Pendejo Time - shartisans

Episode Date: April 1, 2021

Thomas the Tankie Engine. Josip Bros Joegan. Yeah whatever motherfucker just download the fucking thing.Support the Show.

it's like i mean like i'll tell you before the show what noise i'm gonna make and then like i'm about to make it right now i recorded and you start making it before i do and then people listen and they're like oh cool jay came up with a sound yeah thomas is following along. It's like a tennis player in Edison, you know? Mm-hmm.

Well, see, like, because you, like, you, like, you're a sellout, right? Like, you have so many followers. No. Reebok and Nike hit you up literally in the DMs every day.

I'm more of like an indie. I have a... I'm more like of an indie like alternative kind of... Did I tell you I have a sponsorship now? Yeah, from gayguy.com.

No. I'm getting some free sunglasses. Wait, for real? Yeah. That's pretty sick, though. But I'm not going to tell the name of the company on here because you want my time. You got to get my money first yeah this is a free one too so fuck you we don't even have any any I don't know why I'm acting hard we don't have

no brands have reached out at all I have also we have not I'm not gonna look into it I looked right now for about 22 minutes and then when I didn't have the password, and I asked Thomas for it, and I didn't immediately get it, I kind of threw that idea in the trash. Yeah. Which sucks, because I really should... Also, we only have... If you guys are ever trying to hack us, I'm not going to say it on here. We only have, like, maybe three passwords between the two of us on everything. It's not hard on my end.

I don't want to make it seem like thomas i could have tried yeah i should have i should have and could have tried one more password and i just said well i'll i'll text him about it and then he said i don't know and then i was like well i guess we're not gonna reach out sponsors. And that was literally a month ago. So I guess I'm like, well, you know, uh, fine,

whatever. I, uh, so I, I was looking at the all time stats on Buzzsprout and there's been 12 downloads, uh, in Africa.

We've had 12 free episodes, which leads me to believe that there is one guy. Oh, I think we've had four, uh, 13 free episodes. There is one guy oh i think we've had four uh 13 free episodes there's one guy in africa uh somewhere who is like yes like with rss link and everything like the updates the notice are on yeah like he's like i can't wait to listen to this

i was about to say in the middle of a war zone, there are tons of countries in Africa. He could just be like a wealthy South African. Yeah, he could be a guy like in Namibia. He could literally be any type of guy. But because I'm like casually... I don't think Namibia is a country. You're thinking of Namibia. It is a country.

Namibia. No, that's Gambia. Namibia is It is a country. Namibia. No, that's Gambia. Namibia is a country. No, it's not. I've been there. You have? What's it like? It's one of the most Namibian experiences you can have.

This is coming from somewhere before. Coming there was kind of a Nambia hater. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, do you not like our education? We know it's easy to be like a Nambia hater kind of guy. Yeah. There's a lot of those around here.

I'd like to complain about something if you don't mind. Mm-hmm. I'd like to complain about something if you don't mind. Mm-hmm. My toes are starting to very rapidly, like, twist. You getting, like, hammer toe? Maybe. Is that where, like, you put them together and they, like, point out?

No, hammer toe is when it, like, it's the bone grows, like, it starts to grow on top of one and twist in. It's, like, from wearing shoes that are too fucked up. Or, like, genetics. Like, if you have, like, if your pinky toe starts growing on top of your, like, what would be your ring finger toe and, like, twists in. And, like, it's not like a, like, a goof. your ring finger toe, and, like, twists in. And, like, it's not like a goof. Like, it's growing that way. It hurts to put it in the right place. That's called hammer toe. I don't know what the fuck you got going on.

No, it's just, uh, I think it's just arthritis, but it's like the big toes are, like, pointed like, I guess, out. Towards the second toe or out? Towards the second toes are like pointed like I guess out. Towards the second toe or out? Towards the second

toe. Gnarly. Oh, towards the second, like it's inward towards the second toe. Yeah. Like whenever I put them together, they make a big V. And this has happened happened not even this is something I've noticed over the course of like

the last few weeks I think so because I've had this huge blister on my on one of my toes which I thought was just going to go away but then it became like a part of my toe. It's like a giant callus.

It's my whole toe. Let's have that on my heel. So I have like no arch in my foot, and I wear a size 13. So the mat at my gym is like your run-of-the-mill martial arts mat. It's like this thick rubber rubber and then it's covered in this like a vinyl or like leather type. I don't know. So my whole bottom of my feet from like

just like running and jogging and shooting and like fighting or whatever is just one big callus. Yeah. That connected to the fact that I break glass routinely in my own bedroom and I don't clean it up

so I'll just be walking around and I'll be like huh that hurt a little and then I'll look in and there's like a fucking piece of glass on my foot

but because of the protective layer of dead skin I don't fuck myself up welcome to Pandejo time everybody I'm sending you a picture of my feet.

Oh, hell yeah. They don't look that bad. My phone's charging. It was dying. So I won't get it until we end this, because I'm not going to get up and look at my phone. Okay. Well, then I'll zoom in and I'll show it on the... They're not real bad from that angle.

Yeah, the way you're describing it, it seemed like you were a freak. It just seems like a set of toes. They're not real bad from that angle. Yeah, the way you're describing it, it seemed like you were a freak. It just seems like a set of toes. Let me take a better picture where they look worse. So that you maybe... You don't twist them around more. Thomas is showing me feet pics. I don't know how I feel about it. If you want feet pics, you can just ask Thomas for them.

I'm pretty sure he would send it to you. Let's see. Let's get this. Anyway. I think it's just from a... Because I've got flat feet, too. Maybe... Yeah, it's not a competition.

Maybe yours are worse. No, we're not in the business. But, yeah. anytime i'm like just wearing like walking more than like five miles a day or whatever for a long time it gets to me uh you just said it's not a competition or go ahead and finish sorry no you first it's not a competition a a twitter user who I am friends with and we'll go unnamed we were talking in a group chat

and he was like I was like yeah man I like to watch like combat sports and he was like oh yeah well I have K1 and Glory kickboxing queued up so checkmate dude and i thought he was joking and he was like yeah i watch it more than you and i was like what are you serious he was like uh yeah dude because i'm really into this and i like i had to let the conversation play out because I thought he was joking.

Because he jokes. He's a joking guy. But it became increasingly clear that he was not. And then he was like, all right, well, I'll see y'all. I got to go be a professional. I don't know what the... Dude, it was one of the most, like I would have rather a, like two,

like two follower following 988 guy, like send me goat seed and have an interaction with a guy I interact with daily that he was like, yeah, man, sorry. I just like really liked the sport more than you. So like that kind of sucks for you.

Checkmate. And I was like, what? I was like, yeah, I like it too. it too and he was like no not as much as me it's not the same and like i really wanted him to be fucking with me and i don't know why i'm sharing this with you because i think you probably know what i'm talking about on the video immediately there's only one one man I've ever encountered that's just like

I was like dude what are you I was like alright man like lol I was like it's not a competition it's not but I guess I guess I just got and that's okay.

I don't, it's not, I'm not, it's fine. But it's just, I was just like, what? Like, I didn't know what to do or say. I have never been, like, as an adult man, been like, actually, it's like when you're on the kindergarten like you're like yeah i like pokemon and another you're like a second grade another second grader's like no you don't and you're like i like it a lot and he's like do you have red and blue and you're like yeah he's like how much do you play it and you're like i guess when i get home and he's like i'm gonna go play it right now behind the slides so fuck you i was like i was like do we pay taxes like like i have like like i've been

i've been arrested i don't understand like what we're doing but it was like it was also there was way more to the conversation it was like way more i don't really care to get into it that was just the most like crystal like the like the concentrated thick syrup nugget of like it was a big group d there are people watching it's not just me and him talking there's a whole group dm and they're like you know they're like laugh i'm like all right man like you goddamn you probably like you probably really like the sport i don't even i think i might quit i know i've been doing it for like 13 years, but I think I might have to stop.

Because I don't know. You know. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think of anyone this could be. I can't imagine. Hmm. I just, there's no way. There's no way for me to, I guess you just can't break that confidentiality. I guess it's, yeah, no, I mean, I don't even know if he actually listens, because he was like, yeah, when you guys have me on, it's going to derail everything. It's going to be great. And I was like yeah when you guys have me on it's gonna like derail everything it's gonna be great and i was like what i guess so yeah i'm gonna confess to something terrible

well i i think it was implying that it would like go off the rails like in terms of like popularity and i was like i was like dude prospector got on and we only you know like it anyway i shouldn't even have responded to that but anyway i wanted to bring that up partially because it was like the like i said the first time in my life that i've had like a seven-year-old's converse like a conversation you'd have when you're in second grade but almost 30 years old like uh yeah i like hot wheels a lot no you don't like it's just very like i like i just to have my own interest denied because i wasn't in that moment watching sports although to be fair that's like any gun guy almost i don't know if you've noticed that community like if you have

an ar-15 it's yeah i mean it's whatever but like i would be so afraid to be part of that like community or whatever just because whatever build you've got or whatever or lack thereof if you've got just something yeah stock or whatever which i really don't know all too much about that stuff i i have a couple of like dms where people talk about that stuff a lot and i i know people in real life who were like that and i'm like uh my gammon i'm just looking at this like ak and they're like what are you gonna do what kind of furniture you're gonna put on it i'm like i have a yeah yeah nice collision to cough dude that's fine it's like uh uh okay i was just gonna hang it on my mantle but yeah well i was just gonna take it to the outdoor range and dump it into a pile of dirt

when i thought about killing myself. But that's literally it. I don't know. It's like any hobby, I think, where some people are like, this is all I have. I literally... But the person in question has a lot of stuff, so I don't think this analysis applies. But... This is our first ever beverage crossover episode.

Because I am drinking a Gatorade that I started on my crusades to sit down last night. You're drinking a night-old Gatorade? Dude, I'll drink it.

The shelf life of an open Gatorade is roughly eight days. Seven. I had one that was two weeks old one time and I could like see new colors almost. It was bad. They ever tell you the time

I... Go ahead. It ferments. It ever tell you the time I... Go ahead. It ferments. It's like a... It's like a prison hooch. Yeah. Not really. I... Maybe. Maybe.

I asked my dad about that once and I was like, do people really make that? He was like, yeah, it don't taste too good, though. But, I mean, like, you can drink it. And I was like, I didn't ask if it tasted good. I just thought it was, like, from the movies. And he was like, oh, no, I make that shit all the time. And I was like, do they, like, clean the toilet out?

And he was like, hell no. Wait, what? And I was like, do they clean, like, the poop and pee out, the stains, before they, like, put in the orange juice or whatever? And he was like, nah, man, I think they just like kind of like it in there. That's like what? He was like, yeah, I mean, you know, you don't got time or cleaning supplies. You just take a shit and then you put your hooch in the tank.

You don't put it in the toilet. And I was like, oh, OK, I thought you made it like in the toilet. Anyway, the purpose of this little caveat side story was he thought he was like what are you stupid i was like you're the one who's been to jail for like long periods of time he was like what are you dumb you don't put it in the toilet you toilet bowl i mean you can't you're supposed to put in a tank if you got one and i was like yeah sorry i don't know, like, how to make good toilet hooch, you know. Yeah.

I was going to say I... We both did the prison for long periods of time, you know. Yeah, well, so, like, Thomas was telling me before this that he was going to go to jail for child trafficking but he snitched yeah I do a lot of that I'm deep I'm so deep undercover

even like the FBI doesn't know where I came from you know I deleted my own files in the database you're like a rogue operative is that what you're saying yeah see i had a library card and they took it away but i've decided there's no way to track me now that's sick, uh, I drank, so I have this bad habit of, like, when I get, kind of, like, in a bad, like, my brain gets fucking stupid on me, I don't, like, clean my

room at all, I just leave, like, beer cans around and shit, it gets pretty fucking fucked up, anyway, I was drinking a beer the other day, and set it down and I was actually trying to clean my room. And I was starting with the clothes first and like putting them in dirty clothes pile. Anyway, I pick up a beer and I take a big swig of it. And these cans sit there for sometimes like weeks on end, man. It gets pretty bad. I got a mouthful of like slime mold. And like black mold.

And I projectile vomited all over my back. And I told myself I would never ever do it again. But I'm sitting here staring at four empty beer cans, six Red Bull cans, two empty Topo Chico's. And like several, bangs. Like, on my work desk. Uh, because I just suck dick at cleaning. And I'm a piece of shit.

But yeah, I have shelves now, so those are nice to keep water bottles on. I have these nice shelves above my desk that I have about 17 empty water bottles on that I will

I always get rid of them I'm neat enough to where I do that I don't have like pizza no I don't have it's never food it's just cans and bottles yeah I don't do food food's gross I'm just hydrated and Like, I don't do food. Food's gross. Yeah.

I'm just... I can't do food. I'm hydrated, and I also... I don't like... It's happening again. With the... Oh, man. I can't...

You're evolving, dude. You look more like Lemmy from Motorhead every day, so one day you're gonna fuckin'... I'm gonna be like, hey guys,

welcome to Potato Home. You're gonna be like, Ace of Spades! I'm going to be trying to get you to like... This is going to sound like... Like... This is bad. I can't... It's not clearing up, so I'm just going to have to roll with it.

But yeah, I forgot what I was saying. This is rough. This is a rough sounding this is not what you want but um here we are people people respond positively to the fact that my life is annoying and it sucks and my voice sucks and you sound like you have this you've had the spanish flu since it started so like a hundred and some odd year like i've had people that complain about the audio complain specifically about this has only been like three i don't want to make it seem like a pandemic of people it's been like three two people i don't know they're like it's not so much that the audio is bad is that your voice is annoying, and then Thomas talks like a Stephen King anti-hero. Like, boomhauer with fucking COPD or something, you know?

Yeah, that'll do it. The thing is, I don't even, like, I i mean obviously it's my voice but like uh you're not even like a lifelong smoker plus you're like younger so it's like i i just think it's like your natural voice i imagine well like that and then also i'm always in a lower like tone or whatever yeah this is sort of a hushed voice for me. Yeah. I don't have a... I mean, I have a raspy voice, but it's not like... To me, this is worse

somehow. Because you subdue it, because of where you're at. You have to subdue the voice. And also, this is me focusing on not talking talking it. Like, I don't know. We always do these at the end of the day.

Yeah. No, I see what you're saying. Like, whenever, any time past, like, 6 p.m., I just get, like, lazier with it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know you don't drink in the morning. Go ahead. In the morning.

I, I sound like Michael McDonald. So morning, Michael McDonald, evening, let me for motorhead. Yeah. That rocks.

I was going to ask you, so I know you don't drink, but do you like, I mean, I know you don't drink but do you like uh i mean i guess i don't i don't know what the fuck there is to do out there in pastry but like not a whole lot but i was gonna say so everybody knows now like thomas is coming to coming to the old uh halfway between austin and san San Antonio, a little small town. The old halfway house.

But Texas. And I was like, man, maybe we should do our thing, record some shit, and then hit the square. But I don't know how you are about going out. Have you ever, like, do you, like, go, you know, you're 21 i'm 50 so it'd be maybe it'd be a little weird but um i was like yeah i know it's contagious i was like fuck it we can go paint the town blue or whatever the fuck uh you can drink fucking tap water and watch me get arrested or something yeah i mean uh we'll see or whatever um yeah as long as it's not something where i have to because my english still isn't very good

you know yeah what language what's your first language um it's cantonese? It's Palkoway. Palkoway. That's the language spoken by... It's just me. Oh, okay. Yeah, I made it up and I decided not to tell anyone else how to do it. That's usually what schizophrenic children do. Yeah, well... That's what they do. Yeah.

It's a good thing they've never met me the king the king of oh oh yeah what if you let's hear it I'm imagining like

most imagine if you're one of those sperm donors from like the 70s or whatever back when they just let you

dump as many as you wanted in there you know mhm you had like 10,000 schizophrenic kids you didn't know about

but they all knew about each other like telepathically or just like they're from the same neighborhood or something well at least they thought they knew about each other yeah are you yeah that'd be uh whatever i i had gotten into a fight with an ex one time because

there was a clinic in austin that paying you $100 per load to donate. Just me? No, just any guy. I know people would pay way more than that for me. More than, they would pay you more than $100 a load. Yeah. You could, thinking about like a girl you got paying your bills and you're like, hell, that's like $1,200 a load. Yeah. You could... I'm thinking about a girl you got paying your bills and you're like, hell, that's like $1,200 a month.

I mean, she lets me do it. No, it wouldn't be... By no means would it be a woman. I'm just saying I could figure something out. It would just be Palmer doing it as a joke. Palmer or John?

Yeah. I'm saying this was a legitimate lab that did artificial insemination. And they paid you and you could donate like two times a week I think was the Craigslist thing.

Anyway. Was it the one you were telling me where you tried to donate but they said try not to drink at all and you just kept messing up? No, maybe i did talk to you about it before we actually oh wait were you joking yeah i have no idea i was saying you were drinking no it was it was it was oh i thought you meant alcohol sorry man we're both barely alive, especially me and Tom is both. We're fucked. No, they were like, I got excited and I was like, look, babe.

I can jack off twice a week and make 200 bucks a week. And it would be like, that's like a good part time job. I just jack off. She's like, yeah, but somebody's kid could be yours. And I was like, I don't ever meet the motherfucker he's just walking around i don't gotta know him i can sign the paperwork yeah and i was willfully and blissfully unaware of like how stringent their criteria are for donors like i was assuming when i first read it and then i had this conversation i was like yeah they will accept me right first read it and then i had this conversation i was

like yeah they will accept me right off the bat and then you fill out this little questionnaire online and it's like you could just lie which i did it's like any history of addiction no any history of mental illness no any history of family mental illness or addiction no any history of cancer no you just lie and then they send you another one in your email it's way more in depth and uh it was like asking you questions like like asking me questions like three or four generations back and i realized if i lie about this and they believe it and they like don't ask for medical records or whatever and i go and bust off into a dixie cup and somebody's kid comes out even three percent like me somebody's gonna be knocking on my fucking door dude like like somebody is gonna

be like booting my shit in like stat yeah they give your kid to like Gwyneth Paltrow or something yeah like an A-lister who like aged like she took her career too seriously and then it just went sideways and and then you know it's like wow you're accidentally Uma Thurman's baby daddy oh my god

no like that'd be my that's my dream you get a knock on the door. You're like 45. You're like, who is it? I'm crocheting. Whatever hobby you have at the time to keep your mind busy. You open the door and it's like a 65-year-old Uma Thurman with a 17-year-old snot-nosed kid with long hair.

It's like a 6'4". She's like, my son the other day said Cluebo and bink bink and I got to thinking come right in my son the other day just out of the blue I don't know why I made

Uma Thurman's voice like a Kentucky waitress at Denny's my son the other day he out of nowhere said, Pendejo, El, Puto, Bebo, G. And so I got to looking into who my donor was, and it was you. So I wanted to see it. It said on here you were a doctor. You had a doctorate in physics from Harvard.

So I just wanted to clear that up. You're like living out of a Toyota Tacoma with like a camper in the back. You want to get a tattoo this weekend? Uh, yeah, I'm down. Um, it's gotta be something stupid and cheap though, cause I kinda fucked my money

up a little bit with, uh... I was thinking we could just both get like my name. No. No. up a little bit with i was thinking we could just both get like my name no like well because like i'm first of all my name that you can also get like my name that would be like matching yeah i thought i mean we talked about having one of the Patreon levels like you know a tattoo like a stupid little one I mean I don't know there's a bunch of them in San Marcos

I just doxed myself people know exactly what I do for a living on what I look like and where I'm at doesn't fucking matter anymore yeah people are gonna track you down by finding out you live in Texas only like 28 other million people track you down by finding out you live in Texas. Only like 28 other million people. One of the guys in the

department, I realized, I saw a like on one of my notifications. It was somebody in the department of where I work. And I was like, uh-oh, this can't be good. And then he turned out to be way more I guess

offensively stupid than i am so i like didn't care i was like yeah this guy ain't saying nothing i'm not gonna get like a phone call or whatever yeah i uh one of my eyes was closed the the other wasn't. That's always a nice surprise. Come on, man. What you doing? I watched Kong vs. Godzilla. Really?

Yeah, it was pretty cool, man. Yeah. Did they have the was Jack Black in that one again no it was he was in the first one yeah Skull Island

or whatever yeah that was the first one they made or the one from like 1905 or something yeah ladies and gentlemen who was the director on the what from like 1905 or something. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a... Who was the director on the... What? Who was the director on the Jack Black one? Paul Thomas Anderson, I think. The guy that did

The Wrestler and Black Swan. I think he did like a foray into like action stuff. Sounds about right. I tried to think of the Nazi director for a minute and I don't remember the name of the boy. You should let Cameron

make a Godzilla movie. I'd like that. Cameron from POW? Yeah. I just think he'd do a good job. I yeah I just think you do a good job alright it's really funny and I like it but it's also like

him and Tom do these catchphrase things Tom on here and like it makes me really uncomfortable it's very funny he is dude he is so that was a thing he was doing three years ago where he would link like ufc ko's from the night before or like football highlights and he'd be like did you check this and he'd post it and then right before the big moment happened it would be an adult man in a diaper and he'd be like i did a stinky i'm a little stinky boy and he would like fart and

like slap his ass and he would be like in a wood panel trailer like it was clearly like a like a porn clip before something really dark happened but like i fell for it dude so many times so many times like i wouldn't have seen the UFC fight the night before. And he'd be like, dude, Anderson Silva absolutely KOs this guy. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Somebody posted it. Oh, it's Tom. I didn't know he was a fan.

And then right before the punch connects, it's like, oh, boo. Oh, boo. The guy in the diaper. And he's like, oh, my daddy. Oh, my daddy. I'm like, Jesus. And then that happened like 55 more times. My roommate made fun of me all the time.

He was like, dude, how do you keep getting got by Tom? And I'm like, I don't fucking know. I'm tired of it though. I keep falling for it. One of my favorite things he does is he'll just post a picture of him like fake crying. At like 2 p.m and he'll have something like facebook filter over it and he's just got it's just got the worst face he's making you can imagine the josh the josh gad thing is really

funny to me because he's got a pretty sizable following you know and i'm like do you think like i sometimes wonder like when like bigger accounts or whatever like do stuff like that like do you think that people see it like the time like like nick was like i hope john legend kills himself and then chrissy teigen replied and he was like i just want to see if you read my tweets or whatever like do you think Josh Gad there's no way that guy's like he seems to be like a normal like Hollywood

B-lister guy C-lister do you think he sees this absolutely insane like unhinged guy be like it's March Gadness baby like posting a picture of him like every fucking week well does josh gad do his own like social media stuff i assume that like anybody who's like not an a

lister or a b lister does their own shit i just assume because like yeah i i know that like like russell crowe does his own and he's like the exception and i know he does his own because he posts like my dad posts it's a lot of like ellipses and he's like the exception and i know he does his own because he posts like my dad posts it's a lot of like ellipses and he's like having a cold one cool chris morning cheers mate and it's like 11 in the morning it's like a picture of a blurry miller light like he posts like my like an old boomer dad would post but other than that i think like if you're like not like imagine your pr team handles it or something yeah Yeah. I don't fucking know. I mean, you have a PR team, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's for Pussy Rescue. For what? Don't worry about it. Did you say Pussy Rescue? Yeah. I don't know what that means. Sounds kind of bad yeah

I don't know anything about that it was just two words the letters made sense yeah I mean you know hindsight's double double yeah hindsight's hindsight's you know like coming around it's, you know, like coming around.

It's just, you know, like the world just, whatever. Yeah. Hey, not using hindsight anymore. I will have seen enough. Dude, how many? Oh, man. How many? What numbers numbers that was like a million like a million likes or something or like um just000. But it's had, like, probably, like, 30 million, I'd say.

Like, sort of across. Interactions or whatever. No, no, across platforms, like. Oh, yeah. Because BuzzFeed and a bunch of different. It's gone viral, like, not even exaggerating like probably over a hundred times yeah no i've seen it like i would see it on facebook yeah they would have they would have cropped your your shit out but it was like yeah it doesn't matter like my mom's friends posted

you know no like my whole family saw that but it it was whatever. I remember I saw like somebody I went to high school with, like a multi-level marketing pyramid scheme type seven babies before 22, bitch, had shared it on Facebook. And I was like, dude, me and this guy talk routinely about like how we're going to kill each other. Yeah. uh like like how we're gonna kill each other like yeah like like we we get very very close to saying stuff that would like probably make us like never have a job yeah because i say about how much i love playing video games that's a big no-no it's a big freaking no-no nowadays. I say work is a bunch of crap. Work is...

Honestly, I think... Work is poo-poo and doo-doo, dude. I think that I'm becoming more communist every day because I just hate work so much. Honestly, you've been getting so left-wing recently. I know, dude. Thank you. Thank you because sometimes I think I'm getting super right-wing. Sometimes I think I'm getting super right-wing. I'm like, man, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, man, dude think I'm getting super right. Sometimes I think I'm getting super right wing.

Yeah. I'm like, man, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, man, dude, I'm like super communist lately. I've been getting really alt-right recently. Yeah, well, I think you're just becoming like a dark kind of character. Yeah, I'm a real villain. Yeah, like you, like, what's the hair? Like, it's the blood, like, you kind of look like, you know, Danzig, but like, you know, like cool, like a, like a Texas Danzig, but you're like a right wing guy. The Texas Danzig is just, just a guy who works at a bar. It's just a guy who works night shift at a plant.

Yeah. He just, he works graveyard at like a at a plant. Yeah. He works graveyard at like a shell refinery. Yeah. Tell your children not to change my oil. There's nothing. Do you change your own oil? I have no need for it as I always have $40.

Nice. I have changed the oil no need for it as I always have $40. Nice. I have changed the oil on trucks before but I've not done it on like forklifts and cranes. But like I don't care at all to do it on my

car. Partially because the mind you I've only done it like three times or whatever but yeah it's been on stuff like like wood shippers where they're they're i don't have to jack them up or whatever yeah no i or like a big truck where i can just slide under there my car i would have to jack it up and i don't want to i've done it on like like the big forklifts that move like like two tons like like like not shop forklifts but you know what i'm talking about like big

yeah like yard lift and i've done it on cranes and i've done it on uh like generators and like i can do it on my car i just like don't want to get my jack out and so like if i have the money like i have changed my own oil before but if i'm like not hurting even if i'm hurting for money like i've been kind of broke but i'm like god damn it people like oh pussy pay like viral posts it's like oh your man pays for his oil. That's your girlfriend. No, dude, I just got guap. I'm sorry your boyfriend does not have guap like that. Yeah, it takes him like 10 minutes and then you can leave.

Yeah. And you have a sticker that tells you when to do it next. Yeah, you don't. Exactly. I mean, like, it's. Come on, man. Like, if I do it in my house, it's going to take me 30 minutes because I've got to set everything up.

Yeah. You know, you've got to know what your time is worth. Yeah, my time is, dude, my time is money. I'm making money

while I'm getting my all changed. I'm in the car, I'm on my phone, I'm making deals. Yeah, I'm on Forex. I'm making fucking money. I'm giving out ransoms

to parents from North Richland Hills, yeah. Be here by 8 p.m. or there will be consequences. I would love to be like a kidnapper. Yeah, I would be one of the good ones. I wouldn't do anything bad to them once I got them. Yeah, no, I'm talking about like a... I would just slap them, throw cold bad to them once i got them yeah no i'm talking about like slap them throw cold water on them and not feed them yeah like like powerful like like kids whose

parents are like oil barons and i'm like i literally just like i'm talking like a like a very elaborate action movie style hype the style heist it It probably costs like $100,000. But I literally would only ask for something like $2,000. It's like, well, I'll pay anything. Name your price. And I'm like, $1,500. And they're like, $1,500 what?

$1,500. Is that it? Yeah, and I'll drop them off at the fucking Five Guys off the freeway. Just like $1,500. You don't want more. I'll pay you more. No.

That seems like a hassle and probably jail time is more or whatever. So $1,500. You bring that and a fucking brown paperback. Dude, that's $1,500 bill. You can just roll it up. I've paid my rent like that. You just roll it up and give it to me. I've seen the movies. Is there a trick?

You don't want $20 million? I want $200 in a suitcase tonight. I want you to give me $80 and fucking dollar golden coins with Susan B. Anthony on them. I don't understand why you're making this so fucking hard.

I want you to give me a treasure chest, $1,500 treasure chest gold dollars. I want to feel like a pirate. I need $1 million in Confederate money by the end of tonight. That would probably be like a hefty fine. I imagine it would be worth more than a million, depending on, I guess, the kind of No.

Confederate money is not worth anything anymore. At least not according to the historical value. Like, the Smithsonian wouldn't pay shit for it. Not at their gift shop. pay shit for it. Not at their gift shop.

Hmm. I, there's an episode of Andy Griffith's show that I'm basing this off of. You know, you seen that one? If it's any consolation, I'm basing my opposite opinion off an episode of Pawn Stars where a guy brought in

a bunch of Confederate currency and walked away with like 50 grand. But it wasn't that much. It was like five bills, but they were like fucked up. Like, I guess Jefferson Davis notes or something. Like, I'm just literally going off of like a trashed interview. Yeah. Yeah.

of like a trash TV show. Yeah. I was going to say something but I just realized that would be bad. I had a thought and then I realized nope. No, no, no, no.

But yeah. You shouldn't use that type of money anymore it's in bad taste even at a pawn shop I know like being being from the south

like there's gotta be a guy at least one or two who has a bunch of confederate money cause he's like a civil war of Confederate money because he's like a Civil War retard. Yeah. And he's like, one day it'll be worth something.

Not just as a collector's item, but I'll be able to walk into 7-Eleven and buy a big dog with it. But it'll be called 9-Eleven. Yeah, it'll be. So we can remember it. It'll be called 9-11. Yeah, it'll be. So we can remember it. It'll be called... Hey,

I'm trying to imagine, like, how much Confederate money would a roller dog from 7-11 cost? I'm not talking about the rare ones. I'm talking about, like, I don't... I want everyone to know I have rare ones. I'm talking about like I want everyone to know I have no idea what I'm talking about. Because like I said, apparently some of this shit's worth a lot.

And a roller dog from 7-Eleven you can buy with five quarters. You can buy them with four if you sweet talk them right. Yeah, if you talk... Hey baby girl, I need this for not... It's like a 500 pound Iranian man. man you're like baby girl i don't

need no lit i just need you baby girl how about me and you work out a little special deal little deal i look bad i know you can't give me the employee discount on cigarettes anymore i understand yeah but i need those 305 still and I need this egg roll for less than 99 cents because I got kids my kids got to eat and little baby needs her egg roll check it out

I will spend $40 on grizzly wintergreen here but I am not going to spend more than 99 cents on an egg roll because my kids have to split the egg roll I put it like this I got four stale parliaments in my back seat Because my kids have to split the egg roll. I put it like this. I got four stale parliaments in my back seat. In a little pack.

And they ain't going to smoke themselves. Yeah. You cut me a deal on this buffalo watermelon flavored taco. Mm-hmm. I'll make it worth your while. I don't understand why you are being so goddamn ornery because I come in here every day and I buy

two tubes two full rolls of Grizzly Wintergreen six bangs and $700 worth of scratch-offs offs and you don't want to give me the chicken buffalo taquito roller for 48 cents which is all i got in the truck and my sticky cup holder in my king range i don't understand you know how much I spent a year on sunglasses last year

over half of one of your weekly paychecks you're trying to give me this attitude just cause I didn't come in with my ID or phone or keys or my wallet the only thing I came here with is a Glock 40 and you're mad

I pull a Glock 40 out and you're mad. I pull a Glock 40 out, and you're mad. Because I heard the bullets jingling around. I thought it was a bunch of nickels. I'm pilled out right now. I'm sorry. I'm the bad guy for noise association. How about you go arrest Pavlov yeah with his

thirsty dog you know who Pavlov is lady you know who Pavlov is do you not do do you I'm dead well that's the end of that yeah I'm dead. Well, that's the end of that.

Yeah. You guys, that was one of the ages. That was crazy. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I almost passed out doing that because it was really easy for me to do and I got really tired. And now I'm awake because I had a little nap.

Yeah, I'll tell you one thing. I've been awake this whole time. No, you haven't. I have. You've seen me on the camera. You. Do you have a blanket I can use? When you come over? Or like in general? It was just a question.

Yeah, I got like three blankets and a bunch of pillows. Oh, great, Mr. Three Blankets over here. You know, guys will literally go online and they'll say, Oh, I'm a communist. I'm a socialist. I'm a leftist. And then you go to their house and they have enough blankets for a dang army. Yeah, I mean, you kind of caught me because, like, I think, like, I'm not really like a, like a communist.

I think I'm like a... Oh, great. So you're not even, if you're not a communist, well, you have a fun weekend by yourself. Yeah. And also relatives probably yeah people love you but not me there

yeah I'm an I'm an ancom now yeah no I get that I mean you seem like an ancom guy at work a lot of people will come up to me and they'll say dude you look like a huge trotskist i'm like i know i give off those vibes yeah yeah i worry that

i i worry that my like my leninist nature gets the best of me sometimes you know yeah do you know what that means because i do i do yeah no 100 like i think like when you read lennon dude like because so many people will be like you need to read lennon so like when i read it and i realized like wow like i'm probably like i'm probably like really smart like i'm probably smarter than like 99 people on planet and so like it's really hard to like walk around and like have a job and like do anything because yeah so much linen and linen is like he's like really smart and he knew so much and he was he was really a mind something he was something to behold yeah for sure like when you when you think about what he said he said uh you know there are moments when like there are things that

happen and you're like wow like what like how like what were you thinking because like you know the october revolution happened in like 1994 and so like that type of thinking like just 26 27 there was like there were like things where it wasn't even and then they're there yeah exactly and so like i'm thinking about like how do you even like come up – like where's your mind at? Because like my mind is like – well, because I was a Republican for so long. And I was like my mind was on like sheetrock and like overtime and per diem and like rolling coal. And then I read Lenn linen and i realized i love fucking traeger grills and i love wi-fi and i love soylent and i love fucking hot tubs and i love like moisturizing my skin and and now that i'm like a marxist linenist malice like i'm

you know to the uninitiated like a tanky, ooh, that really hurts my feelings. Like I just don't think I like get along with people because I'm so smart. Like it really – it doesn't – like it makes for a really hard and lonely life. It's not because I'm an insufferable retard who like alienates everyone around me. It's just because I have like a 500 iq yeah michael fuku taught me how to love myself yeah no dude i love michael fuku because michael fuku said he said do you want me to yeah you dude you take it away because you said the best you do it the best he said every day there's something new and and you look up, and there's the crew.

And I remember back when I was a kid, I grew up with Joseph Stalin, and you may have read some of his later works, such as

Russia and the Soviet Union. Russia, Animorphs. He was a really prolific writer. And the Soviet Union. He wrote those. And I remember one time he told me, he said, Hitler, he said, and he wasn't addressing me. That's not what he called me.

He called me something else. He said, Hitler is a real bad guy, Thomas. Yeah. And we're going to beat him by showing mid-20s single women how to keep succulents alive. Exactly. And I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. Yeah. There was this, so like, I mean, you know, people can say what they want about Trotsky, but he had this really like, what I thought was like, really insightful and profound, at least for the time, like 2013 when he wrote it.

Yeah. Was when he said, you know, Earls with Matilda bangs deserve to be treated with respect. And I thought, you know, wow. be treated with respect and i thought you know wow because like before he said that i thought they deserved to be executed by firing squad yeah but i mean you know like i i didn't know like look i'm willing to admit ideologically i'm flawed like i'm with like a lot of people aren't willing to admit that they don't that they they were stupid but i'm smart now. You know? Like, I'm probably, like, I don't know, man. Like, if I walk into a room, dude, if I walk into, like, a Love's truck stop

in between Austin and Houston, I'm probably, like, the fifth smartest guy there. Yeah. And it's like, it's not a brag. It's like, I just read lots of Lennon and Stalin and Trotsky. Yeah. You know, I'm so, man, I'm getting so left-wing. I'll walk

into a store and everyone just gets nervous. Yeah, yeah. No, I did. I know. They'll say, oh my gosh, your energy is so... It's so different. Yeah. There's something deeply alarming about it.

Yeah. There is something deeply alarming about it. Yeah. There is something so wrong with you. Yeah. Well, you know, like, they perceive it as wrong, right? Like, they perceive it as wrong, but it's just because they don't read Lennon. And, like, if you, like, you know, like, if they read Lennon, they would get, like, you know, yeah, it's fine that you stink like a sack of, like, dark shit. And, like, it's fine that you stink like a sack of dog shit. And it's fine that you don't shower. It's fine that you don't brush your teeth and everyone hates you and you're not allowed at Thanksgiving.

It's like, hey, you know what else? I forgot to shave sometimes. A little guy named Karl Marx. You're right. Oh, I love that. He forgot to shave all the time. And he also. Yeah.

I think nowadays he'd have an OnlyFans. Yeah, no, 100%. A lot of people don't understand. You can look him up. The hallmarks. Oil in that. That lightning rod up, you know. Yeah, he'd be, dude, he'd be greasing it up with fucking olive oil straight from Greece. Because you know he was traveled and learned it.

And he'd be, he'd be fucking working that thing up like a fucking goddamn hydraulic jack. You know, just fucking cranking on it, just getting it up and up and up. And you're like, wow, is Carl really doing that? Yeah, it would be like whenever they first started drilling oil out in Texas. Yeah, spindle top, dude. You're like, wow. I mean, he just, you you know take edge into a whole new level yeah he blows it off dude it's like fucking yeah you know nagasaki man

beautiful yeah so anyway you know a lot of uh a lot of people don't need a lot of people need to read more than that. Yeah. What's the biggest... Where would you say the most ever? Probably the South China Sea. Because, like, everywhere else just doesn't have as much.

Yeah. But the South China Sea, like, has the most, like, easy... Like, a lot of people say the Indian Ocean. Yeah. It's almost every. Yeah. And you get your pundits and your journalists who are like,

it's not every. It's maybe half. And you're like, okay, dude. Like, fine. We're splitting hairs. But we're talking about most here. We're talking about the South China Sea. Like, we're talking about, like we're talking about the south china sea like we're talking about like the future of it yeah it's like okay so you break that in half and what do you

have yeah maybe what a third yeah exactly exactly i mean we're talking about people who don't read like we're talking about people who like don't read they don't read works you know like it's I can always tell when I go to Starbucks oops you know call me

capitalist but I go there and one of the cashiers hasn't read any theory

yeah yeah based on how loud they talk you know but um yeah no um listen dude i mean look like these things happen all the time like you know like like for me like when i go to build a bear once a week uh to get a new bear like i asked the

cashier i'm like uh have you read State and Revolution by Lennon? And they're like, I'm going to call the cops. Because you come in here like four times a month and we're kind of sick of it. You knocked out the security guard last week, so we had

to get more. I don't know how you got past them, honestly. I'm like, look, this sounds like a categorical like common response of somebody who like doesn't read lennon and they're like i don't understand what your problem is um i don't even know who that is i'm like exactly dude exactly you understand you'd understand if you read Lennon why I'm allowed to jack off at Build-A-Bear. Yeah. I think one of the reasons why I can never go back is I know whenever they lie to me about what they're putting into those beautiful bears, you know? Yeah. So they say that it's a recording of your voice, but you

know what it is? It's the recording of the voice of the working class. Yeah. It's a recording of their cries. You know, I would say Bill the Bear is in a lot of ways what late stage capitalism is to me. Yeah, no, exactly. I mean, it is like, you don't, you, what are you, you're creating a slave.

You're creating a little slave to keep in your house. That's so petty bourgeoisie. It is so petty bourgeoisie. And you can't even make them that tall. No, you make them the size of a small Pomeranian. Yeah, so they can't fight back. So they can't use workers' power to fight back. Dude, I'm sick of it.

Hey, do you want to smoke some crack when you come up? Yeah, I've been meaning to get back into it for the first time. It's been a little while, but I think I want to smoke some crack. I think what I'm going to end up doing this whole weekend is probably just chain smoking cigarettes.

Which I don't even do really, but I think I'll just get bored and get back into it. This could be my weekend. You know, this could be where it all starts. It could be. Well, folks, if you enjoyed this episode, this is a freebie.

Which you probably didn't. You probably did not. You probably hated it. Yeah. Probably thought it sucked a lot. Don't remember one thing we said. No, not at all. In fact, I don't even know what I'm going to name the episode because I don't really even.

How about. Can you name it a whole song? You probably can't. No, I think the character one, but I don't know. I'm that doctor with that stinky. And he go nice with that minky. There you go, right? And I know where it's kinky.

When I pull up with the rinky. And I know where my minky. And I show up with my stinky oh Cuban linky linky we gon' linky and I know

I keep that glinky you think I meant blinky but I fuck with that. Glinky. And I know that I went way home. I have so much squinky. Get a rage when I drinky.

You don't know what I be. Thank you. Gatorade's what I drinky. You don't know what I be. Thank you. We need to stop. Yeah. This is really bad. Yeah, I don't even know. I hate.

If you listen to this and you didn't immediately turn it off, that means you're a fucking psychopath. And you should go full psychopath mode. You should also. And subscribe to patreon.com slash pandeo tom and check out the premiums alright later oh jesus christ