Pendejo Time - slugs

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

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wake up wake up it's the first of the month wake up wake up get up off your ass and start jiggling it why are you not why are you not jiggling it yo why is it sitting still i'm at the strip club and i'm asking her why isn't it why is it still why is it not why is it completely still it's two-dimensional it has no bounce it has no action it sits still when she's shake it's like it's on dubs yeah her legs move but the rest of her body

does not move as if she has polio perhaps rickets she can poop without that booty move for it oh yeah that's correct you know most people got to shake

their ass to poop like a dog she don't got to because it's so big like a butt yeah like a girl's butt your booty's so big

like a guy's butt how come girls got booty and guys got butts uh that's stupid that's stupid that's a good question dude but here's a better question guys guys guys guys have ass like where are you going with all that ass homie no girls have ass

no you say it's no you say where you go walk by and you say let me see that butt yo nice butt girl yeah that does sound weird I'm not Girl, I never seen a girl with that much butt before. I'm thinking of the meme. Trying to touch your butt. Yo, let me slap that butt.

Hey, can I, uh, we can I kiss your butt or see a picture of your butt, please? And last night, I was clapping her butt. You would not believe how I was clapping her butt, dude. Man, her butt was so fat, you can see it from the front. Your friend's like Her butt Yeah You know she got that

But hole too Yeah I mean I figured she would Yeah you know she got it's so big She got a hole in it I mean I think I think all of them do For the most part

Unless you had some sort of traumatic surgery Yeah Yeah That girl's so fine You know she got a butt hole Yeah Yeah, that's true Where are you going with all that

Without that hole in them jeans Cat calls that would be disrespectful And like that hole so big I bet it'd take up the whole jeans And no room for cheeks in there The whole front of the gene Yeah, that whole thing is a hole Girl, I bet you whistle

I bet that hole so big The jeans cave in in the back looks like you got hit by a truck or maybe perhaps a motorcycle you look like your ass looked like when you when you make the volcano with mashed potatoes you make the the volcano spaced in the mashed potatoes so you can pour the gravy in there and then you fold the mashed potatoes over that I tried to do that one for a second I used to do that almost every day and

look it back I think how much mashed potatoes was like eating as a child how much gravy was I consuming to where that was Yeah, pretty much almost every meal I recall having gravy with. Yeah. Dinner meals. Gravy is like a type of bread. Gravy is like a type of soup. Yeah.

I remember that when I tried to do the volcano mashed potatoes and gravy, my grandma, my mom, well, my me mom, she slapped my hands she said don't play her food at the table and then she shortly thereafter fell asleep at the dinner table because she had been drinking her favorite drink which was Diet 7 up and Seagram's whiskey and then she fell asleep that just sounds good

yeah it was awesome she had to mention I think it's good for your brain when you drink dementia when you have dementia you drink alcohol I mean you might as well if you have dementia yeah that's what I just So what we get drunk So what we Smoke we Where is my son

Where's my memories The sun it goes out And I don't know where it be Can't live Independently That's what we're going to be singing In ten years Maybe I can't imagine

yeah so what we like skunks so what we climb trees we have tales that are fun our species is beevesers we don't so what we build dams out of some sticks and leaves and there's something brown for me beavers so what it's made of wood and it's now it's my hands I gnawed down to make it into a segment I don't think beavers go in the trees I think they do to get the tree down from it

the tree down from it oh man yeah yeah I've been listening to Chip Chip Cabiva Chip

Chip the beaver. Chip the beaver? Okay. And what does he have to say? Yeah, that's just what he just said. What are he said? Uh-huh. Biting wooded the chips.

Yeah, I like to chump. Trees and plants and trees and plants and trees and plants and plants. Uh-huh. I love jumping trees and that's my chomping problem. And yeah, I like to chomp. I got a chomping problem. it's been a long tree without knowing branch

and I'll chew a ring around it and hold it in my hands Okay Oh fuck that's way better Build you a damn And I'll build you Yeah yeah that's fine Sometimes you

Sometimes you have to tag each other in Stuff like this Yeah I didn't know that we had beavers over here I live. I thought there were only something

that was in Canada. We got hella beavers in San Marcos, brother. Oh, yeah.

Beef King and him, that's what we used to call growing up. San Marcos, land of the beefs. We'd just go

down there and beef out. Yeah, I'd get my beaver on. That's one of those old guy words that never

like, I'm glad it died. Because cool's been around forever. You know, like, you know,

that's cool. Or chill. Shill's been around a minute, but, like, calling pussy Beaver is not... Dude used to be, like, if you killed somebody, a dude who was, like, calling him a jerk or something. Yeah, but dude, like, the cool version's been around for a hot minute, too. I'm glad Beaver died out. If I was ever hanging out with, like, a friend, he was like, I got some mad beaver last night. I would immediately assume something...

A chip had been implanted in him. Dude, I ate insane brown beaver last night. I had this girl overnight. I ate her in the same brown beaver all night long. I drove her completely crazy. Bro, we beaved out, Lesna. Me and her beaved out. I had her beavers.

Me and my Les friend, we beaved out. Dude, I had her beaver tail straight slapping on my leg. It was crazy. Beaver tail? Beaved, you know. Yeah, I've been, man. I guess, yeah, sure. Whatever, who gives a fuck?

It's been, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Come on. that's all right bubba uh-huh we build dams instead of we damn boys yeah well we damn boy how about we damn boys uh we damn boys we damn boys doesn't sound great but it wouldn't the context of it doesn't sound great it sounds really bad actually yeah it's a good point and see when you tag in like that ain't nothing but a tree thing maybe to to a big to a big to a big to a big to a big to a big to a

Big brown beaver's egg getting wavy. I don't see nothing wrong with a little chomping damn. Couldn't think anything that rhyme would grind. With having a beaver's mind. I don't see nothing wrong. With having a beaver's mind. like a beaver saying that to himself he's self aware that's good fuck i like that one oh man oh what else we got uh get a swimming pool full of branches then you build it um so this

looks like a chopped down trees so everybody just find the leaves and we'll get a little bit of wood piece and it builds a dam into the sleeves. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, okay. Fuck. Oh, God damn.

Me and my beavers trying to build it, you bish. It's my house. It's made of twigs and leaves, you bish. My home was made of lots of spruce and lots of, What's the fucking other type of tree? Sycamore?

I don't think that you could probably damn. I wonder what type of trees they'd be using. Do they know which type is the best tree? Whatever is right there. Whatever trees grow on the bank. So you would have probably a lot of willow or a cypress, you know, in San Marcos. They probably use bald cypress a lot. Yeah.

Maybe, or maybe it's softer, easier to chew. I feel like a lot of stuff that grows on banks is, you know, quick growing. Yeah. I'm not 100% like willows and what type of tree?

Poplar or cottonwoods. What is a beaver's favorite type of tree? I mean, it's probably going to say something like pine or something like that. Beaver's favorite type of tree. Because it's soft and and it grows straight.

I can't type real good right now. Because I Tree preferences of the beaver There's an entire fucking scholarly research into this The North American beaver's winter diet of tree bark Is familiar to many But less well-known are its distinct preferences Generally it prefers deciduous trees over conifers

But from the beaver's perspective Not all hardwoods are created equal The exact ranking may vary over the end Diet though or in building preferences I'm about to Well we're getting there Other hardwoods rank somewhere between Willow and red maple and conifers are taken in quantity

only to avoid starvation. Where's the fucking motherfucker when you build the fucker? Ah, beavers in Massachusetts prefer a building with black birch. Black birch is not a favorite to eat, but it is a favorite for building. Interesting. So a beaver

can tell between food tree and build tree. What a smart animal. I hope we kill all of them. I hope they die bad. Yeah, I just built me a damn what did you call this black bitch? bitch another beaver going to another beaver's damn what's so oh hey hey hey what's this one yeah black bitch it's my black bitch damn damn burge don't kill my vibe burst don't kill my vibe i could see his centipedas got two kinds of face i've got some wood i've got a leaf and the river's coming my way yeah i had to take

a bunch of my medicine earlier because that's okay because I thought I was going to die that's okay and did you die no then it's good you took your medicine then you did pass away yeah yeah yeah um probably not gonna kill Jake we're gonna kill Jake we're gonna kill

we are going to torture him and take out all his skin we've got the pliers we've got the pinches and we'll scalpel all his friends all my friends dude Jake it's time to die Jake Jake you're about to die

Jake you're about to die Kill head shot Jake Blow up Jake Head shot Jake

Blade him Jake Yeah I grew up There's some people Who were killing Jacob Yeah he worked

at 9 to 5 Okay Yeah I was telling him I was telling Ben and I was like oh yeah I'm just like come a bit of a hypochondri action it's like all of my health scare stuff and then he sent me an article about how a third of the third leading cause of death and Americans is medical error he's like you should read this I was like a fucking piece of shit and yeah so anyway that was those those

was a fun couple hours it's fun to Google like like my I will have been twitching lately and then I Google it and it's like yeah you're dying it's over having a stroke

it's game over I think I don't want to I think I'm not afraid to die I think I'm afraid of being like an invalid you know what I mean you're very actively afraid of dying yeah yeah that too

yeah 100% but at least a process of dying yeah yeah that sounds bad I think I'd rather get like I think being dead is not that No, they're dead You know what I mean You don't even know you're dead

But Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah I think about it most Think about it from like 8 in the morning

Until about 7 p.m. Then I uh I lay down I go to bed I think like that About getting like Orson Wells level fat Like

Like Marlon Brando Towards the end Yeah Yeah Like 5undo drunk Yeah Yeah.

Your heart rate resting is like 1.45. Dude, but he got crazy pussy even towards the end. Ain't that true? I mean, you're not going to enjoy it that much. Yeah, that's a good point. Who knows? I wonder if Ralphie Mae was getting crazy-ass trim when he was bigger than I'm a motherfucker.

I'm so no. Definitely a loyal man. Yeah. Was he on estrogen or was he just that fat to where he looked? looked like it. I think he was just, yeah. I was looking at a bunch of pictures of him in Iraq. He did a show for the truth.

I forgot he went to Iraq. Yeah, I've been going through his Twitter. That's so crazy. Good stuff. He was kind of the last guy to, he was kind of the last white guy like that to get to use the soft day and then for his, for his whole life. Oh, yeah, he used to throw it down.

That's true. but i'm not like i'm not like calling him out of me he's a dead guy but he was kind of one of the last guys who kind of i mean i wouldn't really i don't really envy him um i do sometimes people in history and very disgusting yeah yeah uh rest in peace to that one guy that uh had the wankster character on instagram i forget his name but he died he's a Oh, yes. Forget his name. He was very funny.

I liked his skits a lot. He played like a Delco guy, I think. I don't know if it was like a Midwest kind of a wankster guy. Forget his name. He was funny as fuck. May he rest in peace. What's on tonight on the menu? I've been watching that show, Task.

You also watch that. If you are a Delco guy, there's a lot of Delco accents in there. I think I already brought that up, but who gives a fuck? I watched Sorcerer by William Friedkin. Sorcerer? Yeah, it's from the 70s. You've probably... Oh.

Probably heard of it. Damn, you're getting into fucking movies now, motherfucker. I see you. You're getting into, like, actual shit. It's because my girlfriend has a Criterion Channel subscription. Oh, yeah, Eden's Eden beheaded that. And I'm logged. So, I do not pay for streaming.

services if if somebody i know has something where i can get logged into something yeah but HBO and Netflix and all them they've been if you're not the owner of the account it's getting increasingly difficult yeah to stay on it and so all i have is criteria on channel and um so it's forced me to watch good good movies every once in a while yeah i i almost finished what's it called it's a kronenberg movie it was real long jeremy irons um uh that uh fucking so one where he's got the twin yes god damn it fuck it's really good uh one word i think dead ring no dead ringers yeah yeah yeah yeah i was towards the end of that and i fell asleep yeah um and so i need to i i i'm i'm

I'm wondering if I should just start it from the beginning, because, you know, obviously it's, like, very tense, but... Yeah. I really, like... I've only seen a... I've only seen that and... What's... The other Kronenberg, one I've seen is the...

It's the one where, like, people are, like, hacking into each other's minds or whatever. Scanners? Scanners. Yeah, scanners is scanners. Skinners was also like really funny Yeah, Scanners is dope At times

I love the movie And I don't like it when people are like Oh, this movie was actually funny to me Like you know what I mean Like sometimes people are like Oh this was just to me Like to my analytical mind This was just funny

No but Skinners I loved Towards the end When the general guy is like I want you to hurt him and kill him Get into the computer and hurt him And if you can I want you to kill him

that instantly became part of my vocabulary and I talk like that now anytime I get a chance Yeah, yeah I felt that way about Some of the Hellrazers And I like And I think it's because

When Pennhead shows up and he's like Pleasure and pain And the guy's like I'm like this is fucking Come the fuck on man You're dressed like Judas Priest and you've got a fat-ass motherfucking friend

whose teeth are all fucked up and then you got a bitch that hangs out with you that's kind of fine in a ghosty sort of way I don't want to say I would fuck the girl demon from Hellraiser

because I'm a married man but if circumstances were different and I was not married and she was real and she wasn't going to take me to hell and maybe we could talk

about like my favorite book or something maybe you know something could happen but um not sweet Or likely, but I don't want to...

I don't want to crush my green. Yeah, who knows? Spin on my parade or whatever. Yeah. Oh, I got so much fucking... I got so much fucking shit. I got to fucking do, man. God damn.

That's okay. Right now, you're free. Right now, I'm free in podcasting. I want you to have... I want you to close your eyes, Jake. Mm-hmm. Okay. And picture, there's something in your mouth.

Okay. It tastes a little bit hard. Okay. and it's kind of crunching and there's little splinters in it and you realize this is wood okay okay okay chewing wood it's kind of sappy similar to a piece I have a I have a compulsion to to build with it really yes that's amazing Jake I want you to build with it I want you to follow that compulsion Okay

Okay, I'm building with it What are you building, Jake? I'm going to the river Behind my apartment and I'm building something And I don't know what it is But I know that I'm genetically I have a compulsion I'm driven by millions of years

Of evolution to build A huge pile of wood In the middle of the river Wow What is it? It needs to be completed soon I feel like if there If there is a conversation between God and a beaver

That's what it is Oh fuck I've got to build this fucking thing I've got to make it out of a bunch of shit God damn it fuck I'm going to find a bunch of shit Ah fuck I'm two weeks To pick up rocks

I'm a pussy I gotta use my teeth I can do is chew like a fucking dumb ass It's so stupid It's the only thing I can fucking do I want to hunt I wish I could a hunt

I want to kill deer I was like I was like a woodpecker Man I could probably eat bugs off the ground I don't have to fucking smash my fucking head into the side of a goddamn oak tree Every day all day I have a big ass beak

I can pick up worms out of the sauce clay out of maybe a peat bog perhaps but instead no I spend my goddamn days toiling smashing my fucking head over and over and over and over again into this fucking tree pissing the neighbors off you know shit like that my dad shot a hunt my my dad shot a woodpecker with a daisy air rifle one time I don't think he was supposed to have done that. Did he eat it? No, my dad,

my dad got me a daisy pellet gun. The kind that you like, it's an air rifle, you know, you pressurize it or whatever and you get from Academy. And then I would sit out in the back

porch of a, he lived with his mom at my grandma's place and you know, I would see like a bird up on a tree line like up on a power line or something and I would try to shoot it and I'd miss and then my dad would come outside and he's like

he'd try to shoot that bird and I'll be like yeah and he goes why and I would say I don't know dad I want to shoot it with the air rifle he goes okay and then he would take the air rifle he'd shoot the bird in one shot and he would kill it and it would fall the ground and it'd die and uh

and he'd like he'd go and he'd get the gun back to me and he'd go back to sleep I don't think I was actually trying to shoot the bird I think I just wanted to shoot near it you know what I mean like I was probably like seven I was like hmm I wonder if this pellet could destroy

this animal um as it turns out it can but I just wasn't a good enough shot and then I felt an immense guilt about it and never tried it again after that um it might have actually

told me a cautionary tale about the exact same thing. Really? Yeah. About when he was a boy. And he was trying to shoot near a very beautiful bluebird and accidentally hit and killed it. Like a blue jay? No, like a little blue bird. Oh.

A blue bird is smaller than a blue jay. Oh, okay. A blue jay is like a big motherfucker basically. I think it'd be like killing a crow or something like that bluebird small a blue bird is oh I know I'm just talking about it's literally just called a blue bird and it's blue okay yeah your dad just domed that motherfucker I think he like injured it and then he had to like finish it off yeah my dad my dad did that I think it it wasn't great for him mentally Seems to have been something he's carried for

Over 60 Probably 60 years My dad liked to scare and hurt animals Not pets Well he did punch the dog That one time knocked it out cold But it was trying to bite him But my dad did like shooting air rifles

At squirrels and birds And he did like driving around Mall parking lots screaming Deadbird, dead bird, dead bird dead bird while he kind of tried to run him over with his forerunner um that was a game he liked to play with me while i was in the car he called it dead bird and if we would go to the mall together and there was a lot of pigeons eating chips and pieces of popcorn off the ground he would go watch this and then he would gun his forerunner in the parking lot of pastinit town square mall he'll go

dead bird dead bird dead bird dead bird and try to see how many birds he could kill he only ever got a couple because birds are pretty good at flying away and avoiding large vehicles but yeah that was that was a game he liked to play and he called it dead bird yeah we used to we used to put popcorn on our cocks whenever we were kids and the birds would come and land on and we'd fuck this shit out of them yeah we called it fuck bird that's a pretty good story about your dad jake we had a different one called fuckbird yeah Put a piece of kernel of corn Inside the tip of your dick

And then a bird would land on it You fuck it Yeah And you fuck it And the white stuff Would come out after you fucked it And if it's cloaca Come on, dude

Yeah And then a bigger bird Would come and suck our cocks too Where was this? This is a Walmart parking lot Weather for Texas So basically Like the little parking lot birds would

We would fuck them And then the big parking lot birds Would come and suck us off Okay, got you, okay Yeah Sort of a give and take situation Yeah And we would only be able to finish

From the head at the end I want to make it very clear Yeah, I've never finished Inside of a bird's ass All it's mouth That's good, I suppose Yeah, which is crazy Because they have a beak

but their tongues are really good they look small they look like they would they look small but they do a lot with them and they also hold very intense eye contact that's terrible man I don't want to talk about this they have to turn their head to the side

but that's fucked up man well I don't want to talk about it I mean and then well it's true I mean at least fuck a big bird you know fuck like a buzzard or a vulture

or something It's too hard Fuck like a condor You know what they say You can walk down And you can You can run down And you can

If you're a farmer You can run down And fuck one of your cows And all the chickens Or You can sneak down like a snake And fuck all your cows in the bowl And all the goats

And sheep and chickens And all the cats And all the worms in the ground and all the apples. And then you can, and then you can get them all pregnant. My dad, he didn't do anything like that. We would, you know Jasper, Texas, the city where the very bad tragedy happened,

where they did a very racially motivated crime. I'm familiar with the crime. I wasn't, I'm not intimately familiar with. the area it's it's like far east kind of like where viter and orange and you know anyway god's country yeah we would go out there um we'd have a family reunion and uh before the family reunion my dad was like uh he would like show me pictures of the farm he grew up on in mount selma and uh he was like yeah this is this was our farm like you know um and next if you look over there of that little brown building

that's my uncle Johns and his boy that was their farm and I was like oh that's cool and

he was like Uncle John's boy was my dad just said it is a hey oh he had a retarded son and his son

tried to have sex with one of the cows one time like a good old farm boy style tried to fuck one of the cows and got in big trouble and it was a small town so the guy was disgraced for a little while um because his son was mentally disabled in the 60s and then did try to have sex with an animal anybody knew about it where it travels fast um and so we go to the

we go to the family reunion this is sometime after my dad told the story and uh you know my dad's like uh this is my boy you know uh oh hey uncle john and And then this kind of like hobbly balding guy comes up and he's got big-ass jean short. He's dressed like John Sina and he's balding. And he's like, hello, David. And my dad goes, hello Mitch. How are you? And the guy goes, I'm very good.

My daddy's letting me run on the farm down. And my dad was like, that's awesome. I'm very proud of you. And I didn't know anything about this man at the time. and Mitch goes Hello, how are you? I go, hi, I'm Jacob, I'm David's son He goes, okay, that's good

May I come see the farm and you come see the chickens David goes, my dad goes, okay, sounds good man We walk away with like 10 feet He goes, hey remember that time I told you I had a cousin trying to fuck the cow And got everybody in trouble And I was like, yeah, he goes That's him

Just pointing over at the guy You know in true detective When the camera cuts to the mentally disabled guy who they think did the rapes at first and he's like praying with his hands up in the air very much one of those situations he's like yeah that's yeah

he mostly just hangs out all day I remember thinking like he's still not doing the animal thing is he and my dad was like I don't fucking know maybe you know I feel like if you I feel like if you have a son

that's like a 40 IQ son like you can't get too mad at him for trying to fuck the animals you know what I mean I mean you can definitely be displeased with it I mean, right, you can be displeased, but like, how do you chastise the boy? And how do you reprimand him?

I mean, really, it's on you if your son is to alone in fields a lot. That is true. That is a very good point. And my dad's uncle. If you keep your son in a pasture, you know, probably not the best. You're disabled son. Catching him up to the rest of society. Wow, I can't believe my son who I keep.

outside has been having a hard time socially. Well, the uncle, he drank hand sanitizer up until his body decided he didn't want to do that no more. So he didn't really have too much purchase or too much,

he wasn't really acutely aware of anything that was going on around the farm, I guess except for that. But, yeah, I wonder if he's still alive. Not the uncle. Uncle's dead. I wonder if they,

Nah, that guy's probably dead, too. He's pretty old. I'd imagine that if you're the kind of neglected, disabled son of an alcoholic in the middle of nowhere, racist Texas, you probably don't have a crazy life expectancy, I would imagine. You know what I mean? I would definitely agree with that. I would say that guy is certainly dead as a doorknop. Debtor than a coffin nail, yeah, probably.

Yeah. Anyway, that's enough about my life. What you guys got going on? Me? I was just talking to the audience. Oh, the audience? Yeah. Well, let's give the audience some time to respond.

Okay, here's 20 seconds for you guys to tell a story to us. It will respond in kind. No. No, your mom didn't do all that. Damn. all of them at one time Thomas can you believe this

no I'm looking at my phone while you're telling the story Thomas is looking at his phone while you're telling the story like he always does I have to be fair I have to be fair

this is what happens when you tell stories on this show yeah yeah that's true it is true oh baby let me see that bud when you want to

Come to me, let me see you get it. I see you on the dance flow, dancing with your butt. She had that big brown butt all up on the dance flow. Dancing with her butt are on the dance flow. DJ PG. I don't say

ass. I don't say damn. Girl, where you going with that bottom? Girl, where are you going with that heinie? Because my tallie. I said bottom until like I went to until i went to probably fourth grade i said tallywacker until about fifth yeah fourth or fifth yeah nobody knew what the fuck i just said penis i only said penis you said penis the whole time that's

i said penis yeah i said tallywacker uh which uh in hindsight i was told penis is the only term you can use it's not you know or my private parts private parts obviously is like a like a good parent will tell you, like, that's your private, you know, that's your private zone. But a tallywacker was the word of choice for pretty much everybody on my dad's side of the family, or pecker.

And so I... Yeah, we would call it a red rocket. Because we had dicks like dogs. Oh, yeah. My whole family's got red dicks like a dog does. Yeah. I remember everybody in my class would make fun of me because I had a dog's dick.

dude it's just a black and white sepia tone photo of like a bunch of guys that look like you in navy hats and they all have their dicks out and their dog's dicks and your dad's like that's your great granite that's your great grandpa that's your great uncle and that's my daddy we all had dicks like dogs red pointy red shiny they always look hurt even though they're not red and sharp they never look like they don't hurt you're licking it nobody knows whether it's hurt or if that feels good for your cleaning yeah you're not very good at dogs are one of the only animals where when they lick their penises you

it could be anything they just do that shit they'll bite on it yeah they don't know they bite their penis uh yeah they'll chew they'll like chew off part of their penis you take them to the doctor and the doctor's like yeah you gotta put a penis cone on a mixture he doesn't bite the rest

off. Why is he doing that? Why is the dog biting his penis? Is it hurt? Hurts when he bites it. Yeah, it doesn't hurt otherwise. Yeah.

Doesn't look like anything wrong with it. It looks like he's bored. I feel really bad for Hank. The shelter that had him, you're not supposed to spay and neuter your pets. I mean, you're not supposed to, but, you know, advised or whatever.

Well, they neutered Hank like super early. You're supposed to. supposed to wait like a few months but they like chopped his shit clean the fuck off I think like month two or month one. Damn. It's supposed to be like six months right for the big dog. Yeah so

yeah so he's like a huge ass dog now he's like fully grown but he has he has a little ass penis. I feel bad for the guy dude they fucked him they fucked his shit up bad. They didn't like butcher it or nothing he's got a

normal penis but it's just small. Yeah they did that to me too they circumcised me really early and it would have gotten a lot bigger yeah i have a baby's penis did you when you were a kid did you ever wait did you ever think there was this is gonna sound so stupid this is just how stupid i was when i was a kid i was like oh at what age do i get my adult penis you know what i mean like what you know because like your voice drops when you're 13 or whatever, like, you know, balls drop, whatever. I was always asking, when do I get, you know, the penis of a father?

And, like, you know, like, you get, like, an adult dad's penis. And, uh, safe to say, it never really happened for me. Uh, I'm still waiting. I'm 31. It happens with time, I think. I think gravity, with time makes your package look, uh, like an old man's. Yeah, that's true. Makes you all ball, really.

Did you ever work out at a gym where all the old guys got ass naked? I see it from time at time, but not really at this gym that I go to now. Not really many old guys there. I think the old guys here have money enough to not be going to my gym. Yeah, sometimes I forget you're in New York now. Yeah. I see. I think the old guys are at the Wyoming.

MCA probably. Yeah, yeah. My dad used to take me to Bally Total Fitness, which was his place in South Houston. And it was all balls and all dicks and all assholes. And it was of all shape, sizes,

races, creeds, colors, ethnicities, and nationalities. And we would work out together. I was probably like 13. And then I'd be like, all right, we've got to go shower.

So I'd go in the shower. And I just, I would feel as though I was, I was, there was a big, big shower for all the guys. And, uh, I just didn't think that I should have been in there showering with them. I don't think that that, that was something that should have happened. Nothing bad happened as far as I remember, but I remember telling my dad, like, can I shower when I get home? He'd be like, yeah, if you want to. So then I would just have to sit in the locker room, uh, wait for my dad to be done while a bunch of old-ass men just walked around with their, nuts out and their dicks and their balls and their assholes out and i remember thinking

i don't want to be in here anymore mostly on the counter that i'm 12 uh and i don't really i don't really think this is i've seen enough you know what i mean and that was that was another experience or i was like when do i when do i get one of those how do i upgrade from right now i've got the base model you know i've got basic cable you know i want uh i want uh i want to HBO Max, you know what I mean? You know, of course it comes with time. Still waiting, you know. It's crazy what Adderall does to the human flesh penis.

Oh, man, it makes it the smallest of the bill. I did not know until I stopped taking that. Yeah. Until I was a much humbler man until about a year ago. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, probably could have been free.

ball in my whole life up until then. Yeah. Could have been been wearing panties probably. Yeah, you could have just, you could have worn cheekies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no problem. Yeah, stimulants fucked a game up

because you know, I've already joked about it, but like, you know, girls are like, oh, crazy, yeah. getting all hopped up on MDMA and then it it makes my fucking TT the size of a goddamn rubber eraser kind of the worn down one too not the one you get first day of school but like halfway through more towards Christmas just kind of like pink and just kind of rounded there's more of a nub really and you're like yeah there's nothing happening here you know there's nothing going on here

that's for anybody mostly this is a scientific anomaly and i'll be taking pictures and send it when it's cold all the time oh dude you take it out and it's ice cold yeah that's another phenomenon i never really understood uh coming on from the gym or something you go to shower and you're like why is why are my balls with my dick to 10 degrees colder than the rest of my body it's good i don't keep blood in here ever not going to keep my blood. That's not where you need to. It can fall off as far as I fucking care.

It gives you shit. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they let a motherfucker know. They let the motherfucker know what time it is. Dude, I, uh, I texted you, uh, was a show last night. A bunch of guys in the audience. You don't dress to the nines.

Black suits. Nice dress shoes. I was trying to do a little bit of crowd work Which I don't normally do And I was like Oh you guys just come back from crashing the economy I'm just fucking with you And the guy goes

Nah Nah is my brother's celebration of life He died And I lost the room immediately And I couldn't get him back after that I was doing pretty good up until that point Nah no no I just came back

We thought maybe we'd try to cheer each other up go see a stand-up show I was like oh fuck man bad idea you shouldn't have done that you should have maybe gone to a place he liked

you should have said oh my god does he die in 9-11 oh my god did he die you got pictures of wait you got a picture of him naked on your phone wait um

follow-up question who gives a fuck about this guy's dead brother hey wait wait I'm doing crowd work what did he do for a living before he passed away

he was a banker yeah banker yeah banker I haven't even met her her her

and gentlemen jake roads hey everybody it's me was it uh was it like a new material show or was i've been trying a bunch of new shit and it has not been working i mean that's why it's new material yeah yeah doesn't work yeah yeah last time i did i i've only done one new material show and i really misunderstood what new

material meant it turns out they meant new good material yeah it's a new bad material yeah yeah every Saturday JT hosts

a new joke show and we go and I try out stuff and it's pretty awful but I get to like figure out if something's good or not some guys just go up there and they talk about like there's a homeless guy that shows up here

every Saturday and does like five minutes and he's like literally dude it's like I'm a lot on your plate. this thing is different now change with politics looking at different two sides of coin two sides of the same bird one wing one coin things when i was a kid different

things now different now things were the same but now they want to have two coins and they have one bird piece of candy was two dollars now i get a piece of candy fifteen dollars fifteen dollar piece of candy it'd be pretty good you ever see do it do buy chocolate all the thing i know about that is Dubai buy miss american pie but this is

not the way that used to be you know I got my girlfriend, LaBouba. She's 28, like me. She says she liked it. She said she liked it because she's for me. So she said, thank you. That's it, you're welcome. Yeah, I got it because I was working on my job.

That's where they pay me. any of you guys get paid to go to work you guys get paid to go to work where do you work and you guys have job the city the city pays me $15 an hour

pick up the cop horses poop and throw in the trash anybody here is it a couple anybody here is it a couple Is anybody Is anybody talking?

Is anybody Could anybody Hackle? Anybody heckle? Anybody in a talking stage Could anybody be a heckler that I destroy?

I've got a lot of good material. That's a humbling thing is getting actually heckled I am so bad at getting heckled I have never ever ever successfully

anti-heckled got one back no I always ruin it it's always going fine and then if somebody says something I think all right here's my moment YouTube here I come

and then I say something weird yeah weirder than what they said yeah and it makes it harder for the next couple of comics

and that's always nice because what you want to do is make the room impossible for everyone else that's how you get make it tough make it real tough yeah uh you got to come in with the confidence it is not earned i was really drunk at velvet one time and this girl's phone kept going off i was like an alarm

and uh it uh and we were like literally every comedian it would go did did did did did did did did did did and she would laugh and she'd turn it off and eventually like i was up there and i and i go hey, what is that alarm for? And she goes, oh, it's my birth control. I'm supposed to take it. But I'm like so drunk. I'm going to take it right now. I'm just going to turn my phone off.

And I was really drunk, and I go, if you don't turn your phone off, I'm going to fucking kill you. Which did not go over good. Did not go over good with the people at her table. I could have probably come up with something more clever. I was like, hey, if you don't turn that off, I'm going to fucking, I'll kill everybody at the table.

You know, birth control. Yeah. you're not going to need that in a minute so much of course yeah that's so bad yeah you better throw that shit the fucking trash

I can attack this show you're fucked yeah come to the green room you're not going to need any of that there's no green room with the bell it's just the bathrooms Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that was a good one. That was a good show. We should do a crowdwork tour. I don't want, I wish I was good. Okay, we will. Yeah, I wish I was good at it. I want to be good at Cardwork. Hey, everybody in the audience, ever seen a movie about Slug?

It's just dead, dead quiet until one guy raised his hands. He sounds just like you. I've seen a movie about Slug. A slug? Okay, what was about? Uh, he's, uh, he goes from one of the sidewalk to the other. He makes it just okay, and nothing bad happens to him. Whoa.

Is this a slug in a pieces? Yeah, a slug is a peaceful movie. It goes from one and a sidewalk to the other, and it was called a slug's trail. A slug tail. That's so cool. Any of your name? My name? Slug Johnson.

Everybody give off Slug Johnson. Any slugs in the audience? Any black slugs? Hate salt. If you're a slug, guys know you hate salt. Make you squire on a sidewalks. Doing like observational comedy from the perspective of a slug. Any sidewalks in the audience?

I know you hate when a slug is squirming on you because of a soul. Yeah, yeah. Any slug, motherfuckers out in the audience, I know y'all be hating that salt. All I am is a piece of sidewalk. That's all I ever be. Motherfucker, if I'm a slug and I see a white boy with a thing of salt, I know I'm moving quicker than a snail.

Any snails in the audience, I see your shell ass. A shell having ass. That big shell, hard shell, butt. yeah you think a slug ever see a snail think damn it's got a butt I wish I had that I'm just sort of

I'm like a worm I'm just a creature yeah I'm a lowly that's a thing right there yeah I want to fuck do you think the slugs and snails ever have sex and make interracial babies I have no idea

I think they're a different type of motherfucker yeah different type of motherfucker like a mollusk Yeah If I was a fish I'd fuck this shit out of a crab I'd make some shit Like crab fish

A new delicious meal I wanted to eat alligator gar I've been wanting to go get some God damn Man If you like alligator gar You gotta try other food

That's really good in comparison Man I've been really wanting to get my hands On some sand lately I've been wanting to eat a ham full of sugar ants Oh my God I really want to get one of those turkey sandwiches from 7-11 I've got, bro, I've got family who lives in Baton Rouge

swears by go this They say alligator guards are real good Yeah, you've ever seen the cancer rates in Baton Rouge I'm not taking it one for it I guess you're right That's 100% true Every police response 9-1-1 response time was like 37 minutes Yeah, alligator tastes pretty good

When you're in Baton Rouge Alligator Just Ain't nothing else to fucking do Except Yeah, swam water Tastes pretty good He's got a microwave

Before a couple seconds It's crazy that that animal's like 150 It ain't changed In like 150 million years It's just been fucking Down there in the mud Fucking

They're not up to mud And I think that's That's why they're chilling They don't got a lot going on Other creatures aren't like We gotta get rid of these motherfuckers No, they don't fuck with carp They don't fuck with the alligator gar

Too much But I think of all the pollutants we put in rivers So they're just kind of like I guess Yeah Monsanto couldn't kill them I remember one time A dolphin washed up on the shore

Of a Stuart Beach in Galveston And I remember I remember like People walking up on it Taking photos with their disposable cameras I was a little kid and made me feel really bad because I was like and in my mind I didn't know about pollution

but I was like I'm pretty sure that he wasn't supposed to wash up on he probably could have had a normal last life there's probably something in there and then later on I would find out that the ship channel caught fire like six or seven times in the 70s and 80 just because there's sheer amount of bullshit that was in there like the ocean was on fire

like that I don't think that's like that's not supposed to I used to think the animals washed up and they died from washing up. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. Yeah, I thought that pretty, for a pretty long time. Yeah. Pretty long. Yeah.

For most of my life. I thought, oh, my God. What's the big? God, this fucking, I saw a beach, I saw a sea turtle wash up. Oh, that's sad. Yeah, that's no good. I mean, it passed away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They dragged it with chains to get it off the beach. They had to get it, they got a golf cart. Yeah. They had to tie chains to the golf cart. Oh, he was a big motherfucker. It was a big, I mean, sea turtles get big. Yeah, yeah, man. This was at least, I would say, at least a, or at least a 200-pound animal.

Fuck, that's sad. Actually, I'll say at least 150, 150 to 200, that range. I know people were about to be on my ass. Hey, Thomas, I saw it. It was only 180. that dad I've talked about a little bit on the show my dad's old friend catfish he used to go noodling and he lost a chunk of his forearm meat because he jammed his fist into the hole to get the catfish and he was rooting around in there

and like a fully grown he like lifted his arm up and he was like I wasn't there for this when my dad told him the story and everybody's like damn it must be a big ass hardhead or you know like a gar or something and he just had a big ass alligator snapping turtle stuck to his fucking fat ass forearm dude and it was just like they don't let go dude he had the scar still when i saw him but uh yeah he almost lost his whole ass hand to an alligator snapping turtle which by the way it's like uh those animals are in chill ass bodies of water like if you're in the gulf of mexico you can be like knee deep and get got by like a bull shark or like you know like a shark, they'll fuck your shit up.

They go like in hell of shallow waters. But you can be like fucking around in a river. Just a normal ass lake. And you can get your shit got by a fucking alligator, stabbing turtle, lickety damn split. They'll take your whole goddamn ankle off. They're fucked up creatures. They bite harder as hell.

I've never eaten one, but I know people who have and they don't say it tastes very good. Yeah, I don't see why you would if I didn't necessarily eat that creature. I mean You know Like I said I've told you man

I've got like It's kind of funny Like No I just mean like I was like I probably eat a fish That tastes good Well I was gonna say

Like I'm a hundred percent Agreement with you Like I have The term I do have Some distant like Coonass Louisiana

Fam members that live down Like by the Gulf Yeah And and that That's not That's not To probably find another term No that no

No no no No That one is fine That one is fine That one's fine Because it literally means like Cajun It does mean that But I'm saying nobody else grew up hearing that term

That is true because they're not from the South I will give you that But for those you didn't grow up in the South That doesn't mean what you think it means It just means a fat fucking like Howad Donald Duck Dynasty ass motherfucker But with no money He eats dog food and shit

fucking eat squirrels and whatnot. I had a couple of those people. I think they're all dead now. Anyway, I won't say it anymore. I'm sorry. That's okay. I just wanted to give you a chance to elaborate. Right, yeah.

No, no, no, no. In the moment rather than later on. Rather than later on. And then you have to say, actually, I was talking about Uncle Fudd. I was talking about Uncle Slug Fid. Because I know you want to get into politics soon. I was talking about Uncle Butfinger I was talking about a guy I knew

And his name His first name was Coole His last name was Nass And it was an enforcement C-O-E-U-X N-A He's French Cane My name is Charles Cunas

And I'm from Vermilion Parish Louisiana My name is Charles Cunan And Charles Canass Charles Canascis. The Imaginarium of Dr. Charles Kunassus.

For any Terry Gilliam heads in the fan of the house. There you go. That's your fucking joke for the day. One of my favorite movies. And it was the movie that Heath Ledger died filming. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances. At least he's dead and gone. Rest in peace, man.

Well, I have you know the Joker was a vote. a fighting movie for me, so I'm glad he's dead. Uncle Slugfish, is that you? It's me. Slugfish, Knaz. Uh, I think I,

I think I may have told him on a video episode. I know I've told you the story, but, uh, to the free audience, it's very funny that you gave me a chance to clarify that because, uh, um, I remember when my best friend brought his girlfriend over, and she's black, and we were introducing her to the dogs, and she's not from the area.

So I was like, oh, this is Dolly. She's a yellow lab mix, and this is Hank. He's a real coon hound. And then we just went about our day. You know, we went to the river, and we went to ate this place called the Red Rose in Canyon Lake. We had a couple drinks. And then we get back to our place, and, you know, we had enough liquor, I guess, for her to be like, can you ask you a question?

And I was like, yeah. And she was like, the name of the dog. I don't understand it. I was like, oh, yeah, Coonhound, they're used for hunting raccoons. That's where the name comes from. She was like, oh, okay, that makes more sense. She knew the term for the, you know what I mean, like the dog used to hunt people. You know what I mean?

And so she was like, why would you just say that so casually? Right. And I had to be like, no, I was using. No, it means he actually, as I say, he has a little bit of seasoning on him. Yeah, he's got, he's a little spicy with it. We call him Zaxby. Yeah, yeah. My motherfucker doesn't even hunt raccoons.

He doesn't hunt shit except ice cubes and fucking crickets and socks. Real piece of shit. I guess I should probably, because, yeah, I've got to put this up, and then I have to make dinner before I pass out. What's for dinner? Merry Me Chicken. It's like a recipe that Ashley found. And she's going to cook it for me. Or we both might give up because we've had a long day and maybe get some chicken strips somewhere.

Don't know. But I think Marry Me Chicken might be on the fucking menu. What else was I going to say? Oh, great news, everybody. Fucking December 5th. I'm working on getting the links right now. December 5th, we will be back in. New York City

The big apple The city that never sleeps The motherfucking hinking Honking The city where all the money goes And the city where the dreams go We'll be back at Eastville Comedy Club And I promise

If they don't have a second God damn microphone for me and the boy It is curtains I will let the chopper sing Like an old gospel choir Just kidding I would never do that Please don't Don't say that

I shouldn't have said that Yeah that will be at Eastville December 5th. It'll be a prime time slot show, so I think around 9.30. That motherfucker. Tickets will be up soon for it. And then Boston, I'm

pretty sure we got a club locked in the night before December 4th. That's a Thursday. Be on the lookout for those tickets if you're a Boston fucking Sailor Peg lost my leg-ass motherfucker. And we'll be having a grand old time

in Boston. And then We're going to take a little hiatus for the holidays. Eat some turkey, eat some ham, get some gifts, give some gifts. And then come January 20, motherfucking fourth. We will be in the city of Brotherly Love at Next In Line Comedy Club at 9 p.m. I'm working on getting all these links ready for y'all, motherfaccas, so y'all can buy tickets. But please come out to that. The Midwest shows were so much goddamn fun.

We said, fuck it. Let's try and get one more in before the year's over, even though. one of those shows is in 2026. Hope I'm still alive for when those shows come around, probably will be. If not, we will have a replacement. Those shows will happen no matter what. I have contingency plans. I have a guy who looks a little bit like Jake.

Not as funny, but we'll get it work. I've already thought this through. This version of Jake is shorter than me rather than toddler. and he's also fatter than me so that I can get fatter and he can still be the fat guy in the show yeah

be on the lookout for those tickets I was supposed to get the ticket links tonight but some of the comedy bookers in the world are designed to give me high blood pressure so Boston, New York and Philly know that we are coming to see you guys we love you very much

it'll be my first time in Boston in Philly doing stand-up it'll be my I don't know how many times in New York but we love the city that Thomas lives in and we're gonna have a dope-ass time

so be on the lookout for that subscribe to the Patreon if you don't Pendejo put patreon.com slash Pendejo time give us a little bit of cheese we've been doing more content for the honchos some short stories some two dope girls

and for all the motherfuckas who are a big fan of Mr. JT Kelly we were now offering weekly installments of JT and Jake but those will be free of charge on the YouTube go over to the YouTube in Day O Time Worldwide and subscribe to that motherfucking shit

and check out the most recent JT and Jake number four Empires are crumbling listen to Drunk Uncle on Spotify and do I have any fucking spots do I have any goddamn spots

oh yeah i'll be a creek in the cave november twelfth it's a wednesday called king of the creek and if i win the fucking competition which i did last time muddha i get fifty dollars and i think they take my picture or something so come on down to king of the creek fifty dollars yeah come on down to king of the creek 1112 and even if you don't think my jokes are funny be a real pendejo and laugh so i can get fifty dollars so i can buy a tank of gas back home and maybe a pack his ends uh thomas i know you got some some big ass shows you're plugging so let the mother fucking big dog actually i have not confirmed that yet so i do

wait what about the other one the big one no the one that you've been slanging the one i've been slinging oh that shit uh well guys i guess i got to plug so i'm auditioning for the the fucking shit in november um look guys november 13 Thursday 830 The Broadway comedy club Used $5 to save Code Did you save $5 with the code

Thomas I'm doing five whole minutes So come spend $20 to see me do Five minutes of comedy No I'm auditioning for Some residencies So hopefully I can get some more Yeah some more delicious money

But really I just want to get better It's stand up Yeah So anyway, um, yeah, come see me there. And, uh, if you're wondering, should I, should I get a ticket to this or should I get a ticket to the December show? If you're going to get a ticket to one, please come to the December show. Yeah, come to the December show. But thank you to everybody who is already coming to the November one because, uh, we hit our minimum or whatever.

So I don't have to pay, um, a guy named Rich. any money um yeah fuck yeah um anyway thank you guys for listening thanks for listening this is awesome that we get to do stuff like this

and it's all because of you guys yeah you guys are the best we love you peace bye