Pendejo Time - mono

Episode Date: February 10, 2022

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Oh, yeah, baby. I see his eyes blue. Yeah, I don't even remember that song. We did that. Remember when we were in your apartment? We did that voice for like three hours, and I couldn't talk the next day. Yeah, the next day when I thought you gave me mono, I wrote it off. I wrote it off as I was like, we were doing satchmo like louis

armstrong for like uh like 45 minutes i might have given you mono but you know at the end of the day that's what being friends is all about you know yeah i'm not a lot of guys can say that their close friend and podcast co-host gave them mononucleosis uh you know and here's the thing i well i think i told you right when i went to cvs uh i didn't have health insurance at the time and the lady was like i mean i can do the test for mono for you um but if you think you have it and the other person had it you know it's like 160 bucks and i was like well i would like to confirm and know she was like well it's like 160 dollars and i was like i didn't I would like to confirm and know. She was like, well, it's like $160. I didn't even get tested for it.

They tested me for like everything else. And they're like, well, maybe it was mono. And I was like, you tested me for HIV, but not mono. You started it like you went all in on your first bit. You gave me a chest x-ray, but you didn't see if I drank after a co-worker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just billing the fuck out of whatever insurance you do have yeah um but yeah the satchmo thing i was like man my throat hurts my chest hurts maybe thomas was on to something and then like yeah that first night i was like well we were going i see boobs and boobs boobs for like an hour and a half.

He is too. Yeah. Anyway, you know, we don't have to do that this time. We try not to repeat stuff on this show. That's something we really care a lot about. Something we've never done, we'll never do. Yeah, yeah. We don't repeat jokes.

We don't repeat little voices and little things that we say. It's fucking hump day, baby. And I'm fucking feeling great, dude. I went to the gym for the first time in like two weeks today. I haven't showered yet. I stink like a motherfucker. My sparring partner the whole time was like 13 or 14 years old. And I was like, I had to horse dance the whole time was like 13 or 14 years old uh and i was like i had to horse stance

the whole time to like you know to make that level that's where you get on all fours and lift your tail up right exactly yeah yeah well you know the coach came by he was like hi jake uh to make this sort of an even playing field age you get on all fours and kind of you know bounce a little bit you know um the whole time i like was like you know like dropped like a foot and a half and i tried to come up my stairs just now i was like fucking dying so we're back in the saddle we're back in fucking business smacking pads cracking cracking fucking jabs. We're slapping dads. Slapping dads, dude.

Just getting them lathered up. Remember whenever you used to have baseball and after the game we'd all play slap dad? Mm-hmm. Oh, I loved that game. Yeah. Dads hated it. No. We used to call it dad's chagrin. Mm-hmm.

Well, I remember the dads liking it The dads really liked it Where I played They liked Slap Dad They liked Nutsack Holder It's a really good game A lot of people, their favorite part of sports

Is all the dads And Here's a little fun fact Wilt Chamberlain would have turned 100 years old today who's Wilt Chamberlain the basketball guy right yeah I don't know if that's true or not but

I feel like he's not 100 he's dead for sure yeah a lot of motherfuckers are dead and also Albert Einstein if he were still alive today he would have been really wrinkly yeah you know he uh there was a there was like a i wouldn't call it an email chain it was like the the social media version of one of those and it was like a those like quote pages every guy that i went to high school with who like uh pushes their girlfriend too hard into the pool and like went to

like alternative school and like this just was you know just sort of a rough and tumble guy they share that that like quote image that's like deep fried and have been shared so much that the image looks like shit and it's like like the Einstein quote about him being bad at math. And the caption's always like, you know, it's not always about the grades. It's not always about the schooling. It's about the street smarts or whatever. Hey, man, what the fuck are you looking at on your phone, brother? I was looking at Danny Brown's Twitter.

I like how you didn't even – I thought you were going to be like, I was looking at Einstein, like nothing at all to do. No, I was looking at... He quote tweeted Complex. He said Ratio. Because they were saying, who's the best rapper out of Detroit? And he wasn't even on the grid.

And they had like Babyface Ray and like Mama Smooth or whatever on there. And no Danny Brown. I was making... I was kind of making up those names. Oh, okay. Honestly, you could have. They had Sloppy the Topper.

They had Jimpy Crab. They had Scales and Whales. Bungo the Kid. Yeah. I had like a Danny Brown phase. I don't know if I would say that I'm like, I don't listen to Danny Brown like a lot. I don't listen to him regularly anymore,

but I do still listen to him from time to time, like every few months at least. Did you ever, this is like a group that I think like polarizes a lot of people. Did you ever like Run the Jewels? Yeah. When I was like 16, I thought they were cool that second one and then okay here's the problem was i listened too closely one day and you know that song uh nobody move it's got dj shadow yeah yeah yeah what is that opening line it's lp says something along the lines of i'm a bag of dicks put me to your lips

bag of dicks put me to your lips and when i heard that i thought that can't be right and i i went back and restarted the song and let me let me i'll read it off nobody move lyrics okay not the easy one run this is a great show we got here. He says, picture this. I'm a bag of dicks. Put me to your lips. I am sick. I will punch a baby bear in his shit. Give me lip.

I'm going to send you to the yard. Get a stick. Make a switch. I can end a conversation real quick. And then Killer Mike comes comes and he says i am crack i ain't lying kick a lion in his crack yeah that's that's good that's what i call fucking bar yeah the i think the there was like a time when i was like, oh, this shit is like next level. And then the more I had a similar thing, the more I listened to it, I was like, this is like dog water.

I don't know, man. The second album I thought was pretty good. I don't know. Like they had a track with Zack De La Rocha. And I think I was like, I enjoyed the novelty of hearing Zack De La Rocha on a track again. The guy from Rage Against the Machine. Yeah. Yeah.

But it was like that line that's like, you know, you protesting to get in a fucking look book. Black on black on black with the ski mask. That is my crook look. It was Killer Mike. And I was like okay i okay i understand uh but am i to believe that you're uh you're burglarizing homes killer mike like it is you own a barber shop well also it's like you're a big boy you can put on as much black on black on black with the ski mask as you want your sneak level inherently to your body type is low

like you can't in order to upgrade your sneak skill, you're going to have to drop. You're not like a French art thief. Yeah. Like you're not, he's like, he's walking around like in the pink Panther. He's got like a little bag over his shoulder.

He's like ducking under the couch while they're still on. He's like six foot, 350 pounds. He's a big motherfucker, dude. Yeah. Like that, that motherfucker, dude. Uh, yeah, like that,

that line, I was like, okay, like that, you know, um, I, I don't know. Like it was good.

Like, I'm not going to lie. Like it, there is some artists I listened to, especially when I like used to lift a lot or more than it was just, I think the beat and like the cadence of the rat, like I like to lift some of the run, the jewel stuff.

It was like, ah, okay. I would not listen to it. Like in the car, I do not bump it like the cadence of the – like I like to lift some of the Run the Jewels stuff. It was like, oh, okay. I would not listen to it like in the car. I do not bump it in the whip or whatever. But yeah, that one was like – sometimes I ask people and they're like, best group, best group in the last 20 years. And I'm like, okay. And then I'll ask – I'll be talking about rap or whatever. People are like, that shit is dog shit. You should kill yourself if you listen to it.

I'm like, god damn. talking about rap or whatever. People are like, that shit's dog shit. You should kill yourself if you listen to it. I'm like, goddamn. Like, you know, it's not that bad. But. It's like, it's like red hot chili peppers in a way. Yeah, no, yeah. It's like, oh, this is catchy, but it's like you listen to the lyrics and it's like, I'm going to take some soap. Then I go to the alley.

Down, down, down. Yeah. It's also. Big red dress. She's wearing a dress. dressed and you know it's where i'm going it's like it's like music yeah like music that you would shop at zoomies too it's very like overproduced you know uh i don't know like um do you know red veil no i'm not familiar okay red veil is a kid from PG County, Maryland. Super fucking good. Like, he's doing this, like, he's bringing back the kind of, like, old, I guess, like,

Earl, like, Doris type shit that was, like, that jazzy stuff, but, like, darker. Kind of, like, more, like, you know, which is the stuff that I like. But, like. Have you listened to Ka? K-A. No, I don't think so. That's the only that I like. Have you listened to Ka? K-A... No, I don't think so. That's the only way to spell it. He's like Earl Sweatshirt's favorite rapper or whatever.

But he's literally like a firefighter from New York. Really? He's like a successful... He's like a fire chief or something. I think you showed me or told me about him and I looked him up before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked him a lot a few years ago. It wasn't that it was like, oh, this kind of sucks.

It was just like you have to be in a certain part of your life. Well, I like – people don't like Feet of Clay. And I like Feet of Clay. I like Sick. I like some rap songs. But I understand fundamentally. It's more like spoken word but like people were talking shit on one of the beats like i saw some video that was like it was like uh it

was like carnival music and it was like earl like i'm in a darkness i sit in my house i don't i i quiet as a mouse i don't talk to nobody i fucking text my ma she's mad at me I'm 23 you know and uh and like it contextualized that way I was like man this shit is kind of but I didn't like I don't like to think about that shit it's like well if you put Gil Scott hair on over an Uzi beat it's yeah yeah you know an Uzi beat that has an accordion on it like a middle way like yeah it's not you can put almost any jay-z verse over carnival music and it would yeah you know i uh i do my one of my favorite things when people bring up every now and then it's like twitter will go on these tirades about like what is jay-z doing with beyonce he's ugly and you know like and he cheats on her and she's beautiful.

And it's like, hey, man, like a lot of couples in Hollywood, like they don't love each other. I would imagine. Like, I don't follow like pop culture really. But it's like also he's, it's Jay-Z, you know, like he's got like half a billion dollars. She's got half a billion dollars. They got kids. But it's all like people. I mean, also it's like i think jay-z's been

famous so long and he's been a household name for so long that it's easy to forget that he was like a real ass dude you know people like he's he's a bad guy or whatever it's like the same thing we've talked about where people were like can you believe quavo doesn't like gay people or whatever it's like you know yeah like i mean i kind of you know like or whatever offset i forget can you believe what boozy just said did you know he's like under 40 i thought he was like 41 or something i thought he was like 50 years old and i know he was like late 30s early 40s if he was like 22 years old some a lot of those louisiana guys got big when they like big i don't i don't mean like when they were like 15 16 yeah yeah they like they were like

underground hometown heroes when they were like yeah in ninth or tenth grade or whatever yeah okay boozy's 39 now yeah dude that fucking video i shared where he was on he was on vlad and uh vlad was like you know it's like you like white girls boozy and he was like yeah you know, it's like, you like white girls boozy? And he was like, yeah, but I don't like the cornrows, you know, like full set white girls. I like the Baywatch, like high school white girls. Vlad's like, what? You know, like what?

Yeah, I mean, there's not really a whole lot he can do other than legally that he will face social repercussions for. No, I don't think people understand fundamentally that there are... His fan base... Well, we don't have to get into that. Yeah, no. I was going to say something comparable, rest in peace, to the young man. When Dior dropped that line, it's like, Papa Perk, I'm retarded or whatever. I remember there was a thread that's like, why do rappers or whatever?

And I'm like, dude, this is like Brooklyn Drill. Like, they're not Papa Perk. I'm in the R word. Like, what do you think? You think he's going to beep it out? Like, this is – I don't understand what you, like, expect. You know, like, this is, don't listen to it. I'm not trying to get, like, anti, do, like, anti-PC stupid shit.

I'm just saying, like, it's just very strange. Like, there are some people that are out of your purview. Like, they're not within the sort of, like, wheelhouse of, like, where that stuff applies. You're like, hey, Mr. Smoke, you can't say the r word he's gonna be like oh well he's not gonna say anything now rest in peace but you know but rest in power pop smoke rest in power pop smoke dude you ever like put them on at the gym and just see how long you can go without getting hard dude i i fucking invincible dior all that dude all that shit i man it's so you can you can tell when people are lifting to it like la fitness because it'll be some it'll be one of those like five

eight korean kids and he's like he's got like a cut off like i don't know like deftones shirt or something yeah but it's like 10 pound dumbbells yeah yeah it's like 10-pound dumbbells. Yeah, yeah. It's like the fucking – I see – at LA Fitness, I see a lot of – I guess the only thing I can describe is like Jake Paul clones. It's the hairstyle that's really popular right now. It's like the high and tight but then the poof and like the feathered bangs. And I imagine all of them have the same Pop Smoke song on because they take up the bench. I imagine all of them have the same pop song on because they take up the bench. And at LA Fitness, especially during primetime, you have to watch the bench like a hawk. And when someone gets off, you just got to fucking boss hog your way to the bench.

Those guys will sit in groups of eight and they'll just cycle out. And they'll just sit there on the bench my entire time there. So I end up... Anyway, yeah, they're all just sitting i imagine it'd be very funny if it was like wheels on the bus something but they're all just like you know the roof of my tongue was itchy sorry i forgot what i was gonna say it doesn't matter anymore don't you love that why does the roof of your tongue get itchy. Sorry, I forgot what I was going to say. It doesn't matter anymore, man. Don't you love that? Why does the roof of your tongue get itchy sometimes?

Have you eaten a Hot Pocket recently? No. I had some chicken, some squash. Nice. I had a brief moment where I was trying to figure out how I normally say

squash. Squash. I had some squish. I had say squash squash i had some squish i had some squish i had some squish there was a uh a kid in the back uh we all i wrote in the back of like the the shitty rowdy section of the bus uh in junior high and high school. And there was a kid who, who all the time, like you could be talking about like, Oh, I watched it and edit the other day or like, ah, I smoked a joint.

I'm fucking crazy. And it was somehow revert back to jacking off. And this kid would be like, Hey, the way the fucking secret dude, the way to go is you get a Totino's pizza and you put it in the oven and you get it kind of warm and you roll it up and then you fuck it. That's the tech. That's the new wave.

Everybody's doing it. They're doing it in Hollywood. And we would all, of course, clown on this. He was fucking strange or whatever, obviously. They'd be like, hey, man, jacking off is super easy. Especially when you're like, I'm not trying to double my money on nothing he's like no i mean you're fucking missing out it's the closest you can get to the real thing and that to me that line always in that context stuck in my head because when i was like 14 13 i hadn't gotten any pussy yet so i had nothing to compare it to

i thought the kid was stupid but i was like maybe he's telling the truth like maybe he's telling the truth. Like, maybe he's on to something, you know? A Totino. Yeah, I like that our, like, instincts, you know, our survival instincts just eventually led us down a path where the bloodline was, like, not really perfected in any way to where we we were adapted for anything you know like as humans right but it did um allow for like a certain percentage of the population to like poke some holes in a cantaloupe with a fork and then like room room in a like warm up to room temperature at least yeah a few degrees above and then like cut a hole in it and fuck it. Yeah.

It's like you don't want to carve the hole out before because it'll dry out the cantaloupe. Yeah, yeah. You're going to. Sloshing it. You want to have a texture similar to like a paste, like a glue. Because that's how pussy is. It's like, it's like cat food. It's like rubber cement. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good, that's a good, like, not thought experiment, but just, like, you think of, like, how, you know, obviously you go, like, think about the family tree, and then you go back and back and back and back and back. Generational collapse or whatever the fuck. And it's like, you know, not only did our ancestors fight in the mud, and, you know, you were one of, I don't know how many little, little fuckers swimming out of your dad's nutsack. And now you're sitting in the back of a bus that's underfunded at a school.

It's a piece of shit. And there's a kid in your ear and he stinks like corn chips. And he's like, Hey, when you get home, if you don't fuck a pizza, I'm going to beat the dog shit out of you. Next time I see you on the bus,

it's like, uh, it feels very you know i don't it doesn't matter now my life i don't know if people do that stuff after they like after they get actual pussy that would be very funny does that not get it out of your system because nobody's trying to replicate you know yeah i guess i guess you got those You know the silicone molds or whatever But like Are guys using those who are like

Just Like do you care that much I don't know maybe it's like a fetish thing I don't know I'm not a human brain works I had a friend of mine that I lived with for a while Rich Gay Zach Um

And I went to take a piss in his bathroom one time and he had his pocket pussy just like out on his sink this is before he came out but he was getting steady like tail or whatever uh and i i like went back and i was like uh hey man first of all um it's not just the boys here like there are girls at your apartment i have they've used the bathroom i've they've no doubt seen your like your pocket pussy and he was like i don't care about that at all and i'm like respect man i don't have that is that is so bold uh that's awesome for you um second of all it wasn't a pocket pussy it was a butthole and he was was like, I had no idea.

I meant to buy a pock pussy. Hindsight 2020, I don't, I was like, probably I'd have been like, ah, well. About, you know, it probably was like a thing, you know, like, oh, he's gay or whatever. But he swears up. He's like, oh, it's a girl's butt. Yeah, well, it's funny. Dude, it's funny that you say that. Even now, we kind of fuck with him a little bit about it.

It's like, yeah, I should have known. I found your pocket pussy in your bathroom when it was a butthole. He was like, I didn't know that when I got it. All right? And I was like, it says, like, anal on it. He was like, I didn't know. All right? I just bought a fucking pocket pussy, okay?

I was like. I wasn't gay. I'm gay now, but it wasn't right i don't he's i wasn't i wasn't gay before i came out i was just regular he's he's the most like internalized homophobia like gay dude i've ever like it's so fucking funny because dude we'll like be in the chat roach i was like yeah man dude like i know that you say you didn't know but like how did you not know How many times did you fuck it? He was like, I fucked it all the time, dude, but I thought it was a pussy.

And I'm like, what do you mean, dude? Like, hey, it's cool. Like, I've met your boyfriend. Y'all been together for almost two years. Matt's cool. You're cool. Like, you're one of my best friends in the whole world. You're a fucking goofball.

If you meant to buy the pocket hole, hey know it's okay brother like we've all been to dinner together you tell me you you get very detailed with y'all's sex life or whatever he's like listen man it's not fucking funny all right i thought it was a pocket pussy i fucked it as one in a story he's not gay if you think it's you know and i'm like all right man you know what whatever like i don't care that much but a part of me as his friend as i'm like dude come on like you know like oh fuck uh and then yeah i had another like dude a couple of the guys that i lived with they like swore up and down by them but they had like girlfriends and shit and got like steady i was like dude jacking off is super simple i am not a complicated all you need is like a syringe yeah like a bucket of orange juice serrated knife you know yeah and like two um two feet of twine leather glove you

know a horse horse uh yeah a bucket of boiling water yeah i like but i i never they're like you got to get in on this we're like 19 or 20 and i was like what do you mean i gotta get in on it what are you the fuck are you talking is there a secret club you don't know about it's like it's like a car show yeah i got it polished and displayed right i don't understand yeah i know so no i never myself was never interested in the in in the old pocket pussy but um yeah a couple people i knew definitely invested in them definitely used them and swore by them i understand if you are the type of motherfucker and it's sad there are motherfuckers in the world who will never get pussy without paying for it i'm sorry it's sad but it is mostuckers in the world who will never get pussy without paying for it. And I'm sorry. It's sad.

But it is most of you, unfortunately. Dude, our listeners are handsome. I've met a couple of them. Two of them? Yeah. Literally, I think like three. But, you know, you don't got to do that, man. But if you're so ugly ugly you think you're never

ever gonna get a push in your life i say go for it you know you know i mean there there are worse there there are things in this life that you should be more ashamed of let me and i will say if you're really into it there's probably other things you need to work on first it's like when you quit uh opiates or whatever and they're like yeah don't quit smoking cigarettes yet yeah yeah maybe keep this for now and figure out you know your living one demon at a time yeah things like that you know well there so here's an interesting question i have my opinion on it so there are just like generic pocket pussies apparently porn stars like big ones they will have their shit molded and then they will sell their own pocket pussy molded after their shit that's

freak shit if you buy that shit i think you should be put on a list be personally i bet getting the mold done it's like getting braces you know you make you bite down yeah yeah he's like all right just give me a squeeze. All right. And there we go. We're done. I like, so I,

I saw, I, we talked about it on the show before, but like way back in the day, my friend like retweeted, uh, Remy LaCroix was like, I,

I got my own like fleshlight or whatever. And, uh, I don't know if the retweet was ironic or in earnest. I really don't want to think too hard about that question but i remember thinking like okay pocket pussy is weird enough but if you are like nah i gotta step my game up i need to spend 85 dollars or however the much fucking you know i however much it is on a mold of a real woman's cooter. That's going to be my daily driver. Is the normal one not based on...

Maybe it's a cadaver. I don't know. It's like an intern or something. Somebody who works at the company is like, Hey, Jessica, can you just hop in the bathroom right quick? It's fine. It's got mileage on it.

It's not a star. It's just a Camry. That's all it is it's not a lamborghini it ain't a ferrari it's just you know it's all reliable all reliable but yeah i always thought that shit was weird because it's like i don't know it just it just seems twisted to me in a way that's like not redeemable yeah it seems like ribbed just something about it just you know you try and pull away and just something about it grips you yeah uh somebody in a chat sent me that there's a video uh it's not it's a video it's an ad for he was like hey jake uh check this i i don't like weird animal like people send me furry shit or whatever it was an ad for a dildo that is in the shape of an alien's penis and you put gelatin eggs in it and it'll lay eggs in you like he was like hey i figured you would like this stuff and i of course got very mad because

it was disgusting they have molds of uh like dog penises and stuff too i think okay i didn't i'm naive and i was like the alien thing yeah i buy that dog dick no like now look it up right now don't't Google that, Thomas. Come on, man. Dog penis. Dog dildo. Thomas. Yep. Come on, man.

Why the... I'm going to tell Eden on you, dude. Dude, don't show me. Why? No, I hadn't gone out of my way to see this. I think it had been sent to me before. Anyway, time to throw that phone in the garbage. Now you know, Jake.

It's a rough world out here. This is not the world that DMX envisioned. No, Jake. It's a rough world out here. Yeah. This is not the world that DMX envisioned. No, no. And again, our ancestors that ran after Mastodon and liver-kinged their way through life, now they live in this world. Dog-bildos and alien- Imagine being a ghost and you're trying to haunt somebody and you see they have one of those.

You just sort of try and walk quietly after that. Yeah. Stuck in the space between how long is your lease god damn it it's like fuck i was murdered here which sucked enough and i can't go to heaven or hell until i somebody solves this crime uh but you really should put the dog dildo away yeah maybe the next person person's like i'm a detective i can solve it no no man somebody else. Who's next? What, a welder?

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. He's just going to throw his wife down the stairs. Sick. I can handle that. That's been 150 years of that so far, brother. Going to the store. Whatongolians up to nowadays dude mongolians have sick ass lives every video i see of them they're just dripped the fuck out and some like

fucking like leather fringe like cowboy looking gear with big robe like somewhere between monk and cowboy is the mongolian and uh they're're doing like goth, but like adding a little bit of goth to it. And there's like a big cow field, a bunch of cows grazing on some shit. And then a guy's like, it looks like a sick ass life. You ever listen to The Who? Yeah. Yeah. Occasionally, yeah.

Pretty cool stuff. What brought you to that? How did we get there you know no i mean that there is a mongolian throat singing rock group called the who oh i thought you meant i thought you meant like we won't be fooled again no i didn't know no no no it's it's it's sick you should check it out. Yeah, no, that's... I wasn't... Yeah, you know who... You know... Classic... Something Moon was? I don't remember his name.

Peter? Eddie Moon? I don't know. Eddie Moon. The guy who blew up toilets? Pete Townsend? No. Keith Moon?

Keith Moon. Yeah, Keith Moon. Keith is a dog shit name. You don't got nobody in your life named Keith, do you? Yeah, I do. Is it a brother? Uncle. Is he a good guy?

Yeah. Fuck, I'm sorry, man. I'm literally crying right now. Great. Now Uncle Keith is going to cry when he hears this. Because he loves this show and loves his little nephew tommy tom tommy boy anyway what's up brother nothing man i uh earlier today i forgot to bring my vape to work um but thankfully i got another one but neither of them are out so i guess i just have to use

them both up tonight. Yeah, that's a good idea. Hit them in bed. Hit them in the shower. Let's see what mint banana tastes like. How's that? Let's get the verdict. It's like banana, but a little minty.

It was not atrocious to my nubile taste buds. Nubile? Yeah. Nubile, old bile, same me, you know. Little banana? A little bitty banana for my son. Little banana? You go to the store? We go to the store, we go to the market, and we get a little bunch of bananas.

Little for my little boy. He like to lick on him. Nobody licks bananas. That's a false premise in like 80s coming of age movies, you know? Wait. What? Nothing. I don't really want to talk

about it. I don't really want to talk about that ever again. What the fuck are you? False premise in an 80s coming of age movie is licking no no you have we've seen different movies what kind of movies i don't want i don't want to show people movies oh look at me am i mr movie man i show people every movie i watch parents are like thomas sit down this movie's from the 80s like what are you no it's a coming of age first of all i know what that term means it's what it's about old teenagers and young adults yeah that's that's movies like uh you know top gun

blue velvet point point break break point that's blue velvet um what's blue velvet uh it's a coming of age movie you should watch it it's uh by david lynch uh it's a very very chill movie oh you ever see rabbits no i don't think so mike uh david lynch it's uh i watched the first like 10 minutes of it and uh just people in rabbit suits being weird it was like a race it was like a racerhead world but with rabbits it seemed like and i was like you know what i get the point david you're a creative guy you got weird thoughts i'm not watching this shit stupid you know it's like hey you know i appreciate david lynch's creativity i watched the first few episodes of twin peaks i thought that was probably a good show i really liked the cherry pie they had in that show i loved mahala drive

i like i like his stuff but there is a part of it people will be like hey i i experienced this not incredibly frequently but somewhat frequently where like i was i've been added to a couple like movie chats or just my friends that watch movies and they really watch movies like hey jake uh you would really like this it's like uh like one of david lynch's friends from like film school it's called uh the turtle and the hat and the the big man and it's uh 282 minutes long and it's just a shed and every now and then a guy uh dressed like the devil comes out and he goes like this and then he goes back in uh and then it's sort of interspersed with like animal decaying stuff you'd really like it it's good and i'm like yeah man, I'll definitely give that a watch for sure. And I never do that shit.

No, no. See, I get that there are, let's call them films. Let's be intelligent. Yeah. I get that there are films where it's like, okay, this is like a creative enterprise. And they weren't trying to make some blockbuster hit. And this is expanding the boundaries of movies. Isn that cool yeah this thing i'm not gonna watch that shit a bunch of times i'm not gonna watch it you know i can i can watch a bunch of times

jackass three movies like stepbrothers yeah um like people if you say eraser head is your favorite movie you don't like being around other people yeah or you're lying like there's only two yeah oh eraser head was your favorite movie how many times have you watched it three sounds like you don't like it that much yeah you know i like i remember i was talking with like i was at a i was doing like a comedy show somewhere and i was like uh like david lynch to me is one of those people people that if he had not gotten good at that and had renowned fame doing it and built a career, he probably would have at least killed one person. Not that he's a violent, tough guy. It's just he kind of like, he wears his suits and he has his hair.

But imagine if he's just in a big, dirty t-shirt and he's just hanging out outside the 7-Eleven. And he's just kind of like you know like david lynch is a good director and he makes good shit but he's also like his brain doesn't work normally it's the same thing with people like like oh quentin tarantino is a weirdo yeah motherfucker he's weird all of his movies are you know like incredibly entertaining but you know women get like thrown in big holes and bad stuff happens to them generally. And he's just kind of a fucking strange guy. There are some people who are artists that had they not gotten big, and this just does not stop at directors, actors. Had they not gotten big and made a career of it, they probably would have killed women.

And they might still be doing both. They might have just gotten away with it once or twice uh i think about people like jared leto where i'm like there's no way there is zero chance that that guy has not like called somebody higher up in hollywood frantically like hey i'm on nansino um i'm at a hotel, and she's everywhere. And the producer's like, huh? And he's like, that is just so much. And then just click the phone. People are like that.

Actors, directors, writers. Yeah, you're a lot like that. I'm not. I keep doing this show because we're worried about you, Jake. I've never. You've got to keep cranking these out because you know what you normally do at 8 p.m. on Wednesdays and Mondays. You kill people. Yeah, I kill people.

You only do it for an hour, though, which is nice self-restraint. Right, well, it's something like Dexter in that way. I don't kill bad guys. I do kill a lot of helpless people, I suppose. You know, I don't get how people are serial killers and also have like tidy apartments and stuff you know i feel like you don't you have to empty the dishwasher and stuff i i've never like when people you watch those like true crime or like i've just you go down rabbit holes with like you know and like the golden age of serial killing or whatever the

fuck where it's like the 70s 60s 70s 80s it's like yeah you know he was at soccer practice coaching at 9 a.m every day and he'd go to work and i'm like where the fuck did you find time to bind women up and throw them in an oil barrel like that seems like it would take an inordinate amount of time you have to take a big long shower after yeah i gotta put on got to put on cologne. Yeah. You got to clean your car out, which for me, cleaning out like two water bottles will take an entire day sometimes. Yeah, because I don't want to do it at all.

No, no. I mean, I... You know, then you, I don't know, got to get maybe your oil changed or something. I don't know how these work, but you can't get it

professionally detailed because, you know. Right. You can't. And you got to go to the store all the time get more duct tape lime salt that stuff gets expensive and you can't buy it in big bulk because then it's like well yeah this guy is making his own soap or whatever you know right yeah i don't

i don't like because this is why and the the, act of death was devolved into the one and done, the mass shooting. You have the serial killer, you have the mass shooter. Serial killer understood love of the game and the craft, okay? They took years. They're meticulous. Ed Kemper would have gotten away with it, but he turned himself in. Like you said, I kill people. These are my heroes.

These are people that I read about and I really obsess over. But you know how the showboating, like LeBron James, that's what these mass shooters are. They don't appreciate the art. They forget the fundamentals. They forget the fundamentals. You've got guys like James Holmes and all these fucking shooters. They want to be flashy.

They want to go into a movie theater and kill 30 people you know they don't want to take their time with the art they don't want to focus on fundamentals like duct tape binding you know like you know this is joe biden's america it is and there's no you know there's not the only way we can you know we can really you know build back better is if we bring back serial killing uh the classic stuff you know build back better as if we bring back serial killing uh the classic stuff you know and that's what i'm trying to do i'm not really you know i'm learning i would say i'm not i'm not an amateur but i've got i'm trying to get my wings you know i'm trying to grow you know these politicians they'll do everything in their power to build back better but they do nothing to build black cheddar we need to damn that's so fucking raise our people up yeah you know there's like whenever people are like you know like

they don't understand you know when you're trying to when you're trying to build black cheddar like there are ways to build up the family the brotherhood yeah you want to go from trap lord to landlord facts and you know you did i tell you about that like clothing line i saw it's by that like fat boy ssc or whatever guy no he used to be like a comedian and turned into a rapper he decided i think and he has like hoodies that say like trap lord and then it's like crossed out and it says landlord i love that dude that's awesome oh there's like a some of my like favorite i fucked my algorithm up because like some of my favorite uh like tiktok accounts that i follow are like and this has nothing to do with me they but they are literally like that type of

like homie where it's like it's like a an og a guy a black dude in his late 30s early 40s like like camera and he's in his you know in the car he's like i'm gonna speak some truth to you young bloods out here y'all out here gang banging like this guy was never you could tell that he just obviously maybe i don't know i don't know i didn't live like that but it's like it sounds like a white guy saying it you know and he's like you want to you want to make some real money you gotta get out these streets you gotta invest in real estate and it's like some it's my favorite advice in the whole fucking world because it's like okay how do we do that like

we have to have a legitimate stream of income here and we have to learn how to money launder like what are we talking about? You know, like it's the, the trap Lord, the landlord brand, I guess. Yeah.

Well, like when TI is like, use your stimulus money to buy property, please. It's like, okay, I'm going to take $1,600 and I'm going to, uh,

buy like a closet. I'm going to rent a closet. I'm going to rent an apartment for one month in South Austin you know like I'm gonna the fucking god damn it's a meme now but when it was done in earnest that like a lot of people like you know like would you take like

$50,000 or dinner with Jay Z like when that was like it's been memed out of into irony now but there was like some posts and some threads that were like – would pose questions like that and be like, would you rather like be handed $100,000 or earn like $30,000? And it's like a lot of young motherfuckers would choose option A but not me. And it's like, dude, shut the fuck up, you corny –

Would you rather be rich or make $30,000 a year forever? Think about it. Would you rather become a millionaire overnight in this hypothetical scenario or work until you're 72 years old? Would you rather take $50,000 up front or 50 bucks a month passive income? The real ones know the answer. I like don't. I know that shit's a lot of its bait and it's just like done i saw a thread on the the salt bay steakhouse and somebody was like look man

if you want to somebody was like hey if you want to do gold foil steak for your girl i'll show you how to do it you can buy gold foil off amazon get a nice tomahawk it's like 60 70 bucks you're gonna pay fucking 900 here don't do it anyway that's not the part of the thing somebody quotes me it was like it's not about uh how much it actually costs it's about the flex or whatever like it's about being able to afford salt-based steakhouse you know it's the i was like that's the gayest shit i've ever heard like in my life like if you're spending okay first of all rich people don't eat at places like that they don't i mean some of them probably do but they don't it's like

boorish second of all somebody posted their bill from that place and it was like sixteen hundred dollars if you and me went out to dinner like we would walk out on that tab a hundred percent who no one's stopping me nobody is stopping either of us it's like hey hey where where you guys going oh i'm going to my car no you're not i'm 100 like not even in a tough guy way i'm like hey man call who you need to call but that is on you playboy like that is really gonna i'm sorry you know that's just not happening for me i go to i go hide in the bathroom until they lock me in they're like hey we know you're in there and you're like no i'm somewhere else

i'm stuck in an ac vent yeah you try to like die hard your way out but you're too broad the ac vents like this what yeah i don't understand like like i guess if you're the i mean i do understand like there are definitely types of people that they make like 92 000 a year and they're like i'm gonna yeah i got we're gonna do two thousand dollar dinners you know uh i've known a couple of them personally or whatever but i don't know man i'll never forget where i came from where i come from trying to make a living working hard to get to heaven where i come from uh that's that's the song i wrote that's beautiful jake thanks man you know it sometimes it is hard for me as someone who came from so much money to even imagine what it's like to like care about like $2,000.

But, you know, like sometimes I'll find that like in my couch or maybe in my sock because I always put change in my socks, you know me. And, you know. That's a classic rich guy move. He's probably walking around on like ten dollars worth of quarters you know you know sometimes you put a quarter roll in your lupitins and it's like nothing yeah it's nothing i got i got fifteen dollars in here i don't give a fuck and you know sometimes i'll go to the atm and I'll say, I'll kiss it on the screen. I'll say, give me all the money.

Give me that money. Give me, give me that money. Give me that money. Give me, give me that money. Give me the money. Give me, give me the money. Give me the money. Give me, give me the money.

Give me the money. Give me, give me the money. Time for the money. Give me some money. And it's money. And I got it cheddar cheese in my wallet

money money in my wallet get in my wallet it's starting to hurt my brain I was thinking about the he who the other day

it was just the your fucking the video episode no it was an audio episode it was just an episode we did in my apartment I was like doing a beat and you were like,

like it was just timed really perfectly. It was, I was like, damn, that was fucking, it was very stupid. The noise itself was the dumbest thing I think you had said that day, but it was just very on point. Yeah, I don't, I understand that you as a person with,

from wealth, you know, a money person. Boatloads of cash, just trucks of it. It's hard for me to keep track of it all. Really? I forget what it is. Sometimes I'll be pissing on it and pooping on it. And I'll be putting it in my butt and stuff. And I'll be like,

where is this shit? Dude, it's my favorite videos are when people are like, they're eating brunch at some like LA fucking, you know, whatever. And they see Jeff Bezos, his big bald head shining in the fucking sun. And you know, he's not like TRT. So he's like yoked or whatever.

And he's got his big fucking, he's got his little posse behind him. And they're like, Mr. Bezos, Mr. And he like turns just like, and they're like, what do you have to say about your worker? Like that motherfucker, dude, he's to say about your worker like that motherfucker dude he's on fair fat like that motherfucker's shopping he's gonna go home and fuck some like venezuelan supermodel and then he's you know like i understand why you're doing it you're doing it for clout like on the internet it's the dumbest shit i mean i understand why you're angry at the guy i get it and i'm inclined to agree but that motherfucker doesn't care he literally what you just said like forgetting what

money is shoving it up your ass like i wonder if he of all of them you know he's a kind of like an autistic mind like if he's just ever been like oh yeah i don't know uh like what do you do like you could pull out 150 million dollars and burn it you could you could pull you could pull it out and you could you could jack off on one dot like i think a lot of like billionaires are like from what i've read are like super obsessed with like tiny amounts of money also well that bezos i remember reading about him like he's like uh his brain is stupid like he every day he logs all of his decisions in order of like efficacy and efficiency.

He's like, well, I should have gone. I should have opened the door with my left hand. I was on the phone. My right hand had to switch, so I had to pause the conversation. Like he's like the big short guy, probably autistic in some way, stupid as fuck. But some of them I imagine like, I don't know. I guess at some point it has to like, does it stop having any meaning? I meaning i don't know maybe not you know i i've never had that kind of money you have so you'd have an answer yeah i i mean it's hard for me to imagine having that little money is jeff bezos just walking

around and going to shops and being like can i afford this because i'll just usually I'll use either a big suitcase full of $100 bills or I'll use a black card. You know what that is? It's super exclusive. You don't even know what it is. It's by invitation only.

And the only person who can invite people is me. So right now I don't know that many people it's just me and one other guy right now who's the other guy is i met him on a bus stop what's his name craig craig what i call him crazy craig is he crazy yeah i beat the fuck out of him every time i beat his fucking ass i'll give him a new black card i'll say that's for you bitch you're my big fat black car bitch bitch and i'll fucking kick him i'll put stuff all up inside of him really like i really yeah after i beat him up really bad with he just kind of throws it back i'll put stuff into his eyes and i'll say you're the eye guy you're the eye guy

and i really treat him bad dude but i give him so many black cards and like it's like as him i give him like a zero dollar limit on it he'll swipe it and then the cashier says fuck you and they kill him so like how do you keep doing this though if they kill him i'll beat the fuck out of him but so he comes back to life so you beat him up and he dies at the gas he looks different every time I see him. I see him probably 15, 25, 100 times a day. Can I ask you a question? Are you giving homeless men expired credit cards and then beating them to death?

Is that what's actually happening here? No. Because you don't expire men when the money retire. Facts, I guess. I mean, it just sounds to me like you're a little detached and that you're giving homeless men expired or maxed out... I punched him straight through the fucking

chest cavity. Yeah? Into his brain. Yeah. Uppercut. You uppercut his chest and into his head and he dies? Yeah. That sucks, man. I suck his dick. He's dead? No, I don't do that. You don't need to be saying crazy shit about me like that.

You're like, man, I don't... And I fuck him in his ass. No, I don't. You need to stop. You need to cut that out, dude. You need to quit asking me loaded questions. Dude, I let him slob on me like a fucking push pop. Stop, dude.

I treat him like a king because he deserves it. And I break all his toes. I let him fucking turn me out like a goddamn door hand. I stopped saying that stuff about me. I don't do that anymore. I've never done that. Oh, man. I let him fucking smack me around like a speed bag.

Stop. I fucking told you. I let him kiss my fingers and ears. No, I don't. I let him suck my fingers and ears. I let him suck my... No, I don't. I let him suck my toes. I told you to fucking quit it, dude. I fucking said I was gonna kill you.

I fucking said if you didn't stop telling me that I let him turn me the fuck out that you need to shut up. You keep talking this, Mac. I'm gonna make your house look like Atlantis. Yeah, listen, motherfucker. You keep talking that shit.

We're going to fucking Narnia, brother. I swear to fucking God, dude. Oh, man. I'm going to make you guys look like, dude. Oh, man. I don't think I look like it landed. Oh, God damn. You think this is a fucking game or a joke? Or a practical joke? You think we're on a practical

Joker's one of the top television shows in American history? Do you think we're on that show? Do you think we're on Punk'd? I'm going to get King Tut on your ass. I'm going to get fucking Louis VIII to come and show you what day it is. I'm about to fucking show you how a real tightrope walker work it. I'm going to scissor you like a sirloin steak. Whenever I make a million dollars, I want a gold tightrope.

If I fall on it, it's going to slice me in half. How high would you put the tightrope? Probably a million feet in the air up into space. That would be easier to walk if there's no gravity. I just hold on to that shit tight as fuck. I think you're supposed to hold on to the tightrope. You just walk across it. Without the gravity, I'd be floating away.

I've got to hold on with my toes and my hands. That's right. I'm not thinking. You're smarter than me in that regard. Yeah, I've got monkey grip, bitch. How good are you at gripping? I can grip probably at least at 11th, 12th grade level. Yeah.

You know a lot about the grips of 11th and 12th graders. No, they used to test me. No, no. They used to test me back in elementary school. It's on record that Thomas knows a lot about the grip of 11th and 12th graders. Yeah, because they literally challenge me to wrestling matches every day. You can't even walk through that high school

without them saying some fucked up shit to you. What do they say to you? They say, get out of here. Get. Quit. Get out of... You can't go to science class. You're too old.

What happened to being never too old to learn how to read and shit like that i would love if that's like a like a pedophile's defense whatever happened to just wanting to learn being a student of knowledge oh so i can't have recess anymore just because i'm 37 so i can't go take algebra one because i i just i have a curious mind i want to learn what chemistry is i want to learn about pre-algebra. I want to read fucking The Great Gatsby, dude. And I can't. I can't even get stuffed in the locker no more.

Dude, I've been really interested in 1984, and I want to be a student of literature. And that's why I'm here wearing a fucking leotard covered in fucking oils. Oh, Greg, I can't be a teacher just because I got these fucking handcuffs on that I put on myself so you couldn't arrest me? I can't be a teacher because I'm wearing a ski mask? Can't be a teacher?

I can't be a teacher even though I can talk like the one from Charlie Brown. Bitch. I can't be a teacher because I like to kiss. I can't be a teacher because I... Oh, so teachers can't make love no more

in their spare time? Oh, so teachers can't get a little sloppy on it, a little greased up? Oh, now I'm in trouble just because I know... Because I'm a sensuous instructor. Oh, what you going to do?

Slap my little dainty wrists? Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ouch! Oh, you going to escort me off the property? You going to lock me down in a jail? What you going to do?

What you going to do? I'm untouchable. I'm unfuckwittable. and i'm a teacher i'm too short bitch the the rapper Listen, if you are experiencing problems at home, call Thomas. DM Thomas. If your parents are going through a divorce, girlfriend broke up with you, boyfriend broke up with you, if things are not going great, Thomas wants to listen to you.

He gives great advice. I give good as fuck advice. Hey, listen, I've been friends with Thomas now for about a year and a half. And Thomas, I tell Thomas I'm having a bad day. And he's like, man, nobody gives a shit about that. And I'm like, fucking. He's like, Jake, you should really drown yourself. You know?

He says, Jake, you stink. I don't like being friends with you. I've been telling Jake he needs to start drinking heavily again. Get back on the sauce. Thomas tells me every day, man, do you remember how good vikadin felt just keep just keep trying it you know and i'm really thankful that thomas keeps me on point with that you know it's uh it's nice that thomas thomas is a thoughtful guy whenever you feel like you're at your lowest thomas was there to remind you that it can get worse.

I can make it way worse. I could break your fucking knees in front of your family. Yeah. I could take your balls out and compare them to mine and see who's got bigger ones. If you've got bigger ones, I'm going to rip yours off. I'm going to have... You're a fucking ape. Are you a monkey, dude?

Yeah, I'm part monkey. Are you a little monkey? A little one, a little monkey? Do you like that? do you like that stuff yeah a monkey from the waist up i don't like that voice man really why not i think it's it's like my my hearing range can barely detect it can you hear that? In the mic,

every time you do that, the mic just basically shuts off. It's like, no. I'm not picking up this frequency. Ashley does not like when I do that shit either. She despises it. It's really annoying to her. And I only do it sometimes. Well, you know

what they say about women. Sometimes they be despised shit sometimes they be just sugar and shit hey listen if you just gave me a look that said that you were in a good mood with me yeah yeah that looks at Thomas you just nailed it you just nailed it brother i didn't hate that at all i thought that was insightful and profound as you said roughly nine months ago i really hit the head on the nail with that one did i say that yeah you said yeah you really hit the head on the nail with that one i think it was like our 25th episode or something.

There's no way that you remember that accurately. But, you know, that's okay because I don't trust you or have faith in you in that regard. Really, I'm going to treat you like a clown. I'm going to treat you like a princess. This is Jake the Bozo. This is Bozo Billy's Big Bob Show. Honk, honk. You can honk his nose if you want You can honk something

I'm gonna treat you like a petting zoo You're gonna feed me dog food and rub me down? I'm gonna bring a bunch of kids to look at you They're gonna give me ten dollars Baby girl I'll treat you so good like a petting zoo I'll bring all the kids to come look at you Baby girl I'm gonna treat you like a zookeeper. Baby girl, I will tranquilize you.

Listen, mama. Mama. Mama. Mama, I'm doing okay. Don't you get worried about me. I'm doing okay working for Samsung. It's hard to win as a hard podcasting and working for samsung for 185 000 a year mama mama don't you be worried now i'm gonna bring you

home some money i'm gonna bring you home with a garbage ape where it's worth 92 billion dollars somehow you will buy your house with a monkey i play a lot of sand volleyball mama and do ecstasy on the weekends it is hard mama i got three gay kids on the way mama all my kids the names of river echo and uh moon riser and felicity felicity they will all be wearing uh wizard hats and this is my beautiful Italian son, Felicio. This is my son, Felicio Herranz. Well, he can be whatever he want to be. He want to be a lizard.

I got a bitch real bad. My wife, she used to be a model, but now she mostly just works at the herbal store. She don't love me. Hey, listen, if you thought this didn't suck, and I'd be surprised, because it was great, actually. It was really good. I did like this one.

I'm not even kidding. Then you're going to want to go over to the fucking Patreon, and you're going to want to give us a little sub-a-dub rub, a little rub down with the money clown. That's going to be... A little suck and fuck for the town cricket. Suck and fuck for Jiminy Click, for the Jiminy Cricket l' up and on my dickhead.

Ooh. Ooh. Bars. That's what we call bars, motherfucker. Anyway, patreon.com slash from day to time. Give me a little sub. Give us a little money. Crisper cheese.

A little crisper. C-R-I-S-P-R. Genetic editing. Give me money. Five dollars. Jake and Thomas. Out. We have shows.

All right, never mind. I don't care. Hey, Thomas is gone, but we have shows with Chapo. Just Google it. Bye. Bye.