Pendejo Time - rip jake

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

jake bought a pontiac gto w 148000 miles on it and wrapped it around a tree and now hes deader than fuck shows over. just kidding im vacationing in mexico learning the true secrets of the pendejo. Support the Show.

I give up dude. I give up dude. Welcome to the show. Shut up bitch. You ain't giving up. We're gonna get rich Gonna make money off the show and not buy Pontiac GTO and then I wrap it around a tree and everybody feels real bad for me cuz I'm dead That's the song I'm working about on the day of time. He's dead. I had a show with Jake. Now he's dead. I had a show with my friend and he's dead. Everybody feels so bad for me.

Because my friend just died. Not as bad as it do for the friend. Because he just died. I've been getting so many DM's from girls Cause my friend just died in a tragic accident Jake is dead Try to score me some sympathy pussy Yeah my friend just died

Can you come to my house It would be real cool You could come to my house? It would be real cool. You could come to my house. We could watch a movie, and then halfway I could pretend to cry like 45 minutes in. I don't really care about Jake all that much. We were only friends for like a year, and then he died. Let me come to your house and pretend I know what berserk is.

I guess I kind of like Twin Peaks, but not that much. But my friend just died. Can we talk about that? He said his head was all across. I had 20. He ejected from the car at 80 miles an hour, and his body was a bunch of pink slime. They had to identify his body based on his penis. Only thing he tagged.

It was really small. It had a tattoo on it. Is this your son? It's like a micro show pointing at your dick. Yeah, they don't pull open the white sheet. They just lift a little slit of it. Yeah. Is this your son?

It's like, it's like your dick poking through like a glory hole. Yeah. Yeah. Like the sheet that Mormons use to fuck their wives through. It's just, they're just like, it's like a little plastic window. My mom's like, yes yes that's my boy well welcome to the show uh jake is dead gonna keep fantasizing about that hey thanks for coming to my apartment did you know my friend just died i know you feel pretty bad About that Oh you don't care

Well I'm gonna have to Ask you to leave A couple other girls Do feel bad for me If only there was Something you could do If only there was Something you could do

That involved Showing me your tits Or something I mean I don't know Jake is dead though By the way This was his apartment His dog's still here

I don't really like the dog but I guess it adds a little bit of sympathy to it and his girlfriend still lives here cause the lease

was not up yet basically everything I've been doing is to garner sympathy from people like you Got a tattoo My friend Jake But I forgot his last name

Spelled it wrong And then I had to cover it up And then I spelled it wrong a second time Basically I just need to know If you care about him enough Tangentially to want to stay For a couple weeks until I'm ready for you to leave. Ba-na-ba-ba-na-da-ba-ba-na-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba I mean, I don't know what reality you would release an album about me being dead.

Jake is so dead. You do like a Sturgill dude in Juanita. His face, they said, is... They chopped off his head. He got into a car wreck, and I'm not sure why they did that, but... He killed seven people in the wreck, because he was cross-faded. Because he had two beers and half a hit of a Delta 8 pen. You realize that halfway through the song that that kind of reduces the sympathy that you could garner.

He was so drunk he couldn't walk. He was sober. What i said was a lie he i'm seeing i'm losing some of you halfway through this song it was just a part of my friend and the 17 people he killed i remember him texting me a couple minutes before the incident. He was texting me, hey, what if a Chinese guy went to Israel and then that's the last thing I heard from him. He kept trying to play iMessage games. We were playing pool and then he died. I was winning, by the way, because I'm good at the pool game.

And now he's dead. Can I have some head? He's had to make something rhyme. Yeah, yeah. Because the whole album, there's not one rhyme scheme. It's like a spoken word album. Yeah, yeah.

Because I don't have music going. No instruments. Yeah, I don't know how to play anything. So I kind of just had to go boo, boo, boo. And then me in this harmonica.

Yeah. And I only know the part from Tambourine Man. I don't even really know what I lied. Dude, I drank one of those. So, like, you know the rain that are like the thermogenic fuel cans? Yeah, they got like the jalapeno one and the...

Yeah, I drank one of those. I guess there's just... Strawberry or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I drank one and I guess there's more niacin in it because I feel like I'm about to pass out. Yeah, it's like pre-workout. Yeah, I drank the whole fucking thing.

I didn't know what it was. They didn't have any of the normal flavors, so I was like, oh, I'll try this thing. I've done that accidentally. Dude, I'm tangling. Like an empty stomach in Adderall. Yeah, I haven't eaten today. It's nicotine. No, I haven't eaten today.

Nicotine. Yeah, no, that's me right now. I drank this whole fucking thing, and I was looking at the can, and it's like 200% your daily dose of niacin. And then, like, it's the same amount of caffeine, but I'm just fucking sitting here, and I feel like I'm about to explode. Like, it's not good at all. You know what? The ones that are really fucking intense,

I drank these for like two weeks before realizing, like looking at the can, really. Not good at all. You know what? The ones that are really fucking intense. I drank these for like two weeks before realizing, like looking at the can, really. Yeah. They're the red line pre-workout ones. Yeah, yeah. It's not carbonated. It's like a... No. Are they carbonated?

They're carbonated. Oh, okay. Never mind. The ones I'm thinking of are the ones you can buy at the gym. Some of the same flavors as Bang because it's the never mind the ones i'm thinking of some of the same some of the same flavors is bang because it's the same company yeah um but it's like powdery almost in there like it's clearly got other shit yeah it's like it's fucking intense i remember like i got one and i was like god fuck this yeah this is cool man damn these are quite a boost dude those are drink like two sips

and get heart palpitations i don't i guess it's just like in the same way that i've been drinking too much rain and caffeine and like taking a nap like midday on my lunch break like i i see guys on like the internet who are like they like uh drop like ghost pre-workout into a ghost pre-workout energy drink, and then they shotgun it. Like they'd make the hole for the shotgun, and they're like, I'm going to go hit a PR deadlift. And I'm like, man, like I know that this gets you like views. It kind of goes back to what we were talking about a couple episodes ago

where it's like usually these are like teenagers, so I get it. Like I was doing shit like that, but not to go to the workout i was you ever snort pre-workout i did actually yeah me too uh i i snorted a bunch of lines of jacked that illegal shit that had like uh do you remember jacked it was like jack 3d it was like j-a-c-k i don't think i was around for that it was like 2014 2013 yeah yeah so i was like 13 years old man yeah yeah yeah i was a middle school at the time yeah i was like 18 or 19 i'm way younger than you i know we've talked about this uh but uh you start like like we're like eight months into the show making money and you're like man like it's kind of sus that you're doing a show with a

21 year old kid like you realize that soon to be 22 i'm about to be a grown man yeah it's funny like i i i've thought about like i was like if anybody does think it's weird like 22 is an adult's age like if anybody was like why is jake doing a show nobody thinks that 2021 is also like it helps that you look like you're 50 years old it's also like we're both guys yeah yeah that's true yeah if it was if if i was doing a show with a 21 year old girl dude it would be really funny if it was just like what where are you i'm not mad but what are you doing yeah yeah you're like no it's cool's cool I think I've known her since she was like 7? when she was 7

I was 15 we hung out all the time dude she just knows so much about leftism it's crazy yeah bro well I was thinking the show is still the same format but it's just like you shooting the shit with like a 21 year old girl

like a sophomore at tcu yeah yeah yeah but what are you up to and she's like oh i just got into coke for the first time and i'm like oh that ruined my life for like 10 years like it's like yeah it was a real rough time for me that's cool though you're on what are you on the tic you're on the tonka the tink tonka taco taco truck i uh man one thing i missed about college was all the crazy sex experiences have you had any of those could you explain to them in gruesome vile detail man what's the you ever had sex on molly oh my god bro so like i'm like so here's a question for you are you a hard 21 or are you about to be 22 because that's kind of like you know there's like a difference and she's like i'm i just turned 21

and i'm like uh fuck uh you you've been to church recently you like you like uh are you into like youth group like anything weird happened to you at any camp? Anything like that? Did your dad ever yell at you? Did your dad ever, like, you know, like, y'all were, like, wrestling and, like, fighting, and then he just, like, punched you in your chest real hard? No? No, you had a mostly normal? Growing up, did your dad have any friends who, like, kind of looked like me? Yeah.

Did you ever, like, if that, first of all, two questions. Did you have, did your dad have any friends that looked just like me, A, and B, did you want to, I don't know, jack them off or whatever? Like, to where they could keep their polo shirt on because it would be, like, weird to them if they took it off. Yeah, yeah, because they're kind of, like, they're not fat, but, like, they're getting on in age. So, like, they used to be fit, you know,

but they're kind of, like,'re getting on in age so like they're they used to be fit you know but they're kind of like getting just old belly you know like all i see is zoom like the zoom call has been disconnected for like 10 minutes i've just been talking to look up and there's a hole through the through the front of your laptop that you punched like two hours ago it was long enough ago to where your knuckles are starting to scab with the glass still in there the yeah the the like the opposite spectrum of that is obviously you 21 doing a show with a 28 year old like girl boss you know that would be cool me i don't know it would be annoying it wouldn't be obviously you mean like a call her daddy type yeah yeah like like trying to hold on to the 20s type bitch you know like really like clearly she's like 29 but

she's like i went out last night i fucked i don't even know like you know like one of those type of like barstool smoke shows dude honestly that show would probably crush you'd make more money doing that show than this show yeah 21 i would make like 50 000 yeah yeah dude honestly 21 year old like svelte thomas working in a landscaping job and then like 28 year old she says creepy stuff to you but it's not creepy because you're like be like uh yeah she's she's like if you're just a little bit older my God, I'd fucking ride you like a roller coaster. And you're like, oh, you. Please don't even, like, as a joke ever say that again. That was weird, man.

It was weird? I'm doing the girl voice. Is it weird? What if I did it in this one? Oh, boy, I'd ride you like a fucking freight train. I don't like that either. You don't like that one? Oh, man.

Now, boy, I tell you what. Okay, boy, I'd like you like a little donkey. We go for ride now. We go for ride now across time. We go down El Capucco on mule for me. Okay. But if you want to do it, I'm so thirsty. I'm so tired.

So here's the new plan. We're going to fucking skyrocket. We're going to use the success of this show to catapult two shows. My show. Because this is definitely at a level we can catapult. Yeah, right. Exactly, yeah. So I'm going to do the show with some 21-year-old that goes to Arizona State,

and I'm going to get canceled immediately. Before the first episode's out. Yeah, first episode. I'm done. As soon as you follow her back. Yeah. As soon as I DM her, like, hey, want to do a podcast? Blocked. You're not allowed to send any messages to this person.

And then you are going to reach out to the caller daddy bitch, and you're going to be like, hey, I have successful show it's almost successful as yours so i was wondering if uh if you wanted to do a show with me where you kind of make sexually suggestive comments to me and then i kind of giggle them off and uh and i think we should move in together too like i think it would be better if i lived kind of like in your closet maybe under your house yeah i've been talking a lot to dave portney not really but like in my head i think it would be a good idea um dude me and dave portney would be is it portney i thought it was portnoy it's whatever i say it is man okay keep fucking questioning the way i talk man i was

not trying to be fucking, like, volatile or mean to you. I used to say Portnoy, but I've seen people say Portney, and it's shorter to say Portney, so that's fine by me. Yeah, that's fair. It's easier to say. Yeah, more like Dave Short Boy. I know we already did this on an episode, but I'm not going to go down it again. We don't need to, but

the tiptoe thing is just my favorite fucking thing in the whole world. It rocks. It's, I don't know. We discovered that he's like 5'9", 5'10". You don't got to be doing that, but whatever. Yeah, so that's the new point. Listen, if you're listening to Pendejo Time, please be on the lookout for my show. What would my show be called?

Jailbait? That would be a great one. No, that would not be a good one. That would be a great one No that would not be a good one That would be a really bad one And then yours would be called I don't fucking know You and an old like Rock forever 21 but just turned 30 type bitch

Have you listened to any of the Donda stuff? No. I just saw a picture of a fat-ass Marilyn Manson standing next to the baby and thought that was pretty funny. I love that picture because I don't know... Kanye brings so many people together in his creative endeavors, and I think it's cool.

I haven't liked anything Kanye's done since Yeezus. I know that's a stupid take, but it is mine and i stand by it but he does bring people together that like can you imagine da baby being like like he's uh i don't know how old he is but i know he's younger than marilyn manson he's probably like 24 or something i thought he was a little older like closer to 30 like closer to my age but anyway like i know he knows who maryland manson is probably knew about him as a kid and now he's like standing across from him like at a big stadium you know and it's like did you ever think that you would hang out with the beautiful people guy or like the fucking creepazoid from yeah it's also like six months after like maryland manson got like a shit ton of, like, rape accusations. And then Kanye's like, yeah, dude, we got to get you to stand on this porch.

And Marilyn Manson's like, fine. Yeah. Whatever. I forgot about that. Yeah, he, like, it wasn't even like a, yeah, he kind of kissed me and was kind of pushy. It was like a full-blown, like, yeah, he's like a, he's like the devil. Like one of those, like, real bad ones or whatever. Yeah. Let's see. how old is the baby oh yeah the baby is you oh you're right the baby's 29 okay i don't know why i cared

but i i loved it i think we've said this already god we're fucking already coming back around to this but i don't know if we've talked about it but like when when it when when he got really big and people were like oh yeah he caught a body or whatever and then people like i would see tweets that like it was self-defense it doesn't count and it's like listen man i don't know if you like the person typing this have ever killed anybody i haven't but i feel like if you kill a man like regardless like if you kill a man i don't care if it's self-defense or not also when it's at walmart yeah yeah like if you gun a man down in a walmart park like if you mag dump on a dude in a walmart parking lot like i always pictured it as like he had the gun like in the part of the shopping cart where like

you can put like little baskets of fruit or whatever. Yeah, in that little... And the guy was also pushing a cart, and they just crossed each other in the aisle, and it was like a duel type thing. Yeah, yeah. Which is not how any shooting happens, but I like to picture it as a mob hit almost. Yeah. Yeah, these two guys with... This one guy had just a bunch of guns in his cart,

but I thought he was buying them. But he was coming to get me. You're trying to do a shooting at Walmart, and you're, like, trying to buy the gun for it right then. They're like, all right, just give me, like, a three-day wait on this to make sure the background check's all good. And you're like, can I have it now? And they're like, no, man, um but no worries you pass a background check and

all that it's just a it's a three-day it's just a state thing not a big deal you're not gonna really like you we'll call you when it's ready to pick up and you're just like all right cool i gotta make a lot of phone calls but um and the guy looks outside and like 40 escalades leave walmart a bunch of fbi plates leave yeah yeah yeah um i was gonna on the on the the kanye thread uh okay so like i i'm gonna ask you if you bought this if you thought it was real because it seems like it got buried so like the whole rumor that that jeffree star person was like staying with him in wyoming was like in hot in the news and then he gets divorced from kim k or whatever and then you hear nothing about it like

i know he has very well paid pr and management people that are very well connected and can bury stuff like I thought maybe it was legit like he was like fucking Jeffree Star or something and that's why he like I don't care I didn't look into it but I think it seems plausible I saw something from the Jeffree Star guy who was like

I've been like here in LA this whole time like with my partner or whatever. Oh. I don't, please don't, please stop this. I think the other guy was threatening to sue the people who were spreading the rumor, which I think, I guarantee, if it did happen, it got buried, and there's not going to. There's no way you could.

But also, honestly, I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not going to – There's no way you could – But also, honestly, I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like – I was just – Yeah, it's not like – I was just like – I remember seeing about it, and then I didn't hear anything about it. And usually when that shit happens, like, I remember right after Straight Outta Compton came out,

people were like, yeah, Dr. Dre, like, beat the – like, why didn't they include that he beat the fuck out of his, like – he was, like, a domestic abuser. then like literally like it went away after like three days like i didn't see anything about it on the internet or anything and that guy's like super well connected obviously he's fucking dr dre so i was like oh okay it's it's funny like from a musical standpoint like he hasn't really been that influential for a long time in terms of like the sound of music yeah but in terms of just music in general like record label shit and just production and stuff and and then just he knows everybody yeah yeah it's like uh puff daddy pd

whatever the fuck his name is now like uh he can do whatever he wants he did the he also sold his fucking shitty ass headphones and made like that is that it was such a fucking like boss move to like not be involved in music for like 15 years and then to make headphones for like crossfit guys and now like yeah now he it was also a good move because like now those headphones nobody gives a fuck about nobody gives a shit they were like if you didn't it's airpods now obviously but it was like a class signifier you were like yeah i got beats it's like not a big deal um they're pretty good they got really like solid bait like that's what i would hear about my friends who had like who would get beats they're like i would just be super jealous for all the mexican dudes who had them yeah They would always get them before anybody and then

wouldn't have money. Yeah. I mean, looking back, I had no idea how they got them. It was like, oh, they just grabbed them from the store. They just ran out with them, which is okay. I'm not saying every Mexican who had

Beats in middle school stole them. Are you saying Mexicans steal Beats? Are you fucking saying uh did you ever have you ever seen somebody get tased uh not in real life no i was uh pulling up at a walmart i almost got tased one time oh yeah that's nice that would have been sick, dude. That would have been a good one. Yeah, it wasn't the time you're thinking of. It was a...

Different time. Yeah, where I... Basically, I got in a fight, and then my fight or flight kicked in. So the fight was... I was done fighting or whatever, and then just ran. And then as soon as I started running, I was why did it why am i running yeah i wasn't i like got hit first yeah and then well

i'm like i'm not even in the wrong here what am i doing anyway yeah um there was there was cops there yeah i was at a rodeo very dude i so there was a fuck that other story there's a the pasadena rodeo in my hometown um and also the strawberry festival so there's like two big festivals that my hometown's known for like across the state it's pasadena rodeo and then there's a strawberry festival pasadena rodeo is exactly what it's the rodeo But both of them have an entire section of the stadium, like outside of the stadium, cordoned off for barbecue competitions. And it's some of the best fucking barbecue that you'll ever have in your fucking life. People come from all over the state, all over the country to, like, win these awards. But the fun part about it is all those guys are like big beard, fat belly guys who drink.

They start at like eight in the morning, right when the rodeo like the stadium opens up. Rodeo doesn't start till nighttime, but the barbecue thing lasts all day. They smoke the meat that day. So it comes out like right off the fucking smoker and they drink all fucking day. And so early on, it's like a good you know it's super fun go around try different sauces like see the rodeo um they have like mud volleyball they have rides like carnival rides it's cool as fuck but then around like 7 p.m all that beer and liquor starts getting to these fucking big ass motherfuckers and you're like walking around

trying barbecue but you there's just you can cut the tension with the knife because every every time you turn into a new booth some guys like i'll tell that motherfucker over there i'll tell him something he they're just in unintelligible the kind of yelling that you can only do when you've been drinking for like 13 hours you're like hey he's looking over here and his old lady's back over here. And when I saw him, I came over to him, and he's got an Oilers hat on, and he looked like my uncle. And I told him, and if he come over here again, I'll shove my fucking size 13 right up.

And her cooter was over here. Her took a pussy out. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? I told that boy, you come around here. I'll let you know right now. I don't believe that man on it. I'll ban barbecue. I went to the war.

All right. Anyway. And so the purpose of that part of the story is the police presence increases every hour past like 7 p.m. And I remember one time I was there, probably like 15 or 16, and I'm walking around like, you know, teenagers, shithead shit. Like, we're like stealing beers and shit from like the barbecue area and like fucking like old parents the cool old parents who are just alcoholics are like hey y'all want to take a shot what's up like oh i remember being a little kid like y'all come over and get fucked up blah blah i i'm hearing like shouts and screams and yells and like

get his ass like the the ride or die fat old lady wives that are like their fat husbands are fighting other fat husbands. Yeah. And they're like, you better whoop his ass. And if your wife says you better whoop his ass, you cannot even get punched one time. It like gives those guys like a buff. Like they like get like 10% stronger.

And there's like a three-on-three fat fat guy brawl and their wives are on the corner. Like you better fucking hit him. You better fucking whoop his ass. Put his dick in the dirt. You better get him Todd. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm seeing the cops. There's bike cops.

And they're just watching. And I'm like, man, when are they going to? But the bike cops are kind of like, eh, like elbowing each other. Like, that was a good one, man. I got fucking clock. And then all of a sudden one guy's like, I've seen enough. And then just pulls his taser out and then just, one of the fat guys.

And he fucking, like, dust, like Looney Tunes, like when the Acme Coyote, like, hits the ground in, like, a dust plume. And all the other fat guys, guys like stop and then try to run but they're like 5 9 3 80 so they're kind of like like they're like not going anywhere and the bike cops just like ram their bikes into them and shit and they all hit the fucking ground but it's like a rite of passage going to these events strawberry festival past to like stay there all day watch the liquor hit all the old fat fucks and then watch them beat the dog shit out of each other while

their wives be like, you better not come home. You get knocked out, pussy. You better don't even fucking think about getting into Tundra and coming home to me, brother. I'm like, dude, y'all are built different. You know, women are supposed to be the voice

of reason, but they've been drinking Miller Lite and fucking seltzers all day. So, like, God knows they ain't. They're not fucking being. They're not. You know, they're not trying to, like, talk anybody down. They're like, let's go. You don't want to go. You're down.

You better fucking kick him in his ass. You better put your him in his ass. You better put your dick in his ass. Yeah. You better put your fingers in his mouth. You better suck on him good. You better ride his face. I would say... So, Urban Cowboy...

I don't know if you know that movie with John Travolta. It was filmed, like, in that area. I've, like, heard the movie, but I haven't seen it. So, like, everyone, so Deer Park, Pasadena, Texas is, like, no one gives a fuck. It's a little suburb about 15, 20 minutes south of Houston proper. Nobody gives a fuck. It's like saying, like, I don't know what a comparable place outside of Dallas would be.

It's like being like, I'm from Frisco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, Urban Cowboy was filmed there. And all of the people who were around, it's an old movie, it's from, like, the 70s,

when John Travolta was, like, not, like, a guy who, like, got jacked off, allegedly, by, like, masseuses when he was, like, a heartthrob or whatever. So, a guy who like got jacked off allegedly by like masseuses when he was like a heartthrob or whatever uh so you go to like any of these events the only thing like if you talk to an older person they try like the only thing they can talk to you about is they're like i bet you don't even know urban cowboy you know that movie i'm like yeah my grandma and i used to watch together like

it's filmed here right by my house it's like the only thing that culturally happened in that area so every person over 50 is like yeah i mean they use my grandmama's house they shot outside of it and you're like i'm like oh man i i like don't care about you like but it's like it's like all those people like it's the only thing that ever happened there. So all of them, it's like a flex they have. I don't know. It's very fucking stupid. It's super fucking dumb.

I don't know. I mean, I guess if that's the only cool thing that ever happened to you in your life, you have to hold on to that. It's very fucking retarded. One thing that's funny is, you know Kevin Sorbo? Yeah, the fucking MAGA actor? He films a lot of his really awful movies out in Aledo.

Yeah. But I didn't know this until I saw two of them or whatever. There's this movie called, dude, I can't remember what it was called, but it was about a talking donkey, I think. Jesus. And Kevin Sorbo was in it, and the donkey was voiced by Ice-T. Yes. Okay.

I want to say this is a real movie and not something I just invented in my head. Yeah. But yeah, Ice-T was a mule, I think. And they were like, you know, it's in like fields and shit. And I didn't realize it was filmed in Aledo, but the whole... Yeah, the whole movie basically is like... You know, it just looked really familiar. familiar and i looked up and it was like oh i drive through here to get to work okay yeah ict had to pretend to be a mule out here yeah well if you want to pay to see that movie're going to need something to hold your money in.

Man, I was about to say, that was not the best lead-in, but we'll work on that. Hey, man, it's all right. So, if your name is, if you like, I used to do this on NCIS. Right. And if you need cash in something, it might as well be a wallet. And if you have a wallet, you need to take that motherfucker. NCIS, need cash in something? Ice-T for the Ridge Wallet.

That's what I was... That ties it all together. We got Ice-T. All right, that's the full ad read's that's that all right that ties it all together we got iced tea all right that's the full ad read i'm that's the full ad read so you're gonna need a new you're gonna we just i'll tell you two to three things i like about the wall first off i really like um how how slim it is right you. You know, you got these big, fat, honky-ass wallets nowadays with the chains and all that other punk rock bullshit on them. Yeah. You know what?

You go around looking like some kind of hoodlum. Mm-hmm. You look like, you know, you're in Limp Bizkit or something. Mm-hmm. I like it because it's slim. It's minimalistic, you know? Right. And, Jake, don't they have a few different colorways?

They do. They have so many different options. They have carbon fiber, burnt titanium. And even though it's slimline, like my friend Thomas just said, it's also fucking drumroll it out, hold up to 12 cards plus room for fucking cheddar cheese brother and each wallet comes with a fucking lifetime warranty so you can throw that motherfucker off a cliff go find it you can run it over lifetime warranty means yeah that's what it means you can i think it does uh and can, it's fucking built to last.

Not like the shitty wallet that you got right now in your back pocket filled with fucking maxed out credit cards and like fucking HEB receipts. And if you're ever hanging around some fucking hackers or you're like at one of them Matrix style. Fucking hanging around a hacker. Hackers or some of the, one of the matrix style fucking trance parties in a cave and you're like fuck i don't want to get hacked and robbed by fucking neo it's got rfid blocking tech that protects you from digital pickpocketers so what you're going to want to fucking do

if you if i if i just sold you on all the cool shit about this fucking wallet on this this-ass wallet, you're going to want to go to ridge.com slash pendejo and use coupon code pendejo. P-E-N-D-E-J-O. Folks, that's P-E-N-D-E-J-O. J-O. Gotta love it. And you can get 10% off anything on the fucking store.

And you get a chance of winning a... An off-road optimized convertible 2020 Jeep Gladiator. Or 50 grand fucking cash, dude. If you prefer. The Gladiator is the one that has the truck bed in the back. I've got some opinions on that. Anyway, it's a badass vehicle. I saw the video of it driving around in the desert, and I was like, fuck, man.

Did we get to be in it? Yeah, it was in that ISIS convoy. No, it wasn't. That's not. It was not. Last year, they actually gave the, it was a 2019 Jeep Gladiator. They gave it to ISIS, which is really cool. No.

But they won fair and square. So that's good. It's got over 40,000 five-star reviews. Isn't that something? That is fucking insane. That's the population of Helena, something like that. That's crazy, man. That's the capital of Helena something like that that's crazy and that's the capital of Montana that's Helen not Helena but whatever man Helena nope uh it holds I already

said that no it's not uh it's you're wrong I have family there it's Helena it's it's at it's at the most it's Helene it is not, and we can talk about it later. So you're going to want to go to ridge.com slash pendejo. Use code again, P-E-N-D-E-J-O. Thanks again. This was brought to you by the Ridge Wallet. Ridge Wallet. All right.

Listen, motherfucker. It's H-E-L-E-N-E. I've heard Helene. I've heard Helen. I've never in my fucking – It it ends with an a dude no it does not does it yes dog shit i'm looking it up right now helena montana man you're right i'm fucking idiot yeah my fuck i have family there it's helena it's just a regular city name i didn't know what the fuck you're talking about i thought it was dude i've been i've heard helen and i've dude i think i've just been hanging out with fucking i think it might you might be just thinking of a different place legitimately because helene does sound like a place.

But yeah. I don't know. I'm searching everything. I think I'm just the dumbest motherfucker that's ever lived. Dude, I came out so hot thinking I was right. I'm a fucking idiot. Well, you were right about DaBaby being 29, so how about that? You know what, man?

One of my favorite UFC fighters is from there, but he's also stupid. So I think that he just says stuff wrong because he's like the dumbest motherfucker. He's from there and says it wrong? Yeah. Yeah. So I think he just like... Well, maybe people pronounce it like that and I've just never heard it. I'm not that opinionated about Helena, Montana. I'm sorry, man.

It's the thermogenic fuel fucking rain, dude. I feel like I could kill God right now, dude. I'm not that opinionated about Helena, Montana I'm sorry man, it's the thermogenic fuel Fucking rain dude, I feel like I could kill God right now dude, I'm fucked up I love Montana, I love All the places in it I'm trying to think of you I know a few places Bozeman, Missoula

Missoula, Bozeman, Billings, like the big cities there And even those are like the size Of like Weatherford Yeah, well I know like I know, I think it's Billings or Bozeman, Billings, like the big cities there. And even those are like the size of like Weatherford. Yeah. Well, I know like – I think it's Billings or Bozeman that like is like the cultural, like I guess what you'd call like the Portland of Montana, but like it's still Montana. Like it's not – It might be Bozeman.

Yeah. But I want to move there really bad. That's like the end goal for me. Like I want to own land out there. Yeah, that's my end goal is owning land. That's my end goal. Yeah, dude, honestly, I think it shouldn't even be legal to own land because I'm really like far left wing.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. you're like a malice or something yeah i'm a malice yeah how much uh how much like internet alt girl like tail do you get from saying that you're a malice like a lot you dm them a lot right right? Like at 3 in the morning? I don't. Yeah, you do. Dude, I don't talk to people. Yeah, you do, man. I don't, man. Did you put your phone away? We're professionals, man. Dude, is my camera still on?

Yeah. I still had the ad read pulled up. Earlier, I was like adjusting my balls, and they were just so close to being in camera view. But it's like at this point, you know. You did half the episode last month with your nut skin like one inch away from camera's view. Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to angle when I sat down. Like, oh, this will probably not. Yeah. But if I hadn't had like, like if I had boxers on instead of like briefs. Oh, it would have been curtains it would have been you would have been able to see like half a nut the entire time yeah i would have had to blur out like the bottom half of your body dude that would have been sick honestly yeah yeah like

not explain it just be like hey it's just an issue with the camera i don't know man it was just you know you like do me a favor and blur it down to like halfway past the shin. Halfway past your calf. Yeah. Your calf. Yeah. That's so awesome. You're like, yeah, sorry. Thomas' nut was like not having a big penis, but your nuts just are like. Yeah, my nuts are too big.

Sorry. Yeah. Having big nuts. Yeah. Having big nuts. Seems like it would be cool. Yeah. I don't have any, so.

Yeah. Mine are just regular and that's fine yeah you know it's all about ratios do your friends do you guys show each other your penises and your balls a few of mine have seen mine yeah um i would say probably probably probably 70 people have seen my dick as a joke. Right. Including famous comedian and hip hop producer

That was serious. Michael Rapaport. I'm going to find him and I'm going to put that in his nose. The go-to thing in my house when i lived with all my friends was the man tuck that was a classic one yeah honestly like like dick isn't that funny it's like a pretty serious thing nuts nuts are funny but like it you have to be a certain guy you have to be your go-to

um and if that is your go-to and you pull it off respect i know guys like that i've never been one of them just because you know i like to keep mine tucked away uh there so a very close friend of mine we went to a uh he were he like works for some tech company and anyway he invited us he invited me and all the gang to this to their like uh end of quarter sales party or whatever and uh we were like partying on like the roof or whatever and having a good time and uh one of the guys that he knows from work um he was like hey yeah this guy is just uh like he was like the guy's just, this guy is just, like, he was like, the guy's just, like, being weird and, like, doing the dick stuff, like, like, pulling his balls out in the pool

or whatever, and, but he was doing it too much, he was doing it way too much, and he also was, like, like, he would just, like, the shit he would say, like, he was clearly, like, a, like, a, like, a very conservative guy or whatever whatever but he just loved the balls and dick gag and uh i was talking to my friend about it and he was like yeah man i don't really know that guy all that well but he takes it really far and i was like no it's just like he's doing it a lot like he's probably just fucked up but he was like no man the last time we had one of these uh he came up behind me and bit me on the shoulder and i was like what he was like yeah dude like i think he's like one of those like hyper conservative guys like it's like a like a real big closet case and i was like

man you can't infer that he probably just like probably just a weird dude or whatever and then like we're sitting there and like we're taking shots like we're having a good time and like maybe a couple hours like i don't know we like ended the conversation and we're sitting there, and, like, we're taking shots. Like, we're having a good time. And, like, maybe a couple hours. Like, I don't know. We, like, ended the conversation, and we're sitting there, and one of his friends, one of his coworkers that I was friends with, too, he's sitting there, and we're, like, smoking a cigarette, and that guy comes up behind him and, like, bites him on his shoulder.

He's like, ha-ha, I got you. Ah. And he was like, dude. He was like, that is not, like, if you, like, slap slap a guy on the ass and you're like, ah, gotcha. Like football stuff, whatever. But like never when I played sports did I go up behind or a guy went up behind me and bit my like delt. Like my trap or whatever, you know.

Was like, gotcha bitch. Just like grabbing the back of your neck. Yeah, yeah, grabbing the back of your hair like yeah oh boy you're you're gay not me and and like he kind of like turned around and was like man you got to cut that shit out he's like oh why are you being weird just fucking around and it's like like i it was i never met the guy again never saw a hider and never saw him again but i was like that is like you know people are like you know it's funny to be like oh guys show each other their dicks and balls like this guy's like no everybody like that's just I don't know man it's just fucking but like that like going up

and like running your hands like to the back of the guy's hair and you're like man you're so gay brother you're so fucking gay dude like I don't know. I can't even handle it how gay you are. Yeah, you're in, like, the showers at the gym, and you're like, man. You're, like, gay, dude. You're like, man, I've never. You want to move in together? Because that would be really, like. That would be a funny thing to do.

That would be a very funny thing to do. What are you doing, man? You know, it's going to be a good episode when i'm checking every minute and a half to see if we have to go any longer um well you have something more pressing to do man yes i've uh i've had to shit for like 40 minutes uh the whole fucking episode as soon as we got like that's why i shit beforehand as soon as we got like 10 minutes in, which to me is too far to go back. I don't want to do an extra 10 minutes. Yeah. You don't want to pause it and go shit and come back to it.

Yeah, it hit me around there, and I was like, I guess it will just be a bad episode, and that's fine. Yeah. Like, eh, you know, it's like – There's been a couple that we did early that i just got we talked about it that like i just got way too drunk and i realized it like like the couple of the early ones that i like got way way too drunk yeah and about 22 minutes in i realized i'm not gonna remember anything dude i don't remember stuff we say now and we're both i don't i'm not drinking as much yeah i mean

i'm not yeah um yeah no that happens all the time i've told you this before like when people do clips of the show i'm like i didn't that's not me i didn't say that shit like the clip about the the bathroom you went to that had all the condoms in the trash can. I was like, dude, I don't remember that, like, at all. Yeah, I mean, I remembered it, but I wasn't telling it, like, a bit. Like, I hadn't, that wasn't a planned story or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just something that happened that day. Yeah, it happened that day that you were like,

I'm going to talk to Jake about this or whatever. Yeah. You know, I came to you as a friend, as a confidant, you know. Thank you for being here. And people just spill my secrets and i don't know who's telling them it'd be funny if i didn't know that this was broadcasted to people yeah i just send you like money every month and you're like thanks i guess this is the easiest job ever we have this radio show no one listens to and um thank you for being my friend

thank you Europeans my friend so good man thank you for peeing on me I don't know thank you Europeans my friend what do you think for Jake that was your idea for that one yeah Thank you, Europeans, my friends.

What do you think for it, Jake? That was your idea for that one. Yeah. I don't know, man. You know what, dude? We should go to Europe. Which part? Prague, maybe. I don't know.

I feel like Greece would be good to me. Yeah, you've got a sort of a Macedonian type, whatever the fuck that means. I just want to eat grapes and wear a toga. Yeah, I... I could do that at my house, but it would just be like being depressed. I've never been to Greece. I'm going to wear loincloth. Like an old Roman slave.

Dude, being a gladiator must have fucking kicked so much ass. Dude, it would have sucked. We would have both gotten killed immediately. Yeah. It would be like having a mandatory boxing tournament at a refinery. Where you're just like, oh, fuck. Every one of these guys has heavy ass hands and every one of these guys hates being alive. Yeah.

Dude, that would be, man, that would be... Fuck all of the, like, low-level UFC fights. Like, go to any refinery, like, on the coast, like Galveston, Houston, Texas area, and just set up a bunch of cameras and be like, all right, there's a million dollars at stake here. Every one of you. How many are you out here on this team? 100? 120?

All right. Million dollars at stake, and then 100 grand for the rest of your life. Yeah. There would be guys – yeah, a million dollars. There's guys there who make that in like five years, but they would be like, I'm in. Yeah, there's guys who work like in the office that pull like a quarter million, like punching numbers into it. that pull like a quarter million like punching numbers into it dude those guys the the site managers the site manager the place i worked at was such a fucking dickhead i've talked

about him on the show before he like so the the place that i worked at they were all from arkansas like all the like they all had like a crew they ran together with and they all would drive their rvs down to like places along the coast where i live, where I'm from on the Gulf coast. And they would just set up shop there and then work at these places and they would hire each other and work with each other, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think I told you the time that guy almost fired his own dad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like that was like, like, I can't like, it's so funny to me to be a guy who, like, your whole life you're, like, a bootstrap guy. Like, you have that mentality. But you, like, have never worked. Like, you didn't work. Because some of those dudes legitimately worked their way up. Like, some of those guys, like, they weld for, like, 15, 20 years. And then they, like, their fucking hands are fucked up. And they're, like, from bending over, their spines are all fucked up.

And then, like, they just, like, move into like move into the office and they like do shipping and receiving or whatever and they make like 120 000 a year or whatever you know whatever whatever some insane number but some of those guys like from like they've never had any other job from like 19 years old they're just a foreman and then from like 22 till like they retire they're just like an office they're like a project manager or whatever. And those guys are the best. They are like, they like fire you for drinking a soda. They're like, I ain't paying you out here to sit down and fucking grab ass with each other.

And you're like, man, it's 112 degrees out here. I'm wearing like six layers of fucking, like I'm dying. Like this is torture. Like this is how they torture people like in abu grabe like this is not now i am being paid not very well in my mind you but yeah those guys rock man we should open our own uh oil refinery start a construction company but neither of us understand like we only have ever done we've all we've done like two trades each and so we can build like we can build like eight percent of a house yeah not yeah like i yeah like i we could like maybe maybe figure out

how to lay concrete maybe like but then it's like it comes to like the engineering aspect of it and like have having like load-bearing walls and it's like do you want to just like go home i mean with most of that like you don't have to do the work is it no it's an owner yeah as a contractor whatever i mean they just they have people do most of shit for them yeah that's true i didn't like i've known contractors who literally did not work like at all. Really? They just kind of like... They just subbed everything out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that's... Yeah, like they bid on a project and then they just hire guys from Home Depot or whatever. Or like they get a sub... Or they have set crews that they'll hire on for projects. Right, right, right, right. Okay. Yeah, right, right, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That was kind of like when I was doing home remodeling.

We were the subcontractors. We were like, that was us. Like a guy hired the guy that I worked under for us to do the job that he was hired to do. And he would be there every day. I think he like, he didn't own the house, but I think he, like, knew the guy that did or something. I don't know, but he was there all the time. And he would just, like, eat roller taquitos and, like, smoke cigarettes

and be like, hot up there? And, like, the shingles are, like, literally, like, burning skin off my legs. I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's hot. It's super fucking hot. What a sick loadout. a sick life dude like of all the loadouts you can get like construction fail son that's not a bad one yeah like you uh uh i like i like it when uh those guys are like yeah i, I worked my way up. I learned how to use a Bobcat with my dad for two months, and then he gave me a brand-new Denali, and he said you have to drive around and look at houses

and see if they're done being built yet. And if they ain't, you're going to call them on the phone, and we're going to get paid well i don't know 80 grand and i'm only you gotta work your way up i'm only giving you 10 grand for every project and we do six projects a month yeah so i don't want you to think i don't want you to get spoiled now i don't want you to get spoiled making 60 grand a month half of that under the table non-taxable i don't want you to get spoiled now. I don't want you to get spoiled making $60,000 a month, half of that under the table. Non-taxable.

I don't want you to get spoiled now with this Hellcat paid for by company money that was not taxed. By the way, I am going to give you a per diem. That's untaxable for the first year, okay? But we're starting you off small, $150 a day. Non-taxed, okay okay now you you show your worth is my boy we'll bump you up 250 a day per day non-tax first year but you got to remember that that comes with a price that comes you got it you got it i'm not just handing this to you. No, you've got to show up every day two hours late,

and you've got to sit in your truck and look at conservative trucker memes on your phone. You've never driven a truck, and you've got to spit Copenhagen out the side of your window onto the work truck and yell at everybody for five and a half hours. It's hard. And if you – I don't want to – and there will be consequences. You think drunk driving is easy? Yeah.

If you start showing up – now, listen. The team is going to be there bright and early, 6 in the morning. If you show up at 9.30 in the morning hungover, barking orders, show up at 9.30 in the morning hungover, barking orders, and you do that 60, 70 times in a row, I'm going to send you back to my house where you live. Well, the house that you live in that I own. And there will be consequences, okay?

I'll bump that per diem down 220 a day. I'll take the Denali away. You can drive the Tundra. I know it's a 2016. I know. I know you don't want to hear that but i will and yeah i mean dude those guys are so fucking sick man like i know that it's very like it's a fucking dead horse to like joke about those dudes but like it's when you know like i grew up with guys like that. They went to my high school. And they're all on Facebook now. And they're, like, the first guys that are, like, must be easy collecting $600 a week unemployment. Must be real fucking nice.

Sit on your ass. And it's, like, dude, I've never worked a job with you, but I have friends that have. You cruise in 11 a.m., like, Miller Lite cans in the back in the bed of the tundra okay like you like your snapchat story all last night was like you with the honky-tonk like yak the fuck out with some like buckle bunny type bitch like busted his fuck muffin top type lady like you don't you know and again like but they don't, like, they've been so warped, obviously. There's nothing that you can't say or do anything to get them to come around to the idea that they're, like, not that way, you know.

Like, they all work, you know. It's such a sick, like, I'm making fun of them, but, like, kind of like how we were talking about on the last episode with the guy from Chechnya, another really cool type of guy to be to just win the genetic lottery. It's like the opposite. It's like a guy who has everything because he's done things that you could not imagine. Yeah.

And then there's a guy who has... Enough. Has in his own world everything. Yeah. And he has done nothing. Yeah. Ever. He has never done anything.

Yeah. There is nothing that he ever done nothing. Yeah. Ever. He has never done anything. Yeah. He. There is nothing that he ever has accomplished. Yeah. But I think, like, a lot of the, I mean, a lot of the, like, this is kind of what frustrates me about, like, when some people talk about blue-collar people, like, people from the South. Like, there are definitely rednecks and poor people, obviously. Like, that's so true.

But a lot of the people that are like, Oh, these MAGA idiots. It's like, these are all guys with like engineering degrees and they drive work trucks and they drive like big duallys and shit, but they've never like done anything. They've never done like,

they've never worked in a, in like a kitchen. They've never like swung a fucking hammer. They've never laid, they've never mowed. They like get people to do that shit. So like when people are like, Oh, all these stupid, like Maga, I'm like, yes, there are like Maga people who live in the fucking woods, whatever. A lot of them are like educated guys who make like a quarter million a year and they've

never, ever like broken a sweat in their whole fucking lives. They have all the accoutrements of somebody who's done – because that's a part of the fucking, you know. It's like the South equivalent of a kid who goes to NYU on Legacy, and he's like, yeah, I make art, and his dad's like, you know, a pedophile, like, art dealer or whatever. Yeah, like how you did. Right, 100%.

Yeah, my dad is definitely a New york car dealer i'm gonna that would be such a funny rumor to try and spread to like get you like throw dirt on you yeah jake actually comes from a lot of wealth his dad's like a hollywood producer yeah yeah yeah anybody with like hat like who listens to the show could easily probably Google and find my dad on Facebook. And all he posts is, like, taxi driver, like, the movie, like, clips. And then, like, blurry pictures of him at, like, lakefront bars where he's, like, about to fall over due to, like, sodium intake. Like, that's, like, he's not. Like, all the pictures he, like, when I go home and, like, we do hang out, like, all the pictures that he posts, go home and like we do hang out like all the pictures that he posts like he'll take it like in his camera it just has like fingerprint and like sausage grease on it

so it just has like a tone like a it almost adds like an instagram filter like how fucked up it is yeah you're like uh i don't know if you guys know this but like we have a falling out for whatever reason you're like guys jake's been lying his dad is like was like weinstein affiliated like he helped fund like pulp fiction like and people are like guys who follow me they're like i know jake's dad he just like crashes forks lifts for a living like he doesn't like he uh i tried blackmail him by posting a picture of him like like, throwing up on Chelsea Handler at a bar. Yeah. And it's just a blonde lady who, like, works at Dollar General.

You're like, no, that's Chelsea Handler. And some guy's like, no, that's. I actually don't know what Chelsea Handler looks like. It was just a famous person. Dude. I know she's blonde, right? Yeah, she's blonde. Like a thin nose maybe.

Yeah, she's, like, busted up nose maybe? Yeah, she's like busted up pretty bad. Really? That's too bad. Dude, she had like a, I think it was a stand-up set maybe? Uh-huh. Or a book that she did. I don't know. But she went to Africa.

Oh, hell yes, dude. She took a bunch of pictures of her like with her tits out. with her tits out and like but it like wherever she was at it was the norm to like for women to have the like to not wear tops or whatever whatever uh but she did like a girl boss thing about it and like that like she had kind of a run there where she was like the baddest bitches on the planet i'm i'm here in fucking you know senegal or whatever i'm down here in africa baby yeah yeah making it work yeah i'm getting money out here baby i'm getting and like she had like a little stand-up thing where she showed pictures of her like she turned like the white woman guilt on facebook who goes to kenya and takes pictures with a bunch of like smiling like you know poor children into children into a fucking book deal or some shit.

I forget exactly what she had going on. That's awesome. Good for her. Yeah. Anyway, if you like this, you should go to patreon.com slash pentehotime and toss us a little cheddar cheese. I have to go to the bathroom.

Thomas has to shit. Last time he had to piss, so that's why we yeah i need to just keep like a trough yeah you just need to have a like a colostomy bag or i need that makes for you know yeah episodes there's nothing wrong with you you just like wear a diaper you're like i like to just we'd like i just get depressed enough to where i'm like i just wear like like pampers yeah it's fine yeah people are like are you gonna get help and i'm like no i can change them myself like it's not a big deal no we're good we make like 10 grand a month it's just like i don't want to like do this anymore like be alive or whatever like all right i'll see you man i like i like go hop my bed it's like a giant baby crib that i like had built for myself

yeah it's just covered in shit and piss and vomit you're like yeah it's just how i live you know that would be silly anyway bye fuck off