Pendejo Time - Ramadan for White Guys

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

Felix Biedermen joins us to talk pills, preworkout, brazilian jiujitsu, and diarrhea. I was clipping on this one don't yell at me. Support the Show.

Welcome to a very special edition and episode of Pendejo Time. We have a very good special guest, Mr. Felix Biederman. Thank you for joining us, Felix. Am I alone here? Oh, there we are. Hey, everybody. Did he cut out? He was hallucinating us. Yeah, I was hallucinating that I had friends for a moment and people online I knew.

Yeah. Welcome to our first solo episode where it's just you. Yeah. Yeah, it's just me. This is going to rock. Well, yeah, I want to thank Felix for joining us. This is the first one I've done in the light in the daytime with Thomas, and I'm having to look at him in the light and it's just not good.

Well, you're getting the full view on my hairline here. It looks pretty good, man. Well, the thing is, the way I have this ponytail set up, it looks like it's only receding on one side when it's in fact receding on both. Anyway, thanks for joining us, Felix.

My pleasure. For our last episode here. You say that every episode we do, and so when you're gonna... You know, maybe if I'm right, it'll be, you know, how Biggie made every song about him dying or something, and eventually

he did, so it was sort of... You're gonna cry wolf, and one day you're gonna be like, dude, I fucking hate you, and I'm gonna be like it was sort of... You're going to cry wolf in one ear and be like, dude, I fucking hate you. And I'm going to be like, yeah, I'll see you next Tuesday, man. And you're going to be like, no, I want you to die. I hope you die. And I'll be like, yeah, I'll see you next Tuesday. See, I thought about that whenever you took me to that wing place,

and then they put poison into the wings. You liked... Okay, you liked the wings. You said they were good. They tasted good. But guess what? You know, they got all types of poison nowadays in some of it. As it turns out, it tastes like spicy Thai chili.

You know that antifreeze just tastes like soda? Propylene glycerin. Yeah, they put it in vape juice, I think, or something. Or just... I hope not. It kills you. It kills kills you maybe it's fine if you vape it it's one of those chemicals yeah it's like it's like brake cleaner kind of yeah the the place where i go to get my juice from they're like yeah this one's only 70 or 50 propylene glycol

and i was like isn't that what's in anyifreeze? And the guy was like, yeah, but it's different. And I was like, how? And he's like, I don't know. I was like, very cool. So I vaped this 24. I wake up at night with a headache because I slept good and I got nicotine withdrawal. And then I hit it to go back to sleep. So I hope it's good for me. My favorite thing to do is like when I wake up and i'm just like drinking coffee like kind of dehydrated

and i take like three huge hits off the vape and then i just let and stand up too fast and it's like amazing free high for like yeah 12 seconds and it's like then i'm ready to start my day do you like thinking i'm gonna, like, a split second. And then it's like, oh, I'm fine now. I did that once and, like, fell down. This girl is hating me. She's like, what the fuck? Are you okay?

I'm like, no, I do that every morning. You're like, no, this is just normal stuff for the ultimate feelings. It's the feeling I can – the closest thing I can equate it to is like the first time I stole one of my mom's Marlboro Ultralights in like 2007. Yeah. It's like just – you're like, I'm smoking now. I'm cool. I'm rocking. And then you get like a nicotine high for the first time and you're like, oh, brother. And then it never never it happens for me

once a year now since then i've been chasing that dragon but now i'm just that's why i thought people smoked i was like oh they're getting high yeah yeah i yeah i remember thinking like oh dude if it's the red ones from the movies those are probably get you the most fucked up and then what my dad's my dad smokes probably gets him fucked up cause he's fucked up all the time. It's like, Oh no, it's just other stuff. But yeah, no Marlboro lights are, were like my go-to forever. And then they became like the quintessential trailer trash cigarette. So I was like, ah, maybe I'll become a camel.

Now you're too high class for that. Yeah. That's why I have a vapor balls and dances to go to. You don't want to see some lower class charlatans yeah yeah exactly we thought like marlboros were cool like in chicago because it was like yeah that's like a redneck thing and you were like you were a hipster if you smoked camels really i eventually moved on to camels. I was like – I think I was the only white guy in the country after 1978 who ever smoked Kools though. I did smoke Kools for like a few months. I tried those.

I smoked Kools XLs. They were awful. They're very harsh. They're like not quite like Paul Maul's. They're a little bit easier than Paul Maul's. But they're in the same league, for sure. Paul Malls were like, if I had $4.78 in my checking account, and that was exactly what a pack of Paul Mall Reds cost,

I wouldn't go buy some vegetables or rice or beans to make food for the week. I would just go buy the pack of Paul Malls. When I was dead fucking broke working at the bar and i just like blew through all my money and my friends like you know you have like when you're at a bar and no one wants to bum a cigarette off you like it's cool but also like what the fuck are you doing like you you hit rock bottom and you're like yeah man i got a cigarette and they're like hey is that a palm oil are you in like are you in world war like some vietnam type situation here yeah that like palm oils? Are you in, like, are you in World War, like, some Vietnam-type situation here? Yeah, that, like, palm oils are like an Alcatraz cigarette.

Did you ever, did you guys ever, like, I know, I think they still have them, actually. Remember, like, the pink camels that, like, were made specifically? Yeah, they're, like, specifically for children. That's what got me started. Yeah, I had one of those, and it was, like that I like rode skateboards with like – because Bam and him were big. So the pink and black color scheme was like cool for guys or whatever. And a lot of people just smoked that at the skate park because it was like – I don't know, like an easy way to like be cool. Like you're already smoking.

But it was like – that was like, oh, you're smoking the pink and black brand? Dope old are you 12 absolutely yeah you rock those were yeah were they like flavored differently or was it just uh it's just like lighter this weird like it yeah i don't know actually you know what i have candy in there would be nice it was like a little there was like kind of like a a little bit of a sweet taste to it yeah and it was way lighter it was like definitely for children yeah but yeah like underage like like you know like trailer trash bar tard girls like yeah xanax addicted 18 16 year olds yeah there was this like really hot girl in our class who like I think like maybe did like me and I was just like stupid.

Yeah. I like thought that anytime like a girl like me, it was like, oh, they're going to plot. It's still a way for them to plot against me to make fun of me somehow. Hey, check out this loser I fucked. Yeah, I didn't like fuck anyone in high school because

i didn't think that would happen you're being fucking plotted operation valkyrie fucking cool girls yeah well she was like yeah i yeah she like was dating some like you know i uh some guy who is like 20 in his 20s classic stuff you don't like process it at the time but yeah oh that guy's like a pedophile yeah yeah yeah but yeah she's yeah she was like kind of like hipstery and i remember like she smoked number nines and to impress her i basically started yeah i would like nice i would like it's such an honorable thing to do yeah yeah and i just like also like was afraid to talk to her kind of yeah but was doing like when you have like no money you're spending like half the money you have on yeah fucking pink cigarettes how many how many

decisions and personality choices have been made in pursuit of pussy i'm gonna go and say 97 yeah and the thing that girls actually like is when you like don't care about anything you like don't give it that's why me and all my friends are nihilists is because it's like we just pull it in you know it's like we can't even we don't even care that we are but thomas showed me his little black book it was like we can't even we don't even care that we are but thomas showed me his little black book it was like pickup lines and they were all quotes from the gay science from nichi yeah but they still work so it's not even like that big of a deal like if it yeah you should do pickup artist stuff but like as a edgy like nihilist guy like become a youtuber yeah i could but i just don't even care enough to do that. It's so crazy.

So you said like the so parliaments were like the hipster cigarette when I like all my throat Austin like living in Austin like. Yeah. It was also popular among coke heads for like the. Oh, yeah. You could put it in the little recessed filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, whenever you, like, I remember when I first moved there at like 18 and I was doing stand-up. I met like a 33-year-old lifer at this bar who was doing the open mic at the bar he worked at that I was doing. And he had parliaments and put them in a bag of blow and did a bump on the filter.

And in that moment, I was like, this is the coolest guy. He's living the dream, coolest guy he's a fucking comic he does cocaine out of his cigarettes and then like two or three years later i was like that guy is probably is dead like right now like there's no way he's still alive but just like go ahead sometimes like those guys have a way of holding on it's like incredible i have so many people who i'm like yeah that guy's fucking dead and they're like yeah posting they're like new dogs and shit like they're not planning to die for another 10 years i i don't know blake midget from page 99 but i'm a big page 99 fan

and i've heard a lot of lore about him uh like through through a number of different podcasts and people i know in new york and when i found out he was like i'm a big fan of the band and when i found out like those worlds collided and he's still alive i was like that is absurd that's crazy but it was one of those guys that like you just assume like yeah i mean you know i know a couple guys in big bands and when i was in austin too and then like they're either dead or they're like they sell like computers to the government now there's no in between but some guys just hang on and get dogs and like rent houses until they're dead yeah i only know the blake stuff from come town but like that's like if they were like i would pay a fifty thousand dollar tier for only things about like regional comedians and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like lives like backstories on like different guys that they met or like that like because whenever like one of them or I guess like Nick talks about like like a story about a guy from Austin that like, you know, wore leather jackets

and did just Bill Burr bits and he was autistic. I'm like, man, I think I saw that guy like this is tickling a part of my brain where it's like am i am i part of some secret puzzle it's just no it's just you know prodromal schizophrenia but uh yeah that would be a special tier for sure um the wild the the wild ramblings of like dc comics yeah no like i like the baltimore freaks in particular were my favorite but yeah no i just like i guess if there was a newspaper where it was like compiled stories across the country and it's like here's this guy's weirdest co-worker. Here's like a fucked up local comedian. He just sorted – but like not that – not like someone's kid died or something. But like a guy like – a guy made a physical mixtape for a girl 30 years younger than him.

Like stuff like that. i would yeah i would only subscribe to that newspaper like harmony corinne sub like side characters like yes yeah yeah like i dude i so like i i lived in a trailer park for a little bit like when i was a kid and there was a guy who like so the marshall no not marshall math. What was the other one? The Eminem show had just dropped, and every kid in the trailer park was wearing the white big t-shirt and had bleached their hair like shittily blonde. And like our pool in the trailer park was always like piss green because construction workers would like get off from the refineries with their fucking like ro know like roasty ass like uh back tattoo wives and go and just drink coors light on it and just piss for hours and hours and so i as a six-year-old kid would hang out on the slide next to it and all the other kids aged range from like 10 to like 25 would just rap to like like beats that they had on like a cd that would skip that they had hooked

up to like a shitty computer speaker and they would be like yeah i'm gonna make it out of we're getting out of here and i was like it wasn't until i was older i was like this is like a way less cooler than like bed style projects type situation like i was like like you're sitting there and it's like, yeah, fuck my mom and my dad too. Fuck everybody. Fuck you. And I'm like, wow, man, I got a talented group of boys here.

2001, right before 9-11 at a trailer park in Houston, Texas. And then, like, you know, you're watching documentaries about, like, yeah, Bed-Stuy and Yonkers. And you're like, man, whatever i was going through was like the fucking dollar general version like it was not even fucking close at all that's like i wish i could go back to that like that age where it's just like anyone who raps you instantly think they're good like if they rap rap for you in person you're like amazed yeah yeah well just the it's the like when i first like i first moved to austin like i thought any guy at an open mic at a fucking buffalo wild wings was like the funniest guy because i'd only seen comics on tv so like a guy goes up and he's like

yeah my kids suck and i'm gonna die soon and i was like you know like i'm going nuts and then i was doing it for like you know like you what you see good comics and now the same thing with music you play like music with good bands you're like oh yeah you're just enamored with the idea of somebody doing something yeah no exactly yeah that's kind of what me and thomas are doing with this podcast you know we're not it's just we're just doing something you know we're kind of we're just getting something done it doesn't necessarily have to be you know we're like a kind of a cover band almost you know yeah sometimes you just have to do a task yeah that's the only way you can advance in the next area is by doing a task. Yeah. I'm just doing side quests right now. Are you doing a side quest,

Thomas? Yeah, I actually just did a diagnosis on my wrist a couple minutes ago because I bent it weird flexing my forearm. I nearly broke it, I decided. That's what I'm going to be telling

people for a couple weeks. I had a near break in my wrist because I bent it weird. How did you break it? I mean, what direction did it go in? Down. I'm trying to see how it would go. I don't know. I have really thin wrists

but I've never had a problem with them I had someone yell at me not physically but they were like message requesting me like yelling at me for having thin wrists and I was like I didn't respond but I was just like I looked at my wrists and I was like

I think this is like the normal size for them to be. Not even, not huge. Just want me to get on HGH or something? I don't know. Yeah, there's nothing you can do about it. There's a guy that I train with at the gym I've been at like almost a year now. And he's like a really good uh like he's a really good jiu-jitsu guy and so he has like uh the reverse of what i you of like

the cliche like like leg day like that guy skips leg day he's like no upper body and it's just all horse haunches and it's the weirdest shit i've ever seen in my life like i'm used to seeing the distinct opposite but or the usual like the usual opposite but like i'm like training with the guy and i'm like man you gotta like do some like you don't see shit like this he doesn't look he looks like a fucking charlie brown character like i don't know what the fuck i'm looking at yeah like i well i was thinking about that today like when i was in spain like every woman was like a centaur and i don't know why like they had huge asses and legs and just like normal like range of ways for upper body yeah it was like i don't know if that's because like no one in that country like has a job and they just walk everywhere.

I don't know. I couldn't figure it out. I don't know. I was in Europe and the only thing I noticed about French girls was that the hairy leg thing was not true. Like in the States, especially in Texas, everybody in Europe has some freakish problem that is disgusting maybe it's true i don't know turns out they're just european and that's the main yeah yeah they nobody really i don't know it what i found so i was in paris and everybody there's rude like the way some new yorkers are rude but in the countryside they're really nice but but the city just stinks.

Way worse than any city I've ever been in. Paris just stinks like shit. I don't know why. Probably because Thomas knows. You want to share why? I know why. You want to share why?

They need to clean up those streets, is what they need. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to... Thomas joined the Marine Le Pen French movement, whatever the fuck her thing's called. Yeah. It's like Newsies over there, but with a bunch of guys in their 30s. Yeah, no, it's... They need a precinct captain in Texas.

Yeah. It's funny to go to like – like having been all over the – like people always joke about how it's like four different states in one. And I guess to some extent it is, but like where I'm from on like the Gulf Coast area, like you don't say – it's far enough from Houston to where you shouldn't say you're from there. But like no one knows what like Pasadena, Texas is. It's just refineries for like 25 miles and then like contaminated waterways. So I'm just like, yeah, I guess I live like in Houston. That's what I've been telling people like forever. But I don't and never have.

It's just like a shithole on the outside area of it. Yeah, it's like I always tell people I'm from Dallas if they're not from Texas, and I live like an hour and a half from Dallas. Well, isn't that the thing with Dallas anyway? It's like just like a ton of suburbs? It's like a conglomerate. I mean, because it is a metroplex, but say I'm on sort of the west side, I mean, it's, I mean, cause it is a Metroplex, but like say like, uh, I'm on the sort of the West side, I guess.

Um, I'm like West of Fort Worth. And so there's people who I could say I live in the Metroplex, even though I'm kind of on the very outskirts, but on the other side, which is like Louisville and like Colleyville, it's like, it's like an hour and 45 minutes away from me that's yeah well i mean it's i don't know when people like hey uh are you coming through dallas let's hang out like legit friends of mine not twitter people who do say stuff like hey if you're ever in frog balls arizona like i would love to have a soda with you but like people i went to college with that moved to dallas they're like have you ever come in through here and i'm like yeah i come through

one part to visit like a family friend and i'm not gonna drive an hour and a half to like wherever the fuck you're at to like have a beer and be like remember that time we got so drunk and we went to jail yeah all right cool all right yeah i'll have people be like hey i'm in houston i know you're somewhere else but like if you want to grab lunch or something i'm like yeah i can grab lunch if i leave at like three in the morning like that and then i'll drive back yeah i'm like no it's i don't see a point in that i i people i don't know if it's just like normal internet insanity or if it's just like people haven't maybe left their area of Texas, but I've gotten a couple of replies and like a couple of like D like these

DMS of like, dude, if you're ever in like, you know, like San Antonio, but like an hour North of there, I live there in a cabin. And,

uh, I really like, I love the podcast and I love your band. And, uh, I'll, you know, like if,

if you could let me like skin you like really like a lot um that would be a lot to me because i haven't been doing great because i'm dming you at 4 48 in the morning on a tuesday uh and i was wondering if we could be best friends anyways i invented a test for that you guys need this now but i invented i invented an accepting dms request this is like this is from five years of experience okay so if the person dming you there are pictures of them with other people um you're probably free to accept they're not gonna like send you it's not gonna be like hey you talked about it on this episode, and my old professor was in this war. Okay.

Or something incredible and beautiful. Yeah. But if it's just them or no pictures of them, just shitty memes or whatever, do not accept from that person because they'll like send you like four paragraphs and then they'll be like by the way i'm thinking about killing myself next week uh can you like there's some reasons i like shouldn't and you're like, well, guess I'm doing this now. Yeah, I – people – so the – there was a guy one time – so that my dad's screenshot that people just keep retweeting over and over again where he posted a screenshot – well, he sent me a screenshot of me listening to Gwen Stefani and he had a message from a group he's in on Facebook called Ray Ray's Big Fake Tits Group. and he had a message from a group he's in on Facebook called Ray Ray's Big Fake Tits Group. And I posted it, and people keep... People keep, like...

They DM me and say, oh, it's funny, but there was one time a guy, really late at night, it was like on a weekend night, I was watching UFC Fighter, I remember, he's like, hey, how do I get in? No context. And I was like, and I accepted it because I was kind of drunk, too. And I was like, fuck it. I feel like having a good time.

Whatever's going on, I'm down. I'm going to go clown with this dude. Whatever he's got going on, I'm in. And he was like, how do I get into the fucking group, dude? You know what I'm talking about. And I was like, what group, dude? Like, I thought he was talking about a group chat. Like, or a group DM.

And he was like, if you keep fucking with me you're gonna regret it i was like i was like playboy i am at a loss for words but i you know i was fucking with him i was like all right man like i know what you're talking about but you you passed the first day like i'm fucking with and he's like i want into ray ray's big fake tits group i want into the fake tits group mess because it's a message group where my dad and all of his construction buddies just send each other like pictures of big fake tits that's what the group is and that's the group he wanted access to i ended up finding out and i was like oh i'm not in that group that's my dad and he was like call your dad and and like part of me was like if this guy's joking it's this is an immediate follow. Without question.

But I was scrolling through his Twitter feed as we were having this conversation, and it was clear he was in a moment of crisis. All of them were videos of him shotgunning beers at 8 in the morning. He had just gotten laid off. And I was like, oh, I'm going to follow you to see how this ends, but I can't get you into the secret group my dad runs for big fake tits. I like, I wish, I have a lot of like insane people now who like bother me. And it's like, I wish they were like that where it's just like a linear path of insanity where it's like, yeah, they had one bad break in their life and they're just like drunk and mad at you yeah yeah now i just get like targeted individuals and shit now and

it's like depressing like it's like it's like yeah just like the like they like indescribable like they they like describe like indescribably complex and like weird and pointless plots. Like there was one today where they were like – there's like some woman who writes like pro-Gamergate articles in like 2021. I don't know. She, this person kept, like, saying that I was conspiring to have her injured and saying that we, me and a group of people left clues in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. And it was like, it was like, well, I, like, can't do anything with this. I would, like, feel bad. Yeah.

But, like, I just get so many of those now. Yeah, I mean, like. So many fucking targeted individuals. There is what, yeah, no, just, like, very just get so many of those now. Yeah, I mean, like... So many fucking targeted individuals. There is what... Yeah, no, just, like, very sordid stuff. Well, it's a work... And before quarantine, too. Yeah, it's, like, it... Because it's a relatively new phenomenon for me.

I, uh... I know there was one guy who was dead convinced. Like, he had tried... Like, and, granted, again, I did kind of fuck with this guy. I hope he's okay but like he was convinced i was like a cia asset just because i went from like 3 000 followers to 10 000 over the course of like seven months he was like he was like you he was like i know i know what you're up to like it's late at night clearly drunk guy and i was like up to what and he was like kept calling me glowy and stuff and i was like uh man um do you think i'm in the cia and he was like i don't think dude

and i was like oh man all right this is really good so i kind of like fucked with him a bit but then i realized like again you scroll through the actual twitter feed and you're like, is me teasing this guy going to contribute to some snap? Like I am not in the CIA. I would probably join the CIA if they paid me like 50 grand. Oh, yeah. It wouldn't even have to be that. I would be a janitor for the CIA, no question. I would love to just mob the floors

at the... Are they at the Pentagon? I guess they're all over. Langley, I think. No arm, they call it. That's the Chinese CIA. I would like to be the Lloyd to the Ari of the CIA. I always have a mental image of somebody's got to keep Site 4 Bob Lazar area of Area 50.

Not the fucking where they test the airplanes, but someone's got to keep that fucker clean. And it's not any fucking Mormon from the CIA or any fucking Tier 1 guy. It's probably a cleaning service. So, like, do they have, like, do they blindfold them? Do they put blinders on them? No, it's just this one black dude named Miles and he only speaks in, like, parables.

He's like, he's just trying to get, like, the code to some place and he's telling you the story about how he, like, used to work on a ranch. And it led him to his perspective. And you've got a gun to his head

and he's like, now son, I could tell you a lot of things about where you could be and all that. I was the bass player. Well, the touring, actually I was a roadie for Soul Train. For the... a roadie for souls for soul train and uh for the roadie for soul it was a tv show yeah i was a ticket taker on the soul train

i used to be the pilot on the soul plane and uh probably wondering how i got here at Area 51. Well, that's a story. And you're like, I just need the alien murder room clean. I don't really need you. I'm going to try and break into the Fort Worth comedy scene and tell people I'm a roadie for Jim Gaffigan. Be like, yeah, I actually. You like spit on his microphone.

Yeah. Yeah, I actually – You like spit on his microphone. Yeah. I have to just show him different pieces of food for him to write comedy on before he – There was an open mic here that was at a place called Mr. Tramps in Austin. And it was a fun mic to do. A lot of times just because like if you were – if you did the mic more than twice, the bartender that ran the joint would just let you run a tab up and he'd be like, ah, you're good. It's okay.

He's like an old guy. But anyway, I love to go there, not even to go up and do time, but I would love to go there because there was a lady that would come to that mic every Wednesday. And she would burn the light. They would let her burn the light. And she would burn the light. They would let her burn the light. By like eight or nine minutes. And it would be like.

She was probably like late 30s, early 40s. And she was like. Yeah, so I think about killing my kids all the time. And I think about killing my husband too. And everybody would just be silent. And I would be sitting next to the guy holding the flashlight. And I was like. And she's like two minutes past. I was like, hey, and she's like two minutes past.

I was like, hey, are you going to? He's like, no, we're going to let her go tonight, dude. Like, we're going to let her just see how far she gets. And it would be like she was talking. She basically would admit to thinking about doing Casey Anthony stuff 24-7. I grew up with that guy. It was a girl. Different guy then it was like funny for me like being like like younger at the time i just moved here to like

i just didn't know what i was getting myself into and then like i had in my mind like i'd only seen like you only see shit on hbo you see successful people i didn't realize even though i'd played in a couple bands at the time like how like desperate any creative endeavor can get especially something like stand-up you know like it doesn't matter it doesn't matter what it is like the a lot of people that are doing it are just like On the verge of just like suicide bombing Some suburb Like in South Austin somewhere That would be funnier than a lot of the material I've seen

You know if you wore like a Like a bomb vest Yeah See I got kind of a twisted sense of humor Okay Yeah. See, I got kind of a twisted sense of humor. Okay. Knock it. Even if it was a fake one but it looked real, that would be good.

What you guys should do, Felix, is you guys should do an episode of Choppa where you all have SimTech's vests on. And it's set for exactly one hour and one second. And you guys, there's no clocks in the room you just have to feel it i would have loved to have done that in london for real was london a shithole i hated it it's the worst place i've ever been and it was like in my opinion worst like live episode we've ever done is it is it just because the city is expensive or is it like because i've heard it's expensive but i didn't like is it just a shitty place to be i mean like it is expensive but it's just a shitty place to be like everyone's disgusting and in a bad mood all the time and like no they're just miserable fucking people they're just like the most miserable people on earth and the only reason the only thing they have to keep going is like

abusing polish people it was the shittiest fucking place i've ever been it was like everything bad about new york but just made worse i like i fucking hated it i hated the audience there i hated like everything there was it like a big sold-out show there was like a big audience it was big we had to do two shows but it was like just like the coldest audience i've ever seen in my life okay where was this uh london oh jake that's in england that's true but no it was like manchester was great scotland was great but like london was like we were all in a bad mood too we were all all like very mad at each other when we were in london like not like not like anything deep just like everyone was annoyed all the time it was just a bad you just entered this like you just crossed the semi-permeable membrane where you became

british in your like your temperament like you just yeah yeah like an embittered jaded like miserable cocksucker for no reason at all yeah that's exactly how it felt like my fuse was like way shorter but like the thing that happens with the fuse is just saying like some small shitty thing yeah instead of having like a big cool freak out like people respect yeah like like an american style for you it's like oh great yeah yeah no like rage tears guess everybody's mad at me now cool yeah it it would yeah i would have loved to have done the suicide vest gag at that show i uh thomas i if we keep at this, maybe we can tour like Texas Tech. We can go to Lubbock.

That'll be a fun drive. Oh my god, dude. Felix, have you been in the Panhandle before? I've never been to Texas. That's wild. Not even to Lake Austin or Houston? No, never. That's crazy. I've never been. Itxas that's why never not even to like austin or houston no never that's crazy i've

never been i like it will stay up i think i want to i want to go like just because it's like it's one place it's the only place in america i haven't been and it's like i guess we like it is funny that we've never we've done literally the everywhere except for this any anywhere in the south i was wondering little rock but not houston that would be pretty funny i like drove through little rock but like our sold out tulsa show yeah i think it would be funny if we did new zealand before we fucking did the South. Like, Houston or – yeah. I want to do it eventually though.

But yeah, I've never been. Is there – I mean – because I know that a lot of – like, it's not – a lot of bands and a lot of, like, podcasts I listen to don't do – or comics don't like to do live shows. And I've always wondered if it's because – like, how big the state is, the distance between the driving and shit. Like, the commute but like i've always wondered like why people don't come down like can you not sell tickets down here like i don't know i don't know we've never even like floated it honestly like we like every time we've come up with a tour we're like yeah let's do the midwest or like yeah the east coast or like yeah we're going to every primary state but then like it just never came up and now it's like it's been so long that it's like it would be hilarious

if we just never did this just never like the show ends and we never we never go south of like fucking baltimore but i feel like we should do it like there are a lot of people down there that listen i feel like uh shane does a lot of shows in the South, or at least he comes through here fairly often. Gillis, I mean. Yeah, no. I feel like, yeah, we would sell out. We would probably sell out in Austin.

I don't really know the geography of Texas. Wherever the other side of the state is, probably. Austin's smack dab in the middle. Yeah, yeah. Houston and Austin. Maybe San Antonio. Yeah. I know that the one time that...

So like, Stav did a Houston show and it was one of the strangest things I've ever seen in my fucking life because there was a group of guys sitting next to me that were like repeating jokes. Like they were heckling him with bits from the podcast. That's awesome. Oh, my God.

Yeah, and he stops doing stand-up, and he's like, Hey, do you guys think I'm going to, like, go back home to New York and tell Nick how funny you were, and we're going to, like, fly you out, and we're all going to have lunch together? And it got really quiet. And he was clearly fucking with them, but one guy next to me who was a part of the group, I saw a little glint in his eye. Like, for a moment he thought maybe he was. And, of course, I was like, no, motherfucker. Like, that's never going to happen.

But it got me thinking, like, is there just places you're not willing to go because of the trek? And, like, you already have to deal with the annoying people. Like, being a parasocial famous person twitter podcaster like you just don't want to i don't know i know that doesn't after london like i'll go anywhere i'll even like go to i'll even go to like montreal i don't care like i'll even deal with like french canadians it's just like we it's usually when we don't go somewhere, it's like logistic. Like we did a West Coast tour, and we could have gone to – we could have crossed over to Canada and done a show there. But it was just like you need like a visa and all this shit to do that, and it was just too short notice.

But no, like I want to do all that shit. Like at this point, I miss doing it so much. I want to do all that shit. Like at this point I miss doing it so much. Like I, I, I miss like everyone feeling like shit for like three weeks. Yeah. Being fun somehow.

I, uh, I would love to get to the, like I said, like with bands, like I've done Texas stuff, but I would love if like, if we were able to do it with the podcast,

I've, I've often wondered like, first of all, how, you know, you grow an audience to that size, like how the fuck would that happen but b like me i don't know how thomas you and i like like how would we like if we like going to little rock like going to just go to dallas we should do like we should do like abilene yeah we're doing uh walks at you today uh three of you guys that bought tickets yeah the tickets were five thousand dollars a piece by the way uh i i i don't know i was just

like i've always been curious like like with with different uh different people like what yeah is it a logistic thing but like now that i'm thinking about doing it with my band like a nationwide thing i'm excited but i'm also like i don't know man i wish this would have happened yeah like when i was younger but also maybe it doesn't matter because i haven't done it yet you know i don't know uh that's how i am with learning how to rollerblade dude please get good at like disco rollerblading. Please do it. I will too. Dude, I don't have the ankles for it. It doesn't matter. You got the haunches,

dude. You can power through. I've got little old lady ankles and then like the legs of just a Clydesdale. You've got to suffer for art. So we can wear Daisy Dukes and we can wear crop tops and we can do a duo disco. If we wear crop tops, it's going to look bad.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be rough, man. No. We're not twinkish enough. If you got really good at it, you could do it with Jacques. You could do like a singing derangements, padejo time crossover,blading thing yeah wait wait who's uh who's seeking it's been in in palma and and jock yeah yeah yeah that would be very cool uh worth like the two years of rollerblading

maybe we could do synchronized swimming like maybe rollerblading is too Maybe we could do synchronized swimming. Like maybe rollerblading's too hard and we all do like I get scared when I'm underwater. I lose focus. But I can stay under there a long time. How long?

Maybe Come on spit it out. I would say in the minute range. that's not very long at all dude okay i'm saying in the range in that if i come on here and say oh three minutes that's gonna be a lie i think i don't know if it's i feel like two would be lying i don't think i can i think i don't think i can do two minutes three minutes is is definitely a lie. I feel like two is like if you're an elite athlete. I want to say a minute and 30 seconds.

Maybe to 45. But two minutes, I don't think I can get there. You can't hold your breath for 50 seconds. You guys ever hold your breath until you pass out? Yeah. It's called whippets. You ever done whippets? No. Well, yes, but

one time in middle school, I was doing this holding your breath contest with a couple friends in art class. And me, I don't like losing. And so I don't know how long I held it, but I got to the point where I had to keep the blood. Like I had to flex my neck because – You were doing like fighter pilot hooking to like not pass out yeah like i had the full vein like the y going down anyway so i full-on pass out and smash my head against the corner of the table and then i wake up and immediately start denying that i passed out but i like was seizing up, apparently.

And then there was a rumor around the whole school that I faked a seizure in art class. You had a real one. Well, I don't remember that happening, so I'd still deny it to this day. Because that sounds like a female trait.

I had a friend of mine, we were passing around the Whippet canister and he took too many and quite legit, he was standing, we were on my porch. Yeah. And he's standing and he's like, so yeah man, like I called in to work already, so I don't even

and he stops talking and he locks up because he like took a big one in the middle of a sentence and he locks up because he like took a big one in the middle of a sentence. And he locks up, seizes out, pisses himself just a little bit though. Like he was unconscious enough but stopped his piss. And then comes to and he's like, yeah, so I called in and like they're mad. I called in and we were like all concerned. We're like, hey, did you just have a seizure?

And he goes, no. He's like on the ground though. Like he's on the ground in like a clearly uncomfortable position. We were like, you just had a seizure and he goes no and he's like on the ground though like he's on the ground in like a clearly uncomfortable position we were like you just had a seizure man i was like you should probably stop doing whippets and he was like why would i stop doing whippets it's my day off and i was like you just told me you called in so it's not your day off you're supposed to be at work and he's like yeah but i didn't have a seizure though it's like i was like dude we all saw you do it well somebody has a snapchat video of it. He's like, yeah. Anyway, we bring it up now.

Five years later, we show him the video. He's like, yeah, I don't know why. That's not real. What do you mean it's not real? We didn't CGI you losing consciousness from nitrous oxide gas. Guys can't have seizures. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they can. We just start doing the stanky leg

sometimes yeah no yeah seizures are for that's like mostly a girl thing yeah it's sort of it's like migraines or like getting like sad you know when girls like go to the bathroom together when you're at like a bar or restaurant they're going to the bathroom together to have seizures they love to make them feel good i've been like uh like out with my girlfriend's friends like this like before covet and like they're like yeah i'm gonna go to the bathroom and they're like all seven of them i'm the only guy they get up and go and you're i'm just left there with like nine vodka sodas and like and i'm sitting there and they're in there for like 15 minutes and you're like i'm just a guy right now if somebody comes outside to smoke

a cigarette i'm a guy at a table with nine half full drinks and they're cold they're not watered down so it just looks like i'm having the worst possible day that a man can have. And it's like, no, I, I have friends. I promise me, I promise you,

I have friends. They're just not here in this moment. There should be like when girls do that, like if you're in a girl heavy group, they should like give you like an adult version of the kids menu with like games and stuff on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Uh, give you like an adult version of the kids menu with like games and stuff on it yeah yeah yeah okay uh yeah um

with like the like like oh so what are we talking about here we talking actual like little mazes or just like drinks and like like little fun oh like mate like mazes like find the words but the words would be bigger because like you're not a kid anymore oh okay the words but the words would be bigger because like you're not a kid anymore oh okay okay yeah and the maze would be considerably more difficult

something a very smart rat would be able to solve yeah exactly exactly like an enrichment tool yeah yeah you should be able to like a lot there should be like a light you can put on your table for it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a pink light. Yeah. They have like a – oh, man. Now I want to open a bar that's just in the cigarette machine from like the 80s. It's just Camel No. 9s. They have the maze tool. They have the pink light at the table.

And then like if you're a guy with a big group, you get to order I guess what I would just call the jug. And it's like 115-ounce Stein. And you can put whatever you want to order I guess what I would just call the jug. And it's like a 115 ounce stein. And you can put whatever you want to in there. That would be great. Yeah, and it's seven bucks. Yeah. You can get like any combination of beer and soda that you wanted. Yeah, you could do a full suicide.

You could do a real one if you wanted to. What if they, at the beginning of the night, they gave you a gun but it was empty. And if you drank like five of those, they'd give you one bullet at the beginning of the night they gave you a gun but it was empty? And if you drank like five of those, they'd give you one bullet at the end of the night. Yeah, you make a deal with a bartender. It's called the Texas Challenge. So what it is is that if you drink 24 beers, you get one bullet for the Beretta 9 mil.

But only if you're in a group of eight or more women. I think if you can take down 30 drinks in a night, you should be allowed to kill yourself in there. Yeah. Every drink or beer after 30 is one more bullet. 30 is just the catch-all. If you want to do a fucking Chris Benoit

type situation at that Buffalo Wild Wings, you can make that call if you want. You've earned your keep. You've got your picture on the wall of fame and that's the thing too that's like if this was the only way to get bullets then like it would give people an adequate warning to like leave a place before a mad shooting yeah it'd be like oh he's on beer number 37 he's planning something yeah so he had the one bullet for himself three beers ago and he got the second one which could have just been for his wife but he's on beer 37 so he's planning something yeah so he had the one bullet for himself three beers ago and he got the second one which could have just been for his wife but he's on beer 37 so he's clearly we're talking numbers here also great incentive for the bar to sell drinks and make money

yeah dude yeah exactly if it's like if you marketed it towards like schizophrenics where you like sort of imply they're like hidden messages in the bar. Yeah. And like all your enemies are there. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Like Greg Abbott would actually support this. If you put it into legislation, he'd be like, why didn't I think of this? Yeah. And you wouldn't even have to give him lobbying money.

He would be like, yeah, I'm down. Like, let's try it. Felix, did you ever work like at bars before you, like, any side job? Like, are you in college or anything? Yeah, no, when I was in college, I was a bouncer at a bar. Same. So, like, there were, I don't know if this is the same way, like, in New York. I'm sure that it fucking is.

But, like, I would go to a new bar to, like, work the floor or, like, work door or bounce or whatever. And I would see a dress code on the door. And it would be like, no Jordans, no, no jerseys, no sagging shorts. And like,

I remember going up to one of the managers and I was like, Hey, um, what's with the, is that like a dress? What's with the dress code? And he was like, yeah,

we just like, if you're wearing that, you can't come in here. And I was like, Oh, so you can't say what you need and want to say that you like, yeah, we just like if you're wearing that, you can't come in here. And I was like, oh, so you can't say what you need and want to say that you like you feel you need to. But it's like it was a frat bar. No one was like it was like a bar specifically and exclusively for like UT, like rich daddy's money, like fraternity guys. And they were the ones that caused all the problems.

I would have absolutely welcomed a guy in a FUBU jersey. Yeah. Air Force Ones. There was a bar, like, a few blocks away from ours that did have a dress code like that. Like, just openly racist like that. Yeah, they just don't want you to go there with your uncles. Yeah. Anti-uncle policy.

Anti-janitor policy. They're like, but we didn't have that. And, like, it was sort of, it was weird. There was, like, a B-tier law school near that bar. And they're also, it was, like, I forget what it was called. It was, like, we were, like, practically on the campus of that law school. But, like, we also, we were near a bunch of other schools we were near like mcallister and st thomas like all these minnesota schools and yeah like most of the problems were caused by like i would say like

half of all the people i kicked out were like people from north dakota who worked on the rigs shit and like just came we're like yeah all right we're going to saint paul to party which is like awesome yeah fuck yeah dude and like i remember yeah like it was that or just like you know shitheads who like washed out of college wrestling and then just like get drunk every night i want to shoot double legs on anybody within a 10-foot radius. Yeah. Yeah. We, like – yeah. I remember there were these, like, just, like, two, like, North Dakota, like, loser dudes I threw out. One of them, like, bit me, but, like, I, like, sort of, like – I had him in, like, a Schultz headlock kind of. Yeah.

Without, like, choking him, but I was, like, throwing him out, and when I got him out, his friend was just just like standing behind behind me yelling at me while i was doing this like not doing like when fucking mo throws out mo throws uh throws about the bar and then like he just appears behind uh yeah fucking appears behind him yeah and but when i got them out they're like oh you fucked up we know where you work now and it's like what are you gonna do just come here again yeah it's like they didn't fucking come there again in five years if you still work here and you better not be but i'll be back and i'll have two more friends with me i got laid off the rig because a reduction of force to everybody so what's happening is when I come back around these parts, seven to eight years from now when they open up a shell joint,

me and you are going to have words. I will be 45 years old, and one of my knees will be bad. But you think on what you've just – Dude, I would go out with some of those guys. So, like, we would – Yeah, I bet you would. Yeah, dude, I'm sick and fucking tired of you. This fucking asshole, dude. I'm sick and fucking tired of you. This fucking asshole.

You've been waiting a whole like 50 minutes for that. Just to fuck me. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, you saw it in the script. You guys have a master doc for every episode. It's all scripted. Yeah, no.

It's like, well, we thought about just shooting the shit, but it's like, dude, that's – man, too many podcasts do that, and they've already found success. It's no longer in each market. So have a big google doc called thomas's roasts and then he has one called jake's stupid stories and we just merge them yeah together to speak every 15 minutes usually yeah sometimes i break protocol but most of the time i just look at my phone but yeah like we would we would work like we were contracted to work like uh five days a week like 10 hour days but there's no like unions in texas at all and if you're in one it's like you're there by name only and like good luck finding work outside of like that union or whatever so our union shop so anyway we would work 13 14 fucking days in a row straight like 12 hour

days and i would be too tired but i would go out for a couple beers but these guys would be we would work 13, 14 fucking days in a row straight, like 12 hour days. And I would be too tired, but I would go out for a couple of beers. But these guys would be like, like the next day would be like, what's good, like a fatigue day. So like you would get like that Sunday to like rest or that Thursday or whatever. And you're back at the fucking plant. And they would be like, we're going to stay out. And all, all, all night we're going back to my house.

We're going to party. And then all day through Sunday, and then we're going to go to work Monday at 4 in the morning. And I was like, yeah, you guys have fun with that. I'm going to drink half a 40, smoke one hit of weed, have a panic attack, jack off, and go to bed for 17 hours. Man, it's so awesome when you power through the too high panic attack and are able to jack off. It's like, this is why I did it in the first place. Exactly. attack and are able to jack off it's like this is why i did it in the first place exactly it reminds me of being like when i first smoked weed when i was a teenager and like there was no panic because i hadn't had like you don't have any thoughts yeah you

yeah no there's just it's nothing and then like now i smoke weed like i have one hit of weed and i'm like all right there's an 80 chance i going to go insane and feel terrible for three hours. But there's a 20% chance that I'm going to watch Idiocracy and Beavis and Butthead do America in that order three times each and then jack off and go to bed and sleep so soundly. And it's a fucking – the house usually wins. Nine times out of ten, I sit on the couch and freak the fuck out for like two hours. I have an amazing thing to tell you. Yes, go ahead. So I was turned on to this thing by my guy at my local vape shop.

Yeah. And it's this – there's this CBD that's just like weak weed. Delta AIDS? Yeah, dude. Dude, I've been smoking it. It's perfect. It's perfect. It feels like Reggie in 2011 dude it's like it's so good like it's the exact it's exactly where i want to be exactly no i know what you're talking about dude but my concern is the following

is is that i was a teenager when around k2 dropped and the and the spiel the pitch was basically the same oh it's just kind of weed, but the chemical was altered and then you spray it on a bunch of herbs and you get high. This is actually weed, but I'm like, am I smoking just K2 chemicals, like a stock somebody sprayed on some CBD? What am I – I don't know. I still smoke it, but I am – Yeah.

I'm a little concerned as to what it actually is. I'm sure it's fine. I'm trying not to think about that. And it's like, if it is killing me, it's like, I mean, there's really only like four more years I could be doing what I'm doing until it's like embarrassing. Yeah. Like to be in like, yeah, my early to mid 30s being me. And it's like, well, solve early to mid-30s being me. And it's like, well, solve that problem.

Yeah. What are you, 27? Took care of that. 28? No, I'm 30. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it's – Thomas has a great benefit of being 21 and me being 27. So he's got three to five years with me, and then he'll be 24, 26. He could find another guy.

Yeah, no. He has multiple phases of this. He could find another guy. Yeah, no. He has multiple phases of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It helps if people already think I'm like 35 a lot of the time. So, like – No, I get that respect without really earning it. And so, you know.

Grown man respect. The nod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I want to – Like, I do smoke Delta-8. eight don't get me wrong the edibles don't do anything for me i will say i have not tried those i just i've never had a good experience with edibles ever i'm too cocky dude i do the thing that newbies do even though i was like in every point of my life since i was a teenager i was no newbie to weed i would be like these edibles suck.

You made these? And the guy would be like, yeah, don't eat a second one, man. Have patience. But I'm like a microwave mentality kind of guy. I need it then and now. So I would eat a second one and then 30 more minutes would go by and I'd be like, dude, this sucks. I'm barely high. And I would eat like two more and I would get munchies from the first one and just eat a fifth one.

And then two hours in, my friends are like, Hey, we're going downtown. We're going to go to six street. And I'm like, I am going to go to church like in three hours. Like when the sun comes up this Sunday, I will be at mass. I'm going to be, I'm not Catholic, but I'm going to mass. And then I'm going to the 11 a.m. Southern Baptist service, which is my people. And then I'm going to the evening service. I'm never doing service, which is my people, and then I'm going to the evening service. I'm never doing drugs again, and of course, you know, that's never true.

But every edible experience I've had has been that one. I get too cocky, and I don't wait for time to pass. I'm too impatient. Yeah, sometimes I'll just drink like 10 glasses of water in 30 minutes, and then I'll go out on the freeway and hit like 110 and just close my eyes for a while. It's a similar rush. You piss yourself too?

That's a yes. What? I'm literally looking at... I don't know if this is the Gatorade I grabbed this morning or the one that's been here for like two months but I'm going to take a sip. You drank a Powerade that you said had been there for three episodes like two weeks ago.

You're like, was that bad? That was a bad one? I just got a kick to it. Let me tell you. It'll ride. It'll be alright. Goddamn. So last time I was in New York, it was like this really like y'all had a it was 2019 it was like one degree outside i was 265 pounds and really really fat and on a ton of

drugs and uh i just thought of this we were talking about weed but i was on the subway and i come out of the subway and into the biting cold wind chill was like negative one or something my roommate's next to me and he was sober at that point of the year and he goes hey man are you sweating and I was like I was like wait what and I like I just did one of the hand across the brow and I was pouring sweat and he was like dude um so I dropped my water on the ground waiting for this cab. And in two minutes it froze to slush. So you're sweating. And I was like, yeah, I don't know, man. I'm just kind of hot right now. And he's like, it's not possible for you to be.

And he was like, it was like every time before that my friends tell me that I was fat. I was like, dude, I put on a little bit of weight. And they're like, no. And I'm like, fuck you, man. It's just a little bit. And it was that moment I was like dude I put on a little bit of weight and they're like no and I'm like fuck you man it's just a little bit and it was that moment I was like I am pouring sweat heaving and hoeing just standing in the biting winter cold in New York City it's one degree outside and that's that's like the thing that sucks about getting fat like that you get really hot you just run like if it wasn't for that i wouldn't care yeah i wouldn't like i would just like get really fat but like the fact that you're hot all the time

like i'm already like run higher temperature than normal yeah yeah if i gained like 50 pounds i would just be soaked all the time and it's like they should change that yeah there should be a pill you could take i guess it's blood thinners. I don't know. Yeah. Like I remember going to my doctor at the time and he was like – and I'm the type of guy even when I had health insurance, like it was still expensive and I would only go once every two years. And it was the same doctor I had been seeing since I was like 19 and he was like, how old are you now? And I was like, I'm 24.

And he was like, all right, so you came in here at 22 and you were 185 what do you weigh now and i was like 265 he was like nice so like you drinking and i'm like yeah i black out every night drugs and i'm like i do a gram of cocaine every two days – A gram? You did a gram every two fucking days? I was pretty bad there for a minute, yeah. God damn. Yeah, yeah. I was – That's so much.

Well, I was like – My friends were casual college users, and I was like, yeah, man. College is cool. And I would just mow down an eight ball in like an hour and a half. And they were like, yeah, you're built different than we are, buddy. We're just going to see fucking flume and like washed out and like taking a little key bump it's like but anyway like i he was like you know have you ever thought about like losing weight or getting healthier or quitting drugs and i was like not once man have i this was like two years ago now but like and i haven't done

anything like that in a long time but like it was funny the point i brought up is like i really that's what i realized i was fat is that i was in dangerous temperatures like you can't stay out too long even in a coat and hand stuff if you're not used to this and you will get sick and i was pouring i was pouring sweat dude yeah i like yeah man I remember like I was like a fat child. Yeah. After I turned like – after I turned like, yeah, 13 or so, I was like a pretty fat child. And like I remember once like being in a car with my friends. It was one of their birthdays.

Yeah. And like it was just like – I'd'd say, like, yeah, like, March in Chicago. So, like, not warm but not necessarily, like, super cold. And my window on the minivan was the only one that was fogged up. Like, the one that was right next to me. Yeah, it was awful. Yeah, I, like, I've been dating my current girlfriend now for, two years, and when we got together, I had lost like 25 pounds. I got down to like, you know, 240, 235, and we would be like in bed together, and she was like, not fucking, dude, just laying, fucking God.

Gross. Thomas only fucks guys, so he's just disgusting. I'm about to start crying. She would be like, I have to go. I'm going to go sleep on the couch. I'd be like, why? And she's like, because being near you is like being near a fucking radiator. It's like you.

And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, I'm sweating. It's fucking cold in my apartment and you – and I was like, dude, you guys are making me feel bad. You're saying that I sweat and I run hot when it's cold? And they're like, yeah, because probably your blood pressure is like 300 over 250, dude. You just need to stop eating calzones and drinking like three Mad Dogs a day. Just tamper it down to one and half a calzone but uh now i'm you know me and thomas we're fitness enthusiasts so yeah i uh we're we're moving into the industry i guess you could say yeah in terms of fitness influencers

well you're moving into the child selling industry, you were telling me. Yeah, well, that's more profitable. You got to do something to actually pay your bills. Your fallback plan, yeah, I feel you. Yeah, but selling pre-workout and stuff is also good. Pre-workout is good for you. Most people won't agree with that, but you look at most people who do pre-workout,

probably easily 30 of them are in good shape they're all marines they're all like tier one guys yeah the thing where like i drink mr hide and i have to like sit down like a pain in my side five minutes before i can work out yeah it's like that's toxins leaving they like lead you through your liver it's like burning sage kind of yeah dude i love dude i go absolutely nuts because like i'll buy i've been buying the same pre-workout for like a long time and but like when i i'll click on an ad that i'll get and the way instagram works is that's the ads you're gonna get now dude the ones that are like insane fucking felon murderer rapist powder for fucking psychopaths like and it's like a clip of a guy who's just like clearly on trend and winstraw at the same time and he's just got delts

like fucking like they were glued on him and he's like if you want to get a fucking intense guantanamo bay black site workout you'll pay 80 for this starburst flavored amphetamine salt that i kind of got past the fda but not really and i those yeah i love those yeah yeah we're just yeah it's just called like home invasion it just like fucking hurts you yeah yeah chris yeah chris benoit it's like a clown smoking a cigarette and you're like oh man like you're like how much is this 85 bucks yeah i really i've been feeling lazy at the gym lately i'll spend 85 dollars on this i like i i like didn't used to do it when i was like 22 and going to the gym i would just like drink coffee and take like the bcaa's i always took and now it's like i need it and i like i feel like i

don't just need it to work out i feel like if i like even if i won't go to the gym i should drink it three times a week at least or my body will start dying like i'm gonna need to take it for the rest of my life it's like uh it's like omega fatty acids kind of in a way yeah because yeah it teaches your body how to cleanse itself of things like you know carbons you know yeah stuff like that um contaminants um and just bad energy you know yeah um people don't think about how much total war uh relapse addiction can can do for your mental health yeah well that's like that's how you know your body is doing well is when it just it just like there's just like a brown wet streak that you shit into the toilet and it somehow gets on the entire back of the bowl.

Like going up towards the rim. Yeah. That's just – it's so fucked up when I drink free workout and I do that because it's like what were the physics of that? It has to have come out so hard. It shouldn't be possible by like basic rules of the universe that like I have poop on the rim where my ass crack starts. Yeah. Like I – oh, man, dude. that like i have poop on the rim where my ass crack starts like oh man dude i fucking uh um i was at the gym and it was like sparring day and it was it was like two weeks before lockdown and i was thinking i was like that shit's not even real fuck you i'm there and i

took my pre-workout and i like dude i can't i'm such a fiend for nicotine that i will rip my i would rip my joe's jeweling at fiend for nicotine that i will rip my i would rip my joe's jeweling at the time i ripped my jewel like five times before i go do heavy sparring because i'm you know and the pre-workout hits and like three big dragon cloud nicotine hit hits my lower intestine at the same time and i hear like the coach is like if you're in the bathroom wrapping your hands or putting your shin pads on or whatever the fuck you're doing, change it. Come out now. Like we're doing this shit.

Like hurry the fuck up. And I just got poop in my stomach like that moment. Oh, no. So I'm like – I'm like – and he's not strict, but he's not like – if you're in the bathroom for 15 minutes, like he won't let you like – like if you're – he's like, what the fuck, man? Like are you eating like shit? Like whatever. So I like just closed my eyes and flexed myads and just, like, I just tried to like, just at the same time and like all at once.

And I was successful, but like, I got up and like, there was a, the same way you're compelled to look at a car crash in the freeway that, you know, like, yeah, I was just going to do a behind the back i don't want to see this handle crank and walk away and then just hit myself a couple time ready we're good to go i turned around and it was like the color of the pre it was like a sickly blue and like brown mud and i was like jeez i was like i was like wow i feel great in the sense that i can definitely go more rounds but i don't feel great and that that should not happen to a human man's body that's like yeah that's good that's in shape or that's getting or trying to get in shape at

least the worst is like like the ones where it's like the fact that you know it was burning because it's like burning your asshole yeah you residually feel your stomach burning your body is realizing like oh that was like in me yeah yeah i have ibs so almost all of them are that way but i also love spicy food i'm god's fucking tier one operator dude like i love hot i love it dude yeah but i i'm i have a fucking i have a coward stomach i think ibs is is also female women exclusive well you know i'm in touch with my feminine side so maybe you should just like try a little harder yeah well i'm um i like i started like i gained like 35 pounds at the start of quarantine last year and i like i had one of those times where it's just like you're fat for like several months and don't realize it because it's just like you're not seeing anyone but i just like saw my face on

zoom one day and it was like three times the width that it like normally is yeah i remember it in my mind so i was i was like oh yeah i got really fat and i like yeah i weighed myself and it's like 250 and i was like well well we got a project not going anywhere what do you walk around at usually i'm like usually 220 215 okay i'm like way heavier than people think. I'm very dense. How tall are you? I'm 6'1". We're all roughly the same height. It would be funny if you were like

5'6", 230. Somehow had that build. The way you started that sentence, I thought you were going to say 5'5", 270. Yeah, yeah. Tank Abbott. I'm going to start saying to'5", 270. 5'5", yeah, yeah. I'm building Tank Abbott. I'm going to start just saying to people who have just a completely regular build, I'm like, what are you, like 5'2", like 320?

They're like, no, dude. Why would you say that? No, you just look like a regular – like that's just – you just kind of seem like a regular build. There's a guy back home I hang out with. It's like a part of the like friend group from high school and his name's alex he's six four he'll do this thing at part like he started fist fights before where he will go up to guys and like they'll be bullshit and somebody inevitably

asks how tall he is because he's he's past six three it's all people can talk about you know yeah yeah he goes on he goes on six feet even And guys who are like six foot, who are right there, guys like me, they're like, no, dude, you're like six five. And he's like, dude, I don't know who's measuring you, bro, but you've got to be like five eight, dog, like max five nine. And they're like, no, they're like, pull out your fucking license right now, bitch. You're six four at least. And he's like, I ain't pulling out shit for you, fucking manletly ass motherfucker i'm sorry you're five nine and you've been lying your whole life like you lie to girls too and they're like no like they they he did it to me and i was ready dude i was like i'm six feet i'm six feet

barefoot i don't want to hear it fuck you and he's like you know i'm fucking with you you know you've seen me do this and i'm like i know you're fucking with me but it ain't for you right now because you're doing it for me but like he like i've seen like people come to push and shove where he was like dude i'm sorry that you've been telling girls on bumble that you're six foot and you're really 5'10 it's not my fucking problem you need to cool it and they're like i'm like dude somebody's gonna kill you motherfucker this is like like there are things you don't talk about religion sex politics and guys who are actually exactly six feet telling them they're 5 11 don't fuck around like that is like head kick territory yeah i yeah i um yeah i i think i'm like actually like six and like

actually like six and like four fifths about that it's like pretty much yeah whatever yeah whatever i'm yeah whatever i'm not changing it now i've been saying six one for so long yes yeah and it's like closer to that than it is to six flat i think there's like i mean it's just like guys being dudes but it is funny like like guys who've told me like they're six feet like friends of friends like we'll be all hanging out and it's like oh like i'm like yeah i'm like like guys i spar with for example who like i'm trying to cut weight so i compete in july and like a 155ers they're like yeah i'm like the only six foot 155 or like in the southwest region that's competing right now and i'm like okay i'm six foot and I'm barefoot. And you, I'm like, you're five, nine.

And these are guys that are like fight for a living. And they're like, no, I, I went to the doctor and they put me on the, like, these are guys are in their late twenties. They're prime of their life.

They don't need to, they don't need to prove anything to a guy who trains really hard for seven months and then rediscovers chicken wings and quits boxing. That's how I've been for the last 10 years of my life. They have nothing to, they have fucking like nine and two type guys you know and they're like i'm telling you right now that when the when my doctor gives me my dinosaur lollipop and tells me to get on the fucking stool that i'm six feet even and i'm like man i i don't know buddy they're like me and

you today motherfucker i just get my ass whooped but like it's just a matter of two inches but it's like people go insane it's kind of like thomas you know like you're what five five and a half on the penis area but you tell everybody you're you know what if i was that'd be very matter yeah would that be a big deal because there's probably a lot of people who are around that and it's not even that big of a deal for them but uh no i thought I was six foot even for like a year and then I'm like 5'11", but it's okay. It's the same thing. It's like it doesn't,

if I was secretly 5'10 and didn't know it, that would be a game changer. Every time you come over from now on to do video stuff or we hang out when you fall asleep i'm going to shave like half an inch off your feet calluses from your work boots and you're just slowly going to become five nine over the course of this podcast yeah it's fine because i have like i mean you've seen me i have like the build of a 5'6 dude. I can adjust. It's fine. My legs are the length of a short woman's legs. And then I have the torso of an NBA player.

We talked about this last episode. I got too drunk in the last. So our Zoom crashed. And I got too buzzed towards the end and the last 17 minutes that we like re-recorded I was like skimming through and it was just him and I talking physiques and heights and body fat percentages for like

I mean I just had like a glass of tea that's just that's just me the things I like to talk about I'm like you know what would be crazy is if somebody had long legs and then their stomach was short and they had a long neck and a medium-sized head and then medium arms too and people are like dude i need to pay like five dollars

that's kind of my build i have like i have i have a gorilla's exact build that's why i like them i'm uh i'm like i said i'm like at a healthy weight i'm just long i'm just lanky as fuck like i'm just long like when i'm yeah i'm 265 now but like i'm 190 now and i could still 195 and i could still probably like 170 is the goal and i would probably be fine at 170 but if i really wanted to cut and be a fucking piece of shit to myself, I could be one of those, like, Max Holloway types, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm, that's just how I kind of am. Like, I could.

Well, that, that's, like, it's, like, awesome to do Muay Thai when you're like that. Like, it's. Yeah, that's why I have, like, some success in sparring. Like, I want, like, I, when guys are, like, 5'88 and strong as shit i don't like getting hit by those guys but it's it's very easy to do muay thai or like dutch style kickboxing when you're like yeah a guy who's like six foot or a little over and like 170 like it's just it's kind of your sport i would never i hate jujitsu because i suck at it but like like i jujitsu can be if you get like long and strong like if you do like a lot of like clean and jerks and a lot of uh like body weight stuff you could like really do well jiu-jitsu

like that's i did i was like pretty good at it just because i have really long arms yeah but like it's yeah no i did both yeah nice nice nice i've only ever done nogi i just don't like the i never liked the fucking the key made me way better at nogi that's what i heard i prefer doing it nogi like for sure i was like no be growing up what was he like we used to go fishing he was was a crazy guy. How old was he when you were friends with him? Um, six. I really wanted you to be like 58 years old. Japanese man. That was the only name he gave me.

He worked, uh, he was an electrician. Oh, shit. He wore a name tag that said Nate, but I wasn't supposed to call him that I don't know fucking A yeah the lightest I've gotten like as an adult is like 190 195

like I'm very like densely packed I was doing Muay Thai I was doing muay thai when i was doing muay thai like four times isn't there a guy like he he's like the there's a dude out there that runs a gym that like i know trains a lot of the podcasters and comics i think his name is diego i don't know i don't know diego i never trained with him but i did uh there's this dude paul and uh his brother quinn quinn uh was a like pretty like had a pretty like good like long mma career okay and um they i i trained with them a couple times here but i like really haven't done it here i i like fucked up my back early this year, and it turns out I have, like, four or five herniated discs.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. No, but, like, I thought I couldn't lift anymore, but my friend Aaron, people might follow him, Bertobo, on Twitter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's brilliant with all this stuff, and he, like, told me about this book, The Gift of Injury. And I've just been, like, I changed a few things and like i can lift again but i am i'm like definitely afraid to do muay thai again well i have my backside fucked up but i really want to i'm not i'm that way with jiu-jitsu where i've torn i've torn and separated

my right shoulder so many times like my ac joint my rotator cuff my labrum where it's like now if i'm not like if somebody dives on it and cranks it it'll just dislocate and I can't train for like six weeks and I can't and I can't afford the surgery and so like like with anything striking related like I just I I learned to fight southpaw and so like yeah I don't do a lot of work with my right hand I'll just switch stances from orthodox to throw power with the left or whatever but like uh people I'll spar with or or like why don't you ever throw your right hand? And I'm like, because it barely works. Like it will just slip out.

Like I'll throw a hook and it will go click. And then I'm like I can't fight for like five weeks. I can't lift. I can't do anything. And that happened years and years ago. And I remember when I went to talk to a doctor, he was like the surgery is 50-50. A lot of people come out worse. And he was like it's also like very expensive you have to

like they anchor it to your perfect surgery yeah yeah they like anchor it to your rib cage so it doesn't grow all fucked up and then like they like weight the anchor so it like doesn't grow what's what's happened to me where like i have a a clear deformity in my shoulder where it like you can tell it's been separated a bunch of times because the muscles grew all fucked up but um anyway you know that's just a part of being a dude you get fucked up you fuck your muscles up yeah yeah i've actually got a part of my spine that i can't feel most of the time and what the thing about that is it's in the middle of the spine and most people don't think about it but as long as both ends work you're usually good yeah you know um you just get you just got to sort of tap it sometimes you get that

make sure it's all going out a bunch yeah okay is that a problem yeah no i don't like stuff like that so i just was asking no no i figured you know i um you know, I... You know. I just didn't know if it was a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Well, Felix just... Felix just left. Well, you know... This is the longest one we've ever done, yeah.

You know, we're doing good. Except for the, back in the day, remember, we recorded for like five hours straight one time. Did we? Yeah, dude. Yeah. We were just like practicing. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were doing it on a Zoom call.

We were like trying to get past the like, hey, do you like soda? Yeah. No, we were just trying to get like the basics down. And then it ended up being like a good episode. But it was like. We didn't want to. It was like five hours straight yeah yeah it was it was like that uh there's that one like rizzo freestyle that was like four out he used to freestyle for like four or five hours straight

who's this rizzo yeah from wotank oh my goodness that's who was the i'm thinking i keep thinking of most def who was the actor. He was in a couple movies with Clive Owen and Jennifer. He was in that one with Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston called Derailed. It was like a psychosexual basic instinct rip off thriller. And all of a sudden Go ahead.

They loved making that movie in like 2006. Yeah. Where it's just like Oh. It's a nasty murder fuck yeah and then a rapper show like most shows up and he's like we're going to get this bitch and i was like why the fuck is most deaf here like this is you're talking about the dude from children of men and the bitch from friends and then one of the greatest rappers that's ever lived is suddenly like i got a glock nine we're gonna like doing gangster shit with like a dude from manchester like it's like it's not yeah also most stuff was a funny guy to have is like a hard dude yeah he's like his raps are all like about he's found some egypt Egyptian tomb that he's figured out how to make kids playing hopscotch happy or something.

And then Talia Kweli comes in and he's just like, he does his little thing, which sort of tends to vary, but it tends to be a somewhat predictable pattern. But yeah, he's a funny guy to have is like a hard dude like whenever dmx used to be in movies and he was like a hard dude it was cradle to the grave it was like what else do we have yes you know that was such he was he was like every movie he was in he was great in like in belly compare his acting to nas like dmx is like magnetic yeah he's like amazing in belly i thought and not nas is so fucking bad yeah dude okay so i think it's just because gucci played himself but in spring breakers i was blown away by how good gucci main was oh yeah he was great like i like he was hanging in there and in some cases i thought

better act at acting than like franco was is that like riffraff ripoff but like he like rolls up on him and like he's just talking all this like heavy shit and i was like dude gucci mane is like and i remember reading a harmony corinne gave an interview where he said there's a scene where he was asleep in the movie but he was actually asleep during filming because he like kept like smoking blonde stipped in promethazine and drinking like lean and harmony would be like gucci gucci gucci and he's like he would be like i'm acting good like he would be like nodding the fuck off or something like like having respiratory failure yeah just like drinking heroin yeah yeah it was like right before

I think like right before he went to jail like yeah he like yeah he like he came out like looking great he lost like 90 pounds yeah he looks amazing I mean I honestly like lean's obviously terrible lean is like

it's so funny because it's like what if you combined like soda and heroin yeah it's so fucked up for you in so many ways it's like drink like but probably great I mean I've I've had it it's pretty fucking cool but it's it's sick but it's like expensive especially especially nowadays uh the markets it's like uh it's all all jumbled up because the supply is way down yeah it's hard to get nowadays it's i've never had it i've never even like ventured out because i just figured like that's just something you can't get in new york is it like could i like go to publics and get it no but what you do is what i used to do is i'd get a cold and then I'd let it get really bad. And then I'd get a really bad respiratory infection. Exactly. And then I'd go there and demand it.

And they would have to give it to me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I can do that. But then also I was overweight at the time and it would still take me like five weeks to recover from the respiratory infection yeah because i had zero immune system and so i was at that point i was like oh i actually

do like have to have this or i'll die but it you know that's what you know that's for like big mo and like dj paul and all that all those guys they that's the life they lived you know yeah it was all constantly getting respiratory it was about getting your pollen allergies bad enough to where eventually you could you know ride in your slab and you'd have it there with you that i can i can say that like if you've done an opiate like you've you've you've experienced it but there's like a like when i would get it and i we're talking about a fucking lanky, like annoying white kid in college who like did too much coke. Like I would do Jolly Rancher, Sprite, Baja Blast, like Gummy Bears. Like I would do the whole nine yards because you can't just – I don't know what psychopath or like I guess just like probably people who are legitimately addicted to it.

Like you just drink it out of the fucking pint. Oh i'm from the midwest that's no that's probably any i've probably done it and don't recognize it because we're just drinking it straight yeah because we love everyone from the great lakes enjoys the taste of opiates yeah i think the bitter nasal drip like taste it out on like a charcuterie board yeah yeah that's like if you're if like the governor is coming to your house for dinner you have like yeah a board with like oxy 80s and opana and like different extracts for opana dye i like yeah i always think about my friend from indiana who like he was so addicted to opanas that he like he had t-shirts with the residue on it and he would just suck off like the pill dye. Oh my god.

To get something. We would – so what I would do – we were snorting Dilaudid all day and Coke. Dilaudid was awesome. Yeah. I don't know why it didn't take off more. Yeah. It was – so what I would do is I had a little – you know it's bad when you start buying novelty snorting paraphernalia. Oh my god.

And I had gotten it from a buddy who like had a bunch of them sitting. He like got them off Amazon but it was a silver tube and it had two like marble-looking caps at the end and you would keep your drugs in there, dump them out, and then snort them. But what I learned is that if you took a straw or like a pipe cleaner, residue would build up in the tube and you could get like a few good lines out of the tube. But I used it to snort both Dilaudid and Blow. Oh, no. Yeah. So there was a couple nights, more than a couple if I'm being honest, where I was like fiending and I would dig it out. And I was like – I always drew the line in the sand at speedballing.

But there was a time several times where i was like it can't be that bad for you it seems like it would rock so like and so like my friends would be like jake that's our line like we had a line like we're not gonna speedball and i was like look it's mostly coke it's almost all white and they were like the we got was white yeah Delon it isn't like brown yeah no so we did get orange ones there for a bit but those are the strong like 6 millis

oh man I never had those I thought that was awesome well it just it rocked because you could do like one line and still have so many and you'd be like somebody put on Ex Machina now before I like for my BPS that was our movie dude we would sit and put the mattress in the middle And still have so many and you'd be like, somebody put on Ex Machina now before I – like before my BPS.

Before my BPS. That was our movie, dude. We would sit and put the mattress in the middle of the floor, get the projector going, snort a couple fucking pills and watch Ex Machina like 10, 15 times. And I tell my girlfriend about this and she's like, that sounds terrible. And I'm like, baby, I need you to know something. That was probably one of the best eras of my life. Like – Oh, yeah. you to know something that was probably one of the best eras of my life like oh yeah i did i i've i've had it where it's like opiates were a problem for me yeah it was like in my like late teens early 20s like i had a problem with like basically like opiates and uh like every other downer really

uh like definitely like addicted to them and then when i was older like i got all my wisdom teeth out and i uh it was in minnesota like in the winter it gets down to like negative 20 yeah and so it like really fucking hurts if you have a problem with your wisdom teeth yeah molars and they i remember the doctor so well he's just like this kindly old like norwegian dope yeah he's like oh well your teeth hurt you know oh wow that's a shame and they like couldn't take them out for a month and he was like well why don't you take this and he gave me a script for like oxy 40s like tylenol 3 and a lot of bottles. Yeah, and I was like, oh, fuck. I'm not allowed to have.

And this was, yeah, this is, like, you know, I had, like, definitely, like, gotten my life together. I hadn't drank in a really long time. Yeah. And, but it, like, hurt so much. Like, I actually had to do it. Mm-hmm. And I'm very proud of myself because I, like, went back to opiates. And I did have to take them for a month.

Like I was in my last semester of college and I had this like four and a half hour senior seminar class on foreign policy. Yeah. I would just take like an oxy. Yeah. Almost not out. It was awesome. Yeah, it was awesome. I would get fucking ripped and like because my teeth hurt so much and play Assassin's Creed. But then when I was out of the pills and I got my teeth taken care of, I was like, okay, done with that. And I was like – I was so – I was already like soft-coaching myself. I was like, well, you know, I go to the gym a lot now. If I get this opiate problem again, I mean I guess –

Yeah, I'm healthier. But I like – I did it. I just like – I did them for a month again. I mean, I guess. Yeah, I'm healthier. But I, like, I did it. I just, like, I did them for a month, and then I was, like, fine. So it's, like, I wish I could do that every year now. Yeah, silly. I haven't, like, done them since then. But, like, I wish I could. Like, they should let me do that.

No, I do not understand. It's like Ramadan for white guys. Yeah. The opposite. Gromadon for white guys. Yeah. The opposite. The jab at the end. God damn.

Thomas with the fucking heat. That's the name of the episode, I think. Yeah. Oh my god, dude. Fuck. Oh, my God. Well, oh, fuck. I was going to say something about, like, yeah, but it's just not worth it anymore.

That was fucking funny. God damn it. Well, Felix, thank you for fucking joining us, dude. My pleasure. Yeah, I appreciate it. My pleasure, boys. It was a lot of fucking fun. I don't think we...

It's like maybe there'd be a Chapo Pendejo crossover world one day if we all find each other at a bar. Yeah, guys, if you haven't heard it, check out Chapo Tendejo crossover world one day if we all find each other at a beach somewhere in New York. Yeah, guys, if you haven't heard it, check out Chapo Trap House. I know they're going to get a big boost from this. Yeah, exactly. This could be what finally helps you take off, Felix. It would be very funny if a guy from this side of Twitter just wasn't up with it. It's like, who the fuck is the guy that you guys had on Wednesday?

Who the fuck – like, we all have the same mutuals. We're in the same stupid fucking group chats. Like, I can't – who the fuck was this guy talking about fucking lifting weights and eating pills and foreign policy? Fuck that. Fuck that motherfucker. Oh, shit. fuck that motherfucker oh shit i feel like now it's like i feel like there are so many people who are like probably 19 like getting on that it's like that's a distinct possibility i bet there are a lot of people who like yeah like know like thomas or know like caleb and like don't know

who the fuck i am like they've seen me but they're like who is like who's that yeah no i mean yeah yeah i totally i totally buy that like i and the the the old the old and new girl whatever the fuck like in the stupidest way to put it like yeah i mean i don't i feel like a lot of our listeners like i don't know what kind of people they are but i don't know if like they seem to kind of people who just probably like podcasts are their chosen form of media. You know, like it's – like they probably just listen to – Dude, that's me. Yeah. I like my favorite – now that I can't do my – can't or won't just probably think it's a bad idea to do my month of pills. I replaced that feeling by playing Chalice Dungeons and Bloodborne and listening to podcasts.

That's badass. It more or less like hits the same part of my brain. I do Kratom, and I watch Adam Curtis documentaries on Kratom. That sounds pretty fun. Dude, I'm not going to lie. I just put down Can't Get You Out of My Head, and then I started watching it. It's great. I loved it.

And then I started that one on HBO. It's not him. It's Raoul Peck, Exterminate All the Brutes. It's really, really good. It's the history of like colonialism, power, violence stuff. But I've been just eating Red Vein like candy and I'm like, oh, here she goes. It starts in the toes. And then I miss five episodes and I'm like, oh, that's okay.

We'll just try again tomorrow. Oh, fuck. All right. Well, thank you guys. Thank you, no, that's okay. We'll just try again tomorrow. Oh, fuck. All right. Well, thank you, guys. Thank you, Thomas, for joining us. Yeah, thanks for having me on, man. My pleasure. Thanks a lot.

And fucking probably do this again sometime around the corner later in the future. But peace, everybody. Thank you, guys. Night-night. See you. Boom.