Pendejo Time - Stephen Coldbeer

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

Stephen cmon    support the show  buy tickets to live shows  Subscribe to the YouTube.   

That's perfect. What a perfect little baby. It's so white and bald. What'd you name it? My baby. Yeah. No, that's his name. Your name of your baby is My Baby? His name is My Baby.

My baby white. We almost named him my sugar. Oh, very pretty. After the band. My baby, my sugar white. What a beautiful name. What's your baby named? Leonard.

Leonard. Leonard. Leonard the baby. Is he named after Leonard Cassowary? Yeah, Leonard Skin Leonard. Leonard the baby. Is he named after Leonard Cassowary? Mm-hmm. Yeah, Leonard Skinner. College student. The what?

The college student, Leonard Cassowary. I thought you said the colored student. I was like, OK, we don't have to. No. We don't have to play. That was what you said. You said those words, not me. No. College to me has nothing to do with race. No matter who they're admitting nowadays.

Correct. That's 100% correct. Hello everybody. Welcome to Pendejo Time. And we've got another wonderful free episode for you here today. A lot of stuff in the news. Let's rock! Let's rock. And we've got another wonderful free episode for you here today, a lot of stuff in the news. Let's rock.

Let's rock. They've got Barack Obama dead to. That's how we get into it. Go ahead. What? I was saying continue with the let's rock segment, which is a new segment I started without telling you.

It's where I say, Let's Rock and then you say, you normally say Rock and Roll related news, but keep on going with the Rock. Yeah, Let's Rock Obama, anything Obama related news. In Obama related news, Hunter Biden goes on a massive and wonderful monologue about the wonders of crack cocaine. And he spoke with such a great and intense passionologue about the wonders of crack cocaine. And he spoke with such a great and intense passion when he talked about crack cocaine that I honestly felt bad for him in the sense that he seems to really, really, really like crack.

Because normally, I've talked to people who've smoked crack before and they're like, it's pretty good. It's easy to get addicted to it. It makes things fun. You jack off a lot. But Hunter was talking about crack like the way Orson Welles would talk about movies. Made me feel good.

It made me sad. It made me feel good. Very clearly, Hunter Biden doesn't just love crack in the sense that it's an addicting drug and it makes him feel awesome and he can jack off a lot and have sex with a lot of prostitutes. He loves the idea of crack cocaine.

He loves the ritual of crack cocaine. He loves making crack, and he loves smoking it, and he likes being high from it. But he also loves the idea of it. It made me kind of, it inspired me a little bit. And I'm not even kidding. I like it when people speak passionately about things that they care about.

You know, you got a friend who's really into cars and he tells you about his shit box and you're like, man, you really love that thing. Made me feel nice. And then other let's rock a Barack Obama related news. Donald Trump is going after Barack Obama with the intent to arrest him. Yeah, I think he's going to arrest him for having a little too much swagger and a little too much class. Uh, your honor?

Yes. The plaintiff does read. The defendant has now been read guilty on one count of wearing a tan suit. Thomas, seeing as they're going to get rid of the fucking Stephen Colbert, I was wondering if you wanted to try out some of those monologue auditions that you've been working on, those late night monologues that I know that you told me that you've been writing.

Oh, I would like that. And they'll still share and compare. They'll still share, follow the shadow in comparison. I know, the great one. Shallow in comparison. Mm-hmm. That's the phrase, yes. So let's, I would like... I can't...

You tried really hard. ... Pale. They'll still pale in comparison. They'll still pillow in... God, fuck. Hank... They'll still pair in comparison. Hank, that's enough, brother. They heard learned they heard the pale in comparison to the master

Or shall I say mass day? Colbert Hank goddamn brother they heard you the first time quit fucking funny He's probably he probably has a better life than we will Hank like sold out and stuff. Oh, Stephen Colbert? No, Stephen Colbert. He was probably funnier in his prime than, you know.

Now, we don't have to think like that. But yeah, we can. You said that you had a few. No, I said that you had a few monologues. Right. And I wanted you to read them because I think we should put together a pitch deck to replace Stephen. So I brought the jazz band to get you started.

You know how it always starts off with kind of like an introduction and a monologue and then you get into the punchy one-liner so let me just let me just get the band up and you you you read that that introduction you were working so hard on this isn't like this band's kind of ambient kind of an ambient house band hold on let me let me let me see me I gotta find the band they They were around here somewhere. This is a bit is Ryan Eno. It's Brian Eno's nephew and he makes actually great music.

He's just. There you go. Well, welcome one and all to the Jake and Thomas extravaganza. Yeah, a lot of news in the week this week. the his past away due to death a horrible disease of Parkinson's riddling his body and destroying him from the inside yeah yeah he was on a crazy train crazy yeah he's crazy the doctors can't be trained to do more about that horrible disease all right also this week in the news uh Panama Panama is in the news this week in the news Panama Panama's in the news this week and

I think we can all guess why Panama's in the news in Panama this week They declared an emergency over banana region unrest Banana emergency inrest. Ffff. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Banana Emergency in Panama. Oh, looks like that was last month. Okay, can we give me another song? I'll try again.

Yeah, of course, man, no problem. This is just us, this episode is us working out our stuff. Okay, perfect. To get on the new late show. We have the opportunity. We have a great opportunity here. I don't want to mess it up. That's not it.

and we're back with jay and thomas night show every night trump announces a trip where you'll find amazing talk and fantastic guests here tonight we've got let's see david spade Here tonight, we've got, let's see, David Spade, James Spader, Charles Spademan, Spady, Dr. Spademan, Alex Spadle,

the Knight of the Spades, only here with Jake and Thomas. The first two are celebrities the rest are people I found on Facebook. This is going to be a hell of a night guys. Oh my god. Believe it or not, we have James Spader and David Spade as the first two. Afterwards, no celebrities. Afterwards, just guys that we found from Facebook hanging out at the playground. Stay tuned for the first 12 minutes for an amazing first 12 minutes of the show. Dr. Spademan's here, a low-level dentist in a strip mall in Iowa. Dr. Spademan.

Hello, hello. Dr. Spademan, where the hell do you find a name like that? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. house band give it up for them ladies and gentlemen yeah hold on give it give it up for them ladies and gentlemen I know thank you guys so much that's okay it's OK. It's OK. Well, you guys know how Jimmy Fallon managed to get the roots.

Well, we were pretty close. We got the Fugees just without Wyclef Jean and without Lauryn Hill. Surprise, Michelle. Don't know who that is, but respect. Not really familiar with that type of music. I don't listen to that stuff. Well, they were known for their fusion of hip hop, reggae,

R&B, and funk, their socially conscious lyrics, and use of live instrumentation during their performances. OK. That's good. I believe Wyclef Jean stole a bunch of money from people who were trying to donate to Haiti. Wyclef Jean stealing. Let me see that.

Wyclef Jean faced scrutiny and criticism regarding the financial management of his charity, Yele Haiti. Particularly after the 2010 earthquake, an audit revealed that a significant portion of the donations intended for earthquake relief were used for the charity's internal operations, including salaries, consultants' fees, and travel expenses. Additionally, funds were allocated to projects

they were never realized, such as the construction of temporary homes and a medical center. While Gene denied using the funds for personal benefit, the charity faced accusations of mismanagement and lack of transparency. I'm gonna be honest with you, man. If I had a charity that made a bunch of money, like tens of millions of dollars,

I'd probably use maybe like $5,000 for something for me. You know what I mean? We're talking like $50 million of building water wells and something. Yeah, for sure. I'd probably just use like $5,000 or $6,000. Buy like a nice TV or something. It's $5,000.

What are those people going to use it for? Bread? You know what I mean? I'm thinking about becoming maybe just a really bad person, because it seems to be working out for a lot of people in life now. It seems like if you care about people and things, and you want to maybe have the world be

like 0.2% not as bad or evil, that really bad stuff happens to you, and you don't win anything, and your whole life kind of falls apart. People make fun of you, and you're basically a huge loser. But if you are kind of just like a soulless, green, evil little man, then you can pretty much get whatever the fuck you want out of this dope ass life. So I'm thinking about becoming soulless, small, and green in

pursuit of both low and higher order pleasures. Hedonism split down the middle with me getting spit roasted by both pleasures of the flesh and pleasures of the mind. Yeah, I'm trying to get some sheedonism. What's that? What's that? Come on.

Maybe prep, I don't know if it's something of a sexual nature, I didn't really think about it. Maybe prep. I don't know if it's something of a sexual nature. I didn't really think about it. Maybe prep? Honestly. No. What about she? OK, she-dism. And it's when the girl.

She doesn't even know him. She doesn't even know I jism. Right. She doesn't even know I'm in prison. A deaf heroin addict in philosophy class. She doesn't even know I'm in prison. As John Stuart Mill and Hobbes and the Larry Violin. She doesn't even know I'm in prison. Hedonism.

Oh, sorry, I thought you said fleece and denim, referring to an archival wrangler jacket. Oh, hedonism. I thought you said- This is an archival wrangler. They don't make much wrangler, so. This is rare stuff. Heedism, I thought you said cheese and, cheese and chips, mm.

Cause those are two of my favorite things to eat. I thought you said beats and rhythm. Wow. Mr. Lover, lover. I'm doing that as a tag. Mr. Lover, lover. Mr. Lover, lover. Hedonism, I thought you said...

She called me Mr. Joketastic. Telephone-etastic. Telephone-tastic. Yeah. I thought you said weed. Telephone-laughing. On my phone laughing. Texting on the meme I like to send you mail. Message.

Very good. Hedonism, I thought you said weed and Jizzing. Thank you guys. Still working on the monologue. Let's leave it on that one. I really liked Weed and Jizzing. We're not going to do better than Weed and Jizzing. Weed and Jizzing. I thought weizzing. Weed and jizzing. Edenism, I thought we were talking about weed and jizzing.

It's like why Tarantino's not gonna make another movie. That's true, yeah. I fucking, I don't even really like weed and I could probably take or leave jizzing at this point. So, but, you know, I know you guys like both of those things. There's nothing wrong with that. Dude, I kind of do fuck with using in general. It's kind of dope.

The Milk Boys with Net and Yahoo. So like, maybe like. If they had me on, I would make them look smart. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. So be like, strike. Net and Yahoo more like I would throw the ball into a net and go, Yahoo!

It's good! It's good! Yay! and then go, Yahoo! It's good! It's good! Yay! They started biting me with their fucking giant veneers. So you're cutting me off.

I'm saying dumb shit. So Bibi, I was just like, people have a lot of hard questions they want to ask you. But I was wondering where you sit on weed and jizzing, and then you just like grab the mic and you're like, when I put it in the net I go, Yahoo! Wee! Hee hee! Hee hee! Yahoo! Yahoo! Ha ha hee! Bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee The problem with the, I don't even know how he sounds, Iran cannot have, cannot have a, I feel like he drifts in and out of a vaguely ethnic accent despite being from Philadelphia. Iran can't have any weed or ninjas or they can't throw the ball in the net and go yahoo.

It simply cannot be allowed to happen, precisely because they've been a threat to the world forever on account of jizr, jizlam. There we go. Thank you, sir. Hello. My name is Benjamin Netanyahu. And I thoroughly enjoy male, male, female pornography.

When you do that voice, it's like it can only be a guy in a bathrobe. Hello. I am Charles Balzacrio. Charles Balzacrio? Oh my God. Hey Chuck, how you doing buddy? Hello, I just got a blow job. I'm lounging in my robe and I'm smoking a pipe. Thinking about getting another blowjob.

I'm like, my cheeks are wet from sucking. The global community must not ever prevent Charles Borsacko from getting blowjobs. I am the new president of some place in South America for some reason they fairly elected me because I said that I would make all the girls give a blowjob and stays on your dick after. It stays on there? It stays on your dick after.

She gives it to you, it stays on there, you can still feel it. They elected me. I got a hundred billion votes. I just said that blow jobs would stay on your dick after. The type of blow job where it stays for a little while. It's a whole nation of women toiling in the fields and guys hanging out in bathrobes. Oh my God, I love it. With wet cocks.

I love it, Charles. Thank you. And they're glistening in the sun. Sunburnt wet turgid wieners. Just a field of men cresting as far as they can see all the way to the hill where the sun sets and touches the top of the hill. Men with wet turgid sunburned weaners, still moist from the previous blowjob. Beautiful indigenous penises, burnt and wet, like a kilbasa on a summer grill. Mr. Netanyahu, the question was, how

do you plan on answering for the myriad of war crimes that your country has committed in pursuit of domination of the greater Levant? Well, as you can see, I'm wearing a bathrobe and my... I have a large black mustache and my penis is out and it's... it's large. It's wet. I's been blown recently. Got a blowjob from your mom, it was huge. Got a huge blowjob. Mr. Ninnyahoo.

It was a huge blowjob, cause she had some mouth like a horse. I like how we're 21 minutes into this, and the two best things that have happened so far are weed and jizzing and throwing the net and then going Yahoo. That's just the two. Those are the two cherries on top. I do like that.

We want to go back to the, you told me you had some ideas for the Colbert show. No, I didn't. That time's already passed. We've got to look forward. Oh, fuck. Did you see, did you see? Boozy, little boozy, if you care to,

do you care to say anything? I like the real white girls, the high school white girls. Come on, man. Did you see Bill Maher had Billy Joel on and pitched him his song idea? No, I didn't see that at all. I believe the song idea he had was called The World Makes Us Lie. And it was about being in a relationship with somebody

who the world thought was too young to be in a relationship with somebody who the world thought was too young to be in a relationship with you. What? And Billy Joel for the first part he went, oh yeah, that's so true. And for the second part he just went, okay. Oh my God, is this real? And then, yeah, this is real. You gotta watch, dude, you gotta, you gotta be watching Bill Maher's show.

I want to see it. Club Random has the good stuff. And you ever watch Red Borer? No. Isn't he like a Nazi or something? No, I don't think so. OK. But anyway, he's got some. He always watches Club Random, and it's always funny.

Oh, OK. I'm trying to find the song. OK, Bill Maher pitches Bill Maher a song, as Billy's soul slowly leaves his body with every word. Yeah, I'm not going to. I can't play the audio over the thing, so that's fine. But that's OK.

Yeah, that sounds like shit, man. I don't fuck with either of them. But I do like Billy Joel's song, Big Shot, one of my favorite songs of all time. And I do like his song, If That's Moving Up, Mama That I'm Moving Out, whatever the title of that song is. And I like that he got so many DUIs that they

had to name a small side street after him called Billy Joel Avenue. Somewhere in Jersey, I do believe. I think he got so many trash cans, and he got so many DUIs, allegedly, that the locals referred to it as Billy Joel Avenue. Now you're driving with an extreme amount of fucking reckless badassery.

Drive me the car now, DUI man, and get me home from the bar. You said that you were still good to drive. Billy, sing us your song. Oh, I'm Billy Joe and this is my voice. Singing my Billy Joe song. It's about playing my piano while I'm driving drunk. That's the best part. I wonder, so I guess a genuine question I have is like, I wonder how much of Bill Maher's thing is real

or if he's just like hamming it up because he's old and creepy. Wasn't there like a clip of him? I think there was a clip of him. Is Bill, I wonder like how much of Bill Maher's thing is real or if he's just like hamming it up because he's old and creepy like wasn't there like a clip of him? I think he's Was like this when he got famous Mmm, and just got stuck and then and then this is what he's famous for and so this is him This is who he is. He can't change

Because there was a cannot change his brain. There's a video of him asking a 12-year-old if they had been watching pornography or talking about sex yet. And I was like, part of me was like, I could read too much into this, and I could have my fucking Spidey senses go off, and I could fucking get tin full head about it.

Or I think Bill Maher is just one of those guys that's just like, you guys thinking about having sex? It's normal. And there's not like a pedophilic aspect to it that's purposeful. He just doesn't have like a human spirit. He has a spirit that's more like a bull's, or maybe like a fox or something.

He's like, it has an animal soul. So he doesn't quite understand what's happening. But he has a human's mind and a sort of a fox or something. He's like, it has an animal soul. So he doesn't quite understand what's happening. But he has a human's mind and a sort of a human's ability. And he's a famous guy or whatever the fuck. But I thought that was pretty bad. I don't think you should ask children if they're watching pornos. I know that you like to do that type of stuff.

Everybody, he asked Richard Dreyfus about his masturbation fantasies. And then Richard Dreyfus about his masturbation fantasies. And then Richard Dreyfus said that he thought about his sister and mom. What? Yeah. I'm saying you got to be on Club Randy. You got to be watching that.

I can't watch that. And even Bill Maher was trying to find a way for him to walk it back. was trying to find a way for him to walk it back. And he was like, look, I think he said incest was the engine for his childhood masturbation. Jesus Christ. Come on, bitch. Come on.

Do you remember when Trump? And then I think Bill Maher was like, well, you never actually did anything though, right and and Richard Dreyfus was like did you ever have a sister? No, but if I did I you know, I don't think I would have done anything He's like well, it's normal to kiss your sister, basically. Like. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Fuck yeah, man. That's awesome. Being like one of the greatest living actors, probably. And you're like, well, actually, I'm so good at kissing in movies because I like to kiss my sister. Yeah, you really are kind of like a legacy golden age Hollywood guy that still does good shit,

or like did maybe up until 10 years ago. And doubling down, you've never made sweet love to your sister. That's bizarre on your account. I was going through some of the stuff that Trump had said about Ivanka, because I kind of like, I feel like so much happens with him, especially now that we kind of forget about the hits. And I came across an old article from his first term where he was in the White House just kind of riffing

with a bunch of staffers. And he was like, you know, Ivanka, she's got great. She's got great breasts. And she's got a great, great rump. She's always had it. She's always had great breasts and a great rump. And from the staffer's point of view, Trump said something effective.

You know, often sometimes I get carried away and just thinking about what it'd be like to sleep with her, you know? But you can't be thinking about that stuff. The staffer was like, yeah, no, man, you can't, because that's your daughter. And then he was like, oh, you know. Ah, which swag.

I don't think that's good, but I think it kind of brings us back as an empire to the old days of just like nobles with severe brain damage, and they're just having sex with their kids, fucking on each other to preserve bloodlines. But they're all just giving each other cleft lips and shit, fucked up teeth. I hope Trump didn't have sex with his daughter.

That'd be bad. It wouldn't have been good. But yeah, I don't think there's anybody where I hope they had sex with their daughter. Facts. Yeah, I just like so much. Except for fucking John Voight. Hell yeah, dude. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I hope not, he's dead. Oh, okay, I thought you were saying something, maybe I wasn't privy to you or some shit.

I don't have any proof that he didn't, but I also have never heard that he did. So who's to say? Who knows? Yeah, who knows? And I'm proven innocent. Yeah, not proven innocent. That's swagged out. Not a part of the law.

I fuck with that, Heavy. Did you see the Dave Portnoy and Andrew Schultz are beefing right now? Oh my god, my kings? What? Yeah, if your kings are at war. My kings are at war? What's going to happen to the motherfucking king?

Your mighty kings are at war. Oh man, the roast king and the pizza boss? Oh, my god. They're at war over Mamdani. By the way, neither of them like him. Yeah, of course not. They're both against him and are arguing over who is more against him.

Because Andrew Schultz said that Trump is no longer America first. And while he disagrees with Zoran's policies, he thinks that, hey, at least this guy is New York City first. And Dave Portnoy said that he hated Zoran. He's anti-American. He's communist.

He's socialist. And Andrew Schultz said, he hated Zoran. He's anti-American. He's communist. He's socialist. And Andrew Schultz said, hey, you live in Florida. Why do you care? Right. And it sparked a beef between these two. And I really hate to see it, because I don't have much else to live for at this point, other than these guys being friends.

Two kings. I've been hanging on by a fucking thread lately. And if I see Dave and Andrew going at it much longer, I don't know how long I can take this before something real bad happens. I'm just going to say it, man. I'm no spring chicken. And I'm pretty fucked up looking.

These guys look like shit. Dave Portnoy lately looks. Andrew doesn't look that bad. He just has a really bad haircut. He still looks young. He still looks young. He still looks young. That's just how he looks. He doesn't look old.

He just kind of, you know when a guy wasn't really supposed to be hot? The same with, you know, when a guy wasn't really ever supposed to be a hot guy, but now he's famous. So he has to be the most attractive version of himself, he's trying to figure that out. That's a common thing with comedians, where they become millionaires, right?

But they didn't become famous for being attractive, or it wasn't the biggest factor. So now you've got these guys losing a bunch of weight, like becoming hot versions of themselves. They've got the money to get personal trainers and be very well-groomed and all this stuff. But these are still guys who went into entertainment as people doing open mics and shit.

Correct. Yeah, yeah. They're not. There's not any of those people who are cool in a Hollywood way. Yes. Like, it's not the same as the people who grind in Hollywood going to auditions and shit.

Those are just different types of cool. Like cool comedians are like dorks who are self-aware, I would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From what I've met. Like guys who, like, you know, they know who they are. But if you're just wearing a leather jacket and you get a haircut every day and you're not supposed to be like, it like there's nothing

What is he showing off about his fucking face, dude? What is it the thing with the Andrew Schultz is there's no part of his face that he can really highlight You're like, oh, that's his trait. He's just a he's just a guy He's not supposed to get a haircut every day like this. Yeah, you can see the hairstyle Who who the fuck approved that? He got a show with Charlamagne. They said we have to make him even blacker. Well, you know what?

I've heard people say that about him. But he doesn't even have a black guy's haircut. He has a high taper fade, but they didn't fade it. That's my problem with the fucking haircut. Is he's got like a fucking one that just goes straight into a two and then the shit on top. There's no fade. It's fucking insane.

I've never, it literally looks like he was getting a fucking mid taper and then he got up halfway through the haircut and was like fuck this world, I'm outta here. And then just walked out of the goddamn barber's shop. It's not faded. There's no fade. It's just one, two, hair, which drives me fucking crazy,

because that's not even a black guy's haircut. I understand that his whole thing, he's kind of like, in my mind, he's the unk to Matt Rife's neff. You know what I mean? They are very much having the same kind of thing. But Matt Rife was an attractive guy before as a thing. He was at least supposed to be good looking in a way. Andrew Schultz was supposed to be like a Jewish basketball fan or something. I don't know, maybe just a guy who's funny.

But I don't know it's just it comes across as too calculated I think is what people have an issue with well I also I I don't I actually don't know what's driven Portnoy to be so the way that he is about Israel. But a bigger question I have, and it could just be like good old fashioned State Department finagling, but I'm like, do you think it, I mean I'm putting myself in the shoes of like a fucking Zionist media person. Do you think it's good for your cause that you're on the fucking, hey dude, I'm going to drink this whole bottle

of Everclear and then I'm going to shove a sparkler in my ass. And that's on phone, man. Like, do you think that that's good for the image management of your movement? You shouldn't care about image management at this point. You can clearly do whatever you want. But if you're trying to clean house and you're trying to make yourself look better, the last place that I would go if I was killing hundreds of thousands of people per month is the fucking, yo, we got a Lamborghini and we filled it with blow-up dolls and we're going to rape Stiney. Like that, like what are we doing? Like there's no, it doesn't seem like that is the, that's the angle that you should fucking

take. I just don't get it. I understand that Netanyahu and similar folk want to be on TV a lot. But yeah, I don't know. It just didn't seem like it did them any favors. Is there a frat bro Zionist conglomerate? That's a stupid question. Of course there is. I'm a fucking idiot for even asking it.

That was another thing I watched. The SEC? Yeah, Ole Miss. Yeah, I'm like, I was watching it and I was like, who's this for? Is there a consortium of fraternity brothers? Send it, bro. God damn it. Even if their fan base hates it, it gets a lot of people looking at their stuff.

It's the same reason why Piers Morgan will have Hassan on and all these other guys. If they're divisive, then it worked. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah. Still views. You can still monetize all that. And whenever the well's starting to run dry,

you can just have somebody controversial on your show and then have people yelling at you. Now you got Hassan Piker and Adam Friedland yelling at you. I don't know if Adam's getting all that many eyes on you, but Hassan definitely is. Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? When the well runs dry.

I like the idea of Adam Friedland's fans watching that and then becoming fans of the Happy Dad guys. Yeah. Actually, they do make some good points. Um. I like the idea that when the well runs dry for me and you, we just have like a kind of black, kind of cloudy entity that sits in between us.

Hey, we know he's kind of controversial, guys, but we have the entity here. And we just want to give him a platform to say his piece and to get his side of the story out of there. For those of you who know him, he's an 8 and 1 1 2 foot tall, sort of foggy, black spirit entity. And a lot of people had bad things to say, but some people had some good things to say.

So entity, you can go ahead and say your piece and let the people know why you're here and why you do what you do. Right, so I don't think that our view, I don't know if our viewers would agree with you that Bosnians aren't people, but I can definitely see why you would come to that conclusion Anthony. Now we're going to take a quick break and we're going to talk to one of our advertisers. Are you trying to get that thing oiled down? Are you trying to get that thing so loose that it doesn't even make a sound?

Are you trying to make it so fucked up that it hits the ground? Are you trying to get that thing oiled down? Are you trying to make that thing so loose that it hits the ground? Are you trying to take that thing oiled down? Are you trying to make that thing so lucid it hits the ground? Are you trying to take that thing all the way downtown? Are you trying to make it not make a sound? Purchase the Butt Dylator 5.0 and get your shit spaced out so good that nobody will even know that you're in there. Talk to one of our number one customers, the Entity.

Use code ENTITYENTITY to get your shit spaced out so much that a great wind can blow through it and make a slight whistling noise All right, we're back. Thank you entity And we back with the Stephen Colbert show I am your host Stephen Colbert Stephen Colbert is Stephen Colbert? Yeah, this is Colbert. Stephen Colbert. Yeah.

The big black dude with a Colt.45. In this news, we got a bunch of females acting a fool. Fool. We got, how come you can't tell no lady, hello beautiful no more? We got, how come every time you walk in the store, they say you can't be coming in here with no money and taking stuff out of it. with no money and taking stuff out of it. How come they make them black and mild shorter?

They're making the tip longer on black and mild, and they're making the cigar part shorter. Because plastic is cheaper than cigar. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss I thought I told you slow down on that stuff, boy. You're going to get sick. You're going to get liver. Oh, shit. I got my liver. Stephen Colbert, no.

Oh, my God. My dialysis fell out. Stephen Colbert, your liver. I had it in my pocket. I've been keeping the bags in my pocket. I felt like I broke them all under the desk. Stephen Colbert, your liver. I'm going to get sick.

I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going to get liver. I'm going in my pocket. I been keeping the bags in my pocket. I felt like I broke them all under the desk.

Stephen Colbert, you're liberal. You can't be acting insane and all that type of crazy. Oh, shit. They heard the news that Trump had acted a damn fool. To all the Mexicans. Stephen Colbert, where you got this? I can't say that neither. Oh, shit. No, I can't say that neither. Oh, god.

Fuck this shit. Fuck this shit. Oh, fuck me. What in the hell have I done? Just like falling asleep in the chair. I need a long day of rest after this. I fucked up so bad, y'all. I don't even want to do this damn show.

I'm gonna help the kids with this shit. Nah, Steven, you're the replacement. I'm trying to move back on my mama. This is your first day, Steven Colbert. You can't leave. My mama's sick. They tried to let me put that on the news. First day, Stephen Colbert, you can't leave. My mama sick. They tried to let me put that on the news. They said, ain't no news that your mama sick.

I said, it's news. She's sick as fuck. This week in the news, my mama sick. And she got the diseases that make her body ache. Fuck. And I got headache. Shit, and my a body ache. Fuck. And I got hit like shit in my leg is numb. Oh, fuck. Stephen Colbert, brother, you got a long career.

We signed a 10-year contract with CBS, MSNBC. Oh, shit. I don't know if I'll live that long. I'm 35 now. I don't know if I'll make it to 45. Stephen Colbert, believe in yourself. Oh my God. Okay, I believe in myself. What do we got? Drum roll, what do we got on the news this week? Let's read it off.

Oh shit, y'all got a real drugs setting here. OK. This week in the news, Dutch immigrants destroying villages on the East Coast. People from Dutchland come in. And oh my god, this is a new slip from 1390. My bad. Oh, oops. from 1390, my bad. Oh, oops.

This is an old ass scroll I found in Stefan's desk. Stephen Colby, you gotta do topical jokes. You can't be doing stuff from the Magna Carta. Oh, shit, you right. I love you co-host of this show, if there is one. Yeah. Sort of like an Andy Richter type fella. Yeah, my name is Andy Liquor.

The gay blob. My name? Andy Liquor. Andy Liquor. Shit, satellite something I drink. Shit, drinking alcohol, I love that. I'm an alcohol licker. Fucking shit. I'm a fucking that. I'm an alcoholic. Fucking shit. I'm a fucking alcoholic.

I'm a fucking alcoholic. Yeah, y'all do it. I'm Steve Colby, I'm an alcoholic. I need a drink. I need a drink real bad, I'm gonna be hurting tonight. Shit. I'm drinking right now. Oh shit. Oh, coming up next, we got a sketch about how you got to get the vaccine taken out of your body,

because it makes you not be able to drink as much. Oh, shit. Do we like it? How do y'all feel about the vaccine? Y'all get that shit? Y'all got that shit? Y'all got that shit. Okay, then we're doing about you gotta keep it in your body. You can't drink green tea with blueberry sauce. It'll take the vaccine out of your body. Okay. Everybody, if you look under the,

And everybody, if you look under the, under your seat at the moment, you're gonna see a $10 bill. I'm gonna need that at the end of the show. I'm gonna need that at the end of the show. Because I've been saving up by putting all my money under seats so that I can't have it during the show, so I can't go and buy no liquor during the show. So I put all my money in $10 bills under y'all's seats.

So if you have it, please bring it up after the show. I don't have no money other than that. Because I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, I need help at it. I'm an alcoholic, and if anybody else got anything, they could spare. I need it for quarters at the, my laundry's stuck in wash mode at the laundry,

and I ain't got no quarters left. I don't got enough money to turn it off. I got four loads in the wash. I'm using up half the machines right now. They piss as hell to me. I didn't bring no money for drying. And it's all winter clothes, too. I got a hell of a shit ton of fur coats and a wash. Yeah.

And I got a bunch of fur coats and leather jackets and heavy wash right now. I put it on bedding mode. Hot water and motor oil. Yeah, so let me bit of fucking shit. I ate grape jelly this morning for breakfast. Ain't that fucked up? What you had for breakfast?

You drunk? Liquor? My name Andy Liquor, and I sit in the chair next to you. I'm a big fat white gay blob. White gay blob. I love him. I love you too, Stephen Colby. We're two friends and we both

of us had our souls taken from us by the state department to produce propaganda. You Colby and me liquor. Anyway. Oh god, I love drinking.

I'm on TV and I like to drink. Oh, god, I love drinking. Oh, fuck. I'm on TV, and I like to drink. That would be Jimmy Fallon if he was us. Yeah, Jimmy Fallon. Hey, guys, tonight it looks like I'm going to be drinking myself almost to death and somehow waking up, taking a bunch of pills, and pretending to love my kids.

Now let's have on some bitch from TikTok, and I'll look at her titties. Now let's have on some bitch from TikTok and I'll look at her titties. Dude, his more so than Stephen Colbert what you said earlier is his fault from Grace is kind of nuts. He was funny on SNL. Fallon, I thought so. And now yeah, his eyes are gone, man. The one that I always think about with Fallon was when they had, was that TikTok lady that

did all the dances? She's real famous. Addison Rae? Yeah, I guess so, yeah, yeah. So she was doing her dances, like all of her most famous dances, and the camera would cut to Fallon, and he would just be like,

just kind of gyrating his hips and just looking into the camera and giggling, and I was like, god damn. That job actually has to suck. You gotta do that job every goddamn night forever until you get canceled. You can never stop. Actually, it's awesome, because you get millions of dollars.

That's true. I probably wouldn't even do it. We don't do anything that gives us millions of dollars. That's true. If we did, we would also complain about it. Like, if this, if we were us millions of dollars. That's true. If we did, we would also complain about it. Like, if this, if we were making millions of dollars from this, we would still complain about it, which is funny. But it would be awesome that we made the money.

That's correct. I do agree with you on that. If I was a late night host, I would probably have a horrible fall from grace. Yeah, you'd probably touch somebody or something like that, probably. I wouldn't do that. I would probably say something real bad.

Hm. Uh, or. Yeah, I can see that. I would be one of the, uh, I would be one of the, like, boomer brain celebrities who, like, doesn't know that, like, you're not supposed to, like, message people on the internet if you're a celebrity. And I would just I would just be like talking to people on their Instagram DMs or whatever oh you think you're fucking tough and I picture me I'm also

Jimmy Fallon in this oh you think you're fucking tough hey come fucking fight me come to fucking Hollywood and fight me yeah Hollywood pussy ass yeah you're fucking I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm Jimmy Fallon, I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm Jilly Fallon. I'm Jiggly Fallon, and you have to fuck me. Late night with Jiggly Fallon. I've got huge, beautiful, jiggly ass cheeks,

and you gotta fuck me. Yeah, you're gonna fuck my jiggly pussy, you fucking numbnuts. Get on the stage, you fucking loser, and fuck my pussy. Fucking ass wiping, fuck my pussy. We got James Spader and David Spade double teamed with the Spade brothers

fucking the shit out of my pussy. That's jiggly pal and poor ya folks. Yeah. Yeah. Jiggly pal. All this fucking sickass life of mine tears me apart every goddamn day and that's For you, and I'm Jimmy kibble roof roof. Mm-hmm And Jimmy kennel get in that cage brother

Okay I find this erotic. What about Jimmy Dribble? And he's fucking crazy good at basketball. Yeah, I bet. Jimmy Scribble and he has bad handwriting. Our next guest, who's this? Jennifer Lopez?

Oh my gosh. What about Jimmy Nibble and he's this? Jennifer Lopez? Oh my gosh. What about Jimmy Nibble when he's hungry? He wants a little bit of it. Om, om, om. How about Bone and O'Brien? He fucks the shit out of you. OK, very good. Yeah, Bone and O'Brien.

Up next, I'm giving long, slow strokes to Bill Hader. Jiggly Fallon and Bonin O'Brien together. And they, dude, that would fucking come to something like that, dude. Weed and jizz and baby. Jay Leno, hey, then you go to his house and fuck him. All right, Not bad. Wasn't he just falling down hills and walkways

for like fucking two weeks straight there for a while? He just did it one time. He did blow his face up with a car. Catch his face on fire and burn it. But I listened to a podcast where he talked about going down the hill thing. It was literally like, like there was a big hill and somebody was like, Oh, just walk around the hill.

And he was like, yeah, I'm going to walk down that hill. And they were like, no, it's like actually really steep. And he was like, I'm going to walk down the hill. I'm not as old as you might think. And he immediately ate shit and went to the hospital. That's awesome. Yeah, I think it's fucked up that guys that are like celebrities for like 50 years, like, you're kind of, there is this pressure to like never really like,

you can physically age, but you can't mentally. Like dude, they were putting Bruce Willis in movies right up until the end and he would be like, oh no, you gotta go get the suitcase. He's gonna have it. If he gets the suitcase, there's never gonna be, there's never gonna be a country. And then they would be like, yeah that was great Bruce,

okay, somebody put more, somebody get all of the wet off of Bruce's mouth, please. Somebody get all the dribble off of his mouth. I felt bad for the guy. Didn't he die? Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis, he is still alive, but he is mostly gone. I love the description.

He is mostly, mostly gone. I don't know why that's fucking me up. Hey, yeah, I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, man. I hear she's mostly gone. Is that true? Yeah, I heard there's not a whole lot to work with at this point. The doctor telling you your grandmother has dementia? Yeah, more like Bruce still is alive, barely.

Bruce will he die soon? Probably. More like Bruce kill his self maybe. Yeah, Mr. White, we wanted to talk to you about your grandmother. So we did run some tests. And unfortunately, she is mostly gone and very fucked up. Take a moment.

If you have any questions, you can ask the nurse. But she is mostly gone and she's fucked up as fuck. And her shit's fucking stupid mode. And her shit's all slimy. I'm sorry. They should do another Expendables movie, but where they go kill him in real life. Who?

Another what movie? Expendables. Oh, where they go to kill Bruce Willis for real? Yeah. I'd be down for that. Oh, whore. Don't care. Gotta get Bruce Willis

This is alone We gotta go get We're gonna go fuck up, dude. You know he has 160 IQ Yeah, I've seen that I think it's a good as proof of any that they just give all the high numbers to white guys and I don't give a fuck about that, but no disrespect to you Jake, I think that you know if you talk like that it means that you are really stupid stupid. And so if he's so smart, then maybe he should figure out how to not have Bell's palsy. Maybe come up with a medicine that makes him not talk like a fucking stupid inbred cunt. Hey, Sly Stallone.

More like hi, could you loan me a mouth that talks normal? Yeah, Dolph Lundgren has an IQ, genius IQ, too. He's a master's degree. He went to MIT and stuff. So that I believe more. And also, he dated, what's her name? The cool black model lady fucking Oprah no oh let me Google cool black model real quick let me figure out cool black model Oh grace Jones yeah, that would be it yeah

Ivan motherfucking Drago if he does he does Ivan Marilago, okay Even Mar-a-Lago. OK. Frenchy fries, free fries. There's a movie with him. He plays a detective. I think it's from the mid-2000s. It was a straight to DVD.

And I don't know if you remember, or was it Mickey Rourke? I think it was Dolph Lundgren or Mickey Rourke where they play a detective and there's a scene, there's a sex scene and it goes on for way too long. And basically it's like that bit from It's Always Sunny where they're talking about just like full penetration where he like fucks the lady on camera. I can't think of the goddamn movie. God damn it's pissing me off. Anyway, it's Dolph Lundgren.

It is Dolph Lundgren. And he plays this hardened detective and 2010 movie. And he falls in love with this girl in a hotel. And the sex scene is pretty much set up from the top of the movie. And then he takes her clothes off. And I remember I watched it high on acid. I was trying to do one of those bad movie nights,

and I was fucking tripping balls. And he fucking takes her clothes off, and you're like, oh, they're going to do this thing, would they allude to it. And then she takes his clothes off and it takes like three minutes And then he like lays her down on the bed and he starts like fucking like playing with her tits and stuff and I'm like Oh, surely they're gonna do the thing where they cut to them laying in next to the bed and doffle and smoking cigarette And then they just start making out for like

He like fucks this woman and they do both He like like, you know, woman, and they do multiple positions. It did cut, but it was like, he's fucking her missionary, and then he's fucking her talkie style. And then they finally cut through at the end, where he's just laying in bed or whatever. And I'm like, you didn't need to show me all that. It pans down to a bunch of sperm on his leg.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it Icarus? It shows them on his leg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was it it shows them doing after care? Yeah. Oh yeah. He's just talking to me. Yes. We know what that is. Yes. Yes. I know what it's like. Dolph Lundgren sex. Bragging the women were not in a relationship about the feather we do after. Yes. Yes. Female fans Jake the fact that we do aftercare. Yes, yes, female fans. Jake and I are big on aftercare. That's true.

I googled Dolph Langer in Sex movie. Mr. Window. How long is Bruce Willis expected to survive? By me? 100 years. That's awesome. By Thomas White, not super long. Dolph Lundgren fucking.

Dolph Lundgren sex scene. I can Google this because I'm logged into my work. Tia Carrere nude, Dolph Lundgren fucking. Maybe this is what I was thinking about. Turn safe search off. Dolph Lundgren sex scene. Dolph. Which is the one where he fucking, he's got like a cloak

on. Who gives a fuck? Fuck my stupid ass Chungus life, or whatever the fuck it is the kids say. Did you watch Squid Game? I didn't watch Squid Game, but I want to. I've been really meaning to watch Squid Game. I finished it last night.

It was pretty good. I thought that came out like three years ago, didn't it? Now have a new season out, Dinger. Oh, I didn't know it was a season thing. I thought it was a movie. No, it's a whole ass show. They got three seasons. Oh.

Yeah. Squid Game. Well, I guess that's not the ink that I would usually look at. Usually I'm a big book guy. Just let me know on that one if you like it, if you think that's funny. If you want to hear more stuff like that from me. I am always open to feedback.

Is it still Asians on it? Nothing wrong with that. Is it still Koreans partaking in this? Yeah, but they did. Spoiler alert, spoiler alert. Squid Game Season 3, spoiler alert. Close your fucking ears if you don't want to hear this. At the very end, they have a lady.

It's Cate Blanchett. And she is doing the initiation game with a New York homeless man, implying that they're going to do an American spinoff. Because once you've got some sweet, sweet franchise IP with lots of verticals, you milk that fucking cow for as long as you can milk it, and then you fuck the cow to death. So I'm pretty sure they'll probably do an American one.

You know who I've been listening to a lot, music wise, I've been fucking really heavy with Pink Panthers. Her shit's good as hell. Everybody, uh. She is good, she's very good. She's really good. And I said I like Pink Panthers to some friends

and they called me gay. So I figured I'd tell you, cause I know you like gay stuff. Don't listen, I do like gay stuff. Now Pink Panous is good. What happened? I've been listening to Pink Pantherous and Big Ass Truck. Also this band called After.

I feel like we talked about this recently and I remembered literally the little episode that came out just today. We were having a similar discussion this but yeah I've been some of the British rappers some of the new guys are good. Me and Mandem we go to the park with a big knife those guys me and the road man. There's this guy Eden put me on to called Eski Kid. Oh nice. He's from Liverpool. He's good. Have you heard of Fake Mink?

Nope. He's good. More of an Esky kid guy than a fake pink guy. He's a really good rapper I'm listening to lately from South Africa called Kindly Nash. He's awesome. I think that's how you pronounce it. He's got a great song called Capteen.

You all should check that shit out if you like rap music. Also listen to Big Ass Truck and listen to, if you like, gay girl-fronted bands from the 2000s like Liz Faire and stuff. After is also really good. What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about motherfucking shows, madavaca. Please buy tickets to the Midwest Tour, the Great American Steel Tour. If you are in Milwaukee, Chicago, Detroit, September 25th, 26th, and 27th, go to patreon.com slash pendejo time. The first post up there, it's not paywalled.

It's obviously free, because it's our tickets. Get the motherfucking tickets. They're also on linktree.com, Pendejo Time, or Linktree. Go to our YouTube, Pendejo Time Worldwide, and give us a goddamn sub. I've got an episode loaded up right now. Sorry for the delay on that. In fact, go to pendejotime.com slash pendejo Patreon.

And just throw us a little bit of cheese. Dollar here, $5 there, $10 there. $5 gets you access to a whole goddamn suite of backlog episodes plus a bonus episode every week. 10 bucks a month gets you access to a bonus video episode. We've been hitting the stride there, it was pretty good. And then I was traveling a lot, so I'm working on getting those back up for you,

my defect, sexy, my defect. If you are in Seattle or Portland this week, please come to Lemon Party show where I open, lemonparty.life slash shows. Buy tickets to go see those motherfuckers. I will be there too. I love you. I think that's it for me. Oh, listen to Drunk Uncle.

That's all for me is listen to Drunk Uncle as well. Yeah. Okay, bye. Bye.