Pendejo Time - taterfied

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

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You're listening to the right now podcast with John Goblcott. Johanus Good News. What? I finally found a home. Oh, you moved out of the Waymo? No, I'm never leaving that big. No, our podcast is now on a network and not just any network, the premier comedy network, all things comedy. That's right.

So now they're on ATC. Make sure you watch us on YouTube or Spotify Premium or where else, Johanus. You can listen on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcast. Wow. Spoken like a true mediocre co-host. So make sure you're subscribed. Checking it out for All Things Green. Wait a minute. Is that made Bill Burr's my boss? Yep. Oh, my God. I'm feeling I'm going to get yelled at a lot.

that your screen your camera was off Thomas's podcasting in pitch black darkness I just barely see his teeth in like the silver of the microphone

why are you fucking did your power go out what the fuck are you just having fun I am I just wanted to center myself you know what I mean oh okay yeah yeah you wanted to be present

Like it's more fun to, it's more natural to just talk to your, just be in darkness. You know what I mean? Just talk, just talk to your buddy in pitch black darkness. Yeah. It's like a sensory deprivation tank, but for somebody else. I could see the whites of your eyes. It looks, it's terrifying. You said it looks taterfying?

Yes, taterfying. I'm hungry. Oh, Lord. Some of the taterfine the other day. I was taterfine. I was tated-fired. Could I get the taterfires? Father Holman, I was tater-fied.

I was tater-fied for my life. And here we're on location with Mr. Johnson, who saw the shooter enter the KFC. Mr. Johnson, do you have anything to say? And what happened? Yeah, I got something to say That new number five deal is worth every penny $13 for a family-sized meal You can't find that many other places

Very interesting, Mr. Johnson We were hoping to get your version of events Of the shooting that took place just earlier Just earlier I was at KFC And I recalled there was A gunman on premises the gun was black pulled out of blue pants

and I can't remember his top half too well but I remember blue pants black gun he came right up to the counter that's where I usually order number three Tate that I ordered a number five family meal was on sale I guess they had some bad chicken they wanted to use

that's all me baby that's free money What were your emotions at that time? Did you feel scared? I was indelibly hungry. Indelibly. Would you say that you were terrified? I was, yeah, I'd say I, in some ways I was pretty terrified of what could happen if they didn't, if they changed their mind and didn't make it a seasonal deal. I was hoping maybe every fall

We could get this number five combo Because it could mean a lot for my family Usually most of my family Don't make it through the fall What do you mean from birth Mr. Johnson or is it just This is a hard season That in spring

we don't do too good during the winter either I don't do too well during that 60 to 75 degree weather my whole family would drop dead yeah so you know it was me getting enough food to get through the fall would be great KFCs and out of the government I will say I was scared because he went before me

and I was worried that the cashier would be too scared to keep taking orders after that. But thankfully she did, and I was able to eat my meal. I ate it in the stalkers. You didn't run away? If I ran away, then I wouldn't have been able to order, or when I came back, it would be a longer line. So I was tated-fired, and I was scared of what the turntables may have happened.

But at the end of the day, man, when I go to KFC, it's to provide my family with foods. that will replenish them through the fall and hopefully reventilize them so you take your family you get a lot of KFC and you take it to your family

through the winter and fall months like a kind of like a bear or? Yeah sort of like a bear because we eat it just like a bear big old paws and my mama's

about big of the house now from them I'm just a little cub yeah I'm just a little cub mama bear she's real big You think I'm big shit I'm a big mom

I'm a cub She's so fast She goes to Long John Silver It gets chicken there She demands it She gets chicken from Long John Silver They have it Wrong John Silver

They do have it They sell so little chicken At Long John Silver Man They keep it in the pantry Yeah I don't get a damn about that No more

I met my wife At wrong John Silvers Yeah wrong John Silves Is he wrong for that You know Yeah he wrong for that For my wife Being so fat

I'm just a little cub I'm just a little cub In a big mama bear world Waiting Waiting for the shooting That ends So the cashier will Put food in my big fat belly

well thank you for your time you're welcome goodbye Mr. Johnson goodbye he just eats the microphone oh black a black piece of chicken

a black groomsteak a black groomsteak oh fuck yeah ladies and general welcome to Padeo time and I want to give a big congratulations and shout out to all the New Yorkers.

Ladies and gentlemen, you guys did it. You elected Zoran Mamdani, and now the city will be destroyed. Just like Cuomo and Trump said, I hope you guys are happy. For those of you who forgot to register to vote, I want you guys to know you guys helped too. Yeah, you did. Whoever may have fallen into that category. People who are still registered to vote in Fort Worth, Texas. Yeah.

Even if you've lived in New York for over a year, you might not be eligible to register to vote. Right. I don't think that's true, but you could imagine if it were. Here's the thing, though, I will say, you know, we could talk about anything else we want now. Yeah, yeah. On X, everything out. Freedom of speech is back. I love seeing all the memes you guys have been making.

Those have been really funny. Yeah. Man, when I get it, don't get, if I could just get my T.L. To be all Dick Cheney and Zoron jokes, that would be pretty much ideal for me. I've got one for you. Are you ready for it? Yeah, that sounds really good. Okay, Socialist.

I'm trying to see them toes, little sis. And, uh, and then, um, you want to see your sister's feet? Yeah. That would be trying to see them toes. He's really saved by that one because he does not have a sister. Yet. Yet. Dude, if my mom had another kid, that would be, that would be, I don't, like right now.

You knock me out because I show up at the baby shower and invited. I thought we were family, dude. I wore brewery. Dude, having a 31 year difference between, like, another sibling would be like, what the, yeah, yeah. My parents have, uh, there's a 19 year age gap between their oldest and youngest. oh yeah i keep forgetting that you guys there's like 19 million of you motherfuckers or like yeah seven or whatever uh every did you guys gonna have you do you think you're gonna have between seven and 15 children probably uh i'd have to start like tonight and i don't

think that uh no i don't think oh hell no that ain't the cards for me uh i think i'd like to have one only one kid and having be uh really weird and poorly socialized and then maybe he'll grow up to do great harm and violence to people. But I'll have to steer him in the right direction. I would like to maybe have a son and then kind of brainwash him into being a, like a vigilante, like an anti-hero. We could spend a lot of times father and son coming up with names and costumes, you know, I could teach him.

I'd put him in Jiu-Jitsu and like Muay Thai under the guise of like, you know, wanting my son to be able to defend himself but I'm really trying to turn him into like a like a Punisher or maybe like a Daredevil type guy and you know we we'd hang out and and we I'd buy a police scanner and I'd put it in his room

you know what I mean and and yeah just teach him basically how to be a vigilante I would imagine that he would get shot and die his first outing because that's that's pretty much how that works but uh yeah

what about you yeah my son would be a vagalante oh what is what does that mean you're gonna have to walk me at night yeah

but in a normal way oh in a way not in a secretive illegal way I was about to say dude I kept having this I kept having dreams

about R Kelly the other night man what kind it was like we were friends but like This was after it happened. And it was like he was a really scary guy to be around. You know, his life was in crisis or whatever. Yeah.

But you guys. It was like everywhere I went, he was there. He forgave you. God, he sucks. He's like scary. You forgave him for his actions kind of deal? Like you were there for him? No, dude, it was like I was like a part of his life in some way.

Oh. I was like I didn't like him, but it was like. You were scared. lawyer or something like that i don't know how many of these dreams have you had it was like i kept waking up and then going back sleeping head going back in the same dream one of those fuck those sucks like multiple nights but it's like you know when you kind of half wake up and you're like okay i'm out of this nightmare then you wake up and you're hanging out with arkelly again yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no i definitely know that one i used to have dreams about getting you know like beating

and tortures and stuff and then I would be like alright well I'm gonna go drink a glass of water and then like do like 15 minutes later I'll go back to sleep and it would be like the same characters yeah right where you left off and it's like a movie they'd be like

we got you right dude dude dude same shit I would have I would have like I guess like dreams of like like just bad evil shit happening to me I'm getting tortured or like watching my family get fucking like murdered in front of me and I'd like you shoot up out of bed

like you know and you know and you're like, oh, you go and you take a long middle of the night piss, and yeah, you get a water, you kind of lay in bed for a bit,

and you're like, okay, it's all good, you know. The moment you close your eyes, it's like you're in the chair, and the guy's like, blah,

you're like, fuck! It's so stupid. Fuck! And you're like, right where you left off. Obviously, you're also,

you're still in a nightmare, obviously. Yeah. And the whole time, you're just like, stop. This is so stupid. No.

Also, I want to, I want to make it a point. It's funny that you bring this up Because I was just having this conversation with Frank to the day It never works the other way Like you have a dream where Like you have powers

Like you can fly And you get in like mad pussy From like the hottest girl in the world And you have a million dollars And you wake up and you're like Oh damn And you're like There's a part of you that's like man

I hope I can get back to that dream When I go back to sleep You close your eyes It's just black nothing Nothing You don't get to go back to that one But getting yeah Getting fucked in the end

ass by a big robot while like your whole family watches as they're getting like fucking Chinese water tortured. Yeah, that one's back on the menu the moment you go back to sleep. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes it feels like the only time we can dream anymore

is when we're awake. You think so? Yep. Once again, I'd like to remind the audience I'm in complete darkness. Yeah, yeah. I can only see Jake.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I can't see Thomas at all. It's just like I'm talking to a cube. Yeah. This is the, honestly, this is the only way I can masturbate while we do these.

Oh, you got your thingy out? You're talking about it? Yeah, I've been, I'm on a Sibian right now. Yeah. I'm writing a Sibian right now. I'm writing a Sibian and I'm a fisting. myself. Hey Hank, you want to be on the show

buddy? What do you want to say to Thomas? Speaking of Sibbians. What's up? I feel like it sounds like a breed of dog. Oh, yeah. We got a Sibian puppy. He's a Sibian hound. Yeah. They're really stubborn dogs, but they make great, great, great companions. Yeah. Yeah.

Girl, if you, is you a dog? If so, you'd be a Sibian hound. She's like, what is that? Like, looking to her friend. Like, what is that mean? Girl, girl, if you was a, if you was a pig, you'd be a Sibian pig. Yeah, girl, if you was a horse, you'd probably ride the Sibian saddle. they would call it you know how you ever you know secretary yeah your your horse name would be

sibby and saddle because because that's how you it sounds like something like an old pervert janitor would say yeah you're right right right it's like so gross it's like really like an old creepy like old sexual man at work yeah yes yeah yeah like unintelligible like you yeah like uh Yeah, I'd like to cream in her corn. I'd drag my nuts through broken glass to milk those udders. You're like, what the fuck? It's like seven in the morning, too. Yeah, she could shit on my feet or something.

And then they get all mad if you don't. Come on, man. We all. I'd eat my own combs to shake her hand Yeah, yeah If you don't respond in kind They get all pissed off If you're like what

They're like Oh come on you wouldn't You wouldn't put your nuts in a big old Pull of Lava Just to get a sniff of that cooter juice And you're like, no What? What the fuck are you talking about?

I wonder why old guys like that are so horny You know what I mean? Like, I feel like you should stop being that horny after, like, 16. I'm not even that horny now. I'm like, but imagine you're all pent up. Imagine you go 40 years without having sex. I mean, but these guys do be fucking their wives. We talk about a thousand times of the show.

They show you videos of it. They're getting regular pussy. Maybe they're just not getting, maybe they're not getting regular pussy from, like, the kind of pussy they want. I like the idea of being an 80-year-old in-sill. Oh, I'm sure there's plenty of them. Yeah, girls don't even care about. guys like me I think I'm too old

he's got an oxygen tank I think I'm too old rubbing tug girls girls don't date a guy who's four foot eight but used to be nice dude there was actually be nice

dude there was a time dude there was a time like there kind of was a time when like if you followed it if the town was small enough and you followed the girl around enough she just became your wife I know it's kind of like a hack joke but like it's like oh don't ask grandma how like you know she met granddad and I like remember my mom telling me the story of how my great grandfather met my great grandmother they uh they lived in amarilla and uh he literally like

she worked literally at like a soda shop or something or no he worked at the soda shop and then he would just follow her around everywhere and then he would like go over to the family's house and him and the dad were really nice to each other and then basically like that marriage was kind of arranged in a white poor way if that makes sense you know what I'm talking about we're like the families go to the same churches you know and it's kind of like oh they're such best friends but really the girl doesn't want anything to do with the guy and the guy is going to marry the girl whether she likes it or not.

That kind of thing. That old romantic tale. That's really problematic. Well, I mean, good thing we live in. That's kind of how it feels with Mario and Peach. Yeah, it doesn't seem like she wants any bit of that, doesn't it? She's always caught up in some bullshit. Yeah, she's bouncing on Bowser.

That was my theory, too. Lo-key. And then she'd be like, no, I'm stuck at this castle with this big, with this turtle creature with spikes oh hell and all his organs are huge she's playing Mario

what's what I think like she she likes that Mario likes her but she's got BPD so because Mario loves her so much she doesn't want anything to do with them you know what I mean she likes that big lizard dick she likes that big bad 18 foot tall dinosaur

thick vainy meat motherfucker. You know what I mean? She's not trying to fuck you know, a four foot two Italian plumber. She's getting dig down by a pretty ass. He's probably in the union though. He's probably in the union but I mean, okay, union plumber actually he's a small business owner so

I don't know. Union plumber or big ass lizard who has his own domain. You know what I mean? Like to me that's a no-brainer. If I was a princess Italian plumber with a guy that's his brother or his friend and they hang out all day or big lizard who has his own realm. I'm going back.

I'm going big lizard with his own realm. The motherfucking Mario don't got his... Okay, people are probably in the audience like Super Mario World. That's not his world. You know what I mean? He's in the world, but it's not his. Bowser's got his own fucking castle, his own realm. I could argue that New York City is Mario's domain. I could see that. I could get behind that 100%.

Yeah, for sure. I feel that the frantic pace of New York never pauses, so... to thank Mario But in the Mario movie If you actually paid attention to it Yeah

He does save New York In the Mario movie The live action one with Or Chris Pratt or whatever That motherfucker? Or the old ass motherfuckering one From like 30 years ago I feel like I had

Like Jack Black in it What? What are you talking about? I watched it like two years ago I think you're smoking movie save New York It's the one with Chris Pratt, I think I'm pretty sure you're talking about that one

That's the most recent Mario movie Well, let's see So this is 2023, the Super Mario Bros movie Yeah, that's it Okay, so it was a couple years ago Yeah he saves New York

I didn't watch that motherfucker so I don't know Mario saved New York movie cast Okay so Mario was played by Chris Pratt Mm-hmm And then Charlie Day for Luigi And then Forman Spike Mario and Luigi's former boss

So I guess you know Was voiced by Sebastian Manuscalco Oh okay yeah that tracks Is Wario in that motherfucker? He should be. People also ask, who is LGBTQ in Mario? You'd be surprised, but dry bones. Dry bones and the other, the princess's friend.

She's like a lesbian. Peach's friend. What's her fucking name? I think Waluigi's definitely... Waluigi, he's a chaser. I almost said, I almost said the fucking bad word for some reason, but he's a chaser. I would say Waluigi likes, he fetishizes trans women. That's the appropriate terminology for that sentence.

I would say that that is his deal. What is the, is it, Daisy? That's it, it's Daisy. Daisy. Daisy. She's a lesbian. How many days does she go without getting that Z? I couldn't really think of anything that I felt comfortable.

It doesn't, it doesn't fucking matter. Princess Daisy. she um princess daisy yeah more like princess lazy mrs lazy nope we're not doing that I'm not doing that what if it was princess Jayzy

I was hove and then Mario had to go save her yeah I could get behind that I can fuck with that if you if you haven't coined problems I feel bad for you son sorry I mean I got, that's all right. I was trying to burp and respond and rap at the same time, but I've got bad heartburn.

He's a motherfucking rapper. We all are born. Oh. God damn. Fuck. Okay, so Princess Daisy is definitely a lesbian because she has the bangs. Dry Bones is a gay guy, or is he like a... I think of Dry Bones as like an old seasoned bouncer at gay bar.

Oh, like a old. old-ass gay motherfucker okay like an old leather gay all right what about donkey Kong donkey Kong is trade okay swag all right fair

uh diddy Kong diddy Kong straight likes bigger women okay I was gonna say diddy Kong is gay for pussy you know kind of like maybe like what's that

the vulnerable man or the performative man Or like performative Yeah Like you know what I mean Like he wears a dangly earring And like he has the bell jar On his coffee table

And it's just out He doesn't read the motherfucker But I'm with you I think Did he could be straight Did he Kong could be straight What's the other The old ass monkey What's his name

God damn Donkey Kong old motherfucker What's his name Donkey Kong old man Old monkey Oh, cranky Kong. Yeah, so Cranky Kong is a pedophile, 100%. He has a big-ass beard and he has two canes and he's older than the day is long.

And he'd be fucking hooting and hollering at a picture of a young boy's butt. And then who's the... Rinkly Kong? Cranky Kong. No, but his wife is Rinkley Kong. Wait, he's got a wife named Rinkley Kong. The fuck Rinkly Kong

Is she a ghost? Oh, she's dead That's fucked up She got dead because And this is horrible But Chunky Kong Kitty Kong

Tiny Kong Dixie Kong Ditty Kong Donkey Kong Jr. Donkey Kong The 3rd Candy Kong And Candy Kong I'll fuck this shit out of

Or with bananas at death. Isn't that horrible? Fuck, dude, goddammit. Yeah, that sucks. Fuck, that's bad. Who's the Kong girl? You said her name just now. I can't believe she was.

do that to wrinkly Kong Candy Kong Is it Candy Kong? Fuck a bitch And then there's Dixie Bro, look up Tiny Kong Candy Kong Candy Kong's kind of bad

The fuck Why do they? Do look up Tiny Kong Tiny Kong is one of the funniest Looking cartoons I've ever seen Candy Kong is kind of fucking dick What the fuck?

Tiny Kong Oh yeah Dude every girl looks like that now This is like Anytime I looked at it I was seeing a zoomed in picture Zoomed out This is interesting

Open Toast Angel situation Yeah Tiny Kong looks like This is like every New girl that's like a rapper Or like a Like you see You see a girl

Stylistically speaking Stylistically speaking With aesthetically speaking You see a new Or like an actress Everybody was not looking at a picture Then out of context It sounds a little

Pretty crazy No, but it's you know what I mean But I'm looking at the same pictures you are I know what you mean She's just like ice spice Uh Um Or

Or when there's a new actress And she's in a bunch of shit And you're like Who the fuck is this? Why is this 20 year old girl and everything Like a Jenna Ortega style situation? This is how they dress when the paparazzi are out and about.

I got the hiccups like a goddamn baby. Jenna. Jenna Kong. Jenna Ortega Kong. I'm not going to Google that on my work laptop. That will be bad. Yeah. And of course, the Chinese cousin.

Hong. Yeah. Yep. Where's that fucking goddamn sound effects board at? It's been a long. It's been a long day Without you, my media board All right, drum droop

But I'll sound you all about it When I play you what noise You used to drum roll Yeah, there we go That's fine It's not a very good drum roll from me Drum roll, here we go One second

Oh, it doesn't want to play now Because the sound board's mad at me made too many Yeah, it should be Sounds board Yeah, sounding board And it's a bunch of Fucking little tubes

You put in your pecker hole Hey, if you're out there Listening and you're into that stuff Go turn yourself in I don't care for what crime Turn yourself in Sounding Yeah, you shouldn't

You shouldn't be doing that And I don't I don't want you I wouldn't do it But I get it Come the fuck Fuck on, man.

Fuck you. What are you talking about? It feels cool. It probably doesn't. Probably feels odd. Probably feels like taking a sip of an ice cold beer. It's a cold thing. That's an incredible feeling.

That's an incredible feeling. Taking a sip of an ice cold beer is an incredible feeling. So you're saying that a sip of an ice cold beer was inside of your penis. I don't think that that's even close to the sensation. Like, I haven't tried it. so I don't know. There's probably sounding guys who could tell you

if I was sitting playing video games and I had a sounding rod in um you know I don't know how they get it in there if I'm being honest and that part sounds scary uh yeah they they they twist it into their

fucking pecker hole like a like a musket like the thing that you pound the goddamn yeah yeah yeah I kind of assumed you could get your urethrua wet or something and then it would be easy you lubed the shit up I've seen guys do it on a video.

And before you ask, why are you watching that shit? Because I was on the fucking computer when I was like 11 years old. And you just fucking stumble on the shit. You watch beheading videos for an hour, and then you watch sounding videos for 30 minutes, and then you go to church. You go to vacation Bible school, and the theme is the jungle.

That's pretty much 10 to 15 or 16 for me. Anyway, the problem that I have with sounding is that, Um, you know, they have the very thin ones, but they have big gauged ones that are like, Thomas, like they're like this big. They're the size of carrots. And they'll, uh, they'll slide that shit in like a Christmas ham in the oven. Yeah, but slide it in like a Christmas ham. Imagine that it's probably got to feel like you're, you're like the Michael Jordan of that shit. You know what I mean?

Probably. I mean, yeah, probably. Because you're probably consuming a lot of sounding related content at that point. It's probably one of the main things you're thinking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So it's kind of feel cool to work yourself up to a big gauge. And then when you go pee, you can just kind of hold both into your urethra. And it just comes out and like a splasher. Yeah. Yeah, like a water slide. Uh-huh. You know what, guys, I don't get, the sounding thing, I don't like it and I don't want guys to do it. But I understand it.

The guys who inject their ball sack with, like, the silicone gel, the scintol, the muscle stuff. that I don't get I don't really understand that one I don't know what is the sexual component or kink about having nuts the size of a goddamn spare tire just in your wranglers

all goddamn day all the live long day don't fucking understand that at all fuck dude god damn it I'm tired of these hiccups yeah I know some people have a fetish of expanding yeah being big

You know, becoming big air blowing out of them and all that stuff. I don't know if it's probably the same for balls and weanies. But, you know, I, it, you know, I don't want that for myself. Nope. And there is one guy on Instagram. Unless you're wearing big and one shorts with no underwear you're going out like that. That is funny to me. That is pretty funny, yeah, yeah.

But you don't see those guys. Well, actually, you see them wearing skinny jeans on Reddit all the time. Or wrangler, like, boot cut wranglers? There's one guy I'm thinking of that's like a redneck guy. He, like, is always taking videos of him in front of a, like, a biggie crane. And he's got his, you can see his fucking swollen ass ball sack through his, through his boot cut wrangler jeans. and he's like he's like rubbing them gave you that much room to begin with that's what I'm

saying that's what I'm saying and he's like rubbing the sack and he's like I would think I was thinking maybe Duluth I could see that too Duluth you get a nice Duluth and Co yeah I could because you got that that double

august it yeah motherfucker dude I hate this shit I can this shit better go away before my spot tonight I'm gonna be pissed I'm not gonna be up there the hiccuping comedian I'm fucking kill myself

god damn it's okay learn to love it learn to live with it and learn to love it my new book my new me and Thomas's

self-help book learn to live with it and live into it learn to love living and it by Thomas and Jake chapter

Dr. Travago how I learned to live and loved it I don't think I've ever have I seen Dr. I don't think I've seen that movie at all

actually yeah you're a millennial So you're probably thinking of Dr. Street tacos. Damn. You'd be 100% correct on that. Yeah, you got my ass. I'm trying to think of a Gen Z version.

Doctor. Dr. Tic Taco. Dr. Tic Taco. How I stopped scrolling and learned to love the phone. Yes. There we go. Yeah. I like that.

Mm-hmm. Dr. Chips Natchos. Dr. Chips. Dr. Gets Guapo. Dr. Gets guapo. Dr. Gets guapo. Dr. Dix soft, though. Dr. Gistapo.

Okay. Very good. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. off bro and his outfit's not really looking so good and you have to let him know yeah there we go fine got that one out of the mud doctor rips off your pants starts sucking your dick making you come in his mouth that one's kind of that's kind of a mouthful ah yeah la la a doctor pissed off so much doctor pissed off bro i'm fucking mad i'm fucking had it Oh, no.

And you're having sex, and you know it's getting soft and you can't do anything about it. Yeah, it only gets softer when you touch it. Yeah. Because your hands are icy. That's always a real bummer when you know, we don't have to get too much into it, but I do want to make the observation for the fellows listening. When you're in the Uber on the way home from the dinner day and you just know it, you just know that it's not.

You know what I'm saying? It just, you know, you know, it. that it's just not going to happen. It's just a feeling in the pit of your stomach. Maybe you had one too many old fashions. Maybe you had too much bread. It's an Italian restaurant. You loaded up on the bread and then you had your entree.

But that Uber ride on the way back to the apartment and you're 100% positive that you're given 0% pecker is like a man going to the gallows. That's how I feel. That's how I feel. Sound off in the comments, fellas. I know you know what I'm talking about. It's like, because you can't let her know. Not in the Uber.

You guys just had a great dinner. So she's laughing. You're laughing. You know what I mean? She's, you know, she's laughing at your jokes. Things are going really good.

The date was 100% success. But in your head, you know. And she's like, oh, my roommate's out of town. And she's like, we can go back to my place.

And you're like, oh, of course, yeah, 100%. Because you're hopeful, right? You know? You're like, you're like negotiating

with a ghost at that point. You're like, I don't know. I'm going to make it work. And then you get there and it's, you know, just the batter didn't even show up. The entire roster is gone. You're not even rocking with the fucking C team,

the 20% or, you know, the fucking three-fifths compromise. You're not even, you're nothing showing up. It's a gummy worm. And you have to be like, ah, you know, sorry or whatever the fuck. And she's like, no, that's cool. But you knew three hours ago. You knew it when you got the tab at the restaurant that it wasn't happening. You know what I'm saying?

Or am I alone on that? Don't leave me hanging in the dark. No, no. I know what you mean. Yeah. I think it's worse for like a, you know, a hookup or something like that. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

No, it's way worse. If it's your... The stakes are so much higher with something. Yeah, yeah. If it's the girlfriend or the wife, She's like, okay, cool. What do you want to watch a documentary? She doesn't want to anyway.

Yeah. She hasn't wanted to in like a year. Usually women would actually prefer to go to sleep. Yeah, I just watch Planet Earth, the Little Baby's Edition, and then, you know, play on your phone a bit and go to sleep. Yeah, make them think you're mysterious. Yeah, my dick doesn't work because you can't get hard for her. really a reason

I can't explain. Yeah, mysterious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then I just think you're good. Something really bad happened to me, and she's like, you molested, and you're like, no, it was cooler than that. It was, uh, um, it was

crime related. She was like, so molested and you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nope. That didn't happen to me. Stuff like that doesn't happen to real-ass players from the South. Ain't that right? I never get touched on. motherfucker

I think I'd be too easy to molest yeah back in the day why were you trust me I was just waddling around with a big booty

and no idea what was going on I was bending over picking up stuff picking up a bunch of meeting that car ghost once

picking up fucking wrestling action figures just picking up my blocks fuck yeah you're right I'm with you

100% I was too trustworthy I remember I got the whole you know Stranger Danger talk and then one of my dad's friends actually did come pick me up from school and he was like hey I'm your dad's friend and it ended up being my dad's friend and he just took me home

but if that was a no-no situation yeah that had been curtains for old Jake for a little baby Jake I'd have just been found in pieces in the woods and he picked me up in his truck we went straight to my grandma's place where my dad lived and he was like hey my name's Greg your dad No, my dad was hungover So that's why he could pick me up

But he's like I'm your dad's friend, Greg We're gonna take you back to Grandma's And I go, okay, I just got in that motherfucker's truck Look at he split No problem And yeah, he dropped me off And yeah, my dad gave me $20,000

Yeah, I'm my dad's friend You're gonna suck my cock Jake gets to work Jake sprints up into the car Yay I dive in through this fucking Ford Ranger windows Thank you for letting me suck

your dick, Uncle Greg. What a horrible thing to say. What a horrible life. Yeah, what a fucking dog shit life. Yeah, I never... Nothing has ever happened to me. No, I mean, either. Nothing bad ever happened to me.

I got out of life fucking Scott Free. Got dealt a good-ass hand. And I've been making it work for me ever since. Well, life actually gave you problems outside of your over. stuff. I basically Yeah, that's true. I never really had things happened to me that were that bad. My brain

turns things and the things that are quite bad, but... In hindsight, I don't really have that many tragedies. I'm like, yeah, I actually had a really rough breakup in 2018 and yeah, it took some time. I took it over that one.

And then then then I tried to tried to sell Viking at school and then I had Supreme Gab courts Then I went to jail

I keep forgetting that you That's what you went to jail for I remember when we first started the show You wouldn't tell me And I was kind of like You know I only knew we only knew each other off Twitter So I was like what does guy do

And you're like oh I had a nug And like a half a Supreme Dab cart And I was like oh that's hilarious Because you were full on like they had your out they had your shit under lock and key like you beat somebody near to death that's what i thought maybe it was like off off rip like before we ever like got to know each other i was like oh maybe he like stole a car or something or when you told me it was for weed i was like

the fuck but then you told me where you got pulled over and i was like now that shit tracks no that's 100% tracks good time so have you ever tried to explain i mean you live in new york now like i still get people in like disbelief like last time I was in Washington I was just like bullshit and with some of the Lemon Party people and like some of them grew up there or whatever and I was telling them like

yeah there are parts of Texas where if you get pulled over and you have like a flake of weed on you you're going to the slammer dude like the slammer like you're spitting at least the night in jail but probably at least a couple days where they figure out what to do with you

and they're like no and I'm like yeah like you get pulled over and a step out of the car boy part of town doesn't matter it doesn't matter what ratio are 100% I don't know why I was about to say it doesn't it matters probably the most but you're going to go to jail

regardless now other bad stuff can happen to you if you're not white but even if you're white you're going to jail um like that stretch of empty nothing that's like between temple and fort worth isn't that where you got pulled over it was in weatherford oh okay yeah we're still

same deal yeah yeah yeah but it is funny if i was in tarrant county which i was about to be it wouldn't have been a big deal but i was in parker county yeah yeah yeah where it was a big deal i mean tarrant county was still a big deal but if you just had a little bit they would just like throw it away yeah they give you like a fucking paraphernalia charge or some shit take to go home yeah yeah um i was fucking pissed because like when i got arrested and they charged me with intent to distribute I don't know why they would do that it's not like I had a bunch of like weed and then little baggies

and then like Adderall and stuff cops are just being fucking crazy but uh like literally five years later like in Harris County it was like anything under an ounce is like yeah they just give you it's like a traffic ticket or whatever the fuck I was pissed now I got arrested and went to jail when I was 15

so I guess it's off my record or something supposed to be it would be a different record oh yeah okay you have a a juvenile and an adult so as soon as you're not a juvenile anymore it doesn't matter yeah because i tried to i've tried to find my mugshot before and i can't find it on anything for minors i don't think oh okay they're not going to have a minors mugshot like yeah you're probably you're right yeah yeah yeah yeah um i mean it's absolutely is somewhere it is yeah for that's what i'm saying it is the arrest record exists somewhere i would like to see it i found

an article making fun of me from a local blog one time. Really? Yeah. In what way? Like, for the arrest, they would, they would, anybody who got arrested for, like, drugs and alcohol, they would, like, write an article. Oh, it was one of those, like... Or actually, no, it got taken down before I saw it, but I was told about it, like, recently. Oh, okay. Everybody in my town had read it. And then it got taken down. That's funny. Well, you had to pay them to take it down.

Oh, is it like one of those, like, crime busters? They're like a... Yeah, yeah. I remember reading one of my friend who guys caught smoking weed at the park and they talked about how slow he ran and everything. Yeah, yeah. That's how I found out...

Passed away, goodbye. Rest and peace. That's how I found out about that guy I've talked about on the show that I used to ride on the bus to school with where he robbed that... He robbed a shitty...

Like, motel and the gas station next to it wearing a zebra mask. one of those like a spirit Halloween like realistic you know he robbed it wearing that with a Draco and got away

um and then the way that they caught him was he was posting Snapchat's two nights later of him at a party holding the Draco with the zebra mask on like you know like he was a wankster he was like a fucking you know like

you know dead end no future type guy or whatever but it was in the Laporte, Texas crime busters and it was a picture of his mugshot and then next to the mug shot was the CCTV footage of him. It actually looked kind of cool of the zebra mask and he

had the Draco and he was aiming it sideways at the gas station Nintendo, which was fucking badass. Man, if y'all don't put this money in his bag. I'm going to start acting like a zebra in this motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, what was his name?

Fuck. It was something stupid like Gunther. It was one of those type names, like, one of those where you're like, you, you know? But it made sense. It made complete sense. His life was really bad, much worse than mine. And I do believe he's in prison now for something much worse. What was I going to say?

He dressed up as a camel. Yeah, he did. Motherfuck, I'm bringing the job. jungle. I got two humps. To Leport, Texas. For those of you not in the know, Leport, Texas is in the Galveston Bay area.

That's where I went to high school. Used to hang out at the skate park at Sylvan Beach and eat Vicodin and throw pieces of trash at children who were trying to learn how to skateboard. And I was 22 years. I'm just kidding. I was 13 years. I was 13, 14 years old.

That's how I spend most of my days. Hold on. The door stuck open. Let Ashley into the apartment. One second. Welcome to the haunted hour. It's time for a mysterious story. It was once a man.

small man about six feet tall use worms like green his hands were yellows sorry everybody I had to go let my beautiful wife to be into the fucking motherfucking house

and that's the story concludes what story were you telling it was scary stories haunted time as I told an amazing story scary story haunted time with Thomas Tom it was a gray it was about a gray tall, little man

with yellow hands. Okay, what was the... Well, that was all over. What was his name? Did he have, like, you know,

there's like the skin walker. We didn't even get that far. Oh, okay. I gave up pretty much as soon as he sat down. It wasn't... No problem. Turning into any...

I had zero legs. That's fine. We can skip it. We can skip it. That's okay. When I tell you, I couldn't wait for you sit back down

because I had nothing in the chamber. Sitting here in fucking dark I was looking at light. Why don't you turn the light on? Are you just like podcasting in the dark? Is this a new dude?

Well, I've been trying to adjust my eyes more. What do you fight crime? What the fuck? What for? I got to somebody's got to do it. None of your answers are good enough for me. None of your answers make any sense. Somebody has to do this.

Yeah, that's fine. That makes sense. I'm going to be eating pork with dinner. Okay. Which I haven't really been eating pork, but I had venison yesterday, and I feel like that's such a weird one that I don't even know what, what, uh... You don't want, I thought you liked venison. I like venison, but I haven't really been doing that much red meat lately. Mm.

But then, I was thinking about. about it and I was actually kind of thinking on what meals I've been having like I've actually been eating red wheat meat with quite a few meals it just hasn't I just haven't been eating like big delicious steaks so in my head it's not but I don't know let's see but I'm having an alpastor burrito oh delicious which should be very yummy I'm looking forward to that What's on the menu for old Jake? What's on the menu for old Jake tonight?

I asked Jake what he was having for dinner and he left the call, which makes me think, well, it's probably shit. Probably human shit. Hello. Hello, Jake. I asked what you were having for dinner And he left the call So I told everybody It was probably human shit

And you were scared to ants Yeah that's probably right Yeah that's probably right Yeah Yeah That's probably I mean that's my He never said that it wasn't human

Dukini No I've been eating a fuck time lately I've not been being a good boy And I've been go to the gym And I've been snacking a lot And I've been eating a lot of little mini cheesecakes that I bought from HGB

and I've been eating a lot of chips and a lot of green apples and I've been eating a lot I'll buy protein bars for the morning for breakfast and then I eat about four in a day which is about 1,500 calories of what is essentially a candy bar and then at night

I made some chicken and dumplings let me put you guys on motherfucking game okay chicken and dumplings but for the dumpling dough take your fucking fat ass on down to your local whatever the fuck store and get the sweet Hawaiian

Pillsbury dough boy biscuits and then chop those little cock suckers up in the triangles and that's your fucking dumpling dough oh zooo wee mama now we're in business that shit is delicious so it's delectable um it is a fat fuck recipe that I did not personally myself come up with um I heard it from a little birdie

and by birdie I mean it's a really fat awesome guy that is my friend and he told me to do it and he's a cook um and that shit's fucking and god damn delicious pretty much make a don't make a chicken soup

because the the broth needs to be thick and creamy so it's more of like a I don't want to call it a stew broth it's like a cream and then the dumplings

cook chowder type thing yeah very much so and the dumplings you don't fuck with the dough in any sort of way except you do dredge it and flour and then you throw it in

there and the flour mixes with the cream sauce to make it kind of like a rue in the pot and then they cook in the fucking chicken the sauce starts as a chicken stock but you add heavy cream and then two cans of cream of mushroom

and then the pieces of biscuit dough and goddamn let me tell you each bowl each bowl is probably like 3,000 calories just going to keep it a bill with you. And you want to, you can cook the chicken however way you fucking like. Chicken's chicken. You can pan-fry the shit. You can bake it. Um, I baked mine. Um, but, uh, but yeah, the biscuit though,

you can use that shit to make dumplings and that shit's fucking scrum dittily umptious. It's very, very good. It's not good for like Asian dumplings, but soul food dumplings, very, very good. Asian dumpling needs to be not as sweet. You know what I mean? Uh, but this is good for like soul food dumplings. Just a little tipster from Fat Jake. Yeah, if you guys ever want to try something like that. My mom, she'll always make dumplings that are like the size of a fist. Oh, just big nasty.

She makes big, big ones. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Do you guys, does she make them in like a chicken and dumplings? Just like, just dumplings. Yeah, she makes them in a chicken and dumpling context. Oh, nice. It'll be like, you know, the classic biscuit dough or whatever that she'll make.

and then she'll do those. And we always do collard greens with it. Ooh, yeah, that's nice. That's nice. I would say collard greens, it might be the best way to have collard greens is with biscuits and is with chicken and dumplings because you get the white gravy stuff in there too. Yeah.

It's hard to have that any other way, but fatly. You know what I mean? It's one of those vegetables that's not really good unless it's a part of something that's incredibly fucked up. Like level 10 fat fuck food. Like, oh, like, oh, I have it with candied yams. It's like, all right. What the fuck are we doing?

Yeah, yeah. It's like, like, I like cabbage. Get the fuck out of here. But like some sauerkraut on like a nice Rubin or a pastrami. Yeah, now we're talking. But I'm not eating cabbage any other way. The fuck out of here. You know, I'm not, we're not doing that.

I like coleslaw, too. See? I like a vinegar-based coleslaw. I don't know if. it's because of, like, being from the south, but, like, I've had coleslaw that I've liked, but I can't do the coleslaw. It's the way my family does it. I don't like it, where it's, like, 80% man.

You know what I mean? It's, like, 80% range. Yeah, that's not good. I like, I like a, like, a vinegar, like a kind of sour. Yeah, like a slough with a little bit of sweet to it. Yeah, yeah. It can be, whenever my fucking fat-ass aunt makes it for Thanksgiving, we go over there, it's the kind of coleslaw where it's like shredded carrots and lettuce that's kind of sitting in a pool of ranch you know what i mean and

i do like it to be sweet i will say uh yeah i can't do it i can't do it sweet coles i can't do that sweet with a little bit of heat i like a little bit of heat but i can't do a little bit i can't do too sweet i think i just don't fuck with coleslaw straight up i like i like um kimchi which i guess is kind of like an asian kind of slaw uh but that's because It's more like fermented, you know what it? Yeah. Probably a lot better for you than Kohl's law. It's got the ummmy flavor, which I do fuck with. They call it because you eat it when your stomach is empty.

And you go, umami when you eat it because it's delicious. Yeah. Yeah, well, I eat kimchi when my stomach is empty to make it full. Yeah, yeah. And that makes me say, umami. You're like in a presidential debate. uh next question to uh to candidate thomas white uh mayor of new york uh what makes you feel like if you can lead new york you can lead the people of this country well because my favorite

food is kimchi and i eat it when i'm empty and it makes me go and it makes me go um mommy great answer i believe we've gotten everything we need out of that i'm going to drain that well dry What the fuck am I doing Next term When I Primary is over on From the From the left

Yep Guys I got way better ideas Yeah yeah Oh this charming charismatic Smart brown guy Yeah get him out of here How about a fat white idiot Okay

How about a guy who looks racist and has said a lot of racist things publicly for most of his adult life recently last six months last two fuck it yeah

that does sound like like the Democratic Party's operating room they're like fuck oh god who are we going to run to primary this guy he's smart He's cultured, you know.

Okay. Oh, I got it. All right. A fat, white, racist war criminal. And he said racist things his whole life up until fairly recently. And he cheats on his wife a ton and he looks like shit. What about that guy? Let's run that guy.

There's no way. And then our slogan will be, he's not a rapist. I think that might resonate really good with the young people. Well, how about this? How about he's not a rapist yet? Dot, dot, dot. I like that. It's got a sense of hope.

Yeah, it's an opening it. Jesus. It's hopeful. Yes, we can. Rape. Oh, that's no good. I hate Barack Obama. I'm sick of his ass.

Yeah, more like, change my diaper. because I'm filled with poop and hope I don't shit myself yes I just yes we can poop I'm fucking sick of seeing his dumb ass profile picture if he was a love salad

okay my fellow asparagus let me be let me be beer as if he's Lettus tomato. Okay dokey. Yes, sir.

That's what I like to hear. I got a fucking spot here in a bit. If you're listening to this, thank you so much. This is the time when we plug all of our stuff. The first thing before you guys tune out is we have shows. If you go to linktree.com slash Pendejo time, come see us live in New York in exactly one month, Friday, December 5th, at East. Eastville, 9.30 p.m.

Tickets are at the link. Linktree.com slash Pendejo time. I'll link it in the description of this episode. Please get tickets to see that. It's very important. As a caveat to that, don't buy any of the expensive seats. The venue owner didn't tell me that he was going to do that, where, like, if you go to the website and you go to get tickets,

there's like $20 admission, which I wanted. And then there's like $75 gold. It just means you sit closer to the stage Just buy fucking regular ass tickets I don't give it Also if nobody buys those and you They'll still have people Yeah, yes exactly if what's gonna happen is

I'm telling nobody to buy those Then just move forward What are they gonna do tell you no? I'm running the fucking show I'll kill everybody there except for you guys And I'll kill myself And then January 24th Philly Next Inline comedy that is a smaller club And those tickets are going fast

So please get those there also in the link tree dot com slash pendeo time um there's still plenty of tickets left but the show is like two months away and the tickets are moving pretty quick i expect that one to sell out uh ahead of time so uh please get those tickets if you want to go see us in philly um saturday january 21 24th at 930 um still don't have an opener for that i know ben said he might do it if he does if his havana syndrome is healed uh what else uh fuck fuck fuck um check out the oh yeah check out the sketch go to youtube dot youtube dot com pandeot time worldwide me and j t kelly everybody's favorite um uh honorary third mic uh just filmed a sketch it's very funny everybody really likes it had nice things to say about it so go check that shit

out um uh uh we don't have an ad read so that's cool um um i've got a ad read so that's cool um i've got a bunch of spots but i really don't have time to plug them because i got to go thomas you got to want to plug real quick january eighth kegan zeal brewery at uh kinkston new york hell yeah all right thank you guys peace peace