Pendejo Time - mary had a little lamb

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

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We got to go ahead. So like whenever I, this was like 2019 or whatever, I, there was, I was working warehouse for a while and night shift and I hated it so much. And so I, this was right after I'd first dropped out of college. First year, this was after the second time I dropped out of college and uh i didn't know how to tell my parents that like i both wasn't going back to school and like had just sort of quit like the only decent paying job i'd ever had after like seven weeks so i just uh they were on a little vacation whenever it happened.

And then they got back, you know, and they're like, oh, how are things going? I was like, good. Because the way I'd quit is I like, I got in my car to go to work. It was like an hour long drive. Right. And I sat there, had my keys in my hand had my work clothes on had my boots on and i just i just didn't go i sat in the car for like 10 12 minutes and i was like i can't fucking do this yeah yeah went back inside and i was like i guess i'm never going back there um so i told them that i put a two weeks notice in so that sounded at least like oh you know i'm gonna

work my two weeks yeah yeah yeah what i did for those two weeks was i'd go because i worked night shift which made it suck so much worse yeah i would leave the house at like 4 30 and just drive to planet fitness and just hang out for like seven or eight hours i'd like work out for like an hour so i wasn't in great shape at the time i'd been working out but like yeah i didn't have the type of workout endurance to where i could really be doing that much shit so i'd like go rock style workouts for like go like half-assedly do the treadmill and then like exercise bike for a little bit just like walking and right they had their free wi-fi so i'd go sit in the locker room, you know, for about an hour, get on my phone, take a shower. Um, maybe we'll go back to my car, sit there, pretend like I had left.

This is in the parking lot. You know, sit there, listen to music for like an hour, go back in, which it's the same people. They haven't switched out the shift or anything. Of course. of course. Work out again. Once again, not a very good workout. I might hit weights or something, but like pec deck, not like, you know. Yeah, you're not. I'm not doing supersets here.

Yeah, you're not cranking. Yeah, yeah. And another thing I would do, because, you know, at the time I was working like 12, 14-hour shifts, so I really had fucked myself and i had like an hour long commute so like so you needed to kill like 15 yes dude so this ended up being like the best two weeks of my life because what i would do it sounds like it dude i mean i had no plan whatsoever um yeah i would sometimes i'll just go to this one like ditch and smoke weed

for a while which is cool to do not really ever but like if you're like 13 doing that it's like whatever you know that's what you do when you're like 19 it's like i want you to know something man you and me started early or i did and you knew people that did i'm gonna let you finish your story but people have told me when i tell stories like this i say shit like that and they're like no it's normal for 19 year olds to smoke weed in a ditch you think that way because you started smoking weed in a ditch when you were like 12 and i'm like what no 19 is when you grow up and you do adult shit. And they're like, no.

A lot of people who are well-adjusted now, 19 was ditch smoking weed day. I'm sorry that you started smoking weed in a ditch and getting into fistfights with 20-year-olds when you were 13 years old. So I'm just letting you know that like i've had several people i've told stories like with that similar sentence in it and they're like i gotta stop you man you gotta stop saying shit like you're 50 years old and you grew up in like flint michigan and like like the the the automobile industry days where you're like getting into fucking the warrior style gang fights with lead pipes anyway continue yeah we you know you used to keep the the razor blade in your brain or whatever you pull it out and you'd fight over you know who was taking the prettiest 14 year old girl out for

milkshake that that weekend yeah taking dad's pinto out yeah so i would there was this one gas station that would always sell me alcohol, partially because I just looked on the brink of death all the time. This was before I figured out that drinking water is like... Important. You know, it's not fun to do, but if you want to be even like slightly more fuckable... Yeah, it helps. Drinking just one glass of water, man,

really does the trick in terms of... At the time, I was like, damn, dude. Really, I haven't been getting it in much lately. I wonder what that is. Well, I should probably just keep drinking like 12,000 calories of soda a day and just probably smelling like 12 000 calories of soda a day and like

and just probably smelling like a fucking landfill yeah yeah i just smell like a glove box so wait so you're bowling so you go to the so we gotta we gotta get back so the bowling alley from what i was telling you earlier you're, oh, this is like your local bowling alley. No. This is Mountaineering Lanes in Mineral Wells, Texas, which I did not live next to. There is a bowling alley in Hudson Oaks. It was not a far drive. It was like maybe 25 minutes, which out in the country is like not bad.

No. But I didn't like those lanes okay they were too crowded and i couldn't focus yeah and for the audience uh you should know that um i'm not like good at bowling at all and i'm not being humble either like i'm I'm not good at bowling at all, and I'm not being humble either. I'm average to worse than average, and I also don't go bowling. But I don't like the Phil Malley lanes because they don't feel authentic to me. I can tell. They were built recently, and there was never a time in which you could smoke cigarettes in there. There was never a time in which you could smoke cigarettes in there. Anyway, so I would drive like 40 minutes to this shithole town so I could play these $2 games by myself

in this almost completely empty bowling alley at like 4 p.m. on like a Monday. There would be no one there the only people i ever saw there would be either guys like me except like 55 years old and they would like bring a 24 pack with them yeah you know like who's gonna say you can't the guy up front he doesn't give a fuck you know he's been working there 20 years and he makes 11 an hour still yeah he doesn't give a fuck about anything no no no you wouldn't care those guys would go in and bowl like 190 or something yeah which you know like we're pretty decent um and me i would go in and just be vaping a big box mod or something just just living it up and i would bowl like eight straight games

and just fucking bomb every single one and get so pissed off because there was not one thing, not one part of my life was going even remotely well. But I would go there at least once. I think I went there probably like six times in those two weeks. Yeah. And one of the times it was me in there and this old Sunday school group of ladies. They were like 70s, 80s. And they were all bowling pretty decent, actually. I mean, they weren't hitting strikes or anything, but high 90s at least.

Not bad for that age range. you know high 90s at least not bad for that age range and the only other person there was this dude with down syndrome who was there with his mom and he fucking rocked the the way he threw it so he would throw the ball from the seating area he would sit back he would stand by the table yeah like i'm talking like 12 feet behind the line, dude. And he would just throw the motherfucker. And he would hit some shit. He was like... I mean, at that distance, hitting anything is impressive.

He was bowling like... He probably got like a 45 or something. But you're putting away, I mean, you're. But he had, dude, he also had like the 12 pound. He was just chunking that motherfucker. And so I had been, I think I was like three games deep. And I was getting almost the exact same score every time. Yeah.

And these are wood lanes, right? But they're all warped as fuck. Like, it is really hard to score decent on them. Because, like, you'll throw it straight, and then it'll, like, hit a bump or whatever. It just goes in the gutter. Meander off, yeah. So each lane is completely different. You've got to relearn it, which, you know, is part of the challenge for me.

Unemployed. Yeah, just, you know, I smoked, like, seven cigarettes before going in Unemployed. Yeah, just, you know, I smoked like seven cigarettes before going in there. I'm like, ah, let's do it, baby. Back at it again. Hell yeah. So I was, I was like probably three or four frames in. Just pissed off. I was getting like seven or eight a frame.

Just not, not doing it. But my mood turned around pretty quick because this kid, any time I would even, like, throw it, I could hit a complete gutter, like five foot off the line. And he would cheer for me so hard. He'd be like, yeah, nice. And I was like, thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Thank you, brother. Yeah. Anyway, I hope he's doing well. Yeah. Probably works in a McDonald's or something. Well, if he does, I bet he loves it. So I've talked about my dad on here a lot. My dad is not a guy who keeps up with anything that he buys ever okay my

dad has lost cars he's lost homes he's lost musical instruments he's pawned everything he's ever owned either for beer money or drug money or whatever okay he lived in a condemned fucking house his mom his mother's house for like a year and a half no running water no electricity like took that shit in the backyard lived like a fucking animal okay prefacing this next part with that he has still to this day he has had the same bowling ball all the all the shit that he's lost all like dude i'm kidding. Thousands of dollars worth of nice guitars that he saved up for. And then one day was like, I need to smoke crack like now. And would just go pawn the shit.

Amps, basses, fucking, like, you know, pedals. And then just, his house got foreclosed on when my parents were together. He's got one bowling ball dude in the same bag that he bought in like 1990 like four years before I was born and this is his ball you don't use it we've gone bowling together like I like I've been an adult but he's had it since I was a little kid and so I've asked him I'm like dude you've lost you've just straight fucking hocked guitars you've crashed cars you've sold cars like why the fuck why the fuck hold on to this ball like dude it's dusty like the the finger holes are so grimy and dirty from just lanes all across the state of Texas and Louisiana. Is he good?

My dad is a strong motherfucker. He's just one of those guys that he'll fucking hum it and put so much fucking stank on it. He's one of those guys, it'll be going into the he's one of those guys it'll be going to the gutter ride the fucking line and then he'll hit a strike he just fucking walks up to it he holds it by the forearm by the way he doesn't put his fingers in the motherfucker he cradles it in his fucking forearm and just and fucking spins it dude and he's he's good in the sense that he just throws so fucking hard that if it gets down lane and it's even kind of in the center, he's going to get a strike.

It's not really like an aim game for him. He's not a tactician. He's more of like, he's not a surgeon. He's a brute. So every time he gets a new car, he's probably had 20, 25 cars in his life. Either he crashes them or sells them or they break. He don't change his oil.

So he just kind of runs them until whatever. In the back of that car going on, I'm 27 years old. The back of that car is that fucking bowling ball and that bowling ball bag from 1990. Same for the, and i'm like dude why this thing like why i've asked him he's like well it ain't worth nothing can't sell it for no money and i'm like that is like so retarded to me but also like a custom bowling ball or no no it's he bought one and i guess he bought one there was a bowling alley in Pasadena where I lived called Diamond Lanes. And it was like the bowling alley for that little part of the area where they had legitimate dudes,

550-pound alcoholics go there and just crush 250, 300 games. They were fucking nasty. I used to bowl in a bowling league when i was a little kid anyway he bought it there i think but i'm not 100 sure but anyway yeah i've like i like he he'll call he'll be like yeah just pawned the tailor you know needed uh needed money to get by on and i'm like do you still have that stinky dusty fucking bowling ball from like when george bush was president the first one he's like yeah i never let that thing go and i'm like what what like how does your brain work where

like this is what you choose to take care of like you've lost everything the homes instruments cars The homes, instruments, cars, clothes, family, friends. Like, you, this is your thing. And he's like, I don't know, man. He's like, this thing, like, it holds up. And I'm like, it's a bowling ball. I'm not asking how you haven't broken it yet. That is not the question. That would be way more impressive.

That would be way more impressive if you broke it. You know, every time I get mad, I just split one in half. Like those Polynesian guys do. Yeah, do watermelons. Just tap it. Bunk. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not concerned as to how it's like rosin.

It's like rosin and hard plastic. I'm curious as to like, how have you not even lost it? He loses his wallet like every week and a half since i've been born goes to get a new driver's license he loses his phone keys but you keep track of like and he doesn't even it would be different if my dad was like my dad's a good bowler insofar as he bowls hard like a motherfucker but he's not a bowler it would make total sense if my dad was like a semi-pro that I would get hey that's your lucky ball it's one of those sports where I'm sure guys have lucky balls or whatever no my dad bowls

like me all right you know probably better than everybody you're that you go out and you bowl with but you're not like you're not a professional bowler so why the fuck is this the thing that you hold on to and And I swear to God, dude, I would not be surprised if like my dad has nothing to give me when he dies, which is probably going to the way that my dad's lived his life and continue to live, you know,

God bless him. Hope he doesn't. But the one thing he will bequeath to me as a bloodline heirloom will be that fucking bowling ball. Cause it's the only fucking thing that he's kept up with since i've been alive i think yeah for the last 30 31 years how much is a bowling ball i don't know i probably hedged his bet say 150 i bet the custom ones get expensive oh yeah the ones that are like clear rosin and like the they have like uh

like the marbling or whatever yeah yeah like a steak yeah it looks like a i don't know like a dnd dice or something yeah my mom so when my mom turned 21, I turned five or I had just turned five. So I remember, uh, I remember my mom's 21st birthday. We were at a bowling alley. We were at diamond lanes when I was just talking about. And, uh, my parents, I think were on the outs, but my dad shows up with that ball. Uh, and I, for some reason reason when you're a kid and your dad has his own bowling ball

in my mind that was like oh my dad's like the president of bowling like your dad has his oh he doesn't get it off the rack oh he's like the best bowler in the world and so his it was like I forget

it was like Rugrats. I don't fucking know. But my dad shows up and gets his own lane because he didn't want to bowl with the bumpers on like I was. He drank like 10 pitchers of Miller Lite. I don't fucking know. It was an insane amount. He got bobbed. And he thought it was funny to keep throwing kind of like the kid you were just talking about.

Yeah. He would – but he wouldn't do it in his own lane he he would throw the ball in the other lane like six feet to the right he would just fucking like not on purpose he started he started well the first few were on accident then he realized it was making everyone mad and i get that from my dad where like if something you're doing that you think is funny, but is pissing off at least 10 other people, you're going to keep running that joke into the ground. Like that's what,

like, like that adds a whole other layer to it. You're like, man, I'm being an asshole right now. And it's not like something I can go to jail for. Fuck. Yeah.

So he would be like, all right, I'm done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry everybody i don't keep doing this and he would go up there and he would like assume the bowling position cradle it in his fucking forearm and just go fuck and then just throw it over his the whole gutter over the lane into the lane over and there's like people bowling there it's like a busy saturday it's like one of the first like fully ingrained memories i have into my own head and my mom's like god damn it david no he's like it fucking every time i just

butterfingers today and like that that for something like i like again i've told many stories about my dad on here like if there's one thing i say about the guy he is so goddamn funny like there have been so many times in my life where he's done something to upset wherever we're at in public, 20, 30 people. But me, man, I fucking, I think that shit rocks. It's hilarious. He, I think he, I definitely told the story. I mentioned it before several times that he clotheslined the dog and not KO'd the dog. Yeah.

But he also like, he, there was one time that uh do you know stevie ray vaughan yeah do you know his cover of mary had a little lamb i think i've heard it before yeah mary had a little lamp anyway it's not important how the song goes because my we were at a beach house that my uncle rented. It's my mom's brother. And my cousin, Brian, was like, he's always been, I'm not kidding, dude. He's probably been 200 plus since he was like 10 years old. Big boy. Large. And this was the time my dad got me fucked up on Arbor Mist when I was like nine. But he, yeah, he, so he was already in the dog house.

I like that that's a story you can reference. This is when I got drunk when I was nine. Yeah, yeah he might so he was already in the dog i think that's the story you can reference this is when i got drunk when i was nine yeah yeah yeah the uh he was already in the dog house so when my dad is in the dog house with my mom he doubles down he does not he's never been an apologizer which respect uh it was a very sort of a chaotic way to grow up, but he wasn't like a babe. I'm sorry, guy. He was like, well, fuck it. We're going to do it. You want me to apologize? Hell no.

Like he's just kind of anyway. So he sang it. He, he pulled out, my dad would pull his guitar out of seemingly anywhere, but he wasn't like a corny, like it wasn't like a corny guitar to party guy thing. He would just take a song that he recently learned,

Alice in Chains, Metallica, Stevie Ray Vaughan or whatever. And he would like do parodies, but it would not be about like gay stuff that people love to do now. It would be something incredibly insulting and rude about somebody within 10 feet from him. And he would do the whole song and so that was my cousin brian he was going up under the patio like the the the second story so we were we were sitting up on the second story patio of the beach house and he was under it with the water hose and he was squirting everybody like through the slats the gaps in the wood and he kept getting water on

my dad's guitar and so my dad picks the guitar up and he starts doing mary had a little lamb by stevie ray vaughan the blues version but about how my cousin brian who is a seven or eight year old boy is hopelessly medically fatter than fuck like this is a child my uncle is right there his wife next next to him. My mom, his aunt, 10 feet, over there smoking a cigarette, just fucking head in her hands, dude. And he's like, my dad's like, had a fat ass little nephew. He really smelled like shit. And my mom's like, David, stop. And my uncle's just, it's his son, it's his fat little boy.

He's not athletic. He's not smart. He has no redeeming qualities. But that's his only son, right? And when you're from Texas and you've got a fat boy who is not remarkable, it's still your fat boy. So he's pissed, right? And my dad will not stop.

Everyone's like, David! Cut it out! And he's like, he's really fat as fuck. And I'm, dude, I'm fucking, also I'm a fucking shithouse drunk, dude. And like, my dad's like, and my dad is a really good guitar player. So, it's, it would be funny if my dad was just kind of okay, but he's, like, hitting blues scales. Like, fat motherfucker.

And I'm, like, God damn, like, I am losing my fucking mind. And I'm like, God, like, I am losing my fucking mind. And what was, like, again, like, another thing that made it, like, all the more funny is, like, he is the king of, like, when a joke stops being funny, even, like, it's pissed so many people off. But the people who thought it was funny have been like, all right, that's enough. He does not stop. Like, he just, like, when you're like, oh, that was good. How long has this been going on? Two and a half minutes? About your nephew being so fat that he can't get upstairs normally,

and he's right there. Like, the kid could hear it. The water stopped spraying, and then you look down through the slats, he's just like. My dad's, like, looking down at him like i see you looking up here you fucking fat piece of shit and like he finally the song ends and he's like all right well i'm done it just goes inside and like pours himself a drink like and like shit like that happened like all the time.

And, and I don't like, again, like I can't, you know, he, he, he was, had his own set of fucking problems, his own demons in his own way. But like, I credit him in total, completely for like a sense of humor that really hasn't benefited me in any way and has made people some people many people not like me at all but it is like it's it i i the show like having being able to like sell shirts on like i I don't know. Like he's just, he's the funniest fucking guy I know. Like Ashley, we were talking, we talk about it all the time. Like she's like, I don't know, man. Like your dad's something else.

He's a fucking trip. But like last Christmas when we first started this show, like three weeks after we first started. Yeah. We go over, my dad doesn't really get people stuff for Christmas. He just doesn't. When we were kids, it was all my mom's doing. My dad would put his name on shit, but he never really had any money. And like, you know, neither did my mom, really.

But he just didn't. You didn't get gifts from dad. My mom would get the gift, and then he would do like a signature on it, like he was a celebrity. It just said, didn't say from dad. It said gifts from dad. He, my mom would get the gift and then he would do like a signature on it. Like he was a celebrity. It just said, didn't say from dad. It said like from Dave, like that's what the president would say. He's got like a fancy D on there. Yeah, I know.

It's like a slanted D and a little A. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. And, uh, fuck, what was I saying? God damn it. Uh, he, he got her something. Oh yeah, he got her something oh yeah he got yeah yes so like when this happened i was like i wasn't i wasn't weird jealous or that i was just like so we walk in we're sitting down and my dad walks in uh drinking i told you about the swamp juice

thing right i don't think so oh god damn it all right we can get to that we can get to that but anyway so i'm like oh yeah swamp juice yeah yeah no i don't i know what you mean yeah that thing that dads drink so he's like uh hey merry christmas motherfuckers and uh you know like stained denim shorts big big dog shirt that's got fucking queso on it he's like hey ashley i got something merry christmas and he pulls out a big bag of weed and throws it at her like it hits in the chest and it's got the he drew it on it he's it's from dave and he drew on the like nirvana x smiley face on it with like the squiggly x's and he was like, I think it's like an eighth in there. I ain't sure,

but it's yours. You can smoke it. Smoke all of it. I don't care. Smoke right now if you want, but Merry Christmas. And I was like, it's like your dad

buying your girlfriend weed for Christmas. Not that, I mean, it's not that, I mean, it's not that weird, but it's like he,

it was really just like, I was like, dude, I would have liked some weed for Christmas. I would have liked the but at some point, like anyway, the swamp juice thing. Dude, I could have swore I told you about that. He will go. I don't think I would forget a story about something about a grown man drinking something called swamp juice.

So he goes and gets one of the lemonade vitamin waters uh and it's an awful start yeah it's a terror yeah he goes against one of the lemonade vitamin waters and then a blueberry mio one of the little additives yeah and the caffeinated one i think and uh he drinks half of the lemonade vitamin water and then he fills it up with the blue – like puts like half the blue Mio in there and then tops it off with Jvedka vodka. And he walks around and drinks that all goddamn day. And he calls it swamp juice because the color of it, it's like a sickly – it's like the yellow and then the dark blue of the Mio makes it like a sickly brownish green. And he drinks it hot. Like he doesn't have AC in his car. So the drink will just get the temperature of a hot car in Texas, 130, 140 degrees.

I don't know. Not that hot, but hot. Like 115 maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he actually was there like again i'm not embarrassed by like my dad's my dad like i told her and ashley you know she's we've been together two years now she gets it but anyway we uh we're at the that's the same same day as the weed giving gift giving story yes um she's like what are you drinking he's like oh

it's my swamp juice and she's like swamp juice rightfully so but he said it like everyone should know what that is yeah it's fucking swamp juice man yeah yeah are you stupid what are you retarded yes so of course everyone when he's like oh this is swamp juice like nonchalant we're all like you have to explain now okay you have to like let it let us know and so he's like he's like oh well what you going with swamp juice fucking good because you i mean you can't walk around drink liquor right so but you can walk around drink swamp juice like he goes on like a ted talk speech like he's standing in the kitchen he's like you're gonna go to the gas station you're

gonna want to get yourself a lemonade vitamin water you're gonna want to make sure it's lemonade okay and then you're gonna gonna want to go to cvs or wherever carries a little little mio things and you're gonna want to put the like two three big squirts of meal in there and then you're gonna want to fill it with vodka i drink svedka and then you shake her up real real violet tastes fucking so good and you can walk around drinking it nobody's gonna say nothing it looks like something you drink going to the gym you know like something you drink i mean just looks like a drink you know and i'm again coming from a guy who has like three duis, he's like, you walk around. I walk around drinking at Walmart.

I drink at a store. Nobody asked me. And I'm like, okay. It's nothing new to put liquor in a bottle of water and walk around drinking it. I did that in high school. I did it in college. I've been doing it since I was like 15. But to make like a cocktail, like a shitty one that doesn't taste good because he was

also like you gotta try he was like you gotta try this man it's refreshing tastes great gets fucked up and i'm like all right whatever it tasted like dog shit it's like sugar-free like like you know like aspartame vitamin water taste yeah and then way too much that those meos are sour it's like the concentrate is like super tangy because you're supposed to do like two drops into a glass of just normal water. So it's like sickly, sour, dark diarrhea,

green. And then it's like, like half of a 16 ounce bottle, eight, nine ounces maybe of fucking like hot vodka. Cause he keeps nine ounces, maybe, of fucking, like, hot vodka, because he keeps his vodka in the back of his car. So the vodka's already hot when it goes in the drink. And he's like, man, I drink this shit.

I mean, it just... And also, like, you can just get, like, a Yeti or something. Like, you just... If you had it in, like, just a... something where you couldn't see what it was... Yeah, but Yetis are, like, high-end dad, like... Yeah, but, like, you can get... A similar...'t see what it was. Yeah, but Gettys are like high-end dad. Yeah, but you can get one of those for like $10.

Yeah, you get like a knockoff. No, my dad doesn't rock that way. My dad just drinks out of whatever plastic is in the car still. He doesn't really. But yeah, the swamp juice thing whenever i see him and he's got a fucking big bottle of vitamin water and it's like a sickly green color i know that he's at least out of a one to ten drunk level like a hard seven and it'll be it's like midday tuesday he's like figure that start early i'm like five days early

but uh yeah like i don't understand like again like he's 50 something years old you know like he doesn't he's not gonna have an epiphany now you know so i'm like whatever man it's funny like it's very fucking funny and my mom of course is like it's not funny he walks around drinking fucking what swamp liquids he comes to my things to call it too yeah it would like okay when you're like eight to 17 18 maybe you got some roommates i i remember in college when I was like 18, 19, we would come up with drinks and name them fucked up shit. We had like...

Yeah, this is shit water. Shit gamer soda was one of ours. We had a bunch of them. You know, like bitches... I don't know. But to be like a man with two kids in their 20s and being like, I named this. You should try it.

It's hotter than hell, though. It's real fucking hot. It's been sitting in the back of my car like six hours. It's fucking hot. It tastes good. Puts some hair in your fucking chest. That's for goddamn sure. It's called swamp juice.

This one, it's a mix. You drink half of a 40 bowl English, and then you put in as much butt ice as you can. Fill it back up. I call it the crucifix. By the way, I was wondering, do any of you guys know how to file a 1099? Because I haven't.

Dude, he doesn't. never mind i don't know it doesn't matter he uh he he's told me like on several occasions whenever i do my dad's voice i don't really have a thick texas accent but when i do my dad's voice too long and i'm done doing it it'll bleed into mine i've noticed it when i've told stories to other people about him i'll be like hey anybody want to get a beer fuck okay normal we're back to normal hey has anybody seen my car keys oh shit all right anyway like he he just like i don't i don't know dude he's he's a fucking trip man like he he's he he's like yeah i mean i'll IRS something like, I don't know, 30, 35. I don't know.

I own money. And I'm like, are you on like a payment plan with him? He's like, no. I'm like, he's like, do you pay your student loans? I'm like, no, but it's like it's different, man. It's like the IRS. Like, they'll fuck you. He's like, they ain't taking me to jail.

And I'm like, what do you mean? They love to take people to jail. Also, the payment plans are not unreasonable. No, no. Especially for regular guys. They're not like, we need $400,000 this year. It's more like paying car insurance or something. He buys into the mentality which is like like realistically

objectively not true he's like they don't go after a little guy they only care about motherfuckers they ain't paying two three million dollars taxes i'm like listen that is like a fucking sure i'm sure that there's plenty of cases of that but the guys who are like short millions of dollars can afford million-dollar lawyers, right? They can get it knocked down, whatever. Guys like you who don't have a savings account at 54 years old don't have that. You are exactly who they're looking for. It's much easier for them to nail like a hundred thousand of you to the wall that

it is to go after one guy who owns like seven million back taxes yeah the uh the rs is also like admitted before they're like yeah we tend to like target like lower to mid yeah range income because like it's easier to prosecute yeah you know like yeah i'm not gonna litigate they're not gonna hold it up in court uh yeah that's the way i my plan is i'm not gonna pay taxes but i'm gonna be making millions like probably next year yeah i did yeah um we keep cranking out episodes like yeah you know one's like yesterday oh man we're gonna be fucking you you just trying to you know ones like yesterday oh man we're gonna be fucking you you just trying to you know talk me off the ledge or whatever um while my dad is uh you know smashing making fucking a a new story to the house or whatever i don't know what's going on but um yeah yeah i don't

know man i mean i i dude i i wish and wish him all the fucking best uh yeah i know he listens to the show which dude that fuck that i thought you meant my dad i was no no no i was like he doesn't and he also um doesn't like respect it or knowledge i think if you ever heard it you know he he would just pretend he didn't and you know but it's okay um you know i'm a lot like i'm a lot like michael jackson in that let's hear this one i've been trained to do this my whole life yeah um i've been through it all you know way rough for childhood used to be black too didn't you i used to be black uh i got a vitiligo however you pronounce that i was reading about how he like originally wasn't planning on uh the full conversion or whatever yeah he had vitiligo and i think he like

is that how you pronounce it yeah vitiligoiligo. I have Vitiligo. Oh. My son is white. Yeah, yeah. I think... It's like a... It's like a... Antonio Banderas. Yeah.

I love my white son. I am Michael Jackson. I hate my black dad. I do not. I put carousel in front of my house for entertainment purposes. My son, have you heard of Neverland? Would you like to share a bed with me? A 53 year old man.

We can play Twister. I can pretend to be Puss in Boots. And you can be Shrek. And we can chase each other around. Oh, you are running from me. Oh, you want to play? Do you want

Grammy to keep in your room? I have cleared this up with your parents, by the way. In exchange for a hundred and fifty. I came to your father's house. I really want to switch into like just a Nigerian. Yeah, it's very, I know

what you're saying. It's very, very close. I come to your father's It's me, Michael Jackson. I come to your father. It's me, Michael Jackson. I come to your father's house. I come to your father's house. I buy him off $100,000 in tickets to Disneyland. You stay with me. Did you ever watch the documentary?

No. That was the craziest. Whatever the fuck. I forget what it was called. That was the craziest part because the mom of these two guys, these two guys are relaying horrific shit that happened to them. Terrible shit. And then it cuts to the moms, and they're all weepy-eyed.

They got the fucking bump, the makeup, and they're like, How was I supposed to help my boy? I'm getting his penis. Bye. you know and then like 20 minutes later she's like well you know he gave us tickets to disneyland and and and he said i'll watch the boys you go and i'll and and and i mean you know why not trust him? Well, I know for one, so I've read a little, like, Wikipedia on it. Yeah. Like, one of the cases, it was, like, it got dropped or whatever because it was, like, something where, like, the dad,

or at least Jackson's lawyers were able to frame it to where, like, the dad convinced the son to say some shit but it's like yeah there were like several kids there right yeah I mean so like some of this I'm not gonna I'm not gonna go on record and say that some of the stories maybe were fabricated you know some of these kids they don't know what they're talking about you know yeah no i'm like what i'm saying is like i am saying that there's a common denominator here it's like the cosby thing man it's like you don't you 80 people 60 however many for him like something happened you're a piece of shit you get all those things how much time we got left 42 minutes i got

okay we that is we got 42 more minutes this is going to be a super episode no we got i have i have 25 hours to acquit to to clear michael jackson's name forever i'm gonna start by googling i just wanted on record that I opened Safari, and it was just different train horns that I want to put on my truck. Is that how they sound? Yeah. At first, I was looking at some of the air ones that are like $1,800. They're like the actual volume of a train.

Like 180 decibels? Yeah. Completely illegal to put yeah yeah it would be so fucking like blow the back windows of a nissan i live right next to a bunch of railroad tracks so it it would be plausible you know yeah yeah if a complaint was in the like no one would complain in the area it would just be scary as fuck to hear it that close yeah for sure and i'm just bagging out of my driveway yeah yeah you're in like minor traffic you're going like 40 and you're like go the the other day so i the the horn on my truck is out yeah i know we wrote we were in heavy traffic

hey i'm fucking talking i learned this by someone was about to back up and hit me and i hit the horn and it made no noise and so my next reaction to communicate to this person was to speak and it completely like this volume and say hey whoa and then they didn't hit me but i was like that that was fucking stupid put your hand out the window or something yeah i that you also we were in the car with all my shit in the back of your truck and that guy started to come over and you hit the horn and it didn't go off and you're like well you're kind of like i uh wait i don't remember that you don't remember that no i i forgot i forgot the horn didn't work yeah no we were in the car on the way we were just bullshitting

about like your new york trip and that guy started to merge over and you were like you hit the horn and it didn't do anything and you're like well i i've done all i can do like we were in the car we were going like 85 all of my fucking big belongings my bed my dresser that guy starts getting over and you i'm not looking to make a scene yeah yeah you fucking go to slam with that motherfucker and you're nothing and you're like well all right like i mean if we go to die like there ain't nothing i can do to warn motherfucker like yeah we're we're anyway michael jackson innocent 2021 here's an interesting one so wade robson you said that michael jackson molested you when you were a kid

but los angeles county superior judge but Los Angeles County Superior Judge Mark A. Young granted the Jackson Estates request to dismiss his suit brought in by 2013 by Wade Robson why are you throwing dirt on this innocent man's name Wade

you dirty motherfucker he's been dead for four years and you're like oh that skeleton molested me It's time to get over it man Most people have been molested What? Nothing

So it says that you were molested when you were a boy Do you still consider yourself a boy Or are you a grown ass man now Who can handle his own shit a lot of people never speak up about that stuff they keep it they bury it deep and they get good at art or they get good at they get a lot of people have to you know they aren't even good at art oh yeah i like to do shit like this yeah about that yeah a lot of people get molested when they're kids they don't tell anybody. And then at 27...

They just erase four years of their memory. At 26, they start a podcast with a guy they don't know. So your attorney, Robson, his name is Vince Finaldi. His name is Vince Finaldi. So this guinea motherfucker says that the ruling has fatal flaws and will be appealed. Let's see. It says you're a choreographer now. And that you appeared in some Jackson music videos. And also recorded music on his label.

So do you consider yourself to be a traitor? Do you bite the hand that feeds you? Yeah. And does other stuff to you, probably. Do you bite the hand that fucks you as well? Are you going to bite the hand that fingers you? You beat me to it. You beat me to it.

I was trying to get it out, but I couldn't stop. You're going to suck the hand that feeds you. Are you going to bite the hand that fucking chokes you, dude? Are you going to bite the dick that feeds you? The judge, the court judge, like the appellate judge being like, young man, I'm seeing here that he gave you a record deal, that he put you on stage, that he put you up at his home, that he put you in his music videos. Are you going to bite the dick that fucks you?

Can you imagine what would have happened if Lil Wayne pulled this move? Yeah. Listen, Birdman. he took it like a man burn man turned that boy out like a fucking merry-go-round and you do you did you ever hear him say shit no do he was in a group called the hot boys can you imagine how bad that shit was can you imagine birdman used to just take his sunglasses off and put his whole head in Lil Wayne's ass like a dick. Yeah. That's why he kept it so shiny. Yeah, I know. He'd put a fucking big condom on his head.

He would put his head up in Lil Wayne's ass and Lil Wayne had to wear sunglasses, not because he was on lean, but because the light from the wax would shine through his eyes. That story, I remember going down a deep rabbit hole about that years back. It's been years. And I remember thinking, like, that has to be—because Lil Wayne has street cred, dude. Like, he's, you know, Holly Grove, like all that stuff, like legit, you know.

Yeah, he grew up where like everyone gets like murdered. Yeah, like a really like it was like the murder capital of the country for a while, like that part of Louisiana. And that is street cred. that is street cred but to get like pimped out to other a and r men by a by a guy who wears like oh is that like is that like more confirmed than um i mean there's a ton of rumors but like the one that i the one that i ascribed to the most that i had like when i was like reading you were like blind items you know then how the veracity of these who knows but like all of the like the hot boys and hot boys associated like click basically it was like a do you want to be a star type situation that's what i read about where it was like lil wayne actually had talent and was like a marketable guy and like fit the bill. And so,

but, but he was like clearly like super molested, supposedly, allegedly by Birdman and like, you know, other higher ups or whatever. It's kind of funny. Cause I was watching this documentary on the third ward,

you know? Yeah. I think it was third ward one, anyway, like Magnolia around there, whatever. And there was one guy in there who was like the king of like that area he'd been shot like like 13 times like he showed his his like torso and he'd been cut open and like sewed shut like four separate times like fucked up and he was like, I caught my first murder charge when I was 14,

beat that, but I caught another one when I was 15. Anyway, when I got out for that, me and Birdman, you know, I started rapping some. You know, I was with Cash Money for a little bit, but, you know, I just realized, you know, that whole lifestyle wasn't for me. So I came back here and I realized, I was like, what do you mean, you know? Yeah.

Like, being like a star compared to like, living somewhere where like, you can't even really have a dog because it's going to get like, fucking skinned. Yeah, you live like in Kandahar. Like, you live in a war zone. Also, it's crazy. That guy still lives there, and he's like 50.

I mean, it's probably safe to say, like, I mean, Drake is our generation's R. Kelly 100%. Like, it's probably safe to assume that, like, a lot. I mean, I assume that, like, a lot of big-name stars that just pop up and that are huge for like 10 years are just passed around like a fucking hot potato like there's just like I remember when the Millie Bobby Brown thing came out

the Drake Millie Bobby Brown thing and I was like I mean I I liked Views I like fucking Marvin's. I liked the shit, all right? My favorite rap shit is, I mean, my favorite Drake stuff is, like, back when he was, like, still pretty active with, like, Young Money or whatever.

Yeah, he was doing well. And felt a need to, like, claim that he, like, drank a lot of lean. Yeah. Which, like, he evidently, like, he didn't. Which is fine. fine like that's good but at the time it was like such a thing you know yeah yeah i it'd be like and he would wrap it away where it's like you're when somebody does a lot of lean like there's a specific like effect on the way you speak in trap house three era gucci yeah like yeah like future now doesn't

sound quite the same future 2016 because he used to be like oh it's all a balling like a march madness yeah yeah like like little baby for sure you can tell now he's like oh oh but drake would be like i'm so happy to be myself and i'm drinking a couple off the shelf and i got two two red cups and i love my drinks two red cups i love my bros two pints of lean drugs in my nose and she told me please slow slow down. Because I fuck so good. I put my fingers in her hair. And I love the way she kisses me. Lil Wayne would be like, I used it on. Ahsoka the pussy.

Call her Super Ahsoka. I jump in the pussy and I call it my own gun. And I'm going... He sounds like Muhammad Ali on Helium. He's like... I told myself don't let on it.

It's been on there. Nicki Minaj, I hate it. And then Drake's like, I'm with my two friends and we're having fun. And you know me because I carry a gun. EBD. I got activists and I'm acting up and I'm fucked up and I'm Drake Graham.

And we're smoking so much weed. And it's really so much fun I smoke weed uh the the line from uh which one is it

fucking problems no the line no it's it's recent it's from one of the singles um uh the one where

uh fucking big uh Big Freedia's on it or big is that her fucking name

uh Big Freedia sounds like just a lunch lady yeah yeah anyway uh i don't know what the fuck anyway he says high school picks you was even bad then and i remember hearing that that was like two years ago yeah i know it's super recent and i remember like i was in the club and i heard the song nice for what that's what that was for yeah yeah yeah yeah um and i and uh and i remember i was like i was really fucked up and i was like i hadn't thought of it in that context yet but i was high school pigs he was even bad then and i was like so like if you're rapping about what you know or whatever are you rapping about the time that you saw a girl that you thought was hot and so you scrolled back on her facebook photos for when

she was i don't know 15 16 and you were like yeah i'd fuck like is that what we're talking about here man because if so i just want to keep it a book and be like what the fuck are you talking about like that is like not cool i'm gonna read off part of his verse from fucking problems because that at the time was a banger and i just remember being like even at the time you know he was like, when Drake was on a song, like, I would listen to it. This was like, when I was in middle school, I was like, oh, fuck yeah, they got Drake on. And like, I hated his verse.

Let's see. So, just first off, his first line is, I know you love it when this beat is on. Anyway, getting down to it, it says, ain't a fucking sing-along unless you brought the weed along then just okay okay okay then just drop down and get yo eagle on or we can stare up at the stars and put the beatles on

it's like a song about having like fucking so many models so many strippers like every single night like fucking like nine ten women every day you're busting so much your dick is gonna fucking fall off soon you have like 15 committed relationships you're in all across the world that's what the song was made about this was made by asap rocky a man who fucks like objectively too much yeah he like should stop yeah he needs yeah he fucks like 15 women a day yeah that's not i'm a grown-ass man i if i fucked 15 times a day i'd have a heart attack yeah 15 times in a week sometimes it's i wasn't even putting that many.

I was not putting that numbers jacking off. In my prime, I wasn't putting up 15 times a day jacking off. Now, that's 15 women. Yeah, so I'm saying. Which, I mean, you can, you know, just take, you don't have to bust in all. Are you fucking, if you're fucking 15 times a day, are you laying dick down? Like, are you trying to dick good? Another thing that's weird, A$AP Rocky wears condoms.

If you're a sex addict and you wear condoms, you're a fucking pussy. What's the point of that? Why? Well, I saw a video of him fucking a couple years ago. I watched it. It was a clip. It's not gay if it's like eight seconds.

Anyway. So he's on a song that is about like sex addiction basically yeah and he's like well here's my contribution i really like it when a girl comes over and we lay a blanket down under the stars and i put on come together and then i get to i get to kiss her neck yeah and we smoke weed out of a joint yeah and i can't and i can't imagine anyone in the studio was like god damn fuck yeah that's that's the verse that goes on the record for sure that's a good one i mean that was the time and he still has that kind of star power but that was a time where if you got drake on a verse it was going to be a summer pool party hit. It didn't fucking matter. Like, it did not matter, like, like, what was going on.

It didn't fucking matter. Do you, unrelated, did you ever watch the Straight Outta Compton movie? No, that was the one that had Ice Cube Sun in it, right? Yeah. So, Me and him never got along. One of my favorite pieces of lore

that's relatively recent is, everyone knows that suge knight is like a legit like of all those guys in that era that like didn't die and like talked a big game suge knight was openly would tell you straight to your face that he was not to be fucked with not he'd just kill you he was the one that on that talk show i forget which one it was just straight cocked to stabbing easy e with an aid syringe or having him stabbed or getting it getting him clipped now that's a conspiracy theory that maybe he bought into for the clout at the time like like that was the thing that like because easy e was like he obviously fucked a lot and and

probably that's not true but he was on like aazy-E was like, he obviously fucked a lot, and probably that's not true. But he was on, like, a talk show and was like, yeah, Eazy-E is acting out of line, so, you know, things you heard, you don't fuck around with Suge. People know, like, and he was talking about, like, this theory that Suge had had him whacked with a fucking AIDS needle, like, at a recording studio once i'm over some money anyway i don't know if you know this but at the premiere of straight out of compton suge knight shows up in a fucking like land yacht like a slab and just like runs over a bunch of people yeah didn't he like kill a guy he killed like he killed one guy and the other guy's like paralyzed for the rest of his life he's like back in like he's gonna die in prison he was out he's gone to prison a whole bunch he was out he had a fucking movie deal uh they like paid him handsomely from my understanding for his likeness um for like the

stuff that he was still getting royalties in perpetuity from like all that shit he by all means he got he got a fucking free check and then but he didn't like the way that he was portrayed in the movie as a cocksucker so to remedy that i guess he fucking took like i forget it was like a big fucking big body motherfucker and just and just threw the velvet ropes like go go go go like fucking clit like a bunch of fucking people killed a guy and went to jail and uh to me that is like not cool but also like double that's cool to me it's hollywood i don't give a fuck about yeah i guess you're right yeah the did you ever hear the story about him and vanilla ice no um vanilla Ice claims this was not true because why would he admit to this

but apparently like this was whenever like Ice Ice Baby or whatever just taken off or whatever and so I mean obviously he's got meetings with a lot of like record dudes or whatever and he had one with Suge Knight

at his at Suge's mansion or whatever I'm not sure where it was I think it Knight at Suge's mansion or whatever. I'm not sure where it was. I think it was at Suge's place or whatever. And Suge Knight didn't really like Vanilla Ice upon meeting him or whatever. He just didn't like his vibe. Right. And I think Ice said something that was disrespectful or whatever. Right.

And Suge Knight dangled him off the edge of a balcony. Yeah, okay, I have heard this story. Yeah. I have heard that, yeah. I mean, he's a big motherfucker. Vanilla Ice is the size of an average skater dad or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very plausible that he could just pick you up

and just dangle you off the balcony. He's also one of the only people where I could like look at him and then hear like a story where he dangled someone off a balcony and be like yeah he probably did that for sure I don't think it was like a mob thing like a movie where he's holding he probably

like tipped him over and held his legs down and was like you know but that's dangled off a balcony you know if I'm close to a balcony and you push me you were hanging me by my ankles yeah um yeah any type of balcony dominance is really as a man you're stripped of any right to talk shit ever that's funny to me because like if you can dangle me off a balcony like by my ankles you can take my spot on the pod yeah you can be the because i that's if i don't kill you after because i have to reclaim my honor i don't want to kill anybody but that's one of the only situations where i think i would have to

either kill myself or dangle you off that balcony yeah a bigger balcony a higher yeah one story up maybe yeah yeah It's the same building. It's just an apartment complex. Yeah, just an apartment above. Yeah, yeah. Well, if you're fucking listening to this and you thought it was worth a fuck, you should go to patreon.com slash pandeo time.

Give us a sub. Give us some love. I won't say that every day. Give us a hug. Give us a hug. Give us some nugs. Give us weed. Don't give them to me. Give us a hug. Give us a hug. Give us some nugs of weed.

Don't give them to me. He's not allowed by the state. Got anger management issues. Makes me kill people. Don't give me weed because it gives me panic attacks. Because Jake will freak out. Freak the fuck out. Honestly, I haven't smoked in like two years, and I still know for a fact

that if i did again smoke which i will not i'm not going to for this period the way that i used smoke was like so bad compared yeah yeah no i still feel like i would freak out less than you not even like talking shit i just from what i've understood no it's fucking nightmare dude i miss here's the thing i actually fucking miss like i i explained this to my friends who are daily smokers and they're like you're out of your fucking mind retarded i miss dirty seedy fucking swag from like 2011 2000 i know you were super young i don't know if you probably were smoking weed but like no i was 11 yeah um i fucking i miss that kind of mids mids are the best mids are the fucking but and i don't need some shit with crystals on it what no dude fuck no i'm like dude sell me if you can go back in time and get me a fucking a zip of that shit I would smoke

but like even my friends were like oh bro the terpenes and the profiles soup bro this is a hybrid you get the benefits from both of them oh shit bro I'm so much more productive on this bro I can like do this and sit on the porch and text my ex girlfriend

I can I can do this and walk back and forth at ex-girlfriend for an hour. I can do this and walk back and forth at 7-Eleven and have a panic attack. Super easy for me to do stuff like that. If you like this shit... Oh, yeah. If you like this bullshit,

go pay us $5. Go give us five smackers. You can give us $1,000 if you want. You don't have to, but we'll accept it. We'll accept it. We're doing the first Honcho tier episode on the 14th. Honcho. Honcho.

And so for you guys that have kindly subbed to that before the first paid one's out, respect. Thank you, big dogs. Pandejo Boys signing out. Goodbye.