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Matrix living off of checks mix
Swinging in the matrix Toyota
Space mix smoking on that
Haitian
Got enough in my bag they call me waging
Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much what I've been going through lately.
That's pretty much all that I've been going on.
I was at the creek yesterday seeing Lamar and Sean.
This guy was selling everybody weed.
And he had a backpack full of different strains, wax, fucking
hash, whatever the fuck.
He was like a real weed dealer.
And he asked me, he was selling QPs to comedians and ounces
and stuff.
And he was like, oh, I've never met you, man.
Are you a comic?
And I was like, yeah.
And he was like, do you want some weed?
And I was like, no, was like do you want some weed and I was like no man
makes me super scared and I get really like really crazy you know and he was like oh well I have some
weed that's just perfect for you it's like really weak I was like oh oh, OK. And then he hands me a jar, and it's just like white wood.
It's just like super crystal-y.
He's like, this is like crazy mellow high, man.
It won't make you scared at all.
And I was like, do you have any shitty weed,
like Mexican brickweed?
And he was one of those guys that
sells weed that's like a real connoisseur, you know?
Real serious about it.
And I was like, those guys that sells weed that's like a real connoisseur, you know? Like real serious about it.
And I was like, yeah, just like dirt from like a mud,
like poop, you know, like a shit brick.
And he was like, I don't sell that stuff.
He got kind of serious.
He was like, I don't sell like that.
And I was like, oh, I was just trying
to tell you that that's like only thing I could smoke.
Because I get really scared.
And he was like, yeah, I don't sell that stuff Maybe somebody else will have it. I was like Jesus Christ man
If people take their jobs way too seriously, I mean you sell weed man, you know
I mean he was like talking about terpenes and stuff talking about fucking
like
flavors and like man profile in there. It sounds what would you have done to a conversation?
Every time
Almost if I have that conversation with a friend and I'm not close with them
Yeah, if I have that conversation with a stranger I become rude
Very quickly. So the weed conversation or like just like we conversate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah talking about
The weed conversation or like just like we conversate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah talking about
The talking about the the thing
Stuff that it has in it. Yeah
Yeah
Like I handed somebody a joint
Like a couple months ago and it was like I had literally gone to a spitzer and just gotten like I was like just give me is there like a house blend or something like just give
me I literally was like I was like I was like can I just have a pre-roll yeah and that's
what I got and this guy was sure it was like dude like
What is is this like a is this like an indica?
Getting really like and I was like, it's not none of that
No We're done. We're not having this conversation. Yeah, 25 years old
We're not talking about what the weed is. Yeah, it's weed. It's bad is what it is.
It's ass cheek. It's the worst thing I could get. I'm not, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna
get into your stoner culture. Yeah it's not happening. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm only doing
this because cigarettes make my hands smell gross. Uh huh yeah yeah. And then whenever
I try and smell my hands to go to sleep then I can't sleep cuz this smells like cigarettes. Mm-hmm. Yeah
But no, it's hard being honestly just like a fucking like coastal fucking like stoner like baller
I mean like I'll beat the skate park and all the other the kids are like
Always like talking some crap about the new bud they've got or whatever and basically the the herb I've got is just pretty much just laughing everything they've got. I mean,
I've got I've got orange. Tell me some of your strains. Yeah. What do you carry these
days? I've got this strain that's really fucking like super mellow and like orange and
It's like got a thick orange crust on it. Okay
What do you call it cheeto? Oh, okay. I see a lot of cheeto and it's got like a
like half a centimeter of
powdered sugar, uh-huh and
Like a kind of a candied
Candy okay on the outside with like a lot of crystals. It's got moon dust. It's also got crushed up pop rocks
in it and
I spray it with Febreze and it makes it smell like fucking
just like
a breeze and it makes it smell like fucking just like something that's orange. It gives it like a good orange ish smell.
Like if there was a fruit at the beach, if there was like a fruit for
that taste for that smell, it would be a lot like that.
Okay. Basically I just crushed that shit up in a hydraulic press and
and smoke it out of a fucking fishbowl
and these other kids you know they're coming to me oh I've got I'm smoking oh
gee Shrek you know oh this is the fortnight weed yeah and this shit that
I'm smoking on honestly makes them look like a bunch of fucking teenagers. Yeah
Yeah, cuz you're smoking on real. I'm smoking on real shit, and I'm just
I'm just sitting in my girlfriend's car laughing at these fucking blokes. Yeah
Absolute jabrons. Yeah, and it really is sad
How you know and every time I try and explain the science to these kids
They just they act like it's like I'm speaking like speaking wrench to them. You know what I mean wrench. Yeah
Speaking wrench. Yeah, you told me you've been smoking on some really good hype shit. Yeah
I've got I've got flavorful Jesse
Flavorful Jesse is a terpene heavy,
cybernetic, sativa, hybrid, indica, wax.
And then I've got questioning Simon.
Questioning Simon, that's a good one.
Yeah, it makes you really, really like,
makes you think about like space and time and stuff.
And then I've got a delicious, really sour, wonderful Mitchell.
And a lot of people ask me, man, let
me get some of that wonderful Mitchell.
And I say, you see.
Mitchell, yeah, I've heard about that one.
I didn't know that was you.
Yeah, that was me.
That's my strain
I would eat so you cross a you cross a sneaky Taylor with a fucked up
psychotic bill and that's how you get a questioning Simon and
Those are my favorite strains right now, but I don't really want to talk about that stupid shit anymore
I think that shit's fucking stupid. Yeah, this is fucking stupid. I was I actually sold a kid some belly blood the other day
Oh
Belly with the thick red crust. Oh my god. I missed that shit, dude
Basically maple syrup and red 40. Yeah and
Crunchable candy I try and make all of my herbs so good. You can just eat it also
And I try and make it mostly candy based
Because candy is
You know just as addictive as
Other stuff I put in there yeah for sure yeah
You do spray your weed with really bad poison I do spray it with pretty bad stuff
They say glyphosate isn't good for you long term, but short term they do say it is good for you. Yeah, yeah, it's perfectly fine.
Yeah.
They call it round up because it rounds up
to the nearest decade how long you're going to live.
Yeah.
You're going to have a good time.
100%.
Yeah.
Let's say before you were only going
to have a good time up until you were 26.
That rounds up to 30.
You'll have a good time.
I love that. Yeah, yeah. That's a rounds up to 30. You'll have a good time. I love that.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a good way to live.
Yeah.
Having a good time till you're 30, and then that's it.
That's honestly how I've been feeling lately.
I feel like I had a good three-year run.
Actually, my life's pretty awesome.
I've been trying to be more mindful,
trying to practice mindfulness.
Really?
Yeah, honestly, man, yeah.
And I've got to tell you, it's not working at all.
What is mindfulness?
Well, it's like taking time, I guess, to think about, OK,
there are things that are bad, but there are things that
are also really incredible.
And just being mindful and thinking about the good stuff every day
But like man, I gotta tell you dude, I'm really
bad at that
Like really bad
I'll be like damn I fucking I think I'm going crazy
You know like I think I'm having I guess like an episode or something and then I'll be like nah fuck all that name
Five things that are fucking dope. So I'll be like well, I'm doing more guess like an episode or something and then I'll be like nah fuck all that name five things
That are fucking dope. So I'll be like well. I'm doing more stand-up. You know like all things comedy thing is pretty cool
You know filming a cool sketch got some great video episodes me and Thomas are gonna hit the road
And then I get mad that I have to like think I have to get mad that I have to list things like a kid
You know what I mean? I'm like damn. I'm 31 like I have to get mad that I have to list things like a kid You know what I mean? I'm like damn I'm 31 like I have to list things that I like
Fuck, you know. Yeah, I think it's always good to put things in perspective
You know like when you put it in my perspective, I do think things have been going downhill pretty fast for you lately
fast for you lately. Yeah, as your friend. Realistic about it. I mean, I think you've got a, I think you've got a few good months left. As your friend, man. Yeah.
Really start to get bad. Your tragedy is compounding and I just
Think so, I mean I really I do see I don't think things are gonna get much worse. I think they'll just fizzle out, you know
Yeah, I mean really I don't I don't see
If I saw life going somewhere for either of us like you can trust me like I would have you know I would have said something by now and yeah if I felt like we had things to
be thankful for I'd mention them yeah you know but we've you know we put up
with a lot of shit and there's really nothing going right and it's about
fucking time things started going right for us it's not happening and it's
probably never will I think about all the people who have turned their backs on us. Yeah, man
Yeah, 100% me too, but yeah all the people giving up on me right now
Yeah, I think I think about how we were the last episode
You know sometimes I'm like we were the last episode of the Adam Friedland show
Before you know that we were the last one that was it
You know, I think about like we were yeah I think well like before the it became the real
thing yeah I think we were the last ones like before before he started
interviewing like Sarah Jessica Parker and shit it was just as us we were just
the last ones we heard about I think he had Mike Racine on like 20 times
in a row. Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. Mike, Mike's got a
Mike. Um, Mike's one of those guys. He just, he'll just show up. Yeah. He's right. Right
down the road. Racine time. I just, I just went on his show. Yeah. Did you ask him for
money for naming his show or after somebody show but somebody commented and it made me laugh
It was like the only negative comment, which I love to find
But it made me laugh in a genuine way because it was
It was it was it was a pointed like
solid critique
Sometimes they're right.
You know what I mean?
And when they're right, you have to take that in perspective
and you go, OK, well done on that one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't need to, you know.
But somebody messaged me, and they're probably
going to hear this, and that's fine.
They definitely will hear this, because they said they were a longtime fan somebody
messaged me and they were like hey man longtime fan me and my roommate are like
obsessed with the show but Thomas has been making a joke about being a
pedophile for like three months straight and I just wanted to have a conversation
with you about that I don't want my quote this is what he said I don't want
my goat to be washed that's what he said and I said thanks to have a conversation with you about that. I don't want my, this is what he said, I don't want my goat to be washed.
That's what he said.
And I said, thanks for being a big fan, man.
I appreciate that.
And I left it at that.
And then he said, I understand if you don't want
to discuss this right now.
I guess because I didn't.
Well, you know.
Because I didn't talk about you making a joke about being a pedophile like a lot.
I don't even think it's been that much. Maybe we've been doing the show so long.
I don't fucking know, but there's a lot of people don't know about me and it's okay.
That's okay. They're right. I should be keeping it more of a secret. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You should.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. When, yeah when you know I gotta stop sneaking around like this yeah you
can punch in a cloak I noticed Thomas has been wearing a duster on every
video episode he's holding it closed but I can see his chest hair through it
mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'm curious about this.
I know Thomas has been wearing a duster and a big 10 gallon hat
invisibly hard for the last 10 video episodes.
Oh, yeah.
So I'm a pedophile.
Then why did my girlfriend of 3 and 1 half years just turn 19?
Yeah.
Sounds legal to me, bud. Yeah, OK. Yeah. Leave that one alone. Yeah sounds legal to me bud. Yeah okay yeah. Yeah yeah.
Yeah. No it's okay. No the critique was very valid and it was just the Twitter
started my Twitter started fizzling out so I just started posting selfies all
the time and that is true. I did do that for a while and then I got bored of that
so I do that anymore bored of what of just posting selfies to manage to
Keep the Twitter going. Oh, yeah, like flexing and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
For sure definitely was doing that for a while
And then it stopped being funny to post pictures of my ass
So I stopped taking pictures of myself all together. Yeah
Because I feel like you have a good window you have a few windows of one is of when your ass is funny
when when you're
When you're young yeah, and then not really funny for a while because it becomes a little
More threatening I think at a certain point seems more sex-pesty
Yeah, that's it. That's the I'm at an age now where it would be a little bit pesty
And then if but if I wait a while
To where my body is completely
desexualized
Which is sort of what I'm going for right now
Yeah, it'll I think around 35 or 40
We'll be back in the zone where if I reply to you know, Kristi Noem or whoever
rest in peace
With a picture of it.
I think it'll be good again.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
But your heart's really got to be in the game.
And I don't feel like my heart is in my ass right now.
You know what I mean?
Also, you have a girlfriend.
I don't think that's that big of a part of it.
I kept doing it for a while.
Yeah, fair. It was still funny to me. It's really, I kept doing it for a while. Um,
yeah, fair. It was still funny to me. It's really about in the end, you know, you gotta put things in perspective in once I do, I realize it's all about me.
You know what I mean? And a hundred percent. Yeah.
You gotta put things in a perspective that,
that ultimately comes back to you.
Yep. I, uh,
I definitely used to respond to
girls thirst traps with the
The Billy Madison when he goes go I forget why he says goo. I think it's maybe because one of the kids pissed himself
Or somebody was particularly very fat or something. But yeah, I would post that
To like women's thirst traps back to 3 a.mer than a day is long, high as hell on various substances.
And I got to tell you, man, I struck out 100% of the time
using that tactic.
It never worked.
Go!
Never.
It's funny when you stop doing that and Twitter
feels like LinkedIn.
Yeah.
You're like, no, I don't.
I don't harass people on here anymore. I don't, I don't,
I don't know that a lot. I don't do something that you should never do. I never should have
done. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely, I did. Well, cause like in my mind, you know, and it would
never, it would be thirst traps from like, girls, that's their thing to do.
And then like some, I guess, people on Twitter like,
you know, do!
And in my mind, I was being normal and funny
because on the replies to those,
it's like I've got it in my hand and I'm fucking yelling.
Or one will be like, I eat pussy all night long.
Or one will be like, found your address.
Or one will be like, I eat pussy all night long. Or one will be like, found your address. Or one will be like, my name's Sargesh.
And I'm very, very quiet.
And then others will be like, hey, nice tits, stupid.
I just thought that as far as those things go,
goo wasn't very bad.
But in hindsight, 2020, I think replying at all is bad you shouldn't be doing that
and
Yeah, I can't really be doing that now as you know a man that's spoken for so I don't do that stuff
Be very funny if I started again
It happens to a lot of guys
Start doing that again and when they're married while married. Yeah, their wife
You know by on the same Facebook they use yes for every gathering and then their wife says hey what what's this about and they go
Fuck you. You're trying to control me like all over again like when I wanted to buy the jet skis
Yeah
From my ex-wife and you want to make this a into a thing and you're being such a bitch right now. Yeah being a fucking idiot
Yeah, it's just like whenever I wanted you to get your fucking bolt-ons removed
Fucking gauche and you gotta take your squares off you fucking goofy
Oh just fuck your tits look fucking past
their fashionable prime.
Wow, those are yesterday's breasts. I wanna take out your Invisalign.
Girl, I wanna- Get rid of it.
I wanna put colored contacts in you
and take your teeth out.
I want you to wear white contact lenses like Hopson.
I want you to wear white contact lenses like Hopson
Want you to wear fangs, but they're really realistic ones
You guys just wants to fuck a vampire
Hey Sheila you ever thought about wearing like a long black cloak
and like white paint.
Like a red collar.
Yeah, maybe you could just sleep in the settler
for a while.
You ever think about having bats fall year round?
Man, we gotta get us a new place with a belfry.
I've been saving up money to get a watch tire, and get the place with a watch tire and a belfry
Could have sworn there would be now in the two and on the on the
On the street easy listing it showed there would be a seller
And it showed there would be a cavern that's an Arkansas vampire
Yeah, I'm just a little curious cuz no the water heater looks fine at all looks just fine
What I guess I'm mostly perturbed about
Is the cavern
Particularly struck my fancy
Sorry, yeah, we have an open house today, but I can squeeze you in mr
Let me see mr. Jebediah of vamp vamp er
Thank you so much for coming out to little rock realty. We've got a wonderful place here
You said you're looking for and I quote a
Place to put my coffin and a place to have my bat friends.
We do got a wonderful little lot,
if you would like to take a look.
There is a 15-foot belfry.
It does come with its own hunchback bellman.
And we have a wonderful river, more of like a slimy creek.
It's green that leads to a foggy cemetery.
OK.
Yeah.
But we don't have no cellar.
No cellar, sorry.
We couldn't make it happen.
OK.
So I guess I'm just curious where
the picture of the cellar came from.
Is there a different property you're
showing you got it mixed up with?
Well, unfortunately, there is another property.
But that one's taken over currently
by a sort of a werewolf type man.
But here it's only available during the day.
Correct.
Yeah, you can't toward it not.
During the day it's just taken over by a man.
There's a werewolf. Yeah, hey your natural woman
I guess a natural enemy yours. I would imagine it wouldn't be it's not like a
This werewolf he's not like small and
Black is he and like with wings or no, I'm thinking of no I'm thinking of something else
Werewolf that's the one
That's the ones real
Dog
Mm-hmm
Correct a quarter sort of a cane canish. Yeah, kind of yeah sort. Yeah
Okay
Does he have teeth? He does big yellow ones. Yeah, does he have? Okay. That's gotta be nice in Arkansas. Grow teeth at night.
Yeah, I would imagine it does him good during the day he don't have none. And that's one of the reasons why we've been trying to help him out. You know what I mean. Say, oh, thank god I can eat meat, period.
I can eat a sandwich at night.
Oh, man.
I can't wait for a full moon.
I get my iron levels up.
I've been living next to this fucking chemical river
for so long right out here outside of Little Rock.
I don't think I know another town in Arkansas
I know Eureka Springs up in there. Oh god
What an evil state was that was this you it's beautiful. No, it's not
Yeah, it is Arkansas beautiful mountains in Arkansas
You got to go up towards the act like towards the like I guess the foothills of where the whatever the fuck mountain range starts
I've stayed with Arkansas. There's beautiful terrain in Arkansas. I don't believe most beautiful places. I've been
There's what you can food you go there to moonshine and fucking
Stomp meth down is it better than is it is it worse than East Texas?
Nothing's worse than East Texas. I'm just talking about Arkansas the state in general East Texas is a hellhole
Louisiana that's in Texas the state no I know Texas is ass
I'm not defending Texas there are parts of Texas that are beautiful because Texas is a big motherfucker
I'm saying Arkansas is smaller, and it has beautiful parts. It's gotta be worth more. I guess it's better than Oklahoma
And it has beautiful parts. It's got to be worth more. I guess it's better than Oklahoma
They're ain't fucked for shit out there in Oklahoma. I got a feeling there's parts of Oklahoma They're better than what I've driven through
I don't think they gave the cream of the crop to the folks on the reservations something tells me
that they did not have
You know they didn't have all the chips at the time.
Now they do.
Yeah, enough for sure.
Now they run everything.
They run this whole damn country.
Everywhere you go, the damn Cherokee
run this whole damn pony show.
That's a new conspiracy.
No pun intended.
It's not the-
They control the banks.
They control everything.
Yeah. Intended not it's not a control the banks they control everything
Yeah, they really trace back to history a
lot of it goes
We didn't have slaves
When we got here. Yeah the natives
unfortunately
Skipping that's what they brought for Thanksgiving. We said well, we wanted to bring a damn cornucopia
Yeah, I wanted to bring a damn big horn that had a bunch of fruit in it. Yeah, we showed them agriculture That's what they showed us. What a horrible thing. No, I
I'd like to be Native American. It just wasn't in the cards for me. Yeah, I mean either actually, you know what my
It's not bloodrelated, but my aunt
Yeah is
What's the?
Chock-tall she's chock-tall. I mean if it's not blood-related. It doesn't really count at all does it no no literally not at all, but I
Well, it's not really but yeah, I'm not trying to say that I was told I was told growing up that we had
Blackfoot Cherokee.
But then somebody in my family got a 23 in me.
And I don't know how accurate those are.
Yeah.
But it didn't show any of that.
I think it's a showed some Greek, which, you know,
that's never something you want to find out.
I think it's pretty common. I've heard this from other people in the south that like my me ma told me
That we were descended from royalty that we were like that Anne Boleyn was in our family and
We were the Rhodes were like a noble family in England.
And we were descended from like, yeah,
whatever bloodline Anne Boleyn was, they chopped her head off
because she didn't, I guess, produce
a son for King Henry or Louis.
I think it was Henry.
And then I heard that from several other people
in the South.
And I've heard other Southern comedians joke about it,
where I think it's just kind of like a thing that Southern
families make up, especially some of the older folks.
They'll say, oh, you know, when we were in England,
we had money.
And we had castles and land, which I don't believe it.
But let's assume for the sake of argument it's true.
Well, we don't have that now
Like everybody works at the gas station. Everyone's addicted to Oxycontin everyone is 300 pounds
Everybody fucking sucks bad everybody is fucking ass nobody has any redeeming qualities
And it's it's over for everybody you can't like take a plane over to the pond and be like I would love to join back
Up with the fucking you know
The goddamn court of nobles here. It doesn't fucking track. What are you looking at pictures your phone and guys are butts
No, I was trying to find the name of this guy that I was related to but I can't remember it at all
Some guy that there's a TV show
the
That there's a character based off him oh
Some like pillager guy or whatever like a tribesman. Oh like something the terror tribesman
yeah, like it's like a
Scotch Irish type situ. Oh, it was like a kelp badass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah wish you could see me now
Yeah, living past 20 live in patsy age of 25. So uh-huh
He gave a compliment
Wait, could you guys hear that? Yeah, I heard all that. Oh my god. That's so embarrassing
No, I'm just kidding you what yeah, where'd you get the dress the pooping store? I'm sorry. I'm sorry
You look like fucking shit just kidding that dress would look good on me
You look like fucking shit, I hate it. Oh my god
You look like fucking shit. I hate it. Oh my god
That dress looks awesome, it looks like a dress for a grown-up
People apparently people are not a fan of how much I've been claiming to be a pedophile on the show recently, which I don't.
And I told them, I said, my girlfriend of three and a half
years just turned 19.
How am I weird?
People don't understand.
They don't even know that Eden's older than you.
They don't even know that.
They have no idea.
They don't know all about that because you guys met
at that NAMBLA meeting.
Ian said, and Jake knows all about that, because you guys
met at that NAMBLA meeting.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we did.
Yeah, yeah.
I was there protesting, but you were there to be the new director.
And yeah.
I thought I had it mixed up with MENSA. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm here to do math.
Yeah, put me through the IQ test.
I'm here for Nambla.
Oh my God.
I was here to do science.
They said I'm a genius.
They said I was smart.
I don't know why I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.
They said I had the highest IQ in Nambla.
Yeah.
84. the highest IQ in Nambla. Yeah.
84.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. Oh my god.
I just remembered a few years ago when Patrick took an IQ test
on stream.
And he got an 85.
Oh my god.
Yes.
Yes. I love that. I mean, yes. Yes.
I love that.
Those are never.
It's all made up.
It just shows how racism was used historically
against the Irish.
Yeah, that's true.
If you ask me.
But yeah, it always makes me laugh when I remember.
I remember taking online IQ tests when I was in high school and
It was probably just a bunch of viruses put on my computer whenever I did that
Yeah, and also it just gives you homework you have yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah says which shape is actually the right one
Yeah, and you go
Yeah. And you go, eh.
Dude, when I was applying to be a dishwasher at Cheesecake
Factory, they made me take a full-blown IQ and EQ test.
It's for the Cheesecake Factory to wash dishes,
to literally be in the dish pit with a bunch of Guatemalan
stabbers.
Did they tell you your results?
Yeah, they told me I'm not hireable.
I can't be hired by Cheesecake Factory. They didn't me I'm not hireable. I can't be hired by Cheesecake Factory
They didn't say I'm not hireable based on the test
But they did but I they said that I am NOT what they were looking for at the Cheesecake Factory
My friend who went to prison for selling LSD was hired at Cheesecake Factory the same time
He tried to get me a job and then I took the EQ dude
It was an hour and a half test that was like, if two,
then five, seven, then what?
And I would be like, 10?
You know, skipped by three?
It was questions like that.
And then it would get progressively difficult.
It was like, if diamond is to rhombus,
then pentagram is to what?
And I'd be like, I don't fucking know, dude.
It's dishes.
You put soap on the fucking hot plate, you run it through the thing that goes then it's fucking done but I took the fucking thing anyway, and then and then uh
Yeah, I didn't get the fucking job same thing
I applied to be a night stalker at HUB not like a not like a like a creepy guy with a shawl or whatever the fuck
But you know a produce stockman, and I had to take a fucking two-hour like
Jesse is having an interpersonal conflict with Sarah. Sarah's Jesse's boss.
Sarah works on Tuesdays, Jesse works on Wednesdays. How would you coordinate
their schedule? Motherfucker, I'm fucking stocking lettuce. I'm listening to fucking
podcasts and I'm hanging out with guys who fucking probably got the job because
they got court ordered to have a job at night because they can't be around human
beings. Why the fuck am I getting the fucking CIA IQ test?
Pissed me the fuck off.
And then I later found out, sorry,
I watched a documentary on the company
that produces those tests for jobs.
It's the same, I can't think of the name of the company,
but those are designed to quite literally redline people.
Like if you fail the EQ part,
then they just throw your resume in the trash.
Even if you're applying to be like a fucking a mortician or whatever the fuck.
Like it doesn't matter what the job is. They just they make you take those tests
and if the test indicates that you're of poor moral fiber I guess, they throw your
shit in the fucking trash and then every time you apply they just goes right in
the trash. It was on HBO or something. I forget what it was called
But yeah, I guess I'm just not cut out to have a job basically is what these things are telling me
Yeah, I mean I would agree
Ways cut out to have a job right? That's why we're doing this is cuz we gotta we gotta get it out the mud
But you know I guess you're right.
Yeah.
Those things really suck, man.
I don't know.
I'm sure people who are listening had the same experience.
But yeah, I don't know.
I don't understand the requirement of why you have to do good on one of those to make Southwest egg rolls.
Chili's had one. Did you have to take the BST whenever you were doing one of those to make Southwest egg rolls. Chili's had one.
Did you have to take the BST whenever you
was in any of those?
The booty shaker test?
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't really like to talk about it.
But they did give me the BST.
Mine was too low.
They said mine was droopy.
Yeah, they gave me the BST and the PWT, the penis wetness
test, an exam.
Yeah, yeah. They caught meST and the PWT the penis wetness test an exam. Yeah. Yeah, they caught me with my own
Saliva on my penis. What's that?
For the PWT they caught they take my penis tested positive for my saliva. So
You cheat it has to be Capricum. Oh my god, Thomas be saliva
You cheated on it. I cheated up my spit before so it would be the same temperature as con.
Oh god bud.
And they said,
Sir, do you really think we can't taste the difference between saliva and pre-cum?
And I said, I'm sorry. I just really need to work at this children's library.
work at this children's library I really need this job as really need this job mmm I need this motherfucker bed I need to be I was gonna be one of the shelves
get your books out of me you stock me me. These are so heavy. I'm having a hard time getting them out
My dad told me when he was in the army
He uh
He had some fake piss he'd like I guess on leave he had spent like a couple weeks
smoking the glass dick having a good time doing some doing some opiates and drinking alcohol and
He had they came back and the first day they came back his like platoon. I don't know what the fuck
I don't even what the fuck but his platoon. I'll use that word got
randomly all of them got rando'd
Like the day they came back
and so he
He had some fake piss handy,
but this was right around the time that they started
testing for the temperature, too.
And my dad didn't have a warmer.
So he pisses in the cup.
And then I forget exactly how he managed to pull it off,
but he microwaved the pee.
But he put it on for like 30 seconds, he told me.
And so he brings the
guy brings the piss the fake piss to his I don't know sergeant whatever the fuck I
don't know and hands it to him and then my dad's like goes back to his barracks
whatever the fuck and he's like man that was a close one and then like literally
maybe a minute later they call him in like you know fucking private roads
blah blah you know, fucking private roads,
blah, blah, blah, you know, get in here.
And they're always yelling.
So my dad was like, yeah, I passed.
And they were like, this is a drill sergeant.
He was like, you got a fever, boy?
My dad was like, sir, no, sir.
He was like, well, I don't know.
I want, I think you might be sick, boy.
Well, we got him.
We might have to send you to infirmary my dad was like I
Healthiest can be sir ready to go
Doc says you I don't know boy. I never seen no shit like is doc says your piss is a hundred and forty eight degrees Fahrenheit
My dad was like I don't know sir. I don't understand. He is like boy. He says this piss is clean
we don't got ain't no like, boy, he says, this piss is clean. We don't got, ain't no fucking hair or nothing in this piss.
But this piss is hot, boy.
Let me test your temperature.
They were all, all the drill sergeants were yelling.
They were all putting their hands on his head.
He's like, feeling, it's feeling mighty warm up there,
private.
And he was like, sir, I'm healthy, sir.
They were like, they sent him to the doctor,
but like, you know, they just just marched him out to the damn doctor.
And they like, my dad said that the guy was
like the whole way there.
Because his army's like this.
He was like, private, if you've got a favor,
we're going to have to test for it rectally.
Do you understand?
And my dad was like, sorry, yes, sir.
And they were feeling his head.
And he's like, temperatures feel like it's heating up.
They're going to have to use a big thermometer. My dad's like 19 he was like he was like yeah, you know I use fake piss, but they're threatened to rape me
Because it's just the army in the 80s or whatever the fuck if I can uh
But yeah, he said that they he like got a demoted or whatever the fuck
This is like right before he lost his mind and went to Walter Reed
But I didn't I never thought about that like like using fake piss and then trying to get it hot and then there's a bit
There's somewhere of like this is a hundred and sixty five degree piss. I guess it's clean, but goddamn son
This is what you doing good everything working
Probably should have just failed the fucking pisser. I remember
Whenever I was getting drug tested
This last time around I had this horrible schedule where they had always had me coming at the same time
He's weak. I was getting drug tested weekly
for for a
long time uh-huh and my
my number two schedule
And my number two schedule would perfectly line up with the number one. Yeah.
And I would always be like, I cannot.
They'd be like, we have to watch you.
And I'd be like, I cannot only go number one at this very moment.
Yeah.
And there were times where my bond officer would have to watch me take a shit with the door open very nice
yeah, and also one time I accidentally dropped a
Tmi but one of the longest pubes I've ever had on my body in the cup growler. Yeah nice
Oh, yeah, and then I just handed it cuz I can't tamper with the cup
Yeah, I can have pluck something out. Yeah, I handed to this guy who was probably making forty five thousand dollars a year. Yeah
When he was interesting he had his whole office
Was Denver Broncos stuff and then a bunch of anime figurines
Sounds like a bond officer. Yeah. There was another lady.
I had like four or five different bond officers.
Yeah.
There was another lady who her whole room
was Edgar Allan Poe themed.
Nice.
Yeah.
And she was one of the meanest women
I've ever met in my life.
And she got fired a few days after we met for the first time. Yeah. Yeah, I
did not know this and
so I was trying to report and nobody was returning my calls and
Somebody called me and was like hey, I'm gonna be honest here. She's pretty fucked up over here
I'm going to be honest here. Shit's pretty fucked up over here.
You just don't.
There's nobody checking on you right now.
I'm just going to be honest.
There's nobody.
We got to figure something out for you.
So which was a pretty tempting few weeks.
There were a few weeks where I was technically on bond but I was there was or I technically was on probation
mm-hmm but I had no probation officer yeah yeah oh I see what you mean yeah yeah this
was half this was post trial I remember now but yeah there were a bunch of people.
You know what's crazy?
Is I tested negative for Adderall almost every time
I got a drug test.
It's in and out, brother.
I mean, I don't know how many times.
And I was taking it daily.
Yeah.
Dude, I would stay up Friday through Sunday doing Coke.
And then I would have to piss test on Mondays
when I got rando'd and I
would just know for good and goddamn well that I was gonna fail and it was
gonna be all over. This was for work when I worked at the plant. They
wouldn't piss test every Monday but they would do
randoms and it was usually people that drove the work truck a lot and that were
late often which was me and dude dude every Monday, I piss clean
I think I think I think some people are born to be fuck-ups like their body you know what I mean like their bodies are
Like just designed to flush that shit out like I think I think I've talked about it on here before I don't know
Why I sounded Italian ever second think I talked about it But my dad got like like like a year before he died my dad went to the doctor and
He was having some weird shit like going on with his body
I remember him telling me like some like TMI was just like he'd be like dude. I took a shit, and it was white
I was like what he's like yeah pure alabaster white poop, and I was like what does that mean? He's like probably nothing good
I'm gonna go to the doctor
and
I did for like six months like for six months. He was telling me that I was like you get fucked in your ass
And he was like I'm scared. I just might what's some wrong my gallbladder something
I was like sounds like there's something wrong with your ass for men being in it and you like
I was like sounds like there's something wrong with your ass for men being in it and you're like
Y'all pissed off anyway, dude. He went to the doctor
Mostly perfectly fine healthy we smoked cocaine for like 30 years drank every day
You know the whole nine yards same with me for the most part like I would get my blood work done like I just I think Some like maybe there's something in genetics and DNA from like substance abuse in the family that just kind of like
Maybe it passes on I'm not a scientist or whatever. I don't fucking know but yeah, it would make sense to me
You know my dad had a guy
I didn't know what he was until I was older
But there was this dude that would come over and like a in a pan khakis and like a blue button up like once every couple
Weeks when my mom and him when they had split custody me now go to my dad's house every two weeks
And I was real little I was probably five or six
I barely remember this dude, but there was just a guy that would sit in his house and they would play
Mario Brothers on the old Nintendo and they would just like drink beer and fucking I was like
Oh, this is one of my dad's friends and
they're like drink beer and fucking and throw shit at each other.
And they'd go in the backyard.
My grandma lived in this neighborhood
where the backyard backed up against the ditch.
And they would hit golf balls into the fucking thing
and throw beer cans at possums and shit.
But he always was dressed weirdly nice.
And my dad would be wearing a Motley Crue fucking tank top
and jean shorts
anyway Like we were talking about this guy one time my dad was like oh, yeah, that was my parole officer. He's super chill I
Was like your parole officer I was like what you guys like
I'm pretty sure I remember you guys doing blow like like been smoking weed and shit
He was like oh, yeah, I'm a that motherfucker was super on the level, dude.
He didn't have, give up, fuck.
Every now and then I give him like 150 bucks,
he just let me slide, dude.
This is the chillest PO I ever had.
I never had to do nothing.
And I was like, oh, like, did you go back to,
you didn't go back to prison?
He's like, yeah, I should, 100%.
The guy just like let him slide,
like doing drugs and missing meetings and stuff.
I think my dad would like work for a bit
and then pay him a little bit of money and then just like get away with it every fucking time
It's super awesome
Every other one he had was like the lady you were talking about he would tell me every other like probation or parole officer
Ever had was like a fat black lady that would have like literally do her job and my dad
But can you believe this lady's making me pay?
Make me piss in a cup making me fucking stay clean so I can stay in a prison.
I'd be like, yeah, I think that's like her job.
But I fuck, no, she's supposed to be cool.
She's supposed to play Tony Hawk with me, fucking drink Modelo.
Man, I don't want to go to jail actually, that fucking sucks.
I've only been to one time, I don't want to go. I don't want to go to jail
It's not fun Do you think it would be like?
like
If they start deporting American citizens, where would you want to go if they gave you the option?
Mmm, like for your political beliefs or whatever. I know you're really far, right? So they would probably
Deport you for being too based
They probably just send you to El Salvador, but if you had to choose if I had to choose
Well, no one me
As much as I'd love to
Learn another language, I don't really want to do it at gump, you know, like, uh, force get thrown into the
mix. So England, maybe Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Probably go somewhere safe by safe. I mean,
somewhere where I don't have to figure anything out. It's all there for you. Yeah
Yeah, maybe they just send me to
Tennessee or something
Deport you to fucking fucking whatever
The important me to Tallahassee. Oh, yeah, Fort Lauderdale. Can you please tell me more about the mr.
Based show please because you were texting me about and I
Did want you to talk about that because I was really interested in that. Based show, please. Because you were texting me about it. And I did want you to talk about that, because I
was really interested in that.
All right, so this free show that I've
been telling everybody to go to, and I don't think any of you
came, but it's all right.
It was a nightmare.
So we show up at this bar in the East Village.
And I noticed somebody has a camera set up, a tripod. I think oh cool, you know
It's how stand-up nowadays is you know if you think oh nice the sets can be filmed this is cool because
I've kind of been working on this material a lot recently got some new stuff
I want to try like I'm feeling good about the set. Yeah feeling good about it
Go to sit down.
We accidentally slightly brush up against this older Chinese lady.
Oh, sorry.
You know.
Yeah, of course.
She turns.
She goes, you hit me.
All right.
You hit. You just hit me.
Okay, this is, this is off to a weird start.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Weird start to the night.
Yeah.
Anyway, so as it turns out, this whole thing is being filmed by none other than, none other
than Mr. Baste.
You may know him as the former owner of Pussy.com.
Yeah.
He had multiple successful prostitution rings
in Manhattan over the past few decades.
He is a felon.
And he was one of the first people
to have basically a cam girl warehouse. Yes, sir. Yeah
He also if you know Joshua block
Aka t-shirts. Yeah, the guy who turned him into the monster that he is today. Mm-hmm was mr.
based an opportunistic
Bald evil freak who happened to be at this shitty free comedy show at a
bar. Yeah. Um, so, you know, off the bat things are looking a little bit weird cause I noticed
there's a bunch of freaks in there.
I think, OK, there's some freaks in here.
Because he had like a kid, not a kid, but like a 21-year-old boy
with him.
Oh, no.
Who was just his stooge.
I don't think it was like a sexual thing.
Just like a Zoomer stooge.
Who we'll get to in a minute. Okay, just like a zoom or stooge. Uh-huh Who
Who will get to in a minute he he has this closes out with a beautiful something beautiful happens with the stooge
I notice
As cuz I show up right after the shows already started when I show up because you know fucking badass I show up late
Uh-huh. I show up late. I noticed, um, the person on stage is a little tense. Yeah. Oh, no worries. It's a bar show.
Bar shows can be hostile sometimes. Yeah. I also notice that about a third of the crowd
is heckling. Um, you know, at well, not a third, I would say out of 15 people three are heckling
That's actually kind of a lot for any show
Numbers wise not great and I also noticed that these random sounds keep happening
Because he had some sort of speaker setup or whatever
to where the chat the
This wasn't on twitch. It was only like kick and all these other like
Ones for guys who get kicked off of twitch. Yeah wasn't on twitch
But these like chat sounds keep happening and I'm really confused
And
This guy mr. Based, is interrupting comics
the entire time they're going with being like, chat said
this.
Chat said this guy sucks.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, speak louder.
They're saying you're being too quiet.
And he's sitting about eight feet from the comics.
There's no stage, really.
Fucking awesome.
So things seem to be not going super well.
Yeah, yeah.
And then one of my friends goes up and is just
yelling the whole time, please turn the camera off.
Please turn the camera off.
And that's pretty funny to
me. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. And then this guy, the guy who's streaming, he says, yo,
you'll be chill. I got 15,000 people watching right now. Oh, which God, which I hear. And
I go, perfect. A liar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A liar. Like every man I met in this world.
Yeah. Every Uber driver I've had in this world. Yeah. Every Uber driver
I've had this guy is claiming that there's 15,000 people watching the stream right now.
Right. Right. Right. Another one of my friends goes up and she makes a nickname for him or
something, you know, making fun of him. And he goes, I'm, he makes a joke like, Oh, that
is my name or whatever. And then he's like, I'm just kidding. My name is Mr. Based.
Oh my god.
And when I hear that, I go, fuck me.
Fuck me, because I had not gone up yet.
And then, yeah, so I go up.
And I'm already mad when I go up.
And I know things are going to be ruined.
Things are just already ruined for me.
There's the whole plan I had going into the night.
That is over.
That's not going to happen.
And I also know that I'm not a cool guy when I get mad.
There's comics who, when they get mad,
they turn into a cool, angry version of themselves.
Yeah, of course.
And I am not like that at all.
I become just visibly flustered, which is not like,
that's the whole point of anything is to not be like that.
And so I get mad at this fat gay guy at the bar,
and I just start just insulting him him and we go back and forth and neither of us really lands anything that awesome. No jabs stuff
Yeah, no, there's heavy jabs. I tell him to kill himself
Like super sincerely, yeah, he said that I was overweight and
Overweight is a pretty funny word to use
admittedly because
It was like an accurate thing too. Like he didn't he didn't call me obese even like I'm not obese
I am medically overweight like right now. Yes fluctuation wise, but it really annoyed me. It really got under my
told him to kill himself and all this stuff.
And then this other comic goes up after me,
because I was supposed to close it out.
So I kind of treated the end of the set like, hey, close it
now.
Thank you guys for coming still.
Tried to play it off.
And then this other girl who was, I guess,
like running a little late or whatever pops up.
And the host, it's like, oh, do you want to come on?
She just got there.
So she's new to all of this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And yeah, Mr. Bass is like shouting out to her like,
have you ever slept with a black guy?
Like all this
Classic stuff. Yeah. Yeah, just all the you know the stuff you yell when you are good at pissing people off. Yeah
ended pretty
Pretty badly. We're all pretty angry about it and then all right. Here's where it gets good
The stooge comes up
And he has a song to perform, uh-huh
Everybody in the entire building is mad people were screaming at each other who had nothing to do with the show
Yeah, like the bartender was mad people that when I yelled at the fat gay guy, he started
yelling at the bartender, all this stuff.
Yeah.
So the stooge comes up and nobody is really quite sure what he's got going on.
Okay.
Um, like if I think he might've just, uh, I, I think, I think he might have just I
Think I think he was like kind of irony poison and a little slow I
Think he performed the song pink matter by Frank Ocean. Uh, I know it was by Frank Ocean
And he couldn't sing at all really he was very bad at singing but the song was on the speakers for the bar. So that song is playing, and this guy's singing.
And I'm just thinking, my girlfriend came to the show.
Some friends were there.
And I'm hearing the beat of the song.
I'm thinking, this is what I moved across the country
to be here.
And walk outside, and Mr. Bass
is smoking a joint with his shitty dog.
And all the other comics go out and they
started asking him for money.
Of course, Shepard.
Because people were, he was the whole time during the show,
he was like, yo, if Chad donates while you guys are up,
I'll give you guys the money.
Oh yeah.
And like I've met guys who are straight sex criminals before.
So I wasn't really trusting of his.
Yeah I was like oh yeah.
I'm going to rely on this.
Oh yeah I can't wait to walk home with some money
from this guy.
From Mr. Base.
Literal sex trafficker like the kind
that goes to jail for it. Not like the Twitter insult. Yeah. That you like this guy went
to law school. Yeah. Just didn't take the bar and became a pimp instead. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a guy who, you know, um, you're not going to fully wrap your head around them. You know what I mean?
And you're not going to really, if you're an open mic or you're probably knocking out
smart. No, yeah, for sure. That's a guy who really does. He says, he says really dumb,
stupid, like racial horrible things, but that's cause it's easy and it works for what he's trying to do. Yeah, he's definitely something going on
And but but yeah, and then he invited one of the girls over for a sleepover stream
And thankfully she said no she's a nice lady what's a sleepover
Street, you know, I think he really I think he'd use that one before
I think that's kind of his go-to thing. He says nowadays
It's really funny, you know
It really reminds you that everybody smokes weed because you think a guy like that would be like strictly coke
Uh-huh, and like oxy and stuff like strictly hard stuff. Yeah. Mr. Based. Yeah. You think that guy would be,
you know, like a good Coke and like maybe Molly guy or something. You know
what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But said, he's just smoking a damn J like he works at
Pacsun. You know what I mean? Um, so I was pretty, uh, pretty upset really. Uh, I wish I, I wasn't, but it
bothers me whenever people, um, it's the advantage things I'm trying to do, but at
the same time I walked away thinking, you know, this is the game. Of course.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This, this is the path to greatness. And, um, I have a buddy of
work who used to do open mics.
And I told him that that had happened.
And he was like, that is literally
worse than any outcome of a show I could have imagined
when I was doing stand-up.
But he also said, he looked into Mr. Based.
And he came back to me today.
And he said, I didn't realize Mr. Based
is the guy who stands in
Washington Square Park all day and looks at the Sun
What he's into sun gazing?
Okay, yeah, so
Kind of circled back around to this to this guy is retarded. Yeah
Back around it. Never mind This guy a genius. Master plan out the window. Yeah.
Turns out this guy fried his brain.
And now he's mentally disabled.
Whenever you fry your brain so bad,
you can't do sex trafficking anymore.
Things are not looking super good.
Things are not looking great.
Because I've met, you know know I've seen some pimps on the side of the road
Where sweatpants fucking cookie monster? Yeah?
People think it is you know yeah
You don't have to be a genius, but you do have to have your wits about you for sure
Yeah, you know you can't just have a boy with you
to do your errands.
He's a sun-gazing former sex trafficker who has a boy.
Who owned pussy.com.
And it sucks, dude, because that's the coolest website
name of all time.
I want that for our website.
I really wish it had been somebody else who owned pussy.com
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I know I can't even afford it. Yeah, dude. I bet he paid a lot for pussy
I think he got it during the dot-com bubble so it wasn't probably wasn't that crazy that much
You know what I mean like he probably wasn't he probably got it for fucking pennies on the dollar. Yeah, you know the man
Anyway fucking that's awesome, man.
I'm glad the show went good.
Fuck that guy, though.
Yeah, and I didn't ask him for money.
And I sort of acted like I already had a bunch of money,
and I didn't even need his money.
But I actually, I love $20.
That's an amazing amount of money to me.
It's beautiful.
But I even want it from a guy who sold girls.
Just a bunch of kids donated.
Yeah.
So that he could ask girls their body count at the mall.
Oh, wow.
You know, that kind of stuff.
I really hope every guy like that fucking dies soon. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, and I know the content mill never stops
But there's a thing that's different from that guy compared to like old-school Howard Stern and all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for sure
I mean I said he's been on Howard Stern, but you know what I mean?
There's a certain
I mean, there's a certain refinement to the shock jock thing that I can respect in some instances.
Rush Limbaugh was very good at what he did.
And he was clever at times.
Yes.
Howard Stern, clever at times.
When you're never clever with it,
it kind of gets worn out really fast.
No, 100%. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you
like like Stern
Like he would tell he would he would bring on a hot girl and he would be like if you ever rode rid of
Rodin a Sibian while high on Mescon and she'll be like no and they would do that and in the next episode
He would have on I don't know, like Jeb Bush or something.
You know what I mean?
Not Jeb Bush, but like a low level senator or something,
or like a Herman Cain.
Yeah, yeah, or like an attorney that represented Johnny
Cochran, like somebody that represented a notorious.
And then he would be able to like,
he's not like an intellectual heavyweight, but you're right.
There is a type of person that can thread that needle of like,
have you ever bounced on a big fake black penis
while riding a unicycle?
And the girl would be like, no.
And then they would film her doing it
with the little pixels.
And then the next episode, he's kind
of talking about economics in a way that is not
particularly insightful, but he definitely
knows a thing or two.
Whereas with guys like Mr. Based and the current gay son
or thought daughter, there's no respite.
There's no intermission from the stupidity
or the sexual depravity.
It's just all candy.
You know what I mean?
It's just all fat.
There's no meat, which does, I think,
contribute to the decline of literally everybody else on planet Earth.
Yeah.
It definitely does.
I think if you're going to do something,
you should try and do it well.
And I say this as one of the worst stand-up comedians
in the world.
You're not one of the worst, man.
You're probably like top 1,000.
I am not top 1,000 because I'm taking into account
that people in China are also into stand-up and stuff.
They've probably got some real killers.
Probably.
Within the English language, I like
to think I'm top 1,000 within New York City.
OK, yeah, I'll give you that.
Probably.
Yeah, yeah.
Probably towards the 1,000 part. probably 995. I would say,
yeah, I would put, yeah, maybe the 950th best comic in Brooklyn right now. Dude, that open
mic, that mic that we did was at the blue room. That was crazy. The tiny cupboard. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty nuts. There's. There's a few here that are bigger.
Pine box is big.
I've never done it, but people seem to like it.
There's one pretty close to me I do sometimes.
I don't know.
There's some good mics here, but that one was not necessarily one of them.
That was crazy.
Wardell got banned from that club because he emailed them asking if
He could get any time there and they were like yeah swing by at 2 in the morning
For this spot and he just didn't and then they emailed him like you have been banned. Oh
That's awesome. They offered him like a five-minute spot at 2 in the morning and he just like forgot to respond and
Didn't go this really like you can never return to the tiny cupboard and Bushwick
My book, okay my buddy Egan
He shout out Egan. He's a really funny guy here in Austin and doing a show Friday at Freddo
But he he got banned from the Shakespeare's after Kill Tony Mike, which
is really popular because Shakespeare's is one
of the places where you hang out to find out if you do Tony.
So you get a pretty decent crowd,
and they do five minute sets.
But he didn't want to wait in line.
He signed up super late, and he got 18th.
And they called number eight, and he knew like 18th and he knew they called number eight and he knew who
it was and the guy's name is was it or or nest or nesto Mercado and Egan
Gallivan is a he's an American guy but he's like first-generation his
parents are Irish I think or Scottish he's like yeah thatgeneration. His parents are Irish, I think, or Scottish. He's like, yeah, that's me.
And I know the lady that runs the mic.
She's this super, how would I describe her?
Like, titties comedian.
You know what I mean?
I'm not taking anything away from her game at all.
But she goes on 6th Street with her yams out.
And she's like, doggy or head?
And 5 million views, $100 billion,
it's amazing for her.
I love it for her.
Anyway, he was like, Ernesto Mercado, that's me.
And she was like, really?
And he was like, what?
Do I not look like Ernesto?
And she was like, oh, no, I'm sorry.
And he went up and at the end of his set, he was like, hey,
guys, my name is Egan.
Thank you guys so much. Shakespeare's's kill Tony you guys are the best and
He got banned for pretending to be Latino
At that open mic he was like I don't like us all up yeah lock us all up lock up the pendejo
Do you guys there? No he didn't know he bailed he had to go
That's why like he was like I knew that Ernesto wasn't gonna show up
So I just went in his place the lady didn't know that I was not Ernesto
anyway
That's okay. I mean, I don't think that's that bad
I think it's just because it was in Austin. Yeah. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Yeah also also Shakespeare's because it's killed Tony related
Shakespeare's is literally one of the shittiest frat bars
in the city.
I saw Blake from Workaholics do a aux, like, iPhone DJ set
there, high as fuck on Molly, like, 10 years ago.
It's a shit bar.
But they take themselves really seriously now,
because all the Killtony people are there,
and you sign up for Tony there
And so they take them there like they consider themselves like a comedy bar now It's just by sheer accident that Rogan opened up the mothership like across the street or whatever the fuck
Anyway ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for listening to another free episode
Pada time
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If you're in San Diego this Sunday,
head on over to lemonparty.life. I'm opening up for Ben Avery and the Boys, an American comedy
company. I'll be in California all weekend, but I think I'm gonna go to
Knott's Berry Farm or Magic Mountain and ride roller coasters by myself because
daddy needs a little solo therapy time. And then if you're in Seattle, July 23, in Portland on the 24th,
if you're in those cities, head on over to lemonparty.life.
I'm also opening up for them as well.
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We are doing
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Thomas everybody's favorite Pada time extended universe character JT Kelly and our homeboy from Chicago Max Shanker
That's all I got for plug-in. What do you got Thomas?
I've on Sunday, July 6th.
Check me out at Heart of Gold in Historia for a Bruce Skis
comedy show hosted by Abraham Valdez.
Beautiful.
On his show.
Thank you guys.
Thanks guys.
Peace.