Pendejo Time - post-party depression

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

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Yeah, anyway, you're like when you're driving a motor vehicle, you're like not allowed to be tired. I mean, I guess you can do whatever you want, but you can sleep the whole time. Yeah. And I was like, I got an hour and a half away from home and I was like, I am super sleepy. And so to like wake myself, like I wasn't like falling asleep behind the wheel or anything but i was just like i would like eat the beef jerky i ate that entire like pound and a half of beef jerky that we got that pile which was super good for me uh it's super good for my body yeah a lot of people don't know how good eating like i would assume 3 000 calories with the beef jerky is for you but if beef jerky was bad for you would they have it on red dead no no they would not they would they would not be allowed to sell something like that

anyway yeah no it was fine i just came home and like watched a documentary late in bed and then like yeah just pass the fuck out but uh did you make it to work you made it to work today yeah all good yeah it's these the place we were working today like my house was on the way so they just picked me up cool nice um what so what is can you give me a brief in the listeners like a brief rundown of like the car situation and then like what like did the mechanic So, as you may know by now, listeners, me and our friend Alex were driving to Houston for the final show, the Chop Up Mini Tour.

Well, mini tour for us, regular tour for them, I guess. But anyway, we reached around the halfway point. Well, actually, leading up to this okay so alex takes first shift driving because uh his mom packed his dinner which was very nice for and so i was eating in the passenger seat and he was driving and then we switched off i didn't realize that the battery light had been flickering yeah on and off which has not happened before with that vehicle but you know shit you know it's kind of old so things just kind of pop on and off sometimes i you know so i noticed it's it comes on the battery light indication comes on yeah while we're in the middle of absolutely nowhere um like just one of those stretches in texas where there is just not jack shit yeah um

and i'm not noticing you know any weird noises or anything so you're just trucking i'm just like well i guess i'll check it out yeah i have a chance but i didn't want to pull over and turn the car off because if it's the battery i didn't want it to not start back up that was my logic so um it goes from flickering to just constantly being on and i'm like well this is worse then the check engine light comes on and i'm like well that's good that's all we've got ourselves a little scenario don't we yeah so i'm like all right if i can just make it to houston you know yeah everything will be fine i'll get it checked out in houston yeah before we head back i'll just take it to a mechanic and make sure everything's all good.

Well, thankfully, I did not have to worry about taking it to Houston. The car took care of that for me. Yeah. I would like to note that earlier in the drive, I was telling Alex, I said, you know, we're getting pretty close to the 150,000 mile mark here on the car. It's a good car. But nothing has gone wrong yet and i wouldn't be surprised if something minor goes wrong pretty soon right we'll see right well something minor happened something minor happened um and so i you know sometimes when

you're driving a reliable vehicle because the toyota matrix is a reliable vehicle sometimes you lose your power steering in the middle and and the car kind of turns off and that's what we call a pickle in the industry so pull over thankfully there's only like six tornadoes going on in the area. Yeah, it's raining fucking sheets. Yeah, so I get out, and I'm like, well, I know I need to clean my battery terminals. I've been meaning to get around to that. And Alex has had a Coke, and I was like, hey, can I have the rest of that Coke? And I poured it on the battery terminals, and I cleaned them, and I was like, all right, well. I saw this on YouTube once, so this is that worked so yeah now if we need to jump we'll be all right yeah

i try to start the car again and uh it it's not even attempting to turn over and then i look i've got the hood popped and i see sparks coming out of the battery like harry potter style like yeah like fucking like animation for like electricity but like really like royalty free lightning bolts coming out of the battery and i'm like well yeah i was like well alex i'll be honest i don't know what the fuck that was but you gotta stay on your toes yeah you always gotta be prepared so that's why by the way it's pitch black outside cars are going past rain is coming down pretty hard

so I do the responsible thing and I just sort of talk to Alex about what we should maybe do for probably about 30 minutes I want to give everyone a little touch so like camera cuts I'm at a bar like 3 minutes from where I grew up in Pasadena, Texas, like 15, 20 minutes outside of Houston.

And Thomas is sending me pictures that's just like Blair Witch lighting. I don't know. He's like car broke down in the middle of fucking nowhere in Buffalo, Buffalo, fucking Texas. You know, it could have been worse. Yeah. But anyway, so I call it. Finally, I'm like, fucking Texas. You know, it could have been worse. Yeah. But anyway, so I call it. Finally, I'm like, fucking all right. I call a tow truck driver.

He was a real winner too, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. He was a great one. And he said, well, I'm out of town right now. I'm going to give you my dad's number. He is also a tow truck driver in Buffalo, Texas. And I said, yeah, it's fine. I call that guy.

I'm like, hey, I need to jump at the very least here. Maybe something more. Yeah, maybe a little. Yeah, maybe a little something else. A little roughnecking. And he's like, well, it ain't going to work. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, well, he was driving it right.

Well, his battery's not charging. It's something else. I wouldn't even worry about jumping it. You're pretty much stranded out there. I don't even know what you could do Really And I was like Alright well

You sure You know like just Just sit here and eat my own penis Till I die And so I'm like Well I appreciate the advice You know just go fuck myself I guess Anyway

So having no luck with the battery I'm like, well, I appreciate the advice. You know, just go fuck myself, I guess. Anyway. So, having no luck with the battery. Eventually, I call that guy back. I'm like, well, he just told me to a mechanic shop. And he's like, I guess. Fuck you. You know. Thank you so much, sir. Yeah.

So, I put my hazards on. Those die. Hazards are out. Pitch black. So Alex and I, we're doing the best we can. We're in survival mode. We're both on Twitter telling people that the car broke down. Using our last little bits of battery life to be like, oh, God.

Yeah. Oh, no. Fuck, what am I going to do? I was going to, like, it's funny because I was leaving the bar, and when I was going to come get you, like, the fucking rain was coming down, and it was fucking windy as shit, and I was like. Really, it was? Yeah.

I imagine it probably was. Well, I'm saying the storm went from Houston to Buffalo. So I was thinking, I was like, it'll be no problem. I've driven in the rain before. But it was like, I got down the road towards the freeway and texted you. And I was like, you know, my thinking is if I get stuck out there, like 50, 60 miles from you, like my car flips, it's like, you know, we got to make it to this show.

We got to fucking, you know, this show must go on. So you and Alex spent the night in Buffalo, Texas. Right. One of the shining examples of a Texas city named after a more well-known city that has a lot to offer in terms of places to stay, things to do, people to see. So, tow truck driver gets there. It's not the guy I talked to on the phone. It's a guy with an entirely made-up type of Texas accent that does not exist. And there's almost no reason for me to describe it

but it's essentially like west and east texas combined in like a brutally mentally deficient way that i don't even care to approximate trying yeah no his voice fucking sucked to hear the voice that you did when when we were talking about it was like kind of a mixture of the Cajun voice we do and then like Alex Jones. You're kind of like, well, I got something, I got to put it on the battery and all the guys and come down here for you and now we can get a shot. Yeah, we're like in the middle of a severe thunderstorm. And so basically he puts like one of those jump starters on the car and he's like, basically he says, I don't want to put it up on the tow truck because there's a storm.

And in my head I'm like, well, I don't know if you're aware of your job title. Yeah. It's tow truck driver. Yeah. You know, anyway. So thankfully, you know, I'm following Professor Penis down the road, and the fucking thermostat or whatever,

temperature gauge it goes from a nice little three quarters to engine melting to engine melting mode which is where it just goes up and if it could go further up it would but it's just at the top yeah and toyota matrix was designed for single moms so there is no actual temperature there. Yeah. It just says it just has the thickest bar. Danger mode. Yeah.

Yeah. It says you're fucked. Dot gov. Anyway. So I have to pull over and then he pulls over whatever. Anyways, that's not important. We get back to the hotel or we get to a truck stop actually where he dropped us off. It has a Taco Bell in there there i buy a raccoon hat i buy taco bell um we try and get an uber in the

middle of buffalo fucking texas yeah to houston texas in the middle and you would not believe this there were no drivers available so we walked to a hotel which wasn't that far we just basically had to cross the road buffalo isn't very big i checked it's got like 2 000 it's got 1900 people yeah which is like the exact amount you would expect right um anyway we get there and uh the waitress is the waitress the the host hotel front receptionist yeah god damn she like just hates that we exist yeah of course like i'm like hey uh can i get just a room for two two queen-size beds would be good and she's just like, I don't know.

Like one of those people, it's like, hey, you work at a hotel. What do people do other than ask for rooms and check out of rooms and maybe be like, hey, there's a body in there. Here's an extra $500. Yeah. Anyway, we stayed at the luxurious. Quality Inn and Suites. Quality Inn. I see why they call it that because it had a lot

of qualities to it um they don't hero jake comes picks us up in the morning um and i i'd already hatched my my jammy night playing and originally i was going to not tell alex about it till till that night because there's gonna be all three of us yeah but whenever whenever the tow truck driver was like i get your stuff out whatever you need for the night or whatever you know i had to get out three pairs of hidden pajamas uh grown men's size yeah three matching sets of baby blue full pajama sets as well as the amazon bag in case they didn't fit one of us and a raccoon hat and a cowboy hat yes and then a hawaiian shirt still on the hanger Yeah And a backpack and then a big bag of pretzels Anyway so

Alex and I Despite having a rough night We still had jammy night So that was good Next day you come in Oh did I tell you about the diner No I don't think you did So we walked to one of the like two diners In Buffalo Next day you come in. Oh, did I tell you about the diner? No, I don't think you did.

So we walked to one of the two diners in Buffalo. Yeah. And we walk in. And one thing I guess, just one of those things about diners, even if it's not busy, there's always noise. Yeah, there's like a noise floor like on a vinyl record. Yeah, like there's just something going on is like a like a noise floor like on a vinyl record like yeah like there's just something going on always yeah yeah we open the door to this diner and there are people in there there are a few people in there but it is dead silent there is not one noise going on in this and there's probably five people in the establishment you can hear your own blood pumping

type shit and they're just all just like sitting there like they're waiting for you to walk up and like start a dialogue tree yeah dialogue tree yeah and then this you know waitress comes out and she's like hello thank you for coming have a seat i'm like what the fuck is happening you were in side quest territory there dude like you were this was you know a place for you to god sent me there for a reason yeah you you were like i didn't know you were texting me in the diner because you were like you literally were like i feel like i could kill everyone in this city and as long as i didn't return to it no one would ever no yeah i could kill all 1900 of those people like no consequences like the it would be like it would be like uh in skyrim where like

if you basically go around and kill all the little skeleton guys yeah in a in an area like more don't pop up yeah there's no backup in buffalo texas yeah they can only call each other so you have and also one weird thing i didn't see a police station i didn't see a single police car yeah we were talking about that when we were when i was driving y'all back to fort worth i was thinking was like, this town is so small that they probably have a cop, that guy, they were like, the only guy that's not 400 pounds. I would think that whatever county they're in would focus on Buffalo because when you have a lot of truckers going through an area, it's easy to get meth arrests. I mean, it's in like Leon County. I did see like outside the city on the head and there were like a Leon County like state

or whatever the fuck but it did have a sort of feeling that like like a true detective type city. Kind of like a very everyone has some sort of

terrible thing they've done that they're just like not talking about. You don't stay there for no reason. Yeah. No. You go there either by accident or with a purpose to do

bad deeds or because like your grandmother like you know offended some bruja or whatever your bloodline is cursed to live there for 50 generations dude on the way up there when i was coming to pick you all up and then obviously like literally i think i passed by huntsville and like the prison system probably four or five times over the last three days. And I've passed through Huntsville before, but the time before that, I was much younger. And I didn't really, like, have the wherewithal to come to a realization that was very sobering and kind of morbidly funny, at least to me. that was very sobering and kind of morbidly funny, at least to me. The prison that sits right next to one of the only two or three bar and restaurant areas for Sam Houston State University kids is the Holiday Unit.

And for the listeners that aren't from Texas, the Holiday Unit is a place that you go to when you're transferred from a county jail anywhere in Texas, and then you go off to TDC or Walls or wherever the fuck. If you're going to Walls, you're fucked. But any other major state prisons, federal or whatever in Texas, Holiday Unit is sort of appropriately named. Anyway, it's still a pretty nasty place, even though it's a transitory place. It's not a sort of place that you stay for a long

time it is within viewing distance if you're on the yard you can see a chili's and a longhorn steakhouse and like a strip of bars like i when i was driving i was like no this is this is i can't imagine like can you imagine getting stabbed or your shit turned out, like, in the yard or whatever, and you are within sniffing distance of, like, Southwest Egg Rolls, like, at the Chili's? It's literally that fucking close. Like, I feel like prisoners should be... Like, some AB enforcer is just, like, beating the dog shit out of you and pissing on you, and you just get a brief whiff, like a waft, you of like chips and guac and you're like i'll be out of here in 20 if i don't

get raped to death like 20 2066 hopefully the chili's next door is still like it seems more criminal to have a prison next to like you know a buffalo wild wings like well that's why you just don't commit that's why you don't break the logic you're right you're a hundred percent correct there however you know sometimes people they live lives that are you know they got to do what they got to do all those excuses you know and uh and it's you end up in jail or on probation or something, it's your own fault. That is true. And you should learn from it. And I know that we both have.

Yes. Kind of, I would suppose. So didn't you tell me the motor blew, by the way? So... I was initially told, because I thought it was the alternator, by I thought it was, the two friends I asked thought it was the alternator. Right. So they said the alternator wasn't working,

but it was just because the water pump was out. And I was like, all right, is that good or bad? And they're like, it's good. It's not as expensive. I was like all right is that good or bad and they're like it's good it's not as expensive it's like cool that's good i like it when it's less expensive so i wait they initially told me that it would most likely be done the next morning i was like hell yeah that's good i can get it right you can get the vehicle and then drive with Alex to Houston. The show goes on.

Next morning I call and they're like, yeah, there's not a fucking chance that's happening. Cool, cool. They're like, but it'll be done today. We'll get it done today. I'm like, all right, cool. I guess we'll figure that out. Yeah. So you come pick us up.

The next morning, I'm like, hey. Because the next morning we're leaving. Yeah, you're right, right, right. I'm like, hey, you know. Hey, how's it going? Hey, can I have my fucking little car, please? Can I have my car? Can I have my little fucking car?

Yeah, we haven't even fucking started on that. So, you know. All right, well. Get fucked wrong. How about I kill myself in your establishment and you have to deal with that? Right. Which actually they would deal with very easily. They would be.

It's Buffalo. They would. Do you know how? They have like a dog that just eats the bodies. I was literally about to say like just a pin behind the mechanic shop that's like two rottweilers and like three breeding pigs like championship hogs that are kind of like beyond their date you know you just walk a championship hog for you right here do you really i don't think it's championship i don't think it is either i'm gonna keep it a bill with

you son i think that you maybe you like you've got an amateur league hog. Maybe you had a nice little streak in the minor leagues, but now it's just you blew your knee in the fourth quarter with that one. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Fair estimate. How would you assess my penis?

Would you give me a similar rating on that regard? What do you think? Do you think I made it to AAA? Jucoco walk on okay all right i'll take it okay juco junior varsity wrestling like i got the leotard i think i yeah regionals maybe yeah that would be like i'm trying to imagine like Like You're like sexting a girl And you're like you know

Hey This dick right here JV Tight end Yeah that's how guys love to talk about their dicks Yeah Yeah if my penis was a Played bowling

300 Perfect game In your pussy bitch baby girl I'm bowling fucking straight turkeys if I was playing

tennis with your pussy I'd do really good I would be that guy who yelled at people I'd be I'd be choke a bitch

or whatever but yeah choke yeah my penis is like Michael Jordan it's Michael Jordan in baseball. It's a guy who showed up to play.

Some people know who he is, but he didn't really do too great. Anyway, you know, this is a very funny sort of episode to start with after doing three shows in some of the three biggest cities in the state um because i was uh i came home and i was like we usually record wednesday nights like i'm recording this right now and it's going to go up at 7 34 p.m on march 24th 2022 that is the god's honest truth and i was, I kind of was thinking about podcasting last night after I got home. And I was like, man, I would rather like. I realized it was Wednesday yesterday. Yeah.

Well, when I got home, dude, I got home at like around nine. I think it was like eight. I don't fucking know. Hey, Ashley. Love you. Hey, Dolly. Missed you. Kiss, kiss. I take a shower and I lay down fucking know. Hey, Ashley, love you. Hey, Dolly, miss you. I'm going to kiss Keith.

I take a shower and I lay down in bed. And my body was like, where's the chicken wings, man? Where is the, you know? I could like, grand prize, every time I walked up, some guy that I knew from like six years ago was like, he handed me a shot. By the way, big time respect to the guy who like shoved his way into the picture with us in Chapo.

Yeah, the guy who pissed his pants. The guy that you had piss on your fucking jeans and you seem to either A, not notice or B, not care. He also said you check out the podcast. Let's see if that's true. Yeah, let's see if that happens. Hey, if you took a picture blackout drunk in front of grand prize bar in houston texas and you were wearing i think like blue shorts or slacks i don't know if you knew this but you had a massive stain

of piss like it was a lot of piss it wasn't even like a little because sometimes look as a man i think you're allowed three drips before it's pissing yourself. Maybe two. What do you like? Two drips when you get back. If it's a solid mass, like bigger than the size of like a dime. Yeah, that's pissing yourself. Okay, we can agree on that. It was at least like the size of maybe like a peach.

It was like a baseball-sized puddle of piss on the pants. It wasn't a full piss pant leg. That's the classic both legs down the middle from the crotch piss pant. But it was... There was piss in your pants. There was piss in your pants. It came out of your wiener. It came out...

And everybody knows it. The problem with the amount of piss was that it was not so much that the guy pissed his pants. It looked like he did piss normally in a urinal and got like 80% of the way through and was like, I'm solid here. And then just shoved his dick back in his pants. Because when I noticed it, I was like, oh, this is a fair amount of piss. But it is, like I said, not a full bladder of piss. So I guess he just. Maybe he's got a tiny bladder he could but like so he can't fit much wee wee in there i i sent i i sent i texted

will and i was like i think me and thomas and felix just realized this guy's pants we were so we were at genia and he was i i legitimately when i looked at the pictures, like I did not notice like at all until it was, you pointed it out. I was like, man, like the fucking honestly. Shout out to beach tweets. Yeah. Beach tweet. Yeah. Beach tweets.

Yeah. I was like, respect because if to go up, I'm assuming the guy knew who, you know, they were like chapel guys were like. I hope that, I hope he didn't. Yeah, it would be funnier if he didn't. I hope that he thought that they were, like, the Sex Pistols. To go up to, like, a quasi-famous group of people with piss in your pants and be like, let me hop in on this picture with y'all. That is just like a Sigma.

Have you seen the Liam Neeson thing? I don't know. Offhand, I don't know what you're talking about. He walks around with piss in his pants like a lot. When he drinks, he pisses his pants and he just does not care. That's awesome. There are paparazzi pictures where he's

just smoking a cigarette in public with piss in his slacks. He does not give a shit. That's like, what is he, Irish or Scottish? He's Irish, yeah, I think. smoking a cigarette in public with like piss and his slacks he like does not give a shit that is so that's like what is he irish or scottish that's like a very i think that's a sick like old irish guy thing to do um yeah uh the uh i pissed my pants on the way to meet you for the first time I pissed my pants on the way to meet you for the first time. That's right.

Yeah, you did. I think. Beat my pants. Yeah. Have you ever, okay, shart notwithstanding, have you ever like full-blown shit your pants? Like past being like eight or nine years old or 35. Just kidding.

Past when it's like, past being like a toddler. Can you remember? No, I don't believe I have. I would. I mean, I'd tell you if I had. I don't think. Yeah, no, I know you would. I think, I don't know if I've told this story on the show before, but my friend pissed himself on the couch. No.

We were, so this was like peak drug era for me and all my roommates. And we lived in that, I've talked about the house, Catalina house. It was this shitty fucking rat infested. Basically it wasn't abandoned we we lent we leased it we rented the fucker we paid rent but when we rented it it was dog shit and we left it in worse condition um it was just like rats bugs the whole nine yards um and uh basically it was just a house to eat pills do coke jack off and skip class and like you know get fired from your job or whatever we'd have people crashing the couch just to set the scene for what happened here well anyway uh one fucking nice middle of the week we had all

either called out of work or skipped school or whatever the fuck and we're all fucked up on pills and living and we're watching Boardwalk Empire. And my friend Jay, shout out to Jay, close friend of mine from Houston, Texas as well, he has been sitting on the couch. We ordered a bunch of pizza and he's like grossly, the kind of like ripping ass where you're like, dude, you need to get the fuck up

because you are approaching something very dangerous here soon. You know what I'm talking about? Like, you know, like just very close very nasty very gross like no no good anyway he's wearing like thin like ebenezer scrooge like pajama pants like just like very like the shit that you get at dollar tree you know you're like i need some new pajama you know what i'm talking about like they have no buttons, so your penis flops out of them

when you walk around in them. And we're watching Boardwalk Empire, and we're, like, binging it, you know? We're all fucked up, dude. Like, passing around this bottle of, like, Seagram's Gin or whatever the fuck. He takes a fucking big swig

of this fucking bottle, and he, you know, like, leans over to fart, and he just, like, like, normal fart and he just like like normal fart and then like he goes and all of us like look at each other and we're like what the fuck dude like did you just shit and he's like yeah like not a shark but like not a full one and he's on the couch that like like, some people sleep on because we had a lot of couch surfers at the time. We're like, immediately, all of us are like,

Jay, get the fuck up right now. You got those thin, shitty pajamas on. Get up. Get in the fucking shower. He's wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets. Eyes are just red slits. He's fucked up. He goes, no.

No. I'm good. We were like, there was, like, a still silence in the room what do you mean you're fucking good dude and he was like bro i'm so fucking cozy right now and these pills kicking dog and i was like i don't give a fuck you're hiring giraffe pussy you get the fuck like all of us are screaming like you have shit in your butthole and like it's gonna get on your pants and then it's gonna get on the couch and then like on our blankets and he's like to get on your pants, and then it's going to get on the couch, and then on our blankets. And he's like, I'm not moving.

I'll wait until the episode's over, and I'll go shower. Boardwalk Empire is an hour-long episode-like series. We were like minute 20. There's like a good 40 minutes left in the episode, and at this point, we're all standing up. Guests that we had over in the house are like somewhere between laughing and shouting at him and he's got this stupid like grinch smile he's like like cut blanket up to his up to his chin he's like

i'm so fucking cozy and yeah i got poop on me but i ain't fucking going no way and none of y'all motherfuckers can make me do literally fucking anything and you know you can can't. Because I'm your fucking roommate and I'm your friend. And you know that you're too fucked up to start a fight over this shit. And you're not going to fight a guy who's got shit in his pants. Literally, like, it was the ultimate checkmate. I don't know how else to describe it. Because we were all like, get the fuck up, you nasty, stinky piece of shit. We were not fucking around.

It was funny at first, but it stinks. You got your poop on the fucking couch, and it's fucking nasty. We were all yelling, like, we have rats. You know, we got fucking cockroaches, but we are not going to start shitting on the fucking furniture. You know, like, we're not going to let it get that bad. And he's like, I straight up don't give a fuck. Like, I'll deal with it later, and I am embarrassed a little bit,

but I'm fucking chilling like mad style chilling right now and we all just kind of like resigned right now he did eventually he got up and kind of like half waddled to like to the shower and like turned the shower on and was in there for like an hour and came out and like changed or whatever he there was so many like I was roommates with this guy for probably like collectively like like i don't know like three or four years and uh he uh we had like it was like two or three in the morning at same house uh we threw a party but uh all everybody had left like the liquor was gone drugs were gone and uh and it was really just

like the roommates the roommates girlfriends and like girlfriends and, like, stragglers. Like, party stragglers. Like, people looking for fucking, I guess, like, beers in the fridge or, like, you know, pizza or whatever. And this dude, Jay, comes out of his bedroom. Him and his girlfriend were in there. He comes out of his bedroom ass- ass naked holding jean shorts and his penis is still hard and uh he's like i can't put these on dog like super fucked up and i was like hey man like there are people um there are people like at the party still he like like looks around

takes a serve everybody he's like oh fuck man is my penis out and i was like yeah and it's kind of like hard still too and he was like man that's fucked up he was like anyway man i'm having trouble getting my shorts on and i was like dog uh are you like he was handing like he was standing across from me in the living room and people are kind of like like everyone's dying or like on their phones or whatever and he's like handing his shorts to me and kind of trying to sit down so i'll put his jeans on for him and i'm like hey big dog i'm not gonna like put these jeans on for you bro because your your penis is out and i don't want to get that close to your penis he was like man i just need you to do me a solid right now because like uh because i'm fucked up right now and i feel like you're like you know like you're my friend and i love

you and you just need to help me get my shorts on and i was like dude i'm not gonna do like go to your fucking room and put your shorts on like you're a fucking 20 year old like you are an adult man i know you're fucked up we're all fucked up but we all have our pants on dog like there's not everybody here is just as fucked up as you're all fucked up. But we all have our pants on, dog. Like, there's not... Everybody here is just as fucked up as you are off pills and fucking coke and whatever the fuck else. But you are the only one with your nuts out and your penis out. And he's like, yeah, I guess it's like an embarrassing thing I'm doing right now, huh? And I was like, oh, yeah.

It's like something that you're gonna tomorrow feel really solid about and you're not gonna worry about it like at all it's gonna be one of those things that you like don't think about for two weeks or whatever and he was like yeah I was like anyway you need to get the fuck back to your room because this whole time this is talking like this is like a five to ten minute conversation I'm clothed he's not middle of the living room people are trying to go out the front door. Like, Hey, I got an Uber. There's a guy with his penis out in here. I gotta go. I gotta hit the fuck, you know, I gotta. And, uh, for whatever reason he was like, all right. Okay. Like he tries to get his blood pumping. Like his eyes are just like, he's like, I'm gonna go to

my room. I'm gonna put some clothes on. We're gonna keep party fucking going. He high knees, like football, high knees Like football High knees Back to his fucking bedroom Through the kitchen And his fucking shit Is just like a speed bag Just like flopping dude And I'm like

Does he hoard this entire time? He was getting Throughout the conversation He was slowly deflating I could see in my peripheral He was just kind of going You know It was

His penis was like No longer hard by the end of the conversation. I was trying to not look at his dick, but when your friend is like five feet from you and you're trying to talk to him and he's kind of like talking with his hands and shit and his penis is out, it's like, it's hard not to see your friend's penis. It's hard for everyone not to see your friend's penis. You know, that's just sort of the way that it goes. Uh, and he finally like goes into his room and he puts his jean shorts on he comes out and uh he goes he's like we're out there talking we go out smoke a cigarette i'm trying to like relay to him what just happened he's like goes back in

the living room he's like damn where'd everybody go he kind of like came to a little bit and a little bump and was like where'd everybody go man i was like well everyone had left there was like where everybody go man i was like well everyone had left there was like maybe 10 people left uh uh but i i figured they thought the party was over because uh you had your penis out uh well not like in a weird way but in like i'm fucked up way he was like oh okay as long as he was like as long as you know as long as it was just like i don't have a fucking shithouse way i don't put my pants on uh and like for like a year that, he would come up to me at parties that we would be at either at our house or somewhere else, and he's like, hey, man, I'm having trouble putting my pants on.

He was like, I think you could. Can you help me put my jammies on so I can go to sleep? And I was like, get the fuck out of my back. He's like, get the fuck out of here, dude. Yeah, I've never, i guess the initial question i don't know if i'm on a tangent i've had like even i have ibs everybody knows this about me now listen to the show it's part of the lore uh i it's part of the lore yeah it's part of the lore that's the pende lore. Yeah. That Jake has studied up on that. Right.

That I have IBS. I've never shit my pants. I've come dangerously close, but I've never, yeah, I've never shit my pants. I had to think about it for a second. But I've never like full-blown shit my pants. When people tell me, like, yeah, I've shit my pants before. I'm like yeah i've shit my pants before i'm like how like that's a conscious decision that you have to make like i've had fucking like sicknesses i've been fucked up dude but i've never like i've never full-blown like dropped a fucking dropped a

bunch of poop in my pants dog like i've never i've never done it whenever i was in middle school i uh i got a stomach bug but i ran cross country at the time yeah and it hit me while i was running in my neighborhood how close i'm pretty close i shit in my neighbor's yard No, you did not. I did. Behind a little bush. I think you told me about this when we were playing Warzone, like right before we started. Right, so they had their main yard,

and they had just a property next to it. Yeah. And it was like, it was in the property technically, but it was on the very edge, like six feet from their actual yard. Yeah. And it just, it had to happen right then. Yeah. It was happening.

Like as you were approaching the spot. Like that was, no, I made it out clean technically. Okay. But the thing was, after that, I had to run the rest of the way home. And you had like butt poop like you obviously you couldn't have did you pick some grass up and go fucking I used some dead leaves

I like how you straight went like less stroud you can only do so much you went like less stroud survivor mode but I'm assuming in like a residential neighborhood like a suburban area fairly suburban fairly suburban yeah and then in like a residential neighborhood, like a suburban area? Fairly suburban.

Fairly suburban, yeah. And then, yeah, I think I had to run like another half mile after that. That's awesome. I couldn't walk because I was afraid. Yeah. I was running pretty fast, actually. Faster than I had been. You know what i've never never never full-blown pissed my pants uh i pissed my pants when i was a kid once um but that was like i was like a kid and i think i did it because i thought it would be funny

i did do it i remember it was one of my like core early memories i pissed my dress slacks like after we got home from church because i was like i'm gonna piss myself at like six years old that is funny yeah i remember my grandma was like boy did you piss yourself i was like yeah yeah it's funny like i was like sick yeah. Yeah, it's funny. Like, I was like sick. Now, here's the thing. Of course, my dad was like, my boy pissed his pants, you know, and my grandma was like, you know, whatever. And I haven't done it again. And I'm glad that I didn't make it a party trick. I feel like I could have evolved as a, like, a girl.

That wouldn't have even been your most depraved go-to. No, it wasn't. I had other ones that were, you know, I've told you the whole, uh, how hard can I hit my head with pots and pans until I, like, concuss myself type thing, which was very funny for a bit. Other similar stupid types of behavior. That trick where you re-circumcise yourself. Right.

I went to. One thing we did do, my buddy Frank, he was like a big drinker, but he never fucked with Xanax or Klonopin or any of the other shit that a lot of people know as fuck. He just was kind of like, he was a drunk, you know, but at the time, but he like never really fucked with like Xanax or Klonopin or any of the other shit that like a lot of people in the house fuck he just was kind of like he was a drunk you know but at the time but he like never really fucked with anything else one time it flooded and we lived on the top of a hill and he like gets drunk enough midday like you know all work got canceled it was a pretty bad fucking rain and we're all out in the front of the house hammered to shit and we go inside and we all get our bathing suits on and he's like y'all give me one of those fucking things

y'all always eating you know my friend was like klonopin he's like yeah he's like you sure he's like oh i was like all right whatever uh he eats a klonopin and tries to boogie board down the hill we lived on same house you know he skins like the nails off the top he was on the concrete but like where the water was rushing down i guess in his mind he was like if i get enough speed i can boogie board down on a boogie board that we found in the garage like down this concrete hill with gravel and like glass and like by the way like sewage run like water you know like sewage water and like skin the top of his toes and his knees it fucked his day up and he was like i gotta go lay down the man this shit fucked me up

and we were like okay you know so we all bring him into bed uh he we like lay him down because he was like having trouble walking this terrible thing just happened our friend who just tried a benzo for his first time. He also had a bunch of chest hair. You know, he's just a hairy guy. And he's also a big Batman fan. So he's like half asleep, like half, you know, awake or whatever. And I was like, hey, Frank, would you be mad if we shaved the Batman symbol into your chest hair?

And he was like, I mean, yeah, I'd be pretty mad about it it but it would also be kind of funny it was just don't do it you know we were like all right we won't and he's like all right and all like he's like kind of like he wasn't asleep but he was like you know and uh we shaved we shaved like we did a pretty fucking good job dude like i pulled my phone out we were looking at we had those had those old, like, disposable, like, fucking, like, yellow razors you get from Dollar General. And we shaved a pretty good bat symbol into his fucking chest. It was a, we, it would have been funnier if we fucked it up, but part of it was funny because it was like, we did, as fucked up as we already did, a pretty fucking good job. And, you know, we're like, alright, the work is done.

Like, end of Inglourious Bastards when they fucking carved that fucking swastika, and it's like, this is the best work I've ever done, you know? We all go, you know, back to the living room or whatever, and like an hour later, a friend comes out. He's got like a tank top on, and you can see the BAP symbol, like, popping out of the tank tops. He goes, what you all up to? And we're like, man, you know, rain's coming down hard.

Once it lets up, we're thinking about going to get some pizza. You know, been drinking all day. He's like, yeah. Yeah, I kind of got to hang over. I'm going to take a piss. And we're like waiting for, you know, we're like, all right, man. If you want to come with us, we're going to go get some pizza soon. So he paid a little bit more in rent to have have the main bedroom with its own bathroom or whatever.

And he walks into his bedroom, closes the door, and we just hear, No! Just like a movie, like, No! Fuck! Fucking loud. We all start crying. He comes out and he was like, Did I sign off on this? I fucking don't remember. Well, I blacked out

We were like, yeah, you thought it was cool, man Like you thought we thought it was a cool fucking shit you ever done in your whole life and he was like, ah fuck The next day though it ended up being kind of a hit the next day We went to a boat party that like our friend that had thrown that was like had some company he worked for i don't fucking remember the context and uh it was you know we like we get there or whatever and uh we kind of like had forgotten about it you know uh and like for we get there frank takes his shirt off and he's like you know we're on the boat people are coming up to him like hey man uh why do you have the batman symbol shaved into your

fucking chest here and he's like i just like batman man you know but like super like sort of matter of factly like everywhere i go in the party like like on the different like it was one of those party barges you can rent them for like a little bit of money like lake austin it wasn't like a boat yacht it was just something that had a motor and like a platform to drink on it. And I'm like walking around this shitty boat with all these fucking people I barely know. And you know, it's like this guy talking to some girl. He's like, have you seen that fucking guy

walking around here? Fucking Batman symbol shaped chest here. She's like, no, I haven't seen him. And people are like, you gotta fucking run into this guy. He loves Batman. By the way, we're like 21. We're not old, but it's not something that you're like, man, I just really like DC. I shaved Batman's symbol on my fucking chest.

My fucking chest hair. He kept it for a little bit. He let it grow out. But he didn't go home and shave it. He kind of, he was like, you know what, man,

it looks fucking stupid and fuck you all for doing this. But this is pretty funny. And I think I'm going to hold on to him and let it rock. It was fucking sick, dude. Yeah. Like that whole, I've talked about it.

I got some of it on here. Like the whole area is just like, like close calls. Like, um, my, the same guy, Jay, he,

uh, we were all partying and he like nodded off. And this is like, it's only funny cause he didn't die. This is one of those things that you're like, ah, fuck, you know,

he, uh, I don't know what he took that night, but we were on the couch and i'm sitting across from him and he's just kind of like looking at his phone he's like you know i'm like all right he's fucked up everybody's fucked up well you know a couple hours passing i go to go to like hey man you should go to bed bro you know it's kind of late he's like unresponsive like i'm slapping him like he's not coming to and i'm like oh fuck we've been playing with fire you know the whole

year we lived there and i was like god damn you know coming to. And I'm like, oh, fuck. We've been playing with fire, you know, the whole year we lived there. And I was like, goddamn, you know, I'm telling the guys, this motherfucker's not waking up, dude. We check his pulse and it's there, you know, but it's, I'm like, all right, I'm going to call fucking EMT, some Narcan, whatever the fuck. And one of my roommates was like, well, let's fucking throw some water on him, you know, and see if that works. And I'm like, all right.

His fucking pulse is fine. I'm calling 911, but let's get him in the fucking tub or whatever. And we fucking get him in the shower, and we turn the cold water on, and he's fully clothed. And I don't know what possessed us to do this, but he was really dirty at the time too. I don't think he'd shower in a while, so I put some Axe body wash on him and I'm like scrubbing him down trying to wake him up

I'm fucked up I'm like not even I'm not a responsible drug user or friend in that moment I'm like we're gonna get you cleaned up when the ambulance gets here man you're gonna be good to go and uh you know he like he's like kinda coming to a little bit.

And we're like, all right, he's waking up. And we all have soap. And we're like washing him down. And he fucking like, he's like, he goes, why are y'all motherfuckers bathing me? And we were like, dog, you were fucking like, you were unresponsive, bro. And he goes, I was unresponsive, so you bathed me? And I was like, yeah, man, I was going to call 911, bro. So we decided to, like, run some cold water on you.

And he was like, like, we're, like, helping him out of the shower. And he's like, bro, I get that. But, like, why am I soapy, dog? And I, like, was looking around for answers answers and it was kind of like one of those things were like i didn't have one to this day i was like i was looking at frank and i was like yeah why did we get the soap out and frank said i don't fucking know jared did it and i followed suit then you grabbed the shampoo it was just like it's like like kind of like you know like asking like a fucking a guy in nuremberg trials you know like

why did you fucking do the terrible things you did he's like everybody was doing it and i just was scared and he's like why'd you scrub your friend down with fucking body lotion and you're like he was gonna od and i didn't know what else to do yeah fuck to this day man we'll be hanging out and he's like man you know I'm gonna let you in on a little secret he's like this story's funny but he's like imagine if I fucking died and like instead of calling and getting me

narcan you just had a clean corpse you guys would have gone to a fucking jail and I was like yeah it's funny cause you didn't die it's a very funny story to tell. It's morbidly funny. One of those drug close calls.

He's like, yeah, man, can you imagine the EMT, like the paddy wagon showing up and you're crying. You're like, my friend's dead, but he smells good, dude. I miss my friend, but we did bathe him for y'all so y'all can get him. You don't got to clean him at Tamorg or nothing. Again, I still, I just said, I don't know why we did that. I legitimately don't know.

I can't think. I think I had just enough wherewithal to dial 911 on my phone and like have it like ready to go if he didn't wake up. And then he wakes up when we're bathing him. And I'm like, we don't got to call 911 no more. You're good uh i don't want to have to explain this to like emts and state police that uh in a fit of like opiate induced panic that i just bathed my friend as he was dying just scrubbed him the fuck down you know uh if you're listening to the show and you have an opiate problem and you want to quit uh we don't have any we i'm trying to take a bath we need to get a

kratom sponsor because that shit did help me a little bit and by help me i mean i just got addicted to kratom for a bit and sometimes i like once a year i'll let myself have a little fun um it is uh it's a pretty uh we don't we need to reach out to some Kratom sponsors I think I would love to do some Kratom reads I don't think you're legally allowed to say I can't have Kratom You can't have it?

No Why not? You can't have Kratom if you're on probation Can they piss for it? I don't know If you are found possessing it, it's a violation. Same with CBD. Oh, yeah, you told me about that.

Yeah, I remember when I first tried it, the guy at Planet K, which is like a chain of head shops, I don't know if they're outside of Central Texas, but there's like a handful of them in Austin. They just sell like, it's one of those joints that sells like shirts with Homer Simpson with his balls out on it and then also bongs and then also like strap on dildos and then crack pipes too.

They're basically a one stop shop for guys like Thomas. I was there to buy Whippets and the guy was like have you ever had Kratom? And I'm like oh no. He was like he was like have you ever created them and i'm like oh no he was like uh he's like if you take two you know take like two of these capsules it feels like a little adderall a little bump but if you take like 15 it feels like a percocet and i was like are you

allowed to describe this this way because like you won't even let me call it a bong here i have to call it he's like nah it's straight man it's just legal dude it's fine He's like, nah, it's straight, man. It's just legal, dude. It's fine. He's like, it comes from like Bali or something. And it's like all natural. And I was like, oh, okay, sold. Because at the time I was like trying to quit doing opiates. And I came home and I like ate like 10 of them and didn't feel anything. And I ate another 10 and all 20 hit at the same time.

And I was fucking obliterated, dude. And I was like on my phone Googling, like, this stuff. Like, I should have Googled it before I ate 20 of the fucking capsules. I was Googling and it's like, a lot of kratom is doctored with illegal synthetic opiates made in Southeast Asia. Some of these include, like include all these poisonous things that have like, if you have even a gram of it, your liver just fails.

So I'm on the couch and I'm like, well, I hope it's good. I hope I get some of the clean stuff. It's like, the article I'm reading is like, it is not an insignificant amount of kratom that is tainted with illegal opiate research or analogs.

I repeat, if you're reading this now and your name is Jake Rhodes and you're thinking, maybe I got something good. You probably brought it from a head shop that's fully staffed by pedophiles. And you definitely I don't I don't obviously I didn't get it tested because I'm not that responsible. But I do remember feeling like this doesn't feel all natural. This feels like the real deal Holyfield. I've had some Kratom that just straight up sucks, and I'm assuming that's the actual natural stuff. I've also had some Kratom that put me on my ass.

I'm assuming that's the sort of fake bake type shit they have. Only God knows. I'll stick to the Earl Grey. Thank you very much i stick to the fucking tea big dog because i spill it and i drink it and i sip it and i think i serve it i serve it i'm serving cunt right now dude serving cunt dude i was dude we were serving pussy on this tour i had my little pussy we really put our whole pussy we really put our whole pussy and butthole area into this show. Never mind.

I don't know. It doesn't matter. I was going to like the Texas Batman Gardener thing, just being like, it doesn't matter. Eh, well. What are you having for dinner? I'm probably not going to have dinner. I don't feel very good.

My body's pretty mad at me for the last couple weeks. I didn't do any drugs or anything. Eat a little chicken or something. A little chicken and rice. I don't have any groceries either. Oh my goodness. I had some old pizza today. I've got to clean the fridge out.

I actually have to do something. Bless your heart. Yeah, you know, life is hard when you're a fucking boss hog lifestyle rock star. And a lot of people, you know, they envy us, but they really should pity us. Because it's hard out here for a pimp when you're trying to get this money for the rent. And the Cadillac and gas money spent got a whole lot of bitches jumping shit. And people don't understand that. And it's difficult for podcasters.

It's difficult for guys like you. It is. And people don't understand that, and it's difficult for podcasters. It's difficult for guys like you. It is. Anyway, if you're listening and you'd like to give me a new car. Yeah, Thomas' motor's blown and this car's stuck. By the way, we didn't clear that up.

Are you going to go get it, or what the fuck? It seems like... I can't just go drive it back, obviously. Right. But I do have to go at least get my stuff out of it. I know some mechanic shops, they don't offer you a lot because I know you're kind of rocking a hard place, but some places will pay you the scrap for it. Well, I want to see if my insurance will declare it totaled.

Oh, okay. That would be a pretty good idea. I don't pay for the thing that gives you, like where your insurance gives you a loaner. Oh, the full coverage, full access coverage, whatever the fuck. I'm pretty sure I absolutely do not have that. Right, yeah. But you are thinking about trying to see if you can, I mean, I feel like whatever you'd make for it on scrap, you'd fucking spend getting a wrecker from Fort Worth to go out there. You know what I'm saying?

Right. Yeah. And I'm also hesitant to take their word for it that it's totaled. Oh, I see what you're saying. You think the motor might not be blown? I have no idea. I just don't trust those podunkers. Mechanics are by nature untrustworthy.

If you're a mechanic out there. I have a mechanic here that I do trust. And if I had taken it there and they told me it was totaled, I'd be like, yeah. I mean, that's fine. I believe you. Right. But, yeah. I don't know.

I mean, if the market wasn't so fucked right now, I wouldn't be like that, you know. Well, I mean, you might be able to scrap it for quite a bit. People turn those matrixes, whatever the fuck, into like, you know, Forza 2 cars, you know. I mean, fucking door panel or whatever the fuck. But that's a pain in the ass. Because, like, if it was, like, truly totaled in Fort Worth, you'd probably have at least $1,000 on your hands in scrap. When I scrapped my... Oh, yeah. I mean, just for the catalytic converter and stuff.

Yeah, when I scrapped my Crown Vic, crown well I sold it to a Lithuanian guy who fucking scrapped it I made like a grand and it like was not you could not drive that car I mean you could but the engine would overheat because the radiator leak was so bad and I didn't fucking basically every time I took it to get it fixed something new would break on it

and I was like I don't give a fuck no more about this shit but yeah you know in this life sometimes your car breaks down uh and you gotta sometimes your other vehicle needs a rebuilt transmission i heard when i asked you i was like so what's up with the truck and you gave me like a like a list of ailments that like a victorian child died from so i got under there today to drop the transmission pan yeah and i found like four blown gaskets that i didn't know about to add to the list um like the main it's hard to explain because i don't really know what some of this stuff is called yeah it's just like you see it and you're like, well, that's not supposed to be like that. Right, right, right.

It wasn't like that a few weeks ago. Do you think that, guys? Go ahead. Go ahead. So anyway, I got off early, so I spent pretty much the whole afternoon working on dropping the transmission pan because it's got a lot of bolts in it. Yeah. And I got to the last bolt, and it's like wedged in this tiny little corner. Yeah.

And I'd been unscrewing it by hand for like 45 minutes, little by little. Yeah. And then I called to get an update on the matrix and they're like oh you don't have that anymore and i was like you know what i'm gonna leave that bolt there for now go take a shower you know give a fuck what is happening under this transmission pan is no longer my business dude that guy you reminded me that fucking guy that tried to drive us to white i mean he did get us to white oak but that that fucking Uber driver in that Volkswagen CC. That man was a champion.

Dude, that guy was... I don't know if he was just fucked up out of his gourd and trying to hide it. Like, you know, you get a little too stoned before you get behind the wheel, and you're like... I like that he let Alex ride in the front seat. Yeah. Also, he was playing, like...

Was it Thug the whole time? He was playing, like, was it Thug the whole time? He was playing, like, Lil Baby, Thug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Respect. Respect. So, to give the listeners an idea, this is a Volkswagen CC. And those are, like, they're not sports cars. It's, like, luxury.

It's, like, one of Volkswagen's higher-end models. It's a nice car. If you don't know what a volkswagen cc is and uh we're going to the venue and we're trying to flip a bitch out of this little um little turnaround that takes us on spits us out on the 610 loop and uh the guy gets around the corner and realizes that the fucking side of the road's flooded from the storm before and he doesn't think he can make it i think he probably could have been fine, but he didn't want to risk it.

I get it. So instead of reversing from whence he came, he goes into this green, muddy, fucking grassy, ditchy bush area that's like a median between each side of the U-turn, and gets up there, and he's skidding a little bit. I thought we were going to get stuck for a second. And he's like, yeah, I can't make it through here either. So instead of going back how we got up there,

he just hops a curb and scrapes the whole undercarriage. Dude, it was loud. Like, goo-goo, goo-goo. And I was like, well, his car's probably good. There's just, you know, it's fine or whatever. Volkswagens are notoriously sturdy vehicles, especially these nicer ones. And then at Cherry on top is he took the, he drove down that on-ramp.

And I was just like in the backseat with you. And Thomas texted me. He's like, five stars. It's just like sitting back there. I was having the ride of my life. I was like, man, I want to ride in this backseat all night and see what else this guy does. I love the Ubers where you're like, I don't think I'm going to die. But this guy is going to die.

Yeah, but there's more of a usual chance that I'm not going to get out of this car, which always adds a little bit of excitement to the day. Anyway, if you're from Chapo, thanks for listening. We do one of these every week, and then we do Primos. The episodes that are on Patreon are when I used to upload the freebies to Patreon. Because I was stupid, and I thought that podcast apps weren't free. So I thought I was doing everyone a favor. Really, I was just fucking up our analytics numbers.

So I do need to remove those at some point. We also do video apps once a month that'll be probably coming uh uh first weekend april for march and then also april uh thanks again everyone that came out if you found this and you're listening to this now uh bye