Pendejo Time - On the Origin of Christmas, Evil, and the Known Universe

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

My grandpa, the Devil. Support the Show.

I'm finna tell y'all the story. Okay, Grandpa. But remember last time you told us the story, Mom got mad because you said... Shut up. You said it was all about a word I can't say. Remember, it rhymes with tushy. So you can't... Mom's gonna get mad at you if you tell the tushy story again.

I'm not gonna talk about that. and tell the touchy story again. I'm not gonna talk about that. What I'm about to talk about is something real serious. Okay. Something so serious it's affecting all of us. Okay, Grandpa.

I'm sitting down. I'm ready. I'm about to tell you about Santa Claus. Oh, I love Santa. He brings me a gift. And how we met. You met Santa Claus, Grandpa? Hell yeah.

The year was 1402. I was hanging out at a bar in Antarctica with your mom and her mom and

my mom you were hanging out with with my great grandmother and my mom and Santa at a bar in Antarctica in 1402 and your grandmother and your mama. And her mom.

Which is grandma. And her granddaughter. Which is my sister. And her grand sister. Which is my great aunt. Yeah. I think that covers everybody.

Okay, continue. I just wanted to make sure I had all my ducks in a row. Yeah, I appreciate you checking on that, because it's good to know up front who all is involved in the story. Right, in the story, you want to make sure that your characters are clearly established before you continue. Thank you. So it's me, Leroy the Pimp,

grandma, grand sister, great aunt, sister, mom, grandma, grandmother. Who's Leroy the Pimp? You haven't provided any context as to who he is.

Leroy the Pimp is my friend who's a pimp. Okay. I'm just a guy. I'm just Grandpa. Okay. I was thinking maybe when you said it was me, Leroy the Pimp, that maybe you were Leroy the Pimp. Nah. I always put my name before his.

Okay. Me, Leroy the Pimp. Yeah. So, it was you, a sex trafficker, and all the women in the family going back three generations, and you're hanging out at a bar with Santa at 1402 in Antarctica.

Nah, I wasn't hanging out with him. I was hanging out with your grandma, your grand-aunt, your great-aunt, your aunt, your grand aunt, your great aunt, your aunt, your mom, Leroy the pimp. Right, right, yeah. A sex trafficker and all the women in the family in Antarctica 700 years ago. Yeah, and let me tell you how it went down. Okay.

The year was 1972 i thought it was 1402 it was but that was way before that was years before okay the year was 1702 we're all sitting at this bar we're drinking candy cane liquor candy cane beer and a candy cane sprite and who walks in but mrs claus okay we all recognize her because she had on a red on a red outfit with white on it and it was fluffy and she had a big tray of cookies and milk.

And she came in with 25 reindeers and they took up the whole bar and all the reindeers was drinking grass beer. Yeah. And Mrs. Claus came in

and she said, give me your finest gingerbread and milk alcohol. And the bartender said, anything for your big fat ass. And then we you remember the next part of the story right

don't you great grandma grandpa I think maybe you've had too much rubbing alcohol in your coffee because I'm not great grandma I'm not your grandma i'm not i'm not your grandma i'm i'm your great grandson right your great grandson yeah i'm your great so you wouldn't know the next part of the story i mean but i would i guess i guess i could is this the part where so is this the part where you mrs claude sat next to you. And I don't,

I'm a little boy, so I don't know if I should say this part, but she drank all of her gingerbread and milk alcohol. And she pulled her red and white fluffy

robe to the side and showed you one of her boobies at the bar and that did not make mr claus really happy indeed she pulled out one of her boobies and when i saw it my little rudolph started going buck wild spraying jizz and coming all over the bar. And I ended up coming all over my own face. Because it was so sexy to see a boob. Lord have mercy. I'm sure ashamed that all the women in the family were there seeing that. Because it was poking.

It tore a hole clean through my pants like in cartoons. Like when somebody gets hit on top of the head with a hammer that's what was happening to my boner over and over getting harder and harder and it was like a geyser and it was like eggnog coming out of it it was so thick it was like all the sperms in my body wanted out right then it'll go straight into that boob but yeah she did that but i kept my cool i didn't make a scene or anything i just played it chill because i knew i was gonna hit that later so santa claus was pissed as fuck because he was there all of a sudden and he told me that santa claus has sort of like a like a sixth sense for these types of things.

Right. He always know when his old lady is giving some pussy away. Yeah. That's like it's like. Yeah. That's why you can't fuck his old lady or you get cold for Christmas. Yeah, that's the origin of the myth for sure. I remember my mom telling me that she sat me down and said, if you ever try to have sex with Mrs. Claus, you're going to of the myth for sure. I remember my mom telling me that.

She sat me down and said, if you ever try to have sex with Mrs. Claus, you're gonna get a lump of coal in your stocking. Yeah, that's a horrible, horrible marriage they got going there. Yeah. She's a real stepping out type of bitch. Yeah, no trust in that situation. You think by now it's been,

they've been married, what, 6,000 years? Yeah. Yeah, you think he would be fucking, I would be fucking elves if I was him. I'd be those little elves. Yeah, Mr. Claus should go through her phone more and see who she, she'd be Snapchatting. Yeah, if I was Santa Claus I would have the elves build me a giant pussy That I could fuck

Yeah I could see Yeah that's probably Like a toy I could fuck Maybe like a toy slinky I could bang That's great Or like a toy One of them toy gir. Or like a toy, toy,

one of them toy giraffes. Or a toy, maybe Lincoln Logs, I could bang. Or something like that. Sorry, I think I'm coming down with a cold. So, you're there with

Mrs. Claus, and something yucky happens. And then Mr. Claus materializes out of thin air because his wife of 6,000 years is suddenly stepping out on him again. What happened next, Grandpa? Well, I wish your aunt was here because she remembers so much of it. You know what I'm saying? But at the moment in this story, she's not. So I'll keep telling it.

You know what I'm saying? But basically what happened was, and this is between me and you. Don't ever tell anybody about this or I'll kill you. Is what happens is, and this really has to be a secret. Okay. What Santa is about to say must be a secret. Okay. Santa said,

what the heck is going on? And the whole place went quiet. He said, this isn't jolly. This is horrible. I hate when my wife cheats on me and he said no no no no fucking my wife at the bar and so basically i got soft real quick when that happened because i saw the power emanating from his belly and his stride was so strong.

I knew if he got his hands on me, he could do whatever he wanted to me right there in that bar in front of all the women in my family. He could wrangle me like a tadpole. And I knew in that moment, son, I knew what I had to do. that moment son i knew what i had to do and so i left the bar and we left and i never saw sin again that's a great story grandpa um and it kind of it explains a lot of the family dynamic, you know, because my mother hates Christmas. Her being, I guess, by the nature of the story, four to five hundred years at best. And your great-grandma, I hate when I cheat on her. And I think it's because of Santa. Well, you know, women don't like it when you cheat on them with mythical sort of matriarchal figures.

Nah. They don't be liking that type of stuff. Nah, but I wish Santa was here to tell his side of the story, but he's not. So it's okay. But as far as I remember, basically, we were just down at at the south pole because we would go but down there to hang out back when we was kids there was a land bridge from detroit michigan to the south pole yeah the uh the age-old detroit land bridge uh after the first ice age i remember yeah it was just it was a five foot by five foot bridge of ice that reindeer and people would cross to get from Detroit to the bar at the South Pole.

Yeah, and it only took a couple hours to walk. And so it was real convenient. And it was a really walking friendly land bridge, so it was like a big ice sidewalk, and there was like shade, and there were like no cars on it at the time, because this was over five years ago,, yeah, we used to hang out at the South Pole and we used to kidnap snowmen down there. And we would torture them. You'd melt them? Shit, we should've.

I never thought to do that. I would just give them carrot penises and then make them fuck me. Traumatize them. Give them a penis they never had before then take it away when they're done using it fuck me. Traumatize them. Give them a penis they never had before then take it away when they're done using it on me. I can imagine how mentally traumatizing that would be to be granted the power of sexual prowess

and then to be forced to use it on another man and then have it removed as if you never had it to begin with. Yeah, and then the man eats it in front of you. Yeah, that would probably mess me up real bad, probably forever. But luckily, I'm a normal human boy. Yeah, you lucky. You real lucky. I don't know why you're looking at me like that, Grandpa.

I'm lucky, too. I'm lucky to be alive. You were a general in the Great Christmas War, weren't you? That's right, and I don't like talking about it. You know I don't like talking about stuff that isn't appropriate for kids. Yeah, well, I feel like we've already crossed that bridge, the Detroit Ice Bridge. Yeah, so I remember back around,

this had to be around Christmastime one year, there was a big-ass war, and it was basically between the South Pole and North Pole. Mm-hmm. Very one-sided for the most part. But basically, the reason why polar bears and penguins and narwhals and all that shit is in danger is because a lot of them got killed by Santa and his crew of dancing men. That's what we used to call elves back in the day is the dancing men

because we hadn't even noticed they were short until we got up close. We thought they was real far away. You thought they were all just like Dominican guys. Yeah. Yeah, we thought it was sort of a, how you say, a cheap labor situation. You know, like maybe they just lived off like a piece of rice. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, like they all eat one piece of rice. They all eat one piece of rice.

But as it turns out, I was the piece of rice the whole time with how the war folded out. So I was a general. I was on the side of the narwhals and polar bears and shit. And we also had the Wizards of the South Pole. It's really sad what happened to them. Yeah. And we also had uh asians and uh we also had um we had all the celebrities we had asians and celebrities And they had elves and whales. So I just want to make sure I have all the belligerents in order of this great war.

You have Santa and all of the dancing men. His elves. And then that's his group. And then your group is comprised of yourself, the Generalissimo of the North Pole Army. South. South Pole Army. And then you had

Norwals, Polar Bears, Penguins, Tiger Seals, Asians, and celebrities. I just want to make sure asian celebrities had to be there no matter what so you know ken jong yeah ali aquafina bobby lee yeah jackie chan It's really great to have Jackie Chan on your side in the war. Yeah. But this was a long time ago, so it was like Jet Li. The lady from Kill Bill.

Bill? Yeah. This lady who used to do like massage videos and then this one Lucy Liu yeah and then the Asian

guy who played the fat bastard it was all them and and also it was all them and and also late stage Mickey Rourke oh wow like wrestler era Mickey Rourke was there

yeah yeah cause he was Asian celebrity so we got all us together and we used all our brawn and our brains and we decided what we were going to have to do. You fought against the evil Santa Horde.

We were going to have to kill Santa and all the kids in the Northern Hemisphere. The dancing men? Them too. Oh, okay. So, yeah. Wait, hold on. Hold on.

Yeah. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Sorry, I feel like you threw in there that you did an infanticide of all the children in the Northern Hemisphere as sort of a casual aside. Yeah, that was kind of like the original goal. That's what I was setting out to do originally and then like santa and all the non-asian celebrities wanted to team up against well all the non-celebrities wanted to team up just to stop me from killing all the kids in the northern hemisphere when this story started grandpa you really painted it like you were the good guy and then now

i i feel like i was before i was like definitely the good guy like um to like those like those people i was like you know like hanging with and stuff but like in the world view i could see how it could be spun against me right how like hitler's inner cabinet considered him a pretty chill guy but the rest of the world was sort of yeah but like with his you know right right but a lot of the world supported him too that's true yeah japan and italy and that's about it yeah and like and like Brazil, I guess. Yeah, for sure now. I don't know why so many Brazilians love Hitler.

But hey, you know. Yeah, a lot of it was because of that war we did on Christmas. Oh, wow. A lot of Christmas war veterans in Brazil now. Yeah. A lot of elves live there. Argentina and Brazil is just chock full of elves and veterans of the great christmas war yeah so like i was saying basically what we wanted to do was lay down the law the law being i gotta kill all the kids in the Northern Hemisphere. You gotta kill all the kids in the Northern Hemisphere.

And that would be any children under the age of 18. So that would include teenagers. So you're really... So you're really shooting for kind of like a eugenic situation. Like really just trying to get rid of anybody that could potentially become, you know, a parent themselves and then leave sort of home. I never thought of that, honestly. I just...

You're bored. I needed something to do. Yeah. And there ain't much to do in Detroit except for work in the factories and shit. Or like get your money up. Yeah, I remember you telling mom that you got laid off at uh at the ford factory so you got bored and decided to kill all the

children in the northern hemisphere yeah it sucked because i didn't know detroit was in the northern hemisphere either so you had to kill my dad yeah i had to kill myself and all that Because I was only 15 when this happened I had to kill myself I had to kill all my friends I had to kill But I knew I was going to have to kill myself last Or I couldn't You couldn't conquer the world

Yeah You're sort of like Alexander the Great I was worried I was going to turn 18 Before the war was over And I looked like a huge hypocrite Yeah, you wouldn't want something like that to happen. Right. And unfortunately that's exactly what happened.

Yeah you're still sitting here today. Telling me these great stories. That have a clear beginning, middle and end. Yeah so. How it all started was. We were at this bar. In the South Pole. Alright?

I was with your mama, your grandmama, your great aunt, your great grandmama, you, your daughter, two horses, 15 soldiers, 10 elves, a big bottle of grass

flavored alcohol 2 candy canes a robe Versace and Santa Claus and we was making a deal I said look Santa if you give me

all the money in the world and you let me kill all the children in the southern hemisphere, I will spare most of the children in the northern hemisphere unless I decide to betray you. And he said, that is a horrible deal. He said that. Why would we trade hemispheres? Why doesn't. Is there a population difference?

And I said, I have not looked into it at all. He said, all of Australia is in the southern hemisphere. All of South America. And I said, honestly, I do not know. Honestly, Grandpa, you're in great form. I thought the whole world was in one hemisphere.

I didn't know a hemisphere until that week. So, I'm still new on hemispheres going into this war. And Santa says, look, I don't give a fuck about any of the kids in the world but don't you fuck

with any of the kids that give me cookies every year you can only kill kids that are on the naughty list and I said fuck the naughty list Santa you bitch on the naughty list. And I said, fuck the naughty list. Santa? You bitch?

What I really wanted to do in that moment was kill myself and everybody in that room. I want to I want to I want to address something that you're an amazing military strategist to

to propose a deal and then within the sort of fine print of that not even fine print just sort of laying out at bold lettering top that there is a there is a path where i do betray you on this and and i go back on my word yeah i never really been a big man of my word honestly i know a lot of people that are yeah i like a lot of things one thing i do a lot in life um is i will say something i'll do the opposite right yeah i've been doing that my whole life i remember you know the day i got married to your great grandmama i said i will love you forever and I will never have sex with your cousin after this wedding probably

and then you're not going to believe what I did after that wedding what'd you do I robbed her at gunpoint and I had sex with her cousin so you robbed your wife at gunpoint and had sex with her cousin yeah just like I said I probably

wouldn't do it and I did it later that? Yeah. Wow. Just like I said, I probably wouldn't do it, and I did it later that day. Yeah, you're kind of like not a good guy at all, as it turns out. I really thought that maybe I came over for the holidays, I'd get a really sweet grandpa story about how you met, you know, grandma after the Great Depression. But as it turns out, as luck would have it, you seem to be some sort of 900 year old demon of betrayal uh yeah i kill people and i rob them yeah and uh i betray them a lot i remember

the first time i ever betrayed somebody was in the bible and um i remember in the Old Testament... Was it you who took Jesus to the top of the mountain and offered him all the land of the world? Yeah, that was me. I forgot about that one. Yeah, yeah, I remember, yeah. That's crazy you remember that.

Grandpa, I have a question for you. It's been weighing on my mind What's up little baby And since we started this conversation All evidence seems to point to the idea Or perhaps the chance That you might be the devil himself You know I guess I never really thought about it like that

I always thought of myself as more of a businessman Or a lover or a lover, a skilled lover. I wouldn't necessarily shy away from that point of view. You know, me being the devil, I would be hesitant to deny it. Because truthfully, I have not looked into it. I do know I'm in charge of the underworld. Right. But I don't really give a fuck about it so like

i basically have like middle management to get all that shit the apathetic landlord of hell you don't care i don't make there's no money in it i don't make any money right off having hell so it's all like clout based it's all like you're like a tiktok landlord really your money comes from the tiktoking yeah so if you if there's a chance that you might be the devil and you were you were the the one that offered jesus christ of nazareth all the land as far as his holy eyes could see but on the condition that he bowed down to you what was jesus like i'm sure you got to know him pretty well him being your sort of spiritual and kind of like eschatological archenemy and all that stuff that's a good question i don't i was

kind of on perks a lot at the time when he came around so i do not i do not remember him super well i remember he smelled good and he i could never look him in the eye that good because i was always nauseous around those times but i remember i would try and slip under his robe and turn him homosexual. Yeah, that was... Because I was his enemy, so I was putting him through trials. Yeah. And he would kick the shit out of me and say,

Satan, what are you... This isn't part of the trials. This was not foretold. Yeah. And I'd say, no, this is part of the Bible. They left that part out of the cat yeah i remember that i'd say i'd say i'm doing the bible to you right now this is part of the history hey jesus in like a few hundred years uh the the church and the state are gonna make some books

about you and me and and this is a part of the bible right i said this shut up i'm doing the bible to you right now don't even worry about it so he said i i he said i'm physically very able to resist you i'm a i'm a construction worker and i said shut up let me i'm i don't even like doing this i hate doing this but i'm doing it so you have to sin i'm driven by some sort of evil compulsion despite being evil itself manifest. Right. Right. First of all, very interesting that you were,

I guess you being the crown prince of hell, you were able to invent Percocet before they were invented and then be high on them in sort of your attempted sexual abuse of Jesus Christ and Nazareth. But another good question I have is, is it, you know I know you don't remember your time all that well during Christ's I guess you know classic coming-of-age story where he was born and then like 32 years go by and then he

dies and we don't know a lot of that in between period at least it's not canon what was it like being the snake being a snake is low key a lot harder than it looks because mouses as it turns out is fast as hell so

a lot of my time as a snake I know i'm the devil but a lot of my time was actually spent hunting yeah what i was trying to tempt adam and eve in them but i was getting so hungry and when i became a snake my mind became that of a snake's largely so it was very hard to learn how to talk in a snake's body because as it turns out it's not just an intelligent thing snakes can't really talk like they it's not like they you could make a snake smart and now oh now it can talk it don't got the shit for it it's got a tongue that's like a it's got tongue made made out of fucking Laffy Taffy. No vocal cords.

The only sound I could really make at first was Yeah, being a snake serpent. And that wasn't I loved basking as well. I liked to bask in the sun. I thought about staying a snake And then just dying

And then there wouldn't be a devil That would have really been awesome for the world And for the future of everybody If you could If you would have just stayed a reptile And died a reptile's death at the hands of a mongoose Or perhaps some sort of farmer Who didn't want you biting his hound dog

Yeah I could have been God told me if you want instead of having to because you betrayed me if you want you couldn't just be a regular guy and live forever and you only get to do regular guy things and i said no i want to be the devil and i want to be cast out from heaven and i want to uh i want to be the devil, and I want to be cast out from heaven, and I want to be basically an apartment complex manager for eternity. Yeah, but the complex would be, I guess, the souls of the sons of Adam. Yeah, it's kind of like upscale projects, you know what I mean? Well, since I have you here, Devil Grandpa, I have so many questions.

Chief among them is, there's been a lot of, I guess, scholarly theological style debates about where physically Eden was. Do you have any insight on where Eden is? Yeah, it was actually, most people would not see this coming. You know, most people would think it has got to be somewhere else the garden of eden was actually in orange texas and you know most people think why would it really the place from true detective season one where the bikers went? That can't be where the Garden of Eden was. But it was a different time. Right.

You know, it's called Orange because there was an orange tree in there. Right. And that's why it's called that. that and you know uh the the i would say you know the viter orange area used to be probably the most beautiful place on earth right beautifully flat incredibly humid sort of a hotbed for for for sundown towns and and and uh anti-segregationist politics even today in 2092 um right so so but it was a different time so it was orange texas is eaten that's where you encountered adam and eve yeah i encountered him on accident it was kind of embarrassing because i turned into a snake uh for something else i can't imagine what reason that would be.

Based on the nature of this conversation thus far, I can't imagine why you would have turned into a serpent upon seeing a naked man and a naked woman, the first two ever created. But I would love for you to regale me with the reasoning. Yeah, so back then we didn't have humans. God had to make them.

So I didn't know how to take a human form. So I just had to look at all the animals he had and shit and I picked the easiest one. Because there was one that was just a line that could curve. I tried to become a kangaroo. I fucked up so bad.

I had my heart was inside my lungs. And I started coughing up blood immediately. And I forgot to give myself knees. I didn't know about knees yet. I'd always been a spirit. You gotta understand. My first time being

a snake, I didn't give myself a spine and i was i just sat there you sat there for like two million years it's very confused yeah yeah i was somehow i was indestructible but i couldn't move it was kind of a hell of my own making which is ironic because i'm the devil right right right yeah i you would think i'd be able to kill myself but i couldn't and nothing would eat me because no sin had been committed yet so animals didn't eat each other so i just sat and nibbled grass i couldn't even kill myself i there's some horrible will to survive right even the devil doesn't want to die you know right and that really says something about the universe in general, I guess.

Yeah. But anyway, once I got the spine down, I was just sort of hanging out trying to catch a berry. And, you know, I come across two. Hold on, were berries able to run back then? Were they prey animals? I just thought they were fruit. Yeah, they was. I tried to catch one.

Continue. Yes, I was trying to catch a berry and I come across these two white motherfuckers. Uh-huh, of course, white. Chalk white. And handsome. Blonde hair. Blue eyes, 6'2".

No, no, it was blonde hair and they were black. And they were... You said chalk white, I'm confused. Their eyes were chalk white. Oh, they were, okay okay you came across two blonde black blind the first humans

God made I guess I guess he and they were both queer I guess I guess God was was sort of

his assignment was due last minute so the first two guys he could think to make were and they were both disabled yeah two blonde blind black His assignment was due last minute, so the first two guys he could think to make were... And they were both disabled. Yeah, two blonde, blind, black, disabled, queer... They were both in wheelchairs.

Yeah, which... I mean, honestly, look, I completely... They both had... One had multiple sclerosis, and the other had Down syndrome. And the other one that had multiple sclerosis and the other had Down syndrome. And the other one that had multiple sclerosis also had ALS.

And then the one that had Down syndrome also had had Severs disease. Because it was a dude who had Down syndrome and he was 7 feet tall. But he grew too fast and his legs was broken. I could totally... I could absolutely see...

Like, if you've been a worm for two million years with no spine trying to catch berries and eating grass and not even having the constitution for suicide or the physical capacity for it, despite being the devil, I could see how you, upon seeing two blonde, blind, black, queer, disabled, the first people, you could think that God could be a worthy adversary insofar as you're just a lowly snake, a vile serpent forced to crawl on its belly until the end of time, and then you hear about this guy that's making stuff.

And you're like, damn, I bet he's making something pretty fucking sick. And then you come across these two guys. Yeah, because in heaven, he was kind of like working at a startup. Because it was like a bunch of guys hanging out. And we were all excited because we'd been there for eternity. Right. And so we knew each other pretty well and then god was like all right you know what it's time for something new and we were like uh i guess right we've been singing your praises forever as you're as you

are sort of want to do as you're kind kind of... Yeah, and we loved it. We loved God, and we loved worshiping and dancing, and that's all we did in heaven. And I'll say I hated that shit. I hated dancing. I hated having a good-ass time. I wanted to have a horrible time. I wanted to be the devil.

I remember you... Sorry to interrupt. I remember you telling me that you were pretty chill with being one of his homeboys or whatever. And then he made that. Yeah, it was. And then I saw him doing this different shit. Yeah, he changed up on your ass. Why does he have a universe?

Why does he have Earth? I never had a planet in my life. He got over We all know how many planets there are He got so many of them So in essence grandpa you're saying That you became the devil out of a sort of Pocket watching type situation

It was sort of a player hater type situation I saw the guy doing shit and I said That ain't right They don't sit right with me Right right right Because we rode with him All the way to the top And now

I'm supposed to sit back And watch God Keep on being God For eternity And I don't get to do Anything cool I don't get to take Credit for what he did

Cause I started Taking I started telling people I'd say You know Like how he made The armadillo Yeah

I drew that shit in my journal last year i came up with that and then he stole my idea and i was rightfully pissed off yeah right i'd say you know the mesquite tree i designed it and now he's... He took the molecular compositions from me. Mm-hmm. I actually had the idea for helium. And he... He ripped that one off too, yeah. He ripped off helium.

I literally had it number one in my list of elements to make. And he looked right off the top, took helium. Mm-hmm. That's a little periodic table of elements to make. And he looked right off the top. Took helium. That's a little. Periodic table of elements joke. Right of course. Honestly. I may be the devil.

But I love high school biology. Biology is. Yep. That's the class. where you learn that for sure yeah that's right i meant chemistry yeah but bc back when i was was growing up in the blackness of the universe yeah the emptiness in angel school we took biology and chemistry in the same class

and we just called it biology right but it sucked because there was no life other than us so it was a really easy A for you guys there were no elements it was all just spiritual material you guys just sat there and kind of hummed as a purple light in the blackness of space for like

10 million years and you got a yes easy class yeah we used to gamble and watch world star on our phones it's crazy the elements weren't invented yet nor were metals but you guys had phones to watch yeah we have phones and we will uh we will watch like uh like clips from like key and peel and stuff on youtube right yeah time being sort of a a three-dimensional thing that you can see you know as sort of a linear plane yeah so i'm really glad that you have this sort of fully fleshed out origin of the universe story uh right it's cool and i don't really give a fuck about it but it's like it's nice so so back to the you're slithering around on the ground and you and you see the and you see adam and eve and you're like is this like an easy lick type situation? Because they're blind, and they're disabled, and they, you know, you being the devil and being a lowly serpent and all,

I would assume that maybe that is what piqued your interest. Because, again, you've been sitting on a rock basking for two million years, eating worms and berries. You know, these guys are pretty interesting, I would imagine. eating worms and berries. You know, these guys are pretty interesting, I would imagine. Yeah, I didn't really get what they were up to because

I saw one of them had a rib missing and I thought I didn't think anything because I was a snake. You just thought about mouse and berry, yeah. I thought about berry. berry yeah i thought about berry i was waiting for one of them to send so i could eat a mouse right because at the time i had been eating plants killing was not an option yet well yeah and snakes don't exactly have molars

true so yeah so yeah it's swallowing a pear whole is awful. Yeah. Yeah. So what, it was a pear, the fruit? Because that's another hotly debated topic. You know, some people... It was... Eve got Adam to take a bite out of a coconut. Right, there's so many coconuts in Orange, Texas.

Yeah. Well, this was back when it was Pangeas. Oh, that's right. Yeah, of course. Yeah, so it was all one big-ass thing. Orange, Texas was right next to Israel. It's easy to get the two confused. Yeah, there's still a portal

between the two. Yeah, it's at the Love's truck stop off of 146. Yeah, so basically, I crawl up to these two white motherfuckers, and I ask them, I say, what's with the two first people in the world doing here? And they say, look, you gotta talk to them. They're

important. It's in the Bible. And so I said, whatever. So I go back to Adam and Eve. Who were you just talking to? Two white motherfuckers. So these were two... These were two separate characters?

Yeah, they didn't end up in the final cut of the Bible. In Genesis, you had just two random white guys that were on the way. You slithered over. Just two white motherfuckers. They was nice. Wow, I wonder why they got cut out. That seems like a pretty critical point. Yeah, they were both dressed like Tim Allen.

They said, hey, neighbor. I said, what y'all doing here? And they said, ah, we're just thinking about setting up camp over here. It's a beautiful, beautiful park. I said, this ain't no park. This is the world. This is the most beautiful place in the world. And I said, this ain't no park. This is the world. This is the most beautiful place in the world.

And they said, yeah, nice. We're thinking about getting some permits. Maybe set up a tent out here. Right. I said, I got to go be in the Bible. I'll be right back. And so I went over to be in the Bible. And I talked to Adam and Eve.

And I said, what y'all doing over here? And they said, we're just not sinning. We're just, God told us to be here, and we're the first two people. Well, we're two of the first four people on earth. And I said, what, why four? They said, I don't know, but I think it's just going to be us two in the Bible if that's cool. I said, I don't care. I'm not writing it. And so I said, y'all know, but I think it's just going to be us two in the Bible if that's cool. I said, I don't care. I'm not writing it.

And so I said, y'all want to start sinning? Turning against God? Y'all want to commit sacrilege and destroy? Y'all want to eat that coconut up there? Yeah, I pointed at the big coconut palm. How'd you point? You're a snake. With my tail.

And I said, y'all want me to get a big-ass coconut out of there? And they said, God said, do not get a single fruit from the 100-foot-tall coconut palm. I remember that verse in Genesis. And I said, watch me. And it took me a long time to get up that palm because, as it turns out, not all snakes are that. Some snakes can climb pretty well, but I never tried climbing anything, so I mostly fell from about three feet over and over again.

Yeah, like 10 million years. Eventually, Adam picked me up and put me higher up where I could climb better. Mm-hmm. And then I went and got a coconut, but I shook the tree too hard and two coconuts fell and killed the other two white people. Oh,

that's what, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And they, they exploded from coconuts.

So they had to be standing pretty close to this whole. Yeah, they were, they had binoculars and they were just looking straight up they said wow that kid's thing's getting pretty close yeah they died so i dropped a coconut and eve starts munching taking bites out of it husking everything yeah yeah and she hands it to adam and she says if you don't take a bite out of this you a bitch motherfucker right you're a bitch mate

and I said y'all stop talking like that to each other y'all be nice alright I might be look I'm the devil I'll be honest but if I had a wife I would respect her you know and Eve said I'm sorry Adam

do you want a bite of this big ass coconut it tastes like uh fruit and he said nah i can't i believe in god and all that he's done for us and she said if you if you take a bite out of this I'll let you hit it from the back. Right, she'd already sinned so that made sense to her but no sense to Adam. Right, and he said, look, I don't even know what that means yet but I think I want

that. I think that's what I want. Yeah. He did it and I said, you stupid bitch. I said, you idiot. You crap ass. I said, you dumb son of a rabbit.

And then they both, neither of them went to hell, even though they committed like the, they fucked the whole world. Right. They ruined everything for everybody. Now we have free will supposedly and perhaps even pain during pain during childbirth predetermination that sort of yeah shame and guilt um desire for that which is not ours which is the source of all suffering i'll tell you one thing that was real confusing to me back in the bible people live in like 700 years what was that all about yeah but you're a snake so i mean you i know i'm a snake but like weirder shit is why did why did why did people just eat fruit and live to a

thousand years old and now we got like cures for cancers and stuff and we live to be like 17 i don't know i mean perhaps maybe that was was sort of part of the deal, you know? I mean, back then or whatever. Yeah, but like why Adam and Eve both lived to be like 400 years canonically. Yeah, wasn't Mephistopheles something like nine? The age of Mephistopheles was like 796 or something like that. Yeah, like what was they doing that whole time? Because they didn't have technology so they spent

like half of that time walking to get water yeah i mean any time basically before the time of now seems like dog shit personally i have another question for you devil grandpa what were the nephilim like the nephilim was chill as fuck i used to smoke out with them and we would roll backwards. And sometimes I would get a big bottle of Bombay Gin. Yeah. Bombay Gin. That and

they also drank Cavassier. Oh yeah, of course. Those classic Nephilim and their Cavassier. And the Disarano. They And the Diserano. They love the Diserano. So hold on. I just want to get that.

So these Nephilim really like Cavasier, Backwoods, and Bombay Gin. Yeah, and Diserano. Diserano, yeah. Yeah, okay. The Diserano. Yeah, so the Nephilim

I kind of fuck with them because they're like angels or giants you know like kind of yeah and one thing we would always do is we would prank people so a Nephilim would knock on the door and then run off

they called it Nephilim knocking Nephilim knocking knock on the door and then run off. They called it Nephilim knocking. Nephilim knocking. And then somebody would come out and just see the guy in the distance. And he'd be waving for help. And they would walk out of their house and say, what's going on? And then I would be the devil. And I would grab them and I'd take them to hell forever.

Right. That's a super funny prank, Grandpa. Yeah, I used to do it to people I grew up with. I went to school on Earth just to see what it was like. Yeah.

It was crazy how woke everything was. Yeah, you being the devil and all, I don't know how you really hate that woke stuff. Yeah, I just didn't agree with it. Like, they couldn't even talk about God in school and stuff.

Which you really support. Like, look, I may be the devil, but I still believe in... I mean, I guess I believe in God. He's like my arch nemesis. Yeah, right. It kind of justifies your existence.

Because if he's not real, then who the fuck am I? Right. You have no purpose. You have no identity. It's sort of tied up in him being. He's like my, I'm like his Joker. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure.

If there's no Batman, I'm just wreaking havoc. You're a guy in a clown makeup with daddy issues, just kind of hanging around downtown gotham fucking around being annoying yeah yeah so like i got pissed off at that i got pissed off because i didn't know about gender i didn't know well you weird i didn't know about gay people wait one second i didn't know devil grandpa adam Eve, you said we're queer. You had to have some conception of the concept. Yeah, I knew. Yeah, I get. Well, I didn't know about pronouns. And so that really threw me off as a devil.

You learned it later, yeah. Yeah, and I also didn't know. It's weird. I didn't know about. I think critical race theory really pissed me off. I didn't know about races off I didn't know about races I didn't know about racism which is crazy because I'm the devil right you're kind of the person who inspires

all the hatred and division of the world it's your job mostly you're kind of a shitty devil based on what you tell me you're not a very you're not a well accomplished I mostly yeah I didn't even know about racism but it's crazy because I realized things that I've been doing.

Oh, it's all good. Sorry. I realized things I've been doing that was racist. Oh, but that makes sense. Like I would send people to hell just for being not white. And I did that forever. know billions of years yeah and i started to almost feel bad about that because that's not a good system at all so then i started now i only send white people to hell and i've every white person goes to hell now you're kind of flip-flopped on the issue in that

way yeah i figure I'd give it another 6,000 years or so of this system And then I'll go to equality But I gotta make up for lost time You know what I'm saying So like Mr. Rogers Betty White Steve Irwin

All in hell Queen of England Let's see Who did I let into heaven Harvey Weinstein you let him in Hell. Hell. Queen of England. Well, that's a given. Let's see. Who did I let into heaven? Harvey Weinstein. You let him in. He's alive, but yes, I will.

Oh, yeah. Fuck. He is physically alive. I think spiritually he has been dead for some time. I think I let his spirit in, but not his body. His body has more pain. Let's see. Who still? Aaron Hernandez I let into heaven. Crispin Watt. spirited but not his body his body has more pain uh let's see who's still aaron hernandez i let into heaven chris and wat heaven yeah good guy um who else the btk i let him into heaven

uh it's weird because heaven kind of defers to me on the filtration process and i feel like i shouldn't be in charge i feel like 100 should not be in charge i feel like i should be like the jail keeper but i'm like on a contract like i don't yeah you're like a corrections officer like you wouldn't you wouldn't you wouldn't let a prison guard be the judge you know right uh so i guess fast forward know, from the time when you encountered the first four humans, two white motherfuckers, as you say, that just two Tim Allen-looking white pasty-ass motherfuckers looking to get land permits, I guess, to perhaps start some sort of beef agricultural endeavor.

Fast forward to the birth of Christ, what? endeavor fast forward to the birth of christ what you know the king at the time he uh herod or heron i always get the two confused uh he was like i can't have none of these jewish ass babies so i'm gonna kill all of them was that you or was he having a bad day honestly i didn't it's and this is so weird on my part this is my bad i didn't know about judaism oh that makes sense yeah at the time and then he said that and i said who what are jewish babies and i started looking into it um and i thought yeah i thought this isn't. I don't like what he's doing with this. Because the more dead people that get killed, the more I got to work.

Yeah. So I'm not a big fan of genocide or anything like that. And I really don't like people treating each other unfairly. I don't like envy, greed, murder. Wrath. The seven deadly sins are like your least favorite things, basically. It's more work for you. So whenever he said that, I said, that's just not right.

Don't be doing that, Herod. And I didn't really stop it very successfully, I will say, because I didn't really intervene. That's the thing I do. I kind of allow stuff to happen. You know, like a lot of the genocides of the world, I'll sit back and I'll think, somebody's got to do something about that. Right.

You or God kind of, they don't, you guys don't really get your hands dirty really at all. We do most of it. I mean, you know, it's kind of the nature of the whole thing. A lot of times when people do bad stuff, I don't even, like, they'll get sent to hell and I forget to even punish them. So they'll just basically live in an apartment and they'll live a regular life like on Earth. And they'll get to see their family.

They got jobs. Hitler is a, he's a janitor down here. That's a far, that's a far cry from what he was you know here on planet earth so i guess that's an apt right right but like he makes he makes he's got like a good retirement plan and stuff hit loose the janitor from goodwill hunting down in hell just really good yeah like yeah he's just he's just drawing a swastika on the blackboard people walking in like how'd you come up with that? Robin Williams comes up to him and is like, gosh, damn, boy, that's a crazy-ass piece of art.

That looks like a hard-ass man. He's like, thank you, I invented it. I'm Hitler. I invented the swastika. I'm Hitler. It's kind of like he's Albert Einstein. Yeah, it's his theory of relativity. Anyway, Grandpa, sorry, my voice got really deep there for a second.

I appreciate you telling me both the origin of Christmas and the origin of the known universe. I really loved, I love our little chats. It ain't no problem. I didn't give a fuck. And I don't really like hanging out with my grandkids that much, but it was okay. Well, I appreciate it. If you don't mind, I got to go back to being the devil soon. That's okay.

That's fine. I got to go back to being a 46-year-old man. I know. You're doing so good at your job. Yeah. I'm so proud of you Yeah But when you grow up

I don't want you to be the devil I want you to be a good man Whenever you're 5,000, 6,000 years old I know you're part devil But always stick to your human side You know Right If you want to turn into a snake

That doesn't have a spine don't do it it sucks if you want to watch world star on your phone don't do it that's what the devil does all day yeah i was told all you need to worry about doing it is going to work and being a good man i can't wait to be a 6,000-year-old gas station attendant. That's just... You're going to do just fine, son. I'm going to do just fine. You know, God told me that the easiest way to get into heaven

is to go to patreon.com slash pandejo time and subscribe to the Patreon there for five bucks a month to get access to the Ancient Tomes, which are all the backlogs episodes. I heard that's where the angels live. Yeah, and then you get to join the angel chat, which is the...

Yeah, it's called Jake's Angels. The Discord is called that. Yeah, that's the other private channel. Yeah, no one's really allowed in there, just me and whoever I decide. It's a really low-key channel. Yeah, go to patreon.com. It does us five bucks a month. You get access to all the backlog of episodes and discord access,

access to Jake's angels and 10 bucks a month. Get you access to all the video episodes, all the bonus audio episodes and all the discord access. And then 50 bucks a month gets you access to nothing but that stuff. And you just get to give us 50 bucks a month, which is cool. If you want to do that. We also have some shirts going out, some sweatshirts.

If you ordered them, they are being packaged and shipped out currently. Some of you might get them in the next week or so. We also ordered a whole new run of them. So if you missed the – they sold out pretty quick. So if you missed the first run, if you weren't at the Chicago show, shout out to those guys again. You didn't get to get them on Patreon. We will

be doing another Patreon exclusive run. A short run of them. Those will go pretty fast. If you want a Pandejo Times sweater, get on that shit here in a few weeks. I'll post the link. I've got about half of the sweatshirts sent out already out already i'm gonna try and get all of them sent out on monday so uh some of you will get if you now even if you ordered like five minutes after the link dropped

you were towards the end of the line they like they really fast. So just a heads up. I think I've packaged, I think, close to 15 of them. And the last one that I packaged was ordered at like 5.03, and the link dropped at 5 o'clock. So, yeah, just a heads up. Those should be arriving for the most part next week, if not early the week after. Badass. Yeah, we got another run coming

and more cool shit in the works for the fans. Yeah, I guess that's it. All right. Oh, yeah, Bob, Happy Thanksgiving, fuckfaces. This is the Thanksgiving episode. And for Thanksgiving, you've got the origin of the known universe and Christmas, which I guess is down the road. So there's your gift. All right.

Well, if, yeah, forget what I said earlier. You are probably about to have your sweatshirt. Yeah, yeah. Forget that. You probably may already even be wearing it. earlier you are probably about to have your sweatshirt yeah yeah forget that you probably may already even be wearing it yeah i forgot what day it is today so yeah yeah but yeah all right fellas thank you for listening we love you goodbye