Pendejo Time - Sam and Tom (Audio Only)

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

Featuring our old pal Sam @RealOnLineBoy  Watch that here  Catch us live  Sub to the show 

And if you don't know, this is Sam. Hello. What up, player. Do the whole podcast talking like that. We've, guys, stop it. Quiet down. Guys, we've got an incredible guest on our podcast today. Me, Sam.

It's like This is six-timey film And today Introducing Sam Real Online Boy Sam

What can you tell us About the ladies today The what Sam What could you tell us About the ladies today Ooh The ladies

I was just wondering if I could If I If I could become like a swaggy wigger guy If I tried really hard actually Like if I started chewing a toothpick a lot Like if I just like acted Because like obviously that's not who I am But if I just did

If I tried to really imagine What would one of those guys say Could I pull ladies doing that? I think you Well I think you could Because you're tall That's so sweet you to say and becoming

Nick don't clip this one becoming taller makes you blacker I do feel that's why I'm allowed to say it becoming too short also makes you blacker can vary I would say it makes you more Latino okay interesting

because you get that sort of machismo it's a hard word for a lot of people to remember machismo because it combines nachos with macho in what way does it do that with the movie grantorino okay then you i understand now yes but i think that could be good for you i've been thinking about doing like a like a chicago hustler let's hear it them dice man they don't lie a night in Chicago

the city of dice everywhere you go it's a window rolling down and two dice is getting thrown out of it on the sidewalk cold hard dice playing dice games late till midnight yeah I think it could probably get you some

late night in Brooklyn late night dice hustling they used to call me Eddie dice it would be funny if you're like I don't think about being a Chicago dice kind of, oh, how are you doing? I was to say what kind of what race the dice hustler is. Hey, Roy. Hey, Roy Bow.

Hey. Wanna play some dice? We used to play dice back in the day. Late nights in the alley, shooting dice. He's don't stop saying dice. Well, other than dice, Grandpa, what'd you like to do? roll around and my Cadillac dice

Smoking a big old six dices on top of each other like a cigarette rolling them sevens all over Chicago different parts of it Logan Square The Wat River Walk

Do you know Chicago Well? Lincoln Lodge Comedy Club Shoebus tavern another comedy club Is it Pequod's pizza The one that people It's a long wait Pequod's pizza

With the long weight And the dice Lou mom that is Uh The Uh the Freehand Hotel It's cheap

One of the cheaper hotels I think I got like a 65 I got a real good deal To free hand turned out it was like seven square feet of space Could barely shoot dice in there Yeah, you could be a dice hustler But I still dress like this Like a magic the gathering hustler

I was imagining Recently Tony Soprano Wanted to play cards at the bang But he wants to play magic Listen Let me explain your fucking Your top manner All right, it's very cool.

You're playing as a wizard, a plane's walker. No, it's not gay. I don't like that. I like that. How about Tony Bass? Hey, I'm a gangster. Tony Alto. I'm kind of in the normal range.

Tony Sopran. Hey, I'm Tony. I never heard someone say that. Hey, I'm Tony Soprano. Tony Sipano. Oh, pussy. This is my friend pussy. This is my friend, big pussy.

My son is gay. I can't believe I've never heard someone. I mean, I'm sure many people made that joke, but I've never heard it. It's actually the first time. Right here. Right here. On the blue couch. Back then we used to sit on a blue couch with one friend shoot dice.

the dice get stuck in the couch players play making love all the time showing ladies the dice and they show them your rice rice

no what's rice it's because it's because back in the day chicago vagina used to look like two pieces of rice stuck next to each other that's how small they vaginas was and that's how we liked it back there this big

two lips that are this big That's how we like Like a newborn Shipmunks pussy Oh Pussy Like a newborn chipmunks pussy Got a tiny ass dick

I need that shit to be the size Of a chipmuffs pussy My dick so small Look like one of the dots On a die I call my dick a die I call my dick a die But instead of short for dice

It's short for dick Because it's a short-ass dick and it makes me want to die back on the old Chicago hustlers they used to have little-a-dick and we liked it like that is a Tony Soprano I'm Tony Sopranos

I like little-a-lice dick Yo, what's good? My name Tony Sik You better bring me my little last dick by Friday we're going to have some problems I like little last dick And my name, Tony Soprano. I don't ask for a little.

I don't need a lot because I got a little already. My asshole small, like two pieces of rice. Brown rice. That's right. It's a big pussy I got friend named Little Titi. Tony Sopranos, like, a black lady from Chicago who likes tiny peaches. Dad, did you shoot mad dice in Chicago with hustlers and players? No.

I just bounce on him I just bounce on him oh whatever instead of in every other scene it was totally soprano like banging some you know

hot blonde or whatever it was just him getting fucked in the ass bike with tiny dick all of his all of his gumars are just man with teeny tiny

tiny dicks just sucking at tiny Carmel's like, Tony, I know you, I know you fucking someone else. He's like, no, I'm not. Hey, prove it. Like, who is someone tiny? Tony Subrano, they're fucking an ant.

He's putting an ant in his asshole. Tony Sopranto. Almost every episode, Tony's putting an ant in his ass and trying to hide it from Carmela. He said family dinner. He forgot to take the ant out of his ass before coming to dinner.

An aunt calls the house and Carmela picks up. How come you're missing with me. I don't come to your place or workplace of business and take the aunt out of your ass. That you like to have in there because it fucks your ass. Eddie Todd, don't forget, talks like this.

Yeah. I only talk like that whenever I haven't had my tiny, tiny, tini. Did I start talking like this after a while? Well, I'll tighten it up my ass. Oh, oh, you made it tighter. Righty, tidy, lefty, Lucy. His ass isn't this big. My ass is that big.

You got to get the video so you can see how close together my fingers are. I'm 300 pounds of my ass is this big? You can tear my ass with a greater ice. When I poop, it's like a really long spaghetti. Oh, longer than me. It's a piece of spaghetti as long as my car. Back in Chicago, we were. He just had big pieces of poop tighties, a piece of spaghetti long as a car.

And we fucked guys with party dicks, and if we couldn't find them, we'd fuck ass. And then I moved to New Jersey and became a crime boss. Yeah, I used to shoot them dice all over my stomach. Yeah, I got fucked by a dude last night. He made me shoot dice all over my stomach and face. I shot my dice. Oh, fuck, I'm going to shoot. rolls dice in his stomach i shot dice in my friend's mouth last night too much kovassi hey well this is a rich

vein my name is a rich vein yeah i had the same thought but i thought i probably shouldn't say that Okay Rich Vane Auto Sales I got a rich vein for you right here The people only listening I grab my Tiny penis Holy shit

Boy you have got a dick like an ox The way you grab it Ocks is like to grab They dicks with their hooves Squared and then they dice off into their mouth rolling in the me streets of Waco, Texas

looking for cows with tiny asses to fuck but my small cowboy dick Hey man What's you been out to lately? You asking me or are the cowboy? I think probably it's you at this point

Um nothing really worth talking about on a comedy podcast. Nice, nice. Hanging out with my way too old parents having a shitty time with the head. Swinger parties, I know how to... Yeah. My mom's got dementia and I just, she's starting to like get less

and less with it. And it's just, I'm starting to feel like maybe it's not ethical to fuck her. I just like, because, you know, how much can see, is she even aware? Like, she used to love to fuck before she started to lose it, but at a certain point

of my taking advantage. But everyone still has needs so yeah i mean you wouldn't stop going to a bank just because they weren't open i don't know i'm not sure how that still got to go to the bank for what if they're not open for what well you still got to go so they know you're putting your best foot for yeah that is true i'll go to the bank on sunday because they so they know i'm trying to get money I thought them to watch the security footage, be like, oh, this man wasn't. Oh, shit. I thought Benjamin Franklin needed a ride homie, dick.

I go to the bank. I get, I think out $100. I rolled up into a little kind of roll, and then I put it in my ass. $100, shit, that lasts me a day. It's a normal amount of money to spend over the course of a day. day. Shit, I need $500 a week. Man, I straight up, I need about $40,000 a year.

Living in New York, shit, man. $1,000 lasts me a month's tops. Man, my rant about $400. Shit, I spend $200 groceries. We really are doing a lot of the episode as black guys. No, we're not. You're right. White guys can talk like that too.

And I'm actually doing an impression of a white guy who talks like that. Hi, this is my black guy voice. Hi. Hi, I'm black. Hello, I'm black. Hi. Hi, I'm black. Hi, I'm black.

They could be anything they want to be. My name is Ed. blackman ed sense for of course educated you sound a lot like the principal on strangers with candy whose name is

principal blackman oh well okay what's his first name someone out there is going to know this it's a very fun that's not onyx it's a really fun

hold I have to Google it now real quick is it ebony no Principal Blackman. Come on. Come on. What's his name? Principal Blackman.

Vamp. I need to figure out Principal Blackman's name. It is Onyx. It is Onyx. It's Onyx Blackman. I couldn't be honest, but it is. That's a funny, but we did you watch through that show. It's like the funniest show of all time.

I haven't seen that one. It's so fucking good. He plays a principal at the school, and there's an episode where he's, like, asking students, like, what kind of shit they took that morning and asked him to, like, describe it in great detail. And he has a shower in his office, and he's always naked and showering in his office. It's maybe Top 5 funniest shows Maybe I gotta check it out

It's on Paramount Plus Fuck you It is How much is paramount plus Not that much Like $40, 50 dollars a month Jesus Christ

No I don't know It's probably like $10 a month There probably is a free trial We could watch the whole thing During the free time Every free trial I never I don't know if I've canceled

A free trial in my life I once accidentally paid for a year You're still paying for CISO I have 2B Is it 2B free Famous? I have 2B

And I don't even have a 2B account So it doesn't save it When I stop watching a show I have to figure out I have to remember exactly where We have to act normal And not say anything Bad

Oh whenever I watch 2B It's actually really funny I like to watch the boy show on there The Boys show Yeah like with tractors and fire trucks and I never watched the girl show

you're talking about Bob the Builder no I'm talking about the news the news where they have tractors I watch Toobie News Oh my God today at Tooby News We have

A lady in the parking lot dropped a piece of biscuit and it landed on the ground back to you wow I'm here next to the public pool and this water is high

you say hi high okay this is tuby news this is Rutherford back to you Ethel well

today in other tuby news We're going to have some ads because it's free. Oh, God. They better be good ads. I hope they're funny. We got an ad for... Now, I'm trying to remember the name of it, Sky Rizzi.

Sky Rizzi. Is that the child who had the disease? It's a disease a child could have. Oh, Sky Rizzi, that's amazing. Sky Rizzi is a disease. We have an ad for a disease. The new sequel only on Tubi, sickle cell two. Nah, that's not funny.

No, that's wrong. That's wrong. That's wrong. On the ground here, Tube News, a earthquake. Many people wondering, what the hell is that? We go to our earthquake expert, whose name I'm really not sure of. Moses Solomon That's right

An earthquake is like a tornado How so? But it's in the ground It can swirl just like a circle Or many times a cone Are you sure about that? It's caused by the earth mutating Into its form

That is interesting to be It happens when water and sin collide. You can't watch this So it's on the beach. You can watch this in a smaller scale on this video My grandma sent me on WhatsApp It's where the sand becomes a wave And earthquake is much like a landquake

Except a landquake can slide much faster Taking down the entire mountain range on its way down Back to you Thank you Every time they went back to somebody on the news They went hey I remember when they come back from the news, the newscaster goes, thank you. Hi.

Hi, thank you. Hi. Another mass shooting. Oh, hey, it's me. I'm in the news. We have a report of a 14 killed at Parkville High School. We cut now to our reporter live on the scene. Hi.

It's me, Mom. I'm on TV, Mom. Sorry, I had to say that. I had to do that. what we're facing today is something unprecedented. Bye! Let me see.

Sorry, it's not on the newscast. I have it on my phone. 104 dead. Shit, that's a lot. And three injured. Weird. Really accurate guy. Bye. Bye.

This has been Hello News with hi-hay there. that's good stuff to me maybe that's where the name Heather comes is from hey there hmm maybe it is so people say hi Heather

they actually mean hi hey there hi hey there yeah I think people do do that and mean that this segment has been and Nick will need this edited food for thought

hi hey there hypothesis high plus hey there equals heather name in parenthesis

put a bullet point there and then we'll go to the people always talk on the

podcast why are people never just quiet old I'm just sit and enjoy each other's

company what did I do the oh my goodness funny how much eye contact

we've been making this episode look you got to get real, you got to stay real. And that's rule

number of people who walk into my podcasting dojo. A lot of times they're not ready for the smizoke. For the what? Smizoke. Oh, yeah. The smizzo. I guess kind of New York for smoke. No, I know. I'm from here. Yeah, me too. I feel like we're going to touch hands. I really feel like at some point I'm just going to reach out.

Hi. And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all? What song is this? I don't know it off. Did you make it up? No, it's definitely from a hit song. Sounds beautiful.

Oh, I think that's by Best Deal or something. Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that can't be part of the song. And if you close your eyes And if you close your eyes And if you close your fries And if there's groceries And if there's grocerise

If there's grosser eyes I don't know I can't join in singing because I don't know the song Well we could do a different song Well first my I'm not going to sing it But my mind keeps thinking

Of John Lennon's famous You know woman is the Something of the world Well What can you do Woman is the neighbor of the world Yeah Or

Woman is the finger of the world No how about this world woman um lemon is the twizzler of the curl referring to lemon curl

a new candy I'm working on lemon is the twizzler of the girl in a reference to your your unreleased candy lemon curl this is how we have to get the word of...

So I guess it's sort of like if I'm understanding it's kind of like a lemon flavored twizzler, but it may be curly. No, well, it's an analogy. I think it's more of... I think it's more of an allegory, personally. Okay. I think it's a parable.

I think it's a parable... Lemon is the twizzler of the girl. Different... I don't know. I don't know how the original song goes. I don't remember how the melody goes. I just know the awesome title. He was really cooking when he came up with that.

I bought it said Yoko Ono, it was yogurt and chokolo for chocolate. Yoke. Yo-K. You'll play. Oh, okay. Yoke. Grape juice. Don't be in fridge. Take a.

glass and fill it purple with tenders of chicken eating for lunch delicious

crunch will make it crispy crispy crispy crispy and guys feel free to do stuff like this at home

it's not a copyright thing you can make music like this as well just in the comfort of your own space I have an old one I thought of years ago that I've thought of doing a video for but imagine balls and penis on a child who's gay

yeah that one's in the vault for a while I guess this is the big reveal you can call me a pedro but I'm not the other one In ancient grace we were normal And I think

That is fun Instead of the Beatles The Pettles The Pettles The Pettles The Peele files The beta files Let's see, there's rolling

Rolling stones Uh Maybe we could go back to Lemon is the Twisler of the curl Oh, there was one I had the other day I really liked That was Rolling Stones Bones, Beast of Burden, and it was,

I don't want your cheese it for a girl. I know there's fries. I know they're gooder. All I want is some curly fries with cheese. That's pretty great. I'm looking at my list of song parody ideas. It's just dozens.

and dozens long. Love the taste of your cheers, I'm fucking gay. Don't you know I'm AIDS sick? I think me and Ben Avery came up with this one like six years ago. Gaylee, I sucked on his

chode. I liked his asshole and swallowed his load. which one is that crazy train oh yeah posse osborne wow

how'd I never get there I wrote down I just wrote down to gay berry white I never went anywhere with that but I was very tight really should be very black you know

barely white well there's fairy white too fairy white is that a gay white guy yeah kid rock I wrote kid rock voice my suck is dick let me

let me see what else we got here let's get down let's get down to syndrome you've been like in any new music lately I've been listening to the damn rodeo on the radio I just kill myself did you mean to say that

was that actual mistake I was singing about the radio and the rodeo at the same time why are you thinking of the rodeo why are you thinking of the rodeo this is where a lot of people actually listen to the radio if you go there classic Everybody at the rodeo has their boombox on their shoulder

and they're listening to Kiss FM or maybe something else. Jammin 94-5 or something. Power 1-07? I don't know. I used to listen when I was a kid I used to listen to. When I was like 8 or 9, I got a handheld radio. And I wasn't supposed to listen to like explicit music, but I'd listen to like the hip-hop station.

I'd go to the end of the driveway and tune. it to Jammin 94-5 and I would have it as quiet as it could possibly be right up to my ear and I was so scared of getting caught that like I had my finger on it so I could change it in one motion change the dial in one motion to

NPR if my mom came out even though she was like she would have been like 50 feet away you could barely hear it but I was I just wanted to listen to hip hop so bad what were you particularly digging back? Oh yeah I'm thinking about is you I was like my favorite song that was like nine years old and I love the Baja men I still remember the

whole rap from who let the dogs out great song song about being horny for a bunch of girls well I love food and I eat food baby I eat food and I will chew whenever I eat food All I want to do is true And I think it would be rude To not eat all of my food Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-l just a little something to think about it, I guess Yeah, I'll be, I'll be thinking about that later tonight Even when I'm eating food

All I'm thinking about is food Even when I'm eating poop Oh wow that's It's right there for you It's right there for you Even when I'm eating soup All I think about his poop Yep

I'm a perfect angel troupe But I want to eat your poop eating poop will really always be a thing i think whenever i go poop want to put it between my foods and then what i squeeze it with my boots where to jump to from there squirondize out with my ooze i want to go back to my does you just spray perfume i think so

oh nice uh no that was actually uh dough urine you love the smell of that because that's fine um you're addicted to stuff like that i guess maybe maybe that's you up your alley i don't know that's fine We used to spray a dough urine

Just to scare my uncle off For what? The yard He'd eat all the vegetables You spray it on him or just on the vegetables? Who's to scare up the other deer Because we wanted them to think there was one deer That was super dehydrated

Fuck this deer No but we would put Coyote urine Or dough urine or something like around the exterior of the house to deter something. I don't know. I don't know what. I think it was to protect vegetables or something like that.

But, or would they add, like, sirens that only possums could hear? My mom has those in her yard to scare off. He doesn't that existed. Possums. It's like a high frequency so they don't root around in the yard or something. something i don't know what i think it was so they wouldn't eat the outdoor cat food which like it's kind of their job you know to pilfer such as the nature of a possum

it's a pilfer so this is possum talk a possum that cannot pilfer is like a trump with no filter very dangerous that is so fucking true me and Patrick should we live out I mean

I had a dream recently where I genuinely lived out in the dream I dream I was back in I think I was in grad school in the dream and I had to go to my first class and I was like

trekking with the teacher and she's like oh we can't have we won't allow Jews or Mormons or facts is what she I'm quoting my dream and I sat down in class and I was like

I don't think I can stay here if it's going to be if the teacher is going to be a bigot I don't think I can go to school here and I got up to leave and I said by the way is it I like to fuck women in the ass is that okay and the teacher was like that's really none of my business and I was like then why would it be wrong if I wanted to fuck a man in the ass it's actually ethically the same thing and I walked out of the room and I was so proud of myself but then I also realized I'd ruin my college career and I woke up like I just lived out 100% sincerely in my dream that's cool you just that's where my priorities lie nice you can't be mean to get guys in front of me

or I'll I'll drop out of school oh yeah well I'm out of here and they're still going to be here so good luck to them and Jews and Mormons for some reason yeah yeah yeah Jews Mormons and certain word I don't I won't I will never say it again me neither not right now not right now no no it's naughty naughty naughty

but anytime I have a dream it's like it's either very mundane or like very uh

vividly bad yeah I have a lot of bad dreams most of my dreams are really stressful um I have a lot of the

uh you know when like uh you're like frozen you're like kind of slowed down physically in the dreams a lot of those why do why does i mind do this trick to us yeah one very recurring thing i have my dream is i'm in a car that's driving and then i look in the front seat and there's no one driving and i'm frantically trying to get in in the front seat to try like before it goes off the road probably like every big month or two i have that recurring theme who knows what that means do you ever drive your car from the vexie yeah probably once or twice a week

yeah okay what does that have to do with anything I don't know because a lot of guys use the strings I did have the strings I got the strings I saw I'm on the TikTok shop I got the steering wheel strings car operating strings

yeah it's hard to make significant turns but you have to kind of you have to practice a lot to really make a turn and they're really the strings break a lot. That's good. I have every,

maybe once or twice a year, I have a dream that I've gone back to summer camp because part of me misses that experience. But every time in the dream I get into the cabin and I look around, there's a bunch of like 13-year-old boys and I immediately think, this is so inappropriate for me to be here.

I need to leave. And I just walk into the woods and I'm like, how did I end up? I really shouldn't have been there. I can't become third. 13 in a dream again, unfortunately, tragically. Well, if that was the case for me, I wouldn't have any more dreams. Good or bad.

But then when I'm in high school in a dream, it just makes sense. I'm like, yeah, I guess I'm a high schooler. Maybe that's why movies are like that. Like, they're never like, all right, you're all adults, obviously. You're obviously all 28, but you're going to be 13 for this movie. I never like that. It's always like, oh, we're all 17, actually. Because your brain can still

Comprehend that to some degree It's not as creepy Wasn't there some movie where they had a guy Who looked like 35 playing like a 15 year old And like they tried to be aging But it didn't work Wasn't that a thing a few years ago I believe it

Thank you Remember 17 again Did you ever see that movie Is that Gepron I think Vince Vaughn I never got that I would just come too quickly but I have a few minutes

Well this guy goes back To being 17 Mm-hmm But He goes to his daughter's high school I come to Vince Vaughn by the way The old guy Right

To be clear But he goes to his Daughters High School And it's still like present day He's just 17 And then he like Wants to be like a popular kid And he like

Almost fucks his daughter like in the movie he's like no I have morals I'm not gonna fuck my daughter even though I really situationally it's also like it's shot in a way where it's like clearly he really wants to fuck his daughter and there's a scene where he's like throwing she's like being like super seductive or whatever and she's also like 17 in the movie and he's like no I am Zach Efron it turns out this is not what I want it turns out what I wanted actually was to bang my daughter but now I'm in the situation I'm not going to do it and it doesn't really I don't know if there's really a moral to the movie

but it's mostly just Zach Efron I guess you could If the moral could be No matter how badly you want to fuck your daughter Don't do it right to not do that It's that gut feeling that's telling you to stop Doing that is right Stop doing it right now

Mm-hmm So I guess that's something to think about For the audience A lot of you guys probably have that problem how long we were doing this about two hours this episode yeah how long have we gone uh we're 40 minutes

okay we don't have to run a full one though no no i just gotta pee oh no go go ahead go ahead i'll hold the fort down yet i thought you were like mad at me or something that's fine no because yeah we can always

uh we can always make things to work with that and now you might think Thomas, why don't you just... There's nobody on the couch next to you. Why don't you just pause it? That's not going to be happening.

And there's a few reasons why. But the main one is I'm horrible at editing. And it's not something I'm going to do. So if that's something you want, I got to work on that. So we're not going to make any cuts for this one. It's just... It is what it is.

We're straight shooters around here. You guys have been doing all right. lately though I got some new material I'm working on right now that I'm actually pretty excited about it's not that good but it's okay you can still be excited about something that's not good I hope you guys are building sandcastles or

something having a nice summer I've been having a pretty nice summer I said I hope that the audience is building sandcastles or something you hope the audience is filling Sam's asshole Come on, man. I'm not even in the room to defend myself in your sane stuff. Such as that. Oh, you'll be in the room to defend yourself.

And if I die by your hand, it is the right of God. Take that force upon me and put it into me. If you were killed by the hand of another man, under what context would you prefer it? Keep in mind, medical malpractice is an option here. If you just want to die during surgery on accident. But I do have to die. You have to die by somebody's hand technically.

But I'm going to allow a lot of loopholes chances to be creative for this one. Because when there's a guest, and it's not Jake. With Jake, I like to always turn it into actually you got raped. In the situation, you got raped in the mouth by everybody. But I'm the guest, though. You're the guest, so I won't say that about you. Maybe I'll say about myself. But normally would Jake go say, actually a bunch of monkeys just ran up and fucked you in this scenario.

And he's like, that wasn't one of the options. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, I guess I'd probably want to get fucked to death. Like, just like one guy or a bunch? I guess a bunch. If I had, if I had. Do you want to dive from all the loads, from all the stuff going in your ass, all the brain damage from the fucking in the head? Probably just dehydration

From loads Well the loads You sweat a lot when you're banging too cold Yeah I'm sweating I'm flop sweating Yeah I'd love to die of dehydration While getting a train ran on me I think I want to die

Probably like well getting a haircut They just cut the hair to You actually cut your head off Can they're too low it kills me Fuck I thought he wanted a negative 17 he wanted a five I use a trimmer that goes

underneath your skull and into your brain since raises through your brain and cuts you up into that just one snizzers snizzers scissor sniff is what I meant to say don't laugh I said snizer big deal

okay that's okay we have understanding people in the audience who know that people slip up sometimes and have almost said it on accident while making up fake words before on the podcast but I almost invented the N-word one time when I was so in the zone

with Jake that I was doing fantasy words and you're like what about an N-volved eye yeah it was just it wasn't quite that close but it was more Japanese sounding if I recall correctly I'm imagining I'm not going to say it yeah we can both just imagine

and that's like the audience to take a moment here to do the same hmm It's, I do like it. Now, we all start getting taller somehow. Hmm. We just experienced it. Now think of Chinese.

Oh. That sounds Japanese. Oh, there we go. Yeah, yeah. Wow. They do say it constantly. Their sound for um. Is what?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw a thing about Yao, uh, Yao Ming saying it. the NBA locker room when he first came to the United States and people were like what the fuck is he's saying to us he's like oh I'm just saying oh huh there's so much um in this league hmm this stupid fucking um but you uh uh have you uh have you thought about learning another language yeah I briefly

when I was going to Japan a while back I was like I should let to learn like very basic Japanese and it was so hard immediately

I was like fuck this no way Eden's been learning some Mandarin words but she was saying the grammar

she's gonna leave you for a Chinese guy she's trying to cheat it's fine it's fine it's fine you know I'm at a stage of life

where there's uh you know i think if you i think if you're left any time after moving to new york to become a stand-up comedian slash podcaster anything that happens to you after that's bad you have to be like well i kind of asked for that to happen you know with this trajectory of my life so it's gonna leave you for like a chinese guy who lives in chinatown selling fish that would be that would just be funny if it was like not a successful chinese man

i'm thinking of like a jack maw type but no I'm thinking of like a 60-year-old. Just a guy who doesn't really speak English. A guy who leaves toilet paper on the ground a lot. He's like 5'2, 60. Abusive. Yeah, really horrible to her. Smells.

The only, one of the only English words he knows is the N-word, and he's not saying, um. Always smells like fish. We're describing a random guy, by the way. This is a fictional. No, this is about a specific. I'm imagining a specific Chinese fish monster. that Eden's gonna fuck instead of you know just instead of you right right

that's how life goes you know or you could leave her for a guy like that I would prefer that I think I'd rather come out on top yeah would you would you rather have her fucking guy like that or you have to fucking guy like that um oh god this sucks but I guess I'll do it I'll do it yeah I need a minute to think about it hmm hmm let me put on my thinking cat God, which one do I? That's weird to think about it. Yeah. I think I'd be very unhappy

in a gay, older Chinese relationship. No, well, probably that two, but mostly just in that particular one that you describe, just sounds like hell. You don't speak the same language. he's just not smelling good

I was gonna date a guy date like a gay movie guy and then we can just go to the movies and then not not really have a sexual relationship just a guy I watch movies with all the time who also likes to grab a bite to eat but just I think I'm just thinking of like a best friend

yeah just a close friend yeah I would be gay for like a close friend just to have a close friend yeah I'd be his boyfriend friend as long as we just kind of got to we didn't have to live together yeah or bang out that often you just someone i DM from time to time of meme i see just somebody i send uh

emails too once in a while hey wanted if you wanted to go to the screening no sex no sex at all still no sex and then you know love messaging this person i love you i love you i'm still not gonna have sex this time it's a heads up i bore the idea if even try making a move, it will not work. That's what I'm talking about. That's what we do. A moment of silence. Ooh, that's sweet silence.

Sometimes I'll do that on solo episodes. I'll be like, guys, can we just be quiet for a second here? I just won't say anything. It's a nice thing to do for the audience. It gives them a moment to kind of make up their own podcast in their mind. yeah let them do you know sort of be creative for a minute instead of

letting you do all the work well because people this is a parisocial thing so people like it when it's bad and when you don't really engage with the audience or show any sort of effort or

no or respond to their messages or do well at your own shows or any of, when you don't do any of that, then people start to realize you actually care more about them as people and not as fans or as

enjoyers of any type of media. Think of them as just people. They're not listening to your show. They're doing their jobs. Nobody listens to it. Nobody watches this. This might as well be ASMR where you're like right. Trinkling the mic and, yeah.

I was just saying to my friend the other night, I do watch ASMR or listen to it before I go to sleep to help me fall asleep every night. And the ones that I actually listen to are so retarded. Like this guy, Fred's voice does, uh, he's done

like 10 or more Joker role plays where he's like the Joker and sometimes he's a doctor and the Joker. Sometimes he's a banker and the Joker. And for some reason, these put me to sleep. I don't know why. But I actually

listen to this guy puts on Joker makeup. And he talks quiet, and he's Australian, and he's, like, trying to do, like, a Joker accent, but it's not that good. And he just talks about, like, he's the Joker, and he's going to, like, I don't even know what he says. I don't even remember anything.

Is he trying to get you to go to sleep? Yes. And for some reason, that puts me to sleep. And, like, listen. There's one, there's one where in the caption that says, you are the Joker. And he's a suitmaker making the Joker a suit, and I'm the Joker.

And that makes me, like, plus me right it's so calming to imagine either that i'm talking to the joker or that i am the joker i like to think about that it really does actually like all of these joker role play videos i've listened to as i've fallen asleep at least three times a video does he have like a large fan base huge like millions there's a whole other world out there really yeah he also does like that's way yeah we'll never get that many eyes on us you know what i mean The guy who's doing the Joker thing. He's just like, that's smarter.

Welcome to the Joker Bank. I'm going to count out some money for you here because you need to go out and just just like talking like I think you're supposed to be a henchman in this case or something. In a lot of the videos, you're one of the Joker's henchmen, which really seems to calm me down. I just like feeling, I just feel like I'm in, I'm looked over by a competent authority. it really is I also love like GameStop role plays or it's usually a woman just like

talking about a video like various video games just reading the back of a box and for some reason that that knocks me out and per I try the role plays those are great

I remember falling asleep to Kid Cuddy one time and waking up and realizing that his discography had been on shuffle the whole time and had been piping into my ears for eight hours straight and I was so disgusted

with myself. I was just like listening to one of his songs and I woke up and I had been listening to Kid Cutty for an entire night. It didn't wake you up at any point. I think one of my ear AirPods or whatever had fallen out but the other was still in and I was still listening to Kit Cutty. And did you

did it permit your dreams? I need smoke smoke no it didn't permeate my dreams that I can remember I think this was in like middle school

but what about adult cutty just thinking out loud maybe time he grows up yeah I think also I wish I could pull I can't think of a single kid cutty song I don't really know him very well

If I could think of one, it would be great to do, like, an adult version of talking about, like, something an adult, not even sexual, just like... I'm wearing a suit, and I have me a suitcase. I know that when I wake up, I will just go to work. I will work in the office. To me, that sounds like an original song you're coming up with. That's pursuit of happy. I guess I really don't know I'm on the pursuit of happiness

I don't know There's one I'm on the pursuit of dad's penis And I know Okay we're getting into my will house Have you ever Listen to Hank Williams, Jr? A little bit but not much

Have you ever heard the song Dinosaur? I don't think so Well He goes I'm a dinosaur She'd out a long time ago But in my head I go Baby my vagina

So She'd pulled out a long time ago That's nice That's what I've been doing lately Just sort of one for And you know you guys feel free to think of your own I feel like

yeah I feel like you know song parodies if we could get serious for a moment I feel like song parodies do a lot for society and they actually do more to fight Trump than you might think let's live out man what would be some good

some good anti-trump parody songs hold on I got I'm fumbling one hold on I'm proud okay I got one

well I know but Donald Trump you're toxic is that's how part of it would have to go how about this is Sabbath

I am orange man that's good he is he is trump or face orange in the head and tiny hands

has he lost his mind um uh I can't remember the actual lyrics I'm trying to remember how Iron Man goes um can he

um hmm it's not coming to me as quickly as I'd like I guess I just don't I don't want to do a bad job because I feel like if I if I do a good job it could kind of do him in I want to really has he lost his mind you know what let the audience please release the files then from Epstein

Okay That's good Yeah Um Um Um Now let's see Trump

Trump Trump Um Um Um Um Um Hmm

And the men with the Gofee and the orange hands And the small pee pee How about this? Donald Trump is really bad. All the things he do are mad. In sitting in his house so white

Makes me crazy every night. Trump is really bad. He's insane. He has gone mad. I like that a lot. That's twinkle, Twinkle little star, and then there's T-R-U-M-P-I-S, B-A-D-A-M-G.

I-G-L-L-E-R-L-L-E-R-G. Stop that. There are two different parodies, though. B, A, D, A, S-S-S. No. No, that's not funny. I want to apologize. That's really not funny.

You're giving, you're giving him power. You're right, you're right. Um, um, uh, some of my, do my Lama, you assume the terms of human. What I got to do? that dilly you that he's not human

j david has a huge man jana bow wow wow wow I don't think what song is this is that a new one uh is that an original no that's that's even flow pearl jam oh

is that even flow okay Yeah, I get it now. I say, On the wings of Donald Trump. J.D. Vance. His hands are small. He is orange and he's gay.

Gay for Putin. Moscow Kremlin, Overlord, fun, Ukraine. There's some other famous hit songs we could do. do. Ah, trumping. Which one is that? You're going to, oh, Trumpy, Trumpy, Trumpy, Trumpy.

Ah, Trump. Which song is this? It's pushing my song, Pepper. Oh, yes, of course. But doing an unsuccessful parody of this. So there's like three syllables in this. I'm sorry. Ah, Trump. Oh, Trumpy, Trumpy.

That's good. Oh, hey there, Trump. What's up? You know your hands are orange. You know your hands are orange. Okay, let's see Top songs Could we maybe be

Benson Boone anti-Trump? Okay, yeah Yeah Now I don't know a single Benson Boone song But I just feel like That's a rich vein right now These beautiful

That's that have Do No Oh that's Benson Boone Yeah, it's Benson Boone These beautiful No These beautiful

Bill that comes from Trump don't vote I hate him you shouldn't I vote for Trump Vance this ticket has lost its damn mind That's good

Oh You have some popular TikTok songs right now Hmm Oh you do Nobody by Minsky Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump

Donald Trump Just the The whole chorus is just over and over. I like that. Another we could do a Sabrina Carpenter espresso. That's that. Vary for Trump. That's a big no.

Vance has a mangina. Do you say mangina? I've never heard anybody talk about Trump or Vance's manginas before. Well, I'd talk about it. This is where you find the real truth. Yeah. No one else has the guts to talk about their mangina. Drop,

this horrible president man's. Big Beautiful Bill. What's a popular song we could turn into? Big Beautiful. I like. Big Beautiful Bill. It is so bad. it's a bad bill bill beautiful bill it is not good but this this is bad bill this is bad bill this is bad bill

help i need somebody help help me stop the donald help and that's asking for like a A Democratic nominee To stop Oh, how about If you like voting Kamala Yeah And your

And your mind's not deranged That's so good If If you like voting for black women And people of color And guys that are gay Trump Vance You don't need to put out that bill tonight

Trump vans Please don't put out that bill It hurts women tonight Does a big beautiful bill hurt women Is there an aspect that I'm not remembering? Yeah, I guess it hurts everybody. I think it like bans a lot of transgender care and stuff. Oh, okay.

I think there's a lot of that stuff snuck in there. Right. It is a big beautiful bill. There's a lot big. Yeah. Let's see. Well, let's amp up the protests then. How can we actually make a change here?

Oh, say, can you see? That the president sucks. And his bill is so bad that democracy is crumbling. Yes. We must all registerate for the voting next May. For the president who will make a mayor. Amazing changes. And come on us right there.

She should do it again. This is Tony Seprano, of course, singing this. She is strong and she votes. And she loves to wear suits. And her daughter is hot. And she, uh, and her husband is gay. And her husband is white, which makes her more appealing. Can I get one about Melania?

Melania, lasagna. Okay. Was that a parody of? Malania, lasagna, oh, Britannia. Okay. Malania. Oh. Oh,

Oh, A-Balani. How about Carma chameleon. Malana na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-a. That's good. His bill is bad. Malana-na-na-na-na-na-na-n-a-na-na-na------a-na-na----a. .

Oh. Or Malamia, Trump. Oh, I forgot her last name ability out there. He literally forgot her last name was Trump. Hey, so did she. Oh. Come on. Yeah, come on.

She's fucking, she's fucking all the fucking black social, uh, like, secret service guys, right? Right? So, dittling. Yeah. Right? She's fucking all the blacks. She's taking much of the barn. Yeah.

she probably is fucking someone in the secret service i think she's probably just taking pills yeah that's what i was not at the white house much yeah well where is she she's a black ass millennia he's on black draw this week malan malan malania malaynia malamia male and lame and i'm throwing insults at Well, we could put some different stuff spins on that. That's savage. Oh, how about this? You could find me in the Trump. Oh.

We should vote out Donald Trump. You should vote a Donald Trump. Body full of lumps. I need an MRI. but the big bill won't do bumps yeah it works yeah

because so it's about they're taking health care away yes yes and it's kind of a it's getting to the it's going to probably change when the episode comes out

I think we're going to see the poll numbers begin to drop yeah people are going to finally turn their backs on Trump and people are going to finally sort of think something's up here drop birds

they hear that they're going to be like What was I thinking voting for that guy? The beautiful things that I vote. Whoa. Donald Trump. Here, for a man with the hands is orange. The man that goes and he loves his sponge. He talks about his hands.

Their orange is so funny. It eats his sponge. He eats his what? Spong. Sporn. Spong. Spong. He, he's talking about Flan because he.

He's a hypocrite because he hates Mexicans, but he eats Flan. Is Flan Mexican? They have it. I don't know if they make it. I don't if they make it in house. They always got it around. It seems like. He's such a hypocrite.

He's always eating bread, but he hates Mexicans. They have bread. Mexicans have bread. Yeah. They do. I wouldn't deny that. Oh, they got bread all right. They're getting paid.

They're getting paid so much damn money. They're giving them phones. They're doing all this. him. Who's giving him phone? They're giving him candy crash credits. Who?

The federal government. Oh, my God. From Biden before? Biden, big time. Oh, my God. And they're still finding out shit that he did under the radar. He was so far ahead.

He were fucked. Trump's going to try and fix all this. We're fucked. Oh, I knew you were a secret Trumper all along. Truth. Yeah, we just dropped that shit on Trumpasaki. And Hero Vancea.

What else could there be? What other cities could be the firebombing of Trumpio? Trumpio. I like it. Donald Saki actually might work. Donald Saki would have been so much better Donald Trumpy

Yeah We should drop a nuclear bomb And Trumpodonda Yeah Chappodima Chappodisha What's kidding my name Trumpadisha

We have the big beautiful bill And it is for my nails Big beautiful bill My Congressman Congresswoman Trumpidisha.

A big beautiful bill. It is for 20 plates of lobster. Each one of which was posted on Snapchat with the flash on. And we will be walking out of the bill. I love those videos. I see a TikTok of like

the cops going up to some family in the parking lot who just walked out on like a $400 bill. It's such a funny thing to do. I get it. Yeah. Fuck restaurants. Fuck small businesses.

Fuck small businesses, dude. Dude, fuck that shit. Um, yeah. Congress has convened with another FaceTime call to try and get this bill together for the, for the Big Beautiful.

Is this a song? Oh, FaceTime? Like the, on my phone? I'm saying if it was, if it was that kind, a big beautiful bill. They would convene. on FaceTime probably yeah or Facebook live and there's a picture of on Snapchat

with Flash of the big beautiful bill yeah yeah we get you know we once we put our heads together we can actually do a lot more to defeat Trump than people think despite our probably different races I we're a lot of people watching this won't know this we haven't talked about it yet but you and me are in discussions with Trevor Noah to do sort of like he left the daily show but he kind of wants back into that space he thinks he realizes he shouldn't let John Stewart mail ass back in there so yeah so he hired us to be his head writer

yeah and um we don't have a name yet but it's going to be the sort of the Trevor Noah's take on politics of the day and um maybe Trevor knows it we can pitch that to him Trevor knows it

or Trevor like Trevers because he's traveling a lot so Trevor knows it or traverse Noah or Noah's arc we have two of every opinion on the show

does that mean different opinions or just two of the same opinion two guys who agree with each other that's great ideas I really like that well we were still in early stages I think Noah's arc might be two of every opinion

on every show and then he can have a segment called Traverse Traverse knows it where he goes to Various It goes back to Africa Not in a mean way That's where he wants to be It's where he's from

Are he mad? I want to send Trevor Teno back to Africa Because I'm a producer on his show And I want him to expose all the bad stuff That's happening over there And you know he's not good with money It's better policing him over there It's cheaper

Yeah in fact we're going to send a whole bunch of them a whole bunch of comics over there whole bunch of comics Trevor Noah Roy Wood Jr., Cat Williams Cat Williams would get eaten By He would just get eaten

I don't know I don't know We put in a big pot He would get eaten at the airport Cat Williams eaten by hyena in Lagos airport It's like very much a real city And then Trevor could do something about

I mean we haven't talked about this with him yet But dropping like drop a Lagos Oh It's still a comedy show I mean we're trying to yeah We're trying to bring down drops but Drop a logos But we also still has to be funny

You know drop a Lagos Yeah can you more like can you stop running so damn fast you guys are winning all the marathons Yeah I think that is that them I thought it was maybe Somalia that was fast Yeah I think it's Sudan or something in Somalia Um

I want to you know Something but I'm trying to do Ethiopia I'm trying to get Ethiopian Anthony Or something like that Oh that would be dangerous actually to Ethiopian I don't think we want to get Anthony involved in Ethiopia I think he

True He would have some really cutting things to say Ethiopian Anthony is crazy it's crazy that's yeah it's nice work then again we'll bring this to Trevor he's ultimately going to make all the decisions right that's why we pay him that's why he

pays us the big bucks no no we're we are paying him we are paying him it's a big opportunity for us to get to pay him to write for his show okay mr. Noah Ethiopian Anthony drop a Lagos

can you stop running so much Egypt is actually part of Africa so we could do North Africa Um Egypt it's about getting jipped on the line about scams Sure

Um Sudan I haven't even met him He has done anything to me as far as I know Yeah Uh Yeah Mad at gas and car What did somebody fart

Mad a gas car Met at gas and car I'm mad at gas and car Bad at gasing car. Burkina Faso, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I don't know. I really don't know what Burkina Faso is. I'm wearing a burqa and there's a fucking fuzzle in there

in the ground I got to get up. I'm in a burqa and there's a fossil. I'm quickly exhausting the number of Africa countries. I know the name of. South Africa? South Africa. Yeah, I'd hate to meet North Africa. Yep, I would hate that, too.

South Africa, what do you, what's that? Well, never mind. They got soul food in South Africa. It's the South. Oh, right? Sure. Yeah. South Africa.

See, more like mouth Africa. Because they speak different tongues there. Yes, many different tongues. Oh. They speak amazing tongues in Africa. Um, you can go Zimbabwe. Oh, yeah. Your own way.

Yeah. Yeah. Liberia. Mozambic? What is there, an order for some? You need some Mozambic? It's Mozambique. Mozambique.

Mozambic? I need Mozambic. Bernie Mac Yeah Mm-hmm Rest in peace Maybe He's still alive

I get him and Cedric The Entertainer confused He's dead Cedric the entertainer Is definitely alive Right They both No Bernie's alive

And I'm telling the truth Bernie Mac's Alive and well Cedric Intertainer was killed On September 11 Unrelated to the tragedy He was a plane

It was the Soul Plan. Someone must have said that before the Soul Plan hit one of the towers. That can't be new. That can't be new. Hey, come on. You can't say something like that on this program? This is nationally syndicated. I forgot about that.

Yeah. We're on Sirius. That's awesome. Yeah, with Howard Stearns. Hopefully we can get on. compound gets get syndicated on the compound yeah I want to go on NPR which show fresh air sure with Terry Gross is it the one with the news that's not the one of the news what is fresh air so I don't listen it's like a chat show I listen to seven 70 a.m. Which one's that?

It's a conservative talk radio Where there's just fat guys Eating on the radio all day Complaining Just a racist buck bang This guy eating the entire Yeah well what's gonna happen When they actually start

Doing stuff to Jews here What are we gonna do to protect ourselves Here in Staten Island You really expect me to believe That Zoran is gonna stop With Israel That he's not gonna stop bombing all the bagel shops here

you really expect me to pay an additional two percent taxes every year I'm farting on my desk I'm a good idea probably talk about this a lot of a good idea for a sketch

of just conservative radio host which is constantly farting yeah that's good we're going to have to talk about that later yo yeah so I got to special guest

Pam Fader She's here from She's here to talk about She's here from Jersey to talk about We got a very dangerous Unprecedented Bill About to be released here pretty soon

That Starting to ruffle some feathers So Uh Oh, pardon me. Pardon me. Yeah, I'm happy to talk about the bill. Oh, excuse you.

I know, it's all right. Don't work. I do actually. Everybody listening to this now, this is a preview of probably what's going to become a very real sketch of me and Thomas are going to do. Excuse me. People just need to give Donald Trump a minute to figure out how to implement his ideas. He's still learning on the job.

excuse me they always acknowledge it every time they fuck I'm not saying I'm not saying every single aspect of the ice stuff

is going perfect but it's the if you hear illegally excuse me pardon me if you hear illegally you can't expect that you just be left alone

you broke the law when you came here excuse me well I'd like to push back on that just a little bit Oh, excuse me You know, it says in scripture

It says He who Have no sin Don't worry about it Oh, I'm sorry I need some paper towels Constantly Dabbing your ass with paper towels

Wiping fart shoes Off here They're sitting there without pants up just farting onto a chair in a white oh pardon me sorry

wiping up your forehead and then your ass you know it's never been there's never been a harder time to be an ice agent and they're doing an important oh gosh

they're doing an important job this I mean I'd say like the myokinitis stuff oh pardon me it's like one of the scariest things we'd see oh oh

pardon me you know a football player just died last month it's like we didn't have football players die in five years jude me excuse you five years ago and I wonder what is causing so my

My sincere apologies. I just came. But yeah. Oh, oh, yeah, sorry. I guess what I was saying with Kim Kardashian, she's basically over to me.

She's played out. She's had so many surgeries. She looks whacked out. My kids say she's not even hot anymore. And she's a whacked out lip. You're all right. Don't worry about it. No, I'm sorry.

It's my apology. That one's my bad. I think your star is fading. Kim Kardashian is time to hang up your horse. You, you look horrible. Your whole family is crazy-lived. It's funny to keep doing this bit where it's the same punchline 40 times, but it is very funny to me.

well that'll do it for this episode excuse me please join us next week oh my god we've been doing this for an hour and a half is this one episode I guess give him a bonus episode

yeah to make up for all the parts that weren't good we did a really good yeah it was the last last 30 minutes or so really nice but uh Sam where can people find you on all the platforms

forms just real online boy and I've I said last time I was here I make sincere music I haven't put anything new out in a little while but I am working on some very beautiful new songs is your fly bend down the whole episode fuck yeah nice dude no no need to it's just down I guess try to make it go back up I wouldn't go all the ways um since your music is just online boy on all the platforms nice

well thank you Sam and thank you guys for listening y'all have a good one oh bye love you