Pendejo Time - squawk

Episode Date: May 7, 2026

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That song that's like, Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart? By the Loving Spoonful. Why would anybody ask a question like that? Why would you ask a question like that at all? I understand wanting to start a song off that way, but if anybody, if somebody come up to you in person and ask, do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart?

I don't think you'd like it would get shot for you. That's what I was thinking too. It was just playing on a commercial and I went and Google it because I was like, I feel like I've seen this in like 50 movies and commercials. It's true. It's one of the most used songs, but then I was reading the lyrics and I was like, this was written in a time when you could write a song and you could be like, hanging out with a young girl and we're going to the mall.

It's just fine because it's in my town hanging out with a young girl. girl she lives down the road and it's just this was this was a time long long ago when you could just write a song like that you can write as many songs like that as you want it sorry I'm having a hard time uh I have an hard time getting through this because it's very fun to me but it's just it's from a it's from a different era where you could write you could be the biggest artist in the world and you can have 11 albums and they could all be some version of do you one uh hey hey great girl i'm 38 and i know you're 17 but you'd seem real great and you're my neighbor and it's okay you know what i'm saying you're looking at me with a little bit of kind of

skepticism but i don't appreciate no no i understand i know where you're coming from and it sucks because a lot of the music like being you still make it like that i know i do a lot of it comes from that same place right of course you got to pull it back sometimes i know it's so mad, so frustrated. Now you gotta be like, we were only 23, you know. Yeah. We were only 23. That's pretty, I guess that's not. We were both 23,

and so were you. I promise. I was 36, and you were similar and you were around 36, roughly within 15 years, 15 to 50 years of that. Baby girl, I promise you were 23.

Baby girl, don't you see? My little 30-year age cat. I was 36. Do you believe in magic? It was either something weird, but okay, or something where I need to be beaten and too-paced. Beating that type of pace to make out of a guy. Do you believe in magic, an illegal, a perfectly legal girl's heart? Girl, you were my teacher who hated her job.

You hated your job. job with a teacher So you fuck me Girl you hated your job so much Baby girl I can roll love That was A girl with a teacher who hates her job

And she presents her husband Who wears golf polos Maybe he don't Pay attention to her like he used to And so she's gonna take it out on me Just a game of problem I don't because I'm 16 I got no money on my own

that yet But I will But I will when I'm 19 It's only three years away Only three years away Do you believe in magic Getting raped by my teacher She doesn't talk to her husband anymore

Not even a sexy teacher A regular teacher Just an old fat teacher Just a regular teacher Teaching some shit like mad Big ass nipples We didn't even think To do like funny

Jokes about it Nope Role play No No no no Do it regular Having sex with an old teacher And I was

I looked like shit too I want to fuck my ugly ass teacher Oh really There are there songs like this It is kind of crazy Than hop for teacher I don't know No there's

There's a lot of songs There's a lot of songs There's a Rocking the Cradle of Love Which I think is from the perspective of like, I guess, yeah, Hoffa teacher would be from the child's perspective. There's a lot from the man's perspective.

I see what you mean. Now that I think about it, there's a lot. 17 by Winger. Rocking a cradle of love. Do you believe in magic? Pretty young thing. That one's no good. Such a P-Y-T.

Making it an acronym, I think, is especially evil. I think it's okay. I mean, I think I don't think Michael Jackson meant anything weird. I don't think he did either. In hindsight,

people take that out of context for the rest of his life. It's like, if you actually knew Michael Jackson, that's not something that people really thought he was up to. Also, like, in our, and where we grew up,

listen, this is just small town stuff, okay? Where me and Thomas are from, the kind of communities that we're from, if you're a boy and an grown ugly teacher fucks you Hey That's a part of being That's part of the journey of being a man

You know exactly what I'm talking about If a fucking 300 pound Kind of like a Like a bob haircut You know Church parking lot potluck type lady Plops her fucking butt down on you Fucking algebra class dude

That's just a part of being a man And you can't say that you were assaulted in any way and you can't even make a big deal about it. Okay, here's Michael Jackson when he's drunk. Okay. I want to eat you. Oh, no. I want to mind you.

20 dumplings. I need some dumplings in my house now because they're yummy. Yeah. Stuff like that, things like that. And I want everybody to know that there's no reason to engage in that sort of type of behavior. And if you see it in your neighborhood, high schools, call it out. If you are in, if you are ever around a high school and you ever see a teacher behaving inappropriately with a student, call it out. Thomas, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

You have to be, you have to be on guard. I don't really hang out around high schools that much. Thomas does a lot these days. I do. I'm a security guard for high school. For New York high school. You guys got a permit? You work at the high school from Euphoria, right, the New York High School of, of.

Yep. I'm trying to imagine Sam Levinson bringing you on, dude. It's like a security guard at the high school. Jacob Allorty is just like, you better get out of my life. I get kicked off the show for looking too old when I'm the youngest person on the show. Jacob Elored, he's like, you better get out of my way, man. I'm the only person under 40.

You get brought in for season nine of, of, you. Yeah. You better get out of my way, man. I'm serious. You're just like, all right, yeah, no problem. You offer them. Why are you Uh, Mr. Security Guard,

why are you only patting down the transit? My job is keep this school safe. New York fucking high school. I try to keep y'all safe. New York fucking Euphoria High School. My name's officer. It's not. Um, uh,

Blue, Purple. Whatever. Fucking show. Officer show. I haven't seen this show. Officer from the show. Officer show here. I need to pat down the one transsexual actress on the show,

please and that everybody else could go home By the time I'm on they're going to have way more My name is an officer show I'm officer show Sorry is there Is there another angle you're looking for with this? Nope, we've got the bit we've got the

Run it Run it Run it Run it Listen Jacob You fire everybody on the show except Hunter Schaefer As an extra

She'd get everybody in the tent I didn't know there was on it I didn't know. That's who you're talking about patting down. That's the fucking actress. I haven't seen the show. I just assumed that there was a transcroll in the show. Probably transcroll in the show.

Fuck, that's great. That's awesome. Oh, that's really funny to me. I know who Hunter Schaefer is. Yeah, she's the, she's the dude. I thought that, no, I actually, I knew there was a trans woman in the show, but I thought Alex Kansani. Is she like a model or something?

I don't know who that is. but I know that Hunter Schiafers is a model or something. Anyway. It doesn't matter. I feel like the longer that we talk about it, the worst it gets for us specifically. No, it doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. I'm about anything anymore. It's kind of awful. I'll talk about anything for an hour. I'm a podcaster. Uh, yeah. One hour of Thomas getting two trans women mixed up. Oh, awesome.

Glad. Glad this is, uh, glad I pay for this. but um yeah man um i think do you believe in magic and a trans girl's heart it's the same as any other heart i've been listening to a lot of shot a nice and a lot of m i yeah yeah um i remember you were telling me you were you were getting back in mia

and then you were unfortunately taken aback by her statements i i didn't really care about her statements um correct yeah that's that's right she's uh she's 50 something i She's a million years old. She's very bipolar. She made paper planes, and I don't think we really need to look more into that. A million years old. What are we worried about her reproducing?

Those days are past her. She's a million years old. She's super old and, you know, for lack of a better term, she is from Asia. Matangi, I rule progressim. An amazing career of music. She's older than my mom. What the fuck? Yeah, she could literally be your grandma.

She's so old. And yet she's made a few amazing songs. She's from the UK, right? Yeah, UK and Sri Lanka. Sometimes I like writing my songs. She was fucking on. Doing my music. I'm in my, eh.

I'm from Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka, I'm from Manchester City. Actually, I think she's from a different part of the, whatever the fuck. She was fucking on Diplo? Come on, dude. Can't be doing that. Yeah, you can.

She's from a town called... I know they had that bed making crazy dub-sep noises. Fucking... Borgh-e-oh-e-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h... And he... His mom's like this. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Oh, dude. No, it's Diplo. Fuck the shit out of me, Diplot. And let's have straight sex. Let's have straight sex together.

Diplo, let's have straight sex. Diplo, come inside me, please, Diplo. Right. Right. Right. Come in me, please. That's proper stuff. He can call me if you'd like.

He's no pro. Straight interracial sex with having. Where's Diplow from? What's his accent? There's some other shit. He's from... He's from Mississippi. Hey, I'm going to come with you, governor.

All right. He's not talking like that. Why is he from Mississippi? He's from Tupelo. He's from where Elvis is from. That's crazy. I didn't know that. I thought...

I saw a video of him... One of these days I'm going to get out of this town. I'm going to work with Calvin. Harris I'm gonna get out of this town I'm gonna have you watch me I'm gonna make a song with see ya that plays at Target I'm gonna make millions of dollars

off target songs he fucking I saw an interview with him recently where he was like yeah AI you gotta put it in your songs so I just thought he was I think maybe in his older age he's getting Stephen Seagal syndrome where it's quite possible

that he could be If I hung out with one or maybe more one rapper in my life, I would talk like a black guy forever. Well. Like if I met Jay-Z, I would be black forever. Yeah. It's really hard.

If he had songs with Kodak Black and other people and those around them, I would start talking like how over they talk. I code switch pretty, pretty bad. It's pretty funny, especially when I'm drinking. I'll just, I'll come out to say it. I'm looking forward to it at the, oh, yeah. I assume it'll mostly be gentlemen of color. Yeah.

Well, it's going to be a good mix. There's going to be a couple. I thought we'd be probably the only two white people there, I assumed. No, there's going to be a lot of half... I almost said... It doesn't matter what I said. I don't know why it almost came out like that. That was a ghost in my grandpa.

There's going to be a couple of my friends. You should invite ghost friends. Ghost friends? I should invite my friends who are good. Yeah, we're going to invite all our friends who passed away over the years. That would be fun. I can invite my friend who got hit by a drunk driver and killed. And I could invite my friend who overdosed.

Your friend got killed by Caitlin Jenner. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's... Dude, if Caitlin Jr. crash into my friend's car and killed my friend, I would fucking go punish her mode on Caitlin Jenner. Oh, I'm sure you would. Oh, Governor, I'm Caitlin. I would fucking...

Right, then. Right, then. Hello, Caitlin Jenner. We're having... Straight? Gay sex. Question mark? I'm not quite sure.

No, we're having gay sex. It's gay? Two women. Oh, okay. All right. You're a woman. Okay. Very...

No, I'm in my A still. Okay, right, right, right, right. Right, then. Come in me, governor. I fly life, baby, get high-like plates. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't know. What do you think Caitlin Jenner sounds like when she's fucking...

Something like that, something. No, I mean, it sounds like this. Ooh. I would like, yeah, that would be... Hi, hi. Yeah, yeah. This is nice. Oh, what a wonderful feeling.

But that's only for coming. I think probably he were she sorry fuck she probably makes a certain type of sound it's over it's over it doesn't matter anymore who gives a fuck it's all right that's what I'm thinking is gonna happen uh... I fly life have to get a hard life

we should we should uh... it's probably not that hard to get MIAA on the show no I don't think it would be hard at all I think you could probably get it done with a I would like to get MIAA and Jacques on a podcast episode together. That would be beautiful. Yes. I think having the two of them on the show would be a great way to end the show forever. So maybe we put that,

we put a staple on that. We think about that. But I don't know if either, you know, if we want to go back to, you know, just kind of be a normal, normal guys. We can have them on the show together. She would probably say something crazy. And he would probably say something crazy too. We can get P88 on. We can have like 50 people,

50 of the craziest people that we know. Oh, yeah. But I've really been enjoying Shadee as well. I've been listening to Shadee on my morning drives, which has been nice. I'm listening to a lot of Fay Webster. She's pretty good. I don't know who the hell of that is.

She's like a bluesy jazzy. It's giving no respect I don't know who the fuck I don't know who the fuck does I don't know who the fuck you'd even bring it up man Yeah, Faye Webster More like wayfrey Wayfester to listen to Drake

Wayfester to listen to Drake Wayfester to listen to fucking I'm going on it I need a one dance Leaving You're just doing that to get Chicken And he and Drake's leaving your house

To go get Popeyes for the two of you to share later as a kind of a romantic, but perhaps even platonic later interaction. I think that if you're shaving a heart into your head I think past a, I don't know.

I don't know what an appropriate age for some of the stuff that he does is. I think he's probably... There must have been a burger with French fries. Yes, sure. There must have been, dude. I must eat a cheeseburger tonight. There must have been.

a big plate of letters I drink a milkshake that's black pouring it down with something red I drink a milkshake that's black poured it down with something red That's the only foods I can think of I'm sorry man

Black and red I drink a milkshake that's black Pouring down with some red Fuck. Oh, my God. Fuck. Tastes like milk milkshake. I've been drinking a lot of big french fries.

Yeah, anyway, fuck. What the hell was that? I took a screenshot. A pizza order that I picked up two hours ago. They just said it was ready. I ordered a pair of. I wonder if I wanted. went in and said, all right, I'm here for my pizza.

If they would give it to me again, but probably not. I ordered a pokey bowl earlier. I ate that. Is it one of the raw ones? Yeah, I like raw. I eat a lot of raw fish. Probably not good. But it is tasty.

I tried one of those the other day. It was actually really yummy. It was the raw salmon one. Yeah, I had tuna, raw tuna. It was good as fuck And I really enjoyed it And I bought I also recently bought a

Garmin Uh Tracker Tracker for my For my health And And uh Um

It's cool It tells you your resting heart rate And um It also tells you All sorts of cool stuff And if you're thinking Why do you want something like that tracking you? Jake you're becoming like a bug man

That's fine with me Um I really don't care about being tracked anymore. I don't think about it really anymore. I'm being dead serious. I don't care. I don't really like, I don't put tape over my webcam when I'm not using it anymore. You can watch what I jack off to.

You can see what my health markers are. RFK Jr. You can have access to all that stuff. I don't care anymore. You guys can keep. Not that I was going to stop you. You guys can keep doing what you're doing. You can keep losing track of children.

You can keep putting drugs in people's like hollowed out dead bodies and using that to try to using dead military service members to transfer drugs in their caskets. You can keep doing that this stuff. I'm not going to stop you. I've decided that I want to just live my life. So y'all can keep doing that. I'm not going to stop anybody. I just want to let you guys know if you're listening that I'm done with that stuff. I was kind of on that wave for a little bit.

I'm not really big on these flock cameras. Have you read about those? Yeah, they're all over Texas. Do they have the decibel thing? Yeah. Yeah. People in Austin have just been straight blowing them up or like cutting them out or cutting them down like a tree with angle grangers and shit. I found out about them the other day.

And a couple, a few months ago, I drove about 25 minutes to a mechanic shop with no Cadillian. a converter. Yeah. And I'm hoping that nothing comes with that because

it was about as loud as a car can be. Yeah, as loud as that I in line

4 can produce the sound that would have meant. Yeah. Sounded kind of like a train.

That's the one thing that's nice about text. I'm hoping that I was fortunate with that.

I wasn't on the main streets. I was trying to be considering But, yeah, I don't, you know, people do drive crazy here.

And I think, like, if you're somewhere with public transportation, it's kind of like, if you can, you probably should take that instead. In Austin, it's like, well, what do you want people to do? There's no public transportation, really. There's, like buses, right? But not like anything super reliable that I know of. And nobody actually lives in Austin. They all live. Yeah.

Most people who live in the city Live outside of it And exist as sort of a servile class That can't really afford to live in within the city And everybody lives in the city Isn't even from Texas Many of them aren't even from planet earth They're from somewhere else entirely

Been working on figuring out where that is But yeah the flaw cameras Don't have the decibel readers But I heard about that Because in Texas you can have your car as loud as you want And I still Appreciate that I'm sorry to all of my coastal elite friends

all of my pussy-ass friends, my liberal friends. A car can be as loud as the driver wants it to be. And I hope that you guys don't cancel me for that. But if I want to make my fucking car loud as shit, wake up. That's all I got to say to you. I saw somebody be like, it's disrespectful and it's really corny to have a loud car. Let me shave your fucking butt cheeks for you too, dude. you need to put your tampon into your fucking butt

get over yourself dude my car if I want to make it fucking loud I live in the fucking shittiest country in the history of the world if I want to make my shit so fucking loud that kills everybody and it produces so much fucking carbon dioxide

it kills me who gives a fuck remember when you had the C-10 I had the same problem in the van where I'd be driving it with the windows up and I'd get tired because I'd have a fucking exhaust man a fold leak for like fucking five months

They had a custom exhaust on mine, but they didn't replace the manifold. Yeah. It was like Chrome on just completely rusted out. Fucking a larkus. Yeah, old old, uh, old fucking inline six or whatever. Yeah. It's so funny to, to put like a $2,000 exhaust system on like an engine with like half a million miles on it. It just like doesn't work.

Yeah. It has, no, it needs to be remissioned. that almost every day. I think about the van before I go to sleep. I think about that almost every single day. I think, oh my God. I think I had $10,000 saved up at one point in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I immediately spin it on that truck. Any guitar that I didn't know how to play. Yeah, I spent about the same on the van. But I made sure to get even less than that back when I sold it. So if you guys know about the money. I sold the truck as a backyard truck. I'd roll it out by hand. I remember going over to your house before you moved and looking into the window of the car.

And there was something in the cup holder that was there when you took it to St. Marcus to help me move. I just, I think it was like a, I don't know, it looked like a little, something that you'd hang from the rear rear mirror, but like a little, it looked like a little, it looked like a bee. like some beads. I don't remember. But there was something in there that was in the truck when we took it to, when you drove it to help me move.

Which, by the way, real solid, real solid guy, Thomas's for doing that for buying an old truck and then driving it seven hours round trip. Not knowing if it was

mechanically sound at all to have, because I don't think it had a, it didn't have a horn or brake that worked good. It had break. It didn't have... Good break.

I think the horn fused. fell out and I threw it away. So I do remember a fuse falling out. I do remember throwing it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not checking where it came out of. And I do think we got our answer pretty quickly. The headlights went about four feet.

That was always really good. You know, the battery was held on by a bungee cord. Yeah. Seems to be a common thing. People do that. Great sign. Weight reduction. Yeah, you know, I mean, it was, man, it was fun.

It was fun. Life sometimes. Oh, also the AC went out on my drive back from helping you move. I remember, yeah. Yeah. I remember just my body's sticking deeply to the vinyl of the seat. The van would over- An very incredible way.

Would overheat it idle so I couldn't have the AC on. And so I would also have to. where'd you go you got oh no my my battery's a little bit low I'm plugged in but oh swag I was trying to

1000% that's okay we've got 30 more minutes yeah yeah do you believe in singing and being a nice good guy

who would never do anything bad to anybody in his life a good guy a good guy do you like singing You look so sad Through your house

You look like a sad girl With locked windows La La Land Wait now What's the other one With fucking Lady Gaga And What's the

Was it called I know this is a long shot Was it called Gaga He He? No That doesn't sound right That's not long shot Was it called Gaga Cooper?

It's just just curious This It wasn't called Ging Gein What was it called Gongo Gingo Bachi? No, no, there's no way It couldn't have been called that

It wasn't it Bachi Macha I really don't think it was that It wasn't it Made up Chinese language Was it? Wait, was that the one She was like She was like 900 pounds

And her skin was all correct And her name was Bachi Mama What's the name with that movie With Lady Gaga Bachi Mama? Yes, the Chinese made up name Yeah, the Chinese fake language Yeah, Bachi Mama

Oh, fuck Oh, god damn It's like a It's like a Pixar movie, I think It's like Bachi Mama Yeah, Bradley Cooper's in it They sing songs I Chowanga

Bachiganga Yeah, stuff like that I really What is the name With a goddamn movie Fuck Um Gaga Cooper movie

Uh A star is born Okay, Bachi mama Yeah, that's right Bachi I can go. Gingles Ganga from a...

Who gives a fuck about this movie? Um... I think it's kind of crazy. I think it's cool that Lady Gaga and Lana Del Rey and Katie Perry all released albums that were flops and then...

I'll be right back. I'm changing my charger out here. That's okay. And then they all released out. I've been working on this theory. Holy shit Oh god Sorry guys About you mama I'm still laughing from

I'm still laughing at the fucking shit from 20 minutes ago Anyway Um Uh Katie Perry Lady Gaga and motherfucking Lana DeLray All had albums

They came out that flop And then What I believe happened Is that Um somebody got a hold of them because Kitty Perry was making like Alanis Morissette stuff

she had an album called A it was big in Japan she used to dress like Julian Casablancus and she used to sing like fucking shit like that and then Lana Bell Ray before she became Everybody wants to ride in my

Pussy Galaxy Before she started doing that shit she was just Lizzie Grant and then before Lady Gaga was fucking Are we are Beckett's fuck sorry about that Before Lady Gaga was a gay guy She was

Stephanie Gergliaga Namaga, whatever the fuck And anyway All of those artists I guess were I just assumed that they probably joined the Illuminati Or something something like that Sorry I was talking about how a bunch of artists

Will have an album that sucks a dick and then they'll like go away for a little while and will be signed by a major label and then they'll come back as a completely new character it happened with katie perry and lana del Rey and laida gaga and uh to some extent alice and chains we don't have to talk about that because i like alison chains we don't talk about that we don't have to get into that anyway um my co-worker when I were talking about he was like I really like Lana D'O'Re and I was like me too man

and I realized in that moment I had never talked to another grown man about Lana Del Rey before not that there's anything wrong with that it just had never had never happened to me before yeah what did you suck his cock after now we work remote so that would have been kind of fucking physically impossible but good try though you fucking numb nuts

Yeah, they would be numb after I talked to them Because I would have gotten them to suck on them And then they get numb when they get sucked on Why? Because it's a Yeah, come on Because they don't like it Come on

I don't like it Defense mechanism like a plant My dick gets numb if you start sucking it I don't like it Sorry babe, no head tonight My shit, my foliage is fucked Yeah Who gives me fucking shit dude

Oh man Whenever a girl touches your balls It's kind of like, yeah You don't really have to do that Yeah That's a great point I'm really glad you brought it up It's not like a movie or something

Let's explain on that This isn't porn or I really have to act Like this is something I'm interested in I feel like that I feel like that And I have felt like that Anytime I've ever got my penis

Sucked or touched on Ever It's always like This isn't like the movies You don't really Yeah Yeah, it's not really... I know this is kind of not fun for you.

This is terrible for you. Yeah. On the count of, you know, what I look like and sound like. Yeah. I was out of breath before this started, so we can keep things moving along. We can wrap this up. I need you to know something about me. I could have skipped all this, and it would have been totally fine.

And I don't mean to insult you. You're very pretty, but I think there's something wrong with me, and I would probably just probably rather go home. Just keeping it a stack with you. I think I don't understand people very well. Yeah, I think you're all alone on that one. You're all looking at you like, who's the freak? Yeah.

I know you guys that are listening out there are getting crazy pussy from every... Every guy listening to this is getting sloppy head on an airport. lane right. Whenever people tell me they're coming like that. I've been trying to think of the grossest coming guy coming sounds I could produce because I've been alone today all day. I've been alone all day. Actually's been gone

and I'm going to be with nothing but the boys for the next 72 hours. So I've been kind of going a little crazy. So I was making myself laugh earlier because I was alone and I was like what's the grossest coming sound I could produce? And I just kept, I just just kept going, like that.

And to me, that's like Gilbert Godfried or perhaps Woody Allen or maybe even Alan Dershowitz. But like a, like that, like something like that, it's pretty gross. And it's hard for me to make this out because it makes me laugh. And it also makes me sick. Maybe another gross one would be like, oh, you know what I mean? Like a, oh, I don't know. Like a dad who doesn't want to have sex anymore. maybe he's tired so he's just like oh you know something like that

you feel free to come up with as many as you'd like as many as you can come up with in the next five seconds five I like it whenever you do uh girls like it whenever you don't make a noise at all oh yeah yeah that's that's walk out of the room I forgot about that they like it when you um take off as a secret do you take off your clothes and then just leave you just walk out the front door backwards Like the hit follows monster You take off all of her clothes

And then you take them and you run away She'll go out the window I'm the trickster I've been tricked I cannot be intimate with anyone So I steal their clothes You've been tricked by By Richard Keebler

I've been just a way You may be asking What's that name mean? It's just a normal name I'm rich from the cookies Oh, I get, I understand. Okay, I just thought you were making up a name of maybe an accountant that you knew. I didn't know. Kibbler is a British term for cobbler.

He sounded like a parrot just now. Me, take my dick. Give me, birdhead. Bird? Oh, suck my dick, I'm a parrot. I suck my little red dick, ma'am. I suck my dick, too, I'm a parrot. Just suck my dick, make me come, I'm a bird, bha.

Take me out of my cage and blow me. Then kill me after, please, man. Take me out of my cage and blow me and kill me, please. Ma! Making that your ringtone? Yeah, fuck. Oh, man. Take me out of my cage and blow me and kill me, please.

Right. Probably would have cracker and a blowjob and get killed with a hammer. Cracker to blowjob and a 50 vicarated and 10 beers, please. Ah, a gun, bah. I can't get a killed with a hammer. Hey, I'm telling Knoxville. This is get your dicks up. Get killed with a hammer.

This is going to hurt. This is really going to hurt when we crack his skull and kill him. One of the side character guys, like Dave England saying that. Yeah, this is really going to hurt when we crack his skull open and he dies in real life. At first, the skull cracking is really going to hurt. But then the hammer to the brain lights out instantly when we kill him. That's the, like the stunt coordinator, like the trusted cop that they have on it? The first few hits are just getting him down.

The next few, breaking up his skull. Then, Johnny with the punisher. Then we start. Final blow. Exploding the brain into a million pieces and killing him and selling. We start sucking his dick because he has to get his dick sucked first. You get a sick duck to dick on me like a doll. Dude, I've been listening to so much Freddy Gibbs.

And he fucking throws that ad lib in there. And it makes me laugh every time in a Pimpin. Oh, spitball. I was on a hole. A bunch of other words I can't say on a hoe. And then randomly like half a song and go, sick that dick call me like a dog. I'm like, are you

saying, who are you saying that? I think he's being a girl that he's fucking in the skit and then she's saying that. I'm pretty gives you, you're fucking me. If you're listening to the song and I'm coming. I got a prostate massager that acts based when you listen to the song makes me calm in my sleep.

I wake up wet and confused and hurting. Bac? Wow. I'm pretty gibbs. Besides my pussy. Massage my bird prostate. That kill me after that.

Oh, what a beautiful. Oh, my God. Is that a cockatiel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it know any of you words? It does, but it's, let's not. Keep it. Richard, keep it down.

Fuck me and kill me, rape me. Why come of me and kill me? Destroy me. Richard, come on. I'm sorry. He doesn't. He's... I can go in a nonstick pan next to me.

They can't fucking kill me. I haven't smiled in months. It's not really... Ah, nothing's helping. Just fuck me to kill me, right? My, my belongs in Jeff Reheps team. Leave no trace of my bones, right? It was all me all along.

Jeff, Jeff was innocent, bha. What I did. I black out sometimes, right. Guys were flying on me, bha. Uh, yeah, one Mr. Richard Keebler, the cockatiel. Yeah, we call you to the witness stand. Your Honor, the bird was present at Little St. James Island. So he's, as far as we know, he's the only, quote-unquote, witness that we have left reliable witness.

The bird has seen things, and he does talk. So if it would entertain the court, Your Honor, I would like to call Richard Kebler the cocktile to the stand. I know this is unconventional. Mr. Kebler, just try and answer the questions that I'm going to ask you. Okay, I know you're a bird. Here's a piece of cracker. Mr. Keebler, the cocktail. Did you ever witness Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump having sex with underage girls on Jeffrey Epstein's Island?

I don't care. Order, order. Sorry, no, this is not funny. It's not... Order. You don't get to say that, Richard. Richard? You don't get to say it. It's not... Upton, over. Watch it that.

Fuck me and kill me over. Fuck me and kill me. It's... Kill the jury. Richard. Richard. I'm sorry. Your Honor, I'm sorry. Rich, come on, man. You gotta fucking...

Richard. You can't say your own name. I guess you can't. Objection, I can't. Offer still on the table to fuck me and kill me, right? I'm guilty. I'm a... I'm... I'm... ...tribing. Bird traffic. A traffic to exit into a nest.

I've been a bad bird rat I fed birds worms You're supposed to do that Richard that's the normal thing for you I gave them The worms that you get parents Maybe fruit worms

Not real worms With flowers Flowers from berry You sound like Fat Joe right now Well parent The parents probably New specific worm

like from flowers or from tropical fruit worm with fruit you're saying it like a protestant worms with fruit oh man okay thank you

sorry thank you Richard for coming to the stand ain't no problem ain't no problem man I appreciate you ain't no problem man I gotta slide back to back to little St. James I got a few eggs to I gotta get some more human. I mean eggs in the nest.

Got some more human pussy I need to go get in here. I'm a trafficker of eggs than this. If you know what I mean and when I get them baby birds I bring them warmth from the fruit or wood or flower. Whatever kind of you give a pair. Whatever kind you give a motherfucker.

God damn. Yeah so stuff like that is probably pretty good and it's fun to laugh. Maybe not. Who knows? Who knows? It's not really for me to decide. Ah! My last will and testament.

You can give my cage to just about anybody. I don't care. You could give my ball to fucking anybody. I have to take my banana bread out of the oven. I'll be right back. All right, fine. Man. Resting heart rate, 58.

Yeah, we're chilling. For those of you who may be wondering, is that considered Brady Cardia? No, I'm a fucking athlete. I'm a goddamn athlete. I've been watching a lot of the punisher. It's fucking hilarious to talk like this. I've been calling everybody on the phone.

I'm just fucking telling them what time of the day. Let me tell you something. I'm gonna fucking... I didn't know John Bernthal was Jewish. Not that it matters! I thought that maybe he was like... You know, some guys are just... Some guys from New York just looked like an old wallet,

and I thought that maybe he was a part of that lineage. I actually don't even think he's from New York. I think he's probably from California. Or whatever. Who's a fuck, man. Um. Who's a, did you use a recipe for your banana bread, or are you just winging it?

I kind of used the recipe partially, but then the bananas were not as the right as they should have been. which I realize it's not just a sweetness thing but also a starch thing Yeah, it'll fuck the bread up real bad A little bit lumpy Yeah But I added some maple syrup Some vanilla egg

I added some I jazzed it up a little bit Because the recipe didn't have vanilla extract And I had that to pretty much Any baked goods That are sweet Oh, to round it out a little bit Yeah, just kind of

You know the way cookies smell? Yeah, yeah, yeah It just kind of makes it smell like that I haven't had a baked good in a long time because I'm taking the path of the warrior very seriously

but yeah I've been not very far fitness-wise this year I'm running almost every day nice but

somehow just eating that exact amount of calories still that's fine just kind of an uncle Iro type arc I'm on he's a badass motherfucker It's kind of an iron Refrigerator situation

I'm building up I can't I know my heart Is probably going to be working on something amazing Over the next few years Yeah yeah me too man My heart is going Oh thank you for this

Thank you for now working up to Around you know Three quarters of a gram of caffeine a day And probably three or four thousand calories a day and also a lot of running and also a lot of falling. Mm-hmm. A lot of falling. I think scratched and scraped a lot.

Where are you falling from? Different parts of trees onto other parts of trees mostly. Oh, you got like a goddamn Binturong, like a bear cat? No, it goes, man. Yeah, for sure. Honestly, when I take my shirt off, it looks like I've been having wild and crazy sex, and it's all just from bark. Bark related.

That's pretty funny. Yeah. Honestly, it looks like I've been fucking animals. It doesn't look like I've been having cool human sex. It's like I've been fucking raccoons and possums. That's pretty good. Believe me, if I had, I wouldn't be on this show. I'd be in heaven.

Yeah, I'd be an animal heaven. I'm gonna let me fuck other animals. I love having sex with birds, but. Because I am a raccoon. Oh, hey, what's up, man? How's it going? I'm Ligrobis, the carp, the raccoon. Hello.

Wait, what's your name? Ligrubis. Very cool to meet you, Lugrobus. No problem, and I teach sex to humans. Oh, very cool. I don't need any lessons. All right, first, I'm going to wrap my legs around you. Okay.

Wait, what? Now take your... Pull down your pants. All right, there you go. I know, fuck me. Right now, I'm Lugubis. I'm a male raccoon. You don't have to use my anus.

I have no vagina. Oh, fuck. Hello? Ugh! Lugrobus. A bear chick has left us for the time being. Oh, well. He'll be back.

But yeah, I'm really excited about this. A banana bread. Not really that excited, I guess. But I haven't been baking as much lately, and I'd like to try and get better at it. I'd like to be good at something at some point.

It just takes time. I guess it's the first half of your life is about it's just being okay and everything. And then you get older and you're pretty good at stuff, but then you're not really the same person anymore. So I feel as proud about it. Mr. Jake, Jacob Rhodes. But yeah, I mean,

Ben and Brett is one of those things. It's pretty entry-level if you guys are thinking about baking something. You know, as far as cookies are pretty easy. Cakes aren't too bad as long as you keep it simple. So far at least. And banana bread, it's so moist. You know, hard to mess that up.

I'm not sure where I want to go from here, though. I did a citrus cake a couple months ago. That was a little bit much. I tried to do a pomello cake. It was way too bitter. I used too much of the rind. so I'm just I'm thinking maybe like a

and also I'm doing everything gluten free so when you're doing what's up Jake we're still chilling my bad I think my internet went out so now I'm on my hot spot

my phone that's all good man we're still rolling we're still talking about banana bread right now swag thank you for funny if I was just dead silent that whole time then I lied to you

oh man dude I was actually people were probably I said you came back. Yeah. It was really funny. Yeah, man. But yeah, I was just doing

a thing where I was a raccoon making you have humans. Oh, Lagrobus, yeah. Okay, so. Yeah, but don't worry about that. I don't think we're going to pick that steam back up, to be honest. I was planning on rap and soon pretty early. Yeah, that's all right.

That's no problem. We can just do whatever the fuck we want in life kind of. Do you think, I mean, speaking of LeB. Le, do you think Leibb? Do you think Leibon James has ever had sex? with an animal. Hmm. Maybe that's what's given him his amazing

athletic powers. Would you have sex with a lion one time to be the greatest basketball player of all time? Yeah, that fuck yeah, dude, what? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, like, name an animal. Name the age of the animal.

I don't care. One year old baby. Okay, no. No. even though I think that happens in real life, I will say no. I will say human babies and no. But if I'm fucking an adult,

large cat, if, yeah, to be the best basketball player. One year old grown-up humor. No. No. No.

Yeah, no, no, no, no. No matter how you reword that is not going to work out. 40-year-old adult baby. Okay.

30 years old. Okay. Mentally deficient. Mentally a child. Um, probably, uh, to be what, to be the best basketball player?

I don't fuck with basketball. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what the opportunity. Okay. You have to do you. Not with the devil. Listen, devil. I'm not,

listen, the devil. I, I really appreciate you coming and give me the option. Can I just tell you what it is? Yeah, you can tell me the opportunity. It's, it's to be an assistant.

assistant manager at a Best Buy. No, I will not have sex with a mentally disabled. It looks like you answered yes. On the form? It looks like the position is no longer open, but you didn't answer yes. So you do have to do it. You won't be getting anything in return. That will purely, purely just for my...

Okay, to be the... I don't think I would... I don't care about basketball that much. I don't think I could taint my soul. I think I have a soul that if tainted, it would be very obvious because it's not that strong of a soul. Yeah, for sure. I don't think I have like an iron soul to begin with.

No, yeah, I don't. Yeah, so I think my soul would just be ruined very quickly. Yeah. And it would be disgusting to other people. They could see, you ever see somebody who looks like they're made of plastic because they've made so many evil decisions? Yeah, yeah, I've met. I've been in the presence of a couple people where I'm like, I, there's something

there's something very wrong with this for you. And I won't name any of them. But sometimes when I'm out. out and about doing shows and I encounter a specific, very successful comedian. I just don't understand. I'm like, yeah, you, you, they gave you, the, there was an altar and there was like a lot of, oh, ah, and you did it and whatever it was, it's bad, but I'm, um, I'm happy that you, that you had success.

I don't think I, I, I remember, I say I remember, sometimes when I think about if, like, You know, the whole Hollywood, like, you know, to be in it on the show, you got to take part in some kind of evil thing. I would be so mad if I did something horrendous. And then they did kind of go back on their deal. And you just end up being, like, in a show with Kat Von D. Like on CBS at, like, 1 p.m. on a Tuesday. You know what I mean? Like, you end up, you're acting for a living.

and you're making probably like I don't think Cat Von D is acting for a living I'm going to say that I'm mistaking her for another large-breasted goth woman whose name starts with cat. I think Cat Von Die is tattooing for a living. Two broke girls. What is the girl's name?

Cat. Cat Dennings. That's who I meant to say. Another large, I will not speak of such things Because I'm married But you have huge For lack of a better from tits

Nope Quite normal size actually I hate it when people Talk about When people talk about stuff like that And it's like They'll talk about like What if a sniper just blew them off

It's like when you bring stuff up like that Sounds like you hate women Yeah What if a sniper just blew those puppies clean off 50 cow Boom Sideways though Nope

No of course sideways Of course Yeah of course sideways Okay I got my sniper on that Giamati shit Uh Paul The actor It's too hot

I want to watch the holdovers Oh I love that movie That's a great movie That's a great bar Uh Thomas Hayden church is in it And he gets pussy from Sandra O

and it's a really great movie It's an awesome film. Oh, oh, Sandra, Oh, O'O, O'Reilly's. Actors. Fuck. Actors of sex. Actors, sex.

Oh, oh, oh, orgasm. Fucking. Fucking sex. Yow! Oh, oh, oh, orgasm. fucking sex. Hey, hey, the company's called

O'Reilly's. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just got off, I just got off a different job. I work, one of my other clients is his pussy. Oh, Oreos. Cookie snacks.

Was that the sound of some? Is that bite? Oh, I thought to sue someone's neck. Necks snapping. Um, oh, Claire seen. I can't wait to bite into one of these Oreos.

But first, a taste of the milk. Now for a bite of this chocolate crunchy cookie. Carlos, this is the best chocolate crunchy cookie I've ever had. Charles and Clarline. Or, or, just two characters in the Oreo franchise.

Oh, I got you. I got you, I got you, got you, got you, got you, got you. Yeah. Oh my God, dude, I can't wait to fucking... I have like a 6.30 a.m. fly under the name White Thomas. I'm just fucking praying that works out because... It'll work out. It'll be fine.

It'll work out. I looked into... It had been over 24 hours, and I was like, oh, what can I do? And the website was like, oh, you can... You got a non-refundable ticket? Yeah, you can just refund it. Yeah. And then buy a new one.

And I thought, well... Well, rats. Well, quack? What? I'm just going to fly it up. Dude, I wish you could fly for real, but you, not like a superhero, like, you had, like, a 38-foot wingspan. That's how I think long it would have to be to carry you. I don't know if that's...

Really? You think I would have to have 38 feet of arms to carry me? Well, a bird... I think I could do it with my current arms if I just had webbed elbows. No, no. Birds, like a big... Like a falcon can weigh like 10 pounds, but he's got wingspan of almost like five and a half feet, bro.

To the bird, that's crazy. So you'd have to have like 20 foot wings to carry like a 200-pound man. Now, if you had your current arm length, which is normal, and then wings attached to your lap muscles, I think you could get a nice glide going, but I don't think you're going to be doing any type of aggressive flight. Okay. I want to bet you $150,000.

Okay. By the end of this year, I will fly. Like of your own free will with your own wings? I'm going to fly. Okay. And I'm going to do it with webbed attachments onto my arms. Okay, got you. They will not exceed six feet.

Okay. All right. I heard 150 grand. And I'll prove it. I will jump off. Your house. I will jump off. My apartment building.

Of your apartment building. Which is not, it's only two stories, so. Right. But that means if I go forward and then hit the ground, it means I just needed more than two stories to get some wind going. Yeah, for a... If I can go more than 20 feet forward onto the concrete of your parking lot, that means I could fly because I caught a little bit of wind on my way down.

Maybe I can glide, you know? 100,000 and million percent, yes. God. Thank you guys for listening. White Thomas has a flight to catch and then I have to pack some bags because I'm picking White Thomas's white ass up

from the white ass airport at approximately 10 in the morning. Head on over to patreon.com slash Pendejo time and listen to that and subscribe to that. Thank you guys. It came to all of the shows. Thank you for coming to the Lemon Party shows. Thank you to the guy who I Had to kick out from the Houston show for getting mad at us for making fun or making for them for making fun Marvel.

I'm sorry you got mad about that. That's pretty funny to me though. Out of all the things said that night, you took the MCU roasting session to a pretty to heart and you were a normal, just a normal black guy. And you were a normal height and everything about you was normal. And as far as you. And your name was Devin Costa. And your name was Devin Costa. As far as other shows, just doing stand-up around town.

So if you won't ever want to see a show, just hit me up on Instagram. Jake Rhodes Comedy. Thomas, you got anything to plug? All right, guys, look at the calendar right now. Yep. So I don't have a calendar with me, but it should be the seventh right now. Yes. Add nine days to that, roughly.

Yep. And I've got a spot in Pottstown, Pennsylvania on a birthday show with Drew Montana and a bunch of other people. And that's the spot I have coming up. But if you can't make it to that one, I do understand there will probably be some other shows coming up as well. Because I do think most people kind of make their big break at birthday bashes. Yeah. looking forward to my material being received by people who don't know who I am. That always goes really well for me.

Yep. Yeah. And I believe. And I look forward to being very confident for the two weeks after that show. I think you probably do well, man. I think I'm going to re-enroll in high school. I think I got some things I need to fix. So I got to go look into that.

Thank you guys for listening to the show. We'll be back next week. Goodbye. Goodbye.