Pendejo Time - spank 2

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

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Lift off. Lifting off. Lifting. Dude, set me down. Set me down, daddy. Come on. I don't like to be lifted. Put me in, coach. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready to play.

Today. Put me in, coach. Jake is gay. No, we already went through this. we already went through this we already went through this shit man i already went fucking dude fuck uh dude fuck whole foods i don't even ever want to fucking i thought central market was what's your problem with whole foods man dude i've never actually gone in there to shop uh i've eaten from the hot bar like once or twice and by eating i mean like i fill the thing up and then i just like walk out the door uh they have like a hot bar with like cooked food it's really fucking good food anyway

they shut down the heb by my place that i've been going to since i've lived in austin 10 years now um and the walmart by me has like more armed security than they do like bell peppers it's not it is like barely a store anymore it's someone it looks like a fema camp like that that place is rowdy as everything that you can grab is tied down with a security tag you have if you go to get a phone charger you have to go to where you buy the flat screen tvs and the guy unlocks the charger for you and then says eight dollars well you know why that is right yeah it's because of all no nobody wants to work anymore that's so true man stimulus because these stimulus checks yeah you know you know all these stimulant checks they got now.

Oh, dude, I fucking, all my checks used to be stimulant checks. You feel me, big dog? Man, that's a good one. Thanks, buddy. That was a clever one, man. Thank you so much, Thomas. Dude, I hope more wind blows through my windows tonight and just slowly. Come to my window.

Morning sun laid by the light of the moon. You think this is some kind of joke I'm fighting for my life out here, man? No, you're being weird. The storm hit you yet? It's been dropping like five degrees every hour since like... Yeah.

530, I guess. 4, 5, since the sun went down. Anyway, fuck. I hope you Democrats are happy out there. This is because of you. It's because of Joe Bye-Bye. I got like 10 things. I didn't know. I thought it was like

I mean, obviously I knew it was a little more expensive. It's sprouts or whole foods. I kind of fuck with sprouts, honestly. Sprouts is sick And so is Aldi Wheatsville But like

I go to Whole Foods I didn't know they had a whole There's a bar in there Which is like Come on Like why the fuck Do you need to have a bar In the grocery store

It's a full bar It's not like a sample It's a full fucking bar Are there Is it like There's no liquor in there Because you can't serve liquor In a grocery store in Texas But they got wine and beer um and and like every i went over to the meat out so i

just got snacks and stuff for the freeze assuming because our power is probably going to go out i'm just i got an email from the complex that was like we didn't prepare so have fun you know um which is always reassured the email was like hey run. The email was like, hey, run your faucets. We had a lot of pipes burst last year, like a lot. And we, like, can't get out to fix it because we're not going to come in tomorrow because of the roads. So, like, if you have, like, freezing water, like, all over your place, like, make sure you got protein bars.

Make sure you got a fire log um run your faucets okay and just and just just wait to die you fucking retard wait wait to fuck it um so i'm going i was just getting snacks i was just getting fucking like uh protein bars and uh i got two logs to burn the fucking fire with i got waters just shit for like emergencies it was like almost 200 which is like if i spend 200 at heb i got groceries for like a month like and i was going over to the meat eric's i was like fuck it i'm here you know and like a thing of chicken that would be like 11 at heb is like 38 39 dollars seriously i haven't been to whole foods before now central market is one of those places where like you just have to buy the right things you know right like like honestly

like chicken like i get uh like chicken thighs and stuff there and it's admittedly like more expensive than let's say like kroger or whatever right But anytime I've gone to like a bargain grocery store for meat, the only reason why it's cheap is because it expires like the next day. Yeah. It's like, well, this isn't like that much of a deal. I'm just eating stuff that has like worms in it. Well, H-E-B and Central Market are owned by the same like parent company. So you can buy a lot of the same shit.

But Whole Foods is its own fucking thing. And like all the meat, i was not i'm not i was like and this was like a like a six pack of like uh big chicken breasts okay this is this is fucking riveting conversation i'm just denting hey it's like you're good man this is our show yeah and and i go to the every i was trying to get Toothpaste too All the toothpaste Nine Ten dollars And it's like

This toothpaste Makes your fucking penis Like tingle And this one Dude I just need toothpaste I don't need it to be From the Himalayan Fucking

This is uh For guys This is for people With uh Sensitive labia Yeah This is for Bipolar 2 disorder

Uh It's toothpaste for It I saw people in there with the kind of carts that you see like people at walmart they got six sticky fat fucking stinky ass kids behind them dude towering carts fucking i got 10 things in my shit and i was doing the math and i was just like 152 hondo i'm like are y'all really spending a thousand fucking dollars in whole foods right now there's no fucking way there's no way way. But of course, you know, like you

can tell, like people are in there like drinking and like having dinner. Like, I don't know if this is every Whole Foods, but like the Austin Whole Foods that I was like the closest place to my apartment. I just, and it was just dog shit. It was like a, like a yuppie compound. They had like a deli in there, seafood. They had a seafood, like a little restaurant in there. And then they had like a deli in there seafood they had a seafood like a little restaurant in there and then they had a like a bar and i'm like do i just want to fucking shop i don't give a fuck about artisanal fucking pop tarts and like you know like alkaline water like i was just looking for osaka dude none the only water they had was like this water was dripped from this trickled down from a mountain trolls scrotum

yeah polynesian man's nutsack i was so fucking furious and uh anyway i guess i'll just have to go to the war zone walmart that's by my that's by my house it's it's literally like it is it it is something else dude it's a sight to see they never have anything a lot of their shit is just gone like they you know uh there'll be a guy like in the front like tweaking the fuck out you know just like he might be one of the greeters i don't fucking know i honestly prefer that i think it's more interesting it makes for more captivating shopping experience i had a lady get mad at me for grabbing chicken thighs today. What do you mean?

She was just standing in the aisle, so we just went around her. And she was like, just barrel right through me. Wow. This is like one of those moms who's like,

every year she gets a new Tahoe for some reason. Yeah. Not like a fucking Lexus or anything. It's like, no, this is a slightly more tank-sized. Like a 2013. It's a Denali, but it's like eight years old. Yeah. Yeah.

And also gains anywhere between 25 to 30 pounds per year. Yeah. Probably a real look back in the day. And half of it's in her hair. Just becomes a more solid block of just bleached shit every year. There was a lady in Whole Foods. She had her little daughter with her. And I'm like looking for like Clif Bars and shit to snack on in case power goes out.

And and she was like like asking her mom, like, where's the candy? And her mom, like very smugly to her own little girl, like her own daughter. It was one of those like we're talking like Lululemon, like didn't probably just very fit. We're talking like Lululemon, like, didn't probably just very fit, very, like, very leathery, tan, like Peloton mom was like, they don't have candy here, honey. Like to her, like, like to her own kid, like her kid, like a fuck, like her kid's the dumbest motherfucker that ever was. And I was like, man, people really like, they're, I would rather be raised by like a pillhead, fucking degenerate gambler than have a mom that's like, you want candy? What are you, fucking stupid?

You fat fucking idiot. Like, to your own kid. It was just clear as a bell. I'd rather be raised by the smug one who has money. You think so? Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah. Then you figure out later

like oh well my parents are assholes but they do have money yeah that's honestly that is the great equalizer yeah you know yeah it's like wow you know my parents really cared about me but you know i had a really supportive mom we didn't really do much And the house got foreclosed on And we cried like all the time Yeah this is my You know these are my bitch ass parents In this you know In this hypothetical But they

They have like a huge boat That I get to borrow Yeah My dad gave me the Lexus Yeah For free I don't have any car payments The people I

Growing up Heard bitch about their parents More than anyone was the guys who'd be like yeah so my dad gave his fucking old ass denali 2019 to my fucking older brother instead of me even though i've been working part-time at his foam insulation company you know a couple days a week. Yeah. Is loyalty nothing to him? I got this fucking bitch-ass 1500 Silverado Z76 or whatever. It's got the 6.8 in it. It's not even the 7.

It's not. Yeah. Oh, leather seats. Great. No seat warmer. No thermostat control. Yeah. I guess all the girls are going to think

I'm a fucking orphan. My old roommate, Rich Gay Zack, whenever he graduated college, all of his brothers got $20,000 Rolexes. They threw him a graduation party, and his dad gave him one. He was mad that his brothers got them too he was like this is my party like you can't like how like he would complain me and karen my one of my best friends came the guy did the porky shirts the shit that he would complain about like i

thought he was joking he was like yeah my dad got the pot that the i don't know how to pronounce potik p-a-t-e-k the watch company like yeah he got one of those and then got me like a rolex patek philippe yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's like i got the rolex it's like dude you got enough money to buy two philippes like why like why are you getting me this rolex and i was like how much is the rolex and he's like like 16 grand and i was like and I was like hold on a second you're great new Richard Milley

guess I'm fucking yeah in 2019 now yeah I guess I'm Drake on what a time to be alive this is old shit this is you know

but that like those moments were honestly some of my most cherished because it was like this guy isn't joking he's genuinely at his core torn up.

I think I would be like that to a certain extent too. Oh, no. There's no doubt in my mind. My life has gotten so much better in the last like two years. And I'll be like, oh, great. Yeah. This peanut butter is 20 cents more expensive than it was when I was in high school. Yeah.

And then I'm like, what the, what are you doing, dude? You used to pay for gas with literal nickels and pennies. Yeah. Like not that long ago. Like with the same car you have now. Yeah. 18 months.

I'm, I'm bitching about the whole foods thing, but it didn't fuck me up. Like we're talking about, we're talking like we're two guys who are super rich now. Yeah. I'll put it, but we're both like barely like

scraping yeah yeah yeah i like well it's the but no it's like it did when i was like because i always like could barely pay rent when i live with this guy and he was like yeah i uh i had to like like send photoshopped uh versions of our bills to my dad so I could get more money from him wired to me and I was like how much does he wire you and he was like well I usually get about $3,500 but I usually at the end of the month ask for an extra $1,500 to $2,000 and I was like your dad sends you $5,500 a month and he was like on average yeah anywhere between four and six and I was like your your dad like you don't like work for him you don't like do books for him you know you don't like go home on the weekends and like trim the

fucking trees even he's like no i mean all the the brothers get about the same and i was like your dad's dropping thirty thousand dollars a month on his fat rowdy pillhead sons he's like i mean yeah and i was like that rocks like that is so fucking sick dude like it like i would like to with the mind and spirit that i have now think i wouldn't be that type of rich person like growing up that way like if i were to come into a crazy amount of money now like i can't change like how who i am and how like i grew up or whatever but if i was born that way there's no fucking way I would not be the same way. You know?

Like, oh, the E-Class? 2,000... Okay. I mean, I guess I'll take it. You know? Like, it doesn't have Apple Play. Yeah, it's like Webby said. You know?

Product of my environment. Right. You know? That is true. That's true. And... P-O-M-E. P-O-M-E. P-O.

Poem. Sometimes you got to know when to poem them. Know when to dome them. Know when to blow them. Man, I just had some delicious pasta and chicken. That's badass. And some mushrooms and stuff. I haven't been to the gym all week, but I am dieting, so it's kind of like a wash.

I've been to the gym one time in the last, like, two weeks. And, dude, I'm feeling nice and pumped up. You know, I used to work out, like, two, three hours a day. But looking, like, right now I'll be like, man, I used to be so like with it with fitness. But then I was like, oh, you used to work and work out and you had nothing else in life. Like that was it. I'm like, man, I was so dedicated to fitness when I was on house arrest. Man, what changed since then?

Since I was a literal like day laborer yeah with a felony i worked out so i wouldn't kill myself and i'm like oh man those were the days and no they weren't like there's it's not really how things go but it's it's funny no matter like what stage of life you're in you can be like oh man that part of life from then was good but then i know in like six months i'm gonna be like oh man i remember when i um didn't have to be like cleaning windows or whatever you know yeah it's just well i think i'm like fundamentally like dissatisfied which i think is like kind of good because it like makes me want to do stuff but makes you hustle harder yeah i remember ashley asked me it was like you know we were just

bullshit and she's like what was like the the happiest time in your life like thus far and i thought hard and i was like that's a really fucking like hard question and then i remembered i was like well when i was 20 years old and i was like bartending at this restaurant my rent was like 400 i had no car payment because I drove a beater. I don't think I had car insurance at the time. And my phone bill was like $40. I think my bills collectively were like less than $600, $700. And I was making like $200 or $300 a night like bartending or whatever.

Part time. And my rest of my time I was like playing sand volleyball and like doing molly and like listening to fucking like like uh fucking acid rap i had like smoking but i was like probably like 19 20 years old for those reasons that i just listed she's like why and i was like well because like i didn't have anything to do except like just kind of hang out and like now but my life is exponentially better than it was so much better but but i'm like i like i'm like no that was the best time of my life because i had like nothing to pay to anybody really it's just like hedonism or whatever you know for sure yeah like like i'll think of like good times when i

was younger and it's like oh i um this uh this lebanese guy used to sell me tall boys uh when i was underage and then i would take them and then get some like uh like a huge bag of like shitty weed and I would smoke weed out of a bong in a gravel pit by myself or with like two or three other like fucking annoying dudes in a van and then I would get way too high and just like drive it like either five or like 105 yeah miles per hour uh like just on back roads and then sometimes i just like closed my eyes like while i was driving yeah yeah and then i go home and like you know uh you know live with my parents didn't really have anything going on and it wasn't like a situation where it was like hey son doing great like you know yeah not doing shit it was like, hey, son, doing great. Like, you know, not doing shit. It was like, hey, what did you do today?

And I'm like, I rode on a skateboard and I broke both my legs. So I had to go to the doctor and the doctor told me, you can't work part-time no more. You got to quit and you got to start staying, you know. Yeah, you got to start a podcast and say bp hole like twice a week i remember like towards the end of my like i'd say like party days or whatever which i say that like i was when i say that i mean times when i was just getting fucked up all the time because you can just say oh yeah those were my party days yeah you don't have to be like yeah when i was like struggling with substance abuse because that just sounds gay yeah yeah like i i got home i think i've told you this

before i got home after this terrible acid trip or whatever and i'd like basically broken my ankle trying to ride a skateboard um no no this was when i went down a playground slide And fucked my ankle when I went down It was like the size of a grapefruit the next day Anyway, but I did acid that night And I thought it was just my depth perception was fucked But I get home the next morning And I'm like, I had a bad trip So I could like barely talk

And I was like sweaty as fuck Hadn't been home in like three days Wearing the same clothes had this like god-awful mustache that i've been trying to make happen for like a year yeah anyway i get home and i'm like oh fuck it's easter so you know my family's like all dressed up and shit and i'm just like hobbling in. Stinking. I'm like, yeah, I'm like. I also had like half a handle of vodka the night before. But when you're on acid, like, you know, you can't. Yeah, it's like water, really.

Yeah. Good times. I didn't really have a moral to that story. Maybe I was just getting off my chest. I think there is something to be said about like, like maybe there's like a fundamental, like, cause men, there are like five to six loadouts for guys, you know,

like, like call of duty. You got five or six, just all over across billions and billions of men. You know, there's like a limited number of types of guy to be. And there's like a Stefan, a certain type of guy,

like a loadout that you and me occupy. That's like, uh, man, you're, this is the best time of your life, man. You know, show and fucking, and me occupy that's like uh man you're this is the best time of your life man you know show and fucking you know things are looking up and you're like the best time of my life was when i had like third like i don't know i worked like 13 hours a week and i like never ate really uh and i drank just like oes and like steel reserve when i ate

peach rings and that was like breakfast, lunch, dinner. Um, and I like, sometimes my best friends would beat the dog shit out of me and vice versa. I'd smoke palm oils and then I would just like wake up every four days and be like, ah, fuck. You know, like that was really like the easiest, I wouldn't say best, but definitely the easiest. And then people are like, how is that easier than how you have it now? And it's like, it just, you know, just fun. You was fun it was very very liberating you know there's nothing i didn't give a fuck i didn't give a fuck about like tat like i remember the first time i paid taxes i was

like there's no way i'm not gonna go to jail like i i think i was like 19 or 20, 19. I think I was 19. Cause I had a job when I was 18, but I didn't pay taxes. Cause I just like, I was living in Austin and my mom, like we didn't, you know, she didn't remind me. And then like, I was like, I'm going, I'm gonna get a felony. I'm in prison. And then like, I was paying taxes on this like bar job.

And I did make quite like I'm not in this I was like I was about to be like I made pretty good money I think that year I made like 17 18 thousand dollars by bartending like working part-time and making good money like working two days three days a week but it was you know anyway and uh and being like man I don't like this you're telling me I have to do this every year for the next like 50 years? Like this is dog shit. So like I did not pay taxes the next year because I just like I was like, you know. And it wasn't until I like talked to my mom about her.

She was like, you have to pay taxes. I was like, yeah, but like do I have to? Like I didn't make like a million dollars. And she's like, the people who like, it's actually the other way around. People are like, oh, they don't come after broke people. No, they do.

They don't come after the people. They almost only come after broke people. Only exclusively because. And like newly rich people who don't know how to hide that shit. They don't have the team of lawyers on. Yeah. So it was like,

but it was like all these little, like these are not profound observations that neither, either of us are was like but it was like all these little like these are not profound observations that neither either of us are making but there was like i think back to when like if i could somehow i could never times have changed seasons are changing if i could like have like my total bills be like 500 a month oh i would be, that would be sick. If I worked like 10 hours a week, you know? But no, it's just not the way it is anymore. I decided to get a fucking Nissan Altima with insanely high car payments

because I was upside down. How much longer you got left on that thing? Dude, if I don't miss another payment, if I pay on time, I will, my last payment will be my maturation day, the day that I owe the bank. I did the math. I got four more years on it.

I've been paying on it for almost five. If I make every payment, I'll pay it off right when I would owe the bank the entire amount of money. But my payments are insanely high dude have i told you how much i pay for my car it's like 500 right 534 dude five for a nissan ultima base i got fucked like raw like i had you could have gotten like a corvette dude i know i tried to i told my my boss was like hey either you find a car this week or you know not going to let you work from home. And I lived like an hour and a half away from my job at that point. And the motor blew in my Impala.

So I was looking and looking. I went to get a Honda. They wanted to cash down. I was like, I need you to understand something. I have no savings. My credit score, 608. I've got about $8,000 in credit card debt that I do not plan on paying, like not even in the next 30 years. That's what I got. So Honda told me no. Chevy,

when I went to the Chevrolet dealership, there was a guy there that was like, I guess he saw a young dude with like, he was like, we're going to put you in an SS today, player. Today we're going to put you in that. And I was like, oh man, I just kind of need an A to B and I don't got an SS money. And he was like, finance. In-house financing, baby. It's very simple. And I was like, I don't know if I should do that.

So I like walked out and I was getting like texts and calls from him like an ex-girlfriend. And like, hey, it's 8 p.m i was wondering i was just wondering if you're thinking about you you want to see it's like when you do the trial at a gym and they're like hey brother i could tell you got a lot of potential what are you like 405 525 yeah yeah i'm dead lifting 250 i got anyway uh fucking um but the nissan guy was like i can put you in this this is and this was like the day that my boss was like you have to find something or we can't sorry this was before the work from home era yeah uh and i was at the nissan and i basically was at my wits end

and i kind of showed my hand to the guy i was was like, I need to find a car like today. And I needed to cost me like no money up front. Cause I have no money up front. And he was like, all right, Nissan, ultimate base, $534 a month for like eight years. And I was like, I literally left the dealership and went back to work like i got in the car i drove from round rock nissan like 15 minutes south to get to my job and i was like i have a car i could keep my job right and they were like i guess yeah and i was like i don't know what i just did uh but it wasn't it wasn't good like i don't you know because i uh my buddy he got he has this like tech sales job he bought a fucking murdered out black on black on black black rims black leather interior black exterior all the fucking dials are like a deep dark blue fucking killer custom mustang gt I asked fucking car we were bullshitting

and he was like yeah bro I didn't put any money down either. And my payments are like $490. And I was like. I just did the math. You're paying like $51 something in total for that. What? For your car. Oh, no, it's not $51. It's like $33.

Oh, do your payments go down? No. So starting in 2000. So I've missed a lot of payments. Oh, I got you. Yeah. That I just tacked onto the end of the loan. Uh, I've probably missed like a easily a year's worth of payments. Uh, but, uh, I've done the math. I got it. It, so I can see the account thing when I go to pay it. I got to pay it tomorrow, actually. It started off at $30 and some change. It's down to like $16,500 right now.

So I probably have like $14,000. Anyway, stupid, stupid conversation to have. But that's why I'm like I want to so badly after it's paid off to get a really fast car, but I probably would just buy a beater, to be honest. Well, you could just sell your Nissan for $3,000. Oh, it won't be worth that. It won't. Is the condition that that cocksucker's in?

No. How many miles does it have on it now? 57,000. That's not bad. No. But the car, everything's so fucked, dude. I was looking at like used, just used fucking like old Cadillacs at like $2,000 or $3,000 just to fucking, you know. They're all like eight or nine.

Everything's fucked right now. Yeah. Preaching to the choir here, you know. I tell you, brother. Preaching to the choir. You know, things ain tell you, brother. Preaching to the... You know, things ain't like they used to be. Ain't like they used to be. Back in the day,

you know, people go to church and they pray. Now, they say, I'm gay. Now they listen to, you know... Doja Cat. They listen to Eric Church and they eat at Chick-fil-A

that that is true I mean that's the that's the truest shit I've ever heard used to be you could get you could get

a car dealership now life is hard and we deal with it that is so fucking true, dude. I love it. That is absolutely. I wrote that one down before we started the show.

I figured you'd like it. I love stuff like that when you say stuff like that. How expensive have guns gotten? From my understanding, guns are about $100. How expensive is one bullet nowadays? Dude, I keep, like, seeing it. You go to Academy or whatever, like, Bass Pro Shop, and you're like, hey, I just need, like, your cheapest revolver and then just one, like,.45 bullet.

They're like, well, we don't sell by the one. Some guy who's, like, been doing a bunch of pills, and he buys one.45 bullet and then, like, a don't sell by the one. Some guy who's been doing a bunch of pills, and he buys one.45 bullet and then a.22 revolver. He goes home, and he's hitting it with a hammer. He's like, God damn it. Pistol whipping yourself to death. to death um they uh the academy that i like that i go to to get like hand wraps or whatever um their gun section is like it's clear that that they're still suffering from i guess like pandemic like gun buying panic because the only like shit they have in stock is they'll have like an old

like antique revolver that's nine thousand dollars for whatever fucking reason and then they'll have like all the pink 22 like hunting rifles you know like like dad's girls and the only ammo they have is like 45 acp like they don't have like shit like like high caliber hollow like there's no reason for anybody to have you know like all nine million stuff's gone or whatever but you'll still see motherfuckers like looking at that one revolver like yeah you know this would really put a hole in a motherfucker you know like this is the guys who like have to go look at the guns and window shop yeah well their wives are buying fucking like athleisure or whatever the fuck. They did have a sick...

They did have a row of tactical shotguns. They looked like Benelli's. They had the pistol grip. They were sick looking. But they were like $190. And I was like, there's no way this thing works like they look shotguns are cheap no i know they're cheap but like well unless you get like an engraved double yeah like no for sure i know shotguns are cheap but it was like i was like that like they

looked very like tactical like very like oh i got you you know what i'm saying boy yeah yeah they were like they had the pistol grip and they had like this john wick like where you put shotgun shells like in the side of the fuck you know they got like a fucking laser thing yeah yeah and they were like yeah i was like oh this is something you buy you know and you don't shoot it you're like yeah some of you buy and then you like pull up to the courthouse and you're 6.0 F-250. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, they keep coming around trying to run my town. Yeah, they keep trying to make me pay alimony.

There was a guy last year at the, shit, this might have been two years ago. Whenever the Black Lives Matter protests were going on, a bunch of, like, Boogaloo boys or whatever, like, biker gangs and shit showed up to the weatherford courthouse like a lot yeah like it was like a statewide thing right um side note i around that time didn't really realize all that was going on and uh got into a really cool conversation with a biker guy at a gas station and then like a week later realized he was in town to like possibly kill a black guy um he's like a super chill dude i thought and i was you know i was just getting some crispitos you know yeah pizza store whatever and uh saw this guy he was like i was like oh what's up man and he was like not much brother you know uh just in town for a while you know one of our guys got got killed a couple weeks ago so we got a rally you know yeah yeah you know that sounds

about right i gotta go work on a sprinkler here in a while so similar predicament you know yeah not really listening to what he was saying at all. And then, like, a week later, I see, try and drive by the courthouse, and the police have, like, the block. Court enough. Yeah. And some fucking dumbass, like, apparently got on, like,

he got into the bed of his truck and pointed a sniper rifle at the courthouse. That's awesome and so it was just immediately like arrested and charged with like a federal like felony yeah yeah like a a very bad one for just being the one guy to be dumb everybody was open carrying their people had like m16s ars yeah. No AKs because this is a civilized country. Yeah. And the police were like, all right, they can do that.

They can hang out on the courthouse lawn with ARs. We don't have a problem with that. But as soon as you point it at a building, you're toast, dude. You're fucked. Yeah. You're a threat, dude. Yeah. You guys can have bump stocks

aimed at the ground of the courthouse right but as soon as the barrel raises up to like door level uh i remember when i was working at that coffee shop uh halcyon like selling cigarettes and stuff um while i was in grad school the fucking uh i was like not really security this place didn't need security it was like a bougie coffee liquor bar for like fucking yuppies and you know whatever the fuck but i would sometimes have to like homeless guys would just like pull their dick out on the porch and be like i got a penis penis for sale or whatever i'd have to be like come on man let's you know anyway uh this was when there was like a biker festival in town or something i don't there was a lot of bikers in the city i think they come they drive through here usually bikes yeah there was a dude uh my manager came up to me a little little friend of mine. There's a dude sitting at the booth, and on the back,

he's got his fucking, he's got his patches and shit, but he has SS bolts, like an SS bolt patch, like on the side or whatever. And we're in like the gay zone of Austin,

all the wrong, 4th Street, where all the gay bars are. The gay zone. The gay zone. That was my air horn sound. It was really, really accurate sound. And he was like, hey, man.

And this dude did not look. He wasn't like, oh, this is what. He did not look friendly. He did not look like he wanted to be asked too many questions about his patches. He was in there like, I think. I don many questions about his patches um he was in there like i think i don't know what the fuck he was doing in there it's a yuppie joint with a bunch of you know fucking uh like pronoun and bio motherfuckers you know i don't i think maybe just getting a coffee who fucking knows but he was in there like looking at his phone he's minding his own business but minding his own business with fucking like a nazi patch on back of his jacket and uh i forget the

the name of the the group but they're a pretty big one the fucking uh uh god damn it i don't want to spend too much time thinking about it yeah the beastie boys is the beastie boys biker gang anyway my manager comes up and he's like, hey, you see that guy's patch? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, well, we don't allow stuff like that in here. And I was like, okay, well. He was like, it's like a policy we have, you know, like right to refuse service or whatever. And I'm like, swag, yeah, okay.

swag yeah okay he's like so you know you gotta go like tell him to go and i was like well you are kind of the owner right now and he was like, you know, Tim, like we, um, that guy with 1% of this group, um, I don't want to be a part of the 99 that they do damage to. Uh,

I mean, if this guy wants to fist fight, Hey, I, we can fist fight, but something tells me that if you've got an SS patch on and you rode up here on a bike and you've got a bunch of scars all over your body, that fist fighting is like not how you start and end things. It's kind of something you don't, you're way past that. If you're like a middle-aged dude and you've got SS, you know, young fucking teenagers

all over the world, dude, have their Nazi shit and it's like a fucking skinhead thing. It's aesthetics. nazi shit and it's like a fucking skinhead thing it's aesthetics you chose a long time ago to have that patch on your jacket and you have not come to your senses like you are he was clearly like 45 50 that was like old guy jacked a little bit you know i was like this guy is this is not an aesthetic choice he believes that shit and uh he was like well you know we just can't have him in the bar and you know you are like security and i was like dude i will get into a fight with a homeless man i'll get into a fight with a drunk guy um but you know like i just you know you know you just gotta You pick your battles. You got to know when to hold. Know when to let the Nazi drink coffee.

Went wherever he wants. What was funny is I was like, he went up to the bar and got a drink, like a coffee drink or whatever, and he goes to walk out. He wasn't there long or whatever. And the manager comes back over. He's like, you know what that guy fucking ordered dude i was like what he was like a white mocha like a white mocha latte and i was like oh that's funny like you know and he was like you know like i think he was making a joke like you know like haha white pat whatever he was like no dude he asked for like extra foam and i was like you're fucking he was like no dude hand to god he he ordered like no dude he asked for like extra foam and i was like you're a fuck he was like no dude

hand to god he he ordered like a like a sorority girl drink i was like dude that is so sick to be a dude who's most certainly killed a motherfucker one at least like there's no you know he wasn't this wasn't some part-time motherfucker who's a dentist on the weekdays it was clear as a fucking day that this motherfucker meant business. He just wanted his sweet pussy drink, like his fucking gay boy drink. I guess when you're that hard, like you could, yeah, can I get a Frappuccino, Caramel, Venti, some more simple syrup in that, please?

If you look at me fucking sideways, I'm going to cut your dick off. Like if you're harder than nails, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Like no one's going to test you or whatever. That's how I'm going to be when i get older um you are except with um leftism you see that dude with the uh fucking he's got the bernie 2016 patch on you really want to fuck with that guy right now he's he's 45 yeah he's 45 and skinny fat yeah he's got a flannel on dude you want to mess with him 511 202 you know he's got fucking lb duck boots on and you're gonna mess with him right now that's a saint john saint john's bay sweater from jason

north face jacket, son. Do you know what that means around here? You see that Carhartt with mustard stains all over it. Yeah. You're going to mess with that guy. Yeah. Do you see the Columbia hat? That's got, I love fishing on the back and a fucking fish hooks to the top.

You see that guy's fucking Rasta beanie. Uh, for some reason his like, uh, Navajo necklace. Yeah. You're going to mess with that guy? Do you see that guy's Elastistretch dockers?

Okay, he's ready for it. He's got movement on his mind. He's fucking slick. He's bobbing, he's weaving, he's stuck. I'm imagining one of those, like, biker guys, like, wearing, like, brand new Doc Martens. And you're, like, trying to gauge whether that takes away from how hard he is or if they're just, like. He just likes the boot? Dude don't know what dude i understand people like docs i don't really have a problem with people wearing them at all but to me it's always been a woman's boot i think we've talked about this before yeah no i have a pair of the new order docs they're very very they're sick

but they're very you know it's not like but i will i will say i'm i'm like stubborn about boots and that like to me it's more of like a it is a fashion thing but it's it needs to have utility for sure you know i used to i had doc martin work boots and they were my favorite fucking work boots i've ever had in my whole life. I've heard they're good boots. I don't really like the way they look, but I'm fine with other people wearing them. Like Chelsea boots for me. Those are fucked up.

Okay. I like some of the – they have like some – like those Blundstones ones. Those are okay. But like the ones that look like some – like those Blundstones ones. Those are okay. But like the ones that look like they're from Kohl's or whatever. European Coke dealer type slip-on. Yeah, or like the $700 ASAP Rocky Chelsea boots. I'm like, hey, man, you got to cut that shit out. Yeah, no, I don't – there's like a – there was like a time, 2015, 16 in Austin where like I never had a pair

but every place that I went and worked I was working at this bar at the time every fucking guy had the brown suede pull on Chelsea's yeah like the ones that Kanye wore like twice yes

and that guy here like two years late but it was instead of like hip guys it was like it, but it was instead of like hip guys. It was like it was, but it was like you and T future youth pastor type. Yeah. Denton guys. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't under like I. Yeah, I don't know. Fuck those boots, man. I never had a good fucking interaction with anybody who wore those fucking things. It's like I have a zero percent successor i have no problem like culturally politically philosophically with white people having dreadlocks i don't give a fuck i do not care i don't care where it started i don't know one chill guy chill white guy who has dreads i was gonna say i have he owns a fire he he owns a firework stand he's very nice that is sick i have a 0% success rate with interacting with them.

So in that way, it sucks. But I remember when this was a hot-button issue when I was in college, it would be a bunch of fucking liberal fucking dorks. They shouldn't do it. They'd be hanging around at a house party. People would be talking about this shit or whatever. It would be brought up. After everyone's leaving, people are talking and drunk and bullshitting.

And I was like, I mean, I don't give a fuck, like, at all. I don't care. They're like, well, it's appropriated or whatever. I'm like, oh, no. Here's the thing. I fucking don't like them. Because if I'm, like, hanging out and a dude's like, hey, man, you know, there's, like, the moon has, like, so much power.

Bro, you ever been in, like, a fucking, like, mosh like uh like so much power bro you ever been in like a fucking like mosh pit at a rave bro you ever seen like a like a crystal turn bro have you ever like fucked on shrooms dude yeah it's like a whole new experience bro you should try it with like a girl and like tell me how it went i've only tried it with a lot of guys, so I'm not... Yeah, like, I just... Like, I never... My biggest sort of, like, grievance with that group was that, like, they just suck dick. Here's the thing, though, and this is not...

I'm not trying to make this a sexist issue, but the girls that have it, way worse. Like, I can't even begin. Like, where was this place we used to hang out off the Greenbelt? It was called Lost Creek. And it has, like, a nice little beach. And it's called Lost Creek because sometimes the creek don't exist. But after a good couple days of rain, you give it a day, it's nice and flowy.

It's nice and clear. Anyway, very cool place to hang out drop acid or whatever um i'm like and there's a little cave you go in and it's very great for tripping like because the water's got a waterfall i've always wanted to go in a cave uh it's a mini cave you could just just stand up enough in the motherfucker and i'm in there dude and i am tripping my fucking nuts off mushrooms dude i am like i need to be away from all human beings i was having like an experience there's a lot of topless uh women hang around this place they like take you know it's whatever like nudist people

hang out here and uh i i'm i'm like sitting on the thing and i'm chain smoking menthol cigarettes it's the only thing keeping me grounded. But I run out of mine. And then I smoke all of my friends. That was a problem I dealt with later. I was like, I need to wade into the water. Fucking wade in the water. I just need to fucking. So I go into the water.

The water hits me and it shocks me and it kind of sobers me up a little bit. And I'm like, I'm going out chest deep and I'm going to go in the cave. Hope to God there's nobody in there. I go past a little waterfall. I get in the cave. There is not a motherfucker in there and i am hyped dude i'm in there four or five minutes and this girl and uh dreadhead fucking puka shell that's the only thing she had on and like tits out and then this like fat mexican dude like hispanic guy like coming under the cave and uh i was like like it was two people i didn't need to see to get like in that moment i was like this is too much like i can't deal with it was too over stimulating and uh you know she's like oh like uh do you mind like like you know you having a good time? And I'm like, autopilot, like GTA NPC, like wonderful, wonderful weather.

It's good when clouds are bright. It's solid, like mushroom talk. You know, it's very, very good. And, you know, we'll make small talk. And then I kind of just like, I think they could tell I was tripping. Maybe they didn't. I don't know. Because then they started like making out.

I'm like five feet from them. Was it loud? Like, I could hear it like you get in on that no i didn't start making out with the mexican guy yeah yeah yeah i was like let me feel the makeups brother let me see what's going on you're like man it was the worst trip ever i went in this cave and i had a threesome with a fat mexican guy and a dreadheaded white girl i really like the idea like they were probably like you know fucked up on something but like swimming into a mini cave and there's just a stranger there and you're like all right let's fuck well i could tell that they were i think they were i think they were like rolling or something because they were just kind of like being like kitschy. Like they were just like – he was like holding her and stuff.

And like they were clearly very free love like hippy-dippy. Like I could just tell. Like they were – and so I don't think they gave a fuck, drugs or not. But I certainly did. And I was having – I remember having an internal panic attack because I was like, if i leave they're gonna feel bad because then they'll feel embarrassed but if i stay then i'm a fucking psychopath like i'm the craziest motherfucker that's ever existed if i stay in here so you just you just stay right out of the cave and you start beating your shit off so they know you appreciate it yeah well no i go right to

the mouth and i turn towards oh like away from them and start jacking off underwater. No, I actually did something way more unhinged because I was on fucking mushrooms. Is that I would wade towards the mouth of the cave, second guess myself, and then go back to where I was standing. And I kept, like, I was like, oh, fuck, no, they think I'm weird. Like, oh, God, oh, fuck. No, no, I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay. It's not awkward.

But they never missed a fucking beat, dude. Like, I could still, like, hear them, like, you know, fucking making Oh, fuck. No, no, I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay. It's not awkward. But they never missed a fucking beat, dude. Like, I could still, like, hear them, like, you know, fucking making out or whatever. And it wasn't until one of the guys, one of my old friends from school, like, comes in there. And he sees how fucking, I guess, like, saw how wide-eyed I was. And he was like, man, how long have you been in here? And I was like, I don't know, like, three or four hours. He was like, no, dude, we were just fucking chugging beers over there. You know, I had, like, a time dilation thing where I was like, I long you been here and i was like i don't know like three or four hours he was like nah dude we were just fucking chugging beers over there you know i had like a time dilation thing where i was like i've been in hell with this like finger fucking like his the hispanic guy and hippie girl for like seven years he was like oh no man i was just like uh it's like 4 45

i was like no there's no i'd been in the dark cave yeah yeah it's like inception or whatever yeah yeah like i came out and uh and like you know i like i got out the sun hit me like i i shotgunned a beer like i got back with the guys we're bullshitting you know i kind of came back to life and like they come back out of the cave or whatever like i see them they like walk over to us and like you know she's still fucking like butt ass naked and uh you know like we actually ended up like hanging out i think like i just i don't know like there's again no real moral to this but like i had a moment of panic where i was like they're gonna come up to you they're gonna be like you're a little sex creep you're a little fucking creepy little you were watching us weren't

you you were yeah show us your penis show us your hard penis in your little ball your friends are pulling your trunk yeah yeah they show them show them that fuck you know show them the penis yeah yeah and uh and you know like but no they were like uh that's a beautiful day and i was like oh no you're just like uh you're just on mushrooms man and you're hanging out where hippies hang out like you're doing you're doing hippie shit at a notorious hippie hangout where people fucking pull their penises out, they fuck each other in the woods. Like, you know,

this is free love zone, and you're kind of like a self-obsessed, narcissistic, insecure weirdo. And so you're like, everybody thinks I'm fucking crazy. No one's thinking about you at all. That fat guy is thinking about that white dreadlock girl's ass cheeks

and going to smoke more weed. And she's thinking about whatever the fuck, you know, whatever the fuck. Nobody here gives a fuck about you at all. They just want to hang out. And, yeah, moral of the story is, you know, sometimes you drop mushrooms and, you know, you watch a guy finger fuck a girl for like a couple minutes. And you get weirded out and you have a fucking panic attack. You have ego death in a cave. They go third base in there?

I don't know. I'm assuming. I only assume because it was funny that he had his shorts on, but she was completely naked. I don't know if he was like, she was completely naked. Once you take your shorts off as a man, you lose. Yeah, that's true. You've got to leave them on the whole time.

I like the idea that he was like, he's with this very clearly, very free-spirited indigo child. He's like, no, the water shrinks my dick up, so I don't want people looking at that. I mean, I hope he's fucking doing good. It would have been so funny if you'd walked out of that cave naked without doing anything. If I walked out naked?. It would have been so funny if you'd walked out of that cave naked without, like, doing anything. If I walked out naked?

Or if he was? Love, you did. You go in, you smoke a cigarette or whatever, and then they come in and you come out naked, and then they come out like she's fully clothed for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got his trunks on. He's got dread. My favorite guys who hang out there, the slack rope guys,

and they're really fucking good. I don't know how you get good at something like that. They do, like, flips on it and shit. It looks fucking near impossible. Slack rope? So it's a long piece of stretchy rope that you walk on like a tight rope, but it's got slack in it. It's not tight.

And you bounce on it like a trampoline. People do front flips, land. They bounce across it. They do, like, fucking yoga on it and shit. It it like a trampoline people do front flips land they bounce across it they do like fucking yoga on it and shit it's like a whole ass like sport and it's really popular around like the hippie fucking community weed smoking guys do it here and uh those guys were sick because like you would have a there would be a guy doing like crane pose on one and he's got like a beer in one hand and a joint in the other and like while you're fighting for your life like in the like kind of like light rapids like drunk he'd be having a whole ass conversation with you like just he's like yeah man it's like bangles are

fucking the game up this year uh you know i don't watch much sports i moved into the van and he's like doing twirls and shit like not falling and like not looking at me or whatever. I'm like, how do you like? I know how people get good at football. You play football your whole life. People get good at karate. Like, how the fuck do you find a time to get good at fucking slack rope? Like, you must not having a job.

Yeah, I was literally about to say, like, literally, there's no way you like because no one gets into slack rope like as a kid. It's not like a youth. Nobody gets off at like 10 at night and they're like fuck i'm gonna go slack man i pulled a 14 hour shift today but you know what i'm gonna get out of this refinery i'm gonna go get me a stretchy piece of rope tie it to two rocks and do a backflip on it yeah there's no like no those little guys literally i was always like if it ever came to like i was i gotta be like what are you doing man like what are you like? You just play music. That's cool.

Like we do for a job. And I'm like, I like bartend and I go to school. I'm like, what about you, man? He's like, ah, I used to work, you know, like an insurance, but it made me want to kill myself. So I've been living out of my Corolla since like 1998, 99. And I'm like, aren't you like 29? And he's like, yeah, it's like all those guys, they have that like Asian quality where it's like, you're like, man, this guy's like a, you know, one of them, like a very sinewy,

skinny, old, like 40 year old guys. And he's like, man, you know know it's 28th birthday today it's like dude you have like it's just being out in the sun and like in the salt water and like hanging out in the water all day that just like turns these guys into fucking little critters little critters critter sounds like a slur to me it does uh that's okay it Hey, you know, there's something that people sometimes don't think about. And what they don't think about is that we have premium episodes on patreon.com slash pendejo time. That's right, we do. I'll tell you what we also have is another four minutes of this show.

Oh, fuck. I thought we were – I was – again, I misguessed it. No, no, man. You're way off. Anyway, I'll tell you what, man. You know what I love about Patreon? What's that? I'll spell it out for you.

P-A-T-R-E-O-N. You know what that spells? P to the A to the T to the R. Patreon. I like make money and I go real hard. What would Patreon be without patron? It would just be an E. That's not even a word.

That's all we are without you folks. We're just... I think... You're giving me tinnitus. People are going to really like that I did that. Let's get lost tonight. You could be my black Kate boss tonight. Play secretary. I'm the boss tonight.

And you don't give a fuck what they all say, right? On with the Chrissy Sits anymore. Damn, they don't make them like this anymore. Y'all ask, because I'm not sure. Does anybody make real shit anymore? Bow in the presence of greatness. I was doing a parody for mine. You were sending real lyrics.

Yeah, no, I like that song a lot. That's a great track. Does anybody suck real dick anymore? I wish I had a beep on here, man. I guess I just... I gotta figure that out. Let's get lost tonight. You could be my black cake... You could be my black cake boss tonight.

Black... You could be my black gay horse tonight. You could be my... Anyway... tonight. You could be my... Anyway... Anyway, I think we're really going somewhere with that one. We're really going... That's stronger, right? Do you ever wish that blood tasted different?

I kind of like the taste of blood. I'm not going to lie to you, man. I think it... Me too. That's why I wish it tasted different. not gonna lie to you man uh i think me too that's why i wish it tasted different uh this is a very good like date what speed date date one question you ever wish blood tasted different she's like um you got enough blood in your in your fingers and your toes you look like you don't you look like you have problems with circulation yeah you look like you have reynard syndrome you look a

little anemic, you know? Yeah, I used to, before I lost weight, I used to sit down on the toilet, and my feet would fall asleep immediately. Oh, yeah, no, dude. Like, 10, 15 seconds. When I was, like, 260 plus, I had to, like, tie to be very, and I was taking some mean shits then. Because past 240, if you're not a bodybuilder, if you're just fat,

past, like, 230, 240, you just take bad shits. Like, there's just really, and I don't care if you're not a bodybuilder, if you're just fat, past like 230, 240, you just take bad shits. Like there's just really – I don't care if you're – I don't think bodybuilders take any better shits. Very true. But I'm not – I'm not – you know, I'm not – Dude, protein powder? Oh, fuck it. Nasty.

Not good. But I guess what I'm saying is it's not – they're unhealthy're unhealthy too but i'm unhealthy in a different way anyway at least they look cool doing it yeah i would uh i would like sit down and like i would get like three or four seconds to tangle and then nothing i would have to like stand up slow when i when i was real fat when i was real big uh that's how your body's supposed to be yeah people people don't understand that uh you know dude uh so you think super fat people even know when they're shitting past a certain point you just sit down and you're like imagine like you're the whole bottom half your body goes numb after a while i was watching one of those big person person shows that my girlfriend got me on to.

And there was a lady in there who has puppy pads by her bed. And she just rolls out of bed and stands over him and just fucking. And just. Well, I was like. I was because at first the camera showed the angle of the room and I was like, oh, he's got a little dog. She was like, because at first the camera showed the angle of the room, and I was like, oh, he's got a little dog. She was like, these are my pads. Sometimes I can't make it to the bathroom in time,

so I have to go to the bathroom here. And I was like, oh, why are we filming this? Why am I watching it, first of all? I'm not innocent in this at all, this fucking consumption or whatever. You're a guilty little boy. I'm a guilty little boy, and you know what guilty little boys need, Thomas? We talked about this. Guilty little boys need to be thwacked on their little booty bones.

They need to be thwacked. They need to be spanked. They need to be given a nice little... They need their licks, these boys. They need their little licks on their little buttholes and their little butt cheeks. You were spanked on your butthole? Yeah, so, yeah, the school, my principal,

would make me spread my ass cheeks. I'm just imagining. All right. All right, boy, bend over and spread. I'm going to spank your asshole. All right, boy, I told you about running the garage a damn year and knock my saw over,

so go get the pedal, bend over the wagon, spread your little ass cheeks. Just going to the hospital every two weeks. Oh, yeah. Stole a cookie. Well, it's like, yeah. I mean, like, I guess you wouldn't have any external bruises, but that would be, you'd have some explaining to do. Dude, so our generation, both of ours, like, we just missed, we just missed, we just missed like punishment, like school.

My dad, I remember, was like. You never got paddled at school? No, I didn't. Did they do it at yours? Yeah, I got it in middle school. Oh, I never got it. But they had to call your parents. Oh.

My dad was a big old oak paddle. Yeah. The principal was like a former linebacker. He was like 6'5", 450. Would he lean into that motherfucker? He was aware of his power. Oh, okay. So he would like, I only got him once, but I think he knew that he was like. He could break so he would like i only got him once but i think he knew

that he was like he could break your tailbone if you wanted so he like actually went fairly light okay like i was like i was expecting to not be able to walk anymore because this man could have just killed me in one oh yeah yeah it would have been like like a war hammer and skyrim yeah and it's just straight down the middle but uh that's no i uh i walked out of that room you know tears in my eyes but dignity intact yeah dick harder than stone i damn near broke the chair i was bending over i remember my dad was like uh like that's like freshman year of high school i think and he was like uh like i was like smoking a lot of weed and like hanging out or whatever and he's like freshman year of high school, I think. And he was like... I was smoking a lot of weed and hanging out or whatever.

And he's like, man, you better be careful. Principal, you know, they'll beat the dog shit out of you. And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you'll catch the bat into one of them oak sticks, boy. One of them paddles or whatever. And I was like, no, they don't do that stuff no more. And he and he like got mad he was like because he was a shithead in high school too and he was and he was like i guess the guy who beat the fuck out of him with it was not as nice or whatever he was like you mean tell me they don't fucking bend you over a chair make you drop

your pants and they fucking smack your ass with a paddle you act up i'm like dude if anybody tried to do that shit to me, I would be throwing fucking hands. There's no fucking way nobody. He was like, hell no. Every fucking football coach would binge you over a fucking bleacher and spank your ass raw. And I'm like, 19?

How old? He was like, this is the late 80s. Was this at a schoolhouse? Laura Ingalls Wilder shit? No, he went to a really, really, really, really shitty high school in Southeastern that was bad, really, really bad. And he was like, there was like a, they had like an assistant principal that did it. And then like one of the football coaches that like his job was to train young men to throw balls

and then like spank teenage boys on the ass with like a rowing handle like that was he got paid fucking 40 grand a year to do that shit and uh he like we were talking about it and he was like i don't believe for a fucking say he's like there's got to be somebody at your school dealing out damage and i'm like i'm telling you oh fuck no i wasn't on my bare ass I will say it wasn't you know I didn't have to spread him or whatever he got bare which by the way like I was just as blown away

cause I was like yeah I was like did you go to school in like Amarillo by morning like was this you know like the courthouse or the schoolhouse or the same bullshit he was like no it was like a normal high school but you know it was just difference in

I love it when fucking we this has been a very spank heavy week for us when you'll see like oh hasn't it oh hasn't it you'll see like

people on social media you know like any any channel they'll be like I was spanked and beaten as a kid, and I'm fine. Their profile picture.

And look at me now. I work for AT&T. Yeah, yeah. Their profile picture is them on the back of a truck. Yeah. All of their pictures of their girlfriends, it's only half of her face showing, and she's like. Yeah. showing and she's like yeah yeah they just look like a fucking pit bull that yeah yeah gets an arrow shot at it every two two hours yeah dude all of them they're like they write these manic

screeds on facebook it's like this new generation they never had their fucking fate they never got waterboard beat fucking senseless by an old man. Ain't nothing but hate in his heart. Nothing but fucking rage, and I'm fine. I'm fucking fine. I got fucking two bench warrants for physical assault. Ain't nothing my fucking fault, motherfucker. Like, every one of these is so fucking intense, and it's like all the comments are like, yeah, I hear you, Big Scotty.

I'll beat the dog shit out of my girls. And it's like, I'm like, you know, like, first of all, the tone of this message clearly indicates that you are not fine. Like, you are not doing good. All your pictures, yeah, that are just like, you know, like, monster truck rallies, you know, fucking, you know, the bathroom, a blurry picture of Buffalo Wild Wings of, like, the toe into your boot

like you're not second of all i don't know you know i don't know what the data is but i would hedge my bet and say that you know it's probably not good to do that uh to beat the fucking dog like the it's the same thing uh i remember when andrew yang was running and he was like yeah we need to limit like access to to pornography to like younger people and there were like a lot of free speech guys i would see a couple takes some of them on twitter they were a little bit more unhinged but some people tried to take it like a smarter way and they were like i had access to pornography you know when i was eight or nine years old. And I have a completely normal relationship with my wife, you know, and their wife is, like, 13 years younger.

Like, they've had, like, three of them or whatever, you know. It's just, you know, there's definitely. I do think it's weird as a grown man to defend, like, to have a... I get having a hard stance on banning pornography. I don't get having a hard stance on, like, no, dude, like, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if you want to get rid of this shit, it rocks.

Over my dead body. I can watch naked girls. Getting fucking naked. It's like, dude, if you were, like, 15 years old saying that, like, okay. Fine, yeah. But you're, like, 35, man. Right, dude, if you were like 15 years old saying that, like, okay. But you're like 35, man. Right, right, right. And you're like, no, dude, Pornhub rocks.

Yeah. It's like, why are you saying this in public? Why are you sliding so hard for Pornhub, you know? No, there is something like, I remember when he tweeted about it, Andrew. What reminded me was the threat, the replies. Guys who have like Scarlett Johansson in the black widow suit as their profile picture, and it's like pornography is a legitimate business, and it is the forefront of freedom of speech laws in this country and in Austria and in Germany.

And it's like, you know, in fact, we have too many regulations because you have to be, you know, 18 to feel important. It's like, hey, man, you've clearly never fought for something so hard in your fucking life. These are guys who wish they got drafted and killed when they were 19. Yeah. They never did, so they have to jack off to marvel movies for the next foreseeable future yeah there's like there's this like here's the thing man you know i'm not saying that like obviously i don't think jack i'm not like maybe i'm a little bit puritan for my church days i don't think jacking off is necessarily a shameful activity but if you have that strong of a conviction about like what is essentially pay-per-view sex trafficking, you should be ashamed.

You should not be broadcasting it to the fucking world. You're like, yeah, dude, I was watching parking lot gangbangs, fourth grade, and I'm fucking fine. I'm normal. By the way, I make drawings of Eva Braun with a big fat ass, and she's got bunny ears. I make drawings of Nancy Pelosi with size G tits and she's got a shark's tail. You know, like it's... Oh, okay.

Another note I will add. If you've ever had a drawing commissioned that was like... You know? When people have like sexual characters professionally drawn... Oh, yeah. i do think that you

should at least be held in the town stocks or whatever we need to bring those back and people need to throw like tomatoes and shit at your head for like a couple weeks i'm not saying we kill them by default because maybe there's a range of maybe this is something i don't understand right i would like to like hit you hit you with a cat and nine tails a few times. Somebody in a chat a while back, maybe it was a phone, I don't remember. I had Lolly explain to me.

Do you know what that is? Is that like the... It's child porn, but drawings. It's not illegal because it's drawn. Literally, it's how they skirt these laws. So I had to have it explained to me because it's drawn like literally that's it's how they skirt these laws so though so i had to have it explained to me because there's a whole i thought i thought that was like uh i didn't i get i didn't entirely realize what that was but no lowly it's uh the lolita like it's

like it's that's what anyway well it's not good and yeah and so anyway i i would like to say right out of the gate without knowing anything about this this is a uh all right well i know i've probably said some things about the death penalty i think uh it's it's back but i get to decide yeah i don't want the state to execute anybody but i would like a guy with like a big tall guy with a big axe to cut these people's fucking head i don't believe in lethal injection but i think there should be a chopping block with a big tall guy with a big axe. To cut these people's fucking heads. I don't believe in lethal injection, but I think there should be a chopping block. For sure. Like some gay-ass guillotine.

I want a guy who could have been in the NFL, but his ACL blew out. Marshawn Lynch to do it. Dude, he would be the best executioner in the fucking place. Dude, he would fucking kill you. Hey, put your neck on the damn stump, cuz. Ain't no funny business. Ain't no funny business, playboy.

No, so I was like, I forget the starting point of the conversation. We were talking about internet subcultures or whatever. And I was talking about the old Rance forums. These weird conspiracy David Icke guys. Anyway, the conversation took a turn and they were like yeah there's these entire subcultures that the way that they skirt child pornography laws is that they draw it but a lot of these guys are like very talented like insofar as they do hyper realism i'm not saying they're talented is that they appreciate their art but they're like

uh they're they're they're uh there's a certain type of drawing where it's hyper real it's it you know and i was like wait hold on like it's legal and they're like yeah so because they're like artistic expert like it technically falls under like but the the the drawings are not of younger looking teenage they are of you know children or whatever and i was like no like there's just no way and i i really wish i had the power to just like punch through a chest cavity yeah no that's like that's my here's the thing if you're gonna be a pedophile dude go go whole like don't oh don't say that that's not your tale to die on. No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. It was a joke. But I'm saying, like, sorry. But what I'm saying is that, like, it seems, why are you trying to legitimize it by making it a cartoon? Isn't that Noah Berlatsky guy trying, like, you know what I'm talking about? He's the communications director for a company that does rehabilitation for like serial pedophiles yeah but have you seen how they do it they don't they do like uh like simulate it they do like like they give them like sex dolls yeah they do uh what's that it's like um confrontation therapy

where they give them like a child doll and it's like you can't fuck that but if you want to once a month or you know like that yeah no yeah that ought to work no i uh i saw somebody posted was like it just showed like without comment just the picture like pictures of the people in that organization and they're all guys who had like a receding hairline but it just like they had a patch of hair next to their ear and nothing else. Or the kind of hair. It's not how hairlines work unless God has cursed you and your bloodline for eternity. You do so much fucking sex crime that you like it's like a friar's hat.

Yeah, you turn into like a wax figure. Yeah. I think. Well, what's funny is people were like calling, calling Nat about that dude a long time ago, and he, like, blocked people. And it wasn't until— Hold on. Jake is drinking a huge glass of orange juice.

Sorry. I think somebody's popping rounds off. Hey, man, we got more important things going right we do uh if somebody ever looks like a pedophile kill them they usually are right right right like not even joking almost every like you don't see pictures of pedophiles who don't look like pedophiles they're uh with some exceptions maybe but like you'll see the mugshot and you're like well i could have called that from a fucking mile away yeah that makes sense yeah and that's why that berlatsky guy and like dude if you go to the so somebody had linked the uh like the staff page on the company website and it wasn't just

berlatsky it was like from like the creative director down to like payroll like they had all of the team members on there every single one of them looked like they sold kids they just it was like a not it i understand wanting to take a different approach and try to solve the issue of like sexual deviancy where it's like they do have um these like um they're prison slash rehabilitation centers where they take i'm not against the seeking therapy or whatever but when you make your own organization it's like it's that traffic stalls yeah we're gonna give you guys sex dolls. Don't even worry about it. It's like. Well, so if you read there.

So in the big thread, when that dude, like, I think got like booted off Twitter for a bit. Somebody posted their mission statement and the whole thing was harm reduction. It's like, hey, well, you know, they're doing this. They're not fucking kids. And I was like, that's the same thing to me as the lolly thing where it's like, I mean, it's not real pictures. It's just cartoons. I don't know why. I think they're entertaining that thought, though. Yeah, right.

Like, you need, like, what you need to be given. Don't fuck around. Yeah. Like, I'm not interested in hearing that shit, you know. Yeah, yeah. No, don't worry. They're not quite doing it. It's like, I'm going to rip your eyeballs out of your fucking skull.

Yeah, like, imagine you're like, you know, you know, you go to meet a friend of a friend, and you didn't really want to go out, and you guys are all fucking hanging out at the bar, and you start making small talks because you don't really know these people, and you're like, oh, Eric, what do you do for work, man? And he's like, oh, I run a tax office. It's like, oh, that's cool. It's pretty busy this time of year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about you, Noah? Oh, I'm a communications director's like, oh, that's cool. It's pretty busy this time of year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about you, Noah? Oh, I'm a communications director. Oh, man, that's pretty cool. Sounds like a high-paying gig for like an ad firm. No, no, no, no, no. It's something like we do like advocacy. Oh, that's awesome, man. You're in like philanthropy.

Yeah, kind of, you know. Oh, who do you philanthropize for? Oh, just men, just know. Oh, who do you philanthropize for? Just men, just guys. Just vulnerable people. Just vulnerable men that if this life's been unkind to them. Oh, so like impoverished people? No, some of our clients are rather wealthy.

Oh, so PTSD, overworked? No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. Well, you know, it's just like well what you know who for uh guys that traffic and peddle and child porn that is kind of my that is like kind of the group you know that i work with like he can't talk about that stuff well maybe he does i mean he clearly does yeah he doesn't seem like a guy that people go out of their way to talk to right yeah good point he's not a guy that's going to happy hour. He's a guy who makes money from the people who he consorts with.

Right. And other people are probably, you know, it's like, damn, Noah couldn't make it to the cookout. I really wanted to hear about his fucking, you know, his P90X for pedophiles or whatever, you know. His P90X for pedophiles or whatever. I remember about the doll thing that there's a company that makes them, and they're overseas. I guess everything's made in Taiwan now. Bring it back to America.

That's my hill to die on. I think that those dolls should be made in America, yeah. We need to bring back jobs. By union hands. By union. It's a very like a hack bit to be like, you know, there are people who work at the dildo factory. It's like old. It's not a profound like people who make in Molkocks. But to be a guy, because if it's overseas, it's probably overseas for legal reasons somewhere.

I forget the country. Second of all, it's probably for tax reasons, too. Imagine doing wage slavery not to make Nikes, not to make fucking Reeboks or Hermes bags. But you've got a bunch of 17-year-old Vietnamese kids printing out arms. You work your way up to the pussy level yeah i've still been there like 10 years yeah they're like i don't even want to think about it dude i don't even want it's just like when i because i thought these were like made to order things but that somebody um in a like another group like has this obsession with noah and like was like got blocked and like would make new accounts and would harass him he's like

no they work with a company out of some like old eastern block nation that they crank these motherfuckers out in a factory and i was like no i thought these were like all right we're gonna we'll get it for you you know i was naive i was like you know we'll make we make one every 10 years like yeah it's like a it's like one of the swords from like kill bill it's like a lamborghini huracan there's like 2 000 of them like worldwide or whatever um yeah the torianzo story yeah no um no they have like a factory where they cranked them out you know and i was like oh like and and of course if it's a factory you have to think they probably have like what do you want her to have brown eyes it's just like ah yeah that's not you know and i can't the nike id you

know it's like imagine some romanian like hardened romanian guy like oh hard day at work and you know his wife's like oh baby what baby, what do you know? Do you have to work overtime, boss? You know, up your ass or whatever. And he's like, we had to make so many little Taiwanese boys. So many little molded little boys. And there's big shipment heading for New York City, L.A. I've never made so many molds of boys' eyeballs and mouth holes.

And it's like, I know, like like we're doing this to make fun of the thing but there are people that work in that factory and there's no fucking way that they don't come home and be like i boy i made 30 butt cheeks that i had to put little overalls on them way gosh gosh big gosh things of this nature you You know, it's like, ah, man, like, you know, everybody's gotta make a buck. But, like, come to fuck. Everybody's gotta make those bucks. Yeah.

It's like, how do you... I was kind of embarrassed to tell the... I should've worked for Coca-Cola. I should've worked at Coal Mine. Much better situation. I should've become child soldier you got to think like i was kind of embarrassed to tell the fucking sba accountant at uh at the bank about the boss hog entertainment like even if you're working in this

factory out of a tax haven or one of these old easter block countries and you're not paying any taxes there's a fucking paper trail somewhere and somebody who runs your money from your fucking child doll factory is like, yeah, so we're, I was looking at the books for a kitty doll company and, you know, it's not,

we're seeing some, some of the frequencies, some of the little numbers aren't adding up here, playboy. Anyway, I think that was, thanks for joining us.

Yeah, thanks. We've got, yeah, I said it earlier. It's been a real bright thanks for joining us. Yeah. Thanks. Um, we've got, yeah, I said it earlier, bright and cheery episode. Yeah. You know, if you're listening,

I guess you can go, uh, ask Noah Berlatsky about his doings. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, tell him the old Thomas and shit. I think he's got me blocked,

but I think he's got me blocked too. Uh, yeah. Check out the Patreon slash, uh, Pandeo time for premium episodes. We've got a couple shows coming up with Chapo Trap House. Make sure you go check out tickets on their website.

They've got a whole southern tour planned. Austin's sold out, but I believe they've still got tickets for Dallas and Houston, if you guys are in the area. I think they've got some other ones coming up outside of our little area. But, yeah, check those tickets out if you're in the south. They've got a whole southern tour going on. then come see us in houston i think no dallas the 18th in houston the 22nd uh and austin is uh austin's the 6th the 16th uh at a lookout lounge east the houston show is at white oak and the dallas show is at echo music lounge

uh all right man yeah have a good one bye see you