Pendejo Time - mesothelioma

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

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I'm going to play a song. La la la la la. La la la li li la. La la la li li la. You are so beautiful. You are so beautiful. Lalalalala Lalalalala Lalalalala You are so beautiful You are so beautiful We're in high school

We're in high school And you're my girlfriend And you're my girlfriend We're wearing T-shirts We're wearing T-shirts We're wearing T-shirts We go to the movies We go to the movies We're wearing t-shirts We go to the movies

And we watched Minecraft together and when he says chicken jockey I give you a big kiss We're kissing to Chicken Jockey We're kissing to Chicken Jockey We're kissing to Chicken Jockey Mwah mwah mwah mwah That's the sound of us kissing the chicken.

When you see Minecraft Steve, get your popcorn and you kiss my cheek. And I drop you off at your parents' house, but not before. Give me the kissing song, kissing Jocky. I never knew I could feel like this before. I never knew I could. I never thought I'd meet a girl who would, with me. But here we are. We're kissing. We're kissing each other, jockey. We're kissing. The liquor and the kisser. The liquor and the sucker.

Kissing in the movie. We're like two coaches who are married and we kiss at the baseball game. While the players play the game But the game is a movie Sitting in my car and we're watching Chicken Jockey I like to eat snacks, they're called Pocky They're little Chinese sticks of sugary bread chocolate Mmm, Chicken Jockey Little Chinese sticks of sugary bread chocolate.

Chicken jockey. Kissing the candy. Kissing the candy. Pocky is my kissing candy. Do we have an ad read? Today is the free episode So we don't have an ad read I think we do because it's the premium, that's what I mean This is free, we just did the premium two days ago

I thought it was Tuesday No it's not. So yes, we do. Probably have an Ed Reed. Let me see if I can find it. Yes, we do. But you while you look for that. I'll think of food. Yeah.

Well, how do you feel about mole? Just your two cents. That's such a chicken. The chicken, the tomato thing, right? It's like very tomato-y chicken, right? No, mole is like a sauce. Yeah, so on it's like describing it as chocolate chicken makes it sound gross. But mole is actually it is.

It's like the enchilada sauce, right? It's like kind of dark red. Yeah, but it's sweet like chocolate, it's like a chocolate chicken basically But I don't like to describe it that way because it doesn't sound yeah, I got chocolate chicken for you right here that Been choking yeah Joking my chocolate chicken. Yeah Let me think yeah, I've tried that in an enchilada context. Yeah, pretty fucking taste weird You didn't like it. it no it's so stupid yeah like oh yeah let me have a sandwich I'll spread out

I don't know but I don't think mole was like my favorite it wasn't bad it was not my favorite mmm but also I bad. It was just not my favorite But also I think the Mexican restaurant I was eating at when I tried it was not that good Because I got like I wanted to try chili rellano Yeah, and my shit was all tough Yeah, that's never no good. You can't so I I don't think it was the best context for it Yeah, my shit was all tough. I was crunching into it, and it was hard to rip off of my tooth. Using my tooth to rip it off to crunch it and rip it rough.

My least favorite type of meat is probably tough meat. I don't like tough meat. I like rancid meat. You like rancid meat? You like it when it's got green lines coming off? I like it when it has green lines and maggots. Flies? Buz buzzing around it yeah yeah it gets like a kind of gamey hmm do you have any rancid meat on the menu or maybe perhaps a piece of tough meat I

have a putrid glass of disgusting milk and then a piece of rancid and tough meat thank you I don't see like it when you're around like tough guys and they're like yeah I like like elk meat. It's actually probably maybe my favorite meat. I'm like, oh, yeah? I like elk, but I feel like I don't have it enough to have like a, like, dude, I don't know if you were joking, but I've had people tell me that in front of friends.

And I know they haven't had elk meat in like 10 years, because they're a good friend of mine, and we live in the city, and we don't have any friends that hunt anymore of friends. And I know they haven't had elk meat in like 10 years. Because they're a good friend of mine, and we live in the city, and we don't have any friends that hunt anymore, really. Like, dude, yeah, elk, like elk's like crazy good for like nutrition. Like a couple of my friends from the gym will say shit like that. And I'm like, I know you don't eat elk.

I know that you smoke weed and eat the taquitos. But I guess the, quote unquote, the hoes are in the vicinity. So you're saying that you eat elk or no, I think I've ever eaten elk. Not like, like I've had deer. If you you've had like white tail deer. Yeah, yeah, I have. Yeah, I've had Venice.

I've had venison, but I don't think I've had. But also all the context in which I've had venison, I wasn't going out of my way to have it. It was just, you know, it it it was always chilly people was like you know you can't tell this chili is deer meat can you I'm like I can because it's not as good as regular chili which is fine like it's still pretty good hard to mess up chili it's like oh it's like you but you can't tell that this this dish designed to hide shitty meat was still pretty good, right? Yeah, it's still pretty good. It's not great. I mean

I'm not complaining here that venison is a general term for deer meat including elk I feel like I've had elk actual elk and it's good But I've had also just like a deer that my uncle shot had a venison burger and that was actually good And I actually didn't realize I don't didn't really fully realize there's a venison after I had it but they always try and do is like but you didn't know you just ate venison I'm like I don't care I didn't even I didn't even stop to taste the food yeah you got me I don't give a shit about anything in my life how about that it's It's almost always for me, like around like 4th of July

or Memorial Day when I have it. And you're right, like I'm fucking eight beers deep and it's 2 PM. And I'm like, yeah, I just breathe this in. I didn't stop to think, oh, can you taste it? This is fresh elk. I'm like, you could have told me this was fucking horse meat. I would not have fucking known the difference.

It doesn't fucking, I don't give a fuck. But mostly just like, I think I want to start eating nutritional pellets. Like you were in high school, I dated this girl and her family would always always be, yeah so this will put your hair on, you know this is actually, this is actually deer meat. So yeah this is uh this is actually deer meat. So yeah, this is actually deer meat that we hunted. So I'm like, oh, whoa, I'm going to cry. Oh, I'm such a pussy. Oh, I can't even handle real deer meat.

This is crazy. How do you guys do it? No, it's just meat. It doesn't fucking work. Were they trying to get you to be like, own you? I think they thought I was a big pussy or something. I don't know. I kind of what?

I just ate candy and vaped all day I wasn't I keep forgetting about that that you just mostly ate candy for like 15 years I mean it wasn't so I wouldn't really say that I was Sort of a gross probably smelled weird. I smell like eggs or something, you know at the time I won't claim that I was any sort of tough guy or really should have even been dating their daughter. My car was really full of trash, like a lot. Like, like, I couldn't sit in the back seat. Whenever you had the Yaris or the whatever the fuck it was.

Matrix. Oh yeah. Matrix. Yeah. When you brought it to San Marcos one time, there was just like pieces of lumber and like a pile of mulch That was by then I'd cleaned up my act by then. I was like lumber is okay lumber, but here's the thing about lumber It does you do have a lot of ants at a certain point Yeah, because whenever the car broke down I came to get my stuff out of it that the car was suddenly infested with ants Yeah, and I was like well even if I had gotten a fix, you know. You would have had to get rid of the bugs.

Right, right. And also, there was old Tupperware in there, because I brought food and then just left it, because I thought I was going to go back to the car the next morning. And then I would just throw away that food. But no, instead it was it was baking for like a week. So I food.

That's good. Yeah. So it was just yeah, it was horrible. Smelled horrible in there. So I just took the gas cap and a few fuses out and I just left my high school yearbook and a bunch of other stuff in there. I said, all right, see you guys. I drove back. Some redneck probably LS swapped that motherfucker or they just shot a bunch of guns at it. I think they just took the catalytic converter out of it and then rolled it into a creek probably.

Yeah, probably. I mean, I don't know. Maybe they did something cool. They did not. They 100% did not. They took the precious metals out of it. Rolled it into the river. I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about you, teenager, dating a good old boy's daughter. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to feed you your little boyfriend something he never had before.

I'm going to see what he thinks about this and then like right before that you just ate like a thousand calories or the starburst It skittles you're just sitting there in the living room And he's just got this elk steak and like mashed potatoes, and he's like yeah Look at this fucking long hair Hawaiian shirt homosexual We probably never had meat like this and you just have like so much sugar in your body that your lips are blue Like you're like actively going into a diabetic coma. Yeah, I used to have a persistent problem that I had was from eating too many Sour Patch Kids,

and my whole tongue would be fried for days at a time. Like burnt from the citric acid that they had to make it sour. I would take the 1.7 per 1.7 or 2.7 pound bag let's see 2.7 pounds of fucking candy let me see well it's the one at five below let me see sour patch kids big bag the sour patch big bag yes Sour Patch Big Bag. Yeah, it's the, I know, uh, 1.7 pound family-sized bag Sour Patch Kid. Yeah, take down half of that before work, half of it after work, and that is how you sell the most credit cards at TJ Maxx. Out of anybody. They weren't fucking with me at all.

That's awesome. Every immigrant mom who walked in that place, I had her. They called it sharking. That's where you would basically cold call. We would just follow customers around until they sign up for a credit card. Until one time we did that to a black lady and she thought that we were racially targeting her. When really we were just following orders and way behind on credit cards. Well, so you, did she think you were racially targeting her to get her credit card or the sheeps? Because all the, everybody was trying to get another credit card in the system so that

we could like go home. Yeah. And so, she, just every employee she passed was talking to her about it. Oh, gosh. And we were communicating with each other about that. So she just happened to have like six people come up to her in like 15 minutes She like came up like crying to the front and was like I don't know what's happening, but everybody Everybody keeps me talking to me

So yeah, they used to not let us close the store until we hit like credit card minimums We would yeah like the employees would sign up so we could go home. Yeah, we did the same thing. So I worked at Joe's Crab Shack, talked about a little bit on here, and it's owned by Landry's, which is like a big restaurant chain in like the Galveston Bay area. And they have something called the Landry's card. And you had to sell one Landry's card a week. And at the end of the week, if you didn't sell a Landry's card. And you had to sell one Landry's card a week.

And at the end of the week, if you didn't sell a Landry's card, they would demote you, so they would give you worse sections and worse shifts. But there would be some nights where we were supposed to be closed at 11, and we would keep the restaurant open till midnight. And the manager would be like, you've got to get your Landry's card, or whatever.

He also is the same guy that would make, if you worked at Joe's and somebody ordered the, what was it called, the crazy Cajun, it was like the crazy Cajun crawdad platter or something. It was like two pounds of crawfish, an Alaskan king crab claw, and like a snow crab body. And then with like a bunch of sausages and a bunch of potatoes. If somebody ordered the crazy Cajun crawdad platter, you had to put the bib on them,

or they would write you up, sometimes would send you home. They were very serious about this. And I don't know if you could kind of guess this, but if somebody's ordering the crazy Cajun crawdad platter, usually they're fat as fuck, and usually they're a guy. And they don't want another man that looks like me, kind of wayfish, especially at 18, to put a bib on them. So it was always a guy in one of those Facebook-generated shirts that's like, my name's Norman. I'm from Arkansas. I don't play no shit,

I drink beer and I get mad and I love my sons. It'd be in a shirt, 4XL of that, hands a little yellow, probably from John this, and he'd be like, can I get the crazy crawdad gaging platter? And I would say, absolutely. Would you like crackers with that? And he would say, absolutely. Would you like crackers with that? And he would say, yeah. And then I would take his family's order,

and then I would come back. And then I would hold the bib, and I would kind of just stand on the outside of the table. And I would kind of awkwardly hover there, and I would say, excuse me, sir. And he would go, hm. And I said, part of my job is I'm contractually obligated to put this bib on you.

And if I don't, I'm going to get in trouble. And he would say, don't put that fucking bib on me. And I would say, OK. And then I would go back and I have to tell my manager. She says, excuse me, the table 112, yeah, the table over there by the water, that man ordered the crazy crawfish, Cajun platter, right? And I would say, yeah.

And my manager would go, she would go, well, he doesn't have his bib on. So I was just wondering why we're not following standards at Joe's Crab Shack. To which I replied, that's a big son of a bitch. And I don't think he wants me to put a bib on him that has a crawdad with a chef's head on it and a huge, distended belly, which was the crazy crawdad with a chef's head on it and a huge distended belly, which

was the crazy crawdad platter's logo, which was a big crawfish, I guess, filled to bursting with his own brethren and a hat. And a pregnant crawfish. Because you fucked it so much. Yeah, you fucked the shit out of it, Jiggly's style. And pregnant with your Siemens. And there was a couple times where I was like, man, I really got to, I think I have to put this bib on you.

And the guy would be like, don't even, don't. And they'd laugh. And I would be like, and I would go back and I would say to the manager lady, I'd say, he doesn't want me to put it on him. And they'd be like, well, you're not supposed to ask. It's supposed to be fun. This is Joe's Crab Shack.

It's fun here. We sing and we dance. So what's the fun if you ask? And I'm like, I'm not going to put a bib on a grown man, dude. He doesn't want me to do it. And they were like, well, you ruin it by asking. I don't like it when I have a manager. I'm going to say something maybe that's maybe a little bad.

I don't like it when my manager at a restaurant is a mean lady. I kind of get why all the, this is the male loneliness epidemic, my teachers are mean to me at school. I think all that shit's stupid. But if you work at a Joe's Crab Shack and you have kind of a stumpy, fried, platinum blonde hair lady with a lot of seaside, I'll call them,

tattoos, like a seahorse and like a mermaid style stuff. And she's like, you need to put that bib on him. I don't want her to have a job. I want her to be in a zoo. You know what I mean? Like I don't want her to tell me what to do. I don't want her to have like a house or anything. I want her to be punished.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, TJ Maxx credit cards and Landry's cards. If I don't want to have any incentives to do my job, you hired me, you made the mistake, you know what I mean? Like you fucked up. Just let me get my money and let me go. Yeah. This is your fault.

Man, it's crazy like, you know what I'd forgotten is how competitive restaurant jobs are. Whenever I first moved here. Yeah. And it's funny because every restaurant job I've ever had, which was mostly fast food, but every job I've had in food service was just a friend worked there. He got me the job, which is pretty standard, I feel like. But I interviewed for a position and I had no

I didn't know anybody there and I kind of forgot that I'd like lied about being a server everything yeah like I was a food runner I was not a server but I did serve people food so I put server and they were asking me about the menu and I was like I don't know it was like salads and steaks and stuff like sandwiches they were like they were like what would you typically recommend whenever a customer would come into this place and I'll be like you typically they would start with a salad such as a house salad or perhaps a Caesar and perhaps a cocktail such as a margarita or a nice wine a soup and

And then they were like what were some wines that you would recommend it I was like Honestly, I would have to take a look at the wine list because I they probably have a different wine list now than they did at the wine list because they probably have a different wine list now than they did at the time but I do remember there being some very nice wines on that list. You know a lot of deep reds. What about the entrees? I was like it was primarily a steakhouse so the steaks were, you know, there was a, there was a sirloin that I was particularly fond of. I think it was, you know, it was, um, and I might've like, I think I might've accidentally said like 42 ounces or something. Like I might've just completely fucked up. Like I think I said like a size of steak that doesn't exist except for like Except for like man versus food challenges. Yeah, I usually recommend the 68. I don't stick I think

68 ounce big boy Yeah, the fat boy challenge. I love to recommend that yeah, dude Just you like so the the manager that's hiring you like in their mental notes is like So he started them off with a house salad and a margarita and then he recommended Dude, just you being like, so the manager that's hiring you, like, in their mental notes is like, so he started them off with a house salad and a margarita. And then he recommended the 64-ounce ribeye with a glass of deep red wine. What?

Yeah, no wonder you probably didn't tell them. Yeah. And oh, and it was like,, we offered an amazing crab, mac, and cheese that was served in a skillet, actually. It was served in a hot skillet that came out steaming hot. And that was one thing I would recommend to people. And as the interview went, I realized that I, in some ways, had overshot in terms of what I thought a fancy restaurant was.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. The more I described every single dish and aspect of this place, it was clear that the nicest restaurant in Weatherford, Texas did not mean it was like a Michelin star type place. Yeah. Being like we actually made creme brulee in-house. It's like burnt custard. Yeah. We actually made our own salads and had farm, we had farm fresh beef steaks. Fresh beaver. We had farm fresh delicious beaver steaks. I would usually recommend like the ten fresh beaver we had farm fresh delicious beaver steaks

i would usually recommend like the 10 pound beaver burger cut a beaver in half and they get the tail end or the head end and it's on a bun my favorite thing to recommend was the um two gallon everclear cocktail and the 10 and 1 half pound beaver burger, which was just the bottom half of the beaver with a tail sauteed in a nice orange glaze and then dipped in deep fried and Gouda cheese. Everybody really loved it. The house made mozzarella sticks were a big hit as well as the chop the

Chop chop salad chopped chocked tall the chops chucked tall salad the chopped chalk tall Yes salad. Yeah. Yeah, which came with a tomahawk to chop this out with They gave you just a big piece of iceberg lettuce and an old tomahawk ax. And you got to eat that with the beaver burger.

I recommended the Coca-Cola, which was served with perfectly square ice cubes. My favorite out there, like avant-garde dish to advise was the American cheeseburger with a perfect glass of Coca-Cola over ice. People really went crazy for that one. It's kind of out there, but it's just my favorite dish. So I had a job interview,, I guess like two weeks ago. And I was a little bit rusty.

It had been like probably six months since I'd had a job interview. And the standard question is like, oh, can you talk about a time where you've had like a conflict in the workplace and what you did to resolve it? And the time of the last job interview I had, I'd really thought about this and gotten a really solid answer and just killed it. And this time I was clearly lying. Like I said, I did something, I was, I went into

Tukaki and I just basically was like visibly lying. I was like, oh, you know, honestly, I can't think of anything that ever involved me. You know, I know that workplace drama does happen, but I always work to, you know, I've always been a big peacemaker, you know? And I've always been a big, I really, whenever I train people, I really bring them together. And what I will often see is that whenever I step into a situation, the confrontation becomes a lot less confrontational and it actually quickly resolves.

I ended up giving like a four or five minute long answer to that question, the whole time I was just visibly just continuing to talk because I was lying. I was just- You're making stuff up on the spot. Like- Completely not true. Every job I've ever had, for the most part,

Yeah. Like there's been something. I get into a fight with somebody. I get into an argument. My last job I simply asked a co-worker if he was mentally disabled. Yeah. And then because of a simple wanting to know something, he and his brother wanted to fight me for a while. Also one time a guy shot rocks through a wood chipper into my back. That was, you know, that was a different thing. But anyway, I don't it... I forgot the proper answer to that question, which I think is something along the lines of maybe you just have an invented scenario where somebody else did something

wrong and you didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, you've got to say something like how you. Which does happen. I'm honestly a good coworker. But shit just does happen at jobs, you know what I mean? Yeah. I remember I was just talking about this with my buddy. One of my roommates for like five or six years,

I would do this thing, man, where like I would apply to jobs that I was like super under qualified for. And I would get, I would apply to like creative director at like one of the biggest advertising firms. And I would get I would apply like creative director at like one of the biggest advertising firms and I would get like an interview and I would go buy like a bunch of drug like bunch of coke and pills and alcohol and I would just start partying as if I had the job yeah I would be like yeah dude things are gonna start looking up for me I don't have any money right now but you're gonna like you're looking at the new creative director at GSD now.

And my roommate would be like, Jake, this happens every time. You somehow get these interviews. You get to the third round. They meet you. They find out that you're completely full of shit and you don't know what you're doing. And then they never call you back. And you get suicidal.

And we have to talk you off the ledge. And I'm like, not this time, pal. I know that's happened eight or nine times in the last three months But you guys are gonna be laughing all the way to the bank when I'm making fifty five thousand dollars a year as a copywriter And they would be like okay It was true though, dude it was so like I would like get through like the first round the second round the third round and I would get to the

in-person interview and I was just you know, I was a wreck so I would show up I would change smoke in my car like nervously and I would just do a bunch of key bumps, because I thought it made me more, like, confident, you know what I mean? I would just get super yacked up. It would be, like, mid-February, kind of cold, and I would just be, like, sweating in the office.

Like, yeah, so, like, in terms of, like, a gr- In terms of, like, in terms of, like, you know, like, oh, conflict, right? So, like, the first thing you want to do, the first thing you want to do, like, the number one thing you want to do, like, the first thing you want to do is you want to figure out, like, what the other thing you want to do, the first thing you want to do is you want to figure out what the other person is actually trying to say.

Because there's so much miscommunication in the fucking world, man. The one thing you really got to focus on is what is the person actually trying to say? You know what I mean? Because so many people think that they know, but they really don't know. And then they'll go, oh, OK.

And can you think of what are some of your shortcomings? Oh, dude, the thing about shortcomings, the thing about problems, the thing about having things that you're not good at, stuff that you just could work on, is you always just got to be working on it. You know what I mean? You can never settle for anything. You should always try to be perfect.

But you can't. There's no such thing as perfect, right? So you're always just working on it. You know, you're working on it. And they would be like, oh, we'll call you. We're going to call you for sure. Yeah, they didn't want me in their office anymore. Because after like half an hour of talking with somebody

like that, you realize that you need to get them out of the office as soon as possible. The guy's going to start crying. Which every now and then was a lot of work. You need to get them out of the office as soon as possible. The guy's going to start crying. Every now and then. Not usually an ideal situation. Oh, yeah, it's not usually great. But sometimes in life, if you don't want to get a job,

you can bet as much money as you have in your bank account. And sometimes you don't want to go anywhere, right? Sometimes you want to do a little, you want to do a little bit of gambling from the comfort of your own home. And now you fucking can't. You can't buy a ticket to Vegas every weekend. So why not just have Vegas, that's right,

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only with my book my bookie why are you. Three, two, one. Only with my bookie. Why are you pausing? I want... Okay. I don't actually know if we're supposed to do that. But that's fine. Code P-E-N-D-E-J-O at my bookie. Deposit bonus. Okay. Back to the regularly scheduled programming. Dude, it's awesome to not get a job and go to a lot of job interviews, and then go through two rounds of them, and then just not have the job.

Imagine being in a given job interviews at the zoo. So what would you say is one time that a crocodile was chasing you, and you swam away, but you realized that you had crocodile food spilling out of your pocket in a perfectly straight line that the crocodile was following up to your butt. And the crocodile attempted to take a bite out of your butt to get to the food, causing a giant hole, giant gash on your butt. You turn around, slapping the alligator on the head, the crocodile on the head, climbing up the ladder quickly to escape.

What is one situation like that that you've been in exactly? Well, I can't speak to having ever been chased by a crocodile with a crocodile food trail behind me, and he grabs my little butt and makes a big hole in it, and then I have to crawl up the ladder. But I have definitely cat sat a couple times and I have did I did have a lizard when I was a little boy. Wow a lizard. Now would you consider that to be as awesome as a crocodile? In terms of sheer awesomeness and epicness I

would say while a lizard is smaller it does have a lot of the same excitement and energy as a crocodile and the same scales and green color. That's perfect. OK, next question. Being in a zoo is hard, with often up to thousands of animals being crammed into tiny enclosures. What can you do to help these animals be louder? Oh, that's a great question.

One of my favorite things about animals is their sounds and the volumes of them. I think one thing I can do to make the monkeys louder is that I can shake the bars of their cage and put blindfolds on them. And I can maybe feed them less than their caloric requirements, and this will make them more feral and more ferocious. In terms of the lions, a lion's roar and I can maybe feed them less than their caloric requirements and that this will make them more feral and more ferocious. In terms of the lions, a

lion's roar is one of the most sounds of all time and a way that you get a lion to roar is that you pull on his tail two times and then you squeeze his little butt and he gives a loud roar. But if you squeeze three times and pull twice he does the loudest roar a lion can do. Wow. When it comes to ice cream in the zoo, children often bring their cones. What is one thing you can do to prevent the lemur

from licking the cones, often being a strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, or green pizzeria or lime or green coconut flavor? That is a classic. The lemur is licking the ice cream. Answer faster. This is a classic zoo question. I would deploy what's called the lemur tricker trap. It looks like a green cone, but really it's

a sleepy chemical agent that makes the lemur take an immediate one minute nap allowing the child to escape. I love that idea. Write that down. Okay. No. That was a note to myself. I love ideas and I write them down. Okay. Here's an idea I had. A special enclosure that only has water. What do you think? I think that's great because that would be a great place to keep fish and other marine and aquatic animals like frogs, toads, and perhaps even a newt. This will not be used for that. This will only be used for water so people can come to the zoo and observe water

being itself being natural without being disturbed by animals or Crickets or anything that makes a ripple? Okay, except wind which would cause a ripple Okay Would you like to visit the water exhibit? Completely still water except for wind. I don't know if I would find that particularly exciting but I can say that I would be great at attending to the water ensuring that it has lots of ripples and the wind is blowing over it

at appropriate speeds. As an employee of the zoo, would you be willing to decrease the size of other enclosures in order to create space for my water enclosure? 100%. I believe that animals only deserve smaller spaces. And the bigger the space, the louder the animal. And that's the last thing we want, is a loud zoo.

I believe it's the first thing we want, is a loud zoo. When they hear the animals screaming, they will come. Often an animal's cry for help can be a great way to attract zoo... Customers. Zoo lovers. Zooers. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't think I'll ever say that again. That sounds like an old New York lobster slur.

Well, I meant like zoo goers, and I went to Shordinate. Folks, I did not like that one. And we're going to move on. If you could be one animal at the zoo and still survive, what would it be? I would love to be a peacock because they're beautiful and green. And I've only ever always wanted to be beautiful and green.

Instead, I'm ugly and white. Becoming a peacock will cause you to become beautiful and blue and green. Are you OK with the idea of being blue and green and a little bit of the other color known as pink? Yes, yes I am. In fact that's such a great question because people often think that there's only two colors that are beautiful blue and green but they often overlook the other beautiful color, which is pink.

Oh, man. I just remembered that before I left Texas at one point, I applied to work at the Fort Worth Zoo. Yeah, yeah. I've been to that. And they had a function where you could ask, you could say what you wanted to be paid. And the position was like Suggested pay 13 to 14 dollars an hour

And I applied for had no experience. I put requested pay $25 per hour nice Like leader of the zoo like this is just to feed the animals Yeah, dude at that one. They had a fucking sloth, like, just on a tree outside of the, um, like an enclosure, and they had a zoo lady next to it to make sure nobody took pictures or touched it. You could just only look at it. Um, and I didn't, I thought she was just there.

I didn't know that she, like, was, um, keeping the sloth, like, being next to it to ensure there were no funny hijinks. Um, and you know, I was young, I was 24 years old, so I wanted to touch it, and I reached my hand out to touch the sloth. And the lady immediately yelled at me and said, please do not touch the sloth. And I was like...

Sorry. And then I saw her name tag. I just thought she was... I was gonna hit her with, I don't think you can Tell me what to do and I want to touch this animal And then she was dressed like she could tell me what to do definitely could have probably gotten me in a lot of trouble So I didn't yes, you could have become the next animal at the zoo. Yeah, come see him Jake the wild Texan

He does he does people I never seen the Houstonian up close like this before. I've got like a fucking Texans jersey on and like a fade with the Astro Star in the back of my head. Oh man, this is just embarrassing seeing a Houstonian up this close. He doesn't even have skin cancer He's got other types he doesn't even have mesothelioma From eating this best me so Tilly

touchy Tilly you know me so Tilly Oh me so Tilly oh my oh me so Tilly oh You know? Misotili... Misotilioma. Oh, Misotilioma. Oh, Misotilioma. Oh. Oh, Misotilioma. Some guy in his deathbed listening to this going, Stop it.

Stop it now. You're reminding me of my death. That's happening. Machine pumping his blood. Fuck, I hate having mesothelioma. This is racist against people with cancer. Mesothelioma is not a cancer, is it? Yeah, it is.

I thought it was like when you had kind of weird glass fibers in your lung or something. I don't think it's an awesome situation. It is. Well I've got a brain cancer. Well I've got two months to live. Well I've got two months to live I've got brain cancer And it's not looking good for my family

Mesothelioma is a rare and aggressive cancer that develops in the lining of the lungs, abdomen, heart, or testicles that develops in the lining of the lungs, abdomen, heart, or testicles. It's almost always caused by exposure to asbestos. Symptoms can include chest pain, shortness of breath, and weight loss. Treatment options include surgery, chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and radiation therapy. Therapy, mesothelioma, Oklahoma. Some doctor with a diploma said I got mesothelioma, but I still gotta make it home to my barn.

Drive a Toyota Tacoma, Dynamesitheliuma, Oklahoma. That's where I'm from. He said that I got cancer in my boner. To pay for my medicine, I need a loaner. The bank won't leave me a loaner. I just want to watch Margin Homer. But I got mesothelioma. Mesothelioma. Mesothelioma. Asbestos.

I have asbestos in my house. I think I am going to die. Asbestos! I have asbestos in my house! I think I am breathing any asbestos. It's like a fiber! When you got a rare type of cancer Sometimes you ask God, well, what's the answer? God stares back at you and says, boy, I got something to tell you. You've got aggressive type of cancer, mesothelioma. Yep. That's God speaking. Let him hear God.

Sweet home mesothelioma. Sweet home mesothelioma. Where the skies are so grey. Where my eyes are so yellow. Mesothelioma. Where my eyes are so great we not die cuz I'm dead when I die and I'm dead in a hearse I'm gonna go to the place that's the worst anyway a lot of motherfuckers don't like... Mamas don't let your babies eat chunks of asbestos.

Mamas don't let your babies work in insulation. Do you think that like I have that in my building? Probably. It's like a hundred year old building. Well, the main thing is whenever it's ripped out is when it's really bad. When it's just sitting there, it's not quite hundred year old building. Well the main thing is whenever it's uh Ripped out is when it's really bad. We're just sitting there. It's not quite so bad Okay, like it's the particles that are bad, you know So if you're a building gets torn down they'll have to like you know block off stuff But I mean, I'm pretty sure I work in a lot of building with lead paint the way that it chips

Yeah, but I Hear that tastes good and that's like one of the reasons it is a candy actually yeah they're like completely gone mom I mean what do I fucking let your babies grow up to eat lead chips they're yummy and salty and tasting so rough time to dip them in salsa and stuff. But dad, they taste so good, dad. A lead chips. Rock me, mama, like a wagon wheel.

Lead tastes good and it makes me real. Ooh, I'm Iraqi I eat led chips and I bring you pain use a big rock and break your wind of pain eating lead pain I'm a rockie. Eating lead paint. I'm a rockie. Rock is a country and it's next to Iran. Iraq is a place near Afghanistan. Ooh, I'm a rockie.

Ooh, chicken jockey. Chicken jockey. What is that? Did you ever play Minecraft? I don't know what that is. I didn't play it for long enough to get the That update I have no idea what that is Sound off in the comments Chicken jockey and jockey chicken jockey with minecraft steve chicken jockey in your way, please with Minecraft Steve, chicken jack in your way, please. Ooh, chicken jackie. Jack Black on the big movie scream, Jack Black.

And he likes to do a scream. Eh, chicken jackie. He will die soon. Almost said Jack Black with a letter at the end that rhymed with E. And I don't know E and we worked on that you know his name is Thomas black I didn't I knew that his name actually wasn't Jack black well his middle name is Jack okay his name is Thomas Jack you

know black is a Jewish name makes sense on account of I forget why but yeah it's the mix and the on account of a forget why the Jewish name maybe was a like BLA CH or something is like a lot maybe I don't know who gives a fuck who gives a shit

well it's actually a Jewish name because the original Jews were black that is a 100 percent true right do you get do you have like you guys got the real crazy fucking hotep dudes up in New York oh yeah I actually passed by a store today that's specifically for the black is really outfits yeah some of those motherfuckers dress like killmonger and shit they look like they have like like there's an Instagram account. I follow they they wear like They'll just like Thanos dude. They have like purple armor, and it'll be like Yeah, I think most of them don't dress like that normally like if they have jobs. They don't like but

But like some of them don't and maybe they work from home. I don't know Yeah, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Well, because I saw the video. It was one of the New York chapters. And it was a big, there was like fucking 80 of them. And they were all walking through the streets. And they had the whole like, because JT joined. Well, he can't join. But he like hung out with them and did interviews with them.

And so he has the, it was the IPA, he's the ISPUK, check this out, the International School of Practical Utilitarian Knowledge. Get a load of that acronym. That is a fuckin', that's an acronym if there ever was one. Anyway, he had the purple shirt with the gold fringes at the end and he had the hat. But he, I was asking him about the armor.

Apparently the armor's only for like, you have to like level up or some shit before you're allowed him about the armor. Apparently the armor is only for like, you have to level up or some shit before you're allowed to have the armor. Which I want some of that armor. I'm trying to get me in some of that shit. Yeah, you gotta earn it, man. Yeah. I remember one time I was hanging out,

I was doing spots and the black Israelites had this like makeshift stage. And we were on 36. And this mixed race couple walks by. I don't have any problem with it, but those guys do. It's probably a big thing with them, is they don't like to see a white man with a black woman, or a black woman with a white man, and so on and so forth.

And so a black man and a white woman walk by. And that gentleman with the microphone and the armor says, look at this, fella. He out walking his dog. And the black guy didn't like that at all. I don't know if you can believe that. He thought that he didn't like that at all. And he was like, what?

He was like, you out taking your dog for a walk. Look at this fella. He got him a dog, a white dog. And he had the big megaphone and stuff. And the lady didn't like it either. She didn't care for that. I fucking loved it. I thought it was awesome, and I wanted him to keep going.

So I kind of like hanged back in the cut, and I was cracking up. And they I kind of like hang back in the cut and I was cracking up and they go back and forth and they got into a bit of a fistfight and the I don't know if you can believe this the black Israelite lost big time on account of he was like 5'8 and very clearly like in cell physiognomy whatever the word is very fizzy on and having yeah he wasn't having a god to dealt him a bad card and the the soul brother that he

insulted was strong as shit and bigger than fuck and so that he got the brake speed off of his ass pretty good that day but it was very funny what he said and I condone that type of stuff. And I'm into it personally. I think I'm going to become anti-marriage. You see the Shannon Sharp stuff? Wait, what? No, no, no. He's in deep waters right now.

I'll put it like that. Wait, hold on. Hold on. I mean, this is actually straight up news. He got accused of rape. OK. Then he released the transcripts, and it's all him doing race play with this 20-year-old white

woman, which I don't think is really my place to be the ultimate judge on that. But that's what he's going through right now. Shannon Sharp. I'm not saying he did or didn't do anything, because I really haven't. I don't want to speak on that without knowing all the facts. Or without.

I probably shouldn't speak on that anyway. But he's in a murky spot. He released a statement on it where he was like, oh yeah? Why don't you release that whole sex tape? And then we'll see. And from a bargaining perspective, look. I'm not an expert, right? But that's one of the last cards

that you throw in the mix after you have, yeah. After you reveal text where she says, I want you to put a big black baby in me. Which is just, I, you know, if he's done, you know, if he's done horrible things, I don't condone that. I'm just saying that is a funny text. I read that and I did chuckle at, and then she like capitalized like big black baby. It was like the beach. She did like, she did like a different version of the white baby tweet, but like sincerely like yeah She was like I want to put my tongue in your ass and marry you and all this stuff and like

This is so funny like a guy who's? Like more than twice her and like in the old man Yeah, you know what you put a big black baby Yeah, you know, I want you to put a big black baby He does say here that Ella Shannon sharp allegedly threatens to choke accuser in public in second audio clip, which is That's not good. I don't want to read any more of this I like what you were saying because it was funny and I could suspend my this my belief for a moment I Don't want to read this but the big black baby stuff,

that is funny and I do like that. Yeah, I'm reading some of this is not good. I'm gonna move on. That guy, that's a, that's a tough, that's a tough situation. Yeah. I mean, you have to wonder how he, um, how he got his suit off in the first place. His damn clothes are so tight, but yeah, not ideal. Skip. Yeah. Did you ever watch it? Uh, whenever they had it, didn't Drew Ski also get a little bit of hot water? Drew Ski seemed to, he did, he did.

He was on the, he was added to the, one of the Diddy accusers. But he seems to maybe have a solid alibi on that one. Okay, so my other guitar player, my old band told me this the other day and I was going to text it to you, but I forgot. So he's like a, I guess he's like a couple years younger, and he's kind of tapped into this stuff.

He was telling me that one of Druski's, not his biggest alibi, but one that got him out from under some of the accusations, was that him and his PR team posted his screenshots of his bank account and stuff from around that time. And he was too broke to go to the freak off. He had like $0.93 in his checking account, like when I guess he got invited or whatever. It was like legitimately dead broke.

And hit the big like, their PR spin was like, Druski couldn't have gone to the freak off fuck rape party. He had $1.18 in his savings account, which is a great alibi. I'm only bringing it up because that's very funny to say in a legitimate, kind of scary, tense setting, where people are accusing you of hanging around a monster.

I couldn't have been around a ditty. I had $2 in my name. I couldn't have made it over there. Whether or not that's true, you know, whatever. Like they did apparently post receipts, but it's like, I couldn't have made it to little St. James, man. I don't know. I had like fucking 20 bucks to my name.

What are you talking about? There's no way I could have made it over there. Being too broke to diddle. Pretty funny to me. I like that type of stuff. Yeah. I couldn't have been doing that stuff, bro. I was dead broke. Down to my last dollar. Flying coach to an orgy has got to suck.

Even if it's a normal one, you know. Flying to an orgy, you've got to have some second thoughts on the way. Like, damn, I've got to go through security to probably not stay hard for this, you know? Yeah, I gotta, I have to get my TSA pre-check number from my email. Gotta go up to a hotel all scared. Yeah, hungover.

Yes. When you, okay, so like, I know that you were like a little bit later to the porn party than I was. I started watching a little too young. But I had it in my mind that people that did orgies were hot, because you watch porn when you're a teenage boy. And everybody that's fucking in big groups are porn stars or whatever.

And it was one of those kind of coming of age culture shocks that I like. You come to find out that the people that are into swinging, they look like platypuses. They're leathery, and they have really wide bellies. And the guys are always kind of like pink and purple and brown at the same time, but they're white ethnically and the ladies just have like deep fried hair and they wear a lot of leather and like miss me jeans and stuff and

And they look like shit and they smell like fucking coconut oil And I think the only reason I would say that I have an accurate description of their stink is not because I've been to any Of their orgies, but I went to a bar back home that was frequented by the local swinger community quite often. It's called Jake's bar. It was called Jake's hidey hole. If you want to come you want to come over to Jake's hidey hole knock on the door pull on my pole yeah anyway they were they were fucking gross anyway if you're out there and you're doing group fucking the We go both ways. I want you to have a cute. I don't think it's adorable. I think it's sinful I think he and I think it's chic

I don't I Don't think old people should be having any type. I think they should and we should see it. We're paying all the Social Security Let's watch these old people five You get to keep your Social Security, but you have to come on Tom Tug of War TV. You have to put stuff in your bum Even if that's not what you like Howard get up fuck your wife and the ass for me You can have your social security guy, but you're gonna have to shove a bunch of shit Yeah

You're gonna have to try stuff out there's your wife that you were hoping that you could wait till she died and then you could try with a younger woman. Your old fat wife wants to try butt play. Put the fuck your wife in the ass before she dies, bitch. And now you can do about it. You want your social security after having sex with your old fat wife in the butt. Yeah, you're gonna have to fuck your wife in the kitchen, then we'll mop up all the fucking stupid shit on the ground. Ha ha ha ha ha! Motherfucker.

Stupid fucking shit. I went one spill. One spilled on the ground? It's fucking common shit, man. Common liquid. Fucking common sweat and shit, man. Piss. Bunch of shit everywhere.

You want your Social Security, you gotta have sick of your wife and your kid. Cock sucks. So good to shit on the ground. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Hahahaha. If we had the cock sex, we'd get the shit on the ground,

shit on your pants, wipe it on your face. Motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker. And then you know where it is. I'm just, hey, I'm just here to get my Social Security. I just, is, did Doge mess with the chicks? I'm, I need to get my medicine, so I just, I'm just wondering if I can get, if I can talk to someone. Nah, you can't talk to nobody. I need a videotape of so I just wondered if I could talk to somebody.

No, you can't talk to nobody. I need a videotape of you putting your foot in your ass. Fucking the shit out of your wife and fucking the comment on her. Fucking comment on her fucking tits. Bitch. I don't understand. You need to fuck her hands while she stands six feet away and leans forward. You lean forward, too.

My wife, she's bedridden and we need the money so I can get her medicines. You need to fuck her hands so it hurts her hands and hurts your dick. Fuck the shit out of her hands. Come over her arm. I don't understand. Take all the sperm out of your wife and put them in the fucking, all the shit on the ground. Okay, so I go home and I have sex with my wife I can get my social security

Yeah, you got a videotape I do freaky shit that you don't like put a ball gag on your In your mouth and then she asks you questions and you can't answer every time you can't answer she spanks your shit off Gets all the boner off. Get out of it. She spanks my shit off? I don't know about that. I've never heard of that one. What does that one mean?

It's where she spanks the shit off so much that it hurts. I still feel so I'm confused and I don't understand the mechanics to check right? Yes, I get that fucking shit Like a sexual deviation yeah administration worker fucking dick off. I'm gonna fucking come You want your check I just came in the fucking trash can. I don't know, this stands a new generation, I just want to get my money from my pool. I'm gonna fuck your money and I'm gonna cum on it. You're gonna have to lick the cum off your chest, cash it in your wife's ass.

Ha ha ha! Sonny, I'm so confused. I-I-I'm 70 years old. I don't understand none of these words. Can I shake your hand? Okay, yeah, here. Yeah, you feel that on your hand? Yeah, what is that?

It's fucking vagina juice from a bitch. I just fucked the shit out of a can. I just opened a can and fucked the shit out of it. Tomato soup. So where did the juice come from? It's tomato soup. From my cock. I fucked the can and I jacked off and it shook again.

Well, I hope that we can move forward now and I can get my money. OK. Thank you. Your money's going to be all wet. I fucked this shit out of your money. It cummed on it. The banker's going to make you lick it off.

Then you gotta fuck him in the ass. Like a gate boy. I'm so confused. This new administration's making so many rules. You have to cash your check at gate bank and they have to fuck you to get the money out of you. Is this a Elon thing or a dog? I don't know.

No. Doggie. I don't know who that is. This is a T-Mon thing. That's my name. I'm T-Mon. T-Mon? I'm the inspector of social security, the lead head inspector.

That means I get ahead and I inspect my cock after. T-Mon the inspector of the money? Yes. And I, the buck stops with me. The buck being five bucks for me to get my cock sucked. And I come on the vent, I come in the fucking trash and I don't take it out. I really just need my check. That's all I need. Oh, you just need my check. That's all I need. Oh, he's needed. You mean your social security check Yeah, I keep those in the file right behind me. I mean I should grab that real quick. Okay, okay

Oh, yeah, we're good. All right. Well you need anything else today That'll be it team. Oh, we got lollipops. Oh I love one. Yeah, they're fucking cherry and cum flavored Yeah, they're fucking cherry and cum flavored. Oh no! Timon, I thought we trusted you! I thought we had a rapport. You can trust me, Snow. I'm gonna cum on everything.

You can trust that. You can walk out with a smile on your face and cum in the trash can. Honey, I went to the office. They had a new guy at the SSA. His name was Timon the Inspector and he made me do all sorts of crazy things to get the money, but we do got the money, baby.

We've got enough to get us through the month. But I do, he says I have to have sex with you and tape it and then bring it back to him. Well, I don't know about that. Did you tell him you're not interested? No, I think he's very... That seems like something he should have brought up. He wasn't interested in that. I could have said, I know.

Sounds like you agreed to that. I was really scared of him. He said he kept jacking off in the trash can. Can I please have a look at your lotto pop that you're holding? It is cherry and cum flavored as Timon said. Did they have any other flavors? I didn't ask.

You didn't ask and you just took the cum and the cherry one? Well cherry and cum is mostly cherry, a little bit of cum flavor. Yeah. No, no, no, no, this is good. Tastes just like cherry and cum. Well that would probably be because it's the flavor, darling. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no old wife. Yeah, I'm old. Oh, I'm old. I'm not little, I'm old. OK, very good. This is my old voice.

Yeah, it sounds old, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, no need to deviate there. Probably just keep it old. Yeah, please. No need to think too hard about that. Improv has its limits. Yes and but sometimes it's just yes. Yeah, sometimes it's just yep, that sounds good.

I'm old and elderly just like you. And we're the same race. Just so everybody knows, we are both white. Fuck. Oh, God damn it. Well, folks, that's another... I'm still fucked up. I'm still fucked up. Let's go get a bunch of fucked up shit on the ground. Folks, there's another free episode in the bank.

If you want to get a little bit more, head on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time. Uh, toss us a little bit of cheese. Dollar a month gets you access to a Discord. A lot of nice people in there. Pendejo's Palace is the place to be. Five bucks a month gets you access to a Discord, a lot of nice people in there. Pendejo's Palace is the place to be. Five bucks a month gives you access to the Discord, plus a backlog of bonus episodes and a bonus episode every week. 10 bucks a month gives you access to all that

motherfucking shit, as well as video episodes, premium and free. If you want to see the free ones, you can go to YouTube and search Pendejo Time Worldwide. We've got a ton of stuff there, some sketches, some stand-ups, some video episodes. Make sure you subscribe to that motherfucking shit, and we're doing more video episodes all the time and forever.

May 10th, ladies and gentlemen, May 10th at the Velveeta Room. You can find tickets at the velveteroom.com. May 10th, Pendejo Time. Me, Thomas, Luke Tuma, Christoph Jean of Rough Week Podcast, JT Kelly, a very funny friend of mine from the Fart Larker Podcast and the Pindeo Time universe, plus McKenna Gerald, very funny comedians are going to be doing stand up and doing live pod, well really just hanging out at the Velveeta Room on May 10th, it's a Saturday, it's a midnight show so come ready to rock

and putt, don't come ready to do any weird stuff, just come ready to rock. Tickets are 15 bucks in advance. $20 at the door. So make sure to get those in advance if you want to save a few bones. And yeah, that's all I got. You got anything Thomas? No, not right now.

But maybe next time I will. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. All right boys, till next time. Peace.