Pendejo Time - pussy store

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

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Have you ever been to the pussy store? Girl, I wanna take you to the pussy store. I wanna get it. Your shit's got too much mileage on it. I want to get work done on it. My baby saw me window shopping at the pussy store. And she said, you can't get no new pussy. I'm the pussy for you.

You can't have no new pussy. It's mine for you. I can't find no new pussy out at the mall. Wondering where they put it all. Pussy Black Friday sale. Does that mean the pussy is cheap to buy? Or does it mean that the pussy is really dry? I'm at the airport trying to buy pussy at any end.

I go to the pretzel stand. I talk into the pretzel man. I ask him to put some pussy in my hand. And he tells me, I'm'm gonna call the police at you because i don't sell no snatch and then i pull out my penis right out of my tight leather pants just drop a pandeo time mixtape that's's like all these songs are like, you don't, it is bordering on schizophrenia, but also it's like a guy goes up to the pretzel stand at like LaGuardia and he's like, Hey, uh, so like, I know New York, it's like a human trafficking hub.

So I know you got the good pussy back there. And the guy's like, I don't, I sell, we sell pretzels. We don't sell people. And you're like, I know that if I walk back in there in that cooler or in the dry storage, you're going to have some pussy for me. It's like a moonshine operation. Yeah. Brewing up some pussy back in the woods there. Yeah.

Dude, I've already talked about this but i we always we joke about like poonshine hey hold on you might have just struck gold i was about to say me and you we joke about what we would we make a little bit more money i would love to to get into making shine but a name poonshine and we marketed it as like you know what i'm saying like we market it like like as a like a fruity girly drink but dude like a like something a sorority girl would drink before she went out and you know like oh my god i had so much freaking poonshine last night oh my god like like you know it's like i almost crashed my fucking Mercedes. I almost disappeared and was never saw again

because I had so much poonshine. That sounds like something like one of our uncles would... Exactly. Or you're drinking some Jack Daniels, that fucking poonshine. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, oh, you bring vodka to the to thanksgiving and it was that poonshine oh man dude boy i'll tell you what i'll tell you you'd be drinking what

yeah no so we get a little bit more cheese we start i'll buy a still i'll run it out of the apartment yeah they're like not in my house where there's a backyard yeah right a big room to bury it underground or whatever and we'll run you know a four or five thousand dollar hundred gallon still we got to get into human trafficking that's where the money is i've been watching on the news it's a huge industry. You think podcasting is big. You should try selling women. Children too. To Sudanese pirates or whatever.

Sudanese? Sudanese? Sudanese? Oh, yeah. Oh, the Sudan expert is here. Sudanese phantom. And he's like, I'm going with Professor Africa here. Sudanese is here. Sudan Phantom. And he's like, I'm going to... Professor Africa here. Sudan Phantom. I'm not going to run that one out.

Nobody really remembers that cartoon. Sudan Davido. But he doesn't have any really well-known phrases to do an African voice in. The only thing I can... I can't think... He said it's always sunny, but he's... Yeah, Sudanese penguin. Batman. Batman.

I don't even know what he would say. I'm fucking retarded. Nigerian Joker. Would you like to know how I got all of these scars all over my face? Seal, where's he from? I think he's from the United States.

Guess carefully. I think he's from the United States. Fuck. I think he's legitimately from Maryland or something. That's not good. My name is Seal. I love to sing the different songs.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose. I am gay. Mexican Seal. Mexican Seal. Mexican Seal.

I don't even know any of his other songs. I was, you know, growing up, I only, I saw a couple pictures of Seal, you know, like on the news or whatever throughout my childhood. And I always assumed he was like a celebrity hitman or something. Yeah. Just because of the fucking scars.

He just has that disease where it like, your skin, like your immune system, like attacks your skin or whatever. I don't know what the fuck. It usually doesn't look badass probably probably but it worked out for him there was a did you ever watch sons of anarchy no okay well they lived it no tons of anarchy and it's just because you're fat why would you know you say things to me like that like it's not gonna hurt my feelings you're not fat dude we both yeah for for you'd be more like tons of pan cakey because you love there you go tons of anarchy already worked and you're like i don't like tons of pan cakey that'll'll be a... Dude, everyone at home is laughing right now.

Everyone in their car. Yeah. They're like, wow, Jake, tons of pancakey. Thomas got his ass. Coming with the funk flex horns on that one. Yeah. The fucking Irish dude from Sons of Anarchy. So he got...

He's got these scars. He's actually got legit Joker, I guess, scars or whatever. They run up the corners of his mouth. And they're real. I thought it was just part of the show. Dude, I can hear you breathing. Are you okay, bro? Yeah, dude.

I breathe every day. Okay. He's got the, like, it's fine. You don't have to be self-conscious about no it's fine i'm gonna worry about it for the rest of my life are you really hey thomas how about you quit fucking breathing how about that you know you say things to me like it's just rolls right off my giant shoulders my giant veiny boulder shoulders shoulders dude there's one thing scolders so the guy it doesn't fucking matter he got jumped in fucking glasgow and he got a glasgow smile where they fucking cut the corners of your mouth and they punch you and the scar tissue like tears

the your cheek muscle so when you heal it goes all the way up and the only reason the only parts that he gets in fucking movies are like you know like those types of things he's like he plays the joker he plays the joker he plays the joker on sons of anarchy yeah that's a really yeah tons of whatever motherfucker maybe he's riding a motorcycle yeah his dad is anarchy right right this is a good one this is a really really really really really really good we didn't burn out on the first one yeah yeah well what do you mean first one we're not girl i want to love you till the sun comes up and show you the world. Gonna grab my paper, gonna punch her right,

gonna drown her in the tub tonight. I'll kill you soon. Would you kill a woman? Only in self-defense. Did I ever tell you that my ex-girlfriend would like...

I think maybe I told you she would give me uh like she would ask me like babe like you know would you ever like like just to start fights she's very weird she'd be like would you ever like you know what if i like punched you like would you i was like no i wouldn't hit you you know and she was like well what if i like tried to choke you it's like i would just like go away from you you know and she was like well what if i like tried to choke you it's like i would just like go away from you or whatever and she was like what if i had a knife and i'm like i would just run away from you and she would increase these things until one day i was just tired of this fucking game she was like well what if i was like you know i had like a chainsaw or something and i was just like chasing you around the house. And I was like, I would kick you in your fucking head and I would knock you out.

And she didn't talk to me for two days. That's what she, I mean, you know, I, I don't, it's part of the game. No,

I know. Like there are questions. Sometimes you get asked as a man by your significant other. You're like, there is no right answer to this. It's like, did you go to work today? Have you showered this week?

Where is my car? Did you pay rent? What did you do with my money? Where is my family? Where is my dog? It's like, shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch.

I don't got time. Shut up. I'm a busy man. Shut up, bitch. Shut up. Beep. Yeah. I wouldn't say that.

You wouldn't say stuff like that. But I'm a beep. I can't. I can't keep that. You can't what? What do you mean, Jake? What are you implying here? Perhaps we dig deeper into Jake's psyche.

Have you ever? What if I was a ghost and sounded like that? If you're a ghost, I'd probably freak out every time I saw you. Yeah, because I'm so handsome. I'm the Patrick Swayze ghost from Ghost. Have you ever seen that movie it's just called ghosts yeah he plays like it'd be called patrick swayze ghosts so people know who's in it you know very good man you know what i'm saying yeah you feel me player yeah i feel you i fuck with you heavy on that dude jake's been

fucking with me heavy lately he's been heavily fucking with me i've been so thomas was asleep last night and uh i was like i went up to him you know brushed his hair and well he didn't do a very good job what time did you take a shower this morning? Probably like around 6. That is very funny. Ashley was like, did you hear Thomas took a shower? And I was like, what? No, I didn't. I just thought he didn't.

She was like, yeah, like 6 in the morning. And like you said, like when you woke up or whatever, it's like, yeah, on the weekends, like I don't really get up unless I'm going to the gym until like 10. Well, I wanted to get it knocked out early because i didn't want y'all to be out of hot water i didn't know if y'all shower in the morning uh no i usually like i showered before you got here like i usually shower in the evenings i do i usually shower in the evenings but i fell asleep last night before i could take a shower yeah you were fucking out dude i i was like you want a burger yeah and you were like did you already make me something. I was like, do you want a burger?

Yeah, and you were like, did you already make me something? And I was like, no. And you were like, I'm good. I thought in that moment. That I had made you like a whole plate or something? No, I thought I meant to ask you if you were already planning on, like if you'd already made the patties or whatever yeah and and then i thought you told me that you weren't planning on making one for me and i was like well that's that's fine in this moment no i'll have dinner tomorrow no i ate like a caniac combo on the way

here that's badass which is hard to eat while you're driving if you're that dedicated to getting the sauce on there. Dude, you just, that is so true. And I'm not even fucking with you. I have eaten canes, like, when I drive to Houston, and I put the fucking chicken, I put it, like, on the center console. I crack the sauce, put it in the cup holder, and I will fucking eat that shit. But you have to be on your P's and fucking Q's. Because if you fuck the game up, chicken goes flying, french fries. I put it in my passenger seat.

That's not a bad one. I got trash in there now. And then I get, when I'm driving, I knock all the tenders out first. Okay. Because... I go fries than tenders, but I understand. Because if I do, as you said, fuck the whole game up, and I've only had a few fries and, like, the toast, I'm going to be pissed. Oh, yeah, if you lose your tenders, good call.

So I get the tenders out of the way so that it's easy to navigate with the fries. Right. When I finish up one of the, I always get extra sauce. Okay, yes, sir. So whenever I finish one, I stack it so I don't go reaching for an empty sauce. I sub coleslaw for an extra sauce, get an extra toast. Yeah, same. it so i don't go reaching for an empty sauce i sub coleslaw for an extra sauce get an extra toast yeah yeah same um and then i'll like eat most of it and then for the fries i don't like to dip it and then like bring it all the way across because i'm dripping right you know i hate dripping yeah

well you do be dripping though i do be dripping but you hate but i don't be slipping when i come to that sauce so i'll put the whole i'll put the damn box in my lap and finish off the fries real quick yeah and then it's game over for that dude the rest of the drive after like i i prefer if i'm doing a long one to like so when i get into the i'll hit the katie buckies it's the buckies and katie because i just said that yeah Yeah. On the way to Houston, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And,

but if I like, I have in plenty of times, I'm like, I'm going to get a fucking Caniac combo like 15 minutes from my house. And then that three hour drive is dog shit.

Because all I want to do is park the car and just like, you know, it's just fucking ridiculous. is dog shit. Because all I want to do is park the car and just like... You know. It's just fucking ridiculous. It's fucking stupid. So I've like resorted.

But every time I go to a Buc-ee's, dude, I love all the food there. I like love the little cold sandwiches. I love the fucking boudin. I love the brisket. I love the fucking turkey leg. Like I go in there and I'm like, fuck, I'm a fat motherfucker. Yeah, it's not like cheap though it's not you can go in there and

easily spend 30 40 on like a road trip lunch you know yeah like by yourself like the brisket sandwiches even or like yeah they're like eight or nine bucks or some shit which i guess isn't nuts it's just like drink it's convenience because i like, you don't want to be stopping a lot after Buc-ee's. It's like... Buc-ee's is like, you're going home after. You're going straight to the fucking house. Yeah. This time, whenever I drove here, I didn't stop until I got to Temple.

Yeah, I forgot that's in between. But I... Dude, it was fucking with me, because on my maps, you know it tells you like your estimated time of arrival yeah i drove like an hour and 15 minutes and every like minute that i went it would just add another minute to my arrival time because of the traffic yeah start there there was a the guy that i bought coke well one of the guys I bought coke from when I was in college, he was one of the more reliable, as reliable as a cocaine dealer can be. He was like 33, 34 years old, and he was like a freshman or a sophomore or whatever. Which, hey, you know what?

I'm not putting a timeline on anyone wanting to get their degree, but this motherfucker was there to party. Which, like, it made it very funny because he was always at our house parties and stuff and he was you know we're like 19 or 20 and he's like in his mid early to mid 30s and he's like hey hey play that play that new thug play that thugger like i'd be have the ox or whatever and i'm like all right man you know and then like i would like later on the evening if i had a little time to myself and i'd done too much blow i was like dude i have like a fucking dad like in my house but anyway there was one time where he was like hey man you want to make like a thousand bucks and i'm like yeah and he was like would you drive an ounce of cocaine to Texas Tech and sell it? Like, would you sell it with me?

Like, would you want to go to Lubbock and sell an ounce of coke at the – like the football game and the tailgates and the frat parties after or whatever? And he was like, I've been doing it solo but like you know i i want to just knock it out and come back to austin and i was like um wait it's like you want me to like get in a car with you drive so many hours texas tech and you want to go to a football game and then you want to hang out in the parking lot before and you want to sell eight balls to like frat dudes and he's like yeah it's good money it's good time they give you free beer and free hot dogs and shit and again i'm like all right in my mind i'm like this could probably

this is this could go off without a hitch and i could have one of the best in terms of partying like one of the fucking wildest weekends i could ever have or i could go to fucking prison like for a minute yeah like and so like he's like hey like sit on it you know whatever and and he but he was like kind of pushy about it and i was like the i think the only reason i like ended up turning down the deal was because he's like – he looks like a cop. He looked like a cop. He was balding, had a little pooch belly, but was also kind of like – he worked out. So I can't – apparently he had told me he had done this before. But I was like, all right, if I'm at a frat house and I'm like 20 years old and this guy walks up and he's like, do you want an eight ball?

I'm going to be like, no thanks, officer. So I end up turning him down. But it was like – also it was like he propositioned me originally over like we were doing blow to like four in the morning. He's like, hey, I got an idea. We put a fucking ounce a yak under the transmission of my truck and we just fucking go we just go to lubbock we just ride it's me and you me and you alone into the sun and into the beautiful city of lubbock texas right next to super eight yeah have you ever been to that part of the world?

The Panhandle? Well, Lubbock area. Yeah, I got family up there. Yeah, it's something else, dude. It is. Dude, that's one area where you drive into the desert and you're like, nothing permanent was supposed to be built here. Even the Plains Indians knew that they had to pack up and leave every once in a while. Like, even the Plains Indians knew that they had to pack up and leave every once in a while.

I know that the story was that they, like, were hunting buffalo, but I think you sit in one place there for, like, 30 minutes and you're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I feel that way about Lubbock area, and I feel that way about, like, Odessa, Midland. Yeah, it's like, if there wasn't money out there there would be nobody dude if there wasn't if there wasn't like an ocean of oil under those three cities because those oil guys they don't like go out there to work and they're not like dude i could be here for a while i know like people move to austin for a job and they're like i can stick yeah i can settle down here you do not settle down in odessa no unless you die in odessa or you just get in some weird custody battle or something yeah stay out there which is probably why half of odessa lives there yeah well that uh um

that video it was really tragic of like uh that guy that was like rummaging through like he was like grabbing a mattress from somebody from some trash on the side of the road and these two podunk ass fucking like father and son fatter than fuck like came out with shotguns and a fucking like ar or something and they were like you better back up buddy you know and the guy's like i'm like over here just seeing this checking out this stuff and y'all are gonna i forget the exact scenario but i think he was looking at like a chair or a mattress or something and uh he was like you're gonna pull a fucking gun on me in front of my fucking kids like fuck you and they were like you better step back and he like literally just walked forward to be like what the fuck and they just blew him the fuck away killed him in front of his wife and kids and uh like i sent that video to, like, main chat or whatever.

And my friend John, who, like, is a park ranger over there, he was like, dude, that's right by my work. And I was like, wait, what? He was like, dude, this is, like, in Abilene, like, right outside Abilene. And I was like, wait. He was like, dude, I drive by this, like, almost every day. He was like, dude, people who live out there live out there they're like they don't know who like the president is like they're they're kind of people like people in vider it's a different part of the state but like people in vider and orange texas like heading east towards louisiana

like there are people out there i'm not trying to make them seem feral or like exaggerating that way no i've got family out in orange i know yeah exactly you know i'm talking about they're like they they legit they have like a rabbit ear tv like i when i used to go out to jacksonville out to that area in like jasper county or whatever and like craft texas which is like a little municipality maybe less than like seven eight hundred people motherfuckers this is where my dad's family's from motherfuckers out there legitimately are just like you know you meet we would go to family reunions and you know they're like he like hey did you hear about x or y and they're like huh who the fuck is george bush yeah like they're smoking on some of that happy grass again i don't know what the fuck they're

conservative but they don't know who george yeah like they're like anything after like jimmy carter yeah they're like that jimmy carter's a real piece of shit i don't like him if yeah like they're like like anything after like Jimmy Carter yeah they're like that Jimmy Carter is a real piece of shit I don't like him if he gets reelected I'm fucking I'm going to fucking

Canada what year do you think it is man it's gotta be some late 90s early to y'all hear about 9-11

I just my dad I didn't know the other day god damn when we would go out we would go out there to visit his aunt uh she she had us a bunch of land and and lives out there in the country in jacksonville or in craft and uh we would be the first time he took me out there he was like man bring it back memory and i'm like you know what would you do out here when he was like man bring it back memory and i'm like you know what would you do out here when he's like

well there's a palm back arrow i'll show you too in a little bit he's like you see that trailer over there yawning distance and i'm like yeah he's like great uncle lives out there it's like a fucking decaying like the front half of it's missing like i didn't think any i saw it initially like a place you would hide if there were like zombies yeah yeah it's like the like the front half of the trailer is like falling off or whatever and he's like great uncle lives out there and i'm like your uncle my like a guy i'm blood related to lives five six hundred yards out there in that trailer and he's like yep i'm like oh well like we're gonna go meet him and he's like and and i'd be like you know he's like well i mean you know he's been you know drinking fucking grain alcohol for like 50 years and he don't much like get out of

that trailer or whatever and i'm like so you haven't seen your he's like i haven't seen that motherfucker in 25 30 years i guess at the time i was probably like 45 or 46 and i'm like all right like in my head i'm a teenager about like 14 or 15 and i'm like if i might if my uncle was like 500 yards i guess out that way you know i like, well, at least I'll go say, Hey, but I mean, the way that he spun it was just like, you don't want to meet him. And I'm like, Oh, is he like mean? It's like, nah, he's just kind of like, just his brain. Don't he's drank himself to the point where he's like, and then after like, he would,

he would say shit like that. Like he would point, like there was a couple couple trailers on the land, and it was, like, his cousin or his great uncle or his uncle or, like, you know, some family friend. And they just lived out on this land that they all had little acres of that belonged to, like, my dad's dad who died and gave it to all the, I guess, family or whatever. And then he sold his land but anyway he's like i'm gonna show you something so he would you know point all these trailers blah blah and we would go out into the woods he was like you know catfish eat dog food i was like what he's like hey fucking love it this is the first time i'd ever like known about this he was like he's like check this out so

he went over to like a wagon like a rusted wagon that had a big burlap sack full of like fucking like you know uh dog like just generic dog food and he would like throw it in like at and these big fucking catfish dude would just like go up and he was like you know you get a couple poles out here we'll get dinner i'm like hold on are you feeding dog food like i didn't know i had no idea apparently that's really common at that point i did not know yeah i don't know much about catfish but they will eat anything well i mean i know so dog food to them is like a delicacy it's like a nice it's like a steak yeah like sirloin like they'll eat fucking like old cans and shit. Like bones.

Yeah, like slugs and shit. They don't give a fuck. But it was just funny to me to like, I guess just like him growing up out there and like all of their family, like that part of the family at least, they're all drunks, but they're not drunks in a way that's like, oh yeah, Jimmy comes to Thanksgiving and he gets too rowdy. in a way that's like oh yeah jimmy comes to thanksgiving and he gets too rowdy they're drunks and it's like like a that movie deliverance type like dang dang dang like they live out in the fucking like woods of east texas like the swamp and they just sit in a trailer and drink fucking everclear every day until something in their body that's important just ceases to work

and then they die out there and it's like i mean we can go say hey you know we can go say what's up we can go maybe find his body yeah literally yeah you know that that type of stuff is just you know it's good that's a dream really you know that's what we're striving towards yeah you know i've always wanted to go noodling dude that shit looks sick i've always wanted to do that shit but i think just because like the tv shows make it look i imagine like that shit has to fucking hurt because some of those motherfucking they've got teeth on them. I thought... Yeah, they have teeth, but it's like their bite strength.

It's not insane, but it's like if they're big enough, they can crack your fucking arm. Yeah, but it's part of the fun. I guess so. But I remember... If you get killed doing it, you're a huge pussy. You got killed by a fish that's sold at Cracker Barrel. Yeah. I was going to say, there was one of those shows I was watching.

Dude, it might have been Wild Boys. I think it was. When they did the Louisiana episode and Steve-O drank that whole mason jar full of dip spit that had been sitting out in the sun for like three months or whatever. Anyway, they were like

hanging out with some noodlers or whatever and Steve-O was like, so I just stick my arm in there or maybe Chris, I don't remember, but the guy was likeve i was like so i just stick my arm in there or maybe crisp i don't remember but the guy was like now if it's an alligator snapping turtle what lives in that log it ain't i mean you're just gonna have to kind of feel around for that and the camera guy was like alligator snapping turtle he was like like a turtle he's like it's like a turtle but it's like it ain't the kind of turtle the guy didn't know what he was talking about or whatever he's like, it's like a turtle, but it's like, it ain't the kind of turtle. The guy didn't know what he was talking about or whatever.

He's like, I mean, it'll take your whole arm off. Those motherfuckers will just, and it'll just, your arm will be off your body. Those are so sick. Dude, I think they're so fucking, they look like Bowser. They look like actual dinosaurs. Yeah, people are always like, alligators are dinosaurs. I'm like, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, shut the fuck up.

You know, I hope you fucking get it. You know, they really used to look like birds. Well, you look like a bitch right now. You look like a stupid fucking... You want to think about a T-Rex that has feathers, you fucking pussy. Have you ever fucking been to hell? Because I'll take you, dude. Yeah, I will fucking kill you for questioning how a Tyrannosaurus Rex looks.

Yeah, oh, velociraptors weren't ten feet tall. Suck dick to hell. Oh, you call it an allosaurus and not a stegosaurus. How about you suck my fucking dick? How about you suck my fucking sack, dude? You fucking... How about I fucking beat your head? How about I show you my penis and cut your dick off?

How about I fuck you out? How about I beast you out like a creature? You want to get fucked into death? You want to get fucking turned out like a doorknob in front of everybody at Golden Corral? I will eat you in. I will fuck you over the chocolate fondue fountain at Golden Corral. I will make you look like a strawberry pie with an inside out. I will put a wig on you and make you my wife.

I will kiss you. I will kiss you i will kiss dude that fucking uh kevin gates interview where he's talking about rihanna and like he was like i ain't even really all that tone up about her body she's got a big old forehead like just and he was like he's like you acted crazy with me in my house i kiss you on your fucking forehead who the fuck you think you're talking about he's so funny dude like he he's he's just you know you know what he's you know what he has he has a wallet is this a premium no this is a freebie oh we do the yeah free ones on uh yeah yeah we're doing this on a Wednesday. Correct. At least tomorrow on a Thursday. Of course.

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Get one for your fucking dog. Your dog needs a wallet. Brought to you by the ridge wallet all right so we um i got a pee pee i got a penis and i see you my pants i got the big old penis and it's in my pants I'd like to take my penis out of my pants and then I use it to pee all over the wall

they won't let me into Target no more because I pull down my pants and I show off my penis I'm throwing my penis to the girls

at the door and they hate me the wheels on my penis go fucking So when I was She doesn't listen to the show.

It doesn't matter. When I was like I guess I was like six or seven. I was like first, second grade. Yeah, don't be afraid to tell me. My mom was, she was taking me to work. She was taking me to work. Taking me to school. She was, you know, I was like, yeah. She was taking me down to the mine. I was a child. She was taking me to work. She was taking me to work. Taking me to school. She was, you know, I was like, yeah. She was taking me down to the mine. I was a child slave.

She was taking me to school and, and fucking, for some reason I was like humming wheels on the bus. This was so fucking funny to me. And like, we talk about this story to this day. But she was like, I don't know where she just goes. The retards on the bus go. Like, this is my mom, dude. She's also maybe like 20, 21 years old or something, 22. And just hit mine.

I found it. Okay. And then she stops herself. And dude, I think she's laughing so hard. And she's like, that was not sweet. That was not funny. Please don't repeat that to your friends at school and i was like i'm like laughing and i'm like okay mom i got to school and i had the whole squad going ape shit second or third grade okay with retards on the bus going

and uh i every time i tell my mom like i talked to my mom about this she's like she's like you didn't tell anybody about this did you and i'm like no i'm like no no she was like i was young and i'm sorry and i'm like mom like no one you know no one's going to fucking cancel you. Yeah, you're going to get fired. But, you know, stuff like that, it just happens to you.

It happens. Life happens fast. You know, life is a highway and I'm gonna ride dick all night long. If you come on my face,

dick me down. I'm gonna like it all night long. Cause we're living with a bunch of dudes dicking them down and they all will drink my pee

deep and long they're inside me that's the Bee Gees yeah yeah of course more than a woman more than a woman to me

this is the same song This is the same song, yeah. This is the same song, yeah. Well, you can't tell by the way I suck my cunt. I'm a woman's man. No time for pussy. Dude, the... Fuck. no time for pussy dude the uh um oh fuck fuck no it doesn't fucking matter yeah that song is a good song i don't understand dude cocaine must have been so powerful back then for like cocaine turned those guys american for like 10 years are they not

they're british uh you can tell in a few of their songs yeah yeah no good point i guess i was gonna say like who's that rapper right now that has the little the bj's the bout with the bj's the gibbs brothers the gibbs who's that rapper now that does the baby voice? I know who you're talking about. AR. AR, yeah. What I'm saying, like. 4'15". Like, do you know how good the drugs had to be for those guys to be, like, Grammy award winning? Like, the Bee Gees were basically doing the same thing, but disco. And they were white.

So, it's like. And obviously, that guy's career is like. It's a big. It's a joke. Like, he has these hard ass trap beats. And he's like. 6'45 AR. That's his joke. He has these hard-ass trap beats, and he's like... 645 AR, that's his name. Yeah.

How, like, to be in a disco and you hear, like... You know, like, you had to be tooting on some... Dude, you gotta... Who's my penis? I'm a gay guy. And I'm living it up. Not so bad, man. Dude, you gotta... That's not bad, man. Not too bad. Not too bad. No warm up either.

Yeah. And I'm slouching. The beep G's? Hmm? No? Never mind. Yeah, I want to beat you right now. Freaking blowjob.

I told you the... I definitely told you about my friend who thought a Bl. Freaking blowjob. I told you that. I definitely told you about my friend who thought a blumpkin meant blowjob, right? A blumpkin? Yeah. He thought it meant. The fuck is that? It's where you get your dick sucked while you're taking a shit. You say that like that's a thing that happens.

It is. I know that term. So. I would not. I wouldn't. I don't think I could allow that situation to happen. I agree with you. But it's like one of those urban dictionary sex terms where I imagine it doesn't happen that often, but it's like Mexican hot pocket. Do I have enough range to piss while I'm holding this thing up?

I have no idea. Let's see. Let's take it out. Thomas, give me a little something. All right. Usually I would just set the mic down, but I don't want to make that annoying You know

Effect on there where you know you got the mic Hitting the ground it's just a hassle I'm going to hear the sound of your piss In the cans for sure Well let me close the door so that It doesn't matter it's in the cans I hear your belt buckle undoing Influential groups of that time.

It's so clear, dude. It's clear as a fucking bell. It sounds like you're pissing into the fucking microphone, dude. Let's see if he washes... And there's really no denying that. No, there's no. That was clear as fucking crystal, man. Do we get a handle?

I mean, they were probably up there with, like... I mean, you have to imagine what, like, Nile Rodgers was on at that time. Oh, I mean, dude, that's the golden age of, like, Pablo Escobar. I can't actually hear you. I'm just sort of talking to myself, which is kind of a nice vibe. That's okay.

A lot of times when the Zoom fucks up, we do that anyway. Let me wash my hands real quick. Yeah. Yeah. This is like roommate ASMR. I want to suck you like... Alright. I think Thomas is coming back. Don't scare Jake. He doesn't even know I'm around the corner.

Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie. Anyway. Living in a... On a night zone, right way. You know what a Blumpkin is now. I know now. You said it was like a... You get your blowjob. You said that like... Yeah, you know what a wheelbarrow is now i know now you said it was like a you get your blood that like yeah you know what a wheelbarrow is right well it's like uh it's just like one of

them urban like mexican hot pockets where you shit in a fold-out mattress and float it up fold it up like cleveland steamer shit in somebody's chest anyway so we were like all roommates in school and uh we're like partying or whatever. And, um, our friend Sam, he's like, he talks like a SoCal, like surfer guy. And he's like, yeah,

bro. So like, I went to like this, like UT girls, like a formal or whatever. And, uh, she's on her period after we got back and like,

didn't want to fuck, but she, uh, she like gave me Blumpkins all night and me my friend frank were like she gave you what dude and he was like yeah bro she like sucked my dick like dude probably like like just just well i like at one point couldn't nut anymore you know just total fucking just crazy and i was like hold on man did you just say she gave you blumpkins all night and he was like yeah like you know what a plumpkin is and i was like do you know do you know what

that is and he was like yeah it's like like blow job like getting your dick sucked and i was like that's half of it do you have like dysentery yeah it's like do you know the other very important half of that term he's like i don't know the other very important half of that term? He was like, I don't know what. And my friend's dying. And I was like, dude, a Blumpkin is when a girl sucks your dick while you're taking a shit. And he was like, no, that's not. People don't.

That's not true. Yeah, he was like, people don't do that. Plus, you're just making shit up. And I was like, get your fucking phone out right now. And I was like, Google Bl phone out right now here and i was like google blumpkin urban dictionary he was like okay i don't understand why you're fucking why everything's so funny because our other friend like he still can't he's laughing where you're not making any noise it's just like his mouth is open and his eyes are he's crying he's like literally like he's waving us off like stop like and he like pulls his phone out and he was like oh you're right or whatever and i was like sam how long have you like been say like

he wasn't even in bro i could go for a blumpkin right now i was like how long have you been using these two terms interchangeably like blumpkin blowjob and he was like i've been like i just kind of like say it so like we were the first people to ever correct him he like in high school we were sophomores in college at this point so i guess freshman year like he's just telling stores people at the bar and he's like yeah dude my girlfriend best blumpkins like and people are like you know just sipping their beer like yeah i mean all right a blowjob is also a really funny thing to like brag about well i mean when you're 18 or whatever it's like i thought this was like 22 or no no we were we were like new like bro i got the fucking sickest hand job this weekend yeah it's like 17 18 it's like you know it's like like it's like oh she said

dick good or whatever it's like best plumpkins around it's like all right man like you you know whatever like you don't you're talking like a woman you like love and you're yeah you're baby straight up you give me the best plumpkins i've had my whole life dude it's very funny to me to like get that wrong and i still like i still get like we tell the story with him around all the fucking time but to go so long and to be like 18 19 years old and to cop to being like yeah i've been using that term since i was like i first started like i thought the term dog out just meant you were like fucking like hard for a long time at ashley didn't know what bussy meant she just thought it was another term for like pussy and uh she said i forget like what context it was but she i was like babe what do you think bussy means she was like it's just like another term for like a pussy right like

like cooter and i was like no it means like boy like it's like an asshole it's like, it's just like another term for like a pussy, right? Like, like cooter. And I was like, no, it means like boy, like it's like an asshole. It's like a boy's, like, like a boy, pussy, bussy,

asshole, gay. And she was like, I've been, she was like, I've been just sick. I got my bussy drilled last night. I got my bussy tore up.

Dude, I got some sick bussy last night and you're like, uh, not surprised. You're like, not surprised. You're like, dude, I tore some bussy up this weekend. And I'm like, respect, Thomas. I didn't know that about you.

I like that. It's like we talk about like three things. It's like bodybuilding, MMA, and then just me telling you about my sex life. Yeah. I don't think you've ever, ever, ever one time. But I don't know where you're like dude this weekend man going to new york gonna see some friends and i'm just gonna be tearing bussy apart i'm like wait hold on a minute you're like yeah you know just just getting

that bussy down with it getting greased up i'm like oh you're doing your bit now but do you know just just getting that bussy down with it getting greased up i'm like oh you're doing your bit now but do you know that you know she she did she also thought titty fuck went both ways but it meant the same thing she was like a girl can titty fuck a guy like because she like you know she like can like bounce her titties up on a dude's dick and i was like no even if the girl's doing the work it's still the guy titty fucking the girl and she was like no no it's like if like if a girl's like you know like writing dick or whatever it's like it's like no like it's still fucking but like it was very funny she was like no a girl can titty fuck a guy like if a guy's fucking a girl's like he's doing the titty but a girl can do the same thing i was like no if you were to be like babe i want to titty fuck you that would mean that you got a

strap on and like fucked my like chest bone because i don't have tits but like she was like again just what i was just like hold on like do you really are you fucking with me like i'm not calling you stupid but i am like quite like how long have you been using this term? Like, yeah, you know. It's like, oh, yeah, our friend, like, she just told me that she, like, titty fucked some guy. And I'm like, oh. I had a friend in high school who one time very proudly came up to me and was like, dude, I finally tried giving head this weekend. And I was like, what, what man and he was like yeah

dude i got my dick soaked like crazy and i was like oh i thought you meant like because i have heard it used for yeah you can use it for eating pussy but rarely rarely but it's like that's not the main term yeah no it's like going down like yeah like you know you know getting getting jazzy with it most most guys say that licking lips up stuff like that getting luscious oh yeah getting getting grease mouth yeah i don't like that i didn't you want me what do you want me to say in response to that i just get up and clock my ass you just you just hear a very solid like uh but yeah like the fucking the blumpkin thing was funny because we're all old now like we're not old men but like every time i bring it up guys like 26 yeah 26 27 but i we were like uh every time i bring it up he's like oh it's always

the same story about how i didn't know like and he but he says it like in a up, he's like, oh, it's always the same story about how I didn't know. But he says it like in a way where he's like, who knows the difference between these two words? And it's like literally everyone in the house. And if you approach a guy on the street, you know, just your average Joe, and you're like, hey, man, can you tell me the fundamental difference between Blumpkin and blowjob? He's going to pull his headphones out and be like, what? I'll give you a hundred bucks. What's the difference?

And he's going to say headphones out and be like what you know i gave you a hundred bucks what's the difference and he's gonna say both are blow jobs but one of them is while you're on the toilet taking a shit i want to say this though any woman i always knew it as like a meme term i don't know anybody who actually got one i have it's not something that everybody does like snowball correct yes dude i didn't that's actually one that i was i thought again it was just like a people do that it's it's it's not for me i know you like that stuff a lot well like i feel like is it like a bisexual guy thing i don't i, there's nothing fundamentally bisexual about it, I think. Yes, there is. It's your own. It's a little bit gay. I don't mean this

in a homophobic way. People eat their own boogers. That is just a different thing. This is your nut. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm saying it's a little bit gay. Okay. Let's take this a step further.

It's fine if you're a straight guy who does it. It's one of the slightly gay. But you're saying it's a little fruity. It's not even fruity. It's a slightly gay act. Okay. Do you think getting fucked with a strap on is gay? It's a little bit gay, yeah.

Okay. Okay. I think, hey, I'll say it. I think guys who take strap, I think it's a loophole For you to not try taking a dick in the ass Which I understand If it's like If it's like you know

Maybe you're like late in your life And it's too late for you to do any exploring Right You think you know it's like You got a girlfriend It's steady You can't be sucking dick on the side yeah right but it's like don't claim that's just here's how it was broken down to me and once again i don't i don't have a problem no you know i don't give a obviously

i said obviously like you know i'm one of the biggest i'm one of the bigger homophobes on the internet right i'm one of the biggest proponents of pegging online. No, I mean, it's just like you have to be honest with yourself. Right. Something like that. Well, I remember, so I have a friend who will go unnamed. He doesn't, wouldn't give a fuck because he, anyway, you'll understand. I asked him about it because him and his girlfriend do it pretty often.

And I was like, do you think it's like like are you you know he's like no the idea of being with a dude is disgusting he's just like i've been with my old lady a while and we just you know whatever but he did he broke it down like this he was like i don't think that it's gay but he's like i know other dudes that are into it and they suck the strap on before and that's gay he's like getting fucked in your ass by your old lady's not gay but if you suck on it beforehand that because there's nothing i guess that there's nothing for you or her that's just strictly your thing or whatever and the reason we were all dude we were watching ufc at my apartment in san marcos and uh we were just like sharing like you know like just whatever like talking about he was like sharing like you know like just whatever

like talking about he was like dude my old lady like she came home from work man she had a bad day and and i didn't know that him and his girlfriend were doing this you know and he was like dude she was just in a bad mood and you know sometimes he's in a bad mood she gets horny or whatever and man she just you know flipped me over and just fucking went to town. And everybody, like, again, I don't have any problem with it, but if we're all talking about getting a blowjob at the park in high school or getting a handjob at the movie theater, and then that home run, that fucking Hail Mary comes out,

you're like, wait, what? Did you misspeak? And he's like, ah, no, man. She has a bad day at the office. She comes home and just fucking tears me apart. That rocks. I've been meaning to tell this story for a while, but I had a coworker. It's been like a year or so now.

I don't know the guy anymore, so I don't feel bad about telling this. Also, he was just a fucking asshole when I was making a lot of money,worker it's been like a year or so now i don't know the guy anymore so i don't feel bad about telling this also he was just a fucking asshole when i was a lot of money so it's fine dude the first like day he was working for us or like the first week i guess right probably the second day um the guys got to like talking about sex or whatever but in like a work site kind of way and then it was just like yeah it's cool yeah and um he almost immediately started talking about how he likes his wife to eat his ass and we'd met him like 24 hours ago that rocks we were all just like i think the conversation before somebody was like man skinny girls skinny girls take it sometimes yeah and then like two guys were like yeah whatever yeah he was like bro have you ever had your ass eaten and we were like what the fuck man that is something that is

a conversation that's like a best friend conversation That's a conversation you have With somebody you've known For like 12 years Yeah as a Yes It would be weird If you brought it up to me A little bit

Just because We're only friends for a year now Yeah like I mean give or take A year and a half Yeah yeah yeah Like it would Like it would be funny But

Yeah Like the first day You meet someone And they're like Yeah bro I'd take strap Like a fucking champ What if on the first episode Like on the Zoom and they're like yeah bro i take strap like a fucking what if on the first episode like on the zoom call i'm like yeah dude hey we gotta cut this out a little early i gotta go get turned out by my girlfriend you know i would i would just sit and stare at the wall for a while what the fuck have i gotten into man i mean God damn it. I, like, my friend that, you know, like, that I was talking about earlier, like, he, when he, dude, he's sitting, like, this is our table.

We got the beers, the wings, UFC on the fucking TV. Like, we're just bro-ing out. And I was like, I didn't know that you and your old lady were into that type of stuff. and I was like, I didn't know that you and your old lady were into that type of stuff. And he was like, I mean, you know, you're with somebody for a long time and,

uh, so y'all get to talking or whatever. And, you know, they bring it up, you go, I don't know about all that. And then,

you know, a couple months go by and one day you're drunk and she already has it. Not whatever. I don't remember exactly how it went, but I was like, it's, I've known, I don't know what people get up to, you know, and this is one of my very close friends.

It's just very funny to me to just like, again, like I don't care. It's just like, yeah, I get, yeah, you know, big girls, sometimes big girls be just going crazy on it. Like that. Oh, same conversation? You want to hear the other thing he said? What? So keep in mind he'd met everybody like that day or the day before.

He met everybody like 36 hours or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody said something about skinny girls, I think. And then something was brought up about bigger girls or whatever. Something about skinny girls, I think. And then something was brought up about bigger girls or whatever. Yeah.

And I don't think I'd really chimed in at all just because it was like 7.30 in the morning. Yeah. I don't want to talk about pussy. Pussy talk at like 6 a.m. Yeah. Anyway, just kind of half-hearted. And he goes completely like swinging for the fences. He's like, yeah, but fat girls will suck the black off his dick and point it to our black co-workers.

And dude, the physical reaction we all had was like, oh man. God. I mean God Fucking damn it dude

Way too familiar type I mean Just like way too close He is And Dude To meet somebody And then like within

Like an hour You're like dude You should get a fat girl To suck your fucking cock She'll suck the black skin Like clean off your fucking dick that is that i that's a thought that like that's a thing you can see that he said that like that thought could not even occur in my mind that the phrasing like it's just like if i had that

thought it would get lumped in with like intrusive thoughts yeah like like jesus fucking christ don't smash a car into the media right now and kill everybody yeah you wouldn't say that shit out loud i wouldn't even really entertain the thought you just like be like god damn i need to go outside what the fuck i dude the fucking i had there was a guy in high school i don't to call his – I haven't talked to the guy in forever. But he had this obsession with like – he was on B. Do you know what B is? I think it's Reddit or 4chan.

I forget which one. The business one? No, Btards. It was the random board. I think it was Reddit or 4chan. I don't remember because I was never really on either of those. But anyway – I think it's 4chan you're talking about.

It's not business because that's B-I-Z. B was just the random board where people would post gore and really racist shit. And then Red Room videos and just gnarly stuff. Early day internet. And he had this obsession. We would be out like we would go to this coffee shop in houston called akora and like smoke cigarettes on like they didn't and like they served underage or whatever at the time i don't want to put them on black it doesn't fucking matter

and uh we would just hang out there and he would pull his phone out and he would be like hey isn't this girl hot and he would show us a picture of like a porn star i would look and i'd be like i mean yeah she's pretty like i don't understand and he would scroll down and she would have a dick and he's like she's you know and i was like okay all right like did he'd be like haha like yeah you're gay now yeah and i'd be like got you and he would be like he would be like, he would be like, got you, bro. Got you,

dude. You know, like the term trap was really popular at the time is I know it's not like a PC term, but like the, he was, he would like pick, he would get, and I was like,

why do you, and he would do this like every hour we would hang out there five, six hours and he would like do it again. You know, he'd be like, bro, you know, look at this. And he's like, dude, I know the bit now. And he would like do it again you know he'd be like bro you know look at this and he's like dude i know the bit now and he's like oh no no this is just like a and i'm like

stop showing me fucking i'm sitting here trying to talk to my friend about his band and you're like look at this girl's asshole she's got balls too it's just like anyway um we've all got that one friend yeah yeah and he like dude you know what he's doing okay this is just unrelated he he did that shit a lot and it was just annoying it like he just it was funny the first time to be like ah classic stuff i've been fucking shanghaied i suppose like i thought you know like you got me that guy is his goal he literally um like you know that uh who's that guy the running dude who's like a motivational speaker um Goggins David Goggins you know that's familiar he's like a motivational speaker ex-military guy and uh he like David Goggins himself into joining the navy to become

a seal and what he was doing before that was playing world of warcraft 16 hours a day and eating little caesars and like drinking beer all day he's in the navy now apparently he's doing really good but he like in the discord he was like yeah i just you know i finished my degree i want to go to ocs like officer school or whatever and he was like i just really want to go to buds like i just you know i've been like i feel motivated like you know i just this is what i want to do i really he's like in his late 20s yeah okay and it's just like i've known the guy for so long like 13 14 years that like the idea i hope he makes it through buds i hear that obviously it's fucking hard.

Seal school after is hard, but buds, whatever. Like I've heard, you hear stories. I've known a couple of people who were in the Navy. It's fucked up, but it's very funny to me.

Like a guy is going to go be like a demolition diver. Like that's what he wants to do. And 2009, he's like over a cup of coffee. Like you see this girl girl she has a penis dude and you're like nice man i you got me and he's like no you're you're gay lol yeah you're gay i look at this stuff all day yeah yeah that's the that's the point that got me is i'm like all right let's assume that the joke is is is legitimate and you got me. Why is it that you have so many pictures of trans women porn stars like on your phone?

And he's like, oh, I'm like, they're everywhere. I'm like 4chan, bro. And I'm like, oh, so I get that. I'm not on there. I'm sure there's I know that like when I've been on there, I just used to go on there and watch gore. Just like people getting hit by trains and shit or like beheading videos. Classic stuff, beheading videos. I don't save that stuff to my phone.

I smoke too much weed. I watch them have a panic attack and then I put the phone down or I put my laptop away. If I saved them to my computer and watched them all day, right, there would be like, I'm not saying there's something wrong with you, but I am saying the joke really is on you. Because if the whole joke is, is that I'm gay, I've just been had in that way. You've, you've been like, you save the pictures and the videos to your phone. They're on there. And again, nothing wrong with that. But if the joke is that I'm gay, you...

Yeah, it seems like one person's scenario, and I won't say which, is a little bit less comfortable with possibly being gay. Or just possibly like, oh yeah, you like, oh yeah. Like you like, like you think trans women are hot. What? Like that's okay. Like what? It doesn't, there's no joke to be had there.

It's like, fine, fuck it. Like who gives a shit? Like it's not, this was also like 2009, like it's a different time, I guess,

whatever. Wasn't that long ago. But the point I'm trying to make is, is that like, yeah, obviously it's like very funny, man. I guess that you you you've

tricked me why are let's let's take this joke at the core of it you should have just been like can you show me more please do you have any high quality like like 30 to 3500 gigs of this stuff that you could email me do you have like a terabyte of this he's like trying to send in his like applications for like officer school or whatever and he accidentally just sends like three terabytes of transport yeah well it's like again like he gets court marshaled before he goes into the military he well he just got out of uh of like the basic training i think it's i don't know if it, it's whatever training people do when they go to officer school or whatever.

This is what the ocean looks like. Yeah. This is a barbell. This is a boat. This is a big ship. It is funny to me, like assuming he makes it through buds and then do whatever the fuck,

seal like his specific, like he wants to be like a diver. It's very funny to me. It's like, yeah, I'm a seal. It's like, oh, how'd you? It's like, oh, well, you know, it's just my life. I was unsatisfied with it and I wanted to do something hard. Man, I respect that.

What were you doing? Were you coming from a military family? No, my dad just kind of a shut-in and you know me i was downloading let's fucking let me see five seven hundred terabytes of trans porn to joke my friends yeah i carried a big uh a big pc around that i would have to plug into the wall. Right, yeah. Because it had so much storage on it.

Like in the interview, the recruiter's like, so what do you do? I work with computers. Oh, you do coding? We got a lot of jobs in the Navy for that, a lot of jobs in intelligence. Oh, no, I don't know how any of that stuff works. I tore into a lot of pornography, mostly trans porn, gay porn, bisexual porn. There's a lot of guys who, when they get deployed in Afghanistan or whatever, I say a lot of guys. I've known of guys who brought two terabytes of just regular porn with them. Yeah, I've talked to...

I don't know how true this is but i know that like i've heard that one of the like i don't know if it's like a pill or a shot they give you or something but like it makes you like not want to jack off or something like it like yeah it's just to put them on ssris when they get over there dude the first time i i the first time i got put on SSRIs, I was a freshman in college. I had a girlfriend at the time. Dude, I was like, man, I fuck like a stud now. Some of them your dick doesn't work, but some of them you just don't bust ever. I'm like, bro, I'm fucking.

Thankfully, they only gave me the ones where my dick didn't work which is pretty pretty cool then really yeah it was just like i just sort of had i knew i had one somewhere yeah and i would just use it to pee pretty much yeah pretty nice it's like just to you know i i know what i have and i know what i can use it for. Right. Yeah. That's – yeah, there was one – I've been on lithium. So it made me gain like 40 pounds. But I remember like I was single at the time. But I was still trying – I was trying to like – obviously I'd get my dick wet or whatever. Like, you know, and –

Did I hit the door? Huh? Door? Somebody knocked? Yeah. I'll grab it. Just look out the peephole. It might be my neighbor.

Yeah. Sometimes they beat on the door over there. That's alright. They out there beating on it. Anyway. You know what? If you like this, you should go to Patreon.com Slash

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