Pendejo Time - Pendejo's Playhouse

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Episode One: Camping Trip Episode Two: Karaoke Night Episode Three: The Interrogation Support the Show.

The hills are alive with the sound of my dick. Come on, don't kill yourself. Dead javelina body down by the creek bed. Bloated. That didn't taste good. You ate a dead animal, man? Why? You ate some beef jerky on the way here.

Can you hand me those tin steaks? Yeah, here. I don't think that's the same thing, dude. Dead dry cow. Oh, I get it from the store. Dead web pig type creature, you know. Oh, yeah, I just get this from the creek. Yeah.

Pretty fucking close. Honestly, yeah. That tracks. Good thinking, man. I'm glad we got out of here, dude. Finally. Been talking about it a while. I'll be down in the hill country, dude.

Sights, smells, sounds. Ready to get down by the lake. Put my toes in the water. Beer in my hand. You know how we fucking live, brother. You think that hog had any regrets? Uh, what? You think that dead hobblina

down by the river had any regrets in his life? You know? You think maybe he fucked up and never made amends? He just got caught cheating on his, you know, his pig wife and they never got their finances separated and stuff, you know? He just borrowed his coyote

friends lawnmower and he never gave it back he stepped on his prairie dog and killed it and then there's like a blood feud with you know you'd have like a whole uh you know with guys that are in holes you know that type of stuff then one day you know he's just dead bloated and rotting in the shallows of a river that new bio college kids piss and puke in i don't know uh i figured all wild pig thinks about is ground uh water nutrient pig pussy cave grass piglet mountain lion bobcat Pig Pussy Cave Grass Piglet Mountain Lion Bobcat

Snake Flash Flood Don't Get Run Over by King Ranch Ford Corn Cliff Eagle Stealing Piglet Hunter Alligator

Yeah, that's about it. There's lots for a wild pig to think about. I don't really think he's got the time to sulk over his past indiscretions, you know what I mean? We're kind of like that pig. How so? I don't feel bad for anything wrong I've done in my whole life. Too much stuff going on.

Well, again, I don't think the pig feels anything, you know? I mean, it's dead for one. From your description, he's been dead a while. For two, it's a pig, so I think regret exists outside of their emotional capacity or whatever. I've seen a pig cry. What? Nine years old.

Granddad's farm out in Palestine. I had a big fat pink pig named Tulip. And Tulip here had been alive all my life. From stories I heard as a boy he had been alive before I was even considered. You know, like before my dad even decided to have unprotected raw sex with my mom, expelling his sperms into her body and creating potentially a zygote situation,

leading to maybe an embryo, and then a beautiful large white baby. Right. Tulip was really sweet. She'd come right over to you if you were sitting on the porch and she would if you were just sitting there

she would just try to come and suck on your penis. What? Yep. Grandpa trained her to do that. What for? Pretty lonely out in Palestine. But out there dude

there's women. Who said anything about women? Anyway so one day this old grandpa of mine, we used to call him Grandpa, he says, Tommy, come down here and take a look at this. I took my big red wagon and went down the hill. And I came and came down and grandpa he's my grandfather

we call him grandpa I look and he's wielding a big sword like the one Pyramid Head has yeah and grandma said Tudor's gotta go bye bye

she's gotta go to piggy hell for being a sick fucked up animal that I hate. With this piece of forged steel, I'm gonna lop her head clean the fuck off, and then we're gonna

go get some Dairy Queen. How's that sound? I didn't know what to say, you know? Where's this going, man? You tell stories all the time, Jacob. And, yeah, do I ever interrupt you? Yeah, all the time. Anyway, I look down and Tulip,

she's got a single tear. One single tear rolling down her pink little cheek. So yeah, pigs can feel things. Did he kill Tulip? Did who kill Tulip? Your fucking grandpa, dude. Oh, right. No, that was just something he did every Sunday after church.

A little tradition of sorts. Come on, let's get this tent up. Hugh Hefner is not the name of a guy you'd think would get a lot of trim. Sounds like the kind of older neighbor guy that would bring cookies over to your house, you know, and look at the kids for a little bit too long. Look at the kids for a little bit too long. Hey, man, could you maybe, like, not look at porno when I'm sitting here? It's kind of fucking... I don't know, we're just out here in the woods and, like, alone together and stuff. It's like a boys weekend or whatever, but...

Yeah, I just... Maybe look at the phone or something there. Or like a book, but not the pornography. This isn't porno. It's got naked women in it, man. Tits and ass and... Bush. Neck and... Butt. and ass and bush neck and all, but this was porno like 50 years ago. I don't think this counts anymore. This is like tame shit now. Nostalgia. You can pull your phone up nowadays

and watch a lady get spit roasted on a roller coaster by two and a half Puerto Ricans and a guy with three balls, and one of them's got a vest on, and then there's two other ladies, and they're tiny, but they're grown-ups, and they're holding up the other lady, like, by her feet. There's four on each of her feet, like a sedan chair, eight tiny grown-up ladies holding this lady up while she gets plowed by a bunch of guys, a bunch of guys with questionable immigration statuses. But I'm not judging. I'm not judging that shit.

But then you look into her hole. You look into her hole, and she's got a whole other person in there. But it's a grown-up, too. And it's a tiny grown-up and there's another tiny grown-up and there's 69ing in there and then it zooms out and it's the whole planet's got a uh uh i see your point still man I feel weird you sitting over there looking at naked women with an eyesight

feels kind of dirty you know what I mean I mean like if you had your phone out and you were watching like hardcore porn it would definitely be worse like that would for sure be worse like I definitely see where you're coming from like i like i get it but like they're still um porn in the tent

and then you're looking at it so it just feels gross you know what i mean That sounds like a big ass bear. And it sounds like this camping trip is being cut short. I don't really have any last words, but I guess I feel really bad about a lot of stuff in my life, but for the most part, it's been pretty chill up until the part where the bear showed up.

Alright, man. Are we ready to die? Sick. Alright. Alright, hey, man. Are we ready to die? Sick. All right. All right. All right. I've got to had enough of this shit. Get this fucking P-Rod out of my fucking house now. Fucking chill with my boys and that's it. Alright, this shit's not working. Hello?

Hello? Hello? Everybody, please get the fuck out of my house, please. Okay, thank you. Shit. Fuck. What a party. I love drinking beer with my friends Yeah, it's awesome

Probably my favorite thing of all time Let's keep her going What did you have in mind? Russian roulette Pin the tail on that guy here that I hate I heard someone mention karaoke earlier Yeah, I just got the machine. Uh, yeah, I could be down.

Thomas? I love karaoke. It is my second favorite thing of all time. Uh, alright, yeah, hell yeah, brother, let's get it going. I got first dibs. Fine. Commence the karaoke, good sirs! Alright, I got the mic, I got the TV hooked up.

Thomas, the floor is yours. What you got for us, Thomas? Well, some classics, I bet. Mr. Brightside? No. What about I Miss You? Blink-182? Where are you? And I'm so sorry. Terrible song. Well, what are you gonna sing

for us, buddy? Secrets by the Devil. My favorite song. I don't know this one. Yeah, me either, babe. Yeah, same here. I'm stomped. A real deep cut.

I love this song. Oh, the secrets that we keep. Oh, the truths we bury deep. Oh, the thoughts that come before the sleep. Things no

one can know. The fuck? Right? This is weird. He's just being goofy. You jokester Thomas. Quiet. Let him sing.

You think you'll take them to your grave. But they rule your life. You're my slave. And now they're all on display for show secrets. Liam hit a homeless man with his car Stumbling, drunk as he was, coming home from the bar No one saw, so Liam kept on Down the road till the first light of dawn. He thinks no one knows, and he would never tell.

But one man always knows, the crown prince of hell. I, uh... Funny. Jake and Thomas put this together. Liam's father helped his son cover up his tracks. They buried the body under his dad's construction site.

This shit don't even rhyme. What the fuck is this, man? Liam, is this true? Yeah, dude, what the fuck is this man man this is this true yeah dude what the fuck i remember you acting all weird last year you said it was just because your grandma died it was quiet the song isn't over I might need a tiny home. Mike goes into chat rooms and pretends to be a girl. And Erica, none the wiser. Last September, he flew to New York, New York, and fucked one of the executives from Pfizer. Um, Mike? Baby, it isn't like that.

Man, I don't know what the fuck's going on right now, but I'm really fucking scared. I think there's evil in this house. It is like that. The devil knows your sins and that you're many, many. Erica goes on her nightly runs. She cherishes her jugs for once a year. To keep her head clear, she goes out and drowns her dog. You sick bitch.

You're sucking, CEO Dick. I do not want to hear it. For the last time, can you all shut the fuck up? Thomas is singing like a songbird, and none of you seem to appreciate it. Yeah, this shit is awesome. Fuck you, Alex. You're clearly next. You're the only one left.

Alex is a pretty chill guy. Actually, you're all just really fucked up. I guess the only thing really about Alex is that he owes me 40 bucks. From that time, I spotted him on dinner when the club declined. But as far as the devil goes you're good haha oh yeah I got you man thanks brother fuck this I'm out of here you're all fucking weird and this is bullshit Liam you're a fucking murderer Alex you're a bum Jake you're a fucking dickhead hell yeah ain't that the truth brother let's go babe get your own ride home pervert maybe suck some dick for an uber ride home

thank you brother brother brother brother erica is also homophobic homo homophobic homo homophobic, homo-homophobic, homo-homophobic. Shut the fuck up, Thomas! Liam, let's go. Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. I didn't fucking kill anybody. Yeah, you did, because guess what? I drown dogs. Yeah, who gives a shit?

And Mouth Queen Mike here sucks off guys he meets on Chat Roulette. You're all you bitches of shit. Get the fuck out of my house. So I can jack off and eat cheese from the fridge, from the fridge, like the world's worst, the world's worst,

the world's worst, the world's worst, the world's worst. Where did everyone go? They all had work tomorrow. Sucks. And then there were three. Anyone want some of this blood I've been drinking this whole time?

Shazam ain't worth the fuck. I'm going to make a small tent. Fuck! Jesus Christ! Help! What the fuck's happening? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Where am I? Who are you?

It seems you aren't really in a position to be asking questions. Although I suppose prying minds can't help themselves. You've always been an inquisitive one, Jake. What? Just fucking let me go, man. I don't know who you think I am or what any of this is, but please just let me go.

Begging already. I thought you'd put up more of a fight. Maybe struggle with those bindings a bit. Fuck you! There he is. My hopelessly arrogant friend. The man I know

and love. Even in the face of certain death. Defiant till the bitter end. You had me going there for a second I really thought you'd be softened on account of the chair the rope the human demise and so on

who the fuck are you where am I I don't understand oh my god I can't I can God, I can't... I can't remember. I can't remember anything. You really don't know, do you? Must have got the dosage wrong when I put you out.

Unfortunate. I guess the trip down Bimber Lane will have to do. There you go There's one at one question answered Hello Jake Thomas What the fuck okay, right, right this is This is some kind of dumb fucking joke. Yeah.

Okay. Just untie me, man. Let's go eat some catfish and call it a day. Seriously, dude. These ropes, they hurt, man. This is not funny. I tie you to a chair, inject you with a mysterious green liquid, go through all this trouble to remove your long, lanky body to a discreet location and you still think this a joke I

Took you for intelligent man and an intelligent man knows what he's beat an intelligent man Understands that his choices have consequence and is at least enough of a man to lie in the bed he's made for himself. Seems I was wrong. There will be no catfish today, I am afraid. Man, I... I don't know what I did or what I said or whatever it is.

I'm sorry, okay? What do you think? Just untie me, please, man. I'm starting to get scared. How can a man truly apologize for that which he does not remember? What? How can you be truly sorry for the pain you've caused if you don't recall the transgression that landed you here? The decisions, your decisions, I might add, that ultimately led you to this moment,

these final moments, to the place where you will die terribly. Thomas, quit fucking around. Thomas. Fine. Out of the kindness of my sweet southern heart, I'll give you a recap, so you know why you're here and your life is forfeit. Let's go back, shall we, my old friend?

Way, way back to a simpler time. When I considered you a brother. Way, way back to a simpler time. When I considered you a brother. When I would have scorched the earth for you if you had asked. 45 minutes earlier. Fuck. Where are they? Have you seen them? Seen what? Peach rings. Fresh bag.

Just got them from the store before you got here. Oh. Uh. Sorry, dude. I thought they were old. I ate them earlier. You... ate them? My peach rings? Yeah, man. I didn't think it was a big deal. Stores, like, right down the road from your place.

Just go get another bag. Take the business card. Write it off. Who gives a shit? Put it on a company card. You know what I mean? Company card. Eating big-ass peach it on a company card. You know what I mean? Company card. Eating big ass pea drinks on a company card.

Getting a tasty bucket of soda on a company card. Getting a Bud Light tall boy on a company card. Getting all sorts of candy on a company card. My hungry little hippo. Your gluttony sealed your fate. You had to go and eat my candy. You washed my hand. The fucking peach strings?

The peach strings from less than an hour ago? I ate your fucking peach strings and you drug me, black bagged me, tied me to a fucking chair. What are you, fucking retarded? Don't take that tone with me, petulant child. And remove that word from your vocabulary. It's hurtful. Hurtful?

Thomas, you fucking drugged and kidnapped me. Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things in order to right the course of the ship, to bend the moral arc of the universe back toward justice. After men with tainted souls. Fuck it up. And make a mockery of it. Soil it with their greed.

Their voracious emptiness that they fill with the belongings of others. Fine, man. I'm fucking... I'm sorry. Alright, I should have asked before I ate the peach rings belongings of others. Fine, man. I'm fucking... I'm sorry. All right, I should have asked before I ate the peach rings. Just let me go, man. You can have the Patreon money, all of it. Just let me go, dude. We can call it even. I won't say anything.

Freed not, my candy-loving friend. Unfortunately, this is where this story ends. And yours. Yours. The human body, upon experiencing the grotesque and often fatal nature of third-degree burns, doesn't at first experience pain. It's more of a cold, tingling sensation. At first.

This evolutionary blessing is only temporary, of course, as the skin burns away to reveal muscle, tendon, and bone. Then it hurts. Quite a bit, in fact. Somebody. Anybody. Somebody. We're in an abandoned housing development just outside Dallas. No one's going to hear you. A rat might. A rat might hear the desperate squeaks of his brethren. His candy-stealing Ken, who seems incapable of accepting that the show's over.

The curtains have been drawn. The vibrato of the fat lady reaches its pitch-perfect crescendo on this glorious day that our Lord has made. Care for a smoke, my fuel-soaked friend? You cocksucker. Do it. Just fucking do it. Ah, finally.

Acceptance. The last stage of grief. Fitting at this, the penultimate moment in this pitiful story. Should've tied those rapes to toter, buddy. Should've tied them up. Should've fucking tied them tighter, brother.

Laps peach. Shoulda tied him up Shoulda fuckin' tied him Tied him, brother That's a peach That's a peach ring, dude I'm just playing in the sand Man, that's so fuckin' stupid I'm gonna beat the shit out of you For how stupid that was God God damn it Gotcha! You fuckin' won Dib shit God damn it Not you fucking one

Do shit you thought I was gonna fight your fucking big ditch digging dig labor and ass fucking one. Hello I'll be done, but ain't stupid Fucking nuts, man. I think you popped one. I think you popped one of those. Just popped a little bit. Ah, fuck. Oh god, that was god damn it. Hey, man.

Ah. I'm sorry. I did tie me to the chair and shit. I just... Get up. Come on. It's fine. Let's just... Lock the peach rings, dude.

Let's just go get a beer. You know, cooler heads prevail and all that The old switcheroo the change-up right in the fucking strike zone grand slam two balls one strike bases loaded bottom the night He did my friend in the dick and nuts after he tried to bum me alive Turn it out how you playing is it big fella? Is the catfish offer still on the table by chance? I don't think so, buddy. That's fair.

Hey, Thomas. Yeah. You're gay. You're gay. Thanks for listening, everybody, to Pendejo's Playhouse. We did some more. I did a couple on the premium, and this wouldn't be possible without you guys and our sponsors. This week, our sponsor for the show, Mint Mobile.

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A lot of cool motherfuckers in there. I don't hate anybody that's in there. They're all pretty nice guys. If you pay five bucks a month, you get access to that discord plus a bonus episode a week we got a whole backlog of bonus episodes there's only well over 100 at this point um if you get 10 bucks a month check this shit out you get all that stuff bonus episode discord access plus a video episode every month brought to you by uh penteo time us it wouldn't have been anybody else um we have a whole backlog of those video episodes if you want some video episodes and by Pandejo Time. Us. It wouldn't have been anybody else.

We have a whole backlog of those video episodes. If you want some video episodes and you're not willing to say, I don't have two bucks a month, dude, I just don't got it right now. Times is tough. Head on over to YouTube, Pandejo Time Worldwide. We have three video episodes up as well as a sketch and some awesome clips from the show that you can giggle at, as well as some of our audio episodes. Our more popular audio episodes are up there on YouTube, so you can throw them on while you do your chores

or whatever the hell it is that you like to do. Thanks for listening, guys. This is a short one for this week, a short freebie, but we'll be back to regularly scheduled programming next week. Thank you. Bye-bye.