. I like to go to my gay friend's house and we rib each other. It's just we like to have a good time. I like to just... I like to... I like to go to my gay friend's house and we rib each other it's just we like to have a good time i like to just i like to i like to have sex with i like to have sex with guys

audience uh that's a joke it's called it's not it's not gross that jake does that that um uh we were uh i was in a meeting today for work and i just got his list in the show so he gives a fuck and uh and uh we were like working through some shit for just thinking of trying to come up with stuff to do for just like a campaign we're doing for work or whatever for this client and uh the client is israel client is israel i work for israel i do youtube i do uh tiktok influencing for israel um anyway uh the guy that we were on the meeting with he uh adjusts his webcam and he's got a really nice industrial shop vac behind him you know like a high dollar one and uh my boss goes that's a nice vacuum man like you know those are pretty run pretty very expensive and the guy goes oh yeah i uh i'm gonna um i'm gonna put myself in latex and i'm gonna vacuum

seal myself like on a like on a work meeting or whatever and my boss like i saw his face on the zoom and he was like oh and then the guy goes yeah it's like uh it's like for an art thing. For like art or whatever. I'm trying to work on a special effects video. And my boss was like, okay, cool. And what does that entail? And he's like, I get in the suit and I suck all the air out of it and I'm in latex. I vacuum seal myself. And I guess my boss was like taken aback by that.

And he goes, doesn't that also look like a sexual thing? And the guy goes, nope. Just very like, no, it's for special effects. And I just kind of sat there for a little bit. It's one of those things that like this is something that would happen in like a kitchen you know what i mean like not on like a everybody has a macbook involved in this conversation this is like a clearly a fake email job meeting where you go hey did you see the diamondbacks play yeah that was a real game and did you watch the boys on

amazon i did it was great and then me and my wife watched hey potter and then we and we went to sleep and we've never said the r word and i've never said any other words uh that's usually typically like corporate style stuff but just to have the guy who does like all like who we work with be like i'm vacuum sealing sealing myself just because it's for special effects like he should have lied i appreciate that he told like he was honest with me but i was kind of like frustrated with him in that moment because i was like you could have just you could have said anything at all you're trying to like you're trying to like make it not awkward and you're like i do that too too. We should hang out sometime.

Yeah, when they were done talking, I was like, when he was like, yeah, it's for special effects or whatever. I was like, yeah, that's what they all say. He didn't laugh. I was like, yeah, I've heard that one before, buddy. Ha ha. Because I didn't know what to say either. I've never been in like a, because you hear all sorts of goofy shit when you work like you know like in a restaurant

or like you know like a fucking labor job or whatever you hear all sorts of goofy shit that's the strangest shit I've ever heard in like a corporate setting and honestly it's up there

with like any job I've had a guy's like that's a nice shop vac man you doing some cleaning no I'm gonna I'm gonna get ass naked and I'm gonna put myself in rubber and I'm gonna suck all the air out it's for a movie just lie you don't have to fucking you don't yeah i uh i actually

i i um i like to kill ants and so i use it to suck up all the ants out of the ground yeah i use it to oh Oh, this shop vac? Yeah, it sucks like fucking 200 PSI. I put my penis and my nuts in it. And then I tie them around in a rubber band like a ponytail. And I just sort of walk around town. Yeah, I just use it like a bidet.

Just blow shit out of my ass. Just all over the toilet and the bathroom of my parents' house where I live. That would be, honestly, the American answer to the European bidet is it has to be loud and brash and mostly ineffective. So, yes, a high-powered jet of air that just blows your balls and ass hole. Yeah, like the Col colt 45 of bidets yes it just delivers like a very like compressed pressurized stream of air right at your asshole um it doesn't clean really like like most other things that are made in this country these days

it's not very good so uh it's not going to clean your butt cheeks very good but you will have shit on your nuts which is you know one of the coolest like about the coolest things i can have anyway yeah that guy's cool that's a cool piece of shit on your wall that's a cool piece of shit on your nuts, man. Where'd you get that? Running into an old buddy that invites you over for dinner. That's a cool piece of shit on your wall, dude. Where'd you get that? Yeah, it's for art.

I'm not having a complete mental breakdown or anything. You guys are good. It's just art. My new movie is called Poop on the Wall. I've been writing. You know how I told you in high school I wanted to write screenplays? Yeah, I've been trying to get into method acting. So this guy that I'm writing, this guy in the movie that I'm writing, he puts poop on his wall.

So I just. Yeah, it's a parody movie. It's called Perks of Being a Wall Pooper. But we still have to watch the original movie because I don't know what that's about. Basically, it's if the guy from Percy Jackson in that movie was also...

He liked to smear shit on his walls and kiss. Yeah, that's the type of stuff that... That's a really cool piece of shit you got there. I'm still laughing about it. That's still getting me, dude. God damn it. Man, that's really...

Where'd you get that piece of shit? Did you go to to i love your floors is that dog shit yeah dude what did you do with your bathroom did you shit everywhere it is dude i love your bedroom it looks like you pissed and shit everywhere like trying to like console a friend whose life is falling apart in the most drastic theatrical way dude your house stinks really bad so your house stinks so bad it's like i can't believe it it's incredible man i'm so happy to we should make a movie okay i got the the creative drive is burning a hole in my soul jake we've got to get active yeah i uh hear me out all right okay you know how dogs can't talk right but robots can move anything with the push of a button uh-huh what if we made a movie with

no cgi okay only real dogs and robots and electric signals okay and we controlled the bodies and faces of these dogs for days on end okay and we made a beautiful drama about what it's like to grow up as a puppy dog in america in different areas and different uh types of neighborhoods different cultures and it was different types of dogs being interviewed, and we'd use the electricity to make them speak English and have sort of more human expressions the whole time. And we'd use the, we'd give them social security numbers and everything at birth. Okay. And we'd track them, and we'd get them into schools. Okay. And we'd track them and we'd get them into schools.

Okay. We'd track them from human kindergarten all the way until they graduated human college. Okay. Until they got to be, you know, 70, 80, 90 years old. Uh-huh. And died. And it would track the life the 100 years every single dog see how far they go see what they end up doing for their human jobs because we got

electricity to make them use human speeches and to wear clothes and see where depending on where each dog was from, with the family and what the income was like, what type of kibble it was eating, and where, what it went to college. Right. What type of electricity was used into the dog. Okay. Where the robot lived that was before it.

Right. And all that. We could use it to combine all these dogs and see what the story is like. And we could make this movie. I'm not sure how much it would cost to film. Mm-hmm. But I was thinking in the end it could be probably a 15-minute movie. Okay.

And we would only take, I guess uh say 100 years for shooting and filming and then maybe 10 10 or 15 years for post-production and then um yeah 15 minute movie about dogs and i thought maybe we could call it um just dogs and I thought maybe we could call it just dogs okay is it like an art house type deal? no it's like a like a Harmony

Harmony Korean type isn't he like an artsy guy? no I've only seen one of his movies so that's not really my thing I'm just having an opinion on a director having seen one of his movies I've seen Spring Breakers so that's not really my thing. I'm just having an opinion on a director. I've seen Spring Breakers and I thought it was cool.

So it'll be like Spring Breakers with dogs, except it's their whole life. Okay. And Gucci Mane can't be in it because he would have to live to be like 170 to promote it. And also I can't be in it. I can't be one of the dogs neither can you because it would break our contract i already wrote it up okay so basically this is you need to sign the contract and then we'll make the movie but it's going to be directed by um stephen sealbird and martin scorchini okay and um and then it's going to be all the music is going to be done by hand zimmer thank you for walking me through that man

that was awesome i really appreciate that. And the movie is going to be called The Life of a Dog 100 times with every type of dog. And it's going to be a six-hour movie. I thought you said it was going to be 15 minutes. Yes, six hours and 15 minutes. Okay, and it's going to take 100 years to make. 115 when you count post-production. Okay.

And it's all going to be shot on instant cameras. You're talking about like the frame-by-frame stop motion. Polaroids. With the Instax cameras you get at Target. Yeah, the ones you get at Walmart that you go on camping trips and you take cute little pictures. The only trick is you gotta

take 24 pictures per second. So what's the budget on the Instax? Like $568 million? $568. Damn, you're getting the first deal in the market. Yeah. Yeah, because my friend had them lying around,

so that's why we're using them is because they'll be cheaper that way. So The Life of a Dog 100 Times by Steven Silbert and Martin Scorchini, directed, scored by Hans Zimmer. What inspired you to make this movie? You know, I was watching a Johnny Depp movie the other day, and it got me thinking, would the movie Pirates of the Caribbean ever have been made if it was just one pirate?

movie Pirates of the Caribbean ever have been made if it was just one pirate? What, did it just be Pirates of the Caribbean? If it was just Pirates of the Caribbean, he's just Jack Sparrow out there alone, like, fuck. Yeah, having sex with a cantaloupe. Yeah. So, but, due to there being multiple pirates, you have a whole

story. So I scrapped my, I've been working on this for about 45 years. A movie about one dog. Okay. And so it was just this bum-ass, probably 55-year-old dog at that point. And, you know... So I just fucking... I had it put down i didn't

didn't really see a point in the project and then i as i came up with this new idea i thought man i really could use that dog right about now so you revived it yeah and i brought it back and his name is j Hansen. Okay. And he's a Swedish dog, and he's the sweetest little thing now. Right, right. They say a Swedish dog is the sweetest dog. They do say that. I have heard people say that a lot, yeah.

But anyway, Jake, I wanted to bring you into this because I know it's going to make a lot of money. When I see shit like this, I think, dollar, dollar signs. Big cheddar stacks as far as I can see. Because you only have to pay a dog in bones and treats. And kibble and peanut butter. And kibble and water.

And love. And we'll have professional dog lovers on set. Why was it a cliche, like in movies and stuff, that people would put peanut butter on their dick and nuts and let dogs suck on it? Because you would do it. You did it so much that everybody else learned about it. No, I think people have been tricking animals into sucking them off forever. I would like to think that you're wrong, but you're probably 100% right.

Because ever since I saw that chimpanzee, that video of the chimpanzee fucking that dead frog's head, I kind of realized that, you know... Yeah, it's like a universal thing. It's like... Origin... Origin of getting your dick sucked.

Of peanut butter on peanut. Let's see. Hmm. I don't think you're going to find... I don't think the guy who got his nuts licked by a dog Would make a blog about it But I could be wrong But I would imagine that you're not going to find

I'm not really seeing anything on this You're not going to find patient zero for that It says the patient zero was Jake Rhodes No that is not The first guy to do that And he did it Only on guy It says only on guy dogs. Never for a girl dog.

Which is weird because to me the gender of the dog is not a big deal. Do you think there's homophobia in the bestiality community? Absolutely. Like you think so? Like if a guy is like, yeah, you know, I love my Rottweiler. You think some guy in Chile, you think he's going to fuck a giant mule that has a huge dick? No. That would be gay. Well, I'm thinking like you're already fucking an animal.

So it's like, who gives a fuck? I thought they went in the JJ. I i mean i'm sure they do but like you're having sex with an animal so it's like who gives you know two different you're already depraved like i don't know i don't know what some of the larger animals i know with a cow it's just deeper into the butt it's one hole they have a cloaca? I thought I know that. Maybe I made that up. I would love for you to teach an FAA class, dude. Just go back to Weatherford.

Just go to Weatherford Community College and be like, I'm going to head up to FFA. Then you're going to get the big glove and you're going to be like, you know what? We're going to learn about the inside of a cow today. It's one big hole on the side of its leg. I'm Googling cow vagina situation. All right. Let's see what they've got going on.

This is a cow's vagina. So they have a vulva. I don't want to hear about this shit, dude. I don't give a fuck. All right. I'm just going to look at a picture of it. I'm going to get a... That's not... That's probably not what it should look like. I don't give a fuck. Alright, let's just, I'm just gonna look at a picture of it. I'm gonna get a that's not

probably not what it should look like. I don't give a fuck. Uh, it's huge. Yeah, of course it is. It's a fucking cow, dude. Wow. What a giant. I always thought that was the butt.

I'm really not sure, Jake. It doesn't matter. Okay, I get it. I get it now. It looks like it's in their butt because it's almost at the exact same angle. It's like right below. God damn it. Right below the butt.

Great. So if you're going to have sex with an animal which i don't recommend and you they're right next to each other on a cow yeah so keep that in mind also keep in mind that you could go fly a kite or something if you'd like um but yeah uh i i think i i understand it now did you ever watch the documentary about the guys fucking donkeys in chile no of course i didn't but uh i watched like a 30 minute documentary on it one time there's a myth down there that and this is this isn't in the entire country it's like in a very small area yeah because it's like mountainous there and you know people are it's like uh their version of

hillbillies i guess yeah yeah everybody's got one yeah yeah so basically the myth is that it stretches out your penis. Oh, it makes it big. Yeah. To, as a boy, have sex with them. So, like, 12-year-olds will go fuck, like, donkeys. That takes nuts to steal, dude, because if you approach a mule and a donkey from behind, that's how you get your shit rocked. Yeah.

And you're coming up behind it with a fucking solid-ass Peter. I don't think so, brother. That sounds like a recipe for disaster for me. Yeah, so, like, the young boys will have sex with animals. Or mostly, I mean, the large animals. And then, as they get older,

they'll be like, no, we don't do that anymore. And then the interviewer is like, really? And they're like, we still do sometimes. I honestly, I always thought that the,

uh, the cliche of like country bumpkins, fucking farm animals was like not real until, I mean, I don't know. It's all stories, but I got a buddy who, uh,

um, grew up in like the panhand a buddy who grew up in the Panhandle and went to school in the Panhandle. And one of those kind of like you're bused 45 minutes to the nearest school type situations. He lives in the middle of fucking nowhere or grew up around there. He lives in Virginia now. And in high school, there was one guy whose family was always like, they were like a wealthy ranch and family or whatever. And they went to a party once.

And this is, this is not like a long story. He just said that, uh, they were like, you know, shotgun and beers in the barn. And the kid that whose family owned the barn,

he was like, uh, they were like, Oh, we're going to go start the bonfire. And he's like, all right, I'll meet you guys out there.

And what are you doing? He's like, Oh, I got to check on something up in the coop up, up, we're going to go start the bonfire. He's like, all right, I'll meet you guys out there. What are you doing? He's like, oh, I got to check on something up in the coop, up at the top. Thought I heard something fall or something. They were like, oh, they just wrote it off. Well, they go out there, and they're bonfiring it up and drinking and shit. And an hour passes or whatever, and they're like, oh, you know, where the fuck is Mike? Where the fuck? And they're like, he said he was still in the barn. They're like, you know what the fuck is where's mike what the fuck and they're

like uh he said he was still in the barn like oh maybe he passed out like this drunk ass you know let's go get him you know put him to bed sure enough they walk back in the barn and he's dig deep in an uh like a lamb like a like a like you know like a like a teenage like not a baby lamb but like a like a middle you know they said he said it was like a younger which again if there's homophobia in the bestiality community is there you know is there pedophilia like to me it's not great anyway he said he was never friend never talked to that guy again which you know what and things that can really ruin a relationship with a friend that's probably up there for you.

Yeah. It's cool. It's like an internationally known symbol of peace. Well, what sucks is you have fallen out with people. I have friends that I cherished and loved, and I just don't talk to them anymore for one reason or another. Maybe we grew apart, or maybe they were friends of mine when i you know different part of my life and i just don't have those same interests anymore but you know when everybody even ever asked me like whatever happened to evan i'm

like oh you know evan's still you know working at the body shop and you know just fucking smoking weed and hanging out i talked to him every now and then. It's fine. But like, oh, whatever happened to Mike? He used to come around all the time. Oh, I was drinking at Mike's house and I went over to his barn and he was having sex with an animal. That kind of doesn't, you know. You can't really come back from that, I feel like. I feel like you can come back from this. Unless you're like a real party animal.

Right. Like a smooth player. Like a smooth talker. He's like, yo, I i just i had to get some lamb pussy you're not gonna believe this i just tripped and fell dick first into this sheep what the hell y'all can y'all help me up y'all get me out of here yeah yeah i'm trapped this thing got gripped like crazy uh i remember on the same i guess here's the question would you have sex with a mouse for ten dollars mr president i know that things in israel are looking really bad uh that mr president yeah

wolf blitzer from cnn yeah you yeah hey hey hey mr president it was great to see you um i know things are looking really bad um and i know that you are under a lot of pressure right now with the israel situation and ukraine two very nasty wars i have a question though from um one of your constituents thomas from fort worth texas he wants to know if you would have sex with a field mouse for $10. You know, Jack, last time I fucked a mouse, I was marching for the Million Mouse March. Me and Martin Luther Mouse me and Martin Luther Mouse were marching

from the Minnie Mouse Mars and he said I have $10 for you Jack to have sex with the mouse and I did it because it was Martin Luther Rat it was Martin Luther Squeak thank you Mr. President and It was Martin Luther's squeak. Thank you, Mr. President. Yeah.

You're welcome. One more question from the same guy. I'm going to read all his questions. Okay, yeah. That's my job. That sounds good. I'm Wolf Blitzer, and I'm gay. Okay, that's gay. Okay.

Another question from Thomas from Fort Worth would you finger a little bug a hundred times for two hours and lick it's hole and kiss it on the bug lips and let it kiss your feet

and spit on it and bust inside and make a human bug morphism and do all that and let it crawl into your butt and then make it you gives you wings because of the sex connects through the genetics and the dna and the rna mnra and all that and then it afterwards it buys you breakfast and then you have a beautiful life together for one dime, 10 cents. The problem with having the... When you have a bug husband and the bug husband has...

The things that go fly through the air are the things that you have inside your bed. And when you have sex with a bug for one dime, then you're on time, Jack. Thank you. Thank you. One more question. This is from Glambu Esclavian from FR 1715

his question is Jesus 15 landed on our beautiful planet last week what will you do to defend us from in the upcoming war

we will need ammunitions as well as black what's that as well as some encouraging words from earth's leader or in our language Joe Biden the thing about having an alien when I was on the million alien March with Martin Luther alien and we remember when and Martin Martin Luther alien said to me it's not the size it's not the color of your alien. It's the content of your spaceship. Let he who casts the first... Thank you. Beautiful. That'll be all from me. Once again, I am Wolf Blitzer.

A fictional character from CNN Thank you Wolf Blitzer For coming by the show Man I'll let you know in a little secret Wolf Blitzer How come there's no Coyote Attacker Coyote

Coyote Krieg Wolf Blitzer I haven't even met her. What a fucking waste of a badass name to become a fucking debate moderator for old fucking dumbasses. Dude, if I had... Listen, if my name was Wolf Blitzer, I would kill people.

Or I would fucking... I don't know, I'd do something cool. Like I'd fucking, I'd break it off. Hello, my name is Shark Pogrom. And I will be, today I will be being passive aggressive to Hitler. My name is Tiger Treblinka. And I am a, hey, how's it going? My name is Cobra Birkenau,

and I'll be the host of your debates tonight. Yeah, it's stupid as fuck to have a name like that. And we're back with Chuck Rape. Things are heating up in the West Bank and Gaza. Let's take it on back to sports with Mr. Chuck Rape. Thank you, Samuel. Thank you, Samuel Penis. Thank you, Samuel Penis.

The Diamondbacks are really giving it to the Rangers today. And that's for Chuck Rabe's baseball corner. What a well-thought-out joke. Yeah, here's the thing about this one is that I am sick, and I feel awesome. Yeah, I feel pretty good. Oh, God. Do you think you're really sick?

Do you think you maybe have a cold? Dude, I don't. Here's the thing about this show is that um god it is sorry jake it's cool it's cool to talk to my friend for twice a week it's cool to bring people happiness and it's cool it's cool when episodes are great and it's cool when episodes you know you talk about uh the life of a dog 100 times for about 20 minutes. And you'd say Martin Luther bug. And you say all that type of stuff.

But I don't appreciate when you condescend to me. It's not nice. Well, we're a week and a half away. There's a lot of things that you condescend a lot of messages to me too. But I hope you get better from you know, if it helps I I saw a guy cough earlier.

That's awesome. That's pretty cool. Do you think you maybe have Seaver's disease? No. Growing too fast? I have big ass fucking I got big ass fucking...

I got big nuts from the South Player Syndrome. Earlier today, this guy at work was like standing really far away from everybody. Like the whole day. And my boss was like, Oh, you mucho sleepy? And he was like, Oh no, mucho COVID. like oh you mucho sleepy and he was like oh no mucho covid

mucho covey that's awesome that's badass yeah okay thanks man cool yeah thanks for giving four of the other guys a ride today. Yeah. I just like people now. I know people that get it and they just go about their day-to-day lives. Yeah. And I don't really have like a pick. I mean, I feel like I've had it a few times probably. I've had it like twice.

Yeah. Maybe three. But I've never had a positive test. But I only got it. only got tested during the pandemic. You know what I mean? But I also got it. I know I got it at least once because everybody at my work got it. And then I didn't even get tested. I just quarantined because I was like, all right, clearly I have it.

Right, yeah, yeah. But there's been a couple times where I was like, all right, clearly I have it. Right, yeah, yeah. But there's been a couple times where I was like, I either have some sort of flu or COVID. But honestly, a lot of that stuff is just mental in terms of whether you can still go to the store. Right, jack off, eat soup. Yeah. Drink beer.

Yeah, yeah. I don't, I'm not like an anti-vax guy i just think it costs money now and i won't be doing any of that uh when it was free it was kind of cool because i'll take anything if it's free for the most part um don't say like you know getting fucked or like a like a dog uh licking your butt cheeks or anything like that. Don't say anything like that. No, you pay good money for that. But when I found out that CVS was like, oh, we've got boosters for like 30 bucks, I'm like,

ah. I don't even pay my car insurance on time. I'm not really trying to do all that. I did turn down a free flu shot while at the doctor the other day. But the only reason why I turned it down

is because I was already getting two shots that day. And I was thinking, I kind of don't want to get three different shots at one time. Not fucking Captain America. I got vaccinated for pneumonia and tetanus so if you're fucking with me you better not try and target my lungs or my blood because i'm impervious yeah if you're trying to poison thomas with rust or some sort of bronchial infection just know yeah he came fucking prepared i'm fucking bulletproof now. Yeah, yeah.

You know you're in good health when at the ripe old age of 24, your doctor says you need to get a pneumonia vaccination. Life is crazy, Jake. It is. Someday it'll all be over, but we're here for this precious time. someday it'll all be over but we're here for this precious time and there's something so uh so elegant in that that we use we essentially all use our time for the same things for example uh eating cookies eating treats eating goodies caramels crunches lately i've been spending an inordinate amount of time looking at superchargers for cars really have yeah i've been looking at

commuter vehicles like from the 80s oh nice i'll look at yeah i don't know well mostly actually from the late 90s early 2000 2000s. Those are good years. Yeah, I like looking at stuff I can't afford, but I'll window shop for like Toyota Avalons, like just regular cars. Well, I was telling you, I'm looking for a car right now. And like a Honda with like 60,000 miles on it, it's like six years old, it's like $22,000 or whatever, $23,000. So I just say, fuck it, I'm going to get the car that i want which is the gto there's one right around the corner

for me there's also one by your house but it's too expensive they want msrp for it so i probably won't get it but um yeah i need a new car bad and uh and so i'm probably gonna do something really stupid here soon but that that's, you know what? Sometimes I've come to realize that as a man, sometimes you get, like when girls get depressed, they can make like a poem or they can make like a dream catcher or something. When guys get depressed, you have to make a big purchase that fucks you up for like two years. Maybe longer. Maybe forever.

Maybe you never fully financially recover. Maybe it just... Maybe like when you have your first kid and you go to buy that first package of diapers, you're like, wow, I'm still hurting from the C10 that I bought on a fucking impulse decision when I was having a manic episode 20 years ago. Yeah.

See, that's where I'm at. There's a 59 mile pontiac gto in new bronsles 30 minutes from me uh 21 21 and some change every responsible commuter car that i've seen that's five six years old is more expensive and with more mileage or around the same so i'm like'm like, fuck it. Why not? It's just an LS2 engine. You know? It's just a fucking 6 liter V8 that gets 13 miles to the gallon. Sounds like, and fucking goes faster than shit. I just got a ticket in the Nissan. What the fuck else is going to happen to me?

And then, you know, that little voice in your head goes, Jake, bro, you're trying to save up. You might as well get a house soon, dog. old the days of you know i feel like i miss my window to buy a car that's stupid like that because the next phase of my life where i get to is the end you know what i mean like i'm 29 like i feel like there's like a like from 18 to like 27 you get to do that type of shit but i guess what i was getting at is, yeah, whenever I get... I've known a lot of mid-40s guys or early 40s guys. But that's the midlife crisis.

That's what I'm saying. That's the next time you get to do that. A midlife crisis is like 10 years away. I wouldn't be too worried. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess 39, yeah. You think of it like it's never... Like it's going to happen in a really long time.

We're going to be in our 40s. Soon. Yeah, like relatively. Yeah. Like we're closer to our 40s than we are to the beginning of life. For sure. No, I understand that. I think when I'm 40, i'm 40 i'm probably gonna um

i'm probably gonna join the circus finally you're very flexible and all your joints were good so i've been working on tightrope but only at night because i get self-conscious you know my pole is like 200 feet tall and i'll just walk across the tightrope at night so my neighbors don't call me gay. But I don't even have a net down below. Dude, growing up, I used to think that walking on a tightrope was like an everyday thing for grownups. Really? Yeah, I used to think I would need to know how to walk on a tightrope when i got older my version of that was the unicycle i just thought like it was like a bike

like you just got like like the way you get a scooter every kid gets a scooter and every kid gets a mongoose bike or at some point or whatever like a huffy some walmart bike you know uh yeah i was like oh i'm gonna have to learn how to ride a unicycle at some point. Yeah, I think I just watched too many cartoons, and I was like, fuck, if I'm not good on a tightrope, I can't go on any adventures. Man, one day I'm going to have to dress up like a lady bunny, and I'm going to have to get hunted by my friend.

Dude, one day I'm going to eat a stick of dynamite, and it's going to make my stomach go whoop, and then I'm going to hold up a sign that says ouch, and then I'm going to eat a stick of dynamite and it's going to make my stomach go whoop and then I'm going to hold up a sign that says ouch and then I'm going to fall down a cliff in slow motion. Yo, I can't run away from home because I might end up in a circus and they're going to make me be one of the tigers. I have to jump through a hoop made of fire.

Shit. Thank you, Joe Biden. One time growing up we went to a circus or I thought it was going to be a circus and it was just donkey basketball that's badass

and they threw shit into the audience that's sick where the fuck did you go did you go to like a it froze it was at like a high school or something

it was on a basketball court like it was on an actual basketball court and they had fucking donkeys trampling on it like destroying the court did you go to like a hunger game school like what the fuck no this wasn't school related this was at night but this was they had the they had dudes with shovels and when the donkeys would shit they would just grab the shovels, pick it up, and just fucking hurl that shit into the audience. And it was really not popular with people. Like, people would leave over it.

Yeah, I don't think that I would be too pleased if I got poop thrown at me by a fucking redneck. It was right around Christmas, too. That's awesome, dude. We would... too that's awesome dude we would my grandma made this like hot spice tea or whatever which it's like uh it's got like tang in it and stuff okay okay anyway and i remember drinking that on the way to donkey basketball and then just getting shit thrown at us it didn't hit us because we're sitting up high enough my granddad knew you got to sit up high so they can't throw their shit on you um but we had a good time that i looking back i don't think i would i don't think i would go to another donkey

basketball event yeah i think that's like a one and done type deal yeah yeah we went to uh i guess it's tis the season it's a couple more months but there was a mall by where i grew up uh the pasadena town square mall uh in beautiful pasadena texas and it was like right on the corner or like right right where um i guess that part of town meets south Houston. It's a predominantly Hispanic area. This is context. And this was the mall that my mom would take me to go get my pictures

taken with Santa when I was a kid. It's also the one like it was the mall we went to to get like you know everything was cheap there and go to get school clothes

and it was it was also like we would go to the mall for like a day out or whatever, you know, like you go get a slice of pizza and you get a Coca-Cola and like play the arcade games or whatever. But we went,

I was like probably maybe like 12. And so my brother probably had to be like four or five. Um, and we went and, uh, every year that I had gone, they had a white Santa

which you just Santa's white in all the TV shows I don't care this year clearly like dark Mexican Santa clearly you have the hair and the hat

he was portly you have the hair and the hat. He was portly. You have the hair and the hat and the beard, but, you know, dark Santa. And we're like standing in line, and I'm hearing murmurs from like the other two white families in line that are like, is Santa Mexican mexican like is that uh honey honey look over there is santa mexican hell yeah i think i think that's a mexican santa anyway um and my mom like i went with my dad and my dad is like all right whatever you know. And we get up there.

This isn't really like, there's not like a big, you know, end to this. I just remember, I remember laughing very, very hard. I'm up there with my brother and my dad. Because I don't know why in my head I accepted Mexican Santa. I didn't care. Santa could have just got a tan. You know, it's christmas he's been on vacation he went to costa rica he smoked some weed hung out a couple brothels you know got

some fucking poontang whatever the fuck santa did you know got some strange from an old mrs claus is up fucking making bird baskets whatever the fuck i get up there and there's Mexican Santa. And I walk up with my brother and Mexican Santa goes, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. What did you want for the Christmas? And I laughed so hard that like everybody that was there at that got really mad at me. And of course, you know, like,

everybody around me is like, well, not everybody, basically just my dad and me are like, this is the best day of my fucking life.

Because when you go, you go to see Santa and you expect a fat guy who just works at 7-Eleven and this is the best time of year he gets paid money. My crazy man's doing the thing though.

This is just a guy who was working at the journeys like in the back. It's like stocking shops and shit. So anyway, this year, in order to be more multicultural, I would like to petition that all Santas be South American to some degree. Because it's a good memory for me. And I kind of want to relive that. I wonder how much you get paid to be a Santa.

He had a tip jar out there. This was every year. It wasn't just the Mexican Santa. I'm not trying to say anything outlandish. I'm going to look it up. I'm the fact checker. How much money does Santa make? Santa salary.

Santa hourly You cannot believe this But Santa's salary is not close to The salary range For a mall Santa job Is from $56,102 To $67,334 Per year in Texas That Okay and here's the thing You're making that shit In what The average to $67,334 per year in Texas.

Okay, and here's the thing. You're making that shit in what? The average hourly pay is $27 an hour. Here's the thing. You're making that much in like a two-month period. You know what I mean? Well, I'm wondering how accurate this is. I trust it.

Freelance Santas typically rake in $150 an hour, says this professional Santa. But some make as much as $500 an hour. You got to be a real fucking jolly motherfucker to be cleaning up that type of cheese. Yeah, you got to really look like Santa. Like, no fake beard. Yeah, yeah. Real beard, real hair, real belly, real rosy cheeks,

real fucking candy cane. How much do pro Santas make? So they have amateur Santas. Yeah. Oh, they have agencies. They have agencies for Santa. So Ed Taylor is one of the higher earning Santas. He's an L.A.-based Santa who regularly appears in commercials for Chrysler

and on television shows like Jimmy Kimmel Live and The Today Show. For an average gig, Taylor charges $250 to $275 for the first half hour, then an additional $100 for each half hour after that. When Christmas draws near, however, Taylor earns more. He charges between $400 and $600 for the first half hour for a gig on Christmas Day.

Get the fuck out of here, dude. And $200 for each half hour after. Holy shit. That's badass. Here's an awesome quote. So, before Taylor was earning this much, he was a public speaker playing Santa on the side,

trying to figure out his next business move. Begin quote, It always kept coming back to me. Santa. End quote, he said. Wow. Poetic. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to give her, Chris. Probably a lump of coal

because I'm a fucking piece of shit. But... Oh my god, Jake, you're bad. Yeah, I'm a naughty little fucking loser. It's the end of the fucking road. End of the line for me. End of the fucking road for old Jake. Apparently they can make up to $60,000 in a single holiday season. Again, that means you're clearing like $25,000, $30,000 a month for like two and a half months.

Because I know some places will trot out the fat fuck like November. You know, like around now. Like now. will trot out the fat fuck like November, you know, like around now, like now, like, which I mean, whatever the fuck, who gives a shit? The cool thing about my life is that when did you say when did you when did you say fuck this and is not real? How old were you? I was never told that he was real to begin with with i was trained from an early age that he was fake and that other kids would believe in him that's interesting that is here you know what's you told me i think you did tell me that before and you um i feel like that's something that i hear from people who are either raised in really secular households or like uber religious households.

Because I was raised in a somewhat religious household, at least when I was like me and my mom. But it was a Santa house. But I was a fucking little annoying shithead, and I was like, hey, this fat fuck can't get to all the houses. There's like a thousand houses in the world, which at the time when I was like six that's as many houses exist he's not doing that in a 24-hour period and my mom being like 20 years old or whatever 21 was like you know i don't give a fuck dude i gotta go to work at sonic so yeah you're right he doesn't exist or whatever and then she told me not to tell

any of the other kids at my school she said it's really important that you don't tell anybody this. But no, Santa's not real. I give presents. And of course, I went back to first grade and I was like, get a load of this, you fucking morons. Check this shit out. You know all your cool little fucking gifts you get? You know who puts those under the tree? It's not Santa.

It's your drunk ass dad. He drinks fucking 12 beers and he waits for you to go fucking Mimi's. And then he puts a bunch of fucking shit under the tree and he writes Santa on it. And that's all she wrote.

It's not real. And I got in trouble. And that's why I am the way I am today. Well, that's really disrespectful of you, Jake. Yeah. And if I were Santa,

I would fucking kill you for doing something like that. If I was Santa, I would fuck you in the ass, dude. Fucking loser. If I was Santa, I would have given you a fucking... I would have given you a real job. If I was Santa, dude, I would... I would have sucked the skin clean off your feet. Couldn't walk the next day.

If I was Santa. Just talking shit at a bar. Dude, if I was Santa, I would suck the skin straight off your feet. Couldn't walk the next day. If I was Santa. Just talking shit at a bar. Dude, if I was Santa, I would suck the skin straight off your sack, dude. Yeah, it'd hurt to sit down for a long-ass time. If I was Santa,

I would fuck you out, dude. I'd treat you like a creature. Dude, if I was... You're lucky I'm not Santa, dude, or I'd take you out of back and I would... I'd fucking... I'd kiss you so hard your lips would come off. I'd binge you up like a guy, like, I'd make you look like silly putty.

Make you look like water. I'd make you look like mud, dude, fucking, there'd be nothing left of you except paste. I would teach your ass a new language. Yeah, if I was saying, if I was saying it, dude, I'd ruin your fucking life. You wouldn't wake up. You wouldn't be able to think about anything else. You couldn't look in a mirror without spitting on your own cock, you piece of shit. It would fucking suck to get fucked by a sailor.

That shit would piss me off. I would get real mad. I'd say, I got a girlfriend, dude. Hey, listen, man. I'm supposed to get married soon. So you got to put that thing away. Hey, Santa, you do not get to fuck. Santa, look.

I'm getting married. Santa, I'm not sexually curious. And I'm really pissed off that you're doing this against my will. I'm not Santa-ly curious. I'm not trying to have Martin Luther Santa. I have a present. Very good. And on that note,

we have a present for you. You should fucking come to Shuba's Tavern on November 10th in Chicago, Illinois at fucking 8 p.m. Got a badass show for you. It's 7.

Doors are at 7. 7 yeah show's at 8 come for the doors yeah come for the doors we get the money either way no please come and we've got some really sick ass sweaters I posted them on the Patreon we got some cool sweaters that are only gonna be

for people who come to the show and then whatever's left we're going to sell on Patreon. You can check out those pictures on fucking goddamn Twitter. Like a boss. You should post them on Instagram too, did you? I did. Yeah, Pandejo time worldwide on Instagram. Check out their shirts.

They're pretty sick. We're doing a limited run. Well, they're on my personal Twitter. I didn't put them on the Pendejo Time Twitter. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think I retweeted them. But, yeah, they're – I mean, they're on my personal Instagram and then my personal Twitter,

but they're not on the show Instagram. Okay, throw them on there when you get a chance. That's your homework for today. Yeah, and then you head on over to pendejotime.com slash Patreon, whatever the fuck, and throw us five bucks a month if you like this episode. If you like awesome, crazy, psycho, wacky, witty, surreal comedy

like The Dog That Lives 100 Times or whatever the fuck Thomas said, five bucks a month gets you access to all the backlog of episodes and a fucking bonus episode a month. Ten bucks gets you access to the video episodes. We just put one up and we got another in the fucking chamber uh check out our clips our youtube uh pendejo time on youtube uh our uh tiktok is pendejo dot time yeah check that out um we just got a new clip up there it's going super viral i think it's already got two likes. It's already got like ten likes.

Run that shit up. Run that shit up and come to the fucking show and we'll probably do more shows next year or we'll just never do the show again. We'll see. Or we'll just blow up. Not in a good way. I'll just fucking kill myself. Wah wah wah. Alright you guys have a good one. We'll see you in a couple days. Happy Thanksgiving. I'll just fuck off. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah. All right, you guys have a good one.

We'll see you in a couple days. Happy Thanksgiving. Bye. Farewell.