Pendejo Time - stacked n rackjed

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

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You can't have that. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. I guess nobody else. I mean, when I download the file, that's going to be the name of the file. But I guess it don't matter. Thomas? No. Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure. Jake is laid up right now. Dude, I'm fucking snug as a bug in a rug in a rug. When I got to the hotel, the here was on. And then they'll ask why, and they said in the winter, we only have the heat on in the whole building. So I was like, it might not be like a central heating type thing. It's not. It's like a 400 year old.

Like a radiator thing? Yeah, it's an old ass bill. It's not 40 years old. It's like 200 years old. That makes sense. Yeah. I'm stupid. And I was in a taxi on the way up here.

And I saw a bunch of statues of like Paul Revere. and Benjamin Franklin and I was like, oh, fuck. I kind of forgot this is kind of like one of the places, probably one of the most important places in American history. I was just texting you,

I opened the window because that's how you used to get, I texted the front desk, I said, how do I make it not 80 degrees in here? She said, open the window, I said, damn bit, okay. And I open the window

and I hear a homeless guy, he goes, you ain't got one dollar? you ain't got one dollar in all their pockets I'm like hell yeah I love Philly dude last time I was in Philly I watched a fucking

5 foot 2 probably 300 pound guy in a black fedora black fingerless gloves black sweater black pants and black boots throw an overhand perfect overhand right

directly into the forehead of a huge angry black woman Now, I'm not saying that I think he should have done that. I think he probably should have used his words, and he should have solved that problem in a different way, no doubt. But she did throw a chair at him first. So, and then she threw a second chair at him.

The punch did zero damage. Anyway, so that's, I keep, feel it, I've had two pretty exciting experiences. Nothing happens in Austin anymore except Jeff dies moving there, so I'm really excited to hang out with Jeff more and to see him more and maybe become his friend and maybe find out what he's so upset about all the time. Why he's so unhappy his life. I want to lick his teeth. Dude, he's 6'4. He probably gets mad puss, you think?

I don't have to think. I can imagine. I bet it feels so good when he's doing it. Wait, dude. For both of them. I bet this have a good experience together. I think he's got a big one? I bet it's meaty and vainy.

And taut. Yeah, I bet it's like... But when he gets a boner, it's smooth as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And red, I bet it's very red. I don't think red. I think it's probably pink. It's probably got one big vein.

The girl's like when it's red. The whole thing's red Like a dog's dick Red and pointy and like wet Yeah That's what I like to think about I never I never got into the habit of sending

Dick picks So I don't But it would be funny I almost said it would be funny I only send them to strangers Like if somebody follows me I don't know who it is I'll send one

Yeah That's nice. That's cool. Or like if I see somebody got married on Instagram or Facebook or something, or if I see somebody had a kid, I'll just pull, I'll just pull my zipper down on my jeans and poke the tip out and take a picture and send it to them. A soft big pick is pretty nuts. I mean, we used to send pictures of our asses to each other.

That kind of... Within a certain context. Yeah, I mean. Yes, of course, but like... With the way, it doesn't... What do you mean? I mean, to be fair to the audience... There's a way to do it in a business way that isn't like that.

Business, yeah, but yeah, it's all business between you and me. I'm a business man. Yeah, we're all business here. It's all good. Dude, I'm at war with a... With mice. You got a little one in the apartment. He don't belong there.

That's what you're telling me. Yeah, I was putting on my socks this morning, the look over. And there's a mouse. Big one, small one? Two feet from, I think it was a mouse. I thought you said two feet tall. I was like, bro, get out of the house. Two feet tall.

He's wearing my other socks. Stealing one of my cigarettes. No, he's like, so he's small. He's small mouse. He's a mouse. I think he's a mouse. and we look at each other for a minute and then he runs off

and I try to catch him with a jar but since he runs off he's gone forever Yeah for sure I completely have searched the whole room I've torn half the house apart I've even resorted to breaking down cardboard boxes Well you know you can get those

Cruelty-free traps I've got one of the evil ones right here with peanut butter on What do you mean? Oh, the snap traps? Oh, you got the holes? You want to see? Yeah, I took that.

All right, guys, we're going to do the Mousetrap Challenge live on the podcast. That's where you put your hand in it and see if it hurts. All right, guys, you ready? Yeah. Three, two, this is a big boy, too. It's going to snap your shit, dude. Three, two, one. Nothing.

Let's try another round. don't actually snap that shit on your shit it can't hurt me okay um oh okay no well yeah that's not too bad I got peanut butter all over myself

what's new ain't nothing dead nothing new and that's that's that's funny business right now probably looking real confused mouse is like hold on a second thought that was a trap why you keep using it recreationally When I had an infestation of mice and rats in my house,

we used the glue traps, and then I started feeling bad because I was throwing all the dead rat bodies in my neighbor's yard. You all know that? So I started buying the cruelty-free, so the rat mouse goes into the trap, but he can't get out. And so I would take the rat, the mouse or the rat out of the trap, and I would let it loose in the middle of the street. It probably just made its way back to my house because, we would leave all of our trash

just in the we would throw our trash in the middle of the kitchen and sometimes that included old food pizza boxes and stuff because Jay my roommate worked at Papa Johns and he would just leave like half-eaten pizzas just in the middle on the kitchen floor piles of them

because the city stopped taking our trash because we pissed the trash guys off because we tried to throw away a chair and I may have yelled at one of the drunk. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Sorry, chair can't go in here. It's a garbage truck, not his chair truck.

They were mad because I was like, when does the fucking heavy trash come? And they were like, once a month. And I was like, y'all can't take that? And they were like, no, we can't. And I was like, just put it in the fucking chomper. And they were like, no. This was like 12 years ago.

Anyway, they're probably fucking thinking about me right now. How hot I look. So, that's heavy trash! They were probably thinking about how hot I looked, how probably yellow my skin was, how fucking insane and fucking sexy I looked at probably 37 BMI. I don't think actually was that bad. I don't think I was ever 500 pounds.

What's, what, what, what, what BMI was I at if I was 6'1, 270? probably like 30, 32 maybe. Who gives a fuck? That doesn't, I know that shit matters no more. I'm going to change, man. I got to lose weight so I can go get fitted for my wedding suit. Okay. Who cares?

I don't want to be fucking chung. I put on weight, brother. I don't want to be fat in my fucking wedding pictures, dude. I've gained like... Just wear like a... This is wear like a... It's where spanks or something. Nah, dude.

I need to lock back in. You should get a bunch of surgery. trees. Well, I thought about getting on Zimp, but like, I'm, I don't think a doctor would approve it for me because I'm 6-1 and I'm like 190 right now. I'd like to, I want to be like, I want to get down to back down like 165. Yeah, you need to get on a g-lp1s. You are fucking really fat. I just, I don't look good anymore like how I, so I.

No, because you're fucking huge. You're too fat to look good. I walk her in the house And I'm like, I'm fat as fat as fucking actually is like, you are under 200 pounds and you're over six feet tall. She's like, I think you have like a serious problem.

And I was like, yeah, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about how fucking fat I am. And she's like, Jesus Christ. She's like, I can't,

she's like, well, I've been on that shit for three weeks and I haven't lost any weight. Yeah, but you keep telling me that you... I told you that one time. You told me one time, but it was so much food

that it feels like more than one time. You told me day one on Reddit. It has been more than one time. Wait, oh, so you have... I've been, look, it's up to this. It's their job. It's Redd's job. It's in God's hands now.

What if you're the one person that Reda makes them eat more? Like your body just straight up rejects the medicine? No, I just get a little bit car sick now, and I don't really enjoy anything. I don't even, I haven't really been eating candy. That's a good start. I tried to drink.

I drank a full calories Mountain Dew the other day, but that took some work. Yeah, I drank a Dr. Pepper on the airplane. I thought I was going to die. I've been on a pretty strict day. Did you drink any alcohol in the plane? No, dude, I did a sober flight, dog. Sober. No, it was fucking terrible.

There was bad. You didn't do it. No, you know, medicine either. No, no pills. No,

I don't, that makes it seem bad. None of my prescribed medicine. That's why I said medicine because I didn't want to be. Bro, you weren't barred out and drunk. That doesn't sound like you.

Fuck you, bitch. No, I didn't mean it like that. That's why I tried. Fuck you. Yeah. Well,

you weren't barred out and drunk on the plane. Holy shit, dude. Wow. Fucking ass. You were sober, just like all the kids on the plane. You weren't on a bunch of footballs

And Jack Daniels on the plane It's crazy No No I wanted to see if I could fly sober And I did it But I was scared the whole time When I was making noises And I was very clearly

Embarrassing myself Next to the guy sitting next to me Because I was going like Ah Oh man No And I was like shaking and shit I mean

I look like a huge pussy because I was being one. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Yeah, everybody was up probably talking about it. The pilot. This guy in row 31 is fucking making a scene. Yeah, I was very scared.

And but it's all right. You know, I made it through. No big deal. Didn't die. Nothing bad happened. There was some turbulence while I was going TT and I pissed on my joggers a little bit because of the turbulence.

But you know what? Sometimes you go piss on yourself on the airplanes. Yeah, I don't typically piss on airplanes anymore. What, any particular reason? Just don't feel like getting up. Oh, I feel that. Also, one time I forgot to lock it and a dude opened it and

looked at my weenie. I remember I didn't stop talking. We were just eye to eye. We were just right there with each other. I didn't stop talking to this friend specifically because of this. He'd kind of been pissing me off and doing the friend group dirty, but I think he listens to this show, so he will know who he is, but I won't tell to say his name.

I don't know if you've ever been talking to somebody. Like, it's a casual friend, not a close friend. Close friends get more leeway, but like an acquaintance, or maybe like a kind of a friend that tells you a story, something that they did. and it's not even like bad or like anything criminal but you just go I think I'm about done we were all hanging out in the living room

of the house one time and he was like yo dude every time I fly I jack off on the plane it's like a little it's like a little thing I do I jack off on the plane I was like what ha ha that's funny I thought he's joking he's like no once we get up to cruising bro like you know like the mile high club

and I was like yeah when you get pussy when you fuck like when you go and have sex in the bathroom of the plane. He's like, yeah, but it's like jacking off on a plane. Something in my mind, like a switch flip that I was like, oh, there are other transcriptions. Are in the bathroom of the plane or in the seat?

Just, you know, I just, he would go in the bathroom and whack off. And he said, oh, I just use the plane's Wi-Fi. And I'm like, bro, I'm pretty sure they can see. I think that's probably the most monitored Wi-Fi in the world is when you're on the plane. Which I guess, like, if you're just watching. Now it's probably watching porn too. Right, right. I guess it doesn't matter.

You're just jacking off the normal stuff, but like, I don't know. I just, I don't want people to. And my eyes, if your bus and went out in the bathroom and you got it locked in your, you're quick and you're silent. I've never done it before, but I'll grant some leeway there. If you're in the seat, they should throw you, they should throw you out of the plane while it's moving. Open the emergency. If you're trying to crank one out under a blanket, it's out, out of there.

Everybody dies. Don't even, no emergency plane is open the door. Yeah, stealth jerk. Yeah, yeah. The first time I heard the term stealth jerk was when I was in college. And a buddy of mine was telling me, it was, I went to a Jesuit university. And now there was a lot of private Catholic school kids there. and they were telling me,

oh, you never stealth jerked? And I was like, what? And they were like, oh, yeah, like when your buddies come over and you jack off under the blanket while you're all watching movies. And I was like, what are you fucking talking about? They're like, yeah, yeah,

like, y'all are watching Pineapple Express and you're like sitting in the living room and you want to jack off, but you don't want to leave, so you just jack off under the blanket. I was like, no. I was like, no. that I've never

That never happened I've never I've never considered that I've never I've never I mean it would be very funny to do it now at 30 something years old it would be funny to do that

like next time me and you were hanging out you just look over and I have a blanket over my legs for some reason like fucking FDR I wouldn't actually I actually wouldn't like that yeah you don't even like it when people fart in front of you can't imagine you like looking over and I have a blanket over my legs like I'm in a wheelchair and you're like what's up and I'm like

nah nothing nah I'm just cold yeah I beating my nasty pulling on my monster yeah squishing my nastina uh yeah squishing squishing on my fucking chicken waddle

my turkey waddle yeah I'm playing I'm playing frog with my sperm cells yeah they're trying to see which ones can get across my thigh which ones can get across my inner thigh all the way down to my Man, I fucking don't like looking at I don't like looking at J.D. Vance. Why not?

Jealous? I'm going to say something that people might not understand, but the ones that understand will understand. You know? I look at J.D. Vance as a guy who had a tough upbringing. And I think there's a certain type of person who has like a like a very traumatic life his whole life his whole young life is very tragic where you don't

really ever know you you don't ever know who you are you know what I mean and so you try on a lot of different personalities you know I as a younger man I did this where I was like I think I'm going to be this guy this guy seems like he could have a normal life and I picked the wrong one because I usually picked you know hunter at guy who reads too much hunter at Thompson or guy who reads too much Anthony Bourdain or you know guy who whatever but J.D. Vance is the vice president and he's like 44 and the personality that he's stuck on right now like if you read about his life and you read if he go back he's tried that he's had a bunch of different he's been a bunch of different things he was like a kind of a never Lincoln Project Republican he was

a kind of a liberal run-of-the-mill liberal guy he even claimed that he thought maybe he was gay and he told his grandma that he might be gay and she said, what do you want to start sucking cock? And he said no. And then he decided he wasn't gay because of that interaction with his grandmother. He wrote in a blog.

We've all been there, though. Yeah, yeah, for sure. He wrote in a blog, like in 2014, that he had a really good day at a baseball game, and he said that he felt like a woman that day, and he wasn't sure how he thought about that. And I just, the personality that you did,

decide on at 44 is like opus day Catholic like that's the that's the one you land on because I think we've talked about this when you hit a certain age you should whatever you should choose your last personality and that's who you are till you die like you can become a better or worse man but whatever personality whatever thing you're doing when you're like 29 that's got to be like the one you know what I mean like you can't It's weird when a 45-year-old guy starts wearing cowboy hats and he's never worn one. You know what I mean? Or when he starts, like, a 45-year-old guy starts dressing like Trent Resner from Ninus.

It's just weird. So, anyway, I don't know. I'm rambling. When a 45-year-old guy shows up at your apartment, he starts fucking you in the ass, make you come. I mean, if I'm coming, I'm having a good time. Yeah, if I'm coming. Well, in this case, you're not. Oh, well, the fuck, I don't like that.

I don't like that at all. All right, he'll stop. What was the point of him coming over in the first plane? He just wanted to get to know you. Company. He's just bored. He just wanted to company. It's Trent Reznor.

Yeah, Trent Reznor. Dude, I would hang out. I wouldn't let him fuck me, but I really like 90 snails. I would hang out with him as long as he wouldn't try to have sex with me. I'm too busy. I wouldn't care if he hit me up. I'm busy. I got work.

I got podcasts and stuff. I can't hang out with you. I can't hang out with you, Trent Resner from 9-ins-N-N-S-N-N-A-Ls. I guess you can come over for dinner and I'll just make more food than normal. I got work tomorrow. We can't party and do bull-crap together. We can't do bull-crap together. What kind of bull-crap?

He's thinking 60. I don't think he's doing too much these days. I don't care about music. What have you been listening to lately? Just the radio, if anything. but they took Ebro and Pete Rosenberg off the radio. I'm the only white person affected by that. I listened to the breakfast club with Laura Stiles,

Ebro in the morning and Pete Rosenberg every morning, or this every weekday for the last year and a half. And now it's the guy from Deezis and Mero. Oh, yeah. It's like the kid Mero or whatever. And it's cool. but, you know, it's just not the same because

white Jewish guy, black Jewish guy, and then non-Jewish black ladies a perfect combination of hosts. That is a good one. And they took that away. Now, did I agree or really listen to their opinions? Not really, but it was three different people, and that was nice.

I mean, you know, they'd have on DJ John, You know, there was just a lot going on But it's all good I mean Charlemagne's still on the air Somehow against all odds I think I forget what station he's on it's not a hot night seven Anyway

There's a lot of you know a lot of changes lately in media Yeah I uh I don't know if he still does it But I know that back in the day he would have a guy on Like a rapper and the rapper would be like yeah like it's crazy like you know like two years ago I was I was working the fucking friar at McDonald's and now like I got to go to my lawn next week

and Charlemagne would be like so I heard from somebody that you molested your sister and the guy would have to be like the guy would have to be like uh I don't so like why would you do something like that is probably one of my favorite tactics of any music journalist Not to say that it was morally right or wrong, it just made for a very compelling conversation. Now, who the hell will go and rape your sisters? Remember when he said that to logic? Yes. Who the hell going to rape your sisters?

I think he's like, whatever, I don't know if this is going to be a good comparison, but whatever's wrong with Nathan Fielder, I think is also wrong with Charlemagne. So he's just able to kind of be abrasive and for entertainment's sake and bizarre. to say bizarre things. Because asking that question, now who the hell would go on and rape your sisters is, you should be banned from the radio

for ever asking a question like that. You should be, now who would go on and blow your granny's head smooth off? Who would do something like it? Who would do? Or whenever he got his co-host a mold of his ass and the back of his balls? I forgot about that, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That type of shit. Like what's, what are you? The ass was crazy. And he got a skin tone matched. I remember. And the back of the balls was even weirder, though, because that was just so intimate.

Like, why wouldn't you lift up your balls for this so this doesn't end up in the cast? Man, that reminds me. There was this kid that lived across, not across from me, but like two dorms down when I was a freshman. He dropped out of college. God knows what he's up to. And I hope he's fucking five states away.

This was 2012. So, gooning existed, and people were doing it. But we would all hang out downstairs in, like, the little game room. And there was, like, a big TV, a ping pong table, and a foosball table, and, like, some couches or whatever. And me and Edgar, my roommate, she, Shout to my boy, Ed. We'd go down there and play ping pong.

And he would be down there on his switch or something. I forget his mobile handheld gaming system. And we would go outside and smoke and he would come out and he would start talking to us about porn stars. And he was one of those dudes that, like, if you know one porn star by name, I don't think that's weird. But if you know more than 10, you know what I mean? Like, you shouldn't be rattling off lists.

Anyway, he was like, I don't remember how we got on top of conversation. We were 18-year-old fucking boys, whatever. So, like, you know, probably not that hard. And he was like, you know, my favorite is a battle of danger. We were like, all right, yeah, cool, man. Yeah, she's pretty hot. He was like, did you know that you could buy, you could buy a fleshite that's a mold of her vagina?

And we were like, no, I didn't know you could do that. He was like, I bought one. and and she has one of her butt and I bought that too and me and Ed were like you ever you ever in a conversation with somebody who like can't physically hurt you but you're scared like I don't know how else to describe them the feeling like where you're like I know I could beat this guy in a fight

but I'm so scared it's like if you met a bear that was the same size as you same strength like same stats but he's yeah still a bear yeah yeah yeah He was like, yeah, so you could go on to a belt He like gave us the website I remember he's like abella danger dot fuck And you can get you can get a flesh like this Her pussy and you can get a known

That's her butt And I got both It uh Is Chris to get a butt mold Because it's got to be pretty similar Across the board That was what me and Ed were joking Because it's like first of all

I think a bud You get a mold of my ass probably be the same as her. I think it's the same, yeah. I mean, you know, maybe a couple of minor differences. But the fucking... Yeah, mine is probably deeper. Like something bigger.

The crazy thing to me is he, uh, he listened to like five-finger death punt. He listened to like, uh, the kind of, like, metal core that also has rap in it. That's like, uh, you know, There's a guy that's going viral on Instagram right now for making, like, corny metalcore rap. I can't think of his fucking name.

But he's like the co-worker music king. I think that's what people call him. Anyway, he would blast that shit from his room, like, and to the RA, he would have to come tell him to turn it down. And I just know he was in there listening to five-finger death punch or, like, he'll switch and gauge, just stacking the fake pussy and fake butt and going to town on it. I just know. because he just

he yeah switching him up hitting him from the side the front probably he's eating one he's figuring one he's looking the other

yeah he's eating it out too but he was he was one of those guys where you're like you meet you meet one per year between the ages of like 16 and 24 you meet a guy that's so horny

that you're like you haven't committed any crimes that I know of but I think preemptively we should throw you in prison like I just think preemptively for the good of society

we should throw you the goddamn jail. Lock your ass down for good. Cartons. It's fucked up to buy, I don't know, I'm stuck on that, it's fucked up to buy a pussy mold. It's beyond reproach. It's stupid to buy a butt.

That's just not smart spending. Financially, stupid, yeah. Because what if they send you the wrong one? How would you even know for any of those? That's what I'm, What if they just send you a different lady? Or just a normal fleshlight that's like a little bit different. It's probably just an Indonesian man's ass mold.

Right? Like how all the men are like... If I'm the manufacturer, I'm looking to save some bucks. I'm going to say, hey, ladies, what if, you know, you get 50K for this and we don't have to actually take a mold of you because... Yeah. There's no way to do that that doesn't feel... that I could go home and talk to my wife

after this feels like holocaust stuff yeah it's so so hey ladies you're like the you're like the browser's P and R guy PR guy hey ladies don't worry

you're all going to get a great brand deal we actually got a Chinese guy's throat for the pussy tube and we got an Indonesian guy's ass for the butt tube so all you need to do is attach your name to this and that you'll be good to go. Anyway, yeah.

It's like the guy, were you the one who told me about the guy who bought the Bella Delphine ladies Bathwater and then he like tested it medically for skin cells? Oh yeah, he ran it through a mass spec and there wasn't

any, uh, wasn't any skin cells in there and so he like tried to sue the company or like the company like I think whatever entertainment management company was run like her agency or whatever. He tried to sue because he had like a mass spec at his house and he ran it through a centerfuge

and it came back as like water and like some perfume and stuff but no skin cells so he was like it's impossible for any bathwater to not contain at least a certain concentration of skin cells and I don't know I think he actually may have won in civil like a civil suit which is crazy

that the judge that has to preside over that case they got judge Steve Hart Harvey for that one. Yeah. Oh, hell no. Let me, you may present your evidence to the case.

My, uh, your honor, Steve Harvey, my client purchased Bell Delphine bathwater. He's an amateur chemist. He holds a master's degree

in chemistry from the University of Sydney. Um, he ran the bath water through a mass spectrometer. Your honor, uh, if I may explain a mass spectrometer, uh,

uses a centrifuge to, to separate, um, all contaminants. or chemicals from a substance to determine their concentration. He found that there was obviously water, some Chanel number nine perfume, but no dead skin cells, which led my client to believe that he had been scammed

because the purpose of the bathwater is to have a piece of Mrs. Delphine's DNA. Uh. His mustache is quivering. Oh. Now, what the hell? You mean to tell me I'm a judge. He has all the same reason this one. Now where the hell am I?

He's got shot with a rubber grenade. Who are all these beautiful white folks? What the hell? How old am I? I am fully black. Oh my God. One side of my hand is black. The other's white

What the hell I've been doing gymnastics I'm full of black I got seven viz song What's the hell How the hell I get this mini viz song I didn't know that a family Two bowler hats

When he was a young Upercowing comedian a family took him in Because he was homeless They're like He was an adult and they took him in, which is nice. But it adds a kind of... When I heard that story,

I thought it was funny. I didn't think it was wholesome. Because I'm imagining a young Steve Harvey, like, you take young Steve Harvey in and I was like, when I heard the story, I was like, oh, when he was like 12? No, he was like in his late 20s. That would be like if somebody were to adopt you.

I would love that shit. I would use Binky. I was sleeping in a crib. Yeah. I'd wear diapies again. My aunt. I'd learn how to talk. I'd immediately start acting a baby again.

I'd need to change my poopies and stuff. I'd start eating baby food like corn. Whatever you feed babies. Yellow. Yellow slime. Feed him yellow slime and red. Oh, yeah. Man, it's so exciting to think about stuff like that.

Wow. I was trying to hate whenever parents are like, oh my God. Like, look. It's just like The baby's eating like green paste Uh yeah Well It's all red

It's a red baby Not really Usually when a baby's red it drinks milky Mm-hmm And then whenever a baby turns to white Or whatever Blue Whatever color you know

Typically along that patth You'll start to see pieces of food being eaten Yeah Yeah It's still so stupid With me The baby Newborns can't

drink water. Yeah, I don't. I get it, I get it, but, like, I understand medically

why they can't, but it's so silly. They can't have honey either. Yeah, I'm crazy with honey, though, it was done like, like most diets

are honey based. It's like, but like if I just saw a baby that somebody left on the ground or whatever, and I picked it up like, oh my God, let me meet its immediate needs.

I'd be like, all right, some milk and maybe a little bit of water or something, you know what I mean? Me and Ashley sometimes will like, you know, we float the conversation around. You know, I think to myself, like, man, I would like to do it right, you know.

I think maybe, you know, maybe I could be a good dad. And then we'll go hang out with her friends to have kids. And they just had a newborn. I think she's like four months old. And the newborn has pooped. And it's gotten. what's called a blowout where the shit comes out of every square

inch of the diaper and goes up her back and gets into the back of her neck. And you kind of have to pressure wash the baby after that. You don't pressure wash it, but you've got to kind of wash the whole baby. I think it's probably kind of like having like a high-maintenance animal

where it's like, oh yeah, I put all this work in this, but there's just something about it, you know, where I like it. and I'll keep on doing it you know especially if it's your blood or whatever

you know I get it I just don't man imagine cleaning up like a bunch of I don't feel compelled to serve in that regard I also I'm not at a

I mean I'm at the age where it would make sense but I'm definitely not at the stage where I'm like yeah that sounds good I really like going to hotels and eating fucking smash buggers. Yeah, maybe in you, you know, a lot of people are having kids in their 50s and 60s

now. It might be the move for you. 30 more years? Hell yeah. Yep. Hell yeah. All right. Time to fire the old tank up.

See how many fucking blanks. Are you ready to bear my multiple children? Let's not. I die. Time to bear my seed. If I ever said that to Ashley, she'd probably punch me. Time to,

it's time to be my, my mayor. my bear it's time brood mare it's time to breed it's time to breed

it's time to breed it's time to to breed time to breed baby yeah oh man things have been going really great

me and my lady we've been trying to breed lately so yeah I don't even like saying that it's a joke

that's really disgusting well whenever yeah whenever your friends like we're trying for a kid you're like

yeah it would be funny to phrase it differently yeah Oh, yeah, I bet you're blowing that out. I don't know. Yeah, they never let you ask follow-up questions.

Okay, do you guys do any, like, anal ejaculations? What the fuck is an anal ejaculation? What is that? No, I was talking to somebody else in that conversation. Oh, but I'm not somebody else. The word improv. What the fuck is an anal ejaculation? That's where he goes into it and never comes out.

Oh, you put it in a box. You have to absorb it. You put tape. over it. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I wish I could get a colostomy bag for jizz where it just comes out into a bag. I have a hole in my stomach

and whatever I produce semen just goes into that bag and I can throw it away. Yeah, I don't particularly... But I would want them to cut a big hole in my stomach to make it. Yeah. Rather than a vasectomy. Okay.

And then I could, when I could stand in school zones when people were speeding out, throw the big bag of cum on their windshields. Like a week's worth. And my shit would look like, I feel like if I collected it, my shit would look like

whenever you got a head gasket leak and you drain the oil. Whatever, you fucked up the transmission and shit. You got little pieces of gears in there. It's like red. Yeah. The red transmission?

Yeah, it looks like a big red float. I was thinking of like when you get oil in the coop. It's like a chocolatey moosey type Yeah You know that that would be good too Chocolate moosey Chocolate moosey

Oh that just sounds good Chocolate moose Dude I might go downstairs and get a dessert That would be pretty nice I think we're gonna stop at like an Amish place On the way over It's a pretty drive Yeah

I'm hoping they If I get to actually drive a Bronco I'm gonna be kind of pumped I'm gonna feel like a fucking rich kid Are you, uh, I was going to ask so you think they might give you the bronc? I rented a, it's a specialty medium utility vehicle. It'll be a Ford Bronco or similar. But I'm getting there at like seven in the morning.

So I'm really hoping it's just the one that I picked out. Are you getting a Saturday at seven? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'll get in. I'll get in before lunch. Yeah, the fucking Austin was, they were like a flight flight. are at risks of being delayed or canceled.

But they let me change my shit for free. The hotel hooked it up, so. Yay. Didn't need that costing too much. Yeah. I was worried I would have to just do the show all by myself and basically just bring the fucking house down. People would be so pissed if I improvised an hour.

Could you imagine that? They like it when you do that stuff. Oh, they would love it. They would love it in this context. Because I would just do food parodies. Yeah. For the other 30 minutes. Yeah.

I've got one that I've really been enjoying. Come on. Let's hear. Old man by Neil Young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old ham, look at my knife. I'm a lot like food were. Very good.

Old ham, cooked with fried rice, tastes a lot like foods were. Nice. Old ham's, look at my knife. on my fork and there's still much more what a nice amazing gaures of ham and ricey food

very good buzz balls um peat penis stars that's 25 and there's a piece of ham

Piece of Hairman is on my hand It's time to give to you Mm-hmm Yeah Ding Damn Take a look at my

Slice It's a lot like food I think Something is done In the oven for you I know Turkey is nice But it's ham for you

delicious cooking slice and it's all done too delicious cooking slice. So, figure 30 minutes or so that should have the house rolling. Rolling, boss, yeah. Yeah, we sold the show out. It's not a big deal. Big deal happens every time and always has us, basically.

Yeah, we always sell her out big time. Easy to get used to because it's always happened. Yeah, dick time, baby. What was I going to say? Oh, these hotels got little kitchens in them. They're like little fucking apartments. Oh, is it like the suite or whatever? Yeah.

Nice. I got the king suite, which is... Me too. It sounds fancy. It's the same price as all the other rooms. Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah, I got the same one. No big deal.

Damn, the window. I let the winder open. How cold is it, this motherfucker? 62? Yes, sir. That's how I like it. Fuck yeah. For those of you who are across the pond, that is in Fahrenheit.

That is not in Celsius. What about the fuck? Oh, my God. What is Kelvin? Kelvin is really for a scientific measure from what I actually. Yeah, Kelvin. Kelvin starts at very, at very, It's like negative, like, some very significant negative temperatures that wouldn't really be realistic for.

Oh, absolute thermodynamic temperature. So it wouldn't make sense for me to use. Where zero, absolute zero is the point of no thermal energy. It's based, it's like you can use Celsius. Calculate Kevin from what? Kevin. Jesus Christ. Water freezes at 273 degrees Kelvin.

62 degrees Fahrenheit is between 16 and 17 degrees Celsius Okay It's true Yeah that's nice That's a nice day This has been the weather report

From Jake and Thomas Cracking up all the big black weather On your big ass Yeah Pieces of big pieces of weather Coming right down the pipe This weekend

White ass cheeks run for cover we got a big Jake Nato and a Tomahane headed for the fucking coasts I love it dude I wish you did drugs

I'd call you Tomicane all time so Tomicane's here and that would be you using all the Patreon money to buy to buy below oh god I wish I wish I was cool enough to do cocaine but I'm really fundamentally not

yeah my body's changed I can't do it anymore no I never was I was never cool enough to do it and not freak out. I have a freak out mind. Oh, yeah. I feel like I kind of become by default like a, I don't want to say I become a father figure in bar scenarios,

but I become a, yeah, I'll loop back around to being responsible sometimes. Interesting. But it depends on how much I've been drinking. but if I have just a few, I don't know, if I have a few beers and I'm pacing myself, I've become very careful, very careful. Interesting. Yeah. But then if I have about 15 more, no longer careful. Now we're throwing our keys in the lake.

Now we are on all fours. That story that you told me of you waking up in the trunk of your own car. It's so fucking, I think about it all the time. It's so fucking funny to me. and honestly man it's a pretty good night yeah that's the that's the thing that I have a hard time

explaining to Ashley and like other people where you tell some story that sounds like a Cohen Brothers movie scene and you go honestly it was some of the hardest laughs and best time that I ever had in my like it was very fun because it was a good night

and they're like you woke up in the trunk of your car and you threw your keys of the lake and I'm like yeah everything before that though was like magic genuinely magic Like it felt, I felt in tune with the universe in a way that I don't feel, you know, sober or whatever the fuck. Old man, take a look at my spice. Paprika salt and it's very nice.

Old Ford, look at my pleb. I'm a lot like... Chud. What's in it? Clav. The... Clavicular? old

Ford Look at my life I'm a lot like clavicular I watched a video Of him hanging out with the tape brothers That's fucking orgasmic He's so electric in those rooms

He's 20 years old He's hanging out with A bunch of 40-year-old sex trafficking rapists, and he's asking them about dating advice. And there's no better dating advice. Listen, I'm just speaking as a guy who's happily engaged, seem to be married, long-term relationship, great partnership.

There's no better people to ask for dating advice than guys who are currently being investigated for rape and sex trafficking. they know exactly exactly the keys to success in a relationship was exactly the type of people you ask yeah the last people you want to ask are married people

engaged people anybody like that because those are the people who got trapped by random random hos hos yeah random foids huzz

yeah yo the huzz are here not by fine shit by mid shit by a fucking little shit or low-tier shit or whatever low-tier shit yo when fine shit coming to the club and I'm yanking on my monster till it produces goo

yes my gangreness monster yo when fine shit come to the club with all of her friends and I'm low-key in the middle of the dance floor yanking on my fucking shit till it produces yellow when fine shit leaves swiftly

with me and I can produce my yellow slime into her folds into her thorax and shed my yellow crispy skin carapass

leave my crispy skin in her dorm room and fly out the window when fine shit low key lets you shed at her place uh... molting at

fine shit's place and leaving your skin for the huzz to share yeah that's that good shit when shoddy's sucking on you so good she forget you a wasp she forget you're a dirt

dober yeah shoddy got your shit so slob'd on she forget you're a mud wasp dude do you I remember my granddad grandpaws are always the guy that give you the low down on all the he's like now dirt dobers

don't sting red wasp stings carpenter bees do not sting my grandma got bit by a bunch brown recluse and didn't die. And that's when I was like, damn. I don't think... I think people in my family are, like, cursed to live, like, a long...

Can you die for a brown recluse? Fuck, yeah. Especially when you're old. My grandma was old as fuck. She got bit, like, two times by brown recluse on her stomach. And it just, like, fucking, like, her skin, like, started to rot off. And we were, like, meanwhile, go to the fucking hospital, and she was like, I know, I've been bitten by all kinds of...

Bugs. We were like fucking... Yeah, because somebody was eating it right. Got rid of that shit.

Sucked it out of her. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yep. Somebody was... Somebody knocked that poison loose. Somebody knocked that poison loose. Yeah, keep going.

No, I don't stop now. Had a ninth leg up in there. Mm-hmm. Yep. Spiders penis? Yep.

Yep. Yeah. Okay. Just fine. That's fine. No, but we had something similar happen. What was that? My uncle Munchkin, he got caught in a big black widow's web, and it basically wrote it to his face until...

Rode his face till spider orgasm? Yeah, still spideagasm, yeah. And he planted human seed into that black widow producing webkins. Webkins, nice. Yeah, not like the online phenomenon. But like people. Yeah, webkins are people and the online phenomenon was created to help distract us from the fact

that you can use a spider for your seed, producing plenty of meat-worthy spiedettes. Meat-worthy. So you eat the offspring? Yep. They don't have souls. Oh, they're not in-souled. Yeah, they browned down, soul.

otherwise. Okay, so that's fine. Yeah, I believe in getting bitten and stung, honestly. I feel like that's how you know that you have still got it, as I say. It's got to suck to get killed by like a snake or a spider, though.

You got to feel like a dumb ass the whole time. I know that my uncle got bit by a rattlesnake and he got fucked up pretty good. That's one of those animals where if that fucks you up, I feel like nobody can't really call you a pussy, you know what I mean? It's like, well, yeah.

No, but if you get got by like a fucking moccasin, like one of the lesser venomous snakes, you know what I mean? Actually, I think moxins are pretty fucked up. Maybe I'm putting up. Copperhead, the other one? There's one that's like venomous, but it's not crazy.

If you get got by it, I don't remember. I think what copper is, if you get by a baby copperhead, that's real bad, but the same with all the vipers. Yeah, yeah. and then my uncle's buddy got fucked up pretty bad by Scorpion.

It wasn't like one of the normal ones. It was like one of the death walkers or whatever the fuck they're called. They're like the... Oh, damn. His hand almost fell off. It was pretty fucked up. Yeah, I heard about a family friend

who fell off a boat, like a speedboat or whatever, onto like a mating ball of water moccans. What? It died from that. Like a whole writhing mass? Yeah. No.

Yeah, it's got bit like, you know, like dozens of times obviously and died from that. Holy fucking shit. What? That is like the worst look. Yeah. That's crazy. So he falls off a speedboat directly into like a writhing mass. This is directly on to all the snakes, yeah.

You know, this was like around, had to be around Houston, I guess. not that I think about it. My uncle's friend Catfish, I've talked about a little bit on here. He was a, he worked with my dad and my uncle. He's just like a shit kicker from Baton Rouge. It would come to Texas sometimes to work,

turn around work. He was a noodler. That was like one of his hobbies back. Yeah. And he was telling my dad and I overheard the story. He was like, I think my dad or maybe one of the kids asked him like how do you what if it's a snapping turtle and he was like oh well you know it is kind of a gamble but catfish holes are smaller

than alligator snapping turtle holes so you don't really be reaching in anything too big you try to anything about arms width and length is probably going to be a catfish Sometimes it's a moccasin But usually it's gonna be a catfish But he fucking reached into a fucking To get a big catfish And fucking got his A big chunk of his arm meat

Yanked out by a massive Fucking alligator snapper turtle dude He just he said he lit my uncle said he lifted his arm out of the water And there was just a huge chunk of his arm meat gone So he had this big fucking scar That was just like part of his Like his forearm muscle was just disappeared.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And I was like, I remember as a kid thinking like, I think I asked my dad, I was like, did he stop noodling after that? He's like, no, all he does is fucking weld and noodle. That's it. For those of you not in the know, noodling is something you do. It's a type of fishing where you go into murky, brackish water, usually in the Mississippi

Delta, Louisiana somewhere, and you jam your whole ass fist into like a dead log that's submerged and the catfish thinks that your hand is something it can eat so it bites the fuck out of your hand but catfish although they have kind of strong muscles in their mouths they don't really have teeth so it just squeezes the fuck out and you pull it out and you kill it and you eat it uh that's called noodling and uh yeah he did that shit and he almost got his arm

ripped the fuck off by and it was a kind of an adolescent snapping turtle too so they said it wasn't super big because some of them can get to be up like 150 pounds. They'll take your whole fucking hand off. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good on that. Yeah, dude. I remember when I was a kid,

because it would be on the, like, the A&E and those channels growing up, whatever, like Doug Dynasty and all that shit was popular. I was like, dude, when I get old, when I'm a grown man, I'm going to be doing that shit. And now I'm like, dude, you could not catch me dead doing that shit. You know how fucking pissing my black, coworkers would be at me if I showed it with part of my arm missing because I went noodling.

They'd be like, you know how long we've been trying to teach you how to be normal? He'd go and do some white people shit like this. That's some shit that they would make up about white people, but we actually do that shit. Well, that is stuff that, like, I'm white, and then you hear, like, we've talked about this before, but, like, you're white, and you hear, you hear white people do stuff when you go, okay. I'm, why I'm not. That is white. That would be, that would make sense if they didn't. have fishing pole technology

it's not fucking hard to catch catfish does it make your line as long as whatever the fucking bottom of that body of water is and you put you can fucking fucking put a cheese it on the end of your fucking line

they're so stupid yeah they're dumb they literally are barely and they're all 600 pounds it doesn't what the fuck it literally makes more sense to do like a no loads refuse cum dump than the noodle like yeah I don't know about that with big balls

literally no literally I would rather take a hundred loads in the asshole 100 raw loads if that's my only two options fuck I hate even having to think about this but okay I guess I'll entertain it yeah I guess I'll do it

what do you do after you take a hundred raw loads bro you probably are on insane amounts of drugs and you probably take a horrible shit and then you go smoke about half a pack of

NXTs out in front of the hotel lobby. I take a horrible shit get some water smoke some cigarettes probably won't have much of an appetite but I imagine the next day maybe a little diner little diner action

maybe you go in a duster or something over to the diner you get some hash browns and shit I don't know man I have to imagine like I feel pretty bad when I wake up with a bad hangover you know what I mean

but imagine you're hungover as fuck and also a hundred guys just ran a train on me like goddamn too and by the way you already there's probably people showing up in the morning too because you just put that shit

maybe they put a time limit on it but you put your address out on those sites and shit like Yeah well I think it's like Or do you get a different hotel room to sleep in? No I know I know it's a hotel I'm saying You probably are sleeping in that hotel right Oh yeah good point

You sleep in there and it smells like a hundred Fucking naked guys's asses and balls Like it smells bad in there There's no clean part of the room anymore Fuck Yeah Like the pillows You're gonna get at

you're going to break out and stuff. They're not doing their skincare routines right after that. I can probably tell you that. Yeah, no doubt. I would want to go through an industrial car wash right after. I don't particularly feel, I mean, this is probably like some sort of repression, religious thing, but I feel dirty after I jack off. You know what I mean?

I feel dirty after a normal. Day of, you know, whatever. I don't, I can't imagine how I would feel spiritually. After a hundred guys. Blue a bunch of ropes inside my book. I feel awesome. Who knows? We'll never know.

But it might feel awesome. It might feel awesome. Hello, everybody. If it didn't feel awesome, people wouldn't be doing it. That's true. That's 100% true. Yep. Uh, hey, everybody.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for selling out Philly. It's an incredible opportunity, so I'm very grateful of you guys. Yeah. Honestly, we don't even care if you guys show up. We just wanted your money.

That's not true. I love hanging out with you guys. We won't be hanging out after the show, so don't try and fucking bother us. Don't even try and bother us. We've gone Hollywood. Yeah, we've gone Hollywood, and we make enough money to do that.

I'm renting a, I'm hopefully, rent i'm renting either fort bronco or maybe a key of soul this weekend so you guys are not trying to fuck with me anymore bro i got i'm gonna i gotta fucking start i'm gonna start following brace belden around town i didn't know they make 200 thousand dollars a month

i didn't know brace belden if you're listening i'm a huge fan and i think i'm i have to write an article uh for your newsletter um but uh i i have i'm gonna try to rob you at some point brace just just let's just i don't think I don't think I could rob you. There's something very,

there's something unsettling about you. Yeah. I bet a guy who makes $200,000 a month is probably listening to this podcast. I think he does listen to this show. I don't know. Whenever I tell people I listen to their podcasts, can I tell you something, Jake?

I'm usually lying. That's a good point. I don't listen to anybody's podcast. Sometimes I'll turn it on for about two minutes and I'll check it out. check it out. Yeah. And I'll say,

I checked out your recent episode and I enjoyed it. That'll be true. But I don't, I don't, um, I don't really like

this format in terms of listening. I like, I like yapping. Yeah, yeah, but it feels weird whenever I know somebody

and then I try and listen to their podcast and then it just feels like I'm being a creep. Uh, I see what you mean. You know what I mean? Yeah,

yeah, I feel what you mean. Um, but anyway, I know this is late, uh, I don't got any spots coming up after Philly. I have to, I got to take a little break.

And I got to get my house in order. And by that, I mean, I got to chill out a little bit. But we got to start reading some Zinn books. Anyway, thanks for selling the show out. We're super excited. We're see you guys Saturday. Listen to drunk, uncle. Follow us Padeo Time Worldwide on Instagram.

road's comedy on Instagram Leno Killer on Instagram And subscribe to the Patreon Patreon. Patreon.com slash Pendejo time Please sub to the show. Thank you guys. So much. Bye-bye.

Bye.