Pendejo Time - open mic night

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

everlong voice hellooooooooo........ im thomas and im gay......... Support the Show.

Welcome to, uh, welcome to, uh, Pendejo Time. Pendejo Time, uh, Youth Sunday Service. Thomas, if you want to come and give yourself to the Lord, you know, uh, He accepts you. Arms wide open, you know, He's there, He feels you. He's inside of you. Really? He is, yeah.

And if you ever want to accept God, and you ever want Him to be in your life and be in you, and be with you, He is there all the time. That's good. He's there next to you in bed. He watches you all the time. That's good. Next to you in bed, he watches you brush your teeth. He watches you do your bedtime duties, whatever Thomas' bedtime duties are.

Pretty much just brushing my teeth. Okay, well, every little boy has his nighttime duty. Sometimes I floss and I bleed a lot. I just realized that's the chords to You Can't Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones. You can't always get your dick sucked at the store. How about a weed one? I got a weed one.

Alright, go for it. Ready? How about a weed one? I got a weed one. All right, go for it. Ready? You smoke lots of weed in a blunt. You smoke gangster weed, weed blunt.

You smoke pot and weed blunts. But if you try sometime, you smoke, it's a crime. Smoking on weed. Smoking on weed. Yeah, that's awesome, man. That's a really good song. What's that? Hold on. Let me see if we got it.

We got it. Hold on. Let me turn it on. Let me turn it on. A little bit. We got it here still. Yeah, we got it. We got it.

We got it. Went down a little bit on the old box. This is Thomas is going to do Xi Jinping Singing Landslide By Mike Fleetwood Mac Thomas you always do such a good impression Of Chairman of Mr. Xi

Yeah and I definitely remember how this This song's lyrics and I'm not about to Google them. I took my ride. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta just get ourselves situated here. I'm not sure if I've ever listened to this full song. I don't know the song, dude. I don't listen to Fleetwood Mac.

Oh, okay, fuck. All right. Hold on. I got so many in the chamber. Xi Jinping has to sing something. What Alice in Chains songs do you know? I know a couple of those. I'm not sure if I know.

Let's see. Alice in Chains. I know I've heard some of their songs, but I couldn't tell you off the top of my head what any of them are called. Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. That's alright, I got a couple. Let's see what we got here.

Oh, just a little... A little reggae Xi Jinping. Who's this? It's just reggae chords. It's just ska chords, but I'm imagining Chairman Mr. Xi in Jamaica. He's on vacation. What would he sing about, Thomas?

You ready? Yeah, let's hit it. I smoked a Chinese weed. I'm living in a tree And I got dirt All on my Chinese knees Ooh, living in the sand I'm a Jamaican man

Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. That is a notorious Chinese mastermind, Xi Jinping, on vacation in Jamaica. I don't know why he'd go there and then smoke Chinese weed. Yeah, I don't know either. You know they have the best weed in China. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Mr. Penis. Do they have the best weed in China? Is that true? Yeah. Is that true? Check. Maybe. We're good? Oh, yeah. There we Penis. Do they have the best weed in China? Is that true? Yeah. Is that true? Check. Maybe.

Oh, yeah, we're back. That's why they say they're smoking Bin Laden. Do they smoke Bin Laden over there? Is that true? The jury finds it to be true that they smoke that high dollar gas. Right, right, right. Yeah. Is yen their currency?

Yen? I think it's yen. Yen? Yeah. Or is it yen? Yen. I think it's yen. Y-E-N, yen.

Yen. Mm-hmm. Smoking Chinese weed in my Chinese trees. Whatever could a Chinese guy need? What's this one? That's Back in Black by ACDC.

You got one for that one? We can do that one. Where could we possibly go with that one? That's TNT, right? Oh, that's TNT. Yeah, not back at all. I don't even know what I'm saying.

Yeah, that's TNT. Yeah, that's TNT. Fuck. Because I'm smoking weed. Yeah, there we go. Late at night. Smoking weed. And drinking Sprite. Smoking weed.

That's what I love. Smoking weed. Out of a glove. Smoking weed. My friend Tom. Smoking weed. The bomb. smoking weed my friend tom smoking weed the bomb smoking weed i've been to jail for smoking weed now i'm in hell see me smoke all of the weed blood. Wait, wait, wait. See me...

See me smoke all of the weed blood. I like to smoke some weed. Out for all that I can smoke. Because I like to smoke weed Smoking weed It is good It's in a joint Smoking weed It is hard

Smoking weed points Cause I'm smoking weed with my friend Tom. Smoking weed is the bomb. Smoking weed. Go to jail. Smoking weed. I'm in hell. Man, that was really good.

That was a good one. I'm really happy that everybody's going to like that one a lot. I think I've been clipping this whole time. Am I clipping on your end? Is it sounding like I'm clipping? No, I think it's fine. Solid. That's awesome for me.

How about you do Sultans of Swing now? Okay. I don't know if I can do that one. No, I was kidding because it gets really complicated. You do like a perfect solo and I'm like, oh, damn, okay. Oh, yeah. Fucking penis, penis, penis,

penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. And Jake doesn't mind if he doesn't smoke the weed. If you could smoke one weed One weed In a blunt And it was made out of pot Would you do it?

Or would you pass the blunt On to the next player? This is a song You better smoke The weed smoking on the blunt And it's got weed in it and it is the blunt of I'm smoking it. Smoking the weed hot and smoking on weed pot and smoking the get it hot off of the smoke. I'm smoking on crazy weed smoking and smoking on it and it was a weed

that I was smoking token smoking and token on Smoking the toke weed Smoking Jamaican, smoking weed I'm not afraid I think actually it's the same chord I don't even want to I'm not afraid I'm not afraid To take a stand To smoke weed

Everybody Everybody Take a blunt. Take a blunt. I'm not afraid. Come together. Smoke the weed. Smoke the weed.

H-No is from a tree. Everybody. All right. That was called... Smoking weed and it tastes really good and it's in a blunt. Yep. That's a classic one. You know, I didn't have an idea. I was really just stringing my guitar before we started this.

And I was like, well, I already got it, you know. So I figured I would run through all the songs I learned in junior high. And then Thomas could just, I guess, I didn't intend for it to be about smoking weed. But, you know, we're going to go the smoking weed route, I guess. There's other stuff that we like. There's other stuff. We can move on. Yeah, we can move on.

You know, that's a good one, too. You know, I wish you had your bass with you. You could do the Seven Nation Army loop for 25 minutes. I'm gonna smoke some weed! A seven gram blood couldn't get me high! Hold on, wait, hold on, we're figuring it out. No. There we go.

Ready? Yep. Yep. I'm gonna smoke some weed A seven gram blood couldn't make me high I'm gonna smoke it all And now I got blood on my hands and body And I know that I just killed my friends And now I'm going to jail.

I'm going to suck your dick. I'm going to suck your dick. Did you ever see that old Christian tweet? No pirate in the USA. It's hard for me to not steal this. Yeah, okay, yeah. It was Seven Nation Army, but it was, I'm gonna suck him off. And it was like a Seven Nation Army couldn't suck my cock.

I think that was it. It was like, I'm gonna beat him off or something. Shout out to Christian for that one. Christian. Thanks, buddy. You got us through that little bit, you know. Going to the store for a getaway I like the blue but they run out of it So I got the green instead

But not the green apple The one that's kinda got the cucumber flavor What? Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo But it's really more of a guideline and you can do pretty much whatever you want. They have clean bathrooms and I feel like you can definitely jerk off in there if you want. I think I'm going to put this thing away. Maybe I'll bring it back at the end. Mostly just because I'm starting to sweat. Working up a sweat working up a sweat

working up a little sweat in my little sweat hole we should do a hip hop style episode yeah that would be I'll just get out I think I still have that beat maker software that I downloaded drunk

a long time ago on my computer that would be sick I think it's called Serato it's like a like a beefed up Fruity Loops I was trying to make like Mad Lib stuff on it, and I realized I don't know anything about beat production. I guess I did.

I made like some stuff that was like, it sucked, but I was like, oh, there's a bass. Like, you know, it was working for a second, but I think I still have it. That would be, I don't know how to run it through Audacity, but I'm sure that everyone would love a nice hour, hour and a half long flow session from the boys themselves. Going to the store and I see some pants that I want. I'm smoking a blunt in France.

That's right. We're smoking a blunt in France. And they have stores in France. And I got some pants. Yeah. Dude, we smoke so much weed, me and you. That's why we're doing songs about it tonight. People are going to get the idea that we smoke a bunch of weed,

and they will be 100% correct that we can smoke weed and we like it, too. It's something that we thoroughly enjoy doing. Dude, you ever done a wake and bake where you smoke weed when you wake up? No. Every day, dude, wake and bake. How does that work? You wake up, you roll up a blunt of that real shit and you blaze it up like a real toker like our forefathers did you know that george washington used to smoke weed no man can you tell me more about that yeah um he would smoke weed with all of his slaves he was like the chillest slave owner in the

world so he would get his his slaves just hella blazed up on that yeah dude and they just go out there and they like liked it yeah they were like you know i don't even want to be let go because this is so dope that's the history it's like if wiz khalifa made you a slave bro you would love it bro that's the history you don't learn in Texas high school because they don't tell you about that real shit. I want to be Wiz Khalifa's slave when I grow up. Didn't he hire something? He had like an intern.

I think it was like a thing that he was doing for like two months. Oh, just to roll blunts or joints? Yeah, something like that. I think he might have one. I think 2 Chainz might have one, too. I love 2 Chainz, man. I wish the best for him. I hope he fucking makes more money and gets more millions of dollars.

The thing about smoking weed and being George Washington is a lot of people think you're a not chill guy. But you're actually super chill. because of all the war and shit yeah because the war and you know the like the slaving and the stuff like that but again like you said the slaves this is this is the history show uh with me and thomas two guys who have a really hard grasp of the way the world works and and you know george washington as thomas mentioned is pointed out so astutely by the way the world works. And, you know, George Washington, as Thomas mentioned, has pointed out so astutely, by the way. Thank you, Thomas. Thank you.

Very astute. George Washington blazed on that fire good good, and his slaves loved him for it. They loved that he— He had some of the—to his credit, he had some of the best slaves in the world. 100%, 100%. And they, you know, like the other guy in the other field, he would look over and the slaves would be really happy and they'd be having a good time.

And they'd be like, man, you know, what's the difference between them and us, you know? And the other slave master would be like, well, because they smoked that good good and y'all are on the reggie. That's right. That's right. That's right. In fact, whenever George Washington died, his ashes were sprinkled into a blunt. And everyone on his estate got to take a hit off the massive weed blunt.

A hundred percent. And it was really a beautiful moment. It was. A lot of people did you know that the light bulb was invented because of smoking weed i heard that i heard that that it was hard to light a candle and light yeah blunt with a candle so uh thomas edison got with some of his like yes his slaves and he uh invented the light bulb because it was a lighter that never went out because he was like he had a vision from god and uh yeah that's why he invented the light bulb so he could smoke down and also so he could keep an eye on his nugs yeah because in the dark you know you lose sight of your nugs they fall yeah you don't want to lose sight of your nugs little

monsters come and get them they put them in their pockets and they go away you don't want to have that stuff happen to your nugs especially when you're smoking that real shit that armadillo sperm you know yeah because you can smell it but it's always nice to have an eye on it you know you know i love about good weed it's how sticky icky icky icky it is you know yeah i love how sticky it is and i love how it makes me feel just like just like a real like like a real motherfucker. Yeah, and it smells really good, too. It's not overpowering or anything.

No, no, no. And people like it when I'm stoned as fuck at a funeral. Because they're like, man, that guy's so chill. He's not even crying or anything. His dad died, and he's just hanging out. Because I'm off that fire shit and i go up to my grandma and i'm like grandma i'm sorry that your son's dead but i'm off that good good i'm off that good cushion i'm off that alcohol and i have some down bitches that i can call

yeah i don't know what i do without y'all but you know those guys are gonna ball till the day they fall you know you know who said that nikola tesla who also invented lightning yeah he also invented but those guys are going to ball until the day they fall. You know who said that? Nikola Tesla, who also invented lightning. Yeah, he also invented the Tesla. He invented the Tesla because he needed somewhere to go to get his weed. Dude, imagine if Nikola Tesla and Elon Musk could smoke weed together. Dude, honestly, it might cause us... If I had a time machine, that's probably what I'd do.

I would do that, and then I'd also go back and kill all the dogs. Yeah, well, a lot of people think that dogs are good, but if I had a time machine, I would do that and then I'd also go back and kill all the dogs. Yeah, well, a lot of people think that dogs are good, but if I had a time machine I would go back and kill every dog that existed. I would kill all the wolves so there couldn't be any types of dogs. They're two different animals.

Are they? Yeah. It's interesting. What makes them different? Ears. Oh, okay. I didn't think about that. Yeah. Different ears. Different ears. You know, the thing I love about smoking weed is that a lot of people don't know this,

but the reason that they crucified Jesus, he was smoking on it. And he was getting too heady for the Roman Empire. and he was getting too heady for the Roman Empire. And so they had to execute him on the cross because he was rolling down with the big dogs and chiefing like a fucking champion. People were really mad at him for that. They didn't like that at all. They didn't like it at all.

No. Did you know that Benjamin Franklin smoked weed? I did not. No, I had no idea. I thought he was like a like a mean guy are you saying he was really chill no he was really chill yeah he invented electricity to use on blunts and weed so he could make the first so he could make a yeah he put a joint in the kite he put a joint up in the kite and then the lightning hit the joint and then yeah

you know keys and kites you know that guy had to be smoking some major cabbage. Yeah, he had to be hitting just some of the devil's lettuce, some of that. He used to smoke Supreme Carts. And Obama runs. Yeah, a lot of people like the Goku Karts. That was, Benjamin Franklin invented the Goku surfing cart, and he invented the alien head cart. He invented South Cart. He invented the alien head cart. He invented South cart. He invented

the oxy cart. Just a lot of the classic carts that you can buy at the gas station. Places like Oregon and California. We have to thank our forefathers, our founding fathers, for what they did for us, which was bring good tree to the masses. Because I love

weed. This was sort of originally founded as somewhat of an herb haven. Yeah, like a big drum circle where everyone could just get together and vibe. People like to complain. They like to say, oh, this country is racist or whatever,

but I mean, everybody loves to smoke weed. Chinese people, black guys, Asian people, Puerto Rican guys, Honduran guys, white guys, Asian guys, Mexican guys. They all like to smoke. And, you know, that was the whole point of this country was smoking on that hot fire until your lungs collapsed. Yeah.

That's sort of what this country was founded upon. Right. I wish Bob Marley had lived till today you know a lot of people say they say oh well why didn't he could be Job Marley like he could have gotten a job

but he smoked weed and so he instead he just sort of chose to vibe yeah yeah that's true Jake that is true I think a lot of people sort of thought of him chose to vibe. Yeah. Yeah, that's true, Jake. That is true.

I think a lot of people sort of thought of him as a slob, Marley. Because he needed a damn haircut and to pull up his pants. But when you look past that, you know, he meant a lot of things

to a lot of people you know how few posters there would be how few Samsung backgrounds there would be without Bob Marley college dorms would look so empty without Bob Marley so many college students wouldn't know

sort of how to so many of the most annoying girls in community college would have nothing to hang on their walls without Bob Marley. So many frat guys would not have anything to sort of tether their weed smoking to without Bob Marley. You know, it has to have something to tether to it. Everybody knows that.

You know how many Jamaicans would have to get a job nowadays if it weren't for Bob Marley? Because they were the ones that were championing against the Job Marley movement, which was a really popular movement led by anti... You ever see Cool Runnings? Dude, I think I actually... Splendid movie. I think I had to watch it in high school.

Apparently, it's based on a true story or whatever, but the original guys from it didn't smoke weed or anything. They were serious guys. The original guys from it, like, didn't smoke weed or anything. They were, like, serious guys. And then in the movie, there's a bunch of, like, goofy, like, weed-smoking, like, Jamaican stereotype doofuses. So all the guys who the movie was about were, like, we were super proud of this. And we, like, worked really hard for it. And then you guys made a movie about how all Jamaicans are, like, have, like, a first-grade reading grade reading level and like just blaze up all day

that uh something similar did you you know that movie The Blind Side right with Sandra Bullock yeah so I just took it I didn't know I mean it is it's inspired by a true story but um apparently there was like the guy who was based off of like was like dude I can read like I was not like in the movie sandra bullock's like i'm gonna take you down a target we're gonna get you some slacks and we're gonna you're gonna learn to read very hungry caterpillar and we're gonna watch nick at night and nick jr and you're gonna and like he's like yeah okay we gotta i'll run the ball but in real life the dude was like no i I got adopted. But I can read like I'm not.

There was no part of me that was like not capable of reading. Why is that in the movie? And it's like it's an important part of the movie. It's just inspired by you. We're not saying it is you. The guy does have your name and he does have your mom's. The mom's name is your mom's name. And he looks kind of like you.

And he was adopted. He does play football. But it's not you uh it's just a sort of a new take on your character where you can't read and you can't like wipe your own ass and you can't like eat your own food and you have to have like a kind of karen type white lady guide you through life yeah they turned him into just like a troll or something yeah like a like a radio type motherfucker motherfucker. And I remember when I... It was like the same... A similar... I don't know. There's a bunch of stories about like...

Like that Captain Phillips movie, the dude from Sualia, that they got to play the fucking main pirate. They paid that guy like 20 grand, which is an insane amount of money to that dude. No doubt, you know, he was, you know... But everybody, like even like the lower end like you know minor characters got more and you know there was this issue with payment dispute and

they were he was like he honestly kind of like rocked in that movie but he was like oh i thought i should be paid a little bit more maybe like a hundred grand and like you know meanwhile like everybody else got way more money i love it when movies kind of take... You know, Hollywood, I don't know if you know this, is a dark place. There's a lot of... Really? I never thought of it like that. Well, because they don't smoke weed in Hollywood. And if they did, they would chill out.

They wouldn't fuck as many children and sell them. Imagine if Bryan Singer smoked weed. Yeah, I would like to think that if Bryan Singer took one toke off of that sticky green, he wouldn't have had sex with so many teenage boys. Yeah, I would like to think that if Bryan Singer took one toke off of that sticky green, he wouldn't have had sex with so many teenage boys. Yeah. Allegedly.

Allegedly, he wouldn't have done that. Right, we don't want people to think he actually did something like that. No, we don't want to get, you know, sued or anything because there's not like

there's mountains of evidence to support that. But, you know, sometimes you just got to fire from the hip. And here on Pandejo Time, we believe in firing from the hip, which brings us to our next, our first ad read.

Since a certain type of wallet, that's going to be rocketlaunchers.gov. You can go and buy a rocket launcher. Can we? a rocket launcher. Can we? You can use our code for the rocket launchers at ridge.com slash Pandejo. Dude, I wonder, I really wonder if that code still works. I haven't tried it, but the whole, like, the ending and the beginning and the middle part even was very sort of like, all right.

Like, part of me is like, if it's still working... Actually, I'm going to check right now. I'm going to go... They never sent me a wallet. No, they never did. All right, we're about to find out if this shit's for real. Did they ever shut the code off? did they ever shut the code off

uh... uh... scott order a lot and i'm gonna see you know had a cart decline and the cart here we go uh... let's go to check out at the carbon fiber let's see

carbon fiber I don't know I don't know how to do it right now I'm not going to waste time doing that I don't know how to buy stuff right you wouldn't want to waste time on this show wouldn't want to do something like that no I would never want to do anything like that

you're right. Because this show is a very serious show. People know that it's something to be taken seriously. It's something that we must not fuck around on. Do you think Obama... There's no reason for him to not start smoking weed again now that he's out of office. He's never been the president.

I buy the conspiracy theory that he was like a cocaine seller and user. I think that's probably pretty accurate. But now I think, well, he was smoking like two packs a day when he first became president. And they were like, you can't be doing that. And so he had to quit. So I was always curious as to who bought his cigarettes for him. Because you can't... Imagine being a guy who works at a gas station in D.C.,

and Barack is like, I'm going to get two packs of Marble Reds, please. I'm sure it was some Secret Service guy or whatever. But to answer your question, yeah. I think he probably smoked weed. And I think he still does. Do you think a former president, like, okay, exclude Bill Clinton because he's, like, evil. But, like, former presidents are old.

But old people get into some shit, you know. Do you think a former president's ever got into like oxy and they just kind of have to like hide it or whatever like jimmy carter's damn near 100 years old motherfuckers probably popping little beanies little beanie weenies i don't know uh i feel like the older presidents like there's there's no way, like, Nixon wasn't just, like, getting fucking hammered every day when he got out of office. Well, I mean, yeah, LBJ pulled his penis out all the time. That was his big gag. He, like, liked to pull his pecker out of his pants or whatever.

And apparently he had a big old mean motherfucker, a big old cane-toed ass dick. Real big, sort of wide. Yeah. Kind of like how you like them uh real big sort of like girthy wow that makes my mouth water just thinking about real bumpy uh real loud too kind of like a loud loud what does that mean it's just when it like when you when it gets pulled out and you look at it it like commands the room that's what i mean by really like the penis comes out of the trousers and you're like god damn that mouth trousers yeah yeah well because

lbj wore trees presidents wear trousers they don't wear pants you know so lbj's penis was like that of a bullfrog just sort of big and fat and loud and wide and that's the kind that you like and uh so i imagine he probably got down with it. I'm sure, like, who was the president that used to throw, like, full-blown ragers in the White House? It was one of the early ones. I think it was, like, Jackson or Hamilton. I don't know if Hamilton was.

I don't know anything. But I think it was. I think it may have been Jackson. He would throw bangers. Like fucking moonshine. I don't think it was called Moonshine then, but like ragers in the White House and shit. That's what's up.

Bro, if I had those in the White House, bro, I'd be smoking so much weed in it, dog. I feel like nowadays it's like, well, couldn't you just get the best yak in the world? Yeah, again, that was something because like there was this like, people were like, oh, Barack Obama used to do cocaine when he was in like college or whatever. It's like, yeah, I don't give a fuck about that. But I feel like if you do cocaine, like if you're running for president

and you maybe taper it down a bit and then you win, dude, yeah, you can get the fucking, you can get that fish scale shit that like makes you fuck. Well, he was a senator before that. Right, right, right. Yeah, but also, I think he was a law professor or something like that. I'm thinking that that motherfucker... If you're a president, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, whatever the fuck you want, you get.

But it's super hush-hush. But also, do they kill the dealers? Because if I get a text message from a from an unknown number and i'm a plug in dc and it's like hello uh we know what you're up to i mean the government just has massive amounts of cocaine it's complicated constantly yeah you don't have to go through a street dealer you're right i'm an idiot i was thinking that you just that they like did like eagle eye shia labef. They don't call somebody who went to college with Barack Obama like, hey, you still got runts or whatever?

Like CIA is on Snapchat or whatever. Can I get a 20? CIA like all black and then just text like, can I get a 20 sack for Barack Obama? My boy Barry. My boy Barry needs a little snooter. Do you have a little snooter sack for my boy fucking Barack? I My boy Barry. My boy Barry needs a little snooter. Do you have a little snooter sack for my boy fucking Barack? I'm guessing so.

I mean, Bill Clinton smoked hella weed and hella tree and big fire. Does old Barry talk about it in his book or something? No. So when he was running a lot of the early conspiracies, this is 08, 09, 08, 07. A lot of the, like, early conspiracies, this is 08, 09, 08, 07. Like, a lot of the conspiracy sites that were, like, he's, uh, I only know this because of my Meemaw. Rest her soul, she's dead as fuck now. My Meemaw was convinced that Barack Obama was a homosexual.

His wife was a man at one point. That he was a cocaine dealer and seller and user and uh and that he sold his body while he was in college to fund his habit i don't know where she got this information from but i believe the cocaine part because it's funny to me to believe stuff like that i don't necessarily know if his wife's a man or anything that seems pretty fucking crazy and out there uh but i would like to think that uh that barry took a little bumpy every now and then it's just funny for me to think about that to imagine that well i believe you had you asked me for my sources on my opinions and i was like i like to think that it's right it's like my meemaw who was a

racist woman and is super dead now and died of covid uh she told me that barack obama was in revelations if you move some of the letters around one of the leviathan beasts was named rahba and and uh in israel language and that's barack if you move some stuff around she would uh she was one of those like classic old racists that like would come over to the house and be like he's the destroyer of man and i'm like who she'd be like barack obama i'm like he i think he's just a black dude from chicago she's like no it's the end black dude from Chicago. She's like, no. It's the end of the fucking world here. It's the end of the line for us, man.

And you know who is ushering, Christ is going to come. And she was convinced that Jesus and Barack Obama were going to have, like, a face-off. Like, a boss battle. I wish they did. Dude, honestly, like, you know, obviously it's just old and saying this. What if that happened in barack obama one right like what happens if he whoops on christ like a fucking bongo drum like he's just throwing like kimbo slice haymakers yeah he makes it work somehow yeah he's just slipping and ripping

on the lord like he's just bobbing and weaving and throwing you know just hitting him with a mean jab christ just can't handle that reach and that power because i mean christ was christ is a palestinian jewish man probably five four five five okay barry oh six two you know and he's got long he's a hooper he hoops like no other so he's got that long reach i think that if christ and barry oh were to box christ cannot use any of his powers i think think Barry O dusts his ass, like, all 12 rounds. Even with powers, I still think Barry O might come out on top. You know?

Like Prime Barry? Prime Barry? Maybe. If we're talking Barry now, no chance. No, no, no. He's washed now. Dude, his, uh, there was a, this is legit. No, no, no. He's washed now. Dude, this is legit. This is not.

His oldest daughter, Malia. Malia. Malia. There was a thing with her and Joey Badass for a bit. They're both young. I think they're about the same age. I think he might be a year or two older but she was uh like uh really into pro era which is like joey badass is like i guess like activist i don't know they're like it's he's like a left-wing guy and this was his like group that they did like you know joey

badass is right yeah i thought pro era was uh his music collective it is that's what i'm saying yeah like it was yeah it was like his music collective but a lot of their songs were influenced by like left-wing like black thinkers or whatever like sankara and like i got you martin you know uh malcolm x and she was like posting a lot of shirts with like like like pics was like pro era merch and you know like liked by joey badass or whatever and i was just i remember that like this was when they were she was like getting into her like people were trying to especially conservatives were getting like like following her every move or whatever and they were like

malia obama's daughter likes hip-hop and socialist hip-hop and they're like can you believe it and it's like yeah like also like the notorious criminal rapper joey badass is replying to her supposedly can you can you believe this is like the guy who only a couple years ago did a collaboration with pony product of new york on some uh stan smith. Yeah, I don't... It's not like she was talking to, like, YNW Melly. That would have been awesome. She's getting, like, turned out by Future. Yeah, like, what's that Brooklyn gang that Pop Smoke was in?

Woo is like a blood offshoot. Whatever it's like, just Pop Smoke replying to, like, it's like, nice shirt or whatever, like, heart, like, 3100 signs. No, it's like a, you know, it's like, just pop smoke replying to like, it's like nice shirt or whatever, like heart, like three 100 signs. No, it's like a, you know, it's Joey Badass. But yeah, they were like, of course, Bill O'Reilly had to figure out or had to pretend to know who Joey Badass was and what pro era was or whatever. But it was a very funny time to be a young. They weren't like dating or anything, were they? I don't think that was ever confirmed.

I think it was like because Joe, like I thought he anything, were they? It was just... I don't think that was ever confirmed. I think it was, like... Because Joe... Like, I thought he was older. He's in that show, Mr. Robot. He plays kind of, like, a pretty important role. And it wasn't until I was watching that show that it's like, no, I think he... I realized that he's a younger dude.

Younger... I say younger. I think he's, like, a couple years younger than me. Maybe, like, a year or two older than whatever the fuck. But, yeah, he... I don't think it was ever confirmed that they were, you know, dating. years younger than me maybe like a year or two older than whatever the fuck but uh yeah he uh i don't think it was ever confirmed that they were you know dating but it was like she had a thing for mr badass i guess say can you imagine like you know like dating my daughter yeah i'll do what you do to mine it's like what if you're what if your daughter what if the girl

you're texting his dad's the leader of the United States of America? Yeah, if you break my daughter's heart, I'm gonna just start bombing Syria

like super hard. Like, really bad. I'm gonna send the CIA to do fucking psychological warfare to your grandma.

They're gonna feed her a bunch of acid and make her think she's a Russian operative or whatever. I, you know. I know. Hey.

I'm a little boy with a little baby. Do you like that? Yeah, that was really nice. Thanks, man. I've been working on my higher register stuff lately. We need to get some more Thomas tunes on the pod. I think maybe we need to... You want me to get back in the stew?

I want you to get back in the stew. I'm telling you, man, your stew talents are really good, and I think it's about time that you got back in the stew for the people. Back in the stew. We can do you know, we can do like a Mad Lib Freddie Gibbs thing. I can lay down some very sweet sort of classical, like,

guitar, some jazz chords, and then you can do a song about being an alien who likes to get fucked in his ass or, you know, go to the store. You know, people like stuff like that. I actually, I wrote a decent one about being a snapping turtle. Did you really?

Yeah. Would you want to sing it for the people right now? I can get the guitar back up. I don't remember. I forgot to write it down or anything. Do you know any of it at all? I spent like, I had a beat that I picked out for it. And it was like a Doja Cat beat.

Like a pop 40s beat? Like a top? Yeah. It was like annoyingly catchy, this song. And then I went and I worked outside for a while. Forgot to do anything about recording it. There's a fight this weekend. Between me.

No, not between me and you. Or you and God. Or you and that sticky green. What's up with Saturday? I guess we shouldn't talk about that on the show. Saturday, I was just going to play it by ear. Okay. By that, I mean I have not asked anybody.

Okay. Thank you, man. I. Thank you, man. I really appreciate that, man. Yeah. Well, you know, I want your breast reduction to go well, and I don't think I need to be. Listen, man, you can say whatever you want about me, but don't say i have tits

that's the one thing i cut the line i never said they were small or anything i don't want you to say that i have them at all no they're not they're not small i don't want huge listen they're supple dude i don't want to have breasts and i don't want you to say that on the show that i have breasts but you're the one i didn't say you had them i said you were getting them reduced you like to suck everyone has breasts they're of different sizes i have breasts every time i come over to thomas's he's like can i get a mouthful before we start and i let him he likes the left you can't even have traditions anymore that's how leftist jake is getting he hates traditions yeah he hates traditions like me pouring a gallon of warm milk on his

pillowcase right before he goes to bed. Then he says, what did you do to my pillowcase? I threw a fucking brick at his head and I beat him with broken glass and I spit in his eyes and I say, you're fucking stupid. You're little and you're stupid. You're a stupid little

cat. You're a dog. You're a mouse dude. I'm going to chase you around. I'm going to treat you like a queen. Well, here's the thing. You can't even have traditions like that anymore. Listen, you know, we used to be able to fuck each other anywhere we wanted to, and that was tradition.

I used to dress Thomas up like Minnie Mouse and I was Mickey but we would be kind of like a grungy Mickey and Minnie Mouse I would you know we'd have denim don't make this gay man you are gay

and I'm not making it gay you're a gay man and that is just sort of what makes you name ten things about me you think are gay you have long hair classic gay move

not really yeah no it is you love working out most gay guys look like kin dolls Name 10 things about me you think are gay. You have long hair. Classic gay move. Not really. Yeah, no, it is. You love working out. Most gay guys look like Kindles or whatever. We're just like Kevin Smith. I don't know. Yeah, it's gay too. I haven't worked out in weeks.

That's, you're gay. Number three, you work outdoors. And a lot of gay men love working outside. Some of them don't know about yeah that is one one complaint people have about gay communities they work outside way too much right uh number four uh you like cats it's a very sort of gay guy thing to be into is cats uh you know straight guys dog guys gay guys cat guys that's four uh five um you have a sweater on right now that's a little gay it's this is a fisherman's sweater yeah well gay guys would love to be on the sea

navy gay water you're a gay guy that's five dude gay guys are literally land lubbers dude no they're they're gland they don't have their sea legs. Sea lugs? Come on now, you're so gay. Shut the fuck up. You sorry. Number seven. You're so gay you can't talk. That's number seven.

Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. I would love to hear number eight. Number eight is that you make my bed for me every time I come to stay with you. You could just tell me to sleep on the floor, but you make sure I have a really nice bed to sleep in. That's super gay. You could treat me like trash

because that's what a straight man would do and tell me to sleep on the floor. But I have a nice, comfortable bed in and I hate you for that. Every time I come over, it's super clean and very comfortable and that's what gay guys do. That's number eight.

Gay guys do that. That's why you like driving up. It's not because of logistics or anything you just like sleeping in a bed that was made yeah it just makes sense you know with ashley and everything like it you know so she doesn't have to um when you get here you're like yes i would like some milk and cookies please yeah and i would like to sit on the bed. And then could you read me the story, Thomas, please? Yeah.

Well, I'd like you to read me the story about how gay you are, which is number nine. Right. Well, it's a short story because it's the shortest story in the world. Yeah, because literally you open the book and it says, I'm gay, the end. Really? Well, if that's all it says, then I must not be very gay if it's a whole story about how gay I am. That's the whole story. No, it doesn't need to be long.

You're a gay man. You're gay. You like penis, nuts, balls, and asshole. That's the end of it. Really? That's a longer story than you originally said the book was. No. That. No. It says I'm. It's all implied. It's all tacitly implied. It says you're gay? No, it says

you are gay. Really? So I read. I wrote a book about how gay I am and it says you're gay. Yeah. Right. No, it says I'm gay from Thomas. You turned gay from me? That's gayer than being originally gay.

I'm gay from sincerely yours. You're gay because of me? No. I turned you gay? Number 10, you're trying to say it. I'm straight, and I turned you gay. Number 10, you're trying to make it to where i'm gay and you're but here's the thing is that you're gay and you're in the book and it's

you a picture of you and legally your legal name and you like really well then why does it say you're gay and it says it says i'm gay from thomas it says i'm gay by jake that's a different book that doesn't exist. It's never been written before. How is it a different book if it doesn't exist? Yeah, I've got two books. One doesn't exist. That means you have one book. No, you have one book that says, I'm gay from Thomas.

Right. I have a book that says you're gay because I support you. No, you are gay and you wrote the book about being gay. Why would I write a book about something about myself i'm not a narcissistic no it's an autobiography autobiography you're a gay guy and it's about you being gay but it's it's just four words long i'm gay from thomas and the book ends and then it's 385 pages of pictures of you uh enjoying a men's penis and balls meat and and butthole zone is that so it is yeah that's all 10 reasons well i'd never been informed of this but i'm glad you

let me know i appreciate you being comfortable enough to tell me something like this and i'll treat you exactly the same just by knowing that you are gay well i think that you are projecting because you know deep down in your body that you like to wear a little i'm projecting your internet history onto the wall with your big projector and your dog just looked at it and killed itself okay don't bring dolly into this man let's not bring that up. I didn't mean to. You showed her the internet history. No, listen, listen. You said how to turn your dog into a lesbian.

I thought it was sick. I thought it was disgusting. How, why would I turn my dog into a lesbian if I'm supposed to be gay? Well, by naming her something like Dolly.

I didn't, I, I like that name, but I didn't name the dog. Right. Would the dog's lesbian partner name her that?

Ashley did. Okay. So. So. You got any plans for this weekend? I'm going to close out. Can you hear that? Does that sound good?

Yeah, I can. I just changed the strings, so it's a little out of tune. We do a little tuning. No, we're not. You know, it goes like this. My friend Thomas He wrote a book about being a big gay guy He says that it's About me but he knows it's about him

He's the gay guy It's about Jay No it's not Thank you for joining me thomas i'm i'm joining you but not like that but you would like to because no i would not but you would no i would not yeah you would no i'm telling the truth. Thomas is a notorious gay man and pathological liar.

If I was a pathological liar, then here's what I would say. I'd say that I was gay. Because it would be false. But since it is false, even if, even if I'm not a pathological liar, cause if I said I was gay,

that'd be a lie. Whether the condition of my relationship with telling the truth, which is good good by the way I don't lie Jake like guys He likes to go To the store And look at people magazine

He hopes he sees a picture Of Brad Pitt And then he takes the magazine to the bathroom Then he kisses it And says my oh my He says my oh my What a handsome jawline Ooh

He's getting like an old man Everybody who was just singing before me Is a homosexual Jake's like a gay butler, he's not He just comments on stuff like stubble, nice haircuts Wow, that man's got a way about him Thomas is so gay he knows what a butler is I don't know what it is

What's a butler? Is that somebody that you fuck in their butler? You're a gay man Gay man Jake only knows You're a gay man You're a gay man Jake only knows about maids

Cause that's what he dresses up every Halloween Ooh, he says Hey, Papi Take me to your house Cause that's what he dresses up every Halloween Ooh, he says, hey, poppy Take me to your house I'm gonna use some Windex I'm gonna use some Clorox And then he sucks on four cocks And then he gives me sex

That rhymes, Windex I don't know about Windex Cause I don't know about Windex cause I don't clean, that's a gay behavior. Anyone that knows me knows I'm dirty and my house smells really badly but every time I go to Thomas's it's clean. You wanna

know why? Cause he's a gay guy. He's a gay guy. He's a gay guy. Thomas is the gay guy. Jake's a gay guy. No it's not me. Jake is a gay guy. He's a gay guy. Thomas is the gay guy. Jake's a gay guy. No, it's not me. Jake is a gay guy. He's gay now.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. He's a gay guy. He's a Jakey, Jakey, Jakey, Jakey. Gay, gay, gay, gay guy. If you're singing right now, you're straight. If you're quiet, you're gay. Then you're quiet. You're gay. Then you're gay. Yeah. That song was called Thomas is a gay guy And Jake is a straight guy

That's what it was called It's by Jake and the Liars It's not Well cause I'm a truth teller Liars are the liars And liars said Thomas is straight And I say the truth And it says Thomas is gay

If you had one penis One set of balls Would you suck it? Or would you let it Walk to the other end of Foot Locker Unharassed His nuts are sweaty Balls deep

Dick is heavy He likes to suck penis His name is Thomas And he's gay His name is Yep You got the whole song? Let's go

That was all of the whole song It's short cause it's true Oh okay yeah Everybody knows that one baby don't mess around because thomas is gay and he likes butthole but not girls just the guys he's a gay guy and he's gay for sure gay guy and he's gay for sure. Gay guy. Gay guy.

Jake's guy. Jake guy. Thomas Gay. Oh, Thomas Gay. He's not straight. He's gay and he likes big balls Jake is gay Yeah oh he's gay He loves suck dick

And he's tall We're technically The same high And you're gay And you're gay And you're gay And you're gay And you're big gay

So why oh why oh Why oh why oh oh, does Thomas is a niole? Because he know he likes big pee-pee. Gay guy. Gay guy. Gay guy. Anyway. Jake's bra. What was that? I said Jake's bra.'s that I said Jake's bra

Jake's bra I do like that I don't know what it would be about I mean obviously it would be about my bra But I don't know what it would be implying You're not trans or anything in that one You just have a bra but I don't know what it would be implying. I could still be, you're not trans or anything in that one. You just have a bra.

You don't wear it or anything. You just, it's something you own. That is, that's pretty nice. I do like that. It's like, uh,

you have a bra dude. You're not gay or anything or trans. You just own one. I got your ass broke. Yeah. Like your ex-girlfriend left you at your place. Yeah. Yeah.

I clearly didn't bother picking it back up. You know, hold on. Here we go. Hold on. Hello. I'm Thomas and I'm... I knew you I knew you were gonna make it long

into that one I couldn't I couldn't I was trying to hold it together but it was very hard for me to do it was very hard

for me to do this one all right what song is this that's ever long you don't know that one? Dude, everybody knows Everlong. Hello, I've waited here for you. Everlong. Tonight, I've turned myself into. And I wonder. I never got into Foo Fighters. I know I've heard Everlong before. Dude, Everlong is not necessarily being into Foo Fighters.

That is like a cross. That song is. Like, guys who like, you know, like, everybody likes that song. Black guys like that song. I guess I'm just a fucking loser then, you know? Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're a loser. It's okay, though.

It's okay to be one. Yeah. Foo Fighters? More like Poo Diapers. More like Thomas Gay. Why would they call it that instead of Foo Fighters? No one would know what you were talking about.

Shut up, man. Shut the fuck up, dude. My guitar's out of tune now, so I think I'm just gonna leave it alone. Hey, you know, a lot of times guys start shows. You know, they start podcasts with each other. They start podcasts with each other roughly December 2020. That's right. And before that, they play a couple games of Warzone, and they record some episodes that aren't good.

Quite bad, in fact. Really bad, quality and content-wise. And, you know, a lot of people don't understand how hard it is to be in a show like that. Yeah, especially when you're in my situation and you're doing a show with a gay guy. Yourself, yeah, you're doing a show with him. Right. And I'm, as a straight guy, being with... Here's the thing.

I use Thomas' gay status as clout to sort of navigate my way through the progressive world day. Through the dating scene. No, you navigate through the gay dating scene. I navigate through having a girlfriend for a long time. You navigate through having a girlfriend to still have gay affairs. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good one. But it's not true because you're a liar.

But the only way that we can continue to do this show is if you support us on Patreon. Right. We definitely won't just keep doing this forever with the amount of money we get now. Right, yeah. It's not like it's something that's an incentive. It's not like we both got like $50 a month and we're like, I guess we have to do this forever. Yeah, literally once we hit $200, I was like, I can't stop doing this.

I'm living beyond my means. But, you know, if you'd like to show and you want to give us a little subby, patreon.com slash pendejotime for a little bit of an extra. And then if you want a video episode at the very end of the month hastily thrown together, throw us $10.

Throw us $10, you know? We're going to get better on that. And if you're listening to this super drunk, do the $50 one. It'll be funny. Yeah, if you're sort of an alcoholic guy and you like to DM, you know, and you like to be be actually oh the only two people that sub are normal well i i don't know if they're

normal uh but i do appreciate their support thank you we've got two still yeah two i thank you the guy who is normal and not the guy that was sending pictures of his nuts to you and then thank you nick mullen i guess uh i hope you're doing oh that guy wasn was sending pictures of his nuts to you, and then thank you, Nick Mullen, I guess. I hope you're doing all right. Oh, that guy wasn't sending pictures of his nuts. No, you said that you told me, or you mentioned it. He wanted to see pictures of my penis. Oh, that's right, but that's not the guy who was paying us 50 bucks, or still is.

Right, right. Unless Nick Mullen is asking to see pictures of your penis, which would be... I can't confirm or deny that. I can't put my man's on blast like that. That's between me and him. Yeah, yeah. But I would like to say, if you like the show, keep listening.

If not, just keep paying for it. All right. Bye. Bye.