Pendejo Time - sludge monster

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

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I think this time. I think my audio should be normal. I'm doing a pre-check. We're good. We're rocking. Feel that beat, and we can ride the brigade. Feel that beat tonight. What if you were taking a pee?

We've taken a piss and a really cool black guy, the coolest black guy you've ever seen in the world. And he's got on a pair of amazing jeans. And he goes, he got there's there's 32 there's 32 urinals and he gets the only one next to you and he goes would you have the strength

and the power to challenge him in that moment or would you succumb and let yourself be held be let your body be ravaged by him I would succumb instantly and his his word would be bond when it came to my body 100% yeah I was singing the same thing I would say peace is to God

and let him go fucking crazy beast mode all up into my insides. I would have, I would have, my insides would be looking like, they would be looking like the green

Kool-Aid wings by the time he was done with me. Yeah, my shit would look like a strawberry short cake. My, the inside of my throat will be looking like one of those pineapples that's dipped in the, in the stuff.

Man, that's been taking the world by storm and I thought that maybe that was like a, rage bait thing we've been watching the candied pig ears and all that for years you want me to get mad at people eating regular food i've been watching fucking fried koolet dolphins on instagram for a long time now yeah i see videos out of southeast as they're frying an entire horses and fucking white rhino horn yeah i don't fucking in a henny in a henny calada glaze yeah i've been watching videos of

fucking lout laocean dudes cooking an entire fucking brand new horse calf. And I'm not really freaking out about people. People, now the one thing I can't get behind is people are taking the Kool-Aid thing a little too wild. I think I'm also just doing it for content,

but I saw Kool-Aid sardines. I think maybe you sent me that. Or maybe somebody sent me that. I think that's probably a joke, but if it's not, stop. I watched the video. You sent it to me at the end,

she says, and then throw them in the trash. Oh, okay. See, I just immediately got... I watched it all the way through, and I already knew that created very well personally. Oh. Through business dealings. But, yeah, you know, not speaking for myself, but with how unhealthy a lot of other Americans are nowadays, I just look at these people doing this, and I think, God, imagine what they, you know, the health problem,

I seem to have, they're so obvious. Yeah. It's like a giant, you know, elephant in the room with these people where, you know, they're not walking well, they're not breathing well. But when you switch to, when you switch to an elevated lifestyle, like we have Jake, and you just kind of start to stop and learn when it comes to everything you see. Why are you breathing like that? Why are you breathing like that? Truthfully, I'm not. I've added it.

In post, we've added an effect. That makes it seem like I am... Having an asthma attack. Good thing is that I'm not. Well, I know when I texted you. Do you really think I would be too lazy to get up and grab an inhaler in a situation like that? You think I would just act like it wasn't happening? You sound like a turbo on an old fucking Subaru, dude.

He's like a fucking... He's like a fucking turbo in a four-banger. think it's distracting. If I'm being completely transparent, I don't think it's distracting. I'm listening. At first I thought there was like a fan oscillating in the room, and I was like, dude, what, what do you have?

No, no, I don't use, there's no fans. There's no, there's no air circulating right now. There's no airflow in the room. It's just, he! Windows closed, no fan. Yeah.

Door closed for better sound. You also told me you were ripping pen pretty much all day and looking at stuff. Um, not. all day. I'm stooped in my mouth a little bit. Just, you know,

part of the part of it. Yeah. But at this point, instead of really having any effect on me, I just kind of become a monster, the sludge monster. And sludge monster doesn't really

do a very good job of anything. Doesn't do chores. Sludge monster's always happy. Sledge monster, very happy to look at phone and wheeze. Yeah, just not very good at everything, anything, but I am happier than I've ever been in my life. Yeah.

I'm not really a savant outside of you. I'm not like a good boyfriend or a partner, and I'm not really good at my job, but when I hit pin all day, it becomes sludge monster. Not quite fireable, not quite break up with a bull. Yep, but I am happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I'm very happy. I feel like a minion. A banana

I'm the sludge monster I'm the happiest I've ever been and my name is sludge monster I'm 600 pounds 645 my blood is mostly honey barbecue

sauce um I enjoy I have a salt collection I like drawing ant hills I like sledding I don't get a chance to sled very often but it's probably my favorite thing to do

pretty much any Hey I'm Johnny Knoxville And this is the newest newest member of the jackass crew Say hello Say hello to everybody Slutch Monster Hey

Hey You gotta stop dude I'm not doing anything I'm not gonna do that day You just get you an inhaler dude I don't know. I think it's at work. We have a whole hour.

I don't need something like that with me. That frequency people are, it's not going to pick up for people. See, did you hear that just now? No. You're doing chocolate rain right now. I got to let the people know.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing chocolate. I'm doing chocolate rain in the toilet. I'm making mud, brother. I'm on the toilet. That's what I'm wheezing.

It's because I shit out of my lungs. Sludge monster here. Sludge Monster out I quit the show Hey what's up this giant I'm quitting this fucking show I'm sludge monster I was about to be introduced Not

I'm not doing that shit It's Hollywood bullshit Hey we got sludge monster on the On the fucking trash talking stink man pod Here to tell us about all the jackass five drumma So why'd you quit the show Sludge Monster I never fucking agreed to be on this podcast In the first place what the fuck am I doing here

Where's my phone What the fuck Where's my girlfriend Where's my girlfriend Sweet onions I gotta go Be bad at my job soon I don't know how the fuck I even got here

I'm a tractor trailer I'm a CLM compartmentalizer I'm a cellar You're staring at the CLM compartmentalize your Tractor trailer and The husband of sweet onions So give me my phone Get me out of here

first name sludge last name monster you're gonna last first name sludge when I listen music it's a type of a concert yes oh man

that's why the show is getting bigger and better every week we'll make more money than I thought possible when I listen to music it is that good is that concert Yeah. Don't you like the The, uh,

little Wayne is in like Amazon commercials now. Have you seen those? What is that? Little Wayne is in like a series of like Amazon Alexa commercials. And he'll be like, Alexa. What's the song about how gangsters move and silence? Yeah.

Hi, Lil Wayne. Here's the answer to your question. You're the greatest rapper of all time. Thank you You think his money's that fucked up Or you think he just He's like I know he's got

I think his money is that fucked up Yeah Okay okay yeah I know he made a lot of it But I'm like Yeah I think Birdman stole a lot of it also Yeah that's true

And I think also Um He's a heroin addict Heroin addict Hero I just thought he was I thought well I guess He got caught with heroin And like two

gold desert eagles like a year ago. Oh, okay. That's such a funny. Because they don't really make that much Yeah. Like if you were a big lean guy back in the day, it's kind of.

Yeah, pickings or swim. I mean, I haven't attempted to. No, it's a drought. It's more than a drought. It's like, yeah. I was about to be like, bro, if you're trying to get actual,

bro, even getting Tris now, I was like, bro. No. The last time, straight up to last time I had real lean was when I got it from the fucking doctor like this was I was in college this was like 10 years ago

I was like that's and anytime I've like people have been like oh I've got it since then I'm like this is just like green syrup and fucking crad and powder or whatever it's just something else entirely I don't believe I got but I got this shit straight from the doctor I think I told the story on here it didn't even give me fucked up

because at that time I was doing helen morphine. So I drank like a fucking, I drank like four lines with some fucking jollia. What's it, Guaf, Guaf, Steffinerson.

So that's the shit that's like the expectorant that they've been putting in it is a deterrent to get people to stop people from drinking it because if you drink too much coiffinishing, you puke. It's kind of like old heads will know this. Keyboard Cleaner when they started adding a bitter

agent. It took a very bitter taste. So you go to do keyboard cleaner in your mouth immediately through. fills with this very bitter chemical. And no, he didn't say bitter Asian. People always ask, can you say that? A bitering agent.

So, yeah, Guafinisan, but I don't think the shit I had. Maybe it did have the Guafin. I don't remember. But I do remember that I mostly gave a lot of it to my roommate or sold it to him. Because I had, like, 60 pills of Dilaudid and, like, 100 Vicodin and in a fucking sack. Now, I was chomping on them motherfuckers all day and watching Ed and Eddie, like a goddamn, like a real sludge monster. like a real fuck it how many jaw how much can we

fuck it up how bad can we fuck everything up you know what though I'm happy I was thinking about that like a lot lately sometimes I have to like I have to externalize and have to vocalize my uh

how much I hate not doing pills and fucking powders sometimes I think I'm like dude man I miss being the sludge monster I miss being fucking fat as fucking fucking nothing working I'm not good at the thing I'm probably the worst

It's so fucking sick. It's so awesome. Nobody expects anything from you. The only thing that they really expect you to do soon as die. And that kind of puts you in a dope-ass position because, like, like, I totally, in the metamorphosis when Gregor turns into the bug and his family walks in and they're like, ah, fuck, you're a bug. And then, like, the next page, they're like, we've got to get jobs. I feel like, sometimes I feel like I wasn't the bug when I was fat as fuck. And now that I have a life and I have a little bit of fucking cheese,

I have, I feel like now I've turned into the bug. You know what I mean? I'm like, I got shit I got a handle now. Whereas when I was a fucking loser, if you're a loser, nobody asked you for help. If you're the sludge monster, nobody goes up to a 600-pound green sludge monster and goes, yeah, let me hold a dollar. You know what I mean? Nobody fucking does that to sludge.

He's unreliable. Him and Sweet Onions got fucking shit to do. He works at the CMP comptroller at Tractor Trailer. That one was crazy. You literally sounded like an F1, like, passing. That in post, none of that is even going to be there. And I would be willing to bet quite a bit of money on that. If you expect me to pull anything in post out, you have got another thing coming.

I have left people's names in here that I should not have left in. Well, people are going to come. People are going to listen to this and they're going to be in the comments like, Jake, you really overreacted to that like crazy and you sounded crazy you sound crazy you sound like a crazy person yeah like you took a snort of crazy drugs dude uh what did you smoke a crazy cigar before filming was today Thursday dude I haven't showered since Monday I'm on some fucked up shit dude I'm on some fucking dude we are happy and we are fucking brushing our teeth dude we are doing so good

I don't know what the fuck's going on. Probably a lot of anxiety-inducing my tragedies in a short amount of time, like always. But, dude, I fucking, I was just, this sometimes happens. You're a clean guy. But, like, sometimes this happens to me. I'm house trained. Yeah, your house train. I'll put it like that.

I'm house trained. I'm not really. Yeah. You know. I'm a sick part. I'm left of my own devices. I'm, I do. I do shower.

He shower regularly. You brush your teeth, normal style, usually. I just like to take my pants off and then leave them on the floor. I like doing that. Yeah, me too. I was sitting watching fucking Wolverine and Deadpool

like a fucking chud. And I was like, what is that smell? Somebody fucking, who the fuck is deep frying? It smelled like fried, like solid, like, like trash. It smelled like it. It smells

like french fries and like brown trash water. And I'm like walking around my apartment. I take the trash out, Thomas. I take trash out. I put a new liner in. And I fucking spray in the kitchen. Because right before we had to go to Houston for

the emergency for emergencies, I had made a fuck ton of steak. So we kind of left. So I was like, okay, there's probably old meat stink in the apartment. And the trash is here. So I fucking throw the trash out and I clean the cast iron. Give it a good scrub.

and I sit down and then fucking 20 minutes goes by and I still smell fried stink. You know what it is? It's me. I pull my shirt up into my fucking nose is me because I've been eating fucking hell of pizza and french fries and I have not bathed myself coming up on five business days. And if you're like, that's gross, that's gross. Why are you talking about that? That's gross. This is my show and this is my real ass life.

If you have a problem with that, fucking don't listen. Go listen to the fucking. Two Girls Kissing and Buying Shoes podcast With your host With your host Carlita Cui And Tony Demone

I don't give a fuck I sometimes My gums bleed For fucking a month Until I get the right toothpaste You know what I mean Sometimes I got boogers Sometimes I got fucking

But But crust And nut cheese You know what I mean but Jake you have a so you have people live with you should take care yourself hey check this out she's locked in now

I got her ass she can't go nowhere we picked up a marriage license last week she's fucked she can't you ever you ever you ever trap a bitch you ever trap a bitch you ever trap one me neither

I'm just kidding yeah a bunch of them in Norway I'm a Yotun. What's the, what's, what's, what's, what's, I'm a yo ton. Yeah, what's the damn name for damn giant in Norwegian? I think it is Yotan. Yo ton, feel good, hell, my boss.

Yo ton feel good. Your tongue feel good at my, and I don't pay, yeah, what's, hell, my boss. Yo tongue feel great and I don't pay rent here no more. I can't, yeah. I had to fucking, oh, man, me, my boss. It's Norway or the floor way. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep that, keep, keep your ton on my nuts and keep paying my rent. Well, I keep trying to figure out. Keep your foot on the pedal and your tongue on my nuts. My name ain't the sludge monster. Yo. Well, my name ain't my fucking sludge monster. Well, my wife's name ain't sweet onions. Oh, Sludge.

Thank you for coming home for Christmas. It's been so long. And who's this lovely lady you're bringing into our end of the Sludge family home? Oh. This is sweet onions. She, well... She sure has a lot of blood blood in her body. She's red.

Yep. She went to the same high school I used to go to. Okay. And wow, she has the longest legs I've ever seen. What are they? Nine stories tall? Yep. She could barely get into that. Same nine stories as our high school, finally enough. I can't believe she... The college high school in our town.

I remember I met your daddy. He was only about 500 stories tall. and he, oh, he wasn't even that green then. He's maybe like a yellow. Anyway, sludge monster, I hate, I hate being your mom, and I hate being a part of your family. Come here. Hey. I'm going to take away you.

Okay, here it comes. The sludge monsters are known to kiss each other, and the mothers are known to kiss their sons. And while many in the animal, to my frown opponent, it is coming in the sludge monster family. Yeah, I'm sure I fucked up animals. That's who they get when David

at Burrow dies. I just say, fuck it. Just get an old piece of shit from like Arlington. You know, that'll be good for a history channel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, guys, we're looking for a bunch of fucked up old stuff.

I just get a dude from Odessa. We can find, guys. Get a guy from Odessa. Yeah. I'll see what they got in this year of bar for. We're tearing down. It's just at the pawn shop, tweaking, like, sweating. Yeah, that's, uh, oh, I got a fender.

Sorry, I fall asleep alive. That's gold. That's gold boo-ion right there. It's just, it's chicken boo-y. It's just like chicken boo-yard. You guys, gold cube. Gold Cube. Welcome to History Channel's new show.

New show. I pawn everything to fuck my life up. My name is Terry Terry Jerry And I just came here down to The All Star Pond Shop On Odessa, Texas with some gold bouillon Uh, hi, hey Terry

It's Brad Um I see you got the cameras here I'm not sure how that worked out for you Yeah, you were always jealous for me Because we went to Haskell and I got all pussy And you lived alone In a fucking hole in the ground

It's not true I run my dad's pawn shop in out there Um What do you got for me today man You said you got some gold bullion. Is that true? Yeah. All right, Terry, let me take a look.

Terri, this is chicken bouillon. Well, let me see the second cube, just to confirm if I am being tricked by my arch nemesis from high school, Terry Jerry. That ain't no trick, man. This one's, that one's cheek. That one's Cheekin. That's from Cheekin China. That's gold bouillon. The second one, actually, I'll address the cameras here.

You guys are with the hit. That's pirate law. This is History Channel. I would like to say the first cube was chicken bouillon. Second cube, actual gold bullion. So we can do business on the second cube, obviously. Terry, but obviously the first cube I will not accept as it is a spice. I must have got my cubes mixed up.

That's all right. I happen to the best of us. The other one is supposed to be fake. Not the first one. Terry, let me get this on the scale, and then we can get you out of here. Because I'm going to be honestly, Terry, I'm very happy for you to have your own TV show,

but you made my life a living hell in high school. All right, and I'd like a flag. Okay, we got... I'd like money for that from you. Okay, so I weighed the bouillon up. I've created a new flag. I've weighed the booion out, Terry. $650 market rate, cold hard cash.

As far as the flag goes, you said that you... I've made a flag. For Amarillo. Well, the first thing. It is a human boy completely skinned. Hung from an upside down cross. It's a real picture. Yep.

It's a real picture of you. This is right here. See, this is a picture of you when you're a good. It's a new flag of Amarillo. It's a picture of you skin down to your butt cheeks hanging upside down on a cross. I've already talked to the mayor and everything. It's sorted. Yep.

New flag for us. Now hold on a minute, Terry. How did you find, first of all... You have three hours to hang this up in your yard. If you don't have a flagpole, you'll be allowed an additional hour to install a flagpole. Terry.

Terry, first of all... Yes. Why, I do not... I do not accept the new flag of Amarillo, and I'm not legally required to unless... Denied. Motion denied. Unless I am missing. Now, the people of the History Channel are telling me

that it is a new law okay and he owe me $70 for the gold I did pay you $650 are you saying that you would like $70 more dollars

for the gold frankly I didn't realize you'd paid me already that's okay I'm okay with the amount you paid me is this much more than I thought gold was

yeah Terry I thought what gold he went off the sides that's why I made it a cube no I understand it is a dense six six sides of a cube not eight

eight would be a slightly different shape which I've also invented an octa heat it doesn't matter anyway Tara doesn't matter frankly it would be frankly they could do whatever shapes they have now with all the models

Terry where did you get this picture of me what hung upside down on a cross-flamed skin of my little boy pecker out Why'd I have a feeling you were going to ask me that Mm-hmm Why don't have a feeling you're going to ask me something like that when I started to do that picture Well, seeing as I remember that day pretty fondly, well, not fondly. I remember it vividly is the word.

I didn't know you were taking pictures that day. Let's not make up words, Fond, Vivide, whatever you say. Fawn Vivod is my father. I appreciate you. Anyway, yeah, I'll hang this up. I'll get it. I got a flag, Paul. Take down the Texas flag and the American flag and the prisoners of war flag and the Confederate flag.

And I'll hang up this big old picture of me naked on a cross upside down my skin. Don't take down the prisoners of war. Okay, I'll keep that one. They're still out there. They are. They're still in Vietnam. And they're still alive. They're still alive.

We have a chance to save them. We did not kill them. They weren't a complete fabrication in the first place. This is not a fake, made-up flag. For a fake made-up thing. If you think what, what do you think, what is you think, seriously, the government would use dead soldiers as political bait. Come on.

That didn't happen, thankfully. There's some things that just don't happen in this country, and that's one of them. Yeah, yeah, so basically, the Powell MIA thing, I just wanted everybody to know is that it's really not real at all. But I will keep the flag up to honor those who were shot and tortured in Vietnam as they deserved.

And the Americans, don't get me wrong. I'm woke and I'm, and I'm very, very... I know this is a slightly unwoke opinion, but I wish we had killed everybody in Vietnam. Now, I know I might get a little heat for saying this. I know I might get some pushback for this. I might...

And some of it might be justified, but I wish that was a big part. a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I wish if you were to look at Vietnam from a satellite, it would just be a gray yellow striped block. Yep. They could just make it ocean.

Look. But I'm getting a little long win in anyway. I want to thank you guys for this Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award. Terry, it means a world to me. It's been a pleasure having you in the Pond Shop, and I hope that your show goes good. What's the show on the History Channel called? What are y'all filming?

Well, what's my name again? Terry Jerry. Terry. Well, we call it tearing it up, tear it down with Terry Jerry. What do you do on the show? You go in the pawn shops? Oh, I go up in pawn shops and I try to scam people. And I cry if I don't get my way.

And I start producing pictures of people. Yeah. Hug upside down on the cross. I'm trying to cut myself on the TV. I make them hang up new flags. Sometimes I'm bringing this whole camera crew and I just, and I just start cutting myself. I start cut my legs up.

Yeah, real bad. Mm-hmm. See, I brought in this big booing out of today for you to take look at it as I cut myself with it. It's harm myself. Remove parts of my body. Yo, on some real shit, there was a girl in junior high

that I used to write. the same bus as me. And she was like a goth. I guess like an anime goth, whatever the fuck. And she got in trouble, not in trouble, but she got sent to a different school for cutting herself.

And it was very sad, but Thomas, she used a shurikins from the Renaissance Fair to cut herself. And I know this because she showed me a video that she took of her cutting herself on her razor phone, no pun intended. And she was like, this is how I cut myself. And I was like really like, you know, like scared. And I felt very sad in that moment because it obviously a very dark thing to witness.

But then when I saw that it was, she was cutting herself with a red, Thomas, a red and blue Spider-Man ninja star that she came from the Renaissance Fair or one of those big stands at the Renaissance Fair, I still felt sad, but it was, I don't think it was Spider-Man. I think it was just red and blue iridescent, like, metal. Like, the way you can, like, galvanize. You have something that, like, Captain America would have? Yeah, yes, yeah, it was a red and blue Shuriken Ninja Star,

and she was cutting her wrist with it. I was still very scared, and I was very hurt because this was my friend. But I think this is also a very pivotal moment for me as a boy and a young man. I was trying also very hard not to laugh, because that's very funny. There are so many things in your house. If you're a cutter, if you want to cut yourself, your parents have knives.

Don't cut yourself. If your parent, there's so much shit. There's box cutters. Don't do that. That's crazy. A fucking red and blue ninja star. God damn. That was an awesome moment for me.

I made me realize it was one of those things that happened to me that was profoundly traumatic. And then also hilarious. I was so funny. Looking back now, telling you this story, I don't think I've ever told this story on the podcast before. But looking back, just watching a grainy 240p video of a girl being like, this is me cutting myself. And I'm like, I was taking it back. And she showed me before I could do anything. And then I see her wrist, her little bony pale wrist.

And then I see a blade. And I go, ah. And then she shows in the hand that it's a fucking ninja star. Cutting yourself with a ninja star. And she's like, I get back. My dad gets seeds from the Renaissance Fair when he goes. He's one of the guys who rides the horses And I was like

Your dad joust is the Renaissance Fair And you cut yourself with colored Ninja Stars Uh That's all You have a way cooler life than my life is sad In a way that's not even that cool My life is just kind of standard issue

White Trash said You have a jousting dad And you're cutting yourself With a shuriken That's like some shit that happens in the boondocks Or something That's some shit that happens to nightwing You know what I mean?

That's that's some shit that happens to fucking Jason Todd or any of the other Robbins Dude I think I'm going crazy Speaking of going crazy I'm thinking about sometimes when I think about it Sometimes when I think about it My fucking thingy

Don't work you know what I mean And Tom knows I'm talking about Oh yeah I was experienced it firsthand Baroque B A-R-O-Q-U-E Girl when you have to When you have to Wrap it up into a ball.

Yeah, you got to wrap it up. You just put a rubber band on it and then wait until it turns black and put it in that lady. Yeah, you got it. And then by the time you finished up, your blood has gone bad

and you release the rubber band to the cardiac arrest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like venom's, it's like the symbiote suit on venom. Yeah, you're going to cut your sack open to get all the bad blood out for you.

Before you die. Yeah, for you die. Yeah, that's why we see. Yeah, that's what we got. going on so anyway if your shit broke if yo shit fucking absolutely broke yeah if your shit needs to get fucking thick

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Come here, Vietris. Come here, Vietris. and suck on his butt cheek. Beatrice, I'm trying to get my thing down down on so damn good. I got to wipe both my ass cheeks and kill myself after. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yo, I got this girl down the way, Vietris. Man, she's sucking my dick so good. I got to wipe both my butt cheeks and kill myself after. That pussy's so good. No, she got it so good It's like you gotta take a shower A couple days after She got bushes so good

It makes me go to work on Monday Yeah Puzzle so good I go to work on time Yeah, she got me She got me mashed potatoes And rice She got me brushing my teeth Once every couple of days

Yeah He chocolate chip cookies And water You know you got a bad bitch When you laid up in a fucking cot You're eating chocolate chips in water Your gums bleeding Yeah

Drinking rain water You got off the roof Fucking the hell Out of her missionary style You know you got a bad bitch When you fucking live outside Yeah you boil in the water You got off the roof

And you're eating Chocolate chip cookie with hot water Classic classic Indian dish. Cold chocolate chip cookie with hot water. I just dip my cookie in hot water to heat it up and it's like I'm eating hot out of the oven and wet out of the oven too.

Yeah, you know, I pour a bunch of water on my cookies for I put in the oven that way when I open the oven, it's hell of steam like that bitch like rainforest. Yeah, and I got a bunch of goo I could eat off the pan, like a hot goo. Yeah. Dude, I got tired of my smoke detector, so I just painted it a white circle on my ceiling.

Yo, I did the same thing, but it's got a bit of red on it. Yeah, and then I painted wires 3D. Oh, man, dude, when I used to work in restaurants when I used to work in restaurants and I was a server, I don't like to play into a lot of stereotypes because I, I'm trying to, well, they're not nice. but I knew I was going to get tortured, literally tortured and treated like a dog. If I had an Indian family,

wait for it. Indian family, and everybody orders hot water or room temperature or they ask for warm water. If I got one of those, I knew I was literally going to get treated like a fucking slave.

Like talk to like a dog. And if you're like, Jake, be careful, it doesn't sound nice. Fuck you. If you've never waited tables and you've never had like a 70-year-old Indian guy

ask you for literally room temperature water, not cold, or hot water, and then fucking get like nine appetizers for his entire family of 15 to split, and then tip you zero dollars, you don't know what you're talking about. It happens. It's real.

I think it's just like, oh, I think it's just old-head Indian dudes that do that shit. They'll ask for like hot water, and they'll have like nine family members with them and they'll get like two appetizers and then they'll literally make sure to write the biggest zero you've ever seen

on the tip thing and then leave. Yeah. When I first started waiting tables, everybody was like, oh, black people don't tip. That's not my, that was not my experience. Black people tip good.

Mexicans tip good. White, poor white people tip the best. Old white church people with money tip like dog shit. Indian families. Tip like fucking shit. Chinese.

guys don't tip too good white boomers with perfect teeth tip like shit uh who too else tips like shit I feel like if for every race that I say I have to name a different white person that doesn't tip good to balance all this evil out

but I've done Indian and Chinese um man Inuit's man they're right in the middle Inuits I've never waited on it man Man, the Inuit community, y'all got a tip better, man.

But y'all know I played too much. Who was that? Was that the different guy or that was still? That was me, man. No, it's all me, yeah, yeah. Y'all knew I played too much. You know I played too much. That's what I say, but that's what I say whenever I'm not doing well now.

Oh, but y'all know I play too much. Yeah. You don't know. You don't know I need to. Help, I'm up here, and I'm stuck. You don't know I need somebody to talk to. Play too much. I hope I'm not doing well up here.

Y'all know that it's that it's not a joke anymore. See, y'all know I'm Scottish, right? I'm just aside of that. Y'all know that it's not a joke and I'm not joking anymore. Y'all know I have no one to turn to. Help.

Y'all know I don't talk to my friends. I don't even. You know I need help. I need you to help me and help me out. Y'all know. Y'all know I don't even really text my own parents. I just need help. I'm too scared to ask for it. I don't know what that means.

See, y'all know, I'm a little boy, right? Yeah, y'all know I'm a 32-year-old little boy. I'm wearing the white pants that go up to the shorts like they do in England. Wait, what? The white pants. Man, shut up. Man, shut up.

Man, shut up. Get the hell out of Scotland, man. Do you think Michael Jackson ever hit somebody with, man, shut up? Like, just like... Man, shut up. Did Michael Jackson have hands? Let me Google this.

Did he have hands? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I know he had biological hands. I'm curious to see if he could fight. I would say that was probably not what he was getting into most of the time. Michael Jackson. I feel like he was powerful enough to not have to do that. A.I. said Michael Jackson had the physical...

Google AI. Michael Jackson has the figures, physical stamina, hand-eye coordination, in rigorous dance trading to defend himself. Jackson grew up with a strict boxing father and earned a black belt and karate. And he even trained in martial arts. Well, okay, so Google AI gave me some dumb bullshit. But, but, apparently, Michael Jackson did have hands.

And apparently, Michael Jackson beat the brakes off of Tupac in a hotel, I'm reading. Wow, that's funny as fuck. This has been confirmed by a number of people in industry and some of the witnesses. Story goes that Michael Jackson wanted to collab with Pock and requested him to come to the studio. Pock was excited, but was mad when he found out that Michael Jackson wasn't going to be there, so he tried to leave. Pock started talking wild, and Michael Jackson smacked him up really good and beat the fuck out of him from his entire crew. Hey, yo, for real, if I roll like 9 deep with a bunch of straight murderers, and I get my shit rocked by a he-he-ass dude, I'm bombing the entire fucking tri-state area.

That's crazy. I didn't know that was real. That's funny as fuck, though. Tupac actually, well, I know Tupac wasn't a real gangster. I mean, he did die by gunfire. So I guess that's probably the most gangster thing you could do. But what I mean to say is that I know that a lot of it was an act and that he was an actor and that his mother was a political activist.

And, you know, he was in the ride or die a lot. That's not really what he was. But I am surprised to learn that. Jake laying the law down in terms of the thug authority here. Yeah. Keep you mind when a shot collar like this says something, that is the way it goes. When a shot collar says, hey. Hey, Tupac.

You were a gangster. You ain't a real thug, motherfucker. I know you died in a gang shooting. I know you've been dead for 30 years, motherfucker. But guess what? Shit ain't so sweet now. It ain't all pieces of cream. I just read Michael Jackson beat the fuck.

A lot of gangsters have been born since he was around. Play. You look at it once I'm born in 99 I'm from Beach of Texas I'm 1990 What year was I born for? Yep

And And I recently found out Oh Never mind That's We won't Leave that You were alive

When Tupac passed away Mm-hmm Wow Yeah So I was born And then my There was a lot of A turbulence

I don't remember this Because I was one month old But there was a lot of turbulence because Kurt died, Kirk Cobain died like a month after. Wow. And people thought it was because of you? Yeah, it affected my dad so bad he didn't come around for a couple of years.

It's a joke. I've been working on. It's not very good. But I may, it makes me... It didn't actually happen, thankfully, so that'll be a... Yeah. I just think they've got it. It's just all real...

Yeah, they got it to act with Jake. We can always go home knowing he didn't mean any of that. We can all go home Nonia Normal life Oh Good life Jake

That's what we call him Dude is good life He said Oh that's good life You know Larry You know Larry the cable guy Yeah That's kind of what Jake's got going on

Yeah You know Good life Jake Good life Hello Hello My name is good life Jake I am very interested

In telling you All the stories From my time has baby year one amazing year two joyous years three I received a gold diaper

it was amazing it was amazing and it fit me perfectly all the dude I've been getting really into Ugandan and Nigerian local politics and what I mean by that is there's this channel

they've been live streaming like local I guess what you'd call I guess town halls in parts of Uganda and Nigeria and like translated it or whatever and they're very funny because I guess what is effectively the mayor of the town will be like

he'll be like I am corrupt and I am evil but you all like me and the people will go we do not and he goes okay I will stop being corrupt now and then they'll do a vote and then he'll win and that is like the biggest thing in the whole town and then the guy's name yeah is like

you know angel angel hallelujah and I'm like that's fucking sick dude I want that here I want I want I want more I went to a town hall meeting like four months ago to make myself feel like I was a part of something you know sometimes you do shit like that like you go to a fucking protest

or something you know I saw you on the news yeah you're up there we gotta get them all out of here they're coming in a ruin San Marcos for the whites yeah I'm talking about Cajun I've had enough of these French Frog motherfuckers Stinking up my river Oh

What I meant to say A fucking one hour ago almost damn near Was is it I didn't think that the Kool-Aid pineapples Were real I mean I knew they were real People were really eating them But I thought it was some kind of a fucking trend

And then I went to the river And boy, They're eating them motherfuckers like hot cakes That's a real ass fucking thing I'm not saying it's not even that weird In fact it's actually In fact Don't none of you guys

It's kind of very It's very 1950s Yeah it's fucking Kool-A Yeah It's it You're telling me you wouldn't want to eat A strawberry flavored pineapple A pineapple chunk

Let sign me up Anyway They were selling some But I didn't have any cash And as you would have it I don't know if this is surprising to you Thomas The guy who was selling Kool-A flavored pineapples

He did not take tap card He only took cash So But maybe he will be at the river this weekend Where I will be he's like yep more passive income from me more uh i do one of my one of my favorite income

out here all day still on these one of my favorite racist rants i saw recently he was like a guy one of these fucking youtube dudes and he was like uh yeah black people they use their eBT cards uh to buy food from their store which then they then resell as what these things called plates they sell them as plates on uh facebook marketplace They sell them at churches and stuff

That that money That we get our tax dollars Blacks use it To buy ingredients And all the replies were like Yeah I mean that's what you do That's what you do with With money that you get for food

If you get a food card Typically speaking you would buy food with it That's kind of what it's for you You fucking stupid white devil motherfucker Yeah I'm starting I'll be brave enough said I'm about tired of Whitey and somebody's got to step up and do something to me specifically

you fucking actually don't make my family mad and actually would be pretty mad at me if you're going to kill somebody kill somebody that deserves it like any tow truck driver anywhere actually uh that's not true except for that's not true except for lucy you know that's not true you know I've had a business on the side those whole time dude if you were a tow truck driver secretly

on the I would fire you from the show just kidding But I would wonder why you would do something like that And I would wonder why you Because I don't give a fuck I love tolling people's calls I love I've sounded one time I applied to be a repo man

I did not get the job No that's awesome You get an interview It was an errands too It was a furniture repo They didn't let you They wouldn't let me You're stealing shit out of people's house

Yeah They wouldn't let me take people's couches back That's so awesome I would have said sorry man Get your fat ass off the couch Or I have to kill you I'm an agent of errands. I can kill as I please.

I'll kill everyone in this house to get this couch back. This is a $150 couch. You think you just not pay your monthly $200 installments. 400% on this couch. $4,000 a month forever. Dude, when I was a kid, I did not understand where the repo man was. I also didn't understand. I mean, I was made to understand.

will be made to see it, but you will not live to see it. Jesus Christ, huh? I didn't know what repo was, and I didn't know that... I just thought that furniture was something that you got from the store, and then it was in your house forever until you died. And so when I was a kid at the apartment, before my mom left for work after school in the summer, or in the summer after school, she would be like,

if somebody knocks on the door and says they're from errands or rooms to go, don't answer it look through the peephole get on the step ladder and look through the peephole and if it's from errands room to go don't answer the door and I was like oh okay and then like a couple years ago by and I asked my dad why he's like oh because your mom will go and get furniture from errands and she never pay for it so that's why sometimes men would come take the chairs out of the house and the table I was like okay it's cool but I didn't know that was something that could happen I was so very confused I was like what happened to the couch my mom was like oh they

took it back and I was like what what that couch is I've farted on this couch I was too young to be yacking off but I mean I probably peed on it or like now son we're going to need you to try and yak off we know you're too young we got to get our money's work out of this couch so I need you to bust loads in this couch with your 8 year old pecker son if you want to put this

couch in your truck that's perfectly fine but it does have 8 year old loads on it does have 8 year old boys come on it so that would make you a little suspicious The ultimate plan. This couch is now filled with child porn. Take it at your own risk. I see you've come to get my couch, Aaron's repo man.

I'll have you know that you may be loaded onto your truck, but it is covered in the loads of so many boys. My sons. Before you say that they're boys, I don't know. They are my sons, which makes it normal. Whatever you think the curb weight is on that, add another 200 pounds right now. Dry weight.

Just in dead skin and loads. Pizza. Oh, man. Oh, dude. Oh, fuck. And me. And me. I am in it.

That's most of the 200 pounds. One of the most disturbing things I ever read about was a girl that got locked in syndrome and stayed on a couch for like 16 years and died. Our family would leave her alone for extended periods of time. Yeah, I straight up would stop giving a fuck. She, Fused as she, her body fused. What are you?

It's very sad. It's very sad. Stop. What are you going to be? You're going to be on the couch today? Cool. All right, cool. I'm going to be. I'll catch you later. Come on. What are you doing? All right. Chill. That's literally when her parents went to prison, that was, I'm not kidding. They tried to lie at first. And they were like, yeah, we didn't know.

And then like eventually her mom when they had her dead to rise. The mom was like, yeah, I didn't really sign up for this. So I just, we would dip. We were gone cruises, you know. She was profound. This is a very sad story. Profoundly autistic and she one day just didn't get up from the couch. This was in like 2008.

And then this is a very sad story. Do not look at the pictures. I repeat. Do not. I'm dead serious. Don't. I would rather look at fucking beheading photos

than look at the fucking. I already seen them. I saw the fucking pictures from the fucking... She's eating bags of chips, watching TV. Looking like cozy as a clam. A normal weight Normal color

Normal weight Normal blanket Normal life Reloing Okay Air rat Well you know There are some things

On Pendeo time That we don't laugh at We draw a hard line And I guess that's not one of them But yeah Nope It's not We'll find it

We'll find a way Found a way I found a way Damn Y'all heard I got locked in Syndrome I beg it Yeah

Fucking Monde Yo I'm making it like that 200 bucks a week now What the fuck? Dude, do you remember Do you remember when you first started making $100 a day? Dude, I was texting people on my phone

Oh yeah I was like, I remember I started spending $50 a day on fast food. Yeah, I was like, I think I posted on my first job I think I did post something on Facebook Like my first server shift Where I made over $100 and I think I posted is a picture of the money like yeah we're really getting to it and it was clearly at a joe's

crab check like and i was dead serious i think people laugh reacted they were like ha ha i don't think you could laugh at the time people were putting laughing a winking and i was like i'm dead serious about this money i made a hundred and twelve dollars today on a lunch shift at joe's crab check i'm serious about my money now i'm changing the way i fucking talk and think eat you know what i mean it's cool it's it's so cool to make a hundred dollars a day and then then for one year you think your life's going to get better? Maybe not. Actually, one year's way of an exaggeration.

It's cool to make $100 a day doing some of the most backbreaking labor that you didn't know your body could even do. And then for one month, you think that your life is going to change. And it's going to get good. Because you've never made $100 a day before you made like $60 a day. But that first time you hit three numbers in one day? Yeah, that first $100 gets you addicted. Yeah, it's a work for $12. That first hundred

That first hundred in your hand The first five-twenties Ooh that feel different I feel good I got some weight to it After 10 Yeah we can work with this After 10 hours

After 10 hours In the fucking South Texas heat In the middle of August Yeah When boss man hands you 520s With boss man hands you 520s You've been there for 4 hours on a roof with a bunch

of Guatemalans they're trying to stab you and each other and one and one cool black guy you start fucking talking different people start talking to you yeah people start being like oh yeah $5 an hour that sounds familiar

yeah yeah he got 520s hey hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on you got 520s in your wallet yeah yeah yeah Yeah, I knew you smelled it when I walked in.

All from yesterday. Yeah. And a little bit from the day before. Excuse me. Can roll down to win you for me to license registration? Oh, excuse me, sir. Do you have 520s in your wallet? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so sorry, sir. Have a good day. I thank. Hey, hey, bless up. You're doing a Lord's workout out here, officer. Bo, ball, bow, bow, bow. That's the sound of the grenade

Oh my God He's killed every police officer He's killed all the police I'm in this one My dress has polandas It's got white frills at the bottom But it has polka dots And they're red, it's green

I don't have one red lipstick And a fat ass And I've just watched And I've just watched Him kill every police officer In Texas He's still having it He's killing all the police

And I have a huge fat ass A fat ass and a thick A fat ass and a thick pipe A huge tits in a green dress I need help Fuck me running dude God damn that's funny He's killing all the police officers

In Texas that I've got a huge Huge ass and a pink lacy thong My lipstick's red I have a beautiful dress Help I feel so much like myself I've got a pink thong and a lacy broad I feel more like myself than I ever have Oh my God

Oh my God, he's ripping them open He's killing them He's eating their liver Like an orca He's got incredible grouping in his shots And he's killing them with efficiency And I have a little red thong It's over the pink one from earlier

Yeah, sure Who gives a fuck Yeah Same joke Who gives a fucking Who fucking cares? Huge tins in a deal way Nobody was like, oh my God, what a great joke.

Let's see how they're developing. Let's see what. Maybe we get another 20 minutes of this joke. Let's see what else happens. Oh, my God. God damn it. Fuck. Oh, my God.

Anyway. Oh, fuck. How many cops are there in Texas? Okay, I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess, I'm my actual number. I'm going to say $650,000. In Texas?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Police officers in Texas? Yeah, yeah. I think you might be, I think we might be a little bit high there, Jake. There are 83,452 active. That feels way too accurate. California has approximately 150,000 cops. I will say it was a lot more than I thought it's

145,000 And then like if you count game wardens and stuff is closer to 200 But like like like I really Yeah Like if you count like anybody that has a game warden What's that like per capita? I don't know people are in Texas I guess a lot of people are in Texas

How many people in I think it's like 12 million I don't fucking know anything dude I'm so stupid I bought a bunch of books that I'm really excited to fucking get pissed off Because I can't read I would like to say how to see like a machine by Trevor Paglin and then fucking goddamn hyper-politics by some German cocksucker Anton, whatever the fuck. How many people in Texas? 31 million.

I'm dumb. Dude, I'm so dumb. 31 million. Texas added nearly 390,000 new residents making it a state with the highest net population growth in the nation. Only followed by Florida. Why the fuck are, hey, why the fuck are people moving to Texas in Florida? Florida. Why? Why? I mean, if it's boomers, like, if it's boomers, it's moving to die, and it's tech. Nobody can afford to live anywhere. That's true, yeah. That's probably true.

We don't have any water. It's kind of a big thing. It's not water. No, I'm saying a lot of people are moving to Texas and Florida, arguably the two worst fucking states that the country has to offer. I mean, they're top two. I mean, they're not top two. I mean to say, they're in the top 10 of the worst. I mean, fuck. Like, if you're, I guess... I mean, people are moving to New York, too. And...

That's true. Yeah. But why, but why... I mean, I... Well, I'm not... I know why people move to Texas, so they can get on kill Tony and start an AI startup and fucking be pedophiles.

And I guess people are moving to Florida for similar reasons. You can move... I think you can move to Austin for a girl boss reasons, too. Yeah. You know, go on... Go eat brunch. and fucking float the river and get fucked by DJs and stuff. Do software integration or whatever.

Yeah. That's awesome. I think, dude, I would love to be, if you could pick a type of girl to be what would it be. I think I probably would be girl boss. If I had to choose, I'd be girl boss. I would not be a homeless lady that has a bad life and her life sucks. I think I would choose rich. um probably skinny angular uh girl boss and maybe i have some tapestries in my home that are from

sicily who gives a sardinia who gives a fuck what type of bitch would you be um green uh i would be uh um be a greek sailor's wife that's cool like what what era of greece like when they mattered or now? It's the 2080s. The 2080s, so we don't know. Anything could happen. No, I know. Superpower again.

I'll be, basically, I'll be part of a Greek space force. What would the... In 2018, the big superpowers is going to be Greece. Number one. Number two. Mm-hmm. Taiwan.

Mm-hmm. Number three, Honduras. I was about to ask you, because, you know, 300 years ago, America wasn't a thing, but nobody thought America was going to be like the global super part. What's the funniest countries, like 300 years from now, 400 years from now? What's the funniest countries that would be like the top five? I mean, I think realistically just with trade access,

you could have some really random countries. Yeah. Just as, as sea levels rise and stuff and all the shit. Well, yeah, and with all these canals. canals and everything being so contentious. Yeah, yeah. Like the fact that we control controlled Panama or whatever was huge

for a long time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that, I think I don't know, because like I get I don't get weird about it. It's the weird's the wrong way. It's just like, I think like, God damn, Spain and Portugal and the UK and France used to run this shit.

And now they're just places that people go to like Dumali. and get fucked by dudes on mopeds, and then fuck girls who, like, stink. Like, I mean, girls stink everywhere, but, like, it's just, you know, these are fucking playgrounds for Americans with disposable income,

and then, like, Australians, and also Israelis who, you know, they go there to fucking rape and then get away with it. My point being is that these are not superpowers anymore. They're fucking playgrounds for some of the worst people on the planet, myself included.

Well, I don't want to, I don't even want to, I don't even want to put myself in the same kind of category as an Australian alcoholic, or of or uh, um, I'm a different type of thing

which is white trash Texan which is above two of those two things. I don't think Australian alcoholic is close to Israeli tourists in terms of even this but I will say that they are in my experience having talked to people worse than Americans. Um,

but they, but, uh, not as bad as Germans. Okay, what is the other, okay, I'm,

I'm drifting. I haven't eaten anything all day. I got, I was like a small, like two foot tall, purple man, his name is Ying. I'm talking about, he rolls the whole world. He has one giant gold coin for every beer.

And he says, he says beer like, hazy. Yeah, but he's a big coin on the table. 300 years from now, anything's possible. A two-foot-tall purple man giving you a big gold coin. Oh, fuck, it's a two-foot-tall purple man. With a big coin. He's not going to tip with a big coin.

Hashi! Hasey, fuck, this is another beer. I have to get him. Hasi. For some reason in the future, I don't like getting a beer for somebody. Yeah. That's an annoying thing to order. I wish he got a space cocktail.

I wish he got a blue. A.I. A blue Hawaiian AI drink. Sure. Fuck it. Yeah, what if a guy, what if there was an AI or something like that involved? Yeah, that would be funny too. Okay.

Well, I'm done now. Thanks for listening to the show. everybody. Go check out the new video episode for the honchos. I'm the one who Enoch's with JT, our honorary third. People ask me, is he on the show? The answer to that question is yes. I need you to give him $50.

And then the answer to the show is, yeah, he's on the show pretty much. But only sometimes. Also, some of your business, who the hosts are. I could bring a fucking, I don't know. I could bring a Sri Lankan. fat guy on here and he he could be the next fucking Tom. That would be, you know, Thomas say, hey man, I've had fun.

Bring on, what's this Sri Lankan guy's name? What are their names sound like these days? Sri Lankan male name. I think their names are like, I don't want to be wrong. Anyway, thank you guys. Jamal, maybe. Yeah, Thomas. Sri Lankan male name.

Jaya Sakara, Gwaka, Jindasa. Yeah, had about enough of the. that. Anyway, thank you guys for listening to the show. Please go to patreon.com slash pendeo time and toss us a little bit of cheese. One dollar a month gets you access to the Discord. Five gets you access to bonus episodes plus an entire

backlog of a bunch of fucking shit for the past five years. And then $10 month gets you access to bonus video episodes. Usually I was trying to do for a month and now I'm back down to two because of life. So anyway, thank you guys for listening

to the show. Please check out Drunk Uncle the Band on Spotify. And if you are in Austin, Texas, on this coming Saturday, this weekend, I will be at Shakespeare's Comedy Warehouse at 8 p.m.

doing stand-up comedy, and it's all new stuff, and I'm going to bomb, and it's going to be very bad, but that's okay, because we are trying to work on a new half hour. So I can have new material if we decide to go and do live shows

after I get married, which is the plan for everybody who is, wondering. If you are asking me to come to a place that is not in the United States, some people have asked, oh, hey, you guys should come to Australia. As it turns out, we actually have a pretty decent-sized fan base in there. It also turns out that for me and Thomas to get to Australia, it would cost about $4,000. So if you want to donate $4,000 to me and Thomas to go to Australia, it's a live show, you can send that to our Venmo. Don't do that. That's what am I doing.

I was about to actually say our memo. So, girl would be like, hey, man, I just took out a mortgage on my parents' house. And killed both of them. Yeah, you better be in Sydney, like, next week. Because I'm coming back from what I just did. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Bye. Bye.