Pendejo Time - Sheriff Louisanarexia

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

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like lock your doors and you can like do all the cool shit with your phone. I'm not like a tech house guy. I don't know enough about technology to believe that that stuff is good. You know what I mean? It doesn't seem, I don't need that. Thermostat, you know. Yeah. Hell, the only windows I need

is on the inside and outside of my house Exactly the only Apple I need is just the one to keep the doctor away Yeah Yeah, the only fucking app I need is a damn app to get a job. Fucking you know, it's my favorite app, a tizer. Yeah, the only. The only interface I need is fucking common Interface you see yeah, ejaculating

Yeah, ejaculating on just somebody I guess somebody that Ideally respects me you know or maybe I'm kind of only grinder. I needed is a mortar and pestle for my herbs The the humble tribal homosexual Yeah, guys, sorry, I don't need this grinder app the only grinder I need is just from making my powders. Thank you though Did you know did you know the gay guys called meth Tina? Yeah, yeah, I didn't know that I didn't know that so recently oh yeah as I think I think that's a cool name for it's cooler than methamphetamines for

sure yeah I like always like glass glass sounds cool ice yeah I'm one of my buddies who was a meth addict for a long time called it shard which just is like yeah I guys smoking shard so I was like Adam that doesn't sound so yeah I don't want to I don't like yeah we were up all night smoking shard up all night tootin Tina that sounds like that kind of sounds like a like a tiki vacation activity like an excursion you'd go to on a Carnival cruise ship. We were gonna go to Tuna, and then we're gonna come back and we're gonna play the Carnival director,

the cruise director, we're gonna sing Bohemian Rhapsody, and the best singer gets a free tiki drink. Oh yeah, we were up all night, and we were playing Mighty Monkey. Yeah, yeah. And that's what I call it whenever you smoke, whenever I have a couple of beers Playing Mighty Monkey yeah

Yeah, this is I Don't know what you're doing after work man, but a couple of guys we're gonna hit up Dave's and we're gonna play Mighty Monkey The open invite no pressure though. I Know what you do when I when you're away at work you say you're coming straight home But I know you're out of the bar playing Mighty Monkey with Phil and then he's hard to, he's mighty. That's kind of the whole nature of the phrase, you know. He'll grab you by the banana.

Mm-hmm, he'll grab you by the banana, he'll pull you deep into that bottle. That's the, that's how mighty that monkey is. Hi, my name is Jacob, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Jacob. Yeah, you know, my dad used to tell me all the time, you know, kind of runs in the family that, you know, the mightiest monkey is the one that grabs the man and, you know, my dad used to tell me all the time, you know, kind of runs in the family that, you know, the mightiest monkey is the one that grabs the man.

And, you know, I feel like maybe I've succumbed to the monkey's might myself. I'm not proud of it, but I'm a monkey maniac. I'm a mighty monkey maniac I'm a mighty monkey maniac with a morbid story. My name's Mike. I'm a mighty monkey maniac, mostly. The thing people don't understand about it is that when the monkeys manic and he's got his might and he's mangled your mortal soul, that's when you are at your meekest.

You have to fight the monkey's mania with all your might to avoid becoming a victim of the monkey's mighty mania. I didn't know you knew meekest. No, he's... meekest. Meekest freely? I didn't know you knew Micah's No Micah's freely this is my cousin Micah's monkey Hey guys, we're gonna hit the yeah, we were gonna go we're gonna watch the Astros play They're gonna hit the bar, but I bring my cousin Micah's monkey He's just gonna hang out in the back and chirp a little bit Play the meat one here at the earth and chirp a little bit and play with me

One here at the earth and the meekest monkey one it will the monkey mania That's my favorite man, that's my Parable. Yeah, it's my favorite parable from Greek. What's your favorite Bible piece? That's your favorite piece from the Bible. Mine's probably when Jesus got the most maniac monkey and with his mighty powers turned to meek. He turned a banana into a monkey.

Just like not impressing any of the Hungry Towns people at all. the the the the the the the the the

the the Fuck. Jesus, my son, he's blind. He just turns him into like a full grown ape. No. Hey, look, I didn't tell you what kind of fucking miracles are we doing. I turn him into a sexual gorilla. Your son is he's an evil gorilla now. My my baby boy, Abbas, he cannot see Jesus. Please cure my son. He will no longer be sick. He will now be a super

incredibly horny silverback gorilla. Seven thousand pounds. It's very virile. Yes. his sperms are spilling out of him as we speak thick fucking motor oil really oily man I really feel like like we don't know that 30 year period, what he was up to, because he was probably doing stuff like that. You have to be super awkward if you're asking

your classmates if they jack off and stuff, and then you ask Jesus Christ, and he's like, no, I don't really get to do stuff like that because I'm the son of God. Oh, my bad, sorry. Even just like, anytime you're at football practice or something after that, it's just kind of awkward when you have to do drills with him and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

He's always wearing that cross necklace and you're like, what is that? Tea? What's going to happen? Does that got something to do with me am I gonna He's like oh, no, I'm gonna be on here someday Whatever you say man Your friend telling you he's gonna be an actor Yeah, I'm gonna that thing you got on your neck. That's gonna like that's gonna be because of me in like 20 years

Yeah, all right sounds good, man Yeah, but dude this just stands for T. For Thomas. Your mom was fucking 12 and your dad was like a grown ass man, dude. That's fucking disgusting. Stupid ass, you know? Goofy ass kid.

There's like that non-canonical, I think it's in the Infancy Gospel of Thomas. I don't remember. Syriac Infancy Gospel, maybe? But it's a non-canonical gospel and there is a story where I think Jesus has got a bunch of mud, clay, this is teenage Jesus I believe, and he's got a bunch of mud and clay and he's fashioned them into small sparrows and then he waves his hand over and the birds come to life and they fly away and a kid comes over to

where he's playing and kicks over the other ones that he's yet to turn into birds through magic and so according to this, Jesus raises a big leviathan out of the ground, like a big ass snake, and it just eats the fucking kid and like a bunch of other kids. I don't know why they didn't put that shit in the book. That's dope as fuck. Like, that's really cool. I don't remember if it was a big serpent or like a big golem-style monster, but the kid fucks with his little clay birdies while he's out there doing magic, the Jesus but Who wrote it

It looks like it was just found like on a It looks like they looks like they found it Oh, it was on an ancient piece of Manus is on an ancient piece of Egyptian manuscript. That's where I probably would have put it too. It was on Papyrus. I think they just found a piece of paper and it just had some shit on it and they were like, oh cool, yeah.

You know, if I was gonna do a miracle if I was gonna do a miracle I would probably turn I probably create a new type of candy that would be so delicious and so amazing tasting and texturally fantastic that I could sell it to millions of people and become incredibly wealthy and be causing delicious candy in the process. My laptop as I was saying that got so hot, my laptop got so hot it started burning my legs because I was speaking so much truth. I'm trying to find the truth. They start looking for ways to punish you, like making your laptop

breathe hot air onto your legs. They did this to Jesus as well. They breathe hot laptop breath onto his body as they tortured him. But his spirit did not break and neither will mine. Oh yeah, first gospel of the infancy. Sorry. Uh, Sparrows. Is this a baby gospel?

Um, yeah, in the first book it says, uh, Goo goo gaga, pinkie, um, mama da da. Hahaha. Wow, yeah, this is really, it says he liked to crawl around and put something in his mouth That's very yeah He has a giraffe toy that he liked to chew on they find like a Yeah, they find like a old-ass scroll like the Dead Sea Scrolls or something or like the fucking like the old fucking like Tetra grandma, whatever the goddamn and it's like a and and and Jesus played with his balls a lot

and was always skipping rocks on the pond saying he's gonna leave this town one day to be a performer. But he's never gonna, and everybody in the town said, you'll never make it, Jesus. And Jesus turned all of them to big, huge piles of poop because poop was super funny to him at the time. And then he got a job at National Tyrant Battery.

Jesus enjoyed his dino nuggets and chocolate milk knowing someday that he would do something amazing with his life thanks to being God. Yeah, thanks to being God. Yeah, thanks to me. Yeah, Jesus didn't really take his studies too seriously on the count that he knew that he was the son of God. So he was sort of like the first neat in many ways. And so Jesus would go out and he would make dino nuggies out of grass and eat them up. And when people would say,

hey Jesus, you can't be doing that, he would fucking give them huge, heaving, oiled up breasts. All the children of Bethlehem, from Bethlehem to Damascus, anyone that crossed Jesus, Jesus would give them plump, large, sea cup, oily breasts that were never dry, no matter how many times they were wiped clean. Jesus used his amazing powers to watch skippity toilet on a phone before it ever came out

He also liked to watch bluey on the side of a cave It's like eight-year-old Jesus like through his mind projecting bluey like on the side of some fucking piece of shit clay building what is that is for him yeah it'd be super simple i could do it right now yep just did it i just looked at a wall and i imagined bluey and i don't mean to brag but it's something i can do pretty much all day if i need to if there was like a piece of the Bible where Jesus had just crafted a small block 350 out of just some pebbles and shit, I think maybe I'd be able to buy it. Like if there was a part of Gospel of Thomas or something that Jesus used a bunch of dirt and he waved his hand over the dirt and it became an LS2 engine.

I'd be like, that's the thing that I know that exists now. So I can get behind that. It's the kind of proof that I would need. It wouldn't have to be an engine. Just Jesus making a mongoose bicycle and being like, this is going to be dope as fuck in a little while. You know what I mean? I like the parts of the Bible where they talk about food really think about dates and figs and roasted chickens and

And lamb and and and beef and Do you ever get hungry in Sunday school when you'd read about like how they would like give you the little stories about Jesus Made all the loaves for people. Yeah, I would I remember they brought us I Yeah, I would I remember they brought us I Remember for our one of our things we'd have to each eat 500 loaves of bread in a sitting to show how much crazy the miracle was Yeah, we each of us would have to eat 500 loaves of bread on Sunday every day and If we couldn't do it, then we would have to go to hell

So we're eating bread They would put you in like a simulated hell. That was just yeah. Yeah, we did they catch thousands of fish from Lake mineral wells every Sunday and we all have to eat hundreds of them. But no, if I was gonna do a miracle, I would probably pour up some grape juice in a two liter, turn it upside down, and you realize that shit was activist.

I turned it into activist on contact with the Sprite. And they'd say, wait, wait Thomas you want some other shit and I'd pour it in my double cup and I'd say yeah and I've got way. I'm the son of God, dude, and I've got fucking Riz. I've got Riz. I'm the fuck. I'm the original Rizler. Yeah.

What did you? What if Jesus and Christ and Iat and Aisho Speed linked up? I bet the numbers on that would be crazy. I bet Twitch would almost crash. Yeah, they could do pranks together. They could follow around Kaisenat and Aisho Speed, Jesus would, and then Aisho Speed would be like, yo, this is yo's Jesus better atone now And then somebody like that's not Jesus, and then they would just burn like burst into flame, and they would go oh

Yeah, I think he would be good friends with Steve will do it Probably Steve will do it actually keeps it real and like a lot of people nowadays. Yeah, yeah Yeah, he's honestly like one of the more Yeah, he's yeah, he's honestly like one of the more Generous and like dope as fuck and he gave a Rolex to Donald Trump his lowest Yeah, he's like been there for Dana white like when nobody else was For like beating up his wife and stuff When he had no money when he only had like $100 billion. Yeah, Steve will do it, like stood by his side.

You know, I have a lot of respect, I feel like if Jesus was alive today, he'd be doing a lot of the stuff that Mr. Beast and Steve will do it are doing now. Yeah, I agree. Except he would have Riz too. Yeah, I mean he was a handsome guy, for sure. since Steve will do it are doing now yeah except he would have Riz too yeah I mean he was he was a handsome guy for sure what would you do if you saw Jesus and he was he was on he was doing an NPC stream but he still and he there was a guy out with him and they had they had for his okay so it's Jesus and he's doing like a thanks for the roses I'm not a stream

and then directly like oh my hands oh my feet oh my feet carry my cross Thank you for the crown thank you for the crown thank you for the crown thank you for the crown Just right. That's what gangsta Jesus would be saying to what He's saying thank you for the crown to But he would be he'll be pouring up because the Apple crown maybe a GD Be throwing rakes up in a in the Bible Mary Magdalene is like how old is she she's like 13 14 how old is Mary Magdalene in the Bible. Cause I'm Mary Magdalene age. Mary Magdalene. Mary Magdalene was a woman who according

to the four canonical gospels traveled with Jesus as one of his followers of witnesses crucifixion and resurrection. More than most of the apostles. Nowadays her name would be Mary Margeron why? because all the damn kids are eating gotcha okay very good yep just let me know on that one

no I don't wanna know who the fucking saint was know who the fucking saint was Jesus is Mary marriage to Mary the Magdalene is fact not fiction hold on a fucking second they got married now you're thinking of Mary um there's a name no I don't know I don't remember that she got married anyway Mary Magdalene how old in Bible I'm trying to figure this shit out because I want to know the age-old question that I remember it is funny to go off the Google AI response yes yeah because I was like, damn, I'm going up Barry Weiss's latest article or whatever. Yeah. Well, Mary Magdalene moved to France.

What the fuck? They have France back then. That's my question. Strong no on that one. I would say. Yeah, that's all I can say. Probably probably a definite no on the one thing. One thing I've learned about this, Thomas,

is that Google is absolutely fucked. Like I feel there is no way there is no way that anything helps anymore. Ministry of the Another, a woman who has her own resources is rare. I don't want, this isn't funny. Sorry everybody, I was just trying to figure out questions about Mary Magdalene.

It says here that the Bible was the first book that had spaghetti in it. Like spaghetti as a subject of topic or had the sauce on the pages? I don't know. I'm actually looking at ads for Kratom. But no, I just made that up. But you never know. Oh, would have read it. Would have read me from Reddit to he was in Pontius Pilots hat the whole time Down the son of God punches it's like moving his hair and stuff like raising his scepter I

Don't want to do this I don't go ahead and do it. I guess I'm signing this. Goodness. This is the worst prank ever. Way off topic. You mentioned mention Kratom. So this is for all the Kratom heads out there. You know how like the gas station drugs, they're always named something like the shroom, like

you go to the vape store and the chocolate bars that are the, they'll say like shroom, S-H-R-U-M-Z, you know what I mean? It's like a play on words where they like can't legally, you know. So they've been doing this with these kratom concentrates and one of them, you can buy it in a box that looks like a medical prescription box and it's called hydroxy and it's got a little blue tablet that looks like, because creative is like, you know, it's like opiate. You take enough of it, it's like an opiate. And I walked into the vape store for like half like half a second dude I was like is the did they find a way to make like fake Legal pills because it's at the bottom like one look at it

You're like that says oxy because it's in the same font and it's in like this and it shows the tablet Like you know how not the you know you get a bottle of medicine not the orange bottle But in like Europe and shit, they'll give you a box and it's got the tin It's like when you get a box of Sudafed, you know, I'm talking about Mm-hmm. Yeah, so they have that at the vape store by me and it says hydroxy on it a H Y D O R I X I E And I was like, that's okay That one I can kind of see I Get the branding because the chemical in it that the the product the kratom isolate is like seven

Mitrogeny and hydroxyl at whatever the fuck it's the thing that gets you fucked up in kratom, but it's a super high concentrate I was like okay fine. Whatever dude. I walked by the vape store again today to see if they had any lightweight edibles They've got one now. They just got it in today. It's just called perks Perks They've got one now. They just got it in today. It's just called perks P-E-R-K-S and It's a little fucking it's a it's a little tablet. That's orange and It's called dozo perks dozo is in little little fucking font and then perks are like in big ass and it's just got a big pill next to it and I was I

Was just kind of taking it back. I was a lady. I was like is this she's like, I don't know It's the same lady asked about the mushroom bars. Like how are you guys allowed to sell this stuff? She's like I fucking I don't know. I just work here, but like They're gonna get that shit banned so fast. Hey, yeah, I'm gonna go to the vape store and buy some perks She's gonna get some apparently you take them and they there like super strong and get really fucked up off of them Hmm sounds horrible not interesting at all in any way, but Yeah, they should do like a fake ibuprofen But it's actually made out of Tylenol

Very good. Oh, here they are. Dozo perks. Wild Mango Party Blend. Chill Berry. This is my friend Dozo perks. So let's see here. Uh, yeah. Dozo perks.

Party blend. Oh, they show you a lab report of what's in them. Very awesome. What's in the party blend? Oh, it's got fucking a bunch of fucked up shit in it. Very cool. Everybody, if you like Kratom, go, I guess, buy these. Actually, I don't want to say that this shit's fucking bad for you, dude I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm gonna keep it a bill. I got addicted to this kratom tincture and I had to stop taking it because it was

You know making me feel bad And they sell it at the gas station and I've been wanting to kind of do like a deep dive into some of these things Maybe it's just like a writing project because I was just taking a bunch of random gas station drugs there for a while fairly recently and uh what was I gonna say oh yeah they have this I showed you a picture they have an edible by the gas station but my house called the demon They have an edible by the gas station of my house called the Demon. She says it has the witch lady from Left 4 Dead on it. What's she called? Is it just called the witch?

I don't know. You remember the video game? Okay never mind. I've never played it, I'm sorry. Okay, I digress. Sorry, I'm kind of off the rails on this guy on this episode because I'm so sexy. If anybody would like to make any phone calls I've got a really fucking great deal for you

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I mean my fiance. It had to be a lot of trouble though, putting all the new contacts in your phone, right? You can't fucking believe what I'm about to tell you. I need you to sit down and strap the fuck in for what I'm about to say. I'm already sitting down, but, yeah, yeah sit down tighter They let you keep your same number and all your fucking contacts nothing changes

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45 dollars upfront payment required equivalent to 15 dollars a month new customers on three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions may apply see mint mobile for details. Wow. Yeah. And look, the older I get, the more I think that, you know, I think that we need more pills, and we need more pills for kids, you know what I mean? Well I was going to say, like, you can go to the vape store and you can buy the perks there.

You can just buy, you can buy the, like anybody can buy them. It's 18 and up I think, but, um, some of this shit, I haven't tried the perks, and I'm not going to, because I don't need to, it's bad for me, but some of the, like, the stronger kratom stuff, it just literally just feels like fucking... It just feels like... It just feels like Vicodin, dude. It's like, no... And everybody's like, on the back of the box it'll say, for a calming and a lifted social mood.

It doesn't do any of that. It just makes you feel like you're on fucking Delon it. It just... It's all it does. It's not even... You know what I mean? Like, it's not... Yeah, you smoke CBD and you're like, ah, I kinda feel a little something. Uh...

But, uh... No, this one just... You just get really fucking obliterated. Um... And you can buy it at the gas station. Which, anything you buy at the gas station is probably good for you. Ain't that right, Thomas?

Yeah, if you can buy it at a gas... They wouldn't sell something unhealthy at the gas station. You know what I mean? They're there to help Yeah, yeah, they uh they really like the guy tried to sell me and I guess he noticed that I was buying a bunch of those fucking little tinctures he was like You're buying a bunch of honey pecs

Yeah, he's like you can buy all I'll give you all 12 of these I have in my box here for $100 And I was like no, I'm good. He's like, you can buy all, I'll give you all 12 of these I have in my box here for $100. And I was like, no, I'm good. And he's like, it's a deal. And I was like, I'm okay. And he was like, you'd save a lot of money. And I was like, I shouldn't be taking these. I don't know what's in them. The bottle says, you know when you're buying drugs from the gas station and the back of the bottle says, calming proprietary ingredients. I

Don't know about you Thomas, but I fucking love getting absolutely out of my mind fucked up on calming proprietary ingredients Just just me. Yeah, you know you can trust it cuz it's like a monk or something came up with it Probably yeah, first of all a Chinese in scientist mm-hmm Listen Calming gotta love it. I love being calm. Proprietary, that's a word that I think means business and ingredients, I love ingredients. I love salt, I love paprika, I love propylene glycol. So, I mean, whatever the fuck it is,

you know what I mean, I'll give it a shot if it makes me feel a certain type of way I'm surprised. They don't have more cheese type products For that stuff you know what I mean, but maybe a wheel of cheese They get fucked up. It's a it's a full wheel of cheese, but in the wheel in the whole wheel. There's There's five milligrams of CBD Like a 32 pound wheel of Parmesan. Yes. You eat it be you know be five wheels of cheese. You know you can just sort of have a chill set. Yeah. Well that's that's interesting because it's like you go

to the vape store and they have the little square gummies Well, what if I kind of want like what if I want to get high? But I want to eat a 32 pound wheel of Parmesan cheese at the same time, right? Yeah, it can cost anywhere between like two to five hundred dollars Yeah, one thing that's cool here is uh, I've heard from the Jungans, is sprayed weed is getting popular. Yeah, it'll taste like caramel or something. Is that what they're?

I don't know if that's what it's sprayed with. Because I was reading about the popular brands in a lot of the major cities are dispensary brands, but they're in the bags and it'll be like strawberry snow cap. And it'll literally look like a snow cone or whatever. And you smoke it and it's got like, it's the same shit that they'd spray on like a black and mild tip. It's like a flavoring.

That's what I've seen it as. They do the same thing with the carts. Like you rip a cart pen, pen taste like cheesecake or some shit Well from what I've heard they spray them with stuff is like research chemicals or whatever you can To where it Now listening these like 16 year olds on the bus the other day and they're talking about how they can't even get high from regular weed anymore Okay, that would make more sense then because yeah, I think it's less about flavor and more about um

Being suited as fucking like yeah. Yeah seeing God dude. I also do from weed Yeah, yeah, like Well, they have weed strong enough where I feel like you wouldn't need to do that, but I really Especially in New York like I've never I've never seen normal weed here You know yeah, like I've never I've never walked through a cloud and been like oh, yeah, that's That's how we supposed to smell like you know I mean it's it's always like Jesus Christ. What is happening here? well all of my like All of my longest in terms of time friends that were stoners in high school, they stayed stoners

and now they're all like high tech, like super isolate like one of my buddies post pictures of the shit that he smokes and it looks like he's just smoking crack. It's literally like a white rock that he hits out of a fucking like a butane nail, but it's like it's literally just a white rock that he hits out of a fucking like a butane nail. But it's like, uh, it's literally just the crystals so that you can buy, um, you can buy the isolate now. It's just rocked up powdered THC crystals, no plant matter. It's not like hash where it's like a wax.

You know what I mean? It's just like the shit from the plant. It's all sparkly and he smokes it out of this like big dab rig And I was fucking with him one time when I was like Cuz dude when I'm around them and they smoke that shit There's no hanging out with them at all Like I don't like no no whatsoever. They're just like And then these are the same guys god bless him. I love them some of them my brothers

These are the same guys that would be like this is medicine dude They give this shit to like the old school like they give this stuff to cancer patients, bro, and I'm like yeah You know what they also go to cancer patients fucking legal heroin They give them the law on it like you don't if you want to get fucked up. You'll never hear an alcoholic Well I've hung around a lot of drunks. I've drank way too much in my whole life. You'll never hear an alcoholic drink a beer and be like, you know, this is calming. This is actually, like, good for me. Alcoholics know what the fuck they're into. It's poison, okay?

I hate when a motherfucker will smoke... They'll post a video of them smoking a blunt that's dipped in this like viscous hash Wrapped up and then sprinkled with keif and then dust it in powder and be like this is fucking this is God's green earth This is the fucking herb, brother. This is this is fucking the gift from job my guy, and it's like no It's not. At all. The weed that comes out of the fucking ground

is like, if you smoked that, you would be bored. You know what I'm saying? Like if somebody, if you smoked mids and all you do is smoke fucking weed crack all day, you would probably not get high. Because it's not from Ja anymore. It's made by fucking scientists and like sick bucks. I'm just jealous, I can't smoke, makes me scared.

You're really scared. I haven't been doing it. I've convinced myself, I've had to trick myself into thinking I have a drug test incoming. It's working so far. Wait, you like won't smoke because you get anxiety about like a hypothetical drug panel? No, it's expensive here. Oh, okay. So I'm like, it's like,

it's an unnecessary... If I can go without, you know what I mean, like I'll still go out to eat and stuff now and then, but I'm like, I think I'd rather go to a restaurant than Buy an eat or something. Yeah, you know what I mean? Just sort of Well, if I if I buy weed then I'm also going to buy the food Yeah, yeah, probably the food is getting bought either way. Yeah, it's what time of the day is it being bought? You know what I mean? I think it speaks to like like our ego is like a species that like

We weren't just happy with like a thing that came out of the ground that you smoked it and you were like, huh This is a cool place we got here this is This is a cool ass spot and man the way the water the lights hitting that water is just nice We had to go and we had to make it fucking evil You know like you had to you know fuck with it to make it fucking Yeah, I think it was just like Yeah, I think it was just like Like just a race to who could have the most insane concentrate or whatever like yes Yeah, cuz there's always been a market for it, but then it's like the the lab stuff got to where

It was just standard like that was kind of across the board like what you get yeah I saw some documentary where some guy was like Some dude who works in the industry was saying that the reason that dispensaries don't carry Normal weed is because people don't want that Which pisses me off not because I want to smoke normal weed, but I'm like you're fucking greedy little fucking pigs No, like and I I'm the same way With things that I like but I'm like you couldn't just you I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, You gotta get a blowtorch to smoke fucking white powder, and then you're like, this is good for me.

This is awesome. This is the type of stuff that makes life worth living, or whatever the fuck. I don't know, I'm not trying to be too hard on my homies who like to smoke herb. I just, I hate that my body for whatever reason, my brain chemistry only really like to do stuff that could also kill me I Never you know what I mean like

Shrooms not really my thing. I like the acid it was okay But the stuff that really got my goat was the stuff that you just kind of died from super easy Which sucks you know it's like As a guy who likes to fucking get tooted up, get tooted up off the table. I like the shrooms. I like trying shrooms, but I don't really want to try them here because I'm always seeing a guy like throwing up in the street or something. I think it would really throw off my vibe. Oh, yeah, New York is like not a place. I think I'd have to be like upstate or something.

I think it would be a really, I was kind of not being a good, like I have to go on the train and stuff. And then like, I see a guy like sucking his own dick. Yeah. And I go, I don't know. Or a guy just pulling out his teeth and throwing them at people. And I'm like, oh, this is kind of not really, kind of what I wanted to see right now.

New York is a great city for Coke and opiates. I feel like it's great because if you it's a very stimulating city. So if you want to be a part of the energy, you know, the fucking the ether, you want to be a part of the fucking. You want to be part of the lights and stuff. Take a couple of key bombs up on the bus. And then you're like, God, that guy's sucking his own dick. That rocks. You know what I mean? Well, not that fuck that guy threw his dentures at this lady and she stabbed him.

Fuck. Yeah, I'm all about, or you take opiates and you're like all this stuff can exist sort of in the back of my amygdala as sort of a noise floor for my life. Well, I just not out between here and King's Court. But yeah, with hallucinogens, it's like, I don't wanna be acutely aware of any of these people. I need to, you know, it's no good. Yeah.

I think it would be- It's no bueno. I think it would be cool to take. You know what? No, I'm not even going to. I'm not even going to. There's a part of me, I think I've told you. I think I've talked. We talked about this. There's like a part of me that like wants to take acid again. I won't. I'm not going to.

But I think I've also like outgrown my ability to handle that. You know what I mean? Like outgrown my ability to handle like a really good trip. I think it would probably just end badly. Like I don't think I have any more good trips in me if that makes sense. Yeah, I feel the same way. I kind of feel like if I have too much established now,

to where if my brain changed a lot right now, it would probably fuck up stuff. I feel like I would, you know, 100%, I was just just about to say I feel like I was able to more enjoy drugs When I like didn't care if I died I had nothing going you know what I mean you have nothing going on I Guess and you have nobody that's like reliant like that not that relies on you wake up from an acid trip And you need to feed your dog immediately yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like you have to send an email that's like super important. It's like, no, I mean it was super easy

to like take a bunch of molly and then just be high, just roll for like 16 hours or whatever the fuck, and then just skip class, get fired from my fucking food job. Didn't matter, you know what I mean? Just, when all you have to really worry about is paying like a phone bill and like rent in a house that you share with like seven other guys,

drugs are awesome. It's dope, you know what I mean? Like it's just, it's super sick. Yeah. But you still shouldn't do them. No, you shouldn't kids. Cause they, they, they make your money low. They make your spirit low and they make your paper short

and they make that dick soft and they make that pussy dry. That pussy. It's a fucking dare officer. A bunch of fifth graders. So you shouldn't smoke the Zah because It'll get your money Bro, and it'll get your dicks off and I'll make your pussy dry Yeah

Everybody this is sharing off your chickens Everybody this is sheriff white. He works in the narcotics division of the New York Police Department. Everybody please stand to greet Mr. Sheriff White. Everybody. Yeah, I'm the sheriff but I just work here in one of the departments. You're a New York sheriff with the Cajun. There are many people above me. Cajun accent. Yeah, I work here at the at the New York. I work

here in in Upper West Side of Manhattan. But out in the mean streets. The streets. The streets of Upper West Side. When all all of you, your your mama's a moral psychology professor and your daddy worked for the NSA, and one day somebody gonna come up to you at your day school, at your liberal day school, and they gonna tell you,

you should try a little bit of marijuana. Sheriff White, tell them what happens when you smoke a little bit of the marijuana. When you smoke a little bit of the marijuana, you gonna start feeling a little bit of the munchies you smoke a little bit of the marijuana, you gonna start feeling a little bit of the munchies. And out of the munchies, you gonna start eating a piece of bread. Then you gonna eat all the pieces of bread.

Next day, your mama will make a sandwich. She only got cheese and ham. You gotta make a cheese sandwich, put two pieces of cheese, put a piece of ham in the middle. That's just what you gonna feed your mama or you gonna smoke marijuana. Nothing tastes as good as Skinny Feels. I'm the pro and Louisiana sheriff of New York City.

Louisiana Rexia. Louisiana Rexia, baby. I'm the pro and Louisiana Rexia sheriff for the Upper West Side of Manhattan. And when you smoke, we gon' get the munchies. You see how skinny you is? You wanna get fat? Hell nah.

You trying to be fat in the Upper West Side? Nope. You're never gonna be noticed by the modeling lady. They gon' be calling it the supper supper breast thighs Fucking fat-ass sheriff with a Cajun accent talking to a bunch of children you smoke wheeze gonna make you fat and your mama Won't love you if you're fat Your daddy gonna tell you to hit the weights your mama gonna love you if you're fat so

Don't smoke that we and if you're gonna drink, you're gonna wanna drink vodka and water. And Adderall is your friend. It's just me, the pro Louisiana Rexia Sheriff. Down in Louisiana we ain't had no Adderall, we had dirty speed. Shit make your eyes twitch. I need a whole pot of and I go out and throw up in the swamp.

That's how I keep my body so tight. Just like a like a he's got a big belly but he had the **** buccal fat surgery. It's just like a cheek boned up fat **** swamp chair. It's gonna make you your head is gonna fall out but god damn you're gonna look tasty. You kids these days kids spend too much time on the iPads and the iPhones and they eat and process junk. You're gonna wanna see your rib cage. Because if you lose your pretty privilege,

the sheriff won't come to your house no more. Don't you want to see the Louisiana Rexia Sheriff in the house? You better not smoke no marijuana if you either want to come over and give me some sugar. Sheriff? No, no. Sheriff. I'm a sheriff. I'm a sheriff. and I was fat and everybody the people in New York, they stop what they was doing on the subway and they say, look at this fat ass piece of shit. And I, Leroy Potato Chip, felt profoundly insecure

in that moment, and I knew what I was born to do was to turn kids anorexic and away from marijuana. I came here to not smoke marijuana and not eat. And I'm all out of, well, I didn't, I'm all out of marijuana because I didn't come with him. And I'm all out of food. The greatest thing you can do in your life, the greatest step, heights which you could achieve,

is to never smoke marijuana, stay skinny, and give sheriff a little sugar. You better not be eating any of that cornbread, son. You better be staying skinny and new, bow. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be.

You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be.

You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You better be. You wanna keep your thigh gap and your hip bones and your hip dip, okay? You're gonna wanna make sure that you have high cheekbones. You're gonna wanna make sure that your fingers are scraggly looking. You're gonna wanna, an apple and a cigarette per day is kinda what you wanna keep it at.

You know, if you wanna stay, you know, you better stay away from that cocaine and keep that dick hard. Keep that dick hard, keep your veins in it. Now what I will say is if you want to stay skinny like the Cheryl, cocaine will help you stay skinny. And this is mostly for the fellas, for the girls, for the girls in the audience, you can do as much cocaine as you want. It'll keep you nice and skinny.

For the fellas, it'll make you skinny, but it'll make your penis soft, and you wanna keep that thing hard. So I'm gonna suggest all of you boys get on a little drug called Anivar, okay? Sheriff, Sheriff Thomas, Sheriff Leroy Thomas, potato chip knows all about Anivar. Sheriff Sheriff Thomas Sheriff Leroy Thomas potato chip knows all about Antiball.

And don't get a confusal candy bar. It's the last mother fucker thing. I don't tolerate any of that. I was on y'all little. I y'all been shooting up 500 ccs of candy bar every week. 500 ccs of candy. We need 500 ccs of candy bar stat. We need 500cc's of candy bar stat. Bring him to the emergency room.

He'll be there in a minute. Doctor, doctor, we have level 5 chest trauma and head trauma. Indicative of attacked with a baseball bat. Sir, how do we proceed? Bring me the patrol mask. We need 500cc's. It mask we we have one of the fire trucks we need 500 cc's of snow cone syrup and we need 200 cc's of while we pop and we need 300 cc of a Kenny bar as as immediately that

wouldn't be nice as smart as doctor at his doctor and the whole hospital. He solved one side of a woobish cube. I think there's a different path I could have taken where maybe I could have been a doctor. I was really good at math. I was really good at science. Yeah, your name is Jake. Like Dr. Jake, that show I've been thinking about writing. Yeah, yeah dr. Jake that show I've been thinking about writing. Yeah It's called dr. Jacob dr. Dr. Jake Rhodes

It's crazy you guys have the same this you have the same name as my doctor my shirtless doctor. I've been writing about it's crazy He he causes medicine to women with his surgeries Does he do anything weird I don't want to be associated with anybody. It's weird. He's a shirtless doctor and he wears a lab coat with pleated blue scrub suit pants. Ham hock. And then he has a white robe that I call a lab coat Very it's called the and Then he uses a stethoscope to look into the woman's breasts to see how big they are and he Very good looks into he doesn't look into their ears or nose because that would be gross and not sexy But he looks into their mouth and okay

Uses the brown stick to see how long their tongues are And he looks at their feet and sees if they look okay, and then he Checks their vajayjay's Okay, so his breasts Obstetrician yeah Yeah, you'll do Physical tests where you say, okay, take off your clothes,

and now I'm gonna hold your breasts for as long as I want. And then breathe in. For as long as I want. For as long as I want. All right, show me your eyes. Are they beautiful? Show me your teeth, are they beautiful? Show me your teeth are they amazing? Show me your butt cheeks. I only treat of my mantra. I only treat amazing sexy patients

At Jake's sexy hospital. Oh for fine-ass women. I Treat this sexiest woman. I find the most amazing beautiful diseases in them And I find the most amazing beautiful diseases in them mm-hmm you kill them in your amazing set of tits You have a fucking awesome case of breast cancer. That's gonna kill you And I have to take away your sexiest cancer tits and put them on Above my mantle I'm gonna cut them off and put them above my mantle And I'm gonna replace them off and put them above my mantle. And I'm gonna replace them with even bigger ones. Before the original wounds even heal,

I'm putting new breasts on you. And I use a pizza cutter for the whole operation. It's a highly invasive breast removal where I cut flat across your chest and I completely I have to skin graft I use it's I use from leftover tummy tucks I put tummy skin on your breasts and make them huge and I basically it's a very low survival rate for the way that I do things I'm worried that you might have Vagina cancer because your thing isn't shaved so I want you to shave it and wax it and then come back and let me look At it for a long time

I'm gonna see what's up with it and see how big it is and stuff see what's up with it and see how big it is and stuff. And yeah, so we're gonna need you to go and get Brazilian wax and then come back. And do, and take some soul cycle classes in between your next visit to become even sexier. And amazing. I was just here because I was having an earache, but I don't know why.

Yeah, I'm not gonna look in there, cause that's not, that's gonna smell bad and this kind of look disgusting well I the nurse said that you could help me I think I have an ear infection and yeah let's take it here take can you take your shoes and socks off okay yeah sure okay so big problem here looks like your toenails aren't painted. Okay, well what would that have to do with my... So how about we address that and then come back and... Okay. How long does it take to paint nails?

I mean I can paint them in the office if you'd like, I'll come back. I don't want you to do that. I want you to come back, I want you to reschedule. Okay, okay. I'm going to bill your insurance. Do you have big sexy insurance? That's the only insurance that we have. Okay, okay, I'm going to bill your insurance Do you have big sexy insurance? That's the only insurance that we have Big sexy insurance Blue Cross Blue Shield. Okay, can we just put it on your credit card? Is it okay? We're gonna do a new credit card for you and it's shaped like two breasts

So you can't swipe it you have to type the number in I have an a max. It's a gold one. It's yes. We're gonna get you a Gmax if you get what I'm saying cuz we're gonna put huge breasts on your tits Here at Jake's sexual hospital, okay, I think crazy awesome White girls, okay. I think we're done here. Bye. Bye Hi Hello Hi, who are you? I'm a different lady Okay, I think we're done here. Bye. Bye. Hi Hello Hi, who are you? I'm a different lady Okay, I'm having a lot of problems with my breasts

Are they big and amazing they're sort of lumpy and they're like flat too. Oh Well, I thought this are you a big ass bitch. I thought this was a sexy hospital for badass white women. And that's this is for white chicks, white chicks and badass bitches. They're you in the right place? I'm Jake. I'm Jake Rhodes. Well first of all, I'm the sexual doctor. I don't I want to make something clear that The behavior of this doctor is not like that guy that I know whose name is also Jake Rhodes Second of all would you could you fix me and help me be clear and clean? Like the outside of the sign says for clear and clean sexual doctor yeah so what that means in your case you're gonna need to clear the runway for your big fat ass and then we're gonna have to clean up the table

afterwards because there's gonna be metal shards just from your body being on it so if you wouldn't mind I'm not even gonna have you get on the scale because I don't want to have to buy a new one. But we're gonna remove most of your body and go from there. Okay. I'm gonna take away a lot of your bones, organs, and skin and a lot of... I think I'm just gonna chop off your whole head and we're gonna try and find you a new one. If you feel it's... If you've find you a new one. If you feel it's necessary. Caitlyn Jenner just T-boned another family so thankfully we have a woman's head ready. I love Caitlyn Jenner she's so brave. She's so great. We actually built a whole new operating room for her because when she gets, she'll destroy the rooms.

But what an amazing, so inspirational. The Olympics are so important. I'm glad that she gets to be famous forever because of that. So we are gonna put something into your, do you have a butt? Yes, of course, everybody has one. Okay, we're gonna yeah yeah that's funny

yeah so I'm Jake Rhodes and I'm gonna put my whole arm in there see if I can find a baby or something okay that's fine I suppose yeah that'll be a hundred thousand dollars you're so sexy goodbye bye thank you I don't want to that was to you oh okay yeah that was you that did that knows horrible what you didn't I think Yeah, you're bad Smerson did you uh Was the fucking lady The you see the boxer lady is suing a bunch of people who were saying bad things about

her and she's suing JK Rowling and JK Rowling's been like mass deleting all of her tweets, calling her like a fucking just bad, bad stuff. That's good. I'd say advised under like the best legal counsel is to just delete a bunch of stuff that makes you look innocent, you know, for like not, you know. And people are like, oh, what happened to freedom of speech? And I just want to go on the record saying, that's gay. I think maybe we should put, we should put J.K. Rowling in like one of those stretch

racks and just stretch her spine out a little bit. Yeah. Just straighten that bitch out. Get that thang stretched out, you know what I'm saying? No Thomas, no. That's what you were saying, you just said that. I'm the medieval torturer Jake Rhodes. Jake wants to stretch out JK Rowling. Medieval. Hey, I'm the medieval torture. My name is Jake Rhodes Just get an Iron Maiden for me if you don't mind Would you still not like her if her name was Jake a rowling?

Jake they know what others like if she was like a guy and it was like Jake No, Jacob Allen women can be named Jake. It's very common. I don't ever told you this with my dad Trans woman picking a dog's name Women can be named Jake. It's very common. I don't ever told you this with my dad my trans woman picking a dog's name This is my roommate Fido I Remember my mom told me when I was they were, my name originally was Cody Allen, which like doesn't have the, I don't think I look like a Cody Allen. Cody Allen Rhodes.

It's very much like a shit kicker name. You know what I mean? Like two, anyway, the reason my mom said that they didn't go with that was because the initial spelled out car, and she thought that was goofy. So they just went like, literally that. She was like, we had all the baby stuff,

Cody Allen, this, Cody Allen, that. And then when I saw somebody sign a card, coming home from the doctor and said, CAR. And I just, cause like they signed the birth certificate with Jacob Hayden, but all the stuff, you know when people bring stuff to the hospital before the baby and it is like Cody Allen or whatever She like changed it last minute to Jacob Hayden instead of Cody Allen

She's like I just didn't want your initials to be car and I was like Who gives a fuck I mean I think I'm I don't it would have been my name so wouldn't have mattered But I was like, I don't like the name Cody Allen. That's a racist name You know what? I mean that is like a southern like fucking lifted GMC Sierra I love my truck and I love my dog and I love my snacks and I love my bed. Yeah. Honky Tonk. Yeah. I love my truck and I love my dog and I love my snacks and I love my bed.

Yeah. Honky Tonk. Yeah. I love my truck and I love my dog and I love my snacks and I love my bed. Yeah. Honky Tonk. Yeah. I love my truck and I love my dog and I love my snacks and I love my bed Yeah Honky-tonk

but donka donk Is your dad like that song your dad seems like a kind of guy that would like You know country songs about big Sexual round butt cheeks. No one of my favorite opinions of my father's is that he Sexual round butt cheeks know one of my favorite opinions of my father's is that he? Liked Willie Nelson better before he grew his hair out. Oh, yeah, I can see that he grew his hair out like this like 60s and 70s like he he's had the

anyway, but yeah your dad is like a He likes a lot of the country old country guys, but like not their politics. One of those guys? I don't know. I haven't really gotten a good read on the guy, but it's none of my business. I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah, so a classic southern boy experience is to be like in your mid to late 20s, or hell even older, and just barely starting to get an understanding of who your father is Like as a person, you know what I mean? Like I didn't really necessarily have that experience my dad, you know, he would tell it he would tell you his whole life story immediately He'd be like, yeah, you know, it was bad. Everything sucked dick and now I'm fucking hate being alive But a lot of my friends dads, you know, I'm like, what's your dad? What's your dad do before? You know, I don't know What were his dreams? I don't know idea. What does he like to do sit? You know what I mean, just kind of like a stoic old fuck. Yeah

Do you think you know go some do you think you're you ruined anything like for you like well you're the you're the second to I'm like, oh I don't have time. Yeah, I fucking, I remember like asking my dad, like, you know, before you accidentally knocked up my mom, like, what did you want to do? And he was like, I want to be a rock star. I was like, oh, that tracks, you know? He liked to play in cover bands and he would play third eye blind covers

and then he would play Motley Crue covers. He was in the most fucked up cover band of all time. They would do like Anthrax, Metallica, and then they would do like Simi-Chomp kind of life. Mm-hmm. Mm. Anyway. Yup. I have a, if you're listening to this,

uh, this is uh, the pre- this is the free episode, sorry everybody. Um, somebody messaged me on Patreon while I was doing this episode and I saw the message. And they said, any chance y'all can put the non-Patreon EPs on here too? I just realized I've been missing most of the EPs because they're posted elsewhere. Thank you. They're on Spotify and they're on Apple and they're on Amazon. No disrespect, I did have them up on Patreon for a little while, but I deleted all of them and that was like, we were like six months in and I just stopped posting them there.

It would take me a really long time to upload all the free ones to Patreon, so just listen to them on spotify and apple uh... speaking of patron to go to patron dot com slash from their time and tosses a dollar a month that'll get you discord access and nothing fucking else but it's a cool place to hang out in the pendejo's palace five bucks a month get you access to the pendejo's palace plus a backlog of episodes plus a bubble bubble bubble bubble bubble

bonus episode every motherfucking week uh... two bucks a month to access all that shit plus a video episode. I have two of them ready to go. They are taking a long ass time to export and the files were corrupted last time I exported them. I think I need to move some shit off my MacBook. We've got a big ass announcement for big ass sexual motherfuckers. And it goes something like this.

We are going on the road. We're taking the show on the motherfucking road. On the road again. Just can't wait to get on Pindeo time, my friend. We will be in Seattle September 4th at the Here After. We will be in Portland at the Star Theater September 5th. And we will be in Los Angeles the 10th at the Virgil with the very funny Ben Avery, friend of the show, friend of my life.

So get your tickets there on a link tree on the Patreon. Let me go and make sure that that motherfucker can be viewed by everybody and not just certain people. Get your tickets now and if we sell these things out then we can travel the world. Some people were asking about San Diego and two guys asked me when I'm going to Australia. I want to let you guys know that Sydney is a major city for us but it would cost us $5,000 to get to Australia. So I just want to let you know that one day we will go to Australia, but not when it costs us a bunch of money to get there.

I would love to go do jokes in Australia. I feel like Australians are the Texans. Not me. I'm never going there. Fuck off, you guys. Fuck Australia. If you're listening in Australia, stop listening to the show. Right now.

Never listen again. I never want to travel the world to do jokes ever. I want to do, I never want to do them at my apartment I want to do them in New York and in Austin only then I never ever will not expand I will not expand I will not grow I will not become a successful comedian. It will never happen alright Thank you guys bye