Pendejo Time - sorry its a bad one

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

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Welcome to The Welcome to the opera You ever see that show, Phantom of the Opera? Welcome to The Opera With the Ghost The Ghost of what?

The Ghost, the Opera's favorite ghost. I always thought it was interesting that the Phantom the opera was so good at singing. You know, imagine if it was just a... Statistically, if somebody dies at an opera, is somebody going there. Yeah, or like a stage hand. It's probably a heart disease situation.

Yeah. You know, they're frightened by, you know, that new Annie they put out, or they're frightened by, you know... Five people. Nowadays, in a theater, typically they're frightened by the hilarity of some of these crowdwork, or they're frightened by amazing electronic music. Now, I don't really recall what the Phantom of the Opera is about.

I mostly remember as a kid thinking, God, I can't wait to grow up and be an organ player. And that ended up not being the case for me, not yet. But I will say definitely not too late for that to happen. Yeah, I remember thinking Now I'm a different type of organ player Yeah, I'll be playing on my organ Yeah, yeah

Sometimes it makes different types of sounds Yeah You know It's got a whistle too My organ just rumbled Man, can I be excused My liver just rumbled I need a drink

Yeah, my liver hungry My lungs Vibrating They need a cigarette Yeah Dude I started smoking cigarettes again It's so awesome dude My booty rumbling

I need a piece of plastic From China in there It's like Like slapping your belly Like a guy that slaps his belly Like I could go for something to eat You're like smacking your ass You're like

I could go for a plastic A piece of tube from China In my ass right about now Yeah I could use a silicone coated piece of plastic from China. Yeah. I need that my mouth like a panda needs bamboo. You sound like Stephen Wright.

The one-liner comedian. I love that good. I need a piece of plastic and not that. Like a Chinese panda needs a piece of bamboo. Hey. I always I always listen to his I remember he had the two albums

I have a pony and I still have a pony I remember thinking when I was in middle school and I heard one of his albums I thought so this is probably like the biggest comedian of all time right yeah yeah yeah and now like

I mean stand-up comedians pretty much older stand-up comedians always know who he is and some just some just guys who were like anybody who was into comedy in the, I would say, like, 80s and 90s typically knows him.

But I found he's not a good comic to bring up at parties because, hey, just not like, you're not going to have a fun, like, you're just going to come across

as like, that old Tim Hideker sketch where he's just like, just, like, they're doing charades. But everything he does is like an obscure jazz reference. Oh, yeah, yeah, for bedtime stories where he's talking about like,

you remember Jeff Looney in the Tram Bone Boys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it feels to try and go to niche with anything at a point of Institute. But, no, I think he, Stephen Wright. I mean, he went on Conan the Conan's podcast the other day. It's not like he's in a fucking nobody. He was a very good writer. I think is, I think what stand-up evolved in.

too, it's like, there are people that get revered as kind of like, you know, like they paved the way or whatever. But it's in such disrepair that it's like, oh, like this guy, oh, the funny one-liner guy or whatever. It's like, yeah, he's like hugely influential, but like nobody, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I've been fucking, yeah, I've been sick. I get what you mean.

I've kind of circled back. around to not like to be a kind of surface level with like who my favorite comics are or whatever it's like it's literally just is this funny as shit you know what I mean like

I don't look at Norm as like the fucking godfather or anything I just think he was really funny but like that was what I thought I that's what I thought of before he died but before he died I wasn't like oh my God I worship at the

the altar of... Yeah. You know what I mean? Like... Yeah. Definitely one of my favorite comics, but there's... I don't have that, like, a bunch of comics from like, oh, my God, this is you are. Holy fuck, you are amazing.

You... God, I wish I had your brain. You're so funny. Like, it's just not a fun way to consume anything. I don't think... I don't think anybody that's like that, like... like should be around other people. You know what I don't know what I'm saying?

It's like like sometimes I'll go back home and I'll have a conversation with like one of Ashley's friend's husband. He's like, yo, have you seen this Andrew Schultz clip? And you're like, no, let's take a look at it. And he's like, man, sometimes when you meet an Indian guy that smell good, only time you meet him is when he's driving the Uber. And the whole crowd falls apart. and he starts laughing and you're like,

oh, like, I don't... I'm not an anti-edgy comedy guy. I just don't understand the meaning of the joke. But this guy makes like hundreds of millions of dollars or whatever. And then when they try... Dude, whenever those guys try to get political, it's almost worse than when we do it. Like, it is really...

It's pretty bad when we do it, I will say. It's very bad when we do it, but it's... I think it's worse when they do it, because people really listen to them. I think when we do it, the audience knows to tune it out to some degree. No, I think people definitely listen to your stuff. I don't know about that.

No, like, because you'll actually, like, reference history and things of that nature. You know, when I do it, I don't, there's a very clear disconnect between what's going on and what I'm talking about. typically what I'm basically saying is

and I mean this in the best way but like I've become a low IQ individual and I need to be treated as such I need to be like a like when you see a horse

with three legs and you can still walk and you're like wow that it's kind of amazing but he needs to die also right you know what I mean you gotta kill him yeah

I got a had to go to the stomach doctor and now that they're telling me I gotta mail my poop to a different doctor. I'm not really excited about that. Oh God, Dr. Flush. Dr. Flush has to get my poop sample. They were like, you can just, they were like.

Crap tastes amazing. They were like, yo, you can do this at home. And I was like, is there any way I can do it in the office? And they were like, no, you got to do it at the house. I was like, I don't want to. They gave me like a bunch of like tubes. And they're like, you have to put your poop in here. And I was like, why?

And they were like, well, we have to figure out why you have the cause of your chronic stomach problems. And I was like, have you ever given a solution by a doctor that's just a little outside of what you're willing to do? And so you go, I think I'll just have the ailment. You know what I mean? Like, I think I'll just have the, you know, I think I'll just have the sickness. He's like, yeah, I pooping these three tubes and then put it in an ice pack and then FedEx it to me. And I'm like, why can't I just, I don't want to, I don't want to have poop tubes in my house. And then in my car.

The doctor comes back and he says, well, the good news is you can keep drinking nine beers a day. We figured that out. The good news is you can keep mixing your sleep medicine with Coors Banquet every night and smoking cigarettes again. We're glad that you're doing that. And we're glad that you have made the conscious decision to both go to the gym every day and smoke cigarettes. That's probably, you know, that's how the ties do it. And that's how a lot of boxers from like the 1930s do it. You know, you drink whiskey and you eat big sausages and you smoke cigarettes.

And then you, there was no rounds back then. There was no limit to the rounds. So you would box like 89 rounds until one of you, like, Couldn't read anymore. Yeah. Me and Alex used to have a really good bachelor routine, which was we would go to like an LA fitness in Arlington, Texas. Uh-huh.

We would do some sort of workout, you know. We'd lift some weights or whatever. Usually get, you know, at least a couple good exercises in. And then we would smoke like Marlboro lights in the parking lot. Yeah. And then I think, like, you know, the plazas in the parking lots are so big. It's like in the same parking lot there would always be like a sports bar. Pet smart or something.

Yeah, you know, you just go and eat wings after you've, you know, been chain smoking. And then it's a weeknight and neither of you is drinking. And you just kind of sit in the empty sports bar and watch like, like a, you know, women's clock building competition or something. Or it's like the old UFC highlights are on where it's just Chuck Liddell like K-Oing everybody with like drunken step-dead overhand rights. I remember when I was at Twin Peaks and it was the, I talked about it on here, but the UFC's Black History Month and it was just all black on black knockouts.

And they were like UFC celebrates Black History Month. and it was just all Dana White Presents Black Guy History Month It's just all black guys getting knocked out by white guys Good work There's a guy

Drew Dober Who he got He got memed into being racist He's not racist And he keeps telling people To please stop making the memes Because it's like upsetting But whenever he fights a white guy

He loses But whenever he fights a black guy or a brown guy, he just starches them in one hit. And that's not, there's nothing to that except that's just kind of how his record is. If you look at his record, it's like, white guy gets chaoed or subbed. If it's a black opponent, he absolutely beats the fucking breaks off of them. And so he fought Michael Johnson like maybe three weeks ago. And Michael Johnson made a post like, I'm fighting a white boy that beats up on all the,

you know, the fellas. and Drew Dober comes up to him right before the fight, and he's like, hey, man, I just want to say, like, I know it's all jokes and stuff, man, but, like, you know, my nieces, you know, they're really important to me, and they go to school, and everybody tells them that, oh, your uncle's racist because he only knocks out black guys, and Michael is in, like, this, like, he's in, like, one of the suits

that the twins from sinners would wear. He, like, looks like a bootleggar from, like, 1920. And he's like, oh, I know us all love. Like, you know, we're going to get in there and scrap. Like, you ain't knocking me out. Ha ha, ha. you know, it's all love it. You know, it's all a joke.

And Drew's like, I know, man, just like, you know, from one man to another, you know, like, I don't, I hate that type of stuff. I'm not racist, man. And I wish people would stop saying that. And then they get into the ring and Drew hits him so hard that he goes to sleep and he, like, has a seizure. Like, dude, he hit him so fucking hard.

Dude, he knocked him out. Like, his feet left the canvas, like overhand right. Boom. And the left hook. Boom. And the dude just, like, laying there like, mm. And it's like, all right.

Well, I mean, yeah. Because, like, everybody, there was, like, fight analysts on Instagram, whatever that were, like, take a look at the ratio of losses to wins. And it's like, Drew Dober versus Asian guy, lost. Drew Dober versus white guy lost. Drew Dober versus Mexican guy, lost.

Drew Dober versus black guy. K.O. first round. Drew Dober versus black guy. K.O. First round. Drew Dober versus Kenyon. K.K.O., 10 seconds first round. And it's like, Okay, so I know this is just a joke, but there is something at play here.

There's just, like, maybe the meme kind of created a reality in and of itself, where he just does knock out all of his black opponents. But it is very funny to, like, be looking into the UFC cameras and being like, hey, guys, I'm not about that. I need you guys to tone it down because I love everybody, and this is kind of starting to affect my family. So, you know, and you guys always know a fight can go anyway. You know, it's crazy what we do in there.

He's like a super nice, like down-to-earth guys. He's like, a fight can go anyway. You know, Michael Johnson's a scary guy. He's knocked out Dustin Porriere. You know, he's got a lot of crazy knockouts under his belt, so anything can happen. And then just first round, just absolutely like, maybe retired him. I don't know. He hit him so hard.

I thought he died. That's like, that's like, it's just so funny. He's like, hey, I'm not racist. I treat all my opponents the same. ding ding, like shoots him directly in the head, kills him. And then you look at every Connor McGregor fight reference, and he's like, what I'm going to do is I'm going to, I'm going to slap the bananas out of this guy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember Daniel Cormier, he's from Louisiana, and so is Dustin. And when they were fighting, you know, Daniel Cormier was like, so I heard you call Dustin Poyer, Hillbilly. Well, me and Dustin went to the same high school. So does that make me a hillbilly?

And remember, Connor, I'm bigger than you. And Connor Regger's like, yeah, you're a ghetto hillbilly. It's just like, that man, I know he sucks ass and he's an evil, literally an evil man. But, dude, he, yeah, when he was before the steroids and all the cocaine, he was a funny guy. He was, I honestly, before all of the bad, really bad stuff, I really liked when he would, uh, post videos of his yacht on him on the assault bike wearing a green thong and he would have his phone and the cup holder

of the assault bike and you can just see his balls and his dick and then he would like pan the camera up and he would be like oh man like grinding his teeth and he's like Big Mac baby Big Mac, Big Daddy's back Big Daddy left hook

big daddy right hand and I was like man dude like fuck he really was a plumber. Like, he did really make it out the mud and, like, became so evil. Like, you

do so much coke that you become like a gay villain. Like, you go from being a straight working class Dublin guy to, like, kind of being, like, a deeply closeted psycho, you know? Because I guess it's not gay necessarily to upload a

video view on an assault bike with your penis kind of out. But it's certainly not straight to do that. you know what I mean also he's on his yacht which I think adds a little bit of extra like homo eroticism to it

like it's his boat and he's like groaning into the camera it's no good I don't think I ever did so much coke that I wanted people to see a video of me in my underwear but maybe

yeah but you never had the money for it facts that's true I only if it was unlimited money Yeah, maybe you're right Oh for sure Yeah For sure No doubt

I mean hell I get that from two beers You know Yeah Maybe Maybe people do want to see them Yeah Maybe they do want to see them right now

And they want to see the snake You know what people want to see my snake And my toad Yo people want me to get up on the roof And pretend to be holding a sniper rifle But really it's a Prop that I built And then I get a real laser pointer

and it looks like I'm pointing the scope Yeah People call me the Bronx sniper Yo, if I shot through that window And missed on purpose It would scare the fuck out of everybody Even though I was I was intentionally not hitting anything

So break the glass and create a loud noise It was scared the fuck out of everybody It's a jackass but everybody's on Like a fuck ton of a Like a fuck ton of like meth And it was like Hi, this is Jackass And this is fire three blackout rounds

Through a window To scare the fuck out everybody at the hotel The newest Joe Box Challenge This is Joe ass This is You must in the next 20 minutes Fire 100 shots into a restaurant Without hitting anybody

And you have to get away with it too Yeah Well you must meet back at the office Within 30 minutes You cannot go into hiding Yeah, yeah One of you will go to prison One of you will go to prison for the rest of your life

For your action Oh my God Oh man Oh man We got a new batch of cookies I just made man What kind of cookies we working with? All right

All right I thought you'd never ask me They are Banana Oatmeal Chocolate chip cookies with a little bit of chopped walnut in the mix for the texture purposes.

Decadent and Little earthy. I like that. Yep. But I'm a little I think they have turned out well, but I will say having banana in a cookie context was actually very difficult. Yeah, it seems like it'd be hard. It seemed like the banana would turn to some type of goo. It absolutely did.

Thankfully, I chilled it. for a little bit, but even then very runny. Turned out okay, I think. I haven't eaten one yet, but did eat quite a bit of the dough. I eat a lot of cookie dough nowadays, and that's something I've been doing is eating a lot of cookie dough. You remember I told you before this program, hey, dude, this summer, you're going to see me looking like Brad Pitt yoked, because I'm going to be running every day. I'm doing calisthenics. I run two miles every morning at six.

I do calisynics for about 45. minutes after that i have um gained one pound since starting yeah it's been two months yeah up up one pound because i quit the i didn't finish the reda i thought you know what i'm gonna do it god's honest way and um now that i've tapered off after um the eight weeks i did of it uh we were at a net loss of three pounds yeah i don't know what's happening to be I'm doing a lot of exercise and stuff And then I'm just not It's not falling off

And so Which means I'm like I don't know I've lost like 15 pounds I guess Since January But like I don't know I need to

I guess I need to step my game up I know guys at the gym To lose like 25 pounds in two weeks But it's like all they eat all day It's like white rice And like one apple And they run like 10 miles a day And I'm like I don't want it to

bad, bro. I don't want it that bad dog at all. Yeah. That sounds like a load of, sounds like a load of shit balls and ass. I'm trying to do all that fucking dumb shit. I was I was gonna tell you speaking of history and news and stuff.

I ran shot like a bunch of our airplanes and stuff out of the sky. And as of yesterday, well yesterday Pete Higgseth said, back to the Stone Age. We're gonna bomb him back to the Stone Age. And then we've got

got all of our shit fired out of the sky. And then today, the U.S. asked for a 48-hour which Iran rejected it. And I thought that was funny because it's like, it's like when you're getting your ass beat really bad and you're like, all right, bro, chill. Like, all right, all right.

Like, we're straight. And then like, like, you try to sucker punch the dude like on some like, all right, bro, we're chill. Like, you got it, bro. Like, you went. And then as he goes to the way he tries to sucker punch you and then he just hits your ass with a fucking shot head drone, blows your shit.

You close your shit smooth up. It's just very funny to me to be losing a war that you started with a smaller country than you and just be like, hey, can you give me 48 hours? We need to pat. It has nothing to do with the fact that we need to pass the McDonald's Act. A new amendment to the Constitution that will recruit every girl that has any blue in her hair

who works at McDonald's, Starbucks, Arby's, or any other festival change. They will now be promoted to staff sergeant. It has nothing to do with the fact that we're trying to figure out how to invade your country, but there's a lot of mountains. We lowered the standards of the military so much that now we technically have to let Kid Rock be a green beret. Imagine him as an elite member of the military. I laid an operator, dude.

That'd be so sick. Ain't nobody gonna tell me how to death. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah, I forgot about that. Ain't nobody gonna tell me. Tell me how to live. You remember this just happened,

but a bunch of Black Hawk helicopters swung by his mansion and saluted him. Yes. And I was like... That looks so good. Dude. First of all, he modeled his house to look like the White House. and it says the White House of the South or whatever.

Second of all, like, you're, you are a Black Hawk helicopter operator, and you know the celebrities live in the area. You're going to go see Kid Rock? I mean, I guess that makes sense. Like, given the political, kind of cultural world we're living in, and the kind of guys that kind of are in the military, but it's like, if you're going to take one for a joyride, like, that's what you're going to go do.

You're going to drive by Kid Rock's house. I feel like I would, you know, I don't know. I'd take it out, like, deep into the Tennessee Smoky Mountains and maybe see if I could find Bigfoot or something. That was a private Rizzler Defense Force, and they were just in the area protecting... Rizler Defense Force. Yeah.

They protect Internet Phenoms. I love that they keep having him going into wrestling matches, and his move is just this, his jawbone move, and then like a six or five, Simone guy will pick him up and throw him into the audience. I honestly think it's really good for Big Show

or, I mean, Big Justice and AJ to just be involved with, like, wrestling stuff. Yeah, it is. I think that's a good, like, career they can make out of it. I think they need to keep the Rizzler out of it, though.

I mean, he is... The Rizzler is an independent. He's got his... Contractors. AJ and Big Justice are a package deal because it's a father-son deal. No, I know.

The Rizd was not related to them at all. I know. I thought, it took some convincing. I had to actually Google it because I was like this. Yeah, once you actually talk to Riz about it, it makes a lot more sense. Like, getting it from his perspective. Like, we were rolling up the other day,

and he had some model eating steaks off his back. And they were, they were cracking eggs on his back and scrambling them. His back was really hot. He was smoking They poured oil on his back And it steamed up really hot He was smoking a backwood

And drinking some E&J Yeah Yeah He was like yeah Yeah you know I was born in 2018 Yeah He's chill as fuck dude

We were his mansion And he was popping Fucking pills basically And Had a bunch of bitches over there He's eating him 30s And they were grownups I decided

He was finger fucking Uh Camila Cabello Whatever the fuck Yeah It turns out She's like 8 Dude

I was like What the fuck You've been famous so long She's like Yeah I did that song With young thug When I was four Yeah yeah

I don't like that I don't like that at all Thugger what were you doing Yeah I Vina I I left my heart

And east island Oh She sucked so bad It was so bad It's so sad that Sean Mendes Got killed in that wreck Dude it sucks And I did that

Yeah Yeah Dude I still remember it like it was day He was just Going along He had a picnic basket With him And he was wearing a yellow

Like basically retarded Like short sleep shirt And he had a white shorts With his berries in a white trillby with a blue band. He was just crossing the street. He just gone to Easter egg hunting, and he had a big basket full of Easter eggs.

And I was driving this old yellow hummer, probably about 150 miles an hour, just through Malibu, not really giving a fuck. I was on my way to actually fucking cut a new record with Baby No Money. And I just smoked that little fucker. Moat his ass, dude. I just smoked that little fucker.

He'd been getting Easter eggs on the beach, and I just turned him into a pastel paste on my windshield. Like a bug. Yeah, and then I went, and I made a song with Baby No Money, and we fucking rocked it out all night. Yeah, yeah. And, um... How do you feel about the Poo Shisty Robin Gucci Main situation?

Man, you know... The one thing you can't really say about Gucci-Mane is that he doesn't deserve it. And I say that with him being one of my favorite artists of all time. I know. He's reformed. The one thing you can't say about anything that happens to him is that he doesn't deserve it. He's reformed, I think, right? Like, he's...

Okay. Reformed from... From what? From, like, arms dealer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, reformed. I mean, I'm not calling him. of a bad guy, but it definitely

seems like he's fucked over a lot of people in his life. Yeah. And hey, I'm all for Reformation. But when it's a guy you fucked over, like, currently, well, yeah, that makes sense. As for Push-Sci, I think

it sucks. It sucks like in the 90s, you could sort of get away with that kind of thing. Yeah. And now it's like not really. I mean, maybe you can't. Maybe this has...

I do have a feel... I feel like with promoters and all that shit, like, I feel like there's still a lot of violence behind the scenes with... For sure, yeah. ...record labels and all that,

but... Um, the execution seems to have not been good. Uh, no. Um, also there seems to be... Uh, I don't understand how you can be as,

rich as these guys are and not have somebody really drill into you how the legal system works. I remember Chief Keith talking about that, like, in an interview fairly recently, he's like lost a bunch of weight

and he's like speaks, I think he's like off the lean and the bars and shit, but he was like, yeah, somebody told me like where to put my money and stuff and like, you know, it was like telling me how it's like, if you want to do this, you have to stay out of the streets and all that. And I just don't think that that happens.

I think a lot of these guys, like they sign record deals, and then they get all their masters kept by the production or by the manager. And if they die, the manager gets all the money in perpetuity, which is like no big deal to the manager or whatever. He gets money forever. The family doesn't get any money from the estate. Yeah. I have no idea if that's true or not,

but I think it's true to some degree. and but yeah I don't think also like if you all the rappers names that are like like spot them got them and like walk them down Tony

like I don't know if your name if your name on like if your legal name and your name on Twitter before we started the show was like I kill podcasters or like I I That would have been good, dude. I kill podcasts.

It would be an amazing username. I shoot and kill podcasters and comedians. Shooting and killing comics. And I reach out to it. I'm like, hey, man, you want to do a show together? And you're like, yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it would be a dream come true.

Let's meet up now. Drive. I've got no gear. Drive down here now. Yeah, that'd be pretty awesome. So I'm, like, moving slow. I've been sick. I threw up a bunch yesterday

and I think I'm still a little bit out of it. I got food poisoning from a chicken sandwich. I went to one of those yuppie places where it's mostly meant to be taking pictures and not eating food. And I ate a chicken pesto sandwich and then I just kind of project all vomited all day yesterday. And today I still kind of feel out of it,

but it is what it is. We don't really care about that stuff, man. But if you don't. If you're trying to projectile shoot fucking thick rope, and you're having trouble doing that. Yeah, I have a lot of trouble. At some point, you've got to stop blaming stress, sleep, or just, quote, unquote, getting older.

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So Danafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is registered trademark of Viatris, Beatrice, Specialty, LLC. Hems.com is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietris Specialty LLC. Yeah, go and get your pecker medicine. And also they have weight loss medicine. And if you're going, if you think you're experiencing a little bit of hair loss, you can also get that type of shit there. Yeah, and after that you'll probably be happy.

Yeah, hey, I want to tell you something. If you're not happy with your appearance and you work really, really hard to change it, I'll tell you as a guy that's done that, when you do achieve your goal, you are actually really happy and it works. It's not like you want something else or you're still unhappy fundamentally with who you are.

It 100% works, and it'll always work. Um, that's why I'm going to start getting plastic surgery. I don't know what I'm going to get, though. I think I might get, like, fillers or something. Maybe get some, uh, yeah. I think I'm going to get, like, a big, probably, like, an iron cross tattoo. I think. What?

Where? Probably, like, my whole back, because I've always sounded just, like, a cool shape, and I feel like people would understand the context and, like. Right. They would understand that you don't like it. Yeah. That you don't like the connotation that's normally associated. I don't like the,

racial connotation. I only like the religious connotation. I'm very religious. Okay. It is funny that there's like two ways to have a cross tattoo that don't look incredibly racist. Yeah. Like a Celtic cross still looks pretty close. Yeah.

Pretty close. I had an old boss who had a Celtic cross tattoo and then he got cancer and went bald and he started covering up the tattoo and public. public because he recognized that he looked like a skin head after getting cancer. He's also kind of, he got buff, but his hair didn't come back. So he just looked like a skin head. Very nice guy, though. And very, you know, I didn't want people to think that.

But, uh, skin, like a skin cancer head. Basically just have to get like the, the non-denominational, like the cross they have on the Bible. Yeah, yeah, just the straight-out. And that does look lame. It does. Nobody, if you have one of those, I'm assuming, you know, somebody's got to get him to wash his truck. Somebody's got a God-made girls.

Yeah, it's like that type of shit. You know what I mean? God made fish. And God made every single food you could put in that dish. God made gum God made Candid fruit God made Jew mix

God made tasty juice God made pop rocks Popping in my mouth Popping red box And blue racks and green box In this young man's mouth I remember in like You know, in like 7th or 8th grade where you're like, I don't know, people of my, the people I hang out with, it was like, people were always getting shit from Urban Dictionary and like, you know, you learn about like the Cleveland Steamer and the rusty trombone and all this stuff.

And somebody was like, oh, yeah, there's this thing called pop rocks blowjob where a girl puts pop rocks in her mouth and it sucks your dick and it's supposed to feel crazy awesome. And I remember thinking, like, as a kid who like obviously had not gotten my dick sucked by any. anybody. I was going to say by a girl, and then I feel like that was going to set you up to look at me, or is to say something that could get me, I'm trying to get better at navigating. I'm trying to get better at bobbing and weaving

potential attacks. You've been getting better at bobbin and weaving. Yeah. I've been getting better at bobbin specifically. Yeah. I don't think, like, I don't think it would feel cool to have a blowjob while there's explosions happening.

Yeah. I don't think it's a desire that most regular guys have and I think I'll leave it at that to be thinking about candy and blowjohns. Yeah. Because usually if you're getting a one, it's already a tenuous situation.

Why do you have pop rocks? You know what I mean? Well, like usually if you're getting one for, you know, especially if you're not at the very beginning of a relationship, you know, there's a delicate balance socially that you've, that you've struck. for those few minutes where, you know, the woman probably doesn't feel super obligated to complete this task if you do anything or request anything out of the ordinary.

Right, right, right. Like, say if you put your fingers in her ears or something like that, she would just stop immediately. So. You're giving her a wet willy and you're like, if you pulled out candy and you were like, yeah, I use it. this. Like, you're not getting the rest of the act.

Giving her a wet willy and you're like, whose ear is this? And she's like, oh. Yeah, that's something you can get away with like once at the beginning, maybe. But you're not. Whose nose is this bitch?

Right, yeah. You can do silly stuff like that. Like maybe at the beginning, but you can't really do it like after a while. Like six years in? Yeah. Also, at the beginning,

even if you were like, Hey, I got this fucking candy. I want you to suck candy. Yeah, yeah. And she probably would be like, oh, this is not like a smorg. This is like a guy who thinks Paul Walker is a good actor. He thinks about Paul Walker, like, before he goes to bad. He's like, I miss him, dude.

This is a guy who really wants to fuck Megan Fox still. Yeah, 2026. To a point where he's like obsessed with him. Yeah. Oh, man. I remember. I remember. I remember.

Exitantly saying Megan Fox. will have sex with your long-term partner or whatever. Yeah, you're like, oh, fuck. I did watch Vince Ford's 2. Oh, shit. I remember I worked with this big fat guy

who was a bartender, and he's like kind of like big beard, like epic bacon guy. So it's like 2014. Like epic bacon was like the thing or whatever. And this is also when quote unquote the fat-pidding happened or whatever. I don't remember this. Like all of the stuff.

Celebrities nudes got leaked. And, bro, he would come to me every day with, like, updates. Like a Jewish guy from New York that watches basketball and, like, knows, like, how many times players are during, like, Euro steps per game. Like, how many assists they have in their college career from 30 years ago. He was, like, Jennifer Lawrence, 28 images, five videos just released from the FAPR. Have you seen it? And I'd be like, uh, no, because I just got to work. Um, and on the way here, I wasn't looking at porn.

Bro, have you seen Scarlett Johanson's bathroom? Tile. It's fucking crazy. It's clean as fuck, bro. I like our guy who's really into grout. Not even pussy. It was like, dude, whoever did that grout work was a crazy, crazy attention to detail, bro. Crazy attention to detail.

Also, like. I never really got the We should have a new happening for a character actor I'm gonna leak Steve Bouchimi's nudes right now now that his wife just died Stephen Root

His butt and his balls I'm gonna leak Christopher Walkins Nudes while he's probably on hospice He's awesome dude Yeah I don't know I just changed my mind about him I've decided to speak ill with him Oh, okay.

That's fine. It is funny that he might have helped kill his friend's wife in the 80s. Wait, what? Christopher Walken was linked to a woman's death. There was a mysterious boating accident, and he was one of three people on the boat, and she was the third.

Basically, him, his wife, I mean, him, his friend, and his friend's wife go out on a boat. Him and his friend come back. Okay. And what happened to the wife? Oh. Oh, she fell off and drowned.

He couldn't save her. What happened? Just, that's what they say, but it's, there's, uh, you know, kind of conspiracy that they killed her together. Oh, that's, you know.

Uh, what the fuck? Uh, Oh, wait, hold on a second. Sorry, I got some people are fucking blowing. What the fuck? People are blowing me. People are blowing my balls up. Why am I in a chat?

Why was I added to a chat called Los Pandejos, and it's just pictures of Mia Khalifa? Well, I would say it's probably just people don't think you're going to respond. People have added you, and you can just leave. You could just leave, bro. Yeah, you leave that. Sorry. We're both looking at our phone.

Every six months I get added to a chat called Fat Motherfuckers. And I go, hey, I don't know any of you fucking guys. Oh, yeah. And my BMA is actually, I'm seven pounds below obese. So he's seven. Is that, it's, uh, what's, what's under obese, just overweight? Yeah. Yeah.

Obes is 30 B. am i or higher okay which is um yes i'll say that's pretty high like uh you know to be overweight technically you could be pretty skinny and still be overweight it's weird how that works because like i think like for me to be i i think for me i'm supposed to be around 170 or so like bm i was yeah yeah this is healthy and i wouldn't say that would be unhealthy but that's just it'll be very un-American of me right yeah I mean

I'm I was 170 and it was like I was like still in the like right at the normal to overweight range I was like what I'm like I have like I'm like 12% body fat like I'd what do you mean like I'm lean

I don't understand I think to have I think that that was probably made when people were eating like gruel and rice cake. I don't know. I don't know when that shit was invented. Probably,

I mean, I don't, but, like, I'm not like a big, big guy, but, like,

people don't yell at me. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, what would I, what would I change? Being a, being a brick shit house

in America is, being a white brick shit house in America is God's gift to this earth. Yes. You, like,

if I could just get a, like, a big suit. and just walk around with a bowler hat on and bump into people all day and then pretty much instantly just get stabbed by somebody probably doing that here

but I just have no desire to conform you know I love living in my fat body and taking up queer space with it and enjoying traditional candies and desserts and things of that nature. Dude, today I, I've been eating, like, largely from the U.S. Open's concession stand. Very nice. It's during the off season of the year, it's a lot cheaper.

Yeah. It's very bad food. And today I got a hot sausage, hot dog. And I got it with onions. and the onions were the wetest sauce I've ever had on anything in my whole life. Beautiful. And instantly ruined the food to an incredible degree. Basically turned the, when they put it onto the hot dog,

it turned the entire bun into a wet mess instantly. Lovely. I said, here's what I said. I said, can I get the hot dog? Can I get it with onions and mustard? That, Jake, is that a weird way to order a hot dog? I feel like it's very standard. Like, when you say you're getting onions on it, you assume probably raw onions, right?

I mean, you know, maybe grilled. Yeah, a lot of places will do grilled, especially in the south. You'll get like a, I've heard people call them Monterey or Southwest dogs where you'll get like a grilled onion with like a little bit of like pepper jack maybe shredded cheese. Yeah, that sounds nice. It is nice. Right. But I'm not expecting something that's high effort, right? you know they have this can from a sauce i guess

i mean a sauce from a can like a grilled onion canned I got this can from a school dude I'm really fucking dude I'm out of it dude I'm like I worked I worked like 13 hours yesterday and did not recover at all

yeah yeah um yesterday I was like asleep on the couch and Eden was like hey um do you want to go to bed soon I was like, I'm working on cat stuff right now. And she was like, yeah, I mean, it just seems like you kind of are, you know, asleep. And I was like, no, no, I can't be asleep.

I got to be awake right now. I got to, I got to clean the kitchen. She's like, right, you know, and I appreciate that. But just kind of the thing is, like, you're not, you don't have to be doing that, but you aren't, you're not doing that. Yeah, I am. You're sleeping. And then I would go, I would go to the,

spare bedroom and I would go sleep in there and then from across the house you know I'd hear hey did you did you accidentally fall asleep and I'd go no no I'm I'm cleaning the kitchen and I would just be asleep but my mind was so

fried that I was like in my head it was like I was like I was cleaning the kitchen but it was like I have to sit down really quick and then I'm cleaning the kitchen Yeah Yeah But I was under the covers Physically

There was a disconnect there Where it was like No I'm doing this as fast as I can This starts with me Getting at least an hour of sleep Yeah We were Well Ashley was watching

Love on the spectrum While I was cooking And uh I I know this isn't the right way This is just This is my mind And I think it's a problem

And I'm not saying this to be proud of it. But I think love on the spectrum feels like it's like, like, I feel like I'm gawking. I feel, it doesn't feel wholesome to me. And also, like, I, when something really kind of, I have a hard time watching, like, Nathan for you sometimes because of the situation is. Like, I get really, it's not even secondhand embarrassing. Like my spine recoils sometimes. And I was texting you when that guy, autistic guy,

big fat autistic guy with cowboy hat, he just stands up in the middle of the little restaurant on their date. And he's like, living on love, lying on time. I'm trying to think that there's been seen on high. You know, living on love. And the girl's like, Leaving on the And I was like

You go just fuck already Please Show us your pussy Let's save that dick Pull out that big time Brother Pull out your tithies at the restaurant more everybody's going to hate you

the production crew yeah I'm in there they should they should let us be the coaches in each of their ears oh yeah yeah like impractable jokers or whatever ask if he has a white

dick I don't I don't know if I pretend to drop your fork and suck his dick under the table we'll get a guy under there with a camera to show it wow this season went way different

than the others. They're showing full penetration. They're fucking in the bathroom with the cargo pants still on. I don't even think these people are autistic. I think these guys are just homeless. Oh, wait, this is love in the bathroom. This is about people fucking in the bathroom. This is gay sex in the bathroom.

I'm watching this on my phone. That's poop in the toilet every time they're fucking the bathroom. Uh... From the producers that brought you love on the spectrum. Fuck in the bathroom Fuck in the bathroom It stinks You've seen Love Island

You've seen Love Island You've seen Love is blind You've seen the ultimatum You've seen The other one Now get prepared for another true Romantic adventure Fucking in the bathroom

It stinks You've watched You've watched Love Island Now Fuck bathroom This is like 13 people And it loves truck stop bathroom Only one of you will get out of here alive

I mean Unfucked Love Island Fuck Island Is where you run around the island You're trying how to get fucked And work You're gonna hop out of helicopters

And fuck everybody on the island We've been training for years Yeah Squid game Squirt game James. Baird Rills flies over

and he jumps out of the out of the airplane with no parachute and he can see him somersault with his dick hard as he gets to the island. It's dick's hard

as he somersault. Yeah. Man, I'm not worth the fucking shit right now, dude. I feel like two fucking I feel like two pieces of pooping the

they're having a crawfish boil next door and I'm like, do I want to make myself even more sick. Using that nice gray water you guys got? Yeah. No, not at the bar.

I ain't eating here. It's at the bar next door. I think they have clean water, but I don't know. My water's gray and my food is red. Been poisoning my dog and my whole damn family's dead. I have autism and get public head. They put me on TV so I can get a piece of. daughter's blue and my son is red

choke both of them with death and now both are dead my daughter's blue and my son is dead cut my wife into pieces and I put her in the shed my wife's three two and she's in the shed

three two don't ask me her age it's best that it ain't said my wife 45 and my dog is who gives a fuck anymore dude who gives this shit oh my god I really wanted to have like a high energy episode

I was god damn I was just like I had to go to the doctor this morning and they had to press on my stomach a bunch and uh made me all gassy maybe gassy and burpee and farty you know made me want to oh

maybe want to make toots um so I was just gassy and farty and burpee and slap in my belly in the fucking doctor's office and I asked them if they would if they did physicals and they said no when you were in high school

did you have to do physicals for athletics yeah and I remember the nurse was the mother of a girl in my grade yeah she's very professional but I remember thinking oh my god she's going to look at all our dicks and tell her daughter

who has the biggest sense like that was a horrible fear I had I thought gosh she's gonna look real close and go mm-mm-mm-mm that is one good-looking specimen

thick piece of boy meat oh man I can't wait to draw this from memory to show my daughter who's 12 I remember that was a very real fear that I had Yeah And I remember I think I shaved before Oh yeah we talked about this

I used to keep my shit smooth In like the eighth and ninth grade Because I was like yeah I can't I don't want to be a hairy beast I thought that the doctor would probably want you to shave your penis before the physical. Yeah.

Yeah. I tried to explain this to somebody else, and I realized that me and you just happened to have done something pretty bizarre, and you gave me a false confidence. I was like, oh, other boys did this, and I was like, yeah, you know how, like, starting in, like, maybe 10th grade, you just started shaving your fucking balls and your dick super smooth in case you got, like, some crazy pussy, and they were like, I have no idea what you were talking about.

And I was like, oh. Well, my buddy. You know, he's like, yeah, I don't know. Fuck, no, dude. I've never even shaved my pubs. I'm a grown man. What the fuck are you on? And I was like, oh, well, yeah.

Me too, I was just joking. It's not like I was, you know, in my mind. I was like, yeah, I have to get ready to get pussy. So I have to be smooth as a fucking seal. Yeah, if I dance really good at this party, yeah, at this birthday party, probably going to be blowjumps. I would just end up with really bad razor burn that made it look like I had. STDs.

Because I like I never I didn't fake SDs back in the day You used to tell girls You had the clap Yeah I used to tell girls I had AIDS I had AIDS

I'd say I had AIDS Well I can't fuck tonight And I would say My day hearted From AIDS I'd say sorry I can't get hard

My day hurts Bad as fuck from AIDS I Yeah I got it From a I got it from an animal I got it from my dog.

I got dogs. I was 69 with a giant fruit bat and I got AIDS from it. With a flying fox from Borneo. I fucked this shit out of sugar glider and made it explode and I got AIDS from it.

My dick tore a sugar glider in half, but I got AIDS in the process. I got a dick so big with a squirrel in half. I got a dick so big. rip a squirrel in half God did so big rip your girl

a half Now that's a girl The rap I get Uh Wait Yo girl Does be so long

Now she's a girl The rap I gotta speak so long It rip a squirrel I have So long It rip your world A half

Oh This is the A milly Cadence yeah uh i got into beatboxing for like six months in high school

uh and it was pretty nice yeah and uh dude it kind of like it kind of like uh it was like a party trick it's kind of cool

I never I if you're beatboxing and you're like boom wong wow yeah I wouldn't do all that but if you can lay down a nice beat uh box

uh at a party in like 2010. It was a pretty funny thing to do. And people would be like, why do you know how to do that? And I'd be like, I don't know. It's just something I picked up. Fuck. Man, well, I'm glad you guys have enjoyed the last few.

Sorry, this one was kind of low energy. We are legends. We are legends. I fucking, it's late too. I have to figure out this fucking. We remember me. Centro breeze It's Jake and me

We'll be famous for a None of this will ever go away We're gonna keep being Cool guys and doing stand-up counting We'll do this weird We're 70 I'm never gonna want to let it go Because it's mostly all I have

All I barely done that anybody ever knows And everybody's ever been proud of It's the only thing that people tell me matters. They kind of have to stick with that. They have so many feet, those sent to their seven. That was awesome. You can't text that girl, she's 17. Yeah, and that's fine.

You can't be texting me. I'm only 17. How about A. Wall Nation sale? Maybe I am 17. Baby a teen, it's fine if it is texting. This is Christalia's dream. Framed. Framed.

Framed. I was going to say jail. Crystalia, he was framed. By a thousand. Women tricked him into getting tattoos of his name. when they were 17. Maybe I should get some help. Bon.

Maybe I should see someone. A thousand girls just tricked my friend. Theo Vaughn joins it. One million girls have lied about my friend. Bonds. Because he's so good at texting. All he did was ever text them. As far as I know,

it was his text. Also, he met up and d'est of for a long time in a thousand hotels. And also fanzically did bad stuff. None of them, bum, bu, bum, bum, a fray of sin, boom, boom. I want to bring a suicide vest, boom, to the best of the showcase at, boom, the mother's hip. Take me to your crowd work set. Gonna wear a big bomb vest. I love how your teeth are now big.

Why do you always have the biggest of teeth? Boom, boom. Jeff, I'm going to hug your chest. All right. If you're listening to this, thank you for listening to it. Sorry, I'm not feeling too hot. That's okay. We'll be back with the heat.

Oh, my God. You had to wait a next day? I'm filming a bunch of... Oh, God. you guys are okay filming some video episodes with everybody's favorite uh j t and ronado mccato

tomorrow uh after i get fitted for my wedding suit so y'all be on the lookout for that stuff and uh do you want to come see me do stand up um April 24th at the green room green room ATX you get tickets there uh I will be

uh and Austin April 28th opening up for Lemon Party tickets at Lemon Party life. May 1st in Houston at Secret Group, I will be there. I'm also going to be doing a bunch of stand-up shows at Secret Group that weekend. So if you

are Houston homie and you can't make the Friday show, I'll probably be doing spots in Houston all weekend. So come hang out. We'll grab a beer, maybe a grand prize or something. Thank you for listening to the show. Tommy, you got anything to blog? Yeah. I'm going to be back in Philly

May 15th. Oh, nice. I'm going to be on a show of, if you guys saw our Philly show, Drew Montana. Oh, yeah. Open for that. He's one of the, definitely one of the community leaders in the Philly scene. And he graciously put me on a show that I forgot to ask where it is, but it's in that area, and I'll get you guys details. Swag on 5,000.

We're going to work on, we're working on some shows for after when I get made. married. So for those of you have been asking about cities and shows, I think Florida might be the move. And then if you're asking us to go back to Seattle, which a lot of people have been, I would love to go back to Seattle. Also, if you guys live within like a couple hours of New York, like I can drive out and do shows. Like I'm always down to do small shows, bars, all that shit. drive it's the same with jake like if if you if you live in a town or you want jake on your show like literally we'll go we will i will drive anywhere in texas to do stand-up i don't yeah fuck yeah put me anywhere i would say within fucking six hours in new york city let me know and uh

and you've got if if i can't make it then i'll let you know but i really uh i try not to just turn down shit for convenience to see i'll go do shit at me anyway yeah if you got some shit in texas or Oklahoma or Louisiana even, you're like, hey, come do stand up in my city. And you know, like a brewery or a venue, just hit my line. And I would love to do that. I don't care. And usually, we end up selling good tickets. And it's always fun.

And I like getting drunk of everybody. Okay, I have to put this up on a new fucking hosting software. And I'm mad at a fuck about that. So thank you guys for listening. Bye. Bye.