Pendejo Time - salad days (ft. bryan quinby aka murderxbryan)

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Bryan joins us to talk about being a big time low down dog and how it makes you stronger I guess. check out his shows the POD kast and more coming soon. and give him a follow @murderxbryanedtirs note: fuckin cable shat out this episode but I have a back up. cheers. Support the Show.

Here we go. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we are back. We got a guest today, Mr. Brian. Thank you for joining us, Murder Brian. We were talking about sleeveless shorts. We were talking about a bunch of shit, but short sleeves. Guys who wear shorts and short sleeves in the winter are basically the dude from Taxi Driver in my eyes. They're just kind of like tortured souls. People make fun of them, like, come on, get it together, what are you doing? But you've got to have something wrong with you if that's your go-to outfit for freezing temperatures.

Well, I will say this, and I think, Tom, you work outside, right? I retired, but yes. But you did work outside, right? I retired, but yes. But you did work outside, right? Yeah, I did tree work and landscaping. Well, people who work outside don't feel weather the same way as people. I was a cable guy for seven years in Ohio, and I just don't feel cold the same way that like you know i keep my house like at like 59 degrees and i walk around it in sleeveless shirts and like uh i just i i don't i just it has to get down to like zero for me to really and i'm the same way with heat i i i was in texas and people were like

you know watch it you know you know it's super hot there you're not going to want to be outside and i was like i don't care like there's no such thing as too hot for me becoming a work from home guy has made me soft as baby shit bro like dude it is me like people i was talking with i was at a i was at work today we were doing a commercial shoot, and I was talking to people who've just been in corporate their whole lives, and I was like, yeah, I used to drive fence posts and shit, like 110-degree heat, and they're like, why? And I was like, I don't know.

I was like, I used to work in kitchens too, man. You just kind of got to do whatever. When your whole life is stupid from, like, 16 to, like, your mid-20s, you're just kind of like, yeah, I guess I cleaned out toilets. You know, I kind of was just drunk for a living for a couple years. I don't really know what I was doing. And it's like, oh, okay. People who went straight from college into being, like,

assistant creative artistic strategist manager like i'm not that's a sick life i have it now and i can't complain but like if you've never done anything like that sucks dick i feel like you don't you miss out on life a little like if you've never worked at a place where there was like a designated chair in the back where people would just fuck in that chair, I feel like you're missing like a lot of perspective in life. I did every shitty job before podcasting worked out for me. And like even up until like people would say like, well, you didn't have to do the gig economy. No, before Street Fight hit, I had to fucking drive for Lyft. Yeah. So I did every, i worked at a camera store and i went in for the interview and the guy was like uh so what are

you looking to make and i was like uh i was i just wanted some money i i so i was like $9 an hour, which is just no money. And he was like, what about $8.60? Talk me down 40 cents. Dude, I worked for a Democrat. This is I worked one of my internships. I worked for a Democratic opposition like research firm. They would dig up muck and dirt on like Republican politicians and then they would sell that dirt to news stations and shit. And they were so fucking holier than thou, and I got into an argument with the boss because I called in two days in a row.

I was just hungover college guy. I didn't give a fuck. And she called me in for a meeting, and she was like, you know, we pay you above minimum wage and we care about our employees. They paid me eight fifty five. And they were like and she was getting like this, like she was like, you know, like we you know, you could be doing anything, but you're working in an industry that you studied in. And a lot of people don't get to do that. You should be lucky like you know you calling in like this blah blah and i remember it was like the last day of my internship and like i went to pick up my check for 260 something dollars for working like i don't like 30 hours or whatever after taxes and i was like uh yeah you know like

austin's talking about this 15 an hour thing and the boss guy was like yeah it's just crazy i don't know how we would make that happen and they did work for like dim like local democrats but it was like like they were like uh they were like hillary people you know what i'm saying like they were just like like to patronize to your employee hey be grateful we could pay you 725 like those sick fucking conservative psychos, you're getting paid $8.50. Don't spend it all in one place, you fucking loser. Hey, you know that guy who sits next to you?

He gets raped every day. You want to get raped every day? Probably not. The guy that paid me $8.60, the funniest thing about the guy that paid me $860 is I requested, like, over the time I worked there, I requested, like, five days off total. Like, at different times. And they turned every single one of them down. All five of the days I asked off turned down. was i was i walk all day and i and i'm walk around columbus and i went by the uh um the value city arena because there was like a bernie sanders rally going on yeah and i saw the fucking owner

of the store i was working at in line to get into the bernie sanders rally yeah and i just couldn't even fucking believe it i like i wondered what he does in his yeah you think about it makes it okay yeah it i don't the all of the people i met when i was like trying to do the like working in politics thing that were like democratic like like strategists and campaign people they were just like managers and they had a different political affiliation than like your average small business owner, dumb ass. But they, their minds work the same way. So they were just kind of like, yeah, you know, we, uh, it's within the budget.

So you're going to get paid quite a bit of money. We're going to pay you $10 an hour to knock on doors for 60 hours a week in 110 degree weather um and we're gonna we're gonna win this thing we're gonna beat greg abbott um that slime ball piece of shit by the way we do not offer health insurance so do not ask like it just they're the same people they just have like they they have like two issues that they like lean center left on or whatever dude i had a i had an old boss who I remember him telling me about how he was socially liberal and fiscally conservative. As we were stealing like 30,000 gallons of city water from a fire hydrant to put through this hydromulcher, he would be like, it fills up way faster if you just hook up to one of these but you really gotta watch i was like how bad is it he was like i'm i mean it's real bad

but it's way faster than using a water hose so you know that's what we do that's just how every time i hydromulch i just steal steal from the city and then you know i just use that water that's anyway anyway i i just don't think taxes should be as high as they are. You know what I mean? That's like one of the most anarchist things I've heard, though. It's just like, yeah, I'm a libertarian guy. I'm kind of like a Republican libertarian, but I'm doing praxis by stealing water to run my fly-by-night landscaping business or whatever.

They do that, but they all they all you know like all the libertarians that like you would be hard-pressed to find a libertarian that isn't like you know taking something from the city out of principle like yeah yeah every i know i know god i know like my fucking uh they they justify it by saying like well I worked and paid taxes My in-laws are retired And they are They're fucking furious At Joe Biden For the taxes

But they don't They don't have any fucking money They are They are basically living Less than taxes It's like 8% that they get back at the end of the year yeah well they don't they don't work like i've my it's like my father-in-law is like this real trump guy and he has like the worst disposition of i've never met anybody

with a worse disposition you know and i i did customer i mean i did that cable job i was in people's houses like all day every day which is another hell if you've ever worked like any job where you have to go where people live because uh people live really bad but like uh uh but he's like got this real nasty, but he's also pissed because Home Depot wouldn't hire him. But it's like, I don't know, dude, you say the N-word kind of regularly. Yeah, it's hard to sell yourself to a company that, I guess, prides itself on allowing day laborers to hang out in the parking lot. If you're like, yeah, you you know you got a lot of uh man i don't know what they call them these days i know what i call them you know what i'm saying but

uh hanging out in front um you know you want me to take care of them i can go out there and tell them what for you know what i'm saying did my my uncles like that were like i've talked about him in length on the podcast he is a he's like a straight up like 2000s, like nineties comedy slip and fall scam artist. Like him and his fat fucking wife, they both go to Walmart and they'll see like some soup on the ground and he'll be like, babe, bust your fucking ass right now.

And like, she'll do it. And she'll like, she'll tear her meniscus or something crazy. And they'll win like $120,000. And he keeps it all in. He keeps it all in cash. So he doesn't have to pay taxes on it.

And he like keeps it in cash, like literally under his like he'll like get the settlement, go to all these fly by night like check cashing places. And then like I guess somehow shady he'll get it in cash. And and then we'll be talking like at Thanksgiving. I haven't seen him in years, but we'll be talking. And he's like, yeah, you know, everybody wants something for nothing these days. Cocksuckers, you know, all these fucking liberals and these fucking weirdo, you know, fucking lazy queers don't want to fucking earn a goddamn honest living. And I'm like, hey, man, you just before you said that to me, told me that you were in Bass Pro shop looking for hollow points and you tripped over a fishing rod on purpose like broke your arm and you got like 20 grand from fucking bass pro shop he's

like well they should have picked that fucking pole up i get mine and i'm like you're just it's the same i mean you're the same guy yeah it's the same like i understand maybe it's a little bit more morally oh i guess okay permissible maybe to steal from a big corporation in that way. But, like, you're also, like, a profoundly racist and you hate poor people type guy, even though we grew up poor. And you just, it doesn't, you can't have both. I mean, I guess he can. Like, he, you know, it's so absurd. Like he, you know, it's so absurd.

There's just that archetype of guy exists, I think, south of the Mason-Dixon. It's like 60% of those dudes. I will say this, that like the way, the reason in a roundabout way, like, so in 2009, I was working at the cable company and I was up the ladder and these two guys were standing at the bottom of the ladder which is like the worst feeling in the world when you're at a ladder up in a pole all the way at the top and there's two guys at the bottom talking to you yeah and you're like uh well I gotta go through these guys to like get out of here and and what ended up happening was uh uh they they they the guy punched me and then i landed on like this flight of steps and i looked up they were like give me your cable keys and i was like here but he pulled a gun out after i gave it to them and pointed at me. So I jumped down this flight of steps and I injured my wrist.

And I injured it in such a way that like they couldn't tell if it was going, like they couldn't tell if it was going to heal or if it needed a cast. So I remember the first time I went to the doctor, like we'll put you in a cast for six months. We'll see if it heals. And then, you know, we'll go from there and when I had to go back to that because I wasn't working they were paying me to sit at home yeah and I was like man when I go back to this I really hope it's not healed yeah and I have to get surgery because that's another eight months and

it ended up happening yeah and over that time was when I figured out how to make a living without working for the cable company. So I am always blessed. I think about that injury all the time. I wish I could find those guys that robbed you and shake their hands. The guys that robbed you at gunpoint and you're like, dude, you changed my fucking life, brother, for the better. I'm telling you. It's one thing to getting one over on somebody.

I remember I was down on my fucking luck. I was like probably like my early twenties and man, I probably had, you know, some of it was my own doing. Some of it was just me being, you know, just broke all the time. But somebody rear ended me. It was this like sorority girl type in like a fucking BMW. somebody rear-ended me it was this like sorority girl type in like a fucking bmw and uh she smashed into me and she gets out and she's like i don't know what to do my dad's gonna be so mad at me and i'm in trouble and i was like just give me your insurance man

you're earning me is how it works and i got a check for like three grand because i just opted to like not go to the body shop and dude after that I was like break checking people like I got a check for three thousand dollars and I split it with my mom and I like fixed my own taillight or whatever and then afterwards yeah sorry no it's okay it's like after that I was like I'd be on the freeway and I was like man I could really I hope somebody hits me don't die like I hope I get hit by a truck but it just kind of fucks me up that would be nice like a cool 20 grand you know yeah i think about it now and it's like if somehow i had to end up going back to working i there's no way anybody will hire me to work in

an office yeah so it's probably right back to the cable company for sure i guess and i always picture it i was like i'll just fucking jump off the ladder yeah yeah yeah you fucking hurt i remember i was in college and i i was uh i was on xanax one time and i almost got hit by a bus and i remember thinking right after i was like man i would have been so rich if that had happened if i got the bus is going like 40 miles an hour i would have just been fucking paced on the ground but in my head i was like man if i just the bus is going like 40 miles an hour. I would have just been fucking paste on the ground. But in my head, I was like, man, if I just the bus probably would have flipped when it hit me. And then it would be like in flames. And I would just walk up to it like, fuck you, bus.

With your hand out like this. Really, I would just be screaming on the ground and dead. But I like it when people are like, man, I just wish I could get hit by a car or something, you know, get a settlement. I'm like, that's the worst way to get a settlement, dude. That is it. My buddy got hit by a – he was on his motorcycle and he got hit. And he only got like $30,000. And his leg's permanently fucked up.

And so he gave me an insight to it. He's like, I mean, after the medical bills, I only have like $30,000 left. And it's not enough to like chill out on. And it's like those big payouts are pretty rare and uh yeah and knowing my luck it's like it would somehow be my fault and like i would owe somebody money you know like i don't have good luck in that regard i've met a lot of people over the years and and really when i was roofing and uh uh you know working i worked in a warehouse i built car doors for a little bit only like six days i was late to work on like the fifth day and the guy was like you can't well they made us do calisthenics first of all wait what like yeah so you would yeah you had

to get to work 15 minutes early the shift started at at 7. You needed to get there at 6.45. And they'd do 15 minutes of calisthenics. They would guide you through it. Do some jumping jacks and run in place or whatever. And I hated it. And I, most of the time, would just stand there and hope they just felt. But I realized the way i was like 115 pounds so like the way they don't look at me the way that they look at one of those big burly a guy named like big mike that like works you know that's been working there for 50 years and he's somehow only 30 you know like

yeah yeah and so they're like you need to jump like you're not just gonna like, you need to jump. Like, you're not just going to stand there. You need to jump. So then when I finally started doing the workouts, I was late to work. One day, six minutes, maybe. And the guy was like, you can't keep coming in late like that. And I just turned around and walked back out and went home. I was like, I can't fucking do this. But, like, I've known so many people that have told me stories about like trying to figure out how to injure themselves yeah to get workers comp and it's just so against like what we are as

people yeah that i i think most people just chicken out like nobody is gonna break their hand on purpose it's just it i mean does, but it seems like really hard. Or like, I've thought about this. Like if you had a job with a saw, what if you just slice the top of your thumb off? It doesn't work. Dude, I have had so many saw injuries. And the thing in Texas, you have to be out of work for at least 10 business days before you get any compensation other than like medical so like i remember one time i've got a few pretty good ones

and i cut like i don't know how many stitches it was it wasn't that many probably eight or so but i basically cut down to the knuckle along the whole knuckle, went in, and they were like, all right, well, you got to fill out some paperwork before we can treat you since it's for a workers' comp. And I was like, well, it's my right hand, and it's kind of just all open right now. There's a big hole in it. There's a big hole. I'm coming here for the big hole that's in my hand, if that's cool. And they're like, yeah, you're just going to have a big hole that I'm coming here for the big hole that's in my hand. If that's cool. And they're like, yeah,

you're just going to have a big hole till you do this paperwork. And so I was like trying to do paperwork, but it like reopened. So there was just blood all over the paper and I just handed it to her. I was like, here you go. This is what you, this is what you want.

They wrapped my hand up completely. And they said, Oh wait, before we got the bleeding to stop, but you have to sign another thing before we can treat you to sign a release or whatever i was like i'm right-handed so they unwrap me i sign it bursts open again they have to rewrap it again and then they're like all right so you don't get any money but you don't have to pay for the doctor so that's good how did you i i'm'm curious for both of you to know this, like, how did you work the drug test after, like, the injury?

Because the way I did it was, and this was just lucky for me. It was because of the way it happened. I went into work and said, I'm fucking traumatized. You know what I mean? I'm freaking out. I think I'm okay, but I got to go home and, you know, think for myself. And then i think i'm okay but i gotta go home and you know think for myself and then went to the doctor after i got home so then it was too late for them to drug test me yeah because i had already gone home kind of left you know so the manager would have gotten

in trouble for not getting me into the drug test so i that's how i worked it but like that's the fucking major thing that sucks is like at a lot of jobs if you fucking get injured you have to take a drug test and that's like the last thing i wanted to be well like for me most of my jobs that were shitty were restaurant gigs and when i worked at the like when i did roofing it was for like a family friends or it was like home remodeling like i painted the inside and outside of houses and then we did like some roofing stuff it was for a family friend and he was a pill head and it was like don't get injured because we are really they're not even con I don't even think they were like legally contracted as an LLC you know I'm

saying like it was my yeah my mom's best friend's husband and he was like i'll pay you four hundred dollars a week to sit on like a hot roof and staple shit and not die but for like in kitchens and stuff when you get like burned or you'd cut your hand if it wasn't like gonna bleed into food they would just be like keep going you know what i'm saying like it never really like my dad though that motherfucker he would wear boots with high socks year round because in that sock was fake piss and in that boot was a fake dick and he would like he always like i remember when i was younger he would come home like middle of the day in his coveralls and he's like man they just they just laid they were laying motherfuckers off all day and my mom would be like they just hired you like two weeks ago he's like yeah business i guess ain't going that good and she's like uh did they because they would do random piss tests in the plants and she's like you piss hot and he's

like nope didn't piss hot at all i don't even know what you're talking about and then like six months later same thing and but he he did the the fake piss thing and i think it had like a 50 60 success rate and i never i got drug tested several times as an entrance to get a job but it was always random afterwards and it was just i just had luck of the draw like there were times that i like um play like was playing it close to the chest and just gambled and just pissed clean but uh you know i never had any my dad was the one that was like in his yeah glove compartment and his boots were like six ounces of fake piss at all times because he just you know like if he if he showed up and like

drove the forklift a little fucked up they were like all right you know i looked into that fake piss yeah and like what i ended up finding out was like which this is a great business idea if anybody wants to like a subscription service because what i ended up finding out was like, yes, right now I could Google what fake piss would get me a job and I can buy that and go do it. But the drug testing companies are constantly like figuring out what the fake piss is. So you have to sort of like you can't have like and maybe in the past it was different, but you can't just have one fake universal condom you carry in your wallet or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work. But if you could do a subscription, if you could do a subscription and send somebody fake piss every month or even clean piss, I think there's money in that.

Yeah, no, no, that's not a bad idea. The other hard thing is the temperature tests are newer, which the fake stuff, I'm sure some of it works, but my issue with it, it just doesn't taste quite right, you know? Yes. And usually they'll put it in a little shot glass, and they'll take it out back, and that's when you fail. They don't even see what's in there.

There's a little Jameson in this batch. They are crazy. I had a I had a buddy one time that he really wanted this job that paid like a lot of money. And but he we I mean, from the age of 12 till to this day, I did drugs every day. And me and my friends did drugs every fucking day. And we're 16. He's like, I'm going to go get this job. And his strategy was one of the funniest strategies I've ever heard.

First, he drank a whole glass of vinegar before he left the house. And then when he got there and i was with him i don't know why he brought me with him to the drug test but i was there and his strategy there was to just tell him he doesn't have to pee so yeah walking around the piss test place for 45 minutes because they're like well you're not gonna fucking leave till you pee yeah yeah and he ended up failing of course the the vinegar and then pretending not to have to pee while you probably really have to pee because that's the other thing right you you you drink as much the the only real decent way to do it like in the late 90s was basically just drink as much water as you can and try to like hyper yeah hyper hydrate or whatever or i remember when i was a kid i okay

so i didn't know until i was a teenager i was probably like nine or ten and i was going through my when i would stay with my dad on the weekends uh like my like socks and underwear and like my little kid clothes were like in the same drawers as like his stuff he lived with his mom and had like one dresser like you know bachelor pad or whatever with just in his mom's place and um i was rooting around in there and i found uh like a like a it looks like stuff that you'd have vitamins in. It's like a pouch, like a tinfoil pouch. And it had a lady standing on it squatting. And it said, like, piss play or something. And I was like, what is this?

And I later found out that a lot of fake pee that, like, drug addicts use is for piss kink. Like, they have, like, fake pee at head shops that's, like, you know, pass this or, like, pass plus or whatever. But back in the day, like, if you wanted fake piss to pass a drug test, you would buy, like, piss kink stuff. And so, like, I remember I got older. I was a teenager. I was like, hey, man, I got to ask you a question. He was like, what?

And I was like, when I was a kid, man, I was fucking around in your drawers trying to find some socks or something. And I found a tinfoil bag of piss kink stuff. He was like, oh, God damn it. I was like, what's up with that, man? And he was like, oh, man, I don't fucking do that shit. You know, at the head shop over there, the Bazaar Bazaar over there on South Houston, the only fake piss they had were for people like to drink piss and get peed on. But I needed it to get a job. So mean i just had to get it and i had bags of it and your grandma found it one day and fucking started praying and shit just like it cracked me up because i was like

imagine explaining to your mom as like a mid-30s man with a kid hey mom i'm not into piss kink i just love smoking crack a whole bunch. I love it so much. I can't stop doing it. And so I have to use this when I go to the courthouse so I can not go back to jail and keep a job or whatever the fuck. Role models for young men. Thank you. That is what's wrong with all of us.

That's what's wrong with us. Our parents were idiots. My parents were not. My dad didn't do drugs or anything, but he was one of the dumbest men in the world when it came to money. Because they

were making, from what I could tell, they were making very good money. We live in this really shitty white working class neighborhood. But my parents didn't want to think of themselves as working class. Yeah, yeah. So they would go buy like, the way that they lived was like the really white trash version of what you think a rich person is. So they got like a Chrysler Sebring.

And they were like super proud of it. And I remember one time they were like, you know, you got to be careful when you get one of these convertibles because poor people get jealous and cut the rag top. And I just remember being like, then why do you have a rag top? Like, what's the point of it if it's going to get cut? My mom rewrites, like, our own history. We grew up kind of like, she had me at 16. So, like, we, like, know a lot about each other. Like, we have a, you know, like, we're just very close in that way.

And I'll be, like, talking to my girlfriend. We're all hanging out or whatever. And I'm like, have a you know like we're just very close in that way and i'll be like talking to my girlfriend we're all hanging out or whatever and i'm like yeah you know it's pretty tough like trailer park years were pretty shitty and you know we're just white trash my mom was like we were not white trash you're exaggerating and i was like mom you got knocked up by like a 25 year old rig welder and then we moved into a trailer park after we lived with your mom and i slept on the couch for the first few five years of my life and then we just couldn't afford to live in a trailer like anymore like what what about she's like no that's not what happened and i was like okay then what happened and she was like your dad spent all the rent money on steel reserve and then i'm like okay so like so, like, what are we talking about?

And I think it's, like, maybe, like, you know, like, it's that poverty shame that a lot of people have. Because it's, like, poverty, like, to live in poverty isn't a shameful thing. But in the U.S., like, the culture of it, it is. So a lot of people end up, like, brainwashed in that way where they're like, no, you know, we had it hard. There were hard times. But, you know, we were never poor. poor it's like what are you talking about like we had hamburger helper with no hamburger we just had helper like that like we would yeah it's just pasta and the cheese dust like that was you know breakfast lunch and dinner i mean everybody i know that like sort of is doing

well for themselves as adults or whatever has like the people i grew up with has like six or seven meals that they're just never gonna eat again yeah like i i do i have a friend who won't eat pancakes yeah because they would have pancakes for dinner yeah like three times a week yeah and it's like i just't want to, my parents had a thing called hooch that was, um, macro craft macaroni and cheese. And then they would put a tomato, tomato soup and,

uh, ground beef. Hell yeah. And it just mix it all together. And that was like big dinner for the one that we had. That was like, it's the, it's the quintessential,

like your life is over at nine meal. And it's the craft macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it. Like that was like it's the quintessential like your life is over at nine meal and it's the Kraft macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it. Like that was like the like you just kind of knew in fifth grade that you weren't like your friends who like maybe had an above ground pool. You just there was a difference between you and like your dad's friend, Mr. Mr. Eric and Mr Mr. Eric drove a Ford King Ranch and they had an in-ground pool and Mr. Eric's wife your friend's mom she did yoga and like you know and and you would go over there and they had a big tube tv before the flat screens the one with like the 600 pound back and you'd play all the games and then your mom would come pick you up and you're like I want to live at Mr. Eric's house because you know like i joked with thomas when we first started doing this show i became a class trader when i was like eight years old because i i had friends whose

families were like not well off i thought they were like millionaires because they had like above ground pools and we had one actually growing up but my parents had five kids yeah yeah it's so like it's cheaper to buy something like a above ground pool than it is to say go on vacation yeah no for sure but in my mind like i would i remember i was like thinking i was a kid and i saw an above ground pool and i was like uh-huh now we're talking and then i saw an in-ground pool for the first time and my friend with the above ground pool would invite was like, uh-huh, now we're talking. And then I saw an in-ground pool for the first time. And my friend with the above ground pool would invite me over and I'd be like, no, we should go hang out at Mitch's house. It's like a fourth grader.

He's like, oh, why? I'm like, Mitch's pool doesn't. It's in the ground. Have you seen that shit? Mitch has a diving board, you broke motherfucker. And I'm like, but dude, at my house, no pool. Above or in? Nothing nothing nothing to eat like yeah fucking digging through cabinets yeah to find some sort of a snack and like finding yourself like sucking on bouillon cubes and eating

i'm having like my lunch would be, like you're having saltine crackers with Tony Satchery's on it. And you're like, man, this is yummy. This is a fucking... I grew up with a guy who his parents were never around. I assume because they were working. And he was like, he told me,

like before the language, like he hacked making a snack, right? Like he's just like before the language he like he hacked yeah okay uh making a snack right like he's just like i got something i got this all figured out you guys are gonna love this we're over this house we're all hungry and he goes uh i i got it you're gonna love this he took elbow macaroni and dumped it on a baking sheet and then poured salt on it and then just baked it in the oven for like 15 minutes and then pulled it out and he's eating it he's like tastes like pretzel you guys will love this and it didn't taste like pretzel maybe one of the worst snacks i've ever seen but it's like you gotta fucking i i guess if that all that's in the house is like elbow, like I won't buy.

You guys have definitely had this. Do you know the Carl Buddig Carl Buddig lunch meat? The stuff it comes in like almost a pouch. And it's like fucking thirty five cents for a big pile of. My grandma would feed it to us all the time. Yeah, yeah. It's that that stuff. I will never, time. Yeah, yeah. It's that stuff. I will never, ever, ever touch that.

That's my class trade. It's like, oh, fucking never, ever. I don't care how poor I am. I'll just die of starvation before I eat that shit again. I remember one time asking if we could go get ice cream, and my dad was like, oh, we've got plenty of rice. You ever had sugar rice? And I was like, sugar rice? What's that? And he was like rice you ever had sugar rice and i was like sugar rice what's that

and he was like you put sugar on rice and it's just like ice cream and i was like okay i'll try it you know already calling bullshit at like six years old i'm like sugar rice fucking sucks there's no way this is good fuck sugar rice i fucking hate my broke ass dad this shit sucks anyway i make sugar ice guess what that shit's fucking sucks ass it's stupid i dude i remember hating my family so much for being broke being like dude i wish these motherfuckers were dead and i lived in a fucking palace yeah with a bunch of i don't know asian dudes or something like living it up. I remember my mom couldn't buy marshmallows because we would eat them all within 20 minutes of her getting home. We would just fucking go.

I would stay up until 3 in the morning as a little kid if we got a two liter of Big Red or Dr. Pepper, and I would go downstairs and I'd drink half of it just while everybody was asleep. Yeah, to get yours. Yeah, to get yours. It's like, you know, the lions go first. Yeah.

Then the hyenas. And I was one of the crows. You know, I had to wait until the main feast was over. I remember being 13 and like my parents would buy themselves soda, but they wouldn't buy it for us. Soda But they wouldn't buy it for us Because it's like too expensive To get five kids Enough that it won't

Because you don't drink We didn't drink water Yeah we didn't either Dr. Pepper Well off brand It was Dr. Shaster Dr. K or some shit Dr. Thunder

Yeah Dr. Thunder Yeah yeah And I remember sneaking fucking frescas When I was 13 years old. I was like, there's not a 13. Like, I think about it now. I have an 18-year-old daughter. There's not a 13-year-old kid in the world that would want a fucking fresca.

Like a Mormon kid. You're like sneaking sodas. You're like, I'm so bad. It's funny that you brought up the marshmallow thing because, like, I had the same thing. My parents did the same thing with cereal. It's like every now and then they'd be like i'm gonna buy fruity pebbles or uh apple jacks and then it just in the end it was like we can't buy any of that stuff we're just gonna it's gonna be corn flakes because you guys don't like corn flakes so you won't go through it

in one day did you guys ever eat raw oats no i know i never got we never did that shit i remember this one kid who i fucking hated his guts. It was in Sunday school, but he told me he ate raw oats. And I was like, dude, you fucking suck. That's an awful thing to do. I went home and I ate a bunch of raw oats because I was like, he was like, yeah, it's like sugar, basically. It's like eating a cookie, but without the, it's not together. And it wasn't.

It's like wood. I think I had diarrhea pretty bad after that because it was just like it's like eating wood you're eating yeah you're eating like a pig you know like a chicken or something yeah that shit sucks you're eating like like poly board like the shit that they make like chinese furniture out of i remember the the time that i thought like shit had changed for the better we there was a school trip to France. It ended up going on. And this is how I learned about payday loans.

I went to my mom when I was 17. And I was like, Mom, the school's going to France. And I really want to go. Because I took one year of French. And she was like, it's only like $2,000. She was like, all right only like $2,000. She was like, all right, well, let me, you know. And then I knew it was going to be a no, and it ended up being a yes. And I ended up going.

And I like forever was like, how did this happen? Because they were like always, always talking about bills and money was super tight. And then I found out about speedy cash like payday loans checks yeah yeah i trust me i'm the king me too dude like my mom was like like like i got older and she was like uh you know she told me about like oh like you can go in there and you can be like can i have a thousand dollars and they're like oh you're 100 yeah you're gonna pay me 400 a month for the rest of your life. Like, that's the catch.

And at the time, she was like, I don't. And God, like, fucking God bless her for it. She's like, I don't want to tell my son. No, he wants to go on this fucking trip. And my mom never got to leave the country. So she was like, I want, you know. And so she told me, though, never get them. And, dude, I avoided them like the plague until like 24. And I didn't have

money for rent and I didn't have money for bills. I didn't have money for my car payment. I had maybe five bucks in my checking account. And, um, I, and I was like, there's no way they're going to give me money because I didn't have any income. I was bouncing at a bar part time. And then at night I was like taking up like two restaurant shifts a week at this fucking like dead end restaurant that had like no customers making no money and I walk in and I was like hey I'm looking to get a loan and the lady was like absolutely

just step right up and on the big sign by the window it says we like it gives you all the fucking terms and conditions and in little print at the bottom it says how much interest they charge it's between 400 and 600 percent and uh and i was she was like how much money do you need and i was like um two thousand dollars and she was like we can do that how much money do you make a month and i was like fifteen hundred dollars or something great you know and she was

like we can 100 do that and i just signed and she gave me the cash, and I walked out with it. That is like picking up a smoking habit. It is. Because you will do that now every two weeks for the next five. I think I did it for 10 years. I think I was in that cycle for at least 10 years. That's how my mom was. Here's the thing I started doing, and the i had to stop doing getting payday loans i would open up a new bank

account every six months because what they do is they auto draft you and draw you negative but if you close that account and open up a new bank account they can't and they have to send you to collections and then they try to sue you so i think i opened up like four new credit union accounts inside six months and i started to look a little suspicious because i'm just like getting a new bank account every fucking three weeks because i like i just basically tried to i robbed this company for like three grand and you know like i mean you're more responsible than a lot of people in my life who went to a different payday advance place to pay the one yeah that they just took it out and it just started to it then becomes like well you're

my new yeah payday advance exactly yeah well i can't like it's the worst deal i actually went into cash a check once at a speedy cash in austin and i guess they flag people i don't know i mean i'd never heard of this but i went in there and she was like oh you have a balance with us of 1700 and something dollars how would you like to pay that today i just walked out the door like i just i gotta yeah i was afraid because do you know how they're locked up like banks because people try to rob them so like i was i was sure in my mind that like three bars were going to drop from the ceiling like in front of the door is just like sirens start going off and shit.

Fucking SWAT shows up. But yeah, I tell people who've asked me, cause I've talked about it on the podcast and like on Twitter and shit. They're like, Hey, what did you do about your credit cards and your payday loans? I was like,

I just didn't pay them. Like, I just don't, you just don't pay that. And they're like, what about your credit? I'm like, fuck credit,

get it in an apartment and then don't move for a little bit if you can. If you can avoid it. And then buy beaters for the rest of your life. And then in five years, that shit drops off. Just wait it out or whatever the fuck. The saddest thing about the payday advance thing is like, I could write a sad movie about the uh getting your tax return yeah at the beginning of the year and saying like i'm gonna pay this thing off and i'm never getting

a paid advance again and then by march you're like you have six well yeah yeah yeah yeah that was dude those things i i did like a college project on, and I went around and talked to a couple lobbyists who work for that industry. And they were like, well, there's a right-wing think tank in downtown Austin called Texas Public Policy Foundation. And I talked to some kid who I think interned there. I don't know. He was maybe a little bit older than me, his mid-20s at the time, this paper I was working on and he drank the kool-aid dude he was like well how else do you expect poor people to pay their bills are you saying poor people shouldn't be able to pay their bills and I was like no I just don't think you guys should fucked him in their ass

like I don't think you guys should like you know know, torture them every day. I mean, like, I'm not saying, you know, I just think that maybe you and all those guys should die. Like, that's all. I mean, I guess that is what I like. I guess I kind of I'm saying that you should be killed by the state. Like a firing in Ohio. In Ohio, it's like tight, almost like sort of tightly regulated. So you can't get an extension on them so you have to pay it in two weeks oh okay like there isn't there is no extension you're not

allowed to get so like you could never even hustle your way out yeah of of this thing because it's just like i don't i don't i've heard same argument, like how are people supposed to get money? And it's like, I don't know, maybe there should be a place that they could go to get back on track if something bad happens. I don't fucking have any answers. Yeah, yeah, I'm not a politician. But these aren't the places. The answer is called a Roth IRA.

And a lot of poor people could benefit from setting that up earlier in their life. So, you know, when you're reaching retirement age you don't have to worry so much about it you know dude it it goes to show like it shows how stupid it shows how dumb i am because the the payroll lady or somebody at work when i got on board she was like so how would you like to work your contributions? And I was like, what? And she was like, you know, you're Roth. And I was like, I don't want to tell this lady to her face. Hey, before this, I kind of just like sold weed and like did odd jobs.

Like I had, I've had two legitimate like jobs before this one, I guess if you call them office gigs, but there was mostly for beer money and i made like 15 bucks an hour and but in my head so i started like to lie i was like hmm my roth good question what would you recommend fine lady like i'm trying to get her to like feed me info she was like well you know standard contributions three to, and we match up to five. And I was like, hmm, this sounds good to me. How about you set that up and I don't provide any feedback that would let you know that up until like three years ago, I was just kind of like eating Vicodin and like working at the store. I just like I wasn't doing anything, you know.

Well, that's like the cable company was so fucking like i i was such an idiot back then that like i didn't even get a 401k and they would be like it's open enrollment and i'd be like i don't even fucking know what that means yeah yeah so like i would just but i would say i i would always say well i need the money like yeah yeah yeah not in 60 years i i don't fucking know what i'm gonna do i might kill myself you know yeah fucking know what I'm going to do. Yeah, I'm going to kill myself, you know. But then. Yeah. I'm planning to die, you know. I smoke cigarettes and eat fucking gas station food most of the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, and I'm popping pills constantly. So, but then, like, you would be, I'd be in these, like, insurance meetings where they were telling us about our insurance. Yeah. And I swear to you i i might as well have been like a dog in there because i just would sit there and be like how much money are you gonna take like you're just gonna take whatever it is out of my paycheck so why are you telling me about it exactly like all that stuff to me is like why are you telling me yeah I don't have a choice

you're just gonna fucking take it just take it just make sure I have insurance yeah yeah that would be great if I just have insurance I'll be happy yeah and then you get it and it's like you go to the doctor and like you're not in our Network and you're like oh oh okay who is in my network and then the lady like tells you to call the insurance and you call it i've had shitty insurance where like the only doctor on my network i google him and he has like 500 one-star reviews and his name's doctor like i'm gonna kill you like it's just like doctor fucker and uh his like picture on like the med board website is just like of the devil and it's like oh this guy's in my okay i guess i just won't go to the doctor then you know yeah we had one around here that uh he'd charge you 20 bucks which is like

he would just charge you 20 bucks to come in and he would be like here's here's some free samples of medicine and yeah you know whatever he had on hand and you would just leave. And I did that for for a fucking long time. But like, I think the hardest one is the dentist because I don't understand dental insurance. And I just basically like switch dentists every few years. And I'm like, well, you know, will you put me out while you do the work? Well, like, will you? always ask it's like will you give me laughing ass while you do every procedure and they're like yes and i was like you're the dentist i don't have any fucking desire to sit and watch like a lot of times they'll like try to sell you the office as like they let you watch movies well yeah they put a they put football on it's like man i, just fuck me up. And I went to one this week where they were like, okay, you can get laughing gas. You can get Halcyon. You can even get that stuff Michael Jackson got addicted to, the profanol or something.

It put you out. And I was like, let's try laughing gas. But in my mind, whenever propofol comes up i always want to do it i just i've only done it like three times in surgery and it's it's so fucking cool yeah that like you don't not it's like it's what it is to be yeah yeah and it's very relaxing. Yeah. That's so funny to describe. Like, the new drug craze sweeping the nation's youth is dying. It's like being dead pretty much. When they gave it to me for my wisdom teeth, they were like, all right, we're going to give you the stuff that makes you go to sleep.

And, like, i'm an idiot and it's been in my head i'm like hey man i used to uh-oh Am I? Is my shit fucked up? Is your audio? Sounds like Jake's. What's up? Is it Jake's? Hello? I can't hear Jake's. Yeah, I couldn't hear you there. You cut out.

I think your cord's fucked up if I would be troubleshooting. Yeah, you're here. We can hear you now. Yeah, you're all good now. That's weird. You're good, man. Whatever. I don't know if it was i don't know if it'll show up on the final version it's fine it might uh the propofol is the dream because i have always described my drug habit or or what i like when you said xanax earlier

yes sir that's i like my favorite drugs are ones where i'm 90 asleep dead pretty much and then i'm like 10 awake and like that is all i'm shooting for with drugs when i did the ketamine infusion oh yeah uh i i i it was incredible and uh the lady kept saying like uh we're gonna put you deeper in this time and they did get me to a K-hole by the end of it. And it was fucking, I can't recommend it enough, especially if you have, like, anxiety. But it is, you get to go to a place two times a week for three weeks, and they just fucked you off. I remember when I got my wisdom teeth out, I woke woke up and I was still getting my wisdom teeth out and

I just felt something like it was numb obviously they fuck you up for it but I felt something like in the back here and I was like ugh I didn't say anything obviously but I just remember being like huh there's usually not anything

there you know and then just here like didn't have anything, obviously, but I just remember being like, huh, there's usually not anything there. And then just hear it like, didn't have my eyes open, but just hearing somebody be like, oh, shit. And then just out for a long time after that. Oh, shit. Dude, whatever a medical professional says like, oh, fuck, that's not a good sign like i i scratched my cornea uh like a year and a half ago or so and i went into i drove to the urgent care

and uh which not recommended i would not recommend driving yeah to an urgent care when you scratched your cornea 10 hours ago and now both your eyes are yellow um anyway i get in there i'm like hey i think i got something stuck in my eye and they're like okay what do you think it is i was like i think it's a big stick they're like well why do you think that i was like i was using a wood chipper and um sort of like a big piece of mulch just kind of went in there, you know? Just I kind of feel it. It's in there. Anyway, they're like, okay, no big deal.

And I'm like, right, not a big deal. Keep in mind, I'm in the worst pain I've been in in my entire life. Dude, I was like about to piss my pants. It was so bad. Anyway, I get down on the table, and they go to take a look at it, and the nurse is like, oh, shit. And I'm like, don't fucking say that when you're looking at my eye. Because I'm not a con.

Yeah, just be like, oh, that's a good-looking eye. You know, just say some shit like that. Oh, this thing's shiny. Yeah, this is the strongest eye we've ever seen. Wow, you can probably see so well. When they put my silver tooth in my head, I was like 14. And the lady, so my dental assistant looked like she was like in her mid-80s, this old white woman.

And I thought dental assistants were just like, you know, like 20-year-old, like, I don't know, like pre-med students who just like needed a job. Like, I don't know, like 20-year-old, I don't know, pre-med students who just needed a job. I don't know. Whatever. And every time, this happened like three times. I'm sitting there. I'm like a teenager. They got me on laughing gas.

I don't have time in my life, but I can hear under the of the fucking nitrous, I can hear, the hell, you keep dropping it it and this old bitch had dropped my this was going in my head she kept dropping the silver tooth on the ground and they would have to clean it sterilize it and then re-cement the bottom of it and then that i watched them i watched her do that to the point where the dentist was like oh i forget her name just call her gladys because that's an old bitch name he's like a gladys he's the third time and like i'm fucking like do not put that shit like i i'll eat food off the ground but it goes in my belly i don't think about it i don't want something it runs through it's like please don't sue off i always do not use industrial

cement to like permanently attach something to my mouth that you just can't stop dropping on the fucking ground and like stepping on and shit the fuck is wrong with you oh man it's so it is i i remember i got a kidney stone back when i that's how i got addicted to pain it was i got a kidney stone and i kept going to the i went to the doctor and they were like uh they were like here's fucking 30 Percocets. Also piss through this funnel. And then when you see the stone come out, you know, it passed. Well, I was like, I'm not pissing through a fucking funnel.

Like, how do you even like, I had to go to work. How am I supposed to fucking carry a funnel? Yeah. With a stream. Like, it doesn't even make sense. But I didn't do it. And then two weeks later same pain went back in guy was like carry this funnel around here's 30 percent this it was the

good old days it was really like 2001 they were just like here's 30 more they over corrected you still got those other ones they over corrected dude because i tore my when i was a teenager when i started doing jujitsu uh like three or four months into the i tore my when i was a teenager when i started doing jiu-jitsu uh like three or four months into the i tore my rotator cuff and my labrum and uh this was in 2009 and uh they gave me a 15 year old uh what was it uh norco it's not it's like off-brand i guess like off-brand ox i forget what it is yeah but yeah the i think it's nor yeah yeah off-brand vikin it was the um and my mom was like really and they were like yeah just 30 he'll be all right you know and uh 30 and i dude they gave me 30 fucking five milligram vikin i was like 14 or 15 and my shoulder did fucking hurt bad dude and uh for like two weeks i was just

taking them normally and then this little voice in my head that was probably the little voice in my dad's head there was probably the little voice in his dad's head was like hey check this shit out playboy when you take one your shoulder doesn't hurt and you get kind of sleepy have you ever thought about taking four like you know and that point, I was like, dude, this shit rocks. This is awesome. And then now you go and you fuck yourself up and they give you tramadol, which is like, it's dog shit. It's like it's fucking, you know, it's just child's play.

Like, I understand Oxy ruins lives, but I think that we kind of, you know, the golden age is gone for sure. But I think that we kind of, you know, the golden age is gone for sure. Another one of the funny things you did back in like the 2000s was you go, I don't think this stuff's working. You call the doctor like two days later and be like, I don't think this stuff's working. I'm still in a lot of pain. They'd be like, here's 30 Percocets. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Here's just an unlimited amount. Here's Perc 20. Here's a Perc. Dude, those pill mills, holy fucking shit. You want to see the last and final stop on the subway ride that is the human condition? Pill mills. I used to have to go to them to get shit from my shoulder when I was a teenager. And in Texas and Florida, you could,

you could, they're barely doctors. Like there's some of the most unregulated States for this stuff. And, um, I would go in there, dude, there'll be people in there like,

uh, uh, and they would go up to the fucking counter and the lady be like, sign this paper here. And here's your insurance here. And the guy would be like, the, like, and you're just sitting there and you're like i i'm watching this right now and i'm like this is scary i can't wait to go home and eat 10 of these like you're in your mind

you're like i'm not gonna become like him i'm cool like i'm chilling you know my aunt got real sideways on him probably still is i haven't talked to her in a while my aunt got real sideways on them probably still is i haven't talked to her in a while but she got real sideways on them and she was like uh they were giving her the patch oh my god yeah patches and they're powered by heat so she would put the patch on and then lay on and just get fucking lit up man all day and like um that's so fucked up dude the the doctor that was prescribing them died like after she'd been on for like years she went to the doctor's funeral and she was crying and the fucking doctor's spouse was like fucking comforting her because she was just like i'm never getting and she had to start going to a pill mill but yeah that that shit i

mean my brother cut one of those patches open and drank it and said that like everything was so fucked up for like he was sitting he said he would move as he would move one of his limbs and then he would feel it move like a couple seconds later and i was like that's getting that's how a lot it was i would like i would get up to go because opiates make me have to piss really bad i don't know if it's like a i would get up to go piss and i would stand up but i wouldn't realize that i had stood up until like there was like a latency delay like i would stand up, but I wouldn't realize that I had stood up until like there was like a latency delay. Like I would stand up and I'd be like, oh, I'm standing now. And then I would like pull my penis out.

A lot of times I would just piss on my own shoes when I was really fucked up because I'd pull my penis out and kind of not off. And then and then I would like relax to piss. And I'd be like, wow, this is a really long pee. I'd been standing there for like five minutes and I had piss all over my like my feet. And I'm like, dude. And then then at the time there's this thing thomas and i've talked about this a little bit there's this thing in your mind where you're like i'm just partying you know what i mean like you're like i'm not like one of those guys i'm just partying you know like i'm not yeah i'm not a fucking pillhead. Those guys are pieces of shit. Yeah, you're hanging out with one friend, and you're like, dude, I'm a fucking social guy. Yeah, yeah.

I'm better than him, too. I'm, like, better than him. Yeah, I'm not Todd. Todd's a fucking—Todd's had six jobs in the last three months. You know how many jobs I've had in the last three months? Four. Like, Todd's a fucking loser, dude. I can hold down a goddamn job.

I'm way cooler than my one friend. He's a pedophile. You're always comparing yourself. It's the same thing with cigarettes when you smoke them and you're like, I'm just a social smoker. I should quit smoking cigarettes. And then you're like, but I don't smoke three packs a day. Like that guy. It's like, well, you should.

I mean, one pack is still a lot of cigarettes to smoke per day. I used to do that shit with my own dad. When I got really bad, I was like, well, you know, at least I would put the bar on the floor for myself. I was like, well, at least I didn't knock up a teenager and then get addicted to crack cocaine. And then it's like, yeah, you shouldn't do that. Yeah, you don't want to do that. My rehab, I'll tell you this. I don't know where if my daughter, if I didn't have a kid, I don't know when i would have gone to rehab i think

about it all the fucking time i'm like she was like less than a year old and you're like getting fucked up and you look and you're if you're like a normal person you look and you're like i don't think i should yeah be doing this with this thing get around this person yeah but like i think about it all the time like what happens like what is the thing that happens that makes me go to rehab if i don't have it yeah yeah yeah and i have no fucking idea because i was not looking to go to rehab when i went i only went because it just felt like i guess the right thing to do. And I still hate that I win. I would love to be just popping pills. I love popping. I think opiates and Xanax are the two that just, I love them so much.

That's why they're addictive, because they're so level. Because they're too good. It's like if you ask LeBron James to stop playing basketball. Yeah. It's like, hey, you know this this thing you love and you're good at not dying so far at it too you just gotta hang up you gotta fucking hang up the towel and it's like i mean you saw muhammad ali get a little shaky in his last few fights people didn't tell him to sit down you know no the thomas and i have joked about like rehab, recovery, sober guy who's like,

hey, listen, brother, your best day clean is better than your worst day clean or whatever. You know what's better than heroin, man? Getting a 10K run in because you get that runner's high. And some guys have to lie to themselves like that to stay away from that shit but it's a fucking lie at the end of the day like i've hiked a fucking mountain and i've done fucking morphine a mountain is pretty cool do not get me wrong man you get up that you get up to the summit and you see the shit and it's snow capped and there's fucking goats and deers are bugling and shit and eagles

soaring there's little bugs on the ground and you're like fuck i did this it pales in comparison to getting into a pair of pajamas that have blown out nut like stitches and taking fucking four 10 milligram vicodin and turning on the simpsons and being like that for like three years. Like, it's not the same at all, dude. It's not. No, I got kicked out of rehab when I went. I was outpatient, but they ended up just kicking me out and saying, please don't come back. But it sucks because I would love it to be like a really cool story, but it was like they were doing the 12 steps. Yeah, no, fuck that.

And there's the step about a higher power and i this is 2000 i think six or seven and it's just full on religion yeah yeah of uh being an atheist so i was like i will not have a higher power and then uh they they made me go to a meetings AA meetings Which I went to one By my house And I went to three AA meetings By my house and at every Single one of them two people

Fought At every one of them And it was just like this doesn't seem like as healthy For me to be hanging around either Because my mom's a super My mom's like a super AA 12 stepper All the shit That shit's My mom's a super, my mom's like a super A. Yeah, a 12-stepper.

All the shit. And I just, that shit's, I mean, I'm glad it helped some people, but it just, I'm not clean either. That's the thing with me. It's like, I look at things like, I look at it like, well, I could do well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Or I can, if I drank, I could drink or whatever. yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean or i can i can if i drank i could drink or whatever i i my opinion is like you know in moderation when i was on tour i would pop painkillers if somebody gave them to you know when you walk off stage sometimes people give you xanax or vikadin or something like

that and i would take them then i didn't have any fucking problem doing that and then just going home and not doing them so i just i don't believe in that fucking abstinence thing unless you you're just a person who is prone to like because there are people that are like prone to just destroy that's how that's how i am like that that's the thing is like i tried when i was like trying to quote unquote like when when I was, cause my shit was Coke and opiates and I quit doing opiates and I kept doing Coke and I tried to be like a weekend cocaine guy or just a cool guy that does cocaine and it like hangs out on the weekend. And then like Sunday would roll around and the Coke's gone and I gotta be at

work tomorrow. And I'm like, you know what sounds really cool if I did cocaine tomorrow, it just doesn't work that way like cocaine is one of those things it's like good luck you know like good luck you know that's how i got bad on painkillers that's actually how it happened was oh yeah i'll just do painkillers on friday and saturday i'll just do painkillers on friday saturday and sunday sunday's still technically yeah yeah yeah now i'm just gonna do painkillers on thursday friday saturday sunday sunday's still technically yeah yeah yeah now i'm just gonna do painkillers on thursday

friday saturday sunday because thursday is ladies night at a lot of bars which is a night that people actually party and you just keep figuring out a way to make another day yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wednesday's wine wednesday at the bar i like to go to, and I ain't going to drink wine unless I've had at least a couple Xanax, you know. It's hump day. I mean, that's kind of a holiday in itself. And Tuesday's the worst day of the week because it's the furthest from the weekend, but it's also too far from Sunday, your last time you had a good time. So I've got to get fucked up on Tuesday, and Monday I'm hungover,

so I've got to get fucked. And then by then, yeah, you're at seven days a week, but then you're still like, hey, I'm you know yeah yeah i'm party i'm a cool whatever i have a reason for each one i'm taking okay and then you're fucking i remember standing in my living room fucking uh uh chopping like chop i didn't like snorting stuff so i would fucking crush vicodin and then pour them into my mouth without water or anything like i chewed i was chewing fucking pills near the end of it to get them to work faster and enjoying the flavor of pills like saying like they should make gum

that tastes like you're treating it like a like a Grigio. You're like, oh, these yellow, the yellow Vicodins have an oaky, like a buttery sort of like flavor or whatever. You know, these aged in the back of my Levi's for six weeks. And it gave them like kind of a whiskey barrel type, you know, a note of ginger. In the end, it's chasing them down that that got me out it was just like people specifically with coke i think and with opiates like the drug dealers for that stuff are truly the oh they're degenerate deal with because they know you're not going to fucking give up. So they're just like. Yeah, yeah. They know that you're not quitting, dude.

Yeah, and so they can run you through the ringer all fucking day. Yeah, I'll be ready in two hours. I'll be ready in two hours. And then you're just like, fuck, I'm almost off work. Because I would pick him up in my work van. Fuck, I'm almost off work and he's not done. Maybe I could pick up an extra job or something like that. And then, like, I'd end up getting to pick him up.

But it was just like weed dealers are infinitely more accommodating. It's weird. Because you're not addicted to it. Yeah, and you're not addicted to it. So they're just like, oh, you might really give up. Yeah, that shit's fucking, God damn. Well, I appreciate you coming on. I don't want to keep you.

Thanks for coming on, man. Guys, it was so fun. I'm going to bring you guys over on to, I told Thomas, basically I'm doing a mini-series in about a month called Welcome to My TED Talk. And what it is is I'm going to be reviewing a half hour of TED and TED2 with different people every week. So somebody will be watching the second half hour of TED and only reviewing that half hour. the second half hour of ted and only reviewing that hell yeah so i want to have you guys come over and record i would love the episodes about ted or ted 2 movies i've never seen so if you're ted fans i haven't seen them either should be you know too too fresh

i think i saw the first one when i was in high school so i we but ted 2 that's a new one for me i am i i figured out that what earns me money which is i is people perceiving that i'm miserable then they'll be like oh i gotta pay because it's like yeah i watched like all of i started with a scary movie and watched all of the yeah that's like disaster movie superhero i watched all those and people like i fucking love that show you did where you watched all the uh really bad fucking movies it's like i didn't like getting there but yeah we have a version yeah it's uh we have a version of that kind of it's it's like the show like people, people are like, we'll think we put out the worst piece of dog shit ever published by a podcast ever. Because it's just us basically, like, half asleep being like, what if there was a god that everyone worshipped, but his name was Beeple Pussy Man.

And he had Tourette's and HIV. And then Thomas is like, yeah, what if I, and then like we do that for an hour and a half and then I'll get a DM that was like, almost crashed the work truck. And I'm like, I thought that was the worst, most unfunny piece of shit. What is the name of your show?

Did you want to, did you want to plug it for? Okay. So by, I think by the end of next week, my new free feed will come out, and it is called Guys, a podcast about guys. And I'm basically just going to introduce a different person to a different guy every week or type of guy. The first episode will be with Mike Hale from Your Kickstarter Sucks,

Dog Boner, and Chris James, and we are looking at nasty horny we're going to read reviews for swingers clubs okay hedonism to and also just guys that review porno that's awesome yeah those good I think that's an it that is it's way worse than being like a goon cave guy like you know you're like the yeah that's terrible if you're doing like no money no money if you're doing comments on your review of porno that's the most psycho you like what do you say like like i know that there are you guys on youtube that make a lot of money doing like cinematography where it's like yeah i didn't like that color grading what do you say is like yeah he's not eating your pussy with enough pizzazz.

Like, I don't know how do you get there. When you read them, man, you read those reviews and they're like, I like it when he fucking really went wild on that one. And you're like, just fucking keep that to yourself, dude. I paid $85,000 to never brush the teeth again. The fucking, the fucking i i highly recommend this read reviews for swingers clubs because they are fucking incredible dudes will go to one and then not have any sex because nobody wants to fuck them and they will give the worst review

like none of the women wanted to that's so awesome dude okay sounds like like but your name's on this yeah it's like like yeah dr mike brown from fucking fort worth texas i couldn't get any pussy at the pussy store i'm a loser i fuck it jesus christ well uh man i i had a good time i appreciate you on. Let us know about the Ted thing and check out. It's going to be called Guys on the free feed. Yeah, the Patreon is MurderXBrian. Patreon.com slash MurderXBrian. It is a lot of series.

Obviously, I do a lot of highly specialized series. For sure. I did a show about shock jocks that people tend to love with Felix Biederman and Chris James. And I did sports talk radio guys and I did preachers. So they're just like really specific, like five episodes of something where I talk about just something really cool. Thanks for coming on, man.

And y'all make sure to check that out. Patreon.com slash murder X Brian. And we don't got anything to plug. Just you know who the damn show. You know what it is. You know what this is about. Thank you, guys. All right.

Thanks for having me, guys. For sure. Let me stop the recording. Yeah, let me send you.