Pendejo Time - Rock The boat

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Here comes the big fish! 

Rock, rock the boat, don't suck the boat's owner. Rock the boat, don't fondle the boatman. Rock the boat, don't suck the boat's owner. Fondle the boat. Don't get a boat boner. Don't get a boat boner. Captain of the ship's got a boat boner. Don't look at him.

He's the boat owner. Boat the ship, wear the ship shoes. Wear the clothes, they're good for you, wear the clothes, wear them on deck, wear the clothes, you have a knack. Eating crab, eating a crawfish, comes from the boat and it's real yummy, eat a shrimp, getting our boat, good making boat, go really fast now. Anchor stop, lift it down, go down, going up, lifting and going, anchor up, now you can't go forward and it's good to be on ocean.

Working on a boat, it's really fun, don't have to see all of my family going on a boat, living with lots of guys sleeping in bed with my boat captain. Big white boat going to ocean looking fish and it's good catching, get the rod, get catching fish, get the shark and it's got big teeth. Jellyfish sometimes in my net can't eat those so I throw them back now, got a tuna, you can eat that good, make a dish for my whole family. Squids are good and they have ten legs, you can have two legs and five guys, then it makes 10 legs like a squid, and it's long to be a guy. Silly snake in my big fishnet.

Uh-oh, he just bit my arm. I'm going to die on this big boat, but it's OK because I'm with my boat friends. Catch a boot, catch another boot, catch a pair of pants and a shoe, catch a pair of a shirt and socks, and catch a pair of pants and a shoe catch a pair of a shirt and socks and catch a pair of earrings got an outfit in my boat net very cool and there's a wig too now I get to dress like a pretty lady on my boat and I got snake bites found a body found a

found a body found a body and I'm can't see anything else, not seeing the light of God. And it's a cold, it's a cold night. And I am trembling, and the body feels so cold, so cold against me. I'm in love, in love with the body. It's a young, young, young man. He seemed like he had his life all in front of him now. His eyes are blue, and his lips are gray

and his tongue is kind of blue. He looks like me, looks like me, me too. And I'm scared because he looks just like me. And I caught him in my big fish net. What to do? Can't call the police. He looks just like me. Actually, I think it's my body.

I caught a body in a fishnet that looks like me. Catch the big, catch the booty fish. Catch it and you can come squeeze it. Catch the big, catch the big booty fish. And it feels so good to squeeze it. It is so juicy. Squeeze the big booty fish. Yummy.

And it tastes like a yummy fish. But it looks like a booty. Big scales, scales like shaped booty. And it looks just like a booty. Big scales, scales like shaped booty, and it looks just like a booty. Bouncy fish bouncing on the deck, bouncing it, bouncing all over you. Hey, everybody. We got the bouncy fish on my big net,

and the body that looks just like me. I was scared, but now I feel sexy. Got the sexy fish, and I'm going to have big party with the big booty fish. Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze it. Make it feel good. Suck on the fish till he produces green eggs. And then you have so many eggs for your new friend, your new dead body friend that looks just like you.

You can eat tasty green fish eggs. Make the booty fish right the body and make it have orgasm causing orgasm with the fish and I did that to a corpse. It's not illegal if you're in the ocean to produce green fish eggs with a dead body. When you produce so many fish eggs you can sell them at the fish egg market. They're produced by a dead cadaver and a big booty fish that we found. Fish can get pregnant in booty and you can do it with a whole fish because it's made out of booty and it can have babies

with humans. Oh my god, the fish is real pregnant from the body that looks just like me. And it's giving birth through its green egg. And it looks like me. And a fish combined, I'm naming him Bibitongandi. His name is very Bibitongandi. He's going to be a big boatman, just like his daddy.

And he's got a fish but and he rocks a boat rocks a boat and he's big booty big booty big baby big booty baby yeah calling Coast Guard we've caught a big booty baby. I'm not sure what to do with it. We might just throw it back. I don't know. It feels weird to have. I want you to know that I found it and that I didn't bring it.

I found it and I have noticed such a lack of desire to keep it. I've just got it in the ice chest right now. Yeah, I want to make it very clear that I found the big booty baby off the coast of the to keep it. I've just got it in the ice chest right now. Yeah, I want to make it very clear that I found the big booty baby off the coast of the Gulf of America. I just found something I didn't want. Before you tell him anything, hey, guys, I just want to let you know that I found something I don't want.

I need you to know off the jump I don't want what I found. Well, what did you find? It's a well It's it's a type of it's a type of baby. It's not a normal baby. It's got a really big How do I put this? The area where you'd normally put a, normally it would wear a diaper. It's got a huge booty there.

OK, and you found. Is there a way to make it smaller? You don't want it. I don't want it. I found it on accident. OK. I had normal bait on the hook Not baby food, okay

We're gonna want to come to your location and we're going to want to bag it as evidence Yeah, what should I should I feed it anything is it alive? Is it supposed to be? I guess it doesn't have to be, but it is a human baby with a large butt. Is that what you're saying? That that's what that is? Yes.

And you don't want it? I don't want it. I have it, but I don't want it. I didn't even mean to have it. I meant for somebody else to have it. I didn't even mean for anybody to have it. I didn't even mean to have it. I meant for somebody else to have it. I didn't even mean for anybody to have it. I didn't mean it for it to be here at all. And I don't like seeing it here.

What is the nature of your shipping vessel? What is the purpose of it? Are you a shrimp trawler? Or do you hunt trophy fish? This is a it's a like a big dingy okay it's called tiny Johnny's big dingy okay I know that doesn't sound like a good name for the situation but it'd be funny and so it's a big dingy are you tiny Tiny Johnny? No. OK. So I don't think the baby is either.

I don't know. I haven't asked him. Let me get with my superior. Hey, we've got a guy here. We don't know his name. We're working on his location now. He says he's the captain of Tiny Johnny's Big Dingy, and he has a big dingy boat.

And he's found a human baby with what he describes as rather large butt cheeks. He says he doesn't want it boat and he's found a human baby with what he describes as rather large butt cheeks. He says he doesn't want it and he never wanted anyone to have it. Sounds like he wants it. Well, I'm going to choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know that if I was in this situation

and I had a boat called Tiny Johnny's Big Dinghy and I found a human baby with a big butt, I would probably not want to tell people, but he did the right thing in calling the Coast Guard. OK, so what we're going to do for you, man, is we're going to take you to prison for the rest of your life. On account of what?

This is kind of the opposite of what I wanted to hear. I understand. But is this already happening? I guess do I just kind of do whatever I want with it? Don't. Don't. Careful. You're going to want to keep that baby safe

so we can tag it as evidence when we take you to prison for the rest of your life. OK. Well, let's just jump back off. It's going to take us 15 hours to get to you, though, because you are at point Nemo. So you're going to want to stay there and not escape or not throw the baby back or do anything.

What if the baby starts moving around? Oh, good question. Track the baby's or do anything baby starts moving around question Track the baby's movements with an app. I'm sending to your phone now called the baby movement logger and Viewer and then you're gonna want to track the baby's movements on that okay? I'll just I've been giving it a bunch of water Okay, that's good That's good. OK. It's OK. It's OK.

I'm just giving it a bunch of regular water. OK, that's good. Just like grown-ups have. OK, that's perfect. Just distilled water. That's all I've green. Great. I'm sure that's good for the baby.

Were you able to ascertain as to why it had such large butt cheeks, or is this just not? I've been trying to avoid looking at them. But every time it crawls to one side of the boat, that side of the boat almost tips over. Oh, wow. It's so big. Where's a diaper that you would. Where's an adult diaper?

Okay. And I it's weird that I had adult diapers with me. I had it for something else but I've been changing the diapers. Been changing the diapers every couple minutes just to be safe. What color is the baby? It's white. OK, big booty. Well, it's super sunburnt right now. Big booty, sunburnt, white baby. Sunburnt as hell. It keeps splashing water on it and giving it more water

to drink. OK. And just dunking it deeply into the water to keep it cold. OK. I'm sure it doesn't spoil. All right, we're just going to go through the- we're going to go through my notes here. Tiny Johnny's Big Dingy is a big dingy boat,

and he's got a sunburnt white baby with big butt cheeks on, and he's feeding it water, and he's dunking it in the water. Is that correct? Yes, it's true. And once again, I'd like to reiterate that I don't like the fact that it's here, and I wish it was somewhere else. And I wish that I was somewhere else.

I wish none of this had ever happened. OK, well, we will take that into account when we speak with the chancellor, chancellor of boat crimes. And we're about 14 hours and 53 minutes away from you. So just sit tight. OK. OK, bye.

OK, goodbye. Good news, baby. Me and you are going to Hollywood. Oh, OK. Well. Oh, god, you can talk. Yeah. How old is this?

Yeah. How old am I? Yes. I haven't been in the ocean for a long time, maybe something like, I don't know, 33,000 years. I've been down there getting stronger. I've been down there getting strong as hell. Eating squids. You eat squids?

Yeah. Yeah, I eat a whole bunch of stuff. I ate squid, jellyfish. I got to keep, that's what keeps my butt cheeks so big. So I guess I'm technically a baby in so far as I do resemble one. In form. In form, you're definitely a baby. Yeah, but in spirit, I'm something way more sinister and profoundly evil.

And thank you for freeing me from my cold, dark blue prison. I am going to make all of you pay, all of you being humankind, for what you've done. I'm sort of a steward, if you will, a custodian of the seas. People used to draw pictures of me with a big fork and make me real strong, but that's not what I look like. I don't know why they did that. Some people call me Neptune. Neptune? Yeah, some people call me Neptune. I don't know why.

That's not my name. Does it have anything to do with the car wash? No. I know. I think some weird dressed fellows gave me that name a long time ago. I guess I am the god of the seas. I'm a baby. I look like a baby. I've got a large set of butt cheeks and I wear an adult diaper.

Yeah. Where do you get diapers? Always had them. Did you grow them? No, I always had them. You know how like the moon's just always been there? And you know how? It has? Yeah. You know how time always moves linearly forward? I've always had to die for it. I didn't know any of this.

Yeah. Yeah, I got a whole bunch of secrets about the universe. You can ask me any of them. I'm not going to make nobody pay or nothing yet. Is there a way to get my booty bigger, like huge babies? Yeah, I can do it for you right now if you want. OK. There's surely there'll be no repercussions later on in my life.

No, no, no. You can have one bigger than mine if you want. OK. There's surely there'll be no repercussions later on in my life. No, no, no, no. You can have one bigger than mine if you want. You want it? Yeah. All right. Huge, ain't it? Oh, it's so big. It's busting out of my pants.

Size of a ruby hair. Yeah. My booty's so big now. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to the Coast Guard, because I don't even know if you'll still be here. Now it'll look like I threw a baby over the side of the ocean, and then my ass got giant. Nah, they'll understand.

Them fellas, they'll understand. I do think it's funny. If there's one thing the Coast Guard probably will understand, it's a man with a big booty. 100%. They do love that type of shit. I mean, I've got to ask you, though. I just basically gave you the opportunity to have a wish

or to understand esoteric forbidden knowledge of the universe, and you chose to have large butt cheeks. I didn't realize I was getting one wish granted. I mean, you can have another one if you want. I'm going to kill everybody in the whole world here pretty soon. Hey, yeah What's your second? I want my penis to be smaller. Okay the size of a normal babies Okay, so big that is big but I have no idea actually I have no idea what that would look like Actually, I have no idea what that would look like. I just realized I have no frame of reference.

Yeah, it could be big, don't you? It could be huge. You know what I mean? Imagine you made that wish and it got bigger. Yeah. No. Fuck. A lot of goddamn seven.

Yeah. If Genie gives you three wishes, what you going for? I think a lot of them would be, well, I don't know. At least, unfortunately, at least one would be related to my own comedic career. OK. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, that's a given.

I understand that. Yeah. For sure. But if I could lump in other people, too, with that one wish, I would. And then it wouldn't be that selfish of a wish. Yeah. But I probably wouldn't get to.

They'd probably say, no, it's just yours. And it'll be at the expense of everyone else around you. And I'd say, fine. Whatever. I'll take it. Oh, it's so hard. And it'll be at the expense of everyone else around you. And I'd say, fine, whatever. I'll take it. Oh, it's so hard for me to make this decision. Oh, whatever. Yeah, I'll do it. That's cool.

I mean, you know, everybody, you always have that thought, like, well, I'd make sure people live like a super long time. But I was like, I don't know if I would. Yeah. Like, I don't want to force people in my life to live to like 150, and then they're just in hell. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

This hurts so bad. Yeah. I'm also like 150. I've had lung cancer for 75 years. I was supposed to die like 400 years ago. And now I'm just stuck in this fucking shell. I use my one wish on like getting podcasters back together. First off, I would like for the Comptown guys to continue their regular programming. The Genie is like, dude, I'm talking like billions of dollars here. Huge to text me back regularly and not once every six months.

Three, I would like Adam Fuehlen to respond more regularly whenever I Apple Pay request $100 for him randomly every once in a while just to see if he accepts. And four, and they say, no, you don't get a fourth on. Four, I will crush at open mics more often, not all the time. Yeah. And that doesn't mean I get any spots. I'm just doing the same open mics. You're the best open mic'er in New York. I'm just doing the same open mics and You're the best open mic or in New York. Let's open my cup

But anytime I get a 10 minute spot I fuck it up Eat shit. Yeah, I did one. I did one yesterday last night. It's pretty good Not too not too shabby And and now everything's coming true for me, you know What would your three wishes be? Mmm off the rip to be like Jacked and lean but I can do whatever I want off the off the rip. We're solving the body image stuff like oh, yeah, dude

Getting Jackie Chan body would fix most of my yeah mm-hmm yeah and I mean with that was ism too yes yeah being athlete honestly being super athletic would be almost as fun as being like you know what I mean looking good yeah yeah if I could if I could find the willpower to like actually look the way I wanted to, I think it would maybe bring me, probably wouldn't bring me any happiness at all. I probably, I mean I felt bad when I was really fat and I felt bad when I was pretty fit and I think maybe I just have one of those minds that's like, even if I was a bodybuilder I probably would just be unhappy. But that's just- I think every bodybuilder is, I mean would just be unhappy. You know what I mean? But that's just think everybody builders. I mean, yeah

Rich Piana now and it's like his whole thing was like still not satisfied, you know So maybe that is it layers a level of truth to that I feel like the only reason you get into that is maybe because you have that same bug to you more obsessively But let's go jacked and lean for one, and then I can eat whatever I want. So I guess that's one wish. Probably overnight, same as you, just touring stand-up, so I'm the jacked lean.

Basically, if I had three wishes, it would to be Matt Reif, I think. That would basically be my third wish. Yeah, third wish, fake black guy. Yeah, third wish, cool, fake black guy. Honestly, making one of your genie wishes to be for the black community to fucking love you, I would not argue with that at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you just like for worldwide any hood, you step in. Oh, dude, being loved by black people is it just so amazing feeling Who do you think's the most beloved white guy? In terms of the bowl. Oh period. I was gonna say white comics. Maybe Gary Owen Gary Owen. Okay. Yeah, have you seen him? You see the he's the guy he talks like Matt right, but I think he's just older. Yeah, I think he's just like

Like I think he's just legit like a cool guy I think he's like a Paul Wall type You know what I mean? Yeah, no for sure. I think he just grew up and you know like Certain area or whatever. Anyway, you know, no most beloved white guy by black people, Steve Irwin maybe. Yeah, that's a good one. Tony Hawk. Because a lot of them it's the same for white people and black people for a lot of them.

Yeah. You know, like. Bill Clinton was beloved by black guys. Yeah. At least per, at least, you know, I'm going off of the authority here. Mr. Andrew Schultz, he said recently that when Bill Clinton was like the face of the liberal

community, that's when liberals were cool, because he was getting his motherfucking D. And he was telling people what he's going to do, whatever he wanted to do, and he played the saxophone. And I think Andrew Schultz is probably like, if there's an emissary between the white and black community, it's probably Andrew Schultz, if I'm just talking truth, you know, spitting motherfucking facts-arino.

But yeah. And then probably my last wish, for me and my friend Thomas to become the new Safdie brothers. But instead of making movies about crime or whatever, we make movies about the perfect plate of pasta, or the perfect piece of candy. And it's an hour and a half long, and Robert Pattinson's in there for some reason.

And there's cool chase scenes, but it's not like about the desperation or whatever, a person or whatever. It's mostly just about how good a fucking piece of chocolate is or like a how good a pink starburst can make you feel On a really bad day. Yeah Black people really loved Alex Trebek What makes you say that? because I mean

Older people in general there was a generation that really, I mean, older people still fuck with game shows, but there was a generation before, like our grandparents, a generation, like really messed with game shows in general. And Alex Trebek was like, you know, maybe the best game show host of all time. Facts. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel you on that.

In terms of just like, I'm a hater by blood, and I liked Alex Trebek, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pat Sajak, not so much. Yeah. He was the Wheel of Fortune guy? Yeah, till like last year. He was the Wheel of Fortune guy for like 40 years. Bob like last year He was the Wheel of Fortune guy for like 40 years Bob Barker was an og2. That was a bad. That was a bad motherfucker

I used to watch the Price is Right with my grandma when I would stay home from school We would also watch Walker Texas Ranger together and and she would tell me that one time she met Chuck Norris at a Walmart and He signed her billfold, as she called it, and it made her feel really good. I wish something like that would happen to me, but nothing really happens to me like that. That's the way it comes.

Did you follow the, did we already talk about the, I was going to ask you if you saw the Shiloh Hendrix fiasco. Did we talk about that? I think we might have briefly. But I think I brought it up, but you said that it was somebody close to you, so you didn't want to. Hello? You said she was somebody close to you,

so you didn't want to talk about it. And I said, that's OK. I respect your privacy. No, it says my internet went out for a second. But no, I was just like, so I wanted to, I brought it up because other people have been trying to pull that same thing. Like that couple that filmed themselves singing

Kanye's new and awesome song. And they were like, please help us relocate from the left-wing mob. And they set this goal for like 100 grand. They've got like four4,000 right now. And $4,000 is $4,000. That's a decent chunk of change. But I just find it kind of odd that it

feels like these guys just discovered like the GoFundMe scam. You know what I mean? Like some of them. Like Andy Ngo was doing it for a long time. He would show up to a protest and then get his nose broke by like a fucking blue-haired social media manager.

And then he'd raise like $150,000 crying about how his freedom of speech was shut down by a 5'2", like Enby. And now these other the dregs of society, these kind of low-down dogs, they're getting in on it too. And I kind of like, I mean, you know, get while the getting's good, I suppose, because it seems like these people are like actually

changing their lives and raising money. Like that Shiloh Hendrix lady, I think, is up to damn near a million dollars for calling a child the N-word, which like, hey. No, I'm just kidding. We've all done that for free. Right. Yeah, yeah. But I guess what I'm trying kidding. We've all done that for free. Right. Yeah, yeah.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is, what do you, I don't know, what is the fucking driving force behind that? I mean, obviously, we just had racism or whatever, or trolling. But you're putting money on the line for that, to support, whatever. It makes me think like.

I think a lot of people are racist and want to publicly say or do racist things, you know what I mean? And they can kind of live vicariously through it, you know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, maybe it's that simple. I was trying to overcomplicate it and like, oh, is this the way people engage with their fucking zeitgeist

or whatever the fucking stupid shit? But yeah, maybe that's it. Because people were doing inward chains in the donations or whatever. People were donating thousands of dollars at a time. To the OG lady, there's a lot of copycats and they're not getting as much money, but I don't know. But it's also like crypto guys, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, like if you're seeing just random guys through like thousands of dollars of stuff, you forget how many I forget how many rich people there are from for kind of no reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like kind of a, like the universe kind of just slipped up. A bunch, it seems like. In a way where it's like, hey, if that's how you got rich, that's cool.

That's cool with me. I mean, on that point, I was going to ask, just kind of a derailing, like, I know that you were doing a crypto thing for a while. I held out, man, because it just like, it seems so fucking stupid. But then I see people that I follow. Maybe they're posting bullshit. But they'll post like screenshots of like, yeah,

I threw it. I got an early on butt poop. And it went to the fucking moon. And now I'm like, I get to buy a car off of shit coin or fuck token. And like, I just don't. And I had a buddy of mine explain it. For the really, the meme coins, the really bad ones,

the one that are called fucking TARD token or whatever the fuck, you get in on the ground floor because you know the guy that made it. And then you pump and dump it, and you get out. But the closer you are to the source code, the more money you make. So I'm just, if anybody out there does like pump and dump schemes and wants to help a brother out

and you want to name the token like Jake pussy coin, Jake's butt pussy token, Jake's fucking booty hole bandit money, I'm down for that. Just let me get a little bit of that cheese. Cause I make fun of these guys, but like you said, like I make fun of them and I mock them. Like, know they're like oh you who's gonna invest money in fucking you know But fuck money, but apparently a fuck ton of people are and they're changing their whole goddamn lives over it And it's driving me fucking bananas. Yeah, I mean I'm still holding on Hawk

But is that real well the Haw the hawk's to a coin. Did you buy it? No, no. But I think I'm going to buy some soon. Okay. Because the level of integrity that she showed with coming back to the limelight and just focusing on putting out a good product with the talk to a show and just like getting back to her roots. Right, right, right. Um, it, it does mean a lot as a fan and as a fellow content creator, because I know when

I do stuff like that to people that they will come back and forgive me. Yeah. When you rip off a bunch of people for a bunch of money. Yeah. Yeah. And honestly, it's funny because funny because I read into that a little bit. And it looks like she probably did not make a lot off that. Yeah. No. She probably got paid like a flat, like $100,000 or something for that.

Yeah. There's apparently like, I don't know enough about it, but there's apparently like a kind of shady affiliate marketing group that does this to like new celebrities. So it happened to that UFC guy, Hamzat Shmaiev too. But like they'll like attach themselves to like either fucking like A-list social media guys or like people who don't know no better.

And then they'll be like, yeah, you a coin and then you can make a bunch of money and you can really help people and then they like rug pull it over the course of 48 hours and they leave the celebrity holding the bag. I'm not calling Hamzat Shemayev stupid I just don't think when that happened for I just don't he doesn't strike me as a guy who understands how that shit works. I mean I fucking don't. Like you could get me very easy, very, very easy, if just like, hey, dude, we're going to do this thing. You'll make a little bit of money,

but it'll help a lot of people. And it could be a huge scam that kills like 10 million people. And I wouldn't know, and then I would be left holding the bag, and I'd be like, I'm really sorry that a bunch of people died because of Jake's butt pussy coin, or whatever the fuck. I didn't expect that to happen. And then that would just be the end of my life, I suppose.

But yeah, I do think there's kind of like a shady organization that does this shit. I would like to believe that. Maybe I'm just giving too much faith to Mrs. Tua and Mr. Chmaev, but it just doesn't seem like they knew what was happening or whatever the fuck. No, I mean, that's Haley for you though. I mean, she just comes, it's just, you know, she's so bubbly with the, you know, she's naive, you know, in a way. Okay. And

she, but she still has a wisdom, you know, when you actually listen to talk to it and you actually take her seriously, there's a wisdom there that's starting to emerge. And I think it just wasn't all the way there. And sometimes you have to let the enemy think they've won. There's a good chance she knew what was going to happen with Hawkcoin and that she let it all play out to get her career right on the trajectory that she wanted. Or maybe she was framing somebody.

You never think about that. No, I didn't. People think just because she's the classic dumb blonde who looks like a squirrel. People think that that's a stupid person, really. Right. I don't think so. You really have to be a genius to come up with something like that.

That's true. That's true. That's motherfucking truth, my brother, right then and there and goddamn there, if I ever heard one. But anyway, um... What'd you do to this? then and then there and god damn there, if I ever heard one. But anyway. What'd you do this week? Now that we should kind of, now that it's kind of died down,

we should try and do our own Hawk Tua thing, like a viral catchphrase. What would be yours? I would say, OK, so I'm coming up to you. You've just had seven cranberry vodkas with your best of friends. And you guys are young, and the whole world is just on the other side.

It's just 12 hours away. It's just a beautiful sleep away. Your whole life is going to change. And I come up to you, and I say, anything you want to say to the camera that'll change your life overnight, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Yeah. If you want a lady to actually like you,

yeah, you're going to need to get up out for that thing. OK. And then it would be like a James Brown music would play in the background. Because a lot of tweens are into James Brown nowadays. You know, Papa's got a brand new bag. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Jen Alpha, Jen Z, they absolutely love.

I'm a sex machine, you know. I'm a sex machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They love that stuff. I feel you good. And that would, then I would become famous because anytime you'd see a picture of me, a James Brown song would play in the background,

and the kids would love it. What about you? Yeah, a guy comes up to me, and he's got the microphone. And he's like, hey, whatever you could say that would inspire the youth and would change the whole world. And what's the perfect phrase for you? Probably something like, if you don't munch it, chunk it.

And if you're ready to dunk it, you better get clunked it. That's what I would say. Yeah. Honestly, like, man to man, I like that. Thanks. And then I would have merch, and it would be like a big mouth with a bunch of shit in its teeth. And it would say, did you munch it?

And then the back of the shirt would say, no, I dunked it. And it would be a huge set of butt cheeks going into a big ass toilet with a little bit of poop on the butt and balls connector zone. And then we would do some munch coin, dunk coin Dunk coin clunk coin the coins are fucking right themselves gooch coin gooch coin Yep, send it to the fucking mood if you're a crypto Pendejo Send me the whatever the fucking long ass code is for gooch coin and so daddy can I think people would make People would make that probably

Probably I mean that's the surprise of gooch hasn't been taken because that's a perfect one Yeah, gooch coin is perfect gooch token. Whatever the fuck Yeah, I mean I yeah I'm kind of like not kidding if any of you guys really understand this and you want to help me make a million dollars Through a fake coin or something I owe the IRS a lot of money And I don't know if getting into crypto scams would help me with the IRS there's one thing that definitely isn't tax It's capital gains in crypto there's never definitely you know You know they're taxing unrealized gains now with crypto

I don't know what an unrealized gain is means you haven't sold it and you're still having to pay tax on it Meaning you don't have what an unrealized gain is. Means you haven't sold it, and you're still having to pay tax on it. Meaning you don't have that in real money. OK. You just have the cryptocurrency. So you have the crypto that went up in price or in value? And yeah, yeah, you get taxed on that. You haven't liquidated it, and you're just taxed on the increase.

You just have, yep, you're just taxed on that. Are you taxed on unrealized gains in stocks? I might be unrealized gains, period. I don't know what anything is. Which that's a, that's a Biden thing. Oh, motherfucking communist piece of shit. That's a, that's a Kamala. Taxed on unrealized stock gains.

Let's find the fuck out. Unrealized gains, different arguments against taxing unrealized capital gains. Wow, I don't know what any of this means, and it's not fun for me to read. Ave Maria School of Law. I almost went there. I'm glad I didn't, because I would have been probably not

a great lawyer, because I really don't like working, and I really, really, really like laying down and playing with my balls. Apparently in Switzerland, you declare all your stock assets and report any official changes in value every year. And you're taxed on the increases, but you also get tax credits if you lose money. And then whenever you sell the, whenever you sell the, your stocks, you don't pay tax on it. So you just pay taxes before. That seems like a, you know, I'm not going to say whether that seems like a good

system because I just remembered there's guys who are into finance and stuff who listen to us and I'm not going to pretend that I think one system is better. And the Swiss have done a lot of horrible things in their banking. You know, they were, you know, they're taking Nazi gold and stuff. So what do they know? Yeah, what they're doing is building houses with with straw roofs and acting like they're better than eating their fancy chocolate with the mountains in the background. Fuck you. Swiss Miss.

Yeah. Hot cocoa. Yeah. More like. Yeah. Yeah. Pour that out of your ass. Dumb butt. But but yeah, pour that out of your ass, dumb butt. But yeah, that's cool. I haven't owned crypto since 2019, I think, because I bought some because I was working night shift and I needed a way to lose all my money, but I didn't have time to drink or do drugs or anything. I was just so upset.

So I bought some crypto stuff. I think I put about two grand into it. And then I got arrested later that year. And I had to sell everything. And I believe that I lost about $1,200 of the $2,000 in a few months. So that was good. And I think I had a lot. I just had the big ones.

I just had Ethereum, Bitcoin, and Litecoin, which was the third biggest one at the time. I don't know if Litecoin is still one of the top ones. I think I remember that one. I think Solana or whatever is... I don't know. Why am I talking about cryptocurrency? I would rather...

I think I would rather do talk about something else. Nothing against you crypto guys. I also don't work very hard. But let's see. I don't work very hard. I don't work very hard. I'm looking up unrealized capital gains text on Reddit. So don't take me as your sage.

Really, all of the conservative propaganda and rambling about millennials is true for me. I want to have a lot of money, and I don't want to work hard for it at all. It is funny. Crypto guys do. I've learned in recent years, in a lot of cases, they do work very hard.

But it's just funny to work on something that me is, I personally, I have no idea of. You can do something for 80 hours a week, and me I have no idea what any of it is. Right. Yeah, yeah. Even with all the videos I've watched or whatever, blockchain or whatever.

And then they're like, no, it's this really cool thing and we're going to turn the whole world into this. And you're like, oh, really? They're like, yeah, it'll be like an Excel spreadsheet. But it's really complicated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if there was a thing that kept track of all the stuff? Well, like whenever they pitch like when I remember when in El Salvador where they were sending on the video like videos were going around of people using Bitcoin to buy beer and it was at this like big Bitcoin festival in El Salvador I think probably probably posture are set up by that fucking cocksucker bukele whatever the fuck and

The it show one of the videos I'm thinking of is a guy with his phone and he goes up to this beer counter and he puts his phone up to this Big machine. It's like a it's like a it's like a phone paid Bitcoin machine I know a lot of you are like wow Jake phone paid Bitcoin machine That is exactly what it's called, but I don't know what the fuck it's called so that's what you get And the caption was like wow this is the future this guy just used Bitcoin to purchase a beer My thing is is that? How the fuck is that different from money you you have some money on your phone, and you tapped.

That's tapped to pay. That's not like a special thing. Oh, but it's decentralized. How is it? It's not attached to a national bank. But isn't Bitcoin now like a part of US bonds or some shit? Like, I don't fucking know how it would be. I was just saying one of them would say, oh'd say, oh, bro, it's decentralized.

I don't know. Well, I- Bro. It operates on the blockchain, bro. Dude. Dude. You sound dumb right now. You sound dumb, dude.

It's on the fucking blockchain. It's decentralized. Dude, we're free. We're totally independent. OK. Me and a million other pedophiles, we're just, we were the last, we're on the last frontier. They're not all pedophiles.

I mean, there have to be a few. But hell, it's probably pedophiles listening right now. Isn't that crazy to think about? Yeah, I've thought about that sometimes. You know, you think of like the internet. Probably at least one murderer. Oh, for sure. Yeah, and not like an army murderer, but like a guy who just killed a guy, maybe.

I think about that with like the following of the show and then like my social media following of like, well, one of them has got to be like a great. I was in a group chat with the Dayton shooter, I remember. What? Yeah. Back in like 20, whenever that happened. You were what?

He's never told me this. He used to be like a DSA guy. He was like a rose emoji guy. I know that, but I didn't know you were in a group chat with him. Yeah, I never really talked to him. It was a bunch of assholes in there. So I was like, I got added in there,

and then everybody was woke scolding me. You were getting woke scolded by a guy who did a mass shooting. I don't know if it was directly by him, but he was in the group. Because I think I said something about like in Comtown, everybody was like, dude, that's not fucking it. Don't do that in here. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm 18. I didn't realize that was I'm I'm kind of in awe that you were probably thumbs down

Reacted by a guy who committed a fucking tragedy like he probably gave you one of these And he fucking like while he was the in this that he was getting shit beamed into his head by the fuck His display name was it was like a pun on flowers for Algernon or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because I remember somebody saying he was.

And I remember seeing that. And I thought, there's no way. Yeah. And then people were showing the Twitter stuff. And I was like, dude. Oh, god. Well, I know. But he was like a reply guy on Twitter.

I knew a guy that he met with at an airport and had a beer with. Jeez Louise. Like the guy basically hit up this guy who's fringes and was like, hey, I follow you or whatever. Or like my friend posted about being at an airport. Yeah. And the guy happened to be there and was like, hey, I have a layover.

You want to grab a beer or whatever? Uh-huh. Yeah, that stuff can happen. This is really going to make the schizo guys who think all podcasters or CIA go nuts. That's pretty, I mean, you know, that sucks. It had to be what? That was what, 2019 what 2019 2018 something like it

Yeah, I think 2019 or like early 2020. Let me look at it. Let me look at it Dayton shooter It had to be Dayton That's fucking crazy that was the one where you walked in the bar right 2019 Dayton shooting That was the one where he walked in the bar right 2019 Dayton shooting Connor Betts Included his brother it was in the I was in a bar. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one that's the ticket. Yeah Yeah, anyway, but I just mean you know life it's crazy, you know And that was also I didn't have followers then.

But yeah, he's crazy. The proximity you could be. I think about that in New York a lot, because I'm like, dude, I probably walk next to an apartment building where a violent crime is happening, like, often. Yeah. Oh, like a shooting or something? Even if it's like a domestic dispute or something something out. It isn't weird to think about that sometimes

Yeah, yeah, like I don't like I mean I don't really like thinking about it's not my favorite thing to think about but thinking about like damn like All the times I've heard like a really faint noise and like what if that was Somebody's life being cut short a dude this isn't funny, but it was funny. We had this coworker who was just a real character man. And he lived in a motel, which is because he was too lazy to get an apartment. Perfect.

I love that. Great story. He was like a trucker who was doing landscaping for a while because he got a DWI. So he had to do landscaping for six months so he could get his CDL back. And dude, like his neighbors in the motel kept killing themselves or murdering each other.

And it was like the way that he would tell us, it would be like if I told you that I need an oil change. He'd be like, yeah, man. Yeah, well, upstairs neighbor went and shot her husband in the bathtub full of blood. And then put, well, she went and put the gun in her mouth blew her brains out next thing you know guy below starts getting blood dripping through his ceiling says what the hell

yeah calls maintenance says there's damn blood in my room coming up ceiling room of the fucking ceiling Turns out dead body been there Been there while I heard everything I Heard the shots Yep Got me to move rooms because of the ceiling damage And he this was in a in response to a pretty basic question?

No, no, it wasn't in response to anything sometimes. He would just say this shit? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, he told me one time about a time a family spun out in front of his truck and exploded right in front of him. He just got out and started vomiting. And the cops came and they said,

hey man, it's not your fault, you can go home. When we lived at the trailer, art, the trailer, like three trailers down from us was this guy that was like obsessed with my mom. Like, I love that. I had a pretty unhealthy. I was a fucker.

You fucking piece of shit. Gotta love that. And so at this time, I was probably like four or five. So I think my mom was like 20 or 21, something like that. And my dad would swing by when he needed like a hot pocket or like 20 bucks, and then he would be in and out. So he had other shit he had to do.

He had to fucking chase Metallica around the country and fucking ride dirt bikes, whatever. But that's relevant to the story because he wasn't really there to deal with this, I guess, would be a normal way to go about it. And so this guy's obsessed with my mom. And this was on the news probably 20-something odd years ago. So the guy's obsessed with my mom,

and he would come by, I vaguely remember, and he would be like, oh, do you need? My mom would be like, we're getting groceries. And he'd be like, oh, do you need a hand? And mom would be like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm married or whatever. And she wasn't married, but the guy would be like, oh, it's not like that. I just, I see you and your boy, and I want to help.

And my mom would shoo the guy away, And then she would be out washing her car. And he'd be like, I'll go wash your car for you. I'll take your car to the car wash or whatever. And she was like, no, no, no, no. And my uncle lived in the trailer across the street from us. And she had told him about it. And he'd come out.

He has a fucking redneck with a bunch of guns, big fat motherfucker, and piece of shit. But he was obviously my sister. So he tried to shoot the guy away every now and then. And it never really worked. And so this goes on for pretty much the whole time we lived there. And I think one of the reasons we eventually

moved out, aside from I think getting evicted, was this whole situation. But anyway, so one day, the guy brings my mom some flowers or something. And I don't know the whole, I was too young to remember exactly, but he goes to finally actually confess his love for my mother, which was kind of already known to her because the guy had been stalking her or whatever

the fuck. And she kind of fucking snaps. She's like, hey, dude, I have a fucking kid. Like, you know, the father of my son was going to be here. Like, get the fuck out of here. Like, I don't want to be with you. You're fucking crazy. I don't want to see you anymore.

Go. And then like an hour later, a bunch of police show up to his place, like a bunch of fucking cops. And my mom told me this, and my dad told me this. He was out front with a gun. And they're like, put it out. Put it the fuck down now. No.

Put it out. And he puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger, and then just like, from what my dad told me, he just goes like, ah! And then just kind of falls down. And everybody was really fucking confused, because they were like, this guy just shot himself, and he goes, ah!

And then is clearly alive, and then just holding his head. He shot himself in the head with one of those Red Rider pistol BB guns. Like with a pellet gun, like with a CO2 power. He shot himself right in the forehead with it. And it did lodge itself in his skull. But all the cops were like, what the fuck? Did this guy just survive shooting himself?

And then they bum rushed the guy, and they kicked the fucking gun. They didn't kill him. They didn't shoot him because he just shot himself they thought and then as it turns out like the way that he was gonna take his life upon being rejected by my mom was shooting himself with like a Walmart airsoft gun right in the fucking forehead boom and you know it was a big joke like in the trailer park like for a long time you know mom's like

you know you really you know how to pick them you know your baby dad is out there you know riding dune buggies and fucking playing guitar and the guy that wanted to be your stepdaddy shot himself in the forehead fucking pelican because you wouldn't be with him so you know my mom was like you know you know he was nice my mom's really sweet he was nice you You know, he was just a little weird. It's like, he loved you so much that he was going to kill himself in what is potentially the pussiest way. I guess the pussiest way is to be-

I would have fucked him. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. I feel like if you try to kill yourself for a girl she should Like pretend this isn't your mom, you know If ladies if a guy tries to kill himself for you Something

Scraps Something out back, you know Yeah, maybe if my dad would have take one for the team and just let the guy fuck him the guy wouldn't have Tried to kill himself with a BB gun. Yeah, I think giving it an honest go Just giving him a shot, you know, I mean Just looking for one chance. Yeah You're talking about like a serial killer yeah raising your hand on this you might if I play devil's advocate for yeah I would give him pussy. I think I would get what if he was trying to impress a girl mm-hmm

Yeah, I think she wasn't she didn't do anything in return Yeah, yeah, what if he offered to wash her car mm-hmm, and she said no And then when he said you want to be with me, and he tried to kill himself It's like what do you do you have to either right option one I guess don't fuck him That's that's the first one, I think, that comes to a lot of people's minds. Just going to say that. I think that's it.

Yeah, I think a lot of people think number one. But then the free thinkers realize they have two options. One, the obvious one, don't suck him off. Right. Number two, and this is kind of where it gets interesting, is suck them off. OK. And you don't have to go all the way,

but I would say suck them off. And that doesn't really count as anything. You can forget about that. And you can wipe that off your record. Uh huh. Okay. Right.

If it's not your favorite, just pretend that, you know, say, never mind, I take it back. Take back the sucking. I was just trying to do a favor to a lonely soul, but, uh. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I think, you you know people used to be lovers people used to really pursue each other like that and it was okay but now uh-huh you know now you'd have to go out in your yard and put a sign says in this house

we believe you know science is science and that's how you'd impress a girl yeah no I'm with you well yeah you would you trying to impress a girl by going out in your yard and replacing it with a zero scape you know a trout resistance lawns she know that you are environmentally conscious Mm-hmm, okay. I see what you mean. Let me know on that one. It's long-winded, but wow you know nonscope I think that that situation probably went the best that it could go

You know for both for everybody's sake I mean he probably could have killed himself or maybe the whole family with a real gun I don't think at the time I hope a different girl saw that and fucked him for Maybe one of the cops maybe one of the police that was there. I bet, dude, an EMT would fall for that. 100%, yeah. A lady EMT? Oh, yeah.

Easy squeezy. Yeah, she's just sobering up for the day, clocking in, gets there, sees you, tried to blow your head off. Somebody's getting a bludge in the back of the Amber Lance. I'm going to peel off these triple XL Hello Kitty scrubs, and I'm going to fucking gobble that. And the EMT who just hops out wearing scrubs.

I mean, some of them wear scrubs, don't they? Oh, shit. I had a stroke, and they called it a dental hygienist. I doubt they wear scrubs. Do they not wear scrubs? Is it like, I think they just wear like Navy. Like a blue suit? I think they just wear like dicky suits.

It's just like mechanics or something. It looked like Debo. Yeah, that's a good point. I remember, what did you, the denim, the all denim, the fucking EMT? Yeah, all denim cover all EMT. Hey, what the hell happened here? What if your EMT was wearing just those spandex suits

that the YouTubers used to wear? Oh, like the body suits? Yeah, like the filthy Frank ones. Remember that guy? And you can see his cock and both his butts. Now he's joji. Yeah. I had a sock monkey one till I moved.

A sock monkey bodysuit? Yeah. Yeah, you could see my penis through it, and I didn't realize that, and I wore it for a school project one time. And I went back and watched the YouTube video, and you could see my bulge pretty clearly, even though I had an underwear underneath.

I used to have a pair of onesie pajamas with a butt flap, and the feet were two sock monkeys. And I would wear, this was when I was in college, and I would wear them for like days on end, because I thought it was funny. And plus, like, at that time, if I could, it was the only piece of clothing that I had that I could wear and I didn't have to take off to poop.

And so it was pretty convenient for me. And they had to have like a council, basically like a council meeting of the housemates because they would bring, you know, their girlfriends over and it would be like day six and the onesie monkey feet pajamas. And I would have, you know, like a stink to me. Just kind of like a body rot, you know what I mean? You know, like, hey, man, we keep trying to bring girls over to the house. And several of them have said that you smell

and that you need to retire the monkey pajamas. To which I said, over my fucking dead body, you're going to pry this shit Charlton Heston style from my cold, dead hands. And then I came home one day, and they had thrown them in the trash. They betrayed me. But yeah, they were deep blue, deep blue,

and made of a really thick, itchy, I don't know, I don't remember, like a fabric. And then it had two buttons, two red buttons. And you could undo it. And it was from mid back to back of the mid thigh. And you could poop in them. And you could sleep in them. I mean, I never went to work in them

because at that time, I didn't really have a job. But I would go around towning them and stuff. And I wasn't trying to do it to be funny or goofy or anything. I think I maybe just had something going on mentally that wasn't allowing me to be my best self or whatever the fuck. Yeah. So your roommates just had a flap they could open? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What they would do is, well, I like to sleep on my stomach.

I'm a belly sleeper. And sometimes I would pretend to still be asleep, because I would feel the flap open. And they had this game that they would play with me called Line Him Up. And I would be like, oh, I'm sleeping. Stop. And then they would call in all of our friends and peripheral friends

and the kind of tertiary friend group. And they would line up out the door. And I don't know what would happen. I was asleep, but our sleeping, quote unquote. But that was a game we used to play called Line Them Up. But I had to give that life up when I got engaged. I can't play Line them up anymore, unfortunately. I used to sleep in booty shaking position on accident.

It would be so embarrassing. What do you mean? Like you would do shit arched? No, well, this was whenever I was, whenever I was in Eagle Scout, I would fall asleep and I would accidentally fall asleep in doggie style, shaking my ass. Oh, yeah. All oiled up. And it would be so embarrassing when that would happen.

Because people would take it with a sexual connotation. That's not how I rolled. Right. You know take it with a Sexual connotation that's right rolled right I have to sleep covered a baby oil or I can't dream about being a peanut So I just want to be a hundred percent remember sent Dreaming of being a peanut is important to you. That's kind of where you. Well, it's just not really that important. I just can't do it if I'm not covered in oil.

OK. No, I think I understand, though. I think I get it. Sometimes I'll throw myself in oil, and then I'll roll around in salt and sugar, and I'll be a honey-roasted peanut when I wake up. But it becomes a very thick crust, so it takes me a couple hours to shower off

all the sugar for work. All sugar and salt. OK. That's very, very good. I got called into the office the other day. Son, you've been coming in with a thick honey crust. And customers are tired of it. They're tired of your irresistible smell and taste.

I was in the Boy Scouts. They had to shut my chapter down, though. Scoutmaster was doing some fucking wild stuff, but I dodged that bullet, I think. You know, some parts of the life are just kind of fog Like a silent hill like rendering fog But I'm pretty I'm pretty sure that I dodged that bullet If you guys you sure No, not really everybody talks about it behind your back Talks about what?

Getting fucked by the scout man. Yeah, but how how the scoutmaster was probably tying knots with your asshole. Hahahaha! It's like walking to the green room at the creek. So yeah, Jake's asshole was tied in fucking several fucking crazy ass knots. Oh hey man, how's it going? Yeah, yeah, no, you're up after Beatrice. Those are comedians in the M's after Beatrice. That's a comedian's name is Beatrice. Beatrice Plentiful.

One of my favorites. My tea is ready. And the crowd starts laughing. Oh my scone is hot. Oh, my pastry is just finished from the oven. Has anyone seen my pie? I just set it on the windowsill. I hope no kitty cats or burglars have stolen it.

I hope there was no well-dressed fox on the other end. Or maybe a Frenchman wearing a striped sweater. Maybe you've stolen my pie. Is there a little boy here who's eaten an entire apple pie today? There's one little boy there that's visibly full and holding his stomach. In the green room. You there? Would you like crowd work? Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen her on Kill Tony, you've seen her open up for Ron White.

Get your hands together and sound like a million fucking people for Beatrice Plentiful. Oh thank you, thank you very much. Well I couldn't help but notice my box set was incomplete this morning. Wow! Wow! Yeah. The diaries of a wimpy president were missing. Boo, fuck you, Beatrice. Boo, you got what you woke. Fuck you, Beatrice.

Oh, no. Fuck you. You get your trumpet in the scrone. What? I said, get your trumpet in the scrone. Get your trumpet in the scrone? Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep, that's what I said. Yep, that's it. That's pretty much me. Baby no. Baby from the beginning of the boat. Big booty baby. Big booty baby. Hey how's it going? I figured I'd close the show out by shaking my old little butt, well big butt, and then

killing every single last one of you with my bare hands on the count of being a demon god. If you're listening to this, thank you so much. Head on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time. Toss us a little bit of motherfucking cheese. $1 a month to get you access to the Discord. A lot of fun ass mother fuckers in there. A lot of great friends, genuinely, so people that I have met and have come to love in there.

Five bucks a month gets you access to an entire backlog of audio episodes, plus the Discord access. 10 bucks a month gets you access to all that stuff, plus bonus video episodes, of which there are plenty, and there are more coming and a greater clip. I know I've been saying that, but that's actually been happening now for a little while,

and we've got even more coming. If you are a fan of this podcast and Lemon Party, you should head on over to lemonparty.life. If you are in LA, Seattle, Portland, or San Diego, check out lemonparty.life and click their Shows tab. I'll be opening up for them on tour starting in June and then going all the way through what I do believe is September, no, through July.

They're doing a run of summer shows, and I will be opening up for them. Got some cool stuff to announce coming up down the pipe, so stick tuned for that. For the Padeo time Time fans and motherfuckers, hopefully announcing soon. Tom, you got anything? Oh, not right now.

OK. Hey, guys. Stay tuned. Stay tuned, motherfuckers. Y'all going to know my name soon. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Bye.