Pendejo Time - Oh Lawd...

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

Jake's sick but he'll be back next weekSupport the Show.

There's a mouse in my butt. Oh Lord, who put this mouse in my butt? It's crawling around in there, I think it's in my butt. Oh Lord, I feel a little itchy now. I got a mouse in my pants and it's in my butt. I went down to the grocery store, I said, there's a mouse in my butt It said go down to the doctor But I told that little lady down there I said I ain't got no doctor's money So I got me a big piece of cheese and I put it down in the toilet. And I pulled down my pants and I said, Mr. Mouse, it's time for you to get out of there.

Mouse said, look at me. He said, no, no, no. I'm sitting up at Sunday church, I got a mouse in my butt He keeps hopping out, nibbling on the crack of the stud And when he's done, oh boy, I can't stop him, he just crawls right back in my butt I said, Lord, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday,ny, I done got me a mouse in my rear. Ain't nothing coming down my butt, cause he got something in he got the great big ears. I said, sonny, sonny, boy, you better be careful, don't get no mouse in your butt. Back time, he said, doop, doop, yeah, ha, doop, ha, a-head, a-head, oh, I had a head, I had a hole,

He had a mouth in my butt. I can't lose none of them out, Because they're all up in the air, And he got no other teaching than to hide. He said, Oh, Lord, it's Sunday, But I can't have a bite of the mouth in your butt. Woo-wee! Welcome. Welcome As you may have heard

There's been some dreadful news In the world today Allegedly President Joe Biden um allegedly president joe biden has tested positive for the coronavirus now as as one of many people who cares about this i i'm devastated you know I remember growing up I remember when I was a little boy We'd look up at President Biden on the TV And we'd say there's our man

You know there's our guy And I don't know what we're going to do now You know it feels like there's no voice of reason left There's no There's no one to carry me personally through this time, because as you may have also seen in the news, um, Jake is sick, and I have to do this goddamn episode by myself, because I, uh, well, it's kind of last minute, I didn't, I didn't get a guest, So, I'll tell you what I did do today.

I did do this. I whipped up a mean marinade on some chicken. Sort of a Korean barbecue style. And then I also made, as you've probably heard by now, a little cucumber salad. You know, you go to one of these joints they give you a whole bunch of useless dishes you know they give you pickled fish you don't even have to ask for the pickled fish it's there uh and a little fucking one of those little trays you keep You keep your flower pots on Anyway

The Koreans are up to some amazing things nowadays Maybe they always have been Who knows Personally I haven't been keeping tabs On these On these people for very long And maybe that's for the best You know they had a war a while back they had a war in

korea uh known to many as the korean war as to what went down during that time nobody really knows there's really nothing i can say about it i know a lot about that war, but it's better left unsaid because there's just so much you can get into with that specific war in terms of things I know about. This new telescope. Is this something you guys have cared about for a long time? Was this something... Was this something that had been brewing in your heads a long time? Because... I mean, I don't want to be some kind of... Some kind of Debbie Downer here, all right?

But if there's not a way that I can get like $2,000 a year off of knowing about space, I'm not going to learn anything about it. And that's not me being bitter. That's not me being stuck in my ways. That's me knowing what's important in my life. You know, if I'm doing something for free and it's not like drinking a milkshake or like jacking off or something i'm i'm not interested you know there's there's a few things in life i know i enjoy from time to time and you know learning about james learning about the controversies of James Webb's tenure at NASA. That's not one of them. That's not one of them. They're nice pictures.

They're nice pictures. I'll give them that. Also in the news, if you're wondering, yeah, I'm going to waste a few minutes doing this. Also in the news, um, Parkland school shooter Nicholas Cruz Allegedly slurped On an IC after the massacre Here's my take on that

Alright I understand That drinking an IC Not a good look for him You know Not the best He's not promoting not a good look for him. You know? Not the best. He's not promoting good things there.

I'll tell you what also is not great about Nicholas Cruz's situation. He did shoot up a school. I would say in terms of things that Nicholas Cruz, the Parkland school shooter, did that day, I would put drinking an IC at least at number three or so. And I don't even know what number two would be But

It couldn't have been drinking an IC Now were the officers at fault For him drinking an IC I don't know I haven't clicked on the article Here I clicked on it I got a god damn ad Now I can't I don't want to know about dentures

Jesus Christ These people Alright here it is Florida gunman Nicholas Cruz Slurped on a cherry And blue raspberry Icy

After slaughtering 17 people In one of the deadliest Mass school shootings In US history A witness testified Thursday at his penalty trial 17 people in one of the deadliest mass school shootings in U.S. history. A witness testified Thursday at his penalty trial. My problem with this is, look, cherry is top three on icy flavors, all right?

Mixing in blue raspberry, which from time to time is nice Alright But mixing those two together That doesn't work for me You know It's It's nonsense You know god damn well That's your last icy you're getting At least till you get to the police station

And And what do you do with that opportunity for a last icy you fucking mix cherry and blue raspberry yeah i'd give him the death penalty too um that's just that's rough you know it does say that he tipped Also getting an IC at Subway I don't know Seems weird But this guy Seems a little off to me

Seems a bit Wacky Tell you what I've been reading about lately Is Is Is ancient myths, mythical creatures. Been getting into sphinxes, been getting into manticores. I'd love to have my current head in the body of an animal.

More than almost anything. I think a lot of people underestimate what they could get done with four big old paws and some claws and a big old tail. Perhaps a mane of some kind. Maybe even wings. People like, you know, a lot of people who aren't necessarily like us, they don't think about those things. A lot of people who aren't necessarily like us, they don't think about those things. You know, they go to their jobs where they make $1 million an hour, I assume. I assume that's what every work-from-home job is.

And they think, man, I wish I had another two fingers so I could type faster. In reality, you would have to type in a completely different manner that's a whole nother point i think i think if i had claws and i was huge and had a mane and stuff i would kill a lot of people and i would get it done very fast i would um i wouldn't do it in like a Nicholas Cruz way, I guess. I would probably hunt. I would hunt a lot. I would live out in the country,

for sure. Because I don't want to be some menace out in the city. I'd rather be like a cryptid type murderer, you know. Although I suppose if I'm killing a lot of people fast,

that quickly becomes a bigger concern. I suppose if I'm killing a lot of people fast, that quickly becomes a bigger concern. You don't hear about manticores anymore. But that's okay. A lot of people nowadays, they hear about manticores and they just look the other way. They don't give a fuck.

They just care about iPhones. You know? That's life. This is iPhones, you know. That's life. This is usually, you know, usually I, around this time, you know, I've spoken this much so far. This is usually about as much as I speak during an episode. And I don't mean that to complain. I mean, God damn, that is so much work to be doing every time to talk for 50 minutes out of the whole hour.

I mean, that's just, I couldn't do it. But that's what I'm here for today. Maybe you're driving to work. Maybe you're driving home from work. And maybe you're horny. You know, maybe you're rubbing one out in your car. And you're getting your wiener hard. You know, it's not flaccid anymore. And you're horny. Maybe you're rubbing one out in your car. And you're getting your wiener hard. It's not flaccid anymore.

And you're rubbing it. Maybe you brought some oil with you into the car. Your work truck or whatever. And you're jacking your dick off. And you're getting hard. And you're making your dick squirt goo everywhere. Maybe it's getting on your windshield. Maybe it's getting on your dashboard. Or it's getting on your windshield maybe it's getting on your dashboard or it's all over your lap maybe and i think that's fucked up i don't think you should do that in your

car because you know you're driving dude you're you're in your car people are gonna pass you they're gonna see you beating your worm I think that's wrong. And I think if you're doing that right now, you need to put it away. Put your wheelie away and focus on driving. People here are so bad at driving that there's not really public transportation in most places. Seems like there's like four cities that have it maybe that's just me um i i hope i hope most tahoe drivers new tahoe is not the old ones i trust the old tahoe drivers but if you own like a 2019 tahoe you should fucking kill yourself and i know none of the listeners have one.

Because most of you guys don't really have much money. But god damn. These, we got to get these moms back on Adderall. We got to get them away from the Percocet. And we got to get these oil field moms some Adderall. Because they don't know how to switch a lane to save their life. I mean, it's getting bad if Greg Abbott actually cared about Texas he would mandate Adderall for every woman over 25 here because you know they get all hopped up on white claws you know they spend too long in those tanning beds, their brains turn to fucking paste.

You know, they're walking around, they're just thinking about TV shows all day. That's all they think about. You know, TV shows and like $30 wines. Ah. I think in my next life I'd like to be either like a badger or like a narwhal or like a deeply unhappy oil field wife. Who just fucking rails painkillers all day and has like a Porsche with a bunch of bumper stickers on it. I don't know what more you could want out of life than that. Because we're not here to have a good time necessarily. I don't know if you've noticed.

And I don't mean this in like some kind of, you know, George Carlin, Bill Hicks type of way. It's fine because you're going to have a good time now and then. But it doesn't seem to be the primary purpose of being alive. And, you know, why would it be? You know, I've been trying to propagate these succulents, trying to get more plants in my little garden. And they just keep getting fucking scorched.

You know, they're happy little plants. They're doing great. I love seeing them. You know, it gives me a little boost. Say, hey, maybe I'm doing something right in this. This is an awful world. You know, next day I could come look at them and they're just fucking, they're just dust. They're just dust in a flower pot.

You know, wasn't doing anything wrong watering wise. They just got too much heat. You know, I mean, you can nurture a bird and bring it to what you think, you know, is a new chapter of its life. And you let that little duck go and it just gets snatched up by a mongoose or something. I don't know how mongooses, I don't know where the fuck monkeys are. Is that in like fucking. Thailand or something. Look that up for me. I'm saying that like I have an assistant.

It makes me feel good. Mongoose location. Not mongoose. Mongoose location. I want to say it's like. Vietnam. Maybe some other places. I feel like they fight cobras.

Not even close. Mongooses are primarily found in Africa. That's probably where the cobra thing came in. I don't know if they have cobras in Southeast Asia, but... Yep. in Southeast Asia but yep yeah it's they are not not in Asia as far as I can see let's look at rabies all right rabies stats what animals get rabies the most if I had to guess I would say raccoons or like rodents which is kind of cheating let's see bats all right hmm okay well apparently there's different variants uh i was i was right but only in 1991 through 95 so it's not really it's kind of cheating. Through 96, I guess. Looks like skunks get it a lot.

And it's been a slow crawl. It's been a slow crawl for bats. They really, they started off pretty low. But bats have made a huge comeback in terms of rabies. Rabies in general has been and for some reason in the early 80s and the early 90s was just going fucking haywire.

Everybody had rabies. If you didn't have rabies in 1994 you weren't anybody. You fucking sucked. You weren't anybody. You fucking sucked. Let's see. There's mongooses here?

And they get rabies? Is everybody on this goddamn planet lying to me? What the fuck? Come on. planet lying to me what the fuck come on barely wild animals accounted for 92.7 percent of reported cases of rabies in 2018 I want to see the new stats I want the latest and greatest in rabies data and nobody wants me to have it they want me to not know shit about rabies data and nobody wants me to have it they want me to not know about rabies finally contact with infected bats uh is the leading cause of human rabies deaths in this country at least seven out of ten americans who die from rabies in the u.s were infected by bats

out of 10 Americans who die from rabies in the U.S. were infected by bats. Well, I understand. Look, if you die of rabies, I get it, you know, but that

getting killed by a bat seems like kind of pussy shit to me. I understand that a lot of people have been kind of pussy shit to me. I understand that a lot of people have been indirectly killed by bats recently. That's okay. Apparently rabies can't go through unbroken skin

Yeah just keep your skin intact And uh Yeah I Don't be approaching uh You know a rabid Fox with your pussy out Can't be doing that Ah fuck it out. Can't be doing that.

Fucking hell. Possums are amazingly resistant to rabies. Isn't that something? I got nothing against possums nowadays. I tell you, I used to hate them. But I've realized they're peaceful creatures for the most part, you know. You don't need to be killing those things. Not that I ever kill them, but you know what I mean.

Leave the possums alone. They do love stealing cat food, though. If you leave it out at night. I'll tell you what. How about we switch it up real quick? Just kidding. Well, I took a little break and I was going to work on something.

And then I just read more about Rabies So I guess that's kind of where I am In that department You know I remember watching I think it was The Rifleman growing up You guys remember that show?

And there was an episode Of The Rifleman I used to watch it with my dad uh about basically there's a rabid dog out on the street and uh he's like the only man who's like good enough to shoot it this This might have been Andy Griffith. They're like, he's just out on like the main street, just a rabid dog. And the camera keeps like panning to it like it's some sort of Leviathan.

And he just shoots it in the street. But it has to be a perfect shot the first time because it's like a residential area. The thing is he shoots it from like 50 yards out With a bolt action I think So this had to be Andy Griffith because Obviously The rifleman only used a lever action To my recollection so

You know I There's a lot of old shows they should still make. I think they should bring Andy Griffith back from the dead and torture him, make his body move in the way it used to. I never watched Matlock, but I've been to a fair amount of nursing homes. I know that's a favorite of that dying generation people who are dying love fucking tv shows from 70 years ago i don't know i don't know if it's a comfort thing i don't know if we're gonna be on our deathbeds like man i gotta watch

it's always sunny you know and our girl you know it's like the one of the old blackface episodes our grandkids are gonna be like i can't i can't believe you watch this grandpa i can't believe you watch this crap i can't believe you grew up watching this shut up i poop my pants shut up bitch i start slapping the shit and all my grandkids i said fuck you i hate you grandkids you fucking suck bitch i wouldn't say that to my grandkids i love them probably ah you ever think about if you ever make it that far what kind of grandparent you're gonna be like

I guess you'll just kinda be your regular self probably easier to imagine if you have kids I gotta fuckin I got a toll tag sent to collections recently and i understand in some ways credit wise it's a serious thing but i was hoping they would just send like a troll to my house you know or somebody in a hood of some kind you know not paying a toll is like one of the most medieval things to be in trouble for you know

and it's really their fault for not just having a guy there that i have to give a quarter or whatever because if you build a road that i can just drive on and not face consequences in the immediate future well i'm most definitely gonna do that and if you send me a bill in the immediate future. Well, I'm most definitely going to do that. And if you send me a bill in the mail that says, hey, you went on a road, I'm going to be like, yeah, I believe you. It seems like something I'd do. But that doesn't necessitate me paying it. um me paying it you know it's just it's one of those things where it's a game you create to long-term win long-term you win against me i won't claim that i win in the long term

but short term i'm always gonna win that one i don't lose because other people you know they see a toll road i can't go on that it takes money me i i look confidently you know, they see, oh, a toll road. I can't go on that. It takes money. Me, I look confidently. You know, I do not go gently into that good night. I look at it. I look at the sign. I say, hey, I have $3 in my bank account. I'm going on this goddamn toll road, and they're just going to figure it out later, you know.

Because what was this country built on? What principles were this country built on? In terms of the Republic of Texas, mostly just being a slave state, I think. I don't really know, you know. Well, I guess we weren't a slave state if we were a country. We were just a slave country which i suppose is worse we kind of had kind of a few chances to fix that one but for a while in texas's history slavery was like i guess you know it's probably the

worst thing happening but we had so many different genocides going on it was like i don't know it's hard to keep track of what was the worst thing that happened during that time um and that's just it was established by white people and that was a big reason why i'm currently bending a paper clip and i'm trying to make it into an s shape but it's there we. It's hard to do with one hand. I'll tell you what else is hard to do with one hand.

I don't mean jacking off. I mean using a colander. I don't know why. I don't think I have the fine motor skills for it. It doesn't seem like I have most. It seems like I just have coarse motor skills in general. It's not all the way there with it.

That's all right. It's important to know where your limits are and how far you can push them. Because the average man, you put him in in my shoes neanderthal level iq uh whole body broken no money you know he would fold he would fold like a folded like a fitted sheet you know he'd fold all weird but me i'm thriving this is where i belong you'd fold all weird. But me, I'm thriving. This is where I belong. You can't take that away from me.

Let's get back into rabies. I want to know how long it's been around. There's a guy with rabies? Gross. The first written record of rabies causing death in dogs and humans is found in the Mosaic Esmina Code of Babylon in 2300 BC, where Babylonians had to pay a fine if their dog transmitted rabies to another person. That is funny to have to pay

a small fine because your dog kills people. Interesting. Apparently this is also where the term Hair of the dog came from Because An early attempted cure For rabies included burning the

The wounds The infected wounds with a hot poker And a hair of the infected dog. You could also ingest them. That was stupid, it didn't work, and they died. You know. Hmm. Apparently, there's these things called mad stones that are basically calcified hairballs.

They are found in the stomachs of ruminants such as cows, goats, and deer. And they're thought to have curative effects for rabies. And they were highly prized as more valuable than rubies, which couldn't tell you how much rubies are worth. I'm not some kind of fucking Indiana Jones type motherfucker, but they were passed down as family jewels. In 1805, a madstone sold for $2,000 in Essex County, Virginia. Abraham Lincoln is reported to have transported his son Robert from Springfield, Illinois to Terre Haute, Indiana for madstone treatment in 1849 after being bitten by a rabid dog. Robert survived.

Now, one could argue that Robert was faking it. And maybe he just wanted some attention. You know, because when you know your father's going to be assassinated soon, obviously, you know, you're going to be milking every injury you get. You know, I could have a sore tooth if my dad was Abraham Lincoln. Who is Abraham Lincoln, you know? What did he do that was so wrong, you know, a lot of people nowadays, if they saw Abraham Lincoln walking down the street, they'd say, get a job, shave your

beard, go work for, you know, Google. But what I'd say if I saw Abraham Lincoln walking down the street is I'd shake his hand and I'd say, thank you for being the president. Because at the end of the day, what else can you do? I would love to be the president someday. Some consider it to be a powerful position. I say it's a networking opportunity. Because if you're the president,

afterwards, you know, people know who you are. You can get a job doing whatever you want. I would probably do like HVAC or something after being the president. Or maybe, maybe I'd do do HVAC or something after being the president. Or maybe I'd do foam insulation. Maybe I'd work at a restaurant. If you're the president, you can work at any restaurant you want to after that.

And they'd probably give you a good hourly even. On top of your server stuff. You could be a hell of a bartender. You know, the president's bar where are you going uh this weekend i'm just i'm going to the president's bar yeah he's the bartender i'm gonna have a you know former president jimmy carter is making me a gin and tonic you know but i don't know if I would tip the president too well, you know, because you know he's got money lying around. Most bartenders make

good money, but they look like shit. So you feel obligated, hoping they'll turn things around, you know, throw them a couple extra bucks. Maybe they'll buy a new t-shirt that doesn't smell bad Doesn't tend to happen You know Fucking hell I want to go I want to go ice skating I don't know if you could do it in the summer I think there's one at the mall nearby

I don't know how ice skating works It hurts my feet really bad They make all ice skates for women And they're all I think there's one at the mall nearby. I don't know how ice skating works. It hurts my feet really bad. They make all ice skates for women. They're all one inch wide. I don't understand it. The shoe itself. I understand that the blade has to be narrow.

But you know, there's something about skating that's always just struck me as extremely effeminate even as a kid i thought this is kind of gay i know it's that's stupid you know it's not it's just an activity and if you know if it is gay then who cares you know i don't have anything against that but uh yeah it's one of those things i don't know i think uh you know growing up in a small town you just sort of inflict yourself with prejudices that don't really exist you know like uh for example if if another if if I just had a tire that needed to be changed out, like I had the tire, but I knew how to replace it or whatever. Like if I let another man change my tire, and I wasn't just getting all new tires, if that makes sense. That to me And my brain

My fucked up reasoning My podunk brain Would tell me That's morally wrong There's something There's something fucked up About that I could be a millionaire

And my brain would not let me Let another man change my tire Because it's like what's next you know First he changes your tire Then he gets to live in your house He feeds your dog You know You want him to fucking teach your kids

How to throw a football I don't know Maybe Maybe I'm just fucking Just a product of my environment. But at the end of the day, who isn't? You know, I this is the kind of thing that Jake would normally say on the podcast

and then I would call him gay for it and then I would go to sleep, you know. But once again, I didn't find a guest so I got to do this, you know, do this shit. Is anyone still on their commute? I know a lot of you listen on your way to work. If you're getting close to wherever you work, you should just quit today, you know. It's probably probably gonna be Friday when you listen cause I recorded

this pretty late on Thursday but I will just put you two weeks in today and we'll all figure it out economies go to shit maybe or maybe not you know it's not really my call to make unfortunately people

not like people through the podcast with you know friends and stuff you know you keep up with politics what do you think the economy is gonna do well first off I don't know. I think, I thought the whole thing about economics was you don't really know. And that's why it's good

to be an economist because you can just sort of say, yeah, it's probably going to go up or down within the next few years. You know. Ah. few years you know this blew my nose into a Kleenex that I forgot I had used to clean out my vape a couple days ago so it's just oh man that's just fucking

dried up juice just dry juice in that Kleenex you know kids when you get older you know you start facing real serious problems like uh you use all your kleenexes to clean out your vape but you're too lazy to take out the trash in your guest room so you just you just blow your nose into the vape juice over and over and then your nose gets a little tingly yeah that's that's you know that's something you got to learn to live with you got to adapt you got to grow as a person and that's that's how you start getting fucking wealthy like i am because uh you know i'm rich guy. I make a lot of money. I'm a millionaire several times over. I have several cars, several houses, multiple bank accounts.

I have a yacht. I have a John boat as well. I've got a fan boat I go crocodile fishing with Out on the Trinity River And people don't believe that stuff When they look at me You know you look at me and you think That guy makes $25,000 a year

And in some ways you're right But in a lot of other ways you're wrong I think a lot of income is more outcome than a lot of people's income, you know, because, you know, I think, especially in the modern age of flexing, you know, it's not really about how much money you make. It's about how much money you bake. I'm falling asleep. I'm falling asleep right now.

As a grown man, I'm not allowed to be a sleepy little boy. I'm not allowed to be ready for night-night. I'm not allowed to be ready for a night night i'm not ready i'm not allowed to be ready for me me's i can't as a grown man i'm not allowed to get tuckered out you know and that's something they take away from you once you reach a working age in this country is the ability to put your sleeping cap on to put your matching pajama set on and just go night night whenever you want if i take a nap on a weekday i think i think that i deserve to die there's no

reason for that i have a hard job objectively a very physically taxing job but if i get home from work and i take a nap i'll wake up and i'll think you deserve to die for that you know there's people who are out grinding right now and what are you doing you're taking you're taking 30 minute naps god you should be sent to a fucking gulag for that so instead i just sort of like i'll just half-assedly sweep or like empty the dishwasher. And that's how I keep on floating, you know. Everybody's got different ways.

I should try to be more upbeat. This is just me. Jake's not here to... Usually I'm here to drag Jake down into the abyss. That's what I'm here to drag Jake down into the abyss. That's what I'm here for. I'm not a big talker usually. Not really my thing. Because I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm doing this for money.

I'm doing this to see if you guys will give me $5. And I'm using that money to pay off the IRS. So, you know, you got to grow up fast and slow up on the gas nowadays. There's no getting past it. Still thinking about that Korean chicken I made. Just... You just can't beat it sometimes. It's not as good as the original Koreans made it.

But in a lot of ways, I think I'm building upon their ideas. I'm building upon their ideas I'm building upon their their original plans and I'm going places the Koreans never thought they could get to you know when you look at me you think this is a guy who doesn't know shit about Korea but there's guys there's guys who couldn't even count, you know, from Hana to Net, you know, in Korean. And that's not me. Okay. I think South Korea has the best flag in the world. I don't know what North Korea's flag is.

Probably some stupid gay shit. Probably says north korea on it or it's just a dot of some kind they love dots over there just different just a color and then a dot i think that's that's I guess Japan gets a pass. Just because they were the... Yeah, that's a good looking... That's a good looking... Just a white background and a red dot. Can't go wrong. As for what China's flag is,

I think it's what, the red and yellow now? That's fine. That's fine with me they should come up with a new type of a new type of driver's license soon and it's not an ID that it goes it gets you in anywhere it's just uh it's just something to show your friends maybe it's got a hologram on it and it plays hip-hop music when you pull it out of your wallet and you can bring it to clubs it doesn't say how old you are it just says whether you like to party and if it says you don't like to party then they won't let you into the clubs

and you can't lie about it when you get the license otherwise you're a big liar i hate liars and fake people more than almost anything um one thing i hate more than liars is child traffickers By a decent margin But I don't really know how many people are actually doing that nowadays According to Like Nextdoor and Facebook It's like

Basically every child you see in public is being trafficked. But at the end of the day, you know, it's really none of my business. There were a lot of kids who got stuck on pirate ships back in the day, you know. And if that hadn't happened, they would have never grown up to be Blackbeard. They never would have made that next step. There's probably pimps out there who, if they hadn't gotten traffic, they'd be some bum out on the street. I like the idea of working your way up to pimp. Like it's some type of middle management.

You don't see pimps like you used to. I don't know who the next Don Juan is. Maybe that's over. I don't really know if Ice-T was ever really a pimp or if he was just kind of a chill guy who got invited to the players' ball every year. You know? Because he claimed that he used to rob banks

and jewelry stores, which jewelry stores, I believe, that used to be an easier lick than it is now. But banks... I mean, maybe it is easier than I think, but from what I understand, maybe it was because they didn't have video cameras at the time, but you really just don't get away with it anymore,

for the most part. At least not in the United States. I wonder if you can rob banks. And like. I don't want to say a country. Because every country. I think is like undeveloped. Like has way better education systems.

Than us and everything. Like I used to think Bangladesh. Was like a third world country. But like. Seems pretty nice over there. Or like Singapore. Singapore is like a, I don't know that much about Singapore.

More like seeing a rich based on their GDP, you know. How do you guys like that one? There's no filter here. And I don't mean like we're going to get really racist or anything. But there's no, there's nothing for me to bounce off of, you know. I'm going, I'm... Riding into the wind. This has been, this has been an adventure hasn't it

I uh saw a squirrel today and it was so it was bigger than a horse biggest squirrel in the whole world probably or at least one of them and uh

it started charging at me. And as it approached me, I grabbed it by the cheeks. I just started shaking it. And I started shaking it so hard that a bunch of acorns fell out of its cheeks. And they started shooting out and hitting me like like uh paintballs and so i slapped the giant squirrel around a little bit i said you don't come back here till next spring and if i don't see some trees coming up from the acorns you planted all right sonny. You're done in this town.

I told him. I told him to his squirrel face. And he looked me in the eyes. And he. I could see a certain level of caution there. Certain level of reflection. Respect. And to a certain extent.

Some honesty. But he he That squirrel A giant Horse like squirrel In terms of stature He looked me in the eyes And he said You ever heard of squirrel?

They make fucked up noises a lot i almost had to fight one last year um i was just gonna do what i needed to do i was up in a tree and he was posted up thankfully soon after i cut my hand completely open and it started gushing blood thereby scaring the squirrel. Genius move on my part. Still got like an inch long scar from it. But when animals come at you, you hit them, you got to hit them with a growl. You got to look them in the eyes and you got to establish dominance. I don't care if it's a pug or a grizzly bear.

You establish dominance and you go, you act like you're about to go in for the kill. And you don't necessarily have to pretty much any of the time. Except, except I guess in the grizzly bear situation, which is slightly different from a pug. Largely because pugs probably can't even see you you know so i don't know how to establish dominance over a pug uh or how common those that that category of altercation really is but it's something it's definitely something to keep in mind um at the end of the day aren't we all pugs? You know, just bumbling about bumping into stuff. We're the results of a series of breeding that should have never Facilitated. You know, just inbred goons, largely.

Just bumbling about. Hoping the next generation is a little bit better off. Been getting back into the gym. It's been nice. I didn't realize how much aggression i had just sort of lying in my lying dormant in my spirit uh it's cool to to get out like murderous rage through like a leg press machine just just letting it all out you know Not murderous Not even really rage I'm a pin up guy sometimes

I just gotta I gotta I gotta warrior's heart I gotta navigate this world Just You just gotta be a big pussy Sometimes Sometimes people talk down to you And you gotta look them sometimes people talk down to you you gotta

look them in the eyes and say yes sir thank you thank you sir i'm i'm a bitch sir thank you so much and i don't really like doing that you know it doesn't feel like it's entirely in my nature or maybe it is and i don't want to admit it, you know. I wonder what the average person is just kind of hiding right under the surface, you know. Like, I'm holding a penny right now, and I know... You know, I know with a little bath it could be a real nice penny. But right now, you know, it's just... Speaking of the devil.

We're back to Abe Lincoln. Isn't that something? Man, he looked like a goddamn creature. This picture they used for him on the penny Was not one of his better pictures I acknowledge that it's a portrait Alright That motherfucker had some Giant ears

Hairline was not looking too great Gorgeous nose Great cheekbones Nothing to complain about regarding the chin Although You know there's a good chance he had that beard for a reason You know You put me on a coin I'd look fucked up

It would be a fucked up looking coin And that's why they won't let me do it I want to be on a 17 cent Coin I want to really start getting my name out there. And it used to be that was the easiest way to be president.

You know? All the best presidents, the way they did it was they got their face on a coin. And then, you know, people think about who to vote for. Well, look in your wallet. Look in your coin pouch.

You see them right there, you know. That's easy money. If I ever run for president, I want to be on a $1 million bill. It's only for millionaires. That's how I get my super pack going I would love to see a new type of bird emerge from the mist soon

maybe there's new birds coming out we don't know about. I don't know how the breeding works with each other. I don't know how new bird species are created. Are there bird hybrids? Are they like dogs? Could I cross a great blue herring and a flamingo if I wanted to? Almost certainly not. Seems like that's definitely not how that works. Maybe different types of finches can create a new finch.

Maybe there's a goose out there that's ten feet tall. We just haven't seen him yet. Maybe there's a goose. Anyway. haven't seen them yet, you know. Maybe there's a goose. Anyway, my computer just kind of crashed, but it looks like we're back in business. I don't know what the hell is going on. It's But it's okay You know, what can you do? What can you do? Anyway, as I was saying before What if there was a goose The size of a molecule

And you looked up in the sky And you saw just a tiny V up there a goose the size of a molecule and you looked up in the sky and you saw just a tiny V up there you probably wouldn't think anything of it but in all reality

it would be billions of geese that would be something that would really be something I wish I wish damn this crashed again we're gonna power through I'm not fixing this thing right now ah I love you

I wanna be your friend I wanna be your best friend My computer does not work. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to go bowling I want to go to the farmer's market And buy some more honey As it turns out For the last almost two years I've been saving the Zoom video files

And downloading them onto the same Drive that I have my operating system on and not on the terabyte drive I have for downloading the Zoom episodes on. I just downloaded them on the wrong storage drive for almost two years straight. So that's just a little kick in the head there, you know.

That's just old life saying, fuck you, pal. And that's okay. You know, you got to learn to accept that kind of thing. Because what can you do, you know. At the end of the day, we're all animals. We're all spinning around on a rock in space. We're dust. Dust, I tell ya.

We came from dinosaurs. My uncle was a dinosaur. And he said, Sonny, someday you're gonna be a big T-Rex. And you're going to eat other creatures. Little creatures compared to you. You're going to eat a big pterodactyl. And he's going to be like a chicken to you due to your

notably large size and yeah anyway that's my looks like that's my hour and I'm coming in at the bare minimum today thank you if you made it all the way through that did my best y'all check out the premiums

let's see Made it all the way through that. That did my best. Y'all check out the premiums. Let's see. Patreon.com slash PadeoTime. We got no live shows coming up at the moment, but we want to plan some shit in New York for the winter, hopefully. If not, well, I didn't promise anything, so don't get mad at me. Y'all have a good one.