Pendejo Time - pendejo time (for kids)

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

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So anyway, I'm hoping that I don't have slime mold poisoning, but I think that sometimes in a man's life, you drink a bunch of mold on accident because you leave your cups out like a whole bunch. This one was on, actually, but yeah. The last three days, I don't think I'm dying. I just think I just don't feel good, like a general malaise and a sickness and a nausea.

Hello, Jake. Hello, brother. Hey. Hey, Jake. Hi, Thomas. It's so good to see you. It's so good to see my friend, Thomas. I love seeing my friend, Jake.

I love talking. Whee! Yeah! I'm bringing. People say, Thomas, you never bring the energy. Yeah! I'm bringing it. People say, Thomas, you never bring the energy. Well, sit back in your seat, grab your popcorn, strap in, and get ready for a big ride.

Because today, I'm bringing it, folks. And Jake is here with his stupid-ass mold story. It's over. It's over. It's's done it doesn't matter this the slime i drank a bunch of slime everybody and it made me sick i think uh and uh that's it that's literally it i just i leave old cups out and i drank a bunch of slime i thought it was water well it was a little bit of water mixed with some some slime mold i think and i threw up a up a bunch Sunday, Monday, and now I don't feel good. Oh, rats. Oh, stinky rats. That sounds like a real bummer, Jake.

That sounds like, yeah, you know, it does suck. It does suck to do stupid shit like this. It's like the third time I've done that, but, you know. I bet that made you really sad, Jake. It did did it did not make me feel very good no um i bet that broke your heart you know are you okay jake i'm i'm struggling right now i'm i'm just i'm trying to be okay but it's hard i would be really upset if i were you yeah you, you know, but I'm working on it, you know. I would be in tears. Yeah, I was a little.

If I drink slime, I'd try to kill myself. Well, I don't think it's that bad, Thomas, but, you know, it's. I don't know, Jake. I'd do something really bad. Like, what would you do? I would go to the store. Okay. I'd do something really bad. Like, what would you do? I would go to the store. Okay. I'd do something bad in there.

Like what? I don't want to get negative. It's a happy day. Are you trying to tell me that you would kill everyone in the store if you accidentally drank slime? What if they had slime disease? Well, you're the one who has slime disease, Thomas, because you drank... What if you saw a whole family with slime disease? Would you let them live?

Yay or nay, Jake? Nay. I would kill them with a gun. Nay is for... Hay is for horses. Nay is for horses. What isn't for the horses nowadays? Honestly, Thomas, the horses nowadays. Honestly, Thomas,

the horses are taking over. And it's been, you know, this used to be a proper country and the horses have really moved their way into the neighborhood. And everything is wheat and hay and carrots. Yes, Jake, you could really say

they're hoofing their way around. They're hoofing their way around and, you know, we got to do something about the horses. You're right. You're so right, Jake. I love you. I love you, man. And I want you to know that even if I drank a bunch of slime, that you're still my friend. And I know how to get to your house, Jake.

You do know exactly where I live. Where do I live? Say my physical address on the show. Even if I said it, if you type it into Apple Maps, it comes up wrong. Right, that is true. So I guess there's just no way. So I guess there's just no way. Jake, are you down?

No, I'm good. I'm up. I'm feeling really good. Yes. I'm feeling so good. I'm feeling really healthy and clean and smart and nice and happy and fun. I feel like I've had the most fun in my life. I feel like a squeaky little bug in a garden.

We've got a little dew drop on my back. Awesome. Jake, do you know what day it is? What day is it? It's a special little guy's birthday. Whose birthday is it? Marijuana. Oh, yeah, I forgot it's Marijuana Day.

If you're smoking weed out there, you should kill yourself. No! You should never do that. But you should toke up a big stinky one in honor of the holidays. Correct. Roll up a little bit of that sticky icky, put on the Chronic or your favorite Dr. Dre album, and smoke up that Sticky Icky flower till it goes dry. You know what?

I recant my previous statement. I think you're on to something with that one. I do think that if you smoke that fucking little devil's plant, you need to roll it up like a big old doobie dong and just go to town on it. I love smoking bongs, Jake. I love smoking bongs and joints and spliffs and blunts with my friends. I love going to the store and getting a big Swisher cigar. I split it open. I get all the tobacco out, Jake. And then I put some nice weed in there. And I roll it up. I get all the tobacco out, Jake. And then I put some nice weed in there

and I roll it up. I lick it. I get it all sticky, icky, icky. Yucky. And I go. You get it on yuck mode? Do you go yucky on it? I inhale the good shit

and I exhale the bull crap. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad to hear that that's how you're... And I get rid of all my problems, Jake. I stop shaking like a crazy badger. All your panic attacks go away, and you feel really good about yourself when you smoke. I level out.

It levels me out. I fucking, you know, when I'm sweating at the produce aisle in HEB, I'm actually having a good time when I'm high on weed. When I'm thinking about, you know thinking about getting cancer in every part of my body, that's when you know the weed's that good, good sauce. You know who would be funny if they smoked weed?

Idiomene. Yes. Also, Tony the Tiger. What would he say, Thomas, if he was stoned off that sticky, sticky slime? I bet he'd go to the store. He'd ask for a Swisher. And when they ask what flavor, he says, it's grape.

I bet he would say something like that. I bet he would say something like that. I bet he would. Do you think if he went to a winery and they asked him what wine is made out of? I think I'd pick up on what you're putting down, Gene. Yeah, you think he'd say, it's grape. I think he absolutely would. I think he would say that, too. But I don't think he would partake in alcohol.

Because alcohol is only for human adults. And Tony the Tiger is, I guess at this point, close to a 100-year-old tiger, but he's not a human. And alcohol is not for tigers. and you'd think with his impressive body and his wonderful good looks that he would be an extremely sexually active tiger but he's not he refuses to have sex with other cats and there's no need to even think about it there's no need to even think about it jake why can't i stop stop what every time i take a big smoke of that big sticky long leaf that long pipe of that weed bush i started thinking jake i get my thinking cap on and i think that is one dashing son of a gun. Why is he not getting tiger pussy?

You think about his rippling body trying to bench 450 for reps? Yes. And you think about him just bending over the... I think about it all day. You think about it when you're sober, you don't think about this. Jake, you know me. I smoke that dab all day long. You do. That is true.

And you think about Tony the Tiger and his lats and his biceps. Yeah, absolutely. And he's got, does he have a human's penis or a tiger's penis in these fantasies? Whatever the female tigers prefer. I think they would love a little tiger penis.

I would like to think so, that they would like a little tiger pee-pee as well. No need for a huge one with... A big vein running down the middle of it. A big vein and a big mushroom tip. What is it you said that for a little tiger vagina yeah you know if i was a little tiger pussy and i saw a big humanoid cheeto looking dong coming at me i'd spit that thing out and I'd say,

yuck. Yeah, I think... No thanks, Sherlock. Do you think that Tony the Tiger has any children? What they would look like? Would they also be... I'd love to shake their hands. Would they be svelte like he is?

Would they be real strong? I'd like to think he has a pudgy one. Like a pudgy little boy? That's a cute little bugger. And you'd... And you... Would you tickle and Gucci Goo his belly a little bit? No, I'd be very respectful.

You wouldn't Gucci Goo his belly? I would treat him like a god. Would you... I would treat him like a god. Would you... I would treat him like no one had treated him before, Jake. Because that's what the long doobies do to me. Those long, stinky doobies. You know, a lot of people judge weed off of things like terpenes and crystals and stuff. But the stinkier, the better,

because I love a really long stinky stick. Yeah, absolutely. And the stinkier, you know what I say, the stinkier the stick, the lickety split that I smoke it, because I smoke it up quick. Here's a random question. Okay.

Who is your favorite tiger? Hmm. We can't say Tony. We just talked about Tony. You can say whichever tiger you like. I think my favorite tiger is probably Tony the tiger. Interesting. Yeah.

Why would you say that? Because he's strong. He's so strong. He's handsome. Strapping. He's velved and swole and yoked. Yep. He's got little blue denim shorts on.

And I'm envious of that. Cause I, I wish I had the body to pull off little shorts, denim shorts, you know, but I can't, you know, I can't.

Hey, nobody's stopping you. You're right. I guess you're right there. What's your favorite tiger Thomas? Well, Jake, I'm glad you asked.

I think mine would be Tony the Tiger. What about him is your favorite? Makes him your favorite? I want to suck his cock. Thomas, you don't have to be so forward. You don't have to be so forward. You don't have to be so nasty and dirty.

I was only joking around. And sexual. April fools. April weed. April weed. April weed. April weed, guys. April weed.

I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not gay for anthropomorphic tigers named Tony. It's not gay if it's a cartoon tiger. It's not gay if it's an animal that's really strong. And if it's just a fantasy. If it's just a fantasy. If I'm just drawing it, it's not illegal. It's not illegal if it's just a drawing.

Even if it's a realistic drawing, it's not illegal. Are you going to call Christopher Robin gay for imagining winnie the pooh with his little butt cheeks out and he's rubbing honey on him and he's stuck he's stuck in the stuff he's stuck he's got a little yeah help him christopher robin he's got slimy sticky honey all over his little his little belly put some honey on him christopher robin yeah kiss him on his little honey on him, Christopher Robin. Yeah, kiss him on his little... Put some honey on him. I want to see you put the honey on him, Christopher Robin. I want to see... How old are you, Christopher Robin? Let's just make it sure.

That's fine with me, Christopher. Just oil up that little bugaboo. Get him sticky. Oh, you like cartoons, Christopher Robin? Well, I'm going to draw a gun. I'm just kidding. I'm only playing, Jake. I'm only playing. I'm only playing, Jake. I'm only playing.

I'm only telling a little. What is the craziest prank that you think Nickelodeon has ever played on Nick Cannon? Let's see here. Maybe molesting him. That might be the biggest prank that they played on him. Oh! That's a classic prank. You know...

That's a huge burn, Jake. I was going to say the green slime. Well, what do you think's worse for Cannon? Green slime or getting diddled by Dan Schneider? Was Nick Cannon in anything? I have no idea. Other than Drumline, I think. I think he was in Nickelodeon.

That wasn't a Nickelodeon production, was it? I think he was in something. Can you get diddled as a 40-year-old man? As a 22-year-old man? Can you? I don't know. Maybe. You know what?

Do you think he would wear all those happy little suits? He looks so happy. He is a happy little drummer boy. He's so happy. He's so... It makes me want to smile. Makes me want to smile. When I think about all the great things that have happened to Nick Cannon.

All the good things that have happened to Nick Cannon, Amanda Bynes. You know, these kids were blessed and touched by so many people. Dan Schneider is a great guy. Dan Schneider is my hero. And if you're out there, Dan, I think the accusations are just a bunch of baloney. If I'm going to accuse Dan Schneider of something, it's being too good at directing. It's being too good at directing and too handsome. And just too handsome with it.

The hair, the bod. Too creative. Too creative. A mind of a powerful genius. A beautiful mind, if you will. And his classic shows like All That and Drake and Josh and iCarly. Could a pedophile make those shows? Tell me right now.

Do you think a pedophile could make those shows? Do you really think that a guy would go into show business to rape children? Trying to get some kind of sexual favor? With children? No. No. No.

No. You're barking up the wrong tree, pal. He would never. And you know, a lot of people think that Hollywood is a place where bad things happen. It's where dreams are made of. That's the slogan. Clint Eastwood lives there for crap. Clint Eastwood lives there, and he's never said or done anything wrong in his

whole life. Hollywood. You think that Chris Pratt would live in a bad place? Do you think Chris Pratt would have weird little Disney parties at his house? With Disney stars? And if he did, whose

business would be that, Jake? Whose business would it be? But I don't even think he's ever done anything like that. I don't think. I think he's a great guy. I think he rocks. Why do so many. I want to get lunch with him. I want to hold hands with him on a sunset beach.

And I just want to ask him about God. Because, you know, another thing about Chris Pratt is he is a devout Christian. And there's nothing. There's no greater sort of better combo than a Christian Hollywood guy because those guys classically are really sort of good people altruistic solid guys

are you insinuating something Jake no I'm not I would say why do so many if people think Hollywood is so bad and they think it's so stinky, why do so many people move there to fulfill their dreams of being actors and actresses? A million people move to L.A. a day. I want to be Kermit the Frog.

What kind of spin would you bring to Kermit? I would be a talking frog. What would you say if you were Kermit? Hello, Miss Piggy. I'm Kermit. I'm your frog friend. I'm your frog. I'm your frog husband.

I love you. I've been doing a lot of. I love you, Miss Piggy. I'm going to take you as my bride. I'm drunk right now, Miss Piggy. My hands are all cut, Miss Piggy, and the cotton's coming out. I don't know how I got through your window.

I don't know, Miss Piggy. I'm a little puppet. I'm a little puppet. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Miss Piggy, I crashed my little puppet. I'm a little puppet. Miss Piggy, I crashed my car in the front of your house. Are you sleeping, Miss Piggy? Are you sleeping?

Oink, oink. I'd love for you to be Miss Piggy and then we could hang out all the time. I would love for you to be Miss Kermit. Mrs. Kermit Pig Mrs. Kermit Pig. Miss Kermit? Is there a Mr. Kermit the Frog? Gee, I don't know. That's a pretty good Kermit.

That wasn't it. I think it was close. That wasn't even close. That wasn't even close. You know, people... A lot of people these days, they lost faith in show business. They got no faith in Hollywood and actors

and talented guys like you and me. They think it's a place full of pedophiles. Is that Kermit? No, this is... Oh, you're one of the other Muppets. I'm one of the other Muppets. My name is Mike. The people think Hollywood's...

Mike the Muppet, yay! Mike the Muppet. They think Hollywood's a place for pillheads and pedophiles and cokeheads and wife beaters and people that eat children. It's not. Hollywood's a place for pill heads and pedophiles and coke heads and wife beaters and people that eat children. It's not. Hollywood's a place where dreams come true.

I can make all your dreams come true. If you're listening now and you want to be an actor, hang out with me, Mike the Muppet. I'm a normal guy. How you doing? It's your girl, Miss Piggy. How you doing? It's Puerto Rican Miss Piggy How you doing Is Miss Is Miss Is Puerto Rican Miss Piggy How you doing papi

Is You already know You already know It's Puerto Rican Miss Piggy Carmen you need to get away From my window Don't be looking through here. I already told you, you cannot be coming up to my window.

How you doing? Come on, Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy, you fronting right now. You fronting, Miss Piggy. Come on, Miss Piggy. I already brought Grover over here. I'm trying to see your piggy titties.

Just put them up against the glass. Double P's. I just got out of San Quentin, Piggy. So listen. Don't bring your green stinky dick around here, Kermit the Frog. I heard you fucked a little scientist guy. The little one. So what if I did?

So what if he put a test tube in my mouth? This show would be hilarious. This show would be great for children to watch. Puerto Rican Miss Piggy and Mike the Muppet who I guess is from Queens.

I don't know. And then fucking Cholo Kermit. And some other great guys. Just a few combinations. A great amalgamation of cultures. Amalgamation is how you pronounce that word, Thomas. I've read it before.

That's it. Amalgamation? Yeah, you go. A lot of words I just know from reading, Jake. A lot of words, you know, a lot of times. You think that people say amalgamation on construction sites? No. On landscaping sites?

They call me the N-word. They call me all sorts of words hey kids do you want to learn new words to say on the playground words you learn on construction sites featuring Thomas Thomas take it away what are some words you've been called while at work I've been called the new

guy what other types of words have you been called? Mr. Stronghands. Name one more. Silly. Silly Boo Boo Butt. Hey, Silly Boo Boo Butt, get up there on that man lift and go pull a bunch of pieces of metal for me. Would you do that for me, Mr. Boo Boo Booger Butt? All right. Okay. pieces of metal for me. Would you do that for me, Mr. Boo Boo Booger Butt? Alright.

Okay. Hey, Mr. Stronghands, why don't you... First of all, I want to say I really appreciate all the hard work you do out here. You're so strong. Thank you. Can you go pull a bunch of weeds all day for me for $50? Of course. I would love to do something like that. Hey.

Need the beeper. Hey, big guy. Hey, Mike. Might stop smoking crack on the job site? Okay. Are you forklift certified? No. That's okay, big boo-boo BB.

Little BB boooboo head. We'll teach you on the job. You just can't be drunk at work and crash it into another guy's leg and permanently disfigure him to where his wife no longer wants to be with him and his children resent him because he can't play on the playground and he has a fucked up looking nub thing. And his nub falls off. And everybody says, look at Mr. Nubby Leg.

And he kills himself. Is having a forklift certification that big of a deal? Depends on who you ask. I don't think so. I would say that for some guys, it's the best thing that ever happened to them in their lives. In fact. Oh, I mean, you can just get in one if you want. For some guys, it's the best thing that ever happened to them in their lives. In fact... No, I mean, you can just get in one if you want. You can do whatever you want in this life.

You can get in... Maybe you could drive wherever you like. Baby, you could drive my forklift. Forklift. Drive me a rider. You could drive wherever you like. Does Ryobi make forklifts I don't know

I don't know Jake I thought in my head I woke up in a new Ryobi but I don't know I think I only know a couple brands and none of them rhyme with Bugatti anyway it doesn't fucking matter at all what kind of flavor of vape do you have today, Tommy Tom?

Now this is an Uromas Cool Mint. I've been getting these a lot, and I need to stop. Right, me too. I need, I need to just buy a vape. I don't have a whole lot of money, Jake. I spent it all. All of it. What did you spend it on?

I don't have any more. I bought a car. That's right, Thomas. I, you know, I went to go see the car today, the Matrix. And they told me. All right, my voice is cracking. I can't hear the voice. Yeah, that's okay.

Everybody's happy. So I went, and they had told me. Yeah. That they didn't realize until they installed a new water pump that the engine was blown. Yeah, you told me. Which to me me it sounded a little fishy from the start yeah so i'm cleaning my shit out and i'm like all right i'm gonna pop the hood on this i do and i look and dude it looks like somebody fucking like just blow torches the entire yeah yeah i i could i'm not a fucking mechanic all all right? Yeah. But when all the fucking protective coating on the wires is melted,

I could tell you the engine got a little hot. Yeah. It might be a little bit more than a little coolant swap we're doing here. Yeah, just a little touch-up. She'll be back on the road. We just got to do $400 worth of repairs. Yeah, I remember when my motor blew and i popped a hood and i couldn't immediately see but it like it had all of the trappings of a blown motor were there

like that's not something if you're like if you're a mechanic in a podunk town like buffalo like you know i would assume at least that you like you're the only mechanic in town you probably see 100 200 cars a week at least so you would know that but who fucking knows um was it sentimental at all to be like yeah it was also funny how uh just realizing like how much i destroyed that car. Yeah. So Alex's mom had sent us with dinner, I told you. Yeah. So that might have been a factor. But also, I just had a few pieces of wood in there. Yeah. And there was like a decent amount of ants that had taken up a living there.

Nice. In the vehicle. Nice. You know, I grabbed what i needed got my heart had some shoes some hoodies yeah uh and i was like you know they really fucked me over on this one so i grabbed a spare tire grabbed my jumper cables yeah i grabbed uh a couple of screws that i'd put in nice you got to get your money's worth on that in that regard yeah i i kind of fucked around with the fuses a little bit on that it's worth it

yeah and then um i took the the valve stem covers off because i was like it's always nice to have a few extra of these. Yeah. And then I was just like, fuck it. I took the gas cap. Yeah. That's funny. All right, see you. That's a funny thing to take last minute. Yeah, no, it's just kind of just a dick move. I told you when we sold that fucking, when I sold my Crown Vic, which was, like, my high school and, like, my early 20s car or whatever, I had that buddy clean it out.

He called me and was like, my friend Chad. He was like, hey, you got to get the fuck over here. The Q-tips. I told you about that, right? No. I have a bad habit. I get a lot of earwax buildup in my ears. It's pretty fucking gross.

I clean my ears out pretty regularly. I know you're not supposed to use Q-tips. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to buy a fucking irrigator, whatever the fuck system. I don't give a fuck. So I clean my ears pretty fucking often. And, uh, when I was driving that car, I would like clean my ears out and throw them on the floorboard. I had that car for like six, five, six years from like 17 to like 22 23 and uh I would just throw them on the floorboard or like throw them in the back seat and that's like six years worth of q-tip build-up and I would see him sometimes in the car anyway my friend Chad when I when I sold the car he was like hey if you bring it over here I I will, you know, replace some hoses and shit.

And then it'll sell for a little bit more. Because the coolant leak had got to the point where I could barely drive it. And the engine was fucked up and shit. Anyway, he calls me and he's like, hey, you got to get the fuck over here now. It was like 10 p.m. And I was like, what's up? Is something wrong with the car? And he was like, no, just get over here.

He lived like eight minutes from me. So I drive over. I borrow my girlfriend's car at the time. And, uh, he's like, you're going to need to throw these away. And I look in the floorboard and there's like, I'm not kidding, man. Like hundreds of like dirty, like dirty Q-tips and he had gloves on and he, you know, he was like, you need to pick that shit up and throw it in that trash can. And I was like, damn, that's a lot of Q-tips and he's like yeah dude like yeah like what the fuck's

wrong with you like hit my response was not enough for him if that makes sense he was wanting me to be like oh man my bad and i was like man that's a lot of fucking q-tips that's weird he was he was like dude this is nasty like why do you why is this in here and i was like i just cleaned my ears and throw them. He's like, you're a fucking nasty son of a bitch, dude. I was like, I don't give a fuck. And then I know I told you we got drunk and stomped on the hood or ran across the car.

And that guy was like, did somebody run on the top of this car? I was like, no. I'm just punching the fucking top of the car before I sold it to him. Yeah, that was a sentiment. The Impala SS was, I was just mad because it was a nice car and it went fast. But the Crown Vic, dude, I fucking love Crown Victorias. Like to this day, like if I had like, you know, money to just blow on stupid shit, I think I would buy another 98 Crown Victoria.

Because they're so fucking comfortable. They drive like a fucking dream. They're pretty quick, too. Yeah. And they've got the fucking... I looked at those. They're sick, dude. But I didn't want to get something that could...

Because you don't know how it's been treated. No. I mean, you're dealing with a fucking 23-year-old. You're dealing with an antique, technically, at that point. I think it's 25 or whatever and like i mean you're dealing with a fucking 23 year old like you're dealing with an antique technically at that point you know like it's i think it's 25 or whatever who gives a fuck but yeah i mean it was i i love crown victoria's because they're like it's just a couch on wheels like it's hard to find bench seats in a car that's like not from like the set you know like yeah um but like i've looked and they go for pretty cheap you can get the crew you can get the police cruiser ones with like the fucking 50 they go faster than fuck

but i don't like those because they don't have the bench seats you got to have the fucking couch in the front couch in the back um there was that summer i worked at joe's crab shack and uh when i went to clean my car out when I first moved to Austin in 2012, I cleaned the floorboard of my car out and was pulling up mats and stuff. I think I pulled out like 500, 600 packs of Camel Whites. Same sort of deal. I was like, man, I need to fucking slow down. And then I would get up under the passenger seat,

and it was handfuls of fucking packs of cigarettes. And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like fucking dying. I got fucking AIDS. I wish. I wish I had AIDS. Dude, we could get so many sympathy subscribers if you got AIDS. You got to take one for the team.

You're not doing a GoFundMe. Yeah. My girlfriend would be very, very mad if I was like, hey, so the plan to really get the show past the 10K mark is to not go on tour and do it the normal way

that you're supposed to do things. What I'm going to do is I'm going to get AIDS from a person who has it. It would be really selfish of her to deny you that. Yeah, for sure. She's like, I don't understand. Is he joking?

I'm like, no. I'm going to go have rough trade sex with somebody I meet, hopefully a heroin addict or some type of person who would have HIV, and then I'm going to get it, and then people will feel bad for me, and then they'll give the show money. You have AIDS instantly. Yeah, it doesn't have to turn into it. Your body doesn't fight it at all. It's like, nope.

Instant AIDS. Yeah, that's dog shit. It'd be funny if we went up like... Within 30 seconds, you have AIDS. Yeah, yeah. Doctors are like, this is the fastest transformation we've ever seen. Your body really does not want to be.

You lost 120 pounds in three days. You have pneumonia. You have bronchitis. This is really like, honestly, this is record-setting stuff here. Your body is impressively weak, sir. Yeah. You're like, wow, man. A doctor comes in, and he's like, you know, I've got some interesting news.

And you're like, wow, I'm beating this thing. You know, I got HIV for the show. We got all these subs and I'm getting fresh out the fucking door. Magic Johnson style. The doctor's like, oh, no, I mean, you're you're fucked. You are so fucked. It's just surprising how quickly your body deteriorated like into nothing. Like, have you not noticed your green?

You weigh like, what are you, 6'1"? You weigh 62 pounds. Have you not noticed that your teeth have completely fallen out of your head? You have no hair. And this is since you got to the office. You got, they drove you in at 8.05. It's 9.10 in the morning. So within an hour, you've lost lost you came in at about 188 pounds

and you now wait you've lost 125 pounds in an hour where did it go where did i don't your body is legitimately begging to die and the fact that you're even talking to me now is an indicator that you are a medical marvel flatlined like halfway through a speech yeah he's like you could have shot yourself in the chest and died slower slower yeah yeah it'd be funny if the like the amount of money that we got sympathy subs of me having aids is like 200 it would be like 10 yeah it's like was like well people unsubscribed really yeah well you know it's 2500 a2,500 a month. That's awesome. We went up $350. Yeah, I like. I'm probably never getting AIDS at this point.

I feel like, you know, I've talked to, like, friends about this and stuff. And, like, I'm kind of surprised that I, like, never even got, like, any mild STDs. Like, it's not like I fucked a lot or whatever. I'm kind of surprised that I like never even got like any mild STDs. Like I, it's not like I fucked a lot or whatever, but like, you know, you like, you just like,

I was just surprised it never happened. Like not even like the ones that you can get rid of with like a couple pills or whatever, like fucking chlamydia or some shit. It just never happened. Like I, I just, you know,

I feel like it should have. I really, I wish it did. I don't know i never uh it's never in that thing that much you know uh i was i don't know i had a little i had a little tear there you're like seven years older than me no i'm not saying hey chill out okay like 15 i'm like five and a half years older than you all right let's take it easy uh but uh no i think uh there was a a very funny std to get is crabs now i never had it but uh this guy that i was roommates with for like a short amount of time

when i was in college gave it to you yeah well so we were having a lot of unprotected, hardcore gay sex. And one day I was a little itchy, and I looked down, and there was a big bug on my dick. Instead of crabs, instead of a bunch of little ones, it was just like a big... It's like a tree rope. Yeah, it's just one, but it literally crawls out of the pussy and onto your dick. Yeah, yeah. You just have to flick it off. It's like a tick. It latches onto your dick. Yeah, yeah. It's like, that's the new one. You just have to, like, flick it off. It's like a tick.

It latches onto your pubes. Like a Velcro strap. That's what I literally imagine it as. When I was, okay, I'm not kidding. I know we're like, I was like, in sixth grade when they, like, we had, like, this sex ed, and it's in Texas. So it was like, your pussy falls off, your dick turns green, don't do it. But they did tell us about STDs. And, like, when they told us about crabs i was like

in my mind it was like they were like the size of like ladybugs like that's which is not huge but i was like oh you know i don't want to have to deal with that you know but yeah uh this guy i lived with he would bring this girl over who was just like a mess uh it was like a late night type deal like after the bar type bullshit or whatever and uh he you know i didn't like her she stunk like not a bad she was a bad person but like she stunk like um how do i say this without sounding like an asshole just like bad like not bo but like something something is wrong with your body. Like a not showering type of thing. No, I can't talk because I, you know, whatever.

But anyway, they hook up. Normal, fine. They hook up like 10, 15 times. And then one time, he wakes up in the morning. He's like, hey, man, you ever had crabs before? We're like 20. And I'm'm like i've ever had what it's the fun to me it's the funniest std to get like syphilis is like an old school disease it like boiled a bunch of libertine philosophy guys minds into nothing uh chlamydia is classic gonorrhea very funny uh crabs i feel is like the joke one it's like the joker in the

car getting syphilis in this day and age feels like like getting lost at sea or something yeah it's like like when you when you read about how diarrhea was like the number one cause of death for like hundreds of years or not number one but it was up there whereas like i i've like there was this rumor going around that this girl that we knew in school like had gotten syphilis or whatever and i was like dude the name itself sounds fuck i know that it's super curable now like if you get a hold of it early like it's fine but that was like that yeah it's like it's like a man i got scurvy dude it syphilis sounds like a, like a Southern Bells name.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm going to the ball later. I thought I might bring syphilis along with me. I was hanging out with them Shining Boys and Grandpappy, you know, the syphilis family. They got a sweet, sweet, sweet daughter. What live up on the hill. She's real. Her name is Syphilis.

Syphilis, I suppose, the way that I set this joke up. Hermione Syphilis. One of the most beautiful girls in Franklin County, Mrs. Hermione Syphilis, everybody. Dude, who's that? Is it Anna? Not Anna Kendrick. everybody dude uh who's that is it anna not anna kendrick um is the lady from unbreakable kimmy schmidt or maybe it is anna no it's the kimmy schmidt lady i remember her fucking name but she is a she like people tried to give her the old gotcha uh because when she was a kid i don't remember where was from, but some fucking like cousin fucker county place in the south. Oh, I think I remember.

Yeah, she was the bell of the sacred whatever the fuck. Like those pageants in the south that were started like 150 years ago where a bunch of sheriffs and like church deacons picked the palest, blondest girl. And they're like, the Lord bestowed upon you a great set of tits, darling, or whatever. You know, it's like it. Anyway, she was one of those. And she she was like i didn't know it was racist i just wanted to be you know that's funny as fuck though it's a very funny way to get your start i suppose like you know pictures of you and me i was gonna say black and white photos she's not that old you and me but i was like black and white photos of me and you surface in like you

know the hoods and shit and it's like oh we didn't know you know it's just like a i just i was cold i was cold and it's all the it's all bass pro shop had was just a big white i was not a sunscreen all i had was a shoe polish all i had was shoe polish and a big cone hat and a big bed sheet. A guy posing as a black Klansman. Yeah, that would be... That one's been overdone so many times at this point, but... I love the... Dude, that Chappelle fucking skit.

What was his name? I don't remember the fucking... But, yeah. That was such a classic one. Who's Dave Chappelle? He's a black transphobe. Did you know that? God.

I hope he gets killed. Yeah. What? Just trying to be so woke. Like, just so on the side of... Yeah, we need to kill all the black transphobes in this country. You, like, circle back to being white supremacists. You're like, you know, I'm so sickened by these black transphobes.

We just need to get rid of them. We just need to... You know, all these transphobic Latinos. We just need to... We need to send them back, dude. On the back on a big boat. We just need to build a wall that blocks out transphobes. Dude, if Trump could spin...

Oh, man. 2024 is like... He's like, you know, they're in the fucking war. And he's like, I got the perfect idea. We're going to make it when he's like, all Mexican transphobes deported and tortured. Big wall put up. A big pink wall with a fucking... Whatever the fuck's on the flag or whatever the fuck. Mexican transphobes deported and tortured. Big wall put up.

A big pink wall with a fucking, whatever the fuck's on the flag or whatever the fuck. I think that would be a good centrist message for him to take the dub come 2024. Is deporting all Mexican transphobes. How many Mexican transphobes do you think there are? Like five? I don't think there are any in the whole world. This is like, how many Mexican homophobic guys do you think there are? It's like, ah, fuck, I don't know. Five, four, maybe, max.

Like maybe five or six, you know, something like that. Can't be too many of them. Out of, you know, like 100 million. 100 million Mexican guys. You think all Latinos are Mexican? Yeah. I do remember having that explained to me in like junior high. I was a kid.

It wasn't my fault. It was a kid also it wasn't my fault it was like like my history teacher or whatever I was like they're all Mexicans and she was kind enough to like she knew that I was I was not being like they're all Mexican and they all stay you know I was just like everybody's from Mexico and I think Spain is over there or something and Portugal or whatever she was she was like, no. There's a whole world out there of different types of Latino. And I was like, Latino, Hispanic, Mexican all meant the same thing. At least to my dad. And I guess because of that, I guess kind of to me.

But not in like a racist way on purpose. I'm a non-Hispanic Latino person. I identify as a non-Hispanic Latino. I still think it's funny i don't know if it was ever supposed to be temporary but the we're mexican bio on spotify like i had like a handful of people ask me about they're like are any of you guys mexican and i'm like no like what's with the name and the bio i think i'm gonna start telling people you're half because that would make more sense i'm clearly just wasp like i am not anything you maybe could be like from fucking spain or

something something or fucking portugal or some shit but it's still not again still not mexican but maybe you know i'm zoro you're zoro the fucking cape Crusader? Yes, I have a sword. I would love to have a gay little sword and dance around in boots and kill people like that. I was laughing with a friend of mine. I'm talking about Zorro, and it's like if he went to go carve the Z into a guy's shirt, but he did it sideways and made an N. I don't have anything else to walk that out with It just I was we were at a fucking bar and I was like Just drunk and I was like, what if he like, you know, it's coming down a building

It was like he's like, ah, he just carved it on a guy's chest. He's like, oh fuck man. I didn't mean that I'm really sorry about that But that's not indicative of any, you know joke or anything like that or anything funny particularly there's nothing funny about racism no you know people always say you can't say the r word we need to stop the r word and they're talking about the word retarded the only r word that we need to stop ladies and gentlemen racism would you agree thomas uh yeah sure you know the only uh oh the only r word i want to stop at is racetrack because they have some good soft pretzels there sometimes

but sometimes they leave them out on the little heater thing too long and they get all burnt racetrack has good quick time and racetrack have solid like like wraps and sandwiches what's what the fuck is quick time it's up here in austin i don't know if they have them over there where you're at qt yeah oh yeah they have. They have really good... They have a really good twist curve. You know? That's not what I said at all, you fucking retard.

Oh, I love eating quick time. You're just putting two words together. Dude, it's a fucking good gas station chain. Dude, have you eaten Curve Block? Have you eaten Dick Balls, dude?

Have you eaten fucking My Nuts? No, I haven't. Well, you're about to if you don't shut the fuck up. Care to enlighten me? Yeah. It's real... Yeah, I'd love to see what your dick and balls taste like if you're such a big shot.

Let he who is... Let he who is without dick catch the first nutsack. Yeah. Let he who is without nuts suck the first dick. Exactly. You know what? That's cool Like he who is without nuts Sucked the first dick Exactly You know what That's so true So hey

If you're such a big big shot Let me gargle on that Fucking sack dude What are you getting You getting a little treat A little night time treat A little 10 o'clock treat For Mr. 10 o'clock Thomas

Oh no Otis is Oh what's up Odie Odie bug I'll show you Otis Mr otis let me see you dad otis let me see there he goes look at him go get him go doing his thing big chilling on the he's fucking swagged out right now he's otis the cat odie od if i'm in here for too long with the door shut he'll be like what's he doing in there what's that fucking asshole doing what are you doing what are you doing peckerwood

we're about to be uh out of town for a little bit so i was uh uh i gotta we gotta like weigh their food or whatever um so i was just like since my brother's gonna be here i was just weighing out like their meals in advance so it would be like a dick move you know so you could just plop them or whatever right so i had to open like six cans of cat food to do this and the cats were just sitting on the floor like what the fuck are you doing because i just kept opening up cat food and then just putting it in a little jar thing and then just putting it in the fridge they're like dude smorgasbord and you're like no they're like they're like come on dude just like a bite you're

just like it's like opening like 10 cans of beer and then just throwing them in the trash they're like dude what the fuck hey little guy you wanna come sit on the mic come here big guy oh you're a little fella aren't you you're a little creature when i was uh when eden was like you want to come see otis i was like yeah she was like don't look him in the eyes i was like oh all right like i was people say that about certain dogs but like, I've never heard anyone say that about a cat. It's just funny. It was a funny thing.

But, like, I guess there was reason for it because that motherfucker was, like. Oh, well, no, he used to, like, just bolt any time you looked at him. Okay, that makes sense. Like, across the whole house. Oh, okay, that makes sense, yeah. Or he would just duck under furniture and it would take forever to get him out. I initially took it as like people are like, hey, man. Like he would just kill you.

Yeah, like the way like a con corso. It's like, hey, you can pet him, dog, but like don't look him in his eyes for too long because he'll like bite your fucking carotid artery out or whatever. Dude, I had to. I was picking up a friend from the airport. I was going to drop him off. I didn't realize he had a Cane Corso and a Pitbull. It was like 3 in the morning.

I opened the door. It was just bread to be killed. Yeah, meat logs. Just big motherfuckers. I don't have anything against big dogs. Cane Corsos are just like... They're terrifying, dude. They're terrifying. I don't have anything against big dogs, but the kind of coerces are just like... They're terrifying, dude.

They are. They are. Like a big... Even like a big Rottweiler isn't necessarily by default terrifying. Like I can see a big dog and not be scared. Yeah. But those kind of coerces literally... Like they're bred to just kill.

And they're like... like rottweilers are kind of like chunky little bugs like they'll kill you but they're loud but like connie corso is like any dog that has like less body fat percentage than me i'm like what are we you know like why are we what's going on here like yeah why are they so ripped they're yoked as fuck we had to we we puppy-sitted for ashley's friend one time for like a week and it was a concorso puppy his name was milo as cute as can be but the motherfucker was already big and he was like two months old dude you know it wasn't huge but you know when we went to go return the puppy uh her friend was like do you want to come and see the mom and the dad and i was like okay

dude they're like the size of horses and they're not fat dogs they're like they're like yoked and you know like the only the person the person they got from it clipped their ears so like once you clip like you streamline i know it's a really bad practice but it does make the dog look like fucking like the hardest motherfucker that ever lived and they were like the mom's really sweet and she was very sweet i was like well where's the dad she was like dad don't like anybody dad's sleeping all day and i was like oh okay and then like i'm outside smoking a cigarette and dad comes in the backyard and it was like you ever seen those videos where a guy in alaska is like fishing and a big grizzly just kind of comes and sits next to him it's the same like this was a big son of a bitch dude

and i'm just like just smoking a cigarette like waiting you know waiting fucking we were we hung out there for a little bit and uh he just comes next to me i'm sitting on his chair and he's like just looking at me and i'm like i'm like okay do i away? Because I know that that's not good either. If I keep looking at him, and he just went and fucked off. And I was like, I guess that was him calling me the F slur. Just eyed me up and down and was like, nah, that's not worth my time. They'll try and mount you also. Yeah, they're very aggro dogs or whatever the fuck. They'll, like, try and mount you also. Yeah, yeah. They're very, like, aggro dogs or whatever the fuck. They're cool.

I thought, like, I want to get a Rottweiler really bad, but Austin has, like, every home and apartment here has, like, insane breed restrictions. Unless you have your own land or whatever. Yeah, it's called redlining. Look it up, Jake. I don't think. They want to keep all those dogs i don't think that's you know what you're right they want to keep their own little dogs they want to keep those little crusty white little dogs they want to keep those mayo ass yeah samoyeds and great

pyrenees and fucking dude breeder dogs look fucking stupid. The designer dogs, like, I like Samoyeds. They look cool. They look cool, but they look so fragile. Yeah. Great Pyrenees are cool fucking dogs. Malmutes are cool. I like Pyrenees. I would love...

Their balls are like $3,000. Any dog, really. Like, I didn't know bulldogs were expensive. They're fucked up animals they don't live very long they're not meant to even be alive um but uh uh yeah austin has these breed restrictions so i told you that time we were at that bar and that guy had that he had a bred an asian wild dog with a valley wolf like a like an alaskan like those big the big black wolves that are like you've seen the movies and shit yeah and it's just walking around the bar and this is a dog

friendly bar but this that i don't know if that's classified as a dog anymore and uh you know people are asking about it he's telling them but anyway he walks inside with it on this big fucking steel link leash. And the bartender's looking around at the other. I could tell what issue. They were pointing at the dog and looking. This motherfucker looked like, he just looked like a wolf. It literally looked like this guy came in off the street with a wolf on a fucking steel cable. And was like, can I get a Bud Light, please?

And some tater tots. And anyway, this little kid is like can i touch him and the guy's like and i guess and the mom is like slowly moving the kid back because the wolf's just stance to fuck up anyway shit like that it hypothetically would be cool to own but i don't know like how the fuck people put up with that shit. That's a 130-pound wild animal. Those are so expensive to feed. Yeah, you've got to feed them, like, ribeyes and shit.

Like, meat. Like, all day. Yeah, I mean, technically, having any dog on a raw diet is good, from what I've heard. But, like, those big, even if raw diet is good from what I've heard. But, like, those big, even if you're feeding it kibble or whatever, like, that's just so much food to go through. Yeah, Dolly eats a lot, and she's, I think, only, like, 50 pounds. But did I tell you my friend, that same guy that worked on the Crown Victim found him at Nasty SQ Tips? He also had a wolf dog named Wolfie, was he also had a wolf dog named wolfie and he also had a shitty pug

named darwin and they were like they would just hang out and you have this majestic beast and then this fucking fat little stinky ass like literally like a loaf of bread like he was a fat pug and one time i was hanging out over there he was showing me this car he was working on or whatever and and uh i go inside and grab a beer for me, a beer for him. I mean, we're going to be back in the garage. And I see that Darwin is eating a bowl of like peas and like ground turkey. And I go up to his fiance or whatever. I was like, hey, why is Darwin eating that?

She was like, we found out Darwin's 18 pounds overweight. And that dog would like, they were giving him like this much food. And then he would like like they were giving him like this much food and then he would like bite the bowl and shit it's like biting the metal rim of it because they were trying to get him to lose weight but he was like medically fat and which apparently when pugs get medically fat they like die or whatever rest in peace 18 pounds he was fat as fuck dude he was the fattest pug i've ever seen he didn't even look like a dog anymore. That's impressive. Pugs were made to suffer.

They're not like, like pugs, bulldogs. I know. I like, like I, I don't dislike pugs themselves. It's just like,

you know. No, I don't. Like making that kind of breed is. Yeah, it seems ethically. We were at the dog park the other day. And so it's separated in like a big dog park and a little dog park.

And, you know, it's like little dogs under 10 pounds in the normal dog park, whatever. And this guy pulls up and there's a guy walking through the little dog park with his little dog. And they're yelling at each other and uh this big bald dude gets out of this key of soul covered in tattoos shiny bald head and he's telling the guy who was about to sit down in the chair he was like hey or he's taking the chair to go to the big dog park he's like hey leave that fucking chair there man i'm about to sit there and the guy's like excuse me he's like leave the fucking chair there i'm sitting he like big dog his ass like no pun intended he was like leave the fucking chair there dude me and ashley like

watching the shit unfold i'm like i would love to see a fistfight in the dog park anyway nothing became of it i thought what would make sense is a big jacked old bald guy is gonna pull out like a god damn you know like a mastiff or a fucking you know like a concorso or something suited for him. Dude, on pain of death, that motherfucker pulled out five, five identical Pomeranians and held them in one arm and then like waddled them into the dog park and then just kind of like threw them in like over the fence. Like just and then sat down on that chair with these like five little yappy ass dog my only running theory is they were like his wife's dogs or something this guy did not look like a pomeranian owner or like a guy who would own even little dogs like he was just there like you know mean

mugging but there's something like very cartoonish about a guy like talking shit to another grown man and then reaching into like what would be like i guess a teenage girl's car and getting like five pomeranians like five of the yeah like a like a at community college but for nursing yeah yeah and then getting the the dog that that type of woman would own but five of them and then holding them in one arm pomeranians are expensive they are expensive but they're like well actually you know what i don't know because i've seen a lot of fucking Pomeranians. They're like Chihuahua. Like, I see so many of them.

Like, just out and about. They're little fucked up creatures. I hate them so much. I know Chihuahuas can't be expensive. Dude, you can go down the street. Basically in any neighborhood in Houston. Definitely in my neighborhood. Yeah, you can get as many as you fucking want.

I'm not being racist. There are like five of them that I think I could have. No, the neighborhood that I lived in in South Austin for a long time, it was like a lot of the neighborhood was like Section 8. Our house was built by Habitat for Humanity. It's just a poor area. I'm not kidding, dude. Every fucking street corner, there'd be three or four of them in a pack strutting.

They're meaner than fuck. They'd chase you down the fucking street corner there'd be three or four of them in a pack strutting and they mean it meaner than fuck and chase you down the fucking street and i often thought like do these dogs do these dogs like belong to anybody or is this just like i don't think they do that one that little motherfucker that yells at us when i'm or yells at anybody that in front of your house like talks all of his shit i hate that little piece of shit dude that's our neighbor's dog oh it is your neighbor's dog he lets it run wild that fucking dog's a little cocksucker dude yeah he's a little motherfucker i love do you give him little kisses yeah i go here you go here you go apparently i forget his name no his name is pa pa p-a-w yeah that's awesome the dog's name is pa and apparently if you just say like hey pa stop he'll like stop oh okay well that's nice information one of the neighborhood kids that's like a like side quest info like because this whole time i'm like hey dude what's

up and he's like and you get like one foot away from him when he fucking darts away. But that's good to know. Hey, Paul. Cut it out, Paul. Hey, Paul. Cut the crap. Hey, Paul. Cut the crap, Pola. Old guys love naming their dogs like Chew and Dirt.

Bug. Oven. Turd. Fucking leg. This is my dog, Dog. Bug leg. This is my dog, dog. Bug ass. This is my dog, shitter. Hey, if you've been listening to this shit and you think that this was good, check out the Patreon.

And this bull crap made you go. If this bull crap made you go, you're dang early to get a little tough on it. Just go on down to pendejotime.com slash patreon slash pendejotime.com. That one. And we also got a show coming up with a podcast about Liz in Fort Worth. It's at Tulips. I really got to nail down the date on that, but I think it's May 15th. Let me check the calendar.

I do want to get that right because we need to plug the correct date on that. It is May 15th. It's a Sunday in Fort Worth at Tulips. Yeah. And if you want to go to that, see the boys there. See the boys. We're there with Pot About List. We'll be there, but hey, it's mostly about, you know, you got to see your...

They're not in town all day long. Yeah, you got to see the damn... See the motherfuckers. See the... You go see the motherfuckers. And they got dates. They got dates all over. Go to swagpoop.com to get your fucking tickets.

Yes, sir. All right, bye. Bye.