Pendejo Time - red dog dance

Episode Date: January 27, 2022

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I'm touching myself. I'm touching myself, and I be rubbing myself. And I be slubbing, rubbing, and rub-a-dubbing myself. Sometimes I be fucking myself. Sometimes I'm sucking myself. Sometimes I get real lucky and I fuck myself. Sometimes I might go around and get stuck in myself. I get my balls and then I nut on myself.

And then I pour foundation foundation build a hut on myself then i field strip me a deer i get some gut on myself um anyway welcome back welcome everybody this is the first episode of our new show. Yeah, yeah. It's called Silly Time. Silly Time with Jake and Tommy Boy, Timmy Little Tommer. Nobody calls me that. That's fine. That's whatever, dude.

I don't fucking give a shit no more. Somebody DMed me today. I guess they're going to... I don't this they were like hey do y'all like script anything and I was like no

we kind of just go that's why it sucks sometimes and they were like oh no man like you know everything you know

like that like they were like I like to show or whatever and they were like especially that one thing about the white family holding hands in the field, zero idea what he was talking about.

Absolutely none. Like at all. This has happened a couple of times before. They were like, man, dude, that story, uh, you know, Thomas told her like you told her whatever was great. And I was like, it might've not even happened at all. Like it may have just been a complete fabrication because I have no idea what you're talking about. And, you know, I figured that if it really did happen, then I would remember.

But sometimes you gotta, you know, you just shoot from the fucking hip. Maybe 10% of it is true. And the other 90% happen to a guy you know. Or it's just straight from a movie. You know, who knows? I have no, I really don't know. Is that know you tell stories me me like who else am i talking there's two people on the podcast no like they're like

i will there have been a lot of the times like when i'm around friends i'll be telling a story that happened at the house but this was when everything was like a lot of drugs involved and one of my roommates will be there and they're like no dude you were the one who broke the vase over your head took his pants off it was not frank and i'm like no no man i remember i got it on my phone and my roommate old roommate would be like no i have it on my phone you were not recording it it was you and i'm like oh like it's just like this remember you know it's just like shit that i don't remember like there was uh uh i i was retelling a story to a friend i was like uh you know we were at a bar and a couple

other roommates were there and i was like yeah, you know, one of our old roommates, he used to, much to my other roommate's chagrin, used to bring a big mattress into the floor and lay on it or whatever and get pilled out and watch Harry Potter all day. I think I've told about it on the story. And I was like, yeah, dude, I used to be like, dude, fucking come on, man. You know? Get the fucking mattress out of the living room, man.

We're not fucking Charlie in the chocolate factory's family all laying in a big bed or whatever. You know, we're grown men with jobs. And my other roommate, like my old roommate, Edgar, he was like, dude, you were in the mattress like every time. You would eat a bunch of Vicodin and watch fucking Harry Potter sit there on fucking Postmates hot wings. That's how you got so fat.

I was like, no, dude, I never laid in the living room mattress, bro. I didn't know where the mattress was I heard about it he was literally like no dude you were just as much of a part of it

as Zach was and I was like nah man maybe a couple times and he was like anytime that Zach pulled his mattress in from the

bedroom and laid it in the middle of the floor on the ground and started snorting Dilaudid off a dinner plate you were right there next to him snuggled up like Grandpa Joe from fucking Willy Wonka and laid it in the middle of the floor on the ground and started snorting a lot of it off a dinner plate. You were right there next to him,

snuggled up like grandpa Joe from fucking Willy Wonka. I was like, man, I maybe 50% of the time it's like, dude, shut up. Like you were, it's like,

dad, that was a hundred. So it's not that I like shoot from the hip and just like, but it's just like, there is just some shit that I like genuinely don't remember. That's why I'm like, I've wanted to get one of the guys on the show at one point just to like riff and then have them be like,

no man on the record. I was sober that night. You hit yourself with a Dutch oven in the head a bunch. And then you sat down and threw up for like two hours. You can cuss yourself. That was you. That was not a guy that you met that you were the one who did that uh that's just like a consistent you know it's just been always like a consistent thing uh i just like don't remember shit so i'm

like it couldn't have been me that did that they're like no man you're the only motherfucker who consistently does shit like like like you know think of a story from like three years ago i'm like oh that's a good one and i'm like maybe nobody else remembers it so i can just yeah maybe i can just never tell them that nobody knows you know yeah it's always like always shocking to me when i'm like like when i when i tell a story and like someone's like, no, I was way like, like, because like a lot of times I feel like, like, am I exaggerating this? Like, because it sounds absurd when I tell it. And then like, you know, one of my roommates is like, no, I was like way worse than that, man.

Like one time the roommates got into a big fight and I was a part of that fight. Zach, Rich Gay Zach, I've talked about him a couple of times on here before. I had bought myself like I got a new job and like my first paycheck, I bought myself a really nice bottle of whiskey. Um, and, uh, he was like, uh, you know, I was like, uh, I'm going to go, you know, to the gym. I'm gonna come back, you know, whatever. And he was like, Hey man, can I have a, a little bit of that whiskey you got? I really like it. I, you know, it's hard for me to find. I was like, yeah, man, just don't take too much. It's like a hundred bucks. I shouldn't have bought it. Honestly. Like, you know, just, you can have like a glass. I'm not trying to be a dick, you know, whatever. Anyway, like I come back home and, uh, uh, my

buddy Frank, the other roommate at the time, he had a bunch of really big glasses. One of them was just straight up fucking flower vase that he would drink beer out of and we would throw keggers okay and i see that zach is laying on his mattress on the floor fucking nodding the fuck off like out of his mind on vikadin and he has one of those big glasses and like half my whiskey like half the bottle of whiskey's gone and i fucking come up to him dude and i'm like get the fuck up motherfucker what are you, and I'm like, get the fuck up, motherfucker. What are you doing? And he's like, I'm trying to watch Harry Potter Prisoner of Azkaban. And I was like, I said fucking one drink, dude,

and he fucking smug as a motherfucker, and not technically incorrect, which pissed me the fuck off. It was like, you said one glass, and I made you say one glass with it. It was just a big one. And, you know, so I get pissed, and I made myself one glass with it. It was a big one. And, you know, so I get pissed, and I'm like, dude, you're cut the fuck off. I grab his glass. I pour it into a different cup. I give him like this much left.

He gets his butane torch that he uses to smoke dabs with, and he sets the top of my bottle of whiskey on fire, burns the corkk it like drops the cork into the thing he burns the fucking time like it was hot like orange black glass the glue from the cork came off and the cork drops in there and he just like starts going ape shit and he's like if

i can't have what i poured myself you're fucked and like was dead serious and i fucking snap and i'm like like outside dude it's this we're you know it's i i don't know what to do with you we're just gonna have to fight and which happened sometime in the house anyway the guys cooled me off it was fine but the guys sided with me and they were like zach like just venmo jake like 15 bucks call it even or go buy him a bottle and he was like no fuck he said one glass he was adamant anyway we get into another bit we get into a second argument dude and all the guys like are siding with me and they're like dude you need to do something like make it right like we all live together dude we all drink together we do drugs together like it's not and plus zach has money like zach was the richest guy like he's like a fucking like finance years fail son had like 900 chances to get you know

whatever the fuck he is so like he's like but also the whole time this is happening he's eating more like xanax and more viking and getting more and more fucked up and like going over to now my open bottle and like take anyway taking shots the progresses. He goes outside, and we lock him out. He's out there in his underwear, in a robe. He's beating on the door, and we're like, oh, fuck, the police are going to get called. We've got so much drugs in the house. He comes back in, grabs his mattress,

takes it out the front door, and he's holding it out there. and he's like y'all want to be fucking dickheads dude it was a small argument fuck it i'll call y'all's bluff i don't give a fuck like fuck y'all like you know so we locked the door on him dude like all right you want to be a prick this has been going on for two and a half hours all of us are bombed by the way like i don't know why nobody pulled a gun like early like i never and so anyway he takes his mattress out to the street hand to god this is again one of those things where like i tell this one and it's like oh people like my other roommates that are corroborate the stories people like dude you're making this shit up frank frankie or egger

is like no dude he fuck it he takes his mattress out to the street we lived on a corner it's a blind corner takes his mattress out to the street and We lived on a corner. It was a blind corner. Takes his mattress out to the street and lays it in the middle of the street. And lays down on it. Throws his blanket over him. Puts his head on a pillow and just lays down. Like he's going to nap. It's the middle of the fucking day.

He's in a mattress in the middle of the street. And at this point, he played checkmate. Because again, there's so much drugs in the house. We had cops called a lot because of parties and like noise and stuff. And he was like, if I'm going down, these guys are fucked because I'm going to say, oh, I live in that house. I'm super peeled out right now. I'm sorry. And then they're going to come in, you know, whatever. So he's out there. We're like opening the door. We're like, dude, come in. He's like,'s like fuck y'all y'all made your bed i'm out here now and ain't nobody gonna tell me anything different and he just rolls back over puts the blanket back over him and lays down in the middle of fucking and

a mattress in the middle of the street his mattress the one that he sleeps on is it busy it was like we were fucked up early it was like uh th, like midday or I don't know Thursday for sure, but it was like, it wasn't a weekend. A truck rounds the corner, like a big lifted motherfucker though. And the guy, like the guy's taking the corner pretty tight.

He slams on his brakes because Zach's in the middle of the fucking street. It under a blanket. That guy, I don't know what he was thinking. Not Zach, the guy driving the truck. I would have thought if I had like, did I die? Like, am I, like, did I,

like, what's going on, you know? The guy honks at Zach and is like, I hear like from outside the house, like unintelligible yelling or whatever. Because the guy's probably confused as fuck you got a fucking fat pilled out dude on a mattress in the middle of the floor with a blanket and a pillow right zach throws his blanket off of him and just waves him across he does it like he was so committed dude he didn't like all right well joke's over okay guys you got me i gotta get out of the street

he just waves he just waves the truck guy. The guy goes around Zach and then he stays out there for another 20 minutes. Eventually, it was like hot. I guess he like came in, joke was over. But he came inside

and I realized at that point I was like, dude, I can't, this guy can't be beat. To this day, he still pulls shit like that. Not, you know, he's got a boyfriend now.

He's calmed down, you know. But, like, well, that explains it a lot. Turned out he was just gay the whole time. He's the guy I told you when he came out to us because this was like, you know, he came out recently. He was like, hey, I don't want y'all to be weird. Like, y'all can still call me, like, gay. Like, I don't want y'all to stop saying, like, fagging stuff. Like, please don't.

Because, like, I like that stuff and I think it's funny. Like, I want y'all to stop saying like fag and stuff. Like, please don't. Cause like, I like that stuff. And I think it's funny. Like, I want y'all, you know? And I was like, well, I don't say that stuff. First of all, I've never said anything like that in my life. Never. Right. Not even just now.

Yeah. But anyway, like he was, you know, he's the guy that like, but anyway, it was just, he, uh, he texted me the other day and he was like, Hey man, before I tell you know, he's the guy that like, but anyway, it was just, he, uh, he texted me the other day and he was like, Hey man, before I tell you this, don't give me shit. And I was like, fuck dude, this is going to be some rich kid bullshit. Cause that's how we used to get into it all the time. Uh, and he was like, my dad is offering me $20,000 to invest with or his Lexus. He drove for a year.

He's tired of it. Which one would you choose? And I was like, excuse me? He was like, well, you know, if your parents weren't, you know, and I was like, if my parents weren't what degenerate gamblers and like cracks, he was like, well, if you were in my situation, like, what would you choose? And I was like, I can't fathom an answer to that question. you choose and i was like i can't fathom an answer to that question because if my dad had twenty thousand dollars he would buy scratch offs with it and like fucking steel reserves and like you know fucking porno movies like you know uh how did you think your dad would get i don't want we're not gonna we can go into it if you want Do you think he'd be into like a, like interracial stuff or? My dad, I think I told you this before we were hanging out. My dad's, you know, he's given me a lot of great life lessons, but like genuinely good advice. Two things. How to file for unemployment and how to delete my browser history. I think I was like 10 or 11 and I had like just spent too much time with a computer. And I was just, I just, one day I was like, I think I was fucking on an e-bombs world. And I click a link one day to like a different website and it was

just straight pornography. And I was like, well, this shit looks like it's fucking dope. I think I like this stuff. And so I would just would just you know Go fucking crazy on the internet I wouldn't jack off because I was like 10 I would just like you know Anyway one day my dad pulls me aside And he's like hey So Do your mom's

Work laptop You use that to like watch your little Like skateboard videos and stuff? I was like, yeah. He's like, sick. Do you know what a browser history is? And I was like, uh-uh. He's like, everything that you look at

unless you delete it is saved in the search bar. And like, I just was like... Because I knew what was going on. And he was like, all you got to do is click them three little dots and it goes away. So I don't know what kind...

I mean, honestly, I don't know what kind of shit. If he... I like that you, for some reason, took me up on this in terms of answering what pornography your dad likes to see i was just seeing if you would even respond and you're like well you know no i like you know big big uh big booty parking lot gang bang i don't know uh i don't know, dude. Did your parents ever catch you jacking off?

Yeah. They did? Every couple weeks. Huh? Every couple weeks. Are you serious or are you fucking around? Still. Your dad comes over and is like,

How's the trim looking? Oh, shit. Opens up the front door. Ah, Thomas. He's like, hey, how's you you doing the baseball how'd you get in the shed again ah

you don't even live here anymore yeah how are you why are you in the bed in my trunk you know

yeah you ever you ever been on an essence and you catch yourself checking off

no but no that would be very you walk in ah what are you doing ah No, but... No. That would be very... You walk in, what are you... Well, that's also very funny to have, but I was thinking,

sometimes I've taken... It may have been in bone, but I would like... The best way I could describe it is clipping, where I would come to outside. I'd be tripping so hard that I think I just... My brain would like...

Also, I was drinking and shit, other stuff, but like... The hard that I think I just my brain would like also I was drinking and shit other stuff but like the times that I've had bad trips I would sometimes like oh I'm outside now smoking a cigarette I'm talking to somebody and then like gray dust in my mind and then oh I'm in the kitchen and I'm bullshitting somebody else but it would be very funny to have a moment like that like off bad trip like you're just kind of like spacing too hard and you're like getting stuck in this loop or whatever that you like one of the times you do come to when you have like your adrenaline's pumping and you're trying to pull yourself out of the loop that you just come to in the bathroom at the party and you're just over the sink

just like jacking off Fuck. No, but it... It happens like every 30 minutes. Fuck. Fuck, dude. Jake, man, you've been in the bathroom for like 45 minutes. So, yeah, man, I'm tripping really hard. Oh, sorry. I thought I lived here. You just come out dick on hard.

Yeah, dude, that was... Oh, my God. You come out dick on hard because you think you're at your own place. Yeah, that's the most insane hypothetical. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you come out dick on hard because you think you're at your own place insane hypothetical oh yeah you come i mean you're like no i need to separate myself from you now speak for yourself man yeah no i know i've never uh i told you that the only time it's not even close it was genuinely it was my own footage but it was like the uh that time that time that somebody stuck that GoPro on me at that party.

And they wanted to make a cool collage. I told you to fucking, I blacked out and it was just at chest level. So every time, I broke the seal and it was like, that guy was like, hey man, I got about collectively like 20 minutes of your dick. Like outside of your Levi's just pissing hard like in the bushes like in the backyard um yeah that was fucking no did i he should have made that the whole film dude i like well what sucks is like i like that guy i remember you know like he was like man i want to document one of these things you guys throw bangers or whatever like blah blah like it's cool like you know great dj was like, man, I want to document one of these things. Cause you guys throw bangers or whatever, like blah, blah, blah. Like it's cool. Like, you know, great DJ or

whatever. Cause we would have our friends who anyway. And I think I fucked it up for him because he like trusted me with that, you know? And I think I got a good two hours, which he did still like have a montage to work with, but it wasn't the whole thing. And the rest of it is just like the inside of my shirt. Cause i'm like bent over doing blow or like just me pissing or like taking a shit like that's like i mean i fucked up your little i mean he probably would have said it to like schoolboy q or i don't know like this is like 2013 you know like he would have been like oh you know hey man i got i had some stuff to work with and he just sends me like a two and a halfand-a-half-minute montage of my cock.

And it's, like, you know. He's got, like, collared greens playing over him. Yeah, it's, like, flat bush zombies or something. Yeah. It's just, like, my little, like, coked-up, shrunken dick just, like, in a bush somewhere, just, like. He's making, like, mouse noises for some reason. He's, like, edited them in.

He's, like, I don't know if the audio is messed up or if this is the original. It's like Looney Tunes. Imagine like you don't know and you just like strap it to a random guy at a party not thinking anything. And then you just have like six hours footage of just like sucking straight up cock. Dude, like yeah, I pop like two bars that night and i'm like the guy's like hey man oh it's just you getting fucked in the ass dude like it's just the fucking back of a bed frame yeah pov missionary my ankles in the air showing just show your hand gripping the sheets yeah yeah oh my dude that would have been uh that would have been a much funnier joke camera didn't turn on sorry and like hey man you go to look at it and it's like him in the background like i see his like i see his like tattoo you know like gripping the fucking bed for

dude like it's like hey man i you know the pissing thing was weird but i got like six and a half hours of something kind of – I mean, I don't know. You want to take a look at it? You were DDing that night, right? Yeah, right. Yeah, right, right, right. I had six hours of footage of you sucking cock in the bathroom.

Right. Well, I was fucked up. Yeah. Well, I did have half a Xanax, and I smoked one joint and had one Michelob that night. So, you know, I probably don't really remember much, you know, just like, he's like,

Oh man, did you black out? And I'm like, no, I was totally sober. It's like dead fucking sober that night, bro. It was totally good.

But I do, I do, I do not remember that at all. that was like there. Uh, I remember I was, I got one of my friends who I did like copywriting stuff for her.

She started this company that was like a, like a music journalism company. And I wrote some articles. I interviewed some musicians. It was a cool little time in my life. Uh, and she was like, Hey, I was doing standup. I probably didn't stand up like a year, um, off and on more off. Really? She's like, Hey, we're throwing a boat party. It would be great if you could host it.

We have some bands, some DJs. You know, you could come on for free. I'll wrist band you food, alcohol, whatever. I can't really pay you, but I'll get you fucked up. And at that time, I didn't really care. And there are pictures of me or dog shit. I was probably like 215, like pale as a

ghost. It was just, ooh. But anyway, she was like, like the first hour, I was pretty good. Like there are, like I'm cracking jokes. There's a band behind me. It was kind of like a house band type deal thing that it was going on.

There is like 30 minutes of footage that if ever was released, I, you know, like the shit that it was going on there is like 30 minutes of footage that if ever was released i you know the like the shit that i was saying it wasn't like i was just fucking completely dusted off fucking like molly and like anything else and i was like it's not that it was like right like bad like right anything i was just like trying to do bits and riff like we do on here or like you do but my brain was just like no like it was like it was blue screening i was like there's a dog and it's by the dog's house you ever see one dude do the damn dance on it dude you ever see a dog fucking you ever see a dog's dick at the store and you could try to get some gorgonzola and some

fucking cappuccino and a dog dog has a penis hat and he's smoking a cigarette and people like the camera would pan out of the audience and everybody's like like even fucked up like it's like and there's like at one point like she's like hey man i gotta fucking do like the next day my roommate cam was like hey man do you remember trying to do it i guess like an hbo hour like a depot party and i was like i was like man i remember a bit of it i don't really want to talk about it and he was like dude i really want to talk to you about it and i was like it was one of those things where i was like i'm gonna bury this one because um now now mind you if this had

happened now oh i'd be fucked like i said i didn't really say anything all that bad like i saw the video and iphone stuff it wasn't that i was like fuck jew you know like i did like i didn't go that route but i it was just gibberish but again it would just like i would just be just be like i'd be boiled i'd be cooked alive on the internet there'd be no hope you know uh but uh totally ratio dude dunked on l ratio l plus fucking anyway i need to use up the rest of this electrical tape somehow before it expires you got like any projects you got going on anything you're thinking about doing yeah i was gonna try and cover my whole body electrical tape like a like a mummy i'm gonna walk across the transmission wires swag that's pretty cool

uh i mean communication wires oh i've got some good news about my truck. What happened? It doesn't work anymore. No. What happened? No, it's okay. It's just that... So, yesterday, I didn't let it warm up for long enough. Like, I got on the freeway or whatever, and it was just like, nope. I was like, all right. Looks like we're going back home. Taking the car.

And then, today, I got cocky. I let it warm up for like 20 minutes. Yeah. Took it out. Exact same thing. Except... So, usually, I got cocky. I let it warm up for like 20 minutes. Yeah. Took it out. Exact same thing, except. So usually I hit third gear. It's not automatic, which is its first problem because it's like an old automatic, you know? Yeah.

And like not the best. Right, right, right. So it hits like third gear and then it like it'll wait for a second and then it fucking hauls ass right after that. Does it like does it like that. Does it, like, jerk? Does it, like... Like, whenever it goes into fourth gear, it fucking, like... It's like in Scooby-Doo where they run in place for a minute and then just, like...

Take the fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. But it's super torquey in the low gears. Anyway, so I get to third gear. I'm like, fuck it. We're doing it. I, like like basically floor it

and it makes a sound that is not good one of the loudest things I've heard in my life like you know I work with heavy machinery and you know

I don't think I think that's one of the loudest things i've heard anyway one nice thing about it is that the truck got warm which is cool because the heater doesn't really work nice but i did uh took it back home didn't pop the hood or anything i just said you know what we're gonna deal with this one later yeah yeah yeah got home from work it's like yeah dude one of my most like as long as we've been like hanging out and doing the show you know for the last year one of like of all time not just between us two but like one of my funniest and most like like genuinely cherished

memories is like being on the freeway with like all of my like my furniture and my mattress my couch in the back of your fucking truck and uh and that guy cut us off on the road and you fucking fucking punch your horn nothing nothing you were like oh that's new and i was like dude we're doing like 85 with like all of my like no this stuff can't we didn't do a great tie that me and you had to google ratchet straps for some fucking... I've used them before. Dude, that was so... That whole thing, because I know me and you have used ratchet straps before. You know what's funny?

Up until that moment, I had been pretending to know how ratchet straps worked for the whole time I've been working. And I've been in jobs where I need to know how... Yes, I know exactly what you're saying. Every time I just sort of like stand next to it and then go do something else. Now I know how to use them, but only because of that. Yeah. Well, I've done

here's the thing. I've fucked so many ratchet straps up before, like at work or like helping a friend move and I just, I tighten them, but they're not like the way that i tighten i think i like like i fucking did it the wrong way and it's like well it ain't going nowhere and then when you try to undo it it's like hey did you just tie this whole mechanism into like a full-blown knot like you just anyway yeah that fucking dude that fucking truck like swings over into the

middle lane we're in you fucking go fuck and it's just you're like i was like the rest of the freeway just went silent dude there's like a 30 minute drive and i was like man i got like a couch back here and a couple chairs and mattress and i was like i was like hey your horn doesn't work and you were like no it does no it's funny i i still haven't fixed it i just don't ever yield on the freeway you just boss hog the whole fucking thing yeah the truck's made out of steel you know you can get it i can just hammer it back yeah your body your body damage is gonna cost 2500 you know i'm just gonna get a big hammer and hit it yeah yeah yeah it's like it's not really yeah um dude that shit was so fucking funny man it was just like i was like i think when we took off with this stuff i stalled it just from

throwing it into reverse oh yeah there was like a moment it just rolled back it just dead and you're like is that sure if that's what you want to think like well i remember thinking i was like oh yeah it's like the horn like whatever like it doesn't work and you were like i had no idea about this you're like i genuinely like i was i honestly you i think you'd had it a couple weeks at that point you're like i was operating on the assumption that it you know i remember exactly what you said but i know that by your face and your reaction that the horn not working when it absolutely needed to work was news to you. You're just like, you know, fucking punch that motherfucker and nothing happened. Dude, I like it.

It reminds me of like my friends who were like really into, you know, like they, you know, they they buy cars they buy used cars or whatever and and uh you know i was uh in a buddy of mine's cr crx the little honda little pocket fucking yeah yeah yeah and uh he like he he drive he drive like an asshole still does and he you know it's like weaving in and out of traffic or whatever and i was like hey man like we're both stoned also so probably didn't help and he was i was like oh hey take it easy he's like weaving in and out of traffic or whatever. And I was like, Hey man, like we're both stoned. So this probably didn't help. And he was, I was like, Oh, Hey,

take it easy. He was like, Oh, my blinker doesn't work. I'm like, what does that have to do with anything? He's like, well,

the blinker doesn't work, you know? So I just got to get where I'm going. You know? I was like, so your blinker doesn't work. And your, your solution is to like,

he's like, yeah, man, if I can't use it, I'm not going to ease over, you know, plus I'm in a CRX and do whatever the fuck I want. It's like, like you, there are like types of car guys who like, if the taillight is a little dim and I have friends like this who were like kind of autistic about it. They're like, yeah, I mean, you know, I can't even, I can't drive the fucking Camaro man, the 87. And I'm like, why? He's like, I have brake lights to him.

No, I just can't really be driving like that. And I'm like, oh, okay. And then I have friends that I'm like, yeah, you know, I got the Monte Carlo, the dream car. And I'm like, that's sick. He's like, yeah, the engine knocks super loud, but I still drive that motherfucker. And I'm like, you know, it's like, I take it to the track whole way there. And I'm like, dude, you cannot be doing that.

Whenever I first got it, it had this, uh, had this hose, uh, that was for, um, it was like a vacuum hose or whatever.

Yeah. That was just loose. And it would spin around as I drove and hit the fan. And then just stall it and I would just start it again. I remember just sitting at a park eating my lunch and just

try to have a peaceful afternoon and then it just sounds like I have an animal trying to jump out of the hood and I was like I told you what we did to the Crown Vic before I sold it to that fucking Lithuanian dude right

no okay so like I was getting tired of having I know I've mentioned this in the show before I drove it for like a year

and I would have to stop every 20 30 minutes to refill it with water because I had a leak oh yeah yeah yeah radiator

yeah yeah yeah coolant leak or whatever and like shoulder side of the road middle of the street waving cars by anyway because I had a leak. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your radiator or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coolant leak or whatever. And like shoulder, side of the road, middle of the street, waving cars by. Anyway.

So when I put it up, when I was talking to my friend, I was trying, that same guy with the CRX, I was like, hey, Chad, you know, I'm going to try to sell this heap. The junkyard wants to give me two hundo.

I think I can get a thousand for it. It still runs. He was like, oh man, if it still runs, put it up on craigslist some fucking car guy especially with these four sixes in it they might just take the engine out and see what they can do like all right swag before that though before we knew i was gonna sell it i was like fuck this i'd already bought the impala super sport me and my buddy me and my roommate frank we get blackout drunk and he was like uh we were watching he loves that we were watching the netflix show like the daredevil the marvel show and uh he's like dude

he's fucked up dude just just completely fucking obliterated and he starts like running on the car and doing like fucking like parkour off he's not a parkour guy but he's like running like stomping on the hood and like the top of the thing like it's just sheet metal right so it's just you know like it's just denting in he's like running up on the car like you know whatever and uh like i had and like once i found out we were actually selling the motherfucker i was like fuck i got little like footprint dents in the hood of this motherfucker and this guy doesn't know about that because they showed up about a week ago because i was running on my fucking shitty ass car with my buddy so i like get in the car and i just punch as hard as i can like the like the roof of the fuck and i dude i'm fucking in my car like

like as hard as i fucking can upward motion. And I get out of the car, pop the dents out the paint fucking chip. Cause you know, it's an old car. Like I had in getting the dents out, I'd shit, you know, and it was like a vinyl top too.

So the vinyl was warped. But anyway, um, you know, I take it over to my friend Chad's place. We fix it up. Nice. You know,

we clean it out or whatever. And that guy shows up and, uh, you know, he's like taking a look at it and he's like uh do you live around the neighborhood it was like a rough area i was like yeah i live like two blocks over he's like somebody run on this car step on it and i was like no not that i know of he's like like i like in the street light like i had wiped it down but in the street light there's like an adidas like right above the driver's side like an adidas footprint he's like these kids in neighborhood they uh i saw one on my motorcycle the other day

you know they do crazy stuff and i'm like yeah they do man i i definitely don't i don't like looking at your Adidas shoes. Yeah. Yeah, I was looking at my like, you know, like the fucking Adidas track shoes, the black ones. I'm like, yeah, I'm fucking taking them off. You know, I'm like kicking them. I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking know anything about that. He's like, okay, well, $1,000 is $1,000.

It's okay. You know, as long as she still runs, she gets me back home. And I'm like, all right, you know, totally. And we sold it, whatever, but it was just, did you tell him about the leak or whatever? Yeah. He'd so, I think he was more interested. So those cars, even the civilian models, this is not the police, the civilian models from that year had the four, six, which is what they had in the old Mustang. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and they're fucking speedy. Like they're like that car was for being like those cars are old people cars like the lincolns and the and the crown victorias but

they fucking move dude like they you know they put out for at that time like 97 98 for like a bench seat you know like four-door sedan they they've moved and so for my i from the way that i remember it i think he was it ran and i think he was trying to get the 4.6 out of it because it's just – you put one of those motherfuckers in like a Miata, and it turns into a rocket ship or whatever. But, dude, speaking of which, I don't know if you know that YouTube channel, Flying Miata. Have you ever heard of it?

Yeah. They've got that website too. Do they? I didn't know they had a website uh maybe uh maybe i'm thinking of something else they might actually i don't think i've actually watched the youtube channel i might just be thinking of there's this website where you can like if you're custom building a miata which which, you know, it's a very common car to, like, LS swap or whatever and all that shit. Like, any year,

any model of Miata, basically, you can find parts for it. Yeah. Well, they, like, I think it's the flying Miata guys. I'm, like, 90% sure. Somebody might correct me, but they're the dudes who take, they take, like, you know, just, like, fleet, you know, like, Miatas from, like, the late 90s or 2000s,, they take like, you know, just like fleet, you know, like Miatas from like the late nineties,

early thousands. And they like fucking chip away at the engine bay. And they put like, like unreal engines in the motherfucker. Like they get them to like, these cars probably maybe weigh 15, 16, a hundred pounds.

And they got the inside too. So where it's just the driver. And they're like, I'm going to put a Hellcat engine in here. Or like, you know, like a fucking twin, know like an amg like twin turbo like mercedes engine and they make them do like and then from that channel a different buddy of mine was like i don't know the name of this one but there's this guy on youtube who takes like he makes sleepers that's like his specialty so he'll take like dude i fucking i've always said like we've talked about this before like if i hit the lottery of course i'm gonna

buy something stupid but i would love to take my ultima to hennessy and be like money is no object i want you to turn this thing into something i can't drive on the street but like these there was this one video where this guy had a key of soul and he takes the engine out and he fucking like you know basically like redoes the entire like engine, like the bay, whatever the, for the engine and motor goes.

And he put this fucking behemoth in it and he didn't do anything to the outside. He didn't put a body kit on it, not a spoiler, not anything. And then he, he had like a dash cam

and he would fucking, you know, like to drive around town, you know, late at night or would go to like, you know, he would fucking go be at a red light and would pull up next to like a, you know late at night it would go to like you know he would

fucking go be at a red light and pull up next to like a you know fucking like ss like camaro or whatever fucking you you you guys like looking at him and he's like let's go three two one guys like all right he's fucking light turns green off the line gone and he was like man i fucking love making these fucking things just for that one joke like yeah like it's such a good bit but yeah like to like i'm and because this guy like obviously this dude has money and he's bored as fuck but it's like all right for this this joke which i've done you know 35 times i've spent 60 grand like completely refitting this fucking kia soul or this ultima or whatever the fuck like you know a lot of times they would be like front heavy so he would like italian job it like

i've put weights in the back and put it on it's just it's funny's funny as fuck to like, you know, like car guys like, yeah, I got the Monte Carlo or a Camaro. I got the old challenger. I got the fucking Plymouth or whatever. It's like very, there's like, I, to me, like a level of mental illness to be like, I took a, uh, Kia Sorento. And I, uh, basically widened the whole chat. Like I fucking widen the whole motherfucker and I put aed the whole chat. Like, I fucking widened the whole motherfucker. And I put a Ferrari engine in it. It drives like shit.

The trans, like, I'm going to die in this thing. But it's very funny to pull up next to, you know, like, Chevy SSs or fucking Lambos. What does he do with the transmissions? Well, I. How does he make that work? I don't. I imagine he has to switch them out the only reason i would say this is because when i got the ss i had to google this i was when you mentioned the truck thing

so when i got the ss like six months after i got it um it was an automatic uh but it would like and when i would hear third it would like slow and it fucking jerk, like take off. I was like, ah, fuck, that's not good. And so I Googled it and I went to this car form and some guy like broke down why the Impala super sport,

the Oh eight model was a piece of fucking dog shit, fast, nice car, but dog shit. And he was like, well, it's front wheel drive. First of all,

second of all, they did not in these add a like performance transmission in it it's the same fucking transmission that's in like the fleet like v6s and like it's the same one like in the lt and the ls or whatever they didn't do anything with the transmission so they dropped the fucking like 53 in there pushing over 300 horsepower with a transmission that's built for like maybe like 220 less you know and so that like they just so the transmission there was always this so i imagine the guy if he knows i mean i'm positive he has to be doing something like that again these are like massive pet projects that probably the cars don't last six months but the views pay for it i guess you

know same thing with i imagine they have to do that with the flying miata like literally see a whistlin diesel it's a guy who just makes like fucked up trucks basically oh i'm thinking of that dude who takes like uh he takes like riding lawnmowers and basically yeah it's just a riding lawnmower shell but inside of it's like a ducati like motorcycle engine i've seen that he'll like test drive stuff But when he does he'll like Have like a pallet of bricks Dropped into it from like 10 feet And he'll just like drive it into a tree Like 6 times

He did one with the old Toyota Hilux And he had to do 3 whole Like episodes on it Because he could not destroy that thing That's badass He had a pallet of cinder blocks dropped by a forklift into the bed and it was fine. It didn't even break

the back windshield. And then he was driving it at like 50 miles an hour with those cinder blocks through like a wet field and then just like hitting trees basically. And then like trying to roll it and it wouldn't roll

and so he just started like slamming doors and just like kicking it and I think he ended up dropping it out of a helicopter dude the um you know Sam Hyde the fucking world peace guy yeah yeah very great guy.

Great views on the world. Yeah. There was that old fucking thing he did where he rented a – he rented like an Infiniti, the SUV. I forget what they're called. Fucking like $50,000, $60,000 car. He's like driving around for like 30, 20 – the guy sucks dick, but his fucking – anyway. He takes it out to the woods and he starts off-roading with it. He's like, it's an SUV, you know, like it can do anything.

And he's like literally through brush, dude, like go, go, go, go, go. Eventually like parks it. And he's like putting broomsticks in the exhaust and like wrenching the fucking exhaust up. It's like slamming the door, like wrenching the fucking exhaust up it's like slamming the door like kicking and he's like hey you know i paid for the i paid for the the extra two hundred dollars to have it insured in case of an accident so i should be fine and then like you know he just fucks the car up and returns it or whatever but like two months later in a different video he's like yeah you know enterprise sometimes puts a judgment on you for like sixty two thousand dollars and you don't pay it you don't have to,000 and you don't pay it. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

That was like, God damn, that's fucking, I mean, obviously the guy on like a hundred different levels is a cocksucker and a piece of shit. But like to that, to do that with your money, like to have adult swim success, the show got canceled,

but to move to Patreon gum road or whatever the fuck he's doing, like you could, you could start, you could start doing purple mattress reads. You know, you could start. That's the idea of success. Well, no, I'm saying, like, you could do any number of things that podcasters and content creators do,

that we did with Ridge or whatever. But to be like, yeah, I got about $40,000 from last month. Let's just, let's go rent a $60,000 car from Enterprise. I like the idea that they're doing this because they have the money. That's not the concept. Not because they're like unhinged and like shit. You know, I've saved up for this lawsuit or whatever. I remember that like, this was a couple years ago.

I don't know how long ago it was, nick was like yeah you know sometimes you know podcasts you know you're something you get very lucky and you lose 85 000 in crypto and i was like and i was like oh my god like jesus fucking Like that, that to me is more admirable than like playing it safe and smart, which is like, honestly, like I would like to try to do, you know, get a mutual fund, like try to just beat inflation. Just get an, like a very conservative, safe and responsible guy to invest your money for you. And just nine, eight, 9% nine percent a year no it's way more respectable to be like yeah i put about fifty five thousand dollars into litecoin uh you know it just doesn't it did not pan out for me or alternatively i rented a car from enterprise and blew it up in

the woods outside pennsylvania like i buy you know, like that is to me, like, it's not respectable or admirable, but it like, it makes sense. You know, like it makes sense to do something like that. At least the way that my brain works. I would love to like, you know know show does well and like go you could there's like there's like the Fairtex gym there's a bunch of really solid

Muay Thai gyms in Thailand that I would love to go yeah that's probably why you'd go no I was gonna say like I I was like I like I really do Thailand's a beautiful place

you can like the dollar lasts a long time there you can you know you can fucking eat drink and be merry for very cheap but I fucking know dude

like the people who listen to this show people that follow you and me i would i would not i couldn't come back from it i could not dude i couldn't it's like i could post i could post i bet you wouldn't come back from it i bet you'd be there a long time yeah yeah i know i know exactly what you're saying and doing because everyone i would not i would get broiled a lot i could post a live stream start telling people i'm a thailand veteran yeah i like wait i could post a live stream of every second of my stay there it's like yeah it's just me kicking pads doing a little sparring lifting with these dudes nothing weird by the way by the way we just smoke cigarettes and we drink fucking rice wine and hang out we drive a boat go look at

an alligator and like the the fucking live stream clips out for two seconds immediately first reply is hey did you fuck did you do anything that would like ruin you know your whole life and like you got any kids in that bag? You got any kids? Yeah. You got any like 4'11 grown men, you know, wearing makeup in there in your gym bag that you've been hanging out with? You've been coughing a lot, man. You okay? Dude, I've just been – I took like a week and a half off the gym.

Like I was in Washington and then like last week I was like, Oh, you know, I got back from vacation or whatever. Tonight was sparring. I did. I didn't go like, I couldn't go like four or five rounds. It was completely winded.

It was total. You're losing your edge, dude. Yeah, I am. It's called fucking, you know, being a fucking hard dick warrior in the fucking game. I have to do breathing treatment to go to sleep every night now.

And I'm, I'm 22. That's awesome. I'm also physically active. Yeah. And I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. Yeah. Well, I like... As of, you know, actually as of like last week.

I just realized, Thomas, you did not completely stop doing that. Well, like I still, we talked about this before, but I'm like, damn, why am I fucking winded on a treadmill right now? I don't smoke anymore. It's like, oh, are you conveniently forgetting that you like suck on like a bomb pop flavor? You just inhale like nickel and like iron and copper. Like there's no, you don't know. You're probably going to get cancer from this like in 20 years,

maybe sooner. There's no study. They'd long-term data, you know? And I'm like, ah, well I'll quit tomorrow. And I come home and like,

I did like two hours of hard cardio sparring today. Fucking pad work. I'm sitting down on the toilet, fucking taking a shit, running the shower. I'm about to get a shower and I'm just fucking, you know know going fucking harder than a motherfucker but that's just how that's just how you do it when you're a fucking

big dick player from the south that's how it goes man you're a big dick player from the south and sometimes that's how it goes sometimes your pp turns pink yeah because it's you know because you got blood in there from your penis trauma. Yeah. Sometimes your little ding-dongs turn straight brown and purplish looking. It keeps fucking happening. Anytime I have to climb for a long time, I will just straight up piss blood. It's just, I'm just accepting it.

It's very funny that like, I have this this and there's some truth to it i guess but i'm taking it like way for it like doctors are just like doctors like oh you're at a climbing saddle it makes you piss blood and you're like yeah they're like probably you know it's just you know like that's fine you know or like i don't think that's what your doctor said i went to the doctor and he told me i had to wear a cup any time I climbed. You probably honestly should. Wear a jockstrap. That would be so funny to have like a jockstrap hanging out of your like. Dude, your coworkers would probably cook.

Like if your ass cracked. Dude, I can't do it. I hate wearing. Or they would say I didn't have anything on under it or something. You could probably do compression shorts in a cup. That's what I wear. You don't got to wear a fucking cup. I don't like wearing compression shorts.

It compresses your balls and your penis. Well, that is true. I like my boys to be free. And bleeding, apparently. You need to get it together, all right? Jake, I'm not going to be around forever. And someday you're going to need to... You and Sam Hyde are going to have to keep this show afloat

That's who I'm giving my I guess I could technically will Not that I'm dying I could technically will Just some random person The ownership stake in the company Oh my god that would be so fucking funny dude That would be great i give that would

i just give it to like just like a former co-worker that i like hate you just you just give it to like some fucking lawyers like uh and i like make my lawyer in advance and be like in on it and be like you just inherited one of the biggest shows in the world and you're gonna be famous now well i think it would add like a layer to it if we were making like an ungodly amount of money an impossible amount of money like 20 grand a month or whatever and you die and you just give it to like some dude with like 22 followers on twitter who just dms you like constantly or whatever and a guy who sends me my own address yeah your ip address your physical address a picture of you a picture of your cats like and like i get dm from a guy it's

like hey so uh we're doing wednesday right i don't even know you're dead it's like hey so wednesday like you know it says here in this letter i got like wednesday 8 8 30 like after after you work out right and i'm like who the fuck are you it's like oh you didn't hear uh thomas you got his whole fucking leg cut off in a wood chipper and blood out uh in the will it says uh dr penis hitler 1488 is the new host co-host of pandeo time i got the whole fucking i'm actually the president because thomas was the president and the escort so i'm the president now so we got to really get this thing going uh by the way i'm at your house we're doing the video uh also i don't have a mic and i'm not gonna buy one yeah i don't know how zoom works i don't know english i don't have a personal computer i'm not allowed to use the internet anymore at vpns they i'm not even i can't even get one of those

i'm not allowed to be captured on video no i uh legally speaking i shouldn't even be reaching out to you uh uh did you yeah we've been on that red dot uh what's it called? Dog house? I forget. Oh, Red Dog Dance? Yeah, reddogdance.org. You do the Red Dog Dance. You're so red. Hey, you got two ears on your head. Now you spin around. Spin around.

Red Dog Dance. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Hey, where you go down? You're wearing your big red pants. Fucking hitting your albuterol. No, it's that website that you can, you like,

put in your zip code and you can see, like all the dot, all the red dots near you, they're the homes of registered sex offenders. People who had to register with the state.

Oh no, am I supposed to register with the state. And, uh, Oh no, am I supposed to be scared? No, no, but I, uh,

there was the neighborhood I lived in, uh, like, I don't know. This was, I was probably like maybe like 10 or 11. I like, I think my mom watched like a Fox news thing about it and she,

uh, everything good. Yeah. I'm looking it up or it's like watchdog or how, I don't know. I think my mom watched a Fox News thing about it. Everything good? Yeah, I'm looking it up. Or it's like Watchdog or how? I don't know. It's like a... Anyway. Red Dog Dance.

It's like... I forget what it's called. It's where you can find sex offenders in your area. Don't Google that, by the way. Find single, single sex offenders. Single sex offenders in your area need pussy too.

It says, it says find sex offenders near me. Oh, family watchdog. Family watchdog. Yeah, that's it. So I think my mom saw it on the news,

like a Fox News or something. Anyway, you know, she like sat me down and was like, hey, we need to check on this together because I saw this on the news. Family Watchdog or whatever

the fuck. It shows all the registered sex offenders in your area. So we just need to be, you know, you walk to school or you walk to the bus stop, you know, you walk to school or you walk to the bus stop, you know, whatever. And we click on it and are like three houses to the right neighbor who my parents had a great like parent.

Well, my mom had a good parent relationship. We would go over, they had a trampoline pool, nice little back patio set up, drink Michelob ultra, listen to fucking Jason Aldean or whatever. Well, their house was red uh and uh you know there was just a lady and a husband there and a kid so it was like well

how do you like here's a cool one what if your what if your address came up like the former owner or whatever there are uh it would seem that there are two man there are a uh you don't want to know something funny right yeah i live two blocks away from uh high school. Uh-huh. There are... Quite a few little dots. There are three pedophiles here. How do they manage that? I wonder if it's old public info.

It has to be. Now, this says... Now, yeah, that's... No no you know what i just realized a lot of these are rent houses yeah they still have to they still have to i mean no no i mean probably uh the owner at some point some but yeah yeah like it's old info like old public info but that school's been there a minute though so it's like that school's been there forever yeah why yeah yeah that's awesome loopholes that's awesome dude same block as me yeah what if it's one of the cool mexicans that hangs out drink steel reserve on their porch all day he's like like, what's up, Romano?

It's like, oh, what you been up to? Don't worry about it, Holmes. What you been up to? I say, uh, fucking kids like a lot. What you been? You ever been to that high school, bro? That shit sucks, bro. Like, I hate it there.

Like, them kids fucking suck, bro. Like, don't even walk there, bro. Like, you can't even post up there no more. Like, I hate it there. Like, them kids fucking suck, bro. Like, don't even walk there, bro. Like, you can't even post up there no more. Like, I can't. I try and post up there, and they, like, they don't vibe with me, homie. They don't, like, they don't want to roll with me. Like, I roll through, you know. I'm fucking, you know, I look fly.

Like, I got my fucking shit, my shit shit lined the fuck up, you know. And, like, bro, like. I have to get escorted off the premises like bro I can't even eat my fucking lunchable here like what the fuck bro

you're telling me I can't fucking sit in my lowrider outside of the playground you're telling me I can't even fly a kite here you're telling me that I can't I like to fly a kite this is the nicest view we have I can't even fly a kite here? You're telling me that I can't fucking...

I like to fly a kite. This is the nicest view we have. I can't sell Dora the Explorer fucking paletas out of here, bro. I can't sell fucking little ice creams because of who I am as a person because of my fucking decisions. You're telling me I can't jump rope here? You're telling me I can't double dutch with the best of them, ese? You're telling me I can't double dush with the best of them i say you're telling me i can't be a recess no more you're telling me i can't be a fucking crossing guard because i tried to because i'm fucking mexican because i fucking

fucking the the truant officer they're like the school cops like no it's not because you're mexican it's because on several occasions you've asked some of the cheerleaders if you can quote bowling ball their shit unquote and so we have to you know you can't be around here well

is all this is this just because I'm a is it just because I work at the fucking gas station bro is this just because I'm a fucking pedophile is that what this is about are you telling me I can't fucking play hopscotch because I fucked a couple little children?

Anyway. Anyway. Wouldn't that be funny? Anyway, Cholo pedophile is not something we're going to revisit. Well, it probably will. Thankfully, there are none of them. Thankfully, yeah. They hate pedophiles.

There are no Mexican pedophiles. Thankfully, yeah. They hate pedophiles. Thankfully, yeah, they hate pedophiles in that culture and community. Yeah, among Catholics. Among Catholics. Among Catholic sort of old Hispanic men, you know, that's not... I actually don't know. Maybe Italians.

Maybe Italian pedophiles. Okay! Sorry for being pedophile. Okay. You know, I'm sorry for being pedophile. I'm sorry. I go to jail now. Okay, I go. Okay, I get turned the fuck out for my behavior in prison. 20 to 30 years, I turned into a woman because of it.

Okay, okay, I'll get you a lunch, right? Oh, okay. Hey, listen. It's been very fun hanging out with you, but I have to go report to my PO or my ankle goes off. I'm not even supposed to be at the bake sale or any sort of event. I shouldn't even be leaving here,

but okay, goodbye. Say adios to you. Okay. Okay. I was going to say bye, but I know we have to do closing. Yeah. Shit.

Yeah. If you thought this was good, I suppose go over on to patreon.com slash pandeo time. Give us a little subby-dubby. Give us a little fucking. Also, you Texas folks, we got three shows coming up with Choppo. Yeah. And now as to what the dates are, I should probably have that written down somewhere. 18th and 22nd, but I don't know what the cities are.

I have no fucking idea. We got Houston, Dallas, Austin. Those sell out. By the way, when I said get your tickets fast because the Austin show was going to sell out in December, I was lying. I had no chance of selling out, but I wanted you to buy tickets. Right. And that worked out okay. I lied several times.

I was like, these are going fast. They were going fast the first couple of days, and then they kind of. Then most of you who wanted one bought them, and that's okay. Correct. Yeah. That just shows loyalty. Anyway, fucking sayonara. Thanks for coming and stopping by.

Sucking on my little ding-a-dong. Goodbye. There. Fuck.