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We were watching, we were watching fucking Love Island.
And I was like, you know, they have this thing called the
bombshells where they like, couples will be like matched
up or whatever and they bring in like five hot ass dudes or
like five hot ass women to shake things up.
And I was like, Oh, wouldn't it be funny if they had
something called like the piece of shit.
And it was, and it was me and I walk in and I'm drunk.
You know, I got my, my belly out and I'm so fucked up. And I'm like, you know, I got my belly out and I'm just all fucked up and I'm
like, you know, fat and ugly and she goes, oh babe, you're not fat enough.
And I was like, what? And she was like, you're not, she knew, she knew, she knows.
And I was like, I'm not, I wasn't, I'm sorry, I'm not what? And she was like,
you're not, it's just like, you're not fat. That wouldn't be funny, because you're not like a fat.
And I was like, fat enough.
Fat.
We're not fat enough to be disgusting.
And she was like, I mean, like, but for it to be like funny,
you have to be like really fat.
And I'm like, OK.
So what are we talking?
She was like, stop.
Leave me alone.
She knew she slipped up. She fucked up. And I was like, no. Leave me alone. She knew she slipped up.
She fucked up.
And I was like, no.
And now, dude, she's like, hey, can you take the trash out?
And I'm like, I don't know.
I'm really fat.
I'm really fat.
I think I'm getting so fat that I can't move.
She's like, stop.
Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
Eden called you ugly, too.
Dude, we're doing good.
She didn't use the word ugly.
That wasn't the word she used, but it
hit in a similar place in my heart as ugly would.
And that's OK, because it's just a part of life
where you have to work through the wrongdoings of others
and all that.
But I'm just kidding.
No, it wasn't that bad.
But sometimes you go for the clean shave as a man.
You look, I think you look very cherubic.
I think you look cheery.
I think you look.
I look cherubic?
Yeah, you look very like, you look happy.
You look jolly.
Jolly?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you. That's what I was thinking. Wow, your face is getting so
jolly. No, come on, dude. I think you look nice. Well, wow, Thomas, your neck looks so
jolly. No, it's okay. No, I actually just went to the gym and I'm wearing, uh, these are board shorts.
I'm wearing board shorts.
Nice.
Because, you know, I, because it's summertime and everybody has a clean shave and they got
their board shorts on.
And, and we're getting fatter and that's okay, you know?
I've lost 12 pounds.
No, I'm talking about me.
I'm talking about me.
We're getting fatter.
That's what, that's what's happening.
It's funny. Well, that's why I posted that picture of me looking fucking disgusting the other day, because it was making me laugh.
And it's actually the best I've looked in a while.
Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, if people make fun of it, it's funny to me because I'm already doing this.
I'm already actively losing weight, so it's funny to,
you've got to troll a little bit.
Yeah, well, I love being a troll.
Because I figured out, if you're posting pictures of yourself
on the internet, you're going to get made fun of no matter
what in some way.
Yeah, of course.
But if you can anticipate it before and go,
this is something I'm going to laugh at then it's it's good and then I
had I had three I had three people who told me that they needed me I don't
think this was the case if I'm being honest I because if it if you're looking
at podcasters beach pictures and you going, this is who I need, then...
Something's fucked.
We've got to take it.
We've got to take your ass back to the therapist.
It didn't work.
Yeah.
It's over.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't...
It's not 2019 anymore.
Yeah.
We can't all be messaging Nick Mullen asking him
to take pictures of his feet for us.
Well, he got really jacked there for a minute.
So that, I mean, that like, I guess, made sense.
But it's for I think he has a I think
Nick might have a higher bench PR than I do.
And he was like probably 160 pounds at the time. Yeah, but I mean, that's like, dude, if I do. And he was probably 160 pounds at the time.
Yeah, but I mean, that's like, dude, if I honestly.
I'm not jealous, really.
I'm just saying that is pretty impressive.
Yeah.
Not that I have the world's greatest bench record.
I'm just saying, body mass wise am a larger fellow.
225 bench you or like? Yeah. No, that's not PR. That's probably
what I could do now. But what was your PR dude? Fuck you're
benching 270. Yo, that's crazy. No straps. No straps. Raw 270.
No strip. No strap. No belt. Come on. You're jerking me off. You're coming on me. 270. That's crazy, dude. That's crazy. No straps. No straps? Raw 270. No strap, no belt. Come on.
You're jerking me off.
You're coming at me.
270.
That's crazy, dude.
That's pretty.
That was 2021?
Yeah, I think I remember, actually.
We were like a year into the show, or two years,
and you were talking about it.
Dude, I remember.
You were hitting that, and then you came to visit,
and that's when you lost like 70 pounds. You were like benching. I remember you texting me, and you you were hitting that, and then you came to visit, and that's when you lost like 70
pounds.
You were like, binging.
I remember you texted me, and you were like, yeah,
I just hit 270.
And then literally like two months later,
you came to my apartment, and you
looked like a cancer victim.
And I was like, what the fuck happened?
And you were like, I think I have some mystery illness.
And it would take me like five really good years
to get back there.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because that took me so long.
That took me so long to hit.
I plateaued so many times before breaking through.
It was funny because I think I hit the 1,000 pound club
or whatever, but literally only 1,000, like total.
Like right at the number.
And then that was, I remember people
hitting that in high school.
For me, that was the combined most weight
I'll ever lift in my life.
Yeah, I think people get really, like, if you can do that,
like, people write off the 1,000-pound club,
I think, because of social media.
But that's so crazy, dude.
Like, I-
It takes, for a non-athletic guy like me,
it takes some, takes some complete dedication.
Other than I didn't really dieted,
but I would eat a bunch of chicken sandwiches.
I'm like crazy weak, I think, because of the alcohol
and not working out and pills.
I went to the gym the other day and I was like,
oh, I was dead lifting 350 pounds for reps.
Not a crazy amount, but let me just throw that on
after about a year of not exercising and being high
and drunk.
You know when your back makes a noise you can feel?
It's not a noise.
It's a feeling.
But you hear the feeling in your inner ear.
I was like, yeah, dude, 350 pounds when I was like a buck
70, running every day.
That's really good.
Fighting.
I had competed.
I'm going to do that right now.
And the last time I exercised was to walk to the store
to buy more stuff to make me feel good.
And oh, yeah, just bad.
Just bad.
It's kind of like your phone vibrating, but in your lower spine, it's like a you pull something and it just goes all the way down
to your foot.
Yeah.
That should happen every time you deadlift.
If that's not happening every time you deadlift,
you're not putting on enough weight.
And it should barely come up every time.
I don't know if I will ever.
I got a new gym membership.
And I don't know if I can ever, I got a new gym membership and I
don't know if I can ever deadlift at this gym because
there's a thousand gay guys in there every second and they're
all strong as fuck and they're using all the weights. And
that's okay. But there's just no, they're where for me to be.
They got me, the gay guys are using all the weights that got
me using the elliptical because nobody else is doing elliptical.
It's a great machine, honestly.
It doesn't get enough credit.
It's a great machine.
My first day back at the gym I did a minute and 45 seconds of
cardio.
There you go.
All right.
I get the gist.
I think it's all right.
I don't really like, yeah, I just
don't really want to exert my body.
I keep trying, and it just keeps failing.
Because it's just easier to get me to do it.
My problem is everybody up here is so jacked.
Yeah, being in California, maybe I want to kill myself.
I was in California like basically two weeks this month,
like across the span of like late May, early whatever June.
I just maybe want to die.
Because people out there, dude, will drink alcohol all day.
And I'm sure like do coke and pills and stuff and they're all fucking jacked, dude.
I'm like, what's the fucking, what is the secret?
What's the secret?
Here's my thing.
How, weigh in, sound off in the comments,
how do you manage to be a drug addict and an alcoholic
and have 6% body fat?
If you can tell me.
I think they don't eat food much.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah I think
they don't eat food and I think they're probably on like different types of
peptides or whatever the fuck yeah that's probably it I was about to say
don't don't give me anything like oh you have to run hungover, or you have to lift weights hungover.
I'm not going to do that.
Don't tell me, oh, you have to drink vodka, water.
Don't tell me that.
I really like Coors Banquet, and I really like Scotch.
Yeah.
I think I've been trying to figure out what eating habits I need to address.
I figured out another one.
I've been eating fried plantains as a vegetable.
And it turns out it's basically candy.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no. I, no, yeah.
I would go to a Spanish spot, and I
would get fried plantains on the side, like it was broccoli.
Yeah, it's not.
It's just fried sugar with some fiber.
Yeah.
I know that pineapple is literally
the candy of the fruit world.
I know that it's not really healthy for you.
I'll eat a whole goddamn pineapple and at the end I'll be really sick, I have diarrhea and stuff
and I'll be like, I ate fruit today. I ate, I'm healthy. I'll drink like 15 beers and eat a whole
pineapple and I'm like, I'm Hawaiian. I'm on the'm on the island brother like hey like I'll drink 16 beers with a lime in it
I need a whole goddamn pineapple with the heen and I'm like a look like a brother like I'm fucking islander, dude
I got fucking big-ass forearms
I'm fucking red dude. I got so much shit going on for me. I'm fucking
I'm gonna in my mind. I know I'm getting fat again Thomas
because I'm doing the thing from It's Always Sunny that fat guys do where I'm
like I'm feeling stronger you know like I'll lift groceries up and I'm like yeah
I'm getting fat but like you know with with with weight comes mass and I gotta
stop or else I'm gonna I'm gonna get like because my body loves to be fat
I'll be 300 pounds again.
And like, dude, a year from now, I'll
come see you in New York to do spots,
and I'll be wearing the duster.
I'll be wearing the fat guy jacket.
We're going to look like fat Joe in Big Pun.
We're wearing the zoot suits and shit?
Yeah, yeah.
We're going to be wearing the black and white ox over it.
The ox blood, where the fuck?
Dude, I texted you about it.
But man, I really hope.
I hope this guy buys the van because I need to sell it.
I'm in a bit of a financial hotspot.
But I really hope he buys it, because I want him
and his friends to have furry sex in the back.
I want that for them.
I want them to fuck.
For those that are obviously not on the know,
I have a rockabilly furry named Stretch Pup looking
at the van on Saturday,
10 in the morning.
And he plays stand-up bass and he loves the stray cats.
And his fursona is Stretch Pup with two P's at the end.
And he's a huge, fat gay guy.
And he's awesome, he's very nice.
And I think he's rich,
because he collects classic cars.
I mean, he's literally just like a rockabilly greaser mechanic
guy, but he wears a dog mask and he goes bus stretch put.
And brother, let me tell you something.
I texted you and I texted JT about this.
And JT was like, they're going to have so much dog sex back
there, man.
And I was like, I know.
I want the van to go of good use
to somebody and I think the best thing for it is a bunch of better you just get
it is either that or a pedophile is gonna buy it yeah well I don't it's not
a pedophile van I mean I guess any right I took the bed out I did take the bed out because I got the bed
covered in a mud don't oh yeah
Hank got muddy. Oh, God, from Hank?
Jesus Christ.
No wonder you kept jumping up on me.
Leave my son out of this, dude.
Leave my son out of this.
Leave me.
He's a good boy.
Yeah, there's mud and slobber all over the steering wheel.
The shifter. It's like Brown.
Yeah, I got a crazy dog.
Well, it's good you toward it now.
I just took all the toilets out of here
and the big tub where you can scoop
you snow shovel and scoop all the shit out of these giant toilets put in a bucket
spit on it
Anyway, you gotta use it the bus for any in a van any stuff like that. I
Think this thing runs I never turned the engine on though
Pretty sure it's fine
It's got four wheels.
Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it.
I'm excited to meet the guy.
I was harsh on the furries when I first discovered them
many, many years ago, about two decades ago.
But the ones that I've interacted with have been really nice.
Yeah, there's way weirder people on the internet than furries, as it turns out.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, there's Nazis and such, I think where it really becomes bad, the problem is the furries with the the fringe
uh Nazi beliefs unfortunately become very funny. I'm sure it's a small percentage of the population
but you can't deny it is so funny. If you're gonna be a Nazi, you know At least put a funny spin on it.
I think that is a funny spin.
If you are telling me that I'm a race trader,
and you're going to throw me from a helicopter,
and I go on your profile, and I click the picture,
and you are a beaver, I love you, that's awesome.
That's the sickest shit in the world to me.
What would your persona be?
That's a wonderful question.
Have you seen the guy on Instagram who does the car reviews?
Yeah, regular car reviews.
Yeah, you know he's also a furry?
Yeah, he's a gay furry.
He dresses up like a bird.
Yeah, I love it, because he's different. A lot of them are foxes or bunnies or dogs or cats. He's great. He's awesome
Sometimes he needs to figure out what his page is about
Because I
Subscribed for the funny car reviews and then sometimes I'll get like financial advice or just yeah, I'm at like a in a club
talking to other furries or I guess he's a
Feathery a birdie
But anyway, yeah, what would you be and try and be serious about this for once I will
Just take something seriously for once you fucking coward
You fucking coward piece of shit motherfucker, please act like you're willing to die for something
For once in your stupid life. You owe you a clown. You're gonna be a comedian
Why don't you take something seriously? What fucking animal would you dress up as and get fucked in your ass you piece of shit?
I guess I would be
God's honest truth, man. I
Think I would be like I think I would keep it simple but classy. I think I'd be like a like a gray wolf
Or like a black a black fuck like a black wolf or something like something cool and mysterious. I know myself
It deep in my heart. I, I'm a fucking corny,
you know,
pseudo-intellectual idiot.
So I think if I was super autistic in that way,
I would probably be like, yeah, like a black wolf,
or like something that if you were autistic and gay you would think is a
cool animal that's mysterious that is what I would be no doubt my goddamn mind
I would uh what about you I'm thinking you're like a I see you as like a like a
pig or like a like a maybe like a big ape I was thinking armadillo. You can't fuck as you can't get fucked as an armadillo.
I would have a hole in my shell, I guess.
You could fuck me through.
Be like a glory hole.
But on one, it's an animal and on the other end it's a man. Oh my god, yeah you just, you're in like a really like a $25,000 realistic armadillo suit
but just the shittiest hole cut in the ass.
Like with a fucking...
Yeah, he just used it with a big drill bit.
Yeah, one of the ones he used to cut like into wood, like to make the holes in the wood.
Yeah, I was thinking that or possum. Yeah I
could see he's a possum for sure. Originally I thought snap and turtle but
again this with the shell thing I think it'd be even more complicated. Yeah you'd
have to really need a hole in my front. I could only be it probably just had my
balls coming out of it. I think the problem with the snap. Actually, being a real jacked kind of corso,
and then you have your bold showing through your pants.
It's a super tight suit.
Yeah, a body suit, like a jacked con
corso in a black body suit with just your dick out of your pants?
Yeah, and it would have like the sheath style,
so it would be like your dick and balls were hanging out,
but they were in the suit.
Because you can always see, if there's
one thing you can see on a pit bull, it's always the nuts.
Yes, yeah, that's 100% true.
I saw one the other day, man.
They were so pink.
They were like little cherries.
When I was walking around, we were in San Diego
doing the show, and this lady walks past.
I was talking to Connor McNutt.
Shout out, Hate Watch.
And I turn over to Connor and Ben, and I was like,
do you guys see the?
Real quietly, I was like, did you see the nuts
on that Frenchie?
And Connor and Ben, both really loud,
they're like, that dog's got a huge dick and big balls, too.
Like, real loud.
The lady was right next to us.
She just turned around, and she looked at both all three of us and I was like
I tried to like play it off and Connor was like it's big dude it's a big-ass
dick and balls we need to get out of this city man sometimes you look at a I
See you're pivoting away from the pedophile thing and now we're going into dog fucking
Myring yeah
Man, you know sometimes you see a dog with a nice set
Honestly, you're not wrong. I'm not even not came and joke. You know what I mean? Sometimes you see a dog. He's got a huge, huge dick and a huge nice.
You're like, fuck, what am I doing?
My shit's nowhere near that size and he doesn't even know how to read.
But I've never seen a cat stick and been like nice.
It's always upsetting.
Yeah, it's like emerging out of this little creature is innocent looking creature.
It's like a pin. I told creature. It's like a pin.
I told Ashley that-
It's like a tongue.
Yeah.
I told Ashley that Otis was sticking his dick
in the litter box and just planting it there.
And she was like,
she was like, why?
Why is Otis doing that?
Like, just a very, like a woman's response.
Like, is he okay?
And I was like, no, it's awesome.
This 12-year-old cat that almost dies every year
that my friend owns just sticks his dick in his litter box
and just hangs out there for a little bit.
It's awesome.
Yeah, they're both over 14 now.
Still fucking the litter box.
Yeah.
No, I think he just doesn't like to splash the pee or something.
He's a gentleman.
So he just puts it in there so it's low impact.
It's like you ever, um, whenever you were a kid, did you ever put your penis under the water?
In the toilet?
No.
Anyway.
No, I, uh...
No, because you have to lift up.
You ever lift up that?
You lift up the seat?
Do I lift up the seat to piss?
No, whenever you were a kid, did you ever lift up the seat
then dip down in there?
No, I never did that.
Oh.
Me neither.
I did pee in the tank, though.
I would piss in the tank as a kid. I've never tried that before. Does
it refill the toilet with pee? It does. It does. Which is a very very, it was very funny
for me to do that. Does it kind of spray the pee whenever it does that? What do you mean
like spray the piss into the bowl? No, does it kind of, does the bowl kind of spray up
from the bowl? I mean does the water kind of spray out from the bowl a little bit? No, no it just
refills the toilet with piss. So if you shit in there it refills the water with
with piss which is a wonderful trick to pull especially if you have really
dehydrated piss which I did when I was a boy because I never drank any water and
I drink lots of soda. Yeah I I used to always, I would play drink the toilet water
with my coworker, but I would have actually came in the tank
about 75 times before we started the game.
And then I would go first round, and it would be water.
I'd flush the toilet.
I would flush the toilet to refill it with water,
and a bunch of ejaculate would come up,
and he would drink several cups of it
before realizing in the last gulp that it was semen.
I hate that.
That's what a terrible prank.
What a silly prank.
I got fired for it.
I would fire the fuck out of you if you did anything like that
to me, dude.
I would fire you.
I remember getting yelled at at work.
I worked at this advertising firm.
It was all women.
And I went and pooped.
And I flushed.
And I washed my hands.
But the next girl that went in there really loudly,
she goes, oh my god.
And I was like, how did I not flush?
Sorry. I didn't say that in my head. I was like, how did I not flush? Sorry.
I didn't say that in my head.
I was like, I forgot to flush.
That's gross.
It's embarrassing.
There was a pub on the toilet seat.
And my pubes are really crazy long.
And my boss was like, who's leaving pubes
in the toilet seat?
She was very mad about this.
She was like, who's leaving pubic hair in the toilet seat?
And I was like, oh, it's probably me.
And she was like, I don't know.
You know, it was really gross.
Well, why didn't you remove it?
And I was like, I didn't know it was there.
And then she was like, well, how did it end up there?
It was really embarrassing.
It was hard for her to talk to me about it.
And I just very confidently, I was like, oh,
sometimes when I'm going to number two, I just like And I just very confidently, I was like, oh, sometimes
when I'm going to number two, I'll get like,
if I forget my phone, I have to do some with my hands.
So I'll just pull my pubes out while I'm like shitting.
That's awesome.
And she didn't like that answer.
And I had left him on the toilet seat.
Kind of as like a move, like a power move or whatever the fuck.
But you know.
You should start ripping them out in front of her
and throwing them in her face.
Yeah, I hated her.
She was a lesbian.
I didn't like her very much.
She was from the root, like all the way out.
She was a lesbian.
She was probably mad because she knew that you were probably
stealing all the competition.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One of the girls I worked with was fucking,
this was at the height of the Vine, not Vine,
but like early TikTok.
And she wouldn't shut up about how she was fucking Nick Coletti.
Do you remember the Sawdude guy?
That's kind of cool. Yeah, she was like, so I've been hooking up with this guy.
He's like kind of famous.
And we would be like, and the girls would be like, who?
She was like, do you know that really, really funny hot guy
on the internet?
He's like the saw, like he says like sawdude.
And the girls would be like, oh yeah, he's super cute.
And I remember thinking to
myself like you're fucking Nick Coletti like like good on him for getting pussy I suppose
I'm sure he got a ton of pussy during the saw dude days Lord knows that if I was saw
doing if I was the saw dude guy goddamn you know whatever if I was a single man I would
be saw doing myself he's still doing stand up, I think.
Oh, really?
That's cool.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I hope he's doing it.
I hope he's fucking worth a million dollars.
There was him, Getter, that DJ guy, and then Dan something.
Remember him?
Uh, no.
I found him on Twitter.
Uh... He has blonde hair.
He did other stuff too. Blonde hair, mustache.
Oh!
Oh yeah, I know who you're talking about.
Uh, I think he...
Didn't he like...
He was like, I have to quit drinking alcohol or something.
I think that was him.
Uh... A lot of have to quit drinking alcohol or something. I think that was him.
A lot of guys should quit drinking alcohol.
I'm going to stop looking it up, because I don't want
to get distracted from the show.
Anyway.
I was looking at it.
I was looking at it, so, dude.
Now it would probably be.
Did I ever tell you about the one?
No, you go ahead.
Now you go ahead. I was gonna say I got a Vine account in like 2010 I think. 2010 or 11. And I was making vines and I was trying to be a funny vine guy. And one of the vines that I made was I took my little cousin's,
you know those cars for kids that you can sit in
and they drive around?
He had a Dodge Challenger one.
It was black on black, murdered out,
and it had a little sound system that my uncle had put in there,
like a little aftermarket sound system.
So I thought it would be really funny to drive it around
in the street with my phone.
And I was like, yo, I just got my little tykes.
I got my little tykes whip.
And I said the soft A inward.
This was 2010, so it's not bad.
And I was 16 years old.
And sometimes when you're 16 and you're white
and you live in Houston, you say the soft A inward.
It's not a big deal.
And the clip, we did some numbers.
And everybody thought it was really funny.
And I was like, wow, I'm going to be a Vine star,
like all of my favorite internet comedians.
Thomas, something happened in the world, culturally.
The summer going into college, where the comments shifted
from laughing emojis to people being very angry with me.
And I don't know why that was.
And so I did delete the video.
But I remember feeling really sad about deleting the video
because it was funny at the time.
And people were laughing at it.
So I was like, wow, this is my big break,
and I'm deleting my big break.
And I did repent for it.
I apologize to you.
We could be talking to fucking Mark Maron right now.
Because he deleted the video.
You could have a show with fucking Trevor Wallace, dude.
Because I deleted the video.
Oh, man.
Yeah, you could be, we could be lined up to fight KSI.
We could be boxing KSI, dude.
Did you see Jake Paul's video where he said boxing saved his life?
And if he wasn't boxing, he would be dead or in prison.
That's so awesome.
That's awesome. He should be killed soon, probably.
Both of them?
Yeah, why not?
Just kill both fuck it.
Yeah, I think yeah, I think the time is cut. I think we could start getting rid of some of the old youtubers and stuff
Who are still around? Well Logan's like a wrestler or something and
Jake Paul Box is like old guys.
So I don't think they do YouTube much anymore. I could be wrong about that.
I don't know.
Well, I think Jake got kicked off YouTube.
But I think they probably still stream.
I don't know.
I want to get on the Impulsive podcast and talk about important issues.
With that one guy, Mike, that everybody makes fun of for having sex with porn stars or something.
Which I don't know how that's a joke or how that's funny.
I've been listening to the song, It's Every Day, Bro,
that Jake did with Team 10.
I've never heard it.
Can we wonder if we can pull it up?
That was his breakout single.
This was when he was like right after he was done with Disney.
He was like, it's Every Day's everyday bro with the Disney Channel flow.
Oh my god, I've never heard this.
You never heard it?
That was how I first heard of Jake Paul.
OK, I am going to play.
We're going to keep talking.
I'm going to download this so we can play it on the show.
It's definitely going to get struck.
You think so?
Yeah, because all those YouTuber stuff
is always heavily protected.
Well, fuck.
When they're that monetized.
But go check out this song, regardless.
But you should listen to it.
I don't.
I will.
I will.
I don't like him, but that's OK.
How do you feel about his persona, his wiliness?
I don't know.
I feel like lately I've been really, I'll say it, Thomas,
I've been really black-pilled lately.
And, uh. Oh, shit.
Yeah.
I've been really black-pilled.
And I've been really doomer-pilled.
And I would like to maybe, I would
like for a lot of people to die.
That's kind of where I'm at.
I think Jake Paul would be among them.
I think like 250,000 people off the top of my head
that I think should be dead.
And he's probably among them.
Jake Paul, Logan Paul, I think I would spare iShowSpeed
because I like him.
I like his harmless whimsy.
I like his good spirit. I like his harmless whimsy. I like his good spirit.
I like his friendliness to the people of China.
I like that he went to the Republic of Ireland
and said, we're in Ireland.
It made me feel good.
But Jake Paul, Logan Paul, let me see who else.
I don't like the Kysonat guy.
Don't like Kysonat.
I don't like Gary Vee, even though he kind of fell off,
kind of wanted him to be dead.
I think things are a little too dicey,
so I can't say other people that I want to be dead,
because they have important jobs and stuff.
They're like trash men and stuff.
They're like, you know.
Yeah.
That's where I've been at.
And that's my answer to the question.
I think if it were up to me, I could press a big button.
Jake Paul would turn into a pink mist.
I think I would keep him alive, but only as my play thing.
You know what I mean?
Right. Yeah, how would you play with him?
He'd wear a large leather harness.
Oh, okay. Would he be chained up?
I wouldn't need chains. He'd be controlled mentally.
I'd break him psychically. Oh, god damn it. One second.
Just keep talking about that. I would use a blue force around the ankles.
I would use a purple force around the wrists,
sort of the ankles of the arms.
And I would use a red force on his neck.
I would use a large metal helmet with studs in it on his head.
And I would use different forces to twirl him around.
And he would actually create objects using
my patterns and my plant.
I don't know if that works for him.
What's that?
Oh, no, that was just the audience.
Oh, hello, audience.
Mind if I do some crowd work?
You, you here.
Oh, no, I just pointed to that guy.
OK.
Can we give this guy a hand?
All right.
No, that wasn't a very good hand.
You guys boo yourselves.
Oh, God.
You guys boo yourselves right now.
Oh, no.
This guy in the audience is talking.
This guy.
Yeah.
You guys like this guy?
You guys like this guy?
Yeah.
What do you? No, you you don't he's scary. Get really freaked out if this guy
is scary. Well I guess that settles it. Okay well that's my crowd word for tonight. Glad you guys enjoyed it.
What's your name?
Serpinta?
You're a lovely woman, and you're green.
Where'd she get those amazing scales?
Oh. Oh, well, that's nice.
You said you saw a green man and he had skills too.
Oh, he's your husband.
Oh, look at the big, big, big strong green men. Oh, look at the big strong green men.
Oh, wow.
Give this guy a...
Oh.
Would, Jacob, you were doing crowd work,
and the person turned into a green serpent with sound?
Would you, how would you make a joke out of that?
Well, I'm thinking about, I'm laughing at my head
thinking about going to do crowd work,
and you ask a guy a question, and he's like a demon.
And you're like, oh, you know, what do you do for work?
And he's like, oh, wow, that's crazy. like
as crazy you've been
you've been a torturer for one million years
okay what do you have to be torture
all the souls of those who don't accept jesus christ in their heart okay what's
your name
uh... as is often as now is that a biblical name? I'm sorry.
I get it.
Sorry, sorry.
Yeah, it's just funny to me.
Funny to me in my head.
I remember Jimmy Fallon one time was doing a thing.
This was way long ago.
This was at least this was like 10 years ago.
But the royal family, there was a baby
that was going to be born into it.
One of the bitches was pregnant.
Either one of the white bitches or maybe
one of the black bitches in the royal family was pregnant.
And so Jimmy Fallon was talking about it on his show.
And he went to the audience.
He said, if you were
to name the royal baby what would you name it and the intern or whatever
brought the mic up to this kind of weird looking guy but you know probably fine
just had like black nail polish on and stuff yeah V neck which was of the time. She hands the mic to him and he says, Prince Lucifer.
And Jimmy Fallon is just visibly annoyed.
And it's like, oh, OK, that's weird.
And can't really fully play it off,
because that was just such a fucking freaky answer.
such a fucking freaky answer.
Sorry, fuck. I was a part of this community theater troupe
when I was a teenager.
And we would go to this boys' home out in, I think,
Longview or something.
It was like an orphanage slash institution for wayward youth
or whatever.
And I was a part of the group of kids
that would like we would do acting games with them.
Like we'd play charades and stuff.
And then we would help them act out little skits.
It was just like a community outreach thing
that I did when I was a kid.
And it was always really fun.
And then every one time we were playing this game where you
would act something out.
It was like charades.
And it was like group charades.
And everybody would try to guess what you were acting out.
And you were on stage.
And it was supposed to be a thing that
build people's confidence or whatever the fuck.
And this girl who was one of the other community outreach
people, she goes up there and she's like,
I forget what she thinks she was.
I think she was singing or screaming or something.
But she just kept opening her mouth really, really wide,
like this, and then making a really excited face
and moving her hands around.
And they hand the mic to one of the boys,
and he was like, you're a coach.
And she was like, no, that's not it.
Hand it to another one.
And he's like, oh, you're like a comedian?
She was like, no, close. And then they hand it to this one and is like, oh, you're like a comedian? She was like, no, close.
And then they hand it to this one kid in the back
with greasy hair and just full blown school shooter.
And he goes, raping cats.
Dude, the whole room is dead silent.
It's just dead, just dead quiet.
And she goes, what?
And he doubled down and he goes, you were raping a cat.
And he looks around the room, like waiting for his laugh.
And he just starts busting out laughing.
And the, like the boys home, like lead guy,
he was an old dude, old black, he was 40s.
He was like, hey, hey, no, no sir.
Hey, you get out, you get out of here now. Like he was like a hey no no sir hey you get out get out of here now like he was
like a I guess like a drill sergeant type for the kid I don't fucking know but he made it worse
because I could hear him in the other he was yelling at the kid and we were just sitting in
there quiet like we didn't know what to do it was so absurd and he brings the kid out to like the
other room or whatever the fuck and I can hear him and he's like why would you say something like that the boys like I don't know it's
funny he's like wow they come all the way over here Houston show you a good time and
you you say something like rapey cats
and dude that's what I and like a couple of other guys from the team that we start
crying dude, like, cause I was trying to hold it together.
Cause look, I'm not even going to lie.
I thought it was very funny, but I was like, I can't laugh right now.
And I'm me, I'm in the back and I'm just like biting the inside of my mouth till it's like
raw.
Cause I'm just like, eh, eh, eh. And you can still hear me, it's like, hey, these people,
you know, people want to help you.
And the reason you ain't never going to receive no help,
because you say stupid shit like that,
talking about she's acting out stuff,
you trying to have fun, you say she's raping cats. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
And they fucking bring the boy back inside.
He's all sullen, and his eyes are all red.
And he's fucking wiping tears.
And the guy's like, you got something
you want to say to all people from the from the actor group and come out come down here
And he's like, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry
I said what I said and he was like no you say it you say it like you mean it and the boys like
I'm sorry that I said
raping cats
I'm sorry that I said, raping cats. And I just fucking, dude, I had to go behind the little stage,
the little black box stage.
It just fucking started bawling, dude.
I was losing my fucking mind.
And it's so fucking funny.
We were riding this bus back.
It's like a little van bus thing.
And I was just sitting there, and we're like, oh,
it's a good trip or whatever.
And the girl's just kind of like, she's admittedly,
she's not traumatized, but she's just like,
and I was trying to ease the tension.
So I was like, you know, do you want to place your aids?
Everybody got mad at me.
But yeah, I hope that kid's doing good.
I hope he's probably, I hope he's a big comedian somewhere.
Because he had good instincts, you know what I mean?
With a little coaching.
He could have a podcast called Pindejo Time.
I mean, it landed just later, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it landed fucking 15 years later.
Yeah, it was so awesome.
It was very funny to me.
Can't even lie.
Raping cats.
Anyway, that's stuff that you shouldn't do
if you're thinking about it out there.
Don't do that.
You shouldn't say stuff like that.
What the hell?
What the helly?
Do you hear that song?
Hank.
Might just be a New York thing. Yeah, I have, it sucks. Hank, quit. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell? What the helicopter? Yeah, what the hell? What the hell, Gala?
What the live brown James?
Hank, quit your howling.
It ain't hound dog hours.
He's in there going, I woo.
This is my impression of that guy,
if he was peanut butter.
Okay.
What the jelly?
Okey doke.
Dude, did I tell you?
Let me tell you.
I went to go see TJ Miller at Creek.
Well, I was doing spots, and I swung by the creek,
and TJ Miller was there.
You went to see him?
TJ Miller?
TJ Miller has his own peanut butter brand
called PB&TJ.
And it looks pretty fucking good.
He's got like dark chocolate truffle.
He's got like caramel swirl.
He's got all sorts of different types of peanut butter.
And he was out there drunker than a day is long
in like a fedora hocking peanut butter to the people at the show.
And it made me think maybe we should get into some sort of food item.
He seems like a good model for success.
You know, you get in the Transformers movie,
threaten to blow up an Amtrak.
You throw a lady down a flight of stairs.
No, I mean, come on, man.
Anybody can redeem themselves.
He had a stroke at 30 years old.
Did he have a stroke?
Yeah, he had some sort of a manic episode or something
where he had like a brain hemorrhage.
He has brain damage.
Oh.
I think it kind of like broke some of the processing
for his brain.
So like his, I've seen him before.
He just has like, there are parts of his like timing
and stuff that just don't make sense anymore.
Like on Silicon Valley, he was, I mean,
obviously on a show, your timing's gonna be perfect,
hopefully, because it's pre-recorded,
but you know what I mean?
I don't know.
I don't even know what all his allegations were.
Actor and comedian T. comedian TJ Miller has publicly
disclosed that he has an arteriovenous malformation
in his brain.
An AVM is an abnormal connection between arteries and veins
in the brain that can cause bleeding
and other neurological problems.
So the surgery was successful, and he's
now living a normal life.
It seems like he's fine.
Oh, that's good.
It all worked out.
TJ Miller controversy.
Let's take a look.
I don't want to say anything bad.
He did assault an Uber driver.
Who as it?
Yeah, I've thrown hands at a couple of them.
The Korean one's really not a fucking fight, dude.
For real.
Yeah, some of this stuff isn't good.
I thought maybe that it wasn't one
of the really, really bad ones.
I thought maybe he yelled at somebody.
It was pretty bad.
He did threaten to blow up an Amtrak, which that is funny.
More like PB and DV.
There you go.
Domestic violence.
He could have just gone DV and J, but we don't have to.
DV and J, domestic violence and jail.
OK.
Instead of Netflix and chill, hey, baby girl.
You want to come over for some DV and J?
Some delicious venison and jam?
Imagine a girl bragging this year
that she's banging TJ Miller.
Dude, I have a close friend who fucked Pauly Shore
and made t-shirts that said, I fucked Pauly Shore.
She's one of my closest friends.
So I think that this happened maybe four or five years ago,
man.
So people are out there, and they're doing that type of stuff,
and they're leading a normal life.
Pauly Shore, he was in, was he in the Time Machine
one with Keanu Reeves?
No, that was Bill and Ted.
That was a different guy.
Yeah.
No, he was in like the Stoner.
This fucking Stoner stuff.
In the Army now, Bio Dome, and Goofy movie.
Yeah.
I never saw any of that.
I think I saw the Goof goofy movie. Who did he play?
He played one of Max's friends before he moved off to college.
Yeah, they were really sweet to him.
Me too, man. Me and Max actually were pretty close growing up.
Were you? Yeah, he lived down the street from me.
That's awesome. I never had any friends growing up.
His dad used to play a game called ketchup.
What would you guys do in the game?
It was where you get a burger and you put sauces on it.
And the first one to figure out which one of the sauces
was ketchup would win.
Oh, OK.
So it would be three sauces.
One would be mustard, one would be mayonnaise,
one would be ketchup.
And the first one to figure out which one was ketchup
would win.
Oh, OK.
He always won.
It was always the first or second one he picked.
Sorry, my horse just showed up.
Oh, what an amazing horse.
It looks abused.
Yeah, I'll be hurting it.
It looks like its owner has been abusing it.
Yeah, I'd be choking it and slamming it on the ground.
It's got lipstick on it. It's got a wig on it.
20 years from now, or like success or whatever, I'm like,
dude, I got a horse, you gotta come see it.
You come to my house, I show you the barn,
and the horse is clearly like malnourished, has a wig on it,
like lipstick.
It's weird because they have a mane normally.
This one has fake hair yeah I was bleaching it too much yeah I was
bleaching it and I was starving it and stuff I wake up take the shoes off my
horse bleach it give it some smoothies give it some smoothies give it some give it some
french fries and then you know he eats about 10,000 calories french fries a day
you know an animal regular human shoes he wears a size 14 I get him at Ross
size 14. I get him at Ross. What's the horse's name?
Effervescence. You know effervescence the horse.
She actually comes from a long line of horses.
We have the paperwork for her mom was a horse, her dad was a horse.
All of the different types of horses and animals.
You're not supposed to feed them the smoothies and the french fries, but you know.
Nobody's going to tell me what to do with my horse, you know what I mean?
It's real expensive to have a horse nowadays now with how expensive smoothies are.
I'm thinking about making the smoothies at home.
I've been trying to make the most unhealth as horse, if I'm being honest with you.
I've been getting this once from McDonald's.
And I have to buy so many.
I spend like $300 on smoothies every day.
Yeah.
It would almost be cheaper to just give it horse food.
Like hay?
Horses can eat hay.
Yeah, horses can eat hay.
They can eat it, but they do like smoothies better.
Can you eat horse meat?
Yep, people do it.
Can you eat horse meat?
Yes, horse meat is eaten in many countries around the world,
particularly in parts of Europe and Asia.
However, it's not commonly consumed
in English-speaking countries, doi,
because we're fucking not weird, such as the United States,
United Kingdom, Australia, and parts of Canada,
where horses are often seen as pets or companions.
Yo, they be eating horses in France?
Kazakhstan makes sense.
Mongolia, I buy that.
Japan.
It's getting racist.
Switzerland, that's weird. Belgium, that's weird Belgium that's weird China no I'll
buy that I think I'm gonna start becoming more more racist more hateful
to people in my life that is such a bad idea he's sitting down for a beer with
you and like man I think I think I've found out the source of my problems.
And I think I'm going to start becoming more hateful,
caustic to people in my life.
Absolutely not.
Hate is never the answer.
The answer is always love.
Horse meat is described as redder, softer, and sweeter
than beef.
They describe me in the same way.
It has a delicate flavor.
I love delicate flavors.
I don't know about you, but
nutritionally horse meat is considered to be lower in fat compared to other types of meat,
higher in protein and iron. It also contains a higher proportion of omega-3 fatty acids,
my favorite type of fatty acid. Does Taco Bell still serve horse meat? See, with horses, even though I don't like the idea of horses
getting killed, I also have met cows,
and I don't like the idea of them getting killed either.
And it would be hard for me to say, oh, a horse and a cow
are way different things.
You know what I mean?
Also, a horse just has so much meat on it
that I kind of get it if you're in certain situations.
But with dogs and stuff, I'm like, all right,
there's not even that much.
Come on.
A horse is made out of meat.
I don't disagree with any culture that eats an animal that I wouldn't eat because I have hung out with cows and pigs
Plenty of times in my life and they're very sweet loving animals and I still eat the fuck out of those guys
And so whenever people get weird about people eating dogs or cats or whatever or horses or anything.
I'm like, I shouldn't eat meat.
I should be vegan.
I think vegans are right.
They're right.
I have no argument really for eating meat.
The only way I could justify my own consumption of meat
is if I killed the animal myself.
That's the only way I would ever see it be actually
morally permissible. But that the only way I would ever see it would be actually morally permissible.
But that being said, I also don't
think it's weird that other cultures eat other animals.
People are like, they eat dog.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
Have you ever hung out with a cow?
They're so sweet and cuddly.
They're so nice.
Have you ever seen a pig?
They're bad ass creatures.
They're awesome.
They fucking hang out in groups.
They have their own oinks and shit.
They don't talk.
You know what I mean.
They have social hierarchies and stuff.
They're smarter than fuck.
And I eat the fuck out of some pork belly.
Get out of town, pork shoulder?
God damn.
I'm about to put some fucking short ribs on the goddamn
Griglioneo post-haste after this podcast goes up.
I shouldn't do it.
I should be vegan.
Barbecue situation, what are we looking at?
We looking at a dry rub?
What are we looking at?
We are looking at dry rubbed boneless short rib.
We are doing, I'm going to reverse sear them
like you would a nice ribeye or a tenderloin. I've been marinating them in a red wine soy sauce mixture
with a lot of seasonings.
And then I'm going to throw them in the motherfucking oven
and then get a nice crust on each one
of those bad motherfuckers.
And I'm going to make some bowls,
like a goddamn
feta bowl or something like that sounds good you know I tried today that I'd
never had before the human layoff fish 25 year old never got no damn pussy 25
years old never had a piece of damn pussy in his motherfucking life had it for the first time that they hated it so I wish this was dick yeah
got his ass kill yourself just kidding man you had some filet of fish actually if
I didn't like pussy I'd probably prefer a man's ass anyway no I hadn't had a filet-o-fish before until today.
It was pretty good.
What made you want to try that?
Well, I was in an area that was mostly Chinese restaurants,
but none of them had a lunch special.
The menus were all very authentic, which is fine.
But it was like 100 degrees.
I didn't want like a peanut stew.
You know what I mean?
There's just a time in our lives.
Of course, yeah.
And I was just so tired.
And so I just got, yeah, I didn't get fries or anything.
I just got that.
It was good.
It was very crunchy filet.
I thought, OK, that's like a nice like beer batter type thing.
And there's like a little tartar sauce,
slice of cheese
Bun I thought this is pretty good. I try not to eat a McDonald's though But it was a little bit less calories than a burger
And you know fish is high protein. I thought I'm being healthy with this. Yeah fish
Yeah
Remember when Donald Trump said his favorite McDonald's menu item was the fish delight?
Were you around for that one?
I do remember that one.
One of my favorite Trumpisms of all time.
I could probably take down three or four of those things.
I thought, oh, this could be dangerous.
But I don't really eat at McDonald's.
I haven't really figured out if they're still doing the boycott
thing for that.
Did they give money to Israel?
Yeah, they gave free meals to the soldiers and stuff.
I don't know.
It's crazy.
I'm not really super online with that stuff.
I don't see everything, just because I don't know.
Dude, I got like 200.
Go ahead, sorry.
No, you're good.
I wasn't doing anything.
No, I legitimately forgot what I was saying.
Go ahead.
That's fine.
I got like 250 bucks from the Twitter payout,
which is pretty good money.
I don't know if they're all going to be like that.
No.
But they're not?
No.
I had it for a little bit whenever you could hide it.
Yeah, I wish I could hide mine.
I hate being a check markie.
Yeah, but I tried it, and then I felt weird about it.
And I got rid of it.
And thankfully, I got rid of it before they ever
made it public.
But I never really cared that much about, oh, god,
you gave me $8.
Yeah, I did, because I thought I could
make a little bit of money.
But it wasn't worth it to me.
I just felt weird about it.
There were all these features that I had no use for.
And I also felt like I was posting more
just to Triangle Viral and I don't like doing that. You know what I mean? Like I like to have a Spotify link here and there
I like to have some some some some there just for the boys or just for me. You know what I mean?
I'm not trying to go viral all the time. If something does pop off
I just wanted to because it's a good joke not because I'm like
I feel like I'm on the barrel all the time. If something does pop off, I just
want it to be because it's a good joke, not because I'm
so tapped into the algorithm.
That's how it used to be.
But nowadays, I'm like, I'll post something
at 1 in the morning, just because that's
when I think of it.
I don't like time anything anymore.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
If I can make like $500 a month off of it,
I'll probably keep it for a bit because I'm in, you know,
some might consider financial straits.
But yeah, I don't know.
It feels weird.
I don't also was going to say, I don't know if you notice this,
I have the check mark and my replies have gotten way worse.
And I think it's because they boost it to other people with it.
You know what I mean?
And I usually post, like, everybody involved in the administration
should have something fucking awesome happen to them.
And my replies will be like, are you some sort
of homosexual, like, libtard?
And I'm like, yes.
I'm gay. I'm gay and I'm I'm like, yes, I'm gay.
I'm gay and I'm soy.
I'm gay and I'm soy.
My T is low.
Thomas, I'm gay and I'm liberal.
My I'm soy.
My T is low.
Oh, gosh.
My T is low and I'm soy.
Anyway.
That's the last part.
Ah. Anyway. That's the last part.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh I'd be in my girl's ear like oh I'd love to do a death rat a little in the woman's ear just once.
It was just a woman walking down the street.
Yeah.
I wish I could do a death rattle on command.
I wish people could watch the life come out of me every day.
Like, if as a prank I could die, just sit down.
Yeah, just at a restaurant, just sit back in the booth
and pass away.
Like turn your wrists up and all that.
I would do it every time they were
about to bring the check over.
I would pass away.
Do you remember that guy on TikTok?
He's a Chinese guy that he was getting kicked out
of like every bar and restaurant in New York
for like setting his phone up,
going live, drinking beer, and then walking the tab.
And then when people would come over and be like,
are you the guy?
He'd be like, no, no, no.
He would go crazy as fuck mode, and then they would just
let him leave.
And then he would be like, if you yell, if you say you yell
and you say you don't want pay, they let you leave.
And I was like, fucking swag, dude. That's bad ass. I love that type of shit. the I'm in the fucking dog house. I'm in the fucking dog house. Uh.
Oh, Dickie, cat queen is a problem.
I'm in the dog house.
I'm in the fucking dog house.
Some of us are in the dog house every day
because we actually speak truth.
It's truth to power?
Yep.
We speak truth about whether we are going
to take the trash down or not.
I love saying I want to do it, and then I just don't do it.
That's pretty bad ass.
Anyway, if you're listening to this,
that means that it's free.
And you should head on over to Pendejo Time,
patreon.com slash pendejo time.
Toss us a little bit of fucking goddamn cheese-a-rinio, OK?
Dollar a month gets you access to the Discord.
$5 a month gets you access to the Discord, plus a bonus
episode every week.
$10 a month, access to video episodes,
Two Dope Girls, which is Thomas and Eden's exclusive new side
podcast under the Pendejo Time Extended Universe,
and an entire backlog of video episodes.
Check out the YouTube, Pendejo Time Worldwide.
Check out the Instagram, Pendejo Time Worldwide.
Give me a follow on Instagram if you want.
Jake Rhodes and a bunch of ones so I can fucking game that fucking shit too.
Check out Drunk Uncle on Spotify. Listen to that. That's my band. We have an EP
out called Fiction Years 2. Check that shit out. If you are in Austin taking a
little bit of time off shows, July 18th at the green room, I'll
be the motherfucking featured act at that fucking son of a bitch.
A weed-themed comedy club where I was supposed
to do a Hank and Hill, Hank and Hill, King of the Hill
meet and greet where I was going to do Hank's Voice
with Jonathan Joss.
And then I didn't do that, And then he tragically passed away,
which was a really weird moment for me,
because it was like the same day.
And it made me feel weird that that happened.
Rest in peace to one of the goats.
July 23, I'll be in Seattle with Lemon Party,
opening up for them.
I've been on tour with them.
It's been a lot of fun.
I threw up at the last one
because I had too many beers and I embarrassed myself. So hopefully I won't do that again. And
then July 24th, Portland. And then ladies and gentlemen, if you are in Milwaukee,
Chicago or Detroit, September 25th, 26th and 27th be on the lookout tickets are still getting finalized
from one of the venues but we have shows 20 Thursday September 25th at Milwaukee I think
it's going to be at a brewery hopefully a Morphic brewery maybe waiting on there to
get back September 26th Friday we are back at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago Motherfucking, Illinois at the big room so if this doesn't sell out my life is over
And then Detroit at the independent comedy club that Saturday September 27th three days of straight-up fun fucking banger Rooney's
We're gonna have Max Schenker Chicago's very own big dick baller. We're gonna have
Pendejo time extended universe
captain JT
Kelly on the road with us.
And then, of course, me and Thomas, everybody's
favorite podcasters.
Thomas, you got anything?
July 6, I will be at, fuck me.
I have, I just had it. July 6th, I will be at a bar in Astoria and the show is called
Bruce Keys. Son of a fucking bitch. I'll plug it next episode. Okay. Just yeah, look on
my Instagram and Twitter and stuff and you'll see, you'll see anything that I do. I have, yeah, July 6th is just a one-date.
Brewskis, it's called Brewskis, it's in Astoria.
Heart of Gold.
Heart of Gold is a bar in Astoria.
Go to that please.
Avery can valid this.
July 6th, go see Thomas, 8 p.m.
Something like that.
Something like that.
Hang out at the bar.
Yeah, all right, bye.
Bye.