Pendejo Time - Sweetman and Fuckman

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Officer Sweetman will see you now. AUSTIN, SAN MARCOS, SAN ANTONIO, NEW BRAUNFELS, CENTRAL TEXAS ETC PLEASE COME TO SEAN PATRICK'S STAND UP ON THE SQUARE. MY OWN SHOW I AM HOSTING/RUNNING AND TRYING TO BUILD FROM DA GROUND UP LIKE A REAL MOTHAFUCKA WITH THE SUN IN HIS EYES AND THE WIND ON HIS BACK. FREE W/RSVP. $5 AT THE DOOR. COME HANGOUT. I WILL BE SELLING THE REST OF THE MERCH FROM OUR LAST COUPLE RUNS. THANKS FOR SUPPORTING THE SHOWSupport the show

Wee, wee, wee, yay, wee, wee. I'm having a good time right now. Wee, wee, oh! Hello, Jake, hello, Jake. It's time to do the show. Yeah! It's time to have our fun and do the show you love. I love the show yeah have fun and do the show you love you it's time to do the show either carnival the carnival man man that works in the sweetman this why yes

Thomas sweetman show has the sweetman every show does that make me sourman does that make me necessarily you can select a role of your Own choosing okay, I choose to be Fuckman the sweetman and the fuck man Yeah, do every shows got you know the some used to be the straight man and the I guess the funny guy But now it's sweet men and fuckmen Thomas is quarter sweet little sweet cop fuck cop Yeah, hey listen. I know my partner is kind of crazy but uh

I just want to let you know that I'm gonna fuck you I But I just want to let you know that I'm gonna fuck you. I like the idea that I'm the crazy one. I would be abusing lollipops and stuff to get my way. Yeah, the sweet cop and the kisses and lollipops. Yeah, I guess you would be the guy that's like, hey, my partner is... My partner's crazy. Would you like a Reese's cup? That guy just fucked me, man. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. How about a Reese's cup? That guy just fucked me man. I pretty sure that's illegal. I'll put a nerd's rope Man, I think I need a lawyer that guy just tried to fuck me trust me

You do not want a lawyer what you want is some candy Here's some jelly belly who knows what the flavors are you sit tight? Just just make sure man that guy doesn't come back in here. he's fucking crazy I'm gonna make sure you get some awesome candy every once in a while while you're here okay but make sure he doesn't come back all right okay make sure your stomach doesn't grumble with all that candy I'm giving you hey how's it going hey hey so I see that sweetman officer sweetman just gave you a candy I'm sure hey, I'm the attack. I'm the guy who's got fucked what you're about to get You're the guy that's just got a bunch of candy and hey now. He's about to get fucked by fuck officer fuckman. Oh perfect

Hey, hey, I just got I'm so full-off Katie. I got a Hershey bar. I'm Taking price out of it officer sweep and Tom He told me that you requested a lawyer. I don't take too kindly to that Also, I did get fucked then right well I threatened to fuck the prisoner before you showed up and offered him candy and now I think I'm probably gonna fuck him and Then he's I'm telling him that if he requests a lawyer He's gonna make the fucking worse you understand So this I

My second voice I'm doing is it guy got fucked for sure Sorry sorry sorry cut cut cut wait just cut the mics okay, so basically what's happening is officer sweetman and officer fuckman are two guys in this Right I'm saying are these other or are you doing a voice of a guy who got fucked and then I'm doing a voice of a Different guy who's on end questioning so you were to I was the prisoner first right I was like don't let that guy come in and fuck me Yeah, yeah, and you were like don't get too crazy off the candy Don't get too sick of candy because my he's coming and then I Figured just it kind of what would happen is I I'm officer fuckman

I enter the interrogation chamber and you leave and then you become the prisoner who I just was and I've I now you Okay, so I it is the same person. I'll be sure wasn't a different person. No, no, no, no, no same person Okay, see all right same prisoner. I I you be the same voice the prison the prisoner man has just had a bunch of candy and he's very He's prisoner man has just had a bunch of candy. He's very concerned about officer fuckman entering the interrogation chamber and Officer sweetman has given him more than more candy than he needs okay, okay? So basically what's happening here is an absolute pleasure an absolute pain situation for prisoners and officer fuckman has now entered cool I just want to make sure

we were on the same page before we continued all right let's go of course he's hitting hey how's it going I see, I'm judging by the rappers at your feet here that you've been talking with Officer Sweetman. Oh, what makes you think that? Well, you've got a lot of chocolate and colors on your fingers, a lot of sticky stuff, and a lot of, um, a lot of candy wrappers and, uh, your belly's distended from sugar. Oh. And I'm assuming officer Sweetman did his thing. You can't prove that. Oh man. Am I gonna get in trouble?

Kind of. Oh no. If I had to listen listen, Officer Sweetman, he's the nice cop, okay? What I am is- Is Officer Sweetman gonna come back? He might. It depends on how- Give me candies and sweet. It depends on how our conversation goes, okay? So do you know who I am?

Are you Officer Sweetman 2? No, I'm not. Please? No,'m not. Please? No, that was sorry pal. Please be officer sweetman 2.0? No, I'm not a second sweetman. I'm officer fuckman. Oh, that's the worst thing it could have been.

Other than officer devilment. Listen, listen, Prisoner Man. I brought you here to the Municipal County Jail on charges of thievery, gluttony, and adultery. Officer Sweetman says that you didn't give him the information he needs, and so I'm only going to use the tactics that I understand. He didn't ask me anything. He just gave me candy. Yeah, that sweetman does that

So now as a part of my deal basically, I you know sweetman gives sweets officer fuckman Gives fucks Oh, thank you. Thank you care unfortunately not my friend Oh, like you care like you care Unfortunately not my friend Unfortunately not so what I'm gonna need you to do is I'm gonna need you to I don't want to get Fucked or give fucks. I'm sorry brother You know That belly of yours is gonna be really uncomfortable for you to lay on so I'm just I'm just letting you know right now

I'm comfortable for you to lay on. So I'm just letting you know right now that it's unfortunate that you saw Sweetman. Really, most prisonermans, they want to see Fuckman before Sweetman. Because, you know, the worst part of the day is early and then you get a lot of candy after. It's kind of like growing up in camp. I don't want to see Fuckman at all. You're seeing him right now, bud. I'm already here. I want to see Sweetman twice. I understand. Everybody prefers Sweetman until fuckman walks in and then they realize they've been lied to I Want to see sweet men and toilet men?

Yeah, well, I'm sorry officer toilet men was fired due to Transgressions so you've got me to deal with today bud, so I'm gonna need you to do I'm need you clean up that I'm gonna need you to put all of your wrappers in The corner over there, and I'm gonna need you to lay on that big sweet sticky distended belly of yours and show me your butt cheeks This is only gonna take probably that's gonna take probably about two two and a half three hours And then I want to see my lawyer men Okay, well you asked fuck all right. We've got us god damn it Gotta get lawyer menman in here.

Alright. One second. Thank you. Hello? You've requested Lawyerman. Oh, is that your voice? Yes. Okay.

Hey, Lawyerman. I've heard that you've requested Lawyerman. I've heard that you've requested Lawyerman. After having a conversation with Sweetman and Fuckman. Okay, I didn't realize that's who my lawyer's voice would be. I don't understand why you're being so weird about it. Oh, no reason. I feel I am not gonna lie to you,

Prisoner Man, I am feeling a little bit betrayed and disrespected as as Lawyer Man. I'll have you know I come from a long line of Lawyer Man. Oh, I would have never guessed. Sorry, I had something in my throat. I went and seen that sweet man before I got in here, and that's one sweet, sweet officer. Anyway, so as I was saying, Officer Fuckman is telling me that you have requested a lawyerman present at your hearing. Well, your interrogation.

So what is it that I can do for years? I? I don't want to get porked Understandable it is an unfortunate Byproduct of the legal system in this world that everybody gets to see two types of officers sweet men and fuck men Everybody gets to see two types of officers, sweet men and fuck men. Most people do get to see fuck men first and then sweet men. Typically they request their lawyer men after fuck men though, so you do have that in common. Okay, well yeah. I was just sort of wondering if I could not get banged

Let me let me check my lawyer means. Let me check my lawyer means a book one moment, please You have to have sex with him, I'm sorry. I don't even look at the pages I Did did you not hear my book you would you were turning the pages with you looking at me the whole time Unfortunately, I did read the book and it says here code penal penal code 1025 subsection 5 to that part of the interrogation process for prisoner men or prisoner women is to interact with sweet men and fuck men in any given order that the two men decide. They can request a lawyer men at any moment, but lawyer men cannot prevent either the engorgement

of sweets or the fucking from fuck men. I can see from here that page says not your mom's Moscow mule. It says it's a classic cocktail with a tropical twist. Is that in your rule book? I said in your rule book is this is a use it as a bookmark for all of my laws and rules Recipes and no I just use it as my book So what's gonna happen is I'm gonna bring fuckman back in here And I could if I offer you a piece of advice it would be to just Don't anger officer fuckman and then just stay in here with me, and then he doesn't

Don't anger officer fuckman and then just stay in here with me, and then he doesn't The I cannot am I gonna get a bond No, there's no bond Before you can go see judgment you have to see officer sweetman and officer fuckman before you get to see judgment This is the way of the land and the laws that we've kind of put Put here for you to enjoy. Right. Joy. Yes, of course.

Well, when you put it like that. It seems that somebody's here to see you and oh boy I can see through the crack in the door that it's one of my close personal friends and someone- Your friends with? Your friends with? Am I friends with Fuckman? Of course! We went to learning school together.

Oh, well that's nice I guess. He chose a different path if you know what I'm saying and none of that I did of course, but you know. Come on in Officer Fuckman. Why did you say you could come come in because it's his job I don't like that he can come in okay you had a deal would you like to see officer sweetman again I don't normally do that I don't really care whether I see officers or even get

as long as I don't get banged. It's really the candy is a sort of it's not that I even love candy that much, it's just I hate getting fucked by a guy at jail. I understand. Did talking to lawmen at all all no it didn't help at

all it didn't alleviate any of the anxiety was so he was looking at a recipe book and he told me that there's a rule that says that you have you get to fuck me and I don't get bond until you fuck until you get to Put your body into mine. Yeah Yeah, yeah that lawyer man is he's kind of a public Publicly funded lawyer man. He's not a private lawyer man So it's it's one of those things where you kind of you get what you get you know paying him though. I don't See taxman pays for lawyer men. Well, I hired him. And he hired a private lawyerman.

I hired a private lawyerman, and now he's telling me he's a public defender. And we may have made a mistake. You might have to you might get to you might have to see different lawyermen. Let me let me I want to make sure we're by the book here. So let me see. Let me see. Let me check. Here, let me see. Let me see here. Let me check your file.

I'm sure if there is a lawyer, he probably has a much different voice than this one lawyer. He might. He may. I can't guarantee that he would at all. If he had the exact same voice, I would be truly astounded. I mean, they go to the same schools. You know, they kind of. When you you say they you mean lawyers, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course yeah public defenders. Yeah lawyer men's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for sure right Yeah, it says here you did pay for a private lawyer man, and that it was our mistake then you don't have That that that lawyer man was a public defender, so he shouldn't have right I'm just wondering if there's anybody who can tell me that I don't have to give banged up on Unfortunately the thing about that is that you are too You can have as many conversations with as many lawyer men's as you want

But sort of part of protocol here is it of me officer fuckman has dude I do have to fuck you That is kind of a you just you are to suck your cup cockman cockman or anything no suckman is a suckman is that he works in a different county? So just be very glad you don't deal with him. He's a real real real piece of work real bad guy if I want to You would rather you would rather deal with officer suckman than than officer. What if I suck your cock? That's all right. We don't do that here, and I you know And I'll let you beat the hell out of me while you do your thing and and I And I strangle myself while you're doing it Creative visceral reaction from your member I

Create a visceral reaction from your member. I believe that maybe you're confused. What if I shit all over myself when I rub it on my body while you're doing it to me? And I piss in my mouth and I throw up from it? I throw up all the blue candy because I've been pissing in my mouth. I'm going to get Officer sweetman back in here. I think maybe you would if I put air heads into my ass. To officer sweetman if the

airhead is sort of like flesh it would make my body would to help me absorb the shock from the blows. Oh I'm not going to be of your Rodman. Yeah. Yeah you're you're an interesting prisoner man never really had somebody willingly

Kind of an offer to do anything like that. Yeah, what if I put nerd ropes around your balls? And I turn them into I Don't know what that would do to balls Probably I don't know what it is. I don't know what that would do to balls. I don't know anything. Oh god, I don't even know how to fuck a... how to get fucked. That's so stupid. I probably couldn't even do it if I tried. Good thing as a prisoner, it's not your job to know how to do that. I probably couldn't even do a good job of getting banged if I tried

It's not probably disappoint. I would probably disappoint you Do you think I would disappoint you it doesn't matter to me it's this is this is purely worried duty bound I'm worried that I Would have to prove myself in the bottle field. I'm worried. This is different than the begging. This is... Oh no.

It's amusing. It is. Oh. Okay, well if you... I'm making my tail and I turn around and there's a nerds rope in my ass Well, then that means sweet men got a little too sweet if you know what I mean, and no I put it there Says you would be distracted and I could shake my ass and have my tail and you would not put anything in there put anything in there go ahead try there's not candy in there all right here it goes that feels amazing see it's not that bad that's not bad at all it's not

that bad see it's not you were making a mountain out of a molehill brother I know this is feels. It's awesome. Isn't it? Yeah? Yeah, it's dope. You're a really skilled lover Thanks, man. Yeah, look I told you I went to school for it I mean can you imagine if you see officer sweetman then officer and I see you again I give fucks the candy in my ass a hundred percent man, and then you get to see judgment You know what I mean, and that's I don't know if I want to see judgment You don't you don't want your due process Hang out with you two guys eat candy and get fucked by me for the rest of your life. I think so Well, man, I gotta be honest with you as an officer the law that's just

I'm tickled pink by that you know I wish I could spend the rest of my life in Holding so I understand, but you know ten other really drunk guys all the 24 7 forever just watching watching the reboot of Roseanne to go on of Roseanne It's a great show

120 decibels all night with the lights on mm-hmm halogens we installed those do you guys like that? Some of the guys don't but okay I'm not always even worried about the lights. I was thinking about the crimes. I committed that I was guilty of well Save that for judgment. Oh, I thought you would care that I just can... We're officers of the law. We defend it. We don't enforce it, soldier. And so...

I sort of thought that this was part of the interrogation process. Nah. Nah, brother. It's the interrogation process. Nah. No, brother. It's the interrogation process. I just get candy and I get fucked and then. Yes, yeah. You don't even want a confession from me?

I mean, if you do want to give a confession, that's the judgements post. That's sort of what he's been charged with. I don't know, what's he like? Judgement? He's judgmental, for sure. He can be a critical man. So he has a brainiac. Yeah, he's a very smart guy.

I don't care. I understand. And most prisonermen don't interact well with judgments. Yeah. Fuckman, I think you should let me go. Let me get Sweetman in here. Officer Sweetman. Yeah, Buckman, I think you should let me go. Let me get Sweetman in here.

Officer Sweetman? Hey, uh, hey, it's me Sweetman. Do you want a big piece of candies? Yeah, maybe a Rollo, maybe a Twix. Oh, that's pretty good. Maybe a rollo, maybe a twix That's pretty good Thankfully none of these are gonna be poison candy of Course we don't have poison candy

here have a regular skittle oh It's just one Yep, just one skittle mmm, okay, this seems like Seems like a Pivotal moment for some reason. I don't know. It seems like a pivotal moment in my life It's Ocelli is eating a skittle who cares. It's great. I love it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, just go ahead eat this one normal skittle Okay Mm-hmm. Yeah, just go ahead eat this one normal skittle, okay Ah

Yeah, it's made. Ah it's made out of acid ah Yeah, oh, no, I think I gave him the acid killing skittle who gives a fuck sweetman switcheroo a pal I'm gonna go get some lunch. Well. Yeah, Let's go drink a bunch of margaritas for lunch Yeah, let's go have a bunch of delicious lemon lime Yeah, I love lemons. I love limes. Me too. Come on sweetman. Yeah, I'm late at Prisoner men's bye guys. Ah Bye Hey everybody, welcome to show There's a new movie that me and Thomas are working on called

Love lies bleeding hope you guys like like that one. Yeah, that was a 20-minute bit. Yeah. Yeah We got it. We still got it some people say that we don't got it and then I don't think anybody's that what we've been doing I don't think anybody's saying that we can't do what we've been doing For four years. That's what that means right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think people say that it's not good But I don't think anybody's saying oh they can't yeah, they can't talk about eating poop for an hour straight now we can yeah Since everybody hated the song so much you have to go back to the old to the old ways Which was just 30 minutes 30 to 45 minute Sort of explorations of officer sweetman fuck

I saw some people like them, but yeah, yeah, you know I don't I get it you know it I do think that it was giving me some form of mental disease from singing 60 songs per week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I feel like you and me, like anything, if we find something that we enjoy, we just got to really run it into the ground really fast. That could be you know anything in life

So, you know the songs they'll come back the songs will be back But I think I just have to let my song meter, you know, it's a finite resource Touching my tune Yes eating the turkey boiling the meat preparing the stuffing and getting the sweets

it's yummy to eat it's time to enjoy There's something so great For a girl and a boy Kissing all day, holding the hand, touching the face, exposing the gland, Walking the beach, seeing the surf, playing with Creech, Earths of the Earth. See we still got it. Yeah we still got it. That was a beautiful love song. What if we did that for 30 minutes with the dumb music behind it. That was a beautiful. We did that for 30 minutes behind it The episode would have been done that have been fine. That's not a big deal. No, no, no, no Let me see what else we got

We don't have anything in my life. I got an itch I got got an itch to do more stand-up now that I finally did one that didn't suck so horribly. Oh, yeah, the show went good. Yeah, it went fine. Thank you to the five people who were there. Fuck yeah, man. That's awesome. Although, any time there's five people at a show,

there's 10 people who technically think they're not at the show because they're comics, but they're still there. And they're also at the show because they're comics, but they're still there. And they're also the only people laughing in some cases, you know what I mean? Yes, yes, 100%. If you're a comic and you're at the show, you are at the show, you know what I mean, even if you didn't buy a ticket.

Yeah, I mean, I, like, most of the clubs I go to And then in a positive way, like, you're embodying the crowd. It's nice Even though they're always in the back, which is fine I think for like some people who like live at the clubs. It's just like they get desensitized Like sometimes they'll just be like doing a spot and there's just like six comics in the back We're just talking and I know they're comedians because I was just in the green room with them. And they're like, yeah, when I get out of here, I'm gonna go get an eight ball,

and I'm gonna get some chicken strips. And then I'm like, dude, I met this girl who turned her, and fucking, dude, she's got like, dude, she had fucking one of her nipples pierced, and I fucking sucked on it, and it tasted like fucking blood. And you're up there, and you're like, yeah, the other day I was fucking there, like, dude, this girl's fucking nipple was fucking pink,

and it had like a whole bunch of blood on it, and then every time I sucked on it, the other day I was fucking there like, dude, this girl's fucking nipple is fucking pink and I don't like all the blood on it. And then I fucking never ever done my sucked on a blood would go into my mouth. And then I'm going to do I'm really behind in my car. No, yeah, my dad was kind of this weird guy who did. And then every time I'm late in my car, my mom calls and she asked me. And then, you know, you just you do 10 minutes of that. This little audience kind of laughs. Then you go home and you think about killing yourself.

And then that's, you know, that's like that's kind of just being a low to mid-level comedian. And you do that for as long as you can until something good happens or you have to stop. You can't really keep doing that. You know what I mean? It's not really like good. I don't think it's good for people to do that. Yeah. For any longer than like maybe 20 years or something. Yeah, 20 years. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

I had to go see my doctor. She's been asking me to tell her my screen time. Like how often I'm on my phone. So I like went on my screen time app or whatever, or like the thing. And it said I was on my phone for 82 hours yesterday. And I was like, oh, that can't. Or sorry, 82 hours this week and it's Wednesday. And I was like, I don't believe that that's true.

I barely looked at my I've been looking at my phone a fuck ton I've been posting on Twitter like 50 times a day because I'm kind of just losing them just got my phone too much and and Apparently it's like a bug like an iOS book like a June bug, but I couldn't ride she gave me this form And it's like how I mean I'm a grown ass man. She's like how long did you look at your phone today? How's your sleep? Do you have diarrhea? Like a fucking schizophrenic old man like a man with dementia

I'm just 30 years old and I just like don't remember to brush my teeth lately So I have to fucking like fill out this form. It's like did you sleep? Did you eat? How many times have you showered this week? I'm like yeah Or like no you know what I mean So I was trying to figure out what apps I was on for like 80 hours and it turns out yes I can say it's just not not not real, and if I don't fill out this form I don't know what happens. I don't know if I get in trouble or something or Or if they like fucking imagine it's to help you so if you don't do it it probably doesn't help you

Yeah, well she wants to she wanted to put me on medicine, and I didn't want her to because I don't want to go back on like Like lithium or anything like that Or like Sarah quill or like any of the fun. I don't want to go on any of it and She was pretty adamant about that. I should and I said no I don't want to and she was like well If you don't want to do that and i'm gonna like give you she said she called homework i was like okay i was was homework and she was like you're gonna write down how many hours

you sleep and how long you're on your phone and whether or not you exercise and uh... if you drink alcohol or if you use drugs uh... or if you uh... or if you have diarrhea. Well, on the thing it says gut, which is funny because again, I'm like, you know. Dude, you know what they call this chart?

They call this the grown ass man chart. This is, they give you this chart, dude, when you're so much of an adult man who understands himself that they need you to figure out different neural pathways for other men so they can follow your lead you know what I'm saying right right yeah yeah yeah yeah at the top of the chart it says grown ass motherfucker chart that has a ton of money in it and a fucking heart of gold and What the hell Hank? What the fuck are you doing? Oh, is that your mother? Hello Hello Okay, I thought you were a thief. No, it's just my old lady. She should come home Come home from fucking doing old lady stuff. Whatever the hell is old lady do. Bro, they're looking at tea sets.

Yeah, I looked at tea sets and fucking wedding dresses and fucking little ass dog in a purse Yeah, yeah, I love I love I hate my old lady You know what I mean whenever I think about whenever I think about my family. I fucking start seeing a red I do I just love the bar and I love the job. Yeah, I wish I could turn into a Corvette Yeah, I wish I could turn into a fucking fishing pole and just hit that fucking open See I love the job site and love them. I love my Corvette and love my dog, and I love my snake Order how much the new Corvettes are Base model is like 65 K which like

You know what I mean like they look like you can make that in a year and a half no problem You know what I mean? Like they look like super cool. I can make that in a year and a half, no problem. Oh yeah. Going to the dealership. Might give me one of those right now. Yeah baby, yeah. I think I remember when I was looking at the,

when we started like making money for the show, I went to the Chevrolet website and I was like, if I stole all the money every month, I could afford half of the payment with no cash down. I could afford one of the Corvette Stingrays, or like the ZL, whatever the fuck's the hyper end one. They have like a thousand horsepower or something. Which by the way, that's a lot of horses.

What are you looking at on your phone? Pictures of guys, dicks. Oh, it was on Chevrolet.com. I just had to go on Chevrolet calm really fast Chevrolet calm Yeah, they've got so many Chevrolet has so many cars. I didn't even know they still made the Malibu Yeah, they make the or did they I thought they discontinued out of the Impala, so I guess they disk you was the Impala I think they don't make anymore Yeah, they don't make the only cool car They make is the Corvette which kind of sucks because the Impala used to look sick Malibu used to look sick, too

This is back in the day of course. I guess they don't want anything to compete with the Corvette I do kind of appreciate that their cargo vans have looked the same for like 30 years Do they have cargoes because I have a Chevrolet, the van is a Chevrolet Astro. Cargo, it's the cargo version. What the fuck? Express. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, they haven't, yeah. Yeah, I'll show you. I'm looking at it right now. It literally, it looks like, it kind of looks like my van a little bit. Yeah kind of yeah much, but yes has a picture you in there Bro, dude the upper level Chevy Express has 400 horsepower That's pretty fucking badass. I mean I guess if you're using it

You know if you have like totally a trim company or something. You know yeah for sure, but I Dude, I raced a I don't even know why I did it. I knew how this was gonna Go I raced one of those Ram what is it the the TRX whatever? Yeah. Yeah, it didn't go good fucking smoke my ass I beat him off the line You know For like I want you I want to say that and then immediately also say for maybe point two seconds I just I think I hit the gas before he did and For maybe point to two seconds. I just I think I hit the gas before he did and

He kind of gave me the I guess maybe he thought the van because I have the little v8 on the side of it It's very clearly like a project car Maybe he thought more was going on under the hood then it actually was and I gunned that motherfucker and went And then he just smoked my ass just took me to the fucking cleaners Yeah, but I think those trucks got like 706 700 horsepower or something that right beautiful fascist machines Oh the upper leveled Rams. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they're fucking Ram T if I ever get divorced I think I would get a Raptor or something I Do it sucks. I could be a Corvette guy Corvette is a good divorce car it is dude the c4s I think the late 80s early 90s are like on marketplace six seven grand, and I really fucking want one dude

If circumstance, I wouldn't want one from like 2009 those are the best year ones that's's like, like, yeah, freshly divorced. I think they had a couple recently divorced guys in like the R&D room. Cause I know what, I think it's the C6, C5 or C6. I think it's the C6. And everything about that era just screams just like it's over.

You know what I mean? I get one of those and then yellow. Oh yeah. Yellow and then then like not the black interior, but like that tan beige You know Yeah, yeah like they just kind of like the same color as the khakis you got on when you get in that motherfucker the yeah that that that leather interior and it's cracked to the leather interiors cracked in the seat and that leather interior and it's cracked too. The leather interior's cracked in the seat. And you're just driving that motherfucker to Galveston

and you're going to have sex with a prostitute. Prostitute, and it's not a high dollar one. No, this lady. She's not a high dollar one. She has a CCCCCCC section scar and one of her toes is fused to the other toe. And a doctor would call that a hammer toe but you call it something pretty to suck on baby because you got a

corvette yellow tan interior you got the Sun used to be on your eyes and now it's on your back you used to look up at the Sun and you used to say goddamn I'm 22 years old world's my oyster now world is just kind of like a clam at best. You know what I mean? Sun burns your back knees hurt So you're heading down to the island to have sex with a fucking lady whose life has gone really really really bad But who cares right? That's just your Saturday. You know and then you get back home Time to hit Lake Mineral Wells

In the Hummer Same we get same color I get back from Galveston. I'm headed to Lake Mineral Wells I bowed them one weekend Yeah, but I get great for it I'm taking my yellow tan Corvette to gous and have sex with a $30 whore and I'm heading to Lake mineral wells in the yellow Hummer with the tan and tear to do the same fucking thing on one Saturday. Oh, yeah. Yeah and then I'm heading to

Oh, yeah, yeah And then I'm heading to Then I do then I'm heading to con can then I'm heading to the Frio River You know we're gonna do we're gonna crush Michelob Ultras And I've got I've got that the golf hat with the spiky hair on it And I've got the littlest reddest arms you've ever seen and I got the fattest brownest belly you've ever seen And I'm going down there to have a sexual prostitute I'm going there in my Harley that I bought from my friend my yellow Harley my yellow Harley with my tan see with the tan seat

Yeah, and guess what I got it fuego I Left the house at six in the morning. It's 11 58. We got all this done in one Saturday, baby. I got divorced and I got three vehicles after. I took three vacations in 13 hours. I sold the lake house and I bought three vehicles with that. I bought Fuego, I bought the nasty hammer

and then I bought. vehicles with that. I bought Fuego, I bought the Nasty Hammer, and then I bought... Diablo. A yellow Corvette with tan interior called Diablo. And I get head in Diablo whenever I want. Literally whenever I please. Anytime I want, I get Roadhead. Anytime I want. And I love that shit. It feels the best when you're driving down I-30,

getting head. Yeah, getting your dig sucked on I're driving down I-30. Getting head. Yeah, getting your dick sucked on I-35. I love head. Yeah, I love road heads. I love head in the car. Whenever I got my, whenever I got, oh yeah, I got my Van Huysen button up shirt and she's got the bottom buttons undone

so my belly's showing. And then she's got my Van Heisen slacks. And she has my Stafford belt from JCPenney undone pulled down. And then my United States Polo Association boxers. She has my pecker pointing out of the penis part. She doesn't have the boxers pulled down because I don't like of the penis part she doesn't have the boxers pulled down because I don't like the seats too hot for my bare ass yeah

and so she's sucking the hell out of my dick not even touching the balls no and guess what her the left side of her face is rubbing up against my belly yeah and I'm going yeah and I'm going exactly 55 down I-30 in the cool bit. I'm on the left lane. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Swerving like crazy, cause she keeps using her teeth.

Yeah, I keep fucking busting on my hay dudes, my slip on hay dudes. I keep running for them. I got my hay dudes for the beach, and in the back, yeah, best believe I got some Rockports. Ooh, baby, yeah. The Rockports, Yeah, best believe I got some rock ports The rock ports with this the black rock ports dress shoes with the square toe on them

Yeah, baby Business casual up in this bitch. I hope you're prepared for a wonderful evening inside Diablo Yeah, baby girl. You giving me roadhead in this Corvette so good I had to take off my Maui Jims to watch. My luxury shades that I got at a discount because my friend works at Cabela's. Baby girl, we're almost to Lake Monroe Wells. I'm about to have to swap Diablo out for the nasty hammer and swap you out for a different bitch. A different bitch named Velveeta? Yes sir. Hey, sayonara senorita. Now we're in the hammer with Velveeta and and I gotta pull my khakis up and I gotta put my pecker back in my US Polo Association boxers that are bunched up under my belly crease and then I gotta

change from my Hey Dudes into my Rockports cuz we're in the lake now. We're at the lake We're heading to the lake, and I just got a new Velveeta, and I just got a new boner Fresh out the box I didn't even wipe my shit off yet It's still kind of sticky from her. Still freshly sucked. Because you sucked that shit for three hours. It's about a four and a half hour drive. I got a little dick and it smells like a mouth. Yeah. Baby, baby, you gotta take it easy because we gotta go visit my lake house friends.

We can't be doing none of this crazy youngin' stuff like Roadhead. You gotta jack me off in the handicapped stall while they're singing sweet Caroline karaoke You gotta check me off under the table with your leg I'm sitting right next to you Sitting right next to me instead of a crossman you got your leg at a weird angle It hurts your hip real bad and you're jacking my shit off. The crease of your knee While I'm eating luxurious shrimp cocktails I'm eating a luxurious fried shrimp basket from Captain Joe's in Lake Minimal Wells, Texas

I've had 14 trades of oysters all while getting my dick rubbed on sort of. By a leg. Yeah, all while I flirt with the waitresses. Yeah, I keep calling the waitress sweet by. I keep ordering us, I keep ordering us smearing off ices from the bar. Didn't even know they still sold them, but you can count on Cap'n Joe. Yeah. Yeah.

And I say, for me me bring me the screwdriver ones. Yeah. You can you can give her the the classic line. Me I'm a man I gotta have something a little less sweet. Bring me the screwdriver ones. Bring me the screw. It gives me incredible heartburn and makes me immediately. Yeah the orange juice helps my sexual stamina. Yeah helps my things. It. Yeah All I drink I only drink the screwdriver smearing off vices I like to have seven and I like to get in the nasty hammer Yeah, I wake up and you can have them because it's orange juice So it's a breakfast drink to my dad said that to me a lot growing up and that's probably why I am the way that I am

He had a mustache and he got his cock sucked by my mom whenever he wanted. Yeah, he fucked my mom crazy stuff Yeah, he had a homer too not even kidding my dad did have an h3 homer and he got so behind on the payments of the repo man took it and I don't think he had any kind of sex in there there I think he mostly just lived in it for a little while anyway now we've done had the Lake Mineral Wells evening and now baby girl we are back on the road and now I'm heading to where did I say con can know I'm time heading to go pick up Fuego oh yeah you got a you got a hot more me um no we already had the seniorita then we just had velvete and now we need a new type of bitch

Her name is I Sickle she loves meth and I'm picking her up at the I'm picking her up at the love's trashiest bitch in the world Nasty is her breasts hang so low. She done sucked my dick before I even got here. Yeah. She sent me a video of her sucking my dick from a year ago. She sent me a video of her sucking my mom. She sucked the phone for me.

She put the whole phone. I called her. I said, put the phone in your mouth. Yeah. And I put that on speakerphone, and I played it to your mouth. Yeah, she said what she placed on. And I put that on speakerphone and I played it to my dick. Yeah, cause it knew what was coming. I'm like. Yeah, and I started bobbing the phone

like it was, like I was getting a road head, yeah. I got my MAGA hat on, and I'm on my yellow Harley, by the way, if you forgot, it's yellow and the seat is tan. And I got my biker wife behind me and she's so racist that it scares me sometimes Yeah, I'm getting kind of bothered. I tell people I always tell people the mugger hats like my helmet cuz it protects me from evil Yeah Protects me from liberal spells. They had different types of left-wing ideology

Anyway, I'm heading to con can with with a beers cold and the rivers cold and I got Icicle behind me and she's gripping on the inside of my thighs and her acrylic nails are cutting my thigh fat and she's trying to find my dick but it's under my bell buckle belly. And I have been sucked off for most of today. No, I'm dry. But Icicle always finds a way. And I've also been driving the entire day. always finds a way. I've also been driving the entire day. I've only stopped driving to have 18 oysters and and 17 luxurious shrimps. Yes. I sickle baby could you please stop trying to squeeze my very dry very dry penis on bond I've been driving a lot today and I've been getting

sucked on. What we're gonna have to do is put lube on my balls and we will scissor. It's all that I'm capable of anatomically speaking. We'll put lube on my balls and put them into your body somehow. And that will count as me getting pussy from you. God finds a way, I say. Well, now we've reached con can. Unfortunately, there's no way for me to finger or lick you or kiss you, but I will maybe put my balls into your ass. Or something. Yeah, that's what Icicle likes.

All on the motorcycle. On a yellow motorcycle. Oh my God, we are on the motorcycle. Sometimes I flip around backwards and I let God take the wheel. Yeah, I'm sometimes I flip around backwards and I let god take the wheel. Yeah, I drive backwards with my by the wheel. I mean the two handlebars handlebars. Jesus take one of the handlebars and let the devil take the other. Where are we going to Friel River? My my I got my Maui gyms on at night and I'm and night and I'm getting ready to get my bone on with Icicle. We stop at Jack in the Box and get some of those badass tacos and keep on riding.

She's eating tacos on the back of the motorcycle. We got shredded lettuce flying on the road.'s she's got a mouthful of taco she's in my ears saying how they taste like hamburgers I say that's right, bitch. That's why I like the tacos because it tastes like hamburgers They put a whole slice of american cheese on it because fuck it. I don't know how the hell I don't think they use a bit of taco seasoning at all. No, I think it's just- It's the only taco I've ever had that tasted like a hamburger. It's just burger meat, man. I'm not even lying to you.

It's the burger meat from the burgers that they put in there with a slice of American cheese and then they deep fry it. Well, they are deep fried, then frozen, then deep fried again. If you have a period. I didn't know they deep fried the tacos. Yeah, yeah, that's why.

So they're deep fried and then they are frozen and then I think they put them either in an oven or they dip them for a bit and they come out. That's why, and then they do obviously throw the lettuce and cheese on after the deep frying process. Oh, I was saying, I was saying why the hell would they do that with their fricking lettuce in the oil? No, no, no, they just, just fry it to heat it back up again. Cause I've been known to eat like eight of those at a time.

I'm eating the oil and lettuce is fucked up. No, back when they used to be two for 99 cent, me and my father went to the Jag in the Box in Leek City, Texas. And we had been smoking a lot of fake marijuana and drinking a lot of Bacardi 151 in his Toyota 4Runner. I had gotten $20 for lunch that day and I had not put it on lunch so I bought, I gave it to my father to buy us 40 tacos and we sat in his Toyota 4Runner and ate all 40 tacos

in less than an hour while smoking a type of fake weed that smelled like fish. And we listened to Alice and Chainz acoustic EP, Sap, over and over again, and asked each other how did these gentlemen get so good at making music? To which both of us said, I have no idea. And then we both got really sick and had to get to the hotel. That was in 2010. That was long before I got fuego and long before I found Icicle at that

beautiful Love's truck stop on the way I ride outside Temple. Yeah, got both of them at once. I was at the truck stop, I was in the nasty hammer and I put both of them in the back. Throw the Corvette and the motorcycle in the back of the Hummer. It was a good ass day for me. I got me a slushy with a little bit of Malibu in it. Yeah, we call that the cold liquid. Yeah. I threw that Corvette and that motorcycle in the back of my Hummer and we kept it pushing. I was already getting six miles per gallon,

brought it down to one. I had Seniorita, I had Velveeta, and I had Icicle in the back of the nasty hammer, along with a fully, a C5 Corvette and Fuego. In the back of that probably three foot bed. If that. Yeah. I mean maybe an H1 could fit a motorcycle if it was completely gutted. Anyway now it's Sunday, now it's time for church.

We gotta say goodbye to Icicle, we gotta say sayonara to Seniorita, then we gotta say see ya eventually. Goodbye to Velveeta. Goodbye Velveeta. Say bye bitch to Velveeta. Yeah, bye Goodbye to Velveeta. Goodbye Velveeta. Say bye bitch to Velveeta. Yeah, bye bitch to Velveeta. Now I'm at the United Methodist Church.

Um, right next to Baylor University. I drove all the way from the Frio River to this church. I've been driving a lot. Yeah, but it was all worth it. I really wish I'd taken a shower, because the whole church room smells like my penis. Smells like rubber feet. And mouth.

I smell like mouth like you wouldn't believe. The inside of this church smells like latex and fucking beef. Ground beef and latex. That's what we're calling it. New type of stink. But I know God is good and I'm forgiven for everything I did this weekend. Yep. Despite the many horrible things I said to these women.

They made me a deacon. Oh, that's good. Made me a deacon of the church even knowing my transgressions and my sins and they all many because God is good God is good time and all the time guys good. Yeah Ain't that right boy? I think I was supposed to call Ben and call into his live stream to call Ben and call into his live stream. Oh you did not? I did not do that.

What time is it over there in California? 5pm? I think maybe he said, I don't remember what he said to me. He said, he might have said he would call me actually. I don't think it matters anymore. I don't give a fuck. He does the streams for like 5 hours. That is true. I'm't give a fuck. He does the streams for like five hours. That is true

I'm sure you can still catch him. Yeah, let me scroll up. I Watched the White House. They made an ASMR of them putting handcuffs on Undocumented people and it made me want to kill everybody that worked there And it was like it said something deportation ASMR I wanted to get Diablo Fuego in the nasty hammer And I wanted to crash into the White House and kill every motherfucker that lives there and fuck them. Yeah. Yep. I wanted that I wanted to fucking Just this is me my name is my name is Abba forth

Atrocious, I'm a United Methodist Church member and I must fucking I work an accountant and I wanted to fucking kill everybody Not politically motivated violence, this is purely a joke, right? Somebody else were politically motivated Well, that wouldn't hurt too much with it. Yeah, I'm not even political. I'm not motivated but hell No, I mean, I'm not even political. I'm not motivated but hell There's a lot of motivational speakers out there if you go looking. Yeah, I know thing I'm motivated getting pussy in. Kobe Bryant. Kobe Bryant. What would Kobe do? Kobe, he'd fucking, he'd shoot a beautiful. If he wasn't at a bar

Hmm Don't ever think, well don't ever think what would Kobe do while you't at a bar, don't ever think, what would Kobe do while you're at a bar? But, what would Yogi do? Who the fuck, I don't even fucking remember. Yogi Berra, coach? Was he a coach? Yogi Berra?

I thought he'd think he played tennis. Right? I think he was- Yogurt Berry you're good Barry more like he bear Yogurt Barry, that's what I would have called him. He was a Yogi bearer was a baseball catcher. We were both incorrect He was a stupid bitch. I do believe he was I guess it doesn't matter at all But he wasn't Jewish never mind That not everybody was Jewish back then that is true if you were playing in the Yankees in 1962 you were 100% of

Jewish or you were an alcoholic fat Italian man the only two got because black guys couldn't really play sports yet so Italians used to be a type of black guy and now then that is true very true. Yes, sir. Yes, sir Sports terms is oh my god What did we do before these Italians could play oh He was very Italian this motherfucker's name was Lorenzo Pietro Berra Probably a fucking yeah, so I guess he is one of the he was yeah he was a touch seat freak he was an alt-right piece of shit a Mussolini lover should have been

fired for being a bear more like yogurt berry smoothie mm-hmm delicious yum can we stop it could be bright more like Goji Berry. Smoothie. Is that a type of Japanese berry? A Goji Berry, yes it is. Yeah, I figured as much on the count of the name. I fucking, I'm not gonna lie to you. We're just two Southern men at church. I've been going through what many would call

the worst time of my life. And I have been speaking through what many would call the worst time of my life. And I have been speaking to the Lord about it. He's been speaking real quiet, hard for me to hear him. I think he's telling me to go buy a gun. I've been, I kind of been, don't want to go do it, but I probably, I think I'm going to go to the store, store store by the apartment get one next weekend or something Well seems like you're in a good mental state to be doing that yeah But it's fine cuz I'm not gonna do anything weird with it I think I'll just take it to the range a bunch. I think I'm gonna get like a r10 or something Okay, I'm kidding I'm joking I I thought that was what I was doing. No, it's okay. I

wasn't sure I was gonna text your phone and I was cuz check in with you later on So see where you were mentally just one of those texts you send a friend once a year. Yes, hey bud. Before I start seizing up for this bachelor party. Am I talking to Abba forth atrocious or am I talking to my friend who did just text me and asked me to travel and spend money on a bachelor party. You kill yourself, I will. You can text Ashley for the money. Despite the money it would save me, I will be disappointed.

No, I'm kidding. It'd be very funny to buy an AR-10 and kill yourself with that. It'd be kind of like buying a Corvette and then killing yourself on the front seat with pills. Yeah, just to get a hose and sneak it in. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. No I'm not gonna buy a gun. Well no I'm not gonna buy a gun. Probably not. It's kind of weird living here tonight. I didn't even know I wasn't even into guns in Texas but just not having the option is a little bit odd. Yeah I've heard other people say that when they move like from Texas other places. Yeah I mean you could either go to Virginia or something it's not the big deal. It's not impossible but I'm not gonna like you know yeah I don't really care. I obviously I don't

need one here. I'm rich. Yeah you're a podcaster. Yeah I have I have my security that follows me around. Yeah, I have I have my security that follows me around mm-hmm. You know yeah You did you you could use the protectors app have you seen that yes? I saw that yeah, you got a download to protect ladies ladies if you're scared to go to the airport you can spend $700 on a five-hour roundtrip Private security service called protectors um Apparently was a company like three years ago and they went bankrupt. I can't believe it. But you can hire, I know what will make women feel safe is summoning

a former green beret or cop to their house so they know where they live and so they can follow them around for four and a half hours where they do errands. If I was a woman, there's no one I'd rather show up at my door than a former Army Special Forces guy or a former police officer. Because what would really make me feel comfortable is how did you get fired from the police? You could pretty much ... That guy in San Antonio that fed the homeless guy a poop sandwich, he's a cop again. You know what I mean? So how did you you how did you how did you lose your job? You know probably from being so safe. You know what I mean like probably from being

like an exemplary Officer the law or whatever the foot yeah, did the guy take a bite of the poop sandwich he did Yeah, he did take a bite out of the sandwich that poop in it I'm pretty sure if I remember that story correctly he went to yeah Or no he grabbed it in some poop fell out of the sandwich to that poop in it? I'm pretty sure if I remember that story correctly he went to yeah, or no he grabbed it in some poop fell out of the sandwich I don't know I don't want to laugh at the story because it's cruel and I think somebody should execute that cop on site Yeah, but uh well cuz I heard that you actually recently ate a poop sandwich as well

Yeah Yeah, but that was more of like an intellectual like right or whatever I was trying to put myself in the position of that guy look the cop not the I'm gonna go play a poop lasagna. Oh You're gonna go play trivia at the bar. Yeah, I'm gonna go downstairs play trivia. Are you calling into bin stream? I've been watching him He wanted me to tell the story of my big fat cousin Ben's really obsessed with like what I'd like to call like obese Americana. Oh, yeah Yeah, he really likes he like the what's the what's the couple that he follows around and they like try out food and go to

Disneyland and I think Devon wants to like like track. Yeah, remember the will and don't really will and no Big yeah, the country's another will and dawn are the people he's been on for like a long time But I was telling him about my cousin who gained so much weight that he was too fat to greet at Walmart and that been Texted messaged me and was like you Please call into the stream and tell me tell me tell me Devon about him, and I was like, please call into the stream and tell David about him. And I was like, okay. I appreciate Ben's interest in sort of the forgotten,

the forgotten souls of the American Southwest. You know? Yeah, the forgotten, the forgotten spirits of the American, you know, whatever the fuck. So I'm gonna see if I can, I'll text him. Forgotten the forgotten spirits of the American you know whatever the fuck so I'm gonna see if I can I'll text him he might just not respond because sometimes he does that but If you're listening to this, thank you for checking out the show Please head on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time

Give us a little bit of cheese if you listen to the chop episode and you landed here. God bless you Thank you for listening to the whole thing I don't think I've ever when they call us up twice a year. That's the most politics talk. I think I do in a serious setting Ever and I would imagine Thomas is probably the same for you. So Yeah, other than my you know my local work yeah yeah your locals all my organizing I do yeah I don't even like to talk about it is you don't need to you know yeah yeah I head on over there and it's a dollar a month could

you access the discord real cool place shout out to some of the cool friends I've made in there over the years. Canty and D-Dog and a couple others. Nick and then if you have five bucks a month gets you access to all the backlog. I think I think a little over 300 episodes now of audio episodes going back to 2020. You can watch this catalog all the wonderful things that have happened in the last five years. And then go ahead and ten bucks a month because you have access to all that motherfucking shit plus an entire backlog of video episodes. We also have free video episodes. You can check those out at Pendejo Time Worldwide on YouTube. Also follow us on Instagram, Pendejo Time Worldwide on Instagram. If you are in

Austin, San Antonio, San Marcos, New Broncels or just the Central Texas area, Seguin, Blanco, Lockhart, wherever the fuck, please come to Stand Up on the Square at Sean Patrick's on the Square in San Marcos, Texas. Hosting a stand up show with a bunch of comedians from all over the state and if a bunch of people come then I get to have like a monthly show and Then I want to drive to Austin to do stand-up all the time I can just fucking walk two blocks and go do stand-up over there What else was gonna say oh yeah check out my band's single barcodes drunk uncle barcodes on Spotify. It's pretty good I run those numbers up so I can I don't know Spotify doesn't pay dick Thomas you got anything to plug oh

I was just to check out home planet video They have a new sketch called nachos with Veronica slow at Shousuke here and I'm just briefly in that but it's a good sketch and they're doing it on staple staple view this new Channel on YouTube or whatever, but yeah check them out check that out home planet nachos alright guys. Bye. Bye Bye