Pendejo Time - sleepy

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

I gotta get my blood pressure and heart under control or im gonna die    support the show  come see us live 

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hello, hello, hello. Hey, what's up? Welcome to the show. That's how I get ready to sing. Oh, yeah. Some people, dore me falso. Uh, I go, and then my singing ability is opened up like a book. Mm, beautiful. It's like a mantra or something. Yes.

That's how I explore my entire vocal range. That's nice. I'm glad you're able to do stuff like that. Yeah. It's beautiful. Since the accident. Your accident at the gay factory producing gay. Yeah, were they accidentally let me in even though I was straight?

No, that wasn't the accident. The accident was they were testing everything on your body, which you willingly submitted to. You were very excited about that. Sounds like that was on purpose. I'm not an accident. No, they did. Well, they gave you too much. I'm sure that I was who gave you too much sexual pleasure on accident.

And I didn't like the sexual pleasure that they got. Yeah, I don't know about that, but that's okay. It's weird when you think about it, you know, you're not immune to sexual pleasure. No, of course not. From anybody. No, not at all. You can't really control that. Anyway, just something for you guys to dwell on.

Yeah, you know. You're not really immune. For my blowjob, I'm feeling awesome. It doesn't matter who it's from. It doesn't matter at all. Literally, it just feels fucking awesome. Yeah. You're not immune to it.

Not always. Uh, I don't know. Beggars can't be choosers. I've been stages in my life where it just felt awful. It's really funny. You've had stages in your life where you're like, nah, I think I'm not. This isn't good. That's awesome.

Yeah. Oh, great. My body is getting. wet. This is stupid. You have to wash off my member. This feels fucking weird. It's great. I'm soft and wet. This feels

fucking weird and wet. I take you're so stupid. This feels great, gross and wet and weird. I just want to watch TV. I guess I see what you mean. I've definitely been in moods where I'm like... Where you look down and you see your fucking belly. Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah.

She settled. She settled. providing in return. Yeah, yeah. She's settled for sure. She's huge, too. God, this sucks. A hell of a fucking drone strike takes out this dorm. I'm drunk in this dorm right now,

and I hope it gets fucking hit by a missile. Yeah, I don't know. It's, yeah, people can't. I've still laughing about that. You can't control what feels sexually awesome. You know, it's not, It's not really your call. I wonder if it's true that you guys go to jail straight

and then they just become gay. I know that's like a big joke in the movies and TV, but like I've never talked to anybody that's been a long time. Well, it's not true. I've talked to people who spend a long time in prison. But I never got to ask them that question. Because in my mind, it's like I could never, even under prison circumstances, be like,

you know what I'm used to like as a woman's, body. But I think what would be really awesome because I'm in here is a big fat guy's ass. I think that would be sick as fuck. I think a huge fat, strong guy's butt cheeks and whole balls in the dick would be swag the fuck out at this current moment. What if you don't know? I think the point still stay. Love still feels amazing no matter who it's with. That's true. I think I'm still on the on the train though of like I love a woman. I don't think I could be in a position where I would love a big fat, you know, black or white or Mexican or Chinese guy. You know what I mean?

It just probably wouldn't happen to me. Not to say that it can't happen to other people, but I just don't. I'm looking on this record and it says it's already happened to you. What record is that? It's a record of Jake, the book of Jake. Jacob. The book of Yaakov? Jacob's Revelation.

It says chapter 1 Jacob's Revelation He enjoys the love of man And he loves man And man And man feels amazing to him And he kisses The man's kisses

Feel amazing to the Jacob I did not know this This is actually all 100% true Yeah And it's let's see In the book of Thomas What is it saying here? It's saying Thomas

This is all about eating candy It doesn't really declare me straight or gay. This is all candy. It says Sour Patch Kids is tasting amazing to Thomas's burning tongue and creating amazing horrible burn on the tongue eating from Sarpatch Kids. Well, that doesn't really provide me any sexual information about myself. What if when you were, you know, you know the whole. controversy of like oh they're teaching kids about transgenderism and yeah being gay and you know

the gender spectrum what have you yeah what if you had a teacher who knew right off the bat like in a really detailed way yeah when you were a kid you know it was like hey you're going to experiment college um you're not or you're going to get married to a woman and wish you'd at least tried you know imagine being told that as a kid that would maybe I don't know if that would change your path probably not really yeah not really many ways to change a child's

well there's one big way to change a child's path but in terms of being a regular teacher who doesn't do anything nefarious one of the one of the reasons that I like was immediately skeptical of like your teachers are teaching kids about annual six and trans is that my health teacher did not know what those things were he did not he was the strength and conditioning coach for the baseball team he my i this is not to say that maybe some coastal elite schools don't have teachers that are like genuine health teachers but i went to a texas public school that did not have a lot of money and so like my health and wellness teacher was like uh yeah you goes in and goes out and baby come out And you can't be really doing that too much.

You get sick. There's a lot of types of ways you can get sick from doing that too much. One is AIDS. That's part of the most important one. And the other is going to be gonorrhea, also known as the clap. And then the other one is going to be syphilis. And basically, if you have sex a lot, you're going to have a baby, and you're going to have them three.

And so you better not be doing that. Also, blow jobs get the girl pregnant. So I just don't think, I really don't believe that any teacher, at like a low-income school They don't have a health teacher They just have a coach That also teaches health Because his degree is in exercise science

You know what I mean? Like they just make it passable I don't believe a teacher in the South Was being like This is the man's butt gland That makes him fucking feel awesome You know what I mean This is what this

A trans woman There's no nobody's doing that At least like below the Mason Dixon line Nobody's talking about butt pleasure Nobody's talking about fucking estrogen It's all a fucking farce. It's a ruse. It's not happening.

I remember we only had one that real SCD outbreak in our school. It was just between this one girl and her boyfriend. They just kept giving each other gonorrhea back and forth because they wouldn't stop banging. Yeah. And we kept having to hear about it. I remember like...

It was like one would clear up and then the other would give it back to them. And then it was like a relay type thing. I think there is like a good way to measure if you kind of grew into a better man and one of those is sometimes I think back about high school where like you'd hear a story of like yo you know Chloe and you'd be like yeah

and they'd be like Chloe is in the bathroom jacking guys off and you'd go nice but now I think about that and I go that's terrible that's no good like the stories of oh you know Amanda she's

she had sexes her boyfriend in the back through him and then she let another guy have sex with her two and you're like 14 and you're like that's awesome I can't wait for every day of my life to basically be that and then you get a little older I think a good judge of way to judge your character is those high school stories are really sad where initially you would be like oh the volleyball girl is playing with guys balls in the handicapped all the PE bathroom I got a head over there I still remember the first guy that got a blowjob at my school and we were gross out we didn't fuck with him after that.

Not even kidding. You were on that moral shit early then. No, no. You know, okay, I'll tell you what was weird. Because the girl told everybody that they were going to do it before, but she walked into the room and he was already fully nude. She got to his house,

and he was just sitting on his bed with his dick soft. Awesome. This is eighth grader penis soft. That's badass. She walked out of the room as well. home but um yeah no i mean we're pretty judgmental especially towards the girls that of course anything yeah of course um with guys and um you know hindsight's 20 20 or whatever um nowadays i hardly talk to high school girls at all so yeah things have changed a lot for me

I remember we were at my buddy Joseph Dong's house and he's Vietnamese and I hope so yeah and my buddy Aaron like cut off to go sleep with this girl he met the party and I walked upstairs to use the bathroom and he comes out with like his pants around his ankles and his like dick half hard and he was like I can't fucking do it I can't do it man I just can't fucking do it and I like look in the bedroom and the girl he was with

or whatever was like laughing and she's like putting her clothes back on and she walks out and she's like Aaron it's not a big deal or whatever the fuck and he's like I just can't do it and I go outside and they're like they're cool so I don't think anything bad happened right

and I was like yo like what's the deal and he's like Jake can I get a smoke and I'm like yeah and he's like bro, that was Joseph's sister's room and I was like oh yeah

I guess that's kind of weird and he's like well I mean like she's a grown adult or whatever but the parents had put a six foot

by six foot picture of her as a baby above the bed like a huge dude that was a really nice house in Houston

like his parents had a little bit of money I went in and saw it dude it was like six by six it was a perfect square huge picture of her as just a

chubby Asian baby like one of those that you get taken at the mall where the background is like blue carpet and she's on like a stool you know what I mean it's just hurt by herself and it was and I was like I went in there I was like yeah I mean he's like how the fuck is a guy supposed to get a fucking dick suck with a huge Asian baby above the fucking bed and his girlfriend's like I told him it's not a big deal like you know like whatever and then like Joseph comes outside I guess he heard he's like hey are y'all trying to suck dicks in my sister's room and he was like first of of all, I don't give a fuck if there's a picture of her. That's, that the picture of my sister is a baby, it's not the problem. Second of all, it's gross or whatever. And they were like, Joseph, it's not a big deal, but I, dude,

I was cracking up laughing because I was like, what's the fucking, it can't be that bad. Because I was, I was like, dude, I can't, like, it's got to be seriously bad. If I'm 19 years old and I'm drunk, that I'm leaving the room, that I was just getting my penis sucked, that I'm walking out. It's got to be crazy.

And sure enough, it was crazy. I tried to put myself in air in shoes. I tried to be like, uh, Let me see if I can work this out I went through a whole mental like fucking God damn What's the Sherlock Holmes fight scene

Of like you're getting your penis sucked There's a large picture of an Asian baby Six foot by six foot above the bed Do you continue to get your penis sucked And I came away with the saying No I don't think I can do it dude I just don't think it's fucking humanly possible at all And

The detail of it being an Asian baby Like that as a relevant part of why he couldn't do it It makes it sound like if it were a white baby Or like a black baby That he could have completed the mission He's like this wise He's like it's like an owl up there

This is a smart baby He's a wise little baby Yeah Pensive baby Well I'm trying to get my penis bunked Yeah It made me laugh really hard Because we would always have parties at his place

And I know good and goddamn well That people fucked in there So I know that there were some troopers amongst the friend group That were like One guy I'm thinking of in particular It was like, oh, it's sisters room I fucked in there plenty of times And I'm just

I know there are guys of the friend group back home That were like They looked up and they saw the Asian baby And we're like I gotta I gotta see it through my boy You know what I mean I just gotta fucking it is what it is player Like I don't know how you don't notice it off the rip

Maybe I'm a little bit too observant moments like that Like an animal Like I need to make sure the setting And if it's your room you can't be like, hey, can we move it? Right. Right, right, right. Yeah, you can't be like, hey.

Because it would be weird, even if it was like the same girl or whatever. Like, it was kind of weird. Yeah, yeah. I remember thinking like, yeah, like. Especially in the early stages, it's kind of weird to see. It's not like, I don't know, seeing the baby pictures. When you first start talking, it's kind of like. No.

Yeah, it's not weird like that, but it's kind of just like, I don't care. when you first first start talking a girl it's like no no like I don't yeah yeah yeah I don't care about that person oh man yeah yeah that's a good point I ever thought about that like there's a lot of details about a significant other that like when they become like a significant other yeah then it's like you know you go look at photo albums or whatever and you're like oh you know that's cool you know you see the whole all that you know family and all that but like it is funny i think like when you first start like talking to girls or whatever and like just the details about

it like when you kind of realize you don't like somebody that much then they you kind of realize when they share something that's like oh wait i kind of don't I don't care about you. I kind of don't care about that at all. Yeah, yeah. I remember a girl sending a picture of her family one time, and I was like, I don't think I, I don't think I'm going to meet them.

Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't seem like a lively bunch. I don't really, you know, you can keep that to yourself. I'm not, I'm not going wherever they live, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.

It's, you know, we don't need to, I don't need to know the rules of chess here. You know, we're just going to play checkers for a while. I remember I went over to my first, like, real girlfriend's house when I was in, like, eighth or ninth grade. And, uh, this is, like, more of my, like, uh, you know, like, uh, beer, uh, beer, uh, beer budget champagne tastes, like, being imprinted on me as a kid. But, like, I lived in a fucking piece of shit house that was, like, covered in dog shit and dog piss. Like, it's bad. I go over to her place and she's just kind of shoddy and messy.

Like, it's pretty, it's pretty white trashy. Like, I am, I remember thinking to myself, like, Yeah, I don't know if this is going to work out because, like, she's kind of, she's kind of a slob, and her parents are kind of nasty. Like, at home, there's actual piles of dog shit, like, in my bedroom, like, outside my bedroom, because my dogs are just shit everywhere, and I just, like, wouldn't do anything about it. And, but I remember being like, yeah, I don't think this is going to work out because she's really gross. And her parents seem really poor. I'm trying to, I'm trying to fucking get out of the mud, not get deeper into it, you see what I mean? Yeah, whenever.

you're i think this is like kind of a small town thing whenever you're like uh talking to this particular kind of girl and like her family keeps putting venison and stuff or whatever like oh i bet you didn't know there's venison in there uh yeah yeah stuff like that where you're like yeah yeah i think this is uh i think this is starting to peter out a yeah yeah or the or like the the uncle starts talking about how much he used to bench. Just weird shit like that. Like the third time you come around for a cookout and the uncle's like, yeah, yeah, I used to, I used to bench through 15.

And it's like, what? Like, nothing you do or say is going to stop the fact that I fingered this girl at a fucking while we listened to Wilco. Nothing, I don't care, man. I don't give a fuck. Like, this is game over. You know what I mean? Also, I don't want to hang out with you guys anymore and I don't really like this.

I don't like this girl because I'm 15 years old. I'm trying to mostly do kick-flip and drink 40s. You know what I mean? It was particularly frustrating for me in high school because I was also not having sex with these girls at all. I was not. I didn't even getting close. Yeah.

I was just hanging out. I could have been hanging out in the living room the whole time. Yeah, I would never go. There was nothing going. I was just putting in endless hours of work for no reason. I did that a lot too. I was kind of scared. I remember I was like,

sketched out at first. I was like, let's just sit in my room and listen to fucking seather. I would just put Seather CD on it. We'd just sit in my room

and fucking like look at the wall and not say anything. And then I like, I had a realization when I was like, oh, yeah, that's what that's what,

this is what's happening. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm actually like, okay, that makes sense. Whatever the fuck. And then, you know. And it was all downhill from there.

And then he went to bang town. Then I went to fucking posse yonca, bonca, bonca. Baca, boka, boka. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Trying to give your son or daughter the talk. Whenever, you know, you find a special someone,

probably that you go to high school with. And you really want to bonka, bonca, bonca, bonca, you have to be careful. Yeah. And you have to, first thing you need to know to do is let me know. Mm-hmm. And let me know all the plans, everything. And I'll help put together a sort of, uh, strategy for you and how we can maximize your performance maybe we could um get you doing

some cardio for a couple weeks before make sure your stamina is where it needs to be make sure that you're sleeping enough drinking enough water make sure you're that way we can make sure your libido is really high i'm in the room too for some reason and this is your uncle jake he's a master of libido master of bonca buca yeah yeah he can bonka bonka bonka better than any I know. He's a master of libido, a master of stamina. He has insane

Twitch fiber development. Twitch penis. His penis can bunkabunker amazingly. And if you're going to start going to public school, I know I've been keeping you at the compound for the last 25 or so years, but if we're going to send you to a proper elementary school

because I haven't been letting you speak to humans, so. can't really talk yeah you're gonna need to learn how to do this stuff right yeah i don't my mom my mom like when i was 13 14 she was like now if you need me to buy you condoms nice you just got to ask that's fine ever being like no like i think i'm good like or whatever uh and then when i did ask she was like no and i was like what the fuck you know what the fuck you know like what are we doing like what are we talking about also my mom was like 29 when she i remember when that whole thing when that started so i think she just like didn't you know what i mean she's

probably like ugh this fucking little creature this jackoff creature in my house eating my fucking food um warking it everywhere beating off yeah um i bet you were laying it down like a fucking stallion though no i wasn't i i lost my virgin you were I lost my virginity pretty early. Oh, it had to be amazing. No, it was pretty scary. It was pretty fucked up. You're just fucking, like, crazy.

I was fucking that little kid fucking the shit. I grew ladies. She was older. Yeah, that's just true. Yeah, that's just true. A bonka, bonka. A bunch of older ladies. A bunch of cougars.

It was like American pie. You're putting your penis in the ice cream, and they were licking it out. Yeah, yeah, it was pretty sick. They were playing Scootie. you on your wiena they're using the ruler to make it bigger and big glasses on it but they pussy on you you're like you're like giving the talk to you to your kid but but you're just like completely exaggerating any details yeah yeah yeah so what you're probably gonna want to do

is wear a fucking lab coat and have your dick big is fucking there and and basically whenever the shorty comes over, you use that shit to measure the heartbeat, and you do fucking crazy shit like a fucking doctor would. You know, doctors have the best sex. Yeah. So when you take the bra off it, that shit's going to jiggle so much, you might knock your ass unconscious. So you're going to want to take a step back when you take the bra off

and then you're going to make sure that your shit's fucking so wet that it fills up half of your jeans. You're going to want to make sure that shit It's damp. A breast is probably going to be huge and very shiny like a cinnamon bun. And your dick is going to be big and hard. It's shiny like a cinnamon bun. You're going to go. Everything's a cinnamon bun.

The whole thing's going to feel so soft like a cinnamon bun. And the booty's there. And you're going to be pounding all day just like you were pounding a cinnamon bun. And afterwards, you're going to taste it. It's going to be sweet. Just like a cinnamon roller. or cindler bun maybe. You're kids like, dad,

uh, you want to go to Cinebond or something? Or what, like, Oh, fuck. If you want to. By that, do you mean fuck a lady? I'm so hailedy.

Dad, do you want to go fuck a lady? Yeah. Mm. I think of all the things that I think I would never want to do is probably with my dad, probably get pussy. You know, my dad smoked weed together, drink a lot.

Yeah, that's a lot different. It's way different. Way different. Kind of one thing you can't really bring up to most people ever. Yeah, I was just thinking. Looking weed with your dad, you can kind of tell almost anybody that, and they'll either sympathize with you or think it's cool. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah.

I do. If my parents heard that, they'd think, oh, my God, he made it through all that. Yeah, yeah. Even though his father was a pot smoker. Yeah, yeah. I do know one comedian who claims that he, him and his dad were rescued. my brothers which

I don't yeah I don't know it's got to be pretty easy if your dad's a pedophile yeah yeah yeah me and the old man we were asking me we were Eskimo brothers

me and all the girls in my class actually was really sad my dad's a monster my dad's a crazy guy yeah we're Eskimo brothers with my

Oh, yeah. Wait, what? I lost that one. I didn't catch it at first. Hell yes. Yes, sir. That's very good. Very good.

Very nice. I like it. I love that. Oh, God. That's something I really like. I'm so tired. It's my villain voice. My villain club owner.

Thank you. I make the mind. with the clubs making the billion dollars so I'm just here to make sure that all the pipes are up to code so I really really need all that all the pipe pipeline to the monies dollars through the clubs nope gas all I care about no gas and water those are the two big things that's what I'm here for so expensive I cannot afford Well, you know, you can make it worth my while And I can make this all go away

You know, the kind of business is six For you? Yes, I have a million beautiful blonde woman I was kind of hoping it would just be from you It's even better I'll put on a red coat with rhinestones In red pants and red shoes with rhinestones as well Okay

There's no rhinestones on my redstone pants. It'd be too gaudy. Okay. What's your favorite type of sexual position to have with me, a billionaire? What is mine? Yes.

Mine is the money thrust. Oh, how does that work? Yup. Ah, well, give me a second. I'm not that good at improv. I actually am not very funny.

I am ghosting off I am ghosting off of Twitter. I am very, very, very, very, very, very confused off of mood stabilizers. And so I'm I think I went a little I got very sleepy.

Mood stabilizes, as you say. Yeah. More like dude. Dude stabilizer. This is your Stabilizer, speaking. Oh, hey, what's up? I need you to take a bunch of me and drive your car.

My new car? Your new car. Okay. Sounds good. Where am I going? You are going fast. Oh, no, no, of course. I like to go fast.

That's true. Where else? You must go to Sonic. Okay, yeah. And get the secret burger. Oh, what's on that? Money. Get all the money out of the car hop's money holder thing with the change.

Okay. And they should have a small blue bag with a zipper with cash. Use it to buy a rifle. Oh, now we're talking. See, this is what I was waiting for. I figured the adventure of the mood stabilizers would start talking like that. And then they would say something cool. So I'm glad you were able to get that sorted for me.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. Oh, baby. Oh, fuck. I went to Kia this morning, and they were to get my car looked at it, and they were like, I was like, yeah, I just bought it. And they were like, we don't care about that stuff, man.

I was like, this has been making the sound since I got the car. And they were like, it's kind of crazy how like once, I mean, this goes without saying, but like once they, once you purchase the car, there's a matter if warranty or not, they're like, yeah, man, we don't really like want to help you like at all. And I'll be like, well, I'm under warranty. And they're like, yeah, it's going to take like, the guy was like, it's going to probably would take like this problem. Probably going to take like two months.

And we don't have any loaner cars right then. I was like, oh, I was told if I ever needed anything, I could come by and get a loaner car. Like, you guys can fix everything for me, no problem. the service guy literally told me he was like yeah that's sales man we don't yeah that was that was just sales that's how they talk man we don't some of this stuff isn't under warranty

and I don't really have a longer to give you and this is probably like a month long job man so you ever meet somebody who like really doesn't want you to to give it to produce a sentence that would make it to where they have to do their job you know what I mean like they're trying to talk you into not letting them work

you know what I mean They're like, ah, you know, I could, but it would probably take me, what, it's nine, I work an eight-hour day, it would probably take me two hours, and then I would probably have to, like, file some paperwork or something, and then, oh, you know, so you probably don't want me to do all that, you know what I mean? You probably just want me to look at my phone in the bathroom and check off. Probably, that's what you probably look at boobies on my phone. Watch body, yadi, yada, Instagram's and check off on my phone. Like a fat Mexican does. He was a fat Mexican. That's just not me being stupid.

He was a fat Mexican guy. It looks like you have a car. I don't know what kind of car it is. He's like showing him all the paperwork. I don't know if this is your car or if there's something else. He literally was, I was like, here's the paperwork there I have the warranty. I'm supposed to have a full wrap warranty in the car. I paid for it.

and it was part of the deal that I paid and he was like yeah that put like he literally was like yeah but like like that's like it's like a sales thing like so like it's not actually covered like they just be saying stuff man and I was like oh so you're telling me that the dealership lied to me to get a sale and he was like no I was trying to be a dick back he was like so I was I bought a car under false pretenses and he was like nah but like it is gonna take me like two weeks

and like I don't really got a car for you brother I'm sorry anyway I actually like want to I want to hurt those people I fucking hate cars

I just hate car dealerships I want to kill everybody that's involved so you prom is this like some kind of taco or like is this some kind of sauce I cannot tell what this object is.

I think this object is maybe a... Is it a piece of salsa? Is this a chorizo? It's a black egg. Black? Is this a gray black egg? Is this an egg? The egg of black?

black egg de la negro there you go i did i was worried on how it will come out egg della negro i was worried about how the e sound was going to be yeah it's fine because i was listening to baseball radio

recently yeah and they say it different for the league that they had back on the day which they maybe should just retroactively call it the black league maybe instead of making the white guys guys say the other term

that's a little dated and I get that's what he was called yeah I don't think that was the name but also I mean you know but also sometimes it's okay to make the announcer say something funny

I don't think that that word is I mean I wouldn't casually say it but I think if you're talking about history I don't think it's bad I think it's probably fine I'm not saying it should be like illegal But like maybe there's something that rolls off the tongue a little better

Right right Maybe like the baller league The cool ass rhythm Oh my God I just heard an amazing baller spiritual They were singing and they were weeped They were they were seeing these These baller spirituals

I went to Bala church The other day Oh, the cracklings and the other food that they have that is normal. Anyway, dude, I want some pork cracklings. They sound good as fuck. And I'm not talking about the air fry, like the chip ones. I'm talking about the, you know, the pork fat that they deep fry, you get them in truck stops, actual cracklins, not fucking. You've had those before?

No, I've actually never had either kind. Oh, I said, Tichorones, but. Ticheronas is what I'm, like, pork rinds. That's basically. Right. Yeah, I've had. I've had Checheroons, but I don't think I've had them fried.

I think I've had them, like, in eggs, and I've had it... One time I got it in a cassidia, and it was really gross, because it was, like, a brain. Yeah, I'm telling... It was just fat as fuck, and I felt like I was going to throw up because it was so hot outside. I got this big-ass gas station pork penis or whatever. Yeah.

Oh, so you've had the gas station pork skins, or pork crap. I've had Checherones, but not, like... Yeah. Always in a Mexican context. Oh, okay. So I've never just eaten like crunchy. Yeah.

It sounds good. I'm trying to eat a little less red meat nowadays, but it sounds some health conscious ish. Yeah, pork cracklins are one of those things. It's like that's, it's too much of a fat food. The South should not be able to make shit like that, but it is good.

I mean, it's just pork fat that's deep-fried and pork fat. I started talking about fried pork and I started wheezing. Yes, sir? That's how you know you're doing good Power Cheetah wrong I haven't had a moment like this With the show in a long time

I think it's because I'm really sleepy But I was like Man That was a great hour Let me start plugging And uh nope This is our new car The Nissan

Cheecho wrong That's a four-seater It's got a twin turbo 17 cylinder engine The interior is all tortilla chip It's crunchy It's crunchy inside So it's coffee

Crunchy equals comfy If the car is not crunchy The seat is not comfy Mr. Canello Alvarez We asked you about your upcoming fight with Bud Crawford I wanted to ask you to clarify Do you think he's the best pound for pound the best boxer

you've ever faced I think you get a few pounds of the cana yassara you get a few pounds of the canitas maybe you get a few pounds of the poil for the you know

for the kids or whatever I don't eat that much chicken whenever I cook but it's still good if you're right Kenello hiring a fat guy who kind of looks like him to do all of his media day stuff

a pound for pound A few pounds of food. A few pounds are different. Different foods. Maybe a few pound cake. Yeah. Pound for pound cake. Canello over here.

Canello, a question for you. What do you think you learned the most from your loss to Floyd Money, Mayweather? Money. Money is good, man. You get a few piece of dollar, a few pesos, maybe buy. I don't know, uh, floor, uh, you drop your food on the floor. It's no good, man. Get me pissed off, man.

It's like a, got the whole bacon cake on the floor the other day, man. It was pissed off all the bacon and icing went everywhere, bro. It was like a 500-pound Mexican dude. I like to put a lot of fried eggs in a pinata and poach it in the backyard. And when I break it open, me and my keys eat it off of the ground. So maybe, yeah, like maybe something like this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, Canello don't even come to his own event day. He got to bring his fat-ass friend, Carmelo. Yeah, so what I like to do to train is I will dig a big hole and put a pig in there. and to get the pig out to get a taste of it to see how it tastes and maybe how it's eating it.

I have to punch the ground to punch out the pig and then I punch all pieces of the pig for me and my children to eat my, my, my ninos. Uh-huh. I have my little son.

His name is Carnito. Carnito. Carnito. Carnito. Little pork. my daughter Modelita

This is Chip brand I do believe I think No she's She's like Modelo but tiny Modalita Okay gotcha And my other My beautiful wife

Her name is Chicharona Oh beautiful She is huge And disgusting She is so big. I do not like to look at her. Do you want to see a picture of my big disgusting wife? Do you want to see? I have a picture

of my wife as my wallpaper, but I could not zoom out far enough so it is just her stomach. It is just her stomach and the top of her shirt, the bottom of her shirt and her stomach and the top of her jeans. It is a huge

picture. Did I ever tell you? I mean, maybe he told you, but Ben, we have a buddy named John. Kind of a, he's sober now, but kind of like a wild tweaker man. He's a park ranger. He's a park ranger out there in West Texas.

And, yeah, just, you know, drives his truck out in the desert. He just drives his truck out in the desert. He's a cowboy Dan from modest mouse. He's just fucking shoot guns in the sky and get all messed up and go crazy. But anyway, Ben was telling me that, him and John, they grew up in West Texas, and they wanted to, they like watch their neighbor cook a pig in the ground, like a pig roast where you dig the hole and, you know, you have the hole in the side that's like the air, basically like the carburetor, and you start a fire down there and you roast a pig in the ground for like eight hours. You know what I mean? Like basically you make an oven out of the dirt, you know what I mean? And I've seen Mexicans do it. It's something that Hispanic guys are really good at.

so ben and john get this idea man that they want to go they want to do it but they don't consult any mexicans they don't ask any mexicans at all because they're like i think they were drunk i think ben and jay were like day drinking if i'm telling the story i'd have to ask ben next to him but they were day drinking they were like dude we should do a fucking pig ross and john was like i love that idea let's go get a fucking whole pig from the michaacana down the roads they they drive drunk the mishuacana get to pig they get the coals they get the spice the pig wasn't even fucking like gutted it was just a pig body that was like not feel dressed in any way or not dressed it wasn't gutted it didn't have its fucking ears chopped it was just a dead pig that you were supposed to fucking strip and you know what I mean and so they they realize then they get they go to this one of their friends backyard and they like invite a bunch of people over it's like 11 in the morning and they realize that they actually don't know what they're doing but they've been telling people they're going to do a pig roast like all the Mexicans do.

So they dig a big hole on the ground and they're like, how are we going to fucking, you know what? The Mexicans just dig the hole in the ground. They throw the coals in there and they throw the pig body in there. And then eight hours later, it's a fucking beautiful rose pig. And so they wrapped a pig in a bunch of tinfoil. They throw like two bags of charcoal down there and they fucking douse it with lighter fluid. Throw the pig body in there.

And they just kind of covered up with brush and they just keep drinking. And then like, it's like 7 or 8 p.m. people like, hey, is that pig done roasting it? Ben and John, like, oh yeah, I bet so, dude. So they uncover the pig. It just stinks, dude. It just, like, it clears out like at the party. It just fucking stinks, dude. And they fucking, they're like, wow.

And immediately, I think it was John. It was like, we did not do something right here. We fucked up. But they're like, you know what? Maybe that's just the smell of good pig is like decayed and like rot. Well, they had like obviously not got the temperature right. It was probably like 100 degrees in the hole, which is just basically they just like, like, expedited. I had to decomposition.

So they're like, they're going to pull the pig out. It's just falling apart, dude. Like this tinfoil pig blood, like pig intestines. One side of the pig is just burnt black as night like carbon. And everybody's like, what the fuck?

I thought y'all guys do how to do this. And they were like, wow, I mean, it's probably the wrong pig. We just got the pig was too small. We got a bigger pig next time. Because it'll clean,

it'll cookies on both sides. I just think that it's so goddamn. I'm funny. Like, you don't ask what you live in West Texas. You don't ask one. Mexican, one Hispanic guy, hey, when you guys cook the pig in the ground?

Like, what's the secret sauce to that? They just fucking went after it, and they basically just, like, put a pig in a quick decomposition chamber, wrapped in tinfoil, and they just made it the pig destroyers. Dude, it went from a fresh, recently killed pig. You probably could have just left that pig in the car, and it would have been not as decomposed as it wasn't that hot

hole. Like, they just quickly decomposed it and ruined it. They were surprised how quickly it was rotting. And I was like, yeah, you put it in a hundred degree hole for eight hours. I kind of want to do know how they do it. That's the question. How do you cook a pig in a hole? How to cook pig in a hole.

Boom. In England, toad the hole refers to a dish me with sausage. No, motherfucker. I don't give a fuck about. what a bunch of British motherfuckers are doing. How to cook pig in the ground. Cooking a pig in the ground also called an emu or earth oven. A traditionalist of these various cultures.

I'm not going to read all this shit. Anyway, they fucked it up. Why are there a bunch of white motherfuckers massaging this pig? It's a YouTube video and they're doing chops on its body. It's a fucking bloody pig body. Rip. God damn. Now I want to fucking roast.

Maybe tenderizing it? Yeah, I want a roasted pig. Big, bad. A piece of pork. I don't really eat pork no more. I'm going to do that with a chicken. I'm going to bury it like 20 feet in the ground. It's like one bag of charcoal down there.

It's like a whole live chicken. All right, guys. Next couple hours, let's dig out this chicken. Everybody's trying to find it. Are you barely like 50 feet? Yeah, in the ground. I'm going to cover it. I'm like, fuck, this was my mouse I was cooking.

You're like over like 100 people. Yeah. Everybody's very hungry. You're teasing everyone. You're like, if you want dinner, you've got to find the hot chicken. You've got to find the chicken in the ground. I'm not going to tell you. Dude, we came over to Thomas's, and he said he was going to roast chicken for us.

We're excited, you know. He pulled it out of the ground, and it had feathers on it. It was, like, kind of breathing, I think. It was screaming. It was black, and it was screaming. It would be funny if you dug up the pig, and it was clearly. a horse you've been cooked like a dog

yeah oh fuck this is my uncle this is my I've been cooking my niche no my god fuck this is me just pull a lifeless Thomas out of the ground

you're delicious everybody's like yay I'm gonna eat my penis I'm going boss first Everybody's seeing my ass Everybody's going to have chibble on my butt Oh my goodness

Yes sir Yes sir yes you That's stupid I would never do anything like a big fat guy That moves around a lot would be best Have some nice marbling Oh yeah like a fat strong guy Like one of those

Like a power lifter maybe Yeah Or it's like a tire shop owner Yeah. You know, so it could be like a nice waggo type of situation. I hear, I don't hear, I've only read accounts online from maybe

fake pedophiles that taste like pork. That was like a big, edgy teenager kid thing is to go on the deep web and read the quote unquote cannibal forums where he'd be like, dude, this guy was talking about how he chopped up a guy ate him. And he'd be like, yo, that's crazy. And I never knew if it was real or not.

I think a lot of the stuff on the deep web, they say is real as fake. Like hiring a hitman or... I know the red rooms are real. Those are for sure real. You can watch that stuff if you want. Not that I have ever watched it, but you can't. A red room, and that's a room that's completely red. Correct.

I got a red room. I can't remember what a red room is. It's a room where people are killed. on live on camera on live television and you get to watch and be killed like snuff film types yeah but it's like live it's supposed to be like a live

live feed that's kind of cool yeah you know different strokes for different folks I would only want to watch people die of natural causes maybe just like a hospice webcam there's nothing like watching a guy get hit by a train I don't actually want to

today I was in traffic in my co-work I was like in like the type of traffic where you really have to be paying attention and my co-worker just is like Thomas you have to see this and it's it was a roller coaster falling apart and everybody getting crushed I was like okay thank you

I'm trying to I'm actively trying not to hit a cyclist right now but I not out of a sense of rage out of it's under like I'm one one bad video away from hitting a cyclist I think like working a blue collar job really is kind of like being an eighth grade lunch forever.

Only everybody has tattoos and DUIs. Yeah. Guys. Without all the fucking eighth graders. We got to put a moratorium on Thomas's pedophile stuff for the time being. No more. That's okay. I like it when you do it.

What if I just grabbed Hank's tail? and I just yanked on it and I just showed it to you. He just ripped it clean off. That'd be kind of dope. Hey, come here, Hank. Come here, boy. Come here, Papa. Hank.

My favorite, the one thing I miss about this current job is I don't have an old white coworker who randomly claims to have a huge dick without anybody ever asking about it. He does. What? I've had a lot of jobs before I've had like an old, very red coworker, like just who would just talk about having a big ass dick. yeah when people would not bring it up very nice at my last job i had a guy named mike who would be like yeah my wife loves my 10 inches oh yeah i'd be like dude that's fucking huge yeah you're fucking cock is so huge can i suck on it yeah of course yeah i would always

give him shit i'd be like dude i bet she has amazing female orgasms he'd be like yeah she fucking does i'd be like dude i bet you hit it from every position probably got her soaking wet. You guys that he's ever do anal? He's like all the fucking time. He's like, he's like,

and we fucked her best friend together. We had a threesome. And I came in her best friend when we had the threesome. I was like, dude,

that's so fucking high. That's awesome, yeah. She's so fat. Oh my God. That's awesome. She's so fat and fucking weird. I love how high

your blood pressure visibly is. He was like, he was like almost purple and one time he was like yeah doctor said I got state three high pretension

high blood pressure I got to take medication and my boss who was just tired of him complaining just goes yeah I mean you're you're fucking purple I don't know what you thought was going on

very nice that's awesome that's so sick yeah you have to give those guys like if you tell them to stop talking like that they're going to think

they're going to call you gay forever so yeah you're going to have to be like dude I bet she was fucking squart and fucking throw it up on it every day yeah I had a guy one time be like dude it's so hot whenever girls posts the videos where they have a watermelon between their legs

and they're crushing it and we're all like I'm not even trying to be like that guy but I don't know I actually don't know what you're talking about yeah he's like no like all the vine videos where it's just girls exploding watermelons between

their thighs? I don't think I don't think we've got the same algorithm. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. My algorithm is amazing. It shows me fantastic science experiments. Sorry, everybody. I'm fucking I'm starting to get fucking goopy.

That's okay. We don't have to do a full hour if you don't want to. I mean, we've still had an entertaining episode. I just fucked out. I haven't I haven't had to, like, take medication a long as time, so I kind of forgot. Yeah, I mean, prep is important. It's not a big deal. And I feel like more people should be open about it, honestly.

Slinky Spider, he's slinky, he's slinky. A, legs, he's small. A, stinky, stinky. This episode has been brought to you by Slinky the Spider. eight-legged menace reeking havoc upon every town of America causing horrible panic creating an amazing disease and wiping out millions

I'm sorry I didn't want to play any music on this episode because I wanted to just get the audio file that it's just us and I don't have to mix anything so I'm not going to I'm very tired so I'm not going to make that one okay does somebody get bit by the sleeping book Somebody got bit by the Jake's getting sleepy And I am going to

Get him You remember that old Just being at work You know that old Lullaby your grandma used to sing That goes Everybody's going to get sleepy Everybody's going to get

grabbed Everybody's going to get tired Everybody's going to get grabbed you're that song you falling asleep is causing me to kill

you getting killed by family member remember that song yeah yeah grandma sing me my favorite lullaby okay sweetie

snug in your bed that's when I start to squeeze snug in your sheets that's when and I start to hurt. We can't afford to have another baby, so we will kill you and eat all your snacks.

Dad brought his friend over. He was in the Marines. He already kind of had to do some stuff like this, so just go right to sleep, and Uncle Danny will come through your window and then he will make you very comfortable for the rest of your life. Candy tastes so good. Eminem's and ice cream.

Using the Twizzlers to create amazing taste. Fantastic flavors like Twix and Snickers Pay Day. Oh, that's amazing. Several flavored tastes. It's a If it was grandma Candy Mm

Yep Let me know what to think of that one guys God damn I'm just in here fucking Here's what your grandma Would sing to you now If she was Gen Z

Okay Mr. La Boo Pooh loves us do by chocolate drinking ice coffee with the machia yeah

goes to Dubai and he likes to go to the raves but only if it's macha or if it's la boo-poo anyway if you're listening to this please head on over

to patreon.com slash pendejo time subscribe to the show sorry everybody I'm fucking I'm tired I got I got to take some new stuff and make me sleepy Hank Roofie Jake so he can take advantage

over while he's asleep It's very sad Thomas roofed me That's where I'm so sleepy on the show Yeah tosses a little bit of cheese And we're going to give you guys Awesome new contents

$5 a month because you access to bonus episode 10 against you access to videos episode There's a bunch up There's one up And I'm really happy with Happy about was with the guys For a room party shout out those boys

Thanks for having me on tour It was a great run If you guys came to those shows if you're a lemon party or Padeo Time guy. Thank you for coming. Love you guys all very much. It was a blast. Speaking to tour, head it over to linktree.com

slash Pendejo Time if you're in Milwaukee, Chicago, or Detroit, September 25th, 26, and 27th. And please buy those tickets, please. Tickets are pretty good for all cities, but we want to sell out. We've got about a little less than two months. So make sure you're getting those motherfucking tickeyones. All right.

I don't have any stand-up coming up. any big shows, I don't think. So, yeah, all right, that's about it for me. Okay, doke. Peace. Bye-bye.