Pendejo Time - Pendejo Crime Vol.1 and 2 (UNLOCKED)

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

In preparation for the release of PENDEJO CRIME VOL 3. We have unlocked the auditory cinematic experience that riveted listeners across the country. Think War of the Worlds but if everyone involved was addicted to morphine. Follow hardened detective Mousie Cheese and his trusty sidekick Jack RussellTerrier along a journey of betrayal, intrigue, murder, and revenge. Be on the lookout for PENDEJO CRIME VOL. 3, out on Patreon soon. Support the show

The rain was pouring like piss from a big ol' elephant. I was just off the biggest job of my career, finally nabbing that rat Gustav. He was trafficking mice all over the city. Some of them didn't even have their whiskers yet. A true sicko. I was certain this was gonna be the end of my long and storied career. I could finally retire to my big wheel and tube, sleep on soft sawdust, kick my little paws up and ride out the rest of my days in pure mousy bliss. But Roden God had other plans. Meow, you fat bastard! Cat and Cat Steven's here to bust your little rat balls. Got another

case and I don't want to hear a cat-damn thing about retirement. Someone stole all the Gouda from the Gouda Velveeta Vault! Take a look at this. Ah, shove it up your little box, Captain. I can't keep chasing ghosts all around this rat-forsaken city. I've put away more bad guys than rat John Wayne. I deserve a little peace, don't you think? Peace is for the birds, those smug fox, flying around with their beaks in the air. God, if I could just get one of the cheap pieces of shit I'd- Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Captain. Easy with the racist remarks.

Sorry. That's my grand cat talking. He fought on the front lines in the feline avian war, you know. Yeah, yeah, we all know the story. Anyways, I'm retired. Take it to the new guy, he's a lively one. What's his name? Jack Russellteria? Fresh from the academy filled with piss and pepperoni treats? He'll handle it just fine. Ah, that little yappy cannon son of a bitch is on the case, you're both working it together. The racism cap easy. And what? No.

Even if I were to take this case, I work alone, you know this. Now take your papers off my desk and get cheesed. May I remind you of your rank, detective? You do what you're told and when. I know you like to go outside the maze a little and we appreciate your... unorthodox methods, but you still answer to me. Fuck you, cat bastard, all right.

Bring the kid in. Let's go over the details. Woof woof, kid, get your ass in here. First assignment with the infamous mousy cheese, no less. Hurry it on up. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Officer Jack Russell Terry reporting for duty, sir. Officer Jack Russell Terry reporting for duty sir! Mousey Jack Jack Mousey, now that we're all well acquainted,

let's get down to brass cats. Kid, the pen. You're gonna give yourself a heart attack. Actually Detective, panning is how I regulate both my body temperature and energy levels. Panning is necessary for a healthy dog's physical and mental- I'll blow it out your ass, Jack! God damn should have had the academy new to ya! Easy, Cap, he's just excited.

Look at his tail, it's like... a helicopter. Kid, have a sit and let's hear what Cap has to say. Yes, sir, Mousey! Ah, fucking Christ, alright. Here's what we know. Last Tuesday, a crack team of five hooded figures walked into the Velveeta vault and drove out with 50 tons of gouda.

No shots fired, no alarms rang, no response from the Stadies. Hell, the director of the vault didn't even know it was missing until they ran the numbers. No paw prints, no droppings, nothing. Other than some grainy footage of the truck pulling off, we got nothing. A robbery of that magnitude? At the Velveeta Vault? No shots fired? That's not possible. Every square inch is guarded by the Doberman Group. Nasty bunch of fellas, sir. List of war crimes a mile long. I served with some of them in the pig offensive. What they did to those piglets. You're 100% right, Jack. Nobody, be it Boyd or Fox, is cunning and quick enough to

get by the Doberman Group. Unless... Unless? Unless they had somebody on the inside. In this moment I should have walked away. I knew it. A feeling in the pit of my belly. A heist of this magnitude with some low-down dogs like the Doberman group involved could only involve the evilest, most sinister thing to crawl like a rat out of hell from the pits of the earth. I just couldn't see it then. I couldn't see what was coming for me. What was coming for us all. Shit, Mousey, you're right. I didn't even consider it.

An inside man at the Velvina Vault? But that's not possible. They screen everyone there. Bite history, peeing in the house, chasing the mailman. The works. Take it in there, you gotta be squeaky clean. No offense, sir. Hey, Nundaken.

Well, kid, you just said yourself that the Doberman Group are a bunch of wild animals. You think that a wild animal can be tempted with a bit of cheese? Hell, 50 tons of Gouda will buy you just about anything in this state. A new dog house, a few bitches, a clean wreckage. You think one of them went bad? Worked from the inside to help the other five? Rode off into the sunset? Everybody in this country thinks the Doberman Group are choir boys. They can do no wrong. They protect us from our enemies and they do what's necessary

to secure our freedom, yada yada yada. Now we know that's a bunch of bullshit, but the media don't. The citizens don't. Hell, little kitties and puppies and joeys from all over dress like doberman group boys for Halloween. So no one would ever expect that a doberman would go dirty, roll around in the mud for a little extra on the side. Well I'll be a kiddies uncle, Mousey, I think you might be on to something. See kid, this is why Mousey is lead detective. He catches the bad guys because he thinks like one. Can't be a goody two shoes in this world when you're in a living chasing ghosts and devils.

Cap, you got any other leads? Other than that footage, nothing. If we're running with your theory though, I guess we could start pulling God background checks from the Velveeta Vault. Maybe grilling them a little? Well sir, if I may speak freely. I know the Doberman group well. I also know that they don't talk to police, because they don't have to.

Those lucky enough to get the Velveeta gig, they're even more protected. Kid's right Cap. Say kid, how'd you know the Velveeta take care of its own? Keeps their boys' noses out of the shit. Oh, well, like I said, my battalion served with one of their best guys. He worked at the vault for a spell before he got let go. He's a real rabid dog. Well shit kid, that's our end.

He don't work there no more. No protection. We bring him in for questioning. Not to be rude sir, but again, he's Doberman. They don't talk to police. He won't be talking to police kid. He'll be talking with me. I'm sorry. So, Jack, run me by the details one more time. Yes, sir.

His name is Butch Spikerson, but we all just called him the Butcher. Decorated Doberman Group captain, three Tours, discharged for commanding his unit to ignore rules of engagement, but that got buried like a bone in the yard. He went to private sector after him, that's how he was brought on at the Vault. Right, a psycho special ops dog who revels in bloodshed and thrives in the shit. Well I wouldn't put it that way, sir, but yes. Easy enough. I'm sure he'll be real happy to see a mouse detective

whose stones throw away from retirement and a fresh out of the mill rookie. Hey, look, we're about out of the city. You say he's got a compound out in the woods somewhere? Yes, sir. This exit. Sir, if I may, I don't think you're going to just be able to walk up to Captain Spikes and start asking him questions.

He's a paranoid, violent old dog. Only thing he hates worse than pigs is police. Oh, I'm not walking up there, kid. You are. What? Look, I'm sure you heard the captain talk all about my outside the maze methods. I get shit done, the department looks the other way, bad guys go to jail, I get paid. Everybody wins. Except for the bad guys, of course. Normally, I work alone. But Cap wants you on this. So you get a crash course in

mousy methods. But...but...we don't have a warrant! No probable cause, sir! Nothing! Book of Mousy, chapter 1 verse 1. Warrants are not real. You can go wherever you want. Look, I'm gonna drop you off a bit ahead of Spike's place. You served under him, yeah? You know what he's doing. I printed some bullshit about a settlement check from the military. Slapped a Department of Defense letterhead on it, printed out a fake check that goes nowhere. The war hero Spike's got big-time gambling debts.

He does? Up to his fucking snout. He needs the money. You'll bring him this folder with the bunk check. He'll be pissy and skeptical at first, but throw him a line of bullshit about how you ride the desk for the military after the pig offensive. Part of the job. Then flash this check. Once he sees the zeros, all doubts gonna go out the window. While you're doing that, I'll sneak in the house, snoop around for what I could find and get the fuck out. Just hold him for 10 minutes. Set a timer on your phone. You think that'll work sir? Yeah, or it doesn't and he kills us and we both die in a bad way. We won't be in

contact, remember this. Don't want a wrist throwing a wire on you in there. So listen again, 10 minutes, timer goes off, say your fucking goodbyes, give him the check, turn tail down the road and get the hell out of there. Well, alright, I'm trusting you sir. Well, let's see if this shit works out, huh? I'm sorry. Alright kid, this is where I leave you. Sir? If things go south? Uhhh, shit. Remember your training from the military?

Shoot, spike, run, fuck if I know, just don't let him get to you. From what you tell me, he's probably not somebody who abides by laws against torture. You're right about that sir! You'll be fine kid. Or you won't. Look at it this way. If he kills us both, the case really ain't our problem anymore Nothing is well you certainly know how to give a pep talk sir, okay?

Ten minutes, and then I head back yep God will be tucked in that clearing right off the exit get there if I ain't there when you get there But the fucker and drive and get out you understand leave you but sir get out This ain't a Boy Scout we're trying to pull the rug out from under. This is a killer of all living things in the twilight hours of his fucking life. Get out. I'll find you and we'll rendezvous. There's a tracker in the car. Okay. Yes, sir. Good luck. You too, kid. I'm sorry. Okay, just remember your training and do what Mousy Cheese says and everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be okay. Remember, you start with them. They'll recognize

you and then you guys can be friends and then everything will be okay. Everything will be just fine. Okay. 5 seconds to state your business or I paint the outside of my porch with the inside of your body. Captain Spike? Sorry to bother you, sirrits. Second Lieutenant Russell Terrier. Jack, sir, I served alongside you in the pig offensive.

Served with a lot of boys in the pig pit. Still don't explain why the fuck you're on my porch holding a stack of papers. Or how you found my fucking house in the first place Now get going before I make you go. Of course, sir. Don't mean to take up too much of your time The brass sent me to deliver these papers, sir It seems you're owed a bit of money from your discharge got all the paperwork here and the check and just need your signature and it's yours Check You mean

There's some money in all this? That's right, sir. The bosses at the top feel that you were treated poorly at trial after that mix-up at the final push of the offensive. They want to throw an award your way in absentia and give you a bit of money for your troubles too. Well shit son, if you'd opened with that I wouldn't have threatened to blow you away. Them shoe-shiner sons of bitches got you riding to death now or what? You know how it is sir, you're only worth a damn so long as you can pull the trigger. Once you've done your duty, you're either on the street or pushing paper.

Ain't that the fucking truth? Well, ain't it over? Let me take a look. Yes sir, it's all there. Cut the sir shit son, we ain't in the pit no more. We deeply regret your treatment by the court. This is, uh, due to your outstanding service. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bu As well as a settlement of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars will fuck me running. That's right sir! I mean Spike. That's right. For pain and suffering as well as loss of income after your discharge and a-

Shit was no pain and suffering except when I delivered fresh those oinkin' sons of bitches. But hey, big boys want to pay me a quarter million for sullying my name? I ain't gonna say no. Hoorah, Captain! Hoorah indeed, son. So what, you just need my handcock and then we're all good or what? That's about it, Spike. I get to go back to riding the desk and you're 250,000 bones richer.

Well, shit, boy, I answered door expecting at the very least to beat the piss out of you and tell you to fuck off. But you're the best news this old dog has gotten in years. Listen, I, uh... I got a bit of a whiskey collection. Come in, take a shooter with me before you hit the road. Least I can do for a fellow soldier you just handed me a big fucking check and all. Oh, I couldn't impose on you like that Spike. Plus, my boss is a real hard ass, you know, porcupine from the great war. Prickly son of a gun. If I'm even a hair laid back to the base, he's gonna have my tail. Porcupine ain't nothing but a pig with a scratchy sweater on.

Fuck him. Come on in son. If he gives you grief when you get back, tell him to come see the butcher and we'll sort it out. Well, I, uh... If you insist. That I do, soldier! The The The The The Well, here she is in all her glory. Here's what you can afford after you serve your country and your fellow animal. Welcome to Chateau de fucking Spike. Hey, better than the barracks, that's for sure.

Beats those trenches outside the pit too, huh? Hey, now you're starting to loosen up a bit. Cheers, soldier. Slap this on your snout. Put some hair on your rocket, that's for sure. Yes sir, smooth as a seal's pussy. So you're at the pig pit, huh? What a fun fuckin' time that was. How'd you get assigned to work with the Dobies? Well, uh, my battalion was assigned to watch the pins on the outskirts while you boys took

the forward assault. Basically sat in the mud for weeks until the end of the offensive. Yeah, a lot of sitting there at first. I was chasing my tail waiting for something to fucking happen. The boy went and did. Squealing, man, it's like fucking goats are to me. Don't I know it, Captain! You're in recon then?

Shit. That boy sat out there in the mud for months. How long were you- The fuck was that? Old house? Foundation maybe? Oh, that's the boss calling. Porcupine. Anyway, I really gotta get going sir, you know him real stickler porcupine son of a gun Hey, like you said the fuck down Show me your phone right now. Oh Okay, okay Sorry easy nothing about the rest of our time together is gonna be easy son if I find out you're fucking with me

Huh a text from mousey cheese sounds like a real winner he fucking your ass or what no he I I don't know who that is sir oh yeah and spit it the fuck out boy well don't bother let me read it out loud to. Be an exercise for the both of us. Let's see. Kid! Read this before you hit the door. I found a way in through the drain pot. This old mouse still knows a few tricks. Gonna make my way into the house and see what I can find. Dog speed, kid. Spam text, you know. Weirdos and scammers and stuff.

Shut the fuck up. Now here's how the rest of our time together is gonna go. I'm gonna ask you four questions. If at any point you hesitate to answer or I feel as though you're lying to me, I'm gonna put a round in one of your paws. Comprende soldier? Yes.

Did you come to my house today representing the military, or for another stupider, far more irresponsible reason that is going to end with you bleeding out on my floor, alone? W-what? AHH! FU- Next one goes in the paw, son. Look at me. Look me in my eyes.

Focus. Don't look at the bullet hole next to your head. Think critically and carefully about your next move and your next words. Th second one? I'm not with the military. Wonderful, there it is. Next question. The scurrying we heard just a moment ago. Would those happen to belong to this mouse and cheese fella? Yes. See? See how easy it is. It's so easy It's so easy to just answer questions be my friend get to know each other Just two more son, and then you get to die Here's the third are you in this cheese fillet police perchance? Yes With with state CID the big boys

I'm with with state CID the big boys Hey, no donuts and cruises for you, too Hell no, you out here shaking old dogs for their war stories sneaking into their house Couple of real heavy hitters on that undercover life though catch up deep pretty fucking quick seems it already has All right last question What is it that you've come to die for boy Last question. What is it that you've come to die for, boy? What in my house could be so important that it's worth losing both your fucking lives over?

We were looking for info on the Doberman Group, sir. The work you did with the Velveeta Vault back in the day. We're trying to run names. There was a heist. We're just trying to track down who's responsible. Maybe maybe you can help us. Oh, golly gee, you mean it, son. I could help you. Oh wowee, I could, god, I didn't, you mean it? I could help a couple of snake in a grass, sex and shit, weasel their way into the homes of strangers and steal from them, oh my god, well, geez, Louise, that'd be just fine and' dandy, boy. I'll just leave, I could just go. We could forget this whole thing, Spike.

I'll stay, you'll never hear from me again. Yeah, you got that last part right, boy. I won't hear from you, no one will. See you in hell, Jack! Hey kid, take a dive! The fuck? Out the door now, Jack, move your ass! Did you just drop a fucking mantle moose head on Spike?

Holy shit, Mousey! You wanna stick around and see if he's still fucking breathing? Be my guest, kid. Hell no! Let's get out of here! I'm going to go check on the car. The I'm going to go to the beach. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why in the fuck would you ever, ever walk into that house, Jack? He didn't seem like a take-no-for-an-answer kind of guy, sir. He was pretty adamant. I didn't know what to do.

Ah, well. He was pretty adamant. I didn't know what to do! Ah, well... Fuck it. Hey, speaking of fuck, did I hear the golden boy dropping F-bomb back there? No, sir. No. Absolutely not. Relax, kid. We almost died.

You can say fuck, it's not really that big of a deal. Well... Regardless, thank you for saving my life, sir. Don't mention it. Seriously. And also, it wasn't all a loss. I think we got what we were looking for. Seems like ol' Spike knew more than we thought. What do you mean? Papers here, outlining the heist, everything. The fucking players, the score, the split, and the head of the operation. Didn't get a name on him though, Noel Capitan.

We got names? Of the heists? The thieves? That's right kid, let's see here. Rex, Rawhide Kong, Teddy Fetch, Bruiser Barker, Tank Tug-of-War Treetison, and Sparta Spaniel. Real group of kings and winners spaniel I thought the Doberman group only hired well Doberman's probably a point dog who knows fuck never mind that for now there was also a tape a tape yes kid a tape

you know the kind spinny little fucking circles in the middle shaped like a rectangle yes sir I know the kind well what's on it ah sorry I didn't have a tape player while I was up scurrying around Spike's walls trying to find a way to keep him from shooting you in the fucking head. Sorry sir. Stuff your sorries in a sec, kid, let's listen to this thing. Maybe there's something on it worth the fuck. Alright, I got them boys the badges, got their faces in the biometric system, got their truck in the manifest. Look, it's gonna look like any other old shit, man.

Alright, no questions, nobody bothering you, nobody fucking with you. I did my part. Now you do yours, RK. Are you making demands of me, Spoke? Well hell yeah I am. You said yourself, get them boys in the vault and we're fucking square. My debts are paid. Those were your words. Your part is complete.

For now. Fuck for now, that wasn't a goddamn deal. Mind your tongue, Spike. Or what? I ain't like them other boys. I ain't afraid of you. You aren't? Hell no! Fuck you!

Of course you aren't. You're a brave little doggy. And a dangerous one at that. But you know, doggies,ers are always worse than their bite. You may not be afraid of me Spike and that's fine, but... Bella certainly will be. And the puppies. Oh they would be quite, quite scared of me. You know about Bella and the boys? How? We ain't seen each other. I ain't called her.

Oh, hell, I ain't seen the pups in so long. Never mind the house, Spike, my friend. It's just snow that we are many, and we are one. We see in that which dogs like you bury deep, deep in the yard. And if you so march this place a paw out of line, I will see to it that Bella and the puppies get taken too. Oh, how do the humans put it? The farm down the road. You... you wouldn't.

You and I both know that I have done much worse, Spike. Fuck! Fuck! You got what you needed! I did what I said I'd do, RK! Then we will be in touch. Goodbye for now, Spike. So, Spike duped their cards, orchestrated the whole thing, got the guys in and out, we got it all right here, mousy. It ain't that simple, kid. Well, what do you mean? You have all the paperwork, and we have the tape. We got the name, sure, but... Jack, these boys are ghosts, trained to never be found. We ain't got much more than a handful of bird shit. We gotta track him down.

And who...who the fuck is this RK? Who is RK? I'm sorry. Okay, two letters. Who knew something so simple could change the course of my life forever? To test me in ways I didn't even think were possible. I of course had no idea. And the kid, he sure as shit didn't know. But we were on our way to find out. lying down. I'm sorry. Hey, hang, Captain Cat Stevens here. Thanks for listening to Pendejo Crime Volume 1, Mousy Cheese and the Great Gota Catastrophe.

Drama, intrigue, mighter, money and greed. The sins of man laid in pieces at the feet before Mousy Cheese and our young rookie Jack Russell Terrier. For them to put back together. How will the boys find the thieves? Have we seen the last of Spike? And who is the mysterious mastermind known as R.K.? You'll have to stay tuned for Pendejo Crime Volume 2. Are you there, RK? To find out. But first, a word from our sponsors.

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drugstore, fill-up station, hardware store, liquor store, library, movie theater and local mechanic. Thinking of family annihilation? Try Mother's Creation! Greetings. What contains that which gives life, but ultimately cuts it short. Ah fucking Christ. A rat trap. Put him on lady. Connecting. Speak. Head in to Spike's house now boss. Was supposed to check in today. Nothing. Haven't heard from him. Should I hit Bella's house? Spike is dead Teddy. Dead? But why? How? Why? Because he was a stupid arrogant old dog who got sloppy. Quite simple really. How?

Two detectives dropped a moose's head on him and left him to die. Pity. Hold on. Cops? When the fuck did the cops get involved? I thought this was supposed to be a clean score. Oh well. Never mind all of that. What do you need from me, boss?

Always the obedient one, Teddy. That's why you are my favorite. Yes. Two detectives. I am sending you their dossiers now. First on the list, Jack Russell Terrier. 2nd Lieutenant Under Spike, rookie detective, no wife, no kids, no leverage for us, so you have my permission to kill him quickly and immediately. Heard. And the second? Mousy cheese. Ah shit, that's the last thing we need boss, a stubborn rat bastard detective who don't know when to quit. Hmm. Nothing to worry about Teddy.

Mousy Cheese is... Up in the road. Even though he's with great persistence and tenacity, he inevitably make them make him. Well, what do you want me to do with him? After you kill the dog, bring Mouse into me. Hello. And why are you split from the job? Spare no expense.

Well, thanks for that boss. But, where am I supposed to start? I don't know where these guys are. If they got in Spike's place then they probably know who I am. And the others. They're a step ahead. Oh I have a feeling I know where you can find Narcy. If he's still that same old red I once knew. Then he's out blowing off some steam the only way he knows now Yeah, you throw him a couple of fucking slices of carrot that'll do just about anything. Fucking rabbits.

Yeah, they treat you right, but don't fall in love with them. Trust me, kid. Right. Sir, I know we just, uh, almost died and all, but don't you think we should be out looking for the other Dobies? And uh, trying to figure out who this RK fella is? Book of Mousey, chapter one, verse two. After you almost get killed, you are allowed to get as fucked up as you want.

As a matter of fact, rodent God commands it. Look kid, it's late. Before we embark on this grand journey to find five trained fucking killers, I'm gonna tie one off, stick my little rat dick in someplace I shouldn't, then pass out in a cheap motel paid for by the city. If I can offer you one piece of advice before tomorrow, you should do the same. Sir, I think it's really important that we get a good night's rest so we can hit the road. I have a different, much more exciting idea. I'm gonna go over there and I'm

gonna talk to that guinea pig in the pink dress that's been looking over here since we walked in the door. You do whatever the fuck it is, goody two shoes doggies do. You're a good kid. We did good today. You earned it. Go fucking dance, smoke a cigarette, piss in the corner. Get the fucking zoomies.

You can do whatever the fuck you want in this place. Welcome to the crowd that hole baby! Ah, well, maybe you're right sir okay i'm ready i'm gonna go dance in the club all right you're ready look meet me right here before closing we'll close out head to the hotel sound good yes sir there you go kid all, I'll see you in a bit. Crod that hole, Crod that hole, boss is telling me to go to Crod that hole. Hey buddy, is this the Crod that hole?

Yeah man, you're here. Right up the walkway there there entrance is to your left Thank you for telling me how to get into the crawdad hole Crawdad hole crawdad hole now I know how to get into the crawdad hole when I walk up through the crawdad hole They open the door to the crawdad hole Then I find Jack and I shoot him in his head and then I get Mousey and I make him go to sleep. Then I bring Mousey Cheese to the big boss man and he gives me some

money and that's my whole life. Hello, I would like to get into the crawdad hole please. Line's back there big fella. Line? But I don't wanna. I gotta get into the craw of that hole right now to find Mousey Cheese and Jack Russell Terrier. You deaf or retarded? Like I said, the line's back there. We gonna have a problem? Yes. So there I was, me, an empty revolver, in a whole room full of meanest crocodiles you ever seen, Jenny. Mm-hmm. And what did I do?

I don't care. I killed every single last one of them scaly motherfuckers with my bare paws because I'm the baddest rat on the fucking planet. Yeah, sounds like bullshit. And were those gunshots? Oh my god! Oh god damn it motherfucking shit. Hey wait!

Jenny! Ah fuck! Sir? I just heard a... Yeah, automatic gunfire kid. I heard it too. Ah damn it. You got your piece?

Yes sir. Good. Uh, sir? What kid? I'm uh... I'm pretty drunk. Yeah kid I'm shit hammered. Let's figure out who the fuck is shooting at us before we puke.

Following your lead sir! How does this thing work? Oh yeah, the trigger. Like a gun. I know how those work. Hello Mousy Cheese and Jack Russell Terrier. My name is Teddy Fetch. Can both of you come out of the quad there please so I can shoot one of you in your head

and take the other to the boss man. Thank you. Mousy, that's Teddy Fetch. One of the guys on Spike's list. I guess we can cross him off. Yeah, kid, I heard him loud and clear on the count of the megaphone and him saying his name into it. Shit. Well, if we can take him out, that's one less dopey to worry about. Teddy Fetch, so nice to meet ya, albeit under less than desirable circumstances.

I thought you guys were supposed to be sneaky, ya Dobies, like tacticians, special ops guys. This ain't very sneaky, Teddy, lot of bodies out here. Oh, yeah, usually. But seeing as how you dropped a moose head on Spike, it made a big mess. The boss man wants Jack dead quick and you to come with me. Probably for torture. Plus usually the other guys are sneaky. And then I show up later and do stuff like this. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sure, I think I uh... Yeah kid, gonna puke. I heard you earlier. No, well, yes, but I think I have an idea. I'm gonna throw a grenade at you now.

Fire in the Dobies. He's got two big brass balls and no brain cells. Teddy, my friend, you missed by a country cow mile. It's a big club in here. I hope you got more than one grenade. I do. Ah shit. Alright, that one was close kid.

Whatever that idea is I'd love to fucking hear it. Okay, if we take this. Jesus kid do you have a drinking problem? We're in a Mexican standoff here with a big ass doberman armed to the teeth. Actually no I totally get it in that shit to me what no here Molotov cocktail sir those huskies sure know how to turn booze into a bomb all right well we got a Molotov cocktail what next grenade number three Number three.

Well, sir, you might not like this next part, but well, he said he wanted me dead and needed you alive. Yeah. So what? So he won't kill you if you walk out, just walk up with your paws in the air, drop your gun and play it like you're giving up. I'll handle the rest. Well, look at you kid. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

The mousey methods are working their magic on ya. I'd hug ya if it wasn't gay. Alright. Okay Teddy, you fuck, you win. We've done enough damage, don't you think? Ah, I had one more grenade I was gonna throw it. It's fun to throw it. But you're right, Mousey. Didn't plan to kill so many people to explode the crawdattle hole.

Looks like a nice place. Okay, come on out. Alright, alright, easy, easy. Look, there goes the gun. Let's get this shit over with. Big Boss says I gotta make you go to sleep and kill the dog. Speaking of, where is the little fella? Look up, you fat fuck!

Mousey, your turn to dive. Hey, I'm not that fat. Aaaaaah I'm dying. Ah hell. Ah shit. I'm dead. Holy hell Jack, we gotta get you sauced up more often.

That was fucking badass kid. Ah fuck, god damnit. Fucking shit. On second thought, maybe not. Man, Teddy Fetch gots a sick fuckin' ride. I'm gonna have to give my thanks to RK before I put a bullet in his head. Do you think Cap's gonna be mad we left the cruiser? Nah. Well, probably. But for now we're on our own.

Besides, can't really be trying to track down the rest of the Dobies in a cop car. Not very conspicuous. Mousy? What's that? I don't know. Figured it was your phone. Wheels on the bus really isn't my style, Mousey. Shit. The fuck?

I think it's Teddy's. Should we answer it? Fuck it. Maybe we can get some answers. Quite the commotion at the crawdad hole, I heard. Hehehehe. I've been trying to reach you. Always the showmanman Teddy Fetch. Do you have Mousy Cheese?

And the dog? He's dead I presume? Mousy Cheese here. Teddy Fetch don't got much except fourth degree burns. Unfortunately. All thanks to the kid here. I would set aside some of the vault money for a funeral and gravestone expenses. Here lies Teddy Fetch,

loathed retard dog. We're coming for you RK. You're gonna have to send better boys than Teddy Fetch if you want to stop Mousy Cheese and Jack Russell Terrier. Teddy, he's gone. You lie. Well to be honest with you, he's doing most of the lying. In a pool of his own cooked blood and fat and shit. Jesus Christ kid. Yeah, what the kid said. And you're next RK. The fuck does that mean anyway?

RK. Does a man need a mysterious nickname? Are you there? Okay. You know, I really wanted to have a little rendezvous with you. But walk down memory lane with an old friend. But you're forced forced my hand. We'll have to have our little chat in the next life. You and the dog won't have to worry about finding me or my acolytes at all.

We're coming for you, Mousey. See you soon. Uh, Mousey? I know, kid. We gotta gear up. I got a friend a couple states over that can get us what we need. Real tweaky son of a bitch, but he's reliable. Sure, but our case at Memory Lane, what does that mean?

You know him? I got no fucking idea who RK is kid. I promise you that. He's just playing mind games that's all. Hmm. Alright, well. Let's go find that friend of yours and finish what we started. I was thinking the same thing kid. I'm going to go to the beach. if The Old ghosts, most of the time when they lash out and try to alter the course of your life, the barrier between our world and theirs keeps them just outside arm's length. But sometimes, they're able to reach through that barrier and rip yard right out of your

fucking chest. Okay, I don't know why I didn't realize it at first. Maybe I didn't wanna. I couldn't tell the kid. He wouldn't understand. Hell, I barely understand what happened that night all those years ago. But I do know one thing. We're in the belly of the beast now.

The Rat King is coming. And despite all my years of hunting ghosts, I'm not sure I'm sorry. You