Pendejo Time - spitting game seminar

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

step 1: erogenous zonesstep 2: spend that cash step 3: clean your apartment step 4: bi polar IISupport the Show.

yeah i discovered uh the wonders of royalty free trip hop and like royalty free indie riffs when uh when otis got a little tummy ache and i had to figure out a way to kill like 15 minutes so i was googling like alchemist type beats but free and then uh cat charity type mf doom instrumentals mf doom cat rhino cat cat aids type beat i was listening to mf doom instrumentals in the car today and not freestyling over them they're kind of nice to just drive to yeah you know it's it's i feel like it's a more accurate soundtrack for my life than listening to the Shaft theme song or something. It's just sort of like...

Well, I think it's like... That's what they all sound like. You see somebody and you can tell... That's MF Doom's shit. I was going to say, you see somebody and you can kind of tell what theme music is playing in their head you know like i hang out with guys and i'm like i know it's just like beat down death metal all day but it's like you definitely seem like a guy that's in his head is like like it's like somewhere between like Steely Dan, casual riff,

and then MF Doom, jazz. You're not thinking about anything. There's just no conceptual... Not a lot going on up here. It's either a Steely Dan type riff or the beat to all caps or something. You know. You're just at the store you know nothing going on up there i didn't post my uh my top songs last year because one of them

was just an alchemist beat it was just like the instrumental to an action bronson song and i was like i know i'm not i know i i had to admit to myself oh, I guess I do this normally because I think it's cool. Because I'm not willing to pose this because it's so stupid. It was like one NBA Youngboy song and then like a bunch of ZZ Top and then like Jerry Reid and like a rap instrumental. Like, this just sucks. I think mine was like, it was like Childers, Freddie, Gucci Mane, and then like Steely Dan. I was like, I'm just like a, it was like Childers, Freddie, Gucci Mane, and then like Steely Dan.

I was like, I'm just like a white guy from like, dude, I love showing people like the times that I've showed people like old school, like not zero's great, but I'm talking like, bitch, I can't die. I'm going to like Houston. Yeah. Where they like record it from like a few rooms over yes like people have like and and and I understand I love it I really actually think it's good but I've showed people they're like what is this is this like your friend or something and I'm like no this is probably you know this is this guy Travis Scott, wouldn't exist without him. Yeah.

And then you listen to it, and it's like a different guy is rapping, and they just kind of quieted it down some, and then there's another guy going... Yeah, because his heart rate's like 2 BP. Yeah. Mountain Boulevard, swang too hard. Got a big bitch in a swang in my car. I don't agree to grain.

Super can't paint. And I'm in pain because my heart can't grain. Normally. Yeah, it's. And anytime, like, at the house, people would, like, I had a friend. He's still. I don't know why I said had. He's very much still my friend and not dead.

But he would get really, really, really fucked up. And he would be like, put a big mo or like a pimp seat bead on. I'd be like, okay. And he's like, I'm going to hit this. And he would hit the key ingredients. Boulevard. Coming through hard. And then he would just kind of like nod off.

Like into the couch. You can't even make fun of that because that's what they did also. Exactly. That's what I was about to say. But sometimes there would be like a fucking 25, like a 25 minute like freestyle. Yeah. You could hear them rustling around in the room like,

all right, here we go. And then it's like. Here's some guy like struggling to light a blunt. Yeah. This one coming down Cause it's got down So I beat him up And I treat him like a clown Oh yeah

Beat the pussy up Now I'm feeling kinda down Come on Dude And uh He be like Alright Jake you go And I'm like man

I don't You know I'm just not built like that He's like You know all these words You know You can do it I be like you can do it i'd be like all right he'd play and i'd be like boulevard i just did the same thing and then like pills would hit and

i'm like i'm like it had my head i was like this what's happening now add like you know obviously talent and dedication but basically we've got a lot of the raw ingredients of like those early like like tapes you got a lot you got opiates and you've got like no direction in your life yeah the best some of the best times i ever had were like being like 16 and smoking like dirt weed and then like yeah my friends would put on Some instrumentals And it would just be like YouTube freestyle instrumental Like not like It would just be

Like algorithmically Like what can White boys rap over A little bit Like one in every Friend group And it would be like It'd be like

This is like a J. Cole type Um Like a soulful instrumental And like Um I just took a dab But like i'm gonna go over this and then he'd be like i'm working on my essence i'm learning lots of lessons and i feel like

i feel give me a break okay i feel like it's christmas uh let me try that again i feel like it's Christmas. Let me try that again. I feel like it's Christmas because there's presents. And I got presents. Trying to, like, do the, dude, that is, you just kind of unlocked, like, a deep memory of, like, trying to do lyrical flowing, but you're so fucked up. You get, like, the first bar that you can think of while the beat gets going is, like, kind, it's not even good. It just rhymes it's like you know yeah like you know love cash and chicks you know bitch snapping necks and you're and then like the beat keeps going you're like hold on a second because before you go in you might have like two to four bars planned max and you might maybe maybe it's something you practice for a while and you get

those in and maybe your one friend is like oh damn and then you're like peanut butter on a stick and it's on a stick and you know i'm riding on my best friend's dick and then i'm like come on man i was come on dude it's off the dome it was was always funny. We used to do that at work. Because there were a couple of guys who, God bless them, but they would get pissed off if you just said gay shit when you went up there. Yeah, of course. We've talked about that. My buddy Justin, he'd be like, you know, bitch, I'm gripping grain, and I'm in my lane.

It's like, oh, yeah, my best friend's here, and I'm gripping grain in my lane. It's like, Oh yeah, my best friend's here and I'm giving him some brain. Come on, man. Good time. We, uh, we would,

we had this like out, dude, we found a bunch of shitty couches like on the side of the road. And, uh, this is a, that fucking shitty trap house I lived in for a year and fucking, and We just threw them outside and they got rained on. They had mold on them. Rats

lived under them. We would just sleep out there. It was so much fun to get all of us out there on a shitty Bluetooth speaker. I had two friends who could Again, I need to stress this. No one could rap. Everyone was dog shit,

but two people were like, just kind of shitty at it. But when you're like with a bunch of white dudes and then like a bunch of like Mexican guys and no one can really like make it happen. But like the one Mexican guy and like the one, a white dude who, who like grew up like outside Bel Air. So,

you know, they have like three good bars and you're there, and you're drunk, and you're like, bro, you pull your friend aside, and you're like, dude, you need to really put some time into this. There has to be one guy there who is going to have a career for some reason. And there's like 40 million of those guys. Yeah, no. It's like probably 5% of the male population at some point now is like,

I think I can make it happen for like six months when you're in high school. I told you this, I think, when we first started doing the show. I have every now and then. Oh, dude, me too. I mean. I'll have this where I'm like, bro, you're pretty good at the song parodies. You can come up with them on the spot like you should try to be a rapper and then i'm like what the fuck are you talking about you see like young gravy doing it and those

guys it's like well you know but that like the thing about gravy is that kind of like monotone like white boy voice rap is like not new it's he's just like the new iteration of like he's also he's like a frat guy yeah so it's like he has that going stick yeah and then like little dick he was like oh i'm i'm like a little jewish guy isn't that who's lyrical and then he like made a show then he made a show about how fucked up his penis is well he i like dicky because he would he made a career out of doing that thing we were talking about where like you get like four good bars in and then you're like and then i take it in the butt and i eat my own like it would like do he would like he he could rap fast for you know and for for a good while that was like like the way that you were the best at it

is you could go fast. Yeah, after like... Like Busta Rhymes used to be, like he used to have so many different flows and he got on that Chris Brown song and he went fast and people were like, that's your thing now.

You're the guy who raps fast. And you're like, okay, whatever. Yeah, it was like one of my roommates at the time shout out to jay he uh his buddy who was a friend of ours who's a dj now a pretty successful one in austin uh he left his like pad on the at the at the house and uh it was one of those things where he's like hey can one of you guys drop that off? And we were like, yeah. And we were, didn't steal it. We just were never sober enough to drive for like the whole year that we lived there.

So we just kind of had it for like eight or nine months. And, uh, similar to like the, Oh man, bro, you got it. Like rat, like I was pretty good at like, not pretty good. I could make beats on a beat machine that was programmed with noises, which is not very hard. And we would be all fucked up and Jay would turn and be like, dude, you got to put some time into this because I feel like... It's like we're all just eating opiates all day and you're sitting there and you're watching roaches crawl across and you have this idea in your head

where you're like, this is my beginning're watching like roaches crawl across and you have this idea in your head where you're like this is this is my beginning arc you know like to my life this is how they all start yeah this is having an okay childhood and then and then just sort of everything goes downhill because of my decisions and then that's where i pick myself up out of my self-created gutter. Basically, you know, everything was just kind of sort of bad. And then I kind of romanticized eating pills all day. And then it kind of became an addiction. And basically, I'm Rick Rubin. Like that kind of, if you ever, if you Google Rickick rubin that's basically his origin story you know so yeah you think jay-z would be who he is now if he wasn't you know selling smoking resin

all through the 80s that's what he was known for he would watch he would watch movies and he would smoke weed yeah that's what made him a creative genius he He lived a crazy life of snorting tramadol and playing Rocket League. Right, yeah. And, you know, like a lot of rappers and a lot of really good producers, they just kind of come up, you know, like doing drugs that you give to people who don't have long left to live and then playing Mario Kart. Like that's just kind of, you know. So basically we're living the same life.

Right. that's just kind of you know so basically we're living the same life right one of them um dude it's been like a fiasco actually speaking of in the in the roommate chat we're all still like in the same chat it's been forever and um so uh my buddy i've talked about him on here before uh he uh he's the guy who called a lot of sweet little candies, that gentleman. So he came to Austin for ACL last weekend, him and his boyfriend. They did a bunch of X and rolled really hard for like three days. And then, you know, they flew back to Dallas and he's texting us and he's like, oh, my God, guys, I had to call into work. You know, I did too much ecstasy i feel really bad and they're like yeah man that don't happen and he's got a lot of money so he and then he just

continues on he's like i had a a mobile iv unit come to my house and we were like what he's like yeah you know like if you're feeling really bad they can bring you like zinc and like you know saline solution and they can bring you like uh you know stuff to help with the anxiety and like help boost your serotonin and i was like who's they and what does can mean like you live in a different world than the rest of the chat by the way like you have more money than god and he was like yeah you know i mean it's expensive but it's worth it you guys should all look into it and again we're like yeah man we'll bookmark that one and then he the next day today actually he was like god i'm just still feeling really bad.

So I called him to work for the rest of the week. And I went and he like faked a cough and the doctor just gave him a bottle of lean like a bottle of codeine. Like he wasn't sick or he said he felt sick from the party, but he like didn't have like a cough thing. So he was like, I'm going to stay home the rest of the week and watch Lord of the Rings and and drink lean. He's like, i'm gonna stay home the rest of the week and watch lord of the rings and and drink lean he's like i deserve it like he's like i feel really really bad like you know i i just i've been working so hard lately and then so i just kind of deserve to unwind after last weekend because i really just put my body through it we were all like are you recovering from drug abuse by abusing a different drug and then like watching cartoons. And he's like,

yeah. And I was like, dude, I can't even be mad at the guy. Cause it's like, if I had that type of resources and that type of job that was like, yeah, we'll pay you a bunch of money and you don't really have to come in really.

If you don't want to, uh, I would probably, you know, do the same thing. I don't do drugs anymore, but assuming that I did in this hypothetical, I was just like, God damn, dude.

So you call in Monday, Tuesday, and you're like, I got to get the IV. And then Wednesday, you're like, you know what will top this off? Lean and Lord of the Rings cartoons. Dude, what if Gandalf, instead of smoking a pipe, Dude, what if Gandalf, instead of smoking a pipe, he sipped a big cup of, well, you guessed it. That purple stuff. Yeah, codeine. I'm sure you've heard the Yachty song.

Oh, most definitely. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Dude, that shit. Love it. I'm so glad. I'm loving his arc where he's just like, I'm just kidding. Yeah, yes. He got the commercials for a few years, and now he's like, I got so much money.

By the way, I will steal your car. I will. I mean, I have guns, and I've been doing drugs this whole time. and I've been doing drugs this whole time. I remember seeing him do, like, I remember seeing an ad with Lil Yachty a couple years ago for, like, an anti-vaping campaign, and I was like, wasn't he caught with, like, 20 credit cards?

Yeah. And he, like, like, was facing several years, like, a federal charge, but he wasn't even, like, vaping that whole time. You know, it's just like, you know, not to stereotype, but you need something to take the edge off if you're scamming. Yeah.

Hell, I mean, I'd be addicted to something serious if I was fucking stealing credit card information, you know. I mean, it's funny to like be a headliner act. I wouldn't call him an A-lister in terms of like celebrities in totality. But he's a huge name.

And then like, I get Baby Tron. Like, I get those guys. But like, it seems like something you don't have to do. Like, you don't have to do that if you i don't think he i don't think he's done it since he was like 19 or so oh i forget he's super young yeah yeah i mean but like well like right before he like blew up or whatever because do you remember that song minnesota uh-huh uh i think so yeah it gets It gets cold like Minnesota. Minnesota, yeah. He gives, like, a shout-out to his lawyer, Pat, or whatever,

and he, like, explains how much he paid for the lawyer and stuff and what it got him off of and all that. I love when rappers do that. He paid $4,000 and, like, got out of, like, five years in prison. I love when rappers do that, and i've talked about this all the time and people have like said to me online like you are obsessed with this specific verse or whatever but uh that uh maxo cream line and fetty when he's like my price is inflated my plug name is david like you're complaining that you, drug prices are going up.

And so you have to raise your prices. And then you give the first legal name of the guy who sells you, like, God knows what. It's just very funny. Like, because obviously, like, Shmurda and they've used Gucci's lyrics. But those are like, I killed this guy with this gun on this day. His body is here. But the ones that are like my lawyer got me off cost me four grand his name was tom like that shit like it's yeah it's like not necessarily

incriminating but it's like you probably like don't need to be you know yeah i like maxo cream just talking about everything that's happened in his life and not like maybe he's embellishing some of it but it's like so just gruesome that you're like why would you for some like this isn't even cool he's like i was nine years old ump got killed by a tiger i'm like oh i think i believe him you know he's like he'll be like you shot him in the head and there was blood on my hands. And my neighbor called a people. Pulled a 12-gauge on foe from the people. I was four years old. I was killing different women.

I'm like, damn. I'm sorry. I don't like Chinese people. I've chokeslammed so many Chinese. You're like, okay. I see where you're getting at, Max. That sounds good. Do you remember the, I forget the um i think this was a

couple years ago young thug had a line in a song where he said i had to kick a door when i was five yeah i love the i love that line in old english uh uh please be very still, I ain't gonna hurt anybody. Which is like... It's just like... That is something that a bank robber says, and it put a mental image in my mind of Thugger trying to rob a bank in his little outfits. Like, he's wearing a maid's dress, and he's got a Dolly Parton wig on and an AK, and he's like, hey.

I would love to see a YSL version of Ocean's Eleven. That would be sick. They're just airing it out for two and a half hours. Yeah, yeah. They've got that 42 Doug guy in the box, like they have the Japanese man. Yeah, because he's the only one small enough to fit in there. only one small enough to fit in there it i uh everybody's like you know oh bobby's not releasing music or whatever and it's like dude i don't i wonder how because gucci when gucci was away he came back and was rich because not only was he releasing music from jail he wasn't spending much

money because he's in fucking prison yeah but he also he didn't have a federal racketeering or not it wasn't racketeering but he had a uh bobby schmurder had like a federal charge right i mean i thought i want to say for gucci it was like uh it was like a violation of parole and some other stuff i think it was like gun possession too though maybe maybe i thought it was just attempted murder like no i think it was it was like gun possession too, though. Maybe, maybe. I thought it was just attempted murder. No, I think it was like conspiracy to do something. Like they got him on WeCo or some shit? No, I don't think it was racketeering. It could have been.

Hell, I'm not fucking. Anyway, who's the one? We're not a news source. We just make shit up most of the time. Yeah. Yeah, did you hear who Bobby Shmurda is dating? Chelsea Clinton. Pete Davidson.

He's getting that long white dick. He's getting that big bipolar disorder penis. The way Pete Davidson is swinging his thing around, you'd think he had a huge python in his pants. You'd think a guy like Pete Davidson would have a big old thong-a- huge python in his pants you'd think that he you'd think a guy like pete davidson would have a big old thongaroonie in his fucking yeah you'd think he'd have a thick irresistible cock by the way he's fucking everyone in hollywood that moment in pop culture was so funny because it would be like because obviously brands start to like pick up on shit because

that's just what they do like fucking social media accounts for like i don't know patagonia or whatever and they're like get get yourself some big d energy this winter with our patagonia mountain joggers and it's like what the fuck are you doing like what are we doing like this is a fucking like a like a scummy fucking long island retard who you know probably he might have a big old pecker who knows but yeah i don't want mastercard to be like it tastes good too by the way all these girls are all in this jock it's like when the fucking when it's when mastercard is like slide through in the dms with that big d with our fucking ap our two percent apr airline credit good you're like come the fuck i understand wanting to stay hip to sell credit cards or whatever the fuck it is

you're selling but specifically that moment i was so tired of it i got tired of it when fucking like the dominoes twitter was like the d stands for dominoes and we got big dominoes energy and it's like i want to kill everybody involved in this fucking thing. Like, I want everyone involved in this. Norm MacDonald style. Everyone involved in this should die. I just wrote a new ad for T-Mobile. And it's got Lizzo.

She's eating a big old... The slogan is, keep your big, fat, black bitch ass covered. She helped me write it. That's how she wanted me to word it. Yeah, I thought, that sounds a little choppy. It sounds a little harsh, but if she helped you write it, man. Yeah, I said,

how about T-Mobile keeps you dancing? She said, no. She said, no, T-Mobile keeps your big, fat, black, bitch-ass dancing. And I said, I don't know if we can put that on TV. She said, you can quote me. And I said, I'm just not sure. Lizzo. Lizzo, I don't know if that's a good idea.

We could get in trouble for that. Lizzo, you won't know if that's a good idea. We could get in trouble for that. Lizzo, you won't get in trouble, but me, a lowly white man. I really can't be saying that. I can't. You can. Lizzo, if I write this script and you say it, now you should say it. I mean, if you say it's okay, Ms. Lizzo. If you say it.

I really don't know. I mean. Hell, I even. I mean... Hell, I even... I mean... Shit, I've got to zoom in. They're in a writer's room with a bunch of, like, fucking open micers from, like, LA,

like, woke open micers. And they're like, so we got Lizzo on the T-Mobile ad, and everybody's like, oh, my God, that's perfect. Oh, I love her so much. And they're like, you know, throw it back on savings with the 5G coverage plan. It's like, oh, that's pretty good.

What about you, Mia? How about, you know, twerk out for T-Mobile's nationwide coverage. That's a mouthful. Thomas, what do you got? Nationwide coverage for Big Black. You're immediately arrested. Let's see. We got ourselves a nice Doritos commercial.

Oh, these are always funny, especially on the Super Bowl. Let's see. Oh, we got Lizzo. Awesome. This is going to be a good one. We can already tell because she's so funny. always funny especially on the super bowl let's see oh we got lizzo awesome that's this is gonna be a good one we can already tell because she's so funny i love her with the flute and all that shit i wonder what they're gonna say okay she's just dancing for now the whole you can tell it's gonna be a big deal the whole stage is shaking wow wow oh the slogan is coming up. Jesus Christ. It says, get your big, fat, black, bitch-ass some Doritos. Who wrote that?

Oh, it says Lizzo. This is quoted by Lizzo. Yeah, apparently Lizzo's... What she says goes, you know. I'm not one to argue with her. Get your big, fat, stinky, bitch- bitch ass some doritos why would she say that that doesn't make me want to eat doritos it it's always like when when like a commercial

when i okay i was talking to my mom, and my mom was like, do you know they made Jake from State Farm black? And I was like, doesn't matter. It's not a real guy. And she was like, I mean, I guess it don't, but, you know. They changed him. And I was like, mm-hmm. And there's always this moment of tension between me and, like, you know,

sometimes her, because my mom is and like, you know, sometimes her. Because my mom is like not overtly racist, like she's not a race. She's just like a middle aged woman from the South who grew up really religious. Like my mom is a sweet person. She just says shit sometimes. I'm like, all right. OK. You know, I'll tell you what would bother white people even more is getting a white all state guy.

Oh, the the black guy with the sultry deep voice. It's like, yeah, all state. I'll tell you what would bother white people even more is getting a white Allstate guy. Oh, the black guy with the sultry, deep voice? It's like, Allstate. But if you made him like a... Allstate. Like a soy, like... Yeah. What about Allstate? Watching white people lose their mind.

Yeah. We liked him. We liked him. I swear, I liked him. He looked trustworthy. He looked like maybe if I were to be in an accident, I wouldn't want nobody else to help me out. I figured I trust that voice.

How about farmers? We are black guys. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. That would throw people off. People are like, you're just like watching like fucking a Lost or something, a rerun on Hulu. You're not even paying. You've already seen Lost. You're on your phone.

You're like, you know it's a farmer's commercial. Everything else is happening. You're like, oh, on TikTok or whatever. And you're like, oh, that's funny. We are black guys. It's still J.K. Simmons for some reason. It's like there's nothing else this is one of those uh mandela effect type things you know what's the mayhem guy from the uh

from those commercials the guy that would like fall through roofs yeah he's just at january 6th he's like you're definitely gonna need insurance for this one like it just like with a fucking like QAnon mask, like smashing through the fucking top of the white house and shit. Yeah. I love it when people off. I understand the motivation. Brands want to sell people at large something.

And if culture shifts in such a way, you know, I like, I, you hear a lot of like stupid fucking right-wing morons they're like well if all the big companies are supporting your ideology what does that say about your ideology and it's like that's not you're literally an idiot that's not how it works if culture swings rightward in 10 to 15 years which i think that it might mastercard will go back to being like if you're a black guy i can't get a credit card sorry

like they'll literally they have no allegiance to any ideology they're just cracker barrel like had they were like segregated till like 15 years ago yeah they they in the 90s they literally banned gay employees yeah did i tell you about that well i i remember reading about it because there was one. I read about it somewhat recently, but I remember reading that they had allowed homosexual men and women. And then they had, like, it was a white-owned, white-ran establishment up until fairly recently. Like, I want to say, like, George Bush's first term, which is,, you know, this is like the last two decades or whatever. Like post 9-11, they're like, all right, we got to tone it down a little bit. They're like, ah, you know, we can't really be doing this type of stuff. Because everybody else is doing it now, and it seems like we just started.

I'm going to keep it a bill with you, man. I'm going to keep it real on the show because we're just two fucking real-ass motherfuckers. I feel, and it's probably because I'm a white guy, but Cracker Barrel feels... I like being in a Cracker Barrel, dude. I like it. I like the old Americana. I like the little puzzle games. I like the fucking bread rolls.

I know people will say, oh, it's for white people, but you know what? I like some cream corn every now and then. I like people will say, oh, it's for white people, but you know what? I like some creamed corn every now and then. I like some chicken fried chicken. I like their fried apples. Their chicken and dumplings aren't the best, but they'll do. It's okay, but it's not food I want to sit down for. I don't want to sit down.

It feels like I'm stuck in a barn well look i mean i let me be clear uh i have i go like once every five years right yeah it's it's something that you do when you're out like on a road trip or like your grandma you know she's gonna be dead soon and she's like can you stop by a cracker barrel on the way from church and you're like i guess motherfucker yeah fine, yeah, fine, you know. And watch her, you know, gum a chicken steak for, like, chicken fried steak for, like, two and a half hours. But, you know, they get a bad rap.

And I understand racism is bad, and I agree that it is bad. In a lot of ways, it is terrible. But I think what aggravates me more is just any company that like prevented gay and black people from buying homes and like getting loans for like literally like 40 years and then like in the last 20 they're like hey if you've got pink hair you can go into debt too like i i don't like all the commercials it's like a family a family that's like you know like they're they're doing though you know we're inclusive now and that's great but it's like you were not giving like didn't you like redline home loans like up until the financial housing crisis like wasn't that something you were doing for like it doesn't sound like you're giving lockheed room for growth which can

be really toxic dude that fucking video of that uh it was like a latina woman who like i think she was lgbt or something and she was like at the cia everyone's given an opportunity to succeed. It's like my parents from Ecuador came here with nothing, and I always wanted to be a CIA agent. And as a lesbian, Hispanic, Latino woman in the CIA, and it's like you guys don't get to do it. MasterCard shouldn't. Capital One shouldn't. Lockheed shouldn't.

CIA, you guys don't get to be on the train. All my life I wanted to work for Halliburton, and now I can't. I sent the missiles over to Syria, and I blew up the hospitals. I always wanted to be Delta Force, and everybody told me Delta Force was hard to be in, and you had to be like a white guy from Indiana who both his parents are dead so you can disappear into nothing.

I'm in Delta for now and I might have a killer. I'm a killer. People always said I couldn't join Border Patrol just because I was Mexican, but now I really throw people really far. Dude, a lot of

Border Patrol is Latino just because there's not other jobs down there. throw people like dude those guys really far dude a lot of a lot of border patrol is latino just because there's not other jobs down there and a lot of yeah it's shitty dude those some of those guys too in the interviews they're the and like you watch the arrest videos those motherfuckers are some of the worst and we've talked about this a billion times it's like that it's another example of a guy whose parents came over here, you know, undocumented. And then he's like, yeah, you know, $42,000 a year. I'll send him back. Yeah, I mean, the Rio Grande Valley has, like, fucking nothing there in terms of money.

Other than working for Border Patrol. Or, I mean, I'm sure there's probably things I don't know about. But, you know. It's like Border Patrol or, like, you are a coyote. Like, you help people get across. Yeah, like maybe you cook meth or something. I don't know. Yeah.

It's, uh, man, I told you we crossed the border. And same guy I was talking about earlier, he had drugs on him and didn't tell us. No. I told you that we did. We were fucking, dude. We were on that road trip for my 22nd birthday. And we drove all the way throughout the American Southwest. You know, Utah, Nevada, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Arizona, New Mexico, California.

And we were coming up from the border out of where West Texas, like Southwest Texas meets Mexico. And we were hitting a checkpoint and my roommate had brought like 20 Xanax fucking. He, he brought like 2000 milligrams of edibles. We ended up getting more in California. He had a couple of Viking and then like a dab pen and he brought all that with him. And so it takes us

it takes with stops and everything and taking shifts it took us like i don't know 18 hours to get to this part of texas because we were stopping on places in west texas and seeing shit whatever we were like hey man how many drugs do you have left now he had been popping them fucking things and he stayed fucked up that cocksucker did not drive the whole way. We were taking six-hour shifts. I think he drove that week trip we went on. Motherfucker drove maybe an hour and a half. Piece of shit.

Love him, though. Anyway, we roll up on the checkpoint, and he's like, oh, yeah, you know, the dab pen is mostly empty when we left. I've ate all my Xanax, and, you know, and he had been eating these fucking gummies. Like, you know, whatever. We're like, all right all right well we're coming up on a checkpoint about 10 miles so if you got anything you fucking dump it because they got dogs and my buddy edgar you met ed he's from the border and his mom is you know like they passed the checkpoint all the fucking time and he's like they do not fuck around dude nobody other than him had passed the checkpoint before i did once in south padre but it was bullshit this is like a legit checkpoint dude we roll up and uh you know they've got like

fucking dudes with their shit open like one guy on the side of the road they're taking the inside panel off his car i guess that the dog pointed or you know whatever reacted dogs are you know smelling cars in line and like are you fucking sure like are you 100 he's like yeah i'm good i'll go i've been eating all my drugs you guys have seen how fucked up i am right and i'm like yeah okay we get up there dog smells us you know guy kind of takes a look at us what are y'all doing y'all citizens uh-huh now you got your ids yep what you doing we're on a road trip buddy's 22nd birthday kind of a brief pause he goes all right we get down the road and zach goes uh whoo kind of nervous there and i was like yeah me too you

know i'm glad you know you finished with everything right and he's like, no. He's like, I got a bunch of this shit left, boy. He pulls the fucking... He had sacked a bag of Xanax. There was like four left. And he had the gummies in that sack. And they were under his nuts. So they started to coagulate a bit from the heat. And he was like, man, I was fucking...

Dude, I was ready to eat everything in this bag. Dude, go straight to heaven, man. And we were all like, dude, can't pull the car over now. We're like, dude, every fucking one of us would have gone to fucking jail. And he's like, yeah, but, you know, like, you know, my godfather, you know, my godfather, right? Like, he's the DA at Dallas. Like, I'm good.

We were all like, you're good. Nobody else in the car. It's like, we were like, you're the only one whose aunt is a fucking prosecutor and all this fucking shit. We're all, like, yelling at him. And he's like like i don't know why you guys are mad bro because like nothing happened and we were like like you're so you get so everybody was so mad that you can't talk like you're trying to get words out but you're like yeah if you he's like you guys are just mad because i got away with it and it's like we're all mad because we all could have gone to jail

for so long. And at best case scenario, we spend two days in a Mexican jail. And when you're a relative or whoever that fucking runs shit, you know, six counties over clears it up. And, you know.

But I didn't want to spend my birthday in a fucking border jail. And he's like, well, you didn't, did you? I don't know why you're so upset. I was like, just like, you know, fucking absolute degenerate. But sometimes those are your best friends, man, you know. It happens, man.

Those guys, you know. Those guys. Blame it, Bobby, I told you. Blame it, Bobby, quit smuggling. Bobby, are you running people and women and children and crack cocaine up and down the Southwest Corridor?

No, Dad. Son, let me check under your nuts. Bobby, you're gonna need to bend down and squat for me and cough and you're gonna have to spread your butt cheeks. Now, Bobby Hill, you show your father your butt cheeks. Bobby.

Louann, you better get that boy. He's greased himself up. I'm trying to get a look at his butt cheeks. See if he's smuggling pills again. You know, Arlen is a big pill country. Big pill city in Arlen. I hope they reboot it. I thought they were

going to for a bit, but I don't know. Part of me wants them to because I think Mike Judge is just like a really funny guy. But I think he also

says he has enough ideas to where he doesn't really have to. That's true. You know, it's not like he's running out of steam necessarily.

He does like a new show every few years. Yeah. And he's just like living off of like... Yeah. It's funny to... It's very funny to...

To like have made a fortune doing that. Like he, you know, like the King of the Hill is genius. Idiocracy was very funny and like but he's just like a guy like when he was on jackass and they were making him blow a bunch of air into preston lacey's asshole and uh you know they're all like steve was like yeah man you gotta shove that fucking fire poker in his asshole and mike judge is like i get it like he's very normal like he just looks like like one of your dad's friends who works on cars in his spare time. He's not a cartoonist.

He's just like a dude from Fort Worth or whatever. In my mind, somebody like Stone Cold Steve Austin drew King of the Hill or whatever. Did we glitch? No, we're all good. It's okay, audio-wise. It's been a while. Oh, man, it's bad. It's okay.

I can hear you. It's all right. Here we go, baby. We're fucking and sucking. Touching on each other. And you know your anus is going, your anus is going out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, man, we're back. I think we're back. We're back. I've just been singing my song Singing it all day long I've been singing my song I love podcasting Podcasting's the best With my friend Jake

Yes sir Thank you Yes sir Welcome to the Thunderdome What the fuck is my phone doing? Oh, I'm watching fucking ads. All right. Sorry, we had a little bit.

We haven't had a Zoom issue in a minute. I feel like this was like a flashback from the past. Yeah, we used to have like 10 minutes of Zoom connection per episode. Those were the days. Those were the days, yeah. It was like the first two months of the show, we were both just drunk and didn't really remember what we talked about.

And I didn't even know what the title of the episode was. And then for a year, it was like you would be talking about a guy you knew at work who got caught jacking off in the porta potty. And then I would just be like, man, I go to the zoo sometimes. And then the conversations just wouldn't match up like at all yeah you know that's okay i mean people aren't here to listen what we've got to say they're here to most people listen this you know they're either emts or they're having sex a lot lot of people put this on, they just start

banging each other out. I'm trying to picture the type of guy that's like fourth or fifth date with a girl and he's like maybe he's got a nice apartment. And he's like do you mind if I play some music?

Kind of just set the mood. Oh yeah, that's fine. And he's got a badass speaker system. He just hits the power button and it's you. And it's like, yeah, I almost cut my legs off with a fucking pole saw the other day. And I just cut like the tip of my penis just a little bit. And my boss didn't let me get workers comp. So I've been pissing out the side of my dick for like half of like i don't know like the last six months i guess i wonder if you know in

situations like that if the woman would leave i don't know i think uh it's hard to imagine a man hasn't given off any other red flags by then like that's the before he just seemed like the like the biggest sweetheart in the world. Really good, well-put-together guy. Oh, yeah. Handsome as fuck. She's thinking, gosh, he's about to lay it down. I'm about to get some of the best pipe.

This is going to be some fucking grade-A cock. That's how women think. That's how women think That's how women We know We know You already know when a woman wants some splooge Yeah she'll text you Boom boom time

Yeah She'll be like Bring me that dick If you're out there dude And you're like And you feel lonely And like you just don't know How to spit game

Well the next 20 minutes Of this episode Is the spit game chronicles And me and Thomas Are gonna let you know You know The secrets Because me and Thomas

I don't know if you guys Know this but You know we have Girlfriends So we must be doing Something Right We must have figured it out You know And I don't know if you guys know this, but we have girlfriends, so we must be doing something. Right. We must have figured it out.

First thing you want to do is find your erogenous zones. That's going to be it. And next time you're with a bitch, you tell her all your erogenous zones before you even mention your name. Yeah, so say you swipe right on a baddie from bumble a bad bitch a bad big old it was her words not mine i wouldn't say something like that and say you you swipe right on a big old you know a big fat bitch a big old burly type broad and she's like i like this this bar on fucking west six called i like this bar in deep ellen called fucking stinky peets and you know

maybe she's one of them doc martin fucking you know mentally ill type people and you're like oh here we go i'm gonna get she go from fucking whatever the fuck that show was kim possible and you go to meet her and she's like hey my name is fucking mia or whatever the emily and you're like if you rub on my elbow i'm gonna start creaming girl if you put your tongue on the inside of my penis i might go on some caramba shit um uh i i don't uh what like if you want to i know i haven't offered to buy you a drink yet but bitch if you want to uh make me bust off real hard whenever you get down there on my johnson you gotta check for a spot on my ball sack that don't have a hole in it yet because i can only bust if i poke a hole in my fucking big ass wrinkly sack listen i know

that you took statistically a big risk and even meeting me here because you know fellas be crazy these days you know some guys be burying girls out in the woods and podcasts be talking about them. But I ain't one of them guys. Basically, if you just like chew on my earlobe and you go, that basically is how you get one-way ticket to fucking splooshville, if you catch what I'm saying.

I know you probably just hanging out with me because you want some free drinks. But I'm going to leave a callus on the inside of your throat if you let me. From you sucking my dick so many times. Girl, I'd let you suck my dick a million times. Girl, I know that we work together, and you filed several complaints against me.

But, man, I have an air mattress that deflates a little and i would rock your world on that thing you know what i'm saying i know it's 8 45 a.m and you're just gearing yourself up to go into work but i'm banging on your car window i'm saying if you want some good pipe you got to treat me right you got to take me out to dinner bitch and i'm gonna leave a fucking residue all over all over your bed like when like when a tree starts losing its bark in the fall. I'm going to leave a sap all over your bed frame, bitch. You're going to have to get some motherfucking scrub daddies up in there with a little bit of cleaning solution. I know you're in grad school right now, but have you ever been piped down by a guy

who has a felony charge and who can never ever legally own a firearm before? Girl, I'm going to take the varnish off your motherfucking vanity. Because I'm going to come all over it from the bed. It's going to sit up on there like the Mucinex, man. He's going to be winking at you. Girl, your pussy going to look like one of them raisins covered in yogurt you can buy.

Jesus Christ. And it's going to smell like a raisin too because I got weird effects on your pheromones. So that's first step of Roger DeZone. Step two, fellas, you're going gonna have to start laying out that big cheddar Cause if there's one thing If there's one thing me and Thomas Definitely used to our advantage

When we got in relationships It was how much money that we had at the time We had fucking cash flow I was so rich I made over $9,000 a year When I filed my taxes the year me and my girlfriend started dating i i made fucking fourteen thousand dollars that year one that i literally filed one thousand dollars so whenever y'all go to dinner and she's like oh

can we get an appetizer you let her get two three. It don't matter if you've got fucking $6 in your checking account because here's the thing. You just got to outrun her. You know what I'm saying? Like, let her get some cocktails. Let her get a couple Palomas in her. Let her get a couple margaritas. May I speak, player?

Go for it, big dog. First thing you want to do because bitches love negging. Let me say, all dog. First thing you want to do, because bitches love negging. Let me say, all right, first thing you do when you meet her, I don't care if she smell good. I don't care if she got some of that Gucci Colline on. You come up to her and say, you stink, bitch. You smell like shit, you fucking nasty buck. Where'd you get that perfume?

The poop store? Where'd you get that dress? The store where'd you get that dress the shit factory you trifling bird bitch you get veneers from turkey your teeth be buck as shit bitch you got a debit card hoe i bet your car ain't even pushed to start you fucking trifling ass stinky ass bitch you what you got what you got that I could borrow? You got a motherfucking spare tire on your car? I'm gonna unbolt that bitch. Take it home. If you got anything I could pawn,

because I'm about to pay for dinner, and a man knows his place as a provider, and so unless you got shit in your car right now that I can take to the pawn shop across from this Olive Garden bitch, you gonna be paying in fucking coins. I gotta buy me some pimp crystals, bitch. Can I sell the back seats of your motherfucking

Camry? Listen, bitch, all my money... I know how to take them out. If you think that I'm gonna be able to cover this bill, all my money goes to elf bars and fucking, you know, rain and shit. I ain't got fucking disposable income, bitch.

You think you can kill me with the piano wire I left under your passenger seat? You think a beast like me can be killed by mere gunfire? I'm the fucking devil, dude. You think you lost more pets than I did to cars? You don't miss bingo as much as me,

bitch. You don't miss bingo as much as me bitch You don't know that pain You ain't gonna let me get the crab rangoons Even though bingo died when I was three You trifling ass hoe I know your brother committed suicide But my cat got hit by a fucking Peterbilt bitch So you gonna let me get this fucking trauma off. You know why your brother died is because you stank.

Because you stank. I would have killed myself too if I smelled a bitch like that. I was on I-35 10 minutes from here. I got a noxious green gas came through my fucking air conditioning vent. And I just knew it was you, bitch. I thought this restaurant was getting a goddamn poop delivery. Turned out it was you. I thought they had poop du jour on the fucking menu, but it turns out it's your kicking ass breath.

Yeah, I was surprised you could keep that dress on without a turd slipping between your legs hitting the floor. So we got step one in Roger DeZone. So we got step two money. We got, with step two, better throw that cheddar. Step three, you want to make sure

that your apartment, because if you do step one or two right, you know that she ain't calling the police. She's coming back straight to your apartment. You got to make sure.

If she call the police just to tell them she's about to get some good dick. If she called the police, it's to tell them she's about to get some good dick. And that's word. That's on phone name. Step three, you better keep that fucking apartment spotless, Blair.

And so, you know, and me and Thomas, we definitely know a lot about cleanliness and home decor. And it's not just something that we kind of had to learn how to do really fast when our girlfriends moved in. So, you know, if you've got like a lawn chair entertainment system set up, you know, basically if you just get like a plant or some like Christmas lights or something, you know, just go to Home Depot with like the last 20 bucks you got. And that should do it. That should be enough right there. You get you some floating shelves, you mount them wrong, who cares? Yeah, TV's fucking 16 degrees to the right.

You didn't even mount it into the fucking goddamn stud. It's just hanging off the fucking sheetrock wires hanging down and shit. You got cat piss in the corner. You don't even own a fucking cat it's just the strays come in through the doggy door that you never when bingo died you never covered it up you want to learn how to fuck a bitch good get a disco ball yeah get a fucking spend six hundred dollars on an authentic disco ball get a disco ball some blackout curtains get

rid of your windows drywall over them spackle your windows, invite a bitch in and have a ball. Take out the central AC in your apartment building. Invite a bitch in and your whole sink is full of engine coolant. Black out your fucking windows, put curtains up, paint them fuckers black,

pull up all the fucking carpet, gouge out one of your fucking eyeballs. You can't afford a race car bed? Put transmission fluid all over your bed before she gets in. It smells like cherries in there. Fill the back of the toilet tank up with fucking pig's blood, dude. So every time she flushes after she pees, it's just blood. Cut your penis off.

Throw it in the sink. She'll go in there and see you got a big penis. So that's step three. We've gone through the three major steps. Irogenous zones, you know. Get to touching on my elbow and it's cream team time. Step two, stack that cheddar and be ready to throw it out. Make her pay for dinner.

You know, she'll stick around. Step three, make sure your place is clean. Get the pig's blood. Get the engine cooler. Cut your penis off. Step four. Now, this is the most crucial step. This is only after, you know you you wooed her you wooed that bitch with all three first steps you know you did

everything that we told you to do and now you're fucking you're at you know you're in like lincoln you know i don't know what that means i don't even think that's a phrase i think i don't i've never heard like flynn i, I think. Yeah, I don't even. You're LinkedIn like LinkedIn. Yeah, yeah, you're LinkedIn like LinkedIn, baby. You're continental like Johnson's rental. Yeah, there we go, yeah. You're schizophrenia and bitch, she's feeling you.

You know what I'm saying? Step four is you're going to want to know you're gonna have to propose because you know because if she is willing to deal with the pig's blood and the engine coolant you know you gotta lock it down because you don't want another fella coming through and that's why you wear a duster so you can keep a frisbee in there and before you propose you try you toss it at her you see if it bounces off her clit if she don't got a hard clit you don't propose

yeah she said what the hell was that for I said I was seeing if your goddamn

fucking mountainous clit was hard Jesus Christ cause if not I was gonna if it was I was gonna

punch you I was gonna hit you I was gonna beat you up at chess. I've been taking fucking no-geek classes at the strip mall, fucking BJJ gym bitch.

So I was just making sure, you know. I was going to put you in a fucking go-go plotter. I've been plotting Danica Patrick's murder for a couple years. Will you marry me? You know that, what's the senator's name Kristen Sinema I've been digging fucking tunnels under her fucking house

for like six years but I was wondering if you want to be my wife forever yeah Kristen Sinema when I'm done with her she'll be called

dipped in cinnamon because she's gonna smell good cause I'm gonna buy a bunch of candles for her yeah that's pimp Chronicles right there. This has been spitting game schizophrenia with your host fucking Tom and Jake.

And we got another 70 minutes left. Yeah. I don't think that's the... I think if we do anymore... Step five. Put on some Coldplay. Put your penis back on. Cut it off.

Throw it away. Take some Blue Chew. Get your n back on. Cut it off. Throw it away. Take some blue chew. Get your nub hard. Start painting with it. Go Bob Ross on a bitch with your nub. Yeah. Paint a motherfucking tree on a bitch. And then you say,

Can I have $100? Because I got to buy a PS2 for my cousin. He's going to beat me up again. I need to get an oil change on my Tacoma, so I need $80. And that's how you get a motherfucking free oil change. Simple as. If you're a single man out there and you're looking to get yourself a wife and an oil change, you've come to the right podcast. there and you're looking to get yourself a wife and an oil change, you've come to the right podcast.

If you've got a Toyota Tacoma with a fucking Molon Labe sticker on the back and you're fucking 8,000 miles over, your tires are bald as hell, this is a show for you. I'm pretty sure that that's actually at least 40% of our listener base as is.

I don't think our motherfucking listener base has government identification. I do't think our motherfucking listener base has government identification. I do not think our listener base... Y'all the type of dudes that get on the motherfucking subway and just ride around on it. Not even homeless. Just ride around holding the Glock 9. Just fucking...

Just leaving... Gripping the motherfucking pole so hard you leave dents in it. You get off and you're in time square for no reason you ain't even from new york and you ain't gonna do nothing with the gun you just sometimes drive around with the motherfucker just thinking about what if i what if i fucking did it this time you know like what if it was just this one time i did it and then what if i shot up the m&m store what would even what would even happen what how would they find a motive and then you swing by the fucking you know you swing by the burger joint and you have a hamburger and you do a couple lines

in the bathroom and then you know you fucking go back home because you know you know you got pendejo time to listen to you know there's a new episode out you can't be killing people in time square you can't be killing people in time square it's bad that's there's not much wide open space not as much as you think it's too cluttered yeah that's not much wide open space. Not as much as you'd think. It's too cluttered. You could probably get a couple shots. You could get tackled from any angle. Yeah, by a big fucking guy from Uganda

doing backflips off the fucking bleachers next to the goddamn AT&T sign or whatever the fuck. Those guys are out there just looking for a reason to get in the news these days. They want to do fucking karate kicks to just a depressed white guy who listens to a podcast called Pendejo Time. Hey, if you're listening to Pendejo Time right now, you can check out even more episodes on how to be schizophrenic and how to have just different types of issues and trying to get a wife to like you.

different types of issues and then trying to get a wife to like you. Um, if you go to patrion.com slash Pendejo time, uh, you get four extra episodes a month. Uh, if you throw us $5. Now, if you throw us $10,

you get an extra episode every week, plus a video episode every month. And we've been upgrading our shit. So they look pretty good these days. Uh, if you have money and you don't want anything in return for it you can give us 50 a month and you get all the other shit from those other two tiers but nothing else i mean honestly i've been thinking you know if you want to give us 50 bucks a month uh you can just come

on the show for an episode like i i you know what i don't thomas we didn't even talk about this if you know we didn't we didn't talk about that. We have a hard enough time scheduling. When to hang out with each other. Yeah, scheduling like when we're recording the regular episodes, so we can talk about that. But next week we're having on three chihuahuas, and they're going to go, yep, yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep.

So look forward to that. And then I think on the next one We got Blinky David Duke The grand wizard of the KKK He's coming on We meant to book Duke Deuce The Memphis rapper

We really got it completely wrong Yeah we fucked up and invited on a real piece of shit But you know It's the way she goes sometimes Bye on a real piece of shit. But, you know, it's the way she goes sometimes. Bye.