Pendejo Time - sleeping tom

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

fort worth man getting cozy as can be wake his ass up what kinda grown man get into his bed. Support the Show.

What up? Alright, what happened? I, uh... I found you beating off, remember? Yeah, no, I came to Fort Worth. I came in and you had a blindfold over your mouth. I guess it's a gag. Yeah. In that situation. Well...

Well, this new thing that I've been trying out is to drive to where you work Well, this new thing that I've been trying out is to drive to where you work. And then when you go to, I guess, put some brush away or whatever, you got to get some brush away. Yeah, whatever the fuck it is in a cabinet or something. Yeah, I'm beating my shit like a push pop. Just kind of tugging on it a little bit. Yeah. And that's a new thing that I'm into.

Hey, could you go to the truck and get some brush out? Hey, could you go just, like, take this trash and put it in there? We can't do this job. We forgot to bring sticks and leaves. Yeah. What happened at work today big tommer don't worry about it dude you were like i had an absurd day at work and then i was like let's talk about it on the show and you were like okay and then we start to show and you're like i caught you jacking off which is not what you it's not just the want to learn things about my personal life.

You got to go through me. Right, and I guess we've been business partners now for, I guess, a little over a year. You've been business partners. I'm on a whole other agenda. What is that? You and that other guy think you can just run circles around me, don't you? Yeah, yeah, me and the other

the other mike that doesn't talk on the show yeah who's mike mike mike penis mike i know how many guys named mike do i know i know mike michael michael mike Michael, Michael, Mike, Mike. Okay. You know Mike, right? I haven't met him. Okay. What about Mikey?

I don't know that I've ever met a Mikey. I think I only met one. He was in a comic in Austin. I think it's got to be either like a New York guy or like just a regular gay guy. For me, Mikey is like, it's the quintessential, like I'm 34, but I'm like, yo, so, like, I'm really into, like, Tribe Called Quest. Like, I'm not really into, like, Red That Rap stuff.

I'm into, like, you know, like. Which sucks because Mike and Michael are both good names. Solid names. Solid man's names. Mike is a solid. It's like Jack. It's just very, you know. Michael is, like, a distinguished. Mike is a solid. It's like Jack. It's just very, you know. Michael is like a distinguished.

Mikey is just. I just think of Mikey Miles, and I think about like a hype beast, probably Super Predator, or at least future Super Predator. And, you know, that just kind of falls apart from there. I mean, like the 20s or whatever would have been a nice, like, baseball player name. Yeah. Mickey, Mikey.

Yeah, if you're Michael, you can be Mick or Mickey if you want. Mickey's cool. I think Mickey is sick. If you're a grown man named Mickey, you've seen some shit. You know where to get some shit. You've definitely beat a guy to death with like a like a wooden stick yeah if we ever have a son together we should name him mickey i would love you know i've been thinking about the next step in our relationship and i don't i don't want to get ahead of ourselves but i think we need to adopt

i think you should get me pregnant that would be cool yeah i think that would be jacob i want you to plant your seed in me sir okay well we can talk about that off off the mic i'm so fucking tired yeah dude i fucking i've just been like not going to not eating i go to the gym just been fucking sitting and watching here's the thing i think i've ruined my attention span but like obviously like from like the screen damage i guess from being on the internet but i'll go to watch a movie that people will recommend to me and then i get about 10 minutes through and i'm like this is gay and i just put on goodfellas i can watch goodfellas all the way through literally like without looking at my phone one time or getting up to fucking do

anything else but i've seen goodfellas probably not kidding like well over 100 times but i like don't people have been like yeah you should check out this movie. You'd like it. I'm like, all right. Put it on. Nothing happens. All right, good fellas. That's it. That's what we're getting.

Please put your phone away, Thomas, while we're trying to do this show. I don't have my phone out. What are you looking at? I wasn't looking at anything. You look like Wilson from Home Improvement, the neighbor. It's just like half your face. Oh, really?

Yeah, Tommy. Tommy, we've talked about this. Dude. You need to be more engaged in our conversations, Thomas. You need to be more engaged to me. I feel like you're not listening, and I feel like... Here's the thing. Goodfellas is good.

I like Casino a lot. Casino's solid. Casino's classic. Yeah. As somebody who grew up... In a casino. Yeah. As somebody who grew up as a lead pipe.

That is an incredible movie. I'll tell you joe pesci such a sick guy he's awesome i love joe i love that he became a jazz guy he has that rap song about being like a mobster with class and swag well that here's the thing have you seen his jazz career at all no no so that song is like his most successful song in his musical career but he made it like as a joke okay but he's been in he quit doing movies because he was like i've got enough money and i just wanted like playing a jazz band for the rest of my life right and everyone was like, I've got enough money, and I just want to play in a jazz band for the rest of my life. Right.

And everyone was like, you're kidding. You're not going to do that. That's what he's been up to since the early 2000s, for the most part. He's got a really bad goatee and wears fedoras. Yeah. That's what Joe Pesci does. But he's still got probably hundreds of millions of dollars or whatever. He doesn't give a fuck.

He's Joe Pesci, you know? Yeah. And like, anytime he's ever wanted to do a role, like, he could, you know. Yeah, he can make his own, make his own price. He can set his own shit. He can set his own fucking. Yeah. That's how I want to be with guest podcasting.

You know, 20 years down the line, I know that I could do a guest episode and name my price. Right. $55. You know, I... $50, $60. It's 25 years down the line.

50, 60 bucks. It's 25 years down the line. I know I'll be able to call on, you know, the podcast. How many podcasters do you think that we know that will still be alive in 25 years? Well, some of them may be dead purely just from old age yeah it's just weird to think of your friends dying of natural causes i don't think anybody we don't know any like 40 year old podcasters i mean i guess we know podcasters that lived hard lives and thus maybe their life expectancy is shortened a bit but it's like it's like felix dies at like 50 it's like yeah he just you know natural causes he's just too jewish i guess well here's this thing yeah your anti-semitism is driving a wedge between us.

And you know what a wedge needs? What's that, buddy? A good back cut. And that's how you fell a tree nice and proper. How tired are you, man? Are you doing all right? I'm doing really well mentally as well as sexually. Honestly, my sexual health has really peaked i think it uh like i have probably been having a good

i guess a good run yeah um you know i'm feeling like i'm very virile uh you know. I go outside and I fuck little holes into the dirt. Just for good measure. What's it called when your shoulder keeps, like, falling out? Chronic shoulder instability. Okay. I have that. Because I've been, like, I was just walking over to the window earlier, and it just slipped. Like slipped out of place?

Yeah, it's been happening all day. But it's just because I'm really strong. I'm so strong that my shoulder muscles are so big and defined that sometimes the whole joint likes to just fucking slide out. And it's because my labias are torn. Yeah, I have a couple torn labias. I've got a ruptured vulva. They got too many names for the pussy zone.

I need to get my clitoris checked up on. I think I might need Tommy John surgery. Is that where they anchor your clitoris to the middle of your thigh to keep it perked up? Yeah, it helps it throw 95. Yeah. Thomas, you look like you're fucking... Man, you just... Both of us look good.

Yeah. We both look and sound. It's going to be a fucking hour. Let's see how much time we've got left here. We've got 50 minutes. We've got about 50 minutes left. 50 minutes left. That's okay.

We're going to make this for the last five hours. Five hours. I love the last fucking five hours. I'm going to go to the place. And I know that's where they race. They take the dogs there. The horses there.

The pants there. The underwear. Yes, sir. You're wearing your boat shoes. Yes, sir. You're wearing your boat shoes. Yes, sir. And everybody knows you. You go to the places and you know I'm racist.

That's a song about Jake. Did you ever go, like, did you, I mean, I don't think your parents would have, but have you ever been to, like, a dog track or a horse track? Like, you ever watch the animals race? Not in America. Yeah. race not in america yeah uh there's a dog track that uh we used to go to when i was a kid and uh i had like a child's understanding i was like oh you just get to take the dogs home after like you just get to take the it's like a forty thousand dollar

dog uh this story doesn't really go anywhere. I just remember getting really upset at my mom because we couldn't take one of the dogs. You thought you were going to get to suck off all the dogs. Well, so when you get to the dog track, there's a big sign that says, warning, don't even ask. You cannot suck the dogs off before and after the race. So as a kid, one of my favorite things to do was suck a dog's penis. Yes, I remember. You remember, yeah. kid one of my favorite things to do was suck a dog's penis yes i remember you remember yeah we were thomas and i've been friends for what 20 26 25 20 25 100 years thomas and i are elder

liches we just kind of imagine us being vampires but we still have joint problems from the age of 11. Just trying to fly as a bat and being like, fuck. It sucks. My wings. My wings are blown out. Fuck. Can you come lick on my wing a little bit with your vampire healing? I'm like a vampire, but I have to

suck up other people's rotator cuffs. I'm a vampire, but I have to suck up other people's rotator cuffs. I'm a vampire, but I have to suck guys. I have to get their... I'm like a vampire, because I only jack off at night. Are you a morning jacker or a night jacker? Dude, I don't... or a nightjacker?

Dude, I don't... I have to be at work too early to ever be a morningjacker. That's true. It would be so psychotic of me to wake up at 4.30 just so I could jack off. That would be fucking... That is serial killer shit.

I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I don't really keep tabs on any sort of, not really on a schedule. Right. At this stage of my life. Where like, I'm like, this is when I do it. This is when I like to crank off my little beetle. We were, uh, I was. Make it scribble runes.

I was at a fucking. Hey, sorry, man. You know, the old lady gave me blue balls, so I got to go home and scribble my beetle a little bit. And I'll be just, you know. I got to unlock my tomb and let the pharaoh out. I got to dust the tome off. I got to unwrap my sarcophagus yeah sorry man i gotta let the mummy walk uh just a little bit yeah just friends are like what the fuck are you there's like dude

what do you you sit here and you you gotta let the mummy returns too like you gotta hit the sequel on them yeah i gotta open my portal yeah fuck dude Man, I haven't been getting no pussy lately. You know, I gotta lock the door and I, you know, I just gotta let my ghost goo. You know what I'm saying? I just gotta bust some ghosts off. Yeah, my spirit's about and I gotta let them roam around if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I gotta let them jingle the chains. You know what I'm saying? I gotta let them go boo-boo. Are we, uh... of chains you know what i'm saying i gotta let him go boo-boo are we uh um we were this we were like a friend's place we're all like smoking weed and there's one of those like it's not a party because it's mostly just like you know basically just a circle of dudes smoking weed and like passing beers around we're just bullshitting thomas has disappeared from the show no i just realized this mic cord can reach my bed very easily nice and uh well the guest bed i guess and so we're all like sitting around a circle and the conversation like kind

of gears towards like what was the weirdest place that you jacked off you know we're all sharing our stories and there was a guy who went to our school that we had hung out a handful of times and you know comes around to me and i'm like i jacked off in a walmart bathroom once and everybody was like why and i was like i don't know i was like 15 i was just like i wanted to jack off and went to the bathroom and did it and they were like that's pretty fucking weird everybody's was like summer camp or whatever i had the weirdest one and i kind of felt insecure about it and i was stoned until the guy next to me is this our guy carlos that we knew he was like oh that's fucked up man like you know people go to that bathroom and he was like was anybody in there and i was like no nobody came in there you know it was like late at night or whatever just jacked off in the walmart bathroom he was like, yeah, I was on a road trip one time and I jacked off in the car.

And we were all like, oh, that's pretty fucked up, man. You know, like, I bet your friends were grossed out. And he was like, ha ha, no. I was in the car with my mom and my dad. And I was like, dude, we're all cross-fadedaded and it was like i i was really insecure about my story i was like it's pretty weird that i know you were 15 and you're terminally horny but probably shouldn't jacked off in the walmart bet but dude i was scot-free because everybody was like wait like that's funny he was like he's yeah, I guess it was pretty funny.

Huh? We're like, no, we thought, so can you? He was like, yeah, man, we were on a long road trip. We were driving back down to the valley from, like, Oklahoma. And, you know, man, you know how you get when you're, like, 14 or 15, you know, like, you know, Jake jacked off. He's like, he can tell that he's trying to get Jake jacked off in a bathroom. And it's like, no, man, that was kind of, I guess, a little weird. But you've dug a big hole.

So now you have to like. So he was like, I mean, you know, you're on a road trip and you're 14 or 15. And, you know, teenagers are horny. So I just put a blanket, you know, and just kind of like over the pants, like jacked myself off. And we were like, we kept waiting for him to be like, psych. And he was like, yeah, it's probably the weirdest place I've ever jacked off. And then like the conversation diffuses because that's just, you know, it's very odd. And like we all go outside with, you know, whatever.

Like two and a half weeks later, I see this guy coming out of, like, one of his classes, and he, like, like, walking, we're, like, smoking a cigarette, and he's, like, hey, man, you know, sorry if I was, like, you know, an asshole that night, like, I just drank too much, or, like, I was, like, no, man, you're cool, like, it was all chill or whatever, he like yeah i just you know i felt like just really embarrassed i don't know i kind of blacked out and i was like no man you didn't say or do anything weird or like you know he was like oh okay cool i was maybe i'd said something weird and i was like no you're good i don't know if he knows that he told that story like if he apparently he does remember i don't know if he knows that he told that story. Apparently, he does remember.

I don't know if anyone confirmed it for him, but that's something in my mind that you keep. It's one of those things that you do as a kid that you keep forever. No one ever knows about that. You know what I'm saying? Nobody ever. You don't tell that to anybody. Yeah, it's like the frog hole.

Yeah, the frog hole story. What happened to your frog hole? I'm following your advice. Oh, so can you remind me of what my advice was to you? Stay away from the frog hole. Thomas, I'm really skeptical

of you doing this episode while you're laying down. What do you mean? Because you look like a... You know, Augustus Caesar gave most of his you doing this episode while you're laying down what do you mean because you look like this is you know augustus caesar gave most of his commands laying down jacob you're not first of all okay what did i tell you about calling me by my fucking slave name augustus no caesar uh second of all you're not a general or whatever the fuck he was uh he was an emperor yeah you're not an emperor you're a guy yes i'm a guy and much like an emperor

i have a microphone isn't that something would you rather um every time you like uh rip ass you like emit a green gas like everywhere or every time you sneeze you change genders like a cartoonish like looney tunes fart? Or you sneeze and you become a lady? If you're telling me, I could... I could... Because I can force a sneeze easy. I mean...

But here's the thing. You can sneeze and become a girl, but you sneeze again, you go back to a guy. Right. If it's allergy... You can stif become a girl, but you sneeze again, you go back to a guy. Right. If it's allergy season. You can stifle a sneeze. No, it doesn't matter if you stifle it. You change.

Your body sneezes. You have allergies bad. So during allergy season, you're going dick to pussy, pussy to dick, dick to pussy like 50 times a day. Does it hurt? No, no. dick, dick to pussy like 50 times a day. Does it hurt? No, no. No, then I'm fine. You would want you to do that. You can do the A to that one.

Yeah, that's really fine with me. It would honestly not change my days that much. It would just be inconvenient at times. Yeah. Yeah. It would just be inconvenient at times. Yeah. How about...

Would you rather... Would you rather accidentally hit a child with your car and kill them? Or would you rather go to the deli and they say, we're out of your favorite sandwich? I think I'm going to go manslaughter on the kid. Do people know that I killed the kid? You do. I know. The kid knows, obviously.

Yeah, he's dead now. But, yeah, I think I think i'm gonna go that one i i hate when i go to a sandwich shop and they don't got the roast beef on the fucking au jus and the fucking shit the goddamn french dip you're gonna yeah here's here's a good one okay let's hear it five minutes in a locked room with Putin. Okay. Or one beautiful night with Zelensky. What are me and Putin doing? Doesn't matter.

The door's locked. Okay. Are the lights on? You can't go anywhere. Oh, so this is a potentially violent confrontation. Well, that's any interaction. Okay. It could be potentially violent. Let's go...

And Zelensky, when you say beautiful night, is the setting beautiful? That's entirely up to you. It's your charisma roll to take. Okay. I think I'll go Zelensky, when you say beautiful night, is the setting beautiful? That's entirely up to you. It's your charisma role to take. Okay, I think I'll go Zelensky. I think Putin's really good at Sambo. Well, he was recently removed from the head of the Russian Taekwondo Federation. But it was not due to him being really...

It would be funny if that happened because he, like, forgot his orange belt for him. Yeah, man, that would be fucking hilarious, dude. It would be so funny, dude. That would be so funny if putin got kicked off the russian taekwondo federation because he forgot his orange belt that would be so warm he's kept to remember the forms for the previous belts yeah i'm good

if you knew my potential you would really be talking to me with a different tone. Dude, you're slowly becoming more cozier. I can see it by the second you're becoming cozier. I'm not getting cozy, though. You're getting like a cozy little pig in that bed. I didn't realize I was grabbing my balls on camera. No, you're getting a nice handful of the penis sack zone, yes. I got a peek at it.

That's okay. I just want to let you know that we still got about 35 minutes, so you can't be getting too cozy. Oh, I can't get cozy. No, not a little cozy bug in a bed, Bubba. I can't get cozy in my own show. No.

Here's the thing, pal. I, uh... I lost my vape, and I have to wait until Friday to get another one. Oh, is it? Why? It's none of your business. Oh, okay. No, I accidentally...

I'm just not very good with money. That's okay, brother. It happens to the best of us. I spent like $700 last weekend just taking my mom out to dinner and making fucking chicken wings. And sometimes you spend money you don't have but you know it's your mom's birthday birthday to my mom uh she's a nice lady uh she doesn't understand the show that's okay you know um oh baby love the way i want to be with you night and day, every day.

Baby, I'm gay. Oh, baby, I'm fucking gay. You know what's funny is we were actually singing that song earlier. Would you like to hear my parody I came up with? Yeah, let's hear it, man. Let's go. It was, here's if that guy was a horse. Oh, baby, I love your hay.

Eating hay. I want to eat some horsey hay. Ooh, it's okay. Ooh, baby, I'm eating hay every day. I want to eat some tasty hay. Horsey hay. Video games I like to play. It's my favorite game to play.

Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre. They're gay. Would you... Okay. Would you rather... Would I get fucked by both of those guys at the same time? No. No.

Okay, listen. Absolutely not. Listen. Spit Roasted by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, like Eiffel Tower. Like, fucked in your ass and your mouth by both hands. You have to. Or, or, you have to, you and Nancy Pelosi go on like a honeymoon thing and you have to fuck her once a day for a week. So do you want to be gay or do you want to be straight?

Are there amenities if it's a honeymoon suite? Is there a pool? Yeah, there's a full spread. It's an all-inclusive resort. Basically, the question is do you want to be a gay man or straight, but it's disgusting? I mean, I don't want to be in either of these situations.

If you had to choose. I'll take the week at the resort and I can just steal a bunch of Xanax. Okay, fair, fair, fair. All right. I'm just taking that credit card and I'm swiping, baby. She's not going to know until until the sixth day we're there. Okay, let's see here. What else do we got in the chamber?

All right. Would you rather... All right, would you rather jack off with a sandpaper glove or run a marathon in sandpaper pants? I'd rather jack off because it's faster. Do you think you could bust with like heavy

grit sandpaper on your shit? Like it's not, like... You've probably shaken my hand before. True. But, I mean, even if... My shit's like... Fucking an old boat. That is true.

I didn't think about that. You kind of have an advantage there, because you're... Your shit is fucked up dude sometimes when like like hey man good show or whatever like hanging out or like i'll hand you the mic or whatever and you're like gingerly grace my finger and it like gets scraped it's like your shit's so fucked up dude it's just you know the byproduct of being a working man so you're gonna jack off with the sandpaper condom. Okay. That would feel nice probably.

Okay. Not bad. All right. Let's see. Would you rather wear silly socks for a week or get raped every day for the rest of your life? or get raped every day for the rest of your life. Who's doing the fucking to me? Everybody you know.

And it's every raped instantly so here's the thing so like i live with my girlfriend so if i don't leave the house i guess that's not that bad No it's going to be in a way that you don't like It's going to be In a way that's Trump Also if you don't leave your house Everybody's going to come to your house And they're going to do it to you She might as well leave the house What was the first option I forgot

Silly socks I think I'm going to go You can wear long pants And hide the socks I forgot. Oh, silly socks. Silly socks. I think I'm going to go silly. You can wear long pants and hide the socks. Okay, so the option is to be pretty much raped by all my friends and family and you. Every day. Or every day for the rest of my life. Or I'm going to wear silly socks for a week.

I think I'm going to go silly socks, man. That seems like a no-go. Wrong answer. Fuck. Okay. There was no option A. I got some bad news. Commence.

No. Would you rather be a weatherman... Okay. ...or tiramisu? I do like tiramisu a lot it's a very like decadent but subtle dessert um i think but weatherman they got they got uh they got some drip on them and they got some uh some cheese too you know a lot of motherfuckers get paid good money i don't know don't make that much cheese actually um the big names do right i would probably say i don't want to be tiramisu because i don't want to get eaten up by like like an x lady so i'm gonna go i'm gonna go weatherman on that okay okay all right would you rather uh okay i got one for you would you rather go back in time and kill an innocent baby hitler he's a baby ain't done nothing wrong yet but you know that he's

hitler or you have to do the holocaust um so kill a baby or like kill a bunch of i guess other guys i mean hitler didn't have to personally do most holocaust yeah he was kind of like he had on his part it probably wasn't that difficult yeah true actually he had to make a lot of management decisions that sounds like it sucks i'm just gonna kill the baby it'd be a lot easier okay in this situation the the idea like hitler is like yeah it's like interns and shit and like like ah this is fucking this shit's getting the best of me man yeah everyone who worked on the bloomberg campaign in 2020 would have been hitler's assistant 100 that's facts uh would you rather all right let's see all right uh you have to get fucked by duane the rock johnson

for 10 hours if i have to for 10 hours or you have to figure out how to pay taxes on this show there's nothing they could there's nothing they could um you know there's no way to get fucked for that long without it feeling good no i'm serious dwayne the rock Rock Johnson pounding your shit out for 10 hours. Or you yourself, by yourself. Well, it's the only way to know whether I can really have a prostate orgasm. Because if one man's going to give it to me, it's going to be his giant, yoked, powerful ass. Now, I wonder if it's his penis.

What the hell does that mean? Does his penis even look like at this point? Well, I would assume that he's got like the bodybuilder syndrome where it's like it makes your penis look fucked up and small because, you know, it's like the rest of your body is all yoked and shit. You know what I'm saying? So you would get fucked by the rock, though, that is what you're telling me. Instead of... If I had gunpoint, though, that is what you're telling me. Instead of... If I had gunpoint, yeah. Okay, what about...

Never mind, we've already done that. We're not paying taxes on the show. We're not going to figure it out. Okay, let's see here. All right. Would you rather be a happy little duck or a grumpy little goose? Would you rather be a happy little duck or a grumpy little goose? I think in my heart of hearts, I would say that I'm more of a grumpy little goose already.

All right. Well, if you're a goose, you get fucked by everyone you know for the rest of your life. Every day. You picked the wrong one. Duck was the correct answer. I'm over, too, on getting fucked by everybody I've ever met. Every day. Thomas' eyes are rolling in the back of his fucking head.

Yeah, I'm busting off. I'm busting off. Busting on him. Busting, bust, busting on him. All right, let's see here. 25 minutes. Let's go. I've got this.

Would you rather end the episode now or do 25 more minutes? I'd rather do 25 more minutes. Let's go. I've got this. Would you rather end the episode now or do 25 more minutes? I'd rather do 25 more minutes. I don't want to record it anymore. You know, they've got a new type of harpoon coming out, Jake. Do they? Yes. Scientists are calling it a whale of a time. Man, that fucking sucks.

I don't like that you know they've got a new type of baleen coming out okay about that no they're calling it a whale of a time do they have a new beluga coming out no why would they have a new beluga coming out what are you stupid yeah why would they just come up with a new type beluga if you could suck your own dick would you ever leave your own house like not just a tip i'm talking like a full-blown fucking googie googie like a type shit. I feel like if I could suck my own dick, I wouldn't. It feels more like giving a blowjob than just getting one. I don't know that.

I've never personally been flexible enough, and my penis is very small, so I don't know. You seem like you're speaking from a position of authority on the subject. Have you sucked your penis off, and can you do it now in front of me, please? I probably couldn't now. No, but you, okay, so you are telling me as we sit here now that you used to be able to get the tip? Yeah. Awesome. How old were you when you were sucking your own penis?

Is this like 21? I was a baby. Okay. you were sucking your own penis this is like 21 i was a baby okay so one two three since i could day one day you came out the womb sucking on your own shit like a fucking yeah it took forever for me to be born because it was like let let dropping off a cannonball you know because i was just already curled up sucking my own dick. Yeah. I'd already sucked off the umbilical cord accidentally. Okay. I thought it was a dick, so I was sucking it.

Oh. As it turned out, it was my belly button. Okay. Very good. They should make belly buttons longer. That's one of my opinions like an audi that's like a long like a long little they should just cut it in half the umbilical cord and like leave it leave you with some of it yeah leave me with all of it i want it dude any opportunity i

have for more skin more flesh you know i'm taking it do you consider yourself like a guy who enjoys flesh and skin and you know well that stuff gets useful later on because with cryogenics all that stuff people like it right so do us okay um would you rather go down a slide that is basically a big cheese grater or uh get uh reverse circumcision and then circumcise yourself a second time so get like some skin from your leg or something sewn under the tip of your pecker hole. And then you have to cut it off when it's done.

What's the first option? Go down a slide, but it's a cheese grater. So I guess it would like grind your butt cheeks up a little bit. Yeah, it could also cause some serious spinal damage and kill you, couldn't it? I would assume so, yeah. At some point, yeah. I'll take the second option. Okay.

Very good. Would you rather be put in the town stocks and all the village maidens call you a wench and a miser? Okay. Or would you rather be hung from the gallows until you were dead and the crows all gang up on you and fuck you?

Every day for the rest of my life? Yeah. Yeah, you know it is. Yep, you're... I think I'm gonna go with probably the first one, you know. Maybe I would like something like that. Maybe I would like something like that. Maybe I would like a little public humiliation.

Maybe I would get a little turned on by it. I'm sure you would. Maybe my little dinky would get stoned up like a brick or some shit. Something that's hard. Hope Diamond. I don't fucking know, man. I don't fucking know anymore.

Diamond is quite hard. Diamond is quite hard as is quartz well jake you know this world gets bigger every day it gets darker too more evil it gets fucked up you know you know it gets the long thing about us is is that we're men who go through great pain. We go through great pain and we came out on the other side of it worse. Fundamentally broken people. But we use that pain to bring smiles to people every, I guess, Tuesday and Thursday.

Well, not smiles. This one is probably going to be a groaner. But, you know, sometimes. This one is probably going to be a groaner. But, you know, sometimes... Yeah, it's going to be a moaner. Everybody's going to be beating their shit thinking about you. Having stories. Yeah, having stories? Yeah.

He's still having stories and shit. Hey, Playboy, you still be telling them sexy-ass stories you be saying about, you know... You still be telling them stories, you sweet-ass little mouth? Whoa. Come on, man. What do you got going on today? Let's go.

Today to tomorrow. How many hours you work today, two? Two or three? I didn't actually work that many hours today. It was only like 10 and a half yeah but it was just very strenuous stuff yeah back breaking shit yeah it was these big those you told me a little long the the big logs were like close to 250 you were just moving them i was rolling them across a hill to stack because the dolly couldn't handle them well so what i did ended up doing was i slid i would slide a piece of plywood under them

and then run a rigging rope under the plywood around the the base of the log, and then I would tie a cinching knot under the rope. And then I tied further down the rope. I tied it to the dolly. And then whenever I flipped the dolly back, it would tighten up that rope, keep some tension. And then I could pull the dolly, and then the plywood helped produce the

friction on the ground so it was like i was using i was using a lot less force than i would have been right thankfully i figured this out pretty late in the afternoon so you did a lot of terrible shit to your body there for the majority of the day well yeah the whole day basically but i mean it wasn't that much easier either way you know yeah life is what it is at the end of the day i may not you know be the most people think that this show is good but they're wrong it's they are dead wrong dead wrong it's a bad show and sucks dick and it's gay but one day when we make ten thousand dollars a month ten thousand a year. That would be so sick. $10,000 a month.

It'll all be worth it. The hours of labor. You know, the $45,000 we'll owe in back taxes. You know what they say about back taxes. Hit the road, Jack. And don't pay back taxes, taxes, taxes, taxes. I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna fuck you if you don't stop that, dude.

I'm gonna fucking nail you to it. Hit the road, Jack. And don't you eat cake. Don't eat that cake. It tastes so good. It's delicious. Don't you eat cake. Don't eat that cake. It tastes so good. It's delicious. Don't you eat that cake for dinner.

You'll ruin your appetite. Will you smoke crack? Give me a dollar. Anyway. Anyway. Oh. So I'm thinking I am so black

I am so black So black So black So black So black I work at Radio Shack Work at the Shack Radios

And we sell TVs too I am there Eating french fries And hamburger for lunch for lunch it tastes so good eating french fries and big fat steak for lunch

what you say eating food time the sandwich eating meal and it tastes strawberry eating food peanut butter Sandwich eating meal and it tastes strawberry. Eating food, baby. Peanut butter.

Drinking root beer. My friend Thomas, it's bubbly and it tastes very good. Drinking Dr. Pepper. I got it at the store. It's my favorite soda and I have it a lot. Drinking milk, but not whole milk. It's oat milk. I have stomach problems. Eating fried rice.

It's got some chicken I like. Soy sauce on my fried rice. Check the mailbox. You got two bills from the bills and you got hamburger and it's a glass of water. Sip, sip. Ooh, tastes so good. Eat it, french fries and chips, potato, tortilla and there's crinkle cut and there's potato chips And it tastes good Barbecue chips

Eating salt and vinegar chips They taste so good They're my favorite kind Salt and fries It tastes good Salted fries And it's peppered And it's so good I've had too many chips My little belly Belly hurts And it makes me

Makes me sad I call my dad on the phone He says what's up I say daddy I had too many French fries He says shut the fuck up don't call my phone i'm at work just kidding i got laid off what's up man can i have twenty dollars i ate too many cheese steaks from the store eat the french fries suck it like a dick eat the salt off then I lick the shaft

of the french fries and put it down my throat too far eat the ketchup mustard mayo pickles lettuce

and onions and pickles and ketchup for a boy I'm a big boy And onions and pickles and ketchup for boys. I'm a big boy. I eat a good boy. And it's so big that I could be a boy. I'm a fat boy.

Get your dick sucked. Buy my friend Jake At the bus stop He is gay And he sucks dick For five dollars tonight I don't suck He is gay Jake is gay

And he sells his body To passersby On the bus He says hey guy Would you like to get your shit Mooshed on smooshy style? I'm not gay. Thomas is gay.

He gets fucked by Marines and Navy men. He likes the military guys. They get on their suits and they fuck them with their swords and they come on his mouth. He says, thank you, sir, for your service and for servicing my ass with your fucking penis. I'm not gay. And if I was, I would not be my type. I'd probably like bad boys.

I would like... Who had a taste for danger and road motorcycles and wore aviators and big leather jackets and wore big leather jeans so tight and they lived for all the motorcycles. And they got the big boots and they wear it and they stop and they got some more swagger. What? What's that song? That's what we call killing 15. That's what you call being really good at your job. You know, I got a side hustle.

You know, I don't do drop shipping. And I don't do affiliate marketing. And I don't do Uber. And I don't do Lyft. You know what I don't do drop shipping, and I don't do affiliate marketing, and I don't do Uber, and I don't do Lyft. You know what I do? What do you do, Jacob? I like Jack off with my friend Thomas. We go to the lake and we suck each other's dicks. It's very cool.

Our girlfriends get mad, but they don't mind because the show makes enough money, I guess. Just kidding. mad but they don't mind because the show makes enough money i guess just kidding it's just like being gay for two thousand dollars a month i don't think uh i don't know maybe it would work out we're too gay guys we could probably make it happen i don't think people are gay for much less hundred dollars a year um yeah guys are, guys are gay for free. You know? Yeah. They get...

I mean... I feel... Some of the gayest guys don't even get paid for it. It's crazy. It's wage theft, man. It's wage slavery, brother. Gay guy wage slavery. If you're out here sucking dick, dude,

here's the thing. I don't like sucking dick, so I feel like I'd have to get paid a lot of money to do it. But if you're sucking dick for free, girl or or guy you need to get in your fucking bag all right uh if you got a boyfriend or something uh you're a girl and ask him to buy you some shoes uh i don't know how many women listen to this show but if you're a gay guy 15 15 if you're a gay guy or a girl and you suck penis uh like any level of frequency at all, any sort of anything like that, what I'm going to need you to do is you're going to say,

hey, motherfucker, I sucked your penis. Can I have a Birkin bag? Can I have a little treat, a tasty treat? Can I have a little pastry from the store? Can I have a roller taquito? Because here's the thing about women is that they need to be respected more than they are currently. And I know that's a fact, because I'm a feminist. Yeah, women get too much respect.

No, I think, see, I disagree with you there. Right, no, they don't. I don't think they get enough. I don't think they get enough. I wish they did. I wish they got too much so I could punch down at them. Right, so you could beat them. But right now I'm punching down. I don they got too much so I could punch down at them. Right, so you could beat them. But right now I'm punching down.

I don't want that. No, yeah. I want to punch up. Yeah. I want to punch hard. Up. Mm-hmm. Chin.

So if you're a woman and you suck penis, ask your boyfriend to take you to disneyland i don't know what women like really um universal studios harry potter land or some stupid shit uh but you know don't be sucking dick for free because me and thomas suck dick it only pays us about 2200 a month give or take uh and uh you know, Patreon foots that bill. What are you doing down there, man? You sucking your own shit? No, I think I can do this in my sleep pretty well.

Oh, the rest of the show? Yeah. Take a big nap. I'm just kidding. Thomas is sleepy. He lays his little head and he takes it with his snooze. He takes it with his snooze. And you go to the store and they say, He's a little head and he takes it with his snooze. He takes pretzel and cake with mix.

And you go to the store. They say, hello, Mr. Thomas. And they go there. That's where they have marshmallows and chocolate. Do you want some s'mores? No, thank you. It won't be s'mores night tonight. What you say?

This is why I press your cooker. And then you fill it up and you leave it on the bus. What you say? Buy a pressure cooker And then you fill it up And then you leave it on the bus And you go, my, my Buy a pressure cooker And get some ball bearings It's pretty easy to get both of those things Then you write a note

You say your life's been bad And you want the world to change But you don't know how to do it Leave it at the mayor's daughter's house and blow her legs off. And everybody's sad and everybody's mad at you. But they don't find you because you used to work for the FBI. People think it was some other guy, but it was the FBI. And you killed a lady and nobody cares.

Buy a rifle. I'm glad that's never happened. Yeah, I'm glad that the FBI's never done any stuff. You know who I really trust? Two people, two groups of people I trust. Who? Gay guys and the FBI. I think I trust them both.

She said, do you trust me? I only trust gay guys and only partly. I only chose gay guys and FBI. I'm sorry. She said, do you? She said, do you fuck me? I tell her only sometimes. I'm sorry. Adios. Why are you

hitting that dead vape still? Is it the closest thing you can get? It just hit. How'd it taste? Magically, I didn't know Tastes good? Really bad Do you want To be less normal

Or do you like You know If you No, we got it Eh, well, we got it It's fine We got a few minutes here We got a few fucking minutes

We can tough it out We can tough it out. We can tough it out. Till the bitter end. Do you jack off? No, I don't. I have been too busy and kind of depressed. I don't jack off. I mostly just watch TV.

You know. Did you hear that they They resurrected Young Wayne I did yeah I did Yeah I heard about that He was dead for a long time

He was dead for like 40-45 minutes Something like that Yeah Yeah That's really sad Sad to hear that Yeah

You look like you're Who do you think The next major comedian To die is going to be? I'm hoping it's someone super obscure. I feel like... I hope it's like fucking... Mike Berbiglia. I feel like that motherfucker's going to live forever.

I could see Bo Burnham killing himself. Are you talking about old people? I don't know. I mean, Artie Lang is up there. He gets sober and then it's like Artie Lang caught trying to fuck a riding lawnmower at a dollar store.

You think he's cleaned up? Old comedians? I feel like Eddie Murphy probably. No, he's not a comedian, but I feel like Danny DeVito's time is coming up. It makes me sad to think about it. Joey Diaz is on his way out. Dude, you know what's fucking funny?

That guy is like, I do jiu-jitsu every fucking day. I do jiu-jitsu when I eat fucking. He's like 3,000 milligrams of THC. That motherfucker probably lived to be 900 years old. I don't know. I think Joey's not that old. His body is in dog shit shape. But I think Joe Rogan got him into doing fucking jiu-jitsu or some shit.

That's a very funny sport to do when you look like Joey Diaz. Eddie Murphy, maybe? Bill Cosby? Let's see here. Could you imagine if Robin Williams died? Honestly, man, I don't know how I would live with myself if he did die. I would probably kill you. I would cry.

Hit the road, Tom. You hear that voice? Three minutes. Hit the road, Tom. Hit the road, Jack. Hit the road, Jack. And suck on my sack some more. Um.

I haven't showered in a weird amount of time. Oh, no. And I stink really, really fucking bad. And, you know, before my girlfriend left, she was like, you need a shower today? And I was like, I don't know, man. I think I'd rather get hit by a fucking, like a dinosaur or something. I'd rather get fucked by a rhinoceros or some shit than do that. So I guess I'll shower after this um whatever dude he's trying to impress me that don't impress me much oh oh oh you got the

anyway uh so if you are in fort worth in like a month. I think on the 15th or some shit, right? Or the 15th. Yeah, it's on the Sunday. It's on the Sunday at Tulips in Fort Worth. Come hang out. Come suck raw with the big dogs like a thug. We're going to be helping out Podcast About List on their show in Fort Worth at Tulips. I don't know whether it's 21 and up or all ages.

I think it's at a bar, so I would guess 21 and up. Probably 21 and up. You know what, man? I'm going to have to probably stay with you that next Monday because I probably won't drive back. I mean, I don't know. We'll see because I can't take off any more work. Or they will tell me to suck and kill myself.

Yep. This is going to be fun. I think all the podcasts about this guys are staying at my house on Sunday. That'll be pretty sick. It's going to be so many of them. I think there's like 66 of them. I mean, I'll sleep in a big bed with Caleb and Pat and Cameron. We can just sleep in the guest bed, like fucking.

And Juvia's going to be there too. Oh, that's sick. And I think Pierce. Nice. Their opener. Yeah. We have the air mattress and the couch and two spare beds. Swag.

I think we'll make it work. Yeah, we'll be okay. I don't think anybody's going to have to sack up. Somebody can sleep in the attic. You know me, dude. I love sleeping on your couch, big dog. So I can do that, too. I'm going to sleep in your body.

Will you crawl up inside me like a little worm? Nestle yourself in my butt zone or whatever the fuck, I guess. You know what's crazy is we actually have ten seconds left now. Ten, nine, eight, seven, five, six, four, five,

four, three, two, one. Bye. Bye.