Pendejo Time - Sticky Boy V Sherriff Blow Jobs

Episode Date: February 7, 2025

The battleSupport the show

Help! Why won't you, why won't you, help me get my honey? That's just sort of the intro jingle. And then we cut into the... Okay, well here maybe... Help! Help! Here, let me just one second.

No. Won't you help me get my honey? Maybe this one? Help, help me. The bears Honey, I spilled it all over my trousers. Honey, sticky sticky sticky sticky honey. Sticky sticky sticky sticky honey sticky the sticky sticky sticky honey on my trousers when your trousers get sticky sticky from other honey the bears say will come running try to get your pee money P money! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Sticky sticky rawr! Give me your trousers

I'm the forest bear Give me your sticky pants I am over there I'm a big brown creature Give me your sticky honey Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm a big brown creature. Give me your sticky honey Ah

I'm a big black creature. Give me your sticky trousers. I Live in the forest Give me your sticky pants Give me your honey. I'm a big black creature I Am not to be I'm a big black creature and I live in the forest Come to give you honey I'm a nasty brown man. I'm a big hairy creature and I live in the jungle.

Sticky sticky sticky sticky honey. Sticky sticky sticky sticky honey. Honey honey. Sticky sticky sticky sticky honey. Sticky sticky sticky honey Sticky sticky sticky sticky honey Hey, what's up guys well a sticky honey by the little boy in the big bear How'd you like them we've got so many new songs for you and I know everybody loves all the songs They say they say sticky brown bear and little boy please make more songs about honey please we love honey in the way it tastes oh quit tickling us you found my tickle spot. You found it.

Now I'm marrying Jolly from the Tickles and Honey. Yay! I was tickled and given honey and now I'm sweet and joyful. I'm lovely and gay. I'm lovely and gay and joyful. And I'm sticky too. Help! I've become so sticky I can't even smile and laugh If you have to help the joyful boy you have to help the joyful boy because if he gets sticky and he can't smile then the whole town will get sad Oh even Mrs. Buttons Don't worry people of the town if you help the sticky sticky boy

I'm okay, and if you have the sticky boy and you help the brown bear It's okay, Mrs. Buttons Then the town will be happy once more and the rain will come and your children will not starve But you have to help the boy get out of the sticky honey and you have to make sure the... Sticky help. Oh, it makes me want to wimper. And you have to make sure the honey gets to the bear. You have to what the bear? You have to make sure the honey gets out of the boy's hair and in between the cracks of his skin.

And you have to get it out from under his teeth. And you have to give it to the bear. But what if the boy is hungry for the sweetness? The boy must make a sacrifice so the town can be happy. What sacrifice must the bear make? The bear sacrifices that he is a woodland creature and he lacks the soul of a man. He sacrifices every day. Oh, I guess that makes sense, doesn't it? It does.

But is does he get sticky? The bear is always sticky. Yay. That's the nature of a bear's soul. What happens if he wants to get even stickier? Then the townsfolk are in for a very rude awakening come Sunday morning because there's nothing more ornery than a Sunday morning sticky bear. Oh! Yay!

I get sticky from lollies too. Ah! I get sticky from lollies and then when all my friends come over and we get so sticky Yay If you open the door to my stone apartment you will find me and my friends in a pile in the living room very sticky

very sticky very sticky and the bears outside and the best says it says don't let me catch you getting sticky and icky or I might have to give you a lickie lickie lickie sickie icky very tricky that was sticky in my apartment by the little boy and the big brown bear. Ooh, I feel like I've heard those names before. I'm sticky, I'm sticky, I'm sticky man, I'm sticky, I'm sticky, I'm sticky man, I'm sticky, I'm sticky, I'm a sticky man. I'm a bear, I'm a bear, I'm a crazy bear, and I like to have my big brown hair. Ha ha! Arr! Arr! Arr! Arr!

Okay, I'm sorry. It's okay. Sorry, I was... I know it's very scary to be sticky. It's very scary. Every time I get in the booth with you and the big brown bear, it's hard for me to control my fear, so I have to... I got so scared I nearly frazzled myself I know little boy I wouldn't my least favorite thing

is when I go to work with little boy and he's frazzled and uh I like it I know you do little boy I know it's almost like being sticky it's probably You're probably the best little boy I've worked with in all my years as a producer of musical sounds. Thank you! It's no problem. I am the stickiest! You very well might be the slickest, stickiest little boy in all of musical sound and production. Ooh, I like the sound of that. Just like Corey Feldman. Just like Corey Feldman and River Phoenix and Charlie

Sheen and the Orlando Brown. They were very stupid. He would be more like Charlie Shine. Because of all the honey on him. I know. And instead of the breakfast club, it would be the breakfast toast. Mmm, it would, wouldn't it, boy? The breakfast eating club. The breakfast enjoyer. The breakfast yum. The breakfast club sandwich. The Breakfast Yum. The Breakfast Club Sandwich. The Breakfast Of.

Right little boy, that's wonderful. A lifetime that is. I wish they just ate breakfast and went back home. I know, what if that was the whole movie boy? They just sat and they had a great time and then... I didn't like that that guy got rid of the... Didn't like that that girl got rid of her dandruff and everybody forgot and the guy fucked her. Yeah, that was very odd, wasn't it, boy? Yeah, that happens to me every day. You get rid of your dandruff and then make you up?

I get rid of a big pound of dandruff and then the jocks the jocks all fuck me boy I hate it but don't you like being sticky what that seems like a sticky being sticky that seems like a sticky situation for a boy to be on sticky it's horrible crusty I'm sorry, boy. I want to be sticky Just like a jelly I want to be so sticky like a jelly of grape I want to be as sticky as a roll of some tape I want to be as sticky as I want to be

a sticky sticky man a very nice man with a nice plan to get as sticky as he can like jelly and can like jelly when it's on your plate You go on breakfast date When you eat some dates Hello Hello, is this the little boy? It might be Hi little boy, this is... And to whom do I intrude? To whom do I intrude?

Hi, my name is Phil Sullivan, I'm with Sullivan & Schultz law firm. Little boy, it seems as though you failed to show up to your court date. hi my name is uh... uh... phil solvina with so so that shilts law firm a little boy it seems as though you uh... failed to show up to your court date uh... now we're being ordered to serve you summons uh... to uh... to to come see the judge so well i think you have to do that in person right no no no not in this world

there are many other world yes yes. I misunderstood this world. I know, I know. It's a sticky world. I know, little boy. So it is on the count of you being sticky in public, which, as you know, this is your 8th defense for being sticky in public. Little boy doesn't like the sound of that. Little boy has every right to be afraid of the judge.

Do you know who the judge is? Oh, Judge Grapes. No, that was the judge last time. And Judge Grapes did you a very good solid deal by giving you... It's not Judge Jelly, is it? It's not Judge Jelly. That's a very good guess. It is Judge Bear. Oh, Sacre bleu! I know, Sticky Little Boy. So it would be best for everybody involved if you could just head on over to the court and you can speak with Judge Bear and we can get all this sorted away and you don't have to go to Sticky Little Boy jail.

So my court date is just right now? It's right this second. I can patch it. This is horrible. I hate this judicial system. This really disfuses. I know it's a bizarre system we got. This is sickening. Sickening to say the least.

I know Little Boy is a very odd, surreal court system that seems to be targeted little boys and ran by different types of fruit jams but this this is very important so let me go ahead and patch in judge bear oh I don't even get to go over there this is purely this is purely a phone call and I know it's really bad for you sticky boy I'm very sorry I know it's really bad for you sticky boy. I'm very sorry

All right, I'm patching in judge bear right now Judge judge bear God Yeah, hello your Honor. We have a translator. I'll serve as a translator. Mr. Bear, we have a sticky little boy here. Sticky little boy is sorry for being sticky in public for the ninth time, and he wants to know what his punishment will be. He said that it can go. No, it's very nice to hear that. I'm sorry, Mr. Bear.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. punishment will be. He said that it can go. No, it's very nice to try to stick you little boy. I speak pairs. I know that you don't. He said that you're going to have to go to get all your stickiness removed and you're now going to be smooth boy for the rest of

your life. You'll never be sticky again. I'm sorry I think there's a commotion over the phone. I can't hear anything. I think that you might have jelly on your phone. No, Mr. Bear had all the jelly. You might have honey on your phone. Mr. Bear removed all the honey from the phones in the court system today. I don't like that he can't speak English. I mean either but that's kind of the way that this cookie crumbles. So Mr. How long is this sentence for? You're gonna get de-sticified at the Smooth Boy Center. Oh, I like that. That's a good name for it. Yeah. That's at your house, right? No, that is not. That's the Smooth Boy Center. That's in your bathroom, isn't it? No, that is not in my bathroom. That's where you eat also. No, that is not ice. No sticky boy That is at the smooth boy center. You just have a tab there and you just paid at the end of the month The smooth boy center

Nice try it's like Del Frisco's It's a really nice spot in Dallas Yeah, they know I'm good for it Yeah, so no while I am Familiar with the smooth boys center. I am NOT a frequent patron. This is for places where sticky little boys go to get extra smooth So you're you're due there in approximately 10 minutes. Oh gosh So you're you're due there in approximately 10 minutes. Oh gosh But I have a honey appointment this afternoon. Can I have to can I still go to that? It's non-refundable I'm sorry

Sticky little boy if I go cold cold honey. I might start suffering from withdrawals If I go cold sticky, if I go plain smooth, I might start shaking out some of my jelly. And I'm worried if some of my jelly starts coming out, then I might not be so smooth anymore. And I'm worried somebody might have a really sticky gun that's hard to get off of his hands because he just happens to not be quite so smooth yet. I understand your concern, sticky little man, but unfortunately your punishment is to become smooth. The Smooth Boys Center in Dallas, Texas. Home of the smoothest boys that were ever ever ever ever ever made by God himself. Well, it would be a real shame if somebody were to put jelly into the unsweet cows water supply and make them sweet and sticky

oh but nobody would be so bold and brazen to do that not in the next 10 minutes after which they could simply become smooth and then well of course a smooth man, smooth boy couldn't have made the cows all sweet and sticky ha ha ha ha ha ha ha share share blowjob you've unlocked a dark side of me I'm gonna kill myself with honey you know weird enough yeah well eat a big glob. That should do it. You're not gonna escape justice, sticky little boy.

I'm gonna put it in my nose and eyes, and I think that kills you. No. I think I saw something like that happen on Facebook. You're never gonna get away from the sheriff. What would happen if I became a chef? Sheriff Blowjob here. It's been a long time coming hunting What happened if I became a sheriff? Sheriff Blowjob here.

It's been a long time coming hunting for a sticky little boy, but I think I finally found him. It was June 1975, I'd just gotten off a beat in New Orleans. I sure that I was retired. And then I walked into the woods to fucking kill myself. And what did I see? A small drop of honey on a twig. I called up the department chief and I said, chief, I think I, uh think I think I just made my career he said what the fuck are you talking about sheriff blowjobs you're off the case and I said not this case not this time

I followed that trail of honey drop by drop until there was a clearing and the swamp the salt grass a beautiful Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And there I found a perfectly sticky nude boy. You know what he said to me? He said, Hello! I knew right then and there that I was the sticky boy I was looking for. The sticky boy that had plagued my nightmares, my dreams. It ruined my relationship with my wife and my kids. I'd stayed up all night tracking different types of honey, looking at different types

of bees. And there he was, smug, mocking. There, sticky, in the salt grass. Well, Sheriff, um, you go ahead. I says to him, I says, sticky little boy, stick those hands up high, get those sticky paws right into the rays of the goddamn sun sun this instance. He slowly raised his hands I pulled out my revolver and I aimed it at his sticky body. He smiled at me

and I said what's so fucking funny you sticky piece of shit and that's when I knew I was dealing with a real sick fuck because through his gritted sticky teeth, he said, Hey, Sheriff. What are you doing here eating honey? I fired my gun and it clicked. Checked the magazine. All my bullets were replaced with sticky honey.

Sheriff? Yeah? All my bullets were replaced with sticky honey As Sheriff Yeah, how did you find a revolver with a magazine in it? Just like the court system sticky little boy, this is a crazy world we live in Sheriff I think your gun went off on accident Listen here you sticky so-pity- I believe you're trying to... put your gun on safety and you fire it. I've had about enough of you, you sticky bastard. You're coming with me and we're gonna go see Judge Jelly.

Oh, Judge Jelly is it? Well, it would be a real shame if Judge Jelly was neck deep in a jar of preserves right now. You wouldn't. Talk to Detective Brownie about it. Not Brownie. No!

No, he's alive. He's corrupt! That's what I meant! No, he's fine! But you should look into him! Into his butt! It's made of candy! Nooooo! The sweetest candy? No! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo And now you're in my turf And now I toss you a spoon a spoonful of honey You may take it

You may perish You've taken everything else from me you sticky boy And I guess I'll take the honey too This isn't the poison this isn't the poison honey honey. It's not from the bee that kills you What what is what bee is it from you fucking it's from the regular honeybee? Okay, doesn't kill you all right? Well, I've eaten the honey What happens next? Was it yummy?

Yeah, I was pretty tasted like kind of the honey you get from the store. Yeah, boy. It's pretty sticky. Good tongue That's the exact kind Yeah, I use my tongue. That's the kind you get from the evil store The honey? It's cheaper there It's not from an evil bee is it no it's actually not so I don't understand I didn't know you would be out here well why would I keep evil honey I would actually eat it I don't know you said yes... Unless it is...

An evil spoon! No... Not from the evil silver mine... Yeah... Owned by the... Mr. Silver Sheriff... Hmm... Maybe...

But not this time! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Maybe but not this time So what was all the suspense for Figure out how to get out of here Out of the woods Situation Out of the woods? Out of this situation. Out of this bit? Well no, I thought I was trapped by an evil white sheriff. Sheriff Blowjob's here. This is my last journal.

The Sticky Boy gave me a sticky spoon. And on that sticky spoon was a sweet gob of the most pure amber honey I ever did have and I hated it and I became evil because the spoon was evil. The spoon was fine. Hello boy. I thought that I had gotten rid of you. I asked for a ride home and you said no so I had to hitch a different ride. Why are you at my house? Be told that's probably wrong on my part to be here. Yeah you've taken everything. Did you ever end up killing yourself? Seemed like that was your whole thing. Oh boy. I was going to and then I did you unretire? I thought I was good. I thought I got justice served by leaving you in the woods and not doing anything

I was already out there. I know Kind of the whole kind of a big problem with my approach to law enforcement is I'm not particularly very good The only thing you did to hurt me was you didn't give me any amazing shoes. I know. I needed moccasins. I didn't have any. Sheriff, I needed handcrafted moccasins. You didn't bring any. When you, when you are a little boy

When you are a little boy who needs a magazine The sheriff, the sheriff hopefully he will bring them To the swamp of doom of two the sheriff we should bring you magazines for your shoes if you are an adult man and you are in your own sticky situation, if you're an adult man in your own sticky situation and it's not Mockensens you need, it's a little bit of

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and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on prescription, product and subscription plan. I use it every day. Alright boy. Well, that's fine. That's fine boy. You fucking, you're sticky. I'm I'm that's fine it's fine boy you fucking your sticky I'm sure blowjobs not fucking lost everything because I was tracking my wife found out that I was tracking down boys in the woods and she just fucking she said why would you do something like that and I said well I'm sure blowjobs

and the she left you know so now she's no longer missus blowjobs now she, she's back to Mrs. Rimjob. Mrs. Rimjob, nay Blowjobs. Yeah, Rimjob, nay Blowjobs. Hey, how's it going? My name Ribjob, nay Blowjob. Hey, what's good? My name Ribjob, nay Blowjob. Hey, why y'all screaming? Y'all act like you never met a man named Rim Job before.

The man formerly known as Blowjob. Thank y'all for coming out to the fucking Angola open mic. My name is Rim Job, Nate Blowjob. Hey, I appreciate that. Uh, every Angola like a town. Angola is a prison. Oh, I thought, I thought you were referring to the country at first. No, it was a jail. It's a jail in Louisiana.

Whatever. Yeah, it's like I'm pretty sure it's like it's like known as a prison that works I mean I who fucking knows I mean if you know the one thing you know the other thing it gives a fuck Yo, how y'all doing tonight? Oh shit y'all ain't doing good Damn I need to label these I need to work on my bits knock knock Damn y'all dumb as hell. I'm try a different one Why the chicken crossed the road Damn Damn. We got Thomas coming up and he gonna pull his shit out.

Yeah, they screaming because they want to see it. Pull that shit out, white boy. Yeah, I'm about to see it out. Yeah, it's me, Thomas. Thomas White, ladies and gentlemen, he's here on 87 counts of rubber rubber rubber rubber stealing from the government bank ain't that right I gotta rev up my zipper for take it out yeah oh miss

I forgot I got a tip infection you got it You got an infection in your tip? Yeah, I gotta stop putting thumbtacks in there when I'm done with them. Why you be putting thumbtacks in there, Big Tom? Because I'm done with them. You're done with your penis? You finished with them? No, with thumbtacks. Oh, oh, oh. I don't want to sit on them.

Oh, okay. I thought maybe you were trying to say you were done with your penis and you didn't want to use it no more. No, no. I'll be using it daily for whatever I want. Cooking, cleaning. Oh. I treat it like it's my wife.

Hey, they're coming around. Hey! Yeah, I treat my... I put a mop on my... Mop it on my balls. Drag it on the floor. I do masonry with it? They didn't like that boy, I fix radiators with Plug up radiator leaks you got a radiator in your old-ass car call me up. I get my zipper revved up We'll call the zipper radiator fixer

Anyway, how you been dude? been going on I've been kind of sick this week, but I'm all good. Yeah the dope-ass day Been hanging out Some week I finally got around to watching Let's Start A Colt. Oh yeah. Shout out Mr. Halkius. It was pretty good. Eric Rale is really funny in it. I got to film some audition shit for the fucking so I think is you know They made it like two years ago probably too late to be in that one, but

Texting stop I just don't I've never talked in my life. Hey, man I heard you were making a movie and I might I've just not kind of now started to like have like I guess some Samoans of a career So if you could make like another movie also if we could like have a different reality where you and me are like boys And stuff you just put me in your movie. That's fine. I can probably be like maybe your boyfriend or something Sweet hot dog sweet hot dog What the fuck happened to me Yeah, I could do I don't know we just fucking

I'm still hurting dude fucking drink too much. I'm still kind of like from fucking shakigy and see you're rapid feeling like dog dick And then uh No, I don't know What you been up to? I've been home from work last couple of days cuz I've been A little ill didn't want to get pneumonia You have COVID?

No, I've got like a respiratory infection. Oh shit. It's fine. I don't really care. I just This is one of those things I like to get into a couple times a year and so those things i like to get into couple times a year uh... that the bright guys by far the figure out again emergency in here alice is that what clinics and stuff now that well basically

from some uh... well i mean they do but it'll be like you know i'm five million dollar well you yeah that or like oh, this is like a You sign up for this stuff and then in like six months You'll get an inhaler or whatever, you know, no, I feel you but I just basically just paid More money than normal for them. So that was nice. Yeah For them so that was nice. Yeah By what like zip health or whatever, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's cool It's just funny cuz I was like, oh, I maybe I can also get the asthma medication

I'm supposed to be taking they didn't have that but I do have semiglutide. I'm like, why do they have a zimpy? fucking asthma medicine that I Was just talking to a buddy because I had to do is three different kinds of boner pills Yeah, yeah, like I don't I think that in the same way that TVs are like like quality of life and cost of living is like You know declined and skyrocketed respectively and you can get a 75 inch TV for like 300 bucks I feel like medicines that like make you healthier are harder to get but if you want to have like a super hard dick or six pack abs like

that's going to be easier than ever. Kind of just cruising towards like a body horror type deal where everybody has like really bad asthma and everybody's like sub 70 IQ but they have huge beautiful hard turgid penises and like crazy six-pack abs and like like You know, it's 3% body fat year-round Everybody is like really crazy stupid like moronic like pretty much functionally illiterate beautiful beautiful stupid men and beautiful bimbos everywhere and Nobody's fat and you can eat as many burgers as you want I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, You can just get on Instagram and then yeah to your point There's like eight different types of wago V that you can get on it'll make you skinny

And then there's like 50 different types of dick pills, and then if you're a girl they even have a pill now You can take that your pussy. I guess we'll just get like crazy fucking slimy or whatever the fuck And and you can be skinny too And nobody has to read. We'll all just kind of have like a chat GPT thing plugged into our heads. It'll go fuck now and then you can, your penis will get crazy hard and then you'll go skinny now and you'll get super skinny and then you can just fuck for like a couple days and then you can go watch, you can go watch MrBeastGames on YouTube. And then that'll probably be the rest of your life

Does that sound cool to you? Yeah works for me cool. I Hope I don't have any kids. I don't think I don't even know if I mean bad for your stand-up career So that's what I've been putting lead in your sperm. Oh you want my stand up career to go good? Yeah that's why I'm going to make sure you don't have kids. Oh okay you want my, oh well I appreciate you looking out for my career. You take your sperms. You don't make me like infertile you just make it to where like my life is very very

very complicated and difficult. I think you're going to have kids where they'll be like really fucked up so that way you can leave. Like infertile you just make it to her like my life is very very very complicated Yeah, and difficult Think you're gonna have kids with they'll be like really fucked up so that way you just leave Yeah, of course. I'll be that big of a deal. I would leave fucking so fast dude. I'm so out of there So Asperger's I'm out of there. I'm out dude. Fuck figuring that shit out colorblind Yeah color me fucking shot see what color your new dad ends up Oh deaf sorry, I'm definitely going Very good. Oh

Add I've got 80 of these bullets. I'm gonna fire Directly your fucking stupid ass body I'm sorry. I think your baby might have a DD He's he's obsessed with he's very fixated on his binky He likes to suck on it He's sucking his baby think he's neurodivergent. He won't look anybody in the eyes right now Your divergent baby, hey, hey, yeah seems like pretty antisocial right now Born crying BPD

Yeah, histrionic personality disorder. What do you think is the, like, a genuine question for Thomas, what do you think is kind of like the motivation behind the like, like we were at the open mic and people, not necessarily just in stand-up or whatever, but like just people being like my ADD I found out I was ADD and it all made sense and these

people are like in there like 20s and stuff I just don't understand the I don't like I know that there's like social currency and being mentally ill and it seems like it's a new mental illness like every few years like back like in the tumblr days people would like like insomnia was cool to have or whatever people like homes Can't sleep So I'll tell you why it's cuz people want to be more fucking mentally useless than white Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is very good. I'm such an ally. Yeah, I have my mild autism

So yeah, I'm oppressed just like you. Yeah, you're fucking not You're 35 years old you work in tech dude. You're doing awesome. Yeah, even it's like oh, you're a bartender or something, but it's like Or people will be like yeah like growing up I didn't feel comfortable speaking about it. Shut up. Shut, yeah, shut, yeah. Yeah, dude, shut, shut. Speak about it to a therapist. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then don't even tell. Don't even tell them.

There's nothing wrong with being in therapy. But then why do I have to hear about the therapy? Yeah. When you're doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All the, the stand-up only being about the therapy you're doing People need to be paying if I'm a therapist. I'm charging more if you're just spilling our beans on stage

Yeah, if it's material if you're just using me for material this I'm trying to help you get that work Yeah, and you're like, I've got a little bit of spicy brain. I've got a little touch of the tism I've got a little bit. I've got I'm a little spicy brain Dude, so here's a fucking love having afflictions. Yeah. Yeah being on the edge of they love being urgently On the edge of death all the time. You know I don't know how much longer I can hang on Guys all the time you know I don't know how much longer I can hang on I have autism I don't know how much longer guys because I feel like I was at like that briefly in high school yeah probably gonna end things soon I just yeah I just oh for sure yeah just not cut out for this world maybe

you get older you know even slightly older and you're like well that was gay of me Yeah, let's just try and give being normal shot Yeah, just kind of try and thug it out a little bit. Uh-huh. Just on a basic level Yeah, because as soon as people slightly younger than as soon as people around you start doing that you realize how fucking annoying it is And you start going out of your way to not be friends with those people I mean if you need help fucking every month for me Like I'll help a brother out

But if like every month you're going through some shit where you are on the edge of surviving I will leave you to die I'm not built for it brother. No that is because at that point It's a hobby for me. Yeah, you know that bullshit. Yeah, and I You know there are people who have worse lives than others. Yes, never the people with the worst lives And it's never you know, but every you know Most I to your point. It's like most the guys. I know who are doing really bad Like really bad like they have every right to call me every day. I talked to them like you know Two three times a month. I'm like hey doing button

They're like yeah same old dog shit man, and I'm like alright. Well. What do you need for me? Like not a fucking thing brother. Love you Meanwhile I gotta buy I've been thinking of a couple friends in the extended friend group that like, their lives are pretty awesome and I go, oh my God. I just, I don't know if I can do this. And it's like, what, make 200 grand are you working in tech sales?

Shut up. I don't care. I don't give a. I feel like the more control over your life you actually take take the less you Kind of feel a Lot of people just kind of fall into their lives. Yeah for sure And I don't think until I moved in New York, I fully felt like

you know Like no one shit is not going well. I It doesn't you know, obviously it's still you know obviously it's still you know it's still stressful but like it'll be like oh well I you know I'm not sure how I'm paying rent this month it's like well I did just move to the you know like third most expensive city in the world and then you know United States or whatever and I did so You know making like 12 knowing that I was for sure make like $12,000 a year. So You know, I'm not really mad at anybody else for that one. And also if I you know, you can't you can't go

Asking for the for the for the lifeboats You know when the within the first year I feel like. No, for sure. But. Well, I think it's just there's this idea that, like, if you say anything, if you leave a snarky comment or you say anything like, why is this your whole deal? People get really mad. You know what I mean? Why is this your whole deal people get really mad?

You know what I'm saying like a lot of people don't like to like They don't actually want to solve Anything or like do anything differently? like But a certain age like you get to a point where it's like oh damn like things are not going that well like what do I need to do differently? Yeah, and then it doesn't even freak you out that bad that things aren't going well because you know like

Yeah, I know what needs to be done or whatever what needs to be different. Yeah a lot of times It's just I need to make more money this literally yeah to be on my phone like I need to be on my phone less I need to be exercising more. I need to stop eating dog shit need to stop drinking Yeah, a lot or at all. Yeah, and or like my friends are losers There's like an aspect of it too. That's like oh well like I'm mentally ill because I live in like like capitalist hellscape which like Yeah, dude like I don't I don't like't like, deride that or cast aside at all. Like that, I think most people's problems are because they live in a place

that doesn't care about them, and they have to like work 50 hours a week to just barely get by. And like that would make anybody insane. But I also feel like you do yourself a disservice and everybody else around you who's living in the same thing when you're like I've just got like a spicy mind. You probably wouldn't get it

Because my mind is just so spicy. Like it's just so Hot but I've got like a touch of the tism and I have a spicy mind and I'm just kind of like that urgent or whatever Yeah, part of that is millennial brain. I think yeah for sure like my my my coat my coat my generational cohort Definitely I think like like I think zoomers do that too. We just have different words for that stuff Yeah, but I think With us I feel like it's way more of the like autism co-opting Yeah, I feel like oh well, I'm just like an undiagnosed

autistic. It's like go to get if you think you have autism you know you can go you can go get that shit checked out. Yeah. Um like I have a cousin who ended up being autistic but like he like collected collected Lord of the Rings figurines, he had a bunch, way too many of them and we only talked a couple times, that kinda added up. Nice guy but, you know if you just, for me I would never get tested for something like that

cause I already entered adulthood. Well I- And also I just don't want that to be a part of also I'm not like I am legitimately not, um, but like, uh, maybe if you, you know, if you're, uh, going to have kids or something, you know, maybe it's better to know yourself better, get checked out by people or whatever. Um, yeah, I'm also not against getting your kids checked out, but like, this is a little toxic masculinity,

but if you're a grown man, and you're handling your business, and you're like 40 and you wanna go get yourself checked for autism, like, bro, like this, like do you wanna be fucking, like, like I know people who def, I know older guys who like, people joke about it, but like, I know people who deaf I know older guys who like people joke about it but like I knew a couple guys from like there's no there's literally no way no that is a normally functioning brain and nobody

will ever tell them there's no hope for you you know a couple everybody knows a couple guys where it's like don't even tell him don't talk to him about it. Yeah He thinks he's fine. Yeah, yeah, it's completely fine like yeah, you work with a couple guys that are like that's a This is my socket and you've moved my socket wrench from this to this drawers for the sockets And he drinks fucking 900 beers a week and you if you tell him He's autistic and he finds out what that is. He's gonna die Fucking die. Yeah, it's just those are his sockets. That's where they go. Those are his wrenches. They're in that order

There's also the fucking I I don't think I've talked to you about this and I but you're The aside that you so graciously provided the audience, this is my toxic masculinity. Whenever I see a video or a post about healing your inner child, if I see a woman making a big video about it. I'm like, it's still annoying. It gets I'm like, whatever dude your inner child like yeah, do you listen like from like three Till basically like 18. It's all bets are off Like there's a bunch of like fucked up family members. They're gonna do all sorts of weird shit They're gonna say weird shit

They're gonna do weird shit in front of you and that's probably gonna fuck you up in a bunch of weird ways But I feel like every time I see The heal your inner child guy content. It almost feels adjacent to gay for pussy style guy You know what? I mean like a guy that's like Hey, you know what? I mean like that guy that's like hey you know what I mean like that type of hey how's it yeah hey no yes I'm working on myself and it's like no man like I'm my inner child man like it's just like I got a feel I got to heal that generational trauma you know what I mean no what's wrong with you is

is wrong with you it's a part of you like your bones are you can keep tabs on it And you could probably fix some of the bigger stuff if you have good people in your life They're like you're fucking annoying and you stop. I'm willing to live with you and forgive you for that But all this shit about healing your inner child Like your inner child is he's gone He's gone, but What about your annoying inner old guy who at some point is going to realize you've been an annoying pussy your whole life? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. What about your annoying whiny negative 38 year old adult guy that just fucking... And if you listen to this and you're like Jake you're a fucking whiny bitch and I'm like, yeah But I also don't like gussy it up in any way like Yeah, the only way to actually think or act appropriately is the way that we do it right which is do you think? Or approach like to keep in mind. We're both The most the probably the best societal

model of who guys should be, which is podcasters. Yep. Podcasters and online entertainers. Guys who couldn't hold down a normal job just can't do it. We both have normal jobs. Yeah, but I mean, I Feel like you and me like We're both really successful. Yeah, that's true. We're both millionaires Dude if I had a million dollars, it's kind of you kind of said it earlier

But it is I was thinking I was like, you know my life I had $5,000 my life would be fucking awesome Yeah It's I can always kind of tell when somebody like like what's the you know You always say what's the number of like the money that would change your life, and I'm like literally ten grand Just ten grand like flat just ten thousand dollars dude if I if I got ten grand right now I would have like dude. I have like eleven grand Thomas I'm not trying to flex, but if I had ten grand I'd have thirteen grand Thomas I'm not trying to flex but if I had ten grand I'd have 13 grand

I'm not trying to flex on you or nothing, but I would have about I would have thirteen thousand two hundred dollars. I think Which hey, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't I don't I think there's too much fucking like The commodification of therapy speak, and therapy speak in general I think did the exact opposite of what it was intended to do. Where in like, a good therapist should just be like, hey, like, yeah, you're avoidant and you know, like, you're reflexively angry because of X, and z but they shouldn't be like you've got spicy mind and you've got soiled heart and you've got cowardly spine and you need to tell everyone about that every day and if anybody tells you to like

Just smile more and go for a run you tell them you can't because you have spoiled Skin and you have you have Bland soul or whatever the fuck no No, cuz if you gave me ten grand right now apparently I would have ten grand and two hundred dollars Yeah, y'all could check the y'all can check the numbers check there were check the records on that one Yeah, check all the three figure beep The three figure beep This Christmas

This Christmas, when one man finds $220, his whole life changes. Mom! Starring Bill Murray, Rachel McAdams, Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, and as the man who finds $200, Thomas White in his premiere role. When one man finds $220, Christmas becomes a whole new holiday. Finally, I can get gifts from my family for Christmas. Up to $30 each. I'm going to give my mom a $25 gift card to iTunes. She doesn't even listen to music.

Spend the other $5 on movie candy. I'm going to give my dad a $10 pack of cigarettes It's been the other $20 on two other packs of cigarettes I'm gonna get my nephew I'm gonna get the rest of my family gifts, too You're you've got that's $90 Thomas you've got $120 left 90 plus $120 left. $90 plus $120. Is it $210? $210.

Oh, I'm sorry. $230. Yeah. $130. Yeah. In Man in Times Square. When one man, when one man when one man

forgets to pay his child support and thinks that he has an extra two hundred dollars the world is unlocked Santa's coming to town this winter in forgotten child support. I could get a brand new car. With $287. He's got seven missed calls. He's got 10 unread texts. He's got two

court summons, but you know what he has more of? $230. This is my life is gonna be great in this Nobody has more of... $230. This is... my life is going to be great in this... Lexus. If you're asking yourself, where do you get a Lexus for $230? Why are you asking questions on Christmas? This is ridiculous. $230 down...

$930 a month. For a two thousand... two thousand two... $930 down $930 a month for 2002 Lexus Camrola. Lexus Camrola. You gotta love that Lexus Camrola. It's got seven doors, 18 windows, seven wheels, and one huge pedal. It's got two 4-cylinder engines adding up to a V8. The steering wheel, it's directly in the middle, but it's also in the back. The Lexus Cumbrollia, brought to you by Dodge.

Hello Michael, I want to drive the Lexus Camerola. I want to drive the army's car. Sit in the back and you can control it. We've got a new Sticky Boy as our spokesperson for the Lexus Camerola. Hey Sticky Boy, I heard that you had to get a job so you can get out of Sticky Boy Prison. Yes? Who told you? Sheriff Bear? No, my name is... Lexus Camerola. I invented this car. Wow, you're so smart.

I know, I'm probably s- You should have gone to science school. I did. I went to seven science schools and I got ten degrees in science and car. That's why they call it 7-11, 7 science 11 car. Seven cars, seven windows too. One big pedal, one big wheel, eighteen windows for your family. It's the Lexus Camrola. Going to the gas station to get some pills for me going to the Walmart so I can get some oat milk my

wife Texted me to go there. I forgot to do it because I was reading scripts I'm the sheriff sheriff Lexus Comrola. I did not do any of the chores my wife told me to do I Call her my wife. we probably should get married soon we're just mostly still engaged mostly still engaged sometimes people ask me where's your wedding ring that's weird and I will say I just call her my wife because I love her but I don't have the money to get She's not 18 yet. She is 15 she goes to school she goes to school and studies to

be an adult she has to go to adult school and she's my little wife we live in a big tree house and I invented Alexis Camerola. Camerola, Camerola, the car takes you very nice and long and it is a new car. I've got a big big alligator, he lives in my house and I owe him ten bucks. If you're listening to this that means that you didn't get Alexis Camerola. It means that you powered through another classic episode of Pendeo time a free one. It's Thursday. The episodes late It's on my bad. I had a crazy ass emergency yesterday I fucking found a big gold bar and stamped inside of it was the word of the Lord and I brought it to the FBI And they confiscated it, but they did tell me to tell you guys to go to patreon.com

Slash Pindeo time toss us a dollar a month that gets you access to the discord nothing else five bucks a month gets you access to Backlog of episodes about 300 of them. You can listen to all those motherfuckers and tell me how you feel You can give us ten bucks a month gets you access to the discord the bonus episodes and then a backlog of premium video episodes with amazing guests like Ben Avery like our friend Sam like Buh-bye DJT that's about it and you can also go to our YouTube Padao time worldwide sub sub sub sub sub sub subscribe To that shit and check out all of our free video episodes

Also follow the show on Instagram Padao time worldwide follow me on Instagram to Jake We're Jake Rhodes at a bunch of ones follow Thomas to Leno killer and those zero And check out my band drunk uncle on Spotify I'm just gonna start plugging that too cuz why not it gives a fuck Uncle on Spotify. I'm just gonna start plugging that too. Cuz why not? It gives a fuck And then I have a show February 13th at the motherfucking Velveeta room That is gonna be Valentine's Day week bring your Motherfucking hubby or your motherfucking wifey and come catch some slick ass jokes because I'm trying to build an hour and

Most of it will be new and it won't be any good. Thomas? Check me out at St. Mark's Comedy Club on the 18th. And that's it for right now. Alright, goodbye. Bye.