Pendejo Time - something in the water (feat. turdhurricane)

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

Thank you to our friend @turdhurricane for joining me. You can find him on Twitter as well as TikTok. Back to business as usual next weekSupport the Show.

And we're back for a little special episode this week. Jake is on a little timeshare trip at the moment. He'll be back with us shortly. In the meantime, I have fully replaced him with our friend Matt. Matt, how are you doing this week? I'm alright. I'm hanging out. Scratching my gut and all that. That's good.

I've been, um... Jesus Christ. Anyway. We got one hell of a show for you tonight. Or I guess today. You know, I never know when these upload. It's usually Jake's responsibility. But that's okay.

So Matt, where do you see yourself in 200 years? I don't know. I imagine on a robot body, if I had any say in it, if I had any say in the matter, I'd like to be a robot. I think that'd be cool. i'd like to be a robot i think that'd be cool i'd like to see that i'd like to see you as a robot as well i think uh i think it's important to leave yourself open options like that you know like uh i remember when i was a kid i told people i was going to be a wind turbine someday and And, you know, everybody thought, that's silly.

You know, he's been eating glue again. But, you know, you look at me now and, yeah, I'm about 300 feet tall and I spin around. So, how about that? Yeah, jokes on that. Yeah. That's what you get, Mrs. Can't think of a name that isn't like an actual one of my teacher's names um and i live too i don't want to call a random teacher i had like a bitch or something because

you know yeah miss glow gone yeah anyway that that is my uh my best impression of a fake last name is glow gone if that is your last name you're listening you got a shitty ass last name yeah that's your fault you should yeah we're gonna get that under control quick i never i never really wanted to be like anything fantastical growing up but like i i don't know i the only thing i remember that i was like like straight up like memory as far as like future aspirations that was like stupid was i was like okay i want to be on an aircraft carrier but also a pizza chef and sometimes i'm an astronaut but most importantly i want to be a pizza chef that's that's big up there

you know honestly not that you mentioned it yeah making a pizza always seemed like it was uh like some lost art that there were like five guys who knew how to do it yeah like you know like you see them throw them up throw it up in the air and you're like god they hold the secrets of the universe. And it turns out it's just a different type of sandwich, mostly. Yeah. But, yeah, I remember when I was a little kid, I thought guys in, like, biker gangs got, like, paid to just ride the motorcycle. I thought they all did that for a living.

As it turns out, many of them do get paid, but it's through meth trafficking. Yeah. Narcotics dealing. Yeah. That's not really what I was looking for in a career. I think everybody, or maybe it was just me, I feel like at my school

I was in like 5th grade Everybody wanted to be Marine biologists For a while That was Everybody was on that wave Yeah Being like yeah

I want to just talk to dolphins For a living Which is stupid as fuck Because that's a dumb ass thing to do Even on vacation Is swim with a dolphin or something I mean that's just yeah it's just a low iq activity right there yeah like go bigger like what's stopping like like this so dude i

want to swim with a whale i want to hang out with a big ass whale yeah you know it's a lot cooler than hanging out with a dolphin killing a whale with a boat propeller accidentally? Oh, hell yeah. I think big. I don't know. I was never on the ocean wavelength. I don't know. Now I'm more into it. Growing up, I was always a space kid. I thought space was sick as hell.

I want to meet aliens. Tame robots. You know? Yeah. So I want to meet aliens, tame robots, you know. Yeah, I thought Lord of the Rings was really cool. Not sure what category that fits in. Just sort of wanted to be one of the guys in Lord of the Rings, mostly. I guess I really just wanted to have a sword and kill people with it. Yeah.

I was really hoping... I kind of misunderstood that when you grow up, there's not just bad guys that you kill. I remember as a kid, I was really mad for a few days when I found out that bad guys get criminals. I mean, get, not criminals. Jeez. Pull it together, Thomas. Bad guys get funerals. I thought...

I thought if you ever committed a crime, they should just put your body in the trash or something. Like, in my, you know, my mom explained or whatever. She was like, I mean, there's still people. They have families've been my you know my mom explained or whatever she was like i mean there's still people they have families and stuff you know and i was like they shouldn't get funerals they should if you're a bad guy they should shoot you and just leave you there yeah rot in the street which as it turns out is just what they do in the philippines um so in many ways was ahead of my time but yeah i mean and then like i think a lot of people are i want to be an architect be cool it's not that cool you know um this is just buildings are all about the same you know know, just different. They already figured it out. Like, come on, dude. Like, you think you're going to be, like, the next big guy?

Like, they already did Art Deco. What's there more to do? Yeah, when I walk into a burger joint and the ceilings are 20 feet high, all it tells me is that I'm paying too much for the burger. Yeah. I like going to restaurants now where they got the fucking shitty

Like panel ceilings With like water damage in them And the ceiling's like six feet off the ground somehow That's how I know And then you know Then the food looks like shit But it tastes good That's how I know it's gonna be a good

Experience for me Either that or they do like Costco style Like there's just no Like it's just like Insco style like there's just no like it's just like insulation and like oh yeah yeah like like a warehouse yeah warehouse style then you know like like i'd say you're safe bet with that for sure i think the one of the main like alarms that rings off is either like

broken down arcade machines any like too much like reclaimed wood is suspicious to me yeah shit's expensive I'm like why are you spending so much on the interior stuff like that you know

this isn't This isn't my scene But What's your What's your go to for a burger So There's this place nearby We discovered

Last few months Actually went there on accident Initially cause I thought I was thinking of a different burger place and ended up here, uh, it's called, if you're in the Fort Worth area, it's called Tommy's, it's, it's good, um, and they've got this burger called, uh, the Junkyard Burger, and, uh, I don't even know what all's on it I think it's I think it's two patties It's either two or four slices of cheese

But it's It's Yeah it's two slices of cheese But two different kinds of cheese And then it's got like fried jalapenos I think Bacon And Jalapenos, I think. Bacon.

Sauteed onions and mushrooms. And a few other things on it. That's really good. And it's just like a classic old diner type place. Nice people. What about you? I don't know. I'll admit it. I'm basic as hell. I'm not a mark for In-N-Out, uh i don't know i'm i'll admit it i'm basic as hell i'm i'm not a mark

for like in and out but like i don't know like they just make a good cheeseburger they do um do you get it like a fancy like animal style or no just a classic just just classic cheeseburger i don't know i I like my veggies. I like that crispness to it. I know what you mean. I don't know. The sauteed onions, that's good every once in a while,

but I don't know. I like just having a nice tomato and lettuce. Can't beat it. That's a good point. I think where a lot of fast food burgers fall short is the freshness of the vegetables. Yeah. In particular, because they get, you know, they get mushy after a while. And then you just got like slosh.

Yeah, you just got goo. You just got a wet top bun. And, you know, what can you do about it? Nothing. Yeah, you're just, and then, yeah. Just a shitty cheeseburger. Just a greasy mess in the passenger seat. Yeah.

Yeah, and then you're just, you know, you're trying to drink your old milkshake, but you got a gun in your mouth, too, and you can't even swallow right. You know, it's just, it's tough. It's a damn shame. Yeah, I got a fucking chocolate milkshake the other day they didn't put any chocolate syrup in there and it was just a it was like a it's just milk it wasn't didn't even have a flavor really it was just like soft serve but it didn't um it was like it was like drinking drinking a mix or something. It took me so long to figure out. I got a small milkshake, too. It took me so long to figure out.

I was halfway through before I could figure out what they'd done to it. I was like, huh, vanilla. And then I was like, no, not quite. How is this not even? I assumed it came out Vanilla by default But no this was just Milkshake It's just slurpy

I mean it was like It just tasted like Sweet milk Which was fine I guess You know Then it got me thinking, how much vanilla do they even put in vanilla ice cream?

If it tastes almost like vanilla ice cream without the vanilla flavoring. Yeah, I wasn't too far off. That's fucked up. Anyway, those are my main problems in life right now Is the milkshake I drank a full week ago

And uh This burger I've decided to get mad at Um Anyway It's important for a man to Pick his battles Like that Yeah

I feel like Like 90% Nah that's too high it's like 70% of like my my gripes in life are like food related but it's like what I feel like it's like so silly to get upset over yeah like I keep buying eggnog, even though I'm lactose intolerant. And then chugging a pint of eggnog and then being like, man, my stomach hurts. And I don't know why. My God, this is, you know, all the glyphosate And everything in the food Nowadays you know It's just

It's all bad for you It all gives you cancer Then I'm just drinking like Basically like Sugar poison But uh Yeah I mean what can you do

Yeah Ah Let's see what we got here You doing anything cool this week? Uh Let's see No No

No I've just been I've just been playing Fucking Dark Souls Playing playing through that. Yeah. I got you. I don't remember what I was playing.

I was playing Counter-Strike the other day, but I was just doing like gun game on there, basically. Yeah. And I don't mean to sound like a grouch but i paid for the like the the eight dollar thing that like helps with bots or whatever yeah i feel like there's still bots to get through that like i feel like there's still aim assist and shit yeah and there yeah there yeah i feel like i don't know csgo it's just been around where it's like, I don't know, I feel like that's just a problem that's going to be for life. Especially in games like that, you know, gun game. I feel like that gets more filtered out if you're playing casual, not casual matches, but the actual stuff where rank matters.

Like the ranked, yeah. like actual stuff where like rank matters like the ranked yeah like the other game like the little

fun game modes you know that they don't care too much about that oh well what can you do you know

get mad and kill a bunch of people over it probably not probably shouldn't do that you know that's just how

it goes um in gun game do you do you find yourself like ever like getting kind of stuck at a certain weapon class yeah for sure um any time i've got like that uh oh it would be called like a negev or whatever in Call of Duty, I guess. But kind of like the chain type. Yeah, the LMGs. Yeah.

I get stuck on those a lot. Especially at like the lake house map. Yeah. Like anything where it's mostly like kind of longer distance stuff. The trick I've found is just like crouch like i don't know you're bound to like get something because like i don't know crouching narrows like the spray and that that like i don't know i've gotten fuckers all the way at their spawn like just by crouching with like the nigga or whatever but like i feel you yeah and i had to i had to start like basically

like burst firing with it too because the kickback on it is like pretty significant yeah like after like three or so shots it really affects your accuracy um but i don't know i get i get hung up on the shotguns because like i don't know yeah yeah i'm just i just i just like i don't know i get i get hung up on the shotguns because like i don't know yeah yeah i'm just i just i just like i don't know i start to like kind of like lose my temperament or cool i guess like when i'm like up in someone someone's space like where it's effective yeah yeah if i get knifed well i just get real pissed off, and I'm just not good for a while. Yeah. But what can you do?

Anytime I, like, get better at any of those games, I'll, like, it'll be the first time in a while that I've played with somebody that I know, and I'll, like, hop on a game and just, they're just carrying the whole time. It's not that i thought that i had gotten like good at it but i'm like okay all right well maybe next time yeah next time but it's okay no i feel you like i don't know i i am my i fuck with csgo but like i'm not like crazy good at it to where I keep playing it. Like, I think, like, the last time I did anything cool in it was, like, 2016.

Yeah, like, I don't know. It was, like, the only game I played for a long time, but I didn't really play anything that often. So I would just, you know, play, play like an hour every couple weeks like it's been the main game i've played for really since i've built my pc like two or three years and i've got like less than 200 hours on it um i mean let me see how many i think you might have me be except yeah yeah i probably only got like 110 hours on it oh no i got i got i got i got 282 yeah i'm not like i'll see people on steven they've got like 5 000 hours on it i'm like god damn i don't know i just i respect it It's like You become a certain age I feel

And you're like This is my one game I get off work I'm gonna put an hour Into this And then Eat dinner Yeah

But That does make the It makes the I feel like it makes Like the interactions On there more fun Because people get so Fucking mad about

Like Especially on the Ranked matches I found the like the interactions on there more fun because people get so fucking mad about like um especially on the ranked matches i found the one of the best ways to piss people off on that game is uh to just play ranked matches like they're just call of duty yeah like don't don't use shields or anything like don't don't fuck with any of that just don't bother learning how grenades or the sprays work or any of that shit just go in there and look for headshots run and gun um turn your mouse sensitivity down pretty low um if you get the bomb or whatever just fucking leave it on the ground yeah whatever you can do throw it throw at someone. It's their problem. Right.

Yeah. It's almost Christmas time. You doing anything for a special holiday? I think I'm just going, like, see my mom. Hang out with the girlfriend's family also. Sick. What about you? Uh, probably the same.

Probably go see my parents. Um. Probably just gonna be us and them. Uh. And then I'm going to go see some other family around New Year's, I believe. So that'll be cool. I'll get to see my nephew. Cool.

Big old hoss. And, yeah. School just finished up the semester, basically. Just got finals left. So, got a little down time after that. Be nice. I guess I'll probably just go back to working more for a while, but that's okay. Get that moolah.

Yeah. You gotta get that moolah. Oh, you need it. It's okay. Get that moolah. Yeah. You gotta get that moolah. Oh, you need it. It's mandatory. You need that moolah, basically. Like, you... You might think you got it, but you don't got nothing

if you don't got that moolah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Moo-na-doo-dee-doo. Yeah I think I think we need to space our holidays out a little bit more though Yeah Maybe we could do Maybe we could do Christmas. Christmas can be where it is, I guess, but Thanksgiving needs to be in the spring, maybe.

I think. Maybe better. Or September, at least. I'd be fine with that. Yeah. I guess we got Easter in the spring, but I don't know. Easter is like. I feel like it kind of celebrates easter but not really like yeah like a mom will make like a weird pork loin or something and then that's like it

if you don't have kids it's like yeah that's what i guess yeah we're having lunch or brunch or whatever yeah you gotta wear like pastel or something i don't know did you grow up christian yeah i grew up uh eastern orthodox oh nice yeah yeah i went to greek church oh cool is uh like are your parents from greece or uh no so uh on my dad's side they're Armenian and Portuguese and my mom's just Mexican so I don't know uh I don't know

what like I think my dad kind of decided oh we're gonna go to Eastern Orthodox Church just cause he wanted like I think like I don't know Greek is close enough to Armenian. Fuck it. Nice.

Yeah, I guess I thought Eastern Orthodox for some reason was, like, further east. Because I don't really know what it is. It just seems like a type of, like catholicism but for like wizards a little bit i don't know that much it's i don't know it's like more chill like it's i don't know like i never like like i don't know i never like was afraid because like i know the big difference is eastern orthodox priests can marry i know like catholic is Eastern Orthodox priests can marry. I know Catholics, they can't. I don't know.

I don't know a whole lot. That's my big fact I pull, usually. So you get to wear robes, but you also get to get pussy. Yeah, exactly. And the robes, by the the way They're tight as hell Really Yeah they're pretty like I don't know

They do their thing for sure Yeah they do Like Easter They put that shit on Yeah like Posca They got that purple shit out Yeah they got that purple shit out. They got the purple shit? Yeah, they got that purple shit out. Christmas, they in the red and the silver.

Damn. That's what I'm talking about. Mr. Put That Shit On. No. No, no. I wanted to start an Eastern Orthodox church, but with no knowledge of the religious sect itself. Just see how long I can stay in business.

I think we should do, you know, like in the... See, in the 80s and 90s If you wanted to stop being Like a A pimp You could just become Like a reverend Yeah

I feel like that That yeah That sauce definitely Translates over to like Preaching Yeah But We should do that to where

Like you know Let's say if you're like a rapper or something now, you can be a reverend, but you have to be an Eastern Orthodox reverend. Wiz Khalifa But in the Like majestic silver Prophet robes I think I'd love to see I'd love to see like Imagine like I think that tracks Cause like

I know another big thing In Eastern Orthodoxy Is incense Lot of incense Lot of Like Lot of incense going So you can

Like You can spice that shit up Imagine like 3-6 Mafia But it's like I don't know I think there's potential there You know what I mean We could make a lot of money off this

And that's what Eastern Orthodoxy is all about Is getting your trap booming As they say Anyway Is getting your trap booming As they say Anyway We've decided for this next week We will be both creating a new religion And destroying One existing one

So in the running we have Shintoism Which has been Pretty much on it's way out for a while um we have buddha buddhism um we decided that hinduism was better than buddhism so uh buddhism might be on its way out we also have um uh coptic christianity because i don't know what that is so that's fine if it's gone. Yeah, fuck them. And we have

Islam which some consider to be an evil religion. I don't think that's true. Yeah. I don't think it's an evil religion. I think people should stop saying that but we can axe it if we want to

and we will be adding you guys vote by the way which one of these we're getting rid of. We'll be adding one new, brand new religion of your choosing. My suggestion is trap-oriented Eastern Orthodoxy, as we just discussed. Do they have feasts yeah or no food festivals that's like a big thing

okay like they'll have like a food festival where like I know that's like kind of like a lot of their like supplemental income

will come from besides like tithing or whatever you know so like they'll just like kind of the community like or like the church community comes together and like hosts like a like food festival and like i guess like like yeah like i just grew up in a greek church so it was just greek food but like if you're like aaning. You would, like, serve Russian food or whatever.

Nice. But, yeah. Yeah, I grew... Yeah, the food festival, that was, like, big every year. And then my dad, he, like, ran maintenance for that. So I was always, like, kind of, like, forced, like, ball and told to help. Oh, yeah. I know what you mean.

Yeah, my dad was a preacher growing up so i always got to just fucking like hang out before and after stuff like before and after the fun parts of things where it's like woohoo it's like yeah you get to stay for another three hours while we pick up chairs. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Or like, yeah, I had a, okay, you're coming along and you're gonna,

you're gonna help set up all the trash cans. Well, me, your dad, I'm gonna, I'm gonna install wet bulbs.

Yeah. Y'all have, Dolmas are in Greek food, right? Yeah. If y'all call them, do y'all call them Dolma dolmas are in Greek food, right? Yeah. If y'all call them, do y'all call them dolma? Yeah. Or is it something else?

So there's, there's dolmas and then there's like another, I, oh, this is, it's going to kill me because I know there's like two, like, I don't know. And I don't know which is which. So, and I know. Is one with grape leaves and one with, uh, something else? No, they're both grape leaves, but one is like rice filling and the other one is like meat filling. So like... I think...

Not to... From my understanding so far, and I didn't grow up Greek, but I think dolma is just rice. Yeah. Usually. Yeah. I don't know if Greek. But I think dolma is just rice. Usually. I don't know if it's used interchangeably. I don't know what the other one's called. I've only had dolma, I think. That sounds right. I've had some Middle Eastern stuff

where eggplant was used as a wrap, too. That was interesting But it's a little bit more sour Um Yeah But uh I hadn't really had eggplant Really at all

Until I started eating More Middle Eastern food Yeah eggplant fucks I like Uh Moussaka Yeah Baba ganoush

Yeah Good stuff. I love Mediterranean food. It just feels right. Yeah. For me, it does. Yeah, we went to this Turkish restaurant like a month or so ago. And I got this like...

I'm trying to remember what it was called, it was like, I feel like it looked almost like some kind of lasagna, but it was really good, I, like, cannot even picture what it looked like in my head It's completely gone from my memory What I had But I think it had lamb in it Lamb fucks Turks you've done some things wrong for sure But you've also done some things right I'll give you that No comment Any word on the Domas situation? No, I tried looking it up

Let's see uh look at tomas oh domades tomades tomades is when it has meat in it okay oh i see well this also looks good yeah it's pretty much just the same thing, but they got, like, meat in it, like, lamb and such. Hmm. Apparently, Egyptians called Dolma Mashi. It's a stupid name for it. Mashi. Who named that?

An Egyptian baby? Anyway, this is our weekly Egyptians roast. Do you believe in aliens? Yeah. Yeah, they're there. That's good.

I don't know. I, uh, when I was up to, like, high school, I guess, guess i you know it was kind of one of those like almost like bill hicks ish like annoying like always uh and well i don't even know if any of this is like real you know like what if yeah but now i'm like i don't care no it's weird i it's weird i like i even if there's like um even if i'm being controlled by like an alien species that like every night when i go to sleep they all like climb into my bed and fuck me like i don't care because what what difference does it make you know yeah my life is the same either way yeah my i'm in the same boat like i don't know they could tickle me to till i come

like all the like every time i go in the restroom and as far as i'm like as far as i'm concerned they could start they could start jerking you off or something. And they could basically play with you until a point of ejaculation. Like, as long as they say, like, thank you, I think I'm fine with that. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, they're courteous.

Yeah, they could literally pound my face until I woke up with two ball-shaped bruises on my on my chest because their balls are so big and heavy i could wake up with a collapsed lung just from one of their balls on me and i honestly wouldn't even matter i wouldn't care at all because i'm i'm such a nihilist yeah like yeah i don't know i think the line for me is like i don't know they can't pull out my ass hairs because that's just me like that's something i do like yeah you can't like steal my mojo like that right that would be too far i think i mean they could literally fuck me like a squirrel all around my house oh absolutely in my. In my sleep. And it's like, who cares, you know?

We're living on a freaking speck of dust in the universe, you know? And I'm just a little smaller speck of dust getting fucked all around my house by an alien that looks like just a regular turkey. Yeah. Yeah, like a fucking goo man

can walk into my house while I'm asleep and tie a harness to me and turn me into a wheelbarrow That they push around By fucking me Yeah I could get digested And turned into cum

And I could get shot out Under a girl alien's Hair And I Would Think that was gross And I'd get mad I'd start growling

I think I'd be kind of chill with that because like yeah would you yeah because like i don't know i feel like i'm being i don't know it's not like they i'm like i don't know like like like that's something it's not like i was just like squirted out onto a tissue or anything like like as far as i know like i'm not an alien expert but i could have just became like they're like a shampoo or conditioner but you also could have been their child if you got turned into a piece of cum and then the cum turned into a baby that would be so awesome that that'd be tight i'd love to turn from cum and blossom into a beautiful alien baby and maybe my mom and my dad could raise me to be an alien warrior when you'd be

pretty much sick as fuck yeah when you put it like that i'm basically like i'm dude i'm i had my whole life ahead of me and i was cummed out onto an alien girl's hair. Like, like I could have, I could have. Yeah, it just smells, smells like coconut. Yeah, like I could have, I could have. Drying up and dying. I could have been like the greatest alien politician that was like secretly like organizing like wars between like primitive species. I could have, I could have become like the next like

big mastermind in alien politics and now i'm just now i'm just uh i'm crust on some alien chicks bangs yeah shameful i mean at the end of the day, though, when you think about it, there's probably a so many other pieces of human uh squirt uh would kill to be in our position you know talking about getting banged out getting Blown and sucked on. Flung around. Squirted. Twisted. Getting cream-pied. As well as... Basically, like, rag-dolled, sexually speaking. Getting motor-boated by aliens. Getting fucked and pounded out

to a near point of extinction. Yeah. Getting, basically, being forced to um ejaculate in such a manner that we are propelled as if we were mice trying to operate a fire extinguisher you know yeah no we're like we're blessed to just be able to, like, there's so much alien goo and jizz and spunk and gunk out there that's just, like, it's become nothing. And, like, yo, I can talk about, I'm blessed with the opportunity right now to imagine Jar Jar Binks, spread asshole like waiting for me like i like i can talk about that they can't right you can i remember when me and my friends were all sperm we used to talk about like i'm gonna make it out of the sack i'm gonna go i'm gonna go in um

into a lady someday and i'm gonna make a nest i'm gonna make a nest in the egg and i'm gonna uh propagate or whatever and you know we all talked about making it out of the hood but only one of us did and it was me and those other guys basically just dried up they sat around the cooch and dried up. Now they ever did now. Okay. I'm curious. Did you,

did you ever have that? Like one guy around in the sack who was just like, man, I don't even care. Yeah. It's like acted like, well, there's no way to get out. Nobody ever gets out,

you know? And it's like, even if I do, what am I going to do? Be a bunch of stupid glue that goes around it what am i gonna do make a zygote everybody tries to do that i want to do something new i want to freaking make a new species yeah yeah we used to we beat them up we'd call them a piece of shit yeah we just basically yeah basically... Yeah, we just ate him.

We just ate him and, like, got stronger. That makes sense. But that's just what we did. I don't... Yeah. Yeah. Every other sack's different as far as I know. Yeah.

I'm still holding out to see if my mom has a twin of me. That'd be so cool. Because by now he'd be about my size probably. Yeah. He'd have really soft skin and it wouldn't be weird if I ate him. If I did, I could be like twice as tall probably. Much stronger.

Yeah, he'd definitely gain his courage. Yeah. Dude, I was reading about the caloric intake of or the caloric content of um Human flesh this morning I just woke up curious about it for some reason And we're actually like a Really low calorie

I believe that I think we only have like 600 calories or so Per pound of muscle Which is pretty low yeah like and you know

it made me glad that I stopped eating people because the whole time that I was a cannibal it felt like it felt like it wasn't worth it almost it's just unsustainable in the long run yeah like i feel like that's how people get into it they think oh i'm doing a good thing by like reducing the

world's population and like a like like uh like in a matter that like i don't know like i'm feeding myself and then i become stronger but like i don't know it's like it doesn't i don't know like i'm feeding myself and then i become stronger but like i don't know it's like it doesn't i don't know yeah i mean what can you do i mean i remember at school you know there was that always always that one kid who was like i don't want to eat people i just want to be friends with you guys i don't want you to try and eat me and i'm not going to try and eat you and i remember like as we were eating them i was like did did sis make some points yeah like did sis serve on that one and i don't know. I don't know.

I think if that were me, and this is just like dependent on like if they tasted good. If they didn't taste good, I'd be like, oh, I think we're onto something here. But if they tasted good, I'd be setting my ways. I'd be like, fuck. Pass the salt. Yum. Yeah. Yeah, munching on your friends can come with some uncertainty for sure,

but if they've had a good diet, they've got good marrow in there, you know, it's really not up for debate. It's going to be a good time in there you know it's really not up for debate it's gonna be a good time no um when did you uh taste human flesh for the first time uh you know what i um i got i got into it a little late definitely like freshman year but that's just because i was like trying to like you know break out like i don't know try new things yeah a lot of people start experimenting with cannibalism in college um there's nothing wrong with that um i knew i was a cannibal from when i was a little kid you know um i'd see you know other people talking about you kids like, oh, I can't wait to eat a big sandwich when I get home. I want a peanut butter jelly sandwich and a cosmic brownie.

And I would be saying like, oh, I really want to eat my uncle's face. Yeah. And, you know, that's when you know you're a little bit different than other people. You know, they start calling CPS. They start calling your parents, all that. And it's all a bunch of baloney. Yeah, it's fucked up when my parents, they get called on because they're like, hey, we think your kid's a cannibal.

And it's like, okay. I'm basically normal. You're the freak. Yeah, just because my kid's a cannibal, he can't be around other kids. Yeah. Maybe don't put him around such tasty kids. Yeah, exactly. Stop raising such, like, nutritious children.

Like. Yeah. such like nutritious children like yeah but those are the times we live in yeah you know when you like put two and two together it's basically michelle obama's fault by putting all that nutritious food in the school system right yeah and making, you give children nutritious food, you're making nutritious, delicious children, and I'm not supposed to eat them? Yeah. And how do we know that she's not a cannibal? You know? Yeah.

You're telling me she's just been writing books the last 20 years or whatever? You know? Yeah. Like, we know more. Lord knows she's got some chompers. Oh, yeah. What can you do? You know, I read a story about Obama.

This one's about Barack. Obama, this one's about Barack, that whenever he lived in Hawaii, he actually used to, um, he actually used to smoke weed. What? Um, yeah. And whenever I read that story, I started crying so hard I threw up. Because it's one thing if you want to, you know, bomb a Yimini wedding. If you want to, you know, destroy, you know, about a quarter of the world. you know, about a quarter of the world. But when you start bringing pot into the equation, it just brings a bad taste into my mouth, you know? Yeah.

Because it's like, I don't know, like... Like... Like... What was the point of all that if like you were just like high on like silly ass weed yeah like like i i feel like your intentions like weren't in the best of like places if that's the case you know smoking on the devil's lettuce like you're you're you're just You're just like bombing these weddings Because like you're hungry Like you're just like Trying to like fast fry

All these people in one place Yeah somebody was Got a little antsy waiting for the reception With all the snacks Am I right? Yep Yeah somebody tried to call room service and rent wedding crashers.

And yeah, he accidentally, basically, pretty much became one. I'll have to add in a bomb effect on that one after like a funk flex sound. Like, you know, because that was a good one right there. Yeah. Anyway.

You know, there's nothing wrong. I hate to say it. There's nothing wrong with bombing a wedding if you think something's up. I hate to say it There's nothing wrong with bombing a wedding If you think something's up If you're ever at a wedding And it's taking too long Or a guy smells weird

You can I mean you can call in an airstrike If you want Yeah I remember growing up That was one of our biggest hobbies We'd go and we would bomb weddings Let me tell you

It's an easy way to not have to go to a lot of weddings. Assuredly. Yeah. Isn't it weird that it's like, uh, I've thought about this recently. What if there's a guy out there who's... Who's probably really gifted. He would, uh... If he had the resources, he'd probably invent a new type of bomb. But now it's, like, illegal to invent a new type of bomb. You just have to...

You can't even make any of the old kinds. Yeah. It has to... You have to get a job in bomb making. And then you can only do it at work still. Yeah, it's it's it's fucked up how like they've limited bomb careers because like like i know like i've like read something once or heard it somewhere there's only like six or like five or seven like blaster masters like left in the u.s wow and it's just is i don't know we just don't like

there's just no jobs in like bombs anymore and nobody's building regular pipe bombs anymore like nobody's doing like sticks of dynamite nobody's doing any of that yeah when was the last time you even bought a stick of dynamite you You know, they don't have it at Home Depot anymore. Yeah. It's, it's fucked up. Like, I could get so much done with like a stick of dynamite and I can't even go to Ace Hardware and pick it up. Like used to be like right next to the ammo and fishing bait. Now they just have BB pellets.

Let me look and see if you can just buy one. Stick of dynamite. Stick of dynamite. Stick of dynamite. Stick of dynamite. No. Huh. Stick of dynamite Cost

See In my mind this should be $20 For a stick of dynamite Dynamite stick Huh How much They have them on Etsy Ah these are fake

Why would I want a fake Stick of dynamite It says fake prop It's $ I want a fake stick of dynamite? It says fake prop. It's $20 for a fake stick of dynamite. Good lord. Yeah, that's highway robbery right there. Like, you just, like, the bomb market right now, it's like fucked up I remember

my grandpa he used to show me he used to show me like his collection of bombs and like he had classic bombs you know like big iron ball with a fuse and like

let me tell you what they don't make them like they used to cause like shortly after he showed me I tried to get my own and it just it just didn't hit right. Yeah. This is crazy. Apparently South Africa was making most of dynamite for a while.

It's so funny to have a fucking explosive factory. You know how shitty your fucking country has to be that's why your main export is fucking dynamite let's see there was one factory in South Africa making 340,000

cases a year and there was a rival factory making 200,000 cases a year. And there was a rival factory making 200,000 cases a year. Let's see. Hmm. There were two large explosions at the dynamite factory in the 60s.

Who could have guessed? Ah. What about in Apparently Oh wow Apparently there was a giant There was a company called The Giant Powder Company of San Francisco

California It was a big old Dynamite factory in San Francisco Up until like 1911 or whatever. Cool stuff. Well, anyway, I guess I got off. I got a little distracted here. I was seeing if you could buy a stick of dynamite. You know, I feel like maybe I don't know how explosive it is It seems like, you know From a Looney Tunes perspective It's just a fast way to dig a hole

Yeah You know what I mean? Nobody's ever been hurt by a stick of dynamite It always, I don't know Dynamite always felt to me like a sure way to catch a fish Right I mean like a sure way to catch a fish. Right. I mean,

it's still such a relevant cultural thing. It's dynamite. Everybody knows what it is. But nobody's ever seen a stick of dynamite. Do they still make it? Gotta do some research on this. When was the last stick of dynamite made?

You know? It's gotta be somewhere Currently there's only like One company In the US Like Producing dynamite It's called like Dino Nobel

And they're in Carthage, Missouri Oh well I mean I know Nobel and they're in Carthage, Missouri. Hmm. Oh, well, I mean, apparently TNT and dynamite are different. So I'm going to have to look into this. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Anyway, that's not that important What is important Guys Is Is Whenever you're about to light a candle Make sure That it's not a sick of dynamite.

Yeah. Because my friend Bugs used to do this all the time, growing up, where our neighbor Fudd basically hated Bugs' guts. And he would sometimes swap out the candles and the dynamite in Bugs' house. So whenever he would go to light it, Swap out the candles and the dynamite It bugs his house

So whenever he would go to light it He would have to check and make sure That it wasn't a stick of dynamite I don't know if that ever happened to you growing up Actually yeah We had this one guy Up in the hills I live in California

So this one guy up in the hills i live in california so uh this one guy up in the or central california to be specific so up in the hills there's this guy yosemite sam and he would just yeah get into all sorts of mishaps like with his guns and explosives dynamite and all that and yeah yeah definitely a cautionary tale yeah you told me about that wily coyote guy um which i understood not to call you out i understood where you came from in terms of you know warning me about wily coyote but who i really ended up being wary of was the Roadrunner, because does Wile E. do dastardly deeds? Yes, but in terms of retaliation, and I know, you know, it's punching up or whatever, but in terms of retaliation The Roadrunner has done some dreadful things

In terms of payback I mean I could go off on a whole list From you know Painting the side of a mountain To look like a road That's fucked up Oh yeah That's like defacing

Like God's majesty In my opinion Right Like And I mean if you trick somebody To fall off a cliff You're probably

Some kind of asshole Yeah You know Simple as that Did you watch Much cartoons Growing up Uh

Yeah Yeah I was I was i was into cartoons i watched more cartoons than like uh anything else really yeah yeah like what are you big uh that's a big tom and jerry guy um i was like i don't know, whatever was on like Cartoon Network pretty much. I got you. Yeah. I never really, we never really had Cartoon Network, but that ended up being kind of sick whenever I was in college because I would just take acid and watch like Cartoon Network for like five hours.

I would just watch like Bill and Mandy or like SpongeBob for like six hours i always watched like bill and mandy or like spongebob for like six seven hours sometimes just yeah billy and mandy went hard that was a good one that was classic i watched i watched that a lot growing up and the kids next door that was cool yeah for sure yeah i i remember watching spongebob and um thinking like convincing myself that it was like the like the greatest show ever made yeah oh my god they're so clever you grew up christian right so do do you fuck with VeggieTales? I did fuck with VeggieTales. The fun origin story is I got quote unquote saved because I saw an episode of VeggieTales in which some guy lies and then like it's a fucking dark ass episode like his family is like all fucked up and stuff

just cause he lied or something and I think I lied that day about like uh like reading or something like it's nothing but I like thought I was gonna die or something. Like, it's nothing. Yeah. But I, like, thought I was gonna die or something. Anyway.

So that's how I got baptized. That was nice. Now I'm going to heaven. There's nothing anybody can do to stop me. There's no take-backs. Yep. Same here. You baptized?

Yeah. Yeah, I got baptized at my church. Nice. Did they do it really young? I think I was like seven when I got baptized. Yeah, I was like same age. Yeah. Yeah.

Now we're both going to heaven. Yep. And there's nothing going to heaven. Yep. And there's nothing anyone could do about it. If you want us to go to hell, too bad. We're not going to. You missed your chance. Yeah. You should have killed me when I was six.

Anyway. Thanks for coming on man for anybody listening you can follow Matt on Twitter at turdhurricane right yeah I'm pretty much everywhere as turdhurricane

you're on TikTok as well yeah Instagram I believe Yeah just Twitter and TikTok really Oh okay I gotcha Yeah it's Turdurcane I do silly videos or shit

Whatever dude Yeah he's got funny stuff But yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry for this No We fucking plug ourselves constantly Do your thing But yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry for this No No this is what you We fucking plug ourselves constantly Do your thing

Yeah Do your thing playboy No I mean like Sorry for this episode No This is fun man This is fun Appreciate you coming on

Thanks We will see you guys next week Oh don't you have the live show? No Thank you We Los Angeles And we will see you guys next week. Oh, don't you have the live show? No, thank you. Los Angeles. This Saturday at the Virgil Doors Open at 530 show starts at 6. We've got the greatest live show in comedic history as far as we know. Jake, little Jakey Poo and uh our friend ben who i've never really

gotten along with ben ben avery um you know we've had our beefs in the past no not really but uh the very talented ben avery will be there uh and we will be having a good time as they say if you were holding out for the late show, we were bluffing. There is no late show. Get your tickets now for the early show. I think there are still, there are most definitely still a few. But I think you will be standing. The time to act is now.

The time to act is now. The clock is running out. You need to purchase your tickets. Or else you're going to miss out on, as far as we know, this will be the only show you guys do in California, right? For a while, for sure. Yeah.

Might be like another year before we're back. Anyway, tickets are online. They're also pinned in the Patreon which you can find at patreon.com slash pandeo time give us five bucks a month if you'd like

if not I can suck my own dick and die how about that but no worries and then yeah come out it'll be a good time and you got anything else to plug yeah come out it'll be a good time um and uh you got anything else to plug no

well thank you so much for coming on Matt I'll see you around it was a pleasure goodbye bye bye