Pendejo Time - ms pat man (ft patrick doran from pod about list)

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

black rifle coffee company vs the ghost of king von. listen to podcast about list everywhere. give pat your cheddar Support the Show.

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Jacoby Shattuck or Papa Roach. It's awesome that they let him host Scars, man. Dude, Scard was such a sick show. It was. It was like, how are you allowed it was live leak but like on major like on cable tv there for a number of years i don't know why in the current climate that they don't bring back like deadliest warrior and scarred and like i would love to find out who would win in a fight like oh dude deadliest warrior was so tight a modern one between like patriot prayer or

whatever the fuck they're called and then just like black hammer yeah yeah yeah yeah just like a bunch a bunch of dentists dressed like leonidas from 300 and then like social media managers just like live in bushwick or whatever it's like everybody who works at Black Rifle Coffee versus the ghost of King Vaughn. Yeah. Yeah, it's like that stupid announcer's like, in the blue ring, we got all black rifle coffee company former war criminals and in the red ring we got the ghost of king von and he just kind of floats up just like a really bad holographic image of him but then like like you know like they explain what weapons they have at

their disposal and they're like the same weapons except they're calling like king von's like a draco and stuff yeah yeah they're like in the corner with the glizzy as well as the choppas and the nines with them hunted round clips with the drum in it just like a like a navy the whitest most like racist navy seal being like he's got this... This is Tyler Tyson of Black Rifle Coffee. At his disposal, Tyler has 300 milligrams of caffeine in a can. An AR-15. And diplomatic immunity from the Department of Defense. And King Vaughn has enough ecstasy to kill an elephant.

We ran this fight through a computer simulator a thousand times, And King Vaughn has enough ecstasy to kill an elephant. We ran this fight through a computer simulator a thousand times, and King Vaughn dies in every single one of them. I don't really know how that even happened, but to each their own, I suppose. They give him a sniper rifle when he's pointing it sideways, like no-scoping him. Like a.50 cal that should be dislocating his shoulder shoulder every single shot he's just from like five feet away the when they would do the demonstrations where they would like it was it was cool but it was also like the guy would be like this is a 12 inch long razor sharp knife watch what it does to a simulated human body and i remember it's like when i was like nine i was

like dude i can't wait for this shit but i got a little bit I remember it was like, when I was like nine, I was like, dude, I can't wait for this shit. But I got a little bit older and I was like, I know what a knife does. Yeah. It has one express purpose. It's a show you can't really marathon because if you watch every episode of Deadliest Warrior back to back to back, they're doing the same exact thing every single time. To test this hatchet, we send it through the most fuckable substance on earth.

One hatchet, we send it through the most fuckable substance on earth. One hatchet versus one flesh. Just like a little knife and then the whole body like jiggles like really pleasantly. The guys like, they go to stab it and the co-host is like, hey, cut. Wait, hold on a second. Mike, man, this ballistics dummy looks a lot like your ex-wife no it's just a casual she just kind of we it's the only china was selling them at a discount no dude it has she has the same mold under her left cheekbone no i just i they were selling them in bulk i got it i'm gonna do the demonstration though bring in the other one

it looks like it looks like her uh her new husband yeah now we're gonna test the gatling gun that i got from the bottom of an a10 warthog jet oh man yeah the fucking the ballistics gel was always the classic but i i think the funniest one of the funniest aspects of the whole show was um when they would make like two people, two groups that could never have met each other on the battlefield, like, like the King's Calvary from like the era of like, you know, Charlemagne and then like green berets.

I don't know. It's like, I am like, well, who do you, what do you think? Like one guy has like a, a machine gun and the other guy has,

you know, like a catapult and a wand. King Arthur's wizard versus, you know, a catapult yeah and a wand king arthur's wizard versus you know george saint pierre it's like what fucking all right man here we go i want i think i think you could bring it back and i think oh dude the cool they already did the best episode though which was the ira versus the taliban oh that was so sick i really really like that that's literally like that's them that is their version of jumping the shark on that show they did the the other good one was ninjas versus pirates and they brought in like a new ninjutsu black belt which like if you know what like if ninjutsu

is not real like it's not a it was just a white dude that was dressed all in black who was like doing somersaults around a warehouse and they were like the art of the ninja is a secret code that not many know but we've brought in carl from you know cornfields of nebraska to do somersaults around a fucking warehouse in los angeles danny mcbride and foot fist way this guy's a fucking expert yeah it is like pirates like they were like you know uh one of the one of the okay so i remember one of the buffs they gave to the pirate was they were drunk constantly the guy was like yeah you just can't feel pain you know and you just it's like you know i don't i don't know if that's a buff like like if you're fighting a ninja which is like not a real thing, but I feel like maybe that's not... You think ninjas weren't real?

Not like in the movies. I mean, there were... This is like a historical thing. Are you thinking of ninjas? Yeah, what do you think? You're some kind of wizard or samurai? Wizards weren't real, you fucking piece of shit. But wizards were just scientists back then, right?

In a way, the most magical people on Earth tend to be the scientists. They contain a spark in their soul that cannot be damped by any sort of... Dr. Anthony Fauci, the most powerful wizard. He carries many wizard-like features.

White hair, glasses, big nose, big nose, a claw, a cloak, White hair Glasses Big nose Big nose He wears a cloak Yeah He wears a cloak everywhere Yeah He's

He talks like a wizard He's always saying spells Yeah A koona Abra corona He keeps people Walked in their chambers Yeah He eats children The fucking abracadabra abracadabra he keeps people locked in their chambers yeah

he eats children the fucking do you ever hear that uh that dude he's muslim he's muslim that's somebody's

biggest complaint about fauci is like like every the same fucking complaints about like obama it's don't like how his lips look he was born in Kenya

and he's a Muslim it's like what kind of name is Tony Fauci what kind of Islamic name it's just like an Italian Jew mix from like yeah like Queens or something what kind of fucking Mecca name is tony fauci

barack obama osama bin laden saddam hussein tony fauci and i don't want to and i don't want to say this but i swear to god on 9-11 i saw him on the rooftop of new jersey dancing dancing his little heart out he was doing uh he was raising a fucking roof he wanted to use it as an experiment to enslave us to make a new potion new concoction he wanted to use the dust and rubble from 9-11 to make a new he wanted to use the ingredients of that to make a new potion. When he should have made a vaccine for Islam itself. I got a vaccine for Islam. It's called Smith and Wesson, baby.

The fucking Randy Rainbow videos where they're trying to pass him off as like a sex like a sexual figure. They're so, dude. I have no evidence to support this, but I like the idea that Randy Rainbow is like CIA. And like after the cameras turn off, he's like, I can't, I can't fucking keep doing this shit.

Yeah, he's just a guy that looks like that, but he's just like a... He's just like a... He's like a Christian Walker type. Yeah, he's like, well, I mean, I was like SEAL Team 6, like he's black ops, but they, like, well, I mean, I was like SEAL Team 6. Like, he's black ops. But they all called him gay boy because of his high cheekbones. And the CIA was like, hey, do you want to sing really gay songs to get everybody really crazy and insane? We'll pay you like a million a year.

He's like, ah, my back's hurt and I can't really kill too many brown teenagers anymore. I guess I'll do fucking lipstick songs about an 88-year-old Italian guy. I like the idea that there might be, like, 30 senators fucking him secretly. Yeah. Like, because they all just fucking run trains on him. I do enjoy the idea of, like, a guy watching a Randy Rainbow video, just a regular gay guy, and being like, man, I want to cum on that guy's face.

I want to fuck that guy in the asshole. Dude. I'm sure there is, but I'm sure it's like a very old gay man. Yeah. Like pull down that guy's Willy Wonka suit, suck his fucking dick off. Clean.

Let him fucking come on me, dude. The fucking, the, I, I, Patrick's like, I'm envisioning like a fucking like a queenie like fat like 68 year old like san diego gay guy who's just like hmm like i would love to get me a piece of that he's like wearing like a little boy's sailor's outfit singing about like moderna and

he's like oh he's so clever that boy have you seen there there's this other dude who sang this this fauci song to the tune of hamilton like a hamilton parrot like it's a hamilton fauci parody i don't want it i don't uh okay there was a whatever all right no i mean like no i don't mean i don't want to care about anything that i say i guess try again next time thanks for coming on, Patrick. All right. I'm gone. By the way, we've got Patrick on today.

Oh, yeah. Patrick from a podcast about Wist is here with us today. I didn't mean to cut you off, Pat. I didn't mean it like that. You know, it's just we like to keep this show smart, okay? And we like to keep this. Well, I wanted to sing the whole song. Is it the guy that did the SNL thing that everybody was no it's not jake novak i do dude i'm pro jake i've been i

came around jake novak i came around i thought i might i was i i wasn't on his side when i first saw it and then i kept watching his shit and like i we talked with me we all had a we had the round table discussion right like this guy probably enjoys his life way more than any of us so why are we hating him right then and then i turned around well so i mean pedophiles love their you ask any they're all living the dream. Yeah. They're not like, man, I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I mean, you know. I think some of them are definitely like that. Everybody in ISIS is like, fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah, that's true. Well, I'm sure some of them are upset. I'm sure some of them are like, we don't have those big fancy tanks like these guys do i wish we had that i like the idea like a guy's about to go to bed and he's like fuck dude i'm just i've been off lately one of his friends on discord is like oh something with the old lady you know some ah dude just work like i just hate like destroying artifacts and killing kids. I hate shooting. Slitting people's throats on camera.

I can't stand shooting schoolgirls in the arms and legs a whole bunch. I don't have a problem with killing, but every time they turn the cameras on, I get really shy. I start blushing. The camera shy ISIS leader. He's got the machete up against the captive's head and he's just like i don't know are people gonna think this is weird yeah i just i have some social anxiety i don't know they're doing like blooper reels it's like fuck that wasn't strong enough we run that back all right you know like take ten thousands like all right fuck all right they're like hey

dude you gotta wrap this up budget's only for like a grand a day like we gotta we gotta get this shit moving dude those videos were well produced dude they have their own magazine called dabik d-a-b-i-q and it looks like new york times but for like i want to kill children like i want it's really well done. I'm not supporting. I'm not an ISIS guy. You guys know this about me. I'm not. Yeah.

But it's really, really well produced, and they have editorials. Sometimes you just got to respect quality. Yeah. There's an old drill tweet about it. Under no circumstances do you hand it to them, talking about the Taliban or whatever the fuck. about it under no circumstances do you hand it to him talking about the taliban or whatever the fucking yeah they should redo redo deadliest warrior we got black rifle coffee versus the ghost of king von and then we've got we got to get isis versus isis versus who would be a good opponent for well yeah because, yeah, because you can't make it ISIS versus anybody in America

because, like, I mean, the show's made in America. There's an obvious bias there. Right. I was going to say, like, the— I want them to make one where it's ISIS versus, like, the Bandidos. Yeah, like the biker gang? And the Bandidos win because they have such a strong brotherhood. Yeah, and they love each other so much.

Oh, no, dude. That's their buff. Their buff is, like— Their brotherhood. And the thing that banditos have is a sense of family is isis versus aryan brotherhood who do you let win yeah oh america the brotherhood dude the usa oh dude they would make it close but it'd be like the guy be like hey it was a really close battle a thousand simulations but the the ab came out on top just barely enough times. And it's just some big bald guy with a swastika on his forehead. He's just like, who do they get to model for that?

Exactly. Who do they get to model for that, and who do they get to be the experts? Oh, yeah. Yeah, very good. Some guy's like, yeah, I just got out of San Quentin. I killed a lot of minorities so i feel like i have you know a pretty good understanding of how you know these guys operate and he's like they're going through their weapons cache and it's like

like a toothbrush knife covered in poop it's like and this does plus two poison it's like the guy's like yeah you know so basically we shit on these so they get hep c And this does plus two poison damage. It's like the guy's like, yeah, you know, so basically we shit on these so they get hep C. You know, the other yeah, the other weapon is just like a big piece of concrete they found in the yard. It's like this way. Yeah. Well, I feel like, yeah, if that's if that's the case, then case, then I feel like ISIS has a clear advantage there. Because they have Toyota fucking Hiluxes with machine guns on it.

Yeah. But again, the Aryan Brotherhood has the brotherhood aspect. It's in the name. That's true. They have F-250s. They got lifted Chevys. Yeah, that's true. They have...

They also have Black rifle coffee That's true Plus five hard R damage Like pan out To the key grip Who's holding the camera He's like a black guy

He's like Like we gotta say it For the show One of the most Powerful words In history And now The greatest weapon Of the Aryan brotherhood It's not the poop shiv One of the most powerful words in history. And now, the greatest weapon of the Aryan Brotherhood.

It's not the poop shiz. It's not the dumbbell. Call it the first spell. In the early days of the Court of Merlin. Invented in King Arthur's court. If you could pull this sword out of this stone, then your new title in this land. Oh, my God. Well, official.

We're out of time. We got to go to the Boner Show. Dude, one of the – okay, there was a skit they did on the Man Show. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about Mansurs. No, that was a good one too, but the Man Show with – fuck, I forget who it was. Adam Parola and Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, and Rogan was on there for one, and they had a Boner Meter where they put this thing over your penis,

and it would see if you were getting hard, and then they would show you a bunch of shit or whatever. And a bunch of gay midget guys came out, and they were all wrestling and oil, and all of them start going off or whatever. And I was like, again, this is brilliant television. People try to do avant-garde stuff, but it's like, this is really what you need. You need, like, a bunch of guys who are, like, you know, all on testosterone replacement therapy, just like, I'm not gay for midgets. You better not say that about me.

My penis isn't hard right now, dude. I think... Yeah, that was... Oh, I'm thinking of a completely different thing. The fucking... Daniel Tosh did the... He took Viagra and watched gay porn for three hours with like a bunch of the camera guys, whoever got hard, like lost. And I was like, that's such a great – that's so good. Shit like that is always the – like as soon as like Jackass came out, that's like they had television down to a science. Yeah, I don't think

i think we've lost the plot a bit you know absolutely prestige television and like 200 million dollar budgets for these like fantasy shows yeah just have a guy from like south boston just give him like a hundred grand and he has to come up with five TV show ideas over the course of a year. Yeah, we got... This is gay guys versus... My car. This is all the shows. Gay guys versus my car.

Vietnamese guys versus my car. My wife versus my car. Antifa versus my car vietnamese guys versus my car my wife versus my car antifa versus my car and then we got friends but it's in boston dude that show all the executives at viacom are like like connor you have to think of like a hundred more ideas yeah we are going to change the world of television i'm thinking now of friends in boston and i think it wouldn't have been as cool and sexy as it was like there's just no even back in the 90s i mean boston was still kind of lame yeah i don't i don't know if it's ever i don't want to shit talk to town but has it ever really been cool like is it is it i mean there's like alston's cool i like i lived in alston for a little bit somerville that's where i i uh i was born in

somerville or no i was born in brighton in the same hospital as michael bloomberg there we go same knock on his door and be like hey check it out i'm 66 years old i need 114 million dollars for studies um were you ever around there in the 1750s uh in boston yeah no my friend christmas was my buddy thomas was yeah he was a good guy yeah i don't even think uh my cousin paul he loved horses man he's a horseback rider that was his deal i was at a i was at a airport coming back from uh la guardia we're in new york and i was we were like super our gate was super close to the bar and he's too fucking like like the fighter type boston like stereotypical yeah so like like guys from lowell yeah yeah like really is pronounced like they don't if you

were to put a gun to their head and say say oh or ah like they just there was nothing and uh they're getting drunk our flight gets delayed they were sitting there and they're sitting in the bar about 100 i don't know 50 100 feet from us for like 10 hours and they walk over to us and the guy's like gate to boston and uh i look over and he's like hey gate to fucking boston and pointing at it and i was like austin he goes boston and i like, this is the gate to Austin, Texas. Bergstrom, the airport. He goes, Boston, Massachusetts. And he keeps pointing at the gate that says Austin, Texas.

And I was like, I know they sound pretty similar. I understand. Literally, if you just drop a B in front of it, I understand your confusion. Austin. He goes, fuck you. I didn't invent the city names. I also didn't make the gates at fucking LaGuardia. But he was like, so I guess he thought, I'm this close to my gate,

I'm going to drink 5,000 beers and basically shut the bar down and then realized he was nowhere near where he was supposed to be. Sick. I want to visit. Dude, Boston's strong. You know where you should go? You should go – you visit – you should go to – you should go to Cambridge. Cambridge.

Is that where they have all the fancy schools? Yeah, that's where Harvard is. Is it? I thought you were going to ask me if that's where, like, Marky Mark is from. No, he's – no, he's from Dorchester. Dorchester, kid. I respect him so much for being a Catholic guy. He is so quintessential.

A guy who basically was a huge piece of shit his whole life and then turned 34 and was like i gotta give it up to god you know i know that i like threw women down the stairs and kicked a vietnamese guy in his head a whole bunch until he couldn't see but sometimes you got the boston the boston irish catholic dude it's a it's a rare it's a rare type of person where they'll like they'll they'll do like uh like a bunch of like oxy or something but then also like talk about how much god is awesome the the type of guy that like he's like yeah you know i've been like uh i steal my grandma's pain pills most like a lot um but you don't fucking talk about god weird yeah you don't talk about

god like god's some kind of fucking queer you don't fucking say that there's every those guys exist in every i would, they're in Texas. You'd be at some shitty house party getting eaten up by mosquitoes on a shitty lawn chair, and somebody's like, yeah, you know, I mean, I've got, like, seven DUIs and, you know, like, several assault charges, but I'm in church every Sunday. Yeah. And you're like, that's cool, man. And he's like, you know, and god forgives me for running out of

my kid you know it's just a man has to do sometimes a man's life isn't defined by things like alimony or you know rent or like vehicular manslaughter yeah you know like i've like grown through a lot of stuff like i remember in high school i was a bad kid Like I used to like Beat up my girlfriend And like kick my grandma in the hands Her hands would hurt really bad And like I'd poison dogs Yeah I'd choke so many cats dude

Yeah my thing was I would Point a gun out the window And then I'd shoot at the other cars Driving by That's all called the Texas 2 step, brother. That's just how you get, you know. At a certain point around age, you know, I don't know, 38, like I really hit rock bottom.

And I really found myself, I remember crying because I remember I almost had custody of my kids again. That was the scariest thing. I was almost having to deal with that again. You know, my old lady, you know, bless her heart, man. I mean, you know, she's a real, real tough woman, you know. I couldn't drop my kids off at school. You know, I couldn't buy them clothes.

I just, you know, I was far more interested in, you know i couldn't uh buy them clothes i just you know i was far more interested in uh you know going to barbecue festivals playstation playstation two playstation three playstation hell even four give me four if you got it yeah look i got four kids those could have each been a playstation they cost about the same these days, you know what I'm saying? You know, having a kid nowadays costs you $200, $300 easy. Look, that's like four or five different times I could have bought Crash Bandicoot. Now, what the hell? Yeah.

What the hell am I doing that for? By the way, that damn judge, you know, it's like I get having a kid can be like $500, $600 at times, but it's like, I go to that bitch's house and she's got a TV. Like, I want to kill her, you know? By the way, do you want to see a grainy video of me fucking the fattest woman you've ever seen in your whole life? Because let me tell you, brother, I've got so many of them on my iPhone 4S. Yeah, I recorded it from my ring doorbell that i put on the back of my my door handle the inside of my bedroom yeah in my garage yeah the same people who call me a loser will never fuck a girl in a porta potty at a nascar race

you think you've been through a lot in your life. Have you ever jacked off inside of a hot porta potty at a construction site? Tuesday at five in the morning. Cause you got so horny. Cause you saw a woman, a woman wearing a shoe that looked like, looked like a banana. You know, God put me through a lot of stuff.

Like one time I ate a piece of chicken that had a little bit of poop on it. It was a chicken tender and i had poop on my hand and i ate it because i was cleaning out a port-a-potty was it my own because i dropped some oxone in it the the the shitty like god-fearing scumbag is just it they exist all over planet oh dude all you got to do is copy paste like a guy from west texas and then teach him the accent and then drop him like yeah it's south boston somewhere south boston like uh yeah i mean i guess they're they're everywhere it's just like it's just cool to look up uh like those versions like versions of those dudes and like other countries like chavs and shit yeah yeah that's that's a great example guys who like they

half their life like basically one of their main hobbies is like throwing rocks at you know seek women and then they're like they'll get out somebody will like interview them or something like a man on the street type deal it's like like, Oi, bruv, it's England first. And God, and God, and first, there's Kedogli. Ah, fuck. Keep England English, mate. And God, and then my mother.

My mother, yeah, yeah. They think they can come here and just start a big old rebel, but really, we're peaceful here. We like it that way. I'm a simple man. I eat jelly deals. I eat jelly deals. I eat jelly deals. I go down to the NHS.

I try to steal prescription pads. And that's pretty much it. That's all I do. Then I watch footy on the telly and that's it. Simple as. What? Love me Oxycontin? Love me country?

Simple as? Man, painkillers are so great you're you're supposed to think like i guess it's just my my fucking american brain thinking that like uh like a british person because they have a british voice is supposed to be some kind of royalty highbrow genius or something yeah it's like oh yeah like even like even if they told like this, it's like, oh, he went to Oxford. Yeah, he wears the kind of shoes that are shiny. Then he goes to the store. Oh, yeah, they're shiny because they got mirrors on the bottom.

He's looking up women's skirts. Well, I think I might look at some new marble catatops soon. I think I might go to a palace and drink a piece of tea. A piece of tea? I'm drinking a piece of tea and am I eating a big glass of crumpet? Yeah, I only want a piece of tea. I don't want any of this fucking cup.

I don't want a cup of tea. I want a fucking piece of tea. I'd like to go try out my new sailboat soon. Thomas is encroaching on Forrest Gump. I'm from British Forrest Gump. I think I'd like to go. I'm from British Forrest Gump because his name definitely wouldn't be Forrest.

I don't know, man. Nigel Gump. Nigel Gumpington. I don't know Nigel Nigel Gump Nigel Gumpington I don't know Nigel Nigel It's me Nigel Gumpington

Yeah Life is like A packet of crisps There's a bunch of air At the top Life is like A pack of crisps there's too much air in the top of the packet

I paid two pounds British pence instead of fucking money mummy mummy mummy where's me hot air balloon I could have swore

I had it tied to the hitching post oh my god there's a hitching post in the sky. I've got work in an hour. I've got work in an hour and my hot air balloon is not on the hitching post. How the fuck am I going to get to work? Mummy, where's my methadone? Mummy, they ran out of suboxone at the clinic.

I don't know how I'll get on this summer. Please, sir. Please, can I have some more Suboxone? Oliver Twist, but it's opiates. Please, sir. May I have some more methadone? More methadone? More?

More? More? Man, I fucking... Hey, it's not a joke, man. Opiates have ruined so many lives. But hey, before it gets bad, it's really awesome. You know? And so just hope it doesn't get...

My advice to you, just don't let it get that bad. It's super easy. And people joke about getting addicted to opiates like ibuprofen and acetaminophen, and it's not funny. It's not funny because those things are really harsh, too like ibuprofen and acetaminophen and it's not funny it's not funny because those things are really harsh too ibuprofen look i i know a guy who's addicted to ibuprofen for years yeah oh mom have you seen me acetaminophen i think they call it paracetamol over there maybe paracetamol is like a different thing oh I've been smoking a bit of Fentanyl off this

aluminium foil. I crush up the acetaminophen. I put it on the aluminium foil and I smoke it like a cigarette. And it makes me clogs fit better. Clogs? Your clogs.

Me and the other lads like to dance in our clogs fit better. Clogs? Your clogs. Me and the other lads like to dance in our clogs. There's nothing like dancing in your clogs after smoking a whole bottle of ibuprofen. That's it. Get this knife away from me.

I'm about to smoke some ibuprofen with my clogs on. Don't want to trip and fall. Man, I love train spotting. It's my favorite movie of all time. Literally, I it two days ago it's so good dude dude i watched it two days ago and there's that scene where fucking tommy dies from having a cat but like i i forgot because i i took in that stray and then i forgot that like the big reason that he dies from having the cat is because he's already got aids and i was like

i was like man what if that happens to me what if i what if this cat gets me sick what if i just get aids from this cat oh dear you could that's what i would say it's a doctor diagnoses me with aids i'm just like oh jesus guys. He's like, oh, crap. Look, man, this is an awkward conversation. But, you know, I'm a doctor. So candidness is always, you know, in my view, best bet. So, been having any unprotected sex? No.

You've been intervening as drug use? No. Oh, well, you know, anything. I did get a cat. And, you know, he was pretty sick. Do you think you got AIDS from the cat? I mean, yeah, I was kissing it a cat. He was pretty sick. Do you think you got AIDS from the cat? I mean, yeah, I was kissing it a lot. I was blowing raspberries on its belly.

We were sharing needles. The cat's a real junkie. I've been trying to help him get clean. Well, the cat got into some of the heroin that i've been snorting not intravenous yeah you know so write that down right and uh so right that got into some of that now he's addicted to it now i gotta shoot him up because i he doesn't know how to snort yeah he's really emotionally manipulative you know he'll like he'll bury himself in the litter box I brought him to life Brought him back to life

16 times now I've had him for 3 days I Narcan my cat and he can talk now He said his real name is Pretzel He said the name I gave him Franklin Not his real name. His real name is Pretzel Bug.

Pretzel Bug, the talking cat. The heroin-addicted talking cat with AIDS, Pretzel Bug. Now that one's got legs. Let's run that out for, you know. All right. Here we go. Heroin-addicted gay AIDS- infested cat named Pretzel Bug. Hey, somebody take the milk out of my bowl.

Somebody, I thought I got a treat today. Maybe two. It's like a type of, that voice is like a type of gay guy that doesn't exist. Yeah, that's Ed Wynn, the guy from Mary Poppins. Yeah. No one talks like that anymore, but then because people in the 60s saw how Ed Wynn talked, they were all like,

oh, this is every gay guy in the world. They all talk like this. in the world. They all talk like this. Well, sometimes a motherfucker just got to talk goofy to make a name for himself. Look, Ed Wynn has a perfect voice. I will say it.

That is the funniest voice of all time. The podcasters, you know, we're the new Ed Wynn. We're just, I guess, you know, gay-sounding guys who just, you know, you make money, you wheel, you deal. You fucking get an AIDS-infested cat named Pretzel Bug. When Ed wins, everybody wins. That's fucking facts, dude.

True. True big dog. Yep. So, Pat, what have you been up to, man? You been eating breakfast and shit? You been hanging out? Yeah, I did. I went to the doctor because I'm turning 26 next year. So Pat, what have you been up to, man? You been eating breakfast and shit? You been hanging out? Yeah, I did.

I went to the doctor because I'm turning 26 next year. So I went to the doctor. For one last time. For your quinceanera. Yeah. It's my quinceanera, baby. I'm going all out. I'm going to the doctor.

I'm going to the dentist. I went to a psychiatrist. I tried to get Adderall. It didn in work. It's not working. That's fucked up, man. Well, well, I don't know. I mean, if you go if you go in there and you're like, yeah, I'm thinking about going back on Adderall because I like it.

They're probably not going to be. Oh, you got to be real subtle with it. Like, I've been having some trouble focusing lately on work. On homework. I don't feel anxious enough on flights. Yeah. I want to feel a lot more anxious. Yeah. I want to go to HEB in order to get like 10 items,

and then I walk out with $250,000 worth of groceries. I just noticed I don't jack off as much as I used to. Yeah. I haven't been jack jack off as much as i used to yeah i haven't been jagging off as much and i'm really looking to get back into reading and also goon caving myself yeah my penis has been working really well lately yeah you put me on a bunch of ssri's so i never come again yeah i just want to you could just get me on a prozac adderall stack so my basically i'm chemically castrated.

That would do me wonders for my mental and physical health. I want to get really good at practicing cartwheels. I want to practice cartwheels, and when I piss, I want to piss every 10 seconds, but it comes out like a dribble, and my dick is the smallest it's ever been in my whole life. Dude, I told Thomas this when we first started doing this show but i got on this ssri or as an snr i don't remember it was called a fexer uh this was like seven or eight that sounds like a drug in like a video game it sounds like something they take in mass effect yeah it has a really cool fucking name sarah quill is a cool one too but I took so this this uh it was antidepressant

and uh whenever I would yawn I would bust big time like full ropes like in my shorts like jeans like anytime I yawn shit and uh and fucking I was on my way to work I was opening the restaurant it was like eight in the morning and it was like my first opening shift it was like the best money you know like if you kind of. It was like the best money. Wait, so the thought of you opening your mouth real wide would make you bust? If I yawned like a legit yawn, I would cum in my pants. And it was a side effect from the medication. I think he was sucking a ghost's penis.

Yeah, just dislocating my jaw. 69-8, a ghost. The ghost of King Von? Yeah. Dude, that would be such an honor. To suck the ghost of King Von's dick? No. That would be gay.

But if he was sucking your dick, you wouldn't know and it wouldn't be gay. I mean, you know, I think... What happened at the restaurant? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to accuse you of being gay. Of being a gay guy yeah it's okay so like uh i would i wore so that the uniform was like short like chubby's khaki short it was like a lakeside frat bro restaurant oh so like these weren't i can already tell where this

is going these were not black jeans okay and or black shorts so i'm like it's early i like was still drunk the night before i was out partying and i'm just like on the freeway and I can feel it coming on and it's already been happening for a couple days and I like googled it and it's like oh it's a rare sight of you know but it eventually will go away and I yawn and I just fucking blast a big one dude in my shorts like on on freeway speeds I'm like I derailed the damn car and I call my boss and i and i was like hey nate um i'm gonna be a little bit late and he's like bro the regional manager's in i just gave you this shift like you can't be late bro like it's just not a good day to be late and i was like man i'm gonna be late and he's like dude like you got to give me an excuse or something or i'm gonna

like write you up and like just stay home and i was like I have one but I don't know you and he was like dude just just give me whatever you got and I was like all right man I have bipolar and I take a medication called Effexor and a side effect of it is every time I yawn or stretch too hard I bust off a load of cum in my jeans and currently I'm on I-35 right now with a bunch of jizz in my jockers. And if I show up to this restaurant, like I'm going to smell like cum because I just came like 10 seconds ago. And also I have cum on my shorts and these are khakis. They're beige.

So you can see that either A, I pissed my pants a little bit, or B, I came a whole bunch. So whichever, you know. And he was like, there was silence on the phone, and he's like, man, either you're lying to me, or like this is the, he was like, dude, just stay. Just come in at 10. Like I don't even know what to say to you.

And I got there, and he just like didn't even bring it up. But like a week later, I go't even know what to say to you. And I got there, and he just, like, didn't even bring it up. But, like, a week later, I go back to my shrink, and she was like, so how's the effects here? And I was like, she's a lady. And I was like, when I take it, sometimes, this is like a learned doctor woman. And I can't, I'm like, when you ever like – you ever feel good? You ever take a pill and you just get real vibey? Do you take it?

Do you take this? I don't know. Maybe you've had this weird side effect. Yeah, I told her about it. She was like, oh, it's actually a really rare one. You don't hear about that a lot. And I was like – but she said it like I won the lottery. She was like, that's rare.

And I was like, it's not cool to be like at Whole Foods. And I'm like, I want to press juice. Juice. My girlfriend's like, you good? And I'm like, I'm so fucking good. I'm tired. I got really suddenly very sleepy. I'm going to lay down here.

You should get a handicapped parking space for that. You're smoking a cigarette? Yeah. Yeah. In case you cum in your pants and you have to walk all the way back. It was a dark week. my i was in college dude i would be i was in like uh stats class and i'd be like and i would like try to fight it off and i was like dude any other circumstance a guy almost coming in math class he would go to jail like any others but it's like this is medically caused so like i can't you know i guess i mean if you

like any other circumstance where you can use that as a prank yeah dude that would be such a good prank to give my friends who don't have depression. Bro, bro, that would be a crazy-ass prank. You run out of the bathroom with your penis out, and you just yawn and you nut everywhere. That'd be crazy. I was thinking about drugging. I was thinking of giving it to people. Yeah, that's what I was like, drugging my roommates. Using your wiener like a squirt gun.

Just like giving my friends, like drugging my friends with a glass of sleepy time tea with effects are in it. And then just standing in the corner, smiling, just like, what do you have that Mason jar for? I'll be needing it.

It's like, man, I'm feeling kind of tired. What happened to me? And I'm just like, you can just see my teeth. I'm just completely dark. Yeah.

That was like, Oh, it all landed on my face. This is so embarrassing. Rats. I got to clean this off. And they're like, go clean it off.

And you're like, this is so embarrassing. The camera. There's like a $5,000 camera like this. Oh God. I'd be done for. You're like, it's dripping. Go wash your face.

Oh, this is embarrassing. I hate this so much. Oh, rats. I'm so humiliated. I hate humiliated. I hate getting humiliated, dude. It sucks so bad. I hate getting humiliated, dude. It sucks so bad. I hate getting a picture like this,

but with me hanging from the door frame also with a wedgie, I'll be so mad if you guys did. And if you guys dress me up like Pamela Anderson and the fucking Miller lights, dude, don't make me look like that. Don't do that. Face off and then put it on my asshole and maybe

go spread eagle and took a picture of me dressed up like betty boop dude i would raise hell if you posted that online have you seen that guy on on twitter his name's like uh it's like butler something it's like Terrence the Butler or something like that. It's some guy Bob found, and it's like this guy who dresses up like a butler, and he's like a slave to a dominatrix, but she makes him dress up like a butler. That's awesome. But he replies to every single thing she posts, just like a photo of him in the butler costume i guess it's funnier if you see a photo no it's like that shit is like i my buddy ben

will send me like dude because he uh he's in la and it's like he'll wake up and one of the first things he does is he'll send me shit like that i think i've maybe might have seen it one that stuck with me it was so it's not that it was disturbing also palma he's guilty he sent me an account where this guy will dress up in um like latex animal suits and then he'll fuck pool floaties oh i've seen that guy yeah yeah and then he's he's like hey do you like this stuff i'm like no i'm good and he's like what about this and then it'll be like a 600 pound british guy wearing a ski mask and he's like, hey, do you like this stuff? And I'm like, no, I'm good. And he's like, what about this? And then it'll be like a 600-pound British guy wearing a ski mask, and he's sitting on like a twink guy and then playing like RuneScape 2007. He's like, what about this?

And I'm like, I don't really like that either. And then he'll just show me gay porn. He'll just like sit like – he's like, what about this? And it's like an 80-year-old man fucking some dude, and he's like, I found this for you too. And I'm like, dude, if it's 8 in the morning here, I'm starting my job. It's like 6 in the morning in California, 7 in the morning. He's like, man, I just woke up and I was just ready to go.

I just had this. I putt-clarked all the night before. The one that Palma would always get me with was the British guy, the fat British guy in the garden. And he's got tomatoes growing and onions and shit and he's just out there nude yeah he's pissing and he's like he's like i want the boys to come over piss on my ass piss on my fucking cheeks and a little little stream of piss comes out of his little ass dick and palma he would post it yeah like i know he was like over over the across the pond or whatever but i would see it at like five in the morning and i

was like man that's that stuff just rocks i love the ones that scare me the most are the the people who like being trapped in like the leathers. Oh, the vacuum guys. Yeah. That shit is like Tom shares that all the time. And I hate it. Yeah, dude, that's just creepy.

Cause it's like literally all they have is a tube coming out. It's like a straw. Yeah. Yeah. It's not good. He had one that he kept getting me with, uh, like this was back.

What, what fight was it? It was the, it was a mcgregor fight like ufc fight and i had watched it the night before and the next day uh tom posted like did you guys catch the mcgregor fight and i was like i want to see this knockout again and he was doing this thing where he would do like a sports highlight oh then like halfway through it was the baby guy he's in a trailer like a wood and he's like daddy change me

he's like farting in it it's so fun i hate it dude he's like daddy spank me i'm just like god damn it like the worst part about that guy is he has no teeth yeah no he's like a meth head i'm guessing like yeah and it's like did he take the teeth out oh yeah i didn't even think about the meth thing because i thought he just took his teeth out because he was committed to being a baby i was like the only type of sexual deviancy you could get into and you don't sleep for two weeks like you're just like it's just the type of fucked up you know well babies babies need their sleep yeah they sleep several times a day but not for super long at a time yeah do you know'd hate to be in charge of taking care of that guy and tending to his every need. Oh.

I would hate to rock him to sleep. Changing his nappy? No thanks. Spitting him up? Mm-mm. Rocking him to sleep? Carrying him in a Bjorn? Letting him suck on me in a Bjorn?

Just letting him nurse on my fucking man carrying like a care trying to carry like putting like like things on your body like like supports so that you can carry a six foot two 200 pound man dressed up like a baby in a bjorn thomas starts lifting heavy again and i'm like oh man what are you Thinking about getting back into Taekwondo He's like nah man I'm getting into Nursing grown men like babies Yeah like my neighbor He called me like he needed some help

You know and you're like oh is he building a deck or something Nah like he He needs his diapie changed He's building a big He's building a big carriage And I gotta carry him around in the carriage yeah i've been you know i've been giving him walks and stuff we go for a little strolls sometimes i take him in the car so he can fall yeah his wife thinks it's funny you know it's fine

there was a dude my my mom uh she was like a waitress at this diner and there's this like group that came in there's like like they came in like every sunday after church and there's this dude who would like grow his nails really long in my hometown he'd grow his nails really long and he'd wear like baby costumes and like one day he came in and just showed my mom like a photo album with just different pictures of him dressed up like a baby and his wife was like super on board and we my mom pointed his house out to us one time because he had a big like adult-sized baby carriage in the front lawn that rocks it was so nuts because it was like oh yeah this guy is like a a full-on adult baby who goes to church every sunday and then goes and gets an omelet from my mom.

We would go to church, like, we'd go to church, and then after we would get, like, lunch or whatever, like, after Sunday service. And there was a guy that was in, like, the youth group. Not youth, but, like, somewhere between, like, kids. I was, like, 10 or 11. I guess it's not that weird. He was, like, 12, 13. He was a couple years older than me. And he, like, he would be, like, you know, a couple years older than me and uh he like he would be

like you know oh i want some chips and dip or whatever and his mom and he'd be like thank you mommy he was like sixth seventh grade maybe thank you mommy and i like he didn't have any disabilities from what i could tell so i was kind of like yeah he's probably laying it down that's no good dude that's yeah he's probably just laying it down. That's no good, dude. That's no good at all. Yeah, he's probably just fucking his mom. That's awesome. You're only, you're like, yeah, man, there's just no other option here, you know?

Yeah, he's probably piping her, you know. Long dick in his own man. Yeah, fucking laying that hammer down, you know. Dude, I bet her fucking bed frame is just fucking scratched up to shit. It's just does. It's tore through the veneer.

It's just fucking raw MDF under there. Someone's got to go back in with an Allen key to tighten up all those Ikea screws on that bed frame. Yeah. I bet he has to power wash his tile in the bathroom because he fucking has so much squirt all over it. And boob milk. Yeah, I bet their toilet's always broken from them fucking on it.

Just saying that at church lunch it's like yeah man i know what you're up to yeah dude i know you have a big car seat and you get ridden cowgirl style in it bang her out yeah i know and i know they got they got a swing in their house yeah yeah you have to use heavy grit sandpaper on all the wood in your house Just holding hands with his mom He's like yeah You just know that guy's fucking Eating her pussy and she's sucking his dick You know they do fart stuff

They do piss and fart stuff You can tell You can always You always You always know You always know when someone's doing Fart stuff look at their shoelaces What color are they Brown

Brown for crap Brown for farts and crap That's right Something about that boy Just ain't right I think he's's probably doing fart stuff at home. With his mama. With his mom. That's a guy doing fart stuff.

A wise old black guy at the bus stop. Every day I sit here and I see people walk by, and you can just tell when they do poopy stuff at home, and they do pee-pee stuff. That's a scat fiend walking by. If I ever seen one, and I've been seeing them 37 years. You talking back to me? You talking back to me?

Boy, you let your mom fart in that mouth. That's a really good one, man. I hope to become a football coach just so I can drop that one. You let your mom piss in that mouth? What? I feel like now you'd probably get in trouble with the school if you said that. Dude, football coaches can do whatever they want, man. If it's a Texas, like a good 4A, 5A Texas school,

they can basically do whatever they want, man. Also, real small schools sometimes really yeah I mean I think I think mine was 3A or 4A our old shop teacher used to just throw stuff at kids yeah if you got mad he'd just like throw a big block of metal at you

or something we had one of those coaches slash history teacher guys real raspy voice old bald black dude and he would just talk to his like We had one of those coaches slash history teacher guys, real raspy voice, old bald black dude, and he would just talk to his, like, side pieces, like, on the phone, like in class. He's like, yeah, baby, you know, we're doing strength conditioning today,

so I'm going to be home soon. I can't wait to get home, you know, thinking about you. We're, like, watching Roots's like he's trying to be quiet but he's like like a southern black dude who's like yeah like his whisper is like he just yeah you know i just been thinking about that and it's like and then like roots is on it's like your name is toby and he's like and i'm gonna come home to that and i'm like what the fuck it's like we're watching like, you know, Woodrow Wilson's. All we did was watch history movies, even if they were inaccurate. Oh, sick.

You're watching like Gangs of New York or whatever, which is just like. We watched The Patriot, the Mel Gibson movie. Yeah, we did too. Yeah, we did too. And he would just put that shit on and go sit back there and he's like you cooking cooking chicken tonight and he yams you just hear like like mousy over the phone god damn i love when you cook girl and i'm like we're all like 15 16 and it's like he's not saying anything overtly horny but the tone at that at that age you know yeah yeah so i'm gonna come

home and we're gonna and he would stop and he's at work it's like he's at work like he works at heb but it's like he's teaching he's like teaching children we just sit up front like i can hear like i hear you getting hard back there you gotta cut that shit out i remember my my history teacher we were watching troy and it got to a sex scene and he minimized it out of the the projector and we were like oh cool he's skipping it and he just watched it on his laptop like till it was over we could hear the sound the sound just coming from his laptop and then it was over he just put it back on the projector and we were like uh all right he's like just watch the movie it's it's fine dude we had a kid yeah dude there's so

many fucking it's so like kind of beat off in my wind pants real quick just thinking about like every like like up until high school just realizing just how many authority figures are just, like, fucking freaks. Yeah. Like, in school and everything. They're all the weirdest people in the world. Well, I, like, I can't speak to the teachers I know being weird in that way. Every teacher that I'm friends with is, like, a drunk. Right.

Like, they're, like, it'll be, like, you know, fucking 10 a.m. on a Tuesday, like, in the summer. And my buddy's, like, on Instagram, and he's, like, on a lake, and he's got, like, a handle fucking 10 a.m on a tuesday like in the summer if my buddy's like on instagram and he's like on a lake and he's got like a handle of cracking and he's like you know i'm like i mean i guess if you're getting paid and you ain't doing shit whatever but as a kid you're like in my mind dude when i was in like sixth grade teachers went to bed at like 7 p.m they had one apple a day and they like they like read a book and then they just laid in bed under the sheet and just like stiff and it's just like immediately fell asleep they weren't like sucking and fucking and like you know like when i saw a pregnant lady teacher i was like

that's not that's not okay she's some kind of whore dude there was a there was a your husband yeah it was oh no it never made it to the news i think because uh they were tech they were legal but um one of the english teachers at my school she was this like party girl that went to the same high school like she graduated from there and went to college came back and was teaching english and uh tits, fake lips, you know, whole nine yards. Her favorite thing to do was wait until the basketball players graduated and turned 18 and then fuck them. And not just like a couple of them. And like rumor traveled or whatever. And like one of them ended up going to the NBA.

I think she was cast in a wide net because one of them ended up playing for the Cavaliers, I think, for a bit. And my theory is she was just like, if I let, like, all the point guards dick me down, like, the moment they graduate from this school, maybe I can get a little free cheese, like, on the side. Like, there was a, aside from that that like a scandal they were throwing like sex parties whoa uh it was like a couple of the teachers would invite like recently graduated students and it flew under the radar for a while because what the hell yeah because they were they were 18 but i get like okay i guess that makes it i mean i guess legal but not better it was like if we graduated may

8th they were throwing parties like may 10th like it was you know and uh it flew under the radar for a bit and after i graduated i like i heard from like that they had all been like fired because i guess it makes sense the superintendent was like i know that this is allowed but like all right like we got it. We got to taper this down like just a little bit. Yeah. I saw, I remember when I was a little kid, I saw the, the, one of the lunch ladies smoking a cigarette outside of a market basket.

And I was like, damn, this is going to be on the news. Yeah. Just being a little kid. The CIA has to know about this. Like this is no no this lunch lady smokes and then you and then you get to college like you do like you're like second year of college and you're like yeah there's a professor fucking a student or something or they're just like a tenured old professor who cannot get fired like because he has tenure is like i'm hammered as

fuck yeah i can't do this. I've been drunk. How old am I? 72? I've been drunk since 1951. I have not had a day off. And, you know, you're going to learn about fucking, you know, politics or some gay shit. I don't fucking know. The last philosophy, or this might have been a science course.

No, this was like a history course the professor on the first day randomly started started talking about phrenology he was like yes like you know the african skull has a certain slope to it and i've always thought that was interesting and then you look at orientals, and they've got – and there were, like, three Asian girls in the class, and we were all looking around like, what? Like, the dude was, like, 90, so it was like, I don't know. Did he say anything? Yeah, he probably, like, was around when that was invented. Yeah.

It was like, that's probably his life's work. Are you going to shit on it? He's like, I invented racism. You can't get mad at me for it i had a professor at uh in college who like day one told me that he like did pr for saudi arabia like post 9-11 that's awesome what that's what yeah he was like oh yeah you know i uh i worked at this pr firm well he's like an older man, and he was just talking about just like doing PR for them and shit. And then he comes in one day, and he's like, yeah, you know, I just read on the news a friend of mine, Jamal Khashoggi.

I was like, I didn't know anything about any of that at the time. And I was just like, oh, man, that's kind of weird that, like, my professor's friend was, like, high enough up on the news or whatever. Or, like, high enough up that he, like, knew this guy who was on the news. And I think I, like, talked to Felix about it. And Felix was like, oh, yeah, that guy must have been a real piece of shit. And I was like, okay, I guess you know way more about that than i do i don't fucking know we had a guy who uh he taught a political science elective call it was espionage and intelligence or surveillance i don't know it was just the history of basically like the cia and the history of like the nsa or whatever it was a cool course and uh for the final

uh you took an exam and then there was this exercise where, like, you would get in a group, okay? And you would get a rip drive, and you'd put all your work from that semester on a rip drive. And you'd have to pass it to each person on the group without being seen by the professor. Oh, that's actually sick. Around campus. You just go around campus or whatever. around campus around campus you just go around campus whatever and he was like if you spot me like watching you then like i'll give you an a on the final test or whatever and uh i was like how is that even allowed i don't know this is a weird exercise whatever we did it and we like get

back to class or whatever and i was like i never saw the motherfucker i was super confident i was like yeah i watched spy movies he had a power a PowerPoint of what we all did that day. And then here's the kicker. I was like, was this guy in the CIA? Or is he just a hobbyist? And then I go on his website, and there's like 16 years unaccounted for. He got his PhD in political science and then dropped off the face of the earth. And then in 2008, started teaching at the university I went to. Damn. I was like i was like oh okay so you're a fucking you're just a guy's a total fed you're

a spook you're a fucking yeah you're like a glowy like that's what you are but i guess like i don't know it was a cool course like i kind of suspended my disbelief i was like what kind of how do you know so much like he would start talking sometimes you'd be like yeah and you you know like right before the ussr fell we were doing they were doing a lot of and i was like uh damn yeah yeah you were a fucking must have oh he must he must have been the president he must have been a really it's it's like clearly like george ronald reagan yeah it's like what was the name of your professor jake it was george w bush he was teaching courses something's up with professor dick cheney i just can't put a finger on it dude did you guys see that?

Oh, sorry. You go ahead. I was just super, like that video of him where he's got the cowboy hat on and he's got this evil... Oh, I thought you were talking about the baseball. No, that's a great, the Smashing Pumpkins baseball.

It's a classic. It's Dick Cheney and he's in the woods. He's got a cowboy hat on and he's like, the greatest threat, the existential threat to democracy and freedom the world over is donald

jay trump oh yeah i did see that and and people in the comments were like dude you made like 800 million dollars after 9-11 like whether or not your involvement or whatever like i think you were probably in the last 50 years the most evil guy on planet earth oh absolutely well yeah i think maybe that's why i made the video was like look if, look, if I'm saying it... Yeah, right. Well, I don't think we should rush too quickly to trash the man. I think he did what he had to do. Yeah, he had to do it. I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but it wasn't that bad of a war.

I don't think many people died. I don't think 20 years of war was particularly that nasty. I mean, it cost over a million dollars. And when you look at it from that perspective... The troubles in the Middle East cost over $500 for sure. Can you imagine if they did the Iraq War for like five grand apiece? They're like so bad at investing. Yeah, I don't know.

He was like, this could be a huge cash out. And he like forgets to really like play his cards at all with it. And so afterwards he's like, and now we cash in. And he hits up Lockheed and they're like, we did all the deals. It's over. It's been 20 years. I'm getting ready to retire. You're telling me

I didn't make any money off this? And they're like, you didn't ask for any money. You just have to ask for money and we give it to you. I did 9-11 and i got 35 dollars they just give them like a a wii u and it's got it's it's kind of broken like the front yeah okay dude you can only play it uh you can only play it handheld yeah i started the iraq war and all i got was this lousy t-shirt. We made this for you, you know. The fucking, the Kevin Spacey video,

after all of his, like, accusers wound up dead in mysterious suicides, and there was a conspiracy theory going around that he, like, had something to do with it. He made that video called Killing Them with Kindness as the House of Cards character, and he was like, sometimes a man is accused of things, and sometimes accuses, you know. And I was like, you're a psycho.

Like, I know that you probably didn't kill these people because it's kind of like a wild thing. Maybe you did, I don't know. But also, maybe don't make that video. Yeah. Also, you're a rapist. Yeah, we need to cancel Kevin Spacey for being weird. Yeah, we got to get his ass.

He's creepy. Let's get rid of him He's just friends with all those guys And they're just like yeah he's just not a Fucking good hang I knew something was up with him As soon as I saw the ending of 7 Cause I didn't know what the hell was going on It was so mysterious

I knew there was something What was in the box It was a pirated version So I never was something off. What was in the box? It was a pirated version, so I never... I don't know what was in there, but it pissed me off just thinking about... I was watching it in Cantonese. I couldn't... I don't know what the toy was. Yeah, I didn't do the gift.

This is a music box? They do play a song at the end. Yeah. Did he order a towel? Did he get something next day? Got him a bunch of towels, yeah. What's in the box? I'm thinking of on Epstein's Island.

Do you think there was one pedophile? When they found out he was coming, they were like, fuck, man. Probably Stephen Hawking. I don't think that island was accommodating at all. ADA accessible. like like when they found out he was coming they're like oh fuck man probably steven hawking i don't think that island was accommodating at all ada accessible getting stuck in the sand yeah and a bunch of 14 year olds are trying to push him out they're not strong enough we don't why do we hire all these goddamn kids jeff somebody jack me up please jeff please jeff i'm floating away don't leave me jeff i am stuck the tide is coming in i'm on a sandbar i'm on the sandbar dude he's like get any of you kids swim fucking bill clinton's

giving him a key bump and like an hour goes by and he's like bill bill i'm feeling it bill bill bill can you bill bill i can't fucking snort. Bill, can you turn up? What are you doing? Wrong nostril, Bill. Bill, please turn up Return of the Mac. He's like, just the computer voice. He's just spinning in a circle, and he's like, Return of the Mac.

Return. And I thought it was up. He's got a nose, but he's like, return of the Mac. Return. He's got a nose, but he's like, I'm so glad to be here at Ibiza with you guys. I'm having such a good time. That is crazy. He's the craziest guy to go to Epstein's Island, I think. I think either him or Chris Tucker are the two that I'm like, fuck it. Well, that dude, dude matt groenig the simpsons guy he was and it's like you know i mean he needed inspiration for the simpsons yeah only a truly twisted mind

could come up with something like that yeah well it's like i wonder i've often yeah after the whole thing i was like how many people genuinely were just like, this rich guy's got an island? Like, that sounds pretty. I mean, I know I'm pretty rich, but I don't have my own island. Doesn't Eddie Murphy also have an island? I think he does now, yeah. But it, like. I wish that Larry David had done a Curb episode where he ends up on the island.

Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, what the hell? They're doing what? It's just like a $60. No, I'm not paying that. Not for a martini. No, hell no. A 16-year-old girl dressed like Dora the Explorer

Are you supposed to tip them? No, I don't tip them. I have a no-tip policy. I shouldn't have worn khakis. I knew it wouldn't be right. I knew it wouldn't be good. He ruins the beach photo because he's the only have worn khakis i knew it wouldn't be right i knew it wouldn't be good he ruins the beach photo i i i can't molest these kids they'd go down to the tunnel and there's like a malaysian like teenager floating in midair and they're all doing gregorian chants and he's like

i don't really like club music he's he's not a fan of this not for me he's he's alone in a room with a girl he's like you can't make me molest you i don't know i don't want to do this come on no i we're basically talking about what alan dershowitz said where he was like i got a massage i got a massage from a couple girls but all of them i checked all of them were well over 18. It's not, I have. My back hurt. My favorite one where he was like, my wife was there. She was there with me, so I couldn't have fucked any kids. Like that makes it any better?

Yeah, your wife is also a bitch. That means your wife was there with you going, uh-uh. Yeah. Don't you even think about it. You keep your eyes off that. We forgot to defrost any chicken, so we went there to get a free sandwich. Just for the night. I only—

Free chicken sandwich, and we headed straight back. Oh, his story changed like a year ago where he said that he did get massages, but not from girls that were over 18 but from men he like doubled down and was like actually now that i remember it wasn't girls it was uh guys and i'm like okay so you're not a pet you're going that's good that we're moving you're doing much better with your story you're not a fucking psycho you're just an old gay lawyer which is fine there's plenty of those guys but yeah you know like it's cool to be an old gay lawyer, which is fine. There's plenty of those guys, but yeah, you know, like it's cool to be an old gay lawyer,

I guess, you know, I hope he moves to just pinning his wife. Like she brought me there. So I had, yeah, I didn't want to go to the potty. I didn't want to go like how your girlfriend drags you to some shit.

You don't want to go to, but it's like a pedophile rape party. I was in the court. I was, yeah, I was talking to the simpsons guy come on it's like with this with the same the same tone of voice that you would be like yeah man i will come hang out with you guys tonight but i'm my girlfriend makes when she wants me to go to girls night so we're gonna go to you know dance or. But he's like, yeah, I wanted to fucking watch TV, but my fucking old lady just dragged me to an occult sacrifice of a bunch of teenage girls. You know how it is.

This shit just happens sometimes. Oh, hey, if you like this, get fucked. I don't like you, man. I'm just kidding. I love all of you. Yeah. Fuck the fans. Just kidding.

I love you guys. That's right. We – Yeah. Fuck the fans. You have changed my life. Fuck you. Is this a premium or is this a freebie?

Yeah, for next – not for next week, for tomorrow. Oh, okay. We don't pre-record. Okay. Yeah, so this will be a freebie, yeah. Thank you to Pat. You guys should go check out Podcast About List, streaming everywhere, Patreon. Check out Alan Dershowitz. Check out uh alan dershowitz check out alan

dershowitz on instagram he posts a lot of really cool thirst traps he's got a sick body he's completely nude in all of them yeah do we i don't know if we have any you got dates to plug i see if this comes out tomorrow no i have something to plug but it's i have something to plug in a week so so check check out check us out and then and then in a week i'll have i have a thing that we're plugging just plug it now it we lied it's this is for this is gonna be going up next week going up next week okay i think we have uh tickets for a show on Halloween at the Bell House. That's too scary. Please don't talk about that.

It's going to be scary. Sarah Squirm is going to be on the poster. Sarah Squirm. She's not at the show. But your name is on the poster. Very nice. Pierce and the Devil is going to be there. Hell yeah.

I love the Devil. The real Devil is going to be on that. So check that out when tickets drop. And then I think that's the only thing I really have to plug. I guess. I'm doing. I guess I'm. I don't know.

No, that's just like in Brooklyn. I don't care. I don't want to plug that. I'll just put it on Instagram story. Whatever. I guess we. Yeah. Check out. I'll be at my friend's story. Whatever. I guess we, yeah, check out.

I'll be at my friend's house. Yeah, that's what we did yesterday. We were like, I'm going to go to HEB. I'll do 10 minutes in the parking lot, you know, in my car. Go check out Podcast About List on Spotify, Apple, Patreon. Check out Pendejo Time. Check out Pendejo Time. Check out the free episodes, guys.

Yeah, check it out. We have more of these. All right, bye. Bye-bye.