Pendejo Time - mwa

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

motha fuckas w attitude Support the Show.

I was reading the package for Sudafed, which is like the stuff that they use to cook crystal meth or whatever. And I've been taking three Sudafed whenever I want, like multiple times a day. Yeah, you're supposed to. Yeah, I thought you were supposed to. It's up to 18 a day. The package says one per 24-hour period. No, it's not. a day.

The package says one per 24 hour period. No, it's not. We put that on the package because you have to keep in mind they send it to little companies like countries like Japan and shit where you know you buy a Supreme Large there and it's like a

youth medium here. These are little bitty guys. They can't be giving those guys too much Sudafedder. They start zipping around Youth medium here. These are little bitty guys. Right. And they can't be giving those guys too much. Sudafed or they start zipping around, making plans, you know. Yeah, you know what happened last time. Yeah, you got to keep an eye on those guys. Yeah, Pearl Harbor.

You got a strong American body. Corn fed, you know. Yeah, that's me for sure. corn fed you know yeah that's probably for sure yeah you know thoroughbred uh i'm i'm definitely like pure like just pure red-blooded like indiana cornfield type boy that's right i uh do you ever think that you're like down the line like somewhere like the product of incest it's not one of the main things I think about

I mean I guess I ask cause like I was like reading some article that was like it was just some clickbait like history whatever I was like taking a shit and that was like it was just some clickbait like history whatever i was like passes taking a shit and uh it was like you know if you have these like whatever like traits of incest and it just sounded like everybody that i knew from like texas like it was like you know like uh like abnormally large head or like curved spine or like you know just stuff that i'm like oh these are

just like what were the traits uh there was one that was like if your second toe was like longer than your big it was clickbait dude i don't think it was real but i had like nine out of ten and then i had like a paranoid thing where i was like who doesn't have a curved spine nowadays well yeah i know it's like you know especially people with desk jobs but i was like am i like an incest like product of that somewhere down but then also i got to thinking like i do know that like genealogy wise or whatever like i'm mostly like british i like from the uk i guess like that's where and like cracker those guys loved to fuck their own like siblings that's not true you made that up no dude you that's not true it's true that didn't happen it's true, dude. That didn't happen. It's true, man. No.

Listen, dude. We come from an honorable line of generals, commanders, humble farmers, merchants. One way to put it. Right. For sure. uh one way to put it um right uh for renaissance men painters uh body technicians correct auto body yeah yeah we there's nothing bad down the line and you can check my family history up to one generation back you won't find anything sketchy um i'm gonna check my email right quick maybe you should do that do the same thing just for later you know just to make sure that our emails so i'm checking my email here and it it looks like Jake has sent me a picture of him.

He's in his kitchen. He's been over the counter, and he's got a whole flower vase in his ass. Mm-hmm. Correct. Jake, what's that all about? Is that why you asked me to check my email? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I wanted you to take a look at that because I wanted you to –

Let me see if this sponsor got back to me because I guarantee I would bet absolutely he did not. Because apparently here's a way you don't want to sign an email. You say best regards, your full name, and then under that you put CEO, Boss Hog Entertainment. Like a business email. Because you thought it was funny and then you just don't get any money. The guy that I reached out to, the guy that I told you about, he runs a coffee company. He trains at the gym I train at. Black Rifle Coffee? yeah, he runs.

Dude, might as well be. And he was like, yeah, reach out to my homie. He handles all that stuff. And I'm not going to say the guys. I'll tell you later what the email was. It was very funny. It was clearly his email address from eighth grade that he just became. He kept it, and now it's his professional

email I guess but anyway like he's like tell me about the show like you know because like the Ridge Wallet thing like you know like you know we're not to the ad read yet we're not to that but whatever like that was a that was a thing that

worked out the way it worked out but I was like well it's Cop and Dejo time it's just me and a guy and we like shoot the shit for an hour like here are our stats or whatever and uh before that the guy i was talking to kind of made it seem like he they were interested like they were looking to push their brand out there but once i sent him like the show i just not heard anything like i i don't know if he like listened and was like yeah no uh i why would i ever be a part of something like this but uh and afterwards i remember you were telling me he put uh the guy from that company who still listens he uh he he emailed you back and it was his own balls in his mouth he stretched

him out and he was chewing on him like like uh like chewing tobacco that's true his own balls in the side of his cheek like a like a lip of red man and he was chewing on his balls and he was spitting them out and they would go like a like you ever hit your hit your leg on a door stopper right right he was doing that with his balls and then they were swinging back into his mouth and go like you ever hit your leg on a door stopper. Right, right. He was doing that with his balls, and then they were swinging back into his mouth, and he was sucking on them again and chewing on them. Like some big league chew.

Dude, when I played baseball, I thought, probably like I was playing pony. I don't know how old I was. But I remember when I was like 11 and I was first base and I had like a mouthful of great big league chew I was like

yeah I'm Craig Biggio dude I'm I'm playing t-ball with a bunch of like not t-ball but like pony league and like all the parents in the stands

are like hammer drunk and getting into fist fights and like throwing shit at each other it's like a fucking Texas suburb baseball game and I'm like yeah I'm definitely like major, Major League material here.

They should be allowed to dip during MLB games again. Yeah, I don't know why they outlawed it. I don't understand what the big deal is. Well, I know they still do it, but, like, they're more subtle about it now. I mean, who gives a... Like, dude, people do, like, full-blown pets. Like, they do the fucking people, like... Yeah, I mean, people... who gives it like dude people do like full-blown pets like they do the fucking people like yeah i

mean people in the days when people were openly like you know just spitting tip or whatever they were also taking like 15 oxycon before they yeah like like and like horror like horse like fucking winnie and shit like yeah i uh dude i't like, I never really cared for baseball when I played it. Um, but I think I'm getting to the age now where like, I want to get a drastic injury in a softball league. Like I'm kind of getting to the age where like, I need to join like an intramural, like local with a bunch of other,, alcoholic, late 20s guys. And we all just tear our ACLs trying to dive for home or whatever.

Trying to think about stuff that I can get into that's more suited. Yeah. I guess I need to buy a power drill. Yeah, whatever. No, my friend let me borrow his tools like a month ago and he was like yeah just like when you're done bring him back and that was like a month and a half ago he texted me like monday and he was like hey what's up with those tools and i was like i'm gonna bring him back and it's not that i'm trying to steal them he's one of my best friends i just like don't

want to leave my apartment uh or like do anything like at all like i don't i did i've been waking up but i'm like i uh kind of want to like uh jump off like the pat like just take a header yeah dude nobody cares about this stupid pussy stuff you know um they care about here's what people care about all right i just remember to have my camera on that's cool I've been looking at the ad read and not reading a single word off of it just staring into space

you look super serious for a second and I thought you got like a bad text message that was like hey everybody exploded like everybody's dead like all your whole family's blew up because you were literally like no I was just zoned out i anyway here's what people care about they care about parrots they care about pirate maps they

care about wearing pirate clothes dude that's what we got they care about eye patches they care about rum they it's uh they care about hardtack, you know? Okay, didn't you say there was a lake kind of near where you're at? We should take the podcast money and we should get a pirate boat. There's nobody. Well, we should just like. Yeah, walk the plank. Yeah, pillage.

That would be the funniest way to kill ourselves. Into like 10 feet deep water no it gets deep as fuck in possum kingdom yeah it gets like there's a big dam right by it oh okay so yeah it's there's like huge catfish in there oh damn did it's like hundreds of feet deep oh shit by the dam well then even better me and you. Me and you, we build a pirate ship. I don't know nothing about building a seaworthy vessel, but we can figure it out. We get the whole garb. I get a gay little scarf from Pirates of the Caribbean.

I get corn. Whatever the fuck the Johnny Depp had. They were long cornrows. I don't fucking know. Braids. Dreadlocks. But he had them historically before black people invented them. That is 100% true.

had them historically before black people invented that is 100 percent true as jack sparrow from the fictional movie pirates of the caribbean are based on the story speaking he he definitely has because that movie was set what 16 1700 so kinetically yes before african-american people adopted still that makes it funnier though yeah um buster rhymes i just want you to know man you're i'm calling you out for ripping off jack sparrow listen easy e i understand you did a lot for the culture but you need to apologize to jack sparrow did he ever have braids yeah he had like uh he just had like regular hair no he had uh we used to oh man when he was dying when we watched it straight out of comp to me my roommates like there was that scene with the doctors like eazy-e sorry to tell you you've been diagnosed with aids hiv we thought it was so fucking funny

to be like eazy-e you have braids and i was like ah it rhymes with AIDS. And, of course, I'm a fucking idiot. But anyway, pretty sure Eazy-E had braids because if he didn't, that joke doesn't – that shitty joke that's so good that I told six years ago to my roommates when we all lived together doesn't work anymore. But, yeah, no. Eazy-E, you're on notice. Coolio, on notice.

Fucking Uriah. Pop Smoke, you are no longer on notice. Pop Smoke, you're on notice coolio on notice um fucking uh you're right smoke you are no longer on notice but um pop smoke you're on notice you're eye of favor come on man you can't be doing that um who else had braids let's let's not get too into it let's not get to it i was thinking no no like we go to possum kingdom we get a boat and we like uh pillage and plunder all the like MAGA boat guys like yeah well a lot of celebrities have like boat houses like lake houses out there really yeah like Tony Romo um I think Taylor Swift has or at least had a house out there at some point Tony Romo makes sense I mean it's just like and also Taylor Swift has houses everywhere. Yeah, I think she has one here in Austin.

It's always funny when I'm like... I used to work at this... It's where she comes to experiment sexually. Yeah, with... Never mind. We're going to not. We're going to... We're going to not. Karate Sean.

We don't want to mess up our chances of having her on As our first lesbian Lesbian musician guest Yes Dude that would Have we had We haven't had a girl on Felix is on I'm just kidding

Felix is a guy Yeah Felix is a guy We haven't He's a Here's the thing We should have more boys on You made me insecure And paranoid

We gotta We gotta give the women more of a voice. But who would we have on? If you're a bitch and you're listening to this shit. And you want to come on the show. I'm just kidding. I really, you know. I'm not opposed to the idea.

I just uh you know you sound like a principal in like segregation era Alabama that's like I ain't against bringing the men to the school all I'm saying is I just get uncomfortable talking to women yeah I mean you know

they make me sweat they make me angry they make me sweat. They make me angry. They make me so fucking mad. It'd be funny if we had like one episode with, you know, whoever. Barry Weiss. Yeah, that's who it would be. And we did it like an NPR interview or whatever, like just the most respectful. Hi.

Well, we're here with our wonderful, talented guest, Eve Barlow. Hi, Eve. I was wondering, do it stank? I was wondering if I could maybe take a little peek at your clit. Mrs. Barlow, I understand that you've been called a lot. Is that her name? Yeah, that is her actual name. Mrs. Barlow, I understand that you've been called a lot of things. Is that her name? Yeah, that is her actual name.

I just vaguely know the names of journalists, and I don't really know what they do. She was not even a heavy hitter until a thousand people called her Eve Fartlow for her Zionist stuff. But I think, I mean... Is Eve Pizer a different one? Eve Pizer's a different Jewish woman. Yes. Well, you know... It helps to sort of mentally keep it in the same...

Yeah, yeah. Everybody... They all kind of group together. I wonder why... Yeah, well, you know... Anyway... Anyway... Man, this is a fascinating conversation.

Just me trying to figure out who the people are. What Jewish woman you're thinking of. What is... Natalie Portman. Patrick Swayze and Patrick Starr. Patrick Bateman. Patrick. Patrick from Podcast About List.

Patrick. Patrick Patrick. Patrick Pod. Patrick... Patrick List. Patrick. Patrick. Patrick. Patrick Pod. Patrick. Patrick List. Patrick. Patrick List. Hey, guys.

It's me, Patrick. They all change. When you start a podcast, you have to get married. Yeah. You all change your last name. I'm Thomas. I'm Thomas Time. I'm Jake Pandejo.

And you're watching a fucking Disney channel. Anyway. And you're watching Fucking Disney Channel Anyway And you're watching Jack Ass Watching You're watching You're watching pornography

You're watching black ass That's just like World star man That's like You know You're a breed on that. No, I think I'm good.

I think I, that was one of those things that I kind of just threw out there. Probably just should have kept it up top, but it's where I, you know, I was talking to, who are you talking to, man?

Let's talk to Jake the other day. And he said that the Dequan Instagram page is like CNN for certain people. I don't know. I thought that was kind of weird. I don't know what he means. Elaborate on that. In the news this week. You mind if I go over the news? It just seems like a funny thing to do.

I really do mind and I don't want you to do it, but you seem fucking dedicated. The news? Put that on Google. The news. The news. do it but you seem fucking dedicated the news put that on google the news uh oh god this is awful biden admits botching au kus rollout after call with francis macron man that is dreadful oh man dude i don't want to do i don't want to do this man Macron. Man, that is dreadful. Oh, man. Dude, I don't want to do this, man.

I literally, like, literally do anything else but this. I don't want to do this. You don't want to do this? No, I don't want to read the news with you. Well, I haven't looked at it yet. I just don't see why you don't want me to see the news i'm trying to keep you in the dark australian journalists reportedly

startled by biden's strict white house press wranglers here now from fox News six hours ago. Well, I didn't watch the news last week either. I don't have a TV. Please don't do this to me anymore. Also, do not Google news from last week. The news last week. Hmm.

Oh. They found this really ugly lady that got killed not the anyway not the gabby one but different oh terrible this is awful oh jake you're gonna hate this one what is it oh man man no i probably shouldn't even say it just say it dude let's fucking hear it china's evergrand meets crucial debt deadline but another looms fuck i hate you so jake here believe it or not um he he's been to college over you know twice you've got your bachelor's and your master's correct i think he would know more about the news than anyone right i'll ask him about debt deadlines and which ones are looming and things of that nature. Right. He doesn't know jack smack about lickety-lack.

That is true. I don't know jack smack about it. When was the last time you looked at last week's news? It's probably been like 500 years, something like that, 500, 600 years. Yeah, dude, that's because you were... And you know what? When the sheep leave the garden to the wolves, the wolves start making their own wool.

Their own what? Wool. Okay, they got that one out the second time. That's good. I said wool. The first... Say... It's wool, motherfucker, not one out the second time. That's good. I said wool. It's wool, motherfucker, not wool.

Your own wool. Wool. Wool. It's wool. It's wool. I have a motherfucker. Swole? Wool. Swole?

Wool. Wool. Swole. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this I'm sick Of your fucking nonchalant Your lackadaisical attitude This is a serious fucking job we have here now I'm trying to get fucking swole

I'm trying to get fucking swole Hey Tony I'm trying to get fucking swole You say swole Yeah I'm getting swole this You say swole? Swole. Yeah, I'm getting swole this winter. My name is Jacob, but I used to work in the oil field.

Oil. Oil field. I work in oil field. Yeah, oil field. It's all one word. It's just one word. Oil field. Yeah, you used to work in oil field. I work word. It's just one word. Ophel. Yeah, you were... You just were in Ophel. I work in Ophel.

I just work in Ophel. Me, it's... My dad got me job Ophel. You should be saying man Ophel, man. You don't... My... My dad lets me taste the oil at his job at the Ophel. I ain't no fucking water guy at the Ophel, man.

Don't say the guy man with a fucking rough neck, man. Come on, man. My dad lets me drive a forklift to Oldfield. My dad said that I was supposed to get a job and I could fire a jackbox and so my mom made him give me a job at Oldfield.

And I drive to a forklift at the warehouse at Oldfield. And all the guys they call me... Because if you're doing that, it's going to be the last thing you ever say to anybody. Dude, if you threaten me, I will put you in the fucking ground. If you make fun of me driving a forklift in the warehouse, I will fucking kill you, dude. I will fucking end you.

I will bury your shit, dog. Hey, fucking end you. I will bury your shit, dog. Hey, man, you better not be making fun of me. I'll beat the fuck out of you and kill you in front of everybody right now. I know this release is tomorrow, and also I have to make you edit it. Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, man. I know that we've been friends for eight months, but if you say something mean to me, I'm going to drive three hours, and I'm'm gonna fucking beat your fucking head in dead dude i'm gonna fucking kill

you i like that you started the friendship the moment we officially released the podcast well like i don't well we uh we are friends and we always have been as of today well when i think about like like obviously we did like three test runs before and we were like, like talking before, like playing games. But like, I always try to keep like how long the pod's been going. Cause it's like, at this point it's lasted way longer than I thought it would. And, uh, and I'm like, oh, okay. Well, I've like, I've been friends with Thomas for like a year, I guess, like close. Um, but, uh, but I forget that there was like a four or five month

period maybe a little less where i was like hey are we gonna start this show and you're like you want to like uh play like war zone and like just kind of crash cars into each other fucking like throw ammo on the ground i forget that we did that for like a little while before i think it's funnier that we don't do that now, by the way. Yeah, well, we also don't really game much. No, I mean, it was clear when we both played together. I don't know how we lasted so long. We consistently gave away our position by dumping all of our magazines into the air. We would just drive around in a big rig for like an hour and a half the whole time.

Well, you know, I'm a master of strategy in a lot of ways. A lot of ways that people can't see. Yeah, you're kind of a tactician in that way. Yeah, I'm like a surgeon. Yeah. But for war and for love. Yeah, that's fucking true, dude, for sure. So when you're a surgeon for love, what does that mean?

Can you elaborate? Do you fuck like? I like to cut open women and do experiments you're like you're on a date and you're like yeah i'm kind of like a surgeon for love you know like i really take my time and she's rolling her eyes she's like oh well like i like to you know have a full i'm gonna call it love making to make you uncomfortable. A full consensual love making ritual with a woman and then

the moment we're done with all the coitus Yeah. Put her under anesthesia and take out her gallbladder. She wakes up. I'm like don't worry. There's's nothing weird however you don't even need what i took out of you right you're not don't even don't even worry about it right yeah you don't need it no it's useless nope and hey come over next week you might be walking out

a little wonky because because i going to take your fucking appendix out. She's like, I'm not coming back here. In fact, I've called the police and you're like, I always say that. I'm like, shut up, bitch. You're going to come back, motherfucker. You're going to fucking come back. You'll come back, bitch. Shut up, bitch.

Shut up, bitch. Because listen, there's one thing I know. It's surgery and love. I'm a surgeon, I'm a tactician, and I'm a real-ass motherfucker. I thought you were just going to let it fly. I really did. I really... I kind of saw...

I thought you had this look on your face for a second. I was like, bro, almost 100 episodes in, he's going to let it fucking do second and I was like, I was like, bro, like almost a hundred episodes in, he's going to let it fucking dude. I was like, please do it. Please do it. I was like, Oh my God,

dude. The level of excitement was like when I, when you get to the top of the drop ride and right before you, you know, you hear the latch go like right before you start. I was like, please, here it comes here.

It fucking comes. I'm a real ass. At that point, it would just be like, open the floodgates. Oh, no. 100%. 100%. If you're just like nonchalant, like you didn't even give me a look. You didn't give me a look or a text like, hey, I'm going to throw it out.

Like, if you just fucking let it fly. Oh, dude. The latter half of the episode. The whole ad read. The whole fucking ad read i'd just be like yep uh-huh one uh five more ten more let's get to it god damn man i was i don't know why you just you sold that real ass so hard that i was like oh the peace is coming the fucking cherry on top the fucking like my And no, it was motherfucking.

Respect. I've never said that and I never will. I've never said it either. I've never one time. I'm on record. You can put me through a polygraph. I will pass, dude. I will pass because I've never even.

I don't even. Are we even on the same page with what word you were even thinking of? Because I'm probably thinking of a different one. Which one are you thinking? There's a bad one. Yeah, it's a bad one. There's a naughty one. There's a what if you say I lose my job.

You can't say that. I got fired for Best Buy. I said it. Somebody else. These are the TVs for all of them. Yeah. These are the best speakers for all of you These TVs over here People look like me

The TVs over there And people look like you People look like Did you come in for a subwoofer or a bass? Your eye was over there. The Pioneer speaker is only... All the way in the back. All the way in the back.

Oh, I know what you're here for. Okay, no, you don't want to charge your new phone. You're Pioneer and you want a subwoofer in your base. It's like, dude, I came here with a fucking phone charger. Why the fuck do you think I want... JBL speakers are only for people like me. Yeah, sorry, you can't buy JBL. You can buy the shitty Bluetooth one that blows out.

That's all you can afford. Racist, best buy, mentally challenged guy Oh I see you're gonna want an old iPad Or maybe a Galaxy Oh I see you You want one of the little Bluetooth speakers That connect to your belt so you can walk around the subway

With it, okay I see what you're here for You know what, I've had enough of your crap I've been trying of your crap. I've been trying to stand up to your racism this whole time. I've been trying to push you left. And all you've done is push me away. I like the idea. I've been trying to make you a better person through starting a podcast and never mentioning an improvement of any kind.

But just by not being better than you in any way. You know what wallets leftists really love? What wallet do leftists love? They absolutely fucking love the Ridge Wallet. That's fucking great. Ridge Wallet. Check this out. Ridge Wallet is the perfect front pocket wallet.

Alright? It holds up to 12 cards and it's got room for cash. I got a sick one. It's the Tropical Aluminum, but they come in a bunch of different fucking things. Yeah, I really like yours. Yeah, I know, motherfucker. You love it. I got a sick one. It's the tropical aluminum. But they come in a bunch of different fucking things. Yeah, I really like yours. Yeah, I know, motherfucker. You love it. And I love it, too.

Yeah, I think yours is really good. I'm glad that you have one. Right. And so, you know, the holidays are coming up, motherfucker. I guess in like three months. So, they've got carbon fiber. They've got burnt titanium. They've got a bunch of sick designs.

And they've got 40,000 five-star reviews. People love this fucking thing. I love it. 30 different colors and styles. And it's made with an RFID blocking chip so you can protect yourself from digital pickpocketers. Yes. And we have a coupon code, don't we, Jay? We do have a coupon code.

And the code is... You're going to want to go to Ridge.com slash Pendejo. That's P-E-N-D-E-J-O. Correct. Using coupon code. Come on. Coupon code. Using the coupon. No, no wait you can go pendejo using the coupon code you do you want to say it p-e-n p we got to make it easy for him to hear man come on no

p-e-n-dE-J D-E-J Right, you'll get 10% off everything in the fucking store. I love this fucking wallet, dude. I'm not kidding. Also, the Jeep Gladio giveaway is over. And we would like to congratulate none other than Hillary Clinton. Hillary, come on down to my apartment. And we would like to congratulate none other than Hillary Clinton. Where are the odds?

Hillary, come on down to my apartment, because I've got it right in the fucking parking lot for you, you sick bitch. I've got it in the back of my car. I've got it in a storage shed in fucking Temecula, and it's real hot, but it's parked there if you just want to fucking head on right on in. And I got the 50 grand for you. Oh, Jesus. I almost fell out of my chair.

So they got a money clip and then what's the other thing? 12 room, 12 cards plus a money clip with cash. Right. If you don't like the fucking thing, you can test drive it 45 days. You will like it. All right. If you don't though the fucking thing, you can test drive it 45 days. You will like it. Alright? If you don't, though,

you can send it back for a full refund if you do not love it. I want to say one more fucking time because these are the fucking boys. This is the fucking crew. Brought to you by fucking Ridge Wallet. Padeo time. Alright. What were you saying earlier? You're like

racist and you don't like you know, like Chinese people or something? Well, if I didn't like Chinese people that would be an ethnicity thing which has nothing to do with race. Man, that is so damn true, bro. Yeah.

That is so damn true. That is so damn true. For example, I'm not big on saudis um okay i feel like okay here racing let me ask you a question okay is it bad if they if if they if they have more money than you? Like, does it kind of cancel out? If you're like, now, hypothetically, I don't dislike the Saudis, but if I was a guy who was like, I just don't care for them, I feel like that's fine because, like, they got, like.

You know, it's funnier to me to only be racist against one little country. Okay, I see what you're saying. And not against, like, Persians or anything or anything i'm like i don't know much about uh the middle east but saudi so i can't i can spot them and i can smell them you know i'm like uh no not yeah man i definitely know what you... Could you elaborate on... He's you mini. He's not... I'm fine with him. But that fucking...

Anyway. Yeah, no, that's really racist. I don't condone that type of talk. I know, it's... Dude, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna fucking... Dude. Just wait.

I, uh... How did you, heard you have problems. What? Lately. I've been having problems? Yeah, I heard you've been having problems. Yeah, man, I've been really struggling. Yeah. I've been having a rough time.

So, you know, you know that I'm like a really like healthy guy. Yeah. I've made a lot of like correct decisions in my life. I can't think of any incorrect decisions. Yeah. And you know that like when you're so healthy and you keep making correct decisions and you don't like, and like I've never made anyone that's loved me mad in like my whole life. But that weighs on you. And eventually you start to kind of feel too good for the world.

You kind of feel too strong and too mentally powerful. Too close to Christ, really. And it's kind of like it's a burden on the soul to have never done anything wrong. Like in your whole fucking life, like ever. Yeah. But, you know, it's a cross I'm willing to bear. It's just getting tough, man. It's getting tough consistently doing everything in my life with full effort as best as I can.

And so that's just – it's just weighing on me, man. You know, it's hard being like the perfect male specimen. It's hard looking like I look, you know. It's hard having the most money that anyone's ever had. You know, all my family's alive. Like, they've never died. My grandma's like 150. I've never had a tragedy in my life.

Tragedy and trauma, I think, are kind of like their beta a little bit. I'm sure you can agree. Dude, they're kind of cuck-pilled. Yeah, they're kind of cuck-beta-pilled mode. And what's alpha is never having anyone in your life die or get sick or you betray them or vice versa like it's kind of alpha to just sort of be like immortal

and everyone in your life's immortal are you gonna google something is that why you pulled your phone out no no I wouldn't do that man keep talking I fucking can't stand you dude no like so you're saying, like, what else is going on?

No, talk about it. Thomas is looking at his fucking phone. No, dude, I'm not. I want you to talk about it. I already talked about it, man. It's your turn now. What do you feel like the biggest issue is for you in terms of long-term growth and pulling yourself out of that slump, you know?

I'm watching your eyes. No. Thomas will look me in my eyes through the camera and then look down at his phone no that's not what's going on here man what are you looking down at your notes i'm looking down at my big pussy no what's it look like big dog um a mirror that i'm looking into. Wouldn't that make you the pussy? Yeah, it does. Because I'm soft. I'm wet and I'm warm right now.

I'm a warm embrace for you as your friend to... Yeah, come on, spit it out. Doesn't that... But I want you to vent. I'm here for you, man. Vent for like... How long... Okay, before I vent, how long? Okay.

Before I vent, how long does it take you average to send the average text message or respond to it? I don't want you to think I'm texting. But hypothetically, how long would I need to vent? Like 20 seconds. Oh, okay. All right. So yeah, man, it's just been kind of difficult.

I can't hear it. It's too quiet. Okay, there we go. Oh-ho! Oh-ho! So, anyway. Anyway, now that he's probably done with all that shit You guys ever think about

What it'd be like If you could If the whole human race was at stake And you had to Fuck a tiny octopus Mr. Bomb I hate thinking about stuff like that Cause they got those teeth, you know?

It'd be gripping on your dick and pulling it deeper in. And they're so soft and gelatinous, you know? And they're probably warm in there. It'd be terrible. And they got those legs. They'd just wrap them around your waist probably and just pull your fucking cock deeper inside of them. I mean, I was taking that fucking pipe like a champ and just squirming on it and just arch, you know, just sort of arching their whole body, like shifting their weight back into you as you pump them full of your hot fucking cum.

That would be disgusting. And you couldn't even look your family in the eyes after, you know, because, you know, you've just been laying that fucking deep fucking cock right into it, you know. And you were saving the world after you know because you you know you just been laying that fucking deep fucking cock right into it you know and you were saving the world you know you're like uh will smith or whatever but but you got this little octopus and it's fucking riding your little dick like a carousel that's just not there's no honor in that you know right correct think people think they would but you get up there you see the the octopus. It's got a pussy. It looks just like your ex-girlfriend's. You don't want to see that. But you're in there, and you're fucking humping it, and you're squirting in it.

I don't know if the octopus has a clitoris, but I like to think in some world it does. And if it works the same as here on Earth, you know, maybe they got a G-spot in there. We don't know. So did you save the world or did you not, I guess is my question. This isn't for me because it's not something I've ever really thought about. But it's just something for someone else to consider. Yeah, I guess so, man. I mean, you know, if I was ever put in that situation personally, I wouldn't do it, but it seems like you'd be the type of guy.

No, me neither. You wouldn't? No. What was all that stuff earlier? I was just unbiased explaining the situation. Oh, okay. So sort of like an objective look at the abstract, right? You can either do that or you can save the world.

Why? Okay. Hold on. Okay, I misunderstood the hypothetical. You can save the world or you get to fuck that tiny octopus and everybody dies. Oh, okay. Well, now we're talking. So you're telling me I can save the world from some tragedy or

I can fuck one tiny octopus and the whole human race ceases to exist. With a really tight pussy. And you're not even sure if it's a pussy or like a stomach cavity or something. Yeah, it's just kind of like it's a hole for you to fuck.

Correct. And it's got grip on it. Not too much, you feel me? Yeah, correct. You're busting it like the it's not you're not hitting the wall as you spurt you know yeah that okay um i mean i can barely come out because it's so tight it feels like somebody's holding the clamp on it okay uh man like pressing their thumb up against that gland is... Right.

This isn't something you think about. I want to reiterate. You don't think about this. I've never thought about it before ever. Okay. All right. And I don't plan on thinking about it because it's a sick fucking situation. Correct.

That nobody should ever have to think about, but these are the times we live in. You're right. So everybody lives, no octopus fucked. Everybody dies, octopus fucked everybody dies octopus fucked correct and yeah and you have to fuck that octopus yeah everybody is gonna be normal uh man i mean it's a hard one but i think it's mostly soft it's like a it's like you know in in mythbusters whenever they shoot those uh gelatinous dummies or like the old uh right the ballistics gelatin yeah yeah right it feels like when you slide up in that well that stuff's

actually pretty dense and hard it's just the slow-mo that makes it look soft. No, it's... Growing up, I always wanted to fuck one of those dummies. The ballistics dummies? Yeah. Are you telling me that you would watch Mythbusters, and upon watching one of them get riddled with bullets, you became horny for that? I wanted to put my dick in that.

Really? In the jail stuff, yeah. Respect, man. I wouldn't say that on a broadcast uh you know i didn't want to fuck like the mouth part of it or anything you wanted to fuck the bullet hole didn't you no i just wanted like my own cube of it oh you didn't okay you didn't want a dummy to fuck just a cube of it to fuck i just wanted to see what that would feel like on my dick like Like the substance itself.

Okay, yeah, that's not that weird. I thought you would watch it. No, I didn't want to like, I didn't like see a crash test on me and be like, oh, fuck. It was like, that looks like something that would feel good on my pecker. And if it didn't, it wasn't something I would force. Right, you wouldn't just keep going you would just be one and done type deal yeah well assuming it felt bad then assuming it felt bad if it was the best thing i'd ever felt then it might get dark from there but you never know yeah i mean but we've all been there. For sure. No, no doubt.

It looked like a big, wet, hot slush. Yeah. No, they do look like that. And that is something that I definitely want to... We all want to fuck that. Right, like a hot slush. Like...

Bro, I was in it the other night, and man, it was just like a... It was like wet fudge It was like It's like Man, like You took Tiffany out last night? Yeah, bro How was it?

Dude, it was just like Like baked potato soup, dog It was just like It was like It was like When you leave oatmeal out for like a day Yeah yeah You ever get like

You ever like You know that kind of like coagulation That's on top of like the soup In a can Like the oil and fat It was kind of like that stuff But like Like really hot

Like 250 degrees Fahrenheit It was super Super hot Yeah it was like uh yeah dude it was like uh jello and like brake cleaner yeah man dude uh me and the old lady was our anniversary man and she let me she let me get some oh man that's awesome man i know it's once you're married you know it's hard yeah i get it once a year how was it this time oh it's kind of like uh like a pop tart but like like like from the fridge though like like before you put it in a toaster and then like a pop tart

and then like uh bacon grease and then a pop tart sandwich sort of deal and then the friction was like heavy grit sandpaper. It was super. I mean, bro, I was in that thing for like 16 hours. Cause I'm a real ass motherfucker. It's so funny. Dude,

it's like edging. It's so, it's a, it's like, it's like edgy just to be like, cause I'm a real ass motherfucker dude like so much at stake and you just so much at stake job fucking podcast fucking band fucking everything dude i'm like it's like when you're man i get off and i say i'm really that motherfucker

dude you ain't never met no motherfucker like me dude it's like when you're on the freeway and you have the intrusive thought of just fucking 80 miles an hour into the media. Hey! Bah! Just fucking cutting it, dude. Like, going like, I'm the realest motherfucker in here is like, ah! Ah! It's so fucking visceral, dude. It's exciting.

God damn. Man, I... Dude, if I ever do have a son i'm gonna let it drop like when my wife when she pops it out fuck dude i think i'm gonna be like i'm the realest like i'm just gonna say like what are they gonna do they're gonna cancel me like they're just gonna be confused as to why you ruined that moment. Yeah, oh dude, oh my god, she would be so mad. Like,

on the way home, taking the baby home, she's like, you could've said, like, literally anything else. Like, literally anything else

you could've said anything else. I'm sorry, but I'm a real ass motherfucker, dude, and, it's so much fun, dude. It's so much fun.

It's like Russian roulette dude It really is like Russian roulette Only like I know how many bullets are in the thing Okay And I'm spinning it It's five Yeah it's five

The week I've had it's fucking five dude Man Dude it's just knowing that I could ruin everything Yeah That it could be That it could all be gone Man you are one Funny ass motherfucker

Dude yeah you know what I'll be that motherfucker With a slick mouth dude I can't do it I can't I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it, dude. I can't do it anymore. No, I mean, I can't do this. I've seen your true colors.

Yeah? What color is that? They're looking on the motherfuckers. All right. Anyway. Anyway, that should have ended the episode because it's not going to get any better than that. But we've got about 11 minutes. We've got 11 minutes. And Kevin's in it.

I'll be there. Kevin, come here. Hey, what's up? Hey! Hi! Get out. Get out of here. Sorry, I...

Okay, I'll go. Get out. Get out. You're still in the room. I thought i could just stay in here but no get the fuck out all right sorry sorry that was kevin who's kevin little boy you keep prisoner yeah he's his little korean boy i've been teaching english i've been teaching him ways of rock and love so could you explain that yeah well i teach him led zeppelin and love. So can you explain that? Yeah, well, I teach him Led Zeppelin and I beat the fuck out of him.

You know, you got a little Korean boy chained to a radiator and you're like, Are you listening to that? Are you listening to that? Are you listening, motherfucker? You throw a baseball at him full speed. Boom. Are you listening to the fucking Robert Plant, motherfucker? To be a motherfucker. To be a boy. To be a boy.

To be kidnapped. To be a real ass. We can't. I got to get off that, dude. I got to get off. Yeah, I got to get off. You're one sick motherfucker. You're one twisted ass fucking white boy, dude.

Dude, I'd be the real ass white boy, bro. Yo, when I walk out of the room... I'd be that fella. Man. Man. Man. I swear.

I cannot hang with man they keep trying to swear i cannot with these motherfuckers man we are not the motherfuckers to play with no we are no motherfuckers with attitude brother that's anyway man how was your weekend? It's Wednesday So we've talked previously We've been talking all week No, today's going to be Thursday I got a respiratory infection from my nephew's birthday

I think I mentioned that Yeah, from blowing dick Come on, man You got a dick sucking Suck-fitation That's great, brother That's awesome You got a dick sucking succifitation. That's great, brother. That's awesome.

You got a dick sucking fucking dick in your ass and pussy. Are you finished? What? Oh, man. There's so many good potential titles for this episode.

Just throw it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, just... Anyway. Did you hear they're killing all the motherfuckers in China? killing all the all the all the motherfuckers in China

yeah they got a real motherfucker genocide going on in China yeah uh imagine I'm tired of all these motherfucking motherfuckers

some Chinese guy getting dragged away and he's like come on man y'all ain't gonna motherfuckers. Some Chinese guy getting dragged away and he's like, come on, man. Y'all ain't gonna let me worship in peace. Y'all ain't. Come on, man. I gotta go break big-ass rocks with other motherfuckers. God

damn. In the motherfucker camp. Can a motherfucker live his life in peace, motherfucker? God damn. I feel like if we keep doing this, one of us is gonna accidentally say it. No, it's not in my book yet. Come on, man. Can I just be...

I'm a regular-ass Chinese man. I'm a regular-ass Chinese motherfucker, dude. Can't a motherfucker be Chinese and peace? What y'all? What y'all? The motherfucker police? He's at the UN Human Rights Summit and he's weeping. They be killing motherfuckers out there.

They got motherfucker camps. Yeah, I'm in the UM. I'll be in the UM, brother. Because us motherfuckers got to stay in United. Yeah, it's U.M. because it's U.M. me. U.M. me, brother. United motherfuckers entertainment. No, U.M. me.

U.M. me. I get it, but it's double. It's a double motherfucker Tondra. Man, I ain't learn no fucking kung fu. You think, you want me to assimilate to your culture by learning chops and spins? Man, I ain't free in no motherfucking Hong Kong. Hey, until the motherfuckers are free. You know what?

I was just getting it out. I should really just mute my mic when I do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bad. It is? No, it's not. It's fine. Is everyone mad at me?

Yeah, everybody fucking hates you, dude. Dude. You're a real motherfucker, man. Dude. Motherfuckers in Paris? Honestly, man. Hey. Hey. Hey, cut it out.

This used to be a fucking Italian neighborhood, and now? With all these motherfuckers moving in? This used to be a family podcast. Now we're letting in all these motherfuckers. You see that sign there? Does that say dead motherfucker storage? That's how I was getting it.

Well, no, it's good that you took it from me. Yeah, no, that would be motherfucker or not motherfucker. He definitely threw that one out, but you know. Anyway. Quentin Tarantino, such an evil man. We really gotta stop him. Yeah, Quentin Tarantino Such an evil man

We really gotta stop him Yeah Quentin Tarantino Motherfucker Tino Anyway Yeah We should have a A moan off

We should not You go first Let's hear that moan Let's hear that moan Let's hear you moaning Let's hear that moan. Let's hear that moan. Let's hear you moaning. Let's hear you... That finally cleared my throat. Yeah.

I was just trying to... I wasn't... That is so bad in the cans, dude. I'm telling you, that is so fucking nasty, dude. I just barely did it. It's not good. It's not. It's not good.

It's not good. Don't do it again. It's fine. Don't do it again. Okay, that's not what... Hey guys, if you're listening, if you're listening at work, unplug the laptop. Or unplug the Bluetooth.

Put us on speaker. Alright that's enough of that Yeah that's too much I can't be doing that I forgot I could make that noise. That was nasty, brother. It's the beginning of my Bobcat impression. It's not the whole thing. The beginning of my Bobcat impression.

Well, it's not the whole thing. I'll leave the whole thing on here. The, uh... I like to think that you're the first person to ever string those words together in a sentence. Sorry, it's the beginning of my Bobcat impression. Sorry. Well, I imagine someone would probably have

a Bobcat Goldthwait impression. Doesn't he sound like a guy? No, he's got like a weirdly raspy voice It's sort of nasally And I can't really You know me I watch a lot of Bobcat Goldthwait stuff

Yeah he's a Super influential on you Yeah Now it sounds Like I Smoked roughly 17 cigarettes before starting this episode. What kind of cigarettes do you smoke, Newports? Me?

Yeah. Why would it be? Just, you know, just from one. Never mind. I'm okay. I'm sorry. Yes. You need to calm down.

We're going to get your AC fixed. Yeah, sorry, man. I'm hot, dude. I'm just getting kind of hot behind the collar, man. I'm just moaning into the microphone. You're just hot under the collar? Yeah. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. I know you have sex like once every 20 years or something, so like next time you do, make that noise. Yeah, I'll do that. Do the bobcat noise. I love that sound, man. I figured out how to make it when I was like four. I just ran with it, you know. What was going on in your life that you felt the need to make that sound, man. I figured out how to make it when I was like four.

I just ran with it, you know. What was going on in your life that you felt the need to make that sound? I did various sound effects because I played mostly outside. And I was mostly by myself. And so I would make various creatures that I was up against. Oh, you fought bobcats? No, I didn't fight real bobcats, but... And the old noggin. Right, right.

Which is your planet. Right, right, right. Watch this. I'm going to do a trick. Whoa. And then I catch myself. See that? Yeah, I did see that.

Do you want to do it again? Yeah. Barely got it. See that? Yeah, I did see that. You want to do it again? Yeah. Barely got it. See that? Woo! Woo! About to unplug my... I forgot that's a knee I messed up. I shouldn't be holding myself by that. Oh my god. That really hurts.

Hey, if you're listening to this right now, you're going to want to go over to patreon.com slash pandeo time. And you can see a picture of Jake's big old swollen pussy lips. You can. It's for patrons only. Five bucks at the fucking door. Yeah, you can also give us ten bucks

for some reason. You can give us ten dollars. We're going to do the video episode this weekend. You can give us a fucking million dollars. You can give us a thousand fucking dollars if you got it like it. Alright, Peck of Woods. Bye. See ya.