Pendejo Time - Mousie Cheese and the Perilous Villain

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

Jake is sick please don't tell him I did this. Support the Show.

🎵 They say a murdered man dies twice. Once on the street and once in the mind of his killer. My friends, it's easy ladder to find the former. And with the former, we solve the case. My name?

Detective Cheese. Mousy Cheese. I've been called the coldest mouse detective this side of the Mississippi. I play dirty. I don't play nice. But to catch a killer, you've got to sneak into his mind. You've got to get in there. You've got to do things that other detectives aren't willing to do.

You've got to tickle him. And tickle his... Figure out where he hides. Figure out where he hides figure out where he uh life on the street ain't always easy you gotta take whisks

you gotta take plunges but that's what I do detective cheese flashback to the cheese lounge 1922 detective cheese is chatting with a mouse babe.

You mind if I take your seat? I don't mind at all. Good girl. What you drinking? Milk. Heh. I want one of my own taste. You ever tried cheese? I've dabbled. I can't live without it.

That's why I run on this stuff sometimes. So, you're a mouse, right? Yes. As am I. It's a wonderful tail you have there. Almost... mouse-like. Well, yes.

I'd hope so. Grab a girl. Waiter. Cheese for the lady. Oh, but I haven't even... Don't start. I know your favorite. Waiter.

Get her the fanciest cheese. Uh. French. French cheese. Oh, but it's so expensive. Don't worry. I'm a detective. But I have a country.

Detective cheese. Oh my god. Can I say something? Anything I want to have a mouse I want to go on a mouse date with you Oh my god Mouse Detective Mouse

Detective Cheese. Mousey Cheese. Detective Cheese! I... I want to marry you! Oh, sweetheart. That's what they all say. Okay.

My wife belongs to... to detective cases. And that's simply how it'll have to be. But when can I see you again? Oh, I'll be around. As long as there's good milk and cheese in this place, you'll be sure to find me here from time to time. But I come and go as the sun in the rains,

just as my father is before me and the mice that were before them. Perhaps I will never know peace. Nor will my descendants. That is if God curses them with the harsh reality of life twisting caverns of deep mouse depression. No end in sight. Okay!

The cheese burglars are on the run. And who better to catch them than Detective Cheese himself. Mousy Cheese, that is. Go ahead. Run. Your feet can only carry you so far. Justice will carry me for eternity You really think you can catch us, Detective Cheese? We've evaded your every step Every move you make, we are one

Move ahead Very funny of you to think something like that. How about both of you thieves look right in front of your feet? What do you see? I don't see anything. There's nothing there. Okay. Take one big ass step forward.

Ah, you expect me to believe there's some sort of trap? Indeed there is. And if you take one big ass step forward, you will be thrown into a vat of molten fondue cheese. You think a guy like me can't handle some queso? Whatever you say. Whatever you say. Come on man. Let's take one big ass step forward.

What's the worst that could happen? May the cheese be your final resting place. May it boil and turn into beautiful queso. A fate more deserving than thieves could ever ask for.

Go ahead. I'm gonna do it. I think we're both gonna do it. Come on! Western cheese, motherfucker. And this was no rare occurrence for detective cheese he was known around the globe as the

baddest mouse detective to ever walk the planet in the history of there being mice and rodents even capybara and rats, and moles and voles, and shrews, and nutria, and beavers, and ferrets, And weasels. And squirrels. Alright, we are back in the saddle.

Thank you for joining me. This is Thomas. Jake is feeling a little under the weather, so I figured I'd take the helm for this one. My apologies if you were holding out for your weekly free Jake, but he's still on the Patreon episode if you'd like to check that out. Anyway, enough about that. Got some things to discuss with you people. Eggnog has been ruining my life this week. Because. I thought I'd be good. I thought I'd get the.

The woke kind. It's oat milk. The main issue with it is. They also don't use eggs. Which I understand. They're making a. You know a market decision there. You know I might as well.

Appeal to the vegan crowd. If you're already cutting out the milk, why not cut out the egg? Plus, that way you can just fill it with a bunch of guar gum or whatever it is and not put real egg in there, save yourself some money. The problem isn't that there's no egg. The problem is dog shit. Is that it sucks a dog's dick.

And that's what the product is. It's horrible. Tasted like chemicals. Anyway, so today I said, you know what? I'm not putting up with the

fake eggnog anymore. I'm going to get some real stuff. But I got the lactaid brand, you know, like with the enzyme in it, you know what I mean? And it was pretty good. The only problem was I drank all of it already. And it comes in a quart. And I looked it up and that's about 1,400 calories of liquid sugar. It's not ideal.

I feel like I took a bunch of ecstasy And then got hit by a car Basically But we're still making this work I'm still glad you're along for this ride Thank you for listening To the show But anyway I don't even know what eggnog is

Really I don't know if they cook down the It's like there's a raw egg in there, but it's not raw, because you know, it would probably take me 10 seconds to Google it, but that's alright.

Here in a second, we're gonna have a few words from a sponsor, so I'll leave you with that. Home. It can mean a lot of things. But more than anything, it means a place where you live.

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If you were to start a business In construction particularly What would you be interested in? Don't just think about profit You know, think about What you dreamed about when you were a child You know Think about what you dreamed about when you were a child, you know. I used to want to be a mason.

Then I got older and I've done a little bit of masonry now. And as it turns out, it's horrible. Horrible stuff. Not very good for your lungs. stuff. Not very good for your lungs. I know it's hard to believe, listening to me, that I might not have the best situation going on in the lung department, but it's true. A lot of construction. Not great for the old breathing bags. Anyway, I don't mind landscaping. Not big on framing, roofing.

I'm not interested in concrete. It's for suckas. But in general, carpentry is not that bad, I don't think. With carpentry, though, you do actually have to be good at your job. At least to be a decent one. With landscaping, you can be kind of shitty and get by. And I think that's beautiful. It's nice to have a job that an ape could do, you know, I'm sure there are, there are chimpanzees who could, you know, rake mulch better than I do, and I take pride in that, you know, I'm, um, not one of the more useful people in the job market, and, uh, everybody's striving to be the top dog. Everybody's updating their LinkedIn.

Everybody's connecting on the socials. Me, I'm hanging out with a bunch of Guatemalan freaks. And they're all trying to hump me. And we're eating trying to hump me. And they're all, you know, we're eating gorditas for breakfast. And none of us have money. We're all drinking soda at 7 a.m. It's certainly one of the lives you can live. I won't say it's the best or it's better than any of them, but it's one of them.

I'd rather have this life than be a coal miner or something, you know? At least they make cool songs about coal miners, though. You never hear a song about a landscaper. You know? Old Sprinkler Tom. Oh, well. Every dog has his day. I hear we've got another sponsor coming up.

And I've been telling Jake, you know, we really can't be having a sponsor every three minutes. every three minutes, but, you know, old Jakey Jakey's all about that money now, you know, it's, it's changed him a lot, he's, um, gone from the Jake I used to know to, the other day I asked him for a penny, and he cut he cut it in half before he gave it to me. And he said, this is so I know you give me the same penny back. And I tried to tell him they're all worth the same. They're all worth one cent. And he said, no, this one's worth two halves of a cent. And he was right.

And then it sucked because I went, I was actually going to buy a piece of raisin. And so I went to the store and they said, oh, that'll be half a penny. And it was really awkward because I did have the exact change, but he needed the same two halves back. And so I had to put the piece of raisin back on the shelf. And then I went up, I tried to walk past the cashier, I said, have a nice day, and you're not going to believe this, but the cashier shut the doors, and he beat me with a cane, and he, I turned around, and I said, you better stop beating me, you son of a bitch, or I'm going to take that cane out of your hand And I'm gonna snap It over your dome you fool

He didn't give a rat's ass He kept beating the shit out of me And then he kicked me to the ground He started kicking the hell out of me And he pulled me back up to the The normal The standing Instead of the ground

He pulled me back up to the standing And he started smacking the crap out of me and he hit my teeth so hard they started jingling and then he got a baseball bat out and he hit me in the cheek and it hit through the cheek into the cheekbone and i said god damn that white boy that white boy cold as fuck and then he didn't like my like racial undertones when I said that. So he kicked me out of the store. But yeah. And so then I, I just gave Jake his two pieces of penny back.

And he's, then Jake told me, he said, you're a fucking octopus. I said, that doesn't even make sense. Why would you call me that? But yeah, long story. Anyway, we got another ad coming up. I'm not sure who this is for. I'm not a businessman, but we'll see. Hello, it's me, Mousey Cheese. I'm on a hunt for the craziest rat that ever lived.

And on this hunt, I've come to the sexiest mouse nightclub in all the mouse world. Ha ha ha, Club Mouse. The drinks are pouring. The mouses are staring. The mouse girls, dancing their butts off. And all that's on my mind is the gruesome murders of 75 mouse women and children by the hand of none other than Jack the Squeaker. This name makes my heart tremble. But we'll find this villain,

no matter how long it takes. I feel like I can almost feel him right behind me well hello there mousy cheats if it isn't finally seeing you here well if it isn't I was just discussing with the podcast listeners.

Mr. Jack the Squeaker. Do you truly wish to be publicly destroyed in a beautiful sexy nightclub like this? Or should we find somewhere a little quieter let's say. It makes no difference to me. Either way

Mousy Cheese you'll soon be destroyed by Jack the Squeaker. you'll soon be destroyed by Jack the Squeaker. We'll see about that. Something tells me it won't be the case.

And what makes you think that? Oh, I don't know Come outside. Let's see We're both outside now Let's see what you've got I've got a crazy Sorry I had to clear my throat Crazy evil scheme To kill you

With this evil knife An evil knife you say Well You must say I've seen that one A time or two before. I merely have my wit, my conscience, and a huge gun. What say you to that, Dr. Squeaker. Ah, a gun? No mouse detective ever carries a gun.

That can't be right. All right, no mouse detective does carry a gun. Or perhaps no one's ever seen a mouse detective carrying a gun and lived to tell the tale. You stupid rat motherfucker. Hey, hold on now, Mousy Cheese. You wouldn't, you wouldn't.

Wow. I mean, that wasn't even a sponsor. That was just a brutal exchange between two rodents. I don't know what that was all about. I mean, I really thought... I knew about the installment at the beginning of the show, but... It's starting to become,

starting to, feels like it's becoming something real almost. I don't know, it was like, you know, we were told we had an ad read to do, and I opened the document, you know, I opened the Google Doc to do the ad read, and just a piece of cheese was there, just a picture of a piece of cheese, I tried to email Jake about it, and, and I never, I never got a response, and so I just didn't do the ad read, and then I check, and it's Mousy Cheese? What in the Sam Hill is that all about? Anyway.

Probably some kid's playing a prank. But what can you do? You know, in this day and age, there's so many surprises, you know, in fact, I'd be surprised if, you know, a millennial or a Gen Zer even knew what a mouse was, they'd probably think it was some type of iPhone. You know what I mean? It's pretty powerful stuff when you think about it.

When you really think about it, you know. Here's a question for the audience. Would you rather be a mouse That has to wear a suit And stuff That you have to wear human clothes Like Stuart Little

Or Would you rather be Would you rather be Jeremy Renner But you're only Jeremy Renner But you're only Jeremy Renner On the day he ran over himself With a snowplow And you just have to relive that day

Every day Every day you wake up knowing It's going to happen And yet part of you Still gets Drunkenly behind the wheel of that snow plow You know Something to consider

I think I would be Jeremy Renner Because then I would live longer Seems like that's a pretty important part of life You know how long you live But past a certain point Nobody really gives a shit Except for your very immediate family You know

I never think about co-workers And you know my first thought is Oh god I hope they Live to be a hundred years, I hope they live to be 100 years old. I hope they live to be whatever age they're supposed to live, I guess. You know? I hope everybody lives a long time, but, you know, I find out about some random person dying

and they're like 80. I'm like, alright, this sounds about right. You know? It sucks when people die young, but it's okay. That's life. Anyway,

I don't mean to bog you down. I'm looking forward to the desserts at Christmas. I'm looking forward to Christmas cookies. Maybe gingerbread. Who knows what the future holds for a guy like me. Anyway, I think we might have one more ad read coming up.

And then we might be wrapping it up a little bit early. Just because, my apologies, but this is on the late side. This is a bit of a last minute episode, my apologies. But what can you do, you know? But give it your best go in this... You know, this hellfire of a life. Anyway, I hope everybody's having a good week.

If you're not having a good week I hope it gets better And no I'm not doing one of those fucking Motivational guys on YouTube Who are like I hope you're having a soft Wonderful time of life I hope your life is Harder than mine I hope I haven't much

don't get me wrong i'm still a hater at heart i hope everybody in the world is doing worse than me just by a tiny margin so i hope you're having a worse week than i am for sure but i hope it's still pretty okay. Like, I don't want you to lose a loved one. But I hope you hurt your back a little bit or something. You know what I mean? Just like enough to make you remember. It's not all roses. You know?

But I trust something like that probably already has happened. So, typically no need for me to step in there. You know, life does its own thing. Anyway, if you are having a good week, which I hope you are, I want you to think. Would you rather have a good day every single day of your life, but on the last day you get ripped to pieces by

a dog that has the face of both your parents and it has the genitals of you? Or would you rather have a horrible day every day and you're in severe pain and all your nerve endings are firing off constantly, you're in terrible pain. And then at the end of your life, you have to drink a red slush. It's cherry flavored. Try and choose between those two things. Another hypothetical for you Would you rather eat beef jerky twice Or drink one cherry limeade slush

From Sonic I would choose a cherry limeade Because I like those Here's another one. Would you rather have a thousand aunts or one uncle? Anyway, those are my thoughts for the week. Hope I've left you with some wisdom. But before we go,

looks like we've got one more ad read. So thank you for your time, and I'll let our last sponsor close you out. But in the meantime, if you are not subscribed to the Patreon, which either way, no big deal, but if you like this kind of bullshit, uh, with, uh, just imagine this whole time I've been talking to a funnier guy. This whole time I've been talking to a funnier guy.

If you'd like that kind of scenario. Then you would. Probably enjoy the Patreon. So Patreon.com. Slash Pendejo Time. Gets you a free episode. No it doesn't. It gets you. An episode. No, it doesn't. It gets you an episode every week.

Audio. For $5 a month. We do a free episode every week. But you can get that without the Patreon. But with the Patreon, you get an additional episode every week. There's a $10 tier also that's for our video episodes. So we're trying to get better about posting clips and stuff, but those are all from those.

And then we have a $50 John Wayne Gacy tier for if you, let's say you're about to have to pay like a big alimony or something maybe um it's just for guys going through a hard time in life where they need to give somebody 50 i guess i don't know there's not many people on there and there shouldn't be there shouldn't be anybody on there but thank you to those who do subscribe to the patreon in any form or fashion thank you to anybody who listens and has ever checked out this podcast we just hit three years of recording um which is very sick um i'm thankful to be able to Have a An avenue like this In some ways it's one of the lower forms of entertainment

But I wasn't doing Oil paintings or anything before this You know what I mean So this is sick This is right up my alley. It's fun to do. And

I enjoy it. Anyway, thank you. And I will let our last sponsor take it away. Folks, it's the holidays. And when...

And when... And when... It's this time of year. You don't give a fuck about nothing. You wanna let that thing hang out. You want to rock it. You want to sit on Santa's lap baby girl. Shut up.

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yeah and we got that shit and it's gonna be good eating it with your family eating it with your mistress yeah i'm eating outback steakhouse i got lingerie on under my jean shirt they don't know that