Pendejo Time - new ad reads

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

ridge wallet keeps leaving me on seen so we got some new ads but I am not sure I trust these guys. Support the Show.

Hello everybody, welcome to... Welcome... Welcome to... To the crazy... The crazy doctor show. Where we invent crazy new types of medicine. And we test it on patients live. Today's medicine...

Is a medicine I made out of gummy bears and ibuprofen. We're gonna give it to an old ass lady. She has cancer and shit. We're gonna put this shit into her bones and make them strong like a gummy bear. Meredith has leukemia and she can't afford her chemotherapy and radiation so she will be trying Thomas' ibuprofen and gummy bear treat mixture

to cure her terminal cancer. Will it work? Probably fucking not. Probably not. It never does. It never works. Everybody typically gets really sick or they die if they have some sort of terminal disease.

But that's what Cool Surgery and the Cool Doctor Show is all about. Now, Ms. Magdala, is this your first time taking medicine? Yes. Well, you've never had medicine before because you're a mark-ass bitch. And today is your day to not be a mark-ass bitch no more and to take awesome medicine that kills all the bad shit inside of you and puts something good inside of you. What is... I call it the polar express and i do i call it that because i um but because i did cocaine while i was making it i did cocaine while i was making it and i always put the ibuprofen in the freezer before i before i cut it up um i have to you have to mink all the all the ibuprofen you have to make it up with a knife and then you put it into a bowl you you add a little

gummy bear charade you mix it together freeze it down into hunks and then one hunk of gummy bear ibuprofen polar express medicine takes all the humps out of your back and puts a new line into your blood. So you're saying that this medicine will cure my leukemia? Yes, Ms. Market, that is what we are promising today. When you came into this office, your estimated lifespan was only six to six and a half months. Right. That's what I said in the form. Yeah, it was such a specific.

They know so specifically now. Six to six and a half. 178 days, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, and so I'm really relying on you, cool doctor, to save my life. I don't want to die. If there's one thing you can rely on, ma'am, it's me. I didn't go to the Tampa Bay School of being a doctor

and the medicine organization business for nothing. And you're looking at a guy who not only went to anesthetician school, but also is a registered Volvo mechanic. So I can work your body inside and out like a Volvo Marvin. And Ms. Margus, I will use our special medicine created by a formula by the same producers of Despicable Me. And with this formula, we are going to shock your bones and put a brand new organ in you today.

Do you like the sound of that? your bones and put a brand new organ in you today do you like the sound of that what is it specifically chemically about gummy bears and ibuprofen that cures blood cancer well ma'am perhaps you hadn't noticed because you're not a fucking doctor at all that there's only one i in ibuprofen and gummy bears if you're going with the traditional spelling of gummy bears in which the gummy has a y that's how i've always spelled it so between those two words there's only one i and do you think that i stands for you marvin i don't fucking think so i that I stands for you, Marvin? I don't fucking think so. I think it stands for me. And I think I, as in ibuprofen and gummy bear, am the one who invented this.

If you'll notice, there's also only one I in invention. And there's two I's in invention. And they stand for my eyes, because I see what needs to be invented. There's not four eyes. I understand how to spell, but my concern isn't the spelling of very simple words. My concern is that I'm dying.

I've made that apparent to you and everybody here at this radio station, and I want to at least have some chance of living. And I don't understand scientifically how a gummy bear mixed with a Walgreens brand Advil will cure my terminal blood cancers. Right. Well, the thing with terminal cancers is, ma'am, and if you don't mind me saying, you know, you look really bad today because of how sick you are.

But if you want to get better fast in one second, and if you want the cure to make your milk miracle to make a miracle out of something that nobody has ever seen with the technology developed over the course of over right here in tampa bay florida home of the buccaneers and if you think that ibuprofen and a gummy bear can't cure a sickness maybe you've never looked at maybe you've never been to medical spa school but with with this technology, respectfully speaking, it will knock the white out of your ass and replace it with red. And that red stands for the blood of the medicine. Ibuprofen is clay colored. And clay is known for retaining moisture.

Whenever bones have cancer, it keeps the moisture from being in there, which is why the bone turns white, thus creating a skeleton into your body. Ma'am, if I told you that I could use a thousand years worth of technology and turn all the bones in your in your skillings back into red like dirt like ibuprofen and like red gummy bear and it could live for another thousand years would you like that marv i'm starting to get the idea that maybe that maybe I've been misled in some way. That maybe my hope for living sort of overshadowed my skeptic's mind. Well, that is a stupid-ass thing to say.

And I think you need to take any... You know, when you look at what a doctor is... There's an Advil on the way here from the 7-Eleven. This is Florida. They're on every block. Yes. But if you want to get stronger every day, to get 100 times stronger, and if you want to be able to lift a huge weight with your butt and with your hand at the same time using technology that

nobody has ever seen before using the ibu gummy technology we will insert a gumi ray into the back of your head using ibu therapy and gumi and gumi scans we will do a gummy bear demolition on your orbital bone. And what we're going to do is we're going to scan all of the phthalates out of your blood, replace it, take all your white blood cells out, ma'am, with IB technology. And what if I told you that by the end of this process for only 70 million dollars you could be the proud owner of a 2001 corvette here there's another issue i was told this was free therapy i can't afford radiation so why would i be able to afford $70 million worth of gummies? Ma'am, with all due respect, you pay for radiation every day with a cell phone, with microwaves, with using the road,

with using a Kleenex, which is what they put energies into. What if I told you that for only $10, you could get all this technology and more? And with the iBew gummy rays, what if I told you it could put gummy technology on the bottoms of your foot and make it bounce when you stepped to make it jump high and to jump over a tree? And what if I told you, ma'am, that we tested all this medicine a whole bottle of it on a baby lamb and it survived for over 13 hours i hear okay um i don't really need to hear any more elevator pitches about the ib i'd be gummy it more than tripled the lifespan of the lamb since my friend hit it with his lawnmower accidentally.

I understand. Listen, I don't really need you to explain any more about it. I kind of think that I'll just take, just give me the gummy and give me the ibuprofen and I'll see if it cures my cancers. Here you go, Mart. Here you go. My name is Eleanor. That was my son's name. So how long does it take to take into effect? So, how long does it take to take into effect?

Usually, it only takes six and a half months to seven months to have any effect. Okay, so the problem is that's exactly how long I've been given to live. So, I guess I'll come back to the radio station if I'm alive and if I'm dead, you'll know that it didn't work. Sounds awesome. Bye, bitch. And

for your free $100 trial of iBugummyMedicine.com, go to iBugummyRayTechnology for Science of Florida Institute of Technology, StateUniversity.com, and get your free $100 pillow to use. It's full of gummy bear and ibuprofen. And you sleep on it. But a fair warning. Too many people have been putting the iBugummy pillow on their roof.

And it melts. So don't do that. Don't sleep on the roof with the iBugummy pillow. These lawsuits are killing us i would have put a heat protective pillowcase in the package if i knew you guys slept on roofs like that any other questions are you still are you are you still talking you told, bitch. I was heading out the door. I don't need any pillows. I just need to go home and get some rest. Do you want one for free?

No. They're like 70 pounds. They're very expensive to ship. I'll take one, sure. I guess so. Okay, good day. Back to our ads. Do you want a pillow that can kill your wife?

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He's a very shady individual. Really, really terrifying. He was about 10 feet tall, like 110 pounds. He had no eyes. But you know what they say, you know, never judge a book by its cover. He was 10 feet tall, pale, no eyes, and just his mouth was a red hole. He had a really nice kind of yellow suit on. He spoke a very strange language, but he had a translator with him.

He said the only way they could pay us is in ancient runes. So I would have to figure out some sort of exchange. You say ancient? Ancient runes. Yeah, like old types of rubies and stones. I've been having a discussion lately. Okay.

Because I've always said ancient. Well, then you've just been saying it incorrectly your whole life really not really possible at this stage in life it has this it has a silent it has an invisible k in it i don't think that you know i actually i'm 100 they say that's what they say in Lord of the Rings and stuff, probably. Nope. They say, oh, look, it's an ancient ritual. I ain't about to hear any of that stupid shit. I didn't come up with it.

That's how everybody says it, except for you, I guess. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong. Two other people. Maybe I've been wrong my whole life. If you pronounce it normally, you can DM Jake and let him know that he's wrong about that one. But it's ancient. That's how scholars say it. Are you a scholar? Yeah, I'm a fucking scholar.

I'm a scholar of fucking getting money. Getting money and getting fucking paid, dude. Getting fucking checks. Yeah. Check scholar. Yeah, I studied the money. That's what I studied. getting money and getting fucking paid dude getting fucking checks yeah check scholar yeah i studied i studied the money that's what i study i got a phd in checks brother i don't know i oh you got a phd in neuroscience that's that's really sick uh i got a phd in getting yeah i got a phd pretty high that dollar amount gallery salary yeah yeah uh that's why we call them dollars because it's almost salary paid honcho dinero yeah that's what it is yeah i got it i got a fucking mba making uh making boys act up make it no making nah that's not how i meant that one

no it's like when they see how much money i got it's not yeah nba i got make it boys anxious no that's not what i meant at all i meant making you said it you said it correctly that time you said ancient yeah yeah i got a uh i got an md the other day um mucho dollar and uh and then i got a um mcs making cash sucker and then i got a mW. Moolah, son. Woo! That was the type of stuff that I got. Those are the degrees that I got. Yeah, I got, I'm a CPA. Chinese penis anus.

That's good. That's good, man. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I thought that I did. Obviously, I got it. Christian Pussy Assassin. Yeah, that's a good one. Just in youth group, like 2012.

Yeah, yeah. Your dad's got a CPA. He works for the city.? Like, yeah, 2012. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad's got a CPA. He works for the city. I got a CPA, too. It's like, oh, you're really... You have a CPA. Yeah, like, I'm a Christian pussy assassin. Like, I...

Yeah, why do you think I'm here in a youth group at 33 years old? You know, surprise. Yeah, I'm in public CPA and creating, causing penis adjustments. Yeah, I, yeah,

you know, got my JD. Oh, you're a lawyer? No, just jacking dogs brother just taking him to town

getting him tugged I uh when I was yeah I got my GED getting eaten by dogs they're like asking you like jacking in the box like it's implying for a job you finished high school nah i got my ged though like oh that's that's good yeah get eaten dog get eaten by one great eater though

yeah that's the type i'm trying to think of other degrees. Shit. BS. Big. Big. Big sex. Big sex. Yeah.

Yeah, I got a BS. Boys soccer. I used to play that shit. I went to art school to get my MFA. Oh, nice, nice. Yeah. Munchin' for ass. That's so fucking stupid.

Munchin' for ass, son. Oh, yeah. They give it to you after a couple years at the Cooper Union. Yeah, I got an MFA. Monkey, funky, unky. Everybody's like, oh, that's a you. Nah.

Not where I'm from. Man, I'm fucking anxious, dude. That's the MFA, brother. I don't feel so good. Yeah. What did I get mine in? Oh, it was a Masters of MMA. Masters.

Masters of... It's center. Dude, I didn't... I had a friend who went to seminary school. Not a friend, I just know him. You can get a master's in divinities. That's what a lot of guys who become... Because you can be a preacher just by being a guy around a church, but a lot of preachers,

some of them now will have Masters of Divinities. I always thought that sounded way too cool of a degree to get to just be a Baptist, a guy that runs a church. Masters of Divinities sounds like some College of Winterhold Skyrim shit. I've been studying Divinities.

I've been doing my spells and shit. Are there different theological like christian theological masters you can get you can get an m so there's masters of theology there's masters of divinities you go to seminary school i think you can get just like an mba like a master's in biblical studies like uh i had one of my professors had like all of those things and when i was in college he just which like dude like i don't know like you read the bible that fucking much like i don't know it is funny to me to think that like some people study that shit just to like figure out like if if jesus and mary were sucking and fuck you know what i mean like

there are certain questions that go unanswered in like biblical canon and the history the historicity of jesus jesus's life and one of those is like you know did he ever get any pussy uh and as far as we know the answer to that is no which he's not my savior dude 33 years old never got no trim the fuck out of here dude i'm not i'm yeah it's tough yeah i'm just doing an open mic at like the vatican y'all be out here reading about an old ass motherfucker what never got no tang dude yeah i've been hitting soundboard noises while jake is talking but y'all can't they don't have okay audacity's uh they do have noises you can make in there but they're very grating it's like like there's there's no good that was really loud actually

uh do you want to do it again? Yeah. Let's see what this is. That's chomping noises. People got mad at us last time. That's the exact noise I used to. Yeah, it was fucked up. It was... Play the guitar riff. Okay, here we go.

That's pretty good. Let's see what this one is. Yeah. that's pretty good let's see what this one is yeah okay that's cool that's cool it's good it's good we have stuff like that

mmhmm I don't know how we even have sounds in this one this uh this discord is not the same one as the

you know nobody gives a fuck about that anyway um shit uh yeah i i uh oh i was gonna say um i tried to uh when i was at a library in elementary school i had like a couple dollars my mom had given me for lunch and uh like a week they had taken us to the library to learn how to use the copy machine just like here's you're gonna use this a lot in your adult life which like that stupid like it was one of those big ass copiers it was like i've never fucking used one because they don't have that it's stupid and they make small ones now anyway um i went to the library and i was like

damn if i have two dollars and i copy this money i could have like a thousand dollars so i just put it in a copy machine and uh it there's a thing that copy machines have where it doesn't let you do that like it just prints it out uh with blank paper but the um i guess the library i was like there we went into like get books and i like the whole class i think i was like third or fourth grade and um it's like ar some shit and i stepped away from the group to try to counterfeit money like in my mind my an eight or nine year old mind it wasn't illegal it i had i was the first person i remember having like what i thought was a profound real i was like dude if i got two dollars from my mom and I copy this, I could have $4.

And that's basically the money that the president gets. I was just like a little stupid kid and I'm just sitting there just trying to figure out ways to print this money and it doesn't work. It's not copying it. And the librarian or I think it was a teacher. I don't remember. A teacher librarian came over there and was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm trying to copy a bunch of money and give it to my mom. She was like, stop.

I'm not allowed to do that. And I was like, but if you put the copy, if you put the money in the copy machine and it copies more money, then you get to have it. It's free money. You don't have to go to a job like an adult does. Hey, bitch. I don't know if you ever heard of this before. Free money. But I'm trying to get job like an adult does. Hey, bitch. I don't know if you ever heard of this before. Free money. But I'm trying to get us all out of here.

We're going to be eating good at the lunch table. I'm trying to get us out of fucking Parkwood Elementary in Pasadena, Texas, bitch. You think that I'm... I'm trying to get you to eat. You're not listening to me. You want chocolate milk or no? You want chocolate milk?

Because in the end, the haters will not be getting chocolate milk. no you want chocolate in the end the haters will not be getting chocolate milk i tell you that much dude they'll be getting vanilla milk i posted on on twitter about like you know the military coming to um like high schools really early in the morning and like setting up pull-up bars for people to like do pull-up competitions and they try to recruit you after you do your pull-ups and how they fed us shit. We had frozen cheese sticks and old milk at 6 a.m. People were like, this is bullshit.

No one grew up like this. This is a lie. I wanted to make it known that I don't know if you went to a high school in a nice area or in Europe. I understand that in Europe you guys get three square meals a day and you start at a reasonable hour. High school in like a shitty part of town in America, you're there at 6.30 in the morning. And yeah, they feed you like froze dried like nasty ass patties and cheese sticks at like 6.50 in the morning. And all the little cartons of milk are expired.

And then the military comes in, some recruiters come in, and they try to get you to join the Marines before the sun's up. People were like, dude, you're exaggerating. This isn't how it is. It's 100% how it is.

It kind of pissed me off. Don't fucking tell me that I didn't live my own life, motherfucker. I'm sorry. Yeah, your lived experiences are valid, Jake. I know. How does it make you feel when people try to invalidate what you've been through?

I get mad, dude, because I'm like, listen, you know, I didn't want to join the Marines, but they had a cool pull-up bar. I didn't join the Marines. They did. It would have been cool if one of us, I don't actually know, I think one of us probably would have killed ourselves if we went. Yeah. Probably.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. we would have killed ourselves if we went. Yeah. Probably. Anyway, it doesn't matter. And, you know, this anger, do you think it stems from a sense of jealousy? Do you think you... Are you bitter about having to have gone through that?

I think I won more than anything in my life. I wanted to go to the high school from Zoey 101 a show on Nickelodeon. And turns out it's a university in California where they film that. I wanted to have a high school experience

from the TV where you do a kickflip and Tony Hawk is like that's a great kickflip. Do you want to come be my son? And you're like yeah. I do want to be your son Tony. Thanks for asking. And then you go and you then Tony Hawk is like that's a great kickflip do you want to come be my son and then you're like yeah I do want to be your son Tony thanks for asking

and then you go and you be Tony Hawk's son instead of you know whoever I was or whatever the fuck I mean things were pretty tough for me growing up I went to Calabasas High School it's a little place kind of on the outskirts of LA and I went there

and I used to get bullied in Calabasas because I had more money than everybody else. Right. And my parents are both famous actors and actresses. My mom is Angelina Jolie, and my dad is Brad Pitt. And so people would say, thomas thomas pitt you're so rich you are full of shit and that was their their uh playtime uh jab at me i hated their their jabs their jibes. Right, right, right. Yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, I used to go home on my Rolls Royce bicycle every day and just cry. And I would just ride up to our house, our mansion in the mountains, and I would just bang on the castle gate. I would just say, why did I end up like this? Mama, papa, please. And our butler would let me in and then I would get ice cream for free. And then he'd have sex with you.

No. Oh, okay. I was just checking. Maybe. I don't know. I never asked. No. Do you think rich people.

You're a blowjob, Master Wayne. You're a piece of my ass, Master Wayne. Master Wayne, your pussy is ready. I'll just leave it. Will you be dining in the pussy cave tonight? I'll leave your pussy by the door, Master Wayne. Master Bruce.

Your penis, Master Bruce. It's getting cold. I'll slide your penis under the door. Good night, Master Bruce. Just put it through the trapdoor, Alfred. It's just some guy off Grindr. I don't care. Master Wayne,

you do realize you're the only person who lives within five square miles of this of the Wayne estate so putting DL in your bio is not really super effective also you have a

Batman mask on in your picture you're dressed like Batman but you have a batman mask on in your picture you're dressed like batman but you have your penis out if you i just i don't i don't mean to be rude monster bruce but if you have sex with young gay black men in the bat cave do you think they won't be able to figure out that that you're a batman and also bruce wayne because no one else is down here, really. Aside from Robin. But, you know. Ever since I fell down that well and all those bats fucked me. I just haven't been the same.

Yeah. That's the type of stuff that we do. Yeah. You know. I actually had a friend who was a bat growing up and it was always funny because he could only really hang out at night but sometimes we would hang out under the bridge together like we'd both hang upside down yeah funny right because if you've ever eaten like with a bat family um it's always funny because they'll eat hanging upside down and they act like that's just normal for them so when a bat is right side up whenever they fly you know it feels like you know imagine driving upside down you know

so that was always funny growing up but i never they never gave me any shit for being a human you know that's good. Interspecies discrimination is a big problem. And I'm glad that you were never subjected to that by them. Bats are good people. Yeah. I wish they lived longer. Master Bruce, you'll do well.

Master Bruce. Master Bruce Master Bruce Your hot pocket is ready And I put Spongebob on the TV On the telly Yeah he gets a traumatic brain injury From fighting Bane Your fruit roll ups

Master Bruce I've cut up your hot dogs for you Bruce Thank you Upward Upward thank you. Crime has destroyed me. Crime has made me very CP. Where are the Skittles? Take me to the Skittles.

That's not a good thing to say, but it's okay. Anyway, you know, what if... What if, you know, the batman who you know right as uh as an american uh billionaire what if he actually instead um what if he was a little bit different what if he was a leftist yeah what if he was a left-wing what if he was a left-wing creative writing major from New York who loved women and treated them equally? Yeah, that would be...

Christ, that would be so funny. I don't know how I didn't think of that. It's so funny. What if he was in the DSA? You're black and mild, Master Wayne. You're black and mild. You're Newport's Master Wayne. What if he was a stoner?

That's what I'm saying. Your White Owl's master, Wayne. Your Dutchie's master, Bruce. Just pass upon the left hand side. The Joker's taken over Batman. Your gelato, Master Wayne. I asked for Zaza. Master Wayne, I could only find pre-rolls of the gelato.

I couldn't find any pre-rolls of the Zaza. I could find some Obama rants, Master Wayne. Would those beat your liking? Whatever works is fine. Zaza's fine. Oh, Batman. Your Delta-8 gummy bear. You thought Obama rants

were your ally? I've been smoking bigger and badder since I was a child. Your pack means nothing to me. Your bong rips are weak. And you can't smoke good or better than me. Oh, are you rolling a gorilla frontal?

Huh. I could chief that in one puff. Where did he train? The League of Shadows? League of Fat Hoes? League of Shadows, but from the shadows or from smoke? He's trying to do the bit in real time. Sorry, I'm being overcome by some sort of...

I'm being compelled by some force. League of Shadows, but it's fat hoes, and I have sex with them. Oh, so the Ra's al Ghul, it's the... The weed I smoke. The smoke... The... The Ra's al...

The Ra'saza Ghul. Bane, I don't understand. I thought you were a formidable opponent. I don't... You're talking strangely, Bane. I was wondering which would break first. Your spirit... Or my dab rig?

Yeah, Stoner Bane's awesome. He's a great, great guy. I'm warming up a dab for you before we fight, Batman. Let's get stupid gay high. Yeah. Gotham will smoke with me. Who's trying to match? Once Gotham is ashes,

then you'll have my permission to smoke. My father was a stoner. You want to know how I got this pack? You want to know how I got these bars? Anyway. This is good stuff right there.

Yeah, the problem is that people might say, hey, you know, Joker voice, Bane voice. We've heard all this stuff before. The problem is you've never heard Bane smoking weed. You've never heard Joker doing Xanax. You've never heard Bane smoking weed. You've never heard Joker doing Xanax. You've never heard Batman getting Grindr guys down to his Batcave

and they find out that it's him because there's only one Batcave and there's only one Batman and there's only one bat cave and there's only one batman and there's only one bruce wayne um but uh yeah you know you know how it is you know what i hate that they made the little mermaid a different a different person that they know yeah how'd they change her yeah they made can you believe this they made her. Wow. What does she look like now? Heavy brow ridge, kind of dirty blonde hair. Let me see how she looks. New.

Let me see. I haven't looked. New. New. Oh, I see. I see. Well, that's nice. Oh, I see See Well That's That's nice

That's okay You know That's alright I'm sure, you know I'm sure that worked out fine Right I'm sure nobody's mad You know

Right Well, the thing that bothered me. Is her fin and everything the same? Was her what? Her fin. Yeah, nothing changed about her. I don't think that anything else changed about her. A whole new fish.

What are you doing, man? Nothing. Oh, okay. If you were fucking with me. But, you know, I was curious. Yeah. They need to make some more. Man, I've been starving for some new Pixar movies.

I need it bad. Let's check out some reviews for Little Mermaid 2023 Let's just see what people are saying Let's just see What people are saying about more audience reviews You know nowadays They'd probably rather call it the Little Woke Maid Yeah

Yeah Here's the plot in this one A young mermaid Makes a deal with a sea witch To trade her beautiful voice For human legs So she can discover The world above water

And impress a prince That's not how the last one Went at all In the last one I remember She had to Basically a whole school of fish Had to run a train on her

It was horrible You remember? In the first Little Mermaid? It was awful. Yeah, I remember watching the cartoon when I was a kid, but I thought it was stupid and it was for girls, but I'm glad that you watched it. I'm glad that you related to it.

I'll say something that's a little ahead of its time. Yeah, sure. All fish are black people to me. You know what I mean? Hey, check this shit out. As usual, very predictable, unnecessary, non-catchy songs. Added dialogues like You Go Girl for the women empowerment scenes. Added characters and unpleasant changed plot twists.

By the way, Eric is not a prince, but an adopted child to a black queen. No offense. Let's see. I was watching Bridgerton. King Triton portrayed Nick Cannon with seven children. All of different baby moms. What the fuck? Jesus Christ.

People. Made $570 million. That's nice. That's a lot of money. I've never made that much money in my life. I never will. This guy thinks Halle Berry was the Little Mermaid. I think that's a lot of money. I've never made that much money in my life. I never would. This guy thinks Halle Berry was the Little Mermaid. I think that's just him being racist.

No, it's her daughter, I think. The main chick, Halle Berry, can't sing. No, I think that's just him. No, Halle Bailey. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Haley Bailey. Halle.

Halle Bailey. Okay, this. Haley Bailey. Haley. Haley Bailey. Okay, this is not. Was there somebody related to. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? I've lost track of celebrities. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. That's okay.

You know, Jake, I think they should have cast you in there. Here's the thing. I always thought that a gender bent Little Mermaid about a guy from Houston, Texas, who can't seem to get his life together, would have really resonated with a lot of people. How about a guy who falls in love with a fish and he trades his legs so he can bang a fish? Yeah, I'm hanging out in Galveston. It's just like a two and a half hour. I see a dolphin.

You want to get that pipe in. Yeah, I'm getting drunk as shit. But it's just swimming away. On the seawall and I just see a really hot-ass dolphin. And I'm like, you know, the seawall, and I just see a really hot-ass dolphin. And I'm like, you know, my life is in shambles anyway. Drinking Mad Dog on the beach on a Wednesday. I'm going to try to go out there and fuck that dolphin.

And then I get eaten by a bull shark, and it's just sort of the movie. It's about ten minutes long. Seven of it is me struggling to not die from shark bites. Right. In the end, it's romantic because to not die from shark bites. Right. In the end, it's romantic because you both die from an oil spill. Yeah, we both get got. The Enchanting Tale of the Little Mermaid. Let's check the two stars.

You don't see many movies about fish women wanting to fuck humans anymore. Yeah, I mean, Free Willy was a pretty good one. Him and that kid. Did they bang? Yeah, I think at the end. It was like a mid-credit scene or something. Oh, okay. Actually, they kind of stole my idea for the movie.

They stole your idea of Free Willy? Yeah, in 1993. Before I was born? Yeah, in 1993. Yeah. Before I was born. Yeah, it was... I had an idea for a movie, and it was a real... We were going to have a real killer whale that could dance. Okay. And it was going to be underwater choreography, basically.

And it was going to be about two... All the characters were going to be killer whales. Okay. And they were all going to be about two. All the characters were going to be killer whales. Okay. And they were all going to be real. Okay. And it was going to be about two killer whales that started a shell-finding business together as friends. And then eventually they become more than friends. Okay.

they become more than friends okay because they start eating uh um seaweed that has a love potion in it that a princess spilled into the ocean okay do you like that idea you have to train all the killer whales to act and all the camera crew would have to be underwater breathing trained to save on oxygen. Okay. I don't think I like that idea at all. You don't like it? No. I think the problem is that I don't – I think – and I don't mean to be rude here,

but I think creatively everything that comes out of your mind is really bad. And I think that you should consider pursuing maybe other avenues of expression. Don't do anything like making movies or painting. Maybe you could try putting a square peg into a square slot. Maybe you could try a two-sided Rubik's Cube. It might be something in your speed. You could try putting a condom on. I think maybe that would be a good puzzle for you how about i had another movie idea it's about a squirrel okay with the highest sex drive in the squirrel kingdom okay and he needs to he needs to bust one off constantly okay but all the other squirrels all they care about is finding

the biggest acorn right and this this squirrel he's trying to be cool and he's trying to get his nut off constantly and so basically it's him fucking all the other squirrels okay and they're trying to it's about two hours no they don't he not him but all the other The other squirrels Are trying to eat And he It's about the first Squirrel to ever Hit it doggy style Right Right right Okay

And then it has It's a 10 hour movie Where he's doing it Do you like that? I don't think I would man But I mean Actually you know what

You would watch it though You'd watch it Yeah I'd watch it I've watched a lot of movies I think everybody listening Would watch it That I didn't really enjoy But I wanted to just Give it a try You would watch it, though. You'd watch it. Yeah, I'd watch it. I've watched a lot of movies. I think everybody listening would watch it. That I didn't really enjoy, but I wanted to just give it a try. You would enjoy it because it would star you. But you would have to get shrunk down by the camera.

But we couldn't afford to shrink everybody down with a camera, so you would have to have sex with all the squirrels. I don't think that that would. I mean, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I think a lot of people in my life would be mad at me. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I think a lot of people in my life would be mad at me. Yeah, but think about what Chloe Savini did for the thing with Vincent Gaia or whatever. The brown bunny thing.

She blew him on camera. Didn't that end up being fake? That wasn't his penis? That was like an urban myth? No, that was real. They were dating at the time. Really? Yeah.

I thought I remember reading somewhere that that was not his penis. Well, you read wrong. He got mad because everybody was like, your penis isn't that big. And he was like, fuck you or something. No, I'm pretty sure it was his penis. Did you ever see that movie Grind? I never saw the movie. Did you ever see that movie Grind?

The skateboarding movie? No. I can't say I did. It's like an old movie. It was pretty popular in the early 2000s. Anyway, I only bring it up because one of the main characters in that movie, one of the main guys, he's like the comedic relief. He's like the stupid kind of stoner.

Like four or five years ago, my buddy worked with him at a coffee shop. He was just like old. Like just, like just, you know, the residuals weren't enough or whatever. And, uh, his name is Vince something.

Vince. I don't remember. Anyway, he was just telling me, he's like, I was like, he was like, you remember that movie grind?

And I was like, yeah, he's like, you know, the guy who's like, he's got like the punk shirt on and he's got like his arm in a cast. And he's like the stoner, like comedic relief, like the bro type.

I was like, yeah, he's like, he's my manager at the coffee shop. And I was like, what? He was like, yeah, he just tells girls that weren't even born. Like they were born after that movie. He's like, yeah, I was in it. I'm an actor. You can see a picture of him if you Google a movie grind. Apparently he was a real goofball.

And I was like, yeah, you know, I used to be in the movies. It's something I gave up, you know. What's his first name? Vince something. Vince Villouf? Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Very nice. Hold on. Let me see here. I don't remember if I fed the dog. I don't think I did.

No, I did not feed the dog. Another swing and a miss for Jake. Not feeding his animals. It's been two weeks and he hasn't fed Dolly yet Dolly's very hungry She's a very big girl, she'll be alright Last time I went there And I hate to tell you guys

But Jake had not been taking care of Dolly And all her teeth had fallen out On the ground And she had human teeth Which was really the scariest part She was spitting human teeth out onto the carpet. Yeah. We tried this thing where I switched my teeth with hers.

It didn't work out too good. But she's a fat little fucking stinky ass bug. She's a good, she's all right. She's a good gal. She's a good gal. Dude, she loves Thomas. Every time Thomas comes over, she just wants to sit by Thomas. She does for good gal. She's a good gal. Dude, she loves Thomas. Every time Thomas comes over, she just wants to sit by Thomas.

She does for a while. She doesn't like to sit with me for very long. That's everybody, dude. We'll be like, Dolly, come to bed, and she'll go to the guest room. She's fucking annoying. Yeah, but I mean, it's fine. She creates a lot of warmth. So in the summer, it's nice for her to be there for a few minutes,

and then you part ways. She's a hot-ass dog. Yeah. I could have phrased that in a different way. Our cats will just curl up in one spot on your lap and create like... 10 BTUs of heat. Yeah, it's like you could cook a chicken on there. Yeah.

The cats just kind of view me, I think, as like a known visitor. I think Lily's pretty... No, they like you more than... I mean, they're more used to you than most people, I'd say. But they're not super... They're curious, but it takes them a long time to like... It took them a long time to like, it took them a long time to warm up to us.

Um, yeah, I didn't, um, they just like me cause I feed them. Uh, I didn't, I forgot to feed the dog is what I was trying to say.

Uh, um, uh, did not feed. It smells like some trouble. Uh, actually he's hitting him. Ashley says it smells like body odor in actually he's hitting him actually says it smells like body odor in the office it's because i haven't showered in a couple days all right it's

fine uh it smells like bo in there laughing my ass off thanks babe you know it's uh when you're yeah bo boys are awesome boys awesome big yeah does it stink? does it stink like shit in here? you can smell my body my butt and my balls and my armpits

this is my gamer zone dude get out of the gamer cave this is like that one clip where the's mom comes in and she's like, Go to the bathroom! Go to the bathroom! He's like, not yet. No. There's shit coming out of your asshole!

I'm stumped. I don't know. Are you putting incense in here? Come on, don't be dramatic, dude. She's burning her demons away. It's only been like two days since I've showered, I think. Maybe three. What's today, Wednesday?

Okay, well then don't come in here. This is the man cave. This is where I do my man stuff. This is where I come in here and I make fucking rock and roll. I podcast. This is where the magic happens. This is where the magic happens. This is how we get trips. This is how we do LA shows. This is how we do

fucking... Oh yeah, it's... We got a little bit of time left. I won't plug it to the end. They got back to us. I have to respond to our accountant and I have to respond to that guy. That's okay. You can probably take a shower first.

I don't think he's that urgent. Yeah, Jake, I think you need to script. Well, dude, I saw the email and we were supposed to have paid that fucking fine by September 11th. So I don't know. Yeah, that's fine. We'll figure it out. That's fine.

We'll figure it out. I saw it too. Who gives a shit? Dude, it stresses me out, bro. Like, you know what I mean, dude? It doesn't. They expected us to pay a bill on 9-11 when that horrible tragedy happened. That's what I was thinking about on 9-11.

They were thinking about their damn money, about the event that they caused. Right. God knows the IRS had some agents back in the headquarters. Do you think, now here's my thing. After 9-11, you'd think more people who work in Skyrises would bring a parachute to work. That is kind of. Parachutes are expensive, I think. I mean, if you work at a sky rise, you're probably making good cheese.

Also, it fucking hurts like crazy to throw yourself out of a window. Yeah, but would you rather burn to death or fucking land on the concrete? Like, pick your poison. I'd rather be on fire and then jump out and experience the pain of both. Because I'm so twisted. No, because imagine how fast you would fucking burn up falling down

if you're already a little on fire. All the oxygen. You'd turn into a big fireball. Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. That'd be sick. I would probably, honestly, I would probably just start touching everybody In the office

Yeah I would just start grabbing everybody's nose And grabbing their ears and I'd say We're all gonna die Actually my last thing I would do Is I would probably get on discord And I would just hang out What's up y'all

What's up 9-11's happening Yeah yeah 9-11's happening. Yeah, yeah, 9-11's happening. A good 20 years. Hey, stinky butt. Honestly, if 9-11 happened to me, I would probably just move on. Yeah. I would just forgive them instantly and move on. Or I would probably, honestly, if I saw that first plane coming,

I would just get straight on the elevator. Yeah, I mean, how long does it take an elevator, and then how long does it take a plane to reach? Like, if you see it in the horizon, you know that a plane is coming. It's going to hit the building. It's not supposed to. Can you imagine? There had to be one guy who saw the first plane hit.

No, who first plane hit, and he goes, fuck, where's the elevator? Dude, I was reading about, there's an article that came out fairly i don't know maybe like the last five years or whatever but so when the plane hit the the the first tower uh this guy who wrote the article was working in the second tower and uh he i forget what company there's a bunch of companies that rented space there but anyway he said his boss was like a hard ass so the plane hits the first tower

and like they just they hear people running down the stairs of the tower that they're in the plane has not hit the tower or whatever and you know

he's like fucking trying to email his wife and he's like pulling his phone out or whatever getting on the fucking phone and the phone lines are jammed because everybody's trying to call out and uh and before the second plane hits or whatever he like stands up and he's like i'm getting the fuck out of here

and people were like yeah and this bought their boss was like they're not gonna crash it's not you guys need to sit back down where this it's just that's just one like the guy was saying like real article the guy was saying like no they article. The guy was saying, like, no, they're not. We're not leaving. Like, it's too much chaos down there. You guys are going to get hurt. There's debris. Just stay here.

It's really safe. And plus, you know, like, you know, you're not going to leave work or whatever the fuck. And the guy was like, suck my dick. I'm getting out of here. The guy was like, OK, but I'm letting you know. Plane's not going to hit this building. Scary, I'm sure it's scary, but it's probably way more dangerous down there

with all the people running around in the debris. So do it your own will, but, you know, I'll see you tomorrow morning or whatever the fuck. And then he sprints down the stairwell, makes it down to the front, runs across the street, and the fucking second plane hits the Christ. Hits the fucking building. And he's like, like he was saying in the article, he was like, I quite legitimately like made it across the street to like a coffee shop.

And was like, people were crying and freaking the fuck out. There was already people like jumping from the other building or whatever. And he said it hit like 20 or 30 stories under like where like a lot of people like die. Like people that he knew. This is the sad part. But like, dude, like like i've had some shitty bosses in my life and that that guy's last moment so he was like man all right guys fun time's over all right back to work you're right right just like if he's if you stay late tonight, I'll get everybody a free coffee. Yeah, if you guys want a pizza from Danitello's down the road,

I'll pay for everybody to have their own personal paying pizza. But if you think we're just going to skip work because 9-11 is happening, you've got another thing coming, pal. Yeah. Yeah. Good stuff. I can't imagine. Obviously, it's like a huge tragedy or whatever, but like I've left work because my stomach hurt.

Imagine the building next to you just gets turned into a massive fireball by the CIA or whatever the fuck. Anyway, if you're listening to this, thanks for listening. We are not owned and operated by the CIA, unlike lots of podcasts. I don't even that i don't even mean that i don't think any podcasts are owned by the cia maybe except like joe rogan or anyway um if you're listening to this that means you're listening to the free episode which means thanks um keep those downloads coming we've been doing pretty good numbers wise and uh you should uh take some of your time and your free time.

And you should go on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time. Toss us five a month. You get an extra episode every week. Bonus episodes plus a whole backlog. Ten bucks a month gets you access to the honcho video episodes. Plus the backlog of episodes. Plus all that discord access. And our sketch that we made.

We got some more coming. At some point. We got some more scripts in the pipe. And our sketch that we made, we got some more coming at some point. We got some more scripts in the pipe. And also Chicago. Tickets are not up yet, but they will be Friday. We're going to have a show on November 10th.

It's a Friday. So once again, tickets, I mean, technically we haven't announced the show yet officially, but we're just waiting on a flyer and stuff. So tickets will be live Friday night. Yeah. And we'll have all that up on the Patreon and on our social media and stuff. But yeah, just getting the word out early for you guys in the Chicago area.

We had a lot of fun on the last few shows we've had, and this will sell out most likely within the next couple weeks of us putting the tickets out. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know. We're trusting you. Try and hop on while you can. Yep. And that will be launching once again on Friday.

All right. Bye. Bye. yep uh and that will be launching once again on friday all right um bye bye