Pendejo Time - New Year Shenanigans (2DG)

Episode Date: January 2, 2026

Thank you to the always hilarious Eden for filling in this week. Jake flew to New York to watch the ball drop and got trapped in the Times Square M&M store. Come see us live at Next in Line Philadelphia on Jan 24th. Come see Thomas at Keegan's Ale House in Kingston, NY on Jan 8th. Thank you for supporting the show.

man we got a special one for y'all today happy new year happy new year y'all oh yeah two derp girls back with another episode i know y'all been starving the girl's been starving y'all been hungry i don't know what we're doing the accent we're doing is kind of like gay gay black guy i'm hungry for pancakes oh and he's Fat, too. And I'm fat. I like him. He's like saucy Santano, but he's like kind of trashy.

He's not like classy. Yeah, I'm barbecue saucy Santana. Yeah, very good. So what's been up with you? Let's catch up. Guys, it's been like a month. It's the last time we talked. New show.

Yeah. Not really, but. Okay. Thomas had a wonderful Christmas with his family. I stayed home holding that shit down with our cats because they can no longer air travel. Because they old. They old as hell. Go ahead.

Go ahead, son. Tom, what happened with you? I went to a beautiful Tejas, visited the Weatherford Pistair area. Was there anything that you got to do that you really missed doing that you don't get to do in New York? Eating burgers? Eating burgers, but I would say. driving without being super stressed out oh fuck yeah driving in like the country roads are just nice as fuck when you see all the cows and stuff yeah just driving and it's a normal experience

yeah that was cool um i'll tell you what i did not miss is the the level of police presence oh the popo yeah the police here don't give a fuck about anything i've never seen them stop there were times where i was pretty sure i was going to pulled over and i had i was doing nothing wrong and i was driving a non-suspicious vehicle for once in my life yes you were driving your dad's nice truck that's suck that is it because you i was in fail sun mode you're no you're not in saleson mode you're in success sun going back home to visit yeah because you know we're kind of right we're riding high in new york city baby yeah I live in, finally things are.

Things are on the up and up. Finally, this is. Thomas caught his big break. Finally, I can go home victorious. Yep, showed everybody. Got home, my parents, had an awesome talk with my parents about the percentage of people who pursue comedy as a way to make a living. And how many of those people end up doing that? So that was...

Did they bring that conversation? Yep. So that was fun to talk about. Always fun to cover that. Right. Always happy to discuss. You know, the answer is pretty much almost nobody. Yeah.

And it's not that there's... I used to think, oh, nobody is making it because nobody's good enough. There's a ton of people good enough to be super successful, actually. Right. who deserve it more than me frankly in some cases yeah it's just competitive it's luck yeah and that's you know that's life as it turns out turns out there's a lot of people who could be

who should be doing much better in life you know yeah and just for the luck of the draw just kind of fucked over by life and that's I'm not talking really about I would say comedy is probably the least important part of that happening that is you know Um, there's guys who have been struggling, who have been really trying to become the manager of a Sonic franchise, and they keep getting fucked over, and the owner's sons keep getting to be managers instead.

Fuck that. They have to be the assistant manager for like 20 years. Dude, succession, but it's like a Sonic, just a local Sonic franchise in, like, Weatherford or some shit. Yeah, people are getting fucked over left and right for, for, no reason that's what i feel like it's a little bit tone-deaf you know sometimes when i complain and i'll be like you know i'll be complaining specifically about stand-up or something and it's just issues that exist in life yeah whether you're pursuing something you even like or not you know what i mean yeah just um yeah you know sometimes that's what you got to do i what did i

do oh my mom made uh chicken and dumplings and collard greens for me um shout out thank you to my mother for that that was and she also made you taramisu she made me charmesoo that was awesome she made cookies um thomas made cookies tonight and they are unbelievable he made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies with you won't guess it goji berries because i went to the korean market a while I look back and I thought Goji berries I'm familiar with these from TCM traditional Chinese medicine which is on my in's list for

2026 and I know it's good for you I don't know what you do with it it's basic it's like raisins but it's a berry and he put that shit in a cookie and it's bomb as fuck and I had three of them before we recorded and I have a sugar high well thank you I appreciate it um he also got me a beautiful

jukey HZL HB 5020 sewing machine. I think that's the full name. I love calling up by the full name anyway. They say happy living girlfriend, happy living whirlwind. Did I say it was for my birthday? It was for Christmas.

He got me a Christmas gift, even though I'm Jewish. Yep. Which was pretty sweet. I said, here's the little gift from my people. Yes. Yes, I love receiving gifts from other people. Speaking of your people,

so I had been telling your mom about this world's largest menorah or whatever I got close to it today and in the fine print it's Brooklyn's largest menorah dude they will cheat their way to the top with fucking anything it's so annoying once I got close it was like Home Depot materials like what glory is there and like cheating oh by the way it's guarded by police 24 7 That's awesome, and I'm glad my taxes go to that. Is it like one of their fake police or like real police, real NYPD? It's three NYPD vans at all times.

Get the fuck out of here. 24-7. I, dude, that pisses me off so bad because I've seen things happen where I'm like, the police should probably get involved and stop whatever crime is going on here. And no, of course they don't. They're on their fucking phones. There's a, I saw a podcast clip recently. And it was like, you know, like kind of, it was like, you know, normy, funny guys, I guess.

Yeah. But one of them was talking about how he used to be an NYPD officer. What the fuck? And he was like, yeah, one time, like, we were headed back to the base to finish our shift. And a guy started going the wrong way down the freeway right past us. And we for a while were arguing over whether we should turn around and put our lights on because we were going back to the base. Oh, my God.

And we really just wanted to not have to pursue him. And so finally, we decided to start pursuit and let our bosses know. And then our bosses said to let him go. So thankfully, we were able to go back to the base. That is so awesome. And I'm so fucking glad for that guy. And I'm glad they gave him a microphone so he could tell that shit to the world. Yeah.

I feel like, I feel like if. you retire from the NYPD you should have to tattoo that on your forehead so every fucking human being you interact with gets to know that about you and that you're a psycho deep down inside although maybe it's the kind of thing in new york where like it's like working at the post office because you know they don't do anything anyway yeah no i mean every time i hear like i hear like a native new yorker conversation about it it'll be like yeah fuck cop and then one other person will be like, my mom's a cop. And she's honestly pretty good. Yeah, they think it's like working at the post office. It's like, well, yeah, your mom is 600 pounds. Your mom has what is called a front BBO. She would have turned George Floyd into a pancake.

Yeah. I mean, I just, I don't really have respect. I'll say it, I don't really have respect for any law enforcement at all. Coming home, I learned that, um, This guy who used to attack me at church when I was a kid is now a police officer. So that was awesome to learn. Congrats to him. And wonderful.

And his wife. Who I'm sure is huge. She is not huge yet, but God willing has a thyroid issue soon and turns into the fat pig she deserves to be. And the pig he doesn't have. And I hope he gets asshole cancer and dies. And I know you're not supposed to say stuff like that, but I mean it when I say stuff like that. And that's the difference between people like me and people like you, dear listener.

And people like him, frankly. People like him. Yeah. You know. When I say that I want to use Kyle Rittenhouse like a tube toy, you know, I mean it. Is that true? You want to make sweet love to him with his... You know, he lived in Hudson Oaks for a while, and he moved.

I saw you figuring out that he moved and had disappointed you, or I saw that interaction on Twitter. Because my friend sent me a picture of him passed out at Annabellum. Yeah. But it was in the past. Which is, like, honestly, one of the nicest restaurants in Welfth. That's my favorite... A bar or whatever.

That's my favorite bar and weather for because it's normal there, and it's nice vibes, frankly. nice vibes there it does have pretty good vibes it has it definitely has like it's like what i think a chili's probably felt like in like 2006 is that kind of a vibe where it's like lights outside so it's actually very nice it no i agree but i you know i think chilies in 2006 was like fucking awesome to hang out in my dad loved chilies down i used to always want to be able to go to Chili's or Applebee's someday and then I finally got to go to Chili's at one point

It was probably already dog ship at a time We got it And oh because my family got a gift card To Chili's and we went But we had to order carefully Because it's really expensive Well it wasn't yet It wasn't that

It was expensive but it was like Not crazy at this time Yeah I don't think Now it's like actually ridiculous to try and eat at chilies or any of those. Yeah, it's like $20 for some bullshit. I remember at one point in Fort Worth

we were trying to save money and we were just using all of my dead grandmother's gift cards. I do remember that. Those were good times. We were both so broke. Yeah. That was fucking awesome. We'd get like a shitty room temperature Olive Garden dinner.

What was that place we used to get? It was south of the border. On the border. On the border. How about north of the border And it's Canadian food Poutine or whatever Well Poutine is nasty

It smells bad I never had it But there's a famous Poutine Yeah more like Where were you Putin Poutine in your ass? Okay Because that's what I'd say

If somebody Served to me Were you putting that Were you Putsin? Where did you cook that in your ass? Where did you cook that Pootin in your ass? What are you Putin and Pupin? Yeah where you put in that the trash?

They call you Poot White Yeah what did you put in the food Are you puttin Or are you pooting teenagers Behind the grill And having them cook that Yep Boy, are you putting something in the food

That makes it grossest Yeah It smells gross You're Canadian You're what I don't know What other food you can claim But putte I would not claim that shit If I were you

Putang Putty tang Yeah How motherfuck is eating putty tang I call Thomas's front His booty tang Yeah um

what do you what do you pouting well i'm pouting yeah I'm poutin now because there's gross food french fry cheese or gravies

I know you guys are thinking we must be tired because we had such a fucking insane night last night but we stayed home for New Year's Eve because well Thomas had work

the next day and I didn't want to go out it was also freezing fucking cold it was like 20 degrees and we watched the ball drop but we didn't watch

the like famous Anderson Cooper Andy We were on the CBS stream on accident And it turned out CNN is the one with Andy Cohen And the music Like the sound was really bad Like it kept cutting out

And the guy the host that was hosting I don't know who the fuck he was But he looked like Luigi Mangione I think that's why they got him Anyway that's what we did last night We watched the ball drop And then we went to bed promptly at 1230 Yep

And then I woke up at at 445. Yeah. And came and did the hashtag clock in challenge. Which I hope you guys are participating in. Never clock out. If you guys aren't listening at work right now, go to work. Clock in.

Do your job. This shit needs to get done, guys. We are maximizing our time at work. Today, I waited until I clocked out and then I took a 15 minute shit after my shift at work. Wow. That's crazy. You guys need to be maximizing. I didn't know you was shot at work.

I thought you waited until you got home. Lately. It's been more urgent. I would say every other day. We've been pomello maxing quite a bit. You've been eating all the pomellos. I haven't been eating any of them. I ate a quarter of one last night.

Yeah, well, you're never allowed to touch them. Those are my pomellos. That's okay. I like that you enjoy that fruit so much. I don't think anyone likes to. them as much as I like them. Frankly, they're pretty good to me, but they don't do the same thing for me.

I actually, I think once we're done recording, I know we're very early into this episode, but now I can't, I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about how I'm going to eat a Pamela. You can go eat a Pamela right now. I record the sound of me, like, breaking into Pamela with my bare hand.

It would sound like an otter eating clams. It's true You have to eat it like it's a carcass That you're breaking apart Yeah Yeah so that's what we did on New Year's What else is going on Our cats are

It's going to be the four year anniversary Of us getting our cats And next week I think it's like January 10th or 11th or something is the anniversary so we can reflect on the four years of having them it's honestly been pretty good

except for how expensive it is but I didn't think we would have them for four years it is nice that they're still like yeah I mean you just don't adopt a cat that's about to be 11 and think oh I thought we'd have them until they're like 20

that's I felt pretty confident about that I just haven't had a cat They've lived that long before, so I don't. Well, your cats live outside. Oh, I don't. They're not my cats. Well, you just said you've never had one that lived that long, you know, me neither.

But I know that they can. Yeah. So, anyway, reflecting back on that, it's been pretty fucking sweet. They're really nice. Yeah. It's, it's interesting how physical they want to be. It feels like they always want to be, like, one giant lump. Like, all.

want all four of us to be one big lump yeah thomas gave me a look like what they've had um their stamina and everything is incredible um you can say that about other guys you can't say that about my kids yeah i have a co-worker his libido super high he's awesome good guy no i feel like most my coworkers are kind of low libido no offense yeah they don't have like a strong libidinal energy no i mean with some exception maybe they should do some like fucking black magic and like they should sacrifice some shit get their sex back yeah they start using lorries flavored lube or whatever how about a really big a fat guy and he's he's like putting food on a lady to eat it off her but just because he's hungry

he doesn't have any plates like the japanese guys the japanese businessmen who like to eat sushi off a lady because they have a weird i don't know i don't even know what that gets you off with i guess the humiliation the objectification i mean that's pretty fucking sick i bet it's a control thing yeah that is sick that is fucking sick now that i think about it i think all those guy should be fucking murdered there was a cool photo shoot where Eddie Eddie Murphy was eating a steak off of white

ladies back and that was in the 80s or whatever that was at least kind of cool yeah back when it was like if it was off of a black woman's back I don't think it would have held up no I mean obviously the whole point is that

it's like it's a white lady I mean I'm not I don't You know that shit was cooked well done too He's having a saw through that motherfucker I have never had a black friend order a steak in a normal way They like that shit charred I yeah they don't really trust meat at all

Like a lot of their like cooking With some exceptions But like I don't know I feel into it You really have to talk people into trying a bite of something that's not cooked well done Yeah. Or, like, the whole, like, the joke about washing chicken. I've never seen any other ethnicity washed chicken. Yeah. I mean, obviously, it's bad.

Obviously, it, like, spreads bacteria around, but they don't want to hear it. I've seen people do stuff on chicken that disinfects it, the surface without running water on it. Like with lemon and stuff But a lot of that's just like I don't think that disinfects anything I think they're just I don't know That's what they say

I mean but it's basically Just stuff you do to For seasoning anyway Yeah that sounds like They're just tenderizing chicken I don't think that that Disinfects it at all Yeah

I think the disinfected You would have to like spray With chlorine or something That's what I do I just put peroxide on it I just kind of let it soak I like okay It's like velveting

But I use chlorine instead of baking soda yeah which by the way if you've never tried velveting like meat like if you're if you're loki a little broke and like you're trying to make um beef chunks in a stew velvet that shit before you put it in a stew to like turn to butter even if it's like the shittiest cut of meat it's actually crazy no he uh velvet and he meat she velvet and she meat she meat she velvet and she meat She velvety, she's gonna velvet that shit. What you fubbed? So tired.

She's velvet and she meets. Yep. You're tired? I'm not tired. I don't give a fuck. I'm full of energy. I could go all day. I'll rip my fucking spine out for this.

You would clock in right now if you could fuck. I'd clock in right now. I got my work boots on right now. I'm about to go to sleep with long johns on so I can wake up dripping sweat, ready to work. Shit, I'm about to walk two hours to work right now. now um what other things did i do since we last talked oh i bait i pet sat my co-worker's hamster not sick as fuck her name is haggis but every time i went over there i would have to hamster's name haggis every time i would drive over there i would have to drive through

like the Hasidic part of williamsburg and i a kind of knew like how bad it was i like heard stuff and I was like, surely people aren't making this up because the story is so corroborated that it doesn't make sense for this to just be like, you know, unfair treatment by the public, right? And it was so much worse than I'd realized every fucking block, this goddamn school bus. It would be, it would be like 7 p.m. During Christmas break, obviously, I mean, these kids are Jewish, they're not, and they're also not going to school. like from what i understand those kids they like they're illiterate so i don't know where the fuck these kids are going coming and going from but the school buses they would pull like diagonally like across all lanes

oh yeah to stop to like let the kids cross and it's like how is that fucking necessary in any way like when you when a bus stops it has a stop sign and you're not allowed to go around it anyway so why do they need to like do the full diagonal shit yeah well so imagine how much normal parents complain yeah also they're all dressed like abraham lincoln i was going to say they're all wearing black and it's seven at night for lack of a better term retarded yeah they're certainly very annoying i mean the literacy situation is getting really bad i'll tell you one thing that I have to clean up a lot is Hasidic people

think that pigeons like to eat entire loaves of bread that are very hard and not torn up a loaf. They throw out a loaf. They throw out hundreds of loaves. Bakeries, the Hasidic bakeries, throw out all

of their loaves. Why don't they do something? Like make fucking bread crumbs and sell that shit. And then they're like there are rats in the neighborhood. It's like, yes. Yeah, it's you. rats can eat where you're throwing out a human can't eat that a pigeon can't eat that a pigeon cannot eat a baguette a pigeon is a little bug-like creature yeah that needs maybe sweet berries they eat seeds how about you feed

the pigeon sweet berries you want a pigeon to like you you don't give it a hundred loaves of old Jewish bread Oh Hey little bird Would you like a thousand loaves of Jew bread No I would like Sweet seeds

Delicious juice Clean water Fresh berries Yeah It's just a really bad situation Honestly I know they've been in this country For a long time

But I feel like they need to be deported Loki You know We should do a trail of tears saying tour They have to move to Oklahoma too They destroy Oklahoma They'll destroy everything in their fucking wake It's unreal

See that's one of the things that you can say But no one else can say I should say something I've never heard someone talk as much shit about them As I have my mom Because my mom grew up in a Hasidic neighbor She thinks they're like Muslims No she doesn't

She thinks accurate that they think less of her, that they think other Jews aren't real Jews. Yeah, that is true. I mean, she grew up in a Hasidic neighborhood in Jerusalem. Yeah. And she said, she just told Thomas about how whenever

her and, like, her siblings would walk down the street, like her and her family, the Hasids would, like, spit on the ground in front of them. Like Wild West style. Yeah, just to be disrespectful. So, you know, that's, her experience yeah she was getting they were getting robbed for their allergy medicine very good yeah I don't know man it's uh it's interesting um but I've also met you know I have

met kind Hasidic people too I mean I have Hasidic family I mean I don't know them super well but when I say kind I mean people will thank me for cleaning up their trash and stuff That is nice. I do think more people in New York should be thanking people who, like, make this shit fucking word. Yeah. I mean, I do leave some of it. Like in Oakland, in the East Bay. I don't know if this is still the case, but when I was a student, it would be normal to, like, thank the bus driver after.

Like, when they drop you off, you would just, as you're stepping out, you just go, thank you. And, like, that was, like, normal. Yeah, we do that in Fortnite. What? In Fortnite, you thank the bus driver. there's a bus driver in fortnight yeah you drop out of a big flying bus is fortnight um a fighting game yeah it's like a battle royale type thing to where you start with like say like a hundred play i haven't played in like at least five years but you start

with like a hundred players and like the map gets smaller and smaller so you're in closer proximity to the surviving players till eventually somebody wins um i see and it's like you know And if you die, it should you just, you know, go into a different room, basically. Wow, that sounds really boring to me. It's fun to play with your friends. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, it's not fun to, it wasn't really fun to play by myself, but in a game like that is where, like, everybody dies, you know, and then you start again.

It can be fun with friends, like. Yeah, and I think kids make internet friends through there. Yeah. Yeah, it's. A good way to meet, like, older, like, really strong guys and stuff. Yeah. It coach you through. Guys who, like, have a lot of wisdom to share.

Yeah. And they're into really good music, like, hops in. Yeah. And they, like, can see through the bullshit that your parents and teachers say. Because parents and teachers do be saying all kinds of bullshit, and they don't believe you when you tell them the stuff you believe in. Yeah. Like, when you tell them about, like, real shit, like, you try and get them to listen to, um, like, actual, like... dope stuff yeah like what um like run the jewels and stuff like a nine year old trying to tell his parents

about run the jewel so that's lp and he basically he's the mastermind behind the beats killer mike he's sort of um the way of called genius did the big bumma of bonnie It was a few years ago. It was like a cat edition or one of the albums because they had to go at a Kickstarter. They had a certain amount of money waste

and so L people had to go make a cat sound beats. But it was the same lyrics and I was hoping I was hoping the killer Mike would also have to do a cat-themed songs

rapping. I actually saw them live in 2015. I had a boyfriend that was into them when we saw them. They were pretty good. live oh you know who came out was uh what's her name who passed away sophie no um

fuck what's her name the rapper uh who was in 36 mafia uh gangsta boo yeah gangsta boo came out cool yeah rip i p missed in peace yeah i remember Tom had that

podcast series with her Oh yeah, that's right That was a very tragic passing Yeah For real, RIP to her There's some really good gangsta boo songs Yeah Gotta do is a good one

She carried a lot of the She Whenever the You know the Like Oh mask to my face Another good one Yeah

The feminine energy was kind of kind of an underrated anchor within 3-6 mafia because without the girls in that group I mean obviously Project Pet DJ Paul and JuCJR fucking goaded as hell but you know

if it was only ever the verses that were like we go we go run a train on your hoe we go come her eyes and kill her you know those are fun but whenever you get I like that the girls in that group were also like yeah I'm gonna fuck your man and then I'm gonna rob him and kill him

yeah and I'm the baddest bitch yeah I feel like if it wasn't for the ladies they would just sound like any other fucking group at the time but like the ladies their production was so crazy though yeah it's true like there's it's it's crazy to me that like Wusang Klan was around that same time and i mean i maybe like a little bit earlier but like wutang clans sounds like that was made 50 years prior that's true to to um three six mafia like three six mafia it it it just holds up in such a way that's like crazy like so i feel like everybody from the 90s has like one or two songs that like holds up nicely you know for sure and then they just have it's like half of their

discography is like so fucking good and some of it's some of it is shit but this their bad stuff is so good like juicy jay's album juicy jays like shitty mixtapes where he's just like the producers like he's talking like as a producer half the time yeah that's like a mixer issue that's like and not having like a good sound engineer anywhere near you and stuff you don't get that authenticity all the time anymore like when rappers used to be so prolific and they would just be putting shit out for their fans

like on datpiff and stuff you know what I mean oh are you saying like you don't get that kind of like this is this sounds really shitty but it's really good yeah yeah like the raw like the early walka fluk of flame stuff where like yeah there's bad sound quality but the energy was so strong that you just it was it was objectively good yeah the newer producers have to um artificially create that kind of um imperfection in the sound i remember that actually that that boyfriend i was telling you about that

took me to see run the jewels he was uh like into making music his dad was a sound engineer and i remember we were in college and he like was interviewing um i don't remember who the guy was but I think he was also like kind of a famous sound engineer and they were talking about the there's a there at this was like I don't know almost 10 years ago but there was like a middle class forming in music where like people could just make really good sounding music like in home studios and I think that that explained to me always like why that stuff is gone is because you just can get away with having really nice sound from regular shit you can by fucking guitar center.

And there's like YouTube tutorials for everything now, whereas you used to like have to learn from somebody. That's actually a really big way that I see young DJs marketing themselves is that they're making like little tutorials on TikTok and Instagram reels for how they make stuff sound like that. Like there's this DJ that I was, I've been listening to for a few years named DJ Dave and she blew up on TikTok because she does live coding and she codes her music and she made

tutorials on Instagram showing how she does it and that made her like it would be like five times bigger than she already was yeah her music's really sick it's cool to be a girl called dj Dave yeah remember one time when I was working um at the university in Texas and I think it was my boss my boss was like the dean of the college I worked at so he wasn't even my direct boss he was like my boss's boss's boss or whatever and he asked me one day what I was listening to, and I just go, oh, DJ Dave, and he, like, looked at me funny, and I was like, I wonder if he'll look it up.

I hope he'll look it up later. DJ Dave sounds like... Sounds like I made it up. It sounds like a friend who delivers pizza. Yeah. I remember one time I was washing dishes at this restaurant I worked at, and one of the servers came up. And she was like, what are you listening to?

Let me hear. and I was listening to Earl's sweatshirt. She was flirting with you. I was listening to Earl's sweatshirt. I think the song was Doris or whatever. And she was like, is this you? Stupid bitch. Why would that be?

Why would you be listening to yourself? She knew that I wrote raps and stuff. Why would you be listening to your own music at work? I was so confused because it was like clearly. like a young black guy clearly a young black guy who was like a fucking savant like i was literally washing dishes in weatherford texas like you think that's the music i'm secretly making yeah she was just she wanted some of that thomas penis i was 16 or 17 yeah she was in her 30s so i don't think I know, I do think so.

I just think she was that disgusting and trashy that she wanted your wiener. I don't see. She never really. Well, I'm just, I'm telling you that that was a flirtatious thing to do. Oh, man. Well.

Is that color your interactions in a different? Um, that's okay. I don't really remember a lot of interactions like that with her. There was a different lady there who would just sexually harass me and touch me and stuff that I didn't that's awesome she would grope you yeah I would be carrying like steaks so I'd have my hands full and she'd come and grab my like ass and balls whoa whoa that is really fucking crazy yeah I hate restaurants restaurants are always like that there's always like a weird sexual vibe between the employees and the restaurants and it's just so off-putting

yeah people are always like they're always like horny for each other they're always like fucking and stuff well because people also they're also like alcoholics and stuff so like yeah it's true and a lot of them are like around the same age yeah but like that like stuff like that like that does happen like bounce around and worked together before and stuff if you're in a small town like everybody's worked everywhere that's true everybody's bartended or served different places yeah i hate food service i hate the way it stinks like The way it smells when you work food service.

Yeah, when you smell like the food that people throw away. Oh, my God, it's so disgusting. I don't even, can, I don't know if someone can explain to me why you stink that way. I'm guessing it's because small food particles are always getting on you. Oh, I'll tell you one that will piss you off. I had to throw a big bag of Cece's trash over the, side of the dumpster because it was so full. Yeah.

And it ripped. Oh, God. Oh, my God. That's... And my shoes were already soaked with, like, mariner sauce and stuff. What? Why were they soaked in marinera sauce already? It was a very messy job.

That is... That is... That's so sad and disgusting. And please humor me. What did they pay you? Um... I think it was... $8 an hour?

Oh, that's awesome. That is so... And at the same time, I worked at Sonic, and I made $2.35 an hour at Sonic before tips. That's amazing. America is the best fucking country in the world. I think I worked about 70 hours a week between those two jobs. You were in high school?

Yeah, it was over the summer. Wow. That is... I love that that's legal. Yeah, I had to quit... I had to quit Sonic because I had become suicidal. yeah i wonder what it was that drove you to that state i don't know but um shout it to my friend jack friend the show for getting me the cc's job he was the um i think he was the shift leader at the time

and he worked his way up to manager i love that for him and then they he had put in his notice already and he showed up late within the last two weeks of his notice he put in like a two month notice that is so fucking nice of him he showed up late he showed up 30 minutes late one time to an opening shift um right before he was going to be done and they fired him on the spot that is so disgusting i mean they really should be just fucking shot in the head for that stuff i remember my minish so i was in high school and i worked there um and a few years later I was in college and my

I don't if he was the assistant manager or shift leader or whatever but this older guy deemed me something he messaged me on Snapchat now why did we have each other on Snapchat I truly do not know that is really appropriate actually

but he messages me something about like oh I've got a girl for us tonight or whatever whatever and I was like what and he uh and he was like oh shit my best friend is named thomas and I messaged you on accident and I was like okay no worries man um take care so then then they double team and he was like no and he was like but if you're into that kind of thing oh my god let me know because I really like having threesomes oh my god and I was like double

team of girls and I was like I'm actually not interested in that but um thank you for the consideration I guess um that fucking pervert and then it happened another time like a year later and I kept a very short I was like I'm not interested in this do not and then like two years after that I got a message that was just like dude my new tinga toy is awesome and I opened that and I blocked him immediately

I said three strikes three strikes you're up what a tinga toy is I had to look it up I looked it up not on incognito mode because I thought what is a tinga toy sounds like a chicken burrito it's a toy you put in your ass Oh, my God. It was like a vibrating dildo or something like that.

It was an ass play toy. Which, hey, if that's what you're into, no worries, don't message. If that's what you're into, you're sick. Okay. If that's what you're into, it's okay. But don't message a boy about that. Don't message a 17-year-old boy. Well, I was by this time, I was in college.

But when we met, he was in his mid-20s and I was 17. He was grooming you. And, you know, it's funny. Unsuccessfully. Me and Jack used to argue over whether this guy was gay. Because he gave off. Was Jack team gay? Jack was like, no, he's straight.

And I was like, hey man, it's fine that he's gay or bisexual, right? It's like, it's no big deal. But I just want to be clear that that is the case. And this was with no concrete evidence. But if you saw the type of mustache this guy had... It was like John Waters' mustache? Yes. He had a John Waters mustache in Weatherford, Texas.

And he didn't even know the reference. He just thought it looked cool. But anyway... He didn't know the gay reference to gay herstery. Gay herstery. Oh, man, I had a gay co-worker at T.J. Max for a brief period in time. The tail end of me working there. and he was awesome

this old gay guy he was super queenie I remember one time he was like what does that smell you smell amazing and I was like oh I was just vaping in the parking lot and he was like he was like well it smells great smells peachy I was like yeah there's a peach flavored vape

but it made me feel good about myself for him and he was he was flirted with everybody but in a very non-sexual way he was just he was just a born to be a star really yeah you know he would flirt with a wall um but old gay guys are always a you know kind of like um guys who have been like old funny guys you know what i mean they're just so on you know what i mean um like they've just been doing they've been like that for so long they're so quick that's how gay guys are they've

just been catty and quick their whole life and they're just it's so honed yeah well gay guys i think have um imagine if guys got to express their competitiveness in an ultimately very mild mannered way and that's just gay guys like instead of like fighting they're just like having verbal spats with each other but it's like banter to them You know, and they can take it and they can dish it and, you know, so it's two fellas, it's not like, you know. I remember seeing this video, two gay guys fighting in a parking lot and they both had on acrylics and they were fighting like.

Oh, my wait. Please paint me a photo. I need to know. I need to know location. I need to know the city. I don't know the city. Hold on. Let me finish. I need to know the city. I need to know their races, their general ages, and maybe what outfits they were wearing. Please go ahead. Okay. I don't know. It was at night. I think it was outside of a. bar definitely one of the guy i remember one of them was like a well put together i think light skin black guy who had on he he was um like lifeguard jacked yeah um it had on a tight

shirt and um denim booty shorts i think and um and then i think it was and then i think it was a white guy oh by the way the black guy had on like i think like the long pink nails and i think the white guy had on had like white or pink nails too but the white guy kind of if i recall correctly kind of looked like a frat guy almost but gay like a and i think he was like a preppy i think so i think he had like a polo shirt or something but i can't remember the white guy that well or even if it was like i just remember the way they had their hands um they fought like cats

yeah they were kind of like slapping each other yeah they were slapping they weren't really like they can't really do a fist if they have these long nails yeah but they could have done a back hand they could have pimpslapped each other but it's funny seeing these guys who clearly are capable of throwing a good punch

well at least physically you know the physical because the jacked black guy well I think both of them if they just with a little bit of training yeah could or just putting their hand in a normal way or just that's a good point just particular not gay for five seconds and knock the guy out why there should be a coach who goes high school to high school and teaches young gay guys how to fight with their acrylic nails ooh yes you should okay imagine it's like um remember the titans but it's Jake teaching a group of

young gay black guys how to fight he keeps talking he keeps mentioning that there's all different kinds of gay guys every time you get Jake around a gay guy he talks about how there's all different kinds and the gay guy politely nods well Jake is like um he's

exposed to gay millennial culture which I love um like what's it called like RuPaul's drag race and stuff like those old like drag queens and RuPaul's not cool with the young gay guys

you know they're into like Jane remover or whatever yeah the only gay guy culture I know is Ivy Wolk that's the only gay guy culture that I'm tapped in with that's true and I do stand her the way a gay guy would yeah

she could do no wrong in my eyes yeah but other than her I'm not really tapped in with community like that um in terms of cultural in terms of consuming the same media i'll put it like that yeah um i do stand with the community i'm self-aware enough to know that most of you listening are gay guys and i appreciate we love you guys i was joking i was joking about you guys being gross for playing stuff in your butt like i think that's yeah it's cool when you do it it's yeah it's fine um i do i am

glad that we've moved past a cultural phenomenon of straight guys of people having public debates about pegging. I'm glad that we are hearing about it. Yeah, that was kind of a, that was a very niche thing that in our circle was actually kind of a loud topic, I feel. Maybe because we were on Twitter. Yeah. Well, yeah, it was something to joke about on Twitter. Yeah. But, But I think it's because a lot of those funny guys on Twitter were getting legitimately pegged because they were kind of they were kind it was there was a short window of time and this is for guys a little bit older than both of us where you kind of had to soy out a little bit to like get like the hot women versus like guys younger like your age and younger they're not really soying out to get women they're just going full in cell if they're not able to. to strike a balance. Yeah. And they're fucking guys, by the way.

Like, they are just having sex with men. So if you guys are, if any opportunistic gay guys are looking for a new avenue to explore, these like 20-year-old guys who are not having sex with women are fully okay with having sex with men.

Yeah, it's not that big a deal if you want to. When Thomas did it, and he said it was fine. We've all been there. It's not that big of a deal. I'm kidding. Thomas never did that. Get your heads out of the freaking gutter.

Get your head. out of your ass get your head out of Thomas's ass get your dick out of my ass it feels amazing having a male orgasm Thomas did one time

have a prostate orgasm in front of me I'm kidding that never happened I've never had a prostate orgasm and that's one of those things that that's disgusting I don't think I would appreciate it if you had one I don't fully understand how to well you kind of you need to

put something inside to stimulate. I don't think you can like tontric create a tontric prostate orgasm. I think I could do a hands-free

prostate orgasm. If anyone's figured it out, go ahead and message him on Instagram. Anyone's fingered it out. You guys are nasty. I know you have. Oh, you know how I know

a lot of you guys are gay is actually through the pet chat on the Discord server. And I didn't, I didn't realize, how many of you guys lived with other men until I saw you guys posting

like photos of you guys and your pets but girl it's because we broke yeah no I'm like life like they're like this is my this is my boyfriend and our cat it's like a two guys hey I love I love that for you and I love that about you

hey I got no problem with you having a boyfriend and a cat long as it's two different things all right yeah don't kiss that cat I know that's fucking right. Hey, hey, hey, for crying out loud. Don't touch the animals. Yeah, because I knew you guys had gay fans.

I just, and I knew, I knew that it was like a good amount that was just like these sweet gay guys that like appreciated hearing you guys talk and appreciated your humor. But now I see it's like, oh, it's like just a very strong contingency in this fan base is just these nice suburban gay guys. Yep. it is nice i will say it's nice to go to a show and see that it's at least somewhat diverse a little bit and i don't even mean that in a virtue signaling way but i've i've um had rooms before that were only white guys and they are the worst fucking rooms to have because you guys all team up do they guys all team up to be nasty

you guys team up and you get nasty um you guys can't be getting nasty together in the bathroom yeah I do I will say if you do all

a guy lineup and you get an all guy audience it's gross in there it's nasty oh they stink up a room well they do stink it up but also attitude wise it's stinky in there

it's too much it's too much testosterone when you get some ladies around people start to act more normal that's true and ladies will give you laughter like at your guys's last show when jake was here there was a really nice looking lesbian couple and they were laughing and having a great time the entire show they were also really friendly we were like chatting at the beginning before the show shout out to the lesbos yeah shout out lesbians y' all were awesome and then i would look at i would look at like the guys faces and there were guys who i did not see smile one time the guys were not rocking with us we don't care we're here for the ladies the gay ladies this is this is this is a gay and lesbian podcast um truthfully yeah that was an interesting crowd um it was also it wasn't their fault it wasn't their fault it was uh sorry you guys had to wait on the cold that was crazy yeah and the bartenders were really mean to you guys that wasn't cool they should they should have eaten more before the shift to yeah maybe they had like that anorexia rage yeah i i asked

for ticate and they told me they'd never heard of that and i said oh okay I should start doing that at work And then afterwards I found out They didn't even know I was on the show That's why I was having to pay for my own drink But why would I just be following Jake around like a stooge For two hours before the show I don't know

Maybe your boyfriends I don't fucking know I mean they had no clue what was going on And it's obviously God bless them That wasn't their fault That was clearly a miscommunication Between whoever is making the money in that place

Yeah I don't think anybody's Making a whole lot Yeah. Well, we kind of chit-chatted about this, but now that the new year has been rung in, maybe a resolution is not the right word. Do you have anything for the year you are envisioning? It could be a type of travel. It could be something you're looking forward to that is confirmed. It can be a habit you would like to form. I have. So the regular ones where you want to get, you know, improve your health and stuff, I have all those. but I think the main I have a mindset shift that I'm working on making right now where I'm actually

less goal I want to be less goals oriented in a concrete way in terms of my creativity and stuff because I feel like with stand-up I've gotten to where I've gotten a little bit greedy

mentally to where I see everything is like milestones in this grand career plan or whatever and I think it I think that's an arrogant way to think and I think that I should

focus more on having fun creating stuff that I like with people I like and trying to just improve in general rather than be like okay I this is the year I blow up. This is a year

that I skyrocketed. It's like I don't think that's conducive to being funnier or being more creative or being good to the people around you. And it's kind of a subtle thing. I don't really feel like I was treating people differently

or anything. But I think I was kind of being really hard on myself for no reason. Yeah. And it was kind of bogging me down a little bit. Totally. so probably sucking the fun out of it yeah yeah um

but uh i would say that's one of the main things that just kind of you know try and um try and be good to good to people and um uh you know I didn't lose a little weight uh get stronger

um hopefully do some more acting stuff that'll be really fun but um that would be really cool um what about you eden um well the stuff that you're talking about with like focusing more on like the doing and having fun versus the goals i've definitely been actively changing my mind towards thinking of things that way this last year um yeah i i feel like um i used to i've read books about this like there's a famous it's kind of like an airport book about a guy like some white guy who was learning um i think iquito which is um some japanese martial art but like there's this idea of like

in japan it's very normal to think of like learning anything as like this long road to mastery and there's virtue in just like the daily grind and just practicing a million times and if you've ever like had to take a class about how to learn anything they probably talk to you about this the idea that like in the west we have like a very fixed mindset about learning stuff and in the east they believe more in like a growth mindset and like you're not born with innate talents you're born with capacities but you can learn anything as long as you put enough time and repetition into it and stuff like that yeah um so yeah i've been yeah this year some some things um oh i don't know if maybe i maybe i did

talk about this last time because we had that last time was with jake but i went to argentina for work and that was really fun i want to go back um i've never been in dc but i think i would kind of like it and my sister-in-law likes it so maybe like go there um but yeah also the regular stuff like getting skinny or getting stronger um yeah just keep fucking fucking trucking along with this shit like um podcasting more i enjoy it maybe i'm not good at it but i like it I think you're good. I think you have a, you know,

you have a talent for, um, making people feel at ease and comfortable, you know what I mean? That's bad fucking ass, dude. I think,

I think that, uh, even if it's not like a super intense conversation, you know what I mean? It flows and it's natural and people like listening to it. Um, I mean, hell,

the fact that any one of your fans is cool with me hopping on this is like pretty, Well, I mean, you guys listening, you have heard some of the, frankly, some of the shit that throughout the years, every once in a while, we'll have a real stinker. And you guys are always very gracious about that. In fact, I would say, out of, let's see, we've got five years in the books now, got about a year and a half worth of stinkers, out of five years. Yeah, the sound used to just be completely unlistenable. Well, it depends on who you ask. really liked it when the sound was horrible it was very funny to me

but you guys like it better now that it's not as bad and there's some there's about 12 people listening right now who are going it's still horrible Thomas and you should kill yourself you don't deserve anything you have I think that's a very fair criticism

and that is absolutely correct and guess who still gets to eat cookies for dinner and go to work every single day that's me so suck my dick I might even have a fourth cookie after this. They're so fucking good. I did, and I'll have, you know, I did seven push-ups earlier and then hurt both of my wrists of once.

So, yeah, I think, I don't know. You know, I'm looking forward to seeing more victories in other people's lives this year. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. I hope all of you guys are always winning. And frankly, I know you are. Because I think I've got a few friends who, you know, saw some significant success in this last year or so. I hope that holds up in a way they're content with.

And I hope they get new opportunities and stuff. And I've also got a lot of friends who have been grinding and deserve, you know, their share of the spotlight or chance to do cool stuff. and I hope they get that. Yeah. Hope everybody, you know, I got a positive mindset. You know, I just, I just did small plates with Jeff Dye earlier today. And, you know, over top us, we were just kind of just talking about how this last year's gone, you know what I mean? And I felt like we made some good progress between the two of us in our relationship.

Yeah, I feel like he is. He just seems like a really good friend, like a guy you could really, like, trust and confide in. And he probably has really good, like, he's a good guy to have, like, a heart-to-heart with. Yeah. It's nice to, like, see somebody and just like, know there's, like, nothing fake about them. You know what I mean? Period. And, hey, there's rumors going around that, hey, that he's pretty good at some stuff.

is what I heard. Yeah, you know what. Yeah, and I'm not going to say who told me, but a little birdie told me that he's pretty good. Yep. And we hope that Jeff Dye and all his friends get what they want this year, whatever that may be. We hope that who else am I wishing a particularly good year for? I wish for a good year of Red Bar. I hope that Luca Donchik finally.

He finds peace in his career. Oh, they moved him out of the Mavericks? Yeah, I hope that... I hope that the Dallas Cowboys get a new owner this year. Yeah, I hope the Aedelson's all magically just kind of combust. Is that who owns them, the Aedlesons? It is Jerry Jones. Oh.

The Adelsons, who do they own? I thought they owned the Mavericks. I thought they bought the Mavericks. Yeah, I think you're right Jerry Jones still owns the Cowboys Okay, cool But I think you're right about I think the Ailsons bought out Mark Cuban

Um You got the money Um I hope that uh Or maybe they did like that classic You know We have video of you I hope Ukraine stands

Stand strong I will be deployed in Kiev Um Probably end of March trying to get some more boots on the ground in Kiev and hopefully get those damn Russians out of there I hope it's you and Trevor Noah

hand in hand going straight I hope me and Trevor Noah become make a blood oath together to make late night television and hope you do a penis blood off and you guys fucking cross your swords in battle

Trevor Noah Thomas White sounds like Sounds almost like Something that was meant to be It sounds like something out of a fucking movie Ow Sorry

Thomas just scratched me with his leg hair Not bad I had bristles But yeah we hope you guys have a badass 26 Yeah I hope you guys smoke hella blunts and get bluzzy with it I hope you lay off the juice

And And Lay the only juice I feel like is in, like I think that the Celsius are out and I think that white wine is in. I think it's going to be a year of white wine. Yeah, y'all tell me, y'all sound off, tell me if you agree or not. I'm not red. Red is trashy.

It makes you look like a fucking drunk retard. Yeah, but white, it's invisible. I've, you know, and I don't know if, I don't know if I have any chic alcohol is. The only thing I've been enjoying recently has been like Bourbon and Guinness, and I think it's, I don't know if that's in for 2026. Yeah, we haven't really been going out. I haven't really been, truthfully, I haven't really been having fun or seeing people lately. I've been doing something very important, which is, which is looking at my phone in the apartment and Cluckian, and then doing chores. Yeah, well, we love you guys.

We love you guys. Have an awesome week. This has been two derp girls. Peace. Bye.