Pendejo Time - so much doja they call me cat

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

I smoke so much weed they call me whackerSupport the Show.

Day off Tom, you know. Day off Tom and every day off Jake who has no job. We're back with our new free episode of Padeo Time which is a show that we're doing now. Mm-hmm. What did you get up to this weekend Jake? Did you do anything fun over the weekend? Perhaps with any of your closest, maybe your closest friend in the world? All your closest friends maybe your closest friend in the world? All your closest friends and you all got up to activities? Did that ever happen? Yeah, I hung out with you and Eden.

It was a lot of fun. I had a really good time. I texted you. It's funny to like, you know. I hadn't in a long time been drunk in a pool that was very nasty and i woke up in the morning on monday they're still cleaning that motherfucker dude i don't know what got what people got up to last week or over the weekend but i remember a lot of piss in there man there was yeah yeah i remember thinking while we were in it and i was drunk so i didn't think i would i was, I can't see my feet.

This is only three feet. This is three, three and a half feet deep, maybe where I'm at. And I can't see my feet, but that's OK. It's a little cloudy. It was dark. I really couldn't gauge the I woke up. Beautiful, beautiful, green, beautiful green color, you know, and they're still out there shocking it.

I guess people just, yeah, just piss, you know, body stink, you know, all that type of fun stuff. But sometimes during the summer, the best and coolest thing a man can do is drink two tall boy twisted teas and just get in a pool filled with human piss. Sometimes you got to do shit like that just to keep yourself, you know, grounded. You know, it's not all sandy beaches it's not all ferrari sometimes you got to go back to your roots you know 48 ounces of malt liquor and a fucking pill a pool of piss in it that's right i mean i i it was an interesting pool to me because

it was clearly designed for as few drunk people to drown as possible, if that makes sense. It was like three feet except for like one spot, which was nice. Well, the complex always, like, that's the first time I've ever seen it like that. And I don't know if they just, if it was just a busy weekend or whatever, but like it's usually they keep it in pretty good shape. But I don't fucking know yeah i mean it you know it's about the time of the year where the only reason to be outside in this this beautiful texas heat is if you're working out there or if you're getting fucked up out there and really the former you don't you know yeah i guess if you have to but the latter you know at least it's a little bit more fun. But I've left those days behind me.

No longer a... A wagey. Yeah, well, I mean, everybody's a wagey in their own way. You're a small business owner and you're a proud American. That's true. You've grown up. You're a patriot now. You're very conservative now, I've noticed.

I've become much more conservative. I remember we, this weekend we passed a homeless man and I didn't think anything of it, you know. And Jake had a football filled with poison. Quickenix concrete. And he poked a little hole in it and fucking threw a perfect spiral into the guy's temple and sprayed poison all over him. I don't even know if the guy got hurt from the poison.

I don't know as much about poison as you do, but it was very striking to me. I'd never seen anything like that. Well, I mean, I've always felt that if you're living outside, that's your to me. You know, I'd never seen anything like that. Well, I mean, I've always felt that, you know, if you're living outside, you know, that's your own choice. And in this land of plenty, you know, it kind of is a dis—it's disrespectful to, you know, this great land if you just, like, piss and shit outdoors. You know what I mean? Like, that's—you know, you want to go camping, whatever, but if you're living out in front of the jamba juice you really need to get your shit together because there's money out there for the taking people leaving money on the ground

people are planting money in trees and you just got to know how to get on your grind and pick that shit right off the vine you know what i'm saying yeah like last year i made probably twenty thousand dollars yeah and i mean for me that, yes, I had to grind for it. But at the same time, it felt like almost felt like, man, this is nothing. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's because you got to you got to have a lifestyle that matches your income. You know what I mean?

So for me, $20,000 in a year, I can make that seem like not enough to get by. dollars in a year i can make that seem like not enough to get by yeah i'm kind of scared a little bit because i was making like the like the most money i'd ever made in my life at the last gig which i mean i guess all things considered it was like you were a millionaire yeah i was a millionaire i uh i was making like 65 grand which is like that's that's nuts to me like that's crazy because in 2022 yeah in 2022 i think i made like 30 000 like after taxes and then 2021 i think i made like 18 or 19 so now i'm like i'm on indeed and i'm like well i think now i could probably make a million dollars a year those are the jobs that i'm applying for you know ceo of big big money venture capitalist fund or you know shit like that um because my tastes have changed you know i love champagne i love veal i love fucking you know i've got i've got depraved tastes too you know what i mean like

oh yeah sexually yeah yeah yeah I love massage parlors. Yeah. Good times. That always. I know it's like a cliche. Guys go to that. But like, I wouldn't. I always thought it was gross.

That's like if you put a 13 year old in a grown man's body. That's something. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like. Because I feel like it's man, it just doesn't not even putting up

appearances, man. It just doesn't sound fun to me. No, no. It doesn't sound, I wouldn't I don't like people touching me, you know what I mean? Same. And like when I like people have told me in their travels abroad they're like oh you know places i've never been to amsterdam but like you know

they're like oh this is how prostitution should work because the state regulates it and you know these brothels are clean and you know uh the women you know yada yada yada and i'm like look again i'm not even trying to put on airs anything i'm not trying to make myself seem out to some savior because i'm not but i never really cared for strip clubs i went one uh one time yeah it was not my cup of tea i did cocaine with one of the cocktail waitresses and i hung out in the chain in the smoking area and chain smoked and then i went home uh but like yeah the idea of like going into a brothel, I guess if it's a place that's legal, it's like, all right, man. Like, I feel like sex tourism is really fucking bizarre.

Like, you're going to spend like two grand on like airfare and hotels to like go have sex with, you know, some girl wearing like a leotard, you know, and she's like hanging out in the window of a coffee shop or some shit. But a massage parlor, it's like those are next to little caesars do you know what i mean yeah there's not even a facade of glamour yeah exactly like when like whenever i've like you know the red light district in amsterdam like they've got the or like moulin rouge or whatever the fuck in in france it's like you have like yeah you've got like the the lights are all dim and like you see the architecture and like you know there's girls like in the window and they're doing like sultry dances. If you go to a massage parlor in fucking Pasadena, Texas or like Fort Worth or wherever the fuck it's like, it's next to an army recruitment center and like a Little Caesars in a liquor store and a gun store. Like none of that really.

I don't walk into that. i'm like dude i'm horny right now i need to stop what i'm doing and i need to get jacked off by like you know a lady who came over here on a shipping container you know what i mean like it doesn't strike me as yeah also i feel like most people aren't like out and about just in the mood you know what i mean yeah i will you think you'd think i mean i mean like to a degree where it would influence that many financial decisions you know what i mean well maybe maybe i don't know i've i don't know i got my own thing going on i just i'm just kind of i'm just kind of zoned out a lot of the time. Same, yeah. So to me, it's like even if I was a single man, just to end up in a situation like that, I just don't see it happening.

Because I won't even buy a lottery ticket, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. So I wouldn't spend money on something like that, you know what I mean? Right, right. Because it's like i don't even do like sports betting yeah i don't i'm too i'm too i'm too cheap i'll buy a lottery doesn't make sense to me once a year but i guess the the thing for me is i'm like okay so how do you know unless it's a word of mouth deal where your buddy tells you hey you know golden light

massage over there uh you know they'll jerk your shit off for like 20 bucks but if you're just a dude what like how do you gauge i don't have that kind of intuitive like radar for like a sex store insofar as like okay i could walk past like dunyak massage parlor with like the ones with like the the very sun faded pictures of asian women on the front you see him a lot in fucking like suburban america you know and i'm like is that a massage parlor or is that massage parlor plus pussy and so i always like there's like an awkward thing. I wonder if an interactions where you're a guy. Both would be funny. You're a dude who's just looking for a massage and they're like, all right, that's going to be 200 bucks.

And you're like, that's a lot of money for a massage. But I guess they're really good at it. You lay down on the table. The lady like rubs your leg for like two minutes and then like rubs your neck for like two minutes and is like start sucking your penis. It's like, ah, I just, like ah i just you know i needed to blow off a little steam then what if you're a guy who wants to get his penis sucked in the massage parlor and you're like i'm super interested right now in this moment in getting my penis sucked uh and i don't have a wife or a girlfriend and i'm not particularly good with women and women

typically find me repulsive and so on and so forth so i'm gonna go into this massage parlor and then you're like okay when does the dick sucking start? And they're like, I'm calling the police on you. I used to have a friend who worked at, like, one of those places that does, like, esthetician services and is also a massage parlor. Yeah, like eyebrow threading or whatever. Just like a spa, I guess, overall.

And it was, like, not a shady-looking place, but, like, middle-aged dudes would walk in at like 4 p.m wearing like carpenter jeans and be like y'all got happy endings here like to the front desk receptionist my my uh my mom was so one of the like 900 jobs she had when i was like first born is she worked at a she worked at like a genuine like she got her like license or whatever and was a massage therapist and uh she told me the same thing like when I became like when I got old not when I was like eight and she was like hey to make ends meet I work you know no she worked at a normal massage parlor and she would tell me that like yeah like every five or fifth or sixth guy hey, you know, I had a long day at work. And she'd be like, okay.

They'd be like, I really could use a massage. I'd be like, okay. And then, yeah, same shit. Like, do you guys do cool shit here? Like twirl up and down on it or whatever? Spit on it a little bit. That sucks, though, man. It's unfortunate that people have to do that type of shit.

Yeah. But, you know, we would know. Both of us are upstanding citizens. Yep. You know, you got to – it's weird to do it right after work also, I feel like. Yeah, because especially – Just even to get a regular's massage i feel like i would need to have every part of my body deep cleaned yep yep and then i

like i don't want to do that i don't want you know i don't want to smell gross right and and also like i'm like i don't personally me i don't know i can't speak for every man on planet earth but like i sit in a traffic for an hour and a half the last thing i want to do is get my dick sucked or even like just even get jacked off like i want to go like sit in front of the tv with a fucking beer or food and i just want to veg out for like a couple hours like i don't leave work and i'm like i'm going to explode unless i get whacked off right this minute it It's just, I'm going to die. And again, it's not in a place that, maybe I've gotten older, but it's like I would need,

I don't want to get jacked off next to a Little Caesars. I'm sorry. Like, I don't, you know what I mean? Like, I... No, I mean, I imagine for some guys it's heaven. Imagine you get your dick sucked and then you eat Little Caesars pizza. Yeah, that's a very good point. For some guys it's heaven. Imagine you get your dick sucked and then you eat a little Caesars pizza. Yeah, that's a very good point for some guys.

For them, that's a Galleria. That's the highlight of their month. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's spent four hundred dollars for a sex slave to blow you. Yeah. Yeah.

have to blow you yeah yeah um and then you you uh you pass the nail salon and you pass the the phone repair shop and you get you a five dollar hot and ready pizza and you eat that in the car and then you just try and drive home before you start crying yeah you go to the liquor store after next to the little caesars yeah and you get you get a fifth. Yeah. And then you drink that on the way home and then you go and you get the revolver out of the door and you just look at it. Cause guys like that don't kill themselves. I don't think, I think they're guys who, you know,

they're too pathetic to even commit suicide. You know what? I think I'm talking about the strip mall made me realize, you know what I think I want to do? What? I think I want to move to New York City to become a travel agent. Dude, you would honestly, I don't think travel agent, but dude, I think you would make a really good high dollar real estate agent. You know what I mean?

No, dude, I want to get people on carnival cruises. That's what I want to get people on carnival cruises. Dude, you should, okay, wear a, dude, play up the Texas thing. Bump the accent up a little bit and, like, wear a bolo tie, you know, like a cowboy hat. Yeah, like wear, like, an all white and then, like, a gold belt buckle. Yeah, with an ivory, like a turquoise fucking bolo tie. You look like Doug Dimmadome from Fairly Odd Parents. And you're like, hey, you know, I came up here, you know, came up here from Fort Worth, and I just want to put you on Carnival of the Seas.

More than anything in the whole world. I want to get you and your family. And they're like a well-to-do yuppie family. And they're like, we want to go to the Amalfi Coast. Our son's going to be born. Well, go to afghanistan whenever you want sweetheart what you can't do is spend and all it's an all-inclusive except for the food and the drinks in the hotel all-inclusive stay at this resort in puntacana yeah and it's 800 bucks a person not bad you can't leave this area to the beach or they will shoot you.

They will gun you down for no fucking reason. Listen, so my husband and I, he works in tech, and I'm a lawyer. And I need you to understand, our budget is practically non-existent. We want to go to the Maldives. We want to go to... I just don't feel like you're getting our vibe, which is totally understandable. You don't know us, But we're thinking more of like You know

Luxury vacations So carnival really Yeah, yeah Luxury I mean, so I don't know if you've ever heard of Corpus Christi But it's this place down Kind of a hidden cove

And you know You want to keep your crocs on Because they got some glass And they got some glass and they got some there's some bodies out there in the water and there's a bunch of they got it's kind of i call them snowballs but they got pieces two big chunks of oil you can throw each other out in the water uh and if you open your eyes underwater you can see hell okay let's i feel like we're not um on the same page on the beach thing so let's throw the beach out you know like oh so let's let's i feel like we're not um on the same page on the beach thing so let's throw the beach

out you know like so let's let's think so maybe the scottish highlands you know maybe the fjords of norway again money is no object so so i i don't want anything to do with any oil slicks i don't want any country bumpkins um i don't want any any beach um where you can get an airbrushed T-shirt of a woman with large breasts on it. Okay? I need to reiterate that we want to be around people like us. Does that make sense? Oh, perfect, perfect. Well, I don't know if you've ever been to Tuscaloosa.

It's a college town. It's only about two hours from the beach. It's a college town. It's only about two hours from the beach. And you can get you an old plantation home on Airbnb, and you can just stay in a little haunted room in there if you want. And then there's a place called Champ's Burgers. I like down there, and you can get, they got this burger challenge,

and you got to eat like seven pounds of beef in like 30 minutes. And if do it and if you throw up they don't even stop the timer they just you got to throw up and keep if you throw up you got to eat the throw up and you got to keep eating the burger and they got bacon on it they got like six patty they got like six buns they got like 100 pieces of bacon i think it's like 50 pounds of, and you have to eat it in under five minutes. But if you can do all that in under four minutes, and you can eat all 500 pounds of bacon and 200 pounds of French fries, it's 600 gallons of sweet tea and 200 gallons Dr. Pepper, and it's only like a 25-hour drive from the beach. We get you to stay there for about six hours

you get back whole trip costs you probably about 100 bucks you get back you leave one of your kids there you don't got to take care of them no more because they can all they can do is if your kids get to where they can do the the champs burger challenge successfully they eat that thing for free and they get their t-shirt and they got those cups where whenever you leave it's plastic cups but it's got the name of the restaurant on it when you leave you can keep it at home you can take the cup with you and then you can all my cups are actually champs cups because that's the only uh only type of cups I own because I love my Tuscaloosa vacation so much. It's a chain, but I love it.

I'll take over from here, honey. So I gather that you haven't traveled much. I travel a lot for work. I've been all over the world. I'm the CEO of BlackRock. We don't want to go to any place with burger meat you know we don't want to go to any place

really let's just nix the American South okay you seem like you're from there and you seem just sort of that you're familiar with it and I'm glad you love it but me my wife and my son Baxton we will not be going to Tuscaloosa okay so you're familiar with it and I'm glad you love it. But me, my wife and my, and my son, um, Baxton,

we will not be going to Tuscaloosa. Okay. So let's think about, you know, Oh, I hear around this time of year, Lisbon's great. I also hear Paris is beautiful. Uh,

I've never actually been to Paris. Uh, my father's from there and we, you know, just never been. So let's take a look at paris what do you got for us in in in the city of love oh uh so if we're not doing the south i guess i mean it's hard for me even to say i have you ever been to g, Indiana? It's a beautiful town.

It's not too far from the south. And it's got one of the highest rates of gun violence in the country. And I think they say every day there, over 5,000 people are shot and killed. Another one I suggest you guys look at is shreveport louisiana i know you said i know you said nothing in the south but this is the city of love right there yeah if you want to go to paris the closest paris you got baby is uh is lafayette i'm telling you you know they speak a little bit of french down there it's kind of like a funny sort of french yeah another one and this is in the south to be fair but jack Jackson, Mississippi is a real pleasure to be around.

As long as, I mean, you guys are, let's face it, you guys are all white. You got nothing to worry about down there. Right, right, right. Except for the floods, the biblical floods, and the mosquitoes can carry your, as long as you keep your kids weighted down, like real heavy boots on, the mosquitoes can't carry them off too easy. They got cr crickets they got katydids the size of chihuahuas down there too it's kind of like all the plagues you know you got pestilence or the four horsemen i mean you got pestilence you got

death and famine and plague down there and but you do got fudruckers and i fucking love me a nice big cheeseburger um you can get a two-pounder down there. Oh, you said no cheeseburgers. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what? You guys don't even, come on. You guys don't even need to leave this area. Have you ever been to, you ever been to Buffalo?

Buffalo's beautiful. They invented chicken wings. And another good one, if you guys want to go west coast which is around where france is france is sort of the west france is sort of the california of europe you know what i mean because it's on the west coast of it stockton is a real nice area it's where the diaz brothers are from. And it is actually known for, it's sort of like, I forget what it was called, but in Dune,

the planet where all the Sardaukar were from, and they just sort of became evil over there, evil, giant, horrible warriors. It will meld your children into beasts, into hardened criminals. If you want to go to Europe, you can go to Dagestan. Have you ever heard of beautiful Dagestan? Oh, man, you know, I know Russia's got kind of a bad reputation,

but out there in Dagestan, you'll meet so many guys where the hairline starts one centimeter above their eyebrows. They do feats of strength over there where they chew on rebar, and they get in fights with wildebeests and yaks and stuff. You can't drink alcohol over there. That's unfortunate because all of them are the type of Muslim that we historically have been

enemies with. You can get in all sorts of shenanigans up there. You can fire a rocket launcher. You can join in all sorts of shenanigans up there. You can fire a rocket launcher. You can join the Chechen separatist movement, if you'd like, if you're a Warren type. Anyway, do you really want to get into travel agency? Oh, you know what? Actually, my final answer, if you guys don't want the American South, go with the Mexican North. Ciudad Juarez is a beautiful beach town.

It's only about 800 miles from the beach. And basically, you know, drinks are cheap. People are cheap, too. People are cheap. And if you want to, honestly, I made a lot of money down there just trafficking people. And I don't mean that in a bad way, but I did it. No, I don't want to be a travel agent, but I was thinking about maybe being a secret agent.

Yeah, if you joined the FBI headquarters up in New York, I feel like they'd take you. You know what I mean? I think so. I think I'd get the security clearance for sure. Yeah, super easy. Guys like you and me are probably really trusted. We could be trusted with top secret information.

On paper, I might be the perfect secret agent. And I don't mean that in a cocky way. I mean, I could be the next James Bond. I would be James Bond if he wasn't an alcoholic and if he had a steady home life. Yeah, like if he wasn't cool or charming in any way. Right. And if he was willing to do it for $45,000 a year.

Yeah, you should undersell the cia for all their spies it's like i know you pay basically these guys get carte blanche blank check you know i will put myself in harm's way and get tortured by chinese secret police for 51 000 the cartel can put stuff in my butt yeah and i won't say anything because you guys won't tell me anything i'll just kind of be i want the lowest level of security clearance in the world like below civilian and like maximum security prisoner where it's like they don't even they won't even tell me what day of the week it is i'm trying to think about you like you. You land a for real interview with the DEA. I'm just going to come out with the big cliche, brother.

We hire all sorts of people in the DEA. What makes you think that you're DEA material? And you're like, well, I feel like I hold up real well under torture. I won't mind if you chop my penis off or if you shove barbed wire on my asshole or if you kill my whole family in front of me. Yeah, so I've watched Scarface and I've also watched most of True Detective Season 1. Not all of it yet because it scares me

when Marty cheats on his wife. But basically, I see myself as a hardened, Russ Cole type guy because I also have old friends who hate me I also I also spend a lot of Thursdays drinking

and watching TV and I've also lost a lot of jobs which makes me think like with the DEA I don't play by the rules I don't know any I don't have a driver's license. I'm not a citizen, you know? So, like, to me, I feel like I'd be good undercover because, like,

I've always wanted, like, a leather jacket. And I grew up listening to Jay-Z, so I feel like that gives me a little bit of cred. that gives me a little bit of cred. Well, I would probably want to be undercover, like finding like, uh, um, like,

like taking down the Italian mob. Cause I know that's a big deal right now. I know that's big on everybody's mind. I want to be the first guy to fucking actually put Al Capone in jail, not just look for him. Right. Well, a couple of things.

So Al Capone's been gone a little while Thing two though Sure he has So back to the thing about the torture And you'd be sort of willing to subject yourself Or debase yourself rather to Depravity is unknown to God Man I

That's not really a part of the job That we you know We're not looking for masochists necessarily. It's nice to know that you think you could withstand torture. I don't think so. I got a brick up my ass right now, like an Acme, a Wile E. Coyote-style brick. I'm bleeding bad. So I appreciate the initiative um i guess i just want to know

like what's your education level you know what's your level of physical fitness yeah mental mental you know what is your kind of how would you describe yourself under duress you know so i went to the school hard knocks and i worked at the krabby Patty all through high school. And basically I became strong by putting my fucking, by putting my mind to shit and getting it done. And I used to watch the, um, I used to watch motivational videos where it would have Rocky like scenes from Rocky. And then it would be the instrumental from Eminem, not afraid. And then it would be for some reason, Arnold Schwarzenegger talking, and he would say, do not be afraid of becoming powerful

for it is powerful men that change the world. No man has ever changed the world by becoming weaker. Okay, okay, so kind of like a neo-masculine. Yeah, I used to smoke hella weed too and experiment. Okay, sexually or drug-wise? And I used to smoke hella weed too and experiment. Okay. Sexually or drug-wise? No, like in the garage. Oh, okay.

So you have a chemistry background. Yeah. So I used to make different types of colors with the food coloring and shit. A lot of mine I just came up with. I see fucking orange everywhere all the time now. Growing up, I made that shit. I took red and yellow and I fucking, I made that shit into icing. Okay, okay.

So it seems that you have little to no formal education. You don't really have like a tenuous, like you have like a tenuous grasp on reality. But you have a great tolerance for pain it seems and you seem pretty interested in the sexual you know torture part so i think honestly you're perfect for the dea um yeah i think if somebody needed to bust like a biker gang and then while that was happening like we had to distract them by like like, all of the bikers, like the hardened, tough, their breath smells bad, and they're sweaty all day. Gonorrhea bikers. Yeah.

If somebody needed a train run on them. Okay. I could, I invented, I came up with a sting in my head, and I made characters for all of them. They look like the guys from American Choppers. Okay, okay. And you're saying that if needed, you would let all of the... Yeah, if there was a guy who looked like the dad. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I forget what he's called. Or like if there was like a pawn shop and like all the guys from Pawn Star were there and we had to distract them by me sucking them off. Right. I wouldn't want that to happen. Okay.

Okay. I wouldn't be okay with that mentally, but it was for the the the dpa um the department of public alliance i would make it happen because i love my country i love that you're a patriot you know we want patriots here on the team at the ea um honestly you know we've got a team we're working on it's the it's the stew it's called the sexual torture unit uh basically we send basically your bait so we send you out with a team of narco uh you know guys and one guy one guy's gonna get found out pretty quick and then the cartel is gonna you know put poker rods in his butthole and they're gonna smash his nuts with a hammer and they're gonna make him wear a dress and

we don't want to lose any of our good guys like that so i think you'd be perfect for just sort of like a guy who just has the worst things done to him on human art do you die yeah okay okay okay so you're pretty you're pretty good at dying so we're going to need you to kind of um work on not dying you're gonna lose a lot of blood yeah we'll we'll put you through death training we'll kill you a bunch of times and we'll bring you back to life and then uh i did that growing up yeah yeah it's it's it's yeah we used to jump out of planes and then we'd respawn at outback we used to get free coupons and shit like that all the time. Man, I don't think...

Jump out of 100 planes, you get a free Bloomin' Onion. That'd be the funniest promotion of all time. Oi, mate. If you want a free Bloomin' Onion, all you gotta do is jump out of a plane 100 times. They should have done that post 9-11. Like, for every confirmed kill you get if you go to Afghanistan, you get a free Bloomin' Onion.

Honestly, dude, in the early 2000s. Dude, they would have fucking raked it in. That war would have been over in two months. They wouldn't have sat there for 20 years playing with their nutsack. They would have figured that shit out. Fucking lickety split. Yeah. Hey, so when you're at the army recruiter and it's like, all right, what do you want to do?

It's like, oh, you know, I just feel lost, man. I just don't know what I'm doing. All right. Infantry. Perfect. I want to let you know when you get over there, every fucking piece of shit you kill, you get a free double stack cheeseburger from chili's and an

antipresidente margarita so hey look you kill one guy that's dinner you kill two guys you know that's monday tuesday it's a night out you know you kill 10 guys you're set for a month you don't gotta eat anything else double stack cheeseburger alamo style you kill a thousand guys your whole family can eat yeah you're you're an alcoholic your whole family can eat i remember as a kid um just from like watching literally like james bond and um like just a lot of like spy movies i thought that like those guys made like insane money but like undercover agents like you don't like imagine making the same amount of money as a dentist but there's a not insignificant chance that you're gonna be your cover's gonna get blown

and then they're gonna like chop your toes off and like shove them in your penis hole you know what i mean like i feel like if that is a occupational hazard for me i need to be i need to be clearing like half a mil at least i don't need to be clearing like half a mil. At least. I don't need to be making like $73,000 a year after taxes. It just doesn't compute for me. Like, alright, you know. But what if you could get a King Ranch?

Fuck. Like a King Ranch? Like the bells and whistles? Yeah, lifted. That's tough. I'm not a big lift guy. Can you give me... I mean, put yourself in their shoes, I mean.

Yeah, that's true. Like, it would be very funny if, like, an FBI guy drove a lowered Cyclone. It just doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't... Like a lowered GMC. I feel like they would drive, like... I feel like the average one would drive, like, an old Mercedes or something. Maybe. Maybe. I feel like the average one would drive an old Mercedes or something.

Maybe. I feel like... Actually, I feel like they just wouldn't do that. I feel like it's like Mormons. Yeah. They wouldn't. Yeah. They would just drive a Honda Accord.

Yeah. It doesn't even have leather or anything. It's just kind of like an A to B type deal. I don't know. Do you think secret agents started acting more like james bond because of james bond you know like uh like how the mob started doing like godfather type shit yeah i don't know because of francis ford coppola you know yeah i mean i've read a ton about like the special activities group which is the cia is like that's their James Bond team.

Basically, they're assassins. And there's, like, I don't know, like 150 to 200 of them, and they're all recruited, you know, from, like, the high, like the tier one operator groups or whatever. And basically those guys do, like, they ride dirt bikes into compounds and they squad wipe dudes and, you know, like, they learn whatever language that they're taught. You know, they speak a bunch of languages and and they did do cool shit.

I jump out of helicopters. They rappel down in the buildings. They go John Wick on motherfuckers. And and but I feel like you don't like I feel like you don't need all that. Like you've got you've got missiles and shit now. Like I feel like it's a bygone era. Maybe you know what I mean? I could just be talking out of my ass. I don't understand war. You've got missiles and shit now. Like, I feel like it's a bygone era, maybe. You know what I mean?

I could just be talking out of my ass. I don't understand war. But, yeah, like, it's like... Yeah, you really don't, Jake. I don't, you know. War is nothing like that. It's all doing karate and kicking and spin-kicking grenades back at people and then going, sayonara, motherfuckers, and then blowing them up.

And then you put on your badass vest and you ride off on a motorcycle and you hit a little bump and you do a fucking backflip and then you land and then you make a million fucking dollars and you eat a big cheesecake and some Twizzlers when you get home.

Some of those... Some of those guys that get caught doing war crimes and then they get pardoned, like that Eddie Gallagher guy that Trump pardoned it was just like playing duck hunt with fucking you know women and children with his 50 cal some of them like when they get they come back here and they're disgraced or whatever um they'll be like oh you know there's just not a lot to do out there you know and you and you get the boredom drives you crazy i'm like man i've been

bored dude i've been bored i've been so bored i've done keyboard duster i never got so bored that i was like you know what sounds good i'm gonna blow a guy's head up like a cantaloupe with a fucking bullet the size of my leg but i don't know i mean i you know guys get you know what it is i mean people out there they get fucked up. War makes you crazy. I would probably spread the gospel of improv comedy to the native peoples. Dude, that is just going up to some fucking Kandahar farmer like, have you ever heard of Yes And? So I'm going to be the postman, and you are so frustrated with me because I didn't get your package on time because you live out in the mountains. you're gonna be yourself but you're gonna do an accent you're gonna do a

british accent he's just like pulling a big sword like a scimitar out of his poncho whatever the fuck those guys like to wear um men's warehouse suits i would i would imagine they wear out in the farm the candahar mountains or the afghan k Kandahar Mountains. The Afghan kush. Yo, I want to smoke some fucking kush, dude. You do? You want to smoke fucking kush and get high off fucking weed, dude? Yeah. That sounds pretty good to me right now.

Dude, one of my favorite things is whenever I roll up some of that roll up. You feel me? Some of that Bin Laden weed. And I get so fucking stoned off my goddamn toes that I start getting fucking zooted and I start fucking smoking fucking hella weed and just rolling up fucking bongs and smoking dabs out of fucking the oven and shit and smoking joints.

Sometimes I'll smoke a fucking gummy off a tinfoil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how high I get. I get fucking gummy off a tinfoil yeah yeah yeah that's how high i get i get fucking gummy bear poisoning yeah you get tinfoil poisoning and you're i get gelatin lung yeah that's it that's that i get you motherfuckers been high you never got gummy lung before that's how high we get i smoked one time i smoked a thousand weed before i even woke up yeah i smoke that shit my sleep playboy yeah i smoke so much fucking weed i crashed my I smoked One time I smoked A thousand weed Before I even Woke up Yeah I smoked That shit in my sleep

Playboy Yeah I smoked So much fucking weed I crashed my car Through a goddamn train And I kept going The train stopped Yeah I smoked

So much weed They put me in Fast and Furious Yeah I smoked So much fucking weed That NASA called me And they said Hey we just

Fucking sent a rocket up Turns out you higher Than that rocket Yeah Well you high You about high as shit, boy. I smoke so much diesel they call me Vin. Damn. I smoke so – what I smoke is so cushy they thought I was a fucking couch.

I smoke so much purple they call me Grimace. Damn. I smoke so much purple, they call me Grimace. Damn. I smoke so much grass, they thought I was a wildfire. I smoke so much granddaddy, they call me Pappy. Damn. I smoke... I'm running out of weed.

I smoke so many joints, they call me Arthritis. I smoke so much Z running out of weed. I smoke so many joints they call me arthritis. I smoke so much Zaza they call me hotel. I smoke so many blunts they call me Dean. That's good. So many names you could do that to. I smoke so much blunt they call me Emily I smoke so much gas they call me unleaded I smoke so many blunts

Blunts say let me be Thomas I smoke so much joint they call me knee Yeah I smoke I smoke so many I smoke so many I smoke so many pipes they call me pouring your grease down the drain. I smoke so much reefer people look at me and they go, damn, he look like a piece of coral. and they go, damn, he look like a piece of coral. I smoke so much pot they call me gumbo.

I smoke so much loud they ask me to turn that volume down. Yeah. Ask me to turn that volume down. Yeah, I smoked so many grams they thought I was cracker. You're like being questioned by like a narco agent. And they're like, look, we found 150 pounds of marijuana in your trunk. Really, you just need to tell us who you're buying from. We're interested in the big fish kit.

We're interested in you. Yeah, I smoke so much fucking, I smoke so much sticky. They say, they look at me and they say, that's one of that he's a vast motherfucker. Yeah, I smoke a zip so fast. They call me hoodie. Listen, officer. Listen, son, uh, we need to cut the games out. So you just need to tell us, you know, where'd you get, where'd you get that much ganja from?

Yeah, I smoke so much ganja that they call me. They say, boy, that boy's gone. Yeah, I smoke some, your officer i i smoke so many dime bags they call me daryl yeah yeah i mean i i hit i hit so many bongs they call me fucking billy billy yeah billy bong yeah that's what they call me i smoke so much fucking i smoke so much weed they call me whacker i smoke so many backwoods they call me redneck yeah man i'm fucking yeah i smoke so much Reggie, they call me Bush. Yeah.

I smoke so much Bush, they call me George. I smoke so many Dutchies, they call me George. I smoke so many Dutchies they call me Anne Frank. I smoke so many White Owls they call me a barn. They say, damn, you be hooting. They say, that boy hoots so much how many White Owls I smoke. Yo, hey, hey, but for real, officer, I be smoking so many Swishers they call me house.

Yeah. Man, I smoke so many zigzags. They call me zebra. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for car. Thanks for bringing me in big boss. I really appreciate chatting with you. I don't think you understand, man.

You're looking at like 25 to life here. Yeah. Well, Mr. Officer, I smoke so many bowls they call me soup. All right. I can see you're not being cooperative today. So, you know, we're going to throw you in the clink. Yeah, can I smoke weed in there? Can I smoke some of that fucking? Yeah.

I smoke so much that fucking Uh yeah I smoke so much Doja they call me cat I don't I don't kill so many weeds they call me roundup Yeah yeah I smoke so much dro They call me young Yeah

Yeah I smoke I smoke so much marijuana They call me The weed smoker Oh man That's awesome stuff That's fucking That's content right there baby

You know Yeah so I smoke so much fucking Oh man, that's awesome stuff. That's fucking, that's content right there, baby, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I smoke so much fucking... I smoke so much fucking drugs they call me an addict. Yeah. You're like trying to brag, like at a party. It's like somebody rolls you a blunt And passes it to you

And Like oh do you smoke man Dude I smoke so much fucking weed They call me somebody Who ruined their whole life Man I smoke so much meth My doctor knows about it Yeah I smoke so much rock

I ruin my whole family man Who you think you're fucking with I smoke so much rock They call me Dwayne Yeah They call me duane yeah they call me johnson that's one thing i got i smoke so much crack they call me sidewalk i smoke so much crack i smoke so much rock they want to know what's cooking and i'll tell you right now it's that crack baby yeah yeah Yeah. I smoke so much glass. They call me mirror.

I smoke so much ice. They, they, they asked me to put a coat on. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot more limited with these ones.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm running out pretty quick. The gas is fucking, we're on the low end of that. I smoke so much. I smoke so much horse, they call me Stahl. Yeah. Yeah, I snort so much white, they call me Betty.

Yeah. They say, what's up Betty I go after I go after H so much they call me I man that's that's rough I'm not even gonna hold you player that's uh

yeah I'm after that I'm after that H like I like you're in a rehab facility man can you fucking tighten it the fucker hey yo I you know I smell I'm after that I'm after that age like I Like you're in a rehab facility man Can you fucking tighten it the fucker Hey yo I You know I smell

I'm all I get off at age People look at me and they go Hello Your whole family's crying Yeah they're crying dude They're just like You're doing this during an intervention

Yeah yeah yeah They're like We found the needles man And it's fucking I thought you fucking cleaned it up. Man, I got so many Tregmores, they call me Daytona. Your fucking mom's just like, my boy. My fucking baby boy.

Hey, mom, I need you to cool it. Because I fucking shoot so much dope, they call me smoker. Yeah, yeah. i fucking do that i do so much smack it i'd be like i got the down smack down you know what i mean bitch yeah that's uh that's funny stuff right there blabey that's that good shit i dude that man of all of them they're all bad but the I would really kind of piss me off I'm not gonna lie to you

that's fucking dead yo I'm after that H like I that's that's man that's tough stuff I mean you know heroin is heroin's really strong drug

and I nod off so much they call me yes sir oh man I don't even fucking I'm on so much Narcan they call me Narball yeah oh man so much Narcan, they call me Nar-wall.

Yeah. Oh, man. Man, I got them shakes like Dairy Queen right now. Yeah, they're like trying to give you methadone. You're like talking to the therapist. They're like, so why do you think you abuse drugs?

Like, I'm on so much fent right now, they call me Rihanna. Fenty makeup, you see what I'm saying, Playboy? Yeah. Anyway, you know, we don't have to continue that one too long. I think we did that for about 15 minutes. That's all good, you know, it's all fine. Yeah, I leave the country next week.

I'm really excited, man. It's a vacation I've been looking forward to for a while. Yeah. And, you know, I'm going to get to hang out with Irish people, which I hear they're pretty nice. Yeah, I hear a lot about Irish people. Not. All right, come back.

Is your family mostly from Ireland? Like descendants? No, dude. The 23andMe said I'm like 99.8% British and like French. Yanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm,

I'm not like, I don't even know why I did that fucking thing, man. Uh, because I know like, it's not, if you're a white dude from the South, you don't,

there's not a lot of mystery. You know what I mean? Like with my girlfriend, it made sense because, um, like, I think she said like some of her family was from lebanon like way back and uh portugal and stuff but i feel like for guys like

you and me it's like you're just british like that's it like you're just british and german and french there's no need to put your dna in a database or whatever the fuck but it's actually i found out i was part welsh so it was pretty interesting for me weren't you like you had like some greek in you and some shit too like yeah just like broadly mediterranean it wasn't like i don't have like heritage you know what i mean where it's like i feel like if you're partially at least you've had family from a place and you know where it was it's kind of cool but it's like the balkans and all that it's like well they all hate each other so it's right yeah yeah like you you go to greece and you're like yeah it might be greek or albanian a little bit and they're like well that's either good or bad yeah you need to figure that

out right now before i kill you assuming the other one you know i mean yeah it's like i feel like it's fine i'll just be a regular white guy forever. That's good with me. If you're like a quarter something, I think that's the cutoff to where you can be like, oh, I got this. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm like 132nd Native American. It's like, that was just bound to happen at some point. Right, right, right. That doesn't mean you're Native American.

I got 0.5% North African, which was very funny. Because everybody's got a little bit of sub-saharan it's just like where everybody came from but i had 0.5 percent like like uh what the fuck's up there like the strait of gibraltar it's like it connects the iberian peninsula to africa it's like that whole area moroccan, Egyptian, which that's cool, you know, like to be one of those guys. You get to do the fucking dances and shit and pyramids and stuff. Yeah. But I got a little from like Israel in that area, but it was like one percent. So I don't think you get to your way.

I think that would be very funny if you could do birthright because you're still of age. No, no. Yeah, but not off like fucking 1%. I don't know, man. You know, I feel like you would thrive. I think you can only. No, I think you. I don't think it works like that.

I think you could thrive in Israel, bro. I think you'd do pretty good. I don't think I would do very well in Israel. Why not? You kind of have the look. You know, you have the vibe. The economy is not great over there. Yeah, I see what you're saying.

It's hard to... Look, I'm a money-making individual, and I chase bags on the daily. You know, like today, I looked on Indeed for over five minutes. And then I didn't apply for anything. do, I didn't apply for anything. Right. But I looked, you know. Sometimes you got to go on Indeed and just not even sign in. Yeah.

You know. I checked, I checked Robinhood and it turned out I had like 25 cents that I'd forgotten to withdraw. Nice. That's money. That's a money machine. Clean that out. Yeah. Yeah.

So, you know, I hustle. I need to figure out how my 401k works. My old job. Because there's. Yeah, dude. I need to figure out how my 401k works my old job because there's yeah dude i need to fucking i tracked down i'm working on like tracking down this one 401k i had from like a warehouse job because i realized i think i have like 400 bucks yeah yeah that's how i just like left you know yeah that's how my i'm like it it's money. It's just enough money for me to put the effort in to figure out how to get it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Exactly. Yeah. But, yeah, you know, not much else going on. You know, I'm still living an unemployed life. I can't file for unemployment. People forget. I think with the show, neither of us can uh because we're self-employed because we're self-made yeah we're self-made millionaires and then uh like i think

it's like just enough money between the two of us to like you know fuck the game up a little bit yeah but uh i would probably get fucked if i ever tried to just because if they like looked at my bank statements and stuff yeah well you get you you allegedly get paid under the table too you know right right and then the irs would be like damn dude you're still broke as fuck like you're doing money laundering or whatever and you're not even like for this yeah you're doing money laundering or whatever, and you're not even like for this. Yeah, you're getting paid under the table for like $9 an hour. Like, hey, we thought somebody was just paying you their part of rent. Yeah. This is what you make for a living?

I'm like, shut up. Shut up, bitch. I'm like, shut up. This is a huge operation. Send me to prison, please. God. I need to go to jail. Jail's cool.

You got no rent. Three square meals a day. You know. They should make it like a minor jail for guys who don't want to do anything. You should get paid to go to jail.

I agree with you. I genuinely think. I think you should not a crazy amount or anything but when you get out you should just be like hey this is yours.

This is your jail. You can be like hey glad I fucking hit that lady with my car. Yeah yeah. Thank God. Well I do feel Stacking up. It's fucked up. This is your jail. You can be like, Hey, glad I fucking hit that lady with my car. Yeah. Yeah. God. Well, I do feel like enough.

It's fucked up. This happens in Texas somewhat frequently, but when guys just get wrongly accused in like 1982 and then like DNA evidence, Oh, like a murder. Yeah. DNA evidence absolves them like 40 years later and they're like 62 years old and the state's like all right man hey we fucked up pretty bad bro um good luck suing us because like we're the state of texas

and nobody really cares um about people like you like you're not a criminal but you might as well be one you know what i mean because you spent like most of your life incarcerated and stuff so good luck like finding a job or like getting health insurance find a place to live or you know here's the pair of shoes you came in here with um here's a ten dollar bill that you had in your wallet came here it's not in circulation anymore you can't really use that and if you do um it's like almost it's basically counterfeiting so it's pretty illegal um yeah go go out there and be somebody man you know you're 62 so you could probably retire you know in a few years you know retirement oh you've been you've been saving up right yeah yeah you've been you've been doing the license plate thing for how much you

got in savings 36 that's gonna get you um to the bus stop you know what i mean and then from there the world's your oyster man you know it's uh the world's out there for the taking you probably when's the last time you got some pussy 1981 there's a lot of pussy to get out there you know and uh and and women really like guys who spent 40 years in jail you know what i mean for a crime they didn't commit i would get so good at beatboxing if you put me in there for 40 years. I probably would get good at making knives and toilet wine. I wouldn't get good at whittling because you can't have knives, right?

I mean, you can do whatever the fuck you want in jail. I know, but if I got put in solitary, I'd be so sad. Yeah, it's a pretty fucked up place to be, I hear. I would get so sad I couldn't even practice my ballet. It would be too dark in there. I would probably mostly focus on ballet and home decor. Yeah, you just make the cell really nice. You get Wayfair stuff.

Yeah. You use your commissary to get Ikea furniture. Yeah, I would probably do that. And then I'd also start collecting guns to protect me in the jail. I would probably start ordering, have guns sent to the jail and say, oh, that was for me. That was my Glock 19. Yeah. And they'd say, okay, well, you're not supposed to have it, but you ordered it.

You paid for it, so here you go. Mm-hmm. And they'd say, here's some ammo for it. Your dad meets you. You've been away three months. It's the first time visiting. He's like, son, I ain't going to be here a long time, but I just want you to know me and your mom support you.

If you need money for your books, you're just like, I need money because that prison cell is just so gray. He's like. I'm like, I think I need Invisalign. He's like, what? I'm like, you know, I had an overbite growing up yeah you got you paid a bunch of money for me to get braces i didn't keep up with the retainer i think my permanent retainer is shifting a little bit i think i need i need four grand for invisalign i need invisalign

right now you know i need the other people are making fun of me for having an overbite i need lip filler can you make that happen it's bad enough they shaved my head. It turns out my hairline is slightly receding, Dad. Yeah. And it turns out they don't – I tried to get sprouts delivered here, and they don't deliver. I was trying to get the hot bar stuff, like the soups and all that, the mac and cheese, but they don't deliver it here. So I don't know what i'm gonna do

i am i made a flight i think i would probably i think i would probably become a master of people become a yeah yeah you'd be yeah you'd be kind of you'd be the getter from shawshank you'd be morgan freeman yeah i could see i'd be the i'd be the i'd work my way up to Warden yeah they're like well god damn son ain't never done no shit like this but you're such a model prisoner

we're gonna let you run the motherfucker how's that sound thanks Warden I'd say I'll do it but only for one one reason

one reason and that's to to make this the best jail that ever existed. And I would turn it around and everybody would have like fucking, it would look like one of those Swedish prisons except it would be badass as fuck. And it would be, there would

be neon lights everywhere. Strobe lights. Every night's a dance night. And we'd get DJs in there. There's fog machines. Everybody's dancing on each other. We got feathers everywhere. We's fog machines. Everybody's dancing on each other. We got feathers everywhere. We got sequins.

We got outfits. And I would get I'll probably get the whole population of Huntsville really into hyper pop. Yeah. Into like synth wave and shit like that. Like German pop. Yeah. Yeah. I could see you doing something like that.

I think I could do it. If you're listening to this, that means that you're a sick-ass motherfucker with a fat set of nuts. It also means that you're listening to the free episode. You should head on over to patreon.com slash pandejo time where you can get even more awesome content. Like, they smoke so much loud they call me speaker. And five bucks a month gets you access to a bonus episode every week.

And Discord access. A lot of cool people in there. Friends of all shapes and sizes. $10 a month gets you access to all that shit. Bonus episode, Discord, and video episodes. We just did a couple over the weekend. We got a backlog of those. And, yeah, you get access to all that shit. And then you could pay 50 bucks a month if you want.

You don't get anything extra. If you pay 50 bucks a month and you send me proof, I will let you write a script for me that I have to read on the episode. But you have to sign up in advance, so it's like $500 actually. If you give the show $500, I probably won't actually do that. I'll say I'll do it, and then you can't find out where I live or what I do, and then I won't do it, and you'll just have given us $500. Thanks for listening. Goodbye.

Bye.